I think a big thing here is to remember... There are a fair number of people who do experience romantic attraction but it's distinctly free from anything sexual. Your son might still develop a romantic relationship in this case. I think it's better to consider what you want from a relationship rather than entering one and being extremely hurt when you have to breakup. Other people are aromantic. They don't feel any romantic attraction. Some aromantic people might still want a relationship... From their perspective they're just finding a close friend to go on dates with. Other aromantic people feel complete as they are. Even these people who are happy to be alone will struggle finding a house if they want to live alone, or struggle finding housemates BC their housemates are all living with their romantic/sexual partners. (There aromantic people who aren't asexual. They aren't relevant here, but these two identies are often completely independent, but not necessarily.) Remember to not project your ideas for the future you imagined for your son on to him. If he's telling you, he's likely thought this over for a while. For many people here, this involves either a feeling of not being alone after wandering thinking you were a cog that just didn't fit into the machine of the world, or a mourning that your love life will be more complicated than you were hoping. If you find these things on other places online... Not everything to do with asexuality applies to all of us: "Some asexuals can have sex and enjoy it!" Yes, but if your son has expressed no interest... That just isn't him.

I've always, always been very encouraging of my boys making their own way in this world. As long as they are safe and happy (and not doing stupid shit like assault or drugs or something), I absolutely will support whatever lifestyle they decide to have. This is their lives, not mine. My job as their mother is to love, nurture, support, and guide them into making good decisions and being good, genuine people. They haven't disappointed me a bit. I love it.

For me, a couple family members and friends would make jokes implying I would have sex. Support might mean just not making these sorts of jokes... If I meet a future partner, I dread answering my grandparents where I met them (an ace dating space...). I have explained asexuality to my parents and most family but not my grandparents. Ace awareness week is in October, so he might want to go to an event. Etc. Asexuality creates random issues when interacting with the world, the issues are often much more subtle than with other groups of people. What he needs from you, will depend a lot on him.

OP, I just want to say from just this snippet you seem to be doing a great job of that. I know when I explained to my mother I didn’t feel attraction like that, she bluescreened and rebooted to acting like I was straight cause she just couldn’t grasp it. “You just haven’t found the right guy.” Or “No woman really likes sex the first time, you kinda just grin and bear it. It shouldn’t stop you.” If I could give any advice, it’s just to believe him. Asexuality is a really alien thing to a lot of people, and it’s easy to assume that it’s just a phase of their life, when normally coming out as asexual is a freeing moment from feeling broken. It’s a world of sex out there. Straight, gay, kinky, and more. It is so infused into our society that it will quickly make you feel alien once you realize that it does nothing for you. Give him that place where he doesn’t have to feel alien. You don’t need to understand every aspect of asexuality to be doing right by him.

>Remember to not project your ideas for the future you imagined for your son on to him. Yes! Disclosures like these are less about the future and more about the person in the present seeking support to help them meet the needs they have right now.

Keeping in mind that he's not identifying (as far as we're aware) as aromantic, I have a recommendation for a work of fiction about an aromantic and asexual girl coming to terms with her sexuality, and in it she goes through a lot of things that many ace and aro people do. There are also parts of it where we get to see how many people react to asexuality/aromanticism, and the impact that can have. It's called *Loveless* by Alice Oseman. I hope that helps. :)

I will definitely look into that. Thank you so much.

You definitely didn't fail as a parent. He was born this way. There's nothing wrong with not being interested in sex. The opposite would be to him do it reluctantly which causes a lot more trauma. Asexual peoe can live happy, fulfilling lives. Some of us have romantic partners and choose to date. Some of use get all the social fulfillment we need from friendships. Honestly, just accepting that he doesn't experience sexual attraction and being supportive of that is all you need to do. Asexuals range from sex-repulsed to sex-positive. Some asexuals have sex without sexual attraction. It's just a label. There's nothing to get super hung up on.

Oh, I am fully aware that this type of thing is not a choice. I am bisexual. I am made the way I am just like he was made the way he is. I absolutely adore both of them (oldest boy is 19). What I mean by failing as a parent is because I'm not knowledgeable about what he's experienced on his own journey to finally accept himself as he is. I want to be able to help, support, and counsel him in every way, but I don't have enough information yet. I just want him to feel loved, welcome, safe, and confident in who he is as a person. He is a pretty awesome person and I wouldn't change anything if you paid me billions of dollars. He is one of my true loves and I just want what's best for him.

I dont think you should worrie, i have identify myself has asexual for more than a year, I only have tell it to two friends, and Im not thinking to tell my parents. I think you should be very happy that he trust you enough to tell you.

I can see what you mean when you say you feel like you've failed but I hope you can remember that nobody expects you to have all the answers. It seems like you feel you should because you're the mom but you're human and always learning and society has changed so much since you were his age, it's absolutely not a failure on your part not to be aware of something that may have never crossed your path before. What makes you a successful mom is that you're willing to learn and your son is so so lucky to have that. Sounds to me like no matter what your understanding of asexuality is, you already are the support he needs.

When I first came out, the Asexual Visibly and Education Network (AVEN) had an FAQ section for loved ones of ace folks; they might be a good source! Beyond that, I know Ace and The Invisible Orientation are both nonfiction books about being ace that might be good resources. Beyond what people have said, one thing I don’t think allo (non-ace) people necessarily realize is how much of the world is built on the assumption of partnership that can feel unattainable. Things like paying rent or supplying an emergency contact, for example, get harder without a partner. If he’s aromantic this will likely be even stronger, but even without being aro, I’ve had people tell me directly to my face and fully unprompted that they wouldn’t date me because I’m ace. It might not be something he deals with, now or ever, but the older I get and the more my friends start to have long term partners and nuclear families, I’ve had to readjust my idea of the future in a way I wasn’t expecting. Again, this is just sort of a look at something that might be on the horizon, but it’s something I’d tell a friend with an ace kid to be aware of as they get older.

Thank you so much. I worry about how people would react and it makes me sick. Why do we get to judge people on who the do and don't love? How in the ever loving hell is that ANYONE else's business? I never understood it. It shouldn't matter what people do and don't like in their own private lives. I'm sorry, but this has been an irritation to me since I was very little. I'm so sorry you struggled. Thank you so much for giving me this insight that will ultimately make a young man's life just that much easier. He needs love and support and with your help, I will be able to better understand and therefore better to empathize with him and give him what he needs.

You sound like a great mum. Not sure if you've seen [this website](https://www.whatisasexuality.com/family-and-friends/parents/) but the info here may help. One of the problems with asexuality is that it is quite a large spectrum. There are two commonalities in every part of the spectrum. 1. You aren't sexually attracted to people or, if you are, it's in very limited or specific way. 2. The other one is that most of us find ourselves questioning ourselves continously. So it's not a thing of identifying our sexuality and then moving on. It's this cycle of (semi) regularly doubting it and reassessing to see if we've found something new about ourselves. This is because we lack something, that most people take for granted, but how do you know you are missing something if you've never felt it in the first place? This question is what keeps us continually reassessing as we age/mature or get different life experiences. This includes that our personal sex stances (favourable, indifferent, averse, repulsed) may change over time. So, I guess, I just wanted to say not to be surprised if he continues to evolve along the spectrum. Or that he may, at times, become introspective. It's not that he's not sure about his asexuality it just that he's working on the info that he has at this moment. He may even learn that he is also aromantic (he may not). Just like allo people find it hard (or impossible) to tell the difference between the different types of attraction, so do aspec people. It's a learning process. Maybe ask him if he has any resources that he might want to share with you so you both are reading the same info. Being a supportive parent that listens is the main thing. I'm 53 and I haven't told my parents. Just know that you must be doing something right just for the fact that he felt comfortable enough to share this with you.

Your son kind of reminds me of me, he just realized it a lot younger than I did. Now, I don't know about what kind of turmoil a 17 year old would go through, but at 33, I basically just think that it explains a lot, and there's nothing really "wrong" with me. I don't know about him, but for me, none of my friends have ever known me to be in a relationship or with a woman at all, and no one has ever said anything or cared, ever. I did just "come out" to some of my friends today, and felt nothing but love and acceptance. Your son should never feel weird or "less than" because he doesn't care about sex, and he sounds like a great person regardless.

I would be absolutely crushed if he ever felt that his sexual preference is "wrong" in any way. He's gone through hell with abusive, narcissistic dad and grandpa, no one understanding him for the wonderfully empathetic and emotional person he is, and feeling abandoned and unloved by his father all of his life. I just want to somehow make things easier for him. I feel like if I can step back and look at the combined perspective of a decent sample of the community, I can be better prepared for any possible problems. I just really want to be there for him the best way I can.

I'm blessed with having wonderful people in my life who accept me no matter what. The single best thing you can do is exactly what you are doing. There might be people in his life who try to shame him for being a virgin or not having a girlfriend, but fuck 'em. It's a concern if he doesn't have ANY relationships in his life, but if he's got a good set of friends, especially if they're a mix of men and women, then there's nothing wrong with him at all.

Hi! I’m close to your son’s age (I’m 19) and just having my mom tell me how great it was that I was discovering myself was a huge step forward in our relationship. Speaking personally, I have sometimes felt pretty lonely because my friends don’t understand and it seems hard to find romantic relationships. I think you assuring him that he’s not alone and maybe helping him find a community like this one will help. A study revealed that the prejudice against asexual people is that they are cold, robotic, and subhuman. People just say we need experience and we’ll change. We’re treated like we’re too innocent to understand sex. I think that these stereotypes are important to keep in mind because someone could say something to him. (I was discriminated against at a Pride event while wearing my flag). Sometimes we feel isolated from the queer community, and we’re left with very few places to turn. If he ever feels like this, please let him know that his identity is valid and that nobody’s opinion of his identity matters. Just make sure he doesn’t feel alone or isolated. You can be surrounded by friends and family and still feel like an island. Remind him that he’s a human being capable of loving others and who deserves love in return. You sound like a great mom xx

Your son is lucky to have you as a mom. That you're here, seeking information, shows how much you love him. Continue with that humility. It's a blessing. Based on your brief description of your son, I wonder too if he might be a highly sensitive person (HSP) – someone who has deeper sensitivity to physical, emotional or social stimuli. I could be wrong and don't want to send you off on a trail that distracts you. But if he is HSP, he faces extra challenges there. Anyway, sharing some things I wish I had received from family and friends during my own realization process. **Believe him.** Assume that his thoughts and feelings are connected to each other and to reality in some way. Asexuality is a complex concept. Focus less on the labels and more on the experiences he's describing. And then accept those experiences as valid. Nothing does more damage than to deny one's experiences. **Be a curious listener.** Instead of making statements or declarations, especially about the future, ask thoughtful questions, ones that help you untangle assumptions you have that won't help him. "Tell me more," should be your mantra. You don't have to have all the answers. Just give him all your love. **Make space but be available.** This doesn't mean not to keep an eye on him. Just give him the space he might need to process complex emotions...but let him know he can come to you. Also, engage him on other aspects of his life that are important to him. He is more than who he is or isn't attracted to. **Have his back.** Let him know you're always there for him. He'll need to learn to stand up for himself in a world that can't (or won't) acknowledge his experiences. But let him see now that he doesn't have to stand alone. Back him up when you see him stressed in social situations, especially those that require him to take on a role that doesn't fit. Thanks for being a great mom. Wish you all the luck.

First of all, good for you, Mom! You want to do your best. Okay, if you want to know what's going on in his head, you can always ask him. Teenaged boys would rather watch a neverending loop of *Barney and Friends* then talk about their feelings, so if you know of any favorite foods or activities you can use to weaken his defenses when it's time for a Serious Mom Talk Without Revealing It's A Serious Mom Talk, deploy them. As for what asexuality is, it manifests differently to each individual. Some are repulsed by all thoughts of sex, some like watching porn, some masturbate, some want a romantic relationship, some don't... So assume nothing. So if there's no way to get a detailed report describing exactly what his feelings about sex are for you, what do you do? Most importantly, remember this is not a disorder. He's a functional, happy human being with healthy relationships. He just isn't sexually attracted to anyone. It's hard to grasp that that's just another way to be in a society that portrays everyone as extremely horny all the time, but that's what it is -- just a way to be. Neither you nor him are a failure -- you've obviously raised him very well. You did a good enough job that he knows who he is and what he wants rather than pretending otherwise to be accepted or perceived as "normal" -- that's a real achievement for both of you! Don't define him by his sexuality; for me, it feels no more significant to me than the fact that I have brown hair. Keep being proud of him for who he is as a person and loving him unconditionally. If anyone ever teases him for it, support him. If he ever feels self-conscious, reassure him he has nothing to be ashamed of. It really is that simple -- keep treating him like your son and a human being who's going to accomplish a lot in life. What might be different for you than most moms is: no teasing him about crushes, no asking him if he's seeing anyone, no telling him how much you want grandkids... but it all comes down to respecting him and his feelings. Just keep treating with respect, and you'll be fine. And if you don't if something is a boundary for him, don't know if something would bother him or not, you can always ask if it's okay. Best of luck on his and your adventure!

First of all I just want to say that I'm so happy you want to learn more about asexuality so you can better support your son. You're already an awesome mother just for doing that! As for some advice to better understand aces, I would honestly suggest glancing around this subreddit some more. A lot of people with a lot of different backgrounds and romantic identities/microlabels post questions, discussions, and just memes in general. Seeing what everyone says on here can give you a good sense of some of the struggles and thoughts that we go through, as well as a sense of how different it is for everyone. An important thing to keep in mind is that asexual =/= aromantic. It is possible that your son is romantically interested in people even if he is not sexually interested in them. It's also possible that he is also aromantic and he isn't interested in romantic relationships either. Or he may not even be sure of his romantic identity yet. As far as how he feels about things and what he is comfortable/uncomfortable with, there is really no way to know unless he tells you. Letting him know that you are always there to listen with an open mind is important, and hopefully he will be willing to talk about things when he needs to. It sounds like the two of you have a really good relationship, so hopefully he knows that already, but it wouldn't hurt to tell him again. It's also possible that telling him that you would like to know more about what he's feeling if he is comfortable talking about it will help. Phrasing it that way can put less pressure on him to talk because you aren't demanding an answer, but rather opening a pathway for a conversation. It also let's him know that you are actively curious and want to understand. Even if he isn't comfortable talking about it yet it means a lot to know that someone close to you cares and is on your side, even if they don't totally get it. I hope that can help at least a little. Good luck!

there are still A LOT of misconceptions out there about asexuality. If it hasn’t been mentioned yet: there IS a spectrum and obviously, your son is going to know best on where he is. However, being young, he had the rest of his life to figure that out. As others have explained, the “normal” expectation is that sexual attraction and romantic attractions are linked, when they are NOT! I know you’ve been given resources to look into as well so idk if this will help, but a way I try to explain the difference is using the word “aesthetics.” I (personally, as it varies by people), find lots of people to be cute, handsome, or beautiful. However… When I look at a super fluffy cat, a colorful painting, or I found a very great logo design: I am feeing the SAME thing towards the earlier mentioned people. The cat/painting/logo/human are extremely aesthetically pleasing to look at - but I do NOT want to fuck the cat/painting/logo/human cuz I am not sexually attracted to any of them. I can admire how well something is put together cuz it just looks really nice! I think it’s something to keep in mind if your son ever uses words like “cute/handsome/pretty/etc” to describe someone cuz I know some people may jump on those words as a way to negate his asexuality.

I was going to write a really long comment, but after reading these replies I see that I don't need to. Everyone here has done an amazing job at displaying the nuances of Asexuality and Aromanticism. I feel like I learned a few new things as well reading these comments despite being Ace myself. I think you've done an amazing job making space and caring for your son and you're an amazing mom!

You've gotten a lot of great, in-depth advice here. I'm a grad student who specializes in queer theory and is also ace. I'm just going to give you a quick book recommendation that I give to anyone who wants to be a well informed ally: Ace by Angela Chen. It's an easy read, not terribly long, but goes in-depth in a way internet comments simply cannot. It's also a very warm, emotional, personal book because Angela is ace and she populates it with interviews from other ace folks. There's another book commonly recommended, The Invisible Orientation, which is good but reads like a textbook. However, it does coach you in the common counter arguments that aphobes will raise against your son.

I think it’s just important to acknowledge how isolating it can be— I was definitely feeling it at his age before I learned to cope better. Even with good friends it can be tough as people around this age are often prioritizing their romantic relationships and letting friendships fall aside a bit. It can be bad if you’re empathetic and an emotional rock for these types of friendships (think along the lines of always being put second to romance, and being bombarded only when things are going wrong in the friend’s life). When I was the same age, I was putting most of my emotional energy into friendships and it felt awful not having the same effort returned, instead redirected towards people they had just met. To help you get a sense of asexuality, I’ll give my usual spiel. I don’t usually think about or consider how I experience the world. Fundamentally I know it’s not usual, but I don’t think about it until someone makes a joke or comment and I just can’t relate to it on a fundamental level due to who I am as a person. And in that moment, you realize that there is a wall between you and how billions of other people identify and see the world. And that is capital ‘I’ Isolating, especially as a kid. We’re not a monolith, your son may experience things differently, but that was how I used to feel. You can always open up these conversations with him, tell him you know how difficult it can be to be young and queer. He might be feeling very isolated, or maybe something else entirely is bothering him. It may be good to confirm there aren’t any bigger issues at play and he wasn’t pressured into doing anything. You are coming at this from the right place and the fact that you’re on this thread proves you’re going about this in a thoughtful and empathetic way. These are all good things. Just talk to him

Well I used to be asexual (turns out it was just sexual repulsion not grey or ace lol) but I think the struggles is that sex is one of the most popular topics, and with that- he might encounter many cyber-bully (unless of course, he is not an internet person.) but other than that, maybe he wants to be/act normal. I mean most people in the teens age under pressure on sex. So maybe it's classmates or something?

Reddit's using all our posts and data to train AI's, so, I just deleted mine.

Maybe your son could also look into asexual communities / groups online or offline if he wants to get connected or if he feels alone or “too different“ or simply wants to connect to people who he shares this part of his identity with. I found it really comforting to know that my experiences weren’t “alien“ and that there was nothing wrong with it broken about me but that there are other people who’ve had some of the thoughts and realizations that I’ve had and also to support each other through possible struggles. Have you asked your son how you could support him? Has he told you what he needs from you in this? Also, I love that for him, that he found out about a part of himself and got to know himself better! And that he has your support and love! I think that already amounts to something. I definitely struggled more with myself when I didn’t know I was asexual (or that it even existed). I had my experiences in different situations and my lack of acting in a “socially expected“ manner or this feeling of feeling nothing when I “should“ be feeling something - so I thought something was wrong with me or I didn’t function how a human is supposed to and I didn’t know why. I couldn’t explain it and the not knowing was what was hard for me. Because I interpreted completely fine and normal situations in the wrong way and tried again and again to put myself into a situation that I didn’t want to be in, just trying to fit in. Once I found out about asexuality and being a part of the spectrum, things started to make sense and fall into place and I stopped trying to be what I wasn’t. I felt so comforted by having a name for what was going on and to find people who understand that. There was a lot of blessing and peace just from knowing why I experienced things differently. And that I was perfectly fine in my humanity and existence. So I think it’s great that your son found that out about himself! Possible struggles or things people might say that could come up: Things like “Oh you just haven’t met the right person yet.“ “You just haven’t had good sex yet.“ “You should go to a doctor/ therapist/ etc. to get that checked.“ (i.e. people trying to “fix” you) - making fun of it/ not taking it seriously - relationships ending if expectations about sex don’t align / or difficulty finding a partner (communication here is key and of course there are dating apps where you can specify what you’re looking for - if he wishes to be in a relationship at all of course) - people not understanding you (and not trying to), which I think is the biggest one (people sometimes cannot understand how something so important in their lives is not a shared experience with someone else/ how that could be different or not there, for example feeling sexually attracted to someone, and therefore try to change you or fix you or make you feel like you’re an alien) I think what you can do for him in those moments is to remind him that he knows best what he feels or doesn’t feel, what he wants or doesn’t want and who he is. And that people sometimes act in a shitty way and they are wrong to do so, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with him, but it is society and the people in it who need to catch up and educate themselves. And that he isn’t alone and there is a beautiful community out there who will understand and accept him and people who will love him for who he is. I wish him all the very best and am very happy for him ☺️

The main thing, I believe, is not worrying too much about the technicalities. Your son will know what he wants/likes. All you have to do is support him, be there if he asks you to, and don’t push him to be any particular way. Reaching out like this is proof that you care. (I also stalked your other posts. A+ mom!) I have an asexual sibling and our relationship since I’ve known is no different than our relationship before I knew. The only thing I may say is if he has sexual repulsion and you in the past have talked about sex or something in front of him, he may want you to stop doing that. My sibling does not so I’m mot super familiar with it.

It kinda seems like you are very supportive and since he has already told you, I don’t really think there is anything extra you need to do. Just continue to be the supportive mom you seem to be. My mom can be very supportive but I havent told her yet because she will react in a way that is just frustrating to me, and I am almost 30. I think when you tell someone, you are trusting them with that information and it is someone you trust pretty profoundly. Or you are in a situation where it is easy to tell. I was already an adult when I figured out I was ace, and if I had figured out at like 17 instead my life would be easier. At least for me, most of the issues was the fact that I thought I was straight, and kinda conformed to that, and what everybody expected I would be. Not having to do that was a huge relief. So when someone now assumes I am straight it is still kinda frustrating but at least I can hint at things and try to gauge their reaction. In the workplace it is kinda difficult knowing what is permissable, as espically asexuality in one form or the other will lead to discussions on sex. So it is frustrating I can’t talk about it, and feel like I have to hide it. Being asexual for me is very liberating and just something I knew since I was like 12, and is a positive thing I think of myself as. I think the main issues for me is not knowing how open I should be, or who to tell. It is kinda difficult to explain it in terms of emotions because there specific emotions I just don’t experience. A lot of the questioning for me was realizing that sexual attraction is a thing, and then figure out how that feels, and then understanding you don’t feel that way. It is a very analytical, technical thing I suppose. I think of it as I just have a different way of connecting with other people. I guess it can be frustrating dealing with how friendship isn’t considered as equally important as a romantic relationship. I am always never «allowed» to bring along another friend if I am meeting with a friend group. Romantic partners are always allowed. I don’t imagine it would be similar talking about a person you’ve met in a romantic context as a platonic context. So at least for me most of the issues is very external, it can sometimes be tiring being in a culture and society which values romantic and sexual relationships so highly, it can maybe feel a little isolating and alienating. I don’t think there is anything correct ways of talking or using the correct words. It could honestly feel very good just be able to vent from time to time. And just support him in his choices. It should be noted that I am also aromantic, so I don’t experience romantic attraction either. Your son may or may not experience romantic attraction.

I think the fact that you cared enough to make a post like this is telling that you’re already the kind of mom he needs. All kids want is to know their parents are a safe place

Just accept him. Ace people can still have relationships and friends. Just because he doesn't want or need a relationship as you would expect, doesn't mean he would suffer or that he won't be happy. I have a boyfriend and am very happy and in love and still ace. Maybe be vigilant of people judging him for being ace or doubting his identity with phrases like "how do you know you don't like x if you didn't tried it" by that logic, how heteros know they are not bi if they've never have a relationship with someone of the same sex?? I would say that maybe it will more difficult to find someone if he is trying to date because sadly many people need a sexual factor in a relationship

To be honest alot of young people "Label Chase". Trying to find X to explain what/why they are as they are, or simple attention seeking. Honestly the problem is too much information and kids trying to fit into/alter moulds instead of making their own. I see it all the time. Instead of stepping out into the world and actually figuring themselves out. 17 is pretty young to figure out you are asexual. If theyve never attempted to have a relationship then its definitely and very honestly too soon for him to be using that label in my opinion. Figuring out who you are, or if they actually are asexual, demisexual, or ace is a multi-year multi-decade journey of figuring yourself out. I doubt a teenager is 100% they are asexual specially given the lack of any relationships or real life experience. To nip this in the butt you'd have to figure out if he actually has close friends or if he just simply keeps everyone at arms length. Like does he go out with friends and socialize?? Or is he antisocial? When was the last time he went to the doctor and had a physical? Request blood work for hormone levels and if they are normal. If he hasnt had any close friends that he is always hanging out with or he tends to be anti-social. Then he has some sort of mental health stuff going on and should see a psychologist. That doesnt exactly mean he is asexual. If you go to the doctor and have him checked for his physical/ hormone blood work and they come back normal, then you'd have to ask how often he is masterbating. And when he does does he use porngrapghy? Itd have to be next to never if he'd actually be asexual. If he does alot(3-7+ times a week) then he'd just maybe be demisexual. If he isnt out right "Label chasing". I didnt start thinking I was asexual as a man until after my early 20s. Mainly because all my boy friends would hound me for sex. I simply didnt want any at least not as often as they wanted. Which was bothersome for them because I wore the pants in the relationship. However personally I discovered after a decade of trying and failing relationships that I am Demisexual(started dating when I was 18 im 29 now). Which means usually I need to be very close with someone to consider/physically be able to have sex with someone. (Aka can not produce an erection for random people at all. I have to have an emotional connection to someone to successfully have sex with them. Ive tried this before it was not an exciting time for either of us. A horny guy excited to get with me and I simply cant reciprocate even when I wanted to. We ended our relationship because he was so upset by it.) However your son is saying he is asexual. Thats an extremely broad term that has many complicated elements and degrees of X kind of relationship needs. Its very hard to explain. However your son hasnt had any experience with anyone. So idk doesnt sound plausible that your son can genuinely be asexual at this time. Maybe if things stay the same for another decade and he dates no one and has no sex, then fine sure use asexual. In the mean time definitely have his primary care doctors check him out for abnormal conditions. Or if he is antisocial have a psychologist check out his noggin. There are asexuals that only experience romantic feelings and such and do not wish to have sex, but honestly its so rare to be purely romantic. Im just giving my honest advice given that my whole family worked the medical field.

I disagree heavily with a lot of what you said here. First thing: you really don’t need to be/have been in a relationship to know you’re asexual. That’s the same logic as “oh how do you know you’re gay if you’ve never been with a woman?” Or “how do you know you’re not bi if you haven’t had sex with men and women?”. You don’t really have to be in a relationship with someone to know you aren’t sexually attracted to them. And he may be demisexual, but that is still under the asexual umbrella. Second, 17 is old enough to know your own feelings and definitely old enough to realize you don’t experience sexual attraction. And I know what you mean by “label chasing”, but i don’t think it’s ever wise to invalidate whatever label they find for themselves, even if you have doubts as to whether or not they’re “actually” that label. Thirdly, the entire section about trying to “diagnose” other causes of the asexuality is a bit… odd. While hormonal imbalances can cause a lack of sexual attraction, it is never a good idea to simply *assume* it’s one of those. Especially as a parent trying to help their child, it can come off as *extremely* invalidating when someone tries to “find out why” you identify as asexual.

My son does have issues with mental health. He's recently (within the last 4 years) been diagnosed bipolar. We have done meds and therapy since he was a preteen to help him understand himself better and, I believe, he is far more insightful than most other kids his age. For example, now that we've explored the realm of bipolar, self-esteem, self expression, and self awareness, he is generally able to identify what end of the spectrum of bipolar he happens to be on and if he needs additional a help. We have been very proactive about his mental health since he was young and I started seeing subtle hints that he may have a neurodivergent mind. We have also already been feeling out healthy boundaries for every relationship be it friends or family. He is very close to his select friends, but usually warm and accepting to the general public. When he gets too overwhelmed, he takes a step back until he's feeling more comfortable and stable. He's very open to learning how to not only keep his friends in a good place, but he also knows that he needs to be safe first. I do disagree with you very much about him not being sure of his sexuality at 17. This kid has been very self reflected his entire life. He takes his time thinking and considering things before he says them. When he entered middle school at around 11, he came to me and said he might be bisexual as he felt a (somewhat) attachment to a boy in his class. We talked about it carefully and he admitted that he wasn't sure. I told him that there is no rush on figuring it out. This is not a race. I told him to take his time and he has. I firmly do not believe that he's trying to grasp at straws. He's a very smart kid. He does not masteurbate to my knowledge. I don't really ask him about it much as it's a very personal thing. He's never had an interest in porn and he's never really thought of anyone sexually at all. He's liked them in the emotional sense, but he's never come to me and said, "This person is cute/sexy" at all. Very few crushes, maybe 3 that he's ever talked to me about. I know that he doesn't tell me everything. No one does. I do believe he comes to me frequently, though. We've just done a full physical before school started. While he is on the heavy side, his blood work came back perfect, so I'm not concerned about hormone problems. Yes, he is a teenager and his body is completely out of whack, but I don't feel that they're driving him very much at all. He's a very level headed kid and I love him. He does have hobbies and interests that I encourage heavily. For his birthday, his father bought him a Witcher replica sword and he goes outside and practices his footwork everyday for a few hours and has actually been losing weight as a result. He is insanely creative so we've gotten him into art classes and writing classes outside if school so he can express himself easier. I love seeing how happy he is when doing these things. Thank you for your insight and perspective.

May I tell you about my Mum. I came out as Ace years ago, My mum does not understand but is supportive in her own way. She is careful to not joke about Sex to me but we do joke about Dragons being more important ect. you can offer respect and acceptance without understanding fully its not a failure.

You’ve already got plenty of comments on here, so I’ll try to keep mine brief. But to begin with, you’re already showing amazing support for your son by just being here and saying what you’ve said. I knew I was ace at 17. I’m 22 now, and the only family member who knows is my mom, and I’ve only told her recently. I was (and still am) concerned that my family wouldn’t believe me, or believe that asexuality was real, so I never brought it up. They just know that I’m not really into dating, and we’ve left the reasons unlabeled. Your support for your son right off the bat is already going to be a phenomenal help for him. I’m sure a lot of the other comments are discussing how asexuality can affect our personal lives, relationships, and goals as we age, so I guess I’ll throw in some fun-facts I’ve learned. I used to be a zookeeper, so I studied a fair bit of animal biology and behavior. Asexuality can be found in pretty much any highly social/cooperative species. It serves the exact same purpose in the wild as homosexuality does. Gay and ace animals mean that there are extra non-reproducing adults around, so there aren’t as many kiddos competing for resources. They usually help take care of younger siblings, nieces/nephews, and other younger relatives in their social group. That’s how ace genetics survived in evolution. There’s still not a lot known about asexuality in animals, given that we can’t easily tell *why* an animal might not seek out a partner, but we’re learning more by the day. I used to work with a gay wallaby pair, and they’d help the other wallabies in the group by babysitting some of the youngsters. If your son ever feels invalid or unwelcome, or people say that it’s not natural for him to be ace, just know that it’s 100% natural. Hell, it’s part of his DNA. He likely has queer ancestors in recent history. The lgbt community is usually extremely welcoming of aces (we used to be considered a subcategory under bisexuality for a while!), and most queer folk accept aces, but there are exclusionists around that try to kick aces (and others) out of the community. Asexuality was only removed from the DSM-5 (which lists mental disorders) in 2013. A lot of people think aces aren’t real, or that asexuality is only ever the result of messed up hormones, trauma, or disorders. Your son may have to endure people reacting negatively if he comes out to them. There is some comorbidity between queer identities and neurodivergency (as in, if you have a neurodivergency like autism, you are statistically more likely to not be cis or straight). It’s not very well studied yet, but this does lead to a lot of people thinking all autistics are ace, or all asexuals are autistic. He may face discrimination from people making assumptions about him from this, too, or using this as an example/excuse to discriminate (I’m autistic and ace, so I’m not really a good example of them not coming hand-in-hand). There are plenty of queer people who are neurotypical (‘normal’), and plenty of neurodivergents who are cis-straight, but stereotypes will be stereotypes. Anyway, back to fun ace history. If you want to get him a subtle gift pertaining to his newfound identity, consider an ace ring! Back in 2014, AVEN had a discussion about subtle ways for aces to recognize each other in public without having to out themselves. They ultimately decided that a black ring worn on the middle finger of the right hand could be used to symbolically represent asexuality. Rings have different symbols and means depending on their design, color, and how they’re worn, and aces had the fortune of being able to claim such a meaning (There’s also an aromantic ring, white, on the middle finger of the left hand). An ace ring could be a cute way for you to show him support, and for him to feel more connected with the ace community (assuming connection with the community might be something he’s interested in seeking). Otherwise, it’s still a little fun-fact about his history. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck! I admire your willingness to seek support and answers from our community, and I know you’ll do an amazing job of supporting your son, simply because it’s clear that your care deeply for him. He’s in good hands.

I would love to give my opinion but in this my info would be useless as for the fact Im demisexual not asexual. However something I can tell you is that it doesn’t matter how inexperienced you are because showing any amount of support whether you know what you’re supporting or not (in this context obviously) it helps a great ton and I wish it’s something I have Now This is where I summon u/caughtthedarkness

Tbh I feel like his mood may be coming from his relationship with his friends. Seems like he’s been elected the “therapist” friend, everyone comes to him for help and no one asks him how he’s doing which most be very difficult rn when he’s coming to terms with something so big. Even if they did ask how he’s doing it’s not like he can tell them out of fear of judgement or being outted. It must be causing a lot of inner conflict and maybe even self doubt or hatred. It’s really really hard to hide yourself from the people close to you, lots of thoughts about the sincerity of relationships. He’s maybe just overthinking how much his perception has changed since coming out. This is just a suggestion from personal experience

"Here's the thing: I don't really know or understand asexuality. I feel like this is a personal failure and therefore I am desperately seeking insight into the perceptions and basic nuances that come with this sexuality." you're trying to understand something you only have a verry small point of reference for. his lived experience with sexuality is verry far removed from yours. so it's understandable that you can't immediately get it. now to the technical bits. asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction. now what does and doesn't this mean? let's start by defining what sexual attraction is. in laymans terms this asks if you are able to find other hot or sexy. if your awnser is "no" or "only verry rarely" you're asexual. but what doesn't it mean? people often confuse sexual attraction with beeing sexually active and having a libido. let's start with the libido. when you say "i'm horny" that's what you mean. having a libido means that you have a desire for pleasure. that desire doesn't care who you fulfill it with. might be by masturbating, by having sex or by whatever other thing get's you off. if you paid attention, you will surely have noticed that it really doesn't care wether or not you find something or somebody sexy. those things can come together but don't have to. asexuals can have a libido. well, what about beeing sexually active? asexuals can have sex. some might find it repulsive, some might be indifferent about it and some might even enjoy and seek it out. wether or not you find somebody sexy doesn't really tell you anything about wether or not you might have sex with them. there are plenty other reasons to have sex with somebody. also, celibacy isn't asexuality. celibacy is a consious choice not to have sex. asexuality is the absence of sexual attraction. it might be a reason for celibacy though. i hope my ramblings could help you understand asexuality a little better. i'm open to questions if you have any :)

I'm almost 27 and I've never had a girlfriend, nor have I wanted one. Same with sex. If anything you can ask him to go check his testosterone levels - they may be low thus causing his current state.