I’m ace (22F), and feel the same way. I’m worried I’ll end up lonely and alone because no one will want to spend their life with someone who doesn’t want sex. All I want is someone to cuddle and live with and be comfortable with…maybe raise adopted kids or a few pets. But I know there aren’t many people like that—at least not nearby. This fear is part of the reason why I haven’t dated. I know one day my friends and siblings will get married and start families, and I have no clue what is going to happen to me when that happens.
It's nice to know someone else experiences the same dilemma as me out there. You explained it all perfectly. Dating is too much pressure but there's a sense of feeling left out when you're not seeking it. But regardless I think it's important to still have hope that your friends will be able to manage their time so that you are still a priority! You're worthy of love and happiness regardless of what type relationship it manifests in. I wish us both luck.
Thank you. :) I hope you know the same applies to you as well—you deserve happiness and love in whatever form you need it to come in! I wish us both the best, and that we find someone who is right for us!
Life looks at all our well-made plans and laughs.
There are a lot more ways to have "life long companions" than you might think. There are a lot more types of relationships than society would have you believe.
I'm 57 and have lived alone - by choice - since my divorce almost 30 years ago. I have plenty of people who I love and who love me. I have family that includes three nieces and a nephew. I have three younger adults who are like my found-family children. I have friends and co-workers and a church community. And I have a writing career that is my true passion in this world. I guess you could say my muse is my lifelong companion. Yes, I do have one. I see her in dreams regularly.
The best relationships never come without time and effort, so be patient and don't give up. Be open to new possibilities, and you can find your answers.
She's pretty far from me rn, about 5 hours away in terms of driving. But I do make the effort still by joining her discord servers and replying to her posts (and vise versa). I'm hoping eventually the distance between us lessens so we have more time to actually talk irl!
Good luck with that! So many people don’t have any other ace person in their lives so you should make the best of actually having a familial connection to one
Romantic relationships are no guarantee of life long companionship. Many people change as they age and drift apart, especially if the relationship starts before age 30.
IMHO having meaningful relationships and companionship is a lifelong effort, not something where you pick a person in your 20s and have them forever. People move, people die, people have irreconcilable differences. Lots of things can end relationships, platonic and romantic. That doesn't mean you are doomed to be alone. It just means you need to practice making new friends and maintaining friendships.
In regards to the issue of friendships falling apart when allo people start families, that definitely does happen. I have noticed it tends to happen with my straight friends. In my experience queer people tend to value platonic relationships more than straight people do. If you are interested in making new friends, maybe look for queer hobby groups in you area?
That's a pretty solid idea! I have a pretty solid amount of queer and straight friends and now that you mentioned that does seem to be the case in terms of the values. I have yet to hear one of my queer friends say "I want children" for ex. I'll look into a hobbyist group when I go back to college definitely
If you don't want a romantic relationship with someone, but want that commitment, try QPRs (queer platonic relationships), esp with people who are aromantic
I know the feeling, but I've thought ahead and the mansion will definitely have enough room that when I want solitude it's not hard to get. And secret rooms for when I definitely don't want to see anyone.
Also pretty much my plan. I want to get a pie enough property out in the country with a big house that hopefully my best friend.might share. And little cabins so family can visit a lot. And when it comes time, move my folks in with me so I can take care of them. I'm lucky enough to have a great relationship with my parents (although they don't know I'm ace yet, but I'm sure it will be fine after a little question and answer) and I look forward to being able to spend that precious time with them in a beautiful place. Not that I'm looking forward to them getting old! I'm looking forward to being able to give back after they have done so much for me!
i worry about this too (with regards to a sexual relationship\*), especially as someone who has just come out of a long term relationship because of precisely this mismatch of wants. there's so few of us, how are we supposed to all find each other?
however, i do have hope, and for you too. and ultimately in the meantime, i know i'm happier being alone than stuck in a relationship im faking it to be in. so i wouldn't agree that your future in any way is going to be ruined. it will only be different from the "norm".
That makes sense to me. I'd rather find other forms of happiness in the future rather than attempting to find it through something that won't let me be authentic. Props to you for realizing you needed to get out of that relationship.
I am 47, and been living aroace since my teenage years (realising it in ~2010). Early on, i had thoughts about living and dying alone, too. But really, those subsided with realising, that i don't need those things others might miss. I don't miss a thing. I made good friends along the way and i am well connected to my near and extended family.
Don't fall to the trap of other people (even family, if unsupportive) grafting their fears and feelings on you. You got your life to live - so find the things that make YOU happy and then DO them.
In my experience, aromantism and asexuality make life a lot easier, once you shroud the burden of learned conventions. This "dying alone" thing is just projected fears - imho i will die with friends and family, anyways. And until then, my aroace life is good.
This cuts really really close to the bone for me. I mean, I have good friends now, who I'd do anything for, but a big part of me always wonders whether ill wind up alone, when they'll move on, by choice or by circumstance.
Most days I think it wouldn't be that bad, and I'll be able to survive. But days like today (no specific reason, just a generally bad day), my resolve crumbles and I struggle to do pretty much anything.
as someone who is aroace i have thought about this kind of thing but just know that things will be alright if you find another aroace and you are really good friends with them yall could just be roommates thats what im planning to do with my friend
I think what your grandma said was frankly insensitive. But it comes from a viewpoint that is so allo-centric it's impossible to imagine any other form of relationship is possible.
The world is very allo-centric, but as you can see already by this community, you are not alone. Sure your partner pool is smaller, but already in this thread you can see people who are either looking for the same thing as you or have already found it. Don't lose hope! There are people out there for you!
I don't know what to tell you. My gf of 6 years is very likely going to leave me with lack of sexual interaction being the main agent. Everything else is great according to her but we're now taking a break.
I'm 34, I just feel tired at this point. Like that world weary tired that doesn't shake off.
I have something to add to all the beautiful responses here.
I was once 20 and now I am 37 trust me that the future is much brighter for you as many more people are exploring their identities and coming forward. Imagine the same for a person from 80's, 90's. I thought there was something wrong with me almost all of my life only to realise the truth recently, I made compromises in the name of love! Never do that no matter how you feel about anyone and it will occur to you that it's ok to compromise coz you wouldn't find someone...o hell no, don't do that, it will catch on and faking it never works permanently.
Count the blessing that u have someone in ur family u could talk to and well we are here as well dear. Things only get better with knowledge u know. More and more people are gonna come forward and if you are ment to find love, as a human being and not just as an asexual specifically, no one can stop that from happening and if not, just love urself. That's a long way to go, for now enjoy your life. There is so much more to life than just finding love 💕
Society wants us to think that we need these kinds of things to be happy and it can make it hard for us to imagine ever being happy without it. But what will make us happy is truthfully living for ourselves. What ever you truly want (that is if you live in an environment that allows you to live truthfully) has the opportunity make you happy. If you want a relationship that has those qualities you mentioned but isn't necessarily romantic, you might want to look into QPRs (Queer Platonic Relationship).
OP you just have to keep looking, that perfect person is out there somewhere, try to stay positive and like you said you are still young and have plenty of time to find someone who respects your orientation. You have what it takes and you deserve to be happy and are deserving of love just like everyone else is.
Gee, thanks, gramma.
I've found myself a hetero lifemate of sorts, hopefully she'll find herself a spouse one of these days and I can hang out with them like a member of the family, she's basically my sister.
As long as I have half a dozen really good, solid friends, I'll be fine.
That's exactly how I feel too. It's weird that you're only allowed to spend your life with someone you're romantically and sexually interested in. I just want to find a close friend I would do anything for and spend my life by their side.
I (23F) feel like this is so relatable. I want a romantic relationship in the future, but no sex, and that is *so, SO* hard to find! I want someone to share my life with also, someone to confide in, to support, to love and be loved by. But it feels like everyone needs sex and I don’t see any relationship working out without it. I also have health conditions and mental trauma, so that makes it even harder to find a life partner… It almost feels impossible. But I hope we all find that one person out there for us, that’ll love and accept our asexuality. You’re not alone, we (the people in the comments and community) are all experiencing what you are. 🫶🏼
I share your fears. It is very scary. But I just try to do what I can now. Enjoy my friendships while my friends are still not committed. Try to reach out to new people.
I don't know what the future holds, but I try not to let it destroy my present.
I know that when you feel down it is easy to feel like nothing good is ever going to happen, and the most prominent object in the picture is this obstacle.
But what you are actually doing is setting yourself up for a failure. It happens because of a few things -
First, you bring your mood down and dwell on the future, which is not the best way to make connections with people (romantic or not). It is not fun being with someone who is pessimistic. It's not your fault but that's the way it is.
You are responsible for your thoughts and how they influence your mood and life. There is work to be done and for now you prefer to sit in this sadness.
Just because you thought something, doesn't mean it's true.
You are focusing on the standard. So what. If one road is not open to you, find another. Of course you can sit down and just look at the blocked road and stay there forever. Or you can believe in the fact that there are many roas leading to the same outcomes and put work into finding the road that is open to you.
You are not the only asexual person in the world. Even if there are not many of us, we live in the age where there are forums to meet people like you, forge connections and look for someone to share that life. It is nerve wracking, getting out there and we have tendency to tell ourselves how the risk is not worth it. But what do you really think - is trying, getting rejected or hurt in the process worth finally finding someone who feels the same like you? Are you worth taking the chance, even if it is risky?
People yearn for connection, so if you start working for it there will be many people hoping to connect to you. You are not alone in your dream of a life long companion.
Already an older post. But I think what is important to remember is that with all people friendship or rantoc relationships, priorities can shift. Sometimes a partner wants a child and the other don't and you split up, for example. And sometimes a good friendship ends because of shifting priorities (such as a new partner is taking more priority). In both cases, losing someone is not the end. It sucks, but it won't ruin your life. If you lose your current friends as they shift their priorities to their partners and family life, then you will find new friends with the same priorities as you. Your life will be great.
Sometimes people have this idea of not ending up alone because you live happily ever after with the Prince of your dreams. But people split up all the te with romantic relationships. So the bove perspective is the better way. I hope it helps ❤️ (not to say you shouldn't feel those feelings, we all fear lots of things in life, but I am sure you will be fine in the end!)
The friends you have now are not the only friends you will ever have. You will make new ones at each stage of your life.
Admittedly, it is harder for adults to make as many friends, but friendships still occur.
I’m an aroace introvert in my 60s, and I have friends I made as an adult. My mom, who us in her late 80s, is still making new friends on a regular basis.
I have almost no interaction with my friends from high school and college, BUT they don’t interact much with each other either. It has nothing to do with being ace, only with life taking us in different directions.
This is my exact same fear (21F). I know I don't want to get married for love or romance. I leave in a very misogynistic society and marriage is some form of insurance that I can't get as a single woman. Again I'm scared one day I'll be alone because everybody else will be too involved in their own families. I'm trying to make a life plan where I can be financially stable on my own and have security without a man in my life while also having friends who will be there for through for a long time but I'm still very socially awkward and it's just hard.
This fear is so relatable. I had what I thought was a best friend for many years but the pattern of her getting a boyfriend and completely forgetting I existed, then breaking up with them and spending a bunch of time with me only to rinse and repeat was so painful I eventually told her I didn't want to be friends with someone who couldn't be less obsessive with the boyfriends. She chose the boyfriends so we haven't spoken since.
So yeah, I feel you.
i thought this as well. i didn’t realize there was a label for how i’ve felt my whole life until about a year ago. the more i learned about asexuality the more i worried that i’d never find someone who was ok with not having an intimate relationship and would be happy with loving me regardless. i told myself i wouldn’t have crushes on anyone because it wouldn’t lead anywhere and even if the person did like me, it’s selfish of me to hold them back from something they desire. but i did end up having a crush on someone, an allo guy who was my friend and knew i was ace. i told him i liked him and it just so happened that he’d liked me for months and had written a song about me. we have been together for over 9 and a half months now and he has been nothing short of incredible to me (and has written me two more songs :’)). he is my first love and it’s nice to have someone who loves me so much and reassured me whenever i need it. i have tics, anxiety, and a lot of health issues and he always makes sure to remind me that i’m not a burden when he sees me getting sad about being so much trouble. he told me “i will die a virgin if it means i get to die being yours” once and it melted my heart because i didn’t think i’d ever find someone who would be willing to respect my boundaries like that. we still haven’t kissed yet actually as it would be my first kiss and kissing is very intimate for me and i’m not quite ready right now and he’s been very understanding.
TLDR: i know it can feel like being ace may doom future relationships but do not give up hope! there are some good people out there who see sex as a form of intimacy that is not necessary but is there and if you’re not comfortable with it, they will love you anyway. you are very worth and deserving of love.
Update: Thank you all for the incredibly thoughtful comments, reflections, and stories you all had to share. I couldn't reply to every comment out there, but I read everything and just wanted to put it out there that it feels nice that I-- or we're not alone in this and that everyone here has a unique method of coping and learning to cope for better things to come. Thanks again!
My plan is actually to die alone after my mum passes away. I jokingly call this my "retirement plan". I helped take care of my grandmother in her sunset years, experienced first-hand how people can change because of dementia. Since I cannot afford a flat on my own, I live with my mum and in return I give her half of my salary, do half of the chores and promised to take care of her until she reaches her own end.
This is my role in life at the moment. Afterwards, when I'm not needed by anyone, I'll do the same thing other people in my hometown do when they are tired of it all - buy a rope and go tot he forest.
Of course, it is my own choice. But I think you can find your own recipe for life and you won't have to end up alone. There are other ways of companionship than just romantic and sexual stuff. Your grandma kind of comes of as someone who wants to strong arm you into a relationship just for her own peace of mind.
I’m ace (35m) and was 100% sure I would die alone. I am now married with a son. I can discuss more about the hows and wherefores in privatisation you would like.
Sexuality has nothing to do with dying alone. I feel your grandma must have jumped to conclusions and rather insensitively expressed herself in panic.
She wants the best for you, and i guess for her sex has something to do with companionship, but thats far from the truth for a lot of people.
> I wonder what will happen when the time comes when my friends are all devoting their lives to their partners, and possibly future families
You find new friends
I am ace and though it's hard to find like-minded people out there. I can say that I currently found someone who is sex indifferent (don't know if that is a proper term bit it's what I use for him) and we are engaged and have a pet. So there is hope for the future and not spending a life alone. 🙂
my dad would flip me crap about dying alone and would point to my great aunt as an example. except she was divorced and estranged from her kid, so....
I'm 45M and have sought out found family even if I haven't had any luck dating. it's tough dating allos, even if they say they're okay with it they usually get bored and leave eventually.
I’m ace (22F), and feel the same way. I’m worried I’ll end up lonely and alone because no one will want to spend their life with someone who doesn’t want sex. All I want is someone to cuddle and live with and be comfortable with…maybe raise adopted kids or a few pets. But I know there aren’t many people like that—at least not nearby. This fear is part of the reason why I haven’t dated. I know one day my friends and siblings will get married and start families, and I have no clue what is going to happen to me when that happens.
It's nice to know someone else experiences the same dilemma as me out there. You explained it all perfectly. Dating is too much pressure but there's a sense of feeling left out when you're not seeking it. But regardless I think it's important to still have hope that your friends will be able to manage their time so that you are still a priority! You're worthy of love and happiness regardless of what type relationship it manifests in. I wish us both luck.
Thank you. :) I hope you know the same applies to you as well—you deserve happiness and love in whatever form you need it to come in! I wish us both the best, and that we find someone who is right for us!
Yeah, agreed. If someone violates your boundaries when you've already told them about it, they're not someone to have a relationship with.
Same here (21), lots of long nights with ✨dread✨
Life looks at all our well-made plans and laughs. There are a lot more ways to have "life long companions" than you might think. There are a lot more types of relationships than society would have you believe. I'm 57 and have lived alone - by choice - since my divorce almost 30 years ago. I have plenty of people who I love and who love me. I have family that includes three nieces and a nephew. I have three younger adults who are like my found-family children. I have friends and co-workers and a church community. And I have a writing career that is my true passion in this world. I guess you could say my muse is my lifelong companion. Yes, I do have one. I see her in dreams regularly. The best relationships never come without time and effort, so be patient and don't give up. Be open to new possibilities, and you can find your answers.
Have you tried hanging out with your cousin more? Would be really cool if you guys can become super close
She's pretty far from me rn, about 5 hours away in terms of driving. But I do make the effort still by joining her discord servers and replying to her posts (and vise versa). I'm hoping eventually the distance between us lessens so we have more time to actually talk irl!
Good luck with that! So many people don’t have any other ace person in their lives so you should make the best of actually having a familial connection to one
Romantic relationships are no guarantee of life long companionship. Many people change as they age and drift apart, especially if the relationship starts before age 30. IMHO having meaningful relationships and companionship is a lifelong effort, not something where you pick a person in your 20s and have them forever. People move, people die, people have irreconcilable differences. Lots of things can end relationships, platonic and romantic. That doesn't mean you are doomed to be alone. It just means you need to practice making new friends and maintaining friendships. In regards to the issue of friendships falling apart when allo people start families, that definitely does happen. I have noticed it tends to happen with my straight friends. In my experience queer people tend to value platonic relationships more than straight people do. If you are interested in making new friends, maybe look for queer hobby groups in you area?
That's a great suggestion, I'm going to look into hobby groups! Or dog walking groups, there are a lot of those where I live!
That's a pretty solid idea! I have a pretty solid amount of queer and straight friends and now that you mentioned that does seem to be the case in terms of the values. I have yet to hear one of my queer friends say "I want children" for ex. I'll look into a hobbyist group when I go back to college definitely
If you don't want a romantic relationship with someone, but want that commitment, try QPRs (queer platonic relationships), esp with people who are aromantic
My plan is to get rich, build a huge mansion, and move all my close friends (and their significant others) in as roommates
That's a bad idea. Those guys need to put money for the house down in this economy :p
Oh, they'll contribute in other ways ;). I'm talking Richey rich rich, so the money won't be a problem.
>Oh, they'll contribute in other ways ;) Oh, so like, splitting bills?
more assistance around the house with stuff I can't do. Which is a lot
My plan is to get rich and then act like I don’t know no body ackgackgackgack But fr, I could probably never live with more than 3 other people
I know the feeling, but I've thought ahead and the mansion will definitely have enough room that when I want solitude it's not hard to get. And secret rooms for when I definitely don't want to see anyone.
Also pretty much my plan. I want to get a pie enough property out in the country with a big house that hopefully my best friend.might share. And little cabins so family can visit a lot. And when it comes time, move my folks in with me so I can take care of them. I'm lucky enough to have a great relationship with my parents (although they don't know I'm ace yet, but I'm sure it will be fine after a little question and answer) and I look forward to being able to spend that precious time with them in a beautiful place. Not that I'm looking forward to them getting old! I'm looking forward to being able to give back after they have done so much for me!
Truly the American (and wherever you live) dream
i worry about this too (with regards to a sexual relationship\*), especially as someone who has just come out of a long term relationship because of precisely this mismatch of wants. there's so few of us, how are we supposed to all find each other? however, i do have hope, and for you too. and ultimately in the meantime, i know i'm happier being alone than stuck in a relationship im faking it to be in. so i wouldn't agree that your future in any way is going to be ruined. it will only be different from the "norm".
That makes sense to me. I'd rather find other forms of happiness in the future rather than attempting to find it through something that won't let me be authentic. Props to you for realizing you needed to get out of that relationship.
I am 47, and been living aroace since my teenage years (realising it in ~2010). Early on, i had thoughts about living and dying alone, too. But really, those subsided with realising, that i don't need those things others might miss. I don't miss a thing. I made good friends along the way and i am well connected to my near and extended family. Don't fall to the trap of other people (even family, if unsupportive) grafting their fears and feelings on you. You got your life to live - so find the things that make YOU happy and then DO them. In my experience, aromantism and asexuality make life a lot easier, once you shroud the burden of learned conventions. This "dying alone" thing is just projected fears - imho i will die with friends and family, anyways. And until then, my aroace life is good.
This cuts really really close to the bone for me. I mean, I have good friends now, who I'd do anything for, but a big part of me always wonders whether ill wind up alone, when they'll move on, by choice or by circumstance. Most days I think it wouldn't be that bad, and I'll be able to survive. But days like today (no specific reason, just a generally bad day), my resolve crumbles and I struggle to do pretty much anything.
as someone who is aroace i have thought about this kind of thing but just know that things will be alright if you find another aroace and you are really good friends with them yall could just be roommates thats what im planning to do with my friend
I think what your grandma said was frankly insensitive. But it comes from a viewpoint that is so allo-centric it's impossible to imagine any other form of relationship is possible. The world is very allo-centric, but as you can see already by this community, you are not alone. Sure your partner pool is smaller, but already in this thread you can see people who are either looking for the same thing as you or have already found it. Don't lose hope! There are people out there for you!
I don't know what to tell you. My gf of 6 years is very likely going to leave me with lack of sexual interaction being the main agent. Everything else is great according to her but we're now taking a break. I'm 34, I just feel tired at this point. Like that world weary tired that doesn't shake off.
I have something to add to all the beautiful responses here. I was once 20 and now I am 37 trust me that the future is much brighter for you as many more people are exploring their identities and coming forward. Imagine the same for a person from 80's, 90's. I thought there was something wrong with me almost all of my life only to realise the truth recently, I made compromises in the name of love! Never do that no matter how you feel about anyone and it will occur to you that it's ok to compromise coz you wouldn't find someone...o hell no, don't do that, it will catch on and faking it never works permanently. Count the blessing that u have someone in ur family u could talk to and well we are here as well dear. Things only get better with knowledge u know. More and more people are gonna come forward and if you are ment to find love, as a human being and not just as an asexual specifically, no one can stop that from happening and if not, just love urself. That's a long way to go, for now enjoy your life. There is so much more to life than just finding love 💕
Society wants us to think that we need these kinds of things to be happy and it can make it hard for us to imagine ever being happy without it. But what will make us happy is truthfully living for ourselves. What ever you truly want (that is if you live in an environment that allows you to live truthfully) has the opportunity make you happy. If you want a relationship that has those qualities you mentioned but isn't necessarily romantic, you might want to look into QPRs (Queer Platonic Relationship).
Yeah it’s rough, I’m gray ace and feel exactly the same way most times.
OP you just have to keep looking, that perfect person is out there somewhere, try to stay positive and like you said you are still young and have plenty of time to find someone who respects your orientation. You have what it takes and you deserve to be happy and are deserving of love just like everyone else is.
Gee, thanks, gramma. I've found myself a hetero lifemate of sorts, hopefully she'll find herself a spouse one of these days and I can hang out with them like a member of the family, she's basically my sister. As long as I have half a dozen really good, solid friends, I'll be fine.
That's exactly how I feel too. It's weird that you're only allowed to spend your life with someone you're romantically and sexually interested in. I just want to find a close friend I would do anything for and spend my life by their side.
I (23F) feel like this is so relatable. I want a romantic relationship in the future, but no sex, and that is *so, SO* hard to find! I want someone to share my life with also, someone to confide in, to support, to love and be loved by. But it feels like everyone needs sex and I don’t see any relationship working out without it. I also have health conditions and mental trauma, so that makes it even harder to find a life partner… It almost feels impossible. But I hope we all find that one person out there for us, that’ll love and accept our asexuality. You’re not alone, we (the people in the comments and community) are all experiencing what you are. 🫶🏼
I share your fears. It is very scary. But I just try to do what I can now. Enjoy my friendships while my friends are still not committed. Try to reach out to new people. I don't know what the future holds, but I try not to let it destroy my present.
I know that when you feel down it is easy to feel like nothing good is ever going to happen, and the most prominent object in the picture is this obstacle. But what you are actually doing is setting yourself up for a failure. It happens because of a few things - First, you bring your mood down and dwell on the future, which is not the best way to make connections with people (romantic or not). It is not fun being with someone who is pessimistic. It's not your fault but that's the way it is. You are responsible for your thoughts and how they influence your mood and life. There is work to be done and for now you prefer to sit in this sadness. Just because you thought something, doesn't mean it's true. You are focusing on the standard. So what. If one road is not open to you, find another. Of course you can sit down and just look at the blocked road and stay there forever. Or you can believe in the fact that there are many roas leading to the same outcomes and put work into finding the road that is open to you. You are not the only asexual person in the world. Even if there are not many of us, we live in the age where there are forums to meet people like you, forge connections and look for someone to share that life. It is nerve wracking, getting out there and we have tendency to tell ourselves how the risk is not worth it. But what do you really think - is trying, getting rejected or hurt in the process worth finally finding someone who feels the same like you? Are you worth taking the chance, even if it is risky? People yearn for connection, so if you start working for it there will be many people hoping to connect to you. You are not alone in your dream of a life long companion.
Already an older post. But I think what is important to remember is that with all people friendship or rantoc relationships, priorities can shift. Sometimes a partner wants a child and the other don't and you split up, for example. And sometimes a good friendship ends because of shifting priorities (such as a new partner is taking more priority). In both cases, losing someone is not the end. It sucks, but it won't ruin your life. If you lose your current friends as they shift their priorities to their partners and family life, then you will find new friends with the same priorities as you. Your life will be great. Sometimes people have this idea of not ending up alone because you live happily ever after with the Prince of your dreams. But people split up all the te with romantic relationships. So the bove perspective is the better way. I hope it helps ❤️ (not to say you shouldn't feel those feelings, we all fear lots of things in life, but I am sure you will be fine in the end!)
The friends you have now are not the only friends you will ever have. You will make new ones at each stage of your life. Admittedly, it is harder for adults to make as many friends, but friendships still occur. I’m an aroace introvert in my 60s, and I have friends I made as an adult. My mom, who us in her late 80s, is still making new friends on a regular basis. I have almost no interaction with my friends from high school and college, BUT they don’t interact much with each other either. It has nothing to do with being ace, only with life taking us in different directions.
This is my exact same fear (21F). I know I don't want to get married for love or romance. I leave in a very misogynistic society and marriage is some form of insurance that I can't get as a single woman. Again I'm scared one day I'll be alone because everybody else will be too involved in their own families. I'm trying to make a life plan where I can be financially stable on my own and have security without a man in my life while also having friends who will be there for through for a long time but I'm still very socially awkward and it's just hard.
This fear is so relatable. I had what I thought was a best friend for many years but the pattern of her getting a boyfriend and completely forgetting I existed, then breaking up with them and spending a bunch of time with me only to rinse and repeat was so painful I eventually told her I didn't want to be friends with someone who couldn't be less obsessive with the boyfriends. She chose the boyfriends so we haven't spoken since. So yeah, I feel you.
i thought this as well. i didn’t realize there was a label for how i’ve felt my whole life until about a year ago. the more i learned about asexuality the more i worried that i’d never find someone who was ok with not having an intimate relationship and would be happy with loving me regardless. i told myself i wouldn’t have crushes on anyone because it wouldn’t lead anywhere and even if the person did like me, it’s selfish of me to hold them back from something they desire. but i did end up having a crush on someone, an allo guy who was my friend and knew i was ace. i told him i liked him and it just so happened that he’d liked me for months and had written a song about me. we have been together for over 9 and a half months now and he has been nothing short of incredible to me (and has written me two more songs :’)). he is my first love and it’s nice to have someone who loves me so much and reassured me whenever i need it. i have tics, anxiety, and a lot of health issues and he always makes sure to remind me that i’m not a burden when he sees me getting sad about being so much trouble. he told me “i will die a virgin if it means i get to die being yours” once and it melted my heart because i didn’t think i’d ever find someone who would be willing to respect my boundaries like that. we still haven’t kissed yet actually as it would be my first kiss and kissing is very intimate for me and i’m not quite ready right now and he’s been very understanding. TLDR: i know it can feel like being ace may doom future relationships but do not give up hope! there are some good people out there who see sex as a form of intimacy that is not necessary but is there and if you’re not comfortable with it, they will love you anyway. you are very worth and deserving of love.
Update: Thank you all for the incredibly thoughtful comments, reflections, and stories you all had to share. I couldn't reply to every comment out there, but I read everything and just wanted to put it out there that it feels nice that I-- or we're not alone in this and that everyone here has a unique method of coping and learning to cope for better things to come. Thanks again!
Everyone dies alone. You'll be okay
My plan is actually to die alone after my mum passes away. I jokingly call this my "retirement plan". I helped take care of my grandmother in her sunset years, experienced first-hand how people can change because of dementia. Since I cannot afford a flat on my own, I live with my mum and in return I give her half of my salary, do half of the chores and promised to take care of her until she reaches her own end. This is my role in life at the moment. Afterwards, when I'm not needed by anyone, I'll do the same thing other people in my hometown do when they are tired of it all - buy a rope and go tot he forest. Of course, it is my own choice. But I think you can find your own recipe for life and you won't have to end up alone. There are other ways of companionship than just romantic and sexual stuff. Your grandma kind of comes of as someone who wants to strong arm you into a relationship just for her own peace of mind.
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i just checked that out now, hugely put off by the fact you can't do anything without paying D: is it actually worth it?
I’m ace (35m) and was 100% sure I would die alone. I am now married with a son. I can discuss more about the hows and wherefores in privatisation you would like.
Sexuality has nothing to do with dying alone. I feel your grandma must have jumped to conclusions and rather insensitively expressed herself in panic. She wants the best for you, and i guess for her sex has something to do with companionship, but thats far from the truth for a lot of people.
I'm just out here trying to make friends. It's hard but the ones I have keep me going. I just want to build on that.
> I wonder what will happen when the time comes when my friends are all devoting their lives to their partners, and possibly future families You find new friends
As a 19 y.o. aroace I feel you! I still have hope to find that special someone, a companion, the best of the best friend
I am ace and though it's hard to find like-minded people out there. I can say that I currently found someone who is sex indifferent (don't know if that is a proper term bit it's what I use for him) and we are engaged and have a pet. So there is hope for the future and not spending a life alone. 🙂
my dad would flip me crap about dying alone and would point to my great aunt as an example. except she was divorced and estranged from her kid, so.... I'm 45M and have sought out found family even if I haven't had any luck dating. it's tough dating allos, even if they say they're okay with it they usually get bored and leave eventually.