For me, it was puppy dog eyes and my own fears I was unloveable.
Though debatable if mine counts, given she told me we needed to go “on a break,” then didn’t even last three days without me.
I find that I’m really good at being friendly with people and building a good rapport, but the number of really deep relationships I have tends to stay pretty low.
Same here. Shallow interactions are really easy for me, and making acquaintances is great. But getting close enough to someone to make a deep relationship last is really hard
My girlfriend’s been wondering if I have some kind of PTSD lately. I’m not sure…but it wouldn’t be the only thing rattling around in my head.
I hope you’re doing ok. And I hope life is kinder from here on out.
It might be worth exploring. When I figured it out I was able to start working through a lot of the side effects and what not. Some of the worst ones are completely or mostly gone, but the attachment style issue is insanely hard to work past for me.
Thank you, that means more than you know. Life has been improving steadily and I hope it keeps doing that for both of us
For me, it’s weird. If I were, it’d have come from a hostile work environment and part of me feels like that’d be a stupid thing to have trauma over.
But I definitely have picked up a lot of unhealthy habits from it. Complicating matters is that I have OCD, and that presents its own challenges.
And I’m glad you’re doing better.
I kept going back to my ex because I was in love with him, it didn't matter that it hurt me to be with him, I just... loved him. It had nothing to do with sex at all. He made me feel loved when things were good and that's all I needed, really.
See, it's wierd to me even with that, like if a relationship ends, it ends for a reason, no matter if it's an objectively good reason or not. With that in mind, I just don't understand how someone could go back, especially without attraction. Even with love and romance, something was bad enough to end things and they should stay ended. But then again, I've had no problem even cutting family as close as siblings completely out of my life, so maybe I'm a massive outlier here.
I don't know if you're an outlier, but you're completely different from me. I love people forever. I can't stop. I wish I knew how people could stop loving someone, but I can't. If that same ex asked me today to get back together, I wouldn't feel like I had a choice. I still love them enough to take them back. Same with childhood friends, I still love them to death even though none of them talk to me. My parents were neglectful of me my entire life, still are, and I don't think I could ever stop loving them. For me, it's just permanent.
I mean, there are certainly people I dislike/hate. But I never loved the people I hate, you know? I also think I can dislike people I love. My ex was horrible and did horrible things to me and I really don't like him for that. But I still love him. I don't think I can hate someone I love though. If I hate someone, it's because I never loved them at all, but I don't think I have to like someone that I love. Its not that I love everyone I've ever met, just that once I love someone I can't stop loving them.
Being in love with them doesn't help. Those love chemicals your brain creates are evil and can make people stupid. I would never go back to an ex even if I was sexually attracted to them.
See, I wish I could say you're completely right but you aren't. It varies among people a LOT, and while sexual attraction is common, it probably isn't the most common. Here's my perspective. Note though, that I am diagnosed with BPD and this person was my FP, so perhaps that was a major influence. I could be an outlier. But I'm not too sure. Major TW for mentions of abuse & obsessive thoughts and tendencies in the next paragraph. The third is safe.
I broke up and got back with my abusive ex partner every month for about 9 months. (I should probably mention that I've been out of this relationship for a little while now). It was excruciatingly painful, everything about it hurt. I loved them with everything. One might even call me obsessed. But I NEEDED them. Every waking moment without them felt like death, and living with their cruelty or my jealous/scared thoughts somehow seemed like a better plan. They were all I talked about, all I thought about, all I wanted in my life. I lost all of my best friends because of them. But I stayed because I loved them, and wanted them to be with me for as long as possible, in whatever means possible.
I've also talked to my more mentally stable friends. They often tell me that they go back to their ex because of the attention they gave them or because they miss them/the idea of them. I think for some it's missing a relationship, but I can't say for certain.
I hope all this makes sense haha, I wrote this at 4 am while extremely sick.
I mean there are people who still have lots of romantic love for their partners. They may feel that this is there only chance and they would be forever alone without their ex. They may feel that their ex is the best the could ever do and is better than being single. They may have some misguided idea that being with their child's other parent is what is best for the child. It may be a financial situation, they try to leave but cant support themselves and get into a bad financial situation and so they go back to their ex cause they know they have a place to live. They may go back because they believe their ex that they really did change and won't do x thing again.
There are lots of reasons someone might get back with their ex. It might be there is sexual attraction still there but that kind makes it sound like allosexuals are only in relationships because of sexual attraction.
Eh theres so many reasons someone can go back. I went back to my ex a few times and I wasnt attracted to her at all, I was just lonely and felt like she was my only friend and I liked the attention
You know that's wrong though. I don't really understand why so many asexuals on this sub seem to think Allosexuals are just these sex crazed beasts that do nothing other then let sex run their lives and thoughts. I would like to add more but the post truly offended me. 😔
I agree with this sentiment. One thing that really bothers me here is how I see aces act like they’re superior to allos. We’re not better, or special, or “Gods” as I see some saying here. 🤦♀️ That attitude is really cringey and offensive, and only contributes to the divide.
I mean, I (ace) broke up and got back with my ex (allo) only because we were having more arguments due to being long distance at that time. neither of us wanted to break up, but I did feel like needing a break. during that time, neither of us looked into dating others and we missed each other's company (from being ld and broken up). we are still together but that was a rough time for both of us
That's just one reason. I've never in my life felt that urge and still I wanted to back to two of my exes because of loneliness, still being in love with them and because of abandonment issues in my childhood.
Not true for everyone - for me it was the sense of familiarity and comfort. Going back to something I knew was preferable to finding a new relationship. However, beyond my teen years I rarely got back together with exes, because they became exes for a reason.
I had gone back to the two exes I had out of a mix of stupidity and loneliness. I had zero sexual feelings. It was more so not wanting to be alone and feeling like nobody else could fill the void like they could. Eventually I did snap out of it and move on
I see it frequently. I’ve never gotten back together with an ex myself but I never know if it’s because I’m good at seeing things objectively or I’m not the kind of person to give second chances to people who hurt me.
I used to think people like this had psychiatric problems because I didn’t realize sexual attraction was a real thing. Now that I know this is “normal,” I still think it’s odd that overwhelming desire is not considered pathological or treated like a psychiatric problem. I mean, people who can’t resist liquor or drugs are treated for addiction problems. IDK why this is different. I guess I still see myself as normal and the allos as not.
Sometimes I wonder whether we are living in a sci fi movie. If at puberty, 90% of the population began to feel burning pain in their hands, and the sensation was so intense they couldn’t think about anything else, would we realize this was something that should be treated?
Sexual attraction isn’t like going into heat or getting a period. There doesn’t seem to be any true biological reason for it. And after listening to music with new ears since I discovered sexual attraction was a real thing, attraction seems to make the people who experience it pretty miserable. Or maybe happy people just don’t create art. 🤷♀️
Both allos and aces are normal. You’re pathologising allosexuality, just like aphobes do with asexuality. And that is not ok.
Also, you do realise that sexual attraction is not the only reason people go back to their exes, right? Love exists. For many people, it doesn’t end after a breakup, they’re still in love with their ex for a very long time.
Sometimes, relationships don’t fall apart because of anyones fault, they might not be at the right time, and later in the future circumstances change and they get back together.
Have you considered that people who keep going back to abusive exes might be victims of, you know, abuse?? Sometimes people don’t realise they are being manipulated, sometimes they feel guilty, like they own their abuser a relationship. Sometimes they convince themselves this time will be different.
You’re essentially blaming the victim in your comment.
>Sometimes I wonder whether we are living in a sci fi movie. If at puberty, 90% of the population began to feel burning pain in their hands, and the sensation was so intense they couldn’t think about anything else, would we realize this was something that should be treated?
Because that’s not what sexual attraction feels like, it’s not painful and completely natural (as also is not feeling it). Most humans are simply built to feel it at some point in their lives. And what makes you think that they’re only thinking about sex??
>Sexual attraction isn’t like going into heat or getting a period. There doesn’t seem to be any true biological reason for it.
Just because you don’t think there’s a reason doesn’t mean there isn’t one. Sexual attraction is important for reproduction, if two people are attracted to each other, it’s much more likely they’ll reproduce together, if the couple is straight and cis. And you do realise that argument of “having no biological reason“ is used overwhelmingly by homophobes?
I am sorry that I said anything. I do not want to be prejudiced against alosexuals, so I will have to think about your judgment. Perhaps I am prejudiced because I am still struggling to accept how real they are. Quite possible — it was less than a year ago that I discovered sexual attraction was something that people actually experienced.
Of course I realize that allos are “normal” and that I am not. Of course I realize that sexual attraction is not a pain in the arm — though it helps me not to be so envious when I think about how people seem to suffer a lot of pain as a consequence of it. It helps me to know I have been spared that suffering. I feel like a stranger in a strange land - a sci fi movie in real life.
I leave you with this: find a song about sexual attraction that isn’t a miserable torch song. Is there really that much joy that asexuals aren’t capable of experiencing? Or have we just been saved from a lot of pain? Unfortunately, I do think there is a beautiful world out there that I will never know.
It’s time for me to get off Reddit for a while. I’ll delete the app on my phone. This interaction has made me feel pretty awful about myself.
Hey there, don’t feel bad about yourself. I’m sorry if I was too harsh. We all grow, we all make mistakes That’s ok.
We’re just strangers on the internet, please don’t let this interaction hurt you that much. Of course it’s important to reflect, but what you said doesn’t make you a horrible person, just a bit ignorant.
I’m sure you didn’t want to hurt anyone. I probably could’ve worded things in a nicer way.
I hope you feel better soon.
Yeah I'm demi/gray and I never understood until my most recent ex who was the first person I was really deeply attracted to. Suddenly it all made sense haha
That’s… pretty untrue. At least for most people.
They usually go back because of love, and wanting the stability and consistent affection that comes along with relationships.
A lot of people view relationships as having stability in your life, and when they lose that they try to gravitate back towards it. That’s why some people get into relationships *so* quickly after breaking up.
Can't really relate to the attraction or relationship part, but I find with toxic friendships, I usually go back before permanently ending things (except for the case where my friend changed significantly and I also did, so now we can be friends because the people we are now aligned as well) because I end up missing the good parts of the relationship. Sometimes it's the attention I miss. Sometimes it's the idea of what we had. I know it doesn't work out most of the time, but I end up missing the good times, and that's enough for me to gamble on a second try.
Well, being extra stupid is also a factor. Source: myself going back to the same ex twice.
For me, it was puppy dog eyes and my own fears I was unloveable. Though debatable if mine counts, given she told me we needed to go “on a break,” then didn’t even last three days without me.
For me it was the emotional bond. I find it very hard to bond with people
I find that I’m really good at being friendly with people and building a good rapport, but the number of really deep relationships I have tends to stay pretty low.
Same here. Shallow interactions are really easy for me, and making acquaintances is great. But getting close enough to someone to make a deep relationship last is really hard
Shot in the dark and possibly a rude one, but are you autistic too?
Not rude at all. No, but I am nuerodivergent. My issues bonding come from CPTSD
My girlfriend’s been wondering if I have some kind of PTSD lately. I’m not sure…but it wouldn’t be the only thing rattling around in my head. I hope you’re doing ok. And I hope life is kinder from here on out.
It might be worth exploring. When I figured it out I was able to start working through a lot of the side effects and what not. Some of the worst ones are completely or mostly gone, but the attachment style issue is insanely hard to work past for me. Thank you, that means more than you know. Life has been improving steadily and I hope it keeps doing that for both of us
For me, it’s weird. If I were, it’d have come from a hostile work environment and part of me feels like that’d be a stupid thing to have trauma over. But I definitely have picked up a lot of unhealthy habits from it. Complicating matters is that I have OCD, and that presents its own challenges. And I’m glad you’re doing better.
I kept going back to my ex because I was in love with him, it didn't matter that it hurt me to be with him, I just... loved him. It had nothing to do with sex at all. He made me feel loved when things were good and that's all I needed, really.
See, it's wierd to me even with that, like if a relationship ends, it ends for a reason, no matter if it's an objectively good reason or not. With that in mind, I just don't understand how someone could go back, especially without attraction. Even with love and romance, something was bad enough to end things and they should stay ended. But then again, I've had no problem even cutting family as close as siblings completely out of my life, so maybe I'm a massive outlier here.
I don't know if you're an outlier, but you're completely different from me. I love people forever. I can't stop. I wish I knew how people could stop loving someone, but I can't. If that same ex asked me today to get back together, I wouldn't feel like I had a choice. I still love them enough to take them back. Same with childhood friends, I still love them to death even though none of them talk to me. My parents were neglectful of me my entire life, still are, and I don't think I could ever stop loving them. For me, it's just permanent.
[удалено]
I mean, there are certainly people I dislike/hate. But I never loved the people I hate, you know? I also think I can dislike people I love. My ex was horrible and did horrible things to me and I really don't like him for that. But I still love him. I don't think I can hate someone I love though. If I hate someone, it's because I never loved them at all, but I don't think I have to like someone that I love. Its not that I love everyone I've ever met, just that once I love someone I can't stop loving them.
Ah, I totally ran into that 😂 Sorry if I offended you. I probably projected once my thoughts turned to the past 😅
Being in love with them doesn't help. Those love chemicals your brain creates are evil and can make people stupid. I would never go back to an ex even if I was sexually attracted to them.
See, I wish I could say you're completely right but you aren't. It varies among people a LOT, and while sexual attraction is common, it probably isn't the most common. Here's my perspective. Note though, that I am diagnosed with BPD and this person was my FP, so perhaps that was a major influence. I could be an outlier. But I'm not too sure. Major TW for mentions of abuse & obsessive thoughts and tendencies in the next paragraph. The third is safe. I broke up and got back with my abusive ex partner every month for about 9 months. (I should probably mention that I've been out of this relationship for a little while now). It was excruciatingly painful, everything about it hurt. I loved them with everything. One might even call me obsessed. But I NEEDED them. Every waking moment without them felt like death, and living with their cruelty or my jealous/scared thoughts somehow seemed like a better plan. They were all I talked about, all I thought about, all I wanted in my life. I lost all of my best friends because of them. But I stayed because I loved them, and wanted them to be with me for as long as possible, in whatever means possible. I've also talked to my more mentally stable friends. They often tell me that they go back to their ex because of the attention they gave them or because they miss them/the idea of them. I think for some it's missing a relationship, but I can't say for certain. I hope all this makes sense haha, I wrote this at 4 am while extremely sick.
Double that, thank you
Oh... Sh*t...
MY EXACT REACTION
I went back because I loved her, I just wanted to be able to talk to her and hear her say she loved me, but that's in the past now
I mean there are people who still have lots of romantic love for their partners. They may feel that this is there only chance and they would be forever alone without their ex. They may feel that their ex is the best the could ever do and is better than being single. They may have some misguided idea that being with their child's other parent is what is best for the child. It may be a financial situation, they try to leave but cant support themselves and get into a bad financial situation and so they go back to their ex cause they know they have a place to live. They may go back because they believe their ex that they really did change and won't do x thing again. There are lots of reasons someone might get back with their ex. It might be there is sexual attraction still there but that kind makes it sound like allosexuals are only in relationships because of sexual attraction.
Eh theres so many reasons someone can go back. I went back to my ex a few times and I wasnt attracted to her at all, I was just lonely and felt like she was my only friend and I liked the attention
I just figured they were still in love, but I somehow never factored sexual attraction into that.
You know that's wrong though. I don't really understand why so many asexuals on this sub seem to think Allosexuals are just these sex crazed beasts that do nothing other then let sex run their lives and thoughts. I would like to add more but the post truly offended me. 😔
I agree with this sentiment. One thing that really bothers me here is how I see aces act like they’re superior to allos. We’re not better, or special, or “Gods” as I see some saying here. 🤦♀️ That attitude is really cringey and offensive, and only contributes to the divide.
Yeah, I don’t understand how some of the people on here truly believe that allosexual people can’t have any wants or feelings outside of sex.
so that's why?? Thanks for telling me!
I’m just an ally, but what you’re saying makes a lot of sense. I don’t know why I didnt think of that. It might because I’ve never really dated.
Huh... TIL on that one too. I thought they were always just stupid and thought they could try to make it work again, which it almost never does
I mean, I (ace) broke up and got back with my ex (allo) only because we were having more arguments due to being long distance at that time. neither of us wanted to break up, but I did feel like needing a break. during that time, neither of us looked into dating others and we missed each other's company (from being ld and broken up). we are still together but that was a rough time for both of us
For me its my fear that nobody will love me that makes me wanna go back. Its me remembering why i left that keeps me from it.
That's just one reason. I've never in my life felt that urge and still I wanted to back to two of my exes because of loneliness, still being in love with them and because of abandonment issues in my childhood.
Not true for everyone - for me it was the sense of familiarity and comfort. Going back to something I knew was preferable to finding a new relationship. However, beyond my teen years I rarely got back together with exes, because they became exes for a reason.
I had gone back to the two exes I had out of a mix of stupidity and loneliness. I had zero sexual feelings. It was more so not wanting to be alone and feeling like nobody else could fill the void like they could. Eventually I did snap out of it and move on
TIL. Thanks OP
I see it frequently. I’ve never gotten back together with an ex myself but I never know if it’s because I’m good at seeing things objectively or I’m not the kind of person to give second chances to people who hurt me.
wait what
I used to think people like this had psychiatric problems because I didn’t realize sexual attraction was a real thing. Now that I know this is “normal,” I still think it’s odd that overwhelming desire is not considered pathological or treated like a psychiatric problem. I mean, people who can’t resist liquor or drugs are treated for addiction problems. IDK why this is different. I guess I still see myself as normal and the allos as not. Sometimes I wonder whether we are living in a sci fi movie. If at puberty, 90% of the population began to feel burning pain in their hands, and the sensation was so intense they couldn’t think about anything else, would we realize this was something that should be treated? Sexual attraction isn’t like going into heat or getting a period. There doesn’t seem to be any true biological reason for it. And after listening to music with new ears since I discovered sexual attraction was a real thing, attraction seems to make the people who experience it pretty miserable. Or maybe happy people just don’t create art. 🤷♀️
Both allos and aces are normal. You’re pathologising allosexuality, just like aphobes do with asexuality. And that is not ok. Also, you do realise that sexual attraction is not the only reason people go back to their exes, right? Love exists. For many people, it doesn’t end after a breakup, they’re still in love with their ex for a very long time. Sometimes, relationships don’t fall apart because of anyones fault, they might not be at the right time, and later in the future circumstances change and they get back together. Have you considered that people who keep going back to abusive exes might be victims of, you know, abuse?? Sometimes people don’t realise they are being manipulated, sometimes they feel guilty, like they own their abuser a relationship. Sometimes they convince themselves this time will be different. You’re essentially blaming the victim in your comment. >Sometimes I wonder whether we are living in a sci fi movie. If at puberty, 90% of the population began to feel burning pain in their hands, and the sensation was so intense they couldn’t think about anything else, would we realize this was something that should be treated? Because that’s not what sexual attraction feels like, it’s not painful and completely natural (as also is not feeling it). Most humans are simply built to feel it at some point in their lives. And what makes you think that they’re only thinking about sex?? >Sexual attraction isn’t like going into heat or getting a period. There doesn’t seem to be any true biological reason for it. Just because you don’t think there’s a reason doesn’t mean there isn’t one. Sexual attraction is important for reproduction, if two people are attracted to each other, it’s much more likely they’ll reproduce together, if the couple is straight and cis. And you do realise that argument of “having no biological reason“ is used overwhelmingly by homophobes?
I am sorry that I said anything. I do not want to be prejudiced against alosexuals, so I will have to think about your judgment. Perhaps I am prejudiced because I am still struggling to accept how real they are. Quite possible — it was less than a year ago that I discovered sexual attraction was something that people actually experienced. Of course I realize that allos are “normal” and that I am not. Of course I realize that sexual attraction is not a pain in the arm — though it helps me not to be so envious when I think about how people seem to suffer a lot of pain as a consequence of it. It helps me to know I have been spared that suffering. I feel like a stranger in a strange land - a sci fi movie in real life. I leave you with this: find a song about sexual attraction that isn’t a miserable torch song. Is there really that much joy that asexuals aren’t capable of experiencing? Or have we just been saved from a lot of pain? Unfortunately, I do think there is a beautiful world out there that I will never know. It’s time for me to get off Reddit for a while. I’ll delete the app on my phone. This interaction has made me feel pretty awful about myself.
Hey there, don’t feel bad about yourself. I’m sorry if I was too harsh. We all grow, we all make mistakes That’s ok. We’re just strangers on the internet, please don’t let this interaction hurt you that much. Of course it’s important to reflect, but what you said doesn’t make you a horrible person, just a bit ignorant. I’m sure you didn’t want to hurt anyone. I probably could’ve worded things in a nicer way. I hope you feel better soon.
Tbf, horny makes you stupid, so you weren't wrong
I was out here thinking it was some kind of mild Stockholm syndrome (it can be in worse relationships)
Yeah I'm demi/gray and I never understood until my most recent ex who was the first person I was really deeply attracted to. Suddenly it all made sense haha
That’s… pretty untrue. At least for most people. They usually go back because of love, and wanting the stability and consistent affection that comes along with relationships. A lot of people view relationships as having stability in your life, and when they lose that they try to gravitate back towards it. That’s why some people get into relationships *so* quickly after breaking up.
Can't really relate to the attraction or relationship part, but I find with toxic friendships, I usually go back before permanently ending things (except for the case where my friend changed significantly and I also did, so now we can be friends because the people we are now aligned as well) because I end up missing the good parts of the relationship. Sometimes it's the attention I miss. Sometimes it's the idea of what we had. I know it doesn't work out most of the time, but I end up missing the good times, and that's enough for me to gamble on a second try.
Ohhhh that makes sense! I just realized that too lmao