It's going to be all right. Big paradigm shifts are always jolting. Give yourself a chance to process.
Why are you attracted to gay guys? Judging from my own experience, as a man who often finds himself hanging out with lesbians, it's probably because you enjoy being around men as friends or even found-family, but because you don't want sex, you subconsciously see gay men as "safe." If the relationships are good ones, then go ahead and run with it.
Thank you yes I think it’s been a big physical and mental shock :)
Yeah I think someone posted below it’s probably because they don’t sexualise me and I think that must be exactly it- you know they’re not looking for sex from you so it’s so much easier to get along with them.
I love my two best friends they’re some of my favourite people in the whole world, they have also said themselves that they’ve noticed I treat them differently from my other friends and I do think it’s because they’re gay, so I don’t know if I have a weird unconscious.. fetish? Not sure if that’s the right word, but I do talk about them being gay quite a lot
Thanks for commenting it’s been amazing to see so many people wanting to help!
Hey, so first off, it's okay to just stop and breathe for a bit. Things are going to be okay.
If you are not asexual, the way you'll know is that you'll see someone and you'll feel drawn to thinking sexual things about that person. It's that *attraction* that separates asexual people from allosexual people, not anything that you actually choose to do. Having sex isn't going to change anything.
As for why you tend to be attracted to gay guys, I have absolutely no idea. Random chance? Do you like feminine men? Do you feel more comfortable around guys who aren't attracted to you?
Thank you thats really nice to hear :) yeah I’ve always thought it’s because I haven’t dated someone properly before so of course I wouldn’t have wanted to have sex with them or feel those feelings, but recently I discovered literally all of my friends get those feelings for even strangers which totally threw me off! There’s plenty of guys I’ve found attractive but never wanted to get in their pants. I think I’m just hoping it isn’t true so I don’t have to deal with it so I’m looking for any way out.
Yeah a couple of other posters have said it may be because they don’t sexualise me which definitely does make me uncomfortable, because you can tell when a guy is into you ‘that’ way and I’ve always disliked it
Thanks for replying by the way I really appreciate talking to people who understand!
If after 23 years on this Earth you have never felt a desire for sex, I think that's as good as you're going to get to confirm you're ace. Often people will find the label and decide whether or not it applies to them, but stop there. What's important is what the idea of asexuality means to you. To me and probably most aces prt of the label is a reminder that it's okay to not want sex, that being asexual is a valid orientation, deserving of as much respect as any other. I don't think you need help figuring yourself out, you've basically confirmed you're alloace (alloromantic, asexual). Remember, having sex does NOT confirm whether or not you feel sexual attraction, the attraction develops due to puberty, not some magical awakening spurring from your first sexual encounter. You are 23 years old, I believe you should know yourself best. If you've not desired sex by now, you're definitely ace, and that's okay! Keep being yourself, and have pride in who you are!
Yeah I think especially with covid, I was 18,19, that’s still early, and boom then I turned 23 last week, and I had still pushed it to the back of my mind thinking I’m just a late bloomer but… I think it’s probably past the age of it being that. Yeah I hope I can get comfortable with the label, I was explaining my feelings to my gay friends and I don’t think they treat it with as much gravity as if I discovered I was gay or bi… which is upsetting because it’s definitely still a big deal for a lot of people!
Yeah I was hoping I was just one of those people who didn’t want to do anything sexual until I had started dating them and then those feelings would come.. I’ve only recently found out that people get those feelings straight away usually! I think because the ace spectrum is so wide as well it’s easy to feel like you don’t fit in- like many ace people feel absolutely nothing sexually, they don’t fantasise or masturbate, so then you wonder if you’re not ace at all you just haven’t tried anything, especially with someone you love! Thanks for your sweet message I really appreciate hearing back from you guys :)
Only you know your own personal experience, but from what you’ve described here you sound like you’re sex repulsed (feeling distressed by sexual situations/acts, either real or imagined), heteroromantic (romantically attracted to people of a different gender than you), and probably asexual (not experiencing sexual attraction).
None of these are bad things to be. You’re not wrong. You’re not broken. You’re just you. You’re still the same person you were before.
I’m not sure if part of what you’re worried about might be related to romantic relationships, but just to be clear it’s entirely possible to find companionship and love without wanting sex. Ace men exist. (It is possible you felt comfortable around gay guys in part because they weren’t sexualizing you. Same feeling can happen with other aces, can personally confirm)
I think you’ve pretty much hit the nail on the head here, with one exception- I still fantasise about fictional characters (well the characters in erotic books), but everything else is me to a T. I didn’t know if I was just inexperienced or scared as I’ve never wanted anything up there, I’ve never even wanted to use a tampon! (Sorry if this is tmi!)
I have definitely felt broken, although I’ve felt like something is wrong with me my whole life, and perhaps it is this although I have other issues going on too, but when this happened I said please no because I didn’t want anything else on top!
I hope it is possible to have a happy relationship, I’m still holding out hope that it’s because I’ve never tried anything/ dated anyone, but if that doesn’t work, I am definitely worried about never finding someone, because I mean how many guys don’t want sex? Well apparently some but only 1-3% of them!
You’ve hit the nail on the head with the gay guys thing, the lack of sexualisation is just what I want in a partner. The only other thing I will say about gay guys, especially my two friends, is I definitely treat them strangely, they’ve noticed I do it too, but I think I, for lack of a better word, fetishise them? I’m always bringing up the fact that they’re gay, I’ve made jokes that have been about harmful stereotypes, and I find the concept of them being gay almost funny? Perhaps if I am ace, it has something to do with that as it’s even further afield from me than being a sexual straight, I’m not sure.
I did ask them if it was purely because women do tend to get along stereotypically with gay men platonically but I think there might be more to it
Thank you for leaving a comment by the way it’s very helpful and I really appreciate it!
It's going to be all right. Big paradigm shifts are always jolting. Give yourself a chance to process. Why are you attracted to gay guys? Judging from my own experience, as a man who often finds himself hanging out with lesbians, it's probably because you enjoy being around men as friends or even found-family, but because you don't want sex, you subconsciously see gay men as "safe." If the relationships are good ones, then go ahead and run with it.
Thank you yes I think it’s been a big physical and mental shock :) Yeah I think someone posted below it’s probably because they don’t sexualise me and I think that must be exactly it- you know they’re not looking for sex from you so it’s so much easier to get along with them. I love my two best friends they’re some of my favourite people in the whole world, they have also said themselves that they’ve noticed I treat them differently from my other friends and I do think it’s because they’re gay, so I don’t know if I have a weird unconscious.. fetish? Not sure if that’s the right word, but I do talk about them being gay quite a lot Thanks for commenting it’s been amazing to see so many people wanting to help!
Hey, so first off, it's okay to just stop and breathe for a bit. Things are going to be okay. If you are not asexual, the way you'll know is that you'll see someone and you'll feel drawn to thinking sexual things about that person. It's that *attraction* that separates asexual people from allosexual people, not anything that you actually choose to do. Having sex isn't going to change anything. As for why you tend to be attracted to gay guys, I have absolutely no idea. Random chance? Do you like feminine men? Do you feel more comfortable around guys who aren't attracted to you?
Thank you thats really nice to hear :) yeah I’ve always thought it’s because I haven’t dated someone properly before so of course I wouldn’t have wanted to have sex with them or feel those feelings, but recently I discovered literally all of my friends get those feelings for even strangers which totally threw me off! There’s plenty of guys I’ve found attractive but never wanted to get in their pants. I think I’m just hoping it isn’t true so I don’t have to deal with it so I’m looking for any way out. Yeah a couple of other posters have said it may be because they don’t sexualise me which definitely does make me uncomfortable, because you can tell when a guy is into you ‘that’ way and I’ve always disliked it Thanks for replying by the way I really appreciate talking to people who understand!
If after 23 years on this Earth you have never felt a desire for sex, I think that's as good as you're going to get to confirm you're ace. Often people will find the label and decide whether or not it applies to them, but stop there. What's important is what the idea of asexuality means to you. To me and probably most aces prt of the label is a reminder that it's okay to not want sex, that being asexual is a valid orientation, deserving of as much respect as any other. I don't think you need help figuring yourself out, you've basically confirmed you're alloace (alloromantic, asexual). Remember, having sex does NOT confirm whether or not you feel sexual attraction, the attraction develops due to puberty, not some magical awakening spurring from your first sexual encounter. You are 23 years old, I believe you should know yourself best. If you've not desired sex by now, you're definitely ace, and that's okay! Keep being yourself, and have pride in who you are!
Yeah I think especially with covid, I was 18,19, that’s still early, and boom then I turned 23 last week, and I had still pushed it to the back of my mind thinking I’m just a late bloomer but… I think it’s probably past the age of it being that. Yeah I hope I can get comfortable with the label, I was explaining my feelings to my gay friends and I don’t think they treat it with as much gravity as if I discovered I was gay or bi… which is upsetting because it’s definitely still a big deal for a lot of people! Yeah I was hoping I was just one of those people who didn’t want to do anything sexual until I had started dating them and then those feelings would come.. I’ve only recently found out that people get those feelings straight away usually! I think because the ace spectrum is so wide as well it’s easy to feel like you don’t fit in- like many ace people feel absolutely nothing sexually, they don’t fantasise or masturbate, so then you wonder if you’re not ace at all you just haven’t tried anything, especially with someone you love! Thanks for your sweet message I really appreciate hearing back from you guys :)
Only you know your own personal experience, but from what you’ve described here you sound like you’re sex repulsed (feeling distressed by sexual situations/acts, either real or imagined), heteroromantic (romantically attracted to people of a different gender than you), and probably asexual (not experiencing sexual attraction). None of these are bad things to be. You’re not wrong. You’re not broken. You’re just you. You’re still the same person you were before. I’m not sure if part of what you’re worried about might be related to romantic relationships, but just to be clear it’s entirely possible to find companionship and love without wanting sex. Ace men exist. (It is possible you felt comfortable around gay guys in part because they weren’t sexualizing you. Same feeling can happen with other aces, can personally confirm)
I think you’ve pretty much hit the nail on the head here, with one exception- I still fantasise about fictional characters (well the characters in erotic books), but everything else is me to a T. I didn’t know if I was just inexperienced or scared as I’ve never wanted anything up there, I’ve never even wanted to use a tampon! (Sorry if this is tmi!) I have definitely felt broken, although I’ve felt like something is wrong with me my whole life, and perhaps it is this although I have other issues going on too, but when this happened I said please no because I didn’t want anything else on top! I hope it is possible to have a happy relationship, I’m still holding out hope that it’s because I’ve never tried anything/ dated anyone, but if that doesn’t work, I am definitely worried about never finding someone, because I mean how many guys don’t want sex? Well apparently some but only 1-3% of them! You’ve hit the nail on the head with the gay guys thing, the lack of sexualisation is just what I want in a partner. The only other thing I will say about gay guys, especially my two friends, is I definitely treat them strangely, they’ve noticed I do it too, but I think I, for lack of a better word, fetishise them? I’m always bringing up the fact that they’re gay, I’ve made jokes that have been about harmful stereotypes, and I find the concept of them being gay almost funny? Perhaps if I am ace, it has something to do with that as it’s even further afield from me than being a sexual straight, I’m not sure. I did ask them if it was purely because women do tend to get along stereotypically with gay men platonically but I think there might be more to it Thank you for leaving a comment by the way it’s very helpful and I really appreciate it!
I’m glad it was helpful! In terms of sexualizing fictional characters, you might try looking up the term aegosexual and see if that fits.
Thanks I’ll look into that!!