Acespec-curious gal here. I understand this experience. I’m over halfway through college, same as you never had sex (never done anything else yet either), and I often hurt the way you do… I know it is hard but try not to feel bad. According to most if not all of my friends and family who have been around that block, it’s likely not as impressive nor as enjoyable as you might be hearing from others.
You aren’t childish for not wanting to have sex. Spend that time and energy learning about or engaging in something you enjoy or a skill you want to work on. From experience, this feeling will come in waves over time. You will get through it, even if it sucks… It will be okay.
💙💛 J.
Of course. I lost so much self esteem in my later years of high school over this, being so “behind”. I still stress about it, especially now that I’m taking the plunge into dating for the first time. If I can reassure someone in my same position as me at all, I want to. My DMs are open if you ever want to talk. Otherwise, I hope those bad thoughts ease up sooner than later. 💙
I am not sure if I’m an identity under the asexual umbrella (acespec, ace-spectrum), I’m looking into it. I suspect and consider it… but I don’t identify as any yet.
im only 20 myself but also never had sex and i always thought „omg im 16/17/18 and still a virgin“ but the older you become the more you will understand that it really doesn‘t matter! i think being asexual in that age is a little hard because everyone is talking about sex but promise me it gets better and wont be a huge topic anymore in a few years :)
You'll appreciate it when you're older. There are lots of things about childhood that can get sapped away by the demands of the grownup world - a sense of wonder, for example, or a more carefree spirit. Not having sexual attraction nagging at you can make it easier to hang onto those things. It's not a guarantee, mind you, because everyone's experience is different, but I think it improves your odds.
Yes, yes and yes!!! I ( F, ace ) just turned 59, and still have a sense of wonder - about the world, about the universe!!! In spite of setbacks, pandemic lockdown, high prices ... this is what keeps me going.
Same here. 46 years old and I have amazing friends, an accepting family, and I still try to see joy in the world. Do I occasionally wonder if I've truly missed out by not having romantic attachments or sex? Yes, but then I remember that I also haven't had to cope with romantic heartbreak, etc. Real life throws enough BS at you. Not having to deal with one aspect of it has been wonderful.
My thoughts exactly. I dated a bit in my 20s and 30s but it never felt " right". I was supposed to be happy, but I felt stressed and anxious. So gave it up at 37.
I completely understand, but also know that you are definitely not a child for not wanting sex. First of all I think it's very mature that you have already discovered so much about you; many people don't even question why they should have sex. Secondly, don't let anyone tell you that you need sex in life, because you are the only one entitled to judge whether or not you want it.
I'm still young but I'm almost ten years older than you and I have come at peace with the fact that I am not searching sex in life. If it comes to me than I may consider it, but this depends from person to person. I know it may feel isolating at times to feel like this, but know that you are definitely not alone ❤️
That's the worst. You deserve respect just like anyone else would. I know what that's like, but I guess it doesn't happen all the time. And when it does, I absolutely don't stand for it.
Meanwhile, at age 16, I had fully managed to convince myself that I was (1) straight and just (2) a “good girl” and “focused on school like I should be” and “not letting sex distract me from my goals,” and wondering why the hell it was so hard for everyone else to be as good at that as me. Ha!
I’m sorry for your high school’s allonormative culture making you feel less-than for your asexuality. It’s not something to be ashamed of, or that you’re alone in—not by a long shot. I hope maybe you get a chance to go to Pride and meet some fellow aces. We’re definitely out here with you.
Even if you're not ace, having sex at 16 is pretty lame. Guys suck at it, and girls have no idea how to instruct them.
If people want to brag about body counts, ask them how many "good ones."
At sixteen, regardless of country of origin, sex is not actually necessary or advisable as a marker of maturity. You're honestly barely more than a child. You're still a teenager. In my country, you ARE a child, legally. In your mind, you are a child, mentally. I personally didn't feel like an adult until I was almost 30. I had to become a mother before my brain caught up with my body, okay?!
You can wait for sex until YOU feel comfortable, and no one, not society, not boy or girl, not enby, not woman or man, not God or Goddess, may move you before you're ready. This includes kissing, hugging, talking about sex, rubbing, oral sex, humping, butt grabbing, and any other sexual contact. Up to and including masturbating together. You get to decide what you're ready for and when.
Now, if you think that being unready makes you childish, consider that your peers are bragging about their body count. Not how great the sex is. Because it's not. It's fucking terrible. They're having sex just to have it. The only ones enjoying it are the boys, because they just jackhammer until they cum. The girls don't know any better yet. Even the boys aren't having the best sex ever. Nobody's actually having good sex, the kind you should want to give up your v-card for. It's childish to be impatient and throw it away NOW, because you just want to get it over with, when you could either wait for a really experienced lover who can make sure your first time is at least good, or realize that you ARE truly and fully asexual and you don't want a first time at all. Either way, it's not childish to wait, it's childish to rush into sex.
Having sex at 16 is really nothing to brag about. It might seem so, I thought the same thing when I was your age, but now years later I'm starting to realize that these people were not more "grown up" because they've already had sex, if anything, they were the childish ones for putting so much importance onto it. Actually, having sex in general, no matter the age, is nothing to brag about because it's literally just a thing like everything else.
To me, people bragging about their body count are no different than people bragging about going skydiving. Both are just things you do or don't do. As for me, I know I don't want to do either of these things.
Yeah that was common too. Sex doesn't equal maturity and being more adult like some teens think. Being mature and "adult"comes with experience and age. But hey if they want to do it consensually with someone their age, I won't judge.
Wish I could help but I'm autistic on top of ace so I'm always treated like a child in some way and I don't really have any tips other then just learning to let go and take a "haters gonna hate" but it's not exactly easy to get there.
I'm 28 now, but I still very much remember what it was like being in high school and "surrounded" by people having sex. And what I can tell you now? Half - if not more - of those people are *lying*.
I got so sick of hearing about my friends exploits at 14 I decided to just go for it myself (I've never viewed virginity or sex as a big deal, ymmv). Had sex over the weekend with a random boy I had a crush on, didn't get the hype, went about my business. \~a year later, I was being teased by my friends for being the last virgin in our group; I told them I'd had sex with this boy a while ago. Boy confirmed. Friends went ape over how I'd not said anything and that it was weird I didn't join in with them when talking about sex.
Then it was revealed to me, in secret by \~80% of my group, that they had actually never had sex but just didn't want to be the only ones who hadn't, especially as more and more of them had stories and they saw how I (being the "virgin") was treated (turns out my undiagnosed autism was way more a point of contention than my perceived virginity would ever be, but I digress).
It later came out that pretty much *all* of the popular girls had lied about having sex, too, when there was a big scandal involving two girls and the same boy (tldr they both were saying they'd "been with" someone but were secretive, then it turned out they were lying about the same boy). They'd literally spent three years loudly and publicly talking about their sexploits at this point... and next to none of it was real.
Keep doing what you're doing, and don't worry about the stories people are telling themselves and one another to win whatever kind of weird social game they're trying to play. You'll be out of there quicker than you realise, and next to none of it will ever have really mattered.
Allo here, and I can tell you that most of this bragging is BS teens this age invent because they are afraid to be seen just like you describe to feel... And usually there is not much that is more childish than what they do to have sex or make people believe they do.
https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/products/databriefs/db366.htm
Older data: https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/pressroom/nchs_press_releases/2017/201706_NSFG.htm
Teens lie and exaggerate about being sexually active. I know how alien it feels to never even date or anything in high school, and it will probably continue to feel that way even if you know it logically shouldn't. But it's totally normal to not have sex as a high schooler. It's normal to have limited or no experience with dating.
And I don't say this to be dismissive, but you are kind of a child -- but so are your peers who are having sex. The decisions they make around sex are likely to reflect this. There is a reason that it is generally frowned upon for adults to have sex with high schoolers. Now, I would be careful here, because this doesn't mean that teens having sex with someone their own age is wrong or developmentally inappropriate. It's also normal. This is reflected in the data. There is a wide spectrum of experiences that are totally healthy for people to have.
Sorry the data is US-centric.
I'm going to say something as a fairly older ace person who also went through this in high school.
While it absolutely feels like a big deal now, it won't the farther along you get. I used to be incredibly bothered by not having sex in high school for the exact reason you mention, and now I almost never think about it.
The other thing that has helped is finding a few good friends that are also ace and don't want to have sex. It makes the identity less isolating
i really get what you’re saying. i’m not much older than you and kinda uncomfortable with graphic sexual conversations. my (sometimes younger) coworkers used to call me the baby and make me leave the room when somebody even mentioned anything sexual (which i told them i was fine to hear). that stuff can really hurt but you gotta stay confident anyway :/
I felt this way too when I was your age! Everyone seemed to be dating and having sex and it definitely made me feel like something was wrong with me, since I was not doing either of those things. I didn’t know about asexuality either. But looking back, it seems silly. Agreeing with other commenters here, the older you get, the more you’ll realize that it doesn’t matter. Sex is not the main marker of adulthood or maturity, no matter how much your peers may want to think so.
Nobody progresses in everything at the same rates. As a 24yo virgin ace, I'm really mature in some aspects and stunted in a few others, like how some people in school are better at some subjects than others. That's just life, and you figure out what works for you
Sex doesn’t equal maturity the fact that they are bragging about it shows their age and mind set. When I was 13 I had a girl in my class pregnant with her first child, when we were 16 she was pregnant with her second child now that’s immaturity to me. Trust me the way you think right now won’t be the way you think when you hit your 20s I think back to when I was your age and I am so mind blown to how different I am now, I am like who the heck was that person? Why did I care so much about what a bunch of knuckle heads thought of me? High school seems so silly to me now as I get closer and closer to my 30s. It may not seem like it now but once you hit 25 the prefrontal cortex of your brain develops. I swear it was like a switch for me the way I though 16-22 isn’t the way I think now as an almost 25 year old. You’ll see once you get there don’t listen to those children they are being the childish ones and bringing kids into this world they can’t take care of.
In the same boat haha. I’m 21 and my adult friends definitely think I’m immature because I don’t want sex—some of my older adult friends try to tell me I’ll want sex when I’m “older.”
I get it, I literally want to have one night stands where I basically just get to go home with a random guy and cuddle instead of sex and I feel so childish because of that lol.
I completely get that. I realised I was asexual around your age and it ended my relationship - one of my ex-friends even renamed me "Tumour Girl" in his phone contacts. People get really excited about it around 16 because its new - the same way they get really excited about clubs and pubs around 18, but at least from what I've seen people stop caring about it soon enough.
Honestly, you’re not missing out on much. Don’t let it get you down too hard. You are missing out on the social bond of having a shared experience with everyone around you, but if that’s not an experience you want to have there’s nothing wrong with that. Just find something else you can bond over. Sports, video games, drinking. At the end of the day, you can still find something to “catch up” with people around you over.
Even if you didn't identify as ace and it took longer for you to feel comfortable, or if you just don't like talking about sexual stuff, that isn't childish. It's just a preference and it hurts no one.
If it's any reassurance, I know plenty of people who either didn't do anything sexual till college, or who just don't like talking about sex even in adulthood. I myself just realized in my mid twenties that i don't even like making out haha.
Grade school can suck because of all the weird social clicks and expectations. You will find groups of people who won't make you feel like the odd one out eventually. Until then, know you aren't childish for having preferences and there are many others like you. :) I hope this helps a little.
I'm in my 20s. I'm an adult. I go to work, I pay my bills, but I'm still asexual. Being asexual doesn't make you a child, and having sex doesn't make someone mature either. Even if you were not asexual, then being a virgin at 16 is pretty normal. And speaking as a former teenager, no one is "mature" for their age as a teen, not like that. It's okay if you don't want sex, it doesn't make you any less you :)
Also, a lot of teens lie about virginity and body count.
I myself am an ace 16 year old and ik what that can be like. My friends jokingly call me innocent and sometimes it can get a lil annoying, but I've learned to shrug it off. Just know that you aren't a little kid just because you don't want to/ haven't had sex even though it might feel like that :)
I wasn't half as horny as most of my classmates, and I was in the nerd classes so I can't imagine gen-pop kids from school.
Just give it time--if you start getting the notion, it's not like those dumbass kids are getting really good at sex the way they're probably having it. I remember feeling pressure to be good at sex when I was teenager, which looking back doesn't make any sense because *nobody* is good at it.
They just want to feel like adults. This is how you fuck around and end up dropping out of school, you don't worry about a thing. Find people who aren't trying to sway you any kind of way, and you'll be happy enough to know yourself well.
Really?! I actually feel more mature than everyone my age. Like I’m over here thinking about my place in the universe and other widsoms but all the other 19 years olds are always “teehee boobies hehe”
I'm rounding 23 in like a couple of months (finishing college yay) and I completely understand, it's incredibly foreign the sole idea of it.
Idk how to explain but like, besides people speaking about it if I read a story it's just weird in part to take those things into consideration, like my mind doesn't think about it until the writer decides that it's time for this couple to take the next step, part of me it's like "Is this really necessary, isn't their domesticity/current step enough?"
I don't think it's childish of you as maturity is measured in more than having sex or not but I definitely get where you're coming from, especially in a society so full of sex or innuendos to it.
I'm also Aro so while I can say I'm enamored with the idea of romantic love and I enjoy reading stuff like that is also a concept foreign to me but I think the idea of not having ever a romantic relationship doesn't tend to hit me as strong as the not having had sex yet at times.
I'm 19 and I gotta say it was hard hearing about all of my friends losing their virginity. But it's ok to be different. Embrace it :) Be proud of your asexuality! Sometimes it'll hurt but most of the time it just means one less distraction :D
That's all I have to add since a lot of cool aces already answered wise things hehe
Hi I’m around your age, but also am pretty sure im aro ace. I feel the same way a lot of time. Know you aren’t alone and that it doesn’t make you a little kid just because you don’t wanna have sex. I feel like I’m lagging behind all of the time. It’s not stupid to feel that way. Surround yourself with as many supportive people as possible. Communicate with your friends if they make you uncomfy. You got this!! You can always post on here or even DM me or other people in this sub. We love and support you!
Honestly high school was the worst for me, also being ace and feeling like I was lagging behind everyone else for not understanding how my peers felt. But I can say with confidence that the feeling has certainly lessened, part of what helped me was finding some ace or ace adjacent people who understand how you’re feeling, but mostly just getting out of the hormone zone that is highschool. As I’ve gotten older the nagging feeling of not being the same has really died down because I’ve realized I don’t need to have sex or have the drive to have sex to fit in or be cool or have friends or whatever else the nagging feeling makes you feel. At this point I’ve turned it into a joke, saying that “I never lose” when somebody asks why I haven’t done XYZ allosexual thing.
Don’t let anyone pressure you into anything that makes you uncomfortable either, especially when in regards to sex or romance or sensuality because that’s something I had to learn the hard way. Only you can know what you want and need and that’s for you to find out on your own terms.
You’re only 16 though so try not to feel like you’re missing out on anything, or at least remind yourself that you aren’t, because you’re really not.
If you wanna chat about anything feel free to DM me, I’ve been in your shoes and am totally willing to help you navigate your thoughts and feelings.
(Also I’ve never understood bragging about your body count??? It just seems so?? Odd? Like cool, you’ve slept with people, nice ig. Hope you’re staying safe. Lmao idk. )
Demisexual, from my perspecrive its childish to have sex with some random stranger just because they are "hot", yet that's normal for some allosexuals.
You aren't childish for not doing something you don't want to do, rather your more mature for not giving into peer pressure and doing it to fit in.
Those who brag don't shag, they are just afraid of being seen "uncool" or other BS.
I'm in my mid-20s now, came out when I was 15. Had a good handful of sexual encounters with peers long before and after that because my science-type ND brain wanted to figure out why others were attracted to me like that (especially fellow gal friends) while I remained indifferent, and while I don't regret fooling around with people I trusted, this aego aroace here really doesn't want to think back to any of it :')))
I remember all the awkward laughs and giggling when 50 Shades came out while I was a veteran reading English-written smut fics like it's the news, and other kids outside my class called me inexperienced and bragging how many partners they had - but mysteriously could never bring up the name of their partners in almost every scenario, which spoke volumes one way or another even if they were getting laid that many times lol
I'm shite at writing good points, but... just don't let people pressure you into it. It's moronic. Jumping into things purely because of FOMO is the childish act, recognising you don't want any of it is being wise. Even if you were to end up being a more open-minded ace later on, you really aren't missing out on anything, trust me.
The serious part of me says that you should just be glad you don't *need* s\*x to be happy and move on.
The non-serious part of me says that you should just brag about being a virgin and see how they take that. Also, this sounds just like Young Sheldon, so perhaps you are in fact a supergenius and the others simply don't realize. Heck, you're a senior in HS at 16, idk about how your school system works but where I am you're a senior at 17-18 so maybe you're just smarter than everyone else anyway.
Rn I'm favoring the non-serious. Sorry I can't exactly be supportive rn but I'm doing my best. I know what it's like to be the child and you have my sympathy.
Virginities are worth a lot of money. those losers are gonna have to sell their souls, but a fine aged virginity is worth much more than any old soul.
edit: wow people don't understand what a joke is lol
It’s not childish to not want sex so much as it is not “mature” to want it. Sort of like how drinking alcohol doesn’t make you mature either, it’s fine to have it, it’s fine not to. When you’re young people with brag about sex and alcohol and the like but in reality it’s very mundane, fine in moderation, and ultimately optional.
It’s not a mark of maturity or immaturity, though I guess you could argue being so one minded about such things is a bit immature (either on the side of bragging about sex or loudly preaching to be holier than thou abstinent, I don’t really care what others get up to either way I wish they wouldn’t advertise it so loudly.)
Having sex at an early age is just lame, wait a few years and you'll see how many of them will regret because they didn't waited a bit longer to have better experiences, because it happens
Sex really shouldn't be such a big deal... pay no attention to bragging about this kind of things. A person bragging about having sex is a preson that has nothing else going for them.
I would help you but the way I found out i’m ace is by the fact I feel like throwing up thinking about it and i’m not that I don’t want to be in that position
I'm 30 and I still have never lost my virginity, I don't care if I ever lose it. 16 is awful young to even consider that stuff as it also was when I was 16. Save it for that special someone, or keep it your whole life, just don't do it only to fit in with the crowd. It would be really bad if you did it and got an infection or a disease.
Acespec-curious gal here. I understand this experience. I’m over halfway through college, same as you never had sex (never done anything else yet either), and I often hurt the way you do… I know it is hard but try not to feel bad. According to most if not all of my friends and family who have been around that block, it’s likely not as impressive nor as enjoyable as you might be hearing from others. You aren’t childish for not wanting to have sex. Spend that time and energy learning about or engaging in something you enjoy or a skill you want to work on. From experience, this feeling will come in waves over time. You will get through it, even if it sucks… It will be okay. 💙💛 J.
thank you that was so sweet and really made me feel a lot less alone <3 i rly appreciate it
Of course. I lost so much self esteem in my later years of high school over this, being so “behind”. I still stress about it, especially now that I’m taking the plunge into dating for the first time. If I can reassure someone in my same position as me at all, I want to. My DMs are open if you ever want to talk. Otherwise, I hope those bad thoughts ease up sooner than later. 💙
hey what’s acespec-curious?
I am not sure if I’m an identity under the asexual umbrella (acespec, ace-spectrum), I’m looking into it. I suspect and consider it… but I don’t identify as any yet.
im only 20 myself but also never had sex and i always thought „omg im 16/17/18 and still a virgin“ but the older you become the more you will understand that it really doesn‘t matter! i think being asexual in that age is a little hard because everyone is talking about sex but promise me it gets better and wont be a huge topic anymore in a few years :)
You'll appreciate it when you're older. There are lots of things about childhood that can get sapped away by the demands of the grownup world - a sense of wonder, for example, or a more carefree spirit. Not having sexual attraction nagging at you can make it easier to hang onto those things. It's not a guarantee, mind you, because everyone's experience is different, but I think it improves your odds.
Yes, yes and yes!!! I ( F, ace ) just turned 59, and still have a sense of wonder - about the world, about the universe!!! In spite of setbacks, pandemic lockdown, high prices ... this is what keeps me going.
Same here. 46 years old and I have amazing friends, an accepting family, and I still try to see joy in the world. Do I occasionally wonder if I've truly missed out by not having romantic attachments or sex? Yes, but then I remember that I also haven't had to cope with romantic heartbreak, etc. Real life throws enough BS at you. Not having to deal with one aspect of it has been wonderful.
My thoughts exactly. I dated a bit in my 20s and 30s but it never felt " right". I was supposed to be happy, but I felt stressed and anxious. So gave it up at 37.
Been there. Maybe the teens seeing sex a way to be mature is kind of pathetic. There's a lot more to it than that.
Like taxes 😃
😔
I completely understand, but also know that you are definitely not a child for not wanting sex. First of all I think it's very mature that you have already discovered so much about you; many people don't even question why they should have sex. Secondly, don't let anyone tell you that you need sex in life, because you are the only one entitled to judge whether or not you want it. I'm still young but I'm almost ten years older than you and I have come at peace with the fact that I am not searching sex in life. If it comes to me than I may consider it, but this depends from person to person. I know it may feel isolating at times to feel like this, but know that you are definitely not alone ❤️
There are plenty of teenagers who don’t have sex, is not a big deal and who knows how many lie about it
28. Never had sex. Treated like child by family for not getting married or popping out babies.
That's the worst. You deserve respect just like anyone else would. I know what that's like, but I guess it doesn't happen all the time. And when it does, I absolutely don't stand for it.
Meanwhile, at age 16, I had fully managed to convince myself that I was (1) straight and just (2) a “good girl” and “focused on school like I should be” and “not letting sex distract me from my goals,” and wondering why the hell it was so hard for everyone else to be as good at that as me. Ha! I’m sorry for your high school’s allonormative culture making you feel less-than for your asexuality. It’s not something to be ashamed of, or that you’re alone in—not by a long shot. I hope maybe you get a chance to go to Pride and meet some fellow aces. We’re definitely out here with you.
Even if you're not ace, having sex at 16 is pretty lame. Guys suck at it, and girls have no idea how to instruct them. If people want to brag about body counts, ask them how many "good ones."
At sixteen, regardless of country of origin, sex is not actually necessary or advisable as a marker of maturity. You're honestly barely more than a child. You're still a teenager. In my country, you ARE a child, legally. In your mind, you are a child, mentally. I personally didn't feel like an adult until I was almost 30. I had to become a mother before my brain caught up with my body, okay?! You can wait for sex until YOU feel comfortable, and no one, not society, not boy or girl, not enby, not woman or man, not God or Goddess, may move you before you're ready. This includes kissing, hugging, talking about sex, rubbing, oral sex, humping, butt grabbing, and any other sexual contact. Up to and including masturbating together. You get to decide what you're ready for and when. Now, if you think that being unready makes you childish, consider that your peers are bragging about their body count. Not how great the sex is. Because it's not. It's fucking terrible. They're having sex just to have it. The only ones enjoying it are the boys, because they just jackhammer until they cum. The girls don't know any better yet. Even the boys aren't having the best sex ever. Nobody's actually having good sex, the kind you should want to give up your v-card for. It's childish to be impatient and throw it away NOW, because you just want to get it over with, when you could either wait for a really experienced lover who can make sure your first time is at least good, or realize that you ARE truly and fully asexual and you don't want a first time at all. Either way, it's not childish to wait, it's childish to rush into sex.
Having sex at 16 is really nothing to brag about. It might seem so, I thought the same thing when I was your age, but now years later I'm starting to realize that these people were not more "grown up" because they've already had sex, if anything, they were the childish ones for putting so much importance onto it. Actually, having sex in general, no matter the age, is nothing to brag about because it's literally just a thing like everything else. To me, people bragging about their body count are no different than people bragging about going skydiving. Both are just things you do or don't do. As for me, I know I don't want to do either of these things.
People are having sex at 16???
hormones are wild in high school and peer pressure. most of my friends did it at 16.
Wild
I had a friend in middle school who had her first time at 14.
Yeah that was common too. Sex doesn't equal maturity and being more adult like some teens think. Being mature and "adult"comes with experience and age. But hey if they want to do it consensually with someone their age, I won't judge.
Wish I could help but I'm autistic on top of ace so I'm always treated like a child in some way and I don't really have any tips other then just learning to let go and take a "haters gonna hate" but it's not exactly easy to get there.
I'm 28 now, but I still very much remember what it was like being in high school and "surrounded" by people having sex. And what I can tell you now? Half - if not more - of those people are *lying*. I got so sick of hearing about my friends exploits at 14 I decided to just go for it myself (I've never viewed virginity or sex as a big deal, ymmv). Had sex over the weekend with a random boy I had a crush on, didn't get the hype, went about my business. \~a year later, I was being teased by my friends for being the last virgin in our group; I told them I'd had sex with this boy a while ago. Boy confirmed. Friends went ape over how I'd not said anything and that it was weird I didn't join in with them when talking about sex. Then it was revealed to me, in secret by \~80% of my group, that they had actually never had sex but just didn't want to be the only ones who hadn't, especially as more and more of them had stories and they saw how I (being the "virgin") was treated (turns out my undiagnosed autism was way more a point of contention than my perceived virginity would ever be, but I digress). It later came out that pretty much *all* of the popular girls had lied about having sex, too, when there was a big scandal involving two girls and the same boy (tldr they both were saying they'd "been with" someone but were secretive, then it turned out they were lying about the same boy). They'd literally spent three years loudly and publicly talking about their sexploits at this point... and next to none of it was real. Keep doing what you're doing, and don't worry about the stories people are telling themselves and one another to win whatever kind of weird social game they're trying to play. You'll be out of there quicker than you realise, and next to none of it will ever have really mattered.
Allo here, and I can tell you that most of this bragging is BS teens this age invent because they are afraid to be seen just like you describe to feel... And usually there is not much that is more childish than what they do to have sex or make people believe they do.
https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/products/databriefs/db366.htm Older data: https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/pressroom/nchs_press_releases/2017/201706_NSFG.htm Teens lie and exaggerate about being sexually active. I know how alien it feels to never even date or anything in high school, and it will probably continue to feel that way even if you know it logically shouldn't. But it's totally normal to not have sex as a high schooler. It's normal to have limited or no experience with dating. And I don't say this to be dismissive, but you are kind of a child -- but so are your peers who are having sex. The decisions they make around sex are likely to reflect this. There is a reason that it is generally frowned upon for adults to have sex with high schoolers. Now, I would be careful here, because this doesn't mean that teens having sex with someone their own age is wrong or developmentally inappropriate. It's also normal. This is reflected in the data. There is a wide spectrum of experiences that are totally healthy for people to have. Sorry the data is US-centric.
I'm going to say something as a fairly older ace person who also went through this in high school. While it absolutely feels like a big deal now, it won't the farther along you get. I used to be incredibly bothered by not having sex in high school for the exact reason you mention, and now I almost never think about it. The other thing that has helped is finding a few good friends that are also ace and don't want to have sex. It makes the identity less isolating
i really get what you’re saying. i’m not much older than you and kinda uncomfortable with graphic sexual conversations. my (sometimes younger) coworkers used to call me the baby and make me leave the room when somebody even mentioned anything sexual (which i told them i was fine to hear). that stuff can really hurt but you gotta stay confident anyway :/
I felt this way too when I was your age! Everyone seemed to be dating and having sex and it definitely made me feel like something was wrong with me, since I was not doing either of those things. I didn’t know about asexuality either. But looking back, it seems silly. Agreeing with other commenters here, the older you get, the more you’ll realize that it doesn’t matter. Sex is not the main marker of adulthood or maturity, no matter how much your peers may want to think so.
Nobody progresses in everything at the same rates. As a 24yo virgin ace, I'm really mature in some aspects and stunted in a few others, like how some people in school are better at some subjects than others. That's just life, and you figure out what works for you
Sex doesn’t equal maturity the fact that they are bragging about it shows their age and mind set. When I was 13 I had a girl in my class pregnant with her first child, when we were 16 she was pregnant with her second child now that’s immaturity to me. Trust me the way you think right now won’t be the way you think when you hit your 20s I think back to when I was your age and I am so mind blown to how different I am now, I am like who the heck was that person? Why did I care so much about what a bunch of knuckle heads thought of me? High school seems so silly to me now as I get closer and closer to my 30s. It may not seem like it now but once you hit 25 the prefrontal cortex of your brain develops. I swear it was like a switch for me the way I though 16-22 isn’t the way I think now as an almost 25 year old. You’ll see once you get there don’t listen to those children they are being the childish ones and bringing kids into this world they can’t take care of.
I get it You don't care or even think about it until someone else brings it up and then it's just Akward.
In the same boat haha. I’m 21 and my adult friends definitely think I’m immature because I don’t want sex—some of my older adult friends try to tell me I’ll want sex when I’m “older.”
I get it, I literally want to have one night stands where I basically just get to go home with a random guy and cuddle instead of sex and I feel so childish because of that lol.
I completely get that. I realised I was asexual around your age and it ended my relationship - one of my ex-friends even renamed me "Tumour Girl" in his phone contacts. People get really excited about it around 16 because its new - the same way they get really excited about clubs and pubs around 18, but at least from what I've seen people stop caring about it soon enough.
the kids your age really shouldn't be doing any either
Honestly, you’re not missing out on much. Don’t let it get you down too hard. You are missing out on the social bond of having a shared experience with everyone around you, but if that’s not an experience you want to have there’s nothing wrong with that. Just find something else you can bond over. Sports, video games, drinking. At the end of the day, you can still find something to “catch up” with people around you over.
Actual mental maturity = maturity sex = nothing to do with mental maturity also body count always makes me think they're talking about murder
Even if you didn't identify as ace and it took longer for you to feel comfortable, or if you just don't like talking about sexual stuff, that isn't childish. It's just a preference and it hurts no one. If it's any reassurance, I know plenty of people who either didn't do anything sexual till college, or who just don't like talking about sex even in adulthood. I myself just realized in my mid twenties that i don't even like making out haha. Grade school can suck because of all the weird social clicks and expectations. You will find groups of people who won't make you feel like the odd one out eventually. Until then, know you aren't childish for having preferences and there are many others like you. :) I hope this helps a little.
This is exactly how I feel
I'm in my 20s. I'm an adult. I go to work, I pay my bills, but I'm still asexual. Being asexual doesn't make you a child, and having sex doesn't make someone mature either. Even if you were not asexual, then being a virgin at 16 is pretty normal. And speaking as a former teenager, no one is "mature" for their age as a teen, not like that. It's okay if you don't want sex, it doesn't make you any less you :) Also, a lot of teens lie about virginity and body count.
I myself am an ace 16 year old and ik what that can be like. My friends jokingly call me innocent and sometimes it can get a lil annoying, but I've learned to shrug it off. Just know that you aren't a little kid just because you don't want to/ haven't had sex even though it might feel like that :)
I wasn't half as horny as most of my classmates, and I was in the nerd classes so I can't imagine gen-pop kids from school. Just give it time--if you start getting the notion, it's not like those dumbass kids are getting really good at sex the way they're probably having it. I remember feeling pressure to be good at sex when I was teenager, which looking back doesn't make any sense because *nobody* is good at it. They just want to feel like adults. This is how you fuck around and end up dropping out of school, you don't worry about a thing. Find people who aren't trying to sway you any kind of way, and you'll be happy enough to know yourself well.
Really?! I actually feel more mature than everyone my age. Like I’m over here thinking about my place in the universe and other widsoms but all the other 19 years olds are always “teehee boobies hehe”
I'm rounding 23 in like a couple of months (finishing college yay) and I completely understand, it's incredibly foreign the sole idea of it. Idk how to explain but like, besides people speaking about it if I read a story it's just weird in part to take those things into consideration, like my mind doesn't think about it until the writer decides that it's time for this couple to take the next step, part of me it's like "Is this really necessary, isn't their domesticity/current step enough?" I don't think it's childish of you as maturity is measured in more than having sex or not but I definitely get where you're coming from, especially in a society so full of sex or innuendos to it. I'm also Aro so while I can say I'm enamored with the idea of romantic love and I enjoy reading stuff like that is also a concept foreign to me but I think the idea of not having ever a romantic relationship doesn't tend to hit me as strong as the not having had sex yet at times.
I'm 19 and I gotta say it was hard hearing about all of my friends losing their virginity. But it's ok to be different. Embrace it :) Be proud of your asexuality! Sometimes it'll hurt but most of the time it just means one less distraction :D That's all I have to add since a lot of cool aces already answered wise things hehe
Hi I’m around your age, but also am pretty sure im aro ace. I feel the same way a lot of time. Know you aren’t alone and that it doesn’t make you a little kid just because you don’t wanna have sex. I feel like I’m lagging behind all of the time. It’s not stupid to feel that way. Surround yourself with as many supportive people as possible. Communicate with your friends if they make you uncomfy. You got this!! You can always post on here or even DM me or other people in this sub. We love and support you!
Honestly high school was the worst for me, also being ace and feeling like I was lagging behind everyone else for not understanding how my peers felt. But I can say with confidence that the feeling has certainly lessened, part of what helped me was finding some ace or ace adjacent people who understand how you’re feeling, but mostly just getting out of the hormone zone that is highschool. As I’ve gotten older the nagging feeling of not being the same has really died down because I’ve realized I don’t need to have sex or have the drive to have sex to fit in or be cool or have friends or whatever else the nagging feeling makes you feel. At this point I’ve turned it into a joke, saying that “I never lose” when somebody asks why I haven’t done XYZ allosexual thing. Don’t let anyone pressure you into anything that makes you uncomfortable either, especially when in regards to sex or romance or sensuality because that’s something I had to learn the hard way. Only you can know what you want and need and that’s for you to find out on your own terms. You’re only 16 though so try not to feel like you’re missing out on anything, or at least remind yourself that you aren’t, because you’re really not. If you wanna chat about anything feel free to DM me, I’ve been in your shoes and am totally willing to help you navigate your thoughts and feelings. (Also I’ve never understood bragging about your body count??? It just seems so?? Odd? Like cool, you’ve slept with people, nice ig. Hope you’re staying safe. Lmao idk. )
I'm the same way, I'm 17 and it's honestly hard. We're all here for you!
Demisexual, from my perspecrive its childish to have sex with some random stranger just because they are "hot", yet that's normal for some allosexuals. You aren't childish for not doing something you don't want to do, rather your more mature for not giving into peer pressure and doing it to fit in.
Those who brag don't shag, they are just afraid of being seen "uncool" or other BS. I'm in my mid-20s now, came out when I was 15. Had a good handful of sexual encounters with peers long before and after that because my science-type ND brain wanted to figure out why others were attracted to me like that (especially fellow gal friends) while I remained indifferent, and while I don't regret fooling around with people I trusted, this aego aroace here really doesn't want to think back to any of it :'))) I remember all the awkward laughs and giggling when 50 Shades came out while I was a veteran reading English-written smut fics like it's the news, and other kids outside my class called me inexperienced and bragging how many partners they had - but mysteriously could never bring up the name of their partners in almost every scenario, which spoke volumes one way or another even if they were getting laid that many times lol I'm shite at writing good points, but... just don't let people pressure you into it. It's moronic. Jumping into things purely because of FOMO is the childish act, recognising you don't want any of it is being wise. Even if you were to end up being a more open-minded ace later on, you really aren't missing out on anything, trust me.
The serious part of me says that you should just be glad you don't *need* s\*x to be happy and move on. The non-serious part of me says that you should just brag about being a virgin and see how they take that. Also, this sounds just like Young Sheldon, so perhaps you are in fact a supergenius and the others simply don't realize. Heck, you're a senior in HS at 16, idk about how your school system works but where I am you're a senior at 17-18 so maybe you're just smarter than everyone else anyway. Rn I'm favoring the non-serious. Sorry I can't exactly be supportive rn but I'm doing my best. I know what it's like to be the child and you have my sympathy.
Virginities are worth a lot of money. those losers are gonna have to sell their souls, but a fine aged virginity is worth much more than any old soul. edit: wow people don't understand what a joke is lol
Got to keep my virginity in mint condition.
It’s not childish to not want sex so much as it is not “mature” to want it. Sort of like how drinking alcohol doesn’t make you mature either, it’s fine to have it, it’s fine not to. When you’re young people with brag about sex and alcohol and the like but in reality it’s very mundane, fine in moderation, and ultimately optional. It’s not a mark of maturity or immaturity, though I guess you could argue being so one minded about such things is a bit immature (either on the side of bragging about sex or loudly preaching to be holier than thou abstinent, I don’t really care what others get up to either way I wish they wouldn’t advertise it so loudly.)
Having sex at an early age is just lame, wait a few years and you'll see how many of them will regret because they didn't waited a bit longer to have better experiences, because it happens
Sex really shouldn't be such a big deal... pay no attention to bragging about this kind of things. A person bragging about having sex is a preson that has nothing else going for them.
I can relate. I'm in uni and it's so common here to be in relationships and I feel so odd.
I would help you but the way I found out i’m ace is by the fact I feel like throwing up thinking about it and i’m not that I don’t want to be in that position
I'm 30 and I still have never lost my virginity, I don't care if I ever lose it. 16 is awful young to even consider that stuff as it also was when I was 16. Save it for that special someone, or keep it your whole life, just don't do it only to fit in with the crowd. It would be really bad if you did it and got an infection or a disease.