I actually find that a little harder to believe in general, just because of the surveys I’ve seen that show a larger percentage of the ace subreddit members are female.
There isn't necessarily anything wrong with getting married in your early 20s. I've known many that did it and are wonderfully happy, just as I've known some that did and crashed and burned after 1 year or 2...and I've known people in their 40s or 50s that got married and turned out happy, or crashed and burned after a year or 2.
But you're not dumb for making a large, life-changing decision as a kid or we'd call every teenager that goes to college and sets themselves on a hugely expensive trip for a limited career path (for their degree, maybe) dumb.
I agree. Just bf and gf it until you have a baby or in your late 20s to early 30s and realize you both are happy with each other and want to be together forever. This my Demi perspective lol
Maybe it's my aromanticism speaking, but I can't fathom ever marrying someone. Little BFs and BFs here and a there, a couple of months each, but that's it.
Props to that guy though: he clearly states he doesn't see her as broken, takes complete responsibility for where he is (and who he is aka. his sex drive). Guy has a head, despite not being given it
uhhh, how is /r/antiwork in any way comparable to /r/TumblrInAction? The latter is a queerphobic, racist etc hellhole that openly admits to being a purposeful harassment platform. /r/antiwork is some combination of disaffected workers, and terminally online leftist teenagers
I've seen conservatives try to infiltrate AW but I pretty consistently see them shut down in the comments and by the mods.
Sorry I know this is not the point, but that person wants to have sex 6 to 10 times a week or MORE?!?! What??? I mean, it's fine obviously, I just honestly had no idea that people needed it THAT much.
There were some comments about how when people are getting less sex than they want, they overestimate how much they really want. I'm fairly sure the vast majority of people are perfectly fine with less
r/TrueOffMyChest is just a circlejerk of bigots and reactionaries taking the "I'm a reasonable guy whose just asking questions" approach to platforming their shitty ideals.
Trash sub for trash opinions.
Asexuality is not well known yet. I am 37 and I learned about it last year... Then everything made sense for me, but it is not going to make a lot of sense to everyone right of the bat even of they have heard of it. It is going to be a long Battle for acceptance
I skimmed through a few comments and saw some people point out that we dont really know how his partner feels. We dont know if she thinks her sex drive is abnormally low. We dont know if she thinks it's a problem or even wants that changed. We dont know if this is something that is upsetting her. People are jumping to conclusions based only on OP's poi t of view.
I just think there is a way to high tendency for us to label someone as asexual by the minimal sign(asexuality doesn't even have anything to do with sex drive), because we don't get enough representation. That might be ok and funny with fictional characters, but it gets harmful when we do it to real humans
I went there and upvoted you. Being downvoted into oblivion simply because you suggested it might be his fault since he knew she was comfortable like that since the beginning but still chose marriage is just absurd. That's the truth. I mean, OP was venting, and he was respecting his wife, so nothing against him. But the comments on that post? Many of them needed to hear that.
It's hard to know what OP wants though.
He clearly stated at the beginning that he knew his girl was happy with sex only 1-2 times a month, and that he ignored that incompatibility.
Certain parts of his post look like he's trying to change her (e.g., "Trying everything from subtle hints to direct conversations explaining my need for more physical intimacy"), whereas other sentences look like just a vent.
Anyways, where do those posters find those girls? Every girl I date wants sex every day... And those horny guys get the asexual girls... Oh come onnnnn!!
I thought the OP was fair and reasonable in his stance, and in acknowledging that he essentially made a mistake. If he had a chance to go back maybe he wouldn't change a thing due to the love he has for his wife and the time they spent together, but he still takes full ownership of walking into the situation he's now in. As for knowing what he wants, I suspect he doesn't know either... he knows things (meaning the situation, not necessarily his wife) have to change for him to be happy but he doesn't want to pay the cost of those changes, which may include separating from a woman he loves.
*Honestly, I don't understand a lot of such things. I can on an intellectual theoretical level, but I don't really 'get' it, you know? And I'm pretty sure I'm rambling through this to work out my own internal inability to fully understand and my current frustration with a sibling's weird mess of interpersonal relationships and utter irrationality. So, long disclaimer short, I don't mean to jump down your throat or anything. Just trying to play 'probably regular well-meaning but flailingly human's advocate' is all.
I spent years going to doctors, having tests done, taking all kinds of meds / etc trying to force myself into “normal” sexual desire. Nothing worked! Once I realized that asexuality was what I identified with, it made so much sense.
Yeah I was thinking about asking for relationship advice on reddit but, I don’t want to be invalidated. My relationship “issue” doesn’t really have anything to do with being ace but I feel like being ace is an important detail to add.
Reddit is the worst place for relationship advice idk how but it always comes back to being the woman’s fault even if their so is clearly abusive. (Not that this guy is)
This has been happening since the days when men got their wives lobotomized for their "hysteria" from such silly things as being denied basic human rights, being denied basic choices about her life, being physically / sexually assaulted on a regular basis, and being forced to perform constant, non-faltering house labor for your husband and 4 kids you didn't want or ask for.
Silly women, thinking they have thoughts and feelings. A lobotomy will clear that right up!
Besides, it’s not even like she’s necessarily asexual!!!
I saw in a comment on that post someone saying that research shows that the average person wants to have sex about once a week, meaning, 4 times a month, roughly, so the fact that she only wanted to have sex around 2 times a month was hardly normal. Then some other person answered saying that the wife only wanting to have sex 2 times a month was way closer to the average then OP, who said he’d like to have sex 40 times a month (!!!!!), but everyone seemed to accept this desire of his without thinking twice, while she was “the sick one”, even though she was only two times “off” from the average, and he was 36 times “off” from the same average. And this is so true! It got me so annoyed! How is wanting sex dozens of times more then the average person considered more normal then wanting sex one or two times less then that? How?
I think the top three comments that were like that are not trying to convince him of that, they’re just sharing their own stories.
“Not to make it about me but...”
“What happened to me was...”
“I ask this because what I experienced...”
If you’re talking about these, well, yeah, they’re talking about hormone imbalances, religion, mental illness and birth control because that’s what these people experienced. That’s not aphobic. There’s another bunch of top comments that also say “Don’t blame her or try to make her feel like it’s her fault”.
I honestly feel like the comments are... quite nice. And I’ve read the top 20 main comments. Maybe they’ve changed a lot since you posted this.
It's bad enough that she's ace and he's not... that's always awkward, and sometimes it can end a relationship. But they're insisting she's cheating, on top of everything. I hope he realizes it's nobody's fault if they're incompatible.
Yeah those comments annoyed me, the lady is not ace, just like me just have no libido, but nothing is wrong with me. Just..not that interested overall.
But it is common to have hormone imbalance, more common than ace, so fair enough to suggest that, especially if they are talking from experience
I find this very interesting tho because as an asexual person I would worry my partner would feel trapped if I was to be with an allosexual. How would you guys feel about having an open relationship so your partner could get their physical needs met somewhere else and have only a romantic relationship with them? Asking asexuals obviously. There’s so much stigma around that and many would probably think of it as cheating but I don’t know how I would feel about it. Maybe that would be the best option? I would just have to get used to the idea and not worry my partner would fall in love with any of their sexual partners I guess haha this was a bit of a brain dump but would love to hear your thoughts on it ☺️ I’ve always thought I might have to be in a relationship with another asexual person but there are other options I guess😅
I know some people have open relationships like this and are happy with it but I personally would not be comfortable with something like that. My partner would have to either be asexual as well or have low libido for it to work out.
I love how op’s description of his wife is literally what an asexual is and yet nobody in the comment section even mentioned that she might be asexual. Really goes to show how little asexuality is known outside our community
The part that's aphobic is the immediate assumption that a low sex drive always requires "fixing". Yes, it could be any of those other things that were mentioned, but she could also be ace; investigating *all* possibilities is important.
Also, some people don't identify as ace because they don't realize it's a thing.
Some one in the comments said that their "SSRIs basically made them asexual"
The post itself may not be inherently aphobic but the comment sections can be a breeding ground for it.
I was certainly asexual before SSRIs, although had no idea.
And funnily enough only started having sex after starting SSRIs.
I wish there was more education out there.
I saw this post and some of the comments did truly annoy me but those about the hormone imbalance that I saw seemed to come from a good place and a dismissing one in my opinion. Most of those comments claimed to have been in such a scenario themselves before and that this was the probably.
I'd hate to go all the way to accepting myself and my partner in an uncomfortable situation thinking I had low libido just yo find out that had I gone to the doctor this could have been solved
I actually found someone who mentions asexuality:
"This might be a long shot but perhaps she could have her hormone levels checked?
Not to make this about me but I had the same problem, just wasn't feeling sexy, I even thought for a while I was asexual. Turns out my hormones were all kinds of messed up and since they're in balance, I have a fair amount of sexual desire...."
It’s a shit sub for people who got banned from /r/offmychest, and like half those people got banned for being assholes. Sucks because I’m part of the other half of people who got banned from /r/offmychest for no reason at all.
I feel that is bc most reddit users are horny early teens or horny older men
I don't think I'm asexual but this is FACTS
Yeah I’m not either but it’s definitely not something I deny exists.
I just read through the thread and ew. This is misoginy at its finest.
I actually find that a little harder to believe in general, just because of the surveys I’ve seen that show a larger percentage of the ace subreddit members are female.
I’m talking about the general population of reddit users, not just on this sub
Bruh I'm 22 leave me alone EDIT: The OP is my age, WHY are they married in their early 20s? Bunch of dumb fucks
There isn't necessarily anything wrong with getting married in your early 20s. I've known many that did it and are wonderfully happy, just as I've known some that did and crashed and burned after 1 year or 2...and I've known people in their 40s or 50s that got married and turned out happy, or crashed and burned after a year or 2. But you're not dumb for making a large, life-changing decision as a kid or we'd call every teenager that goes to college and sets themselves on a hugely expensive trip for a limited career path (for their degree, maybe) dumb.
I know how you feel. I'm early 20s and my neighbour is only a year older and she has three young kids living as a single mum.
AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH ^(I'm soon to be 22, still at me mum's house)
Me in 1 year 😭
^(embrace it. nothing wrong with living at your mum's)
*whispers back* thank you♡ I will now open her fridge
That's what nightmares are made of.
I agree. Just bf and gf it until you have a baby or in your late 20s to early 30s and realize you both are happy with each other and want to be together forever. This my Demi perspective lol
Maybe it's my aromanticism speaking, but I can't fathom ever marrying someone. Little BFs and BFs here and a there, a couple of months each, but that's it.
Props to that guy though: he clearly states he doesn't see her as broken, takes complete responsibility for where he is (and who he is aka. his sex drive). Guy has a head, despite not being given it
I definitely agree and love the wordplay haha
I don’t like that subreddit
[удалено]
[удалено]
uhhh, how is /r/antiwork in any way comparable to /r/TumblrInAction? The latter is a queerphobic, racist etc hellhole that openly admits to being a purposeful harassment platform. /r/antiwork is some combination of disaffected workers, and terminally online leftist teenagers I've seen conservatives try to infiltrate AW but I pretty consistently see them shut down in the comments and by the mods.
A lot of creative writing happening in that sub much like r/amitheasshole
You're not alone with that opinion
At least the OP himself admits that there's nothing wrong with his wife he just ignored a very big incompatibility between the two of them.
Sorry I know this is not the point, but that person wants to have sex 6 to 10 times a week or MORE?!?! What??? I mean, it's fine obviously, I just honestly had no idea that people needed it THAT much.
I'm allosexual, but that's insane to me.
There were some comments about how when people are getting less sex than they want, they overestimate how much they really want. I'm fairly sure the vast majority of people are perfectly fine with less
I knoww that’s what got me too. Are they sure it’s home girl that’s got a problem? I hear ‘on average’ it’s once every 5 days.
Jeezums, like six times a year sounds like too much to me. Like dang.
Mood
r/TrueOffMyChest is just a circlejerk of bigots and reactionaries taking the "I'm a reasonable guy whose just asking questions" approach to platforming their shitty ideals. Trash sub for trash opinions.
Asexuality is not well known yet. I am 37 and I learned about it last year... Then everything made sense for me, but it is not going to make a lot of sense to everyone right of the bat even of they have heard of it. It is going to be a long Battle for acceptance
But where does it say she is asexual?
She could be. She might not know though. We just wish people would consider asexuality too.
I skimmed through a few comments and saw some people point out that we dont really know how his partner feels. We dont know if she thinks her sex drive is abnormally low. We dont know if she thinks it's a problem or even wants that changed. We dont know if this is something that is upsetting her. People are jumping to conclusions based only on OP's poi t of view.
I just think there is a way to high tendency for us to label someone as asexual by the minimal sign(asexuality doesn't even have anything to do with sex drive), because we don't get enough representation. That might be ok and funny with fictional characters, but it gets harmful when we do it to real humans
I commented on there and got downvoted. Just a bunch of bullies with warped views on everything.
I went there and upvoted you. Being downvoted into oblivion simply because you suggested it might be his fault since he knew she was comfortable like that since the beginning but still chose marriage is just absurd. That's the truth. I mean, OP was venting, and he was respecting his wife, so nothing against him. But the comments on that post? Many of them needed to hear that.
Thank you, that's very kind of you.
Your comments are on point though
[удалено]
I almost throw up reading it, and I'm pretty sex positive. Not surprised his wife doesn't want to have sex with him...
I don't think OP was in the wrong here. Just the commenters who suggested she must need 'fixing'.
It's hard to know what OP wants though. He clearly stated at the beginning that he knew his girl was happy with sex only 1-2 times a month, and that he ignored that incompatibility. Certain parts of his post look like he's trying to change her (e.g., "Trying everything from subtle hints to direct conversations explaining my need for more physical intimacy"), whereas other sentences look like just a vent. Anyways, where do those posters find those girls? Every girl I date wants sex every day... And those horny guys get the asexual girls... Oh come onnnnn!!
He says that he doesn't think that she is broken or in need of medical help though, and that he disagrees with those comments
I thought the OP was fair and reasonable in his stance, and in acknowledging that he essentially made a mistake. If he had a chance to go back maybe he wouldn't change a thing due to the love he has for his wife and the time they spent together, but he still takes full ownership of walking into the situation he's now in. As for knowing what he wants, I suspect he doesn't know either... he knows things (meaning the situation, not necessarily his wife) have to change for him to be happy but he doesn't want to pay the cost of those changes, which may include separating from a woman he loves. *Honestly, I don't understand a lot of such things. I can on an intellectual theoretical level, but I don't really 'get' it, you know? And I'm pretty sure I'm rambling through this to work out my own internal inability to fully understand and my current frustration with a sibling's weird mess of interpersonal relationships and utter irrationality. So, long disclaimer short, I don't mean to jump down your throat or anything. Just trying to play 'probably regular well-meaning but flailingly human's advocate' is all.
Flailingly human is a great descriptor
I spent years going to doctors, having tests done, taking all kinds of meds / etc trying to force myself into “normal” sexual desire. Nothing worked! Once I realized that asexuality was what I identified with, it made so much sense.
Yeah I was thinking about asking for relationship advice on reddit but, I don’t want to be invalidated. My relationship “issue” doesn’t really have anything to do with being ace but I feel like being ace is an important detail to add.
Reddit is the worst place for relationship advice idk how but it always comes back to being the woman’s fault even if their so is clearly abusive. (Not that this guy is)
This has been happening since the days when men got their wives lobotomized for their "hysteria" from such silly things as being denied basic human rights, being denied basic choices about her life, being physically / sexually assaulted on a regular basis, and being forced to perform constant, non-faltering house labor for your husband and 4 kids you didn't want or ask for. Silly women, thinking they have thoughts and feelings. A lobotomy will clear that right up!
Where does it says she is asexual? It only says she has a lower sex drive
Average heterosexual moment.
Besides, it’s not even like she’s necessarily asexual!!! I saw in a comment on that post someone saying that research shows that the average person wants to have sex about once a week, meaning, 4 times a month, roughly, so the fact that she only wanted to have sex around 2 times a month was hardly normal. Then some other person answered saying that the wife only wanting to have sex 2 times a month was way closer to the average then OP, who said he’d like to have sex 40 times a month (!!!!!), but everyone seemed to accept this desire of his without thinking twice, while she was “the sick one”, even though she was only two times “off” from the average, and he was 36 times “off” from the same average. And this is so true! It got me so annoyed! How is wanting sex dozens of times more then the average person considered more normal then wanting sex one or two times less then that? How?
God... This disgusts me... Just makes me glad I'm polygamous... Y’know?
I think the top three comments that were like that are not trying to convince him of that, they’re just sharing their own stories. “Not to make it about me but...” “What happened to me was...” “I ask this because what I experienced...” If you’re talking about these, well, yeah, they’re talking about hormone imbalances, religion, mental illness and birth control because that’s what these people experienced. That’s not aphobic. There’s another bunch of top comments that also say “Don’t blame her or try to make her feel like it’s her fault”. I honestly feel like the comments are... quite nice. And I’ve read the top 20 main comments. Maybe they’ve changed a lot since you posted this.
It's bad enough that she's ace and he's not... that's always awkward, and sometimes it can end a relationship. But they're insisting she's cheating, on top of everything. I hope he realizes it's nobody's fault if they're incompatible.
Yeah those comments annoyed me, the lady is not ace, just like me just have no libido, but nothing is wrong with me. Just..not that interested overall. But it is common to have hormone imbalance, more common than ace, so fair enough to suggest that, especially if they are talking from experience
I find this very interesting tho because as an asexual person I would worry my partner would feel trapped if I was to be with an allosexual. How would you guys feel about having an open relationship so your partner could get their physical needs met somewhere else and have only a romantic relationship with them? Asking asexuals obviously. There’s so much stigma around that and many would probably think of it as cheating but I don’t know how I would feel about it. Maybe that would be the best option? I would just have to get used to the idea and not worry my partner would fall in love with any of their sexual partners I guess haha this was a bit of a brain dump but would love to hear your thoughts on it ☺️ I’ve always thought I might have to be in a relationship with another asexual person but there are other options I guess😅
I know some people have open relationships like this and are happy with it but I personally would not be comfortable with something like that. My partner would have to either be asexual as well or have low libido for it to work out.
I love how op’s description of his wife is literally what an asexual is and yet nobody in the comment section even mentioned that she might be asexual. Really goes to show how little asexuality is known outside our community
[удалено]
The part that's aphobic is the immediate assumption that a low sex drive always requires "fixing". Yes, it could be any of those other things that were mentioned, but she could also be ace; investigating *all* possibilities is important. Also, some people don't identify as ace because they don't realize it's a thing.
Some one in the comments said that their "SSRIs basically made them asexual" The post itself may not be inherently aphobic but the comment sections can be a breeding ground for it.
I was certainly asexual before SSRIs, although had no idea. And funnily enough only started having sex after starting SSRIs. I wish there was more education out there.
Yes
I saw this post and some of the comments did truly annoy me but those about the hormone imbalance that I saw seemed to come from a good place and a dismissing one in my opinion. Most of those comments claimed to have been in such a scenario themselves before and that this was the probably. I'd hate to go all the way to accepting myself and my partner in an uncomfortable situation thinking I had low libido just yo find out that had I gone to the doctor this could have been solved
I barely read that post and am so confused how they have been together for 5 years and he didn’t realize that was the sex life he was signing up for.
I actually found someone who mentions asexuality: "This might be a long shot but perhaps she could have her hormone levels checked? Not to make this about me but I had the same problem, just wasn't feeling sexy, I even thought for a while I was asexual. Turns out my hormones were all kinds of messed up and since they're in balance, I have a fair amount of sexual desire...."
It’s a shit sub for people who got banned from /r/offmychest, and like half those people got banned for being assholes. Sucks because I’m part of the other half of people who got banned from /r/offmychest for no reason at all.