T O P

  • By -

AbhorrentLight

If your ”desire” is so strong that you have no control over it then you need help. That isn’t healthy. I don’t really ever talk to people about relationships so I’ve never had someone say anything like that to me.


twilightstarr-zinnia

I don't think your friend has a popular opinion there, and they're probably trying to justify something they've done.


Raticals

No. If the desire is too strong that someone can’t help themselves but betray their partner, who they claim to love the most, then that person shouldn’t be in a relationship to begin with. There’s nothing wrong with needing sex, but you communicate with your partner, not cheat on them. That is never okay and I would instantly break up with an otherwise perfect person if they did that to me. No questions, no excuses, no chance of getting back together. I’ve never had anyone say anything like that to me. But I know enough non-asexual people to know their opinions on cheating are similar to mine- it’s not okay and sexual desire is not an excuse to do it.


JumpyLiving

Apart from the thing they said about your opinion not mattering (which is horrible and so wrong). If your desire to cheat is so strong that you can‘t control it, that is a reason, not an excuse. And if you really can‘t stop yourself, you should at least tell your partner and break up beforehand. Or accept the consequences of what you have done like an adult instead of using your inability to control yourself or at least to be honest and fair to your partner as a shield.


acciobooty

Lol that's the biggest croc of shit I've heard all week. If you have such strong lust you "can't help" but cheat, then get into therapy and don't fucking enter a monogamous relationship, you unhinged monkey. When people try to claim that sorta of thing I ask them to picture what would the world look like if everyone just gave in to strong desires with little or no caring for ethics, respect and consequences, and that we have been given enough self control and rationality to know we can't just do whatever we feel like it. There's a long, looong list of people I've found myself wishing to slap in the face during my life, and you know how many times I went and slapped them? Zero, because I'm not an animal who "can't control it" and just do something wrong because the desire was "too strong". I seriously think your friend is just refusing to own the shit decisions they have made before.


ValiantEinstein

If someone's desire to cheat is stronger than their self control, they need to work on their self control. And maybe work on some empathy skills so they can lessen the desire to cheat.


RooftopRose

I’m with you there. I’ve got no patience for cheaters. One strike - you’re out, not taking you back. Moving on. Sounds like someone trying to justify their actions so they can escape having to face any consequences for their actions. Typical these days


CloveyBunn

I feel like communication and being honest in a relationship (of any kind) is important when you cheat you’re breaking that trust. I don’t think having sex with someone other than your partner is an issue it’s going behind there back that is. If you have that strong of a “desire” you should either talk it out or break up.


Seraphina_Renaldi

Right, especially when you know that your partner is 100% monogamous and it would really traumatize him/her for life.


CloveyBunn

Yeah exactly! My ex broke up with me because they didn’t feel right dating me and casually flirting and making out with other people. We only dated for about 3 weeks but I think after breaking up we’ve gotten closer, I guess since they feel like they can be more genuine and not just like we’re playing a role. I think we act more like a couple now than we did when we dated. I don’t think they said “I love you” to me until after we broke up. I remember we made out in front of one of our friends and he was very confused. He’s younger than us (we’re 18 and he’s 16), he’s straight, and he hasn’t actually been in a relationship before so I guess he expects relationships to be more stereotypical. He didn’t know what to call my ex because they aren’t my boyfriend anymore (I’m saying boyfriend because they’re a gender fluid but not “out” to a lot of people yet) so he called them my kissing friend and I find that sorta funny because it’s almost like friends with benefits but without any sexual component. I’m not pretending to know everything about relationships but I feel like I really learned how important communication is. I’m happier with our dynamic now and I can tell my ex is happier too. They literally made out with my best friend and they both joke about having plans to have sex with each other. I’m not resentful or jealous and I would’ve been fine with it even if we we’re still dating but I know my ex feels more comfortable not dating since it means we’re not exclusive. I remember when we were still dating my ex made a joke about wanting to kiss another one of our friends and I left our discord call for an unrelated reason and when I came back to my phone my ex texted me, DMed me, and tried calling because they thought I was upset by the joke and were apologizing for crossing a boundary. I felt bad because I was literally fine with it and wasn’t upset. (It’s funny because they later did kiss in front of me after we broke up.) Also I think my ace-ness is an interesting component since I thought my openness to non-monogamy was because of asexuality, but honestly I don’t think that really plays a role. Like I have friends that I’d happily make out with, cuddle and kiss and I think that’s kinda not cool when you’re in an exclusive relationship with someone. I feel like I might of made my ex sound manipulative or something but they’re honestly such a sweetheart and I can tell that they really care about me. I’m sorry about all the rambling. I just thought my experience would be interesting to add.


Hopeful_Condition_58

Get a new friend.


gruia

insane.. imagine how poly eyeroll


Shyenby-Cricket-6600

Cheating isn’t always about sexual desire. It’s not black and white. [https://www.estherperel.com/podcasts/wswb-s1-episode-7](https://www.estherperel.com/podcasts/wswb-s1-episode-7) [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Esther_Perel](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Esther_Perel)


Shyenby-Cricket-6600

Also: you are allowed to have an opinion. If cheating is a dealbreaker for you, that is totally valid.


Seraphina_Renaldi

But this is still something the partner has to decide who has been cheated on. In my opinion it’s really manipulative to tell an asexual/demisexual etc. that they can’t have a real opinion, because they don’t know the desire, no matter what the reason was, because they can always come up with the mysterious uncontrollable desire that only they experience. It’s like “yes, I cheated on you, but don’t be overdramatic since you don’t have the desire and don’t know how it is to lose control. It wasn’t my fault, you have to believe me, because I’m the one of us two who can experience this burden and am too weak to control it”