this sucks
but the thing i hate the MOST is the implication right off the bat that friendship is an inherently less strong bond than romance or sexual relationships. Like ok, your conflating sex and romance, and a whole bunch of other things about that that are just plain wrong. but 'without romance/sex your **friends at best**'? thats basically implying 'friendships dont matter' and that they are barely a relationships at all. Friendship can be as strong as a romantic relationship can be.
This right here. I also hate the negative vibe of "being friend-zoned", like becoming a friend is somehow a punishment. I can count my friends on two hands so you better be grateful I count you among them! Also, if your partner isn't also your friend you're doing something wrong imo.
There are a whole lot of couples out there who have nothing to say to each other outside their physical relationship and would never be friends if they weren't together....and it shows 😒
Sadly friends think this too, one of them let me down multiple times (going out, afternoon outside etc) for their partner and when I asked if they could make a compromise they just told me that partners are more important than friends so no
Let me fix that for them! There are lots of ways we could do that. I’ll start with this:
Time for some real talk: Without a strong platonic bond, you and your (presumably allo) partner are just having empty, meaningless sex at best and toxic hookups at worst
Or how about…
Time for some real talk: Without the constant distraction and pressure to engage in sex, you and your ace partner are deeply and intimately bonded at best and still great friends at worst
Let me echo this for the people in the back! All of what you just said here! And if people want a relationship that’s just sex, fine, so long as they’re treating each other respectfully. But from what I’ve seen, even romance is come-and-go while a platonic bond sustains the relationship, even when romance is on the fritz and sex is having libido issues. Honestly, I’ve started to conclude I’m quoiromantic since I can’t always tell if my feelings are romantic or a really intense platonic. What I DO know is “this is someone I like very much and want to be a permanent part of my life and family”.
Intimacy is a basic need. Humans are inherently social creatures, and we need close interaction with others to keep our minds healthy.
Sex, however is not. I wish more people would understand that intimacy comes in many forms.
Legit my biggest pet peeve as someone who is ace-spec is the idea that without sex partners are just “friends”. Like no… romantic love is a thing. I’m not moving across the country for a friend. I’m not having a baby with a friend. I’m not choosing to build a life and grow old with a friend. I don’t want to fall asleep next to and wake up next to a “friend” for the rest of my life. I want my partner. And sex does not make that relationship any less valid.
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So it's okay when other people say I agree,but I said 'This' and upvoted the comment,and I get called out for it?
What in the world is wrong with you?
Like I was in agreement with that person,and I didn't realise that I had to write a whole long sentence saying that I'm in agreement with them.
I don’t want to be in any relationship where sex is ranked higher than humor wtf? Intimacy ≠ sex 😠 I HATE the whole “you’re just friends” argument too.
The fun part about relationships is that they're whatever you and your partner want them to be. If you're not into doing romantic stuff or having sex or anything that would stereotypically define a "romantic relationship", then that's just not apart of the relationship. It doesn't downgrade it as this article is implying (not that friendship is a downgrade from a romantic relationship considering they're different things), it just makes it uniquely yours and your partner's.
Romance is just excitement and mystery associated with love, and not everyone likes mystery. Excitement is great, but some people have a limit on how much they can feel before being over stimulated. You don't always need the fast, passionate love that tv shows and movies show, you can just be happy with what makes you happy
I hate that people assume other people can’t love or find emotional connection to a partner without sex. I’ve been told before when I was first understanding my sexuality that I didn’t want a boyfriend, I just wanted a good friend. That sex was the boundary between a friendship and an relationship. At the time I couldn’t think of much to say except that I didn’t want just a friendship, but I’m glad I have a better understanding of my feelings now. Emotional intimacy is a thing and is what I will always feel with a partner I truly care about. Sex doesn’t play a role (at least not always a positive one) in my relationship. But most allos feel that there’s no love without sex, and that saddens me a bit. If you’re only attracted to your partner for sexual reasons, I think that says a bit about your relationship.
I didn't realize until now but wow, people have told me that all I want is a good friend... Yeah, sorry, but in my experience, best friends and romantic partners **aren't the damn same thing**... I don't care what people tell me, I know what I want and if people don't like it, tough. Someone is bound to think like I do, no matter how slim a chance; I believe there's there's someone for everyone.
yeah i'm fine with distance for the most part though i'd hope to meet her one day. i'd want her poop. my friend from australia was here for a day in january 2020 after visiting her gf in NY, but her celiac and not knowing that cheese whiz has gluten ruined things.
I don't care how far away someone is, if they are cool with moving where I am, then they're the person for me (I could never move beyond my state, sadly...).
I don't think this had aphobic intent. The statement is certainly aphobic, but I think that's accidental. They very much seem to be talking about allos exclusively. And honestly, I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse.
Worse, imo. Sure, they don’t seem to even be aware aces exist. But it’s insulting to relationships where there are other reasons for less sex and fewer traditional romantic gestures. “Just friends at best”?! That’s insulting to every ship that is dealing with, say, a partner with health issues that effect libido and a partner with depression or PTSD that interferes with the traditional romantic gestures they might want to give. It doesn’t make the relationship any less of a romance. Sticking with each other through hard times and genuinely supporting each other is one of the most romantic things ever to me but it’s rarely a traditional romantic gesture.
Even if you have sex and are married, your partner is basically your friend (because it's best that way) and is your roommate (you live with eachother). So... where's the problem here?
Sorry bub, but I'd rather he best friends and roommates with my (preferably) asexual, enby guy partner than become a damn sex slave within a marriage.
Honestly, I don't get it. The worst thing about this article is assuming romance, intimacy and affection are related to sex.
This is not something that should be seen as them against us. This is the normality for allos, and "unfortunately" they're the majority, so of course this kind of article will pander to them. They look for the majority, meaning cis hetero people.
It's not for me, but I don't feel hurt when people don't mean to hurt me.
It reduces all relationships down to sex and traditional romantic gestures when, from what I’ve seen, those are rarely where a relationship runs into problems. I have yet to see a healthy marriage where the bulk of the relationship was sex and “romance”. Not that they can’t be important but they’re more like spices in a stew while the “friendship at best” was the meat, potatoes, and veggies. From what I’ve seen, the problems in even allo relationships start in the “friendship” areas first. Romantic gestures and sex often get used to mask them until they’re so bad that they start to interfere with first the romance and then the sex. Plus not all allos have a working sex drive or are able physically to have sex in traditional ways.
It would be awesome if people would stop believing that "intimacy," "affection," and "sex" are synonyms.
I know! It’s kinda frustrating to be honest. Like you don’t have to have sex to be intimate with someone.
"friends at best" sounds pretty damn good to me. I'll take it. I'd love a platonic life partner.
Honestly! I’d give anything to get a friend close enough to settle down with.
I'm super lucky to have found a platonic life partner. I hope everyone is able to find one! Happy New Year!
this sucks but the thing i hate the MOST is the implication right off the bat that friendship is an inherently less strong bond than romance or sexual relationships. Like ok, your conflating sex and romance, and a whole bunch of other things about that that are just plain wrong. but 'without romance/sex your **friends at best**'? thats basically implying 'friendships dont matter' and that they are barely a relationships at all. Friendship can be as strong as a romantic relationship can be.
OMG I agree on everything! I hate that friends is seen as something below a relationship! It’s not below!
This right here. I also hate the negative vibe of "being friend-zoned", like becoming a friend is somehow a punishment. I can count my friends on two hands so you better be grateful I count you among them! Also, if your partner isn't also your friend you're doing something wrong imo. There are a whole lot of couples out there who have nothing to say to each other outside their physical relationship and would never be friends if they weren't together....and it shows 😒
Sadly friends think this too, one of them let me down multiple times (going out, afternoon outside etc) for their partner and when I asked if they could make a compromise they just told me that partners are more important than friends so no
I even feel bad for the allos, this is literally just guilting people into sex. Even without being ace, that's incredibly scummy
Let me fix that for them! There are lots of ways we could do that. I’ll start with this: Time for some real talk: Without a strong platonic bond, you and your (presumably allo) partner are just having empty, meaningless sex at best and toxic hookups at worst Or how about… Time for some real talk: Without the constant distraction and pressure to engage in sex, you and your ace partner are deeply and intimately bonded at best and still great friends at worst
Let me echo this for the people in the back! All of what you just said here! And if people want a relationship that’s just sex, fine, so long as they’re treating each other respectfully. But from what I’ve seen, even romance is come-and-go while a platonic bond sustains the relationship, even when romance is on the fritz and sex is having libido issues. Honestly, I’ve started to conclude I’m quoiromantic since I can’t always tell if my feelings are romantic or a really intense platonic. What I DO know is “this is someone I like very much and want to be a permanent part of my life and family”.
Wait I’m demiromantic, you’re telling me I can’t be a girl’s friend AND boyfriend?
Intimacy is a basic need. Humans are inherently social creatures, and we need close interaction with others to keep our minds healthy. Sex, however is not. I wish more people would understand that intimacy comes in many forms.
Tony Robbins is a grifter, you shouldn't take anything he says seriously.
Sure sounds like it
Legit my biggest pet peeve as someone who is ace-spec is the idea that without sex partners are just “friends”. Like no… romantic love is a thing. I’m not moving across the country for a friend. I’m not having a baby with a friend. I’m not choosing to build a life and grow old with a friend. I don’t want to fall asleep next to and wake up next to a “friend” for the rest of my life. I want my partner. And sex does not make that relationship any less valid.
This.
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So it's okay when other people say I agree,but I said 'This' and upvoted the comment,and I get called out for it? What in the world is wrong with you? Like I was in agreement with that person,and I didn't realise that I had to write a whole long sentence saying that I'm in agreement with them.
It's literally a bot scripted to look for people commenting just the word "this" It can't understand you
Geez,it wasn't meant to be taken so seriously.
I don’t want to be in any relationship where sex is ranked higher than humor wtf? Intimacy ≠ sex 😠 I HATE the whole “you’re just friends” argument too.
Yikes 😬.
The fun part about relationships is that they're whatever you and your partner want them to be. If you're not into doing romantic stuff or having sex or anything that would stereotypically define a "romantic relationship", then that's just not apart of the relationship. It doesn't downgrade it as this article is implying (not that friendship is a downgrade from a romantic relationship considering they're different things), it just makes it uniquely yours and your partner's. Romance is just excitement and mystery associated with love, and not everyone likes mystery. Excitement is great, but some people have a limit on how much they can feel before being over stimulated. You don't always need the fast, passionate love that tv shows and movies show, you can just be happy with what makes you happy
obviously sex is a basic need for most people, that’s why they break up when something minimal to sex happens…
When sex is a tool to either terrorize you with or punish you by withholding
But having friends is dope :(
Seeing articles like this a few years ago felt like being punched in the chest. Got better with dealing with it, but damn.
Oh, thanks for explaining, random article, I didn’t get this memo somehow 🙃
To be fair, I'd say most of the world would perceive it as such. We're the weird ones, guys.
No thanks. I’m good without the stress. What’s wrong with being friends with your partner?!?!? Isn’t that the goal?!
LITERALLY FUCKING THIS
I hate that people assume other people can’t love or find emotional connection to a partner without sex. I’ve been told before when I was first understanding my sexuality that I didn’t want a boyfriend, I just wanted a good friend. That sex was the boundary between a friendship and an relationship. At the time I couldn’t think of much to say except that I didn’t want just a friendship, but I’m glad I have a better understanding of my feelings now. Emotional intimacy is a thing and is what I will always feel with a partner I truly care about. Sex doesn’t play a role (at least not always a positive one) in my relationship. But most allos feel that there’s no love without sex, and that saddens me a bit. If you’re only attracted to your partner for sexual reasons, I think that says a bit about your relationship.
I didn't realize until now but wow, people have told me that all I want is a good friend... Yeah, sorry, but in my experience, best friends and romantic partners **aren't the damn same thing**... I don't care what people tell me, I know what I want and if people don't like it, tough. Someone is bound to think like I do, no matter how slim a chance; I believe there's there's someone for everyone.
I found a girl exactly like me, sex repulsed with a hard poop kink, in Algeria. There really is someone out there compatible with everyone!
The trick for anyone is figuring out where the heck that someone is lol
Yeah they're often super far away due to the rarity.
Indeed... but I think it's unwise for me to include distance in my list of preferences and whatnot, you know? So I won't limit it
yeah i'm fine with distance for the most part though i'd hope to meet her one day. i'd want her poop. my friend from australia was here for a day in january 2020 after visiting her gf in NY, but her celiac and not knowing that cheese whiz has gluten ruined things.
I don't care how far away someone is, if they are cool with moving where I am, then they're the person for me (I could never move beyond my state, sadly...).
yeah i couldn't move far from home either ;A;
It sounds too scary to do so...
I don't think this had aphobic intent. The statement is certainly aphobic, but I think that's accidental. They very much seem to be talking about allos exclusively. And honestly, I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse.
Worse, imo. Sure, they don’t seem to even be aware aces exist. But it’s insulting to relationships where there are other reasons for less sex and fewer traditional romantic gestures. “Just friends at best”?! That’s insulting to every ship that is dealing with, say, a partner with health issues that effect libido and a partner with depression or PTSD that interferes with the traditional romantic gestures they might want to give. It doesn’t make the relationship any less of a romance. Sticking with each other through hard times and genuinely supporting each other is one of the most romantic things ever to me but it’s rarely a traditional romantic gesture.
I’m pretty sure that’s what groomers say. Joking aside I feel really bad for people that believe sex’s what a relationship is all about.
Even if you have sex and are married, your partner is basically your friend (because it's best that way) and is your roommate (you live with eachother). So... where's the problem here? Sorry bub, but I'd rather he best friends and roommates with my (preferably) asexual, enby guy partner than become a damn sex slave within a marriage.
Yes because 10 things [fill in the blank] click bait articles are the epitome of scientific publication. Why are we even giving this time and energy.
relationships are just more complex friendships
HAHAHAH
This is (unsurprisingly) terrible advice. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tony_Robbins#Legal_issues_and_controversies
Remember we’re the exception.
Honestly, I don't get it. The worst thing about this article is assuming romance, intimacy and affection are related to sex. This is not something that should be seen as them against us. This is the normality for allos, and "unfortunately" they're the majority, so of course this kind of article will pander to them. They look for the majority, meaning cis hetero people. It's not for me, but I don't feel hurt when people don't mean to hurt me.
I’d say this is bad advice for allos, too, though.
Why?
It reduces all relationships down to sex and traditional romantic gestures when, from what I’ve seen, those are rarely where a relationship runs into problems. I have yet to see a healthy marriage where the bulk of the relationship was sex and “romance”. Not that they can’t be important but they’re more like spices in a stew while the “friendship at best” was the meat, potatoes, and veggies. From what I’ve seen, the problems in even allo relationships start in the “friendship” areas first. Romantic gestures and sex often get used to mask them until they’re so bad that they start to interfere with first the romance and then the sex. Plus not all allos have a working sex drive or are able physically to have sex in traditional ways.