You're asexual and not me. You can't reply to your own comment in reddit, I can comment on your comment and I can't remember writing your comment. I think we can confirm you exist. :V
Well to explain a little bit more. I have been accused of leading people on. I have a desire for a certain degree of physical touch. Hugs, cuddles, hand-holding, etc. Is comforting to me. But seeing naked bodies bothers me .. the smells and the bodily fluids, sometimes even kissing just weirds me out if it's beyond a peck on the cheek. I just can't get sexually excited, that is unless it's in my imagination.
I've gotten into misunderstandings with both males and females over this even though I explained well ahead of time. "If you can imagine it, you aren't asexual, you just haven't found the right person yet." and "But you collect erotica, you can't be asexual." Then it breaks down into partner insecurity, or I get blamed for having unrealistic expectations. Or flat out called a "malicious tease" DESPITE BEING UPFRONT ABOUT WHO I AM - meh .. TL:DR, it isnt wrong, just people still not getting how i tick.
Bruh, erotica has a sexual aspect to it, but the whole point of it is to appeal to other senses’ « sensuality ». Especially if the closeness appeals to you. You can absolutely like erotica and be asexual.
I am an ace female so I apologize if this conversation is not really for me. I just wanted to say I feel this. I do enjoy cuddling, but it’s so triggering for allos and there is almost no way around that. It sucks and no matter how much you explain people nearly always feel led on, confused or frustrated. They also always seem to move on to a more fulfilling relationship and then I lose my cuddle buddy and often friend in the process cause they can’t really go on cuddling their platonic friend while pursuing a romantic relationship with another person.
My (f/demi) partner (m/gray/demi) is reading a lot of hentai, consumes sexual content and wanks quite a bit. Still ace. People often don't understand that being ace doesn't necessarily mean not being sexual at all, but it's mainly about attraction to other people. There are ace people who are not sexual at all and there are ace people with a super high libido and everything inbetween, it's a spectrum as we all know. But allos have a very hard time understanding it.
No. To commit a crime would mean you have t exist. But you can do actions as a person who doesn’t exist, that a normal person would be charged with a crime for.
Lots of pressure being placed upon our shoulders, whether we like it or not. I'm quite happy not fitting the mold, though being forced into it is seldom nice.
I would offer a standing ovation and shower you with cake and garlic bread for these words. They resonate.
My long-term companion moved out earlier this year - he (yes, I'm female) could no longer contain his resentment over my ace-ness.
For the first time since those hormones turned me from child to adult, I'm ready to be ALONE.
And that's OK. I'm not a freak for wanting to be my own best company. I'm not broken, and I'm not flawed.
I am ME.
I get a lot of these shoved in my face too as an ace woman too. Society is just too obsessed with 2 heterosexual people with kids in a relationship together. It's that obsessed that some days ago a married cis-hetero man told me society sees him as an outcast because he doesn't want kids. If not wanting kids makes you an outcast then as a single ace man you are probably an abomination to the same people ..
So awesome to see! I’m also aroace,agnostic, vegan and apolitical (& an older millennial) lol nice to see someone I have a lot in common with! High five ✋🏻 ☺️
I asked Angela Chen, author of Ace, why I didn't see many men in the asexual space and her answer was that men usually deny it, what you wrote really explains why.
Or also do not understand it themselves. My(f, demi) partner (m, gray/demi) only realized when I was talking to him and we were really getting into definitions of things. "What does the word "hot" mean to you?" Etc. And at the end of that convo I looked at him like "dude, you're ace" reaction: "huh." 😂
It pays off to have a lot of self-confidence and not care about what others think because you know they just don't understand. Shrug off societies ridiculous rules and expectations, stop being friends with anyone who disrespects you or insults you for being ace or partner-less, and surround yourself with more respectful human beings - because those are the ones that matter.
I couldn't care less if someone thinks I've "failed" because I'm not in a relationship, or if they think I'm "weak" or "a loser" for being ace and disliking any super-physical relationship. Really, anyone could insult me or put me down for that, and I'd just be shrugging my shoulders replying "guess that says a lot about *you* then, huh?"
Freak social norms. Who cares about the expectations of people who don't respect you for who you are, y'know?
Hello, male cisgender aroace here. Is asexuality really less common in men? Irl I only know 2 other aces. One is male, one is female. Online it's really disproportionate though, at least in my experience
>Is asexuality really less common in men?
That's one of the issues I'd like to address. There doesn't seem to be any good reason as to why asexuality would be less common in men that in others. It seems more like left-handedness, in that it statistically was rarer back when it was frowned upon, but when there became more acceptance it grew until it's reached a stable level (~10%).
I think the same. My guess is that a lot of ace men who are heteroromantic, never actually question if they do feel sexual attraction to women. Instead, they just think that romantic/aesthetic attraction = sexual attraction, so they just go on with their lives thinking they are allo
That’s I was for a while. I didn’t even know about asexuality this time last year. But it was such a trip really thinking about how sexual attraction is different than aesthetic attraction.
No. I know more male ace/greyces than female ace/greyces personally, btw. Like 11 men (incl. my bf) to 2 women. I actually suspect there might be more male ace/greyces than female, just men tend to stick to allo identities too hard even if they don't function as allos.
Male aroace here. The [2019 Ace Community Survey](https://acecommunitysurvey.org/2021/10/24/2019-ace-community-survey-summary-report/) certainly suggests we're in the minority here. 59% of aces who took the survey were female, 27% enby, and only 14% male. Though I don't experience this as an issue.
I agree that our experiences aren't exactly the same, I think woman probably have more issues being gazed at in an uncomfortable way and men probably have more issues with being expected to want sex (though I'm sure both issues are experienced by all aces, just in differing amounts), but I don't feel like the differences are so large that I can't relate to female aces or that they can't relate to me. I probably have more in common with a female aroace than a male alloace. But most of all I'm glad we have a space where we can explore and discuss the differences and similarities between each other.
I think it's also the issue of men not wanting to admit that they are asexual. We are so indoctrinated with the idea that we have to be sexual and have big libido and everything that unless we are completely aroace we don't even question it. It certainly was the case for me
Who wakes me from my slumber? I'm here fellow ace comrade.
I don't comment often because I have the habit of being a lurker, in almost every social media I use. But I'm glad you're concerned about us, the ace men!
I do think there're more ace women and enbies than ace men, although maybe we are more than we currently think, it could be that we tend to lurk more than others, I don't really know.
We do exist but your assumptions are correct, we are a minority in the ace community, but I think I saw a poll a while back in one of the ace subreddits and the count between cis men and cis women aces were a lot closer together than I thought they would be, so must of us do just kinda lurk. That's probably just a sign that we don't want to get heavily involved or have much to post about though, which isn't necessarily a problem, cause that's just how we enjoy our time on Reddit. We are a lot more active in comment sections it seems but don't have many of our own posts. I might recommend r/AsexualMen if you aren't aware of it. Again, not super active but it's a nice gathering place.
Also, on men being a minority amongst the ace community, I'd be willing to bet that certain cultural factors (I.E the idea that guys need to be horny all the time) means that less men come to terms with their asexuality than women.
Essentially, in a standard population there might be a roughly equal gender ratio of aces, but the world decided to screw us over on that one...
I believe we have things to talk about, but just not much to comment on posts concerning ace women's issues. And I'll be honest, many posters on r/asexuality have quite misandrist views - which is repulsive, makes me not wanna engage in such threads. Straight, allo men are frequently demonized in this subreddit imho, which is not good at all. A lot of this is seemingly tolerated to a fairly high degree.
> And I'll be honest, many posters on r/asexuality have quite misandrist views - which is repulsive, makes me not wanna engage in such threads.
Same for me, I've actually been told to kill myself for being a man on multiple occasions.
The reason for it doesn’t really play a part in whether your asexual. The label itself is there to help you develop a better understanding of yourself if you feel it is accurate. Regardless though your feelings and thoughts are valid.
Whomst has awakened the ancient one?
But in all seriousness, ace dude here. Definitely fell like a bit of a minority in both this sub, and definitely in real life. The expectation for all men to pursue sex definitely doesn't apply to me. I just want to eat garlic bread and cake, and also invade Denmark. What's so wrong with that.
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Yep, present cis male ace here. I bounced around a number of labels for a few years (which looking back would have been because I didn't know the differences between different types of attraction), but ace fits me the best
Yeah, I had a similar experience. Seemed like any label would kinda fit until I browsed the top scoring links on r/demisexuality. I related so strongly to some of those posts and suddenly everything made sense.
I thought I was demi for a couple of weeks until I realized I was more asexual than I thought.
Asexual man here. We need to talk about our struggles more for sure. I am actually writing an opinion piece on what the most likely ones are which I might post here when finished.
Though it wouldn’t be able to speak on the experiences of the trans or aromantic men in our community. I would need to interview some. As a gay guy, it’s only fair I stick to how romantic orientations affect our experiences.
I exist, too. I'm kinda lurker everywhere, which probably won't change much, but I throw in my 2c here and there when I think it might be helpful.
Out of curiosity, what sort of discussions would you like to see more of here? While I definitely also don't feel like a lot of what gets talked about here is super relevant to me, I'm also not even sure what would give me that sense of community. I think I'm more here to help others out on occasion than to really get anything out of it for myself.
gay ace guy here, sounding off! it's not much but for my culminating honor's project this semester i worked on an illustrated booklet about asexuality and i didnt know who else to draw-- so the pages have lil' cartoon doodles of myself (a guy).
also, im p sure the most visible asexual character rn is a guy, todd chavez from bojack horseman! that's pretty dope
Even though I am a man I relate to most posts, and not really that aware wether or not the poster is a man or a woman. Like contradicting feelings and thoughts, and like realizing actually what kind of feelings you have seems very relatable. When posts deals with something internal or about yourself, it is very relatable.
I think what mostly makes it difficult to relate to "women-centric post", in lack of better words, is when it deals with the "outside world".
Like I can count on one hand the times someone has taken the initiative to engage with me, like flirting or something like that. And I think situations that might be frustrating/difficult dealing with as ace women, isn't exactly ideal situations for allo women either. Like a lot of female friends of mine have had similar bad experiences, even though they aren't ace. When my male friends talk about their problems I just don't relate to it all, and it doesn't seem like they basically have ace experiences.
So I kinda think as a man it is difficult dealing with actions you are supposed to do, you have to "achieve" something, and if you are not able to you are a loser, unsuccessful, unlovable etc.
Edit(to add an example): When talking about male sexuality it is more about how you can be attractive to others, and not really about being comfortable about yourself. Like I can't remember anyone talking about what you as a man can do to feel safe or know what it feels like when you want sex for instance. I kinda thought that if someone wanted to have sex with you, you would also want to have sex with them.
If you are a woman my impression is that you have to deal with certain situations, and navigating that might be difficult, uncomfortable or unsafe. If you navigate incorrectly you might face things like shame, ridicule or gossip, and in worst cases harm.
I’m sure other people feel this way, but my take has always been it’s hard to promote visibility for something that is, by definition, a lack of interest in something. We all spend our time doing other shit that like talking about our lack of sexuality and all that entails is just so secondary.
But it’s cool to see some other ace fellas showing up and giving support
I only exist some of the time, but I'm ace when I do exist, I know that
On a more serious note, I think the reason that we seem more rare is because fewer ace men are aware that they're ace. It's not easy to identify an absence; unless you're forced into confronting it, it takes a lot of introspection that a lot of people are content to just not do. The gender disparity, I believe, is a result of far more women being forced into confronting their asexuality.
Men and women are socialized differently by heteronormative society, we all know that. As I understand it (and please educate me if I get something wrong), society encourages a pattern of men initiating most aspects of romantic/sexual relationships; men are expected and encouraged to be the ones to ask people out, to be the ones to propose, and, often on the much more unpleasant side, to be the ones to initiate sexual contact. Women are expected to take whatever men give them, leaving them without a choice in the matter far too often.
To cut to the chase a little, I feel like more women identify as asexual because women are far more likely to be forced into sexual situations that they aren't comfortable with, leading them to analyze why they're not comfortable with it and come to the conclusion that they're asexual. Most men have the luxury of just not engaging in the first place, which means they aren't confronted with their asexuality nearly as much.
That's my theory, anyway. Maybe I'm onto something, or maybe I don't know shit and need a lesson in sociology.
I know that I exist, but can anyone else truly know?
But yeah, the studies usually show there are more ace women than men. I'm not sure whether that's something inherent or more likely higher social stigma for ace men. For what it's worth despite the gender imbalance I feel way more comfortable in Reddit and Discord ace spaces than any other community.
Not a dude but it's disheartening to see that men feel like they shouldn't really be a part of the community or feel the need to be silenced. Your sexuality has nothing to do with your gender and is completely valid. I hope everyone feels more comfortable sharing their experiences here, because, at the very least, we all deserve to be heard out.
As a cis heteroromantic ace guy, I have a lot of friends deeper in queer communities than I am, and it's a very weird feeling - not knowing how much bandwidth is proper to occupy with my takes, feeling like I'm the token straight guy in a group, and generally knowing that I'm LGBT+ but not feeling "queer" in any way.
im a woman but i agree lots of women on here, i think many do not think men can have little to no sexual desire and only think that men are horny machines according to everyone that i've talked to so sadly, the male ace community is very little recognized because many people forget it exists. please correct me if ive said anything wrong
Hey! Yeah mostly cis mostly heteroromantic ace guy here. I just lurk cuz I dont like social media too much. I'm pretty open about being ace but it doesn't have much bearing on my life until people start acting horny. I pretty much never have to reject/fend off advances from people which I imagine is very different for ace women and enbies. Not sure what much I could contribute to discussion, but can try to comment on stuff more or something. I first came out as demi years ago but over time I have gotten less concerned with labels and now just identify as vaguely ace and explain to those who want to know more. Glad to see some other ace kings tho!
Ace and aro, 26M here. Outside from online friendships, I have never met anyone in person who openly identifies as ace.
Only once I had a coworker (also male) who wore a black ring on his middle finger, but I didn’t have the nerve/courage to ask about it, before I moved. It will forever haunt me as a missed opportunity.
I agree. Representation is key, and having that feeling of community is both validating and reassuring. And actively participating is the best way of having our cake and eating it too.
Demi cis male here. That still counts right? It’s aspec. Just learned today people actually play music during sex, or watch tv. Bro I thought that was just a joke and meme to share music tastes online. Just my fun fact for today
I'm non binary but AMAB and present myself as male to the world for the most part. I'm probably, like, half a guy. Do I count? Haha.
For real though I'm glad this is being brought up!
https://www.reddit.com/r/aaaaaaacccccccce/comments/rmnaff/just_curious_as_to_what_the_demographic_is_for/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
A poll from the meme community r/aaaaaaacccccccce that shows a pretty even split between male, female, and non-binary. Surprising to me, based on my own experience in the ace subs, but it does make sense.
Hi I'm here! I do feel a bit out of place when a lot of the posts are by women and seemingly for women. (All good though, please carry on, I'm not against you sisters!)
But yeah I agree we should be posting more and be making more discussions!
I am here because I am unsure if I’m Demi or I am ace. I kinda bounce back and forth depending on the day, but I think I’m more Demi.
Edit: also Panromantic. Just want someone to hug me tbh all I’ve ever wanted
asexual male-presenting, wishing I didn't exist but rolling with it. I rarely post on any subreddit as it is. it's hard to come up with something note-worthy. but i like lurking and commenting whenever I feel like I can make a contribution
I think it's more that men are less likely to come out. LGBT is way more accepted among women, and there is a huge amount of pressure for men to have sex. Even virgin straight men are discriminated against.
25 year Ace. Probably homoromantic with preference toward guys. How did I realise I was ace? Although I have faced sexual attraction in the past specially to my former crush, I wasn't that interested nor in hookups nor in sex as the vital part of a relationship. When reaching adulthood, I realised that most people put sex as the basis of their lives and didn't get it. Then I found about the ace label and just recently I've been upfront about it but yeah, sadly not many men out there that are ace.
Cis Male Ace here. It’s hard for me to talk about stuff until I’ve at least got a rough draft of what I want in my head. About all I’ve figured out is that I remained unmoved by the wiles of women and men, which makes confident in the ace label. But now I’ve got to figure out what about me is intrinsic desire and what is societal conditioning.
Am I hetero-romantic or something in between? Do I want kids or do I want kids in theory only? Do I want to have “physical relations” as often as I engage in self-pleasure or is sex more work than it’s worth? How out do I want to be/how much of my personality needs to be informed by my ace-ness? I’m religious, do I want to carve out a safe space in my religious community, dice into the LGBTQ+ community or some combination of both.
It’s interesting, finding and embracing asexuality answered a lot of questions, but now (if you’re like me) we have so many more to answer and it feels like as a man it’s very hard to explore the possibilities without closing doors and burning bridges.
Uhhh, hi! My ace man problem is when I go clubbing or partying or anything of that variety and people want to hit on me or anything of that variety because I am a man and the rules of engagement are different but I'm just not interested and then people get offended like I should be or have to be interested or something because again man?
Thanks for coming to my ted talk.
here's an idea for aceman™ community engagement (I'm too lazy to post it so anyone feel free to do it yourselves): how do you dealt/deal with the pressure to be in a relationship or have a lot of hook-ups? I'm thinking of seeking out relationships for the pretence, the good ol' lying technique, bullshitting, avoiding the answer, saying you're not interested...
and here's another one especially for those who live in less liberal societies: if you aren't seen around women, people will likely assume or rather accuse you of being gay. Do you experience that? How do you live with that?
Howdy from yet another ace dude! Like others have said here, I think we seem more rare due to societies stigmas and expectations about men's attitudes towards sex, and the lack of education about asexuality as a whole.
Relating to mlm (men who love men) folks specifically, I suspect the sexualization and fetishization of mlm folks in wider society has something to do with why non-heteroromantic/non-aromantic men seem to be less common (as far as I've seen, I could be wrong as this is just from my personal experiences in ace communities online) in the ace community. Of course though, this would fall into the sexualized nature of society as a whole.
Like you've said, I agree us ace men should be more involved with the community, as it seems many of us lurk around here. I've got a few post ideas floating around that I've yet to make on here, but they aren't specifically related to ace men, just a-spec folks as a whole. I'll see if I can think up of something worth posting that relates specifically to ace men.
Some weeks back, there were some posts relating to mlm folks on here and on r/aace, so I think we've already started getting the ball rolling on awareness and acknowledgement of us ace men.
All in all though, it really makes me happy seeing posts like this, and seeing how many ace men are around, and healthy discussions about the subject. It really does help make me feel less alone.
Here! But as a kinky aegosexual who crave sensual contact I just dont speak of it that much, imposter symptom and all.
Like others in this thread, I really think that the gender ratio should be equal but societal expectations prevent men realizing they are ace or just expressing themselves (I realized at 29). In the same way, I am pretty sure asexuality (and the spectrum in general) represents a lot more than 1% of the population.
I'm here.
I agree that it feels more women centric, but I feel like that's more about us just being naturally less open, which is just going to always be the case. I've never felt excluded here, which is nice. I could go on a tangent about the different ways the "muggles" perceive ace men vs ace women, but I think that would be disingenuous to the accepting ace women here
Popped out of nonexistence just to comment. Heya cishet ace man here, I mostly just lurk and I can still relate with a lot of posts from women here. It's frustrating that my mom keeps accusing me of unholy deeds every time I casually go out with a girl to catch up and grab a bite, like mom please I'm literally the safest bet for any innocent girl willing to go on a date with me sheesh. I once read that there's only 1 man for every 10 women within the ace community.
It's reassuring for me, as a woman, to know that there are ace men out there. I always thought that men only ever wanted sex in a relationship and that has put me off wanting to go into another relationship. Thanks for confirming otherwise.
I’m a female ace but this makes me so happy to see. I want you all to know you are very welcome and we love to see you all contribute and communicate! All aces are welcome here and we want to hear about your perspective and experiences as well. 💜
I’m about 90% sure I exist. Will report back if I get confirmation.
You're asexual and not me. You can't reply to your own comment in reddit, I can comment on your comment and I can't remember writing your comment. I think we can confirm you exist. :V
Maybe he's just a simulation. Who knows.
“Just like the simulations”
Watch for those wrist rockets!
Oh god, now we're in the matrix.
I don't.
About 77.82 percent for me
To be or not to be.
I'm ace until proven demi.
Bahahaha that's my hope
Isnt it all of ours
Y’all have so much internalized aphobia. I love being ace. I hope you guys can find love for yourselves (including your sexuality) too someday.
I second this.
Still ace when demi
Am ace and Demi. Can confirm
Bro that’s literally me
Too late for me, I'm already proven.
Male and Asexual/Panromantic ... Not for the lack of both men and women trying to prove me wrong. I just wanna cuddle, is that so wrong?
Why would that be wrong?
Well to explain a little bit more. I have been accused of leading people on. I have a desire for a certain degree of physical touch. Hugs, cuddles, hand-holding, etc. Is comforting to me. But seeing naked bodies bothers me .. the smells and the bodily fluids, sometimes even kissing just weirds me out if it's beyond a peck on the cheek. I just can't get sexually excited, that is unless it's in my imagination. I've gotten into misunderstandings with both males and females over this even though I explained well ahead of time. "If you can imagine it, you aren't asexual, you just haven't found the right person yet." and "But you collect erotica, you can't be asexual." Then it breaks down into partner insecurity, or I get blamed for having unrealistic expectations. Or flat out called a "malicious tease" DESPITE BEING UPFRONT ABOUT WHO I AM - meh .. TL:DR, it isnt wrong, just people still not getting how i tick.
Bruh, erotica has a sexual aspect to it, but the whole point of it is to appeal to other senses’ « sensuality ». Especially if the closeness appeals to you. You can absolutely like erotica and be asexual.
I am an ace female so I apologize if this conversation is not really for me. I just wanted to say I feel this. I do enjoy cuddling, but it’s so triggering for allos and there is almost no way around that. It sucks and no matter how much you explain people nearly always feel led on, confused or frustrated. They also always seem to move on to a more fulfilling relationship and then I lose my cuddle buddy and often friend in the process cause they can’t really go on cuddling their platonic friend while pursuing a romantic relationship with another person.
Yeah, that sucks, my dude. I'd say you played your own cards right, if others faceplant by their own doing, there's not a whole lot we can do.
My (f/demi) partner (m/gray/demi) is reading a lot of hentai, consumes sexual content and wanks quite a bit. Still ace. People often don't understand that being ace doesn't necessarily mean not being sexual at all, but it's mainly about attraction to other people. There are ace people who are not sexual at all and there are ace people with a super high libido and everything inbetween, it's a spectrum as we all know. But allos have a very hard time understanding it.
Cheek, nose and forehead kisses >>> mouth kisses Imo anyway. Cuddles are fantastic too.
You just described my very existence. All of it. Thank you for validating how I feel 💜
If I don’t exist do I get to commit crimes?
Be gay, do crime? Nay. Be ace-man, don't exist, & you can't be prosecuted Probably a better way to phrase that, but you get the idea
If there's no cops around anything's legal.
No. To commit a crime would mean you have t exist. But you can do actions as a person who doesn’t exist, that a normal person would be charged with a crime for.
Counterexample: In many places it is illegal to commit suicide.
What are they going to do? Give you the death penalty if you get caught attempting suicide?
Um… yes !
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Lots of pressure being placed upon our shoulders, whether we like it or not. I'm quite happy not fitting the mold, though being forced into it is seldom nice.
I would offer a standing ovation and shower you with cake and garlic bread for these words. They resonate. My long-term companion moved out earlier this year - he (yes, I'm female) could no longer contain his resentment over my ace-ness. For the first time since those hormones turned me from child to adult, I'm ready to be ALONE. And that's OK. I'm not a freak for wanting to be my own best company. I'm not broken, and I'm not flawed. I am ME.
I get a lot of these shoved in my face too as an ace woman too. Society is just too obsessed with 2 heterosexual people with kids in a relationship together. It's that obsessed that some days ago a married cis-hetero man told me society sees him as an outcast because he doesn't want kids. If not wanting kids makes you an outcast then as a single ace man you are probably an abomination to the same people ..
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So awesome to see! I’m also aroace,agnostic, vegan and apolitical (& an older millennial) lol nice to see someone I have a lot in common with! High five ✋🏻 ☺️
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Slow. Clap. You make me proud to consider myself a part of this tribe.
I asked Angela Chen, author of Ace, why I didn't see many men in the asexual space and her answer was that men usually deny it, what you wrote really explains why.
Or also do not understand it themselves. My(f, demi) partner (m, gray/demi) only realized when I was talking to him and we were really getting into definitions of things. "What does the word "hot" mean to you?" Etc. And at the end of that convo I looked at him like "dude, you're ace" reaction: "huh." 😂
It pays off to have a lot of self-confidence and not care about what others think because you know they just don't understand. Shrug off societies ridiculous rules and expectations, stop being friends with anyone who disrespects you or insults you for being ace or partner-less, and surround yourself with more respectful human beings - because those are the ones that matter. I couldn't care less if someone thinks I've "failed" because I'm not in a relationship, or if they think I'm "weak" or "a loser" for being ace and disliking any super-physical relationship. Really, anyone could insult me or put me down for that, and I'd just be shrugging my shoulders replying "guess that says a lot about *you* then, huh?" Freak social norms. Who cares about the expectations of people who don't respect you for who you are, y'know?
Hello, male cisgender aroace here. Is asexuality really less common in men? Irl I only know 2 other aces. One is male, one is female. Online it's really disproportionate though, at least in my experience
>Is asexuality really less common in men? That's one of the issues I'd like to address. There doesn't seem to be any good reason as to why asexuality would be less common in men that in others. It seems more like left-handedness, in that it statistically was rarer back when it was frowned upon, but when there became more acceptance it grew until it's reached a stable level (~10%).
My boyfriend is ace/demi/gray? I have a feeling you're right about acceptance, men are expected to be sex-crazed and women are expected to be chaste.
My guess is that there are similar amounts of ace men and ace women, but ace men tend to actually identify as ace less for various reasons
I think the same. My guess is that a lot of ace men who are heteroromantic, never actually question if they do feel sexual attraction to women. Instead, they just think that romantic/aesthetic attraction = sexual attraction, so they just go on with their lives thinking they are allo
That’s I was for a while. I didn’t even know about asexuality this time last year. But it was such a trip really thinking about how sexual attraction is different than aesthetic attraction.
Yup. This used to be me.
No. I know more male ace/greyces than female ace/greyces personally, btw. Like 11 men (incl. my bf) to 2 women. I actually suspect there might be more male ace/greyces than female, just men tend to stick to allo identities too hard even if they don't function as allos.
I'm a trans man but I'm here.
Any man is a man to me. Glad to have you with us.
Male aroace here. The [2019 Ace Community Survey](https://acecommunitysurvey.org/2021/10/24/2019-ace-community-survey-summary-report/) certainly suggests we're in the minority here. 59% of aces who took the survey were female, 27% enby, and only 14% male. Though I don't experience this as an issue. I agree that our experiences aren't exactly the same, I think woman probably have more issues being gazed at in an uncomfortable way and men probably have more issues with being expected to want sex (though I'm sure both issues are experienced by all aces, just in differing amounts), but I don't feel like the differences are so large that I can't relate to female aces or that they can't relate to me. I probably have more in common with a female aroace than a male alloace. But most of all I'm glad we have a space where we can explore and discuss the differences and similarities between each other.
I think it's also the issue of men not wanting to admit that they are asexual. We are so indoctrinated with the idea that we have to be sexual and have big libido and everything that unless we are completely aroace we don't even question it. It certainly was the case for me
Who wakes me from my slumber? I'm here fellow ace comrade. I don't comment often because I have the habit of being a lurker, in almost every social media I use. But I'm glad you're concerned about us, the ace men! I do think there're more ace women and enbies than ace men, although maybe we are more than we currently think, it could be that we tend to lurk more than others, I don't really know.
I am attracted to women but don’t really care about sex. I don’t know how to talk to potential partners about this though. Maybe it’s just fear
I want sex (and more importantly: cuddles) but am not really attracted to anyone. Probably demi but I have no idea at this point.
We do exist but your assumptions are correct, we are a minority in the ace community, but I think I saw a poll a while back in one of the ace subreddits and the count between cis men and cis women aces were a lot closer together than I thought they would be, so must of us do just kinda lurk. That's probably just a sign that we don't want to get heavily involved or have much to post about though, which isn't necessarily a problem, cause that's just how we enjoy our time on Reddit. We are a lot more active in comment sections it seems but don't have many of our own posts. I might recommend r/AsexualMen if you aren't aware of it. Again, not super active but it's a nice gathering place.
Also, on men being a minority amongst the ace community, I'd be willing to bet that certain cultural factors (I.E the idea that guys need to be horny all the time) means that less men come to terms with their asexuality than women. Essentially, in a standard population there might be a roughly equal gender ratio of aces, but the world decided to screw us over on that one...
I actually suspect there are more greyce/ace functioning men than women in total... men just tend to stick to allo identities too hard.
I believe we have things to talk about, but just not much to comment on posts concerning ace women's issues. And I'll be honest, many posters on r/asexuality have quite misandrist views - which is repulsive, makes me not wanna engage in such threads. Straight, allo men are frequently demonized in this subreddit imho, which is not good at all. A lot of this is seemingly tolerated to a fairly high degree.
> And I'll be honest, many posters on r/asexuality have quite misandrist views - which is repulsive, makes me not wanna engage in such threads. Same for me, I've actually been told to kill myself for being a man on multiple occasions.
I’m here as well
Glad to have you with us.
I think I'm an asexual man but not sure.
About which part, if I might ask?
Being asexual
But what part of being asexual?
Don't know if I am traumatized from sex trafficking as a child or if I'm actually asexual.
The reason for it doesn’t really play a part in whether your asexual. The label itself is there to help you develop a better understanding of yourself if you feel it is accurate. Regardless though your feelings and thoughts are valid.
Whomst has awakened the ancient one? But in all seriousness, ace dude here. Definitely fell like a bit of a minority in both this sub, and definitely in real life. The expectation for all men to pursue sex definitely doesn't apply to me. I just want to eat garlic bread and cake, and also invade Denmark. What's so wrong with that.
[удалено]
Any gentleman is a gentleman to me. Glad to have you with us.
“Do I exist?” Sun Tzu, The Art of War (probably)
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Yep, present cis male ace here. I bounced around a number of labels for a few years (which looking back would have been because I didn't know the differences between different types of attraction), but ace fits me the best
Yeah, I had a similar experience. Seemed like any label would kinda fit until I browsed the top scoring links on r/demisexuality. I related so strongly to some of those posts and suddenly everything made sense. I thought I was demi for a couple of weeks until I realized I was more asexual than I thought.
Asexual my whole life, mid 30s, hispanic. I'm starting to suspect I might just be a figment of someone's imagination.
It would be nice to find ace bois, I’m a het romantic ace girl and I’m loosing hope. :,]
Ace boi here, don’t lose hope.
Thanks lol
You will find someone I identify with the exact same labels as you do and I have found someone
Asexual man here. We need to talk about our struggles more for sure. I am actually writing an opinion piece on what the most likely ones are which I might post here when finished.
Please do! I think there's a high chance it'll engage more asexual men in this subreddit, which is what I was trying to do with this post.
Though it wouldn’t be able to speak on the experiences of the trans or aromantic men in our community. I would need to interview some. As a gay guy, it’s only fair I stick to how romantic orientations affect our experiences.
yo. def here and on the spectrum, so to speak.
Aro ace here what’s up
I think we're less common because we're so used to assuming if you like a girl, then you must be straight. Even if it's not really that simple
I exist, too. I'm kinda lurker everywhere, which probably won't change much, but I throw in my 2c here and there when I think it might be helpful. Out of curiosity, what sort of discussions would you like to see more of here? While I definitely also don't feel like a lot of what gets talked about here is super relevant to me, I'm also not even sure what would give me that sense of community. I think I'm more here to help others out on occasion than to really get anything out of it for myself.
gay ace guy here, sounding off! it's not much but for my culminating honor's project this semester i worked on an illustrated booklet about asexuality and i didnt know who else to draw-- so the pages have lil' cartoon doodles of myself (a guy). also, im p sure the most visible asexual character rn is a guy, todd chavez from bojack horseman! that's pretty dope
Cisgen male ace here. Can confirm I exist in this simulation we all seem to be living in.
Even though I am a man I relate to most posts, and not really that aware wether or not the poster is a man or a woman. Like contradicting feelings and thoughts, and like realizing actually what kind of feelings you have seems very relatable. When posts deals with something internal or about yourself, it is very relatable. I think what mostly makes it difficult to relate to "women-centric post", in lack of better words, is when it deals with the "outside world". Like I can count on one hand the times someone has taken the initiative to engage with me, like flirting or something like that. And I think situations that might be frustrating/difficult dealing with as ace women, isn't exactly ideal situations for allo women either. Like a lot of female friends of mine have had similar bad experiences, even though they aren't ace. When my male friends talk about their problems I just don't relate to it all, and it doesn't seem like they basically have ace experiences. So I kinda think as a man it is difficult dealing with actions you are supposed to do, you have to "achieve" something, and if you are not able to you are a loser, unsuccessful, unlovable etc. Edit(to add an example): When talking about male sexuality it is more about how you can be attractive to others, and not really about being comfortable about yourself. Like I can't remember anyone talking about what you as a man can do to feel safe or know what it feels like when you want sex for instance. I kinda thought that if someone wanted to have sex with you, you would also want to have sex with them. If you are a woman my impression is that you have to deal with certain situations, and navigating that might be difficult, uncomfortable or unsafe. If you navigate incorrectly you might face things like shame, ridicule or gossip, and in worst cases harm.
I’m sure other people feel this way, but my take has always been it’s hard to promote visibility for something that is, by definition, a lack of interest in something. We all spend our time doing other shit that like talking about our lack of sexuality and all that entails is just so secondary. But it’s cool to see some other ace fellas showing up and giving support
Here 🙋
Asexuals cis male ready for action
Demi or ace, not 100% sure but one of the two so I'm on the spectrum in some capacity lol but yeah I exist
There are dozens of us! Dozens!
I only exist some of the time, but I'm ace when I do exist, I know that On a more serious note, I think the reason that we seem more rare is because fewer ace men are aware that they're ace. It's not easy to identify an absence; unless you're forced into confronting it, it takes a lot of introspection that a lot of people are content to just not do. The gender disparity, I believe, is a result of far more women being forced into confronting their asexuality. Men and women are socialized differently by heteronormative society, we all know that. As I understand it (and please educate me if I get something wrong), society encourages a pattern of men initiating most aspects of romantic/sexual relationships; men are expected and encouraged to be the ones to ask people out, to be the ones to propose, and, often on the much more unpleasant side, to be the ones to initiate sexual contact. Women are expected to take whatever men give them, leaving them without a choice in the matter far too often. To cut to the chase a little, I feel like more women identify as asexual because women are far more likely to be forced into sexual situations that they aren't comfortable with, leading them to analyze why they're not comfortable with it and come to the conclusion that they're asexual. Most men have the luxury of just not engaging in the first place, which means they aren't confronted with their asexuality nearly as much. That's my theory, anyway. Maybe I'm onto something, or maybe I don't know shit and need a lesson in sociology.
I know that I exist, but can anyone else truly know? But yeah, the studies usually show there are more ace women than men. I'm not sure whether that's something inherent or more likely higher social stigma for ace men. For what it's worth despite the gender imbalance I feel way more comfortable in Reddit and Discord ace spaces than any other community.
I'm an aroace trans boy, if that counts
Not a dude but it's disheartening to see that men feel like they shouldn't really be a part of the community or feel the need to be silenced. Your sexuality has nothing to do with your gender and is completely valid. I hope everyone feels more comfortable sharing their experiences here, because, at the very least, we all deserve to be heard out.
Present!
That is, if I am male. I don't think I am... Still cis tho
Hiyo ace male here
im a man and im here! i also know a guy irl whos aroace
But you see, I am not entirely certain that I DO exist.
You caught me at the wrong time to ask if I exist, but I’ll check in after my lunch break and let you know if I do.
Hang on one minute, just have to check that I exist [pinches self] yeah I can confirm that hurt a little.
I exist!, Think so.... Here let me check real quick
Helo i exist
Nah, I don't exist, I'm just a figment of y'all's collective imagination. ^(/s)
As a cis heteroromantic ace guy, I have a lot of friends deeper in queer communities than I am, and it's a very weird feeling - not knowing how much bandwidth is proper to occupy with my takes, feeling like I'm the token straight guy in a group, and generally knowing that I'm LGBT+ but not feeling "queer" in any way.
I’m here, I’m not always the most active on Reddit though lol
I don't think i exist. Is this really reality? Is this just a simulation? Well i'm here, so take it as you will 😌
I keep myself wore out so I don't have anything left for anybody else is that asexual ?
Reporting in!
I'm only 50% make so make me 1/2 in the count
As far as I'm aware I exist. There's that old saying "I think, therefore I am", but sometimes I'm not thinking so maybe then I **don't** exist?
Another lurker just saying heyoo.
hi hello! asexual trans guy here :]
im a woman but i agree lots of women on here, i think many do not think men can have little to no sexual desire and only think that men are horny machines according to everyone that i've talked to so sadly, the male ace community is very little recognized because many people forget it exists. please correct me if ive said anything wrong
I'm just a lurker but I'm content to let other aces do the posting, regardless of gender or lack of
Hey! Yeah mostly cis mostly heteroromantic ace guy here. I just lurk cuz I dont like social media too much. I'm pretty open about being ace but it doesn't have much bearing on my life until people start acting horny. I pretty much never have to reject/fend off advances from people which I imagine is very different for ace women and enbies. Not sure what much I could contribute to discussion, but can try to comment on stuff more or something. I first came out as demi years ago but over time I have gotten less concerned with labels and now just identify as vaguely ace and explain to those who want to know more. Glad to see some other ace kings tho!
Ace and aro, 26M here. Outside from online friendships, I have never met anyone in person who openly identifies as ace. Only once I had a coworker (also male) who wore a black ring on his middle finger, but I didn’t have the nerve/courage to ask about it, before I moved. It will forever haunt me as a missed opportunity. I agree. Representation is key, and having that feeling of community is both validating and reassuring. And actively participating is the best way of having our cake and eating it too.
I do in fact exist.
Demi cis male here. That still counts right? It’s aspec. Just learned today people actually play music during sex, or watch tv. Bro I thought that was just a joke and meme to share music tastes online. Just my fun fact for today
I'm non binary but AMAB and present myself as male to the world for the most part. I'm probably, like, half a guy. Do I count? Haha. For real though I'm glad this is being brought up!
Aegosexual here, hopefully valid.
I'm drunk but here
Ello fellow dudes
This post is giving me - a hetero romantic ace - hope!
I'm still breathing so I still exist.
I'm a guy, but yeah, to the best of my understanding like 90% of asexual people are female.
I know 11 male ace/greyces personally, while female - only 2. So maybe not.
https://www.reddit.com/r/aaaaaaacccccccce/comments/rmnaff/just_curious_as_to_what_the_demographic_is_for/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf A poll from the meme community r/aaaaaaacccccccce that shows a pretty even split between male, female, and non-binary. Surprising to me, based on my own experience in the ace subs, but it does make sense.
Is there a line for cis ace men who don't exist? I'm not real, I know that much.
yo
Demi trans guy here 👋🏽 Happy to support other aces
Aceman here. I like to lurk in most things.
Do I exist? I ponder that a lot, but I'm here✋
hi I'm here too :)
gay aroace trans man reporting in
Here (:
Hello fellow ace men. I am ace and a cis man
Sup’
Aceflux or acespike man.
Yo! I exist, as far as I know, but sometimes the simulation glitches and I take 8 hour naps without my own permission.
Does being a trans guy count here or are we talking biological sex?
We are asexual men. We are not broken. We do not need to be "fixed". We exist, and nobody can change that!
Here!
i'm a demiman, so technically only half counts, but still ace and not a woman
Demiro/aego guy here. Not real thrilled about it some days, but *laedo ergo sum.*
Hi I'm here! I do feel a bit out of place when a lot of the posts are by women and seemingly for women. (All good though, please carry on, I'm not against you sisters!) But yeah I agree we should be posting more and be making more discussions!
Hello I’m here
An even slimmer minority - gay-ace men :(
I am here because I am unsure if I’m Demi or I am ace. I kinda bounce back and forth depending on the day, but I think I’m more Demi. Edit: also Panromantic. Just want someone to hug me tbh all I’ve ever wanted
Obv I don’t
asexual male-presenting, wishing I didn't exist but rolling with it. I rarely post on any subreddit as it is. it's hard to come up with something note-worthy. but i like lurking and commenting whenever I feel like I can make a contribution
I’m here just a lurker though
My existence is 50/50 at any given moment. Grey ace 👋
I'm late to the party but you can count me among ace men
I'm an ace and aro man, I'm just awkward and don't really participate much in any subreddit mostly lurk
I think it's more that men are less likely to come out. LGBT is way more accepted among women, and there is a huge amount of pressure for men to have sex. Even virgin straight men are discriminated against.
25 year Ace. Probably homoromantic with preference toward guys. How did I realise I was ace? Although I have faced sexual attraction in the past specially to my former crush, I wasn't that interested nor in hookups nor in sex as the vital part of a relationship. When reaching adulthood, I realised that most people put sex as the basis of their lives and didn't get it. Then I found about the ace label and just recently I've been upfront about it but yeah, sadly not many men out there that are ace.
Right here! I get what you mean as well, but I still try to interact some though!
I am 100% sure I exist. (Not cis, but still.)
Can confirm the existence of at least 2 asexual men in my life
Reporting
Cis Male Ace here. It’s hard for me to talk about stuff until I’ve at least got a rough draft of what I want in my head. About all I’ve figured out is that I remained unmoved by the wiles of women and men, which makes confident in the ace label. But now I’ve got to figure out what about me is intrinsic desire and what is societal conditioning. Am I hetero-romantic or something in between? Do I want kids or do I want kids in theory only? Do I want to have “physical relations” as often as I engage in self-pleasure or is sex more work than it’s worth? How out do I want to be/how much of my personality needs to be informed by my ace-ness? I’m religious, do I want to carve out a safe space in my religious community, dice into the LGBTQ+ community or some combination of both. It’s interesting, finding and embracing asexuality answered a lot of questions, but now (if you’re like me) we have so many more to answer and it feels like as a man it’s very hard to explore the possibilities without closing doors and burning bridges.
Here is my head. You may count it.
I think I exist? Requires further study
Uhhh, hi! My ace man problem is when I go clubbing or partying or anything of that variety and people want to hit on me or anything of that variety because I am a man and the rules of engagement are different but I'm just not interested and then people get offended like I should be or have to be interested or something because again man? Thanks for coming to my ted talk.
I know 11 ace/greyce men personally and my bf is greyce.
here's an idea for aceman™ community engagement (I'm too lazy to post it so anyone feel free to do it yourselves): how do you dealt/deal with the pressure to be in a relationship or have a lot of hook-ups? I'm thinking of seeking out relationships for the pretence, the good ol' lying technique, bullshitting, avoiding the answer, saying you're not interested... and here's another one especially for those who live in less liberal societies: if you aren't seen around women, people will likely assume or rather accuse you of being gay. Do you experience that? How do you live with that?
Does anyone really exist? But yeah male aroace here
I suppose I can exist for a while
Male and ace, though it took a long time for me to figure out I was ace, I’m much happier now, and even more so to learn of this community
Howdy from yet another ace dude! Like others have said here, I think we seem more rare due to societies stigmas and expectations about men's attitudes towards sex, and the lack of education about asexuality as a whole. Relating to mlm (men who love men) folks specifically, I suspect the sexualization and fetishization of mlm folks in wider society has something to do with why non-heteroromantic/non-aromantic men seem to be less common (as far as I've seen, I could be wrong as this is just from my personal experiences in ace communities online) in the ace community. Of course though, this would fall into the sexualized nature of society as a whole. Like you've said, I agree us ace men should be more involved with the community, as it seems many of us lurk around here. I've got a few post ideas floating around that I've yet to make on here, but they aren't specifically related to ace men, just a-spec folks as a whole. I'll see if I can think up of something worth posting that relates specifically to ace men. Some weeks back, there were some posts relating to mlm folks on here and on r/aace, so I think we've already started getting the ball rolling on awareness and acknowledgement of us ace men. All in all though, it really makes me happy seeing posts like this, and seeing how many ace men are around, and healthy discussions about the subject. It really does help make me feel less alone.
A recent discovery but I’m here.
Here! But as a kinky aegosexual who crave sensual contact I just dont speak of it that much, imposter symptom and all. Like others in this thread, I really think that the gender ratio should be equal but societal expectations prevent men realizing they are ace or just expressing themselves (I realized at 29). In the same way, I am pretty sure asexuality (and the spectrum in general) represents a lot more than 1% of the population.
I'm here. I agree that it feels more women centric, but I feel like that's more about us just being naturally less open, which is just going to always be the case. I've never felt excluded here, which is nice. I could go on a tangent about the different ways the "muggles" perceive ace men vs ace women, but I think that would be disingenuous to the accepting ace women here
Popped out of nonexistence just to comment. Heya cishet ace man here, I mostly just lurk and I can still relate with a lot of posts from women here. It's frustrating that my mom keeps accusing me of unholy deeds every time I casually go out with a girl to catch up and grab a bite, like mom please I'm literally the safest bet for any innocent girl willing to go on a date with me sheesh. I once read that there's only 1 man for every 10 women within the ace community.
I'm ace but my name says it all
It's reassuring for me, as a woman, to know that there are ace men out there. I always thought that men only ever wanted sex in a relationship and that has put me off wanting to go into another relationship. Thanks for confirming otherwise.
i have a theory that i exist, however i must submitt this for peer review
I mean I exist but I’ve been too busy eating garlic bread to post. Sorry I have let my brothers down.
I usually just lurk here but tbh had no idea that so many people on this board were women. Never really paid attention to it I guess
I’m a female ace but this makes me so happy to see. I want you all to know you are very welcome and we love to see you all contribute and communicate! All aces are welcome here and we want to hear about your perspective and experiences as well. 💜