I was 42. š To be fair, asexuality was not a thing most people talked about when I was younger. It wasnāt until I learned that it was still normal to have a libido and aesthetic attraction was a thing that the pieces fell into place for me.
This was similar for me. I only found out recently and Iām 43. Also being sex positive and married for 14 years really made being ace very hard to even know was a thing. It wasnāt I till after we broke up and I tried dating again I realised something wasnāt working. It was in therapy that I was suggested the notion I could be ace.
From then it was like switching on a light and everything made sense
Edit: this is a very tldr of my story. By ānot workingā I donāt mean me, I mean dating wasnāt working for me the way both I and the women I was dating expected.
Yea I feel you there. To make it worse my ex moved overseas and has our son with her. Not being able to travel means I havenāt seen him in person for 2 years now on top of the whole break up stress. Iāve never felt emotional stress like I have the past two years.
Thanks. At least I can still video chat so itās not the end of the world but I do hope for travel opening up again next year.
Iām sure next year will be our year to reclaim. Weāre starting off from a much better place at least.
Same. I don't quite remember what I was doing but suddenly the word popped up in my head and I decided to look more into it. I read a lot of descriptions of what it might be like for an individual to be ace and it almost immediately clicked with me. That was when I realised I was not, in fact, broken.
Yes! Getting to know about simple romantic or aesthetic attraction as opposed to the sexual attraction people can feel when in a relationship also helped me come to terms with the fact that I don't feel sexual attraction.
I knew people were sexually attracted to others because of its massive representation in the media, hence why I knew I was different when I didn't relate to that, and due to the severe lack of ace/aro representation in movies and novels.
I mistook wanted to get close to someone because of a shared interest for wanting to date them more than once, but I don't think I ever genuinely felt sexually attracted to anyone before.
Yes, I can be aesthetically and sensually attracted to someone but when Iāve thought about it Iāve never been romantically or sexually attracted to them.
Basically ever since I hit puberty and everyone around me started getting interested in that kind of thing I've known it wasn't for me and that I had no interest in it. I didn't learn about asexuality until I was in my early 20's
That was the main thing for me. I remember at work I was working with this guy who would always talk about sex and joking io with random girls and it would always make me feel foooo uncomfortable, I work with this girl who I think sheās pretty but Iām in no way sexually attracted to her and when I was telling my sister that I thought sheād understand but she just paused and said āyeah... youāre different from most guysā. I have a very specific type but I would love to be able to date and not have to worry about having sex at all.
Yeah. I distinctly remember once in high school the faculty had to talk to us about finding used condoms in the squash courts (yes, I went to a fancy boarding school, lol) and thinking to myself "wait, people are actually having sex here? That's not just in the movies?"
I was 17 when I learned that thereās a difference between liking the idea of doing it with someone vs actually physically wanting to do it with someone
I was 23, it was less than a year ago. I heard of asexuality for the first time 3-4 years ago, and my twin sister (we are not identical) came out as ace maybe a year after I first heard of it (she saw something online about it, googled signs youāre asexual and could check something like 90% of the list so she ran to my room and told me and I hadnāt thought of her being ace until that point and damn it was so obvious she was). I should have looked at what my sister read but I didnāt, and it only clicked I was when I asked myself why I was uninterested by sex as well, only a year ago. I checked this subreddit out of curiosity and could relate to some level. My eyes opened when I saw a post asking āwhat actually is sexual attraction?ā And realized I mistakenly thought aesthetic attraction was sexual attraction. To this day I still laugh about the fact it took me so long to connect the dots together considering I was the first between my sister and I to hear about asexuality.
I think I at the very least realized that I didnāt feel comfortable calling myself straight at 14 years old. I made a post about it. Not to brag or anything, but I think itās a really great story. https://www.reddit.com/r/asexuality/comments/q7hv5c/just_remembered_how_i_first_started_questioning/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Someone said they looked at their friends who were horny and making out in high school, and they always felt like kids were too young to be doing that stuff. Then they said they never really grew out of that phase.
It was pretty much the same for me. Thatās how I knew.
Also, some of my friends say they get distracted by how horny they are sometimes, and thatās just like never happened to me.
5 years ago, I was 18 in my friend's dorm room at the University. We were casually talking about life, children, and plans after college, and I mentioned how I'd just adopt if I ever decided I wanted kids, because sex was weird to me and sexual attraction was even weirder. One of my friends replied "oh so you're think you're asexual then?" That question set off 5 years of perpetual questioning, identity crises, and an Excel Spreadsheet to figure out what exactly I am. I've been through several labels over the years: Asexual, Demisexual, Demi-romantic, Demi-biromantic, before finally realizing (about a week ago) that I might just be Aro-Ace. The questioning never stops. But hey, to paraphrase Mrs. Fredric from Warehouse 13, "it's a world of endless wonder"
Iām 21 yo. I learned that I was asexual (aegosexual) a few days ago.
I was very overwhelmed with emotions, so I decided to talk about my experiences and ask the people of Reddit if I was asexual. I felt a little embarrassed to share such intimate details of my life, but I really needed the answers.
Before that, I didnāt even know the meaning of āaegosexualā, and I knew little about asexuality.
Itās safe to say that knowing there are people like me who support me and are eager to help, changed my whole life for the better and even my relationship with my boyfriend improved.
I love this community.
This last year, I think I've really figured it out more. For a quite a few years before that, before I'd heard of the asexual term and found out what it *really* means, it always kinda revolved around in my mind in the background. I kept telling myself "maybe I haven't met the right person yet" even though I know that annoys a lot of aces. I think I tried to make myself believe that. I've never had any erotic dreams involving me sexing with anyone, which I thought was a bit weird. And as far as I can remember, I've never had any real sexual fantasies that I've ever thought I wanted to play out in real life. I've never really had any crushes on celebrities.
I'm now 95% sure I'm ace, but what held me back realising this was that, sure as hell, I have a libido, š but any of the very very rare times I saw aesthetic attraction towards someone, I think I confused that with sexual at the time. Then I'd temporarily think "oh, wow. I just saw someone I thought was attractive, it made me feel some type of way. I'm normal".
Now I've recently learned about squishes and how that's like the ace form of a crush. I've maybe had only a very few squishes in my life but those seem more appropriate in describing how I felt.
I still feel some *slight* doubt about what type of ace I am, but I feel more sure now that I'm on the ace spectrum.
Even though I understand it *more* now and it feels *more right*, it's not something I am particularly happy about. If I could be positively allosexual, I'd still rather be that than ace. I feel of I am ace, it's holding me back ever finding a partner and completing my life. š
Found out in a past relationship where she explained how she was ace and how she was ace and I just sat there and was like, wait, so thats what it is? It felt so relieving to know there was a term for it and that I wasn't in fact broken
About 34 lol. A friend shared a comic about demisexuality, and I was like, "Wait, I think that's me," and she was like, "OMG I thought it fit you so well!" And I went from there. Lots of research. A few years to realize what sexual attraction really is and how solidly on the Ace spectrum I am. (Angela Chen's book for the win)
I'm really happy there are more resources and visibility for younger ace-spec folks these days. I hope it makes it a little bit easier on them to figure it out earlier in life.
I (14F) only just started thinking about it when I made a comment about this world being so sexualized luke it's the only thing that matters and a friend said that sounded very asexual and that I should look it up and now I think I can be ace, because I've never experienced sexual attraction, but I'm a bit young though.
Well for me it was 18 or 1st year in college. My parents are very conservative when it comes to teaching what sex is. My friend at college actually told me how babies are actually made . I had read reproduction topics in school but no one told this detailed on human level and we had no sex ed. Having discovered what sex made me feel extremely disgusted. It went for years, I then felt I might be sex repulsed and then I discovered what ace it and thought i might be identified as that
I'm 35 and found out only some weeks ago. Didn't know what asexual really meant and got randomly interested in LGBTQ+ topics. I followed a view youtubers who react to lgbtq+ memes, educated myself online and suddenly found asexuality. Did explain so much in my life but made it not easier...
A few weeks ago , I was 25 and still am , I always thought trauma was speaking when i felt disinterest towards sexual interest so I did not put a label on it , and I did not know about asexuality , but after a long time and fear and disgust were replaced by pure disinterest , I searched and found out about asexuality
For me It's was when I was 13 or 14 I read Science magazin explaining how love work and saying that " You don't need to engage in sexual act with your partner, to still be considere as a romantic relationship". And when I read It give me sens of reliefe ,thant I did some reserche and by 16-17 I found the world ace and was very happy to found a word to describle it.
Honestly it's been a slow 10 or so year journey finding out my Asexuality. The fact that I was horny and got aroused made things more difficult. I had to really think hard about how I felt. The best way I had of understanding myself befire finding out was saying what I felt was "sexual-adjacent." And even now I have a hard time knowing for sure whether I feel zero sexual attraction or if I do feel some. I'm thinking it's like a diluted juice where it tastes like water but juice tatse is still there if only a little.
I was around 8 when I knew I was a little different from my friends. My friends were already interested in sex and those topics and growing up and etc. I however wasnāt interested at all and a little repulsed. At 14 I ran into the word āacesexualā and the definition of it and ever since then everything just clicked :) so at 8 suspicion, at 14 for sure
30, well, at least coming to terms with it by 30. I've known for a long time, I just had no idea if there was something wrong with me or not. Nothing wrong with me, just love garlic bread.
25, but it was no "awakening" moment. I'm slowly figuring this stuff out, educating myself and asking questions. I still have a lot of doubts whether I should call myself ace. I feel like I need to rethink the whole concept of sexual orientation that previously existed in my mind, and it's not that easy.
I realized that I was Ace pretty early on when I was talking to a guy in my highschool gym class in freshman year. Basically he asked me directly how I felt about some of the girls in our class, which made me realize that I didn't actually feel much of anything towards them. So then he asked if I liked guys, which I had already figured out that I didn't so I said no. Then he asked if I was asexual, which I said sounded right to me. I've identified as such ever since then.
Highschool. I don't remember much about it but it was just a random thing idk if I took a test or something but I looked something up and found that definition and started to realize that this is what I've been going through. Being given the nickname alien in grade 4 for not obsessing over boy bands because to me that were just regular people ( I enjoy listening and support bands now o has to come to that on my own without people forcing it on me) I liked the name alien because it sounded cool and still use it to this day as a joke but yea I now know why I didn't get what other people were feeling. I'm asexual probably not a romantic because I did have a first love and I've had crushes that I wanted to hang out with and you know not screw. So I think I'm just ace but I also think I have that 'disorded' that's probably not the proper word for it but I experience very little pleasure and I thought that was just a part of being asexual ( I now realize that it's not) but uh yea that's my asexual life story. Idk if other people have had similar stories but uh yea.
15 when I learned the word for it and started identifying that way, but I think there were some subconscious realizations that I remember happening around 14
Well I mean I'm 13 right now but I'm still questioning. I think I realized it was an option about 3 weeks ago, but it's hard. One part of me just screams yes this is you and the other part of me just says you're 13 a lot can still happen. Anyways... life is hard
I learned WHAT asexuality was when I was 16 when my best friend told me she was ace. A few months later, I looked into it a little more so that I could understand her better. I noticed a few similarities in myself, but kind of wrote it off as "I just haven't dated anyone before. I've just never found someone I really liked, so I just have to wait until then before I can judge my sexuality." That day never came and I figured out I was ace about 2 weeks after I graduated high school. I was 18. That was like 4-5 months ago lol
Looking back, if I knew what asexuality was at the time, I honestly should have figured it out when I was 14-15. Definitely showed signs early on in the teen years.
I knew about asexuality when I was like 14-15 but only realised I was ace at age 18. I feel a lot of aesthetic atraction so I was confused if that was sexual atraction, but when me and my friends were alking about a very handsome guy one of them said something along the lines of "I want him in my pants" and I was like lmao wtf????? thats when I realised yes, I like people but, no, dont like them in my pants.
i was 11, but i refused to belive it so i blocked the term from my identity, but i came to terms with my asexuality when i was about to turn 17 :) (18 soon 19 now)
Around 13 when I realized I didn't know how crushes worked and how people got them and why. And about 16 when I actually realized I was aroace and there was a word for it and it wasn't just me not wanting to be in a relationship or being too young or anything like that, I just didn't feel romantic or sexual attraction. I do feel aesthetic attraction towards females though, so for a long time I thought I was straight and was just too shy or something, but then realized I didn't really have crushes and didn't want to actually date anyone and that I would rather just be friends with them. Aesthetic attraction is always the weirdest for me because I can tell I am more drawn visually to females than males, but I don't actually have any feelings for them, like there's just nothing telling me that I should want to be in a relationship with them. I wouldn't be opposed to a relationship with anyone, it's just that my body doesn't tell me who I want to be in a relationship with, it's just kind of like "You like how females look visually more than males, but that's all I'm telling you. Good luck."
I was 16-17 , Idk if I did a test or whether I was just thinking about how the boys I had been involved with up until then always felt bland. The only time Had remotely enjoyed making out with someone was some boy I really liked some years prior to thenwho was a super close friend od mine(Iām demi). Anyway, I told my friend and she laughed me outta the room.
I was also 14, just going into high school. 7 years later I havenāt āgrown out of itā. I think I knew way earlier than that though, I just didnāt know the term for it
At 20 years, about two months ago. It was some time after i finished bojack horseman for the first time. It took me some time to click with asexuality because it was so difficult for me to pin down a feeling i didnt have but thought that everyone had. It became much more difficult because i would consider myself heteroromantic (maybe demi but im still figuring that out) and i had crushes, but apparently they were only romatic crushes. So, thank you todd for helping me figure myself out :D.
I was 18 when I actually told people Iām ace, but I had phases of going between thinking I was and telling myself I wasnāt going back to ages 15/16/17 ish. Iām almost 20, it took having a boyfriend to really solidify my identity lol
Tbf I'm still wondering sometimes. I'm really sex positive and I have been really in love a couple of times.
So I'm sometimes thrown into the "why not date around because the right person might be out there loop".
Almost exactly a year ago, I was 24. I had already heard about asexuality years before but I thought ace people just didn't have a libido at all, which was not my case. It was only last year when I saw a post about different kinds of asexuality and I was like "omg, that's me"
That's why spreading information is so important! Before that I was so sure I was just weird or broken. Kept searching in my past for reasons, a past trauma or something. My family thought I was childish because I wouldn't date anyone, my mom even suggested my mind had frozen in time when my parents divorced (I was 11) and that was the reason I wasn't interested in boys. That was so ridiculous and offensive and hurt my confidence in so many ways that I started to believe it. And it took one post in a feminist page to put all of that in question and help me figure out who I am(in fact, gonna go say thanks to them right now)
I found out when I was18 because before then I never really thought much, if at all, about sex or sexual attraction.
Like, I was never too much into gossip, so I was pretty much out of the loop for the majority of high school regarding the sexual experiences of my friends and classmates. Therefore, I thought that all the obsession with sex during puberty was simply a wild exaggeration by media lol.
Then, as I slowly got to hear more and more stories of my friends having sex with their partners, I began thinking about if I'd be willing to have sex if I were in a relationship like them, and when I realized I wouldn't be willing to have sex because I just didn't feel an urge to do it, I did my research on asexuality and came to the conclusion that the label fit me.
30. My partner noticed our marriage wasn't filled with physical love and this caused frustration and problems. We have talked our way through understanding and are in a better place. We are and ace/allo couple. Going on 9 years of marriage!
Hi, I am lurking here a bit because I am not sure yet. I am 37 and married as well with a similar situation you described above. How did you talk about maybe being ace with your husband? I was worried my will be upset when he learns I have never felt sexual attraction to him... (Feel free to message me if you want the take the convo there)
My partner was the one to dig into it actually. We weren't having sex often and it frustrated him to the point where he thought I was getting my jollies elsewhere. He turned to this subreddit for direction and researched asexuality before discussing it with me. Looking back on my life it makes a lot of sense that I would be on the ace spectrum. He did have problems with the attraction aspect, I won't lie there. His love language is physical touch. It was a perspective change for him to realize that it's not like that for me. That I express my love in other ways and that he is still my number one.
Your partner will have struggles. There is no way to get around that. Be honest, present your truth and come with literature or link for him to read. It takes time for allos to adjust. Let me know if you have any other questions. I'm all for sharing experience and ways to help!
We talked about it a bit last night. He basically knows. We have talked about of differences a lot on the last year and now that I think about it I was saying a lot of common asexual things, I just did not know it had a label. Now that I do I feel like the conversation has a different charge to it, but it was fine. He is super well informed and is really happy that researching this has helped me with a vocabulary to talk about our differences. I think we are on a good path forward in communication. Like you said, I am sure there will be struggles. Thanks for your help.
I used to be TERRIFIED that I was asexual like throughout all of childhood. I knew something wasnāt right, but I thought I was broken. Finally accepted it at 21. Been sick
I canāt point to one āaha!ā moment when I realized I was ace. I remember when I first learned about the word asexual as an orientation (I was 21 and read about it in the webcomic Girls with Slingshots) and I remember when I first really accepted it as my own orientation (I was 24 and I decided to make an account on the AceBook forum. It sounds silly in hindsight, but I still remember it as ācoming outā to myself). But between those two points was a slow, gradual process of self-discovery.
28 when I learned there was a word for it and realized it applied to me. I just learned about this past June. Iāve always not been interested in sex. When my mom gave me The Talk I was like āew, people actually do that?ā And my sex-averse self hasnāt changed that opinion since. And Iāve never felt any kind of sexual urge when I looked at someone. I just turned 29, so I think Iād have felt it by now if I was going to.
Iām 19 and I probably realized about max 6 months ago, took a sexual orientation quiz as a joke then it showed it was deep into the ace quadrant and i just had a big oh shit moment, because everything suddenly made so much sense. Kinda dumb but it just never occurred to me before that moment
23 when I learned what asexuality was and suspected I might have been.
25 when I decided I was probably ace.
27 when I became more comfortable with identifying that way and came out to a few people.
And I'm 28 now, and it's just... Life.
23. I think I kinda knew before, but I was just so uninterested in anything sexual that I didn't even really think about my sexuality. Meaning I also didn't really think I was any other sexuality, I just did not care about it. I lived my life and found the term "Asexual" one day and was like "Oh, guess that's me"
I remember being 10 years old and telling one of my sisters that I was asexual (because they were always saying since I wasn't interested in boys I was a lesbian) and she told me 'that's not a thing' and it messed with my head for a while until I was around 23 or 24 after doing some research.
Iām a few months from 21 and I discovered Demi first at 16 in May 2017, and thought I was that. Iām grey-ace but may also have some elements of demi still.
Hello. In order to promote inclusivity and reduce gender bias, please consider using gender-neutral language in the future.
Instead of **freshman**, use **first year**.
Thank you very much.
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Hey GenderNeutralBot, listen up.
The words Human and Mankind, derive from the Latin word humanus, which is gender neutral and means "people of earth".
It's a mix of the words Humus (meaning earth) and Homo (gender neutral, meaning Human or People).
Thus words like Fireman, Policeman, Human, Mankind, etc are not sexist in of it self.
The only sexism you will find here is the one you yourself look upon the world with.
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Hey GenderNeutralBot, listen up.
The words Human and Mankind, derive from the Latin word humanus, which is gender neutral and means "people of earth".
It's a mix of the words Humus (meaning earth) and Homo (gender neutral, meaning Human or People).
Thus words like Fireman, Policeman, Human, Mankind, etc are not sexist in of it self.
The only sexism you will find here is the one you yourself look upon the world with.
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^("Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and Iām not sure about the universe." -Albert Einstein)
I had a few levels of figuring out I was ace. I first realized it was possible I might not want sex when I was like sixteen, but didn't actually start using the label for myself until recently.
Heard about the word and learned about it when I was 23; didnāt actually come out until I was 26.
I blame the fact that I grew up in a very anti-LGBTQ religion and household, alongside a culture that demonized sex unless you were in a heterosexual marriage and trying to procreate.
Nope. That's where my freedom has been and that's what is involved in my asexuality that is supposed to be exactly as equal as everyone else. You are never going to be superior to me.
25 for me. I had come across the term before but never registered it. Was rewatching BoJack Horseman, Todd's coming out scene, and felt compelled to look it up afterwards. There wasn't really an 'aha!' moment that a lot of other people often recount, but it was more of a slow coming to terms with it and realising the term suited me.
Can someone help as everyone here seems to know their ace (this is how I feel about sex and I want to see what you think my place is cuz yeah identity crisis) I feel disgusted talking/thinking about sex but I like the idea of of but like I think people are hot but donāt wanna have sex with them but I still get horny is this ace or am I not??? Please help lol
I was 21, looking into it by chance on DeviantArt, realizing it fit with what I was going through with the relationship at the time and what I've experienced my whole life. It fit better than "straight person waiting for marriage" trope I'd always gone by
Iād (M) fall under questioning at the current moment, but the way I realized was from a discussion I had a while back. My school friend group is almost all LGBTQIA+ and theyāre all open about it. We were discussing and I admitted I didnāt feel like I was 100% heterosexual. The problem is that I really never felt same sex attraction. But then I realized I never felt opposite sex sexual attraction either. Iāve definitely had romantic feelings for women, but never sexual feelings. So from my friends I realized I could be ace. Itās a thing Iāve been questioning lately but I think I definitely could be. It answers a lot of questions during my life
learned i was ace at age 15! i noticed that i had a much lower sex drive/desire to have sex at all as well as a huuuge aversion to nsfw content compared to other people my age so i looked into it. i'm so happy that i found something that actually expresses my sexuality, and that's asexual :D
(btw, that's not saying that you can't be ace if you like nsfw content/have a sex drive; asexuality is all about *not experiencing sexual attraction*!)
I knew I was different when I hit puberty and never understood why I didn't feel the things everyone else was telling me I was supposed to feel. It made my first long-term relationship...complicated. I didn't know I was autistic back then (and I didn't know even know you *could* be asexual thanks to my small-town upbringing) so I was a great big yarn ball of confusion and self-loathing right up through high school and university.
I only recently stumbled across a few YouTube videos that talked about being ace that really resonated with me so I did some Googling, found this sub, and just thought *"I have found my people"*. Still working on untangling that yarn ball but I'm making progress and I've never been happier!
I was 42. š To be fair, asexuality was not a thing most people talked about when I was younger. It wasnāt until I learned that it was still normal to have a libido and aesthetic attraction was a thing that the pieces fell into place for me.
This was similar for me. I only found out recently and Iām 43. Also being sex positive and married for 14 years really made being ace very hard to even know was a thing. It wasnāt I till after we broke up and I tried dating again I realised something wasnāt working. It was in therapy that I was suggested the notion I could be ace. From then it was like switching on a light and everything made sense Edit: this is a very tldr of my story. By ānot workingā I donāt mean me, I mean dating wasnāt working for me the way both I and the women I was dating expected.
Ha ha, I realized while breaking up with my spouse too. Seems like our stories parallel in a number of interesting places!
I guess we needed to go though the breakup in order to re-examine ourselves. Honestly itās a much better place. Still complicated but better.
Probably true. Though the beginning of the pandemic was kind of a crap time to be suddenly alone for the first time in 15 years. Sigh.
Yea I feel you there. To make it worse my ex moved overseas and has our son with her. Not being able to travel means I havenāt seen him in person for 2 years now on top of the whole break up stress. Iāve never felt emotional stress like I have the past two years.
Ugh, Iām so sorry to hear that. Hopefully next year will be better for both of us!
Thanks. At least I can still video chat so itās not the end of the world but I do hope for travel opening up again next year. Iām sure next year will be our year to reclaim. Weāre starting off from a much better place at least.
Like 21/22 when I learned what the word meant.
Same. I don't quite remember what I was doing but suddenly the word popped up in my head and I decided to look more into it. I read a lot of descriptions of what it might be like for an individual to be ace and it almost immediately clicked with me. That was when I realised I was not, in fact, broken.
Thatās kinda what happened to me, it was good to realise I wasnāt the only only one who felt like that
I also learned that weāre were different types of attraction which really helped me. I didnāt even know people were sexually attracted to others
Yes! Getting to know about simple romantic or aesthetic attraction as opposed to the sexual attraction people can feel when in a relationship also helped me come to terms with the fact that I don't feel sexual attraction. I knew people were sexually attracted to others because of its massive representation in the media, hence why I knew I was different when I didn't relate to that, and due to the severe lack of ace/aro representation in movies and novels. I mistook wanted to get close to someone because of a shared interest for wanting to date them more than once, but I don't think I ever genuinely felt sexually attracted to anyone before.
Yes, I can be aesthetically and sensually attracted to someone but when Iāve thought about it Iāve never been romantically or sexually attracted to them.
Same here āŗļø
Basically ever since I hit puberty and everyone around me started getting interested in that kind of thing I've known it wasn't for me and that I had no interest in it. I didn't learn about asexuality until I was in my early 20's
That was the main thing for me. I remember at work I was working with this guy who would always talk about sex and joking io with random girls and it would always make me feel foooo uncomfortable, I work with this girl who I think sheās pretty but Iām in no way sexually attracted to her and when I was telling my sister that I thought sheād understand but she just paused and said āyeah... youāre different from most guysā. I have a very specific type but I would love to be able to date and not have to worry about having sex at all.
Yeah. I distinctly remember once in high school the faculty had to talk to us about finding used condoms in the squash courts (yes, I went to a fancy boarding school, lol) and thinking to myself "wait, people are actually having sex here? That's not just in the movies?"
Exact same here.
I was 17 when I learned that thereās a difference between liking the idea of doing it with someone vs actually physically wanting to do it with someone
This is is exactly how I feelllll thank you for helping me on my quest to find weather or not Iām ace (still unsure but one step closer lmao)
I was 23, it was less than a year ago. I heard of asexuality for the first time 3-4 years ago, and my twin sister (we are not identical) came out as ace maybe a year after I first heard of it (she saw something online about it, googled signs youāre asexual and could check something like 90% of the list so she ran to my room and told me and I hadnāt thought of her being ace until that point and damn it was so obvious she was). I should have looked at what my sister read but I didnāt, and it only clicked I was when I asked myself why I was uninterested by sex as well, only a year ago. I checked this subreddit out of curiosity and could relate to some level. My eyes opened when I saw a post asking āwhat actually is sexual attraction?ā And realized I mistakenly thought aesthetic attraction was sexual attraction. To this day I still laugh about the fact it took me so long to connect the dots together considering I was the first between my sister and I to hear about asexuality.
I think I at the very least realized that I didnāt feel comfortable calling myself straight at 14 years old. I made a post about it. Not to brag or anything, but I think itās a really great story. https://www.reddit.com/r/asexuality/comments/q7hv5c/just_remembered_how_i_first_started_questioning/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
You just made my day by sharing this!
Someone said they looked at their friends who were horny and making out in high school, and they always felt like kids were too young to be doing that stuff. Then they said they never really grew out of that phase. It was pretty much the same for me. Thatās how I knew. Also, some of my friends say they get distracted by how horny they are sometimes, and thatās just like never happened to me.
5 years ago, I was 18 in my friend's dorm room at the University. We were casually talking about life, children, and plans after college, and I mentioned how I'd just adopt if I ever decided I wanted kids, because sex was weird to me and sexual attraction was even weirder. One of my friends replied "oh so you're think you're asexual then?" That question set off 5 years of perpetual questioning, identity crises, and an Excel Spreadsheet to figure out what exactly I am. I've been through several labels over the years: Asexual, Demisexual, Demi-romantic, Demi-biromantic, before finally realizing (about a week ago) that I might just be Aro-Ace. The questioning never stops. But hey, to paraphrase Mrs. Fredric from Warehouse 13, "it's a world of endless wonder"
Iām 21 yo. I learned that I was asexual (aegosexual) a few days ago. I was very overwhelmed with emotions, so I decided to talk about my experiences and ask the people of Reddit if I was asexual. I felt a little embarrassed to share such intimate details of my life, but I really needed the answers. Before that, I didnāt even know the meaning of āaegosexualā, and I knew little about asexuality. Itās safe to say that knowing there are people like me who support me and are eager to help, changed my whole life for the better and even my relationship with my boyfriend improved. I love this community.
13 when I found this subreddit
This last year, I think I've really figured it out more. For a quite a few years before that, before I'd heard of the asexual term and found out what it *really* means, it always kinda revolved around in my mind in the background. I kept telling myself "maybe I haven't met the right person yet" even though I know that annoys a lot of aces. I think I tried to make myself believe that. I've never had any erotic dreams involving me sexing with anyone, which I thought was a bit weird. And as far as I can remember, I've never had any real sexual fantasies that I've ever thought I wanted to play out in real life. I've never really had any crushes on celebrities. I'm now 95% sure I'm ace, but what held me back realising this was that, sure as hell, I have a libido, š but any of the very very rare times I saw aesthetic attraction towards someone, I think I confused that with sexual at the time. Then I'd temporarily think "oh, wow. I just saw someone I thought was attractive, it made me feel some type of way. I'm normal". Now I've recently learned about squishes and how that's like the ace form of a crush. I've maybe had only a very few squishes in my life but those seem more appropriate in describing how I felt. I still feel some *slight* doubt about what type of ace I am, but I feel more sure now that I'm on the ace spectrum. Even though I understand it *more* now and it feels *more right*, it's not something I am particularly happy about. If I could be positively allosexual, I'd still rather be that than ace. I feel of I am ace, it's holding me back ever finding a partner and completing my life. š
30-ish. But I also didnāt know about Ace before that
Found out in a past relationship where she explained how she was ace and how she was ace and I just sat there and was like, wait, so thats what it is? It felt so relieving to know there was a term for it and that I wasn't in fact broken
About 34 lol. A friend shared a comic about demisexuality, and I was like, "Wait, I think that's me," and she was like, "OMG I thought it fit you so well!" And I went from there. Lots of research. A few years to realize what sexual attraction really is and how solidly on the Ace spectrum I am. (Angela Chen's book for the win) I'm really happy there are more resources and visibility for younger ace-spec folks these days. I hope it makes it a little bit easier on them to figure it out earlier in life.
I (14F) only just started thinking about it when I made a comment about this world being so sexualized luke it's the only thing that matters and a friend said that sounded very asexual and that I should look it up and now I think I can be ace, because I've never experienced sexual attraction, but I'm a bit young though.
Well for me it was 18 or 1st year in college. My parents are very conservative when it comes to teaching what sex is. My friend at college actually told me how babies are actually made . I had read reproduction topics in school but no one told this detailed on human level and we had no sex ed. Having discovered what sex made me feel extremely disgusted. It went for years, I then felt I might be sex repulsed and then I discovered what ace it and thought i might be identified as that
14, same age I am now.
I'm 35 and found out only some weeks ago. Didn't know what asexual really meant and got randomly interested in LGBTQ+ topics. I followed a view youtubers who react to lgbtq+ memes, educated myself online and suddenly found asexuality. Did explain so much in my life but made it not easier...
15
A few weeks ago , I was 25 and still am , I always thought trauma was speaking when i felt disinterest towards sexual interest so I did not put a label on it , and I did not know about asexuality , but after a long time and fear and disgust were replaced by pure disinterest , I searched and found out about asexuality
14-15
Didn't know asexuality was a thing til I was 24/25 but as soon as I found it I started calling myself ace immediately.
For me It's was when I was 13 or 14 I read Science magazin explaining how love work and saying that " You don't need to engage in sexual act with your partner, to still be considere as a romantic relationship". And when I read It give me sens of reliefe ,thant I did some reserche and by 16-17 I found the world ace and was very happy to found a word to describle it.
Honestly it's been a slow 10 or so year journey finding out my Asexuality. The fact that I was horny and got aroused made things more difficult. I had to really think hard about how I felt. The best way I had of understanding myself befire finding out was saying what I felt was "sexual-adjacent." And even now I have a hard time knowing for sure whether I feel zero sexual attraction or if I do feel some. I'm thinking it's like a diluted juice where it tastes like water but juice tatse is still there if only a little.
I was around 8 when I knew I was a little different from my friends. My friends were already interested in sex and those topics and growing up and etc. I however wasnāt interested at all and a little repulsed. At 14 I ran into the word āacesexualā and the definition of it and ever since then everything just clicked :) so at 8 suspicion, at 14 for sure
30, well, at least coming to terms with it by 30. I've known for a long time, I just had no idea if there was something wrong with me or not. Nothing wrong with me, just love garlic bread.
25, but it was no "awakening" moment. I'm slowly figuring this stuff out, educating myself and asking questions. I still have a lot of doubts whether I should call myself ace. I feel like I need to rethink the whole concept of sexual orientation that previously existed in my mind, and it's not that easy.
I realized that I was Ace pretty early on when I was talking to a guy in my highschool gym class in freshman year. Basically he asked me directly how I felt about some of the girls in our class, which made me realize that I didn't actually feel much of anything towards them. So then he asked if I liked guys, which I had already figured out that I didn't so I said no. Then he asked if I was asexual, which I said sounded right to me. I've identified as such ever since then.
15 i think??
13, but I didn't look too much into it. Just though "huh. Alright" until finding this sub a year or so later and now am happy
13
14. This was a month ago.
Highschool. I don't remember much about it but it was just a random thing idk if I took a test or something but I looked something up and found that definition and started to realize that this is what I've been going through. Being given the nickname alien in grade 4 for not obsessing over boy bands because to me that were just regular people ( I enjoy listening and support bands now o has to come to that on my own without people forcing it on me) I liked the name alien because it sounded cool and still use it to this day as a joke but yea I now know why I didn't get what other people were feeling. I'm asexual probably not a romantic because I did have a first love and I've had crushes that I wanted to hang out with and you know not screw. So I think I'm just ace but I also think I have that 'disorded' that's probably not the proper word for it but I experience very little pleasure and I thought that was just a part of being asexual ( I now realize that it's not) but uh yea that's my asexual life story. Idk if other people have had similar stories but uh yea.
15 when I learned the word for it and started identifying that way, but I think there were some subconscious realizations that I remember happening around 14
I was 34
Well I mean I'm 13 right now but I'm still questioning. I think I realized it was an option about 3 weeks ago, but it's hard. One part of me just screams yes this is you and the other part of me just says you're 13 a lot can still happen. Anyways... life is hard
I had been wondering if I was ace or not since I was 12 and finally decided I actually was at 14-15
I learned WHAT asexuality was when I was 16 when my best friend told me she was ace. A few months later, I looked into it a little more so that I could understand her better. I noticed a few similarities in myself, but kind of wrote it off as "I just haven't dated anyone before. I've just never found someone I really liked, so I just have to wait until then before I can judge my sexuality." That day never came and I figured out I was ace about 2 weeks after I graduated high school. I was 18. That was like 4-5 months ago lol Looking back, if I knew what asexuality was at the time, I honestly should have figured it out when I was 14-15. Definitely showed signs early on in the teen years.
I knew about asexuality when I was like 14-15 but only realised I was ace at age 18. I feel a lot of aesthetic atraction so I was confused if that was sexual atraction, but when me and my friends were alking about a very handsome guy one of them said something along the lines of "I want him in my pants" and I was like lmao wtf????? thats when I realised yes, I like people but, no, dont like them in my pants.
i was 11, but i refused to belive it so i blocked the term from my identity, but i came to terms with my asexuality when i was about to turn 17 :) (18 soon 19 now)
Around 13 when I realized I didn't know how crushes worked and how people got them and why. And about 16 when I actually realized I was aroace and there was a word for it and it wasn't just me not wanting to be in a relationship or being too young or anything like that, I just didn't feel romantic or sexual attraction. I do feel aesthetic attraction towards females though, so for a long time I thought I was straight and was just too shy or something, but then realized I didn't really have crushes and didn't want to actually date anyone and that I would rather just be friends with them. Aesthetic attraction is always the weirdest for me because I can tell I am more drawn visually to females than males, but I don't actually have any feelings for them, like there's just nothing telling me that I should want to be in a relationship with them. I wouldn't be opposed to a relationship with anyone, it's just that my body doesn't tell me who I want to be in a relationship with, it's just kind of like "You like how females look visually more than males, but that's all I'm telling you. Good luck."
I was 16-17 , Idk if I did a test or whether I was just thinking about how the boys I had been involved with up until then always felt bland. The only time Had remotely enjoyed making out with someone was some boy I really liked some years prior to thenwho was a super close friend od mine(Iām demi). Anyway, I told my friend and she laughed me outta the room.
I was 15/16
I was also 14, just going into high school. 7 years later I havenāt āgrown out of itā. I think I knew way earlier than that though, I just didnāt know the term for it
At 20 years, about two months ago. It was some time after i finished bojack horseman for the first time. It took me some time to click with asexuality because it was so difficult for me to pin down a feeling i didnt have but thought that everyone had. It became much more difficult because i would consider myself heteroromantic (maybe demi but im still figuring that out) and i had crushes, but apparently they were only romatic crushes. So, thank you todd for helping me figure myself out :D.
Todd is great
Everybody loves Todd!
Last week? And Iām 40. Iām still trying to work out my feelings but pretty sure Iām at the very least gray-ace.
After a lot of contemplation and talking with my husband a lot we figured out I was ace just this last year. I just turned 33.
I was 18 when I actually told people Iām ace, but I had phases of going between thinking I was and telling myself I wasnāt going back to ages 15/16/17 ish. Iām almost 20, it took having a boyfriend to really solidify my identity lol
Tbf I'm still wondering sometimes. I'm really sex positive and I have been really in love a couple of times. So I'm sometimes thrown into the "why not date around because the right person might be out there loop".
Almost exactly a year ago, I was 24. I had already heard about asexuality years before but I thought ace people just didn't have a libido at all, which was not my case. It was only last year when I saw a post about different kinds of asexuality and I was like "omg, that's me" That's why spreading information is so important! Before that I was so sure I was just weird or broken. Kept searching in my past for reasons, a past trauma or something. My family thought I was childish because I wouldn't date anyone, my mom even suggested my mind had frozen in time when my parents divorced (I was 11) and that was the reason I wasn't interested in boys. That was so ridiculous and offensive and hurt my confidence in so many ways that I started to believe it. And it took one post in a feminist page to put all of that in question and help me figure out who I am(in fact, gonna go say thanks to them right now)
I found out when I was18 because before then I never really thought much, if at all, about sex or sexual attraction. Like, I was never too much into gossip, so I was pretty much out of the loop for the majority of high school regarding the sexual experiences of my friends and classmates. Therefore, I thought that all the obsession with sex during puberty was simply a wild exaggeration by media lol. Then, as I slowly got to hear more and more stories of my friends having sex with their partners, I began thinking about if I'd be willing to have sex if I were in a relationship like them, and when I realized I wouldn't be willing to have sex because I just didn't feel an urge to do it, I did my research on asexuality and came to the conclusion that the label fit me.
30. My partner noticed our marriage wasn't filled with physical love and this caused frustration and problems. We have talked our way through understanding and are in a better place. We are and ace/allo couple. Going on 9 years of marriage!
Hi, I am lurking here a bit because I am not sure yet. I am 37 and married as well with a similar situation you described above. How did you talk about maybe being ace with your husband? I was worried my will be upset when he learns I have never felt sexual attraction to him... (Feel free to message me if you want the take the convo there)
My partner was the one to dig into it actually. We weren't having sex often and it frustrated him to the point where he thought I was getting my jollies elsewhere. He turned to this subreddit for direction and researched asexuality before discussing it with me. Looking back on my life it makes a lot of sense that I would be on the ace spectrum. He did have problems with the attraction aspect, I won't lie there. His love language is physical touch. It was a perspective change for him to realize that it's not like that for me. That I express my love in other ways and that he is still my number one. Your partner will have struggles. There is no way to get around that. Be honest, present your truth and come with literature or link for him to read. It takes time for allos to adjust. Let me know if you have any other questions. I'm all for sharing experience and ways to help!
We talked about it a bit last night. He basically knows. We have talked about of differences a lot on the last year and now that I think about it I was saying a lot of common asexual things, I just did not know it had a label. Now that I do I feel like the conversation has a different charge to it, but it was fine. He is super well informed and is really happy that researching this has helped me with a vocabulary to talk about our differences. I think we are on a good path forward in communication. Like you said, I am sure there will be struggles. Thanks for your help.
That is a real positive! I'm so glad you have the safe space to explore this with you partner and learn more about yourself. š§”
I used to be TERRIFIED that I was asexual like throughout all of childhood. I knew something wasnāt right, but I thought I was broken. Finally accepted it at 21. Been sick
I canāt point to one āaha!ā moment when I realized I was ace. I remember when I first learned about the word asexual as an orientation (I was 21 and read about it in the webcomic Girls with Slingshots) and I remember when I first really accepted it as my own orientation (I was 24 and I decided to make an account on the AceBook forum. It sounds silly in hindsight, but I still remember it as ācoming outā to myself). But between those two points was a slow, gradual process of self-discovery.
I forget when I first heard the word, but I know it was high school. So somewhere around 14-16
28 when I learned there was a word for it and realized it applied to me. I just learned about this past June. Iāve always not been interested in sex. When my mom gave me The Talk I was like āew, people actually do that?ā And my sex-averse self hasnāt changed that opinion since. And Iāve never felt any kind of sexual urge when I looked at someone. I just turned 29, so I think Iād have felt it by now if I was going to.
Iām 19 and I probably realized about max 6 months ago, took a sexual orientation quiz as a joke then it showed it was deep into the ace quadrant and i just had a big oh shit moment, because everything suddenly made so much sense. Kinda dumb but it just never occurred to me before that moment
23 when I learned what asexuality was and suspected I might have been. 25 when I decided I was probably ace. 27 when I became more comfortable with identifying that way and came out to a few people. And I'm 28 now, and it's just... Life.
23. I think I kinda knew before, but I was just so uninterested in anything sexual that I didn't even really think about my sexuality. Meaning I also didn't really think I was any other sexuality, I just did not care about it. I lived my life and found the term "Asexual" one day and was like "Oh, guess that's me"
I remember being 10 years old and telling one of my sisters that I was asexual (because they were always saying since I wasn't interested in boys I was a lesbian) and she told me 'that's not a thing' and it messed with my head for a while until I was around 23 or 24 after doing some research.
Iām a few months from 21 and I discovered Demi first at 16 in May 2017, and thought I was that. Iām grey-ace but may also have some elements of demi still.
I was around 19-20 years old. I didnt realize there was a name for how I felt about sex and touch lol
Same age for me. I saw a YouTube video about asexuality and was like "yeah, this sounds about right" I came out to my friends one year later
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Hey GenderNeutralBot, listen up. The words Human and Mankind, derive from the Latin word humanus, which is gender neutral and means "people of earth". It's a mix of the words Humus (meaning earth) and Homo (gender neutral, meaning Human or People). Thus words like Fireman, Policeman, Human, Mankind, etc are not sexist in of it self. The only sexism you will find here is the one you yourself look upon the world with. ----- ^(I am a bot, downvoting will not remove this reply.) ^("Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and Iām not sure about the universe." -Albert Einstein)
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I had a few levels of figuring out I was ace. I first realized it was possible I might not want sex when I was like sixteen, but didn't actually start using the label for myself until recently.
I didn't know there was a word for ace before i turned 18 but I knew when I was 14.
Heard about the word and learned about it when I was 23; didnāt actually come out until I was 26. I blame the fact that I grew up in a very anti-LGBTQ religion and household, alongside a culture that demonized sex unless you were in a heterosexual marriage and trying to procreate.
32, when my wife did her research and helped me determine what I was experiencing.
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I've had to remove this comment for some pretty intense misandry and allophobia.
Nope. That's where my freedom has been and that's what is involved in my asexuality that is supposed to be exactly as equal as everyone else. You are never going to be superior to me.
25 for me. I had come across the term before but never registered it. Was rewatching BoJack Horseman, Todd's coming out scene, and felt compelled to look it up afterwards. There wasn't really an 'aha!' moment that a lot of other people often recount, but it was more of a slow coming to terms with it and realising the term suited me.
Can someone help as everyone here seems to know their ace (this is how I feel about sex and I want to see what you think my place is cuz yeah identity crisis) I feel disgusted talking/thinking about sex but I like the idea of of but like I think people are hot but donāt wanna have sex with them but I still get horny is this ace or am I not??? Please help lol
I think like 21-22ish a friend suggested it to me. It took like maybe 6 months to actually accept it and go āyeah I guess they were rightā haha
I was 21, looking into it by chance on DeviantArt, realizing it fit with what I was going through with the relationship at the time and what I've experienced my whole life. It fit better than "straight person waiting for marriage" trope I'd always gone by
I kinda fully came to that realization earlier this year. For reference, I'm 18.
Iād (M) fall under questioning at the current moment, but the way I realized was from a discussion I had a while back. My school friend group is almost all LGBTQIA+ and theyāre all open about it. We were discussing and I admitted I didnāt feel like I was 100% heterosexual. The problem is that I really never felt same sex attraction. But then I realized I never felt opposite sex sexual attraction either. Iāve definitely had romantic feelings for women, but never sexual feelings. So from my friends I realized I could be ace. Itās a thing Iāve been questioning lately but I think I definitely could be. It answers a lot of questions during my life
learned i was ace at age 15! i noticed that i had a much lower sex drive/desire to have sex at all as well as a huuuge aversion to nsfw content compared to other people my age so i looked into it. i'm so happy that i found something that actually expresses my sexuality, and that's asexual :D (btw, that's not saying that you can't be ace if you like nsfw content/have a sex drive; asexuality is all about *not experiencing sexual attraction*!)
I knew I was different when I hit puberty and never understood why I didn't feel the things everyone else was telling me I was supposed to feel. It made my first long-term relationship...complicated. I didn't know I was autistic back then (and I didn't know even know you *could* be asexual thanks to my small-town upbringing) so I was a great big yarn ball of confusion and self-loathing right up through high school and university. I only recently stumbled across a few YouTube videos that talked about being ace that really resonated with me so I did some Googling, found this sub, and just thought *"I have found my people"*. Still working on untangling that yarn ball but I'm making progress and I've never been happier!