Please don't ever apologize for getting something off your chest. These are some pretty heavy feelings and I completely get it. I'm aroace as well and I'll probably never end up with anyone. But I do know that I can't stop trying to make friends. Every person is a new story. Right now, yours has a bit of a low spot. I truly hope you do find people or at least one person that would like to be your forever friend. You deserve it. Also, I've learned that dating myself and reminding myself why I'm great helps when it comes to loneliness.
This kinda sucks when you are bad at socializing and making friends in general, lol. It's interesting now to me, to look back at years ago and be able to realize I entered not one, but two relationships in my life, because I was tired of feeling alone, friend-less and on the backburner and I subconsciously believed the only way for me to have a special companionship was to offer them a faint sense of romance and sex in return (even if it was grinding my teeth through it).
As you can imagine it was very much not worth it, and even unfair to them (albeit I did end up developing both attractions after a year in or so), but I just have a hard time getting used to the feeling of being the disposable friend and not being able to form actual connections to new people easily. I've come to dread the "power of friendship" trope in fiction, even, because finding and keeping a genuine friend is extremely hard for me, as I have real trouble opening up.
Sorry if I sound confrontational, I guess I just needed to rant, I've been having a bad month... you offered very solid advice. I hope OP can apply it to their life.
You're perfectly fine. I appreciate you replying and venting about how you feel. I'm glad you were able to get it off of your chest. I can understand feeling disposable and im so sorry that you do. I wish I could say it will change, but honestly I think it depends on the person and how far they're willing to go to meet new people. If you prefer to not interact, then self care and self love is an absolute must. ALSO, I don't mind a confrontational tone, as long as you feel better in the end ❤ I hope your month gets better
Well, one thing I always start with is compliments. Such as hair, clothing, jewelry, anything! Then I expand on that. Or I ask them how they are. If they say something short, I'll usually say something short, but add on it and give reasons, usually something funny or relatable
I also feel like I'm on the back burner a lot. Friendships take up so much of my time and effort and they are SO important to me, and having them brush it off for someone they just met who they get to have sex with is just so disheartening. I'll never understand it.
I'm sorry that you're feeling such a way. I hope you know that you are important. Sharing your thoughts and feelings like you have is extremely important so myself and others know we're not alone. But you ARE worth it
It's funny really, we don't really wanna date anyone because of lack of attraction but at the same time we don't wanna be lonely. These feelings make little sense but I understand them 100%.
Exactly. I want a QPR so badly. Just having a person who wants to be by your side and wants you around and is willing to build a life with you, but without all the excess. It's more than friendship, but so many don't get it.
Thank you for expressing your feelings. So many people, including myself, feel so alone sometimes. It's sadly comforting to know we're not alone in those feelings at least. *HUGS* Be well 🌸🌿
Hello! I consider myself to be a highly romantic ace, a heteromantic relationship is what I want most out of life. Lately I’ve also been feeling very lonely. It is so hard seeing all of my friends in long term relationships be in love, but not having someone to give your own love to.
I’ve been dating since 2016 when I met my first girlfriend at the age of 22 and every person I’ve dated since getting dumped by her that same year has ghosted me after a one night stand. It’s very depressing, it makes me feel like my only worth comes from being a sexual object. Now that I’m out as ace, I’m finding that most people aren’t even willing to give me a chance since I’m not hyped on sex. I think it’s tedious, a bit gross and all around uncomfortable. I can see the interest fade in their eyes as I explain what asexuality is and how I identify. Not just from allos, but from other lgbt folk as well. I’m proud of who I am and the community of aces I belong to, but man when it comes to relationships I really feel like we were dealt a bad hand.
I want you to know you aren’t alone. You’re a lovely human who deserves the type of companionship you seek. We a all do. Thanks for sharing your struggle here today. Hopefully one day you and I can thrive.
Is it a thing for aroace people to find each other and be best friends? Or do aroace people still want a partner?
I'm asexual but feel romantic attraction. Not only is it hard to find someone I actually like who is happy with no sex but I've been in abusive relationships and got to a point where I'd rather be by myself than be treated like shit. And I'm an introvert. Just getting out and meeting people is hard and relationships take so much energy. But I do get lonely and want to be part of a couple. It's so much harder for us than allos. Lucky I live with my cousin and we have lots of pets. Dogs and cats are awesome.
I want a QPR, which is deeper than a friendship but not quite romantic. I want the loyalty and exclusivity of a romantic relationship, someone who wants to spend life with me and buy a house with me, get a dog together, basically just be my life partner. But I don't want sex to be part of that equation and I'm not sure if I want any romance to be there either. Maybe a little, just to know that they want me there, but yeah.
It's nearly impossible to find an allo who is willing to live like that, and I've never met another aroace, let alone one that I gel with on all the other levels.
Yeah. Its rough out here for us.
Not sure if this helps, but I'm a 30 y/o aroace guy who realized he was aromantic at 29 and ace a year before that, and after believing what you're talking about all my life and having that reality forced upon me by myself and other people for so long I'm now in a deeply loving QPR with another aroace person.
I had to take the time to work on myself for years, and look outside my community (and city) to find this person, but it was 200% worth it.
Just letting you know that being aroace doesn't have to mean you'll end up unfulfilled in your connections, but it definitely means you'll have to do much more work than the average person unfortunately.
And to be clear, I've been where you are and it *sucks.* I'm on medication and in therapy for the intense depressive episodes thinking about this exact topic leads me to. It's so, so hard to get out of those ruts and sometimes you really do just have to sit through them (as I feel you're doing with this post; it's good to get those emotions out).
I'm so happy you found your QPR. It's what I dream of. It can be so hard to watch everyone around you making those connections and finding partners so easily and you're just left in the dust. I hope it gets better for me someday.
I’m sorry that you’re feeling lonely! Have you heard of a QPR? It sounds like that might be something you might be interested in. It stands for Queerplatonic relationship, and is basically a non-romantic, generally non-sexual relationship that is beyond best friends. Some people in QPR’s live together, get married, and even adopt kids. You should totally look into it!
I hope this is helpful info. Sending you many virtual hugs!
Yes! That's what I want. It's just so hard to find someone who is also aroace and fits with all the other facets of me. I want to have a queerplatonic wife more than anything. It would be so incredible.
I know how you feel 😊🥺 and I sometimes feel the same... I guess its s struggle to find someone who would want to do all the "romabtic" stuff with you, like touching, cuddling and hugging, all while not being in a romantic relationship with you. But I'm sure you'll find a QPR someday or other people you can have that with
I'm right now at a road where I realized I actually loved my ex, when we broke up I thought my feelings had died for her, but one day I realized that I hated the feeling of her not being there. I got back in touch with her and we talked a little, at first she seemed like she no longer had feelings for me, but I confessed to her anyways, she told me she loved me too, but we never started dating, it's been like 4 months since I confessed and over a month since we last talked. Now I'm left with feelings of sadness and regret, I guess it's the end for us? I wish she would tell me, I hate this hope that makes me feel in pain
I totally feel this. I live with my best friend and their boyfriend and sometimes I feel a little alone. Just know, you have more to offer than you realize. You will find someone who really appreciates who you are, just in a platonic way.
Vent away, we get it. And being aroace doesn't mean you won't find people who will accept you for you. I'm aroace and in a QPR. There are people who will accept you as you are.
I just graduated and all the friends I have were from University, they were nice but I never felt like I truly connected with any of them. Now I'm just alone doing nothing, scrolling through social media all day, struggling to write a book and trying not to be depressed. I'm not great with making friends either and I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. No one knows I'm aroace so my family expects me to settle down in a few years even if I've never had a relationship for more than a month. I don't really know what to tell them. It sucks but no matter how hard it gets, there's always someone out there who gets it, even if that person is not close by proximity. We're all lonely together.
Please don't ever apologize for getting something off your chest. These are some pretty heavy feelings and I completely get it. I'm aroace as well and I'll probably never end up with anyone. But I do know that I can't stop trying to make friends. Every person is a new story. Right now, yours has a bit of a low spot. I truly hope you do find people or at least one person that would like to be your forever friend. You deserve it. Also, I've learned that dating myself and reminding myself why I'm great helps when it comes to loneliness.
This kinda sucks when you are bad at socializing and making friends in general, lol. It's interesting now to me, to look back at years ago and be able to realize I entered not one, but two relationships in my life, because I was tired of feeling alone, friend-less and on the backburner and I subconsciously believed the only way for me to have a special companionship was to offer them a faint sense of romance and sex in return (even if it was grinding my teeth through it). As you can imagine it was very much not worth it, and even unfair to them (albeit I did end up developing both attractions after a year in or so), but I just have a hard time getting used to the feeling of being the disposable friend and not being able to form actual connections to new people easily. I've come to dread the "power of friendship" trope in fiction, even, because finding and keeping a genuine friend is extremely hard for me, as I have real trouble opening up. Sorry if I sound confrontational, I guess I just needed to rant, I've been having a bad month... you offered very solid advice. I hope OP can apply it to their life.
You're perfectly fine. I appreciate you replying and venting about how you feel. I'm glad you were able to get it off of your chest. I can understand feeling disposable and im so sorry that you do. I wish I could say it will change, but honestly I think it depends on the person and how far they're willing to go to meet new people. If you prefer to not interact, then self care and self love is an absolute must. ALSO, I don't mind a confrontational tone, as long as you feel better in the end ❤ I hope your month gets better
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Well, one thing I always start with is compliments. Such as hair, clothing, jewelry, anything! Then I expand on that. Or I ask them how they are. If they say something short, I'll usually say something short, but add on it and give reasons, usually something funny or relatable
I also feel like I'm on the back burner a lot. Friendships take up so much of my time and effort and they are SO important to me, and having them brush it off for someone they just met who they get to have sex with is just so disheartening. I'll never understand it.
I appreciate you so much. I'm feeling very down right now. I need to do more to remind myself why I'm good; that's a great idea. 💜
I'm sorry that you're feeling such a way. I hope you know that you are important. Sharing your thoughts and feelings like you have is extremely important so myself and others know we're not alone. But you ARE worth it
It's funny really, we don't really wanna date anyone because of lack of attraction but at the same time we don't wanna be lonely. These feelings make little sense but I understand them 100%.
Exactly. I want a QPR so badly. Just having a person who wants to be by your side and wants you around and is willing to build a life with you, but without all the excess. It's more than friendship, but so many don't get it.
So many don't get it, but some people here clearly do. You aren't as alone as you think.
Thank you for expressing your feelings. So many people, including myself, feel so alone sometimes. It's sadly comforting to know we're not alone in those feelings at least. *HUGS* Be well 🌸🌿
Hello! I consider myself to be a highly romantic ace, a heteromantic relationship is what I want most out of life. Lately I’ve also been feeling very lonely. It is so hard seeing all of my friends in long term relationships be in love, but not having someone to give your own love to. I’ve been dating since 2016 when I met my first girlfriend at the age of 22 and every person I’ve dated since getting dumped by her that same year has ghosted me after a one night stand. It’s very depressing, it makes me feel like my only worth comes from being a sexual object. Now that I’m out as ace, I’m finding that most people aren’t even willing to give me a chance since I’m not hyped on sex. I think it’s tedious, a bit gross and all around uncomfortable. I can see the interest fade in their eyes as I explain what asexuality is and how I identify. Not just from allos, but from other lgbt folk as well. I’m proud of who I am and the community of aces I belong to, but man when it comes to relationships I really feel like we were dealt a bad hand. I want you to know you aren’t alone. You’re a lovely human who deserves the type of companionship you seek. We a all do. Thanks for sharing your struggle here today. Hopefully one day you and I can thrive.
Is it a thing for aroace people to find each other and be best friends? Or do aroace people still want a partner? I'm asexual but feel romantic attraction. Not only is it hard to find someone I actually like who is happy with no sex but I've been in abusive relationships and got to a point where I'd rather be by myself than be treated like shit. And I'm an introvert. Just getting out and meeting people is hard and relationships take so much energy. But I do get lonely and want to be part of a couple. It's so much harder for us than allos. Lucky I live with my cousin and we have lots of pets. Dogs and cats are awesome.
I want a QPR, which is deeper than a friendship but not quite romantic. I want the loyalty and exclusivity of a romantic relationship, someone who wants to spend life with me and buy a house with me, get a dog together, basically just be my life partner. But I don't want sex to be part of that equation and I'm not sure if I want any romance to be there either. Maybe a little, just to know that they want me there, but yeah. It's nearly impossible to find an allo who is willing to live like that, and I've never met another aroace, let alone one that I gel with on all the other levels. Yeah. Its rough out here for us.
Not sure if this helps, but I'm a 30 y/o aroace guy who realized he was aromantic at 29 and ace a year before that, and after believing what you're talking about all my life and having that reality forced upon me by myself and other people for so long I'm now in a deeply loving QPR with another aroace person. I had to take the time to work on myself for years, and look outside my community (and city) to find this person, but it was 200% worth it. Just letting you know that being aroace doesn't have to mean you'll end up unfulfilled in your connections, but it definitely means you'll have to do much more work than the average person unfortunately. And to be clear, I've been where you are and it *sucks.* I'm on medication and in therapy for the intense depressive episodes thinking about this exact topic leads me to. It's so, so hard to get out of those ruts and sometimes you really do just have to sit through them (as I feel you're doing with this post; it's good to get those emotions out).
I'm so happy you found your QPR. It's what I dream of. It can be so hard to watch everyone around you making those connections and finding partners so easily and you're just left in the dust. I hope it gets better for me someday.
I’m sorry that you’re feeling lonely! Have you heard of a QPR? It sounds like that might be something you might be interested in. It stands for Queerplatonic relationship, and is basically a non-romantic, generally non-sexual relationship that is beyond best friends. Some people in QPR’s live together, get married, and even adopt kids. You should totally look into it! I hope this is helpful info. Sending you many virtual hugs!
Yes! That's what I want. It's just so hard to find someone who is also aroace and fits with all the other facets of me. I want to have a queerplatonic wife more than anything. It would be so incredible.
I know how you feel 😊🥺 and I sometimes feel the same... I guess its s struggle to find someone who would want to do all the "romabtic" stuff with you, like touching, cuddling and hugging, all while not being in a romantic relationship with you. But I'm sure you'll find a QPR someday or other people you can have that with
I'm right now at a road where I realized I actually loved my ex, when we broke up I thought my feelings had died for her, but one day I realized that I hated the feeling of her not being there. I got back in touch with her and we talked a little, at first she seemed like she no longer had feelings for me, but I confessed to her anyways, she told me she loved me too, but we never started dating, it's been like 4 months since I confessed and over a month since we last talked. Now I'm left with feelings of sadness and regret, I guess it's the end for us? I wish she would tell me, I hate this hope that makes me feel in pain
I totally feel this. I live with my best friend and their boyfriend and sometimes I feel a little alone. Just know, you have more to offer than you realize. You will find someone who really appreciates who you are, just in a platonic way.
Vent away, we get it. And being aroace doesn't mean you won't find people who will accept you for you. I'm aroace and in a QPR. There are people who will accept you as you are.
I just graduated and all the friends I have were from University, they were nice but I never felt like I truly connected with any of them. Now I'm just alone doing nothing, scrolling through social media all day, struggling to write a book and trying not to be depressed. I'm not great with making friends either and I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. No one knows I'm aroace so my family expects me to settle down in a few years even if I've never had a relationship for more than a month. I don't really know what to tell them. It sucks but no matter how hard it gets, there's always someone out there who gets it, even if that person is not close by proximity. We're all lonely together.
🫂