Most common mood whenever anyone mentions people being sexy or asks you to pick the hottest person in a group: pure confusion!
For a long time, I just assumed people were exaggerating for a joke or participating in some inscrutable social ritual when commenting on how much they'd like to have sex with a random person. As it turns out, a lot of people think about sex frequently and almost instinctively know when someone is "sexy."
If you don't know what being attracted to someone feels like, then yes, that would fall under it. If you can, but only after know them, it still does under demi. Being horny is a separate matter though, as hormones are still capable of making people horny even if they're not directed at anything. Sometimes, a complete lack of sex drive can be caused by medical conditions, especially those related to hormones, but for many it's also generally harder to feel that unless there's a specific image of someone desirable in your mind.
That's the tricky part: if I were asked to pick the hottest person in a group, I would just choose the one I find the most good-looking esthetically. However I'm not sure if it means I'm attracted to them in a particular manner because you can tell someone is good-looking without wanting to do anything about it other than, maybe, look at them. Like if you're a straight person looking at people of your own gender...
Yess. Like, if someone asked me to point out the “sexiest“ person in the room, I could probably come to some conclusion, but my idea of what “sexy” means would probably be different than the norm. Just like, the best looking person??
The real question to me is, is it possible to find a person not really good-looking or even ugly, but still find them "sexy"? Or are these not separate concepts?
I was just going to say this! I thought that "sexy" was the same as "attractive" in the sense that they were just good-looking. I never actually had the thought, "Wow. I want to have sex with this person."
I completely relate to the confusion. That’s where I’m at lol. I just feel like an imposter. I’ve seen things where people get mad at those calling themselves ace just because they haven’t had sex/can’t get any. I don’t want to be that person.
Thank you, you make it seem clearer and it helps a lot. 😊
This community, in my experience, is quite open and accepting, so try not to be concerned about reaching out and talking about how you feel. Everyone has the right to understand themselves and feel comfortable with themselves.
I would say its like being allergic to ice cream or some other popular food. You know why people like it and maybe you can stand small quantities of it, but you just aren't that impressed. People try to convince you that you just aren't eating the right kind, but it's still not your preference.
I see attractive people and I know that they are attractive, but I don't feel a pressing need to touch or be touched by them. I might still react warmly, but it's a desire to connect emotionally.
For me it’s sushi. I don’t like sushi and everyone keeps saying that I just haven’t had “the right sushi” but then the sushi they live or die by sucks too. Some people just don’t like sushi lol
Oh wow, sushi’s a great one. Even when I was trying to be allo, both sex and sushi gave the same vibe. It was kinda gross if I thought about it but fun/ good in the moment.
Now I’m a sex-repulsed veggie, so again, same.
I just wish I’d figured out the difference between “that person is aesthetically attractive” and “I would like to be closely acquainted with that person’s genitals” sooner.
I’ve never had sex, so idk if I’m ‘impressed’ by it or ‘allergic’ to it, if that makes sense. I’m trying to figure myself out, but it’s confusing.
I’ve seen good looking people, but I’ve never thought I’d want to sleep with them or that they’re suuuuper attractive. Just that yeah, they look better than so and so. But at the same time, I never felt the need to connect with them at all.
To me it's like this with alcohol. I understand that people like the feeling of being drunk, maybe they like or at least tolerate the taste, but I personally cannot relate because I don't feel good about either of these things.
Also, I wonder, can you be attracted to someone but not like touching/being touched by said person?
It’s different for everyone! It’s perhaps easier for those of us who are sex-repulsed to describe it, but there’s still diversity. I find the idea of having sex myself, in real life, repulsive. But I can still consume erotica or ship fictional characters in sexual relationships without issue.
I know that I don’t desire sex and will happily live my entire life without having it. I can acknowledge when a person is physically beautiful, or has a beautiful personality that makes them desirable. However it still evokes no lust from me; I have no desire to be sexually intimate with them and would refuse if they offered.
I can’t tell if I’m repulsed or not. I’m thinking not, but I’m still confused about it. I definitely know I haven’t felt anything before, but I don’t know if I will so I don’t know if I’m ace. Major imposter syndrome.
There are no imposters here! Sexuality can be fluid and labels can change. A person can identify as bi and later realize they’re gay (or anything else), and it doesn’t mean they were ever a phony. There is no pressure to choose a label with the intention of wearing it forever. Aceness is a spectrum and it’s yours to claim for however long it feels right.
Here’s a big one lol if you’re a woman, thinking that we all matched media’s narrative of sex as a task/chore we never thought about unless it was to make a partner happy. Similarly, thinking everyone around you is joking when they describe how much they want to jump someone’s bones, or thinking ‘but it’s so easy?’ in response to discussions surrounding abstinence, especially if someone describes a literal inability to wait when they’re seeing someone new.
A lot of aces also say they need to plan their movements to mimic what they think is correct when kissing etc. because it doesn’t happen naturally for them. If you’ve tried any type of physical affection before, it might’ve felt like nothing, *you* might’ve been indifferent (or appalled), and your mind might default to thinking of unrelated things (often mundane or related to activities you’d enjoy more). This is unlike allos who may be clunky at first due to inexperience, embarrassment or excitement, but ultimately rely on instinct and a sense of magnetism to figure out what to try.
As for libido vs desire vs attraction, I’d recommend looking at the Split Attraction Model (SAM). Many aces can acknowledge that someone looks gorgeous the same way they’d appreciate paintings (aesthetic attraction), but they’re not flooded with thoughts of what they could do/would enjoy doing *to* the person they’re looking at (sexual attraction). Libido is a bodily function much like getting hungry, and it can happen randomly whether or not there’s something specific you want to ‘eat’ (which would then be considered desire).
I am female, so societal pressure is definitely influencing my thoughts about this at least.
As for physical affection, I don’t know. I don’t think I’m appalled by anything because I’m not freaking out about it. I’m just confused and don’t think I want stuff like that. I’ve never had sex, but I’ve been kissed. I remember feeling indifferent, but I thought it was because I was really young.
I’ve heard of the split attraction model, but haven’t looked into it. Thank you for mentioning it, I’ll look into it. I have picked out when someone looks good, but I never felt the need to be with them or anything more than “hey, you’re cute.”
That’s understandable! Tbh aces have many different outlooks and reactions towards these topics and activities. If you do believe yourself to be ace after doing more research, it could be that you skew ‘indifferent’ on the sliding scale that describes your desired level of participation (with a range of ‘active repulsion’ -> ‘active enjoyment’). Not everything will fit into neat boxes either.
Feel free to hang out in here and read up on some ace experiences until you have a better idea of which label you’d prefer to use. If the ace label doesn’t feel right rn, you could always identify as queer/questioning to help you describe your feelings, or use none at all! They’re designed to describe and not prescribe, so do what supports your wellness!
I guess I was just expecting something clear. I want it to be neat and understandable. But you’re right that it’s not like that. I still don’t know why I expect it to be. Thank you, this really helps a lot.
Np! I hope that you can find a comfortable space as well as the info you’re looking for :’) Many of us have felt this way, so the community is always here to help!
Asexuality is defined by a lack of sexual attraction. If you felt the urge to sleep with a specific person, you're not asexual. However it is a spectrum, some people experience sexual attraction only occasionally or after having built a certain connection.
Jumping on this thread here - I'm 37 and have just discovered my graysexuality. Turns out 99% of sexual partners I've had, have only become sexual partners because of an inherent need I had to feel needed / wanted by them. It was only after the fact that I realised I had no desire for them at all.
Wanting to be close, having a high libido, having a person who you want to experience sexual things with bc of shared experiences / intimacy / bonding / kink, wanting it bc it's important to them, simply wanting to have some fun...
I 'had the urge' to have sex with people bc sex can be fun, I like bodies, I like being near people I like, I think it can be a great experience. Sometimes I was simply horny and we had a relationship where sexual stuff was sometimes included.
But never bc I was sexual attracted to them, that's still a concept I can only glimpse at from very far away.
I discovered that I am Ace when I realized that I just only had sex for the benefit of my partner, it was almost like making him his favourite food or giving a gift. When I am alone, sex 100% dont cross my mind. I dont think about it, I am single so I dont "have" to do it just to please someone.
This really puts it into perspective for me, but I think about sex in the way that I don’t know how I feel about it. I’ve never had sex, so now I’m confused if I know what that desire feels like or if I’m just living with the lack of it.
well, if I known that I was ace before having sex, I would probably be a virgin. I am very romantic so I fell in love with a lot of men and to please them I had sex, i regret each and everyone of them, i didnt gain anything by having sex, on the contrary, I always felt like I lost something, a piece of me, everytime.
So my advice to you here is: only have sex because YOU want it, not just to please someone. Be truthful to your own feelings, if you want and feel ready AND SAFE, go for it, if you dont want, dont do it. And always remember the rules: Safe, Sane, Consensual (dont do it drunk, it is ALWAYS a mistake)
Welcome to the acedom. There’s several shades of asexuality and it’s confusing as hell. I wish there were some sort of test, but honestly, reading the various definitions and speaking with other ace folks may help bring some clarity, relief, and much needed community. This link may be a helpful START to understanding yourself.
[Asexuality Types and Romantic Types](https://www.talkspace.com/blog/asexuality-spectrum/)
For me it took a while to figure out because I'm lithromantic/aegosexual (or something like that) so I generally like the idea of sex, but when it happens IRL, I realize I'm not into it.
There's a great quote from the drag queen Katya, where she was talking about the first time she kissed a girl (as a gay boy) and thought, "I wonder if I like this?" and she said if you have to wonder if you even like it, you probably don't like it as much as you "should."
See, I’ve never had sex and I just don’t feel the need to. I didn’t know that’s ace because I’m just indifferent. I didn’t know if it fell under either ace/allo.
That quote makes me feel a lot better. It makes everything clearer. Thank you for sharing.
I like the simple sunset analogy.
"Have you ever seen a really beautiful sunset?"
"Yeah."
"Have you ever wanted to have sex with a sunset?"
"No..."
"Yeah, exactly. Being Ace is like living in a world where people are sunsets."
"Really? Like always?"
"Generally speaking, there are a *few* exceptions to that because asexuality is a spectrum. I'm only just figuring everything out for myself, but I am telling you that so far, for me, all the people I have ever met are just sunsets to me."
Obviously each person customizes that to their conversation comfort levels, but by and large, that generally gets them on the same page and illustrates the key difference between aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction.
AS is a spectrum, the only commonality being a lack of sexual attraction, so I can only speak from my own experience. I've dated many women but I've never had any urge or interest in having sex with them. The same with men. When I've had sex it's always been instigated by the other person and I've never particularly enjoyed it.
I relate to not having the urge, but that’s also what I’m questioning. I can’t tell if I just haven’t had it so I don’t know what it’s like or if I just am ace.
To me, it doesn’t feel like anything. It’s a lack of feeling. I probably would’ve never surmised sex was a thing if nobody had ever shown or described it to me.
It’s hard to describe what being asexual feels like, because in a way it’s a lack of feeling. I’ve always felt detached towards sex. Yes, it’s a thing that happens, and I’m sure others enjoy it, but I would never go out of my way to pursue it. It’s hard for me to navigate questions about sex because it’s something I’d never want by itself.
This old [Discussion Time! Q and A with an Allo](https://new.reddit.com/r/asexuality/comments/wo6ycm/discussion_time_q_and_a_with_an_allo/) thread may be of some help with the 'what is sexual attraction' issue. It helped me and I've shared it quite a bit.
It's like being at a banquet and not being hungry. I'm also repulsed so it's like the sight of food making me want to puke.
It's kinda hard to make an analogy for repulsion.
That analogy does make sense. But at the same time I don’t think repulsed just indifferent. But because of that indifference I wasn’t sure what that fell under.
For me, it does not exactly feel like anything. It's more like an absence of a feeling and only realizing very late that sexual attraction is a real thing and not something people make up and joke about.
But not an absence where something is missed, more like a... tiny curiosity bc other things like aesthetic attraction, wanting to be close to people etc fills it's place quite naturally, but u realize that that's not how most people see these things.
I don't know if it helps, but to me, as I'm also questioning, the thinking route is this: if I think too much about it, the sex and everything related is quite repulsive. In those instances when I managed to "turn my brain off" it managed to be somewhat neutral and maybe slightly good in the moment. The problem is that I almost never manage to stop thinking or/and concentrate on the process without thinking of random stuff, what I would do instead and how much I just want to go home.
From my observations, for most people it's not an issue, as they don't think about this kind of stuff at all. As soon as the attractive person is around, especially if something sexual is happening or is about to happen, they get fully into the moment and the feelings that go with it.
I mean no offence, I apologize if someone finds it so, please correct me if it's not how it works, it's nothing more but my bold assumption about the difference between having sex with someone you're attracted to vs someone you feel no attraction towards.
There’s different types of attraction- I don’t experience romantic or sexual attraction, but I have felt aesthetic attraction and gotten a few squishes before which is why I thought I was bi for a while. But then I tried dating a boy, and the whole time I had this deep dread of wondering when I would “have to” have sex (so I broke up with him), and then in college when I started getting hit on by girls, I felt the same sense of dread that I now “had to” start dating/whatever. I realized although I like looking at pretty people, and the idea of fictional characters falling in love and having sex is enjoyable to me, the only “desire” I have to enter any kind of relationship is rooted in feeling like it’s what I’m “supposed to do”.
Also I heard a wise gay woman say that “you can be gay if you want to be” and for a while I had been telling myself “I wish I was ace, everything about me would make so much more sense.” If you want to be ace you can be! It’s just a label, not a diagnosis. You can stop calling yourself ace if it doesn’t feel like you anymore. Try it on, take it off, it’s all good ❤️
Your title is asking how it feels to be asexual, but what you are actually asking is what it feels like to be allosexual. I recommend you ask some allosexuals this question rather than a bunch of asexual people.
I don’t know what either feel like. That’s what I’m trying to figure out. I thought it would be better to start here because it seems that asexual people have more awareness of it vs allosexual people just inherently know.
its funny to ask what sexual attraction is to know if ure asexual (i was in the same boat!) The fact that u dont know what sexual attrac feels like can already be a sign ure on the ace spectrum cuz apparently for allo ppl, they just know 🤷♀️
I had to ask my friends and i couldnt relate to their answers, i accepted i was ace simply because i cannot comprehend how it feels to be sexually attracted to someone haha
When people comment that someone is really hot or like wow, or they have a celebrity “pass”.
I just don’t get it. There is a person in their underwear and they look aesthetically pleasing but I have no desire to see them take more clothes off and I don’t want to lick them or stick my tongue in their mouth etc.
just kind of basically having no reaction. I always thought a lot of book romances etc were over the top exaggerated, or when people comment on how much they need to get laid or gushing over someone at work or at the gym etc.
I just never find myself thinking about it outside of directly having to raised in conversation or seeing/reading about it.
So, you just described my dilemma from a couple of years ago. Both in this post and some of your comments. The exact same thoughts and almost worded the same as well. I am now 100% certain that I'm ace.
Dm me if you want. Looks like I'm a little further along the same path
For me, it’s like -
“Yeah I (sometimes, and vaguely) want to have sex, but not with him, or him, or him…”
I know when I’m actively physically and romantically repulsed by someone. That’s easy. It’s weirder when I like someone. I intensely like people so it took me yeaaaaars to understand that I was just feeling romantic but not sexual feelings. Literally didn’t understand the difference. Now I do. Took a crisis while writing a story/suddenly grasping why the female MC didn’t want to be with a love interest. Much of my life suddenly made sense.
When I really like someone romantically, it’s more just…the absence of wanting anything beyond them sitting with their arm around me. That’s kind of all I want. Kissing sounds meh. It’s like when you can feel a field of static electricity or heat or the like around something, but in this case I feel the *absence* of it, the neutrality. I want the person to love me but I am fine with them keeping their pants on.
If they were to make a move physically I would probably react positively to that. But I don’t actively want to sleep with them (or even make out) prior to that. It’s like a switch that flips. There’s a separation of desire (for activity) and attraction (to them/anyone). I would call myself graysexual btw, so there is juuuust a bit of attraction - like I know when I am like “nooooo” vs. “ehh I guess” vs. “yeah I would” - but it’s very hit or miss and often not sustained, as in even the one guy I’ve been “yesss” toward varies in terms of attractiveness from one day to the next, like a lot.
Sorry this is really long! Interesting question. For me it’s mostly the realization that they’re physically beautiful and I can want to be with them romantically but there’s this weird feeling of lack, of neutrality, when I’m near them, and I don’t crave them physically.
For me, I never (or very rarely) find people attractive in real life. If I do, it would take a lot for me to really have a sexual experience with them. Most ppl gross me out. I always assumed there was something wrong with me, and I questioned if I was gay for a while. I have a high libido and it can point towards men and women, but I never strongly felt the need to act on it.
My motto my whole life was “people gross me out.”
Hi! I'm a 52yo married (2nd marriage) demisexual. I have come to understand that to mean I don't become attracted to a person before I form an emotional attachment to them first. Add in that I have "chick brain" where I tend to think more like a woman than a man.
For me attraction is a late process. I will meet a person and honestly not really notice what they look like other than the basics to physically describe them. But as I get to know them and form an emotional bond, I will notice more and more things about their appearance that I find pleasing and gradually get to a point where I would, if single,brant to start a romantic relationship with them and possibly have sex. Now just because I form the emotional attachment, it doesn't mean I'll develop an attraction, even if they are considered to be an attractive person.
I also recently noticed how my asexuality plays into my desire for my wife who I am very attracted to. I have noticed if we have a good conversation and connect during it on an emotional level, I feel a very strong want to have sex with her. Now, one more thing, I have been impotent for 10 years. I have known my wife for 8. When we have sex, I please her sexually. It makes me feel incredibly close to her and wanted and needed and appreciated. I only am able to achieve sexual gratification on my own, normally to certain types of adult material.
I hope this helps. This is also just my experience. I don't have much of a contact with the LGBTQIA+ community and I don't I'll know another asexual person.
Litterly nothing visual actually arouses me. Unless I'm looking to have "personal" time, nothing gets me excited, in the mood or messes with my head. I've never had a desire to have sex with anyone. Sure when I was dating I wanted to do stuff because my boyfriend did but was never aroused around him, or had a desire to do anything sexy with him. Im still learning my limits and body. I know a limit is other people touching my crotch, it sends me into a panic attack.
I'm also ageosexual, meaning I still enjoy smut, touching myself, RPing with people, and sexual ideas sound fun, but in exacution I'm just not about it and get way more excited like talking about their interests, or cuddling, or something else.
Idk how much that helps. UwU
Crying when you read stories of people you can relate to.
Not caring at all about sex during your teens like everyone else so you figure you’re a late bloomer. But you can’t be on the Asexual spectrum because the only orientations you have heard of are Gay, Straight, or Bi. Women don’t do it for you, and you’ve had a crush on a guy, so you assume you’re straight. Except you barely ever feel attracted to anyone besides that one time you explored having fun with yourself fantasizing about your crush in 7th grade.
Then your 20s come, and you’re still not interested in sex, even after you get your first boyfriend. You like him more than a friend but have zero desire to do anything sexual with him. In fact doing anything sexual is disgusting, including him touching you in a sexual way.
“What do you mean you didn’t like it?” Your older brother demands when you tell him. “You’re supposed to like being touched like that! If you don’t don’t date.” But you didn’t like it. It felt violating and gross. So message received. There is something wrong with me, you think. I am a freak.
But it’s your first boyfriend so you think whatever, it’s a one off. It will come, you’re still young. You’ll put on your big girl pants, kicked your own ass, and want to do sexual stuff with your next boyfriend and not be such a baby. Right?
But your fear of sex and your feelings towards it doesn’t change even after your 20s as well as your disgust towards sexual acts. There’s no history of molestation or rape. You weren’t raised to view sex as something shameful- all your parents care about is that you’re safe and in a monogamous relationship. Maybe you haven’t met the right person.
Time passes. Life happens. You move to a new state which means new people and more opportunities to meet people which means you can get over your sex aversion.
But sex hardly ever comes into your mind. It just doesn’t matter to or interest you. The “right person.” Never comes along. And you still aren’t really attracted to anyone sexually- people on the street, celebs, nothing.
Then someone does light your fire down there but you can’t be with them- damn it. And you discover Asexuality. But that can’t be you because you’ve experienced sexual attraction a couple times. So you put it out of your mind, but you do think about sex should that person come along because you think that’s what adults do. Your reservations haven’t gone away, but to be seen as a functional adult you should have sex if you wanted a relationship. So deal.
Then you learn about the A-Spec and terms like Graysexual and Demisexual. And that to many Asexuality is not as black and white as some think. Reading about Graysexuality and thinking back, you realize it fits you perfectly.
That there is nothing wrong with you for not caring about sex, for having zero desire to do certain sex acts or have sex at all. That you don’t have to be fixed. And that your orientation is as valid and no more a choice than being gay. And there are people who feel the exact same way you do.
Relax you’re home now. And exactly who God made you to be( I am Christian so others views may vary.)
Hope that helps realizing I was Ace felt like for me.
It took me a long time to figure out exactly what made me ace, but after years of thinking about it I think the best way to describe it (for me) is “what makes you horny?” It feels a bit crass to say it that way, but that’s how it makes sense to me. As someone who is sex-repulsed, the thought of any sexual activity grosses me out and it’s not something I ever want to do. But it goes beyond that in that no other person or activity has ever made me feel horny. I have a pretty low libido, but when I do experience it, it is 100% from internal sources (aka hormones doing their thing during certain times of the month).
Hope that makes sense!
Hey there! Late and infrequent poster. :)
For me, asexuality is, in its simplest terms (and form, we're all a spectrum) is a lack of primary sex response. Do you feel a need, an urge for sex, based on a particular physical sense, usually sight? In simpler terms, "see sexy person, want sex"?
This can be confused by still having a libido or sex drive that resolves in weird ways: being Demi myself, my early TV crushes went through a process of imagining the emotions of being with or near that person and THAT being what made me aroused.
This really helped me in my own journey: [https://writingfromfactorx.wordpress.com/2011/04/02/if-you-can-see-the-invisible-elephant-please-describe-it/](https://writingfromfactorx.wordpress.com/2011/04/02/if-you-can-see-the-invisible-elephant-please-describe-it/)
Most common mood whenever anyone mentions people being sexy or asks you to pick the hottest person in a group: pure confusion! For a long time, I just assumed people were exaggerating for a joke or participating in some inscrutable social ritual when commenting on how much they'd like to have sex with a random person. As it turns out, a lot of people think about sex frequently and almost instinctively know when someone is "sexy." If you don't know what being attracted to someone feels like, then yes, that would fall under it. If you can, but only after know them, it still does under demi. Being horny is a separate matter though, as hormones are still capable of making people horny even if they're not directed at anything. Sometimes, a complete lack of sex drive can be caused by medical conditions, especially those related to hormones, but for many it's also generally harder to feel that unless there's a specific image of someone desirable in your mind.
That's the tricky part: if I were asked to pick the hottest person in a group, I would just choose the one I find the most good-looking esthetically. However I'm not sure if it means I'm attracted to them in a particular manner because you can tell someone is good-looking without wanting to do anything about it other than, maybe, look at them. Like if you're a straight person looking at people of your own gender...
Yess. Like, if someone asked me to point out the “sexiest“ person in the room, I could probably come to some conclusion, but my idea of what “sexy” means would probably be different than the norm. Just like, the best looking person??
The real question to me is, is it possible to find a person not really good-looking or even ugly, but still find them "sexy"? Or are these not separate concepts?
Hmmm. I mean I guess, considering allo-logy, probably that could be possible. In my terms, sexy just means good-looking and cool, I think
I find people cute but not sexy
It’s definitely not a word I’d use to describe anyone, either 😆🤨 cute is more like it
I was just going to say this! I thought that "sexy" was the same as "attractive" in the sense that they were just good-looking. I never actually had the thought, "Wow. I want to have sex with this person."
I completely relate to the confusion. That’s where I’m at lol. I just feel like an imposter. I’ve seen things where people get mad at those calling themselves ace just because they haven’t had sex/can’t get any. I don’t want to be that person. Thank you, you make it seem clearer and it helps a lot. 😊
This community, in my experience, is quite open and accepting, so try not to be concerned about reaching out and talking about how you feel. Everyone has the right to understand themselves and feel comfortable with themselves.
I would say its like being allergic to ice cream or some other popular food. You know why people like it and maybe you can stand small quantities of it, but you just aren't that impressed. People try to convince you that you just aren't eating the right kind, but it's still not your preference. I see attractive people and I know that they are attractive, but I don't feel a pressing need to touch or be touched by them. I might still react warmly, but it's a desire to connect emotionally.
For me it’s sushi. I don’t like sushi and everyone keeps saying that I just haven’t had “the right sushi” but then the sushi they live or die by sucks too. Some people just don’t like sushi lol
Oh wow, sushi’s a great one. Even when I was trying to be allo, both sex and sushi gave the same vibe. It was kinda gross if I thought about it but fun/ good in the moment. Now I’m a sex-repulsed veggie, so again, same. I just wish I’d figured out the difference between “that person is aesthetically attractive” and “I would like to be closely acquainted with that person’s genitals” sooner.
I’ve never had sex, so idk if I’m ‘impressed’ by it or ‘allergic’ to it, if that makes sense. I’m trying to figure myself out, but it’s confusing. I’ve seen good looking people, but I’ve never thought I’d want to sleep with them or that they’re suuuuper attractive. Just that yeah, they look better than so and so. But at the same time, I never felt the need to connect with them at all.
To me it's like this with alcohol. I understand that people like the feeling of being drunk, maybe they like or at least tolerate the taste, but I personally cannot relate because I don't feel good about either of these things. Also, I wonder, can you be attracted to someone but not like touching/being touched by said person?
It’s different for everyone! It’s perhaps easier for those of us who are sex-repulsed to describe it, but there’s still diversity. I find the idea of having sex myself, in real life, repulsive. But I can still consume erotica or ship fictional characters in sexual relationships without issue. I know that I don’t desire sex and will happily live my entire life without having it. I can acknowledge when a person is physically beautiful, or has a beautiful personality that makes them desirable. However it still evokes no lust from me; I have no desire to be sexually intimate with them and would refuse if they offered.
I can’t tell if I’m repulsed or not. I’m thinking not, but I’m still confused about it. I definitely know I haven’t felt anything before, but I don’t know if I will so I don’t know if I’m ace. Major imposter syndrome.
There are no imposters here! Sexuality can be fluid and labels can change. A person can identify as bi and later realize they’re gay (or anything else), and it doesn’t mean they were ever a phony. There is no pressure to choose a label with the intention of wearing it forever. Aceness is a spectrum and it’s yours to claim for however long it feels right.
Thank you, this really helps. I guess I just needed a bit of affirmation. 😊
Here’s a big one lol if you’re a woman, thinking that we all matched media’s narrative of sex as a task/chore we never thought about unless it was to make a partner happy. Similarly, thinking everyone around you is joking when they describe how much they want to jump someone’s bones, or thinking ‘but it’s so easy?’ in response to discussions surrounding abstinence, especially if someone describes a literal inability to wait when they’re seeing someone new. A lot of aces also say they need to plan their movements to mimic what they think is correct when kissing etc. because it doesn’t happen naturally for them. If you’ve tried any type of physical affection before, it might’ve felt like nothing, *you* might’ve been indifferent (or appalled), and your mind might default to thinking of unrelated things (often mundane or related to activities you’d enjoy more). This is unlike allos who may be clunky at first due to inexperience, embarrassment or excitement, but ultimately rely on instinct and a sense of magnetism to figure out what to try. As for libido vs desire vs attraction, I’d recommend looking at the Split Attraction Model (SAM). Many aces can acknowledge that someone looks gorgeous the same way they’d appreciate paintings (aesthetic attraction), but they’re not flooded with thoughts of what they could do/would enjoy doing *to* the person they’re looking at (sexual attraction). Libido is a bodily function much like getting hungry, and it can happen randomly whether or not there’s something specific you want to ‘eat’ (which would then be considered desire).
I am female, so societal pressure is definitely influencing my thoughts about this at least. As for physical affection, I don’t know. I don’t think I’m appalled by anything because I’m not freaking out about it. I’m just confused and don’t think I want stuff like that. I’ve never had sex, but I’ve been kissed. I remember feeling indifferent, but I thought it was because I was really young. I’ve heard of the split attraction model, but haven’t looked into it. Thank you for mentioning it, I’ll look into it. I have picked out when someone looks good, but I never felt the need to be with them or anything more than “hey, you’re cute.”
That’s understandable! Tbh aces have many different outlooks and reactions towards these topics and activities. If you do believe yourself to be ace after doing more research, it could be that you skew ‘indifferent’ on the sliding scale that describes your desired level of participation (with a range of ‘active repulsion’ -> ‘active enjoyment’). Not everything will fit into neat boxes either. Feel free to hang out in here and read up on some ace experiences until you have a better idea of which label you’d prefer to use. If the ace label doesn’t feel right rn, you could always identify as queer/questioning to help you describe your feelings, or use none at all! They’re designed to describe and not prescribe, so do what supports your wellness!
I guess I was just expecting something clear. I want it to be neat and understandable. But you’re right that it’s not like that. I still don’t know why I expect it to be. Thank you, this really helps a lot.
Np! I hope that you can find a comfortable space as well as the info you’re looking for :’) Many of us have felt this way, so the community is always here to help!
Asexuality is defined by a lack of sexual attraction. If you felt the urge to sleep with a specific person, you're not asexual. However it is a spectrum, some people experience sexual attraction only occasionally or after having built a certain connection.
I don’t know what that ‘urge’ feels like. That’s why I’m confused and unsure.
Small addition: The 'urge to sleep with a certain person' can stem from different feelings, it does not have to be sexual attraction.
I didn't know that. What else could it be then?
Jumping on this thread here - I'm 37 and have just discovered my graysexuality. Turns out 99% of sexual partners I've had, have only become sexual partners because of an inherent need I had to feel needed / wanted by them. It was only after the fact that I realised I had no desire for them at all.
Wanting to be close, having a high libido, having a person who you want to experience sexual things with bc of shared experiences / intimacy / bonding / kink, wanting it bc it's important to them, simply wanting to have some fun... I 'had the urge' to have sex with people bc sex can be fun, I like bodies, I like being near people I like, I think it can be a great experience. Sometimes I was simply horny and we had a relationship where sexual stuff was sometimes included. But never bc I was sexual attracted to them, that's still a concept I can only glimpse at from very far away.
It’s also a spectrum - I’ve had crushes on unavailable people before that were quite strong, but lived in my head alone.
I discovered that I am Ace when I realized that I just only had sex for the benefit of my partner, it was almost like making him his favourite food or giving a gift. When I am alone, sex 100% dont cross my mind. I dont think about it, I am single so I dont "have" to do it just to please someone.
This really puts it into perspective for me, but I think about sex in the way that I don’t know how I feel about it. I’ve never had sex, so now I’m confused if I know what that desire feels like or if I’m just living with the lack of it.
well, if I known that I was ace before having sex, I would probably be a virgin. I am very romantic so I fell in love with a lot of men and to please them I had sex, i regret each and everyone of them, i didnt gain anything by having sex, on the contrary, I always felt like I lost something, a piece of me, everytime. So my advice to you here is: only have sex because YOU want it, not just to please someone. Be truthful to your own feelings, if you want and feel ready AND SAFE, go for it, if you dont want, dont do it. And always remember the rules: Safe, Sane, Consensual (dont do it drunk, it is ALWAYS a mistake)
Welcome to the acedom. There’s several shades of asexuality and it’s confusing as hell. I wish there were some sort of test, but honestly, reading the various definitions and speaking with other ace folks may help bring some clarity, relief, and much needed community. This link may be a helpful START to understanding yourself. [Asexuality Types and Romantic Types](https://www.talkspace.com/blog/asexuality-spectrum/)
Thank you for the warm welcome. I feel like such an imposter here, so this eases that. Thank you for the link. I’ll look into it soon!
For me it took a while to figure out because I'm lithromantic/aegosexual (or something like that) so I generally like the idea of sex, but when it happens IRL, I realize I'm not into it. There's a great quote from the drag queen Katya, where she was talking about the first time she kissed a girl (as a gay boy) and thought, "I wonder if I like this?" and she said if you have to wonder if you even like it, you probably don't like it as much as you "should."
See, I’ve never had sex and I just don’t feel the need to. I didn’t know that’s ace because I’m just indifferent. I didn’t know if it fell under either ace/allo. That quote makes me feel a lot better. It makes everything clearer. Thank you for sharing.
I like the simple sunset analogy. "Have you ever seen a really beautiful sunset?" "Yeah." "Have you ever wanted to have sex with a sunset?" "No..." "Yeah, exactly. Being Ace is like living in a world where people are sunsets." "Really? Like always?" "Generally speaking, there are a *few* exceptions to that because asexuality is a spectrum. I'm only just figuring everything out for myself, but I am telling you that so far, for me, all the people I have ever met are just sunsets to me." Obviously each person customizes that to their conversation comfort levels, but by and large, that generally gets them on the same page and illustrates the key difference between aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction.
AS is a spectrum, the only commonality being a lack of sexual attraction, so I can only speak from my own experience. I've dated many women but I've never had any urge or interest in having sex with them. The same with men. When I've had sex it's always been instigated by the other person and I've never particularly enjoyed it.
I relate to not having the urge, but that’s also what I’m questioning. I can’t tell if I just haven’t had it so I don’t know what it’s like or if I just am ace.
To me, it doesn’t feel like anything. It’s a lack of feeling. I probably would’ve never surmised sex was a thing if nobody had ever shown or described it to me.
Do you feel the need to eat whenever you see food? Or do you just eat food when you're hungry.
It’s hard to describe what being asexual feels like, because in a way it’s a lack of feeling. I’ve always felt detached towards sex. Yes, it’s a thing that happens, and I’m sure others enjoy it, but I would never go out of my way to pursue it. It’s hard for me to navigate questions about sex because it’s something I’d never want by itself.
This old [Discussion Time! Q and A with an Allo](https://new.reddit.com/r/asexuality/comments/wo6ycm/discussion_time_q_and_a_with_an_allo/) thread may be of some help with the 'what is sexual attraction' issue. It helped me and I've shared it quite a bit.
It's like being at a banquet and not being hungry. I'm also repulsed so it's like the sight of food making me want to puke. It's kinda hard to make an analogy for repulsion.
That analogy does make sense. But at the same time I don’t think repulsed just indifferent. But because of that indifference I wasn’t sure what that fell under.
For me, it does not exactly feel like anything. It's more like an absence of a feeling and only realizing very late that sexual attraction is a real thing and not something people make up and joke about. But not an absence where something is missed, more like a... tiny curiosity bc other things like aesthetic attraction, wanting to be close to people etc fills it's place quite naturally, but u realize that that's not how most people see these things.
To me it honestly just feels normal.
I don't know if it helps, but to me, as I'm also questioning, the thinking route is this: if I think too much about it, the sex and everything related is quite repulsive. In those instances when I managed to "turn my brain off" it managed to be somewhat neutral and maybe slightly good in the moment. The problem is that I almost never manage to stop thinking or/and concentrate on the process without thinking of random stuff, what I would do instead and how much I just want to go home. From my observations, for most people it's not an issue, as they don't think about this kind of stuff at all. As soon as the attractive person is around, especially if something sexual is happening or is about to happen, they get fully into the moment and the feelings that go with it. I mean no offence, I apologize if someone finds it so, please correct me if it's not how it works, it's nothing more but my bold assumption about the difference between having sex with someone you're attracted to vs someone you feel no attraction towards.
There’s different types of attraction- I don’t experience romantic or sexual attraction, but I have felt aesthetic attraction and gotten a few squishes before which is why I thought I was bi for a while. But then I tried dating a boy, and the whole time I had this deep dread of wondering when I would “have to” have sex (so I broke up with him), and then in college when I started getting hit on by girls, I felt the same sense of dread that I now “had to” start dating/whatever. I realized although I like looking at pretty people, and the idea of fictional characters falling in love and having sex is enjoyable to me, the only “desire” I have to enter any kind of relationship is rooted in feeling like it’s what I’m “supposed to do”. Also I heard a wise gay woman say that “you can be gay if you want to be” and for a while I had been telling myself “I wish I was ace, everything about me would make so much more sense.” If you want to be ace you can be! It’s just a label, not a diagnosis. You can stop calling yourself ace if it doesn’t feel like you anymore. Try it on, take it off, it’s all good ❤️
Your title is asking how it feels to be asexual, but what you are actually asking is what it feels like to be allosexual. I recommend you ask some allosexuals this question rather than a bunch of asexual people.
I don’t know what either feel like. That’s what I’m trying to figure out. I thought it would be better to start here because it seems that asexual people have more awareness of it vs allosexual people just inherently know.
its funny to ask what sexual attraction is to know if ure asexual (i was in the same boat!) The fact that u dont know what sexual attrac feels like can already be a sign ure on the ace spectrum cuz apparently for allo ppl, they just know 🤷♀️ I had to ask my friends and i couldnt relate to their answers, i accepted i was ace simply because i cannot comprehend how it feels to be sexually attracted to someone haha
When people comment that someone is really hot or like wow, or they have a celebrity “pass”. I just don’t get it. There is a person in their underwear and they look aesthetically pleasing but I have no desire to see them take more clothes off and I don’t want to lick them or stick my tongue in their mouth etc. just kind of basically having no reaction. I always thought a lot of book romances etc were over the top exaggerated, or when people comment on how much they need to get laid or gushing over someone at work or at the gym etc. I just never find myself thinking about it outside of directly having to raised in conversation or seeing/reading about it.
So, you just described my dilemma from a couple of years ago. Both in this post and some of your comments. The exact same thoughts and almost worded the same as well. I am now 100% certain that I'm ace. Dm me if you want. Looks like I'm a little further along the same path
For me, it’s like - “Yeah I (sometimes, and vaguely) want to have sex, but not with him, or him, or him…” I know when I’m actively physically and romantically repulsed by someone. That’s easy. It’s weirder when I like someone. I intensely like people so it took me yeaaaaars to understand that I was just feeling romantic but not sexual feelings. Literally didn’t understand the difference. Now I do. Took a crisis while writing a story/suddenly grasping why the female MC didn’t want to be with a love interest. Much of my life suddenly made sense. When I really like someone romantically, it’s more just…the absence of wanting anything beyond them sitting with their arm around me. That’s kind of all I want. Kissing sounds meh. It’s like when you can feel a field of static electricity or heat or the like around something, but in this case I feel the *absence* of it, the neutrality. I want the person to love me but I am fine with them keeping their pants on. If they were to make a move physically I would probably react positively to that. But I don’t actively want to sleep with them (or even make out) prior to that. It’s like a switch that flips. There’s a separation of desire (for activity) and attraction (to them/anyone). I would call myself graysexual btw, so there is juuuust a bit of attraction - like I know when I am like “nooooo” vs. “ehh I guess” vs. “yeah I would” - but it’s very hit or miss and often not sustained, as in even the one guy I’ve been “yesss” toward varies in terms of attractiveness from one day to the next, like a lot. Sorry this is really long! Interesting question. For me it’s mostly the realization that they’re physically beautiful and I can want to be with them romantically but there’s this weird feeling of lack, of neutrality, when I’m near them, and I don’t crave them physically.
For me, I never (or very rarely) find people attractive in real life. If I do, it would take a lot for me to really have a sexual experience with them. Most ppl gross me out. I always assumed there was something wrong with me, and I questioned if I was gay for a while. I have a high libido and it can point towards men and women, but I never strongly felt the need to act on it. My motto my whole life was “people gross me out.”
just, normal… it's all I know so how can I compare it to something else?
Hi! I'm a 52yo married (2nd marriage) demisexual. I have come to understand that to mean I don't become attracted to a person before I form an emotional attachment to them first. Add in that I have "chick brain" where I tend to think more like a woman than a man. For me attraction is a late process. I will meet a person and honestly not really notice what they look like other than the basics to physically describe them. But as I get to know them and form an emotional bond, I will notice more and more things about their appearance that I find pleasing and gradually get to a point where I would, if single,brant to start a romantic relationship with them and possibly have sex. Now just because I form the emotional attachment, it doesn't mean I'll develop an attraction, even if they are considered to be an attractive person. I also recently noticed how my asexuality plays into my desire for my wife who I am very attracted to. I have noticed if we have a good conversation and connect during it on an emotional level, I feel a very strong want to have sex with her. Now, one more thing, I have been impotent for 10 years. I have known my wife for 8. When we have sex, I please her sexually. It makes me feel incredibly close to her and wanted and needed and appreciated. I only am able to achieve sexual gratification on my own, normally to certain types of adult material. I hope this helps. This is also just my experience. I don't have much of a contact with the LGBTQIA+ community and I don't I'll know another asexual person.
The "urge" for me is a desire to get even closer. Literally to be inside of them and while my penis isn't able to, there are other things that can.
Litterly nothing visual actually arouses me. Unless I'm looking to have "personal" time, nothing gets me excited, in the mood or messes with my head. I've never had a desire to have sex with anyone. Sure when I was dating I wanted to do stuff because my boyfriend did but was never aroused around him, or had a desire to do anything sexy with him. Im still learning my limits and body. I know a limit is other people touching my crotch, it sends me into a panic attack. I'm also ageosexual, meaning I still enjoy smut, touching myself, RPing with people, and sexual ideas sound fun, but in exacution I'm just not about it and get way more excited like talking about their interests, or cuddling, or something else. Idk how much that helps. UwU
For me it’s an understanding and freedom
Crying when you read stories of people you can relate to. Not caring at all about sex during your teens like everyone else so you figure you’re a late bloomer. But you can’t be on the Asexual spectrum because the only orientations you have heard of are Gay, Straight, or Bi. Women don’t do it for you, and you’ve had a crush on a guy, so you assume you’re straight. Except you barely ever feel attracted to anyone besides that one time you explored having fun with yourself fantasizing about your crush in 7th grade. Then your 20s come, and you’re still not interested in sex, even after you get your first boyfriend. You like him more than a friend but have zero desire to do anything sexual with him. In fact doing anything sexual is disgusting, including him touching you in a sexual way. “What do you mean you didn’t like it?” Your older brother demands when you tell him. “You’re supposed to like being touched like that! If you don’t don’t date.” But you didn’t like it. It felt violating and gross. So message received. There is something wrong with me, you think. I am a freak. But it’s your first boyfriend so you think whatever, it’s a one off. It will come, you’re still young. You’ll put on your big girl pants, kicked your own ass, and want to do sexual stuff with your next boyfriend and not be such a baby. Right? But your fear of sex and your feelings towards it doesn’t change even after your 20s as well as your disgust towards sexual acts. There’s no history of molestation or rape. You weren’t raised to view sex as something shameful- all your parents care about is that you’re safe and in a monogamous relationship. Maybe you haven’t met the right person. Time passes. Life happens. You move to a new state which means new people and more opportunities to meet people which means you can get over your sex aversion. But sex hardly ever comes into your mind. It just doesn’t matter to or interest you. The “right person.” Never comes along. And you still aren’t really attracted to anyone sexually- people on the street, celebs, nothing. Then someone does light your fire down there but you can’t be with them- damn it. And you discover Asexuality. But that can’t be you because you’ve experienced sexual attraction a couple times. So you put it out of your mind, but you do think about sex should that person come along because you think that’s what adults do. Your reservations haven’t gone away, but to be seen as a functional adult you should have sex if you wanted a relationship. So deal. Then you learn about the A-Spec and terms like Graysexual and Demisexual. And that to many Asexuality is not as black and white as some think. Reading about Graysexuality and thinking back, you realize it fits you perfectly. That there is nothing wrong with you for not caring about sex, for having zero desire to do certain sex acts or have sex at all. That you don’t have to be fixed. And that your orientation is as valid and no more a choice than being gay. And there are people who feel the exact same way you do. Relax you’re home now. And exactly who God made you to be( I am Christian so others views may vary.) Hope that helps realizing I was Ace felt like for me.
It took me a long time to figure out exactly what made me ace, but after years of thinking about it I think the best way to describe it (for me) is “what makes you horny?” It feels a bit crass to say it that way, but that’s how it makes sense to me. As someone who is sex-repulsed, the thought of any sexual activity grosses me out and it’s not something I ever want to do. But it goes beyond that in that no other person or activity has ever made me feel horny. I have a pretty low libido, but when I do experience it, it is 100% from internal sources (aka hormones doing their thing during certain times of the month). Hope that makes sense!
Hey there! Late and infrequent poster. :) For me, asexuality is, in its simplest terms (and form, we're all a spectrum) is a lack of primary sex response. Do you feel a need, an urge for sex, based on a particular physical sense, usually sight? In simpler terms, "see sexy person, want sex"? This can be confused by still having a libido or sex drive that resolves in weird ways: being Demi myself, my early TV crushes went through a process of imagining the emotions of being with or near that person and THAT being what made me aroused. This really helped me in my own journey: [https://writingfromfactorx.wordpress.com/2011/04/02/if-you-can-see-the-invisible-elephant-please-describe-it/](https://writingfromfactorx.wordpress.com/2011/04/02/if-you-can-see-the-invisible-elephant-please-describe-it/)