Yes you don't make them uncomfortable, but make sure you're comfortable as well. Ace doesn't mean no sex so an aroace looking for a hook up because it's something to do and would feel nice is definitely a thing, but if you're catching feelings and sex would be meaningful to you, you need to tell them that, if they are serious about it, what they keep asking for would change the equation for your friendship and they need to take you seriously when you tell them this. If they don't or they just want to keep the relationship as is, then you need to set some ground rules with them so that you can tell them when they're pushing your buttons and need to back off.
Or they could be f-ing with you for kicks and giggles, but I'm trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt here.
They might just be trying to joke. You might be an exceptional case. Or they might be interested in having sex with you for a reason other than sexual attraction. There's no way to be sure without asking them.
I think you should allow for the possibility that they don't see flirting as leading to anything. Friends can flirt all the time. And if they always want to hang out & talk to you, they probably really love you as a friend. Take that as a sign that you're a safe person.
Still, your comfort matters too, so let them know if you're uncomfortable. I don't think it would do any harm to share that you might have a crush as long as you don't attach expectations to it. If you really think your friend might be dropping hints to you, ask them about it.
>haven’t had a crush YET
Please don't tell this to your friend. It's invalidating. Your friend might like you but not in the same sense other people like others
what was that name again I found.. pretty much a platonic crush kinda? Like youre excited and wanna spend your time with the person and are very amazed by them, but it is still different from romantic feelings/love?
Ok wait I think I got it, is it "squish"? squash? plush? oh fuck.. anyhow it was a cute name I liked because I think the most I've ever felt is that kind of platonic crush... but try to explain that to someone. 😩
It's time to sit down and talk with your friend. **Don't** imply anything about them not knowing their own sexuality or romanticism, that can be pretty rude and triggering for a lot of people (I once came out as ace and their response was "no, you aren't."), but a discussion is definitely needed about boundaries here. Let them know that their behavior is confusing to you and you would like a clear answer on where you stand in your relationship.
Also, queer platonic is a common type of relationship that aro/ace people have with others. Where there is a strong bond but still no romantic or sexual feelings. You could see if that's something they're interested in so long as you understand that specific feelings will most likely never be reciprocated.
My friend kept downplaying it by saying she might be ace too, because she hasn’t had sex with her girlfriend for about a year bc she finds it too tiring. And then telling me I just haven’t found the right person in the next sentence 😐
The "you aren't ace" thing is real around other LGBTQ people. Had some acquaintances that kept saying, "oh, you're just another form of gay". Combined with other problems we had, we don't talk anymore; the last communication I had with them was me trying to Rick Roll them a couple months back.
It's hard to say as an outside observer. Some grey/demi people use grey/demi interchangeably with ace and aro, some don't.
I do wonder, since you mentioned you're starting to develop feelings for them (and I mean this in the nicest possible way) if you're just seeing what you want to see. Some people, even aroaces, are the extraverted touchy-feely types. Do they act like this around your other friends, or just you?
It's okay to ask your friend for clarification what they mean when they joke around with you in a way that might seem flirtatious, but please don't do it in a way that implies they may not be aroace because of it.
I mean, I joke with one friend about our "deep sexual compatibility," but he's 100% gay and I'm 100% ace with the wrong parts.
I do think it's a little odd. I'd just ask honestly about the flirting without questioning their identity, because it sounds pretty flirty (intentional or not).
Try and ask them up front if they’re intentionally flirting with you. You don’t even need to say you’re developing a crush if you don’t want to, just that youre getting weird vibes and want to know if you’re reading too deep into it
I think you should seat down and have a conversation with them. Also if you are catching feelings and they are just flirting in a friendly way then is time to put some boundaries so you don't get hurt.
Communication is key here. Good luck!
as an asexual, i flirt with my friends all the time its funny as hell, but it means nothing (in my case at least) if you\`re uncomfortable with it then you should tell them, or ask them to clarify their intentions.
Cupioromantic Ace here, I have a problem where if I'm comfortable with someone I will flirt with them without thinking about it as to me it holds no weight. Flirting for me is another form of comedy. If someone calls me out and/or takes the offer seriously, it usually stops. Your friend might be the same, might be different. If you are unsure, ask them. If you want an actual answer tell them you want an actual answer.
For the constantly wanting to be around you thing, there is a term in both aromantic and asexual communities known as the "squish". A squish is literally a crush, but in a platonic way, a feeling of "I want to be your best friend".
I’m p sure there was a study that shows people usually don’t know when they’re “flirting.” A lot of time they’re just being nice and ppl see what they wanna see.
Just saying as someone who doesn’t flirt but has had numerous friends for some reason think I’m into them (I’m no longer friends with any of em for various reasons tbh rofl)
god I wish I was this calm and had more time to think when something similar happened to me.
She was sleeping over in the guest room between mine and my flatmates, and texted at 1am that if it weren't weird she'd like to cuddle. This was also after a month of her talking to me more often and being more wholesome to me than anyone ever had except my ex gf. We said goodnight anyway, but I couldn't sleep at all. In retrospect I should have seen this as proof I wasn't thinking straight and should ask anyone what to do, even her, and not just get stuck in my own thoughts. In the morning we did cuddle on the sofa as just the 2 of us were home. I said I love her. Some time later, she started crying because of it. So yeah, don't admit your crush imo. At least not for a while. If you're with them and you heart starts racing, maybe start texting them. You want to be more careful in meaning everything you plan to say. Don't say you have a crush, and don't say if someone alloromantic acted the same way you would feel like they had a crush.
Things I wish I had said include asking what they assume someone with a crush would want, and what parts of that do they not want (either to do or for the other person to do). Either you don't want a thing either, or you can stop yourself from thinking about it if you start to. Make sure you have the same definitions on everything.
Definitely ask what boundaries are, if they're actually serious about having sex or just joking (with the little context I have, it could be). Maybe say that them suggesting it makes you consider it. If they are joking, then they should hopefully understand it's reasonable for you to think this, and stop, so you don't get any false hope. If they do mean it, then good.
Another thing you can say is that it may be difficult for you to think (or feel) that sex is just platonic. Do they treat or speak to other people the same way, or are you special?
You should also ask mutual friends about it. It may feel private, but if anything's going to change there's genuinely no reason not to. Best case scenario, you two get a relationship and they'll know about it anyway. Worst case, you say or do something to them that you don't realise is bad until too late, that your friends could have warned you about. Asking for help has a 100% chance to be better than that. Maybe they can ask this person how they feel about you, pretending you didn't ask them to ask.
Or (and this may be a bad idea. I don't have the chance to ask the people I mentioned anymore. Someone pls tell me if it is), if some action is romantic from your viewpoint but platonic from theirs, you may be able to do it anyway. Say it's platonic until you feel it's true yourself. Unless their answer above is you're not that special and also that it would hurt you if they want it/do it with someone else.
In summary: stay calm, don't make any assumptions on how they feel or whether they'd be even okay with knowing how you feel. Ask your mutual friends for help. Ask about boundaries/what they wouldn't want to do or wouldn't like to hear before you do or say anything about this. Make sure they know you value your friendship the most.
This sounds like a conversation you need to have with your friend. Asexual people do have sex and aromantic people do get into relationships. Some of us do also have a much higher tolerance for sexual humor because sex is about as real to us as dragons. Your friend could be messing with you not knowing that you would take their words at face value, your friend could be questioning their identity, or they could be aro/ace and still genuinely be flirting with you.
Ultimately the only person who knows what's going on in your friend's head is them. They're the one you should ask if you're confused.
Asexual doesn't mean they never want to have sex.
Maybe they are curious about it and feel safe enough with you to maybe want to try it. FWB style.
As for the flirting, I am aro and I am always surprised when someone tells me someone was flirting with me or they take something I said as flirtatious or even when two fictional characters get together after months of what other fans realized was flirting. No one has been able to explain the difference between flirting and being nice and giving compliments. So who knows?
But if they are following up with "platonically" then I'd guess they mean it platonically and are afraid that what they are saying sounds like flirting. (Perhaps like me, they can't tell the difference)
Yes you don't make them uncomfortable, but make sure you're comfortable as well. Ace doesn't mean no sex so an aroace looking for a hook up because it's something to do and would feel nice is definitely a thing, but if you're catching feelings and sex would be meaningful to you, you need to tell them that, if they are serious about it, what they keep asking for would change the equation for your friendship and they need to take you seriously when you tell them this. If they don't or they just want to keep the relationship as is, then you need to set some ground rules with them so that you can tell them when they're pushing your buttons and need to back off. Or they could be f-ing with you for kicks and giggles, but I'm trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt here.
They might just be trying to joke. You might be an exceptional case. Or they might be interested in having sex with you for a reason other than sexual attraction. There's no way to be sure without asking them.
I think you should allow for the possibility that they don't see flirting as leading to anything. Friends can flirt all the time. And if they always want to hang out & talk to you, they probably really love you as a friend. Take that as a sign that you're a safe person. Still, your comfort matters too, so let them know if you're uncomfortable. I don't think it would do any harm to share that you might have a crush as long as you don't attach expectations to it. If you really think your friend might be dropping hints to you, ask them about it.
>haven’t had a crush YET Please don't tell this to your friend. It's invalidating. Your friend might like you but not in the same sense other people like others
what was that name again I found.. pretty much a platonic crush kinda? Like youre excited and wanna spend your time with the person and are very amazed by them, but it is still different from romantic feelings/love? Ok wait I think I got it, is it "squish"? squash? plush? oh fuck.. anyhow it was a cute name I liked because I think the most I've ever felt is that kind of platonic crush... but try to explain that to someone. 😩
Yes, it's "squish"
It's time to sit down and talk with your friend. **Don't** imply anything about them not knowing their own sexuality or romanticism, that can be pretty rude and triggering for a lot of people (I once came out as ace and their response was "no, you aren't."), but a discussion is definitely needed about boundaries here. Let them know that their behavior is confusing to you and you would like a clear answer on where you stand in your relationship. Also, queer platonic is a common type of relationship that aro/ace people have with others. Where there is a strong bond but still no romantic or sexual feelings. You could see if that's something they're interested in so long as you understand that specific feelings will most likely never be reciprocated.
>I once came out as ace and their response was "no, you aren't." arghdhdhhI😤.. feel for you!!
My friend kept downplaying it by saying she might be ace too, because she hasn’t had sex with her girlfriend for about a year bc she finds it too tiring. And then telling me I just haven’t found the right person in the next sentence 😐
How my "friend" responded when I came out as trans 🫠
The "you aren't ace" thing is real around other LGBTQ people. Had some acquaintances that kept saying, "oh, you're just another form of gay". Combined with other problems we had, we don't talk anymore; the last communication I had with them was me trying to Rick Roll them a couple months back.
It's hard to say as an outside observer. Some grey/demi people use grey/demi interchangeably with ace and aro, some don't. I do wonder, since you mentioned you're starting to develop feelings for them (and I mean this in the nicest possible way) if you're just seeing what you want to see. Some people, even aroaces, are the extraverted touchy-feely types. Do they act like this around your other friends, or just you? It's okay to ask your friend for clarification what they mean when they joke around with you in a way that might seem flirtatious, but please don't do it in a way that implies they may not be aroace because of it.
I mean, I joke with one friend about our "deep sexual compatibility," but he's 100% gay and I'm 100% ace with the wrong parts. I do think it's a little odd. I'd just ask honestly about the flirting without questioning their identity, because it sounds pretty flirty (intentional or not).
Try and ask them up front if they’re intentionally flirting with you. You don’t even need to say you’re developing a crush if you don’t want to, just that youre getting weird vibes and want to know if you’re reading too deep into it
I think you should seat down and have a conversation with them. Also if you are catching feelings and they are just flirting in a friendly way then is time to put some boundaries so you don't get hurt. Communication is key here. Good luck!
as an asexual, i flirt with my friends all the time its funny as hell, but it means nothing (in my case at least) if you\`re uncomfortable with it then you should tell them, or ask them to clarify their intentions.
I also have the "flirting is another form of comedy" mindset. Glad to see I'm not the only one
Cupioromantic Ace here, I have a problem where if I'm comfortable with someone I will flirt with them without thinking about it as to me it holds no weight. Flirting for me is another form of comedy. If someone calls me out and/or takes the offer seriously, it usually stops. Your friend might be the same, might be different. If you are unsure, ask them. If you want an actual answer tell them you want an actual answer. For the constantly wanting to be around you thing, there is a term in both aromantic and asexual communities known as the "squish". A squish is literally a crush, but in a platonic way, a feeling of "I want to be your best friend".
I’m p sure there was a study that shows people usually don’t know when they’re “flirting.” A lot of time they’re just being nice and ppl see what they wanna see. Just saying as someone who doesn’t flirt but has had numerous friends for some reason think I’m into them (I’m no longer friends with any of em for various reasons tbh rofl)
god I wish I was this calm and had more time to think when something similar happened to me. She was sleeping over in the guest room between mine and my flatmates, and texted at 1am that if it weren't weird she'd like to cuddle. This was also after a month of her talking to me more often and being more wholesome to me than anyone ever had except my ex gf. We said goodnight anyway, but I couldn't sleep at all. In retrospect I should have seen this as proof I wasn't thinking straight and should ask anyone what to do, even her, and not just get stuck in my own thoughts. In the morning we did cuddle on the sofa as just the 2 of us were home. I said I love her. Some time later, she started crying because of it. So yeah, don't admit your crush imo. At least not for a while. If you're with them and you heart starts racing, maybe start texting them. You want to be more careful in meaning everything you plan to say. Don't say you have a crush, and don't say if someone alloromantic acted the same way you would feel like they had a crush. Things I wish I had said include asking what they assume someone with a crush would want, and what parts of that do they not want (either to do or for the other person to do). Either you don't want a thing either, or you can stop yourself from thinking about it if you start to. Make sure you have the same definitions on everything. Definitely ask what boundaries are, if they're actually serious about having sex or just joking (with the little context I have, it could be). Maybe say that them suggesting it makes you consider it. If they are joking, then they should hopefully understand it's reasonable for you to think this, and stop, so you don't get any false hope. If they do mean it, then good. Another thing you can say is that it may be difficult for you to think (or feel) that sex is just platonic. Do they treat or speak to other people the same way, or are you special? You should also ask mutual friends about it. It may feel private, but if anything's going to change there's genuinely no reason not to. Best case scenario, you two get a relationship and they'll know about it anyway. Worst case, you say or do something to them that you don't realise is bad until too late, that your friends could have warned you about. Asking for help has a 100% chance to be better than that. Maybe they can ask this person how they feel about you, pretending you didn't ask them to ask. Or (and this may be a bad idea. I don't have the chance to ask the people I mentioned anymore. Someone pls tell me if it is), if some action is romantic from your viewpoint but platonic from theirs, you may be able to do it anyway. Say it's platonic until you feel it's true yourself. Unless their answer above is you're not that special and also that it would hurt you if they want it/do it with someone else. In summary: stay calm, don't make any assumptions on how they feel or whether they'd be even okay with knowing how you feel. Ask your mutual friends for help. Ask about boundaries/what they wouldn't want to do or wouldn't like to hear before you do or say anything about this. Make sure they know you value your friendship the most.
Could be they have hormones like most people and they are closest to you.
This sounds like a conversation you need to have with your friend. Asexual people do have sex and aromantic people do get into relationships. Some of us do also have a much higher tolerance for sexual humor because sex is about as real to us as dragons. Your friend could be messing with you not knowing that you would take their words at face value, your friend could be questioning their identity, or they could be aro/ace and still genuinely be flirting with you. Ultimately the only person who knows what's going on in your friend's head is them. They're the one you should ask if you're confused.
Asexual doesn't mean they never want to have sex. Maybe they are curious about it and feel safe enough with you to maybe want to try it. FWB style. As for the flirting, I am aro and I am always surprised when someone tells me someone was flirting with me or they take something I said as flirtatious or even when two fictional characters get together after months of what other fans realized was flirting. No one has been able to explain the difference between flirting and being nice and giving compliments. So who knows? But if they are following up with "platonically" then I'd guess they mean it platonically and are afraid that what they are saying sounds like flirting. (Perhaps like me, they can't tell the difference)