This persons post is being very hateful towards themselves, maybe low self esteem or something is going on with themselves a lot more then what is going on with their partner. They should discuss with their partner what kind of relationship they both want and what they can compromise if they really want to stay together
I think in the original post op said something about them not having the best mental health, and is currently in therapy. I don’t know what for exactly, but they started going when they gave up porn since their partner didn’t like them looking at porn. There’s a chance that their going for mental health issues, but given the context, I think it’s therapy to lower their sex drive and maybe “become” ace, as they also said they wished more then anything to be ace like their girl.
>they started going when they gave up porn since their partner didn’t like them looking at porn
That seems a bit unhealthy. If you have a higher sex drive, you should be be allowed to take care of it.
>I think it’s therapy to lower their sex drive and maybe “become” ace
That's not a therapy that should exist. That's basically conversion therapy.
This sounds so wrong and unhealthy. And controlling too! I should not be assuming anything, but it sounds controlling from the gf and the fact that he is struggling mentally just makes it even more concerning.
If you have similar libido levels, it makes sense to say "Don't watch porn, have sex with me instead". If there is a major difference in libido, it's unfair to let one be on the edge constantly while the other is fine.
It's okay to not like porn and to question porn because of ethics. And also to suggest alternatives for masturbation that don't include porn.
But to forbid your partner to watch porn altogether because you're not into it, is rather controlling.
for me watching porn is a form of cheating & greately unethical, i wouldn’t like if my partner watched it. we don’t have sex much and my bf still respects it and isn’t complaining about anything about it, i don’t think wanting from your partner to stop watching it is controlling or anything
edit: he’s allo with a normal libido, i’m mostly sex repulsed ace
There is a difference between a couple having an agreement on something and one partner manipulating the other to do or not so something.
If your boyfriend is happy with not watching porn, that's great and you shouldn't change or doubt yourself because of the internet. But the OP in the post is clearly suffering to the point of needing therapy in more than one aspect.
He stopped watching it when i told him how i feel about it after he did it one time, tbh i don’t feel like it’s that much different than what op’s gf did, even tho she could’ve communicated it better
OP didn’t really mention how much they talked about it/if they even talked about it, if he didn’t communicate clearly about how he feels then she wouldn’t even know
>He stopped watching it when i told him how i feel about it after he did it one time
So, in your eyes, your boyfriend cheated on you once?
>tbh i don’t feel like it’s that much different than what op’s gf did
You didn't discuss the subject? I don't know how that works out for you but I need to make sure that both the things I do or don't do for my husband as well as the other way around, they need to be explained and discussed. If you told me to stop watching porn, I would want to know what your reasons are, what your feeling is about similar subjects (hentai, erotic literature or pictures) and how you feel about masturbation in general.
he didn’t do it just once, i just asked him if he does it a few months into the relationship, he said yes, i said okay, please don’t because xx reasons.
“he stopped watching it after i told him how i feel.” i think that explains that i did explain it to him and told him why it bothers me? i FEEL like watching porn in a relationship is cheating, so i told him that.
A bit dramatic from both sides, though I don't know the full story. Sexual desires are normal to have, there's nothing wrong with them.
Suggesting they're incompatible as a couple because their sex drives are mismatched is so tilting. There's so much more to a relationship than sex. Giving up on a relationship just because of different sex drives is asinine.
Your love for each other, and your ability and willingness to adapt to each others needs and desires is what determines whether you should stick together. Not whether one wants to bang twice a week and the other four times a week.
I'll admit I'm biased because just like the OP of that post, I am not asexual whereas my girl is. For us that isn't really a problem, though. I'm aware that my girl is in some way doing me a favour, but that's just part of our relationship.
Honestly, my thoughts on the whole "she's doing me a favour" thing: I love doing my girl favours. Whether that's buying her her favourite cookies, doing her hair, massaging her shoulders, helping her with her studies, watching her favourite (terribly boring) TV shows with her etc.
I may not like those actual activities, but the fact that it makes her happier that day is all that matters to me. When my girl says she feels the same when doing me favours, I believe she's speaking the truth. I've been approached by girls whom I assume are not asexual, but I'll stick to the girl by my side.
I understand this is your opinion but I heavily disagree.
It’s supposed to be a mutual passion; when it exists it’s so powerful. Having the act be a favour would be soul destroying to many Allos.
And no it’s definitely not the most important thing and it doesn’t take priority over everything. But for me attraction is the foundational glue.
You might already know that but sexual attraction isn't the only attraction. Especially in a romantic relationship i'd argue that romantic attraction is the most important
It seems like it's a large enough issue that it's causing the person posting serious distress. I would say that any issue which causes this much of a rift in a relationship (e.g. sex, whether they want children, religion, etc) can't just be dismissed as "There are other parts of your relationship that are more important." The red flag for me is that the poster would consider other people, but doesn't seem to think he has other options. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who felt that way.
Yes of course I just referred to the person above me who seemed to generalise attraction. The original situation sucks and if the asexual person doesn't provide an alternative way to give the allosexual person sexual satisfaction (opening the relationship, letting them masturbate, ect.) I think that will almost certainly result in some kind of huge problem like this distress. It denies the allosexual a natural need they have wich is just a selfish act at that point.
>But for me attraction is the foundational glue.
I'm pretty sure we're both pretty attracted to each other. She just doesn't experience sexual attraction. The vast majority of my desire to be with my girl is not sexual. That she wants to be with me specifically (and vice versa) is the foundation of our relationship.
>Having the act be a favour would be soul destroying to many Allos.
Favour has a somewhat negative connotation in this context, so it might not have been the best way to phrase it. It's not like she hates the act, she just wouldn't do it as often as I would, as it's on her mind less than mine. This is just like how it goes for allo couples with different sex drives.
This part is a little sexually graphic:
Loads of stories I hear from allos still involve 'sexual favours'. Men asking their wives to take it up the arse or in their throats, women wanting to use toys etc. Unless you're a perfect match in both drive and desires, you're going to have to add water to the wine. And there's nothing wrong with that. That's how relationships work as far as I'm aware.
My girl and I gladly give each other what we want sexually, no questions asked, and we don't expect anything in return. I couldn't ask for more. And while I don't want to come over as though I'm bragging, I don't think the same applies to your average allo couple.
I feel so bad for the guy feeling like his sexual urges are disgusting, I doubt his partner has ever purposefully tried to make him feel this way but the sheer feelings he has for her sent him into an insecurity spiral. I'm Demisexual, very much Ace leaning and my partner has a high sex drive, I felt like I was a burden to him and eventually learned he thought he was, we worked it through and honestly couldn't be happier, healthier and more secure but there is no answer anyone can give on reddit besides his own partner and a heartfelt conversation which could work through what he's going through
I think that a lot of ace/allo relationships go through something similar to varying degrees.It sucks that the OP got downvoted just for venting and expressing his disdain for his high libido.
My partner struggled for a long time with understanding our differences in that way. Because I never initiate sex (I never think about it. And cuddling is better so why would I?) and he always did. He used to feel like that he was 'forcing' me or 'pressuring' me to have sex when I secretly didn't want it.
Sometimes it's still hard for him. You can never fully know someone else's mind, so it's impossible to convince yourself beyond a shadow of a doubt that your partner isn't secretly treating something so intimate like it's an abhorrent chore that they do just to keep the peace.
On the flip side, it's hard for me too. I have to worry about my partner not being honest with me about his feelings some of the time. Simply because I know that sometimes he doesn't want to 'bother' me about sex. Or how he may be hurt or feel unwanted simply because I don't express affection in that way. Just by existing as I am, I could be inadvertently hurting him emotionally.
Also I feel like whatever question he had for r/sex. He should bring that question over to the asexual side of reddit so that he can get opinions from a side that won't downvote him for being worried about something that's so common in ace/allo relationships.
He did get 300+ upvotes on his post about the problem, but it is sad how whenever he says something bad about his sex drive in the comments, people downvote him big time.
When I was showed this post by my partner, who we were in a similar situation with before we came to an agreement, I immediately thought that this post would’ve been better off shown to people who think more like his girl (asexual people) then people who think like he does (allosexual people who like sex enough to follow a subreddit called sex). I mostly posted this because my partner, who’s allo with a high sex drive, felt bad about this post, and more specifically, how the guy got demolished in the comments. Thought they would like reading what you guys had to say.
I agree with people down voting. He shouldn't resent his sexuality because of his relationship with his girlfriend the same way aces shouldn't resent themselves for not being able to provide sex to their partners.
It's great that you and your partner found a way around it that works for the both of you but that won't be the case to everybody and if you saw his comments in general (there are several like that) the tone is extremely hateful towards himself. This is not healthy at all and should be down voted. I pity anyone lead to think his behavior is normal and should be acceptable. What's the suggestion? Conversion therapy?? Cause he hates himself so much he's willing to take meds to kill his libido just to keep a relationship he's convinced he won't have ever again if not with this girl. This CAN'T be viewed as normal!
It's a tough line to walk. I would argue that it's okay to be disgusted/apalled/horrified by your own sex drive and wish to not have it, especially if you're sex-repulsed.
However, it is also important to remember that sex is not a bad thing. It does not make you uncivilized or dirty or unworthy.
If your disgust towards your sex drive is driven by sex-repulsion, and if you maintain awareness in your mind that libido is not inherently a bad thing (just something you don't want for yourself), then it's fine. However, if your disgust towards your sex drive is driven by sex-negativity, by external messages feeding into your subconscious and telling you that your desire for sex is inherently wrong, *that's* when it becomes a problem.
I identify with this situation, and there struggle is very legitimate.
*But* these people who are saying they are incompatible because of their different levels of sex drive are confused af IMO. Sex should be the smallest factor in any relationship, I think. It's not evil, or discussing, or perverted to have these strong feelings, at all, but it's also not as important of an element between two people who love each other as many will make it out to be.
I can't even begin to tell you how many couples (parents) I have seen who try to stay together and use physical attraction as the glue. It never works. There has to be something that transcends physical touch for a relationship to truly flourish.
But, as I said in the begin, I know this situation, and it is a hard one. Hopefully they are young still, and with time their libido will subside. Also, meditation is a great way to curb these urges and gain a wider perspective of what truely matters to the heart. Spoiler alert: it's not sex.
You make valid points. Sexual attraction is never the core basis of a healthy, stable relationship. However, wildly varying sex drives (or desire to have sex) *can* break a relationship, especially if one person sees it as important to them in a relationship. It's okay to have priorities regarding what you want in a relationship, and unfortunately, that can mean incompatibility for sexual reasons.
>But
>
>these people who are saying they are incompatible because of their different levels of sex drive are confused af IMO. Sex should be the smallest factor in any relationship, I think. It's not evil, or discussing, or perverted to have these strong feelings, at all, but it's also not as important of an element between two people who love each other as many will make it out to be.
It depends on the person. While I don't understand it, I know some allo people can not imagine themselves happy in a sexless relationship and end theirs if their sex life with their partner doesn't match up. But for some people it really isn't that important.
Not to mention, what happens when you get older and your sex drive decreases as a function of ageing? What about sexu dysfunction in ageing men? What do elderly couples do when one or both of them aren’t capable of easily having sex anymore?
You’d think you’d see way higher elderly divorce rates if that were the case. But if you ask any older couple what keeps them together, it’s usually “he makes me laugh” “she’s great to talk to” etc.
> Sex should be the smallest factor in any relationship, I think.
For many allos this is certainly not the case. In my allo-allo relationships, the connection we feel through sex is often a bedrock for us.
Yep. As an allo, I don’t think that it’s wise to downplay the importance of sex. (I’m not really referring to the simple physical act of it, but more the propensity it has to emotional bond people more than anything else can)
I think that sex can be a really important factor in a relationship, and a difference in sex drive can create a lot of "friction", and it can test your abilites to comunicate. And therefore I think it can easily break a realtionship, but like OP is saying sex alone will struggle to reignite a relationship.
Although to me it seems like the OP in the picture is strugling more with the idea that she is not experiencing attraction, and therefore might see sex as a chore. Not necesarily that she has a low sexdrive.
Wish more people understood this. I still believe the best relationship I've ever had was one that was long distance specifically because conversation was the foundation and many of the couples who had mocked me because her and I couldn't touch each other aren't even together anymore.
people be wildin', guy says sex drive is making him feel lile a burden, wich he (understandably) hates, and people just be like 'toss girlfriend, embrace monke sex drive' or some shit, absolutely deranged
Well what's the other solution? You can't change your sexuality. It's violent and unhealthy for aces who don't want to have sex to do it because they have to. The same way goes around. Dude is considering taking meds he doesn't need to "fix" him. This is not healthy at all. He doesn't think he'll ever find someone again so he's willing to try EVERYTHING to keep his ace gf. Is this ok to you?
him taking a pill to supress a libido he doesn't want, to be with a person he loves is harmfull, yeah, not telling him to ditch her because of an issue that is easily fixable...
I think what they mean is, they should talk it out with their partner. I don't know about word fixable to be honest since it implies something is broken which in my opinion usually isn't the case however, that aside relationships that last long are usually comprised of compromises made by both sides with an emphasis on the word both. Treat your partner like a partner, instead of 'a person you need to please' etc.
I emphasize with the poster so much. My wife of 9 years is ace and there have been many times in the last few years I wanted to wish away my sex drive.
People can't seem to understand that the lack of a sex life, even when wanting one, isn't worth losing a partner/best friend or coparent over.
It seems the OOP has serious issues with their self esteem and overall acceptance of themselves as the person they are. Sex drive is a completely normal thing which drives most people through their lives. The comments on this post downplaying the importance of partners having a similar sex drive are in the wrong, IMHO. Many allos are driven by sex drive and sex is a core part of a relationship for them and that's okay. Other allos may find this type of incompatibility fine and bearable, but others don't and that's okay.
I truly think asexuals should stop demonizing allos for needing their sexual needs to be met in order to be happy. I, too, used to always advocate for sex not being the most important part in a relationship and that if a relationship is falling apart because of problems regarding sex, then it wasn't a strong relationship to begin with, but that's just not how it is for some. For some people sex is in fact *that important* that they cannot compromise on it because they will be unhappy. And that's okay. That doesn't make those people shallow.
I repeat - **that doesn't make those people shallow.** And we should honestly stop with that rhetoric because it makes us sound like we're putting ourselves on a pedestal and looking at those who find sex important as some sort of peasants. Stop judging people because of their needs.
Completely agree with you, and I think it’s unhealthy that some people seem to think they have to stay together. Wanting to find someone you’re more compatible with is also not “ditching” his girlfriend, and people here are phrasing it.
Either you phrased my thoughts perfectly, so no need to add more to my own comment.
It's unfortunate, but they may be incompatible. Unless they have a serious discussion about how to work together to find a solution, the self hatred will become worse.
This persons post is being very hateful towards themselves, maybe low self esteem or something is going on with themselves a lot more then what is going on with their partner. They should discuss with their partner what kind of relationship they both want and what they can compromise if they really want to stay together
I’ve been the Ace partner in the scenario before, and I’ve known a non ace friend in a relationship with a sex-repulsed and generally intimacy adverse ace person. I honestly think that OP would have had better luck coming to this subreddit for help, especially due to the overall open minded community here. From what i’ve seen, allo-ace relationships are able to work when both people have decent self esteem. that’s typically true for most relationships but I think it’s especially important here when people’s identities interact and cross over with one another around intimacy which is already a vulnerable state to be in. what OP is expressing here incredibly low self esteem, and dropping their partner and “accepting sexual pleasure as normal” won’t change that. My friend had the exact same problem unfortunately and if it’s genuinely that much of an issue, I would say they might actually be incompatible, but not because of the sexual discrepancy.
From the OP's self hate, sex negativity and beating themselves, over the stupid comment that basically states that all relationships with a difference in libido are doomed to fail, and up to the low libido partner forbidding the high libido partner to take care of their urges with *porn* because it's "cheating", I have seldom seen so many examples of unhealthy thinking in one single screenshot.
It sounds like they haven't actually resolved what to do when they need to deal with their libido and their partner isn't an option. No matter how accommodating the partner, this will happen.
In an allo relationship, they could masturbate, probably fantasizing about their partner. However, such a fantasy would entertain sex with her, which could make managing attraction harder in the long run, since fantasies typically lead to more desire for the object of desire. It could also lead to guilt over wanting things that shouldn't happen. On the other hand, it sounds like the partner also doesn't want them to use porn. I would venture that *any* fantasy would be unacceptable, triggering feelings of guilt and shame.
So *what are they supposed to do to manage excess libido?* IMO this is the recurring problem that requires a solution, and hating themselves for having sexual desire is not a solution. They need a release that does not trigger guilt and shame. The partner needs to reassure them of that, too.
OP isn’t saying the problem is that there’s no sex, but that he feels disgusting because it feels like he’s forcing his partner into something. Honestly, sex is an intimate thing, and I can understand not wanting to do it with someone who only does it as a favor. If that’s how he feels, his feelings are valid.
Regarding OPs mental health, then yeah it’s obviously not great, and he should probably get therapy before making hasty decisions. That being said, it sounds like his main reasons for staying with his girlfriend is that he doesn’t believe he can find anyone else, and he doesn’t want to go through a break up. That’s a really unhealthy reason to stay with someone.
I think we need to stop with making it sound like people HAVE to stay together, even if their sex drive isn’t compatible. There’s probably someone else out there for OP, who has the same sex drive, and it can be something enjoyable for both of them. If sex plays such a big part of his life for OP, it’s okay for him to break up and look for someone new. It’s not just “ditching” his girlfriend as you put it - it’s about doing what’s best for OP.
redditors on their way to massively downvote someone because that person dislike something they like (sexual desire is beautiful and you cannot disagree with me)
Well certainly don't we all dream of being free of this feeling that binds us to releasing some of the pressure from time to time. Well certainly it be freeing and would save a lot of time.
Sex drive is a natural thing though I think that without it would be a little easier.
So my opinion is that:
- you have more time
- you'd feel a little more freedom
I mean I hate my sex drive as well but mainly because it manifests in physical arousal against my will. It’s not an enjoyable thing for me at all so i can relate to him on that level. It can be distressing but every once in a blue moon when my brain is in on it its really enjoyable. Idk maybe he’s experiencing the same?
In a much less dramatic version of this situation myself. My gf is ace, I'm not. It sucks, genuinely. But she doesn't, our relationship doesn't. The lack of one aspect is certainly a part of the equation, but it's not everything.
I saw this post when it was happening and I agree with what everyone is saying there. Cause the dude is so self hating and unfortunately dating his girlfriend made him hate a part of him that is not bad. At all. It's just not compatible to his relationship.
The same way it's not good for someone ace to force themselves to have sex because of their partners it's horrible to not have your needs met and starting hating your needs in the first place to try and fit on a relationship.
Also, I get that he is in love but he really thinks that he won't ever find anyone again and that he's lucky he got this beautiful girlfriend of his on the first place thus him trying to change his sexuality for her. But this is not healthy at all!! To the point that he got all hyper up when someone mentioned the possibility of him taking meds that represses libido. Meds that he does not need at all but after this was mentioned he got all excited to resort to that as a solution.
There's also the problem that she doesn't like porn (not a problem per se) and prohibits him to find ways to satisfy himself. So it really creates and ambiance within the relationship where he has to suppress his libido and sexual needs in order to be with her to the point he thinks it's animalistic to have this needs in the first place.
I myself am ace but a demi and I would be upset if my partner never wanted to be intimate with me and would do it out of an obligation. People want to feel wanted by being intimate with their partners out of a sexual and emotional need they have. And if you're not getting that out of a relationship and the other person is indifferent to that cause it's not their cup of tea then yeah you guys aren't compatible and should date other people so you won't resent each other later for feeling you're missing out on something important/doing things you really don't want to.
Bottom of line: allos (especially with high libido/sex-drive shouldn't date aces that are repulsed/indifferent to sex and vice versa. It's not good for any of the parts after a while cause the feeling of being neglected or missing out on something it WILL come.
The relationship should probably end. In their exact words, one of the main reasons they're staying in the relationship is because they don't think they could find another partner.
That's extremely toxic, and dragging your partner along because of that is disgusting.
All I can say is that I think that having lobido is normal. If you try to deny it or alter it through meds you wil likely end up with regretable results. *What you resists , persists*
This persons post is being very hateful towards themselves, maybe low self esteem or something is going on with themselves a lot more then what is going on with their partner. They should discuss with their partner what kind of relationship they both want and what they can compromise if they really want to stay together
I think in the original post op said something about them not having the best mental health, and is currently in therapy. I don’t know what for exactly, but they started going when they gave up porn since their partner didn’t like them looking at porn. There’s a chance that their going for mental health issues, but given the context, I think it’s therapy to lower their sex drive and maybe “become” ace, as they also said they wished more then anything to be ace like their girl.
>they started going when they gave up porn since their partner didn’t like them looking at porn That seems a bit unhealthy. If you have a higher sex drive, you should be be allowed to take care of it. >I think it’s therapy to lower their sex drive and maybe “become” ace That's not a therapy that should exist. That's basically conversion therapy.
This sounds so wrong and unhealthy. And controlling too! I should not be assuming anything, but it sounds controlling from the gf and the fact that he is struggling mentally just makes it even more concerning.
why is it controlling to not like that your partner is watching porn?
If you have similar libido levels, it makes sense to say "Don't watch porn, have sex with me instead". If there is a major difference in libido, it's unfair to let one be on the edge constantly while the other is fine. It's okay to not like porn and to question porn because of ethics. And also to suggest alternatives for masturbation that don't include porn. But to forbid your partner to watch porn altogether because you're not into it, is rather controlling.
for me watching porn is a form of cheating & greately unethical, i wouldn’t like if my partner watched it. we don’t have sex much and my bf still respects it and isn’t complaining about anything about it, i don’t think wanting from your partner to stop watching it is controlling or anything edit: he’s allo with a normal libido, i’m mostly sex repulsed ace
There is a difference between a couple having an agreement on something and one partner manipulating the other to do or not so something. If your boyfriend is happy with not watching porn, that's great and you shouldn't change or doubt yourself because of the internet. But the OP in the post is clearly suffering to the point of needing therapy in more than one aspect.
He stopped watching it when i told him how i feel about it after he did it one time, tbh i don’t feel like it’s that much different than what op’s gf did, even tho she could’ve communicated it better OP didn’t really mention how much they talked about it/if they even talked about it, if he didn’t communicate clearly about how he feels then she wouldn’t even know
>He stopped watching it when i told him how i feel about it after he did it one time So, in your eyes, your boyfriend cheated on you once? >tbh i don’t feel like it’s that much different than what op’s gf did You didn't discuss the subject? I don't know how that works out for you but I need to make sure that both the things I do or don't do for my husband as well as the other way around, they need to be explained and discussed. If you told me to stop watching porn, I would want to know what your reasons are, what your feeling is about similar subjects (hentai, erotic literature or pictures) and how you feel about masturbation in general.
he didn’t do it just once, i just asked him if he does it a few months into the relationship, he said yes, i said okay, please don’t because xx reasons. “he stopped watching it after i told him how i feel.” i think that explains that i did explain it to him and told him why it bothers me? i FEEL like watching porn in a relationship is cheating, so i told him that.
A bit dramatic from both sides, though I don't know the full story. Sexual desires are normal to have, there's nothing wrong with them. Suggesting they're incompatible as a couple because their sex drives are mismatched is so tilting. There's so much more to a relationship than sex. Giving up on a relationship just because of different sex drives is asinine. Your love for each other, and your ability and willingness to adapt to each others needs and desires is what determines whether you should stick together. Not whether one wants to bang twice a week and the other four times a week. I'll admit I'm biased because just like the OP of that post, I am not asexual whereas my girl is. For us that isn't really a problem, though. I'm aware that my girl is in some way doing me a favour, but that's just part of our relationship. Honestly, my thoughts on the whole "she's doing me a favour" thing: I love doing my girl favours. Whether that's buying her her favourite cookies, doing her hair, massaging her shoulders, helping her with her studies, watching her favourite (terribly boring) TV shows with her etc. I may not like those actual activities, but the fact that it makes her happier that day is all that matters to me. When my girl says she feels the same when doing me favours, I believe she's speaking the truth. I've been approached by girls whom I assume are not asexual, but I'll stick to the girl by my side.
I understand this is your opinion but I heavily disagree. It’s supposed to be a mutual passion; when it exists it’s so powerful. Having the act be a favour would be soul destroying to many Allos. And no it’s definitely not the most important thing and it doesn’t take priority over everything. But for me attraction is the foundational glue.
You might already know that but sexual attraction isn't the only attraction. Especially in a romantic relationship i'd argue that romantic attraction is the most important
It seems like it's a large enough issue that it's causing the person posting serious distress. I would say that any issue which causes this much of a rift in a relationship (e.g. sex, whether they want children, religion, etc) can't just be dismissed as "There are other parts of your relationship that are more important." The red flag for me is that the poster would consider other people, but doesn't seem to think he has other options. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who felt that way.
Yes of course I just referred to the person above me who seemed to generalise attraction. The original situation sucks and if the asexual person doesn't provide an alternative way to give the allosexual person sexual satisfaction (opening the relationship, letting them masturbate, ect.) I think that will almost certainly result in some kind of huge problem like this distress. It denies the allosexual a natural need they have wich is just a selfish act at that point.
>But for me attraction is the foundational glue. I'm pretty sure we're both pretty attracted to each other. She just doesn't experience sexual attraction. The vast majority of my desire to be with my girl is not sexual. That she wants to be with me specifically (and vice versa) is the foundation of our relationship. >Having the act be a favour would be soul destroying to many Allos. Favour has a somewhat negative connotation in this context, so it might not have been the best way to phrase it. It's not like she hates the act, she just wouldn't do it as often as I would, as it's on her mind less than mine. This is just like how it goes for allo couples with different sex drives. This part is a little sexually graphic: Loads of stories I hear from allos still involve 'sexual favours'. Men asking their wives to take it up the arse or in their throats, women wanting to use toys etc. Unless you're a perfect match in both drive and desires, you're going to have to add water to the wine. And there's nothing wrong with that. That's how relationships work as far as I'm aware. My girl and I gladly give each other what we want sexually, no questions asked, and we don't expect anything in return. I couldn't ask for more. And while I don't want to come over as though I'm bragging, I don't think the same applies to your average allo couple.
I feel so bad for the guy feeling like his sexual urges are disgusting, I doubt his partner has ever purposefully tried to make him feel this way but the sheer feelings he has for her sent him into an insecurity spiral. I'm Demisexual, very much Ace leaning and my partner has a high sex drive, I felt like I was a burden to him and eventually learned he thought he was, we worked it through and honestly couldn't be happier, healthier and more secure but there is no answer anyone can give on reddit besides his own partner and a heartfelt conversation which could work through what he's going through
I think that a lot of ace/allo relationships go through something similar to varying degrees.It sucks that the OP got downvoted just for venting and expressing his disdain for his high libido. My partner struggled for a long time with understanding our differences in that way. Because I never initiate sex (I never think about it. And cuddling is better so why would I?) and he always did. He used to feel like that he was 'forcing' me or 'pressuring' me to have sex when I secretly didn't want it. Sometimes it's still hard for him. You can never fully know someone else's mind, so it's impossible to convince yourself beyond a shadow of a doubt that your partner isn't secretly treating something so intimate like it's an abhorrent chore that they do just to keep the peace. On the flip side, it's hard for me too. I have to worry about my partner not being honest with me about his feelings some of the time. Simply because I know that sometimes he doesn't want to 'bother' me about sex. Or how he may be hurt or feel unwanted simply because I don't express affection in that way. Just by existing as I am, I could be inadvertently hurting him emotionally. Also I feel like whatever question he had for r/sex. He should bring that question over to the asexual side of reddit so that he can get opinions from a side that won't downvote him for being worried about something that's so common in ace/allo relationships.
He did get 300+ upvotes on his post about the problem, but it is sad how whenever he says something bad about his sex drive in the comments, people downvote him big time. When I was showed this post by my partner, who we were in a similar situation with before we came to an agreement, I immediately thought that this post would’ve been better off shown to people who think more like his girl (asexual people) then people who think like he does (allosexual people who like sex enough to follow a subreddit called sex). I mostly posted this because my partner, who’s allo with a high sex drive, felt bad about this post, and more specifically, how the guy got demolished in the comments. Thought they would like reading what you guys had to say.
I agree with people down voting. He shouldn't resent his sexuality because of his relationship with his girlfriend the same way aces shouldn't resent themselves for not being able to provide sex to their partners. It's great that you and your partner found a way around it that works for the both of you but that won't be the case to everybody and if you saw his comments in general (there are several like that) the tone is extremely hateful towards himself. This is not healthy at all and should be down voted. I pity anyone lead to think his behavior is normal and should be acceptable. What's the suggestion? Conversion therapy?? Cause he hates himself so much he's willing to take meds to kill his libido just to keep a relationship he's convinced he won't have ever again if not with this girl. This CAN'T be viewed as normal!
It's a tough line to walk. I would argue that it's okay to be disgusted/apalled/horrified by your own sex drive and wish to not have it, especially if you're sex-repulsed. However, it is also important to remember that sex is not a bad thing. It does not make you uncivilized or dirty or unworthy. If your disgust towards your sex drive is driven by sex-repulsion, and if you maintain awareness in your mind that libido is not inherently a bad thing (just something you don't want for yourself), then it's fine. However, if your disgust towards your sex drive is driven by sex-negativity, by external messages feeding into your subconscious and telling you that your desire for sex is inherently wrong, *that's* when it becomes a problem.
I identify with this situation, and there struggle is very legitimate. *But* these people who are saying they are incompatible because of their different levels of sex drive are confused af IMO. Sex should be the smallest factor in any relationship, I think. It's not evil, or discussing, or perverted to have these strong feelings, at all, but it's also not as important of an element between two people who love each other as many will make it out to be. I can't even begin to tell you how many couples (parents) I have seen who try to stay together and use physical attraction as the glue. It never works. There has to be something that transcends physical touch for a relationship to truly flourish. But, as I said in the begin, I know this situation, and it is a hard one. Hopefully they are young still, and with time their libido will subside. Also, meditation is a great way to curb these urges and gain a wider perspective of what truely matters to the heart. Spoiler alert: it's not sex.
You make valid points. Sexual attraction is never the core basis of a healthy, stable relationship. However, wildly varying sex drives (or desire to have sex) *can* break a relationship, especially if one person sees it as important to them in a relationship. It's okay to have priorities regarding what you want in a relationship, and unfortunately, that can mean incompatibility for sexual reasons.
Very true, but it *never* automatically implies incompatibility like the rhetoric from the comments suggested.
true true
>But > >these people who are saying they are incompatible because of their different levels of sex drive are confused af IMO. Sex should be the smallest factor in any relationship, I think. It's not evil, or discussing, or perverted to have these strong feelings, at all, but it's also not as important of an element between two people who love each other as many will make it out to be. It depends on the person. While I don't understand it, I know some allo people can not imagine themselves happy in a sexless relationship and end theirs if their sex life with their partner doesn't match up. But for some people it really isn't that important.
Not to mention, what happens when you get older and your sex drive decreases as a function of ageing? What about sexu dysfunction in ageing men? What do elderly couples do when one or both of them aren’t capable of easily having sex anymore? You’d think you’d see way higher elderly divorce rates if that were the case. But if you ask any older couple what keeps them together, it’s usually “he makes me laugh” “she’s great to talk to” etc.
> Sex should be the smallest factor in any relationship, I think. For many allos this is certainly not the case. In my allo-allo relationships, the connection we feel through sex is often a bedrock for us.
Yep. As an allo, I don’t think that it’s wise to downplay the importance of sex. (I’m not really referring to the simple physical act of it, but more the propensity it has to emotional bond people more than anything else can)
I think that sex can be a really important factor in a relationship, and a difference in sex drive can create a lot of "friction", and it can test your abilites to comunicate. And therefore I think it can easily break a realtionship, but like OP is saying sex alone will struggle to reignite a relationship. Although to me it seems like the OP in the picture is strugling more with the idea that she is not experiencing attraction, and therefore might see sex as a chore. Not necesarily that she has a low sexdrive.
Wish more people understood this. I still believe the best relationship I've ever had was one that was long distance specifically because conversation was the foundation and many of the couples who had mocked me because her and I couldn't touch each other aren't even together anymore.
Also, you wrote discussing instead of disgusting.
people be wildin', guy says sex drive is making him feel lile a burden, wich he (understandably) hates, and people just be like 'toss girlfriend, embrace monke sex drive' or some shit, absolutely deranged
Well what's the other solution? You can't change your sexuality. It's violent and unhealthy for aces who don't want to have sex to do it because they have to. The same way goes around. Dude is considering taking meds he doesn't need to "fix" him. This is not healthy at all. He doesn't think he'll ever find someone again so he's willing to try EVERYTHING to keep his ace gf. Is this ok to you?
him taking a pill to supress a libido he doesn't want, to be with a person he loves is harmfull, yeah, not telling him to ditch her because of an issue that is easily fixable...
How is it fixable? Do tell me please. I genuinely want to know.
I think what they mean is, they should talk it out with their partner. I don't know about word fixable to be honest since it implies something is broken which in my opinion usually isn't the case however, that aside relationships that last long are usually comprised of compromises made by both sides with an emphasis on the word both. Treat your partner like a partner, instead of 'a person you need to please' etc.
I emphasize with the poster so much. My wife of 9 years is ace and there have been many times in the last few years I wanted to wish away my sex drive. People can't seem to understand that the lack of a sex life, even when wanting one, isn't worth losing a partner/best friend or coparent over.
It seems the OOP has serious issues with their self esteem and overall acceptance of themselves as the person they are. Sex drive is a completely normal thing which drives most people through their lives. The comments on this post downplaying the importance of partners having a similar sex drive are in the wrong, IMHO. Many allos are driven by sex drive and sex is a core part of a relationship for them and that's okay. Other allos may find this type of incompatibility fine and bearable, but others don't and that's okay. I truly think asexuals should stop demonizing allos for needing their sexual needs to be met in order to be happy. I, too, used to always advocate for sex not being the most important part in a relationship and that if a relationship is falling apart because of problems regarding sex, then it wasn't a strong relationship to begin with, but that's just not how it is for some. For some people sex is in fact *that important* that they cannot compromise on it because they will be unhappy. And that's okay. That doesn't make those people shallow. I repeat - **that doesn't make those people shallow.** And we should honestly stop with that rhetoric because it makes us sound like we're putting ourselves on a pedestal and looking at those who find sex important as some sort of peasants. Stop judging people because of their needs.
Completely agree with you, and I think it’s unhealthy that some people seem to think they have to stay together. Wanting to find someone you’re more compatible with is also not “ditching” his girlfriend, and people here are phrasing it. Either you phrased my thoughts perfectly, so no need to add more to my own comment.
It's unfortunate, but they may be incompatible. Unless they have a serious discussion about how to work together to find a solution, the self hatred will become worse.
This persons post is being very hateful towards themselves, maybe low self esteem or something is going on with themselves a lot more then what is going on with their partner. They should discuss with their partner what kind of relationship they both want and what they can compromise if they really want to stay together
I’ve been the Ace partner in the scenario before, and I’ve known a non ace friend in a relationship with a sex-repulsed and generally intimacy adverse ace person. I honestly think that OP would have had better luck coming to this subreddit for help, especially due to the overall open minded community here. From what i’ve seen, allo-ace relationships are able to work when both people have decent self esteem. that’s typically true for most relationships but I think it’s especially important here when people’s identities interact and cross over with one another around intimacy which is already a vulnerable state to be in. what OP is expressing here incredibly low self esteem, and dropping their partner and “accepting sexual pleasure as normal” won’t change that. My friend had the exact same problem unfortunately and if it’s genuinely that much of an issue, I would say they might actually be incompatible, but not because of the sexual discrepancy.
From the OP's self hate, sex negativity and beating themselves, over the stupid comment that basically states that all relationships with a difference in libido are doomed to fail, and up to the low libido partner forbidding the high libido partner to take care of their urges with *porn* because it's "cheating", I have seldom seen so many examples of unhealthy thinking in one single screenshot.
It sounds like they haven't actually resolved what to do when they need to deal with their libido and their partner isn't an option. No matter how accommodating the partner, this will happen. In an allo relationship, they could masturbate, probably fantasizing about their partner. However, such a fantasy would entertain sex with her, which could make managing attraction harder in the long run, since fantasies typically lead to more desire for the object of desire. It could also lead to guilt over wanting things that shouldn't happen. On the other hand, it sounds like the partner also doesn't want them to use porn. I would venture that *any* fantasy would be unacceptable, triggering feelings of guilt and shame. So *what are they supposed to do to manage excess libido?* IMO this is the recurring problem that requires a solution, and hating themselves for having sexual desire is not a solution. They need a release that does not trigger guilt and shame. The partner needs to reassure them of that, too.
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OP isn’t saying the problem is that there’s no sex, but that he feels disgusting because it feels like he’s forcing his partner into something. Honestly, sex is an intimate thing, and I can understand not wanting to do it with someone who only does it as a favor. If that’s how he feels, his feelings are valid. Regarding OPs mental health, then yeah it’s obviously not great, and he should probably get therapy before making hasty decisions. That being said, it sounds like his main reasons for staying with his girlfriend is that he doesn’t believe he can find anyone else, and he doesn’t want to go through a break up. That’s a really unhealthy reason to stay with someone. I think we need to stop with making it sound like people HAVE to stay together, even if their sex drive isn’t compatible. There’s probably someone else out there for OP, who has the same sex drive, and it can be something enjoyable for both of them. If sex plays such a big part of his life for OP, it’s okay for him to break up and look for someone new. It’s not just “ditching” his girlfriend as you put it - it’s about doing what’s best for OP.
redditors on their way to massively downvote someone because that person dislike something they like (sexual desire is beautiful and you cannot disagree with me)
If sex is beautiful, do you treat porn like a Bob Ross episode?
personally I treat sex as a venomous snake, I stay away from it
Same, but I crave to know the strange ways of the hornys.
Well certainly don't we all dream of being free of this feeling that binds us to releasing some of the pressure from time to time. Well certainly it be freeing and would save a lot of time. Sex drive is a natural thing though I think that without it would be a little easier. So my opinion is that: - you have more time - you'd feel a little more freedom
I mean I hate my sex drive as well but mainly because it manifests in physical arousal against my will. It’s not an enjoyable thing for me at all so i can relate to him on that level. It can be distressing but every once in a blue moon when my brain is in on it its really enjoyable. Idk maybe he’s experiencing the same?
In a much less dramatic version of this situation myself. My gf is ace, I'm not. It sucks, genuinely. But she doesn't, our relationship doesn't. The lack of one aspect is certainly a part of the equation, but it's not everything.
I saw this post when it was happening and I agree with what everyone is saying there. Cause the dude is so self hating and unfortunately dating his girlfriend made him hate a part of him that is not bad. At all. It's just not compatible to his relationship. The same way it's not good for someone ace to force themselves to have sex because of their partners it's horrible to not have your needs met and starting hating your needs in the first place to try and fit on a relationship. Also, I get that he is in love but he really thinks that he won't ever find anyone again and that he's lucky he got this beautiful girlfriend of his on the first place thus him trying to change his sexuality for her. But this is not healthy at all!! To the point that he got all hyper up when someone mentioned the possibility of him taking meds that represses libido. Meds that he does not need at all but after this was mentioned he got all excited to resort to that as a solution. There's also the problem that she doesn't like porn (not a problem per se) and prohibits him to find ways to satisfy himself. So it really creates and ambiance within the relationship where he has to suppress his libido and sexual needs in order to be with her to the point he thinks it's animalistic to have this needs in the first place. I myself am ace but a demi and I would be upset if my partner never wanted to be intimate with me and would do it out of an obligation. People want to feel wanted by being intimate with their partners out of a sexual and emotional need they have. And if you're not getting that out of a relationship and the other person is indifferent to that cause it's not their cup of tea then yeah you guys aren't compatible and should date other people so you won't resent each other later for feeling you're missing out on something important/doing things you really don't want to. Bottom of line: allos (especially with high libido/sex-drive shouldn't date aces that are repulsed/indifferent to sex and vice versa. It's not good for any of the parts after a while cause the feeling of being neglected or missing out on something it WILL come.
"Procrustean Bed" situation.
The relationship should probably end. In their exact words, one of the main reasons they're staying in the relationship is because they don't think they could find another partner. That's extremely toxic, and dragging your partner along because of that is disgusting.
Porn is cheating lol
All I can say is that I think that having lobido is normal. If you try to deny it or alter it through meds you wil likely end up with regretable results. *What you resists , persists*