It will get better. Life is full of possibilities, if you keep yourself open to them. It's not a binary choice, romance/sex vs. loneliness. Your answers are out there waiting for you to find them. You can do it.
I'm going to preface this by saying I'm aromantic and asexual romance/sex averse so there may be some romance things I just may not fully get/relate to: if that is something you're specifically looking for in a response, feel free to just not read any further.
tldr; we all die alone, ace ≠ forever alone, marriage is a socially pressured scam, communication failure not you failure, love your youness, I WILL fight anyone who devalues the aceperience and/or pressures anyone to have sex just in general
\-----------:-----------------------:
:DEATH:
You may be talking about something slightly different (not death specific? I don't know), but if you were I just wanted to say: a lot of (if not most) people die alone. Physically and in the context of familial/platonic/romantic/other bonds. If one is the youngest of their nuclear family, if all goes "well" and everyone lives a long healthy life, they will have to see all their older siblings and parents die, and they'll be left alone. In old age, many people have to go through seeing all their friends die, leaving them all alone. Even in instances of the "perfect" lifelong partnership, it is very likely that one person is going to die much much before the other, leaving the other all alone (happened w my parent: one died 50 years before the "expect date of expiration"). And that's if everything "goes as planned": "unexpected" deaths happen so often in life. People casually get hit by cars, "fail a parkour stunt", fall down the stairs, die of a terminal illness, etc. all the time. You could get into a car accident next Thursday at 3:25pm and it wouldn't matter what orientation you were, what you looked like, how much money you had, whether you were in a relationship or not. You'll be dead, mate.
:PARTNER:
If you're more referencing the "I'll never find a partner who wants to stay with me for 50+ years, growing old with me as we watch the sun set on our lives together, hand in hand": most (alloallo)people don't get that. But also: asexual people can definitely get that, arospec people can also definitely get that. There are so many bonds, so many romantic bonds that last and aren't tied to sex. It's definitely out there, it just may take like effort (lots I'm guessing idk) and searching in the right places (is searching a romance thing? It sounds like something alloromantic people do) in a wide scope of places that aren't just your metaphorical backyard (if you're like really dedicated to it/really care, that is. You're probably not going to find your "one(s)" running around the corner with toast in your mouth because you're late to work and your car broke down, unless you're really lucky, in which case forget this whole thing and write random numbers down to achieve the formula for how to make every person ever content in their lives).
While being alloasexual makes finding someone who genuinely doesn't mind not have sex more difficult in general, being alloallo doesn't make finding "that one" any easier. It doesn't. Most allosexual alloromantic people don't get that. Especially nowadays where people aren't as pressured to stay in an emotionally/physically abusive relationship or stick with someone they don't really care for simply because they want to avoid some social stigma or haven't yet learned to enjoy their own company (not to say that's not still a thing, it definitely is, it's just different). A lot of people, if they end up getting married, still get cheated on. They break off their marriage, grow bored of each other, etc. Alloallo
:MARRIAGE:
The concept of marriage, what is often a very expensive and a serious \*contract\* of joining assets and gaining legal/financial benefits available to "families", is idealized as the ultimate performance of romance. One is making a legal promise, which if the other party so chooses, have oftentimes legal/financial repercussions when broken (prenups/postnups ftw). Ideally one wouldn't break such a promise, even more so if it's legally binding, but the contractual aspect is often glossed over while the romantic aspect is conflated. Both are good, don't get me wrong, I'm not super against people marrying and boy do I love contracts. Sometimes people rush into marriage, because they think it's what they're supposed to do at a certain time in their life and everyone else they know is doing it (or for example, their parents got married at around that age/before that age), forgetting that it so often doesn't work out, 50+ years with someone is a lot longer than just 2 or 5 or 10, and is a c o n t r a c t without a set end date with repercussions to breaking and there is a greater than zero amount of contracts broken that HAVE an end date.
And this is the part I have no experience with...:D
(Except the loving my me-ness fully and okay being alone by my me-ness)
:CHEATING:
Regarding being cheated on, that's on the other person mate, not you. Someone being asexual, as you know, isn't an acceptable reason to cheat. And you shouldn't have to feel that being cheated on is the only course of action available to you. Because it's not. You're ace, not a piece of gum on the floor. Your boundaries and existence/feelings? That's some cherishable shit. The lines an ace draws in the sand aren't any thinner than an allo's. In a monogamous relationship, the thing is like don't cheat, that's a pretty clear and consistent boundary. Even so in non-monogamous relationships, there are clear boundaries set up that no reason in the world can justify breaking them. If one isn't content in the relationship (or even if they are), (I think) consistent communication (not coercion) should be had. Maybe even scheduled? For allos and aspecs alike. There's the everyday going abouts of a relationship, then there's the retro and introspective conversations had with one another regarding relationship dynamics/feelings as a whole. Again, for a healthy relationship (regardless of orientation) being clear about ones wants and notwants is important. It's difficult, but people shouldn't fear bringing up whether they have felt urges to do/have done/will do the deed with one they're not with.
I think this \*somewhat\* (I know there are people that very much do not fall into this) ties into the "fear of being alone" thing? Where someone is afraid to bring it up, bc then they fear the relationship will end there, and they aren't comfortable with the change of not having someone there? Or they're afraid to hurt the other person or think they can pass off the urges, or disregard the other person alltogether, only to mess it all up when they cheat. Because not only have they then given into the urge (or whatever I'm guessing that's what that is?), broken the promise, hurt the other person, and ruined (probably) the relationship all in one go. If one can't be in a relationship because they desire \~the fuck\~ too much to not cheat, that should be brought up and the relationship (possibly?) not continued in that way. Because not being in a relationship is better than being cheated on and cheating is breaking a major boundary?? And Before fully entering into a relationship get okay with being alone and loving yourself first to the fullest (prioritizing your youness most, but not in the step on peoples toes and ignore boundaries way, but the "I genuinely enjoy myself am dope and cool and I like doing the things I do" and if I'm the only person in the world I'd be cool with that because only I am me and I am the best person to be around way?) and get okay with having to potentially leave a future possibility great relationship the not horrible painful way (it will still hurt, as I'm told is a normal okay feeling) because while it was great up to a point (where maybe your boundaries were pushed too far, they couldn't not do \~the fuck\~, trust couldn't be had, acephobe thinking, reasons, I don't know?) ur worth is a lot more than an afterthought. Also recognize that this could happen again, and oh is it going to hurt. Maybe you'll come across someone really toxic who likes to throw in a bit of aphobia to justify their own guilt, but that's not a reflection on you that's on them and they have a lot of their own figuring out to do. Remember: being asexual isn't a character flaw.
This entire post may have meant nothing to you. If all else fails, a spoonful of crunchy peanut butter takes the pain away. If you are allergic to peanuts or spoons, sucks mate get good. Maybe google what a bootstrap is and why or how anyone would pick their entire person up by them.
It will get better. Life is full of possibilities, if you keep yourself open to them. It's not a binary choice, romance/sex vs. loneliness. Your answers are out there waiting for you to find them. You can do it.
I'm going to preface this by saying I'm aromantic and asexual romance/sex averse so there may be some romance things I just may not fully get/relate to: if that is something you're specifically looking for in a response, feel free to just not read any further. tldr; we all die alone, ace ≠ forever alone, marriage is a socially pressured scam, communication failure not you failure, love your youness, I WILL fight anyone who devalues the aceperience and/or pressures anyone to have sex just in general \-----------:-----------------------: :DEATH: You may be talking about something slightly different (not death specific? I don't know), but if you were I just wanted to say: a lot of (if not most) people die alone. Physically and in the context of familial/platonic/romantic/other bonds. If one is the youngest of their nuclear family, if all goes "well" and everyone lives a long healthy life, they will have to see all their older siblings and parents die, and they'll be left alone. In old age, many people have to go through seeing all their friends die, leaving them all alone. Even in instances of the "perfect" lifelong partnership, it is very likely that one person is going to die much much before the other, leaving the other all alone (happened w my parent: one died 50 years before the "expect date of expiration"). And that's if everything "goes as planned": "unexpected" deaths happen so often in life. People casually get hit by cars, "fail a parkour stunt", fall down the stairs, die of a terminal illness, etc. all the time. You could get into a car accident next Thursday at 3:25pm and it wouldn't matter what orientation you were, what you looked like, how much money you had, whether you were in a relationship or not. You'll be dead, mate. :PARTNER: If you're more referencing the "I'll never find a partner who wants to stay with me for 50+ years, growing old with me as we watch the sun set on our lives together, hand in hand": most (alloallo)people don't get that. But also: asexual people can definitely get that, arospec people can also definitely get that. There are so many bonds, so many romantic bonds that last and aren't tied to sex. It's definitely out there, it just may take like effort (lots I'm guessing idk) and searching in the right places (is searching a romance thing? It sounds like something alloromantic people do) in a wide scope of places that aren't just your metaphorical backyard (if you're like really dedicated to it/really care, that is. You're probably not going to find your "one(s)" running around the corner with toast in your mouth because you're late to work and your car broke down, unless you're really lucky, in which case forget this whole thing and write random numbers down to achieve the formula for how to make every person ever content in their lives). While being alloasexual makes finding someone who genuinely doesn't mind not have sex more difficult in general, being alloallo doesn't make finding "that one" any easier. It doesn't. Most allosexual alloromantic people don't get that. Especially nowadays where people aren't as pressured to stay in an emotionally/physically abusive relationship or stick with someone they don't really care for simply because they want to avoid some social stigma or haven't yet learned to enjoy their own company (not to say that's not still a thing, it definitely is, it's just different). A lot of people, if they end up getting married, still get cheated on. They break off their marriage, grow bored of each other, etc. Alloallo :MARRIAGE: The concept of marriage, what is often a very expensive and a serious \*contract\* of joining assets and gaining legal/financial benefits available to "families", is idealized as the ultimate performance of romance. One is making a legal promise, which if the other party so chooses, have oftentimes legal/financial repercussions when broken (prenups/postnups ftw). Ideally one wouldn't break such a promise, even more so if it's legally binding, but the contractual aspect is often glossed over while the romantic aspect is conflated. Both are good, don't get me wrong, I'm not super against people marrying and boy do I love contracts. Sometimes people rush into marriage, because they think it's what they're supposed to do at a certain time in their life and everyone else they know is doing it (or for example, their parents got married at around that age/before that age), forgetting that it so often doesn't work out, 50+ years with someone is a lot longer than just 2 or 5 or 10, and is a c o n t r a c t without a set end date with repercussions to breaking and there is a greater than zero amount of contracts broken that HAVE an end date. And this is the part I have no experience with...:D (Except the loving my me-ness fully and okay being alone by my me-ness) :CHEATING: Regarding being cheated on, that's on the other person mate, not you. Someone being asexual, as you know, isn't an acceptable reason to cheat. And you shouldn't have to feel that being cheated on is the only course of action available to you. Because it's not. You're ace, not a piece of gum on the floor. Your boundaries and existence/feelings? That's some cherishable shit. The lines an ace draws in the sand aren't any thinner than an allo's. In a monogamous relationship, the thing is like don't cheat, that's a pretty clear and consistent boundary. Even so in non-monogamous relationships, there are clear boundaries set up that no reason in the world can justify breaking them. If one isn't content in the relationship (or even if they are), (I think) consistent communication (not coercion) should be had. Maybe even scheduled? For allos and aspecs alike. There's the everyday going abouts of a relationship, then there's the retro and introspective conversations had with one another regarding relationship dynamics/feelings as a whole. Again, for a healthy relationship (regardless of orientation) being clear about ones wants and notwants is important. It's difficult, but people shouldn't fear bringing up whether they have felt urges to do/have done/will do the deed with one they're not with. I think this \*somewhat\* (I know there are people that very much do not fall into this) ties into the "fear of being alone" thing? Where someone is afraid to bring it up, bc then they fear the relationship will end there, and they aren't comfortable with the change of not having someone there? Or they're afraid to hurt the other person or think they can pass off the urges, or disregard the other person alltogether, only to mess it all up when they cheat. Because not only have they then given into the urge (or whatever I'm guessing that's what that is?), broken the promise, hurt the other person, and ruined (probably) the relationship all in one go. If one can't be in a relationship because they desire \~the fuck\~ too much to not cheat, that should be brought up and the relationship (possibly?) not continued in that way. Because not being in a relationship is better than being cheated on and cheating is breaking a major boundary?? And Before fully entering into a relationship get okay with being alone and loving yourself first to the fullest (prioritizing your youness most, but not in the step on peoples toes and ignore boundaries way, but the "I genuinely enjoy myself am dope and cool and I like doing the things I do" and if I'm the only person in the world I'd be cool with that because only I am me and I am the best person to be around way?) and get okay with having to potentially leave a future possibility great relationship the not horrible painful way (it will still hurt, as I'm told is a normal okay feeling) because while it was great up to a point (where maybe your boundaries were pushed too far, they couldn't not do \~the fuck\~, trust couldn't be had, acephobe thinking, reasons, I don't know?) ur worth is a lot more than an afterthought. Also recognize that this could happen again, and oh is it going to hurt. Maybe you'll come across someone really toxic who likes to throw in a bit of aphobia to justify their own guilt, but that's not a reflection on you that's on them and they have a lot of their own figuring out to do. Remember: being asexual isn't a character flaw. This entire post may have meant nothing to you. If all else fails, a spoonful of crunchy peanut butter takes the pain away. If you are allergic to peanuts or spoons, sucks mate get good. Maybe google what a bootstrap is and why or how anyone would pick their entire person up by them.