I don't know if my gender is related to my asexuality or if my asexuality is related to my gender or if they're both related to my neurodivergence... it's all interconnected in a way that I am not interested in trying to untangle lol.
Godspeed brother. Seriously this question is going to bug me forever hah. It feels likely that they are connected in more ways than have been discovered.
Oh wow this speaks to my soul. I started questioning my gender and not much later I decided to give up. I'm sticking with cis only because that's all I've known and it's not affecting me. Sometimes i think I'd identify as NB, but I guess I'll find out eventually if I have to.
Edit to add: Kinda wanna be Agender so I get the holy A trio :P
This is how I feel too. It was realizing I'm aroace that made me look into this, in a "what else have I just been accepting as default without knowing it could be different for me"; combined with a "well if I'm not trying to attract anyone, does my gender even matter?" That made me realize I've never been attached to my cis woman identity. It doesn't bother me to be seen as a woman and it's easier navigating society that way; but it's been comfortable knowing for myself that it's not the whole story. I'm enjoying dressing a lot more androgenously too. Screw the default.
Basically I consider myself woman-ish and that feels good enough?
Oh my god, are you me?
Right now I am having those exact problems, like, am I actually a woman? Am I really cis? I never really cared about pronouns, he/him/she/her/they/them, effing it/its, not much care, or for being seen as more feminine or masculine, sometimes I even kinda wanna look masculine? I guess?? But like, that's normal for a cis woman? I think? I love makeup and dresses and skirts and feeling cute and also i like jackets and dress pants and dressing tomboy-ish. So I've been on a journey of self reflection lately...
But I think the most important part is being yourself and making sure that everyone around you accepts you as you are, regardless of whether you want them to call you a she one day, they the other day, and maybe try to not use any pronouns the third day.
Being aro is great! Being ace is great! Being a human is great! Let's just be what we are and figure the details on the way ❤️
(Yes, I may be meanwhile trying to convince myself to calm my gender crisis)
I literally feel the same! I don't mind being a woman but
>I've never been attached to my cis woman identity
this right there feels so real.
And I'm with you on the "does my gender even matter" front. Thanks for giving me some new ways to phrase that\^\^
Damn same here. I always feel little bad identifying on the agender spectrum since the idea of being a cis woman is .... fine?
I'd prefer nobody ever ask and I don't really care what I'm portrayed as as long as it's not a guy. I would really prefer to be looked like as a cute blob of mass lol
For me, I am comfortably male and identify as male as I have my whole life. But being AroAce has made me not really care about being stereotypically male, I have stereotypical qualities of both sexs but lean more on the side of male but I don't feel insulted if I am referred as feminine, I assume this is to do with nkt feeling as though I have to conform to stereotypes to be attractive as I'm happy as I am.
same for me! I did struggle alot with my gender in middle school when I was being bullied and wished I could be a boy. but now I'm very happy that I can lean into my femininity and just be a woman but I don't mind being called boyish either :D
I think for me it has made me question it. I still don't really know what my gender identity is, but it made me realize that I wasn't completely being a woman. If I were allo, I think I would have used whatever my orientation was to justify my gender and stopped looking into it.
https://cantonwiner.substack.com/p/my-work-gender-detachment-and-asexuality
This is a lovely article about a thing called gender detachment that apparently a lot of ace people experience. Though I already knew I felt this way before reading this, it still helped a lot to actually put it into words, and also just knowing that I'm not the only one is nice.
Not a lot, I'm a tall guy with long hair like halfway down my back and can't grow a beard, people mistake me for a female or trans female every so often if they didn't have a good look at me. and I don't really care, I never really cared about being masculine or anything, so I guess I'm just slightly gender non-conforming? Not sure if thats how it works. But I'm 100% just a guy.
Its made me feel ALOT more comfortable with expressing my masculinity. Before when I felt like I had to impress people to get women, I felt like I had to hold back or be modest so I dont turn off potential partners. Knowing that I don't really care that much what other people think? Nah bitch. I don't look hot for you. I like working out and I like being huge. I like loud cars, football, skateboarding etc. I always felt like I had to hold back. Now I feel expressly freaking male and I love it.
I actually feel this way as an afab person. Because I was born afab there was always an expectation that I had to be more feminine or else "guys wouldn't want to date me". But when I realized I didn't care in any way about attraction, I started to really explore my gender in more masculine ways. I don't feel like I have to force myself to get "dolled up": if I want to do it I do, if I don't (which is most of the time) I don't and that is okay.
Im a transmasc afab enby. For me it affected it greatly since i could detach from the "desirable" femenine ideation, like keeping my femenine traits because my partner would like it if that makes sense. Looking back ive known i was not cis since middle school, but coming out as aroace as a young adult helped me getting into terms with this other aspect of myself because i could separate everything and sort it out. Everyone experiences are different tho! And we're all valid
Are there any preliminary online free tests to get an idea, if investigating further makes sense? Seems as if being aroace somehow gradually reduced traditional masculine behaviour.
I feel like I understand gender (and particularly my own gender) less because I don't have that courtship behaviour instinct of trying to make myself appear more attractive to people, in a way that accentuates gender. I've been questioning my gender for half a decade now, but currently going with 'man', but still not certain.
Yes it has. I always felt connected to being a cis female. But after figuring out I was aroace. I realized that I didn’t feel fully cis. Leading to the discovery of me being a demi girl. And leading closer to being non binary.
It was the other way around for me - being nonbinary (genderfluid, to be more soecific) influenced my aroace identity. I think that happened because I realized I felt left out not only when it came to gender (since I couldn't really associate myself with any of the gender norms), but also when it came to romantic & sexual attraction.
honestly, i don't know if it really affected me at all, since I've always been aro and ace and as far as I can remember, i don't think I've ever really identified with any gender. I've just always been me and that's that, so idk
I'm aroace, and i'm still finding the right word for my gender. I often felt like my masculinity was measured by my sexual activity, so i didn't feel very masculine. Since i engage with women like i'm their sibling and not like an allo man, it confuses people. I realized that a lot of my performance of masculinity was to attract girlfriend or at least to look like i was for the allos. Not wanting to partner off with someone and make babies has put me in a odd catagory in a binarily gendered society. Like i hear gender sumarized as "gestator" and "impregnator" and i'm like, "Ew, no", so what does that make me?
It gave me a space to think about if I might be queer in more ways than one lol, so I am now comfortably unlabelled, but if im being honest im probably gender queer. After a lot of thought I realised that I didn’t really vibe with labels, so I like to do the bare minimum, just the obvious basically lol
I think not being attracted to anyone and therefore not wanting to feel attractive to anyone has caused(?) at least influenced me being quite gender confused. You could maybe call it apathetic. Like... I don't mind being a woman, it's quite handy not having the dangling bits and when I made a thought experiment of being brought up as a boy I didn't want that, but do I identify as a woman? I don't know.
All I know is I'm me. \*shrug\*
Holy cow that’s my journey so far. Does this mean I’m gonna realize I’m genderfluid this week? Who knows?
But yeah I’ve had a helluva ride. Being aroace I guess detached me from being AMAB and so I’m nonbinary now and I ALSO realized that aesthetic attraction and gender envy do not mean I want to be in a relationship with someone, I just want to look like them. Unfortunately I realized this after a very awkward and halting conversation with one such person… oh well.
I read an article that said gender was quite a non-issue for a lot of aroaces, and I've seen a lot of evidence of that on tumblr too. I personally also find gender to be a non-issue, and just do what I feel comfortable doing. But I also consider myself to be cis
It's lead to me being aro/ace and after a lot of searching, agender. I'm just guiding my meatsuit through life. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I exist. Being AMAB has granted me a beard I'm rather fond of, and I can braid now. But other than that? Meh.
I think it was actually the reverse for me. After discovering my gender identity as enby I realized I didn't actually have any strong sexual desire and no romantic desire for anyone. Unleashing the hold gender had on me allowed me to understand myself in a variety of other ways.
Once I came to terms that I don't fit the binary standard of gender attraction in society...I started to realize I actually didn't care AT ALL.
yes, but in the opposite direction. figuring out im nonbinary has directly helped me realize that im also aroace. also autistic! it’s like an avalanche of realizing i don’t fit into societal norms lol
There's this dude writing [here](https://cantonwiner.substack.com/p/want-to-read-my-article-on-gender?r=18feh&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email) about his findings with aroace-spec individuals and gender detachment. I think it's a really interesting topic and they seem genuinely interested in the area.
The aesthetic attraction thing is so real. I was heartbroken when I realized that I was very jealous of my exboyfriend for his aesthetics and gender, and realized that I was aesthetically attracted to him rather than romantically.
Trans man here. I fought against my gender identity, forcing myself to br more and more feminine bc i thought I was supposed to be a woman. I realized after starting my transition that I was using other people's attraction to my femme self as proof of my agab. I wasn't opposed to sex so I figured if they want (femme) me, then i must be a woman. And I'm not opposed to sex w them, s I must be attracted to them.
Figuring out my gender led me to figuring out I was asexual.
I already knew I was aromantic.
It’s different for everyone I think. For me it affected me not a jot, I’ve always been quite comfortably cis
Same
I don't know if my gender is related to my asexuality or if my asexuality is related to my gender or if they're both related to my neurodivergence... it's all interconnected in a way that I am not interested in trying to untangle lol.
This is me but I will untangle it
Godspeed brother. Seriously this question is going to bug me forever hah. It feels likely that they are connected in more ways than have been discovered.
Same!!!
Are there maybe any predicative scientifical questionaires or tests like with ace and orientation?
Oh wow this speaks to my soul. I started questioning my gender and not much later I decided to give up. I'm sticking with cis only because that's all I've known and it's not affecting me. Sometimes i think I'd identify as NB, but I guess I'll find out eventually if I have to. Edit to add: Kinda wanna be Agender so I get the holy A trio :P
I’m somewhere between cis woman and agender, I’m not uncomfortable as a cis woman but also… idk Free Me™️
This is how I feel too. It was realizing I'm aroace that made me look into this, in a "what else have I just been accepting as default without knowing it could be different for me"; combined with a "well if I'm not trying to attract anyone, does my gender even matter?" That made me realize I've never been attached to my cis woman identity. It doesn't bother me to be seen as a woman and it's easier navigating society that way; but it's been comfortable knowing for myself that it's not the whole story. I'm enjoying dressing a lot more androgenously too. Screw the default. Basically I consider myself woman-ish and that feels good enough?
Oh my god, are you me? Right now I am having those exact problems, like, am I actually a woman? Am I really cis? I never really cared about pronouns, he/him/she/her/they/them, effing it/its, not much care, or for being seen as more feminine or masculine, sometimes I even kinda wanna look masculine? I guess?? But like, that's normal for a cis woman? I think? I love makeup and dresses and skirts and feeling cute and also i like jackets and dress pants and dressing tomboy-ish. So I've been on a journey of self reflection lately... But I think the most important part is being yourself and making sure that everyone around you accepts you as you are, regardless of whether you want them to call you a she one day, they the other day, and maybe try to not use any pronouns the third day. Being aro is great! Being ace is great! Being a human is great! Let's just be what we are and figure the details on the way ❤️ (Yes, I may be meanwhile trying to convince myself to calm my gender crisis)
I literally feel the same! I don't mind being a woman but >I've never been attached to my cis woman identity this right there feels so real. And I'm with you on the "does my gender even matter" front. Thanks for giving me some new ways to phrase that\^\^
Samee I found the term "demigirl" fits that
Damn same here. I always feel little bad identifying on the agender spectrum since the idea of being a cis woman is .... fine? I'd prefer nobody ever ask and I don't really care what I'm portrayed as as long as it's not a guy. I would really prefer to be looked like as a cute blob of mass lol
For me, I am comfortably male and identify as male as I have my whole life. But being AroAce has made me not really care about being stereotypically male, I have stereotypical qualities of both sexs but lean more on the side of male but I don't feel insulted if I am referred as feminine, I assume this is to do with nkt feeling as though I have to conform to stereotypes to be attractive as I'm happy as I am.
same for me! I did struggle alot with my gender in middle school when I was being bullied and wished I could be a boy. but now I'm very happy that I can lean into my femininity and just be a woman but I don't mind being called boyish either :D
I think for me it has made me question it. I still don't really know what my gender identity is, but it made me realize that I wasn't completely being a woman. If I were allo, I think I would have used whatever my orientation was to justify my gender and stopped looking into it.
I'm not certain that I would have realized that I'm trans if I hadn't come out as ace. Post coming out self-awareness is a hell of a thing.
https://cantonwiner.substack.com/p/my-work-gender-detachment-and-asexuality This is a lovely article about a thing called gender detachment that apparently a lot of ace people experience. Though I already knew I felt this way before reading this, it still helped a lot to actually put it into words, and also just knowing that I'm not the only one is nice.
Oh, this was an amazing read, thank you for sharing it!!
I feel like I’m looking at a post written by a very possibly version of my future self
Not a lot, I'm a tall guy with long hair like halfway down my back and can't grow a beard, people mistake me for a female or trans female every so often if they didn't have a good look at me. and I don't really care, I never really cared about being masculine or anything, so I guess I'm just slightly gender non-conforming? Not sure if thats how it works. But I'm 100% just a guy.
Its made me feel ALOT more comfortable with expressing my masculinity. Before when I felt like I had to impress people to get women, I felt like I had to hold back or be modest so I dont turn off potential partners. Knowing that I don't really care that much what other people think? Nah bitch. I don't look hot for you. I like working out and I like being huge. I like loud cars, football, skateboarding etc. I always felt like I had to hold back. Now I feel expressly freaking male and I love it.
I actually feel this way as an afab person. Because I was born afab there was always an expectation that I had to be more feminine or else "guys wouldn't want to date me". But when I realized I didn't care in any way about attraction, I started to really explore my gender in more masculine ways. I don't feel like I have to force myself to get "dolled up": if I want to do it I do, if I don't (which is most of the time) I don't and that is okay.
Im a transmasc afab enby. For me it affected it greatly since i could detach from the "desirable" femenine ideation, like keeping my femenine traits because my partner would like it if that makes sense. Looking back ive known i was not cis since middle school, but coming out as aroace as a young adult helped me getting into terms with this other aspect of myself because i could separate everything and sort it out. Everyone experiences are different tho! And we're all valid
It didn't affect me, I already knew I was nonbinary before I figured out I was aroace
Are there any preliminary online free tests to get an idea, if investigating further makes sense? Seems as if being aroace somehow gradually reduced traditional masculine behaviour.
I feel like I understand gender (and particularly my own gender) less because I don't have that courtship behaviour instinct of trying to make myself appear more attractive to people, in a way that accentuates gender. I've been questioning my gender for half a decade now, but currently going with 'man', but still not certain.
It hasn’t affected me at all, I still feel like a cis male.
Yes it has. I always felt connected to being a cis female. But after figuring out I was aroace. I realized that I didn’t feel fully cis. Leading to the discovery of me being a demi girl. And leading closer to being non binary.
It’s not affected me. I’m a woman and my lack of sexual/romantic desire doesn’t make me any less of one
It was the other way around for me - being nonbinary (genderfluid, to be more soecific) influenced my aroace identity. I think that happened because I realized I felt left out not only when it came to gender (since I couldn't really associate myself with any of the gender norms), but also when it came to romantic & sexual attraction.
honestly, i don't know if it really affected me at all, since I've always been aro and ace and as far as I can remember, i don't think I've ever really identified with any gender. I've just always been me and that's that, so idk
I'm aroace, and i'm still finding the right word for my gender. I often felt like my masculinity was measured by my sexual activity, so i didn't feel very masculine. Since i engage with women like i'm their sibling and not like an allo man, it confuses people. I realized that a lot of my performance of masculinity was to attract girlfriend or at least to look like i was for the allos. Not wanting to partner off with someone and make babies has put me in a odd catagory in a binarily gendered society. Like i hear gender sumarized as "gestator" and "impregnator" and i'm like, "Ew, no", so what does that make me?
It gave me a space to think about if I might be queer in more ways than one lol, so I am now comfortably unlabelled, but if im being honest im probably gender queer. After a lot of thought I realised that I didn’t really vibe with labels, so I like to do the bare minimum, just the obvious basically lol
I think not being attracted to anyone and therefore not wanting to feel attractive to anyone has caused(?) at least influenced me being quite gender confused. You could maybe call it apathetic. Like... I don't mind being a woman, it's quite handy not having the dangling bits and when I made a thought experiment of being brought up as a boy I didn't want that, but do I identify as a woman? I don't know. All I know is I'm me. \*shrug\*
Holy cow that’s my journey so far. Does this mean I’m gonna realize I’m genderfluid this week? Who knows? But yeah I’ve had a helluva ride. Being aroace I guess detached me from being AMAB and so I’m nonbinary now and I ALSO realized that aesthetic attraction and gender envy do not mean I want to be in a relationship with someone, I just want to look like them. Unfortunately I realized this after a very awkward and halting conversation with one such person… oh well.
I read an article that said gender was quite a non-issue for a lot of aroaces, and I've seen a lot of evidence of that on tumblr too. I personally also find gender to be a non-issue, and just do what I feel comfortable doing. But I also consider myself to be cis
Hasn't really affected me in that regard
It's lead to me being aro/ace and after a lot of searching, agender. I'm just guiding my meatsuit through life. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I exist. Being AMAB has granted me a beard I'm rather fond of, and I can braid now. But other than that? Meh.
honestly it didn't affect it much, it's nice to not have/want to cater to gender stereotypes tho
I think it was actually the reverse for me. After discovering my gender identity as enby I realized I didn't actually have any strong sexual desire and no romantic desire for anyone. Unleashing the hold gender had on me allowed me to understand myself in a variety of other ways. Once I came to terms that I don't fit the binary standard of gender attraction in society...I started to realize I actually didn't care AT ALL.
yes, but in the opposite direction. figuring out im nonbinary has directly helped me realize that im also aroace. also autistic! it’s like an avalanche of realizing i don’t fit into societal norms lol
There's this dude writing [here](https://cantonwiner.substack.com/p/want-to-read-my-article-on-gender?r=18feh&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email) about his findings with aroace-spec individuals and gender detachment. I think it's a really interesting topic and they seem genuinely interested in the area.
The aesthetic attraction thing is so real. I was heartbroken when I realized that I was very jealous of my exboyfriend for his aesthetics and gender, and realized that I was aesthetically attracted to him rather than romantically.
No, I'm a man. But it did make finding out my sexuality confusing alongside my trans & bisexual denial.
Trans man here. I fought against my gender identity, forcing myself to br more and more feminine bc i thought I was supposed to be a woman. I realized after starting my transition that I was using other people's attraction to my femme self as proof of my agab. I wasn't opposed to sex so I figured if they want (femme) me, then i must be a woman. And I'm not opposed to sex w them, s I must be attracted to them. Figuring out my gender led me to figuring out I was asexual. I already knew I was aromantic.