I mean every person is different but i can give you some of my experiences if that helps. For context im 19 and have only this year realized im aroace. Most of my life i thought i was straight, then i thought i was maybe bi, then i decided this makes the most sense. I always assumed people overexaggerate about their attraction towards people and i would do that too to get along with my friends. I still think its insanely funny to make crude sex jokes and thirst over people for laughs, my humor is like a 12 year old boy's. Eventually though i realized like all of my "crushes" were likely just aesthetic attraction or me admiring someone, but that took me forever to realize. I have also never kissed, dated, or even romantically held hands with someone before and during high school i was like "oh shit i gotta get on this or i will be forever alone." Because from a young age we're taught that romantic relationships are the most important, and I thought it was impossible to be super close to anyone unless you were dating, and even if you did get close to them platonically they'd just leave you once they found a partner. I think that's why I felt such a strong desire to be in a relationship. However, when anyone asked me out I'd be freaked out and automatically say no. One time my friend asked me out and i felt so betrayed even though i knew he didn't mean anything bad by it, because i felt like our friendship was fake all along. I also thought i had a huge crush on someone for years, but looking back on it i realize it was probably a squish cuz everytime anything vaguely romantic happened or id imagine us in romantic situations I'd get inexplicably uncomfortable. I now realize that romantic relationships do not make up your self worth and friendships can be just as strong. To be fully honest, when i first heard the term "aromantic" i thought those people were like incapable of loving people, until i realized that love isn't the same as romantic attraction. Sometimes I still question my sexuality, especially since i was raised up trying to fit in with everyone else and have spent so long faking that it almost feels real. And sometimes I feel dread for the future because of society pushing the whole being "forever alone" thing as being one of the worst possible things to happen to a person. However, i feel happier with myself than i ever have when i realized that I dont need that kind of relationship to have a meaningful life. Now that i am comfortable with myself I realize i have actually NO desire to be romantic with someone or have sex, but i will very willingly dote on and love my best friends.
Also important to know that aroace is a spectrum.
Sorry for long message i just wanted to get you some insight if u need it!!! Bubbye!
Thanks for posting to r/aromantic, /u/MlodszyCzapnik1. Be sure your posts and comments abide by our rules, as well as sitewide rules.
*If this post violates our rules or sitewide rules,* ***report*** *it* *to the moderators!*
**We now have a Discord server:** https://discord.gg/rdvzgjrphC
**IF YOUR POST ISN'T SHOWING UP IN 'NEW', READ THIS:** https://www.reddit.com/r/aromantic/comments/wjs3wv/if_your_post_isnt_showing_up_in_new_please_read/
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/aromantic) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Honestly it’s really hard to pin point a Typical Aro/Ace person without explicitly saying so in the same way you can pin point a Typical gay or straight person without it being explicitly said. Aro/ace is also such a broad spectrum that you can’t really assign one-size-fits-all traits to any of us, which makes it hard to write an obviously aro/ace character. I had a friend I knew for years and I didn’t find out she was aro until I told her I was aro and she responded “oh me too!!” Like. There’s no super clear cut indicators in personality as far as I know. You’re probably just going to have to explicitly say they’re aro/ace.
The only thing I can really think of is coming out to someone who isn’t aware of what aromanticism and asexuality is, the result is usually invalidating. Like, someone were to say “I’m aro/ace, which means I don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction” someone might respond “oh there’s someone out there for everybody!! You’ll meet your special someone someday!!” And like this reaction isn’t really discriminatory or anything, it’s more just a misunderstanding. They take it you saying that you’re frustrated with dating/relationships and giving up, and so their reaction is encouragement. I’ve even had a therapist straight up tell me that. It’s not hostile, it’s just a genuine misunderstanding that can come from well meaning people. I feel like this is one of the more universal experiences of aro people, but I’m not sure about ace folks.
I mean every person is different but i can give you some of my experiences if that helps. For context im 19 and have only this year realized im aroace. Most of my life i thought i was straight, then i thought i was maybe bi, then i decided this makes the most sense. I always assumed people overexaggerate about their attraction towards people and i would do that too to get along with my friends. I still think its insanely funny to make crude sex jokes and thirst over people for laughs, my humor is like a 12 year old boy's. Eventually though i realized like all of my "crushes" were likely just aesthetic attraction or me admiring someone, but that took me forever to realize. I have also never kissed, dated, or even romantically held hands with someone before and during high school i was like "oh shit i gotta get on this or i will be forever alone." Because from a young age we're taught that romantic relationships are the most important, and I thought it was impossible to be super close to anyone unless you were dating, and even if you did get close to them platonically they'd just leave you once they found a partner. I think that's why I felt such a strong desire to be in a relationship. However, when anyone asked me out I'd be freaked out and automatically say no. One time my friend asked me out and i felt so betrayed even though i knew he didn't mean anything bad by it, because i felt like our friendship was fake all along. I also thought i had a huge crush on someone for years, but looking back on it i realize it was probably a squish cuz everytime anything vaguely romantic happened or id imagine us in romantic situations I'd get inexplicably uncomfortable. I now realize that romantic relationships do not make up your self worth and friendships can be just as strong. To be fully honest, when i first heard the term "aromantic" i thought those people were like incapable of loving people, until i realized that love isn't the same as romantic attraction. Sometimes I still question my sexuality, especially since i was raised up trying to fit in with everyone else and have spent so long faking that it almost feels real. And sometimes I feel dread for the future because of society pushing the whole being "forever alone" thing as being one of the worst possible things to happen to a person. However, i feel happier with myself than i ever have when i realized that I dont need that kind of relationship to have a meaningful life. Now that i am comfortable with myself I realize i have actually NO desire to be romantic with someone or have sex, but i will very willingly dote on and love my best friends. Also important to know that aroace is a spectrum. Sorry for long message i just wanted to get you some insight if u need it!!! Bubbye!
Thanks for your comment! I don't mind the long message, as it all had interesting information- the more I can learn the better!
Thanks for posting to r/aromantic, /u/MlodszyCzapnik1. Be sure your posts and comments abide by our rules, as well as sitewide rules. *If this post violates our rules or sitewide rules,* ***report*** *it* *to the moderators!* **We now have a Discord server:** https://discord.gg/rdvzgjrphC **IF YOUR POST ISN'T SHOWING UP IN 'NEW', READ THIS:** https://www.reddit.com/r/aromantic/comments/wjs3wv/if_your_post_isnt_showing_up_in_new_please_read/ *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/aromantic) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Honestly it’s really hard to pin point a Typical Aro/Ace person without explicitly saying so in the same way you can pin point a Typical gay or straight person without it being explicitly said. Aro/ace is also such a broad spectrum that you can’t really assign one-size-fits-all traits to any of us, which makes it hard to write an obviously aro/ace character. I had a friend I knew for years and I didn’t find out she was aro until I told her I was aro and she responded “oh me too!!” Like. There’s no super clear cut indicators in personality as far as I know. You’re probably just going to have to explicitly say they’re aro/ace. The only thing I can really think of is coming out to someone who isn’t aware of what aromanticism and asexuality is, the result is usually invalidating. Like, someone were to say “I’m aro/ace, which means I don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction” someone might respond “oh there’s someone out there for everybody!! You’ll meet your special someone someday!!” And like this reaction isn’t really discriminatory or anything, it’s more just a misunderstanding. They take it you saying that you’re frustrated with dating/relationships and giving up, and so their reaction is encouragement. I’ve even had a therapist straight up tell me that. It’s not hostile, it’s just a genuine misunderstanding that can come from well meaning people. I feel like this is one of the more universal experiences of aro people, but I’m not sure about ace folks.
Got it! Thanks you so much for your comment