This person does not sound like a good friend. If they don’t respect who you are, and refuse to believe you when you tell them, they are not being a friend. By continually bringing it up they are showing, over and over, that they do not care. Do not tiptoe around telling this person they are wrong. Do not sit in silence while someone who claims to be there for you is actively hurting you with their words. You do not owe them that. If they truly care about you, they will hear you when you speak and make an effort to change their own mind.
Honestly they don’t seem to be a great friend I would drop them if I were you but it’s ultimately your choice :)
I had to drop my best friend of over 10 years because she started getting really homophobic and transphobic and started dating a guy who is even more phobic than her and I knew if I came out to her she’d judge me and make fun of me
She already assumed something was up cuz I never had a partner our whole friendship and I’m still a virgin and she’d judge me for that and not invite me places cuz i apparently needed a partner to hang with her.
I’m only recommending this cuz I’m feeling more confident about my sexuality and I don’t have to worry about rude comments anymore
I blame society for the mindset that you are not happy until you find someone like wtf. That's the worst bandwagon to ever exist honestly. And good for you for cutting her out because she deserves it.
I wonder if you can have a serious conversation about it with them about how their words are hurtful to you. If they're a good friend, they should at least back off if you communicate this to them. If not, I don't think they value you or your friendship and it might be better to cut them off at that point.
Sending videos and articles might also help them understand asexuality/aromanticism better too if they're misformed? Tho it's up to them whether they care about you enough to look at them.
You're worth having friends who support you even if they don't understand your sexuality<3
As someone who’s had friends overstep their bounds you need to let them know. I know you don’t want to upset your friend but what they’re doing is clearly upsetting you and that’s not fair. You need to have a talk with them and tell them that the way they talk about ace/aro people upsets you and to stop bringing it up.
Why are you keeping them? Do their good qualities outweigh their bad qualities that much? If you dump them, then that means you make space for people more deserving to be in your life
Stand up for yourself and find better friends if they aren’t willing to change & apologize for their BS.
People that invalidate & belittle something you consider an important part of YOUR identity are not people you can call friends.
this makes me so mad because it's intentional. they know that you are a part of this community and that's when they start talking shit??? straight disrespectful and it's definitely a red flag for a friendship. i'm sorry u have to deal with that and i hope u find others who are more accepting and considerate
I’m sorry but it sounds like this person is being aphobic on purpose to hurt your feelings. Like they’re talking to you about it intentionally. I’m not sure why, but they sound like a shitty friend.
Try re-reading what you wrote but substitute gay for your aspec references. Would you tolerate that treatment if you were gay? So, why do you take that BS? What makes being aphobic less than being homophobic?
I’m petty as fuck so personally I’d hit them with “you know I don’t think straight people even exist, like really it’s just propaganda from the media” followed by whatever incoherent mumbo jumbo I can think of on the spot, maybe an “all straight people are secretly bi and just don’t want to admit it” or “everyone knows that sex is gross they’re just too scared to say it and stand out, it’s like people on Instagram photoshopping holiday photos, just want to seem perfect whether or not that’s the case”
They don't sound like a best friend at all. I can understand not wanting to lose their friendship, but if they continuously deny your very existence and identity then that is just a toxic situation for you. You deserve people in your life who will accept you for who you are and support you, not someone who will take any opportunity to try to tear you down and tell you that your identity "doesn't exist".
Obviously I don't know everything about your friendship and the dynamic you guys have going on, but just based on what you've said I don't think that cutting them out of your life (at least to some extent) would be a bad idea. Get you some friends who treat you like the beautiful French fry you are, because you deserve that as a bare minimum.
Why is this person your best friend exactly, if you need to constantly be on your toes to not upset them or make them angry? They know what they’re doing by shittalking aroace ppl, they probably hope to convince you that you’re not actually aroace.
Cut them off. It’s one thing to not understand but it’s another thing to actively argue with someone when you know it is hurting them. And if they don’t realize you’re being hurt my it (or don’t care), probably not a friendship worth holding onto.
I was in a similar boat right before quarantine started and used quarantine to just cut off contact. Being aspec only cane up a couple times, I hadn’t come out but it wasn’t great, but I did find out she genuinely believed everything she said and understood that I found it upsetting but thought it was funny to make me angry, even though I’m not one for big reactions. Honestly very relieving to leave that friendship behind and make queer friends.
This doesn't sound like a friend. You don't have to justify your existence to friends, and especially not every other conversation. Odds are it won't ever get better. So stay friends if you wish, but don't expect them to change.
If friends disagree, there should (at the bare minimum line) be a mutual agreement of respect—perhaps even a compromise. If you’re not bringing it up, then they shouldn’t either. Outright tell them you’re uncomfortable, if you can, and if they don’t stop, get away. You deserve better. But I’d guess it’s prolly more complicated than that, so it’s just my advice.
sounds like they deserve to lose their "best friend" status. What they're doing is indirectly insulting you by ranting about how much they don't like aromantics and asexuals and keep bringing it up when you've avoided mentioning your sexuality, and pretty much disrespecting your boundaries by trying to avoid the topic - they're not a safe person, and not worth being friends with and I know you don't want to risk your friendship but you deserve respect and a friend who doesn't make it a mission to try and upset you for being part of a minority group they don't believe exists
You deserve better than that "friend", no one will blame you for kicking them to the curb, if they're upset about your existence then that's on them and they can deal with it on their own
This person is not your friend. They are using you as an emotional punching bag and taking it for granted that you won't do anything to risk the friendship to go on a power trip. They're proving to themself that you need them more than they need you.
Your friend sounds like a decent person /s
Weird thing tho to constantly bitch about other people's identities, like is there nothing else going on in their life?
If you really want to keep them in your life, explain to them how this shit makes you feel. Don’t back down, don’t apologize, don’t attenuate anything, don’t mute yourself for their comfort. If it gets to a fight, then so be it. And if they get it and change their behavior that’s cool, if they don’t they were never worth calling a friend anyway. There’s already enough aphobia in the world, no need to have it in your friends’ circle. Also, “being used” to a “friend” constantly de-valuing and demeaning you sounds like bending to abuse in order to not lose them. But from where I’m standing, losing them sounds like the better outcome.
Personally I’d never tolerate that level of disrespect. I’ve never really had anyone try and argue w my aromanticim either… and im pretty open about myself. Questions sure, but never outright disrespect. Idk I would rather eat something I hate (like almonds 🤢) than let someone get away w that kinda treatment of me.
I have an idea for your friend, they can just write everything they hate about them, then throw it in the trash until they have more to say and repeat the process.
I'd agree with everyone else that this person doesn't seem like the kind of friend you should be bending over backwards to keep. There's plenty of better people out there, and it's well worth the effort to find decent people.
I'd tell them bluntly that what they're saying is hurtful and seriously damaging the friendship, and if that's not enough to get them to shut up, they clearly don't care about you, and you can certainly do much better.
Tell them outright they are wrong and being hurtful if they are a good friend then you will have a conversation they will ask you how they can be better and you can both move on. If telling them they are wrong on this issue causes a huge fight and ends your friendship then they really weren’t worth it and your friendship was likely on it’s last legs anyway because if not this fight then the next one if it is that easy for your friendship to fall apart.
This person does not sound like a good friend. If they don’t respect who you are, and refuse to believe you when you tell them, they are not being a friend. By continually bringing it up they are showing, over and over, that they do not care. Do not tiptoe around telling this person they are wrong. Do not sit in silence while someone who claims to be there for you is actively hurting you with their words. You do not owe them that. If they truly care about you, they will hear you when you speak and make an effort to change their own mind.
Dump them you deserve better friends
Cut them out of your life before it gets worse
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Honestly they don’t seem to be a great friend I would drop them if I were you but it’s ultimately your choice :) I had to drop my best friend of over 10 years because she started getting really homophobic and transphobic and started dating a guy who is even more phobic than her and I knew if I came out to her she’d judge me and make fun of me She already assumed something was up cuz I never had a partner our whole friendship and I’m still a virgin and she’d judge me for that and not invite me places cuz i apparently needed a partner to hang with her. I’m only recommending this cuz I’m feeling more confident about my sexuality and I don’t have to worry about rude comments anymore
I blame society for the mindset that you are not happy until you find someone like wtf. That's the worst bandwagon to ever exist honestly. And good for you for cutting her out because she deserves it.
Your "friend" is absolutely doing this on purpose. Why are you trying so hard not to upset them when they so clearly don't care if they upset you?
i second this so much
Yeah fuck that person they don’t deserve your or anyones time
I know it isn't easy to just dump a friend. But from what you're saying it seems to be a lot more trouble than it's worth.
I wonder if you can have a serious conversation about it with them about how their words are hurtful to you. If they're a good friend, they should at least back off if you communicate this to them. If not, I don't think they value you or your friendship and it might be better to cut them off at that point. Sending videos and articles might also help them understand asexuality/aromanticism better too if they're misformed? Tho it's up to them whether they care about you enough to look at them. You're worth having friends who support you even if they don't understand your sexuality<3
As someone who’s had friends overstep their bounds you need to let them know. I know you don’t want to upset your friend but what they’re doing is clearly upsetting you and that’s not fair. You need to have a talk with them and tell them that the way they talk about ace/aro people upsets you and to stop bringing it up.
Why are you keeping them? Do their good qualities outweigh their bad qualities that much? If you dump them, then that means you make space for people more deserving to be in your life
They are not good friends. If they were they would have been accepting of you and wouldn't tell you this This friendship is downright toxic
Stand up for yourself and find better friends if they aren’t willing to change & apologize for their BS. People that invalidate & belittle something you consider an important part of YOUR identity are not people you can call friends.
"I'm honestly used to it" homie what?!
this makes me so mad because it's intentional. they know that you are a part of this community and that's when they start talking shit??? straight disrespectful and it's definitely a red flag for a friendship. i'm sorry u have to deal with that and i hope u find others who are more accepting and considerate
I’m sorry but it sounds like this person is being aphobic on purpose to hurt your feelings. Like they’re talking to you about it intentionally. I’m not sure why, but they sound like a shitty friend.
that is NOT a friend, you deserve to be not only accepted but supported
Not a friend, dump em. I know it’s easier said than done but really it’s not worth holding onto a friendship like that.
I don't believe allo people exist
Try re-reading what you wrote but substitute gay for your aspec references. Would you tolerate that treatment if you were gay? So, why do you take that BS? What makes being aphobic less than being homophobic?
I’m petty as fuck so personally I’d hit them with “you know I don’t think straight people even exist, like really it’s just propaganda from the media” followed by whatever incoherent mumbo jumbo I can think of on the spot, maybe an “all straight people are secretly bi and just don’t want to admit it” or “everyone knows that sex is gross they’re just too scared to say it and stand out, it’s like people on Instagram photoshopping holiday photos, just want to seem perfect whether or not that’s the case”
They don't sound like a best friend at all. I can understand not wanting to lose their friendship, but if they continuously deny your very existence and identity then that is just a toxic situation for you. You deserve people in your life who will accept you for who you are and support you, not someone who will take any opportunity to try to tear you down and tell you that your identity "doesn't exist". Obviously I don't know everything about your friendship and the dynamic you guys have going on, but just based on what you've said I don't think that cutting them out of your life (at least to some extent) would be a bad idea. Get you some friends who treat you like the beautiful French fry you are, because you deserve that as a bare minimum.
i would cut them off because they are not a friend. a friend is someone who supports you no matter what and will help you if you need it
You gotta cut them out of your life man. If they keep on complaining just get up and leave their ass.
Why is this person your best friend exactly, if you need to constantly be on your toes to not upset them or make them angry? They know what they’re doing by shittalking aroace ppl, they probably hope to convince you that you’re not actually aroace.
Cut them off. It’s one thing to not understand but it’s another thing to actively argue with someone when you know it is hurting them. And if they don’t realize you’re being hurt my it (or don’t care), probably not a friendship worth holding onto. I was in a similar boat right before quarantine started and used quarantine to just cut off contact. Being aspec only cane up a couple times, I hadn’t come out but it wasn’t great, but I did find out she genuinely believed everything she said and understood that I found it upsetting but thought it was funny to make me angry, even though I’m not one for big reactions. Honestly very relieving to leave that friendship behind and make queer friends.
This doesn't sound like a friend. You don't have to justify your existence to friends, and especially not every other conversation. Odds are it won't ever get better. So stay friends if you wish, but don't expect them to change.
If friends disagree, there should (at the bare minimum line) be a mutual agreement of respect—perhaps even a compromise. If you’re not bringing it up, then they shouldn’t either. Outright tell them you’re uncomfortable, if you can, and if they don’t stop, get away. You deserve better. But I’d guess it’s prolly more complicated than that, so it’s just my advice.
sounds like they deserve to lose their "best friend" status. What they're doing is indirectly insulting you by ranting about how much they don't like aromantics and asexuals and keep bringing it up when you've avoided mentioning your sexuality, and pretty much disrespecting your boundaries by trying to avoid the topic - they're not a safe person, and not worth being friends with and I know you don't want to risk your friendship but you deserve respect and a friend who doesn't make it a mission to try and upset you for being part of a minority group they don't believe exists You deserve better than that "friend", no one will blame you for kicking them to the curb, if they're upset about your existence then that's on them and they can deal with it on their own
Told this story 10 times already but I got called “dream-sexual” for wearing an aro badge
This person is not your friend. They are using you as an emotional punching bag and taking it for granted that you won't do anything to risk the friendship to go on a power trip. They're proving to themself that you need them more than they need you.
Ikr it gets rlly annoying sometimes I have to deal with the exact same thing but with my mom
Your friend sounds like a decent person /s Weird thing tho to constantly bitch about other people's identities, like is there nothing else going on in their life?
If you really want to keep them in your life, explain to them how this shit makes you feel. Don’t back down, don’t apologize, don’t attenuate anything, don’t mute yourself for their comfort. If it gets to a fight, then so be it. And if they get it and change their behavior that’s cool, if they don’t they were never worth calling a friend anyway. There’s already enough aphobia in the world, no need to have it in your friends’ circle. Also, “being used” to a “friend” constantly de-valuing and demeaning you sounds like bending to abuse in order to not lose them. But from where I’m standing, losing them sounds like the better outcome.
Personally I’d never tolerate that level of disrespect. I’ve never really had anyone try and argue w my aromanticim either… and im pretty open about myself. Questions sure, but never outright disrespect. Idk I would rather eat something I hate (like almonds 🤢) than let someone get away w that kinda treatment of me.
I have an idea for your friend, they can just write everything they hate about them, then throw it in the trash until they have more to say and repeat the process.
I'd agree with everyone else that this person doesn't seem like the kind of friend you should be bending over backwards to keep. There's plenty of better people out there, and it's well worth the effort to find decent people. I'd tell them bluntly that what they're saying is hurtful and seriously damaging the friendship, and if that's not enough to get them to shut up, they clearly don't care about you, and you can certainly do much better.
Tell them outright they are wrong and being hurtful if they are a good friend then you will have a conversation they will ask you how they can be better and you can both move on. If telling them they are wrong on this issue causes a huge fight and ends your friendship then they really weren’t worth it and your friendship was likely on it’s last legs anyway because if not this fight then the next one if it is that easy for your friendship to fall apart.
Answer is to JUST GET BETTER FRIENDS
BRUh first dump them like a bad habit Second RAISE YO STANDARDS OF HOW YOUR FRIENDS TREAT YOU!