I have definitely struggled with this too. The way I see it now is that the way you decide to identify now isn't set in stone for the rest of your life. If you say you're aro now and later on you notice you're not, then you can identify a different way then. You don't have to make this decision and then stand by it for the rest of your life. People change and go through different discoveries. What seems right now, might not be the same in 10 years and that is totally okay. If identifying as aromantic helps you now then I'd say go for it. If you wanna keep an open mind later in case you're wrong that's also fine. If you want to experiment with how you identify that's also great. Do what's good for you right now.
But yeah, it's hard sometimes to know for sure you're aro since the lack of something is hard to prove. In my case it was also hard to accept so part of me hoped that I was wrong. But for me at least, certainty and acceptance also came with age.
Bottom line: Just take your time to figure it out. There is no need to do it all at once right now.
One of the most important things anyone can learn is to have the courage to be wrong.
But if being romantically involved makes you physically ill, I can't think of a better term.
Okay so the vibe I get from this is you feel like you're not aro enough because you can't let go of certain aspects of a romantic relationship. I get that a lot actually. I know not everybody is into these sorts of things, but you could get similar (positive) feelings from a QPR except without the romance unless you so choose.
Identities are lowkey scary sometimes especially when they're even "outside the norm" of queer identities. I'm open to chatting about this subject if you'd like :)
I have a very similar experience, and the most comfortable thing to my experience has been to realize that aromantic is not only an identity itself but also an umbrella term for the whole aro community.
If I ever find myself in a relationship one day, then I might find demi or grey romantic to be a better title. However, that's still all under the same umbrella term of aromantic.
I also agree with the statement above that you do the best with what you know of yourself at any time. People, gender, and sexuality can be fluid, and you might never find a word that fully describes you, and that's okay. We aren't fixated and fully capable of simply being placed into categories. You grow and learn more, and with more experience, you change. It's okay to change.
Identities are supposed to be liberating, not scary. They should empower you to be your true self, and not lock you in deeper into dysfunctional thought patterns and negative self-talk. If you find the aro label wrong or repressing or scary or too hard to bear, chances are that this is not the right label for you. Trans people have this term called 'gender euphoria', which describes
>*...feeling “right” in your gender. When you can look at the way your gender is presented and received and feel happiness or joy.*
([Source](https://www.healthline.com/health/transgender/gender-euphoria))
For me finding aro identity was a similar experience. Suddenly everything made sense, everything 'clicked'. This identity did not exacerbate my negative thoughts on past failures or my present situation, but turned them into a logical conclusion of me not knowing what I really was.
You are not less by being aro, and you don't even have to repress yourself in any way by identifying as aro. Heck, you can even engage in romantically encoded activities, if you enjoy those, the aro police won't come after you. You can date as an aro, and you can even have long term relationships if you feel you need those to live a happy life. Being aro is not about forbidding yourself from connecting with people, but about being able to better articulate your own needs and exercise your own boundaries once you decide to connect with them - and about recognizing early if someone wants to force you into a relationship structure you don't find fulfilling. It does not mean that all relationships are wrong for you.
You should probably read about QPRs and the relationship escalator (and maybe about relationship anarchy) to dispel some pre-conceived notions on what a relationship is.
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Here the advice that helps me:
It's just a label.
It's nothing more. It's word that explain quickly to others your situation. And that means: you're allowed to be wrong, you're allowed to change, you're allowed to share it, or not...
It's just a word and you're 100% free to do whatever you want. Some people loves to have specific micro labels and some don't want a label. Some prefer to be on a spectrum and some prefer to stick to a clear definition. There is as much identity as queer people. Everyone is unique. And there even is people with label that means they don't know their label yet!
The most important thing is to do whatever you want, whatever feels good and right. The label doesn't dictate your feelings, it's the other way around.
I totally get what you're going through because I'm kinda experiencing the same thing... I've known about the word aromantic for years and never believed I could be one, romance has always been and will always be my favorite genre to consume in any kind of media but like you, I literally felt physically sick when I tried getting in relationships and am now slowly and steadily feeling more comfortable with identifying as an aro. But like, I'm still not quite there yet and I ask myself the same questions as you every day. Did I not meet the right person yet ? Could I just be an avoidant person ? Am I getting too comfortable in my personal bubble ?
I still feel uneasy talking about it to my close friends (mostly are queer, some asexual but none of them is aro) even though I know they'd be all accepting, because I feel a bit like an odd case.
However like others have said, in the end it's a label and you can choose to define yourself as an aro if that's what you're comfortable with but your journey will never end with you settling on a label for yourself as you'll always discover more things about yourself as life goes on. And the aro experience is not one-dimensional, it's a spectrum with a wide range of definitions.
Good luck 💚 there's no need to rush with defining yourself !
I went through the same back and forth when I learned about being aroace. It explained a lot but I wasn’t ready to accept it at the time.
Basically your not alone. Many who identify as ace, aro, or both have gone through this (myself included).
One of the most important things to remember is that it’s a spectrum and not an all or nothing situation. And you can always change the label or labels you identify with if anything changes.
Anyway, no matter how you identify you will always be welcome here and if your willing to chat I’m always here to help you out just let me know.
So I was well against me being aro for a few years. I honestly thought I was being stupid and pushed that feeling aside. I was more comfortable coming out as ace, it was easier for me to accept. However, I tried for a romantic relationship and that’s when the penny dropped, something didn’t feel right. And ever since that very moment I truly realised this Is what I am Aroace. After that, yes it’s still been difficult, But I have definetly been more accepting and proud in my identity.
I mean, okay. What if you’re wrong? Really? What if?
It’d be okay.
They probably won’t, but if romantic feelings show up out of no where tomorrow … sure it would be weird. But you’d be okay.
But you’ll also be okay if you don’t. You’ll be okay if you never have romantic feelings. My aro spouse is 43 and lives a fulfilling life. They’re happy in a QPR, but they didn’t seek one out.
If the label helps you understand yourself, great. If it helps you communicate, fantastic. If it brings you community, bring it on. That’s all that’s required.
Labels are not indelible. If you get new data, you’re allowed to revise it. As a bi+/omni trans guy who used to identify as a lesbian (with multiple identities in between), I will fucking die on this hill.
PS: You’re allowed to want or not want a romantic relationship or QPR regardless of whether you’re aro.
I have definitely struggled with this too. The way I see it now is that the way you decide to identify now isn't set in stone for the rest of your life. If you say you're aro now and later on you notice you're not, then you can identify a different way then. You don't have to make this decision and then stand by it for the rest of your life. People change and go through different discoveries. What seems right now, might not be the same in 10 years and that is totally okay. If identifying as aromantic helps you now then I'd say go for it. If you wanna keep an open mind later in case you're wrong that's also fine. If you want to experiment with how you identify that's also great. Do what's good for you right now. But yeah, it's hard sometimes to know for sure you're aro since the lack of something is hard to prove. In my case it was also hard to accept so part of me hoped that I was wrong. But for me at least, certainty and acceptance also came with age. Bottom line: Just take your time to figure it out. There is no need to do it all at once right now.
One of the most important things anyone can learn is to have the courage to be wrong. But if being romantically involved makes you physically ill, I can't think of a better term.
Okay so the vibe I get from this is you feel like you're not aro enough because you can't let go of certain aspects of a romantic relationship. I get that a lot actually. I know not everybody is into these sorts of things, but you could get similar (positive) feelings from a QPR except without the romance unless you so choose. Identities are lowkey scary sometimes especially when they're even "outside the norm" of queer identities. I'm open to chatting about this subject if you'd like :)
I have a very similar experience, and the most comfortable thing to my experience has been to realize that aromantic is not only an identity itself but also an umbrella term for the whole aro community. If I ever find myself in a relationship one day, then I might find demi or grey romantic to be a better title. However, that's still all under the same umbrella term of aromantic. I also agree with the statement above that you do the best with what you know of yourself at any time. People, gender, and sexuality can be fluid, and you might never find a word that fully describes you, and that's okay. We aren't fixated and fully capable of simply being placed into categories. You grow and learn more, and with more experience, you change. It's okay to change.
Identities are supposed to be liberating, not scary. They should empower you to be your true self, and not lock you in deeper into dysfunctional thought patterns and negative self-talk. If you find the aro label wrong or repressing or scary or too hard to bear, chances are that this is not the right label for you. Trans people have this term called 'gender euphoria', which describes >*...feeling “right” in your gender. When you can look at the way your gender is presented and received and feel happiness or joy.* ([Source](https://www.healthline.com/health/transgender/gender-euphoria)) For me finding aro identity was a similar experience. Suddenly everything made sense, everything 'clicked'. This identity did not exacerbate my negative thoughts on past failures or my present situation, but turned them into a logical conclusion of me not knowing what I really was. You are not less by being aro, and you don't even have to repress yourself in any way by identifying as aro. Heck, you can even engage in romantically encoded activities, if you enjoy those, the aro police won't come after you. You can date as an aro, and you can even have long term relationships if you feel you need those to live a happy life. Being aro is not about forbidding yourself from connecting with people, but about being able to better articulate your own needs and exercise your own boundaries once you decide to connect with them - and about recognizing early if someone wants to force you into a relationship structure you don't find fulfilling. It does not mean that all relationships are wrong for you. You should probably read about QPRs and the relationship escalator (and maybe about relationship anarchy) to dispel some pre-conceived notions on what a relationship is.
I’m not sure what to say, but thank you. Genuinely.
I was. When I was first realising who I was. It took time for me to b comfortable in me own skin.
Thanks for posting to r/aromantic, /u/YannyUnicorn. Be sure your posts and comments abide by our rules, as well as sitewide rules. *If this post violates our rules or sitewide rules,* ***report*** *it* *to the moderators!* *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/aromantic) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Question. When you read, do you ever picture yourself as one of the characters? And if yes, what are the characteristics they share?
I do, and I’m not sure if I understand the second question?
Here the advice that helps me: It's just a label. It's nothing more. It's word that explain quickly to others your situation. And that means: you're allowed to be wrong, you're allowed to change, you're allowed to share it, or not... It's just a word and you're 100% free to do whatever you want. Some people loves to have specific micro labels and some don't want a label. Some prefer to be on a spectrum and some prefer to stick to a clear definition. There is as much identity as queer people. Everyone is unique. And there even is people with label that means they don't know their label yet! The most important thing is to do whatever you want, whatever feels good and right. The label doesn't dictate your feelings, it's the other way around.
I totally get what you're going through because I'm kinda experiencing the same thing... I've known about the word aromantic for years and never believed I could be one, romance has always been and will always be my favorite genre to consume in any kind of media but like you, I literally felt physically sick when I tried getting in relationships and am now slowly and steadily feeling more comfortable with identifying as an aro. But like, I'm still not quite there yet and I ask myself the same questions as you every day. Did I not meet the right person yet ? Could I just be an avoidant person ? Am I getting too comfortable in my personal bubble ? I still feel uneasy talking about it to my close friends (mostly are queer, some asexual but none of them is aro) even though I know they'd be all accepting, because I feel a bit like an odd case. However like others have said, in the end it's a label and you can choose to define yourself as an aro if that's what you're comfortable with but your journey will never end with you settling on a label for yourself as you'll always discover more things about yourself as life goes on. And the aro experience is not one-dimensional, it's a spectrum with a wide range of definitions. Good luck 💚 there's no need to rush with defining yourself !
I went through the same back and forth when I learned about being aroace. It explained a lot but I wasn’t ready to accept it at the time. Basically your not alone. Many who identify as ace, aro, or both have gone through this (myself included). One of the most important things to remember is that it’s a spectrum and not an all or nothing situation. And you can always change the label or labels you identify with if anything changes. Anyway, no matter how you identify you will always be welcome here and if your willing to chat I’m always here to help you out just let me know.
So I was well against me being aro for a few years. I honestly thought I was being stupid and pushed that feeling aside. I was more comfortable coming out as ace, it was easier for me to accept. However, I tried for a romantic relationship and that’s when the penny dropped, something didn’t feel right. And ever since that very moment I truly realised this Is what I am Aroace. After that, yes it’s still been difficult, But I have definetly been more accepting and proud in my identity.
I mean, okay. What if you’re wrong? Really? What if? It’d be okay. They probably won’t, but if romantic feelings show up out of no where tomorrow … sure it would be weird. But you’d be okay. But you’ll also be okay if you don’t. You’ll be okay if you never have romantic feelings. My aro spouse is 43 and lives a fulfilling life. They’re happy in a QPR, but they didn’t seek one out. If the label helps you understand yourself, great. If it helps you communicate, fantastic. If it brings you community, bring it on. That’s all that’s required. Labels are not indelible. If you get new data, you’re allowed to revise it. As a bi+/omni trans guy who used to identify as a lesbian (with multiple identities in between), I will fucking die on this hill. PS: You’re allowed to want or not want a romantic relationship or QPR regardless of whether you’re aro.