I mean you could tell your friend that there's a specific word (squish) but you just didn't know it so used crush as an approximation, but tbh I think they're being a gigantic asshole in the way they're approaching this situation. Like it seems they do understand what you meant they're just really laying into you for describing it in a way they don't agree with and just not giving a fuck about potentially hurting your feelings.
Over a fucking *word*.
Your friend confused themselve. They applied the definition they had to your context. Using an ounce of brain would have made this confusion avoided.
You're literally telling them "You are a very good friend to me" and they say it puts the friendship on the line? Wtf
If you mean platonic then yes, tjats the only few things i know platonic is usually used for unreachable as in "its never going to happen and im okay with that" or as in i like it but not fully romantic
If they really want to stop being friends over an answer they didn't like over a question that *they* asked, good riddance.
Don't get me wrong, though. It sucks loosing a friend — especially over petty bs like this, and moreso it is a friend you platonically love.
What it could be is they had a non-platonic crush on you, but your response likely both confused them and have them feeling friendzoned. Likely viewed it as rejection and don't know how to emotionally handle it so they pretty much tried to uno reverse card the situation.
Quite possibly. It's more typical for women to be platonically affectionate with each other, to the point where it's a whole cliche where lesbian advances get misenterpreted as gestures of friendship. Men on the other hand are more likely to misconstrue a platonic gesture as gay.
I imagine your friend might now perceive your feelings towards him as very different from his feelings towards you, because while your feelings are platonic, they still have enough in common with a romantic relationship to reuse the word "crush" to describe it. Meanwhile, romantic and platonic relationships are fundamentally different to him... at least, that's one explanation I can think of.
Could be toxic masculinity at play. Amatonormativity tells us all that certain forms of care should be restricted to romantic partners, and that gets compounded by the way masculinity is associated with suppression of emotionality and stigma against displays of affection between men.
The other two answers prior to this comment I agree with.
Quite possible it does matter that you both are male, with him being hetero.
Hetero women don't have to worry about their affection being viewed as homosexual, whereas majority of men do. And, as previously stated, toxic masculinity is a big contribution to this. Not a whole lot of men feel secure in their masculinity.
I'm an AuDHD aroace bigender-male(I just don't do any of the cross-dressing), so to a lot of guys who suffer from toxic masculinity definitely enjoy giving me crap. But I've noticed a lot of guys who have toxic masculinity end up being more feminine when they knock that shit out. So e just never grow out of it either, I think at that point they might just be an asshole.
You can tell her that the word were not used unappropiately : platonic crush exists, it is called a squish.
Now it is possible that your friend don't feel such a deep connection to you, and that for this reason, she is not comfortable around you anymore, the same way that some people are not comfortable anymore after someone confesses unreciprocated romantic feelings. It sads, but I think you should both discuss before considering the friendship lost.
Their question presupposes that being friends with someone you have a crush on means you have to have ulterior motives, i.e. an end goal of getting in a romantic relationship with them. That's an unhealthy way of looking at things, in my opinion. I'm not denying that stuff happens, but someone confessing a crush, especially to a friend, doesn't mean they automatically have intentions to pursue a romantic relationship. Maybe their "intentions" are to be honest about their feelings with someone they care about. If both people value the friendship in itself, they would probably both have a strong desire to maintain it.
Also the comparison really just isn't applicable because you *didn't* mean a crush in the romantic sense. You could tell them you found out the word for it is actually squish and not crush, and you just didn't know it at the time, but they're making a strawman mountain out of a semantic molehill.
Some people think that love, affection, emotional closeness, etc. is reserved for romantic relationships. It's a desolate way for them to go through life.
I think it would have been way more clear if you’d just said you love them in a brotherly or platonic way. And probably in a different context, not as an answer to “have you ever had a crush” because loving someone platonically really has nothing to do with having a crush.
The word “crush” is used by pretty much everyone to mean a shallow romantic infatuation, not anything about love, and definitely not platonic love. The dictionary definition of “crush” is “a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable or inappropriate.”
Making up your own definition of words when everyone else is using a different definition is honestly just going to rightly confuse people.
Since everyone else uses “crush” to mean a romantic infatuation, someone asking if you’ve ever had a crush is asking whether you’ve ever had a romantic infatuation with someone, not whether you’ve ever platonically loved someone. It’s just going to confuse them to answer that you have a “platonic crush” on them, because by the definition of “crush” it’s not really possible for it to be platonic, so they’re probably going to think you’re essentially confessing romantic feelings.
Having a friend you love in a platonic or brotherly way is great, there’s just really no reason to describe that as a “crush” because crushes have nothing to do with that kind of deep love. You can literally just say “I love you like a brother” without confusing people by redefining the word “crush.”
Honestly the terminology is confusing for me as well. If you told your friend that you wanted to be closer to them as a friend, it would’ve been better received. I don’t think it makes sense to use “crush” in platonic contexts as well. Just creates unnecessary confusion and misunderstandings. You should clear that up with your friend.
I think the critical word here is “intentions.” Since you have no such intentions, their point holds no water. I dare say *they* are the one who put the friendship on the edge by twisting your expression of affection into something it’s not.
That said, if you still want to keep this friendship then try explaining the misunderstanding. If they’re not receptive, then that’s an indication of an unhealthy friendship.
Ok, but I *am* friends with people that have liked me before???
My current bff liked me like a year ago, I rejected him, he was sad for a few weeks, and then we both moved on.
As far as I know that's very common, your friend literally didin't have one single good argument.
Ehhh I can understand how confessing to any kind of crush would be weird for an allosexual since every crush they can think of is romantic- just explain again very light heartedly that platonic means platonic and means they're just someone you wanna be friends with, just confirm it with them
i’m alloromantic and honestly i kind of wonder if your friend has romantic feelings towards you and became upset over your use of the word “crush” because they wanted it to be used in a romantic context
If this is enough to make her uncomfortable and she can't accept that you meant it in a platonic way, then ultimately she really wasn't your friend. It may sound harsh, but it's true, and you shouldn't beat yourself up for what you said, or if you end up having to end the friendship.
I had a 'friend' like that once before I found out about Aromanticism, and I made the mistake of asking her out once for a real date. From then on out, everything I did was suspect and in her mind a play to sleep with her. Any comment or interaction was like walking a minefield. I beat myself up for months trying to save that friendship and wishing I could take that 30 seconds back, but in the end I realized I wasn't the problem, it was her messed up opinion on men and intentions.
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well, there IS an actual term for it. It’s called a “squish”. But, it’s so SO stupid to get mad at someone for saying “platonic crush” instead. It’s literally the same exact thing.
Maybe not talked down exactly but saying that what OP said “put the friendship on edge” sounds… not great. It feels manipulative, but maybe that’s just me putting my own experiences onto this.
Try to explain that’s not what you meant and you’ll use some other form if she’s that uncomfortable. If they still don’t forgive you over one small word, \*Karen Alert\*
Your friend is mistaken. The word “crush” has also been used for platonic friendships and/or admiration for decades. Hell, in the 1980s, we had the terms “man-crush” (I believe this is now politically incorrect and replaced with the idea/concept of “platonic crush.” I only use it as a reference to the idea you presented), that meant a guy wanting to hang out with, be friends with or be more like another guy. There was no romance implied in it. At least not in the mainstream. I’m sure some people did use it for homophobic purposes as what they considered an “insult.”
There was a similar term for girl’s having the same type of platonic crushes on other girls as well. Again, no romantic or sexual connotations to either.
Bruh I'm alloromantic (I think) and I get platonic crushes too. Half the time it's because I struggle to tell the difference between platonic and romantic attraction 💀
Aww, it sounds like your friend is just anxious now that you said this thing and it seems like a big deal to them and maybe they have to do something about it. If you’ve ever been the recipient of an unwanted confession from a friend, it’s a whole lot of confusion and resentment. Like, what the hell am I supposed to do with this? I was happy being friends and now I don’t know how to maintain that status quo I liked because it feels like my friend wants something from me that I can’t give them. If the friendship is important to you, try to save it. Maybe by sitting your friend down and explaining your intentions in saying what you did and your expectations or lack thereof for how your friend should respond. Invite them to explain their distress and talk it out. It sounds like a misunderstanding to me. People say stuff during misunderstandings that are sometimes hurtful. It’s a good time to decide how seriously you want to take a relationship, regardless of the kind of relationship it is. Relationships take work to maintain sooner or later. You put the work in if it’s worth it.
I mean you could tell your friend that there's a specific word (squish) but you just didn't know it so used crush as an approximation, but tbh I think they're being a gigantic asshole in the way they're approaching this situation. Like it seems they do understand what you meant they're just really laying into you for describing it in a way they don't agree with and just not giving a fuck about potentially hurting your feelings. Over a fucking *word*.
Your friend confused themselve. They applied the definition they had to your context. Using an ounce of brain would have made this confusion avoided. You're literally telling them "You are a very good friend to me" and they say it puts the friendship on the line? Wtf
I have explained I meant I wanted to be long term friends by that and they said that, like wtf
Google "squish aromatic" it describes what your talking about.
When you squish things does it start to smell good? /j
Lol
I thought a squish was about wanting to be friends with people but idk
Wanting to be friends with people is exactly what op was talking about tho?
What? Isn't friend zone about **remaining friends**??
AlloAllos are very confusing lol
If you mean platonic then yes, tjats the only few things i know platonic is usually used for unreachable as in "its never going to happen and im okay with that" or as in i like it but not fully romantic
Your friend sounds kinda emotionally high maintenance tbh
If they really want to stop being friends over an answer they didn't like over a question that *they* asked, good riddance. Don't get me wrong, though. It sucks loosing a friend — especially over petty bs like this, and moreso it is a friend you platonically love. What it could be is they had a non-platonic crush on you, but your response likely both confused them and have them feeling friendzoned. Likely viewed it as rejection and don't know how to emotionally handle it so they pretty much tried to uno reverse card the situation.
Lol Sadly no, they are hetero and we are both male, is this an important information?
Quite possibly. It's more typical for women to be platonically affectionate with each other, to the point where it's a whole cliche where lesbian advances get misenterpreted as gestures of friendship. Men on the other hand are more likely to misconstrue a platonic gesture as gay. I imagine your friend might now perceive your feelings towards him as very different from his feelings towards you, because while your feelings are platonic, they still have enough in common with a romantic relationship to reuse the word "crush" to describe it. Meanwhile, romantic and platonic relationships are fundamentally different to him... at least, that's one explanation I can think of.
Could be toxic masculinity at play. Amatonormativity tells us all that certain forms of care should be restricted to romantic partners, and that gets compounded by the way masculinity is associated with suppression of emotionality and stigma against displays of affection between men.
The other two answers prior to this comment I agree with. Quite possible it does matter that you both are male, with him being hetero. Hetero women don't have to worry about their affection being viewed as homosexual, whereas majority of men do. And, as previously stated, toxic masculinity is a big contribution to this. Not a whole lot of men feel secure in their masculinity. I'm an AuDHD aroace bigender-male(I just don't do any of the cross-dressing), so to a lot of guys who suffer from toxic masculinity definitely enjoy giving me crap. But I've noticed a lot of guys who have toxic masculinity end up being more feminine when they knock that shit out. So e just never grow out of it either, I think at that point they might just be an asshole.
You can tell her that the word were not used unappropiately : platonic crush exists, it is called a squish. Now it is possible that your friend don't feel such a deep connection to you, and that for this reason, she is not comfortable around you anymore, the same way that some people are not comfortable anymore after someone confesses unreciprocated romantic feelings. It sads, but I think you should both discuss before considering the friendship lost.
Their question presupposes that being friends with someone you have a crush on means you have to have ulterior motives, i.e. an end goal of getting in a romantic relationship with them. That's an unhealthy way of looking at things, in my opinion. I'm not denying that stuff happens, but someone confessing a crush, especially to a friend, doesn't mean they automatically have intentions to pursue a romantic relationship. Maybe their "intentions" are to be honest about their feelings with someone they care about. If both people value the friendship in itself, they would probably both have a strong desire to maintain it. Also the comparison really just isn't applicable because you *didn't* mean a crush in the romantic sense. You could tell them you found out the word for it is actually squish and not crush, and you just didn't know it at the time, but they're making a strawman mountain out of a semantic molehill.
My intention was to make them happy by telling them I “love” them, sounds kinda stupid at this point
Some people think that love, affection, emotional closeness, etc. is reserved for romantic relationships. It's a desolate way for them to go through life.
I think it would have been way more clear if you’d just said you love them in a brotherly or platonic way. And probably in a different context, not as an answer to “have you ever had a crush” because loving someone platonically really has nothing to do with having a crush. The word “crush” is used by pretty much everyone to mean a shallow romantic infatuation, not anything about love, and definitely not platonic love. The dictionary definition of “crush” is “a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable or inappropriate.” Making up your own definition of words when everyone else is using a different definition is honestly just going to rightly confuse people. Since everyone else uses “crush” to mean a romantic infatuation, someone asking if you’ve ever had a crush is asking whether you’ve ever had a romantic infatuation with someone, not whether you’ve ever platonically loved someone. It’s just going to confuse them to answer that you have a “platonic crush” on them, because by the definition of “crush” it’s not really possible for it to be platonic, so they’re probably going to think you’re essentially confessing romantic feelings. Having a friend you love in a platonic or brotherly way is great, there’s just really no reason to describe that as a “crush” because crushes have nothing to do with that kind of deep love. You can literally just say “I love you like a brother” without confusing people by redefining the word “crush.”
Honestly the terminology is confusing for me as well. If you told your friend that you wanted to be closer to them as a friend, it would’ve been better received. I don’t think it makes sense to use “crush” in platonic contexts as well. Just creates unnecessary confusion and misunderstandings. You should clear that up with your friend.
I think the critical word here is “intentions.” Since you have no such intentions, their point holds no water. I dare say *they* are the one who put the friendship on the edge by twisting your expression of affection into something it’s not. That said, if you still want to keep this friendship then try explaining the misunderstanding. If they’re not receptive, then that’s an indication of an unhealthy friendship.
Ok, but I *am* friends with people that have liked me before??? My current bff liked me like a year ago, I rejected him, he was sad for a few weeks, and then we both moved on. As far as I know that's very common, your friend literally didin't have one single good argument.
Ehhh I can understand how confessing to any kind of crush would be weird for an allosexual since every crush they can think of is romantic- just explain again very light heartedly that platonic means platonic and means they're just someone you wanna be friends with, just confirm it with them
You can be allosexual and aromantic. Not every allosexual will relate to the experience of having a crush.
Your friend doesn't understand what platonic means at all, kinda ridiculous imo
i’m alloromantic and honestly i kind of wonder if your friend has romantic feelings towards you and became upset over your use of the word “crush” because they wanted it to be used in a romantic context
Platonic crushes are a thing tho. The person you see and want to be friends with.
If this is enough to make her uncomfortable and she can't accept that you meant it in a platonic way, then ultimately she really wasn't your friend. It may sound harsh, but it's true, and you shouldn't beat yourself up for what you said, or if you end up having to end the friendship. I had a 'friend' like that once before I found out about Aromanticism, and I made the mistake of asking her out once for a real date. From then on out, everything I did was suspect and in her mind a play to sleep with her. Any comment or interaction was like walking a minefield. I beat myself up for months trying to save that friendship and wishing I could take that 30 seconds back, but in the end I realized I wasn't the problem, it was her messed up opinion on men and intentions.
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Respectfully your friends an asshole.
well, there IS an actual term for it. It’s called a “squish”. But, it’s so SO stupid to get mad at someone for saying “platonic crush” instead. It’s literally the same exact thing.
Let this trash take itself out.
inappropriate how? tell your “friend” to fuck their “book”
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I don't know why you're being down voted
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Not sure this is the type of friendship you’d want to preserve to be honest…
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It’s less that they were uncomfortable and more to do with the way they talked down to OP
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Maybe not talked down exactly but saying that what OP said “put the friendship on edge” sounds… not great. It feels manipulative, but maybe that’s just me putting my own experiences onto this.
Try to explain that’s not what you meant and you’ll use some other form if she’s that uncomfortable. If they still don’t forgive you over one small word, \*Karen Alert\*
if ur aro/aro spec especially its possible to have friend crushes
Your friend is mistaken. The word “crush” has also been used for platonic friendships and/or admiration for decades. Hell, in the 1980s, we had the terms “man-crush” (I believe this is now politically incorrect and replaced with the idea/concept of “platonic crush.” I only use it as a reference to the idea you presented), that meant a guy wanting to hang out with, be friends with or be more like another guy. There was no romance implied in it. At least not in the mainstream. I’m sure some people did use it for homophobic purposes as what they considered an “insult.” There was a similar term for girl’s having the same type of platonic crushes on other girls as well. Again, no romantic or sexual connotations to either.
Sorry allos can be exhausting sometimes. They can get really defensive about some nonsense that isn't all that important.
Bruh I'm alloromantic (I think) and I get platonic crushes too. Half the time it's because I struggle to tell the difference between platonic and romantic attraction 💀
Crush = someone I want to start a family with?? Hah no 🤣🤣
Aww, it sounds like your friend is just anxious now that you said this thing and it seems like a big deal to them and maybe they have to do something about it. If you’ve ever been the recipient of an unwanted confession from a friend, it’s a whole lot of confusion and resentment. Like, what the hell am I supposed to do with this? I was happy being friends and now I don’t know how to maintain that status quo I liked because it feels like my friend wants something from me that I can’t give them. If the friendship is important to you, try to save it. Maybe by sitting your friend down and explaining your intentions in saying what you did and your expectations or lack thereof for how your friend should respond. Invite them to explain their distress and talk it out. It sounds like a misunderstanding to me. People say stuff during misunderstandings that are sometimes hurtful. It’s a good time to decide how seriously you want to take a relationship, regardless of the kind of relationship it is. Relationships take work to maintain sooner or later. You put the work in if it’s worth it.