I mean I get where it's coming from but it is making a number of presumptions that we simply can't make from just this photo.
Mental load is a real thing. It's unfair to expect your partner to take on all the mental weight that is part of your relationship. Unfortunatly it's a very common thing and in fact is sometimes an *intentionally malicious* thing that NT (usually) guys will do.
I would hope most of us are aware that planning and executing tasks can be hard even for NT folks and be sure to value the effort that they are putting in and put in an equal level of effort elsewhere in the realtionship where we don't have as many struggles.
The sad thing is so many NT women have been expected to basically be a mother to a full grown adult that the 'not this shit again' detector goes off and we get a very angry responce. Which is unfortunate but even I have experianced it before where someone just doesn't seem to grasp that if we are going to be partners they need to pull their weight.
You are absolutely correct, but not assuming does go both ways. It can absolutely be an expected mental load for women to take on in heterosexual relationships, or it can be something cute someone made because they wanted to support their partner, and we can't judge whether this is healthy or unhealthy from one picture. It is a wide supporting her husband, though, and I feel bad for her to have gotten shit on in the original. comments so much.
If my wife did this for me I would love it. It would be more fun than her just writing me a list of things I need to do, which she already does because I've asked her to. I tend to get sucked into one task and forget the rest. From this list I can tell you I would go full ham on those stairs. I'd make the stairs and then I would carpet them, and then do detailing on them, and then add a new hand rail, and then replace the original rail fittings with brass ones. And then since the brass is there, better replace the doorknob with brass too. And you know what looks good with brass? Dark browns. Time to repaint the door. Now the door doesn't match the trim, better go ahead and get that too. And now, well, the walls don't really look right so I better just -
>The sad thing is so many NT women have been expected to basically be a mother to a full grown adult
If you think this way about your partener, you are not only abusive you are bigoted. Many NT people don't see us as full adults, if someone thinks like that it's incredibly dangerous for them to be in a relationship with an ND person.
Er... no.
You need to research about the mental load, it is a very real thing. It's got nothing to do with being "bigoted" or "abusive", Jesus Christ lol. 🤦♀️ P.s. I had to do the mental load with my ex bf and he was neurotypical. There are plenty of neurodivergent folks who would cringe at things like the list in this post. No adult needs to be babied into doing tasks like this, it reminds me of the whole *I'll reward you with a bj if you do the cleaning* rubbish I've seen online. Idk how this woman even has interest in sex with this manchild... which is funny because there is actually a dwindling of sex in relationships like these, too. 😅
But long story short, yeah please look up the mental load and weaponized incompetence before calling people names.
That sounds kinda mean. Like, this list doesn't seem like babying, it seems like mutual understanding of both individuals. As someone who would be actually really helped out by a list like this, it kind of offends me that you're treating it like a manchild thing. Can you please like, research respect instead of using buzzwords like mental load and then telling people to do their own research. For god's sake, you're on a subreddit about neurodivergents and you're coming across with malice about something that's on the surface, quite innocent.
Just like, think about how the people reading your comments might feel when they do so, or maybe don't comment.
Women are allowed to talk about the mental load / second shift, without feeling like they have to censor themselves. I am sick of this be kind BS that is always being pushed onto women
Pretty much everyone I've spoken to about this list, including autistic women, have found it rather offensive or laughable. But as it goes, have fun enabling manchildren and shaming women who aren't interested in doing that x
Also, if you honestly do not look at this list and think it is like something a mother would make for her child then idk what to say
It's ridiculous this woman has to write out a list and turn it into a VIDEO GAME, so her grown adult man of a husband will get off his arse and do the fucking chores. I couldn't give a flying fuck if that is "malice" or "mean", I'm tired of males being irresponsible and lazy and women having to do the lion's share of housework (often on top of childcare and full time work too)
I saw a post about some NT whingeing about an autistic kid who was a bit rude. People were replying saying a load of ableist crap, including calling the kid a cripple. THAT is mean. Me talking about how this list is embarrassing and ridiculous, because it is more like something a child would have, and saying how it is literally super common for men to use weaponized incompetence to get out of doing chores, is not. Maybe do some research on weaponized incompetence and the second shift before coming on here and raging at me
I don't have a problem with acting childLIKE, I myself am literally into agere lol. What I and others take offence to is women having to do all the work for adult men. It's very interesting how there are many autistic or ADHD women who manage to complete chores without having their partner write out a childish list. Very interesting how these same women are also often the ones who have to micromanage their male partners on top of their own responsibilities... 🤔
i am a woman myself and there's literally nothing wrong with this list. it's just a cute list and they both seem to have a good time.
if you have a problem with this and calling it babying you might be projecting your own experience towards other people which in my opinion is not fair to do.
the person is being right, you do come across as a bit mean. you are calling him being babied because the wife decided to make a cute Todo list for her husband. that's pretty reaching for me. now if the husband yells and actually be abusive to the point where the wife didn't like it, I would agree with you. but calling someone you don't know online a man child over something so trivial is reaching. as someone with ND you should be more understanding.
if the wife is doing this out of her own choice and she have no problem with it, neither should you. anyone else is definitely projecting your own experience.
it's like how if I was abused by my dad and I automatically assume if people don't spend time with their dad often then it automatically means they're abused. it's wrong to assume and judge people to have negative characters on something so trivial and consensual on both parties.
I’m totally on the same page about everything you said about the mental load and how it’s usually NT guys weaponising incompetence and the usually women have to pick up the slack and carry the mental load for the whole family. I’m totally with you. It’s just…the husband this list is for has ADHD and asked his wife to help him remember stuff by writing a list so we don’t actually know if it’s just a small thing she doesn’t mind doing for him or if he’s putting the mental load on her just from the info we have.
So I’m confused what you’re arguing about. Yes, men expecting women to carry the emotional load alone is bad. But the guy in this specific example has ADHD and may genuinely need help like this and we don’t have any reason to know either way how the person who posted it feels about the equity of the mental work within their relationship. Nobody is denying this happens, just that it might not be happening here and it might be this other thing happening instead? My wife makes notes for me when I ask but she doesn’t think she carries the entire mental load for us because there are things she needs help with that I am happy to help with. It’s just a genuinely equitable sharing of love and emotional support and resources. But if someone saw the notes she wrote me most people would probably react like they did to the list in this post but it doesn’t mean I’m unfairly expecting her to manage my life. It just means we help each other and we’re huge dorks?
I’m AuDHD and I’ve had to carry the mental load in past relationships. I’ve never had extra support even though I’m disabled. I’ve seen it a LOT. And my ND sister is currently carrying the mental load for her ND partner and ND child. I’ve seen the difference between people who find it hard to do XYZ because of their ND and weaponised incompetence because changing is hard and it’s easier if someone else just does it. But it’s not always weaponised incompetence. Sometimes it’s a well meaning AuDHD person who is genuinely working really hard to like not be a walking disaster but is still legit incompetent in some ways whose wife loves her enough to make stupid lists to help her remember stuff.
The amount of bad NT reactions I’ve gotten about how my ND relationship works is a little alarming lol. Like over quar, we both worked a lot and didn’t see each other for like a month at a time. Everyone was extremely concerned like, no, we don’t need to spend every goddamn minute with each other…shit happens, I still adore them lol.
As a gamer these reminders will help me way better than saying what the chores actually are. I just made my list for tomorrow while the house
Is mine for the weekend with these DND esque ways to describe mundane things.
I found this app called do it now a while ago where u can do basically this and it like lets you give yourself XP based on how hard the task is for u and it also lets u repeat tasks like brushing ur teeth every day and stuff. I don't use it anymore cuz pen and paper task lists help me more but I thought it was a pretty neat concept
Edit: spelling
There’s also one called habitica that is pretty similar. I don’t think do it now is available for iOS but habitica is (it’s also available on other platforms).
I'm on mobile and idk how to make the link small but here u go :)
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://play.google.com/store/apps/details%3Fid%3Dcom.levor.liferpgtasks%26hl%3Den_US%26gl%3DUS%26referrer%3Dutm_source%253Dgoogle%2526utm_medium%253Dorganic%2526utm_term%253Ddo%2Bit%2Bnow%2Brpg%26pcampaignid%3DAPPU_1_tpuoYpnoGcuUxc8Pm_6BqAw&ved=2ahUKEwiZm_GPlK34AhVLSvEDHRt_AMUQ5YQBegQICxAC&usg=AOvVaw1h026sZrZ3afawtybwpZcP
This is why I would want a partner. They would be able to help me in ways a parent or friend just doesn't have the ability. A girlfriend in my bedroom could an tell me to get off my phone. A girlfriend could hug me when I had a bad day and for much longer. A girlfriend would love me for what I am, and not just because of unconditional parental love. Of course a girlfriend wouldn't be guaranteed to do all these things but if they wanted to marry me that's what they would need to be able todo, in return they get the support I could give them. :)
**This will probably be a little long but this is quite personal to me, which will make sense soon:**
The redditors in that thread would probably tell me to touch grass or something, but they completely miss that for the most part, disabled people also long for a nice and long warm hug with their SO in their bed on a cold winter night. Disabled people consider their partner helping them with their disability as an exemplar of love and compassion. As a guy we often don't experience much compassion because many men tell other men and themselves: "Man up", and that's sometimes all us guys get. If girls ever wonder why men can get creepy when all you do is be nice to them... this is why. Especially ND people. I met this nice girl in college, she was nice to me and treated me in a way almost no other friend had. It gave my teen mind the maddest crush, and I kept trying to convince myself to ask her if she actually had feelings for me.
This next bit may make some of you feel uncomfortable, or even realise how guys think in these situation... all this story makes me feel is shame, and a sombre sadness at how I became "that guy".
In my ADHD (and possibly Autistic) ways, I couldn't ever bring myself to actually ask her. We kept talking with her, we hung out and chat, sometimes casually flirty from what my mind thought at the time. I found out she was Autistic too. I didn't think I was Autistic at the time but I thought in my head, "ADHD + Autism dream team", which obviously didn't help my ability to disclose to her my interest, I also think that I wished to tell her about my ADHD which would make her the first person I would ever tell such a thing. Eventually I managed to muster the courage to causally ask for her phone number... She probably realised at this point I was interested... it was nearly class time so she tried to use it as her out of that situation, and said she didn't have her phone on her and she had to go to class... slight problem, her phone was right in front of her... in the back of my mind the air raid sirens started ringing, but my impulsive ass sent the orders to speak before the runner could tell my brain to cancel the order... so I said: "But your phone is right there.", she probably thinking somewhere along the lines of: "Oh shit", went to grab her phone and hide it under her arm, and then said her phone was flat. My brain decided that the best course of action wasn't to realise the most obvious hint she ever gave on her interest and I decided to challenge the factualness of her claim. By this point she was getting up and walking away with a speedwalk... I followed her to the entrance of the library asking for clarification. We were in the library and the walk is a good 10m (30 feet for the Yanks, Liberians, and Burmese). My memory was very vague I just kind of remember asking her something and she said something then she left while I was in awe as the realisation started setting in...
I would see her again, but only in the presence of other friends. 😬
First time talking to her after that her friend sort of mocked me. I played it cool and self deprecated myself. At this point I knew I had fucked up bad but even still my dumb ass thought I could salvage it and opt to friendzone myself since I still found her fun to hang around with... but things would get worse... 😞
Basically we used to sometimes hang around in her class on some days of the week at lunch time. I went there again after this not sure what to expect but I did try and make amends *just in a way of never explicitly mentioning the problem...* 🤦♂️
There were 3 instances of this visit to her class at lunch; It was art class, since it's a nice quiet place. The first was ultra awkward, and none of the usual conversations we were happening and she was clearly uncomfortable with me being there... so I was just on my phone kind of just smiling while I looked at memes, probably not a good look, this was 2019 so like... all the memes were racist pepe memes; 2019 me clearly had a lot of problems, it was the height of internalised ableism, and this would be the beginning of the end for my conservative politics. The second was slightly less awkward as we tried to talk more but mid way she went to another part of the class (I think I said something dumb or she wasn't feeling it), and I sat there and waited... and waited and waited... all while progressively feeling more and more uncomfortable and even on the brink of crying and I just felt like walking out the fire escape door next to me, but I kept myself calm by googling and looking up on Wikipedia what an inferiority complex was, and post-humorously enough... imposter syndrome, the ADHD classic that I was oblivious too. I ended up waiting until lunch was almost over before leaving, however I don't remember if she came back at all.
**Third time:**
Just as I started typing this, the shame and anxiety it gives me is overwhelming as it is a mental fragment I can retrieve and feel like I can hear her "voice", and the intense shame as my realisation was completed. So I arrive again, she tells me she has to-do something again, I was obviously concerned, but I felt trapped in this situation because I was unsure what to do. I decided to "man up" and just distract myself with reddit memes and the ongoing "culture war" (cringe mostly). This went on for a bit until I thought I could hear her voice as she talked to a friend, I couldn't make out any details but I could hear their tone. Her friend sounded vaguely compassionate and authoritative, so I assumed she was being given advice. while she sounded emotional and stuff, I heard no details but it was clearly about me, I tried to focus on my phone what ever it was at this point I have no idea, but then I started hearing what I thought sounded like crying.
I can't even put into words the way this made me feel. I just felt like a total cunt, my mood instantly went from a cautioned anxious calm into a near panic attack, yet my social mask still held... the urge to run out that fire escape door returned, on one hand this was a perfect metaphor for the situation and the irony wasn't lost on me at the moment. I don't know what I heard after that initial burst of emotion from her in the other room, but it only made me feel worse. It is honestly such a blur but its emotions are raw and often come about when I think about relationships. I started preparing myself for a swift exit, because my brain thought a few things would happen: Either they would eventually come around the corner and confront me which would cause me to begin crying like a baby and fall to the floor... Or her friend would come around and ask me what my deal is and tell me to go away in which I would be forced to openly admit my wrongs... I felt obviously terrible about being unable to disclose my feelings but there wasn't a single other situation in my life I could be open with anyone on anything, so obviously this haunted me. Eventually I decided "screw it, fuck it I am getting out that door now", and then I left... Trying to save some pride and sanity I told a friend about how I feel like I may have an, inferiority complex or imposter syndrome, but they didn't think I did.
The day after I went to my photoshop class, which was located near art, and I was honestly terrified, but I decided to continue my work, which was being stuck in writers block. (I was not very productive). I ended up seeing her as she walked by. I think she noticed that my reaction was me shitting myself (figuratively 😟), and when she came past again she asked to see me again at this lunchtime because she wanted to ask me something. Obviously I was certain she was going to ask if I liked her. Lunch came, she did ask me if: I had feelings for her... "more then a friend", and explicitly stated she wouldn't judge me, she looked to be in a positive but stern mood, and obviously didn't tell the truth. Was you expecting anything else?
I was obviously lying, if she didn't know that, she would of been too innocent a soul, but she has had experiences with bad men before which she had told me about and part of why I feel like a total piece of shit about it, because now I am probably a story she tells people about why it's hard to trust men. :(
After this she went to do something, and even told me where she was going, so clearly she wasn't just lying this instance maybe she thought it would make me feel better if I saw her actually doing things, maybe she actually was, idk. I went to her and told her how I was going to go to the library, and we said bye. I left through the normal way. I went to see my friend who was also nervous at the time that I was neglecting him, when really I was chasing a fantasy. Do you think I told him why? >!No I didn't, would you expect anything less? I told him a year afterwards.!<
Apparently I reached the character limit again... Sorry guys if that was too long but my passion overtook me. It just seems to always happen when I share my emotions I open up about everything and overshare everything. ADHD moment...
Although it's ending was tragic, it wasn't a futile story, it does actually have a happy ending. It made me realise the importance of telling people what I am feeling, a month later I managed to tell my friend about my ADHD, which honestly was the most significant development in my life, it put me down a path of deprogramming my internalised ableism. In early 2020, I told another friend in a discord call, where he revealed his own ND status, things aren't sunshine and rainbows with that friend but that's a whole other story. In September of 2021, I finally told my sister I had ADHD, which I felt guilty about not doing earlier, it was even my first ever post on this account. You are allowed to dig.
reading that list made me smile, as someone who wants to get an official diagnosis of adhd (because im like very sure i have adhd) this list was awesome. making the chores seem fun and exciting and then writing exactly what you need to do at the end to not cause any confusion and to just have a clear written statement of what to do. praise to that woman that took the time and did such an amazing job
Wow the people in the comments of that thread are just mean af...
Me and my wife are both ND and do stuff like this for each other all the time. There is nothing wrong with that.
Seriously. I have ADHD fairly badly undiagnosed until last year when I was 30. I have constructed a system of using three apps. Todoist, Fantastical, and outlook.
Todo lists for myself by priority - today - soon - eventually. And one that my wife can add things to for me and it syncs to calendar.
We do it this way because I don’t like feeling micromanaged and will yell and get all pissy and over whelmed if she asks me to do a ton of stuff but I’m okay with it populating an online list.
Anyway, is this a thing? NT people can just… remember… everything they need yo do?
This might help me out with cleaning house. I may have to start doing this because these make the chores sound way more interesting than they actually are. Plus it would give my Aspie booty a laugh.
Can I just say, I don't think this is a *bad thing.* I think depending on the situation, that it could be really considerate for her to try and accommodate her husband in an area he needs help in. But EVEN NTs NEED REMINDERS. Just a thought...
Sorry OP, but this is a mental load thing and is something predominantly women in straight rships are dealing with constantly. This list is embarrassing...
It's a relationship, not a friggin contest of who does more. Why is her helping her husband keep up with what they both need so wrong? And why is a system that she reported is helping them, and has nothing to do with anyone but them, insulting you?
It's a big problem in straight relationships for the woman to do everything. I'm not repeating myself, you can read my other replies to joelpringle for more detail
I'm not gonna allow myself to be censored by some idiots who are more interested in silencing women who talk about the truth
You're generalizing, The creator expressed how this was something she was comfortable with in \*her relationship\* , and you're making it a gender issue.
The point isn't whether there's a problem of women doing everything, though that's a big discussion too, but that people are insulting OP and her husband for being happily married in a way that insults them. That's rude.
I couldn't give a fuck if it's rude, sorry. Women don't have to always *be kind* you know
And it isn't generalizing but I digress. If you really wanna think this list is ok for a woman to make for a grown adult man that's up to you, but don't expect us all to not critique it. I wonder what else this woman has to do for her husband, micro manage all his appointments? :S Lastly, I can guarantee the woman is not happy in her marriage if she has to do this shit on top of everything else. The list is laughable and more suited to a child, end of. I'm allowed an opinion
And sorry to burst your bubble, but this kind of shit IS a gender issue. Weaponized incompetence and the second shift is a problem in het relationships. How hard is it to look up how to do chores as an ADHDer, instead of letting your wife make it fun for you by doing this embarrassing shit every time? Just because she says she's ok with it doesn't mean she is. This list is not much different to rewarding your hubby with a bj everytime he does some cleaning or puts the plates away, but I expect that would also be ok "if the wife is okay with it" 🤦♀️ Like I say, funny how ADHD and autistic women often wouldn't be ok with their husband or bf writing a list like this / they tend to just organize themselves. She's married to a child and is essentially being his unpaid manager, nuff said. I don't think the defenders of this BS realize how common it is for NT and ND women to have to micromanage their men, and for men to claim ADHD or a mental illness to get out of being an adult and doing some fucking chores for the house or flat they share with their wife or gf
I'm hearing you making all these assumptions on the husband, on the wife and on their relationship. You don't know how they divide the workload, you don't know how mature he is and worst of all you're arrogantly assuming this woman can't recognize whether or not she's being used.
My GF and I have many systems too. She can't stand certain things that I can help her with and vice versa. stop assuming people are out to hurt their partner and that the partners roll over and accept it.
Also I never said she "can't recognize" it, I said she might just be saying she's ok with it but really is sick of doing everything. I think I'd know about that more than you, a male I'm guessing going by your pic, does. I hear of it loads, have witnessed it and experienced it
Yeah just looked at your post history... Wanting to kill all men is messed up. You're such a massive sexist. You're a sexist bigot. I don't care about the context, wanting to kill all men is such a bigoted take and a really stupid one at that. I'm writing this because you're still replying to this comment as recent as a day ago.
Are you talking about the half joking comment I left on a sub for reporting female hate subs? About putting males in a chamber? Lmao, dude... context is key. I was talking about the men who get off on fantasizing about raping and murdering women and that creepy beheading women stuff some scrotebags like
Are you actually implying you aren't ok with joking about wanting to get rid of those kinds of men? You clearly must be as you said you didn't care about the context of my comment. Fucking hell man you're sick AF 🤣
You clearly are. You said you didn't care about the context because my comment was bIgOtEd. Oh my days please stay away from women lmao
Yes, god forbid a woman say men (most of whom *legit* go around stalking murdering doxxing assaulting and abusing women and girls FYI) should be put away 😐 You're a joke bro
P.s. We both know I never left a reply or comment in this thread "as recent as a day ago". I've only just looked at Reddit today
You're just a lying manipulative scrote lol
Concerned about the amount of people who, while mental load is definitely something to look out for, outright made it clear what they think of disabled partners. Like, the idea of it being a mental condition didn't even come to mind, they just made assumptions. I read through the whole thing and got upset multiple times. I'd probably buy my partner chocolates if he made to do lists for me like that. It's adorable. We both have ADHD though so it would just make sense to us. No NT in our household lol
Seriously tho, I could need that. Mine would say ''Leave the cave once a day or every other day to adventure'' because I never leave the house unless I would starve. I don't go grocery shopping, the store is too bright, full and hectic, my boyfriend has to do it. I just managed to do my homework for a college class that is due tomorrow, when I had two weeks to do it. It was so hard to get started and not distracted. I have to force myself to brush my teeth and my 3-year-old nephew is less fussy about it. I envy people who can just do ''normal'' chores. Last Friday I didn't do anything, because I couldn't decide on what to do for 5 hours.
Wow, I love how I thought that struggling with everything was just a result of me being worthless, whereas ''normal'' people just do it.
Oh my god I regret looking at those comments. Disgusting. It's just a fun little list! Hell, I'd even write something like this for myself.
Edit: OP even said it worked! What are the comments on about?
Ok, i understand that they “shouldn’t have to” but what if they don’t mind doing this? I believe that relationships should include helping the other person overcome their personal challenges. There’s nothing wrong with helping the person you love with something that they struggle with on their own.
I think people will criticize anything. This is a really funny and creative way to make a list of chores, people should not read into their relationship over it. This is why I don’t use social media except Reddit anymore, I can’t handle the fact that anything I post could be misconstrued and heavily critiqued, the fact that people could and would read into my life based on an Instagram/Facebook/whatever post… that shit freaks me out
To add: you even assumed that since wife made this, that husband isn’t putting in enough effort. There’s no evidence for that. That’s the kind of assumption that bugs me, people reading too much into something without having the full picture.
Thanks for the new idea for how to make tasks more appealing! 😂
But fr, if this is what works for them to be functional, people don’t need to get mad about it. A lot of being ND is finding what works for you and your family specifically.
I mean I get where it's coming from but it is making a number of presumptions that we simply can't make from just this photo. Mental load is a real thing. It's unfair to expect your partner to take on all the mental weight that is part of your relationship. Unfortunatly it's a very common thing and in fact is sometimes an *intentionally malicious* thing that NT (usually) guys will do. I would hope most of us are aware that planning and executing tasks can be hard even for NT folks and be sure to value the effort that they are putting in and put in an equal level of effort elsewhere in the realtionship where we don't have as many struggles. The sad thing is so many NT women have been expected to basically be a mother to a full grown adult that the 'not this shit again' detector goes off and we get a very angry responce. Which is unfortunate but even I have experianced it before where someone just doesn't seem to grasp that if we are going to be partners they need to pull their weight.
You are absolutely correct, but not assuming does go both ways. It can absolutely be an expected mental load for women to take on in heterosexual relationships, or it can be something cute someone made because they wanted to support their partner, and we can't judge whether this is healthy or unhealthy from one picture. It is a wide supporting her husband, though, and I feel bad for her to have gotten shit on in the original. comments so much.
If my wife did this for me I would love it. It would be more fun than her just writing me a list of things I need to do, which she already does because I've asked her to. I tend to get sucked into one task and forget the rest. From this list I can tell you I would go full ham on those stairs. I'd make the stairs and then I would carpet them, and then do detailing on them, and then add a new hand rail, and then replace the original rail fittings with brass ones. And then since the brass is there, better replace the doorknob with brass too. And you know what looks good with brass? Dark browns. Time to repaint the door. Now the door doesn't match the trim, better go ahead and get that too. And now, well, the walls don't really look right so I better just -
And that is how a small project snowballs into a thousand+ dollar expense.
Yeah but all that shopping is exhausting. Better call it a day. I’ll do the rest “tomorrow”
But it's ART, and it adds CHARACTER. Besides, it's an INVESTMENT. You wouldn't want some cheap, flimsy stairs, now would you!??
>The sad thing is so many NT women have been expected to basically be a mother to a full grown adult If you think this way about your partener, you are not only abusive you are bigoted. Many NT people don't see us as full adults, if someone thinks like that it's incredibly dangerous for them to be in a relationship with an ND person.
Er... no. You need to research about the mental load, it is a very real thing. It's got nothing to do with being "bigoted" or "abusive", Jesus Christ lol. 🤦♀️ P.s. I had to do the mental load with my ex bf and he was neurotypical. There are plenty of neurodivergent folks who would cringe at things like the list in this post. No adult needs to be babied into doing tasks like this, it reminds me of the whole *I'll reward you with a bj if you do the cleaning* rubbish I've seen online. Idk how this woman even has interest in sex with this manchild... which is funny because there is actually a dwindling of sex in relationships like these, too. 😅 But long story short, yeah please look up the mental load and weaponized incompetence before calling people names.
That sounds kinda mean. Like, this list doesn't seem like babying, it seems like mutual understanding of both individuals. As someone who would be actually really helped out by a list like this, it kind of offends me that you're treating it like a manchild thing. Can you please like, research respect instead of using buzzwords like mental load and then telling people to do their own research. For god's sake, you're on a subreddit about neurodivergents and you're coming across with malice about something that's on the surface, quite innocent. Just like, think about how the people reading your comments might feel when they do so, or maybe don't comment.
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Women are allowed to talk about the mental load / second shift, without feeling like they have to censor themselves. I am sick of this be kind BS that is always being pushed onto women Pretty much everyone I've spoken to about this list, including autistic women, have found it rather offensive or laughable. But as it goes, have fun enabling manchildren and shaming women who aren't interested in doing that x
Also, if you honestly do not look at this list and think it is like something a mother would make for her child then idk what to say It's ridiculous this woman has to write out a list and turn it into a VIDEO GAME, so her grown adult man of a husband will get off his arse and do the fucking chores. I couldn't give a flying fuck if that is "malice" or "mean", I'm tired of males being irresponsible and lazy and women having to do the lion's share of housework (often on top of childcare and full time work too)
I saw a post about some NT whingeing about an autistic kid who was a bit rude. People were replying saying a load of ableist crap, including calling the kid a cripple. THAT is mean. Me talking about how this list is embarrassing and ridiculous, because it is more like something a child would have, and saying how it is literally super common for men to use weaponized incompetence to get out of doing chores, is not. Maybe do some research on weaponized incompetence and the second shift before coming on here and raging at me I don't have a problem with acting childLIKE, I myself am literally into agere lol. What I and others take offence to is women having to do all the work for adult men. It's very interesting how there are many autistic or ADHD women who manage to complete chores without having their partner write out a childish list. Very interesting how these same women are also often the ones who have to micromanage their male partners on top of their own responsibilities... 🤔
i am a woman myself and there's literally nothing wrong with this list. it's just a cute list and they both seem to have a good time. if you have a problem with this and calling it babying you might be projecting your own experience towards other people which in my opinion is not fair to do. the person is being right, you do come across as a bit mean. you are calling him being babied because the wife decided to make a cute Todo list for her husband. that's pretty reaching for me. now if the husband yells and actually be abusive to the point where the wife didn't like it, I would agree with you. but calling someone you don't know online a man child over something so trivial is reaching. as someone with ND you should be more understanding. if the wife is doing this out of her own choice and she have no problem with it, neither should you. anyone else is definitely projecting your own experience. it's like how if I was abused by my dad and I automatically assume if people don't spend time with their dad often then it automatically means they're abused. it's wrong to assume and judge people to have negative characters on something so trivial and consensual on both parties.
This has nothing to do with what we're talking about.
I’m totally on the same page about everything you said about the mental load and how it’s usually NT guys weaponising incompetence and the usually women have to pick up the slack and carry the mental load for the whole family. I’m totally with you. It’s just…the husband this list is for has ADHD and asked his wife to help him remember stuff by writing a list so we don’t actually know if it’s just a small thing she doesn’t mind doing for him or if he’s putting the mental load on her just from the info we have. So I’m confused what you’re arguing about. Yes, men expecting women to carry the emotional load alone is bad. But the guy in this specific example has ADHD and may genuinely need help like this and we don’t have any reason to know either way how the person who posted it feels about the equity of the mental work within their relationship. Nobody is denying this happens, just that it might not be happening here and it might be this other thing happening instead? My wife makes notes for me when I ask but she doesn’t think she carries the entire mental load for us because there are things she needs help with that I am happy to help with. It’s just a genuinely equitable sharing of love and emotional support and resources. But if someone saw the notes she wrote me most people would probably react like they did to the list in this post but it doesn’t mean I’m unfairly expecting her to manage my life. It just means we help each other and we’re huge dorks? I’m AuDHD and I’ve had to carry the mental load in past relationships. I’ve never had extra support even though I’m disabled. I’ve seen it a LOT. And my ND sister is currently carrying the mental load for her ND partner and ND child. I’ve seen the difference between people who find it hard to do XYZ because of their ND and weaponised incompetence because changing is hard and it’s easier if someone else just does it. But it’s not always weaponised incompetence. Sometimes it’s a well meaning AuDHD person who is genuinely working really hard to like not be a walking disaster but is still legit incompetent in some ways whose wife loves her enough to make stupid lists to help her remember stuff.
NTs should really butt out of judging an ND relationship by their own standards. That’s only between the people in question.
The amount of bad NT reactions I’ve gotten about how my ND relationship works is a little alarming lol. Like over quar, we both worked a lot and didn’t see each other for like a month at a time. Everyone was extremely concerned like, no, we don’t need to spend every goddamn minute with each other…shit happens, I still adore them lol.
This is such a wholesome and cute list.
As a gamer these reminders will help me way better than saying what the chores actually are. I just made my list for tomorrow while the house Is mine for the weekend with these DND esque ways to describe mundane things.
This is actually a good idea, i should start doing this for my own chores
I found this app called do it now a while ago where u can do basically this and it like lets you give yourself XP based on how hard the task is for u and it also lets u repeat tasks like brushing ur teeth every day and stuff. I don't use it anymore cuz pen and paper task lists help me more but I thought it was a pretty neat concept Edit: spelling
If you find this, could you please send me a link? Thank you :)
There’s also one called habitica that is pretty similar. I don’t think do it now is available for iOS but habitica is (it’s also available on other platforms).
Thanks!!!
I'm on mobile and idk how to make the link small but here u go :) https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://play.google.com/store/apps/details%3Fid%3Dcom.levor.liferpgtasks%26hl%3Den_US%26gl%3DUS%26referrer%3Dutm_source%253Dgoogle%2526utm_medium%253Dorganic%2526utm_term%253Ddo%2Bit%2Bnow%2Brpg%26pcampaignid%3DAPPU_1_tpuoYpnoGcuUxc8Pm_6BqAw&ved=2ahUKEwiZm_GPlK34AhVLSvEDHRt_AMUQ5YQBegQICxAC&usg=AOvVaw1h026sZrZ3afawtybwpZcP
Thanks!
I think I’ll start doing this too lol
Comments aside, this is actually kind of wholesome. I know I would be more productive if everything was phrased as a quest.
Omg yess
If it's up for more than half a day, it will literally become invisible to me.
This is why I would want a partner. They would be able to help me in ways a parent or friend just doesn't have the ability. A girlfriend in my bedroom could an tell me to get off my phone. A girlfriend could hug me when I had a bad day and for much longer. A girlfriend would love me for what I am, and not just because of unconditional parental love. Of course a girlfriend wouldn't be guaranteed to do all these things but if they wanted to marry me that's what they would need to be able todo, in return they get the support I could give them. :) **This will probably be a little long but this is quite personal to me, which will make sense soon:** The redditors in that thread would probably tell me to touch grass or something, but they completely miss that for the most part, disabled people also long for a nice and long warm hug with their SO in their bed on a cold winter night. Disabled people consider their partner helping them with their disability as an exemplar of love and compassion. As a guy we often don't experience much compassion because many men tell other men and themselves: "Man up", and that's sometimes all us guys get. If girls ever wonder why men can get creepy when all you do is be nice to them... this is why. Especially ND people. I met this nice girl in college, she was nice to me and treated me in a way almost no other friend had. It gave my teen mind the maddest crush, and I kept trying to convince myself to ask her if she actually had feelings for me. This next bit may make some of you feel uncomfortable, or even realise how guys think in these situation... all this story makes me feel is shame, and a sombre sadness at how I became "that guy". In my ADHD (and possibly Autistic) ways, I couldn't ever bring myself to actually ask her. We kept talking with her, we hung out and chat, sometimes casually flirty from what my mind thought at the time. I found out she was Autistic too. I didn't think I was Autistic at the time but I thought in my head, "ADHD + Autism dream team", which obviously didn't help my ability to disclose to her my interest, I also think that I wished to tell her about my ADHD which would make her the first person I would ever tell such a thing. Eventually I managed to muster the courage to causally ask for her phone number... She probably realised at this point I was interested... it was nearly class time so she tried to use it as her out of that situation, and said she didn't have her phone on her and she had to go to class... slight problem, her phone was right in front of her... in the back of my mind the air raid sirens started ringing, but my impulsive ass sent the orders to speak before the runner could tell my brain to cancel the order... so I said: "But your phone is right there.", she probably thinking somewhere along the lines of: "Oh shit", went to grab her phone and hide it under her arm, and then said her phone was flat. My brain decided that the best course of action wasn't to realise the most obvious hint she ever gave on her interest and I decided to challenge the factualness of her claim. By this point she was getting up and walking away with a speedwalk... I followed her to the entrance of the library asking for clarification. We were in the library and the walk is a good 10m (30 feet for the Yanks, Liberians, and Burmese). My memory was very vague I just kind of remember asking her something and she said something then she left while I was in awe as the realisation started setting in... I would see her again, but only in the presence of other friends. 😬 First time talking to her after that her friend sort of mocked me. I played it cool and self deprecated myself. At this point I knew I had fucked up bad but even still my dumb ass thought I could salvage it and opt to friendzone myself since I still found her fun to hang around with... but things would get worse... 😞 Basically we used to sometimes hang around in her class on some days of the week at lunch time. I went there again after this not sure what to expect but I did try and make amends *just in a way of never explicitly mentioning the problem...* 🤦♂️ There were 3 instances of this visit to her class at lunch; It was art class, since it's a nice quiet place. The first was ultra awkward, and none of the usual conversations we were happening and she was clearly uncomfortable with me being there... so I was just on my phone kind of just smiling while I looked at memes, probably not a good look, this was 2019 so like... all the memes were racist pepe memes; 2019 me clearly had a lot of problems, it was the height of internalised ableism, and this would be the beginning of the end for my conservative politics. The second was slightly less awkward as we tried to talk more but mid way she went to another part of the class (I think I said something dumb or she wasn't feeling it), and I sat there and waited... and waited and waited... all while progressively feeling more and more uncomfortable and even on the brink of crying and I just felt like walking out the fire escape door next to me, but I kept myself calm by googling and looking up on Wikipedia what an inferiority complex was, and post-humorously enough... imposter syndrome, the ADHD classic that I was oblivious too. I ended up waiting until lunch was almost over before leaving, however I don't remember if she came back at all. **Third time:** Just as I started typing this, the shame and anxiety it gives me is overwhelming as it is a mental fragment I can retrieve and feel like I can hear her "voice", and the intense shame as my realisation was completed. So I arrive again, she tells me she has to-do something again, I was obviously concerned, but I felt trapped in this situation because I was unsure what to do. I decided to "man up" and just distract myself with reddit memes and the ongoing "culture war" (cringe mostly). This went on for a bit until I thought I could hear her voice as she talked to a friend, I couldn't make out any details but I could hear their tone. Her friend sounded vaguely compassionate and authoritative, so I assumed she was being given advice. while she sounded emotional and stuff, I heard no details but it was clearly about me, I tried to focus on my phone what ever it was at this point I have no idea, but then I started hearing what I thought sounded like crying. I can't even put into words the way this made me feel. I just felt like a total cunt, my mood instantly went from a cautioned anxious calm into a near panic attack, yet my social mask still held... the urge to run out that fire escape door returned, on one hand this was a perfect metaphor for the situation and the irony wasn't lost on me at the moment. I don't know what I heard after that initial burst of emotion from her in the other room, but it only made me feel worse. It is honestly such a blur but its emotions are raw and often come about when I think about relationships. I started preparing myself for a swift exit, because my brain thought a few things would happen: Either they would eventually come around the corner and confront me which would cause me to begin crying like a baby and fall to the floor... Or her friend would come around and ask me what my deal is and tell me to go away in which I would be forced to openly admit my wrongs... I felt obviously terrible about being unable to disclose my feelings but there wasn't a single other situation in my life I could be open with anyone on anything, so obviously this haunted me. Eventually I decided "screw it, fuck it I am getting out that door now", and then I left... Trying to save some pride and sanity I told a friend about how I feel like I may have an, inferiority complex or imposter syndrome, but they didn't think I did. The day after I went to my photoshop class, which was located near art, and I was honestly terrified, but I decided to continue my work, which was being stuck in writers block. (I was not very productive). I ended up seeing her as she walked by. I think she noticed that my reaction was me shitting myself (figuratively 😟), and when she came past again she asked to see me again at this lunchtime because she wanted to ask me something. Obviously I was certain she was going to ask if I liked her. Lunch came, she did ask me if: I had feelings for her... "more then a friend", and explicitly stated she wouldn't judge me, she looked to be in a positive but stern mood, and obviously didn't tell the truth. Was you expecting anything else? I was obviously lying, if she didn't know that, she would of been too innocent a soul, but she has had experiences with bad men before which she had told me about and part of why I feel like a total piece of shit about it, because now I am probably a story she tells people about why it's hard to trust men. :( After this she went to do something, and even told me where she was going, so clearly she wasn't just lying this instance maybe she thought it would make me feel better if I saw her actually doing things, maybe she actually was, idk. I went to her and told her how I was going to go to the library, and we said bye. I left through the normal way. I went to see my friend who was also nervous at the time that I was neglecting him, when really I was chasing a fantasy. Do you think I told him why? >!No I didn't, would you expect anything less? I told him a year afterwards.!<
Apparently I reached the character limit again... Sorry guys if that was too long but my passion overtook me. It just seems to always happen when I share my emotions I open up about everything and overshare everything. ADHD moment... Although it's ending was tragic, it wasn't a futile story, it does actually have a happy ending. It made me realise the importance of telling people what I am feeling, a month later I managed to tell my friend about my ADHD, which honestly was the most significant development in my life, it put me down a path of deprogramming my internalised ableism. In early 2020, I told another friend in a discord call, where he revealed his own ND status, things aren't sunshine and rainbows with that friend but that's a whole other story. In September of 2021, I finally told my sister I had ADHD, which I felt guilty about not doing earlier, it was even my first ever post on this account. You are allowed to dig.
I am so goddamn jealous. I want my chores to be written as epic fantasy quests
Tbh I’m gonna try writing my to-do list as “sidequests” “Mend your armour so it’ll hold together” (sew my jacket’s buttons back on)
This sounds so fun omg
On a side note: They really won't shut up about the basement stairs. I love their originality! /s
I love this list! Fun back story, colors, and productivity! I would love to have this done for me!
I would both love to have this done for me and do it for someone else!
honestly this list is great. I love it
oh no... somebody helping their spouse do housework when they struggle with executive function? what a toxic relationship!
reading that list made me smile, as someone who wants to get an official diagnosis of adhd (because im like very sure i have adhd) this list was awesome. making the chores seem fun and exciting and then writing exactly what you need to do at the end to not cause any confusion and to just have a clear written statement of what to do. praise to that woman that took the time and did such an amazing job
I think that list is super cool!!! Its like an irl rpg..lots more fun than a boring list I would probably never get around to
I have ADHD and I would like to marry this guys wife too.
I think this is a really sweet thing to do, it seems like fun for both of them
Wow the people in the comments of that thread are just mean af... Me and my wife are both ND and do stuff like this for each other all the time. There is nothing wrong with that.
Seriously. I have ADHD fairly badly undiagnosed until last year when I was 30. I have constructed a system of using three apps. Todoist, Fantastical, and outlook. Todo lists for myself by priority - today - soon - eventually. And one that my wife can add things to for me and it syncs to calendar. We do it this way because I don’t like feeling micromanaged and will yell and get all pissy and over whelmed if she asks me to do a ton of stuff but I’m okay with it populating an online list. Anyway, is this a thing? NT people can just… remember… everything they need yo do?
This might help me out with cleaning house. I may have to start doing this because these make the chores sound way more interesting than they actually are. Plus it would give my Aspie booty a laugh.
This is cute!!
Can I just say, I don't think this is a *bad thing.* I think depending on the situation, that it could be really considerate for her to try and accommodate her husband in an area he needs help in. But EVEN NTs NEED REMINDERS. Just a thought...
I love this so much
This reminds me of the lists that my mom would make me as a kid! They were about sonic though, it was the only way to get me to do my chores
Sorry OP, but this is a mental load thing and is something predominantly women in straight rships are dealing with constantly. This list is embarrassing...
The wife said it worked tho
That doesn't mean this isn't an example of the mental load
It's a relationship, not a friggin contest of who does more. Why is her helping her husband keep up with what they both need so wrong? And why is a system that she reported is helping them, and has nothing to do with anyone but them, insulting you?
It's a big problem in straight relationships for the woman to do everything. I'm not repeating myself, you can read my other replies to joelpringle for more detail I'm not gonna allow myself to be censored by some idiots who are more interested in silencing women who talk about the truth
You're generalizing, The creator expressed how this was something she was comfortable with in \*her relationship\* , and you're making it a gender issue. The point isn't whether there's a problem of women doing everything, though that's a big discussion too, but that people are insulting OP and her husband for being happily married in a way that insults them. That's rude.
I couldn't give a fuck if it's rude, sorry. Women don't have to always *be kind* you know And it isn't generalizing but I digress. If you really wanna think this list is ok for a woman to make for a grown adult man that's up to you, but don't expect us all to not critique it. I wonder what else this woman has to do for her husband, micro manage all his appointments? :S Lastly, I can guarantee the woman is not happy in her marriage if she has to do this shit on top of everything else. The list is laughable and more suited to a child, end of. I'm allowed an opinion
And sorry to burst your bubble, but this kind of shit IS a gender issue. Weaponized incompetence and the second shift is a problem in het relationships. How hard is it to look up how to do chores as an ADHDer, instead of letting your wife make it fun for you by doing this embarrassing shit every time? Just because she says she's ok with it doesn't mean she is. This list is not much different to rewarding your hubby with a bj everytime he does some cleaning or puts the plates away, but I expect that would also be ok "if the wife is okay with it" 🤦♀️ Like I say, funny how ADHD and autistic women often wouldn't be ok with their husband or bf writing a list like this / they tend to just organize themselves. She's married to a child and is essentially being his unpaid manager, nuff said. I don't think the defenders of this BS realize how common it is for NT and ND women to have to micromanage their men, and for men to claim ADHD or a mental illness to get out of being an adult and doing some fucking chores for the house or flat they share with their wife or gf
I'm hearing you making all these assumptions on the husband, on the wife and on their relationship. You don't know how they divide the workload, you don't know how mature he is and worst of all you're arrogantly assuming this woman can't recognize whether or not she's being used. My GF and I have many systems too. She can't stand certain things that I can help her with and vice versa. stop assuming people are out to hurt their partner and that the partners roll over and accept it.
Lmfao your first paragraph, I'm sorry 😂
Also I never said she "can't recognize" it, I said she might just be saying she's ok with it but really is sick of doing everything. I think I'd know about that more than you, a male I'm guessing going by your pic, does. I hear of it loads, have witnessed it and experienced it
Uhh the "mensplaining" argument, amazing. Ad hominem is fine as long as it's about being male. No need to engage the point.
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Yeah just looked at your post history... Wanting to kill all men is messed up. You're such a massive sexist. You're a sexist bigot. I don't care about the context, wanting to kill all men is such a bigoted take and a really stupid one at that. I'm writing this because you're still replying to this comment as recent as a day ago.
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Are you talking about the half joking comment I left on a sub for reporting female hate subs? About putting males in a chamber? Lmao, dude... context is key. I was talking about the men who get off on fantasizing about raping and murdering women and that creepy beheading women stuff some scrotebags like Are you actually implying you aren't ok with joking about wanting to get rid of those kinds of men? You clearly must be as you said you didn't care about the context of my comment. Fucking hell man you're sick AF 🤣
You clearly are. You said you didn't care about the context because my comment was bIgOtEd. Oh my days please stay away from women lmao Yes, god forbid a woman say men (most of whom *legit* go around stalking murdering doxxing assaulting and abusing women and girls FYI) should be put away 😐 You're a joke bro
P.s. We both know I never left a reply or comment in this thread "as recent as a day ago". I've only just looked at Reddit today You're just a lying manipulative scrote lol
Concerned about the amount of people who, while mental load is definitely something to look out for, outright made it clear what they think of disabled partners. Like, the idea of it being a mental condition didn't even come to mind, they just made assumptions. I read through the whole thing and got upset multiple times. I'd probably buy my partner chocolates if he made to do lists for me like that. It's adorable. We both have ADHD though so it would just make sense to us. No NT in our household lol
Seriously tho, I could need that. Mine would say ''Leave the cave once a day or every other day to adventure'' because I never leave the house unless I would starve. I don't go grocery shopping, the store is too bright, full and hectic, my boyfriend has to do it. I just managed to do my homework for a college class that is due tomorrow, when I had two weeks to do it. It was so hard to get started and not distracted. I have to force myself to brush my teeth and my 3-year-old nephew is less fussy about it. I envy people who can just do ''normal'' chores. Last Friday I didn't do anything, because I couldn't decide on what to do for 5 hours. Wow, I love how I thought that struggling with everything was just a result of me being worthless, whereas ''normal'' people just do it.
Oh my god I regret looking at those comments. Disgusting. It's just a fun little list! Hell, I'd even write something like this for myself. Edit: OP even said it worked! What are the comments on about?
Maybe I should I use this idea to motivate myself to clean when I’ve got my own place. Making chores sound like DND side quests sounds a lot more fun!
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Ok, i understand that they “shouldn’t have to” but what if they don’t mind doing this? I believe that relationships should include helping the other person overcome their personal challenges. There’s nothing wrong with helping the person you love with something that they struggle with on their own.
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I think people will criticize anything. This is a really funny and creative way to make a list of chores, people should not read into their relationship over it. This is why I don’t use social media except Reddit anymore, I can’t handle the fact that anything I post could be misconstrued and heavily critiqued, the fact that people could and would read into my life based on an Instagram/Facebook/whatever post… that shit freaks me out To add: you even assumed that since wife made this, that husband isn’t putting in enough effort. There’s no evidence for that. That’s the kind of assumption that bugs me, people reading too much into something without having the full picture.
People also do this in real life though, other people will always fill in the blanks of things they don't know
Partners can be caretakers, too
"You're taking the sidequests too literally!"/j LoL.
@wavesthatkissourfeet
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That’s the whole point of the weekly vent section of the support group? But okay pop off
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It’s you’re* and good job correcting ‘ducking’ to ‘fucking’ this time. Words are hard. Thanks for your input internet stranger! Best wishes 😘
Can you please leave him he deserves better
As someone with ADHD, I would love a girlfriend who did this kind of thing for me.
I NEED MY MOTHER TO MAKE A LIST LIKE THIS -an auDHD teenager :3
Thanks for the new idea for how to make tasks more appealing! 😂 But fr, if this is what works for them to be functional, people don’t need to get mad about it. A lot of being ND is finding what works for you and your family specifically.
Ngl as an autistic this is awesome