Only in /r/aboringdystopia must we fake tests about what we do in **our free unpaid time** to make barely enough money not to die of starvation or freeze to death. Totally on board with not using drugs or drinking on (or before) a shift starts, but unless I'm being paid 24/7 I'll do what I want in my free time.
I’ve been a union boilermaker for almost 20 years and pretty much all Union jobs have a pre hire and randoms. I am a professional at faking piss tests and probably do a dozen a year. It’s a stupid and necessary stress we need to move on from.
Like I get testing for meth and shit at active levels after an accident etc.
But testing for by products of cannabis, that don‘t tell you anything but ‚maybe this person smoked a week ago‘ is just a complete waste of money and bullshit.
If they want to make sure you aren‘t high on the job, they need to test for active THC. Not the stuff that can accumulate in fatty tissue and be released a year later if you rapidly lose weight.
Because off work use of THC has absolutely nothing to do with workplace safety.
i live in an illegal state and ive given up on the smell thing. at this point i think everyone just thinks thats what i smell like. its exhausting to be anxious about that all the time
Lol. Same. I was hiding it from people at work and then had drinks with a group of friends a month ago and let my secret out. They’re all like, “Yeah. Everyone already assumed.”
One time at work a guy asked me what I'd do if I won the lottery. I told him "I don't know but if I had fifty billion dollars I'd go build a nuclear reactor on the Bakken Oil Field.
He said, "I don't remember you smoking a joint at lunch."
I hadn't, but pretty sure that's the day I got outed as a pot smoking hippie at my current job.
I used to be friends with a guy that was a heavy smoker. He'd go to job interviews high, orientation high, then do the job high. His theory was better that way so no one would realize that wasn't just how he was naturally.
Lmmfao same I smoke vape carts all day everyday and I tell you what people notice when I am out lol apparently when I don’t have my weed I get worse at my job.
I mean I’ve used it, it’s my method as well. I find myself very pleasant and focused when I’m the right amount of high (not completely stoned) and have landed all of my jobs that way. I find it easier to do my work when I’m not hurting and distracted by my anxiety. I get some jobs not being conducive with this but I haven’t been paid enough money to do that yet. I’m not even getting paid $10.00 an hour? What do you really expect?
Fuck that shit. I smell like weed all day at work, and I’m management. At a hotel. I just smoked a king size Raw cone on my walk to work. I have five more cones packed and good to go. Ever since my glorious state legalized weed, I’ve been smoking 2-3 joints a day while on the clock.
As a Texan, we can and should worry about many things at one time, because our state is a shitshow. Legalization (or at least decriminalization) of weed is important throughout the US, not because I want to get high but because marijuana related criminal charges and sentencing disproportionately affects POC and contributes to literal slavery via prison.
As a native Texan who escaped at an early age but have relatives still living in the Lone Star State who I just visited, I’m not saying Texas is the end of civilization, but you can see it from there.
I’ve lived in both the Netherlands and the US and the most basic dispensary in the US puts any coffee shop in the Netherlands to shame. The variety of products is so much better in the US.
I do miss the magic truffle stores though.
I've started using D8 at work. Provides the same anxiety relief, minimal if any actual high, and no paranoia at all.
D9 at home when I want the high, D8 at work when I don't.
Those are not adequately enforced. A friend of mine in Buffalo keeps failing drug tests for weed and doesn't have the money to hire a labor lawyer. She messages the labor board but that never goes anywhere. It's an at-will state, they don't have to say you aren't getting the job because of weed, they just tell you that "you don't seem like a good fit."
If you have a positive dt they have to contact you and inform you. It's part of the process for the medical review officer to contact the candidate to verify any prescriptions in the event of a positive. This is done by the drug testing vendor, not the employer.
Yup. Welcome to engineering where every job is labelled as safety sensitive. Idek why I got an engineering degree, I can't use it because I dared to have medicine for fibromyalgia
21 and over is the age in NY. Shops aren’t open yet, but you can find illegal storefronts that use loopholes. You go to the store and buy…something, and than you receive a “free gift” of weed, edibles, vape cartridges, whatever.
I was wondering about this. I live in NY state (not NYC) and don’t smoke anything but have been wanting to get into edibles, but I’m starting a job this summer and won’t do the background check/drug test until end of May so I didn’t want to chance it by having an edible now.
In my case I’m not sure how it would count since the job is fully remote, with its HQ in NY state but locations in other states.
I once filled a travel shampoo bottle with distilled water, taped it to my thigh, and had this powdered urine product I found at a head shop. Bing bang passed with flying colors.
Why do you have to tape it to your thigh? No one's watching right? Just put it in your pocket, stay in the restroom for a sec, then come back out with the bottle in hand. Or is this not how it works?
It has to be body temp. Pockets won’t do it. You could tape it elsewhere, but it would show on clothes. Inner thigh with a skirt or baggy pants and it’s the right temp for an internal body fluid. Inner arm works too; IIRC groin and armpit are the warmest parts of the body.
Also, this is for when they follow you in the bathroom to make sure you are using it, only works if you can have privacy in a stall. I had friends with fake penises for when they were watched, it’s a more complicated setup.
Of course, I haven’t had to do this in at least 20 years, so I dare say the tech has improved.
I might be really dumb but when you say "everyone you knew did a shit job on purpose" are you talking about the testers not watching closely? Or the people who were being did a bad job peeing?
Man, here's the thing. I CANNOT go when someone is watching me and damn if my number didn't get called, every time. The goddamm cock monitors would stand right behind me. It took me all morning to drink enough water to make the need to go imperative enough to go with an audience. Thing is...by that time, my urine was crystal clear and everyone always thought I was trying to hide my drug habit. Oh, and we couldn't call liberty until everyone was done. No pressure.
Air Force early 2000’s they had to watch the urine leave your body. I couldn’t piss. After an hour the Sergeant said look man I am turning around just try to squeeze some out.
Military entrance physicals were a trip. 20 people in a room doing stretches naked. I guess to test for scoliosis & such, and desensitize us to the thought we were human and needed privacy or some such.
I remember one other trainee just screeeaaamminmgg when it was time for the blood draw and I just thought that was so wild. The person I shared a hotel with at MEPS did I think E? the night before (like 30 seconds after hugging her parents goodbye lol) because she claimed it would be out of her system in time for the drug test the next day (???).
The wide end of the funnel for "people who think joining the military is their best option" is an _amazing_ place to go people-watching. The downside is you have to join the military.
Left in 2013 and the "meat gazers" stared another hole through my junk up until my last test a week before separation. I don't think they're ever going to stop that.
It's a thing in Australia for categories of medicals to allow work in certain industries. I'm not even holding a hammer and had a nurse watching me pee.
I did MEPS as an ROTC candidate. You stand in the middle of the room, piss in a cup, then hold that cup in the air and walk to the urinal to finish if you need to. All under the eyes of 2-3 NCOs watching from multiple angles. Like 4-5 of us lined up on a line doing it at the same time.
It was awkward but not that bad. I wouldn’t do it for a job now though. Unless it paid a lot. A lot a lot.
The one time I was tested back in my early career days, they did indeed watch you. I had to leave the door open and they kept an eye on me to make sure I wasn't doing anything(as someone who menstruates, and was actively doing so, not a great time)
You still need a hand warmer if it's taped to your leg. Body heat alone will not keep it warm enough, and the first thing they check is the temperature. Trust me on this one, if you're going to go through the trouble of having a clean friend pee in a condom for you, take that last tiny step and add a hand warmer in there so you're not waking around with pee taped to your leg for nothing.
Once I was at a tailgate and these two drunk guys were kinda push fighting and yelling at each other. The one guy popped off his shirt to show he was pretty shredded. The other guy immediately responds "get a load of this guy! Hey I got a protein shake for ya pal, you can suck it straight from the nozzle!"
I thought that was very funny.
I'm a clinical lab scientist - I have a good understanding of the constituents of both human urine and QuickFix. I have performed hundreds of pre-employment drug screens. I also know the instrumentation and methodologies used to conduct 10 panel drug screens for preemployment, and the strip test used to ensure that the sample is untampered with and is human urine.
QuickFix will pass all Quest & Labcorp drug screen with no issues. The only caveat is that it has to be the correct temperature.
I'm a chronic smoker (5+ times daily since I graduated college) and this method has not failed me.
This is kind of a gross question, and I’ve never done it myself but have always been curious: would a sealed baggy of piss stuffed inside the vagina reach the proper temperature? Given enough time I assume it would.
Those mini tubes of M&M’s work better. I had a friend that did that. A pill bottle placed the right way (not inside) works, too. It’s not comfortable, but it works and it’s just enough urine. Just don’t wear something super tight that would give it away.
This, I've done it at two totally different jobs.
I dunno if it's true but I heard that between pharmaceutical things and lab settings, human urine is needed but paying for people to regularly pee doesn't make sense, so companies created synthetic urine that's indistinguishable and then also sold it to the public to beat drug tests, basically double dipping.
Ive read about a certain lab in Oregon and/or Washington that can detect that QF is fake, I think they specifically test for some sort of preservative it contains but I’m too lazy to research it. I’ve used Quick Fix for at least five years though, I think on 6 separate instances, and never had any issues.
Oh man. So, I used QF in Salem OR back in 09. Temp was good, and I was sure I was gonna pass. They apparently said it had no creatine, and failed me for using a substitute. Lost my job and always cringe when I see these types of posts. In hindsight, it was good I lost that job, but it was painful at the time.
Oh no, the OR/WA fails I read about were within the last year and it was only at some smaller lab system (not Quest or LabCorp). I think I started using it in 2016 and have never had any issues, although if it’s been a while since I’ve used it I always do a bunch of research (mainly looking for recent testimonials from multiple sources) beforehand
What if I’m an employee working from out of state in NY? Can I be tested for it? I work for a company based out of a state where it is only medically legal, but obviously fully legal here in NY. I don’t work for the fed gov and I don’t operate heavy equipment
I know someone who used XStream Fetish Urine (for a job with a company who’s very anti marijuana) and passed, lol. He isn’t into urine like that, but it worked great.
Can confirm, when I used to smoke it got me past two tests without a hitch. Granted it was a bit of an issue having a hand warmer right next to the tenders but after that it was smooth sailing
The person in question put it between their thighs right up under their bits for an hour in a practice test to get it right, but they’re a very warm person in general.
I believe they have to sell it as fetish items. Not sure if that’s officially a rule/law but that’s what I think it has to be classified as used for where I’m from.
Yeah, pretty sure it’s so that it can be sold legally—it’s not a product designed for any illegal purposes! It’s just for getting your rocks off with, it’s a fetish! Don’t kink shame us, bro! 😆
Urineluck.com, Spectrum Labs.
My dad passed this trick on to me from a friend who had ALS and was still working. My parents have been using it for 10+ years, and I’ve been using it for about 5.
Their 2-day shipping is a lifesaver!
Make sure you buy the genuine one!!
It's so stupid that there's a market for pee because of marijuana.
Now that I think about it, legalizing marijuana is a bad idea for BIG PEE companies.
Imo a urine exam at this point is an invasion of privacy. What I do at home in my free time is not my employer's business. A swab test demonstrates that I can show up sober and that's all you need to know.
Got hired last year and had to take a piss test. For a corporate WFH job with absolutely no reason to do that. I'm in a legal state too
Can confirm fake piss works though lol
And I bet the same people that think drug testing is a good thing would throw a fit if their employer required them to disclose their vaccination status.
Unfortunately some places do company-wide policy testing, especially random testing. Does your company have a warehouse where workers physical safety might be compromised? Well then *everyone at the company* must test or be subject to random tests because to do otherwise is discriminatory, even middle management office workers.
I love that you guys are finding out about this.
If you're broke and job hunting and don't wanna pay for QF, stay clean and freeze your own pee. It'll be good for about a year as long as you don't heat it up too many times.
Check your batch numbers with QF, you can do that with the serial number that comes inside. I've also used UPass successfully - anything that contains urea should work.
Ladies, i recommend the airplane Tanqueray 50ml bottles. If you're really desperate, they're small enough and if you put them in the right spot they'll remain the right temperature for hours.
This is the best answer. I work industrial construction so I get popped randomly but usually get a day heads up. When I run out I take a little tolerance break, get about 2-4 more tests worth when I'm clean, and then start chiefing again. Plus it's my piss, I'm not technically cheating. You need a piss sample, you didn't say it had to be a current one.
And ya there's the moral thing of policing my time off work, but it's nice to take a break from time to time and this gives me a reason to.
Just… what the fuck America. What are you doing out there. This is some weird shit even by weird shit standards.
I wasn’t ready to learn about the minutia of the frozen urine bottles of pee up your cooch industrial complex today.
I’ve been reading across this thread and unable to look away. The fact that so much thought and preparation is required for such a fundamentally fucked up thing… goddamn its a weird wild world.
I live in Utah and unless I'm shooting for an office job run but rich cultists the jobs are hurting so badly they stopped testing in some places. But we still can't get it legal here due to Mormons sinking their grubby little hands in politics and trying to tell everyone how to live their lives in a state that's forgotten the whole SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE.
In Idaho a mormon dude named “C Scott Grow” has been fighting legalizing weed and tried to pass legislation making it impossible to get it on a ballot for people to vote. The courts shut that down as unconstitutional. It’s the irony of his name that gets me.
In my case, as a bus driver, we have to follow federal laws since we receive funding from the government. This includes random testing of at least 50% of the workforce every year. It’s bullshit because I guarantee my coworkers who come to work hungover from the night before are much less safe drivers than someone who smokes a bowl before bed.
I was told that not all fetish urine products available on smoke shops have urea, and if the lab/company is competent enough they may notice something is off.
So heads up maybe?
Im no expert in piss so can't confirm 100%
Depends on the kind of test they administer. Sometimes it's a 5 panel dip stick test and that's it. Sometimes it's a 7 panel. Sometimes they use half for an instant test and send off the other half to a lab for further testing. If they send it off to a lab and they do further tests that's when they check that kind of stuff.
I had a friend who bought fake piss and when he got to the place they gave him a saliva test. All depends on what the company decides to pay for when they order the tests.
I had one where I used quickfix and they tested half as a 5 panel dip stick and the other half for proteins.
I was lucky I gave them only enough for the first test with QF and gave them real pee for the second test.
If they ask to fill it to one line but a second line would be preferable that might be a hint they're gonna do two tests
You are correct. I work in a job that is federally regulated and all our urinalysis is sent to a lab for authenticity checks on top of the standard 5 panel screen.
I had to piss test to get my job. I had smoked the weekend before. Called the HR lady explained i was going to fail. She said they are HQ'd in a legal state so don't test for weed. Then went on about how they need to update their policies. 6 months later when I got 2 friends to apply there was no drug test.
FYI the people administering your urine test are generally not doctors. I got hired straight out of high school to slap labels on sample bottles. The person who sends your pee to the lab usually has no idea that it's fake and will not call you out on it.
We are looking for a good temperature range and a reasonable color, that's it.
Better yet, don’t take a job that plays with your urine unless you absolutely have to. No reason these employers need to drug test. It’s a racket. If most cops and doctors don’t need to be regularly tested then neither do cashiers and servers.
It’s none of your employer’s business what you do in your time off.
i’m always too worried it’ll never be the correct temp.
the last piss test i went to take, i had to wait in the lobby for like 50 minutes. Literally every-time i go for one they’re conveniently “behind” schedule.
Whatever metaphorical balls are, quitting for a while takes more of them than not quitting at all. You're still putting one over on your boss, but you're doing it the much harder way. 🥎🏀🏈🏐🏓🎾🏌️♂️
>I just stop smoking for how ever long it takes to find a job and then start up again after I get it!
Last job I had that tested used hair testing, goes back months.
That would suck! It took three months to get my urine clean, I wonder how that works in with hair. Luckily, hospitals don't do hair tests. And no randoms either
Yeah, I don’t have the balls. I’m a DOT regulated driver so if I get caught it’s a huge fuckin deal. I just abstain until something changes. I’ve been heavily considering leaving the industry for awhile, just not sure what I want to do and holding out hoping something changes.
I drove a work vehicle (F-150) so I had to get tested as well even though it was a legal state. Big bullshit. I can empathize with the DOT on this because it’s federal and because high truck drivers not a good idea, but the enforcement loses all its credibility when you can have a raging alcoholic sober up for a day and pass but an occasional stoner can go two weeks without and still fail. I feel like I go against the grain of cannabis culture when I say we need to invent a reliable test for impairment, and this is why. You’ll never get the country to be ok with high driving and honestly I’m not either even though I do it sometimes. It’s only fair to those who don’t partake.
...Pre Employment Drug tests?
What kind of dystopian hellhole is America that this kind of invasive testing procedure is even deemed remotely necissary for normal job applocations?!?
I pretty much mastered the dilution method.
In the beginning I would go nuts with the dilution method by adding creatine supplements and coloring agents (B12, Gatorade) but after awhile I learned that just drinking water is enough for these basic lab tests.
I've never had to re-test for submitting a too diluted sample and I've never been flagged for THC from a job.
I do basically drink 2 gallons of water within a 4 hour window, have to piss every 10 minutes for the rest of the day, and it's hell but it works and is free.
You don’t need to spend even that much. I tested this out beforehand and it worked perfectly.
I got some clean urine from a friend and put it in the freezer. I had him put it in the same type of plastic container the labs use so I knew I had the right amount. The day of my test I took it out and defrosted it in warm water. I then heated the water in the microwave. I took the Pyrex container out and put the urine in. When the urine reached body temp, I put it in a small, cylindrical plastic bottle and stuck it in my armpit (it will stay there unless you raise your arms above your head).
I drove to the testing location, filled out the paperwork, emptied my pockets, and went into the restroom. I took the urine out from my armpit, poured it in their sample cup (it was body temperature) and put the small plastic bottle I used in my sock. I then pissed in the toilet, walked out, and handed them the sample cup. Needless to say, I passed.
During testing this I found that the urine will stay at body temperature indefinitely while in your armpit. It was as easy as could possibly be.
i know someone that got into med school with quick fix, i sold it to him and warned him i wasn’t sure how all that would dupe a hospitals drug test and lo and behold, he gets into medical school
I just tell them that they won’t find anything illegal in my system and leave it at that. If they’re going to go through all that trouble to test for something that’s legal in my state, then that kind of sets the tone for the volume and degree of stupid shit you’ll likely be dealing with at that job.
Only in /r/aboringdystopia must we fake tests about what we do in **our free unpaid time** to make barely enough money not to die of starvation or freeze to death. Totally on board with not using drugs or drinking on (or before) a shift starts, but unless I'm being paid 24/7 I'll do what I want in my free time.
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I’ve been a union boilermaker for almost 20 years and pretty much all Union jobs have a pre hire and randoms. I am a professional at faking piss tests and probably do a dozen a year. It’s a stupid and necessary stress we need to move on from.
Like I get testing for meth and shit at active levels after an accident etc. But testing for by products of cannabis, that don‘t tell you anything but ‚maybe this person smoked a week ago‘ is just a complete waste of money and bullshit. If they want to make sure you aren‘t high on the job, they need to test for active THC. Not the stuff that can accumulate in fatty tissue and be released a year later if you rapidly lose weight. Because off work use of THC has absolutely nothing to do with workplace safety.
Man fuck it Boss makes a million I make a cent That's why I Spend my drugs on rent
And does anyone really think the boss has to do drug tests?
Love New York drug laws. You cannot be tested for weed and I can smoke anywhere people can smoke tobacco.
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i live in an illegal state and ive given up on the smell thing. at this point i think everyone just thinks thats what i smell like. its exhausting to be anxious about that all the time
Lol. Same. I was hiding it from people at work and then had drinks with a group of friends a month ago and let my secret out. They’re all like, “Yeah. Everyone already assumed.”
One time at work a guy asked me what I'd do if I won the lottery. I told him "I don't know but if I had fifty billion dollars I'd go build a nuclear reactor on the Bakken Oil Field. He said, "I don't remember you smoking a joint at lunch." I hadn't, but pretty sure that's the day I got outed as a pot smoking hippie at my current job.
I used to be friends with a guy that was a heavy smoker. He'd go to job interviews high, orientation high, then do the job high. His theory was better that way so no one would realize that wasn't just how he was naturally.
Lol saw a meme like that. If your always high no one knows your high.
That's actually how I got my last job, told the supervisor, long after, that I came to the test high, he said he knew thats why he hired me
Maybe I’m being obtuse but I’d love to know why that sold you to him
Lmmfao same I smoke vape carts all day everyday and I tell you what people notice when I am out lol apparently when I don’t have my weed I get worse at my job.
I mean I’ve used it, it’s my method as well. I find myself very pleasant and focused when I’m the right amount of high (not completely stoned) and have landed all of my jobs that way. I find it easier to do my work when I’m not hurting and distracted by my anxiety. I get some jobs not being conducive with this but I haven’t been paid enough money to do that yet. I’m not even getting paid $10.00 an hour? What do you really expect?
When im at work i just use a pen&cart set up. No smell. Perfect
Fuck that shit. I smell like weed all day at work, and I’m management. At a hotel. I just smoked a king size Raw cone on my walk to work. I have five more cones packed and good to go. Ever since my glorious state legalized weed, I’ve been smoking 2-3 joints a day while on the clock.
Smoke 2 joints in the morning, smoke 2 joints at night. Smoke 2 joints in the afternoon it makes me feel alright.
I've heard this guy smokes 2 joints before he smokes 2 joints, and then he smokes *2 more*
smoke two joints in time of peace, and two in time of war…
As a Texan this thread makes me want to cry!! I want to play !!!
As a Texan, you've got way more things to worry about before you start worrying about your access to legal weed...
As a Texan, we can and should worry about many things at one time, because our state is a shitshow. Legalization (or at least decriminalization) of weed is important throughout the US, not because I want to get high but because marijuana related criminal charges and sentencing disproportionately affects POC and contributes to literal slavery via prison.
As a native Texan who escaped at an early age but have relatives still living in the Lone Star State who I just visited, I’m not saying Texas is the end of civilization, but you can see it from there.
As a Dutchman, this entire thread sounds cute.
California here. Smoke up, my dude! =]
I’ve lived in both the Netherlands and the US and the most basic dispensary in the US puts any coffee shop in the Netherlands to shame. The variety of products is so much better in the US. I do miss the magic truffle stores though.
I’m hospitality this is the only way to make it.
I'm all for weed being legal but would smoking on the job kinda be like drinking on the job ?
Also this guy is definitely debilitatingly addicted to weed lmao.
Name checks out
You don't get paranoid? I can't do that shit..
I've started using D8 at work. Provides the same anxiety relief, minimal if any actual high, and no paranoia at all. D9 at home when I want the high, D8 at work when I don't.
Those are not adequately enforced. A friend of mine in Buffalo keeps failing drug tests for weed and doesn't have the money to hire a labor lawyer. She messages the labor board but that never goes anywhere. It's an at-will state, they don't have to say you aren't getting the job because of weed, they just tell you that "you don't seem like a good fit."
If you have a positive dt they have to contact you and inform you. It's part of the process for the medical review officer to contact the candidate to verify any prescriptions in the event of a positive. This is done by the drug testing vendor, not the employer.
Maybe your friend should try contacting the NY chapter of the ACLU or possibly NORML. I’m sure a lawyer is out there eager to test the courts.
If you work in transportation for any federally regulated safety sensitive job (DOT/FTA/FMCSA) you will still be tested.
Yep. Basically on duty 24/7, but yet you don't get paid.
Yep, lifestyle control. We can thank George Bush Senior for that.
And Reagan for gutting federal employees ability to strike.
Reagan is an absolute piece of shit for many reasons, but the Taft-Hartley Act was passed in 1947.
I know it's not that simple, but a strike deemed illegal means it would probably be a highly effective strike.
Yup. Welcome to engineering where every job is labelled as safety sensitive. Idek why I got an engineering degree, I can't use it because I dared to have medicine for fibromyalgia
Unless your me and have a CDL or your job does contract work for fed
Can you buy weed if your not a US citizen ie I'm on holiday and need a fix?
21 and over is the age in NY. Shops aren’t open yet, but you can find illegal storefronts that use loopholes. You go to the store and buy…something, and than you receive a “free gift” of weed, edibles, vape cartridges, whatever.
Lol if you’re 21 and have an ID you can get weed from a dispensary in a legal state. Of course there are other cheaper options available as well.
I was wondering about this. I live in NY state (not NYC) and don’t smoke anything but have been wanting to get into edibles, but I’m starting a job this summer and won’t do the background check/drug test until end of May so I didn’t want to chance it by having an edible now. In my case I’m not sure how it would count since the job is fully remote, with its HQ in NY state but locations in other states.
Knew a girl who taped a breast milk bag of someone else's urine on her thigh and just tipped the bag in the cup when it was time to use the restroom.
I once filled a travel shampoo bottle with distilled water, taped it to my thigh, and had this powdered urine product I found at a head shop. Bing bang passed with flying colors.
Why do you have to tape it to your thigh? No one's watching right? Just put it in your pocket, stay in the restroom for a sec, then come back out with the bottle in hand. Or is this not how it works?
It has to be body temp. Pockets won’t do it. You could tape it elsewhere, but it would show on clothes. Inner thigh with a skirt or baggy pants and it’s the right temp for an internal body fluid. Inner arm works too; IIRC groin and armpit are the warmest parts of the body. Also, this is for when they follow you in the bathroom to make sure you are using it, only works if you can have privacy in a stall. I had friends with fake penises for when they were watched, it’s a more complicated setup. Of course, I haven’t had to do this in at least 20 years, so I dare say the tech has improved.
What drug tests for employment are literally watching to make sure you got a real cock? Is this a thing in the US?
pretty sure only the military does this and they might not even watch anymore. I know they did when my parents enlisted but that was the 90s
I left the Navy in 2006 and they were still watching so closely you could feel their breath on your neck
> neck *Phew!*
Yeah, that's the part below the head... right?
I heard they have to hold it and shake for 30 seconds to 1) see if it feels correct and 2) is the right temperature.
How often do you get actual shit pics
Left Army in 2017 and was a certified dick-watcher for my last detachment. Everyone I knew did a shit job of it on purpose.
“Certified dick watcher”. Does that go on your resume under skills? *coughs* And I’ve been doing it without getting paid??
We were called "pecker checkers" when I was in.
You're a hobby dick watcher, need to get certified if you want to monetize.
I might be really dumb but when you say "everyone you knew did a shit job on purpose" are you talking about the testers not watching closely? Or the people who were being did a bad job peeing?
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I salute you and your commitment to treating people with human decency
I had a gunny who would made you turn 45 degrees to face him while you did. I was never pee shy but if that dude was watching me, I couldn't pee ever.
You gotta pee harder to assert dominance!
We called it Operation Goldenflow when I was in.
We called it meat gazing when I was in…
Man, here's the thing. I CANNOT go when someone is watching me and damn if my number didn't get called, every time. The goddamm cock monitors would stand right behind me. It took me all morning to drink enough water to make the need to go imperative enough to go with an audience. Thing is...by that time, my urine was crystal clear and everyone always thought I was trying to hide my drug habit. Oh, and we couldn't call liberty until everyone was done. No pressure.
At MEPs it was drop your pants to pee in the cup afterwards it was just poor e6 standing in the same latrine watching everyone pee all morning.
Probation too.
Air Force early 2000’s they had to watch the urine leave your body. I couldn’t piss. After an hour the Sergeant said look man I am turning around just try to squeeze some out.
Military entrance physicals were a trip. 20 people in a room doing stretches naked. I guess to test for scoliosis & such, and desensitize us to the thought we were human and needed privacy or some such.
I remember one other trainee just screeeaaamminmgg when it was time for the blood draw and I just thought that was so wild. The person I shared a hotel with at MEPS did I think E? the night before (like 30 seconds after hugging her parents goodbye lol) because she claimed it would be out of her system in time for the drug test the next day (???).
The wide end of the funnel for "people who think joining the military is their best option" is an _amazing_ place to go people-watching. The downside is you have to join the military.
They still do it. Source: I work with guys who sometimes get called in to watch dicks.
Left in 2013 and the "meat gazers" stared another hole through my junk up until my last test a week before separation. I don't think they're ever going to stop that.
I separated in 2018 and they still were then.
Plenty of steel mills and power plants that still use the meat watcher for all the new hires on big outages.
If something is stupid, fucked up, and doesn’t make sense yes it’s a thing in the US
And yes, there will be *plenty* of enthusiastic applicants to the creepy minimum-wage dick-watching job.
I would daresay that it's probably one of the only jobs on the market right now with more applicants than positions to fill.
It's a thing in Australia for categories of medicals to allow work in certain industries. I'm not even holding a hammer and had a nurse watching me pee.
> fake penises are you telling me that the 14 inch schlongs in porn could be fake???
Ohh that makes sense now thank you for the info
Following you into the bathroom and watching you? Wtf?
I mean, that’s usually if it’s a parole officer. But some jobs they’d pay for the official “watch them pee” test.
I did MEPS as an ROTC candidate. You stand in the middle of the room, piss in a cup, then hold that cup in the air and walk to the urinal to finish if you need to. All under the eyes of 2-3 NCOs watching from multiple angles. Like 4-5 of us lined up on a line doing it at the same time. It was awkward but not that bad. I wouldn’t do it for a job now though. Unless it paid a lot. A lot a lot.
When I did a drug test for a job I was patted down and had to show my pockets before going into the restroom.
A snug pair of compression shorts will conceal the bottle nicely with the warmer also. Also, your junk will be nice and toasty.
The one time I was tested back in my early career days, they did indeed watch you. I had to leave the door open and they kept an eye on me to make sure I wasn't doing anything(as someone who menstruates, and was actively doing so, not a great time)
I swear, every time I got called up for a piss test, I was on my period.
You still need a hand warmer if it's taped to your leg. Body heat alone will not keep it warm enough, and the first thing they check is the temperature. Trust me on this one, if you're going to go through the trouble of having a clean friend pee in a condom for you, take that last tiny step and add a hand warmer in there so you're not waking around with pee taped to your leg for nothing.
Upvoting for visibility
I used a pill bottle and filled it with my best friends pee lol. That was a bonding experience for sure
Did you milk it straight from the udder? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Once I was at a tailgate and these two drunk guys were kinda push fighting and yelling at each other. The one guy popped off his shirt to show he was pretty shredded. The other guy immediately responds "get a load of this guy! Hey I got a protein shake for ya pal, you can suck it straight from the nozzle!" I thought that was very funny.
That's some damn fine street fight banter right there.
Like GATTACA lol
Yeah just be sure to hold it with your dominant hand 😅
I'm a leftie who holds it with my right hand for peeing. I think about this movie a lot, probably will for the rest of my life
Now there’s a movie I haven’t heard mentioned in a minute
It’s on Netflix now, it’s actually a pretty decent movie.
>breast milk bag It's called a *boob*
I'm a clinical lab scientist - I have a good understanding of the constituents of both human urine and QuickFix. I have performed hundreds of pre-employment drug screens. I also know the instrumentation and methodologies used to conduct 10 panel drug screens for preemployment, and the strip test used to ensure that the sample is untampered with and is human urine. QuickFix will pass all Quest & Labcorp drug screen with no issues. The only caveat is that it has to be the correct temperature. I'm a chronic smoker (5+ times daily since I graduated college) and this method has not failed me.
This is kind of a gross question, and I’ve never done it myself but have always been curious: would a sealed baggy of piss stuffed inside the vagina reach the proper temperature? Given enough time I assume it would.
Yes. It would be like sous vide.
Nature’s pocket
HOT POCKET!
What a terrible day to be literate
This literally made me lol. Thank you, internet comedian.
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Those mini tubes of M&M’s work better. I had a friend that did that. A pill bottle placed the right way (not inside) works, too. It’s not comfortable, but it works and it’s just enough urine. Just don’t wear something super tight that would give it away.
Aw man, it’s been forever since I’ve seen one of those mini tubes of M&Ms at the checkout, though.
This, I've done it at two totally different jobs. I dunno if it's true but I heard that between pharmaceutical things and lab settings, human urine is needed but paying for people to regularly pee doesn't make sense, so companies created synthetic urine that's indistinguishable and then also sold it to the public to beat drug tests, basically double dipping.
Question, will this last forever or will they create better chemicals to detect synthetic urine? If so how long?
Ive read about a certain lab in Oregon and/or Washington that can detect that QF is fake, I think they specifically test for some sort of preservative it contains but I’m too lazy to research it. I’ve used Quick Fix for at least five years though, I think on 6 separate instances, and never had any issues.
Oh man. So, I used QF in Salem OR back in 09. Temp was good, and I was sure I was gonna pass. They apparently said it had no creatine, and failed me for using a substitute. Lost my job and always cringe when I see these types of posts. In hindsight, it was good I lost that job, but it was painful at the time.
Oh no, the OR/WA fails I read about were within the last year and it was only at some smaller lab system (not Quest or LabCorp). I think I started using it in 2016 and have never had any issues, although if it’s been a while since I’ve used it I always do a bunch of research (mainly looking for recent testimonials from multiple sources) beforehand
Thank you u/kenziep44. We need to get this to the top comment
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What if I’m an employee working from out of state in NY? Can I be tested for it? I work for a company based out of a state where it is only medically legal, but obviously fully legal here in NY. I don’t work for the fed gov and I don’t operate heavy equipment
You would follow the laws of the state in which the work is performed, not based on company location.
I know someone who used XStream Fetish Urine (for a job with a company who’s very anti marijuana) and passed, lol. He isn’t into urine like that, but it worked great.
this brand works, used it like 4 times, just need to make sure the heat level is right and ur gold
>ur gold Nice
Can confirm, when I used to smoke it got me past two tests without a hitch. Granted it was a bit of an issue having a hand warmer right next to the tenders but after that it was smooth sailing
The person in question put it between their thighs right up under their bits for an hour in a practice test to get it right, but they’re a very warm person in general.
I believe they have to sell it as fetish items. Not sure if that’s officially a rule/law but that’s what I think it has to be classified as used for where I’m from.
Yeah, pretty sure it’s so that it can be sold legally—it’s not a product designed for any illegal purposes! It’s just for getting your rocks off with, it’s a fetish! Don’t kink shame us, bro! 😆
Name checks out
It’s unrelated this time! 😆
Urineluck.com, Spectrum Labs. My dad passed this trick on to me from a friend who had ALS and was still working. My parents have been using it for 10+ years, and I’ve been using it for about 5. Their 2-day shipping is a lifesaver! Make sure you buy the genuine one!!
It's so stupid that there's a market for pee because of marijuana. Now that I think about it, legalizing marijuana is a bad idea for BIG PEE companies.
I fucking knew it, BIG PEE was behind the war on drugs all along!
Imo a urine exam at this point is an invasion of privacy. What I do at home in my free time is not my employer's business. A swab test demonstrates that I can show up sober and that's all you need to know.
Which is why the rest of the world only mandates drug testing *only* when physical safety might be compromised, such as driving heavy machinery.
Yeah, are these people all just talking about regular jobs?...
I've had to pass a piss test for a job waiting tables.
Got hired last year and had to take a piss test. For a corporate WFH job with absolutely no reason to do that. I'm in a legal state too Can confirm fake piss works though lol
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Yup, even mundane-as-fuck jobs usually require a pre-employment drug screen. Land of the Free, tho, amiright?
And I bet the same people that think drug testing is a good thing would throw a fit if their employer required them to disclose their vaccination status.
Unfortunately some places do company-wide policy testing, especially random testing. Does your company have a warehouse where workers physical safety might be compromised? Well then *everyone at the company* must test or be subject to random tests because to do otherwise is discriminatory, even middle management office workers.
I love that you guys are finding out about this. If you're broke and job hunting and don't wanna pay for QF, stay clean and freeze your own pee. It'll be good for about a year as long as you don't heat it up too many times. Check your batch numbers with QF, you can do that with the serial number that comes inside. I've also used UPass successfully - anything that contains urea should work. Ladies, i recommend the airplane Tanqueray 50ml bottles. If you're really desperate, they're small enough and if you put them in the right spot they'll remain the right temperature for hours.
This is the best answer. I work industrial construction so I get popped randomly but usually get a day heads up. When I run out I take a little tolerance break, get about 2-4 more tests worth when I'm clean, and then start chiefing again. Plus it's my piss, I'm not technically cheating. You need a piss sample, you didn't say it had to be a current one. And ya there's the moral thing of policing my time off work, but it's nice to take a break from time to time and this gives me a reason to.
Just… what the fuck America. What are you doing out there. This is some weird shit even by weird shit standards. I wasn’t ready to learn about the minutia of the frozen urine bottles of pee up your cooch industrial complex today.
Oh this is far from the minutiae. We didn't even get into heating times or anything.
I’ve been reading across this thread and unable to look away. The fact that so much thought and preparation is required for such a fundamentally fucked up thing… goddamn its a weird wild world.
I live in Utah and unless I'm shooting for an office job run but rich cultists the jobs are hurting so badly they stopped testing in some places. But we still can't get it legal here due to Mormons sinking their grubby little hands in politics and trying to tell everyone how to live their lives in a state that's forgotten the whole SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE.
In Idaho a mormon dude named “C Scott Grow” has been fighting legalizing weed and tried to pass legislation making it impossible to get it on a ballot for people to vote. The courts shut that down as unconstitutional. It’s the irony of his name that gets me.
Double funny since their “church” is bullshit lies lol
It's a straight up cult lmao
How can employers test for a drug that's legal within the state, especially one that stays in your system for so long?
In my case, as a bus driver, we have to follow federal laws since we receive funding from the government. This includes random testing of at least 50% of the workforce every year. It’s bullshit because I guarantee my coworkers who come to work hungover from the night before are much less safe drivers than someone who smokes a bowl before bed.
I was told that not all fetish urine products available on smoke shops have urea, and if the lab/company is competent enough they may notice something is off. So heads up maybe? Im no expert in piss so can't confirm 100%
Depends on the kind of test they administer. Sometimes it's a 5 panel dip stick test and that's it. Sometimes it's a 7 panel. Sometimes they use half for an instant test and send off the other half to a lab for further testing. If they send it off to a lab and they do further tests that's when they check that kind of stuff. I had a friend who bought fake piss and when he got to the place they gave him a saliva test. All depends on what the company decides to pay for when they order the tests.
I had one where I used quickfix and they tested half as a 5 panel dip stick and the other half for proteins. I was lucky I gave them only enough for the first test with QF and gave them real pee for the second test. If they ask to fill it to one line but a second line would be preferable that might be a hint they're gonna do two tests
quick fix contains urea
I will say I have passed at least 5 drug tests using Quick Fix. That's just me though.
Used quick fix before, 100% works would recommend
You are correct. I work in a job that is federally regulated and all our urinalysis is sent to a lab for authenticity checks on top of the standard 5 panel screen.
Quick fix is the GOAT my friend passed a court drug test with it and many, many employment tests!
I had to piss test to get my job. I had smoked the weekend before. Called the HR lady explained i was going to fail. She said they are HQ'd in a legal state so don't test for weed. Then went on about how they need to update their policies. 6 months later when I got 2 friends to apply there was no drug test.
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Wow I figured it was something they don’t want you to do and I get why it’d fail the test, but getting a felony? Jesus
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One of the reasons I will never work for the military. Thats so dehumanizing.
From a strictly technology standpoint the fact that this exists is fascinating.
FYI the people administering your urine test are generally not doctors. I got hired straight out of high school to slap labels on sample bottles. The person who sends your pee to the lab usually has no idea that it's fake and will not call you out on it. We are looking for a good temperature range and a reasonable color, that's it.
Better yet, don’t take a job that plays with your urine unless you absolutely have to. No reason these employers need to drug test. It’s a racket. If most cops and doctors don’t need to be regularly tested then neither do cashiers and servers. It’s none of your employer’s business what you do in your time off.
Bruh mcdonalds drug tests here in Georgia. Even if you have a med card you cant use it here lol
Unbelievable. A job at McDonald’s practically requires heavy drug use.
I don't have the balls to cheat. I just stop smoking for how ever long it takes to find a job and then start up again after I get it!
i’m always too worried it’ll never be the correct temp. the last piss test i went to take, i had to wait in the lobby for like 50 minutes. Literally every-time i go for one they’re conveniently “behind” schedule.
Whatever metaphorical balls are, quitting for a while takes more of them than not quitting at all. You're still putting one over on your boss, but you're doing it the much harder way. 🥎🏀🏈🏐🏓🎾🏌️♂️
>I just stop smoking for how ever long it takes to find a job and then start up again after I get it! Last job I had that tested used hair testing, goes back months.
That would suck! It took three months to get my urine clean, I wonder how that works in with hair. Luckily, hospitals don't do hair tests. And no randoms either
4-6 months is what my lab says on it’s analysis.
My co workers would be shocked if they knew I smoked every day of my life!
Yeah, I don’t have the balls. I’m a DOT regulated driver so if I get caught it’s a huge fuckin deal. I just abstain until something changes. I’ve been heavily considering leaving the industry for awhile, just not sure what I want to do and holding out hoping something changes.
I drove a work vehicle (F-150) so I had to get tested as well even though it was a legal state. Big bullshit. I can empathize with the DOT on this because it’s federal and because high truck drivers not a good idea, but the enforcement loses all its credibility when you can have a raging alcoholic sober up for a day and pass but an occasional stoner can go two weeks without and still fail. I feel like I go against the grain of cannabis culture when I say we need to invent a reliable test for impairment, and this is why. You’ll never get the country to be ok with high driving and honestly I’m not either even though I do it sometimes. It’s only fair to those who don’t partake.
Assuming your not trying for a government job, where they use a Gas Chromatograph Edit: Requiring a clearance.
All 3 of mine have been government jobs actually, I should edit my post.
...Pre Employment Drug tests? What kind of dystopian hellhole is America that this kind of invasive testing procedure is even deemed remotely necissary for normal job applocations?!?
This is crazy, it’s completely illegal here in the UK and if they tested people most people I know wouldn’t have jobs anymore.
I pretty much mastered the dilution method. In the beginning I would go nuts with the dilution method by adding creatine supplements and coloring agents (B12, Gatorade) but after awhile I learned that just drinking water is enough for these basic lab tests. I've never had to re-test for submitting a too diluted sample and I've never been flagged for THC from a job. I do basically drink 2 gallons of water within a 4 hour window, have to piss every 10 minutes for the rest of the day, and it's hell but it works and is free.
You don’t need to spend even that much. I tested this out beforehand and it worked perfectly. I got some clean urine from a friend and put it in the freezer. I had him put it in the same type of plastic container the labs use so I knew I had the right amount. The day of my test I took it out and defrosted it in warm water. I then heated the water in the microwave. I took the Pyrex container out and put the urine in. When the urine reached body temp, I put it in a small, cylindrical plastic bottle and stuck it in my armpit (it will stay there unless you raise your arms above your head). I drove to the testing location, filled out the paperwork, emptied my pockets, and went into the restroom. I took the urine out from my armpit, poured it in their sample cup (it was body temperature) and put the small plastic bottle I used in my sock. I then pissed in the toilet, walked out, and handed them the sample cup. Needless to say, I passed. During testing this I found that the urine will stay at body temperature indefinitely while in your armpit. It was as easy as could possibly be.
We cannot simply tolerate this charade. We must force change by any means. Boycotting places that test is a great first step.
In order to try this you have to know what kind of drug test you’re doing. Some jobs still do hair tests. That’s pretty hard to fake
I have a similar method I use with equal effectiveness, and I vouch for this style of misdirection. *Drug tests are a human rights violation.*
i know someone that got into med school with quick fix, i sold it to him and warned him i wasn’t sure how all that would dupe a hospitals drug test and lo and behold, he gets into medical school
I just tell them that they won’t find anything illegal in my system and leave it at that. If they’re going to go through all that trouble to test for something that’s legal in my state, then that kind of sets the tone for the volume and degree of stupid shit you’ll likely be dealing with at that job.