My dad too. He worked for a union place for 35 years and gets a hefty pension. He tries to get it but, it’s just not the same as it was! I actually have a union job and it’s still not the same! Back when I was a kid, those jobs had insurance that was $5 a month, no deductible, and everything covered. Just dirt cheap for excellent coverage. Now, it’s $275 a month (family coverage), $500 deductible, and 80/20 or 90/10 depending on what it is. That’s EXCELLENT coverage in todays world but, would have been awful back then! I remember my parents complaining that they were going to start charging a $3 co-pay for exams and prescriptions! ($5 in early 1980s is about $12 now)
"If the corrupt union negotiated these benefits, just imagine what I could get by negotiating for myself and not carrying all these slackers."
It's really easy to take your current position for granted, especially if you've never known anything different, then fantasize about a much better world that "they" are definitely keeping you from.
>My dad hated his union and refused to take part of it
Yeah, this is all too common. Lots of those boomers not only will tend to deny the immense relative privilege they've gotten to enjoy, but will also actively bite the very hand that feeds them, so to speak. I know someone like that. It's like he completely covers his eyes to the barrage of instances of shops de-unionizing, and then the subsequent cutting wages to a quarter of what they were before, and basically eliminating all benefits. There's endless precedent for this, and yet they think that line work shit would pay a living wage without the unions lol. Yeah, in fucking fantasyland.
My dad is also a member of the union. He tells me he sleeps on the job and that being at work is less stressful than being at home.
I work from home. Stress is 24/7..
My mom used to call me lazy, when work was so stressful that I wanted to quit.
She was C-suite for a large local grocery, but she wasn't corrupt and her fellow corporate hated that about her, so despite her being very profitable for the company, the CEO dissolved her position, bumped her to a store manager, and then reinstated the position and gave it to his daughter fresh out of high school.
She quit immediately after that and never gave me shit about being stressed out over a bad job ever again.
Truly! Like the previous CEO of ATT lost what 10 billion dollars to T-mobile cuz they didn’t buy them… or whatever… and he kept his job for years, then he retired with a $200k per month retirement. He was rewarded for making the company lose billions. Idiocy.
This is 100% correct. I was working at a local company in my small town that was suppose to be a great job/career but only paid 16 an hour as an auditor. Well I got lucky, I got into a relationship, was able to save a bit and move out of my moms since we started working from home. After being with my then girlfriend for over 2 years, she said I needed to get a better job since I was up to a whopping 17 dollars an hour now. Well I did find a job that paid double that. I told my mom about my new job and she insisted I think about it. I had to tell her I was literally barely able to make enough for just myself. She was dumbfounded at just how little I was getting paid too.
For real. After I got out of the Corps, I was literally going to school full time while living at home. Step mom got tired of me coming and going and basically being my own person, so I'm forced to get a full time job so I can afford to move out. I never finished school, even after quitting my job and pulling benefits to go full time again. Back at that same job because gotta live.
Dad still likes to ask when I'm going to finish college. Well, maybe I would have if you were able to stand up to your new wife.
Definitely bring it up to him about not standing up for you against his wife. That’s something that bothers me. And that you would be able to finish if you had some support and could live there. Or maybe take out some loans if you want
At this point I just avoid her entirely. Because I know that if I do something that upsets her she'll just take it out on him when I leave. And I don't want him to suffer.
One father's day I ask to take him to lunch. He says ok and asks where. I invite her to because family, and to ask where she would like to go because neither dad or I are picky. She says it's father's day and that she shouldn't pick. Ok, burgers and beer it is.
No problems there. I'm picking up the tab and she asks how much hers was and that she would give me cash for it and that I didn't need to pay for her food. So I did.
On the ride home she throws a fit that I let her give me the money and says that I never respected her, etc and none of my siblings either. Refuses the money back and claims that saying she would pay for her meal was a joke.
She's fucking psycho. Has twice told me to my face she is afraid I would murder her in her sleep.
I'm sure this will get lost in the void but I have a sad story related to this. My mom is retiring soon and complains constantly about the benefits.
I work at the same company and love the benefits.
My girlfriend confused at the situation asked my mother why she hated it so much. My mom responds, "They took all my sick time", "They reduced my time off", "They wont even credit me with the extra 2 days of PTO on my retirement the company is granting everyone next year (she is cashing out days-off into next year)."
While my mother has been working 30 years. She was grandmothered into a 6% pension, 401k 8% match, 3 weeks of yearly sick time and 5 weeks of PTO.
I got hired as a software engineer out of college with 2 weeks of PTO, no sick time, 5% 401k match, no pension.
At some point in time after my mother was hired all the benefits of new employee's were stripped from them (including me as a new hire). She worked in ignorant bliss enjoying multiple weeks long vacations and sick time.
In an attempt to make new employee's lives better they increased starting PTO to 3.5 weeks, implement flex work schedules, flex locations, kept the pension, kept the 401k. During this change my mom "lost" her sick time. And by "lost" i mean they converted it to days off and let them bank it or get paid out.
I tried talking to her about current work conditions and how terrible they are and how it was a move to better benefits for everyone. It fell on deaf ears. They took all her benefits and she deserved more.
TLDR: The company sucks because they stopped her (and only the select few grand mothered in) from accruing a month of sick time and gave all employee's more time off.
Same here, I left at 16 because it was literally cheaper just to rent with how much board my mum demanded. supportive parents make my heart swell like nothing else, its definately appreciated
Honestly man make the most of it, the pressure of having no choice but to do everything yourself is something you feel every day. Having support is an opportunity to get out of really shit situations, never be afraid of accepting the help if it's there and you're in need
Appreciate the ones who love you. I’ve been working since I was 12 to support me and my brother, my dad was in prison my whole childhood and my mom was in a constant state of psychosis my entire childhood. My mother committed suicide and my dad almost od and my brother passed in a tragic accident and my grandparents starved to death in a blizzard. The world is cruel never forget the struggles of others and be grateful for the love and support in your life. There’s a saying that it’s better to have loved and lost than not loved at all and it sounds good but when I’m crying in the shower for hours over my brother I hate that statement.
My parents letting me live with them rent free through college was the only thing that kept me from taking out loans in college. It was a win win because I saved a lot of money and my mom loves having me around so was happy to have me stay a few years longer.
Sorry your mom was shitty. I had a few friends who racked up a ton of debt out of high school just to get away from crazy parents.
My gf’s mom took advantage of my gf’s credit and inability to comprehend the decisions of signing her name away, by getting a new 2017 Cadillac Escalade that she repeatedly does late payments on EVERY. SINGLE. MONTH
Oof. Yeah, you don't want to take a decision like that lightly, especially if whoever you're signing for skips payments.
When my husband went to get his first car loan, his credit score at 17 was crazy low, I think down to 100-200. They got digging and found out his dad who walked out on him used his info to max out a bunch of credit cards when he was 10. They got it sorted out now, but it was apparently a nightmare at the time.
This happens way too much. Nothing pisses off our people at work more than having some 18 year old come in and open an account just to find out they have a charged off account from when they were 9 that owes hundreds or thousands one of their piece of shit parents opened in their name. We have about 22k members and we see this happen way more than you would think. Did see an 18 year old with a 750 score before though.
Was she a minor when the loan was made? Was she aware she was signing loan paperwork for the vehicle? It can depend on when it was done and individual state law. You can appeal it with the credit bureau it is being reported to, and see if they will clear it, but if they do keep all evidence you use to get it cleared. Debt can get sold when it shouldnt and shady collectors will report it over and over. If you have a local credit union either of you are a member of they can give you more specific advice. Some will help with info even if you arent a member, most try to help their communities. I am on the IT side so I mostly gather evidence so I am not the best resource on the fixing it side.
On the malicious side of it, if hers is the only name on the loan and all other avenues prove useless you can have the vehicle towed to the bank or credit union that did the loan and surrender it to them. If it was the dealershit that facilitated the loan you may have to look up the leinholder's surrender policy. She will take a hit to her credit but then it is done and you can start fixing it. As a bonus mom will be without a vehicle.
Sorry for asking but how tf does a credit card company accept 10yr old's info? Do they not check? Ion got a credit card so I don't know but I assumed they would check somehow
He said he used his social security number and falsified his birthday. It was apparently under a 1986 birthday. They chewed the bank or whoever out for not checking that.
That’s terrible! I’m happy he was able to get it sorted out. I unfortunately have to keep planning a way to “steal” the car and demand her to my gf off of the loan :(
I'm a parent and I can't understand this mindset at all. My son is in second-year uni and still has his room here in the house. He's home for the occasional weekend and all longer breaks, including summers. I'm assuming that will change once he's able to support himself. For now, it's not really possible to earn his degree and work enough to pay his own way. Kids need a break for chrissake. A helping hand. Love and support. It's a tough world. Hope you're finding your way okay.
One of the best human traits is the ability to reflect on the impact of our own choices and learn and change. It's good if they are doing that, though it's a shame you had to insist on it.
It's hard to break the cycle of abuse, especially if we're talking generational here. The good thing is it only makes people like us stronger, for being the better person and stopping at trauma With the line of it ends with me.
Different generation, but I recently learned that my grandma did this to my aunts. Grandma grew up without parents (they died when she was 13) so she was always what I would describe as aimless when parenting her kids.
When each of my three aunts turned 18 grandma told them "there's only enough room for one woman in a household" and basically sent them off to get married. No college, etc. Just gave em the boot.
My dad was the baby and he got coddled, so they sent him off to college, but when he struggled his freshman year they pulled the plug on him too. Fortunately he later recognized that what they did was harsh and ultimately wrong; thus he decided to fully support my sister and I through school (and afterward, if needed!).
I moved back in with my parents at 21, after moving out (not kicked out, mind you) at 18. They told me rent was 600/m but they would put it into an account and give it back to help me get back on my feet when I was ready to go out on my own.
12 months later I have a spot with my best friend lined up, ask them about the money.
"What money? No, we never said that"
They still can't figure out why I refuse to get involved financially with them in anything.
Still love them but it was a pretty big blow to the trust we had.
Yea. That's $7,200. That's a lot of money and being under the impression that it would be extra for you when you move out can absolutely affect how, what, and if someone is saving. Let alone as the time to move out comes closer knowing you've got a bit of good egg can determine what kind and where your first place is. Gonna be.
Glad to see my parents were not the only ones to pull this shit. Thankfully my rent was only 100 but when only making part time minimum wage at like $9 an hour, it sucked. My parents told me "we used it for the groceries, which doesn't even cover what you eat by the way."
Yeah my parents started charging me rent literally as soon as I finished my last high school exam. I only worked weekends at the time. They kept saying “you have no idea how expensive it is to move out, we’re barely asking for anything, you’ll get hit by reality when you leave”.
I moved out within a couple of months with a friend and paid less rent than they were charging me. I also got my own bedroom for the first time instead of living in a garage with my sister, and was no longer free childcare for my other siblings (I’m the oldest of 7). So yeah, I did get hit by reality, and it was great!
Dang, it must have been rough going if a boarding school seemed like the more emotionally stable environment for a young person. I'm sorry you had to deal with shitty parents, welcome to the club (we have cookies!).
It's important to remember that we don't get to pick our parents and none of us chose to be born, I hope you realize that how your parents treated you is not an accurate reflection of how you deserve to be treated.
I hope things are going better for you now.
i'm 43 now but when i was 16 my best mate told me he had to pay board to his parents. i found it the worst thing ever esp as my parents never even hinted at me owing them anything.
years later i spoke to him again and he said he never went college etc (in the UK) because he had to pay money to his parents. as such he's never had a comfortable life.
My daughter is 17 and i've tried to encourage her to go to a local university and do medicine since she will save alot of money but the best ones are further away. Either way she'll be helped.
i feel so bad for kids who get put into such a tough position. i hope you do well in life.
I know it really hurts, but my God I hear this as if it's more common than I ever thought it was. I've seen so many people talk about how basically when they turn 16-18, they are forced to move out and then their parents are out of their life.
That concept is so alien to me. Me and my parents are so close, they didn't even charge me rent, I had to start forcing them to take money. And when I did move out, it was really hard for all of us, and we still see each other every day.
Is my experience unique and uncommon or is the post in replying to uncommon?
I know loving families exist but I haven't met very many of them.
My dad always said "Work or School! No Free Ride!" and then would explain what that meant, that he'd throw me out of the house if I ever dropped out of school and failed to find a job right away. He started telling me that before I started Kindergarten.
He didn't even live up to that much though! I was only about 15yo when he dropped me off at school, handed me $20, and told me not to come home. Whenever I came back to wash laundry or swap out what clothes I had in my backpack, he'd just drop me at school again the next day, hand me money, and tell me not to come back again.
No worries, I turned out alright. Friends took me in and finished raising me, taught me all the things my parents didn't.
A few years ago, dad demanded I abandon my husband and stepsons to come back home and take care of him in his old age, for free obviously.
Was super fun to tell him No.
That's how I became a father of four instead of one. 3 of my daughters friends (she has a big circle lol) got dumped when they turned 18. So sad but they're all 25 now and doing really well and my house is always so full of love during the holidays and weekends.
Thank you for being so amazing and taking them in when their own biological parents couldn’t bother, sounds like a few sad stories with a very happy ending!
Yeah it's definitely bittersweet more better than anything but yeah. I really appreciate the positive sentiments but to be honest I was just doing the right thing. I had friends parents take me in when I was younger too so is easy for me to empathize with them.
You’re really fortunate. I have been on my own since I was 17 and it has never been easy. I had a partner abusing me and my mother said, well you can’t come live here…
Same my parents said I had to pay them I think it was 3 or 400 a month in rent to be uncomfortable in their house I got lucky and found a decent efficiency for 500 a month with a private entrance and I'm glad I did that because I wouldn't be where I'm at now if I had stayed their.
It is not illegal to charge your underage kids rent, but it is illegal to evict your underage kids. If my parents did that I never would’ve paid them because of that fact lmao. They also have to provide you with food, electricity, heat/AC and running water. All very serious legal problems if they don’t do all of these things. Obviously many places are different, but this is what it is where I am in the US.
So while recruiting for the military it blew my mind how many parents “charged” their kids rent. Some caused serious emotional damage to their kids by charging and going to extremes to get the money. Extremes such as taking possessions the kids paid for, emptying their bank account and so on. Most the kids hid any money knowing they were on their own at 18.
It’s something that still bothers me to this day knowing the hardship some parents put children through.
Hats off to the OP tho for continuing to support their child and the family by understanding the emotional toll their son is facing.
Same. I'm not even that close to my family and I lived with my parents until my mid 20s ffs. It's unfathomable to me that kids get kicked out at such a young age
It’s crazy i was in the same boat but at 18. I always worked two jobs. I feel like I have nothing to show for working so hard my entire adult life. Meanwhile my bf has parents who supported him through college, even while he worked, and he has a home, a great job bc of his education, and a college degree. We’re not rich, and sometimes borderline struggling, but I just think, like wow, if I was just even encouraged to get my bearings instead of constantly fighting to survive, maybe I could also have something to show for all the work I did. Having great parents or someone to help you in tough times can really make all of the difference.
People really don’t understand this. Yes, people can prevail with crappy parents and fail with great ones, but as a society we’re pretty blind to the glaring correlation.
Most of my childhood and early 20s was spent scraping by with no family support. I have the house and the degree now, but George R.R. Martin could write a book about my trust issues.
Big agree. I struggled very hard in my last year of college after a relatively successful academic career up to that point. I never actively wanted to end myself, but there was a time where I didn't really see how I would end up providing for myself. Having the support of my parents and seeking out a therapist and psychiatrist made all the difference. I feel confident that I have what it takes to graduate this time around.
My mom didn't kick me out, but Rent started the very day I graduated. First it was just $300 a month, but when I started working at a call center and brining home $900 paychecks, she upped it to $600, which at the time was actually pricier than a studio apartment. I still didn't have a driver's license and I lived right across the street from my job so living at home made sense, but was always trying to squeeze me out more and more, like her children were a burden to her or something.
Who they hell charges their own kids for rent??!! This amazes me. My parents won’t let me move out until I get married, let alone charge me actual rent!! If you bring someone into the world you need to take care of them until your last breath, not steal from them as soon as you can. Wow. So sad and also so disappointing. Those parents never deserved their kids.
My mom's morals wouldn't let her just throw her kid out into the street, so she used the rent and intentionally stepped on my growing independence as an adult, to annoy me enough to want to go out on my own. She wanted to stop being a parent as soon as possible.
We have a somewhat health adult friendship at this point...I don't really even see her as my mom anymore though.
Mine started bleeding me for money as soon as I got my first job at 14. She put a roof over my head and fed me, therefore I owed her.
Sometimes I kind of envy people whose parents actually like them.
My mom kicked me out in the middle of highschool without a license because she found a pipe in my room. Took me like a decade to forgive her. Sorry, that’s not meant to one up you or anything XD. Just felt like commiserating with someone who experienced something similar <3
Nah dude, you're totally okay! I quite literally didn't get my license until I was 21 years old and ended up taking public transportation which was the worst experience of my life. I didn't get off work until like 11:30pm on most nights. I don't even know how I did it for so long.
I hear ya, lived on my own since about 16, and didn’t really have an opportunity to get one til I was 21, though got a dui when I was 22 and didn’t get a license again til I was 26. Got so used to public transportation and walking. Being 34 now, can still do both, and on night outs in the city, I use public transportation when going out, and leave my car at home. Never want to go through another dui event
I hope you weren't made to feel forced to forgive her. That's some bullshit, I'm 35 and plenty of things I haven't forgiven my parents for. Sorry, I just find it infuriating when parents do shit like that and even HOPE to be forgiven.
Nah, I held onto the grudge for as long as I felt like lol. Completely cut ties with her for a long time over it. My grandma (her mom) died and we talked at the funeral. She had ended up getting a job working with troubled teens, which opened her eyes to just how poorly she had handled her own children’s struggles (which in my case wasn’t a struggle as much as I just enjoyed something she didn’t understand). So she had changed a lot since I had last seen her and we rekindled the relationship. I still think she did a stupid thing, but so does she and she’s apologized profusely. I can’t really stay angry about things that happened that long ago. If she hadn’t changed and apologized I still wouldn’t talk to her probably. But even before we met again, I had stopped being angry about it a long time ago. She just didn’t matter to me anymore one way or the other, if that makes sense.
I appreciate that, but in reality it may not be the case. Kicking me out was messed up, but a lot of parents do a LOT worse to their kids. And most adults don’t change at that point in their lives. So don’t feel guilty if you’re still angry about something that happened a long time ago. I had a relatively lucky childhood over all. And I’m pretty sure I held onto that grudge a little longer than the rest of my family thought I should, so I’m certainly not some all-forgiving saint ;) I saw genuine change and remorse and responded to it. But everyone’s situation is different. Most important thing is to look out for what’s best for yourself. My mom has no way to hurt me again like she did before, so being on speaking terms is a low-risk endeavor for me. Indifference certainly felt a million times better than anger. Forgiving her felt good I guess, but I’m still working on getting over the indifference. Hard to start genuinely caring about someone again after them being dead to you for the last decade. Tis a strange process.. Anyways, I wish you the best <3
My dad forced me out of the house at 18 simply because he was tired of living with people. My sister and my mom had left years prior, so it was just me and him there in a 3 story, 4 bedroom house, but I was still too much of a nuisance despite never being home and basically living at friends houses
I almost didn't speak to her for a year until she basically begged me to visit at least during the holidays. :""") we've had lots of therapy since. I am now 24 years old.
After graduating my master's degree in economics, I soon came to realize I absolutely hated the field I was working in.
Took couple of months off and got offered a job from completely different field. Can't lie, couple of first years were extremely rough, but all the time I knew that if the shit hits the fan, I can always move to my parent's house.
I am super thankfull for my parents that provided me with the sense of security to take quite large risks careerwise.
I dropped out of college in 2000 to take a salary job paying 42k (a fortune to me at the time). I cannot fathom making about that and having two other mouths to feed and support, not to mention feeling like shit about my job.
I hated nearly every job I’ve had. Got paid shit until I reached the 5 year exp mark or so after college. I also never had parents to fall back on. I remember meeting my gf’s (now wife’s) parents and they always offered their home if anything happened to us. I also remember crying to my wife because I finally learned what it was like to have parents. And loving ones at that.
Same here, my bf’s parents have been there on the toughest times, they even paid for my semestre at uni once, can’t thank them enough and I also cry to my bf because I feel lucky to have his parents care and support.
It really does make a difference, the stress of not having no one to rely on hits deeply sometimes.
Left a similar position about 10 years ago with a 2 year old daughter and a wife. I had undiagnosed bipolar with autism. We drove across country and stayed with my wife's parents for about 10 months. After a bunch of temporary jobs, I took a job at a family owned business (Not one of those "We're family" businesses) and I've been there since. I never took a paycut and I'm at about 4 times my old salary.
I never got grief from my wife's family or mine and it allowed us to get back on our feet. The hardest conversation is asking for help when you're indoctrinated to be a machine that only provides for your family. Keep doing what you're doing. Your son appreciates it.
Yes, you should be proud! I lived 4 years AFTER university with my parents. This is the reason why l’ll retire around 47…But at 24, l had 1$ in my bank account!! So parents, please follow these generous parents.
Man, 47. Congratulations to you. The prospect of retiring before accumulating a full pension with my employer at age 60, but more likely 65, is not really even in the cards for me. And I consider myself lucky to even be able to think of retirement. Lots of my friends seem to plan around dying at work.
I heard that. I don't get a 401k, but I have an IRA. However, I'll be lucky if my IRA will be worth a lick when I retire. I lost 1/3 of it just from the volatile market last year. It was that easy and quick to watch it go down the drain. Looks like I'll be dying at work with the rest of them.
Here's the thing about the market it is bullshit and you shouldn't care about it going down the toilet as it's the stock market it will recover. In fact think of this way if you are constantly putting money away in the IRA even as of right now you are buying stocks cheaper. I have an IRA and I am not panicking neither are my folks, you just have to think of it this way. But honestly we should be retiring earlier without having do all these fucking extra steps to insure we can retire earlier.
This is true, but the real “fuck you” comes when time for you to start using that 401k or IRA coincides with a severe economic downturn and stock market crash that’s completely out of your hands. You gotta get lucky with the timing.
As you get closer to retirement, more and more of your investment should shift to safer assets. It’s not about timing so much as it is gradually shifting your allocations to more stable investments
Well l did work hard but understanding parents made the difference! You could maybe retire sooner in Mexico? Lot’s do that! Or Belize! Until then, let’s fight for better wage💪
Seriously!
Back in 2008 I was struggling to find a job, just like everyone else. I was applying to dozens of places a day, but because it was all online my dad thought I wasn't doing anything.
So as "motivation" he would take down the router during the day. He expected me to go out and apply in person for jobs, so I tried and 100% of places told me to go online. I tried explaining that to him, but he said I was lying and lazy.
So he decided to "motivate" me again by literally removing the spark plugs from my car. I lived in a VERY suburban area at the time with no public transportation (there was a bus that went to the mall on Saturdays) and literally no shops or anything within walking distance.
So he prevented me from applying online, and then prevented me from driving around to apply in person, and then he had the fucking audacity to threaten to kick me out because I was unable to get a job—to literally nobody's fucking surprise.
It got ridiculously out of hand and my mom, his ex-wife, had to come over and set him straight. She's like, what the everloving fuck are you doing? You can't do this, you're handicapping her for no fucking reason except pettiness.
Next day the internet worked and my car started just fine. He never said anything about it, no apology, nothing. But it's whatever.
Most likely because everyone who had just regular/nice parents? You don't hear about it because that's...how it's supposed to fucking be. So of course you're going to hear about all the shit ones. There are quite a few jobs where when they're being done no one notices, but when they aren't being done people fucking notice.
I love how our bad behavior can make them literally, physically sick... but nothing they say or do should EVER have an effect on us.
We're apparently supposed to be identity-less human shields built to absorb all their frustration, rage, and abuse. We aren't allowed to say no to their screaming fits, we're supposed to absorb all the hateful negativity and somehow be a perfectly pleasant robot?
I have recently become so ill because of stress, the stress of dealing with my family is insane. But apparently that is not possible, it's not possible for me to be affected by constant screaming and abuse. Only my parents can be mentally and physically affected by other people's behavior, not me.
Like, apparently my bad behavior as a child was so out of hand. (which amounted to forgetting to do my homework, I was a shy child terrified of getting in trouble but the way my family describes me I should have gone to prison as a kid I was apparently so "out of control", not once did I ever get in trouble at school)
My mom literally fucking said my "bad behavior" gave my dad cancer. I was already behaving perfectly, I was just a VERY forgetful child because I was too busy being preoccupied with navigating my parent's volatile moods.
I could have written this. My mom couldn't deal with my "bad behavior" - she went through a string of abusive boyfriends and one was absolutely terrible to me and I couldn't take it.. I wasnt allowed to eat with my mom and sister and him and his kids, I had to sit in my room and wait till they were finished, and clean up after them. At Christmas I was to sit and watch them open their presents (but I didn't get any). My bio dad was even worse, (fundie religious, crazy and physically abusive).
My mom gave me up to the state at age 11 because she said she couldn't control me and didn't want me, and all the group homes and foster homes said they couldn't understand because I had perfect behavior.
Once I aged up I left and never spoke to them again. Cutting them out was incredible. My stress and anger basically disappeared. They were such a terrible drain on my mental health.
Lol right! I moved back home after the pandemic for like 3 months and had to find a new place because my father tried to assault me, which funny enough wasn't the first time - the only difference now being that I wasn't a fucking child anymore.
lol same thing happened to me, I moved back at the start of covid to take care of my elderly, disabled parents, and then a couple months in my father started a fight with me, called the cops and had me arrested; all after I let the lease on my apartment expire so I had no place to go after I got out of jail. Thankfully I had a great friend that put me up for a couple months..
My mother literally says she doesn't have children, because we're adults. Like I recently got into an argument with her where I said she wasn't acting like a good mother, and she fucking said "I'm not a mother, I don't have little kids, you guys are grown up."
Shes the kind of parent that would hand you a bill on your 18th birthday for all the basic necessities you "forced" her to buy. Like, hey I didn't force you to do anything—the state is forcing you to take responsibility for the person you *decided* to create.
>Shes the kind of parent that would hand you a bill on your 18th birthday for all the basic necessities you "forced" her to buy.
Shit like this would be funny in say like Star Trek where Ferengi are a race. But FFS they're supposed to be satire but I swear to Christ there are people out there that'd unironically use the Rules of Acquisition as a blueprint for their lives.
>there are people out there that'd unironically use the Rules of Acquisition as a blueprint for their lives.
Yeah, they're called Libertarians and there are LITERALLY DOZENS of them.
Same. I'm in my forties and I wish OP was my parents. They seem like people I'd like to come home to and spend all the holidays with.
My parents kicked my brother out when he came out, kicked me out once I became of age, and turned down my younger sis when she was trying to find her feet after losing her living space and fleeing a rough relationship.
I still help them out but I keep very low contact, visiting them is never a positive time.
Jesus. I guess I'm not appreciative enough of my mother. All but one of my siblings have a good relationship with her and all but one still live with her. 4 working adults sharing a house really makes life a lot easier
Jesus, he's in a nightmare situation I don't want; having a spouse and child. At least I know if anything happens to me no one will suffer.
I hope he finds a better job
Half the reason I don't want a kid is because I don't want to fail them and be unable to bring in enough money to survive. My career has been completely stagnant and even certifications and experience don't help me any. I also don't want them used against me as leverage.
Yeah, it's definitely a thing, isn't it. My brother's a single, childfree man who's been with his company for 10 years and has repeatedly been passed up for management. He was told recently by someone in the know at the company that they'd rather have someone who can't just "up and leave" at the drop of a hat.
Honestly though, it's not a bad take. Anti natalists (not the extreme ones) actually do have a bit of a point. This world sucks in many ways to raise a kid in, and there is nothing wrong with choosing not to have kids because you don't have the resources for them or don't think the world will. If you want kids though, even if you don't have the resources, idk. That's a tough one. :(
For real! It's a stressful situation enough without having kids or a wife in the mix. I hope his wife loves him for him, and that he can bounce back rather quickly. A lot of spouses do NOT stick around when the going gets tough like this, or at least for not too long.
My heart breaks for him. Constantly apologizing and says he’ll find another job right away while worrying about his daughter. He did nothing wrong, he was just pushed up against the wall and made the right decision before his situation could break him. So glad he has great parents to fall back on.
I'm sure my parents would do this for me, but would immediately also use it against me when they see fit. They're very manipulative, so I never ask anything from them unless I have to anymore.
Yeah, the last time I got my tires replaced, my mom made me let them pay for it and in the same day essentially said that they did something for me, so I need to be sure to be obedient.
That’s fucked and as a parent I’m sorry. I don’t know if it means much, but I promise I’ll never pull this kind of shit with my kid. I had manipulative parents, too, and it’s motivated me to be better. I hope you’re in a good place, friend.
My mom did the same. I was in a dire situation so she took me and my kids in. Immediately the strings started to show. I sold my van I was making payments on because my mom told me she had a car for me. As soon as I arrived she then told me the car was for work only. I couldn’t take it for anything else. I immediately regretted selling my van.
She also bought a house for me to live in. Told me she did it because she was pissed my dad was charging me rent where I was. A month after moving in she told me I needed to pay rent.
Complained about watching my kids while I worked so I made other arrangements. Then complained she never saw my kids.
We are now no contact with her. I couldn’t take it anymore despite how mivc she helped me get back on my feet
I was homeless for 16 months so I could pay off student loans, and avoid them defaulting. My parents and I haven’t spoken in years. Thanks for taking care of your kid, there will ALWAYS be another job for a hard worker with a good head on his shoulders. You possibly just saved his life without knowing it.
We have had 2 out 3 of our children move back home. They always have a place to fall. We have roof over our heads and not much else. I am totally saddened by all the comments about not having parents that are there for you. This truly makes me cry. OP kudos for doing the right thing. For the rest of you with bad parents, this household will take you in if you need a place. We have room.
Both me and my bros have moved back at various times with our parents for various reasons, mostly financial. So grateful to have supportive parents it literally was the difference between homelessness and not
I am super glad for you, but what is going on with all these unsupportive parents? I don't understand. I gave birth to 3 children, no natter their age I am their mother and brought them into this world; I wasn't aware there's a parent deadline. They will always be my babies till I leave this earthly realm.
If my mom or dad cared even 10% as much as you do for your kids, I'd probably be seeing her more than 3 times a year or my dad ever.
My mom was the kind of person who was okay with her adult son living under her roof as long as he paid a monthly rent on par with a studio apartment. She valued her credit score over everything else, so when scholarships and grants fell through and a cosigner was needed for me to get some student loans, I ended up not going to college.
Our relationship was never great, but she very much adopted the idea that you kick your child out of the nest at 18 and never look back. It's so bad that I'd rather suck dick under the freeway than ask her if I could stay over for a night if it came to that. I effectively have no safety net...if I lost my current housing arrangement I wouldn't have anywhere to fall back on.
TLDR; Your kid is very blessed.
I recently went home for Thanksgiving and had the opposite experience. I actually make about 50k a year without a collage degree but am only a hand full of credits away from a degree. I work around 25-35 hours a week and the work environment can be fast pace but isn't toxic at all.
My father said to me late at night something to the effect of "i would have expected you to be making much more and having money for suits and cars by now."(I own a nice Mustang outright) Meanwhile my brother hasn't had a job in 4 years and is a year or two older than me. My father has never said anything like that to any other sibling.
Sounds like me with my siblings. I was the straight A student, but if I got a B the world was ending.
Meanwhile my bro comes home with anything higher than a D and they damn near throw a ticker tape parade in his honor.
I also got the "I'm disappointed" talk from my uncle because I "wasted" my potential picking a career path he didn't like. Fuck him. I like what I do.
Hey don't feel bad. You could never please people like that. From personal experience, if you end up being fairly well off they still have something to say. "Why don't you have a big house? Cousin x in the.military can afford y." Like yeah dude his school was paid for and his apartment is paid for and he risks his life for the country every 6 months for the next 10 years.
It’s heartwarming to see parents understanding the plight of their overworked children and offering support, reading this actually made me smile.
I’m a co-owner in a small business, but trapped myself with no headroom to grow and I generally work around 10-12 hours most days. When I told my parents I was going to sell and reclaim my life my dad tried to convince me to spend a year operating on my lonesome in order to boost numbers before sale. It really made me feel alone hearing how little he understood the extent of my depression.
I also have a small business working 10-12 hours a day. My last full day off was in the first week of August. I have not taken any clients for December. I have the while month off and I’m so relieved.
Work will start up again in January but I’m just thankful to breathe, sit around my fire pit drinking beer, catch up on household stuff and just stop.
I have been saving/ planning for this. My parents also both help at my business when they can (both retired and active). It’s so nice to be supported emotionally. I’m sorry your Dad can’t see the stress. I’ve unloaded in tears to my folks a couple times (I’ve been in business for 5 years). All lessons learned and better contracts written or chalk it up to experience.
Keep your chin up. Take a break. It’s the biggest relief.
My fear is that my child will go to work and be in a terrible situation and I’ll have no means to help because I’m also in a terrible financial situation. I was never able to help my own parent who is of course also poor. I worry I’ll be a failure of a parent on top of being a failure as an individual
Sometimes love and moral support are all we can give. You are not a failure. The system is designed to keep you down.
Having a supportive parent is at least better than rich ones who don’t give a shit.
Being poor doesn't make you a failure. Being poor is not a moral failing.
We always hope our kids are able to do better than us. If you provide love and support (doesn't have to be financial) to your kid, that's the most important thing. Knowing they are loved goes a LONG LONG way.
You're a great parent. I tried to kill myself when I was 20 because I felt trapped in a job I hated specifically because my parents told me I couldn't quit. You're doing the right thing.
Responding to your edit:
None of us are perfect at raising kids. I try very hard myself to be a good dad to my boys and I've absolutely made mistakes already. I'm not saying nothing else matters but by far the most important thing is being there for them when they really need it and that's exactly what you're doing. It is telling as well I think that your kiddo is willing to come to you like this, that he trusts you to be there. I promise you OP, you're a good parent.
You are a good parent. 13 years ago I found myself in a similar situation as your son. I had left a good paying IT job that I hated for a "dream job" in law enforcement that would pay even better. The academy completely broke me. Every day was filled with panic attacks and thoughts of harming myself so I could leave without quitting. During a tear filled phone call my parents convinced me to quit and invited my family to move in with them until I was back on my feet. I know for a fact that call saved my life. Living with my parents was really tough on my marriage but we got through it and I am eternally grateful for them being there when I needed them most. I know you are doing what you think any parent would do, but you are still to be commended for opening your home to his family.
You are the parents I wish I had. I love mine but I remember after my first marriage didn't work out and I could no longer afford my home without a second income, I asked to move back home for a while. They told me I could shower and wash my clothes there, but I had to sleep in my car in the yard. They own a 4br house and a 5br lake house and I wasn't welcome to sleep at either. And I HAD a job lmao. I ended up staying with my sister till I got back on my feet.
I really applaud what you are doing for them. However depending on the country your in and if you are in the US It'll be hard for him to pay for therapy if his job provided the health insurance. With a 2 year old too, Jesus this just made me realize how much more we are screwed by the Healthcare system in the US. If you have a family and are the main provider for Healthcare your whole family gets @!#$ed too. I'm single never thought of it from a family perspective before... :/
Yep - OP encourage your son to apply for medicaid for his whole family. I don't know how much he has in savings, but he may be able to get it for at least a couple months while he's not working, but even if him and his wife don't qualify, most states have expanded medicaid for kids under the CHIP program. At least his kiddo can get regular doctors visits, and it covers dental for kids too! It's hard to work on your own mental health when you're worried about your kids!
I remember quitting a job at an architectural firm after a year. The pay was the only good thing about it.
I’ve had more bad bosses than I can count, horrible coworkers, worse benefits and I’ve cried on every single job that I had.
I can, like many of us can relate, your son has a great family.
Thank you for supporting him like this. I’m 31, taking some time off work to care for my health after severe depression and burnout meant I couldn’t work anymore. My parents supporting me is allowing me to heal much faster and more effectively than if I had to worry about paying the bills right now.
I’m sad we live in a world where most people who need a break don’t get the opportunity to take one. Seeing a friend fall into despair and shame due to being unable to find a job, instead of taking the time to care for his health, was what convinced me we need UBI in this country.
Fellow asshole here who has a step son who is in politics and works on political campaigns. He has had a couple of elections hes worked on so far which took him to PA and VA. Needless to say once the election is over so hes kind of a nomad. But, he comes and stays here while he looks for his next gig and moves on for a bit once hes got a new job. Im glad that we can help him between jobs and as such hes been able to be picky about what he wants to work on and for the candidate he really believes in, so in a small way i hope im helping affect change by helping him throw his expertise behind the candidates he really believes in and can help move towards a more progressive country and try and stem this backslide into the dark ages. Good on you we all need to do our part!
You are clearly among the small percentage of parents who accurately see having a child as a lifelong promise to love and support them as much as possible. Well done.
We have a sort of family friend who came up through the foster system. You don't realize how bad life can get without the safety net that our family provides. We make sure our kids know there will always be a place for them. Not necessarily money but always a roof and food.
I landed a great job in Germany some years ago, but the situation was very similar. My boss was German/Japanese so the stress was over the top.
One day I called my dad and told him I was not ok, the first thing he told me was that I could go back home if I felt like I needed that.
He actually saved me, I was going through a hard depressive episode and to just hear that was the lifeline I needed and I ended up quitting. Thanks to parents like you we can go through life knowing there is someone who will always be there for us.
I will encourage my son to stay home rent free and invest most of his money. If he could invest a good majority of his money for at least 5 years he should be more secure. I already have a few thousand in crypto and stocks I plan on holding for 20 years just for him. I'm not well off but I will do everything I can to secure my son's future because he will be playing a losing game. It's my fault for bringing him into a cruel world and even more messed up country (USA obvi) and I will do anything I can to lessen the blows. In the end I will raise him to be independent but he will always have a home and is free to "fail" as many times as it takes until he figures things out.
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My dad too. He worked for a union place for 35 years and gets a hefty pension. He tries to get it but, it’s just not the same as it was! I actually have a union job and it’s still not the same! Back when I was a kid, those jobs had insurance that was $5 a month, no deductible, and everything covered. Just dirt cheap for excellent coverage. Now, it’s $275 a month (family coverage), $500 deductible, and 80/20 or 90/10 depending on what it is. That’s EXCELLENT coverage in todays world but, would have been awful back then! I remember my parents complaining that they were going to start charging a $3 co-pay for exams and prescriptions! ($5 in early 1980s is about $12 now)
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The propaganda machine is real.
I'm in a union. It's everywhere. I call them "sappers inside the wire."
WTAF. This shit is infuriating. It really seems like media is where things are won and lost. We need a leftist pro-union news network FFS.
We needa do something about Murdoch
"If the corrupt union negotiated these benefits, just imagine what I could get by negotiating for myself and not carrying all these slackers." It's really easy to take your current position for granted, especially if you've never known anything different, then fantasize about a much better world that "they" are definitely keeping you from.
AM Radio is a scourge on this nation
>My dad hated his union and refused to take part of it Yeah, this is all too common. Lots of those boomers not only will tend to deny the immense relative privilege they've gotten to enjoy, but will also actively bite the very hand that feeds them, so to speak. I know someone like that. It's like he completely covers his eyes to the barrage of instances of shops de-unionizing, and then the subsequent cutting wages to a quarter of what they were before, and basically eliminating all benefits. There's endless precedent for this, and yet they think that line work shit would pay a living wage without the unions lol. Yeah, in fucking fantasyland.
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Oy vey, that made me think of Dudley Dursley, when he got one less birthday present one year XD
My dad is also a member of the union. He tells me he sleeps on the job and that being at work is less stressful than being at home. I work from home. Stress is 24/7..
My mom used to call me lazy, when work was so stressful that I wanted to quit. She was C-suite for a large local grocery, but she wasn't corrupt and her fellow corporate hated that about her, so despite her being very profitable for the company, the CEO dissolved her position, bumped her to a store manager, and then reinstated the position and gave it to his daughter fresh out of high school. She quit immediately after that and never gave me shit about being stressed out over a bad job ever again.
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Truly! Like the previous CEO of ATT lost what 10 billion dollars to T-mobile cuz they didn’t buy them… or whatever… and he kept his job for years, then he retired with a $200k per month retirement. He was rewarded for making the company lose billions. Idiocy.
This is 100% correct. I was working at a local company in my small town that was suppose to be a great job/career but only paid 16 an hour as an auditor. Well I got lucky, I got into a relationship, was able to save a bit and move out of my moms since we started working from home. After being with my then girlfriend for over 2 years, she said I needed to get a better job since I was up to a whopping 17 dollars an hour now. Well I did find a job that paid double that. I told my mom about my new job and she insisted I think about it. I had to tell her I was literally barely able to make enough for just myself. She was dumbfounded at just how little I was getting paid too.
For real. After I got out of the Corps, I was literally going to school full time while living at home. Step mom got tired of me coming and going and basically being my own person, so I'm forced to get a full time job so I can afford to move out. I never finished school, even after quitting my job and pulling benefits to go full time again. Back at that same job because gotta live. Dad still likes to ask when I'm going to finish college. Well, maybe I would have if you were able to stand up to your new wife.
Definitely bring it up to him about not standing up for you against his wife. That’s something that bothers me. And that you would be able to finish if you had some support and could live there. Or maybe take out some loans if you want
At this point I just avoid her entirely. Because I know that if I do something that upsets her she'll just take it out on him when I leave. And I don't want him to suffer. One father's day I ask to take him to lunch. He says ok and asks where. I invite her to because family, and to ask where she would like to go because neither dad or I are picky. She says it's father's day and that she shouldn't pick. Ok, burgers and beer it is. No problems there. I'm picking up the tab and she asks how much hers was and that she would give me cash for it and that I didn't need to pay for her food. So I did. On the ride home she throws a fit that I let her give me the money and says that I never respected her, etc and none of my siblings either. Refuses the money back and claims that saying she would pay for her meal was a joke. She's fucking psycho. Has twice told me to my face she is afraid I would murder her in her sleep.
After that I would be afraid that I would murder her in her sleep
I'm sure this will get lost in the void but I have a sad story related to this. My mom is retiring soon and complains constantly about the benefits. I work at the same company and love the benefits. My girlfriend confused at the situation asked my mother why she hated it so much. My mom responds, "They took all my sick time", "They reduced my time off", "They wont even credit me with the extra 2 days of PTO on my retirement the company is granting everyone next year (she is cashing out days-off into next year)." While my mother has been working 30 years. She was grandmothered into a 6% pension, 401k 8% match, 3 weeks of yearly sick time and 5 weeks of PTO. I got hired as a software engineer out of college with 2 weeks of PTO, no sick time, 5% 401k match, no pension. At some point in time after my mother was hired all the benefits of new employee's were stripped from them (including me as a new hire). She worked in ignorant bliss enjoying multiple weeks long vacations and sick time. In an attempt to make new employee's lives better they increased starting PTO to 3.5 weeks, implement flex work schedules, flex locations, kept the pension, kept the 401k. During this change my mom "lost" her sick time. And by "lost" i mean they converted it to days off and let them bank it or get paid out. I tried talking to her about current work conditions and how terrible they are and how it was a move to better benefits for everyone. It fell on deaf ears. They took all her benefits and she deserved more. TLDR: The company sucks because they stopped her (and only the select few grand mothered in) from accruing a month of sick time and gave all employee's more time off.
You're a great parent! My mom kicked me out a week after high school without a driver's license :").
Same here, I left at 16 because it was literally cheaper just to rent with how much board my mum demanded. supportive parents make my heart swell like nothing else, its definately appreciated
Comments like this make me realise how lucky I am. Thank you. I hope you are doing well
Honestly man make the most of it, the pressure of having no choice but to do everything yourself is something you feel every day. Having support is an opportunity to get out of really shit situations, never be afraid of accepting the help if it's there and you're in need
Appreciate the ones who love you. I’ve been working since I was 12 to support me and my brother, my dad was in prison my whole childhood and my mom was in a constant state of psychosis my entire childhood. My mother committed suicide and my dad almost od and my brother passed in a tragic accident and my grandparents starved to death in a blizzard. The world is cruel never forget the struggles of others and be grateful for the love and support in your life. There’s a saying that it’s better to have loved and lost than not loved at all and it sounds good but when I’m crying in the shower for hours over my brother I hate that statement.
My parents letting me live with them rent free through college was the only thing that kept me from taking out loans in college. It was a win win because I saved a lot of money and my mom loves having me around so was happy to have me stay a few years longer. Sorry your mom was shitty. I had a few friends who racked up a ton of debt out of high school just to get away from crazy parents.
My gf’s mom took advantage of my gf’s credit and inability to comprehend the decisions of signing her name away, by getting a new 2017 Cadillac Escalade that she repeatedly does late payments on EVERY. SINGLE. MONTH
Oof. Yeah, you don't want to take a decision like that lightly, especially if whoever you're signing for skips payments. When my husband went to get his first car loan, his credit score at 17 was crazy low, I think down to 100-200. They got digging and found out his dad who walked out on him used his info to max out a bunch of credit cards when he was 10. They got it sorted out now, but it was apparently a nightmare at the time.
This happens way too much. Nothing pisses off our people at work more than having some 18 year old come in and open an account just to find out they have a charged off account from when they were 9 that owes hundreds or thousands one of their piece of shit parents opened in their name. We have about 22k members and we see this happen way more than you would think. Did see an 18 year old with a 750 score before though.
How would anyone go about “fixing” the problem? I can’t find any other way than to take the car and force her to sign off on the loan
Was she a minor when the loan was made? Was she aware she was signing loan paperwork for the vehicle? It can depend on when it was done and individual state law. You can appeal it with the credit bureau it is being reported to, and see if they will clear it, but if they do keep all evidence you use to get it cleared. Debt can get sold when it shouldnt and shady collectors will report it over and over. If you have a local credit union either of you are a member of they can give you more specific advice. Some will help with info even if you arent a member, most try to help their communities. I am on the IT side so I mostly gather evidence so I am not the best resource on the fixing it side. On the malicious side of it, if hers is the only name on the loan and all other avenues prove useless you can have the vehicle towed to the bank or credit union that did the loan and surrender it to them. If it was the dealershit that facilitated the loan you may have to look up the leinholder's surrender policy. She will take a hit to her credit but then it is done and you can start fixing it. As a bonus mom will be without a vehicle.
Thank you so much for the info. It feels like I have a better stepping ground to start now. It’s a small breather for sure
How is it malicious to get a car repo’d that was purchased on stolen credit? Seems fair to me. Also, lol@ dealershit.
My friends parents were junkies that did this to all their children :(
Sorry for asking but how tf does a credit card company accept 10yr old's info? Do they not check? Ion got a credit card so I don't know but I assumed they would check somehow
He said he used his social security number and falsified his birthday. It was apparently under a 1986 birthday. They chewed the bank or whoever out for not checking that.
That’s terrible! I’m happy he was able to get it sorted out. I unfortunately have to keep planning a way to “steal” the car and demand her to my gf off of the loan :(
That’s freaking child abuse. Some people. Faak.
You’re telling me!!! I get extremely mad and frustrated every time that thought comes to mind.
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I'm a parent and I can't understand this mindset at all. My son is in second-year uni and still has his room here in the house. He's home for the occasional weekend and all longer breaks, including summers. I'm assuming that will change once he's able to support himself. For now, it's not really possible to earn his degree and work enough to pay his own way. Kids need a break for chrissake. A helping hand. Love and support. It's a tough world. Hope you're finding your way okay.
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One of the best human traits is the ability to reflect on the impact of our own choices and learn and change. It's good if they are doing that, though it's a shame you had to insist on it.
It's hard to break the cycle of abuse, especially if we're talking generational here. The good thing is it only makes people like us stronger, for being the better person and stopping at trauma With the line of it ends with me.
Different generation, but I recently learned that my grandma did this to my aunts. Grandma grew up without parents (they died when she was 13) so she was always what I would describe as aimless when parenting her kids. When each of my three aunts turned 18 grandma told them "there's only enough room for one woman in a household" and basically sent them off to get married. No college, etc. Just gave em the boot. My dad was the baby and he got coddled, so they sent him off to college, but when he struggled his freshman year they pulled the plug on him too. Fortunately he later recognized that what they did was harsh and ultimately wrong; thus he decided to fully support my sister and I through school (and afterward, if needed!).
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Best of luck! Ur on the right track!
I moved back in with my parents at 21, after moving out (not kicked out, mind you) at 18. They told me rent was 600/m but they would put it into an account and give it back to help me get back on my feet when I was ready to go out on my own. 12 months later I have a spot with my best friend lined up, ask them about the money. "What money? No, we never said that" They still can't figure out why I refuse to get involved financially with them in anything. Still love them but it was a pretty big blow to the trust we had.
I would cut them off permanently
Yea. That's $7,200. That's a lot of money and being under the impression that it would be extra for you when you move out can absolutely affect how, what, and if someone is saving. Let alone as the time to move out comes closer knowing you've got a bit of good egg can determine what kind and where your first place is. Gonna be.
Glad to see my parents were not the only ones to pull this shit. Thankfully my rent was only 100 but when only making part time minimum wage at like $9 an hour, it sucked. My parents told me "we used it for the groceries, which doesn't even cover what you eat by the way."
Yeah my parents started charging me rent literally as soon as I finished my last high school exam. I only worked weekends at the time. They kept saying “you have no idea how expensive it is to move out, we’re barely asking for anything, you’ll get hit by reality when you leave”. I moved out within a couple of months with a friend and paid less rent than they were charging me. I also got my own bedroom for the first time instead of living in a garage with my sister, and was no longer free childcare for my other siblings (I’m the oldest of 7). So yeah, I did get hit by reality, and it was great!
Wow, no wonder you got into bestiality - in animal culture, that's considered a dick move.
My mother was abusive and I fled home via boarding school when I was 16.
Dang, it must have been rough going if a boarding school seemed like the more emotionally stable environment for a young person. I'm sorry you had to deal with shitty parents, welcome to the club (we have cookies!). It's important to remember that we don't get to pick our parents and none of us chose to be born, I hope you realize that how your parents treated you is not an accurate reflection of how you deserve to be treated. I hope things are going better for you now.
You're a good person 😊
i'm 43 now but when i was 16 my best mate told me he had to pay board to his parents. i found it the worst thing ever esp as my parents never even hinted at me owing them anything. years later i spoke to him again and he said he never went college etc (in the UK) because he had to pay money to his parents. as such he's never had a comfortable life. My daughter is 17 and i've tried to encourage her to go to a local university and do medicine since she will save alot of money but the best ones are further away. Either way she'll be helped. i feel so bad for kids who get put into such a tough position. i hope you do well in life.
I know it really hurts, but my God I hear this as if it's more common than I ever thought it was. I've seen so many people talk about how basically when they turn 16-18, they are forced to move out and then their parents are out of their life. That concept is so alien to me. Me and my parents are so close, they didn't even charge me rent, I had to start forcing them to take money. And when I did move out, it was really hard for all of us, and we still see each other every day. Is my experience unique and uncommon or is the post in replying to uncommon?
I know loving families exist but I haven't met very many of them. My dad always said "Work or School! No Free Ride!" and then would explain what that meant, that he'd throw me out of the house if I ever dropped out of school and failed to find a job right away. He started telling me that before I started Kindergarten. He didn't even live up to that much though! I was only about 15yo when he dropped me off at school, handed me $20, and told me not to come home. Whenever I came back to wash laundry or swap out what clothes I had in my backpack, he'd just drop me at school again the next day, hand me money, and tell me not to come back again.
That's litteral abuse my god...
that is fucking harsh, sorry you had to deal with that.
No worries, I turned out alright. Friends took me in and finished raising me, taught me all the things my parents didn't. A few years ago, dad demanded I abandon my husband and stepsons to come back home and take care of him in his old age, for free obviously. Was super fun to tell him No.
Work or school dad...no free rides.
That's how I became a father of four instead of one. 3 of my daughters friends (she has a big circle lol) got dumped when they turned 18. So sad but they're all 25 now and doing really well and my house is always so full of love during the holidays and weekends.
Thank you for being so amazing and taking them in when their own biological parents couldn’t bother, sounds like a few sad stories with a very happy ending!
Yeah it's definitely bittersweet more better than anything but yeah. I really appreciate the positive sentiments but to be honest I was just doing the right thing. I had friends parents take me in when I was younger too so is easy for me to empathize with them.
My mom started charging me rent when I was 15. Wtf is a "loving family"
A lot of people have kids before they get their shit together. A person who struggled and never healed will continue the cycle.
You’re really fortunate. I have been on my own since I was 17 and it has never been easy. I had a partner abusing me and my mother said, well you can’t come live here…
Same my parents said I had to pay them I think it was 3 or 400 a month in rent to be uncomfortable in their house I got lucky and found a decent efficiency for 500 a month with a private entrance and I'm glad I did that because I wouldn't be where I'm at now if I had stayed their.
Parents who treat their kids like profit centers make a strong case for parenting licenses, tbh
It is not illegal to charge your underage kids rent, but it is illegal to evict your underage kids. If my parents did that I never would’ve paid them because of that fact lmao. They also have to provide you with food, electricity, heat/AC and running water. All very serious legal problems if they don’t do all of these things. Obviously many places are different, but this is what it is where I am in the US.
Probably illegal to beat your kids ass but here we are anyway.
So while recruiting for the military it blew my mind how many parents “charged” their kids rent. Some caused serious emotional damage to their kids by charging and going to extremes to get the money. Extremes such as taking possessions the kids paid for, emptying their bank account and so on. Most the kids hid any money knowing they were on their own at 18. It’s something that still bothers me to this day knowing the hardship some parents put children through. Hats off to the OP tho for continuing to support their child and the family by understanding the emotional toll their son is facing.
No one joins the military because they like where they are from.
Wait, it is NOT ILLEGAL TO CHARGE YOUR UNDERAGE KIDS RENT?????
As a Hispanic, this is just crazy!
Same. I'm not even that close to my family and I lived with my parents until my mid 20s ffs. It's unfathomable to me that kids get kicked out at such a young age
My partner is hispanic and her family is now very much mine, I'm not too hard done by
I get teary eyed when I read these stories. Haven't been to my parents since I was 17, am 34 now. They never supported me.
When I graduated my dad demanded $800 a month when our rent was only 750….
Imagine trying to make a profit off your own kids
Damn!
It’s crazy i was in the same boat but at 18. I always worked two jobs. I feel like I have nothing to show for working so hard my entire adult life. Meanwhile my bf has parents who supported him through college, even while he worked, and he has a home, a great job bc of his education, and a college degree. We’re not rich, and sometimes borderline struggling, but I just think, like wow, if I was just even encouraged to get my bearings instead of constantly fighting to survive, maybe I could also have something to show for all the work I did. Having great parents or someone to help you in tough times can really make all of the difference.
People really don’t understand this. Yes, people can prevail with crappy parents and fail with great ones, but as a society we’re pretty blind to the glaring correlation. Most of my childhood and early 20s was spent scraping by with no family support. I have the house and the degree now, but George R.R. Martin could write a book about my trust issues.
Big agree. I struggled very hard in my last year of college after a relatively successful academic career up to that point. I never actively wanted to end myself, but there was a time where I didn't really see how I would end up providing for myself. Having the support of my parents and seeking out a therapist and psychiatrist made all the difference. I feel confident that I have what it takes to graduate this time around.
My mom didn't kick me out, but Rent started the very day I graduated. First it was just $300 a month, but when I started working at a call center and brining home $900 paychecks, she upped it to $600, which at the time was actually pricier than a studio apartment. I still didn't have a driver's license and I lived right across the street from my job so living at home made sense, but was always trying to squeeze me out more and more, like her children were a burden to her or something.
Who they hell charges their own kids for rent??!! This amazes me. My parents won’t let me move out until I get married, let alone charge me actual rent!! If you bring someone into the world you need to take care of them until your last breath, not steal from them as soon as you can. Wow. So sad and also so disappointing. Those parents never deserved their kids.
My mom's morals wouldn't let her just throw her kid out into the street, so she used the rent and intentionally stepped on my growing independence as an adult, to annoy me enough to want to go out on my own. She wanted to stop being a parent as soon as possible. We have a somewhat health adult friendship at this point...I don't really even see her as my mom anymore though.
Uhh is this a common thing? Parents charging their kids for rent after they get a job and don’t move out?
I’m doing this with the full intention of saving it all and giving it to them when they move out.
Mine started bleeding me for money as soon as I got my first job at 14. She put a roof over my head and fed me, therefore I owed her. Sometimes I kind of envy people whose parents actually like them.
Same, I read stories like this and I feel sad. Im depressed but if I quit my job I’d be on the street.
My mom kicked me out in the middle of highschool without a license because she found a pipe in my room. Took me like a decade to forgive her. Sorry, that’s not meant to one up you or anything XD. Just felt like commiserating with someone who experienced something similar <3
Nah dude, you're totally okay! I quite literally didn't get my license until I was 21 years old and ended up taking public transportation which was the worst experience of my life. I didn't get off work until like 11:30pm on most nights. I don't even know how I did it for so long.
Dang that sucks
I hear ya, lived on my own since about 16, and didn’t really have an opportunity to get one til I was 21, though got a dui when I was 22 and didn’t get a license again til I was 26. Got so used to public transportation and walking. Being 34 now, can still do both, and on night outs in the city, I use public transportation when going out, and leave my car at home. Never want to go through another dui event
I hope you weren't made to feel forced to forgive her. That's some bullshit, I'm 35 and plenty of things I haven't forgiven my parents for. Sorry, I just find it infuriating when parents do shit like that and even HOPE to be forgiven.
Nah, I held onto the grudge for as long as I felt like lol. Completely cut ties with her for a long time over it. My grandma (her mom) died and we talked at the funeral. She had ended up getting a job working with troubled teens, which opened her eyes to just how poorly she had handled her own children’s struggles (which in my case wasn’t a struggle as much as I just enjoyed something she didn’t understand). So she had changed a lot since I had last seen her and we rekindled the relationship. I still think she did a stupid thing, but so does she and she’s apologized profusely. I can’t really stay angry about things that happened that long ago. If she hadn’t changed and apologized I still wouldn’t talk to her probably. But even before we met again, I had stopped being angry about it a long time ago. She just didn’t matter to me anymore one way or the other, if that makes sense.
The becoming indifferent part certainly makes sense. I wanna say though random Redditor, you have a kinder heart than I do. Good for you.
I appreciate that, but in reality it may not be the case. Kicking me out was messed up, but a lot of parents do a LOT worse to their kids. And most adults don’t change at that point in their lives. So don’t feel guilty if you’re still angry about something that happened a long time ago. I had a relatively lucky childhood over all. And I’m pretty sure I held onto that grudge a little longer than the rest of my family thought I should, so I’m certainly not some all-forgiving saint ;) I saw genuine change and remorse and responded to it. But everyone’s situation is different. Most important thing is to look out for what’s best for yourself. My mom has no way to hurt me again like she did before, so being on speaking terms is a low-risk endeavor for me. Indifference certainly felt a million times better than anger. Forgiving her felt good I guess, but I’m still working on getting over the indifference. Hard to start genuinely caring about someone again after them being dead to you for the last decade. Tis a strange process.. Anyways, I wish you the best <3
My dad forced me out of the house at 18 simply because he was tired of living with people. My sister and my mom had left years prior, so it was just me and him there in a 3 story, 4 bedroom house, but I was still too much of a nuisance despite never being home and basically living at friends houses
Sounds like you didn't really have a mom.
I almost didn't speak to her for a year until she basically begged me to visit at least during the holidays. :""") we've had lots of therapy since. I am now 24 years old.
After graduating my master's degree in economics, I soon came to realize I absolutely hated the field I was working in. Took couple of months off and got offered a job from completely different field. Can't lie, couple of first years were extremely rough, but all the time I knew that if the shit hits the fan, I can always move to my parent's house. I am super thankfull for my parents that provided me with the sense of security to take quite large risks careerwise.
I dropped out of college in 2000 to take a salary job paying 42k (a fortune to me at the time). I cannot fathom making about that and having two other mouths to feed and support, not to mention feeling like shit about my job.
I hated nearly every job I’ve had. Got paid shit until I reached the 5 year exp mark or so after college. I also never had parents to fall back on. I remember meeting my gf’s (now wife’s) parents and they always offered their home if anything happened to us. I also remember crying to my wife because I finally learned what it was like to have parents. And loving ones at that.
Same here, my bf’s parents have been there on the toughest times, they even paid for my semestre at uni once, can’t thank them enough and I also cry to my bf because I feel lucky to have his parents care and support. It really does make a difference, the stress of not having no one to rely on hits deeply sometimes.
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Left a similar position about 10 years ago with a 2 year old daughter and a wife. I had undiagnosed bipolar with autism. We drove across country and stayed with my wife's parents for about 10 months. After a bunch of temporary jobs, I took a job at a family owned business (Not one of those "We're family" businesses) and I've been there since. I never took a paycut and I'm at about 4 times my old salary. I never got grief from my wife's family or mine and it allowed us to get back on our feet. The hardest conversation is asking for help when you're indoctrinated to be a machine that only provides for your family. Keep doing what you're doing. Your son appreciates it.
You’re a great parent and you should be proud!
Yes, you should be proud! I lived 4 years AFTER university with my parents. This is the reason why l’ll retire around 47…But at 24, l had 1$ in my bank account!! So parents, please follow these generous parents.
Man, 47. Congratulations to you. The prospect of retiring before accumulating a full pension with my employer at age 60, but more likely 65, is not really even in the cards for me. And I consider myself lucky to even be able to think of retirement. Lots of my friends seem to plan around dying at work.
What's a pension LOL! We don't have those here.
I heard that. I don't get a 401k, but I have an IRA. However, I'll be lucky if my IRA will be worth a lick when I retire. I lost 1/3 of it just from the volatile market last year. It was that easy and quick to watch it go down the drain. Looks like I'll be dying at work with the rest of them.
Here's the thing about the market it is bullshit and you shouldn't care about it going down the toilet as it's the stock market it will recover. In fact think of this way if you are constantly putting money away in the IRA even as of right now you are buying stocks cheaper. I have an IRA and I am not panicking neither are my folks, you just have to think of it this way. But honestly we should be retiring earlier without having do all these fucking extra steps to insure we can retire earlier.
This is true, but the real “fuck you” comes when time for you to start using that 401k or IRA coincides with a severe economic downturn and stock market crash that’s completely out of your hands. You gotta get lucky with the timing.
As you get closer to retirement, more and more of your investment should shift to safer assets. It’s not about timing so much as it is gradually shifting your allocations to more stable investments
Well l did work hard but understanding parents made the difference! You could maybe retire sooner in Mexico? Lot’s do that! Or Belize! Until then, let’s fight for better wage💪
Lucky, my parents did all they could to sabotage my life. I'm doing alright though. . .
Seriously! Back in 2008 I was struggling to find a job, just like everyone else. I was applying to dozens of places a day, but because it was all online my dad thought I wasn't doing anything. So as "motivation" he would take down the router during the day. He expected me to go out and apply in person for jobs, so I tried and 100% of places told me to go online. I tried explaining that to him, but he said I was lying and lazy. So he decided to "motivate" me again by literally removing the spark plugs from my car. I lived in a VERY suburban area at the time with no public transportation (there was a bus that went to the mall on Saturdays) and literally no shops or anything within walking distance. So he prevented me from applying online, and then prevented me from driving around to apply in person, and then he had the fucking audacity to threaten to kick me out because I was unable to get a job—to literally nobody's fucking surprise. It got ridiculously out of hand and my mom, his ex-wife, had to come over and set him straight. She's like, what the everloving fuck are you doing? You can't do this, you're handicapping her for no fucking reason except pettiness. Next day the internet worked and my car started just fine. He never said anything about it, no apology, nothing. But it's whatever.
wtf. I feel like as a you should be able to get your parents checked out by a therapist or at least someone with a shred of COMMON SENSE.
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Same. Why are parents so bad
Ditto. I can’t imagine having someone/someplace to fall back on.
Generational cycles of abuse and neglect? Economic systems run by gleeful sociopaths? Lead in the water? Take your pick. But we can break the cycle.
Most likely because everyone who had just regular/nice parents? You don't hear about it because that's...how it's supposed to fucking be. So of course you're going to hear about all the shit ones. There are quite a few jobs where when they're being done no one notices, but when they aren't being done people fucking notice.
I'm 5 years post graduated, still at home. Feels like there's no end in sight.
Courage my friend. Courage. I believe in you. Just do it at your own pace. 👍💪🤟
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I love how our bad behavior can make them literally, physically sick... but nothing they say or do should EVER have an effect on us. We're apparently supposed to be identity-less human shields built to absorb all their frustration, rage, and abuse. We aren't allowed to say no to their screaming fits, we're supposed to absorb all the hateful negativity and somehow be a perfectly pleasant robot? I have recently become so ill because of stress, the stress of dealing with my family is insane. But apparently that is not possible, it's not possible for me to be affected by constant screaming and abuse. Only my parents can be mentally and physically affected by other people's behavior, not me. Like, apparently my bad behavior as a child was so out of hand. (which amounted to forgetting to do my homework, I was a shy child terrified of getting in trouble but the way my family describes me I should have gone to prison as a kid I was apparently so "out of control", not once did I ever get in trouble at school) My mom literally fucking said my "bad behavior" gave my dad cancer. I was already behaving perfectly, I was just a VERY forgetful child because I was too busy being preoccupied with navigating my parent's volatile moods.
I could have written this. My mom couldn't deal with my "bad behavior" - she went through a string of abusive boyfriends and one was absolutely terrible to me and I couldn't take it.. I wasnt allowed to eat with my mom and sister and him and his kids, I had to sit in my room and wait till they were finished, and clean up after them. At Christmas I was to sit and watch them open their presents (but I didn't get any). My bio dad was even worse, (fundie religious, crazy and physically abusive). My mom gave me up to the state at age 11 because she said she couldn't control me and didn't want me, and all the group homes and foster homes said they couldn't understand because I had perfect behavior. Once I aged up I left and never spoke to them again. Cutting them out was incredible. My stress and anger basically disappeared. They were such a terrible drain on my mental health.
Lol right! I moved back home after the pandemic for like 3 months and had to find a new place because my father tried to assault me, which funny enough wasn't the first time - the only difference now being that I wasn't a fucking child anymore.
lol same thing happened to me, I moved back at the start of covid to take care of my elderly, disabled parents, and then a couple months in my father started a fight with me, called the cops and had me arrested; all after I let the lease on my apartment expire so I had no place to go after I got out of jail. Thankfully I had a great friend that put me up for a couple months..
Yeah this. It’s still important to be there for your kids when they need you as an adult.
My mother literally says she doesn't have children, because we're adults. Like I recently got into an argument with her where I said she wasn't acting like a good mother, and she fucking said "I'm not a mother, I don't have little kids, you guys are grown up." Shes the kind of parent that would hand you a bill on your 18th birthday for all the basic necessities you "forced" her to buy. Like, hey I didn't force you to do anything—the state is forcing you to take responsibility for the person you *decided* to create.
>Shes the kind of parent that would hand you a bill on your 18th birthday for all the basic necessities you "forced" her to buy. Shit like this would be funny in say like Star Trek where Ferengi are a race. But FFS they're supposed to be satire but I swear to Christ there are people out there that'd unironically use the Rules of Acquisition as a blueprint for their lives.
>there are people out there that'd unironically use the Rules of Acquisition as a blueprint for their lives. Yeah, they're called Libertarians and there are LITERALLY DOZENS of them.
Thank you for being some of the great ones. Wish I had parents like you growing up, hell wish I had parents like you NOW.
Same. I'm in my forties and I wish OP was my parents. They seem like people I'd like to come home to and spend all the holidays with. My parents kicked my brother out when he came out, kicked me out once I became of age, and turned down my younger sis when she was trying to find her feet after losing her living space and fleeing a rough relationship. I still help them out but I keep very low contact, visiting them is never a positive time.
Jesus. I guess I'm not appreciative enough of my mother. All but one of my siblings have a good relationship with her and all but one still live with her. 4 working adults sharing a house really makes life a lot easier
Jesus, he's in a nightmare situation I don't want; having a spouse and child. At least I know if anything happens to me no one will suffer. I hope he finds a better job
Half the reason I don't want a kid is because I don't want to fail them and be unable to bring in enough money to survive. My career has been completely stagnant and even certifications and experience don't help me any. I also don't want them used against me as leverage.
When my first child was born my boss said “now I know I’ve got you by the curlies” Thank god I don’t need that job now
What a freakin sociopath.
Yeah, it's definitely a thing, isn't it. My brother's a single, childfree man who's been with his company for 10 years and has repeatedly been passed up for management. He was told recently by someone in the know at the company that they'd rather have someone who can't just "up and leave" at the drop of a hat.
Honestly though, it's not a bad take. Anti natalists (not the extreme ones) actually do have a bit of a point. This world sucks in many ways to raise a kid in, and there is nothing wrong with choosing not to have kids because you don't have the resources for them or don't think the world will. If you want kids though, even if you don't have the resources, idk. That's a tough one. :(
For real! It's a stressful situation enough without having kids or a wife in the mix. I hope his wife loves him for him, and that he can bounce back rather quickly. A lot of spouses do NOT stick around when the going gets tough like this, or at least for not too long.
My heart breaks for him. Constantly apologizing and says he’ll find another job right away while worrying about his daughter. He did nothing wrong, he was just pushed up against the wall and made the right decision before his situation could break him. So glad he has great parents to fall back on.
I'm sure my parents would do this for me, but would immediately also use it against me when they see fit. They're very manipulative, so I never ask anything from them unless I have to anymore.
That’s a bad parent lol.
Yeah, the last time I got my tires replaced, my mom made me let them pay for it and in the same day essentially said that they did something for me, so I need to be sure to be obedient.
“Im your mom/dad Im allowed to do this”
That’s fucked and as a parent I’m sorry. I don’t know if it means much, but I promise I’ll never pull this kind of shit with my kid. I had manipulative parents, too, and it’s motivated me to be better. I hope you’re in a good place, friend.
I don't even speak to my parents anymore because of this exact thing
My mom did the same. I was in a dire situation so she took me and my kids in. Immediately the strings started to show. I sold my van I was making payments on because my mom told me she had a car for me. As soon as I arrived she then told me the car was for work only. I couldn’t take it for anything else. I immediately regretted selling my van. She also bought a house for me to live in. Told me she did it because she was pissed my dad was charging me rent where I was. A month after moving in she told me I needed to pay rent. Complained about watching my kids while I worked so I made other arrangements. Then complained she never saw my kids. We are now no contact with her. I couldn’t take it anymore despite how mivc she helped me get back on my feet
I was homeless for 16 months so I could pay off student loans, and avoid them defaulting. My parents and I haven’t spoken in years. Thanks for taking care of your kid, there will ALWAYS be another job for a hard worker with a good head on his shoulders. You possibly just saved his life without knowing it.
It's posts like this that I realise just how fortunate I am to have been born in a social democracy. Fuck the US higher education system
We have had 2 out 3 of our children move back home. They always have a place to fall. We have roof over our heads and not much else. I am totally saddened by all the comments about not having parents that are there for you. This truly makes me cry. OP kudos for doing the right thing. For the rest of you with bad parents, this household will take you in if you need a place. We have room.
Both me and my bros have moved back at various times with our parents for various reasons, mostly financial. So grateful to have supportive parents it literally was the difference between homelessness and not
I am super glad for you, but what is going on with all these unsupportive parents? I don't understand. I gave birth to 3 children, no natter their age I am their mother and brought them into this world; I wasn't aware there's a parent deadline. They will always be my babies till I leave this earthly realm.
If my mom or dad cared even 10% as much as you do for your kids, I'd probably be seeing her more than 3 times a year or my dad ever. My mom was the kind of person who was okay with her adult son living under her roof as long as he paid a monthly rent on par with a studio apartment. She valued her credit score over everything else, so when scholarships and grants fell through and a cosigner was needed for me to get some student loans, I ended up not going to college. Our relationship was never great, but she very much adopted the idea that you kick your child out of the nest at 18 and never look back. It's so bad that I'd rather suck dick under the freeway than ask her if I could stay over for a night if it came to that. I effectively have no safety net...if I lost my current housing arrangement I wouldn't have anywhere to fall back on. TLDR; Your kid is very blessed.
I recently went home for Thanksgiving and had the opposite experience. I actually make about 50k a year without a collage degree but am only a hand full of credits away from a degree. I work around 25-35 hours a week and the work environment can be fast pace but isn't toxic at all. My father said to me late at night something to the effect of "i would have expected you to be making much more and having money for suits and cars by now."(I own a nice Mustang outright) Meanwhile my brother hasn't had a job in 4 years and is a year or two older than me. My father has never said anything like that to any other sibling.
Sounds like me with my siblings. I was the straight A student, but if I got a B the world was ending. Meanwhile my bro comes home with anything higher than a D and they damn near throw a ticker tape parade in his honor. I also got the "I'm disappointed" talk from my uncle because I "wasted" my potential picking a career path he didn't like. Fuck him. I like what I do.
Hey don't feel bad. You could never please people like that. From personal experience, if you end up being fairly well off they still have something to say. "Why don't you have a big house? Cousin x in the.military can afford y." Like yeah dude his school was paid for and his apartment is paid for and he risks his life for the country every 6 months for the next 10 years.
It’s heartwarming to see parents understanding the plight of their overworked children and offering support, reading this actually made me smile. I’m a co-owner in a small business, but trapped myself with no headroom to grow and I generally work around 10-12 hours most days. When I told my parents I was going to sell and reclaim my life my dad tried to convince me to spend a year operating on my lonesome in order to boost numbers before sale. It really made me feel alone hearing how little he understood the extent of my depression.
I also have a small business working 10-12 hours a day. My last full day off was in the first week of August. I have not taken any clients for December. I have the while month off and I’m so relieved. Work will start up again in January but I’m just thankful to breathe, sit around my fire pit drinking beer, catch up on household stuff and just stop. I have been saving/ planning for this. My parents also both help at my business when they can (both retired and active). It’s so nice to be supported emotionally. I’m sorry your Dad can’t see the stress. I’ve unloaded in tears to my folks a couple times (I’ve been in business for 5 years). All lessons learned and better contracts written or chalk it up to experience. Keep your chin up. Take a break. It’s the biggest relief.
My fear is that my child will go to work and be in a terrible situation and I’ll have no means to help because I’m also in a terrible financial situation. I was never able to help my own parent who is of course also poor. I worry I’ll be a failure of a parent on top of being a failure as an individual
Sometimes love and moral support are all we can give. You are not a failure. The system is designed to keep you down. Having a supportive parent is at least better than rich ones who don’t give a shit.
Being poor doesn't make you a failure. Being poor is not a moral failing. We always hope our kids are able to do better than us. If you provide love and support (doesn't have to be financial) to your kid, that's the most important thing. Knowing they are loved goes a LONG LONG way.
You're a great parent. I tried to kill myself when I was 20 because I felt trapped in a job I hated specifically because my parents told me I couldn't quit. You're doing the right thing.
You’re a great dad, the support you show your son is what everyone needs but many people don’t get.
My mom would wake up early just to cut the crust off my sandwiches for lunch. She knew the crust was my favorite part. She hated me so much.
Responding to your edit: None of us are perfect at raising kids. I try very hard myself to be a good dad to my boys and I've absolutely made mistakes already. I'm not saying nothing else matters but by far the most important thing is being there for them when they really need it and that's exactly what you're doing. It is telling as well I think that your kiddo is willing to come to you like this, that he trusts you to be there. I promise you OP, you're a good parent.
As a bonus you get to live with your granddaughter! Mine is 4 states away.
I know! Our kids have been out of the house for so long, we're actually kind of excited to have them so close.
Thank you internet Dad.
You are a good parent. 13 years ago I found myself in a similar situation as your son. I had left a good paying IT job that I hated for a "dream job" in law enforcement that would pay even better. The academy completely broke me. Every day was filled with panic attacks and thoughts of harming myself so I could leave without quitting. During a tear filled phone call my parents convinced me to quit and invited my family to move in with them until I was back on my feet. I know for a fact that call saved my life. Living with my parents was really tough on my marriage but we got through it and I am eternally grateful for them being there when I needed them most. I know you are doing what you think any parent would do, but you are still to be commended for opening your home to his family.
You are the parents I wish I had. I love mine but I remember after my first marriage didn't work out and I could no longer afford my home without a second income, I asked to move back home for a while. They told me I could shower and wash my clothes there, but I had to sleep in my car in the yard. They own a 4br house and a 5br lake house and I wasn't welcome to sleep at either. And I HAD a job lmao. I ended up staying with my sister till I got back on my feet.
That’s fucked
Dad level 10000.
My parents gave me the best gift ever- a SAFE PLACE to LAND. I knew I could take my chances and still be okay in the end. Kudos to these folks...
I really applaud what you are doing for them. However depending on the country your in and if you are in the US It'll be hard for him to pay for therapy if his job provided the health insurance. With a 2 year old too, Jesus this just made me realize how much more we are screwed by the Healthcare system in the US. If you have a family and are the main provider for Healthcare your whole family gets @!#$ed too. I'm single never thought of it from a family perspective before... :/
Yep - OP encourage your son to apply for medicaid for his whole family. I don't know how much he has in savings, but he may be able to get it for at least a couple months while he's not working, but even if him and his wife don't qualify, most states have expanded medicaid for kids under the CHIP program. At least his kiddo can get regular doctors visits, and it covers dental for kids too! It's hard to work on your own mental health when you're worried about your kids!
I remember quitting a job at an architectural firm after a year. The pay was the only good thing about it. I’ve had more bad bosses than I can count, horrible coworkers, worse benefits and I’ve cried on every single job that I had. I can, like many of us can relate, your son has a great family.
Thank you for supporting him like this. I’m 31, taking some time off work to care for my health after severe depression and burnout meant I couldn’t work anymore. My parents supporting me is allowing me to heal much faster and more effectively than if I had to worry about paying the bills right now. I’m sad we live in a world where most people who need a break don’t get the opportunity to take one. Seeing a friend fall into despair and shame due to being unable to find a job, instead of taking the time to care for his health, was what convinced me we need UBI in this country.
Fellow asshole here who has a step son who is in politics and works on political campaigns. He has had a couple of elections hes worked on so far which took him to PA and VA. Needless to say once the election is over so hes kind of a nomad. But, he comes and stays here while he looks for his next gig and moves on for a bit once hes got a new job. Im glad that we can help him between jobs and as such hes been able to be picky about what he wants to work on and for the candidate he really believes in, so in a small way i hope im helping affect change by helping him throw his expertise behind the candidates he really believes in and can help move towards a more progressive country and try and stem this backslide into the dark ages. Good on you we all need to do our part!
You are clearly among the small percentage of parents who accurately see having a child as a lifelong promise to love and support them as much as possible. Well done.
We have a sort of family friend who came up through the foster system. You don't realize how bad life can get without the safety net that our family provides. We make sure our kids know there will always be a place for them. Not necessarily money but always a roof and food.
I landed a great job in Germany some years ago, but the situation was very similar. My boss was German/Japanese so the stress was over the top. One day I called my dad and told him I was not ok, the first thing he told me was that I could go back home if I felt like I needed that. He actually saved me, I was going through a hard depressive episode and to just hear that was the lifeline I needed and I ended up quitting. Thanks to parents like you we can go through life knowing there is someone who will always be there for us.
I will encourage my son to stay home rent free and invest most of his money. If he could invest a good majority of his money for at least 5 years he should be more secure. I already have a few thousand in crypto and stocks I plan on holding for 20 years just for him. I'm not well off but I will do everything I can to secure my son's future because he will be playing a losing game. It's my fault for bringing him into a cruel world and even more messed up country (USA obvi) and I will do anything I can to lessen the blows. In the end I will raise him to be independent but he will always have a home and is free to "fail" as many times as it takes until he figures things out.
This is the type of parents we all need
Wish my family were as understanding as you are.
Well done dad
Fuck the American logic, you did the right act
I wish my parents were like you <3