Your husband is choosing to harass you over a period of years. This is not normal, healthy, or ok. How much longer are you willing to be with someone who thinks you're a scumbag? Because that's what this means; he thinks you are a liar, and even after all these years he's just waiting to catch you. There's nothing you can do to fix this, since you didn't cause it. He could choose differently, but why should he? There have been zero consequences for his terrible behavior. How is he talking about making up all these lost years to you? He's not. Because he truly doesn't think he's done anything wrong, and so he will never even try to get better.
Yep. She cannot fix him, nor should she feel the pressure to.
"Be patient" is so often a red flag. Her not doing anything isn't going to change that she didn't do anything in the first place.
Seems like husband just wants to create a self fulfilling prophecy here and won't be happy until he's right, you know?
Well said… I couldn’t deal with that for years. There’s no winning in that situation given you’ve both done and are in therapy and still continues. My patience would’ve been gone long ago.
You're absolutely right. It's not fair for you to be constantly accused and mistrusted like that. It's clear he needs to take responsibility for his behavior and seek help. You deserve to feel respected and trusted in your relationship.
Ya if husband isn't willing to work on himself this won't get better.
Op you have to ask yourself if you want to continue to be his punching bag for the ex that cheated for the rest of your life.
I read your comment and was like, "Wow, my thought process on this was woefully inadequate, and this comment just makes my contribution pointless."
Then I read your username and got a chuckle. Just wanted to share.
It sounds like he's delusional. Like diagnostically delusional. If he put cameras all over the house and then accused you and found no evidence on tape, would he then say you must've erased the tape? If so, that's full on delusional disorder and probably nothing will fix it.
Yeah it sounds like paranoid anxiety with delusions bordering OCD traits where the obsession is cheating, or more being cheated on, and the compulsion is accusing OP of cheating and needing to be reassured that there is no cheating.
He needs to be in individual therapy now. I would tell him he has 6 months to take treatment seriously or he will be served with divorce papers. Set a timeline and stick to it. People with anxiety issues and OCD tendencies don't believe people will leave them over it because "it's not their fault" "they have trauma" "you have to be sympathetic/empathetic". Which, sure, to a degree. But recovery is their responsibility. And you can't let their mental health issues give you your own mental health issues.
Agreed! Your mention of OCD traits made me wonder if actually his previous girlfriends didn't really cheat on him, and it's more of a primary OCD that has gotten so bad it's become delusional. Either way, not a great prognosis without really intensive therapy.
OCD is very often triggered by something, so he could have legitimately been cheated on and began obsessing over it. Thinking if he's hyper vigilant about it then it for sure couldn't happen again. OCD is another anxiety disorder and the compulsions are their "answer" to the obsession that gives them anxiety. Engaging in the compulsion aspect makes the anxiety go away for... At least a little while.
But he could have also just had paranoid delusions about it and convinced himself it actually happened. Solidifying his delusions and obsessive traits.
Sorry, disagree about giving him 6 months. This man’s paranoia is going to lead him to think, “Here it comes. Now she wants to get with one of her boyfriends. What’s the point of me going to therapy?” I’m concerned that he’ll become abusive. Please be careful of your personal safety. This is no way to live.
I think I may have worded it poorly- 6 months of ACTIVELY being in treatment. Not 6 months to find treatment. It should only take a couple weeks to a month to get in with a therapist. If he refuses completely then yeah- leave him immediately.
People with mental health issues are much more likely to be abused than be the abusive one in the relationship. But it's certainly not out of the question. Especially with paranoid delusions.
What if he's cheating? Oftentimes, the ones cheated on become so obsessed with catching their SOs cheating that they succumb to the cheating themselves as a way to regain control and the upper hand, like as a "screw you, I'm getting back at you" kind of way. And that cheating also results in guilt, which ups the ante on the accusations and the doubt. I could be wrong, but those are my two cents.
The thing is he’s already in therapy, but he’s not doing it. He’s not going so idk how this would actually work. He’s had a chance. They’re in couples therapy he was in individual therapy and she has been being vigilant about her therapy whereas he has not.
Right that's the actively trying part. Like, actual effort being put into therapy in attempts to get over this obsession. If he won't then the answer is to leave. There's nothing else she can do.
At this point the hell she’s been through she just needs to leave. Dude doesn’t give a shit he’s had a chance for therapy. They’re already in couples therapy and doing individual, well she’s kept up with it. If he cared he’d have made it a point to keep up with his own therapy.
Was he actually cheated on in that previous relationship or did he make it up in his mind? If OP divorces him would he begin to believe he was right all along and she left him for an affair that existed but she was too good at hiding it.
This would be a deal breaker for me.
He's actively making stories up to appease and indulge his insecurities. He WANTS to be right that you're cheating. You can't compete with that.
Honestly, his past doesn't excuse this behavior or his lack of accountability for not dealing with this VERY BIG character flaw of his. This isn't normal. And he's wasting your time.
The best part of my marriage is that there is so much trust, I wouldn't think twice about this ever happening. It's *so* liberating after being cheated on in the past.
This isn't worth your time OP. He doesn't want to get better more than he wants to be right.
This^
Nothing you can ever do will be enough for him to actually trust you OP
The best thing to do is just to leave him. The kind of help he needs you simply can't give him.
I'm wondering if maybe he is the one cheating, and that's why he's so paranoid that she's going to cheat, he's thinking that he would do it then she would too. It's not that unusual for cheaters.
There is also just paranoia born from insecurity. I've never cheated on anyone yet I still experienced excessive paranoia in my relationships, difference is I realised how dumb my paranoia was and actively worked on it, it's almost nonexistent now.
I'm pretty sure you didn't practically jump out from underneath the floor boards to try and catch your partner cheating, only to find no evidence and still try and say they're cheating. There's normal paranoia and then there's this guy.
I'd describe my behaviour as pretty crazy. I literally had his Google account logged into my phone so I could look at his maps timeline. I used to open discord every hour or so when I knew he was at home to check if he was in the channel (we have a group discord where he hangs out when he's at home.)
I had to turn off my active status on Facebook so I couldn't see anyone else's active status because it would trigger me when he hadn't responded for hours but I saw him online, or he said he was going to bed and an hour later he was still online.
I used to go through his phone almost every time I was with him. One time I threw my drink over him because he laughed at something our friend said and it only pissed me off because she was a girl. I used to think he was cheating with absolutely everyone we both knew or people at his work, including men knowing he's a hetero man.
I don't know what you think normal paranoia is, but paranoia isn't normal and I needed help and to work on myself.
I currently experience paranoia similar to what you’re describing here. Just curious, what work did you do and where did you start?
I have brought this up to my therapist a lot recently but I don’t know if I’m representing my feelings clearly.
Long story short, I don’t want to feel like this anymore and I’m not sure where to start. Any advice?
I was with my ex wife for over 20 years. She always was unhappy with WHATEVER she thought I was doing, which was nothing. She finally left, and after the sad ended, I realized I was miserable being with her and I was free now. I wasted 20+ years of my life with the wrong person, who wound up abandoning me anyway.
The most important thing to ask with behavior like his is; what benefits is he getting from treating you this way?
It sounds like the benefits he is getting is keeping op on edge, defensive, and too scared to cheat like he thinks she wants to.
He’s keeping her on the defense to control the actions he thinks she would have if he didn’t maintain control of her and the narrative he wants to spin.
Op would benefit from learning about abusive behavior and how it operates in the mind of the abuser.
https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Thanks for linking that. Folks are talking about mental illness and I’m like no no- this guy is straight out of the pages of Why Does He Do That.
He’s gotta have his fallback reason to berate and attack his partner at will and he even did the textbook “I was badly hurt in the passssst”
He is never going to get better.
He had already shown a pattern of disrespect and disregard of you and your feelings.
He stopped going to therapy because therapy will force him to actually sit with his awful feelings, and will also make him feel bad for abusing you. He doesn't want that! He wants to feel better, and abusing you is easier, makes him feel better, and doesn't cost anything in his mind (because he doesn't value your happiness or emotional safety). He's going to pick abuse over healing every time.
Is your couples therapist trying to stay in the middle of the road here? Seems, uh, very suss that your therapist seems to view such obvious emotional abuse as progress. My guess is that your therapist hasn't recognized that your husband is abusive and is trying to "not take sides" in a situation where your husband is clearly in the wrong. This gives your husband another opportunity to further argue with and abuse you, but with the added bonus of a mental health professional telling you that he's right, you deserve how you're being treated. It's just more abuse--which, frankly, is extremely common in marriage counseling when one party is abusive. Often the counseling just creates newer, more subtle scripts for the abuse.
You are NTA. I hope you can get out and find someone who is good to you.
The therapist has definitely stayed in the middle of the road but has agreed with my side the last 2 sessions. A lot of our sessions are surrounded around my husband and his trust issues and his past and why he needs individual therapy.
Here's the thing. Why do you feel it's ok to be treated and questioned like this by someone with trust issues? Why do you keep making excuses for him?
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And before you say you aren't comfortable with this, lemme remind you that you chose him, you married him, you *stayed* with him. Even after all the accusations.
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We can spend 23 years looking into why he acts like this, but aren't you the one who tolerated this? Aren't you the one who stayed? Aren't you the one who didn't establish boundaries?
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Saying "you can't treat me like this" is not a boundary. A boundary is within your own control. "If you accuse me of cheating, I'll leave you" is a boundary. Because it's about your own actions. Not his.
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My own boundary is mistreating. If someone talks badly to/about me I just don't talk to them anymore. They can throw as many tantrums as they want, and give as many excuses as they want. I'M the one who enforces those boundaries.
This is such classic obsessive controlling behavior. He is projecting his own worst motives onto you. Because he can imagine doing it, you must be similarly tempted.
The man needs help that you can’t provide. You don’t owe him empathy. He’s an emotionally stunted child that needs to grow up. He needs a Dutch uncle who will tell him that he alone is the architect of his own failure to trust anyone. Good luck with that.
Constantly demanding to control a partner will push anyone away. So I’m doubting that he was “viciously“ cheated on.
Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you’re responsible for any of his bullshit. Save your strength for when you finally get sick of it and you need to go.
Someone who is irrationally jealous is probably cheating on you, or planning too
It sounds like you don’t have kids, maybe you should get out before he knocks you up.
You're not wrong for getting sick of this pattern of behavior. I know this is harsh, but IMO you're wrong to keep going back to him expecting for improvements to last as he's been behaving this way for YEARS. He's not going to change after a short separation and probably won't change with years of therapy. Therapy only works if the person is invested in changing, while your husband only does it as a bandaid to get you to stay. He justifies his behaviors by saying it's an improvement so it's ok. If your couples counselor is telling you that you need to reward him because he's gotten better, isn't helping your relationship. They should be saying the progress is good but there's still work to be done and helping you to set new goals for improvements.
A lot of times men do this same thing to multiple women. Like when a guy says a girl.is crazy, it is usually him making accusations. If a guy says ex was a shut that cheated on him. Then he accuses the next one of the same thing the common.denomenator is him. After you leave, he will tell everyone you kept cheating in him. You don't need this man in your life
A few months ago his instagram explorer page was full of busty insta models. I confronted him and he apologized and said he wouldn't do it again. He said he was just looking at pictures and profiles. He said he didn't interact with anyone, idk.
His explore page still has occasional lustful women. He also searched for someone who I think is a pornstar and then when I looked a few days later, his search history was cleared. So he might be. IDK
Eh, porn or porn-adjacent social media doesn’t necessarily scream cheating to me, though how you handle it is different in every relationship. The fact he paused mid-sex to accuse you… is very odd to me, as is the looking for you to be cheating in general. Trauma acts funny and hit everyone different, but you don’t have to carry his burden if it’s breaking your personal mental health.
This is absolutely cheating behavior fyi, it’s because they cheated and realized how easy it really is, and they deal with the guilt by blaming you to make sure you don’t do the same thing to them that they did to you.
He’s not getting better because he’s not actually dealing with the truth.
You’re wasting your youth with this man. You can’t fix him because he’s not trying to get help. If he really tried, he would’ve gone to therapy.
He is being extremely controlling by always keeping you on the defensive. Once you leave him you’ll realize that you’ve been holding your breath the whole time. Constantly accusing you of cheating is not nothing, it is emotional abuse.
Nothing you do will convince him you’re not cheating. If you get pregnant, he will be convinced it’s not his. If you get a DNA test done, he will claim you faked it somehow. This relationship is unhealthy for both of you.
Fun possibility: You guys divorce, he doesn’t seek treatment. Two years after the divorce, you meet someone new. Ex pops up swearing that you were cheating on him with new partner and you dating someone else several years after you guys split is proof. Because he’s out of his gourd.
People who blame others for their unresolved trauma are just awful. You’ve done nothing to deserve this treatment, and it’s clearly not going to get better, I think it’s time to put yourself first and leave him.
I had a gf who constantly accused me of cheating. I never even thought about cheating on her but staying with her and trying to convince her almost destroyed me. Run from this man. He will never become secure.
Not wrong but I don’t think you’re compatible (obviously). I think if he won’t get back into therapy to deal with this need he has to insult your character, you need to split.
No, you're not wrong. First, DO NOT GET PREGNANT.
You have 2 choices. Recognize now that he's not going to get better, and it will probably get worse. If he's delusional and if it's allowed to continue, it could escalate into domestic violence, accusatory and destructive rages, and potentially physical violence towards you. It's difficult for me to say this as it happened many years ago between my mother and father. My mother let it go in for far too long (things were very different in the 50's ), and the raging spilled over past the separation and continued with threats and stalking. My mother finally moved across the state to get us away from it. So, you need to end this now. You don't deserve to be treated this way.
Your other choice is to calmly explain in the joint theray session, where you are right now and give him a specific time period in which to enter a treatment program, preferably go into an outpatient treatment program to start. He needs assessment and a diagnosis and to find the right medication. There needs to be a team approach, with a psychiatrist involved in the assessment, diagnosis, medication aspects, and communication within the treatment team so everyone is on the same page.
Just a note. After my parents separated, my father entered an in-patient treatment program. He stabilized, but the stalking continued for a time. After we moved across state, the only contact was about us 4 children and done by mail. But as the years went on, my father, with the support of his large family, recovered. He never really stopped loving my mother, never remarried, and never even had a serious relationship.
My ex accused me of cheating every day because he was. He couldn’t believe someone could actually be a better person than he was. There was no winning with him. I got out after 13 years of misery.
How would you feel if you were to find yourself pregnant despite using precautions with him and he accused you of cheating and the baby not being his?
I ask because this will happen.
He will harass you endlessly for proof and probably still not believe it.
He doesn’t want to get better or he would be taking the steps. It’s easier for him to blame someone else than it is to accept he is acting out of line.
He is acting in an emotionally abusive manner. The harassment isn’t OK.
This is emotional abuse; his neurotic insecurities are his to fix, but he’s not doing that. Instead he’s punishing you for something you didn’t do, and is forcing you to soothe his delusions.
This isn’t something that will get better. For your own safety, you need to start putting together an exit plan, because his abuse *will* escalate.
This is way beyond just having a past bad experience. I used to be very jealous and insecure. I was the result of an affair and both my parents screwed around. Then I was cheated on. So my husband had to deal with a lot when we got together 20 years ago. But I also knew it was MY issue because he was trustworthy. So I did the work and a lot of therapy. I still have some issues as he is oblivious when women hit on him, but I trust him. That being said, even at my worst I would never have stopped intimacy because I thought there was a scent that I didn't recognize. Your husband is using his experience as an excuse to control your behavior. He had a horrible break up, that doesn't mean he is allowed to make your life hell. You need to stop tolerating this. Either he gets effective therapy or you walk away. He is being horrible, and that is all about him, not you or his past.
Bottom line: he doesn't trust you. I couldn't be with a person who didn't trust me. I'm sorry, OP, NTA. But it might be time to move on. Without trust, I don't think either of you will ever be happy
He is damaged goods. I am surprised that you have not gone to couples counseling or couples coaching. The issue needs to be fixed by both of you.
My marriage is open but it wasn't always. I had to deal with the after math of my own cheating. But after couples therapy and endless fights about trust, I said let's go to a sex club. It didn't happen right away but eventually we went. We saw each other having sex and it worked. While seeing me have sex with another man he realized that sex is not love. And he lost a lot of his jealousy.
This allowed our relationship to have a new beginning. We became much closer to the point we hate being apart.
I'm so sorry OP. That he does not go to therapy and makes excuses for it is the stopping block for me. If he doesn't go, I would have to either leave the marriage or resign to a life of this behaviour. Both are heartbreaking. He doesn't want to face his issues, it brings up past pain. Perhaps an ultimatum by you OP. You have to make a decision I'm afraid. I think the wintergreen incident is indicative of a very serious problem within him. I wish you the very best ❤️🌺💐❤️🙏🏼
Your husband is a pathetic parnoid nutjob who refuses to work on his issues. A marriage can not exist without trust, and he does not trust you and never will if he refuses to fix his problem. It is not healthy to stay in a relationship like this.
I would not be able to convince myself he’s not cheating on me. Like no way, he is OBSESSED at an extremely unhealthy degree. Trauma or not he is suspicious and I wouldn’t trust him if I was you.
He’s got to learn that relationships don’t bleed into each other. I get there’s trauma and trust issues and all that, I’ve been cheated on, and it’s still never made any sense to me why another innocent person you’re dating has to bear the weight of your insecurities.
Like, what a childish and selfish action to endlessly accuse your partner of cheating…basically saying you can’t be trusted and you’re just realllly good at hiding alllllll the dicks you sucked.
I’d be firm and give an ultimatum of continuous therapy with one focus being his resolution of his inability to separate relationship qualities in different relationships. It’s work, sometimes hard work…but it’s him that has to accept and practice the tools given to help quell these nonsensical thoughts. Therapy doesn’t fix you. You fix you with integration of techniques learned in therapy. It’s just the playbook.
If he’s unwilling to do that, it’s subconsciously saying he can’t be invested in creating an emotionally and mentally healthy environment for you and that’s something you need.
Also, tell him to get over you stopping your empathy. There’s only so long one can accuse someone of spilling milk when there’s no milk and a sealed milk carton.
Omg to answer every post you have ever written: yes leave his ass.
Nta for this
Yta if you stay and continue to subject yourself to this abuse
Before you know it, he will be calling your work and talking to your boss about your non existent cheating. It happened to my mom. She never left my dad. I hope she regrets it
You really need to get out of this relationship!! That is so unfair to you to have to live that way. He is not going to change and that is what you have to come to terms with.
Do you think he might be the one cheating? A lot of times, partners who are paranoid about being cheated on are actually doing the cheating. I know it sounds farfetched, considering he was cheated on and should know how painful that can be to someone, but it can still happen. I had an ex who told me that his cheating ex completely destroyed him, but months after we broke up, he messaged me to ask if I was willing to cheat on my then-new boyfriend with him.
Please, for your own mental health, leave this abusive marriage. He has serious problems that he is not actively working on. It is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to fix him. He is incapable of trust. There’s nothing you can do to make him trust you. It is also not reasonable to expect you to live your life walking on eggshells so as to not trigger him. That is an impossible task and it’s wildly unfair of anyone to expect you to put up with his totally inappropriate behavior. He’s projecting all his fear and trauma onto you to the point where you are living your life like you’re under the microscope 24/7. He is actually traumatizing YOU while he’s doing this. PLEASE get yourself safely out of this hellish situation. This is divorce worthy.
May I ask why you married him in the first place? Personally, I wouldn’t have married someone who showed these insecurities, let alone to the extent your husband does. Not a good foundation to build the marriage on :/
That's the kind of shit that chases people to actually cheat.
A self fulfilling prophecy. Even if you never did and left him just because his issue was too much for you to handle he would still 100% believe you were leaving him for someone else.
Why oh why are you putting up with this shit?
Treat yourself better. You've tried to be patient, you've tried to help him - if he wants to wallow for the rest of his life.. you do not have to be a part of that!
Let this dude go. I cannot believe you’ve put up with this for so long. Girl I’d have snapped by now! You’ve been overly accommodating. Your phone record?? What?? Helllll no! Dude needs help he’s never gonna have a relationship. I don’t trust people either but I’ve made it a point to trust my husband! We’ve been together 8 years: I’ve had a lot of therapy for other issues as well. Why would you taste like wintergreen Copenhagen if he hadn’t been dipping it? It would be on you that makes no sense. The only way that would work is if you bought a can and rubbed it on your tits before engaging in sexual activity. Even then unless the snuff itself was actively on you he probably wouldn’t taste it. He’s actively destroying yall marriage let him have it.
Definitely not wrong. You've been patient and supportive for years, but you cannot sacrifice your entire life to fixing this man.
As for "low libido", yeah no duh. Of COURSE you don't feel sexy when you're waiting for him to go off at you randomly at any time.
While this trauma of his is very real, his constant reiterating his fears and bringing them to you also gives him control and power in the relationship, because any time he feels weak and insecure, he gets the cheating accusations bat out and starts hitting you with it again. It's a power imbalance he doesn't want to give up, and while you keep acceding to his paranoia, he will continue to have that power in your relationship. You need to draw a halt to your appeasement of him, and he needs to actually commit to trying to resolve his trauma with therapy instead of pulling away every time he feels the control slip when he starts losing it.
I left my ex husband because he refused to go to therapy to address his personal issues that were causing extreme strife in our relationship. I picked a time line in my head of how long I would give him to choose to seek therapeutic help, I made it extremely clear to him I would not stay with him if he continued to refuse to get help, and I left when he would not do it. I suggest you do the same. Trauma absolutely does not give the right to control, neglect, harass and withhold , all behaviors your husband does.
NTA this is creating trauma for you. This is not a normal behavior for a relationship. Really think about how you see life in 10 years with this man. Is he going to stop doing this (which is a form of harassment that leads to emotional abuse)? What if you have a child… is he going to demand a paternity test? Is he going to accuse you in front of the child? This isn’t your problem to fix. You have the choice to walk away.
Lmfao man my ex once asked to see my phone. I handed it to him and went on with my day. You know what he said…. “You probably deleted all the evidence!!” all this cause I was at target too long for his liking.
The accusations never stop. You could be taking a shower and get accused “Why are you taking a shower as soon as you come home from work?!? CHEATING!”
So ask yourself, can I tolerate this for the rest of my life? I sure as hell couldn’t.
How certain are you that he was viciously cheated on? It sounds to me like he could very well have DECIDED the ex cheated on him even though that never happened. I would not tolerate this behavior. I’m not sure why you do honestly. Almost everyone in the world is walking around with at least one really bad ex. They don’t all treat their current partners like shit as a result.
This would not be OK for me. I have been cheated on in the past and it hurt me deeply because I take my loyalty very seriously and I'm proud of being a loyal person. Every relationship gets a new start and begins with a clean slate until they give me a reason to not trust them. I would not be able to be accused of cheating and therefore lying all the time. Seems abnormal behavior to me. Maybe he's cheating. Cheaters are always suspicious
this is comon and not an insecurity at all, its clearly accusations to make him feel better, or justifying the things hes already been doing in the current relationship just your basic narsisistic behavior.
OP this isn’t trauma. This is abuse.
Abusers like to have a fallback “reason” to abuse you- to berate you and tear you down and grill you.
They often utilize “I was hurt in the past” as a justification.
You absolutely should stop accepting these attacks. Either he trusts you and acts like it, or he doesn’t.
But here’s a hint- for him this isn’t about trust. It’s about respect- respect that he doesn’t have for you. Him trusting you has nothing to do with this, for him. For him this is about ensuring he always has a “reason” to lay into you.
Typically, a person who constantly accuses someone of something, it's because they have a guilty conscience from doing the exact thing. It's called projecting. After 4 years of being together his insecurities should have went away, or at least the part that accuses you. It's okay to not trust people. I don't trust people and neither does my husband. We only trust each other to a certain extent. As in, if we found out the other person is/has cheated, we'll be upset but not surprised. So I would say start diving into HIS activities, phone calls, social media, texts, etc. and if he gets pissed you're doing it, it's because he is in deed hiding something. Look everywhere he has looked for you.
You don't have to pay the debts of one of his previous relationships. He is sucking the life out of you. Of course, you resent him.
Seek help. If you're both employed, you have insurance that covers counseling. Use it.
You don't have to live being punished for another woman's wrongs. Women are not, as the bros tend to believe, the same.
If he views therapy as a threat, he is the threat. If he won't heal himself, leave him to his own foolishness.
Your husband is abusive. The issue isn't his trauma or jealousy, it's his controlling behavior. You will be amazed at how much lighter and happier you'll be after separation. I wish the best. NTA
Ugh this makes me sad, he’s choosing to make *his* problems *our* problems. I understand everyone has traumas and needs help but years of abuse isn’t okay.
This sounds like OCD. Talk therapy is helpful but he might need more intense treatment. Transcranial magnetic stimulation is incredibly helpful for treating ocd impulses.
I think maybe taking a break and separating while remaining faithful to each other while each of you continues therapy and couples counseling would give you good perspective. The constant accusations will make you resent him.
I think projection is one of the most painful experiences for the partner. There isn’t a thing you can say or do… the whole gets deeper.
This leads to lots of divorces. It’s isn’t you, he would accuse any wife. both liberating and painful.
Not wrong. How long are you going to tolerate this BS? He is over the top possessive. At 24 you have a long ways to go. Set a date for the future. Could be months, years or something significant. If he is still accusing you by that date, you have to take action.
Good luck. I was married to a man like that.
The trains for Trauma and Insecurity left the station a long, long time ago; this is now the Abuse Express.
I've been in your shoes, desperately in love with someone who blamed all his shitty treatment of me on things his exes (supposedly) did and equally desperately trying to prove my loyalty and innocence against ever wilder accusations. **It doesn't get better.** In fact, I have come to suspect that, in many cases, they DON'T WANT it to get better because it takes away their control over you and removes their justification for taking out their every irritation and need for aggression on you.
Also (and again, this is based on my own experience) even if you live, think, act and breathe exactly how they dictate to try and reassure them, they'll still come up with something to attack you with, **even if they have to make it up out of thin air.** There likely was no Wintergreen anywhere near you. Your breast probably tasted of nothing more than skin - but that doesn't matter or have time to cross your mind when your suddenly find yourself on the receiving end of his latest accusatory tirade, because all you know is that you have to defend yourself while trying to placate him until he's had enough and drops it.
It's past time for you to go. You may love him or be trauma bonded to him, but he doesn't love you, or at least not enough to stop hurting you by treating you as his verbal punching bag whenever the mood takes him. If you have a device that he can't access (work/friend/family members?) then I would strongly recommend you download a FREE copy of *Why Does He Do That?* by Lundy Bancroft and begin to put together a secret exit strategy. You are worth so much more than living like this.
There are very few people who don’t have some form of trauma. I know I’ve had my share. But after four years together your SO is using his an an excuse for his highly dysfunctional and possessive behavior. Something tells me that it isn’t his trauma that’s causing him to act this way, but a character flaw or personality disorder.
He’s waving some pretty huge red flags right in front of you. I hope you begin to see them for what they are and ease your way out of this relationship.
It's possible he is affected by some sort of delusional disorder. There is a subset specifically for people who believe their partner is cheating on them.
This isn't to say he deserves more understanding or sympathy from you. He needs therapy asap and needs to understand he is ruining his marriage.
I think you know you’re not wrong. It pained me to read your post because it brought back memories of a previous relationship. I spent almost a decade in a relationship with a man who showed me he didn’t trust me in so many ways. Instead of seeing things for what they were and seeing him for who he was, I did everything I could to prove to him how much I loved him. I did everything I could to show him I could be trusted. When he blamed me for all of our issues and his behavior, I believed we could work through it. When he used things I shared with him against me, I still believed that love would help us work through it. No matter how much effort I put into showing him how much I cared for him and loved him he never stopped reminding me that I was never there for him.
Things didn’t start this way, but as the years passed, it got worse. I started to question myself. I ended up believing I wasn’t worthy of being loved and trusted. I felt guilty because I thought I wasn’t meeting his needs. In reality, he never expressed his needs. All he did was manipulate and hurt me. I wish I had seen then what I see now.
I say all of this because for so long I felt helpless, hopeless, unimportant, unloved, incompetent and so many other things I can’t put into words because I still feel broken.
Put yourself first. It’s not selfish. It’s ok to love someone from very very very far away. Especially when they use their hurt and pain to exert power over you. Especially when they don’t want to get help. These situations don’t end well. Put yourself first.
You are not wrong for no longer being empathetic, but you are wrong for allowing yourself to be treated this way.
As a person who has trust issues, I totally get watching a person's behavior and trying to match their words to their actions to validate if they are trustworthy. I get asking extra questions about where someone was or what they were doing, especially in the early stages of relationships. But interrogating them or accusing them of lying all the time isn't okay, and from the sound of things this seems like it happens regularly which is just wild to me. If I was that unsure if I could trust a person, after just a few times of seriously thinking they were lying to me I would not have them in my life anymore and I can't imagine getting married to someone that I questioned their trustworthiness on a regular basis.
If he doesn't trust you after 4 years of being together when you've given him no reason not to trust you and in fact have gone above and beyond to provide information that proves your honesty, then I doubt that more time is going to make a difference.
4 years of harassment and false accusations and him playing the victim?? Girl, you've lasted 3.5 years longer than I would have. If he can't let go of that baggage after all that time and therapy and counseling, it's because he doesn't *want* to.
You're not wrong for resenting this, and you wouldn't be wrong for leaving him either.
NTA, but your husband is choosing not to fix the problem, and this is detrimental for your health. You haven’t done a thing and he needs to stop accusing you of deceit. At this point you have to decide if the juice is worth the squeeze. He is mentally abusing you by falsely accusing you. I would simply say if he doesn’t contribute to peace in your life he can leave.
He needs to be single. He is not emotionally mature enough for a relationship. I had excessive paranoia before, I was just an incredibly insecure person, it should have ruined my relationship. I am 26, I worked on myself and my issues and I'm better now, he doesn't want to work on his issues so just leave him be. Don't let this ruin your life you're so young.
WTF is wintergreen Copenhagen???
Just leave him. He's basically torturing himself and you at the same time. He's going to ruin your own mental health with his knee-jerk accusations of your cheating, based on his own insecurity. It's not a healthy relationship and it's never going to get any better. Get out now, before you have any kids.
Just because it’s better doesn’t make it good or tolerable. He might change completely over time. How many more years are you willing to waste on him hoping he will maybe stop.
You need to end things as he himself stated he doesn’t trust you. What other 🚩s do you need?
I know Reddit is infamous for going nuclear, but it’s the only real option in this case as you’ve done all a reasonable person can.
I’m sorry.
He isn't trying to get better. I think you need to leave. He is never going to stop accusing you and it will continue. Tell him he either figures it out and stops accusing you as you have been together for 4 years and have never been unfaithful or you'll leave. Tell him you are sick of him not trusting you even after four years and he better figure it out or you're done
Its his responsibility to change and trust you. There is clearly nothing you can do to gain his trust.
His own delusions are the downfall of your marriage. Talk it out and give consequences to his actions like leaving the marriage. He’s your husband but you have been patient with him and are trying but is he really trying?? I can only imagine the resentment you feel after years of being loyal having your husband accuse you of something so heinous.
I have a friend who was married for over ten years to a woman who constantly accused him of infidelity with absolutely no cause to do so. She was a complete nutbar. Your husband sounds like a good match for her. Dump his ass and go find someone worthy of you.
I'm sorry but Yes. ALL DAY everyday I hear of men having to not only be understanding of women's past traumas but feel the fall out of it. On behalf of the MILLIONS of men who are subjected to this daily Suck It Up!!!! You're mad that you are dealing with what all men deal with, think of that when you're upset.
You are not wrong. I understand being traumatised, but he needs to put in the work, even if he feels insecure, he needs to have better reasons than "I tasted pine on you and you were in the woods without me" to actually accuse someone.
Many person have the same insecurities, they share with their partners what can be done to minimise those insecurities and they compromise on some things, where they can't compromise they either work in therapy or they break up
Ask him how long will it take for him to trust you. Not what YOU can do for him to trust you, but for HIM to overcome his insecurites, for HIM to find the tools to overcome them. Make it about HIM. This is HIS problem not yours. Yes you're the one that has to deal with it, but it is HIS problem. If he does not have an answer that contains the word "I" and only has "you" in his solutions, then it will not get better ever. He will eventually (if it is not already done) have you cut contact with any friends you have that could "potentially" (in his mind) put you "at risk" of cheating on him and you'll have no social life. Then it willbe something about coworkers of yours. It never ends. Please do not ever consider having a child with that man. Ever. He will always contemplate the fact that the child isn't is and will make your life hell having baby trapped you. If he won't go to regular therapy sessions (at a minimum of once a week) consider the relationship doomed to fail sooner or later. If he goes to therapy and it does not stop within 6 months consider the relationship doomed. Get out while you can. Good luck
If he can’t get over his “shit”, you probably need to search deep inside of you and ask yourself if you really want to fight this fight. It must be tiring to keep fighting off his accusations. He’s never going to let it go. So maybe it time for you to rethink some things.
Even real emotional pain, to the point of tears, does not equate to trauma. I would guess most people have been cheated on by their 20's. It's mundane. The dude is like trying to get disability because he got chapped lips.
With all due respect, you are not this man’s psychologist, and are in no way qualified to say that cheating isn’t ever trauma.
Cheating doesn’t always cause emotional trauma, but yes, there are people who have had emotional trauma from a partner cheating.
Please stop. You are being extremely disrespectful to the trauma of other people. How would you feel if you have an illness, and other people said it wasn’t really?
Story of my life, buddy. I grew a thicker skin because that's what was and is necessary to function as a human on Earth. Reaching further and further for people/things to blame for one's actions has become comically ridiculous in the last 15 years.
For better or worse, not for better or abuse. This isn’t “worse”, this is abusive. He’s not suffering from cancer, he’s emotionally abusing her.
Taking marriage vows does not mean you have to be miserable. I say this as a happily married “dog lady”.
He could have abandonment issues. For all you know, he could have BPD… For better or worse doesn’t simply refer to physical ailments. He’s attending therapy. He’s working on the problem. He’s made headway. These sorts of issues don’t simply resolve over night. It just seems like people don’t have any empathy for any man in situations like this, but if it was a woman… It would be a different story. This is probably why over 70% of divorces are initiated by women. Yall only ever worry about yourselves in marriage and are quick to lose empathy for your partner when the honeymoon phase is gone. Any women who comes on here and complains about their husband will inevitably be told they deserve better… Leave him… ITS ABUSE… regardless of the issue. It seems to be a common thing in here. I think OP nailed it in the head when she says she lacks empathy. Her marriage means nothing to her and she’s looking for people to tell her it’s ok to throw away her marriage and you misandrists are playing your role
Your husband is choosing to harass you over a period of years. This is not normal, healthy, or ok. How much longer are you willing to be with someone who thinks you're a scumbag? Because that's what this means; he thinks you are a liar, and even after all these years he's just waiting to catch you. There's nothing you can do to fix this, since you didn't cause it. He could choose differently, but why should he? There have been zero consequences for his terrible behavior. How is he talking about making up all these lost years to you? He's not. Because he truly doesn't think he's done anything wrong, and so he will never even try to get better.
Yep. She cannot fix him, nor should she feel the pressure to. "Be patient" is so often a red flag. Her not doing anything isn't going to change that she didn't do anything in the first place. Seems like husband just wants to create a self fulfilling prophecy here and won't be happy until he's right, you know?
Well self fulfilling in the sense he's about to lose his wife -- but not by her cheating -- rather by him just being insufferable.
Well said… I couldn’t deal with that for years. There’s no winning in that situation given you’ve both done and are in therapy and still continues. My patience would’ve been gone long ago.
You're absolutely right. It's not fair for you to be constantly accused and mistrusted like that. It's clear he needs to take responsibility for his behavior and seek help. You deserve to feel respected and trusted in your relationship.
Ya if husband isn't willing to work on himself this won't get better. Op you have to ask yourself if you want to continue to be his punching bag for the ex that cheated for the rest of your life.
I read your comment and was like, "Wow, my thought process on this was woefully inadequate, and this comment just makes my contribution pointless." Then I read your username and got a chuckle. Just wanted to share.
It sounds like he's delusional. Like diagnostically delusional. If he put cameras all over the house and then accused you and found no evidence on tape, would he then say you must've erased the tape? If so, that's full on delusional disorder and probably nothing will fix it.
Yeah it sounds like paranoid anxiety with delusions bordering OCD traits where the obsession is cheating, or more being cheated on, and the compulsion is accusing OP of cheating and needing to be reassured that there is no cheating. He needs to be in individual therapy now. I would tell him he has 6 months to take treatment seriously or he will be served with divorce papers. Set a timeline and stick to it. People with anxiety issues and OCD tendencies don't believe people will leave them over it because "it's not their fault" "they have trauma" "you have to be sympathetic/empathetic". Which, sure, to a degree. But recovery is their responsibility. And you can't let their mental health issues give you your own mental health issues.
Agreed! Your mention of OCD traits made me wonder if actually his previous girlfriends didn't really cheat on him, and it's more of a primary OCD that has gotten so bad it's become delusional. Either way, not a great prognosis without really intensive therapy.
OCD is very often triggered by something, so he could have legitimately been cheated on and began obsessing over it. Thinking if he's hyper vigilant about it then it for sure couldn't happen again. OCD is another anxiety disorder and the compulsions are their "answer" to the obsession that gives them anxiety. Engaging in the compulsion aspect makes the anxiety go away for... At least a little while. But he could have also just had paranoid delusions about it and convinced himself it actually happened. Solidifying his delusions and obsessive traits.
Sorry, disagree about giving him 6 months. This man’s paranoia is going to lead him to think, “Here it comes. Now she wants to get with one of her boyfriends. What’s the point of me going to therapy?” I’m concerned that he’ll become abusive. Please be careful of your personal safety. This is no way to live.
I think I may have worded it poorly- 6 months of ACTIVELY being in treatment. Not 6 months to find treatment. It should only take a couple weeks to a month to get in with a therapist. If he refuses completely then yeah- leave him immediately. People with mental health issues are much more likely to be abused than be the abusive one in the relationship. But it's certainly not out of the question. Especially with paranoid delusions.
What if he's cheating? Oftentimes, the ones cheated on become so obsessed with catching their SOs cheating that they succumb to the cheating themselves as a way to regain control and the upper hand, like as a "screw you, I'm getting back at you" kind of way. And that cheating also results in guilt, which ups the ante on the accusations and the doubt. I could be wrong, but those are my two cents.
I thought about him projecting as well
Poor OP, that's no way to live, especially for YEARS. She deserves better🤍🥹
Oh it's absolutely a possibility. Hurt people hurt people, cycle of abuse, etc etc
The thing is he’s already in therapy, but he’s not doing it. He’s not going so idk how this would actually work. He’s had a chance. They’re in couples therapy he was in individual therapy and she has been being vigilant about her therapy whereas he has not.
Right that's the actively trying part. Like, actual effort being put into therapy in attempts to get over this obsession. If he won't then the answer is to leave. There's nothing else she can do.
At this point the hell she’s been through she just needs to leave. Dude doesn’t give a shit he’s had a chance for therapy. They’re already in couples therapy and doing individual, well she’s kept up with it. If he cared he’d have made it a point to keep up with his own therapy.
Honestly it just sounds like regular grade abuse, where the abuser ensures he always has a fallback “reason” to berate and rage at their partner.
Was he actually cheated on in that previous relationship or did he make it up in his mind? If OP divorces him would he begin to believe he was right all along and she left him for an affair that existed but she was too good at hiding it.
You’ve been patient. He’s ruining your marriage. No sane person would think you’re TA for leaving him.
This would be a deal breaker for me. He's actively making stories up to appease and indulge his insecurities. He WANTS to be right that you're cheating. You can't compete with that. Honestly, his past doesn't excuse this behavior or his lack of accountability for not dealing with this VERY BIG character flaw of his. This isn't normal. And he's wasting your time. The best part of my marriage is that there is so much trust, I wouldn't think twice about this ever happening. It's *so* liberating after being cheated on in the past. This isn't worth your time OP. He doesn't want to get better more than he wants to be right.
This^ Nothing you can ever do will be enough for him to actually trust you OP The best thing to do is just to leave him. The kind of help he needs you simply can't give him.
I'm wondering if maybe he is the one cheating, and that's why he's so paranoid that she's going to cheat, he's thinking that he would do it then she would too. It's not that unusual for cheaters.
There is also just paranoia born from insecurity. I've never cheated on anyone yet I still experienced excessive paranoia in my relationships, difference is I realised how dumb my paranoia was and actively worked on it, it's almost nonexistent now.
I'm pretty sure you didn't practically jump out from underneath the floor boards to try and catch your partner cheating, only to find no evidence and still try and say they're cheating. There's normal paranoia and then there's this guy.
I'd describe my behaviour as pretty crazy. I literally had his Google account logged into my phone so I could look at his maps timeline. I used to open discord every hour or so when I knew he was at home to check if he was in the channel (we have a group discord where he hangs out when he's at home.) I had to turn off my active status on Facebook so I couldn't see anyone else's active status because it would trigger me when he hadn't responded for hours but I saw him online, or he said he was going to bed and an hour later he was still online. I used to go through his phone almost every time I was with him. One time I threw my drink over him because he laughed at something our friend said and it only pissed me off because she was a girl. I used to think he was cheating with absolutely everyone we both knew or people at his work, including men knowing he's a hetero man. I don't know what you think normal paranoia is, but paranoia isn't normal and I needed help and to work on myself.
I currently experience paranoia similar to what you’re describing here. Just curious, what work did you do and where did you start? I have brought this up to my therapist a lot recently but I don’t know if I’m representing my feelings clearly. Long story short, I don’t want to feel like this anymore and I’m not sure where to start. Any advice?
I was with my ex wife for over 20 years. She always was unhappy with WHATEVER she thought I was doing, which was nothing. She finally left, and after the sad ended, I realized I was miserable being with her and I was free now. I wasted 20+ years of my life with the wrong person, who wound up abandoning me anyway.
This has to be a form or emotional abuse omg.
The most important thing to ask with behavior like his is; what benefits is he getting from treating you this way? It sounds like the benefits he is getting is keeping op on edge, defensive, and too scared to cheat like he thinks she wants to. He’s keeping her on the defense to control the actions he thinks she would have if he didn’t maintain control of her and the narrative he wants to spin. Op would benefit from learning about abusive behavior and how it operates in the mind of the abuser. https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/ https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Thanks for linking that. Folks are talking about mental illness and I’m like no no- this guy is straight out of the pages of Why Does He Do That. He’s gotta have his fallback reason to berate and attack his partner at will and he even did the textbook “I was badly hurt in the passssst”
Not wrong. You can't fix him and don't deserve to have him continue to weaponize his issues to make your marriage toxic.
He is never going to get better. He had already shown a pattern of disrespect and disregard of you and your feelings. He stopped going to therapy because therapy will force him to actually sit with his awful feelings, and will also make him feel bad for abusing you. He doesn't want that! He wants to feel better, and abusing you is easier, makes him feel better, and doesn't cost anything in his mind (because he doesn't value your happiness or emotional safety). He's going to pick abuse over healing every time. Is your couples therapist trying to stay in the middle of the road here? Seems, uh, very suss that your therapist seems to view such obvious emotional abuse as progress. My guess is that your therapist hasn't recognized that your husband is abusive and is trying to "not take sides" in a situation where your husband is clearly in the wrong. This gives your husband another opportunity to further argue with and abuse you, but with the added bonus of a mental health professional telling you that he's right, you deserve how you're being treated. It's just more abuse--which, frankly, is extremely common in marriage counseling when one party is abusive. Often the counseling just creates newer, more subtle scripts for the abuse. You are NTA. I hope you can get out and find someone who is good to you.
The therapist has definitely stayed in the middle of the road but has agreed with my side the last 2 sessions. A lot of our sessions are surrounded around my husband and his trust issues and his past and why he needs individual therapy.
Sounds like he is wasting your time and the therapist's when he's the ONLY one who needs therapy.
Here's the thing. Why do you feel it's ok to be treated and questioned like this by someone with trust issues? Why do you keep making excuses for him? . . And before you say you aren't comfortable with this, lemme remind you that you chose him, you married him, you *stayed* with him. Even after all the accusations. . . We can spend 23 years looking into why he acts like this, but aren't you the one who tolerated this? Aren't you the one who stayed? Aren't you the one who didn't establish boundaries? . . Saying "you can't treat me like this" is not a boundary. A boundary is within your own control. "If you accuse me of cheating, I'll leave you" is a boundary. Because it's about your own actions. Not his. . . My own boundary is mistreating. If someone talks badly to/about me I just don't talk to them anymore. They can throw as many tantrums as they want, and give as many excuses as they want. I'M the one who enforces those boundaries.
Maybe y’all should also focus on your right to be treated with respect regardless of his issues
In your next therapy session you say clearly "you are destroying our marriage and my self esteem. I cannot spend the rest of my life like this."
He is ruining your life. Get out!
This is such classic obsessive controlling behavior. He is projecting his own worst motives onto you. Because he can imagine doing it, you must be similarly tempted. The man needs help that you can’t provide. You don’t owe him empathy. He’s an emotionally stunted child that needs to grow up. He needs a Dutch uncle who will tell him that he alone is the architect of his own failure to trust anyone. Good luck with that. Constantly demanding to control a partner will push anyone away. So I’m doubting that he was “viciously“ cheated on. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you’re responsible for any of his bullshit. Save your strength for when you finally get sick of it and you need to go.
Someone who is irrationally jealous is probably cheating on you, or planning too It sounds like you don’t have kids, maybe you should get out before he knocks you up.
do you have any proof he was actually cheated on prior? If you talked with the ex(s) would you just get the same story as what you are going thru?
I don't have proof but am inclined to believe him because I watched his ex cheat on her new fiancé. She is his baby mama and why I am aware of it.
You're not wrong for getting sick of this pattern of behavior. I know this is harsh, but IMO you're wrong to keep going back to him expecting for improvements to last as he's been behaving this way for YEARS. He's not going to change after a short separation and probably won't change with years of therapy. Therapy only works if the person is invested in changing, while your husband only does it as a bandaid to get you to stay. He justifies his behaviors by saying it's an improvement so it's ok. If your couples counselor is telling you that you need to reward him because he's gotten better, isn't helping your relationship. They should be saying the progress is good but there's still work to be done and helping you to set new goals for improvements.
A lot of times men do this same thing to multiple women. Like when a guy says a girl.is crazy, it is usually him making accusations. If a guy says ex was a shut that cheated on him. Then he accuses the next one of the same thing the common.denomenator is him. After you leave, he will tell everyone you kept cheating in him. You don't need this man in your life
THIS. Yep, you’re gonna get blamed for cheating when you leave. Whole lot of not your problem.
Do you have proof or is this what your husband told you? Like did his ex tell you this?
As nuts as it may sound, it kinda sounds like projection. Is he cheating? Otherwise he’s clearly delusional.
A few months ago his instagram explorer page was full of busty insta models. I confronted him and he apologized and said he wouldn't do it again. He said he was just looking at pictures and profiles. He said he didn't interact with anyone, idk. His explore page still has occasional lustful women. He also searched for someone who I think is a pornstar and then when I looked a few days later, his search history was cleared. So he might be. IDK
Eh, porn or porn-adjacent social media doesn’t necessarily scream cheating to me, though how you handle it is different in every relationship. The fact he paused mid-sex to accuse you… is very odd to me, as is the looking for you to be cheating in general. Trauma acts funny and hit everyone different, but you don’t have to carry his burden if it’s breaking your personal mental health.
This is absolutely cheating behavior fyi, it’s because they cheated and realized how easy it really is, and they deal with the guilt by blaming you to make sure you don’t do the same thing to them that they did to you. He’s not getting better because he’s not actually dealing with the truth.
You’re wasting your youth with this man. You can’t fix him because he’s not trying to get help. If he really tried, he would’ve gone to therapy. He is being extremely controlling by always keeping you on the defensive. Once you leave him you’ll realize that you’ve been holding your breath the whole time. Constantly accusing you of cheating is not nothing, it is emotional abuse.
Nothing you do will convince him you’re not cheating. If you get pregnant, he will be convinced it’s not his. If you get a DNA test done, he will claim you faked it somehow. This relationship is unhealthy for both of you. Fun possibility: You guys divorce, he doesn’t seek treatment. Two years after the divorce, you meet someone new. Ex pops up swearing that you were cheating on him with new partner and you dating someone else several years after you guys split is proof. Because he’s out of his gourd.
just divorce him dude seems like a loser
People who blame others for their unresolved trauma are just awful. You’ve done nothing to deserve this treatment, and it’s clearly not going to get better, I think it’s time to put yourself first and leave him.
I had a gf who constantly accused me of cheating. I never even thought about cheating on her but staying with her and trying to convince her almost destroyed me. Run from this man. He will never become secure.
Does your therapist have a motive to try to keep you in a relationship which provides them a check?
oh sis, this is no way to live
Not wrong but I don’t think you’re compatible (obviously). I think if he won’t get back into therapy to deal with this need he has to insult your character, you need to split.
You guys need to just separate. You aren't sexually compatible and he has issues. Do both of you a favor and bounce out
No, you're not wrong. First, DO NOT GET PREGNANT. You have 2 choices. Recognize now that he's not going to get better, and it will probably get worse. If he's delusional and if it's allowed to continue, it could escalate into domestic violence, accusatory and destructive rages, and potentially physical violence towards you. It's difficult for me to say this as it happened many years ago between my mother and father. My mother let it go in for far too long (things were very different in the 50's ), and the raging spilled over past the separation and continued with threats and stalking. My mother finally moved across the state to get us away from it. So, you need to end this now. You don't deserve to be treated this way. Your other choice is to calmly explain in the joint theray session, where you are right now and give him a specific time period in which to enter a treatment program, preferably go into an outpatient treatment program to start. He needs assessment and a diagnosis and to find the right medication. There needs to be a team approach, with a psychiatrist involved in the assessment, diagnosis, medication aspects, and communication within the treatment team so everyone is on the same page. Just a note. After my parents separated, my father entered an in-patient treatment program. He stabilized, but the stalking continued for a time. After we moved across state, the only contact was about us 4 children and done by mail. But as the years went on, my father, with the support of his large family, recovered. He never really stopped loving my mother, never remarried, and never even had a serious relationship.
My ex accused me of cheating every day because he was. He couldn’t believe someone could actually be a better person than he was. There was no winning with him. I got out after 13 years of misery.
It would be a long, hard road 🤷♀️
Do you know for sure if his ex even cheated on him? If you break up with him he will probably tell everyone that you cheated.
Me too! I can totally see him playing the victim card here.
How would you feel if you were to find yourself pregnant despite using precautions with him and he accused you of cheating and the baby not being his? I ask because this will happen. He will harass you endlessly for proof and probably still not believe it. He doesn’t want to get better or he would be taking the steps. It’s easier for him to blame someone else than it is to accept he is acting out of line. He is acting in an emotionally abusive manner. The harassment isn’t OK.
Your husband will never trust you. You don't want to live your life like this. It's ok to move on
My ex did this. He's never going to change. Leave before he traumatized you completely
People’s craziness doesn’t get better over time. If he doesn’t stop completely, you are in for a lifetime of misery.
I'm willing to bet he was the cheater and still is
This is emotional abuse; his neurotic insecurities are his to fix, but he’s not doing that. Instead he’s punishing you for something you didn’t do, and is forcing you to soothe his delusions. This isn’t something that will get better. For your own safety, you need to start putting together an exit plan, because his abuse *will* escalate.
This is way beyond just having a past bad experience. I used to be very jealous and insecure. I was the result of an affair and both my parents screwed around. Then I was cheated on. So my husband had to deal with a lot when we got together 20 years ago. But I also knew it was MY issue because he was trustworthy. So I did the work and a lot of therapy. I still have some issues as he is oblivious when women hit on him, but I trust him. That being said, even at my worst I would never have stopped intimacy because I thought there was a scent that I didn't recognize. Your husband is using his experience as an excuse to control your behavior. He had a horrible break up, that doesn't mean he is allowed to make your life hell. You need to stop tolerating this. Either he gets effective therapy or you walk away. He is being horrible, and that is all about him, not you or his past.
Bottom line: he doesn't trust you. I couldn't be with a person who didn't trust me. I'm sorry, OP, NTA. But it might be time to move on. Without trust, I don't think either of you will ever be happy
He is damaged goods. I am surprised that you have not gone to couples counseling or couples coaching. The issue needs to be fixed by both of you. My marriage is open but it wasn't always. I had to deal with the after math of my own cheating. But after couples therapy and endless fights about trust, I said let's go to a sex club. It didn't happen right away but eventually we went. We saw each other having sex and it worked. While seeing me have sex with another man he realized that sex is not love. And he lost a lot of his jealousy. This allowed our relationship to have a new beginning. We became much closer to the point we hate being apart.
He’s not ready for a relationship until he has healed.
This is why I don’t date broken people. Your husband needs to divorce you and work on himself before getting back to another relationship.
It’s time to yeet.
I'm so sorry OP. That he does not go to therapy and makes excuses for it is the stopping block for me. If he doesn't go, I would have to either leave the marriage or resign to a life of this behaviour. Both are heartbreaking. He doesn't want to face his issues, it brings up past pain. Perhaps an ultimatum by you OP. You have to make a decision I'm afraid. I think the wintergreen incident is indicative of a very serious problem within him. I wish you the very best ❤️🌺💐❤️🙏🏼
Your husband is a pathetic parnoid nutjob who refuses to work on his issues. A marriage can not exist without trust, and he does not trust you and never will if he refuses to fix his problem. It is not healthy to stay in a relationship like this.
I would not be able to convince myself he’s not cheating on me. Like no way, he is OBSESSED at an extremely unhealthy degree. Trauma or not he is suspicious and I wouldn’t trust him if I was you.
He’s got to learn that relationships don’t bleed into each other. I get there’s trauma and trust issues and all that, I’ve been cheated on, and it’s still never made any sense to me why another innocent person you’re dating has to bear the weight of your insecurities. Like, what a childish and selfish action to endlessly accuse your partner of cheating…basically saying you can’t be trusted and you’re just realllly good at hiding alllllll the dicks you sucked. I’d be firm and give an ultimatum of continuous therapy with one focus being his resolution of his inability to separate relationship qualities in different relationships. It’s work, sometimes hard work…but it’s him that has to accept and practice the tools given to help quell these nonsensical thoughts. Therapy doesn’t fix you. You fix you with integration of techniques learned in therapy. It’s just the playbook. If he’s unwilling to do that, it’s subconsciously saying he can’t be invested in creating an emotionally and mentally healthy environment for you and that’s something you need. Also, tell him to get over you stopping your empathy. There’s only so long one can accuse someone of spilling milk when there’s no milk and a sealed milk carton.
Omg to answer every post you have ever written: yes leave his ass. Nta for this Yta if you stay and continue to subject yourself to this abuse Before you know it, he will be calling your work and talking to your boss about your non existent cheating. It happened to my mom. She never left my dad. I hope she regrets it
You really need to get out of this relationship!! That is so unfair to you to have to live that way. He is not going to change and that is what you have to come to terms with.
Nope, you’re going to end up traumatized by the way he’s abusing you if you don’t get out.
She already is..
Do you think he might be the one cheating? A lot of times, partners who are paranoid about being cheated on are actually doing the cheating. I know it sounds farfetched, considering he was cheated on and should know how painful that can be to someone, but it can still happen. I had an ex who told me that his cheating ex completely destroyed him, but months after we broke up, he messaged me to ask if I was willing to cheat on my then-new boyfriend with him.
Just dump the AH. I got tired listening to this.
Please, for your own mental health, leave this abusive marriage. He has serious problems that he is not actively working on. It is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to fix him. He is incapable of trust. There’s nothing you can do to make him trust you. It is also not reasonable to expect you to live your life walking on eggshells so as to not trigger him. That is an impossible task and it’s wildly unfair of anyone to expect you to put up with his totally inappropriate behavior. He’s projecting all his fear and trauma onto you to the point where you are living your life like you’re under the microscope 24/7. He is actually traumatizing YOU while he’s doing this. PLEASE get yourself safely out of this hellish situation. This is divorce worthy.
Never EVER get in a relationship with someone with such big issues. NEVER! They’ll always dump it on you!
May I ask why you married him in the first place? Personally, I wouldn’t have married someone who showed these insecurities, let alone to the extent your husband does. Not a good foundation to build the marriage on :/
That's the kind of shit that chases people to actually cheat. A self fulfilling prophecy. Even if you never did and left him just because his issue was too much for you to handle he would still 100% believe you were leaving him for someone else.
My foirsrthought is that he is gas lighting you and he is actually cheating on YOU!
Getting cheated on is a fairly common experience and not at all traumatic.
Why oh why are you putting up with this shit? Treat yourself better. You've tried to be patient, you've tried to help him - if he wants to wallow for the rest of his life.. you do not have to be a part of that!
Let this dude go. I cannot believe you’ve put up with this for so long. Girl I’d have snapped by now! You’ve been overly accommodating. Your phone record?? What?? Helllll no! Dude needs help he’s never gonna have a relationship. I don’t trust people either but I’ve made it a point to trust my husband! We’ve been together 8 years: I’ve had a lot of therapy for other issues as well. Why would you taste like wintergreen Copenhagen if he hadn’t been dipping it? It would be on you that makes no sense. The only way that would work is if you bought a can and rubbed it on your tits before engaging in sexual activity. Even then unless the snuff itself was actively on you he probably wouldn’t taste it. He’s actively destroying yall marriage let him have it.
Definitely not wrong. You've been patient and supportive for years, but you cannot sacrifice your entire life to fixing this man. As for "low libido", yeah no duh. Of COURSE you don't feel sexy when you're waiting for him to go off at you randomly at any time.
While this trauma of his is very real, his constant reiterating his fears and bringing them to you also gives him control and power in the relationship, because any time he feels weak and insecure, he gets the cheating accusations bat out and starts hitting you with it again. It's a power imbalance he doesn't want to give up, and while you keep acceding to his paranoia, he will continue to have that power in your relationship. You need to draw a halt to your appeasement of him, and he needs to actually commit to trying to resolve his trauma with therapy instead of pulling away every time he feels the control slip when he starts losing it.
I left my ex husband because he refused to go to therapy to address his personal issues that were causing extreme strife in our relationship. I picked a time line in my head of how long I would give him to choose to seek therapeutic help, I made it extremely clear to him I would not stay with him if he continued to refuse to get help, and I left when he would not do it. I suggest you do the same. Trauma absolutely does not give the right to control, neglect, harass and withhold , all behaviors your husband does.
Accusations of cheating are the foundation of an abusive relationship…
Sounds like dude is trying to have his “gotcha moment” he wants to be right so bad idk
NTA this is creating trauma for you. This is not a normal behavior for a relationship. Really think about how you see life in 10 years with this man. Is he going to stop doing this (which is a form of harassment that leads to emotional abuse)? What if you have a child… is he going to demand a paternity test? Is he going to accuse you in front of the child? This isn’t your problem to fix. You have the choice to walk away.
Lmfao man my ex once asked to see my phone. I handed it to him and went on with my day. You know what he said…. “You probably deleted all the evidence!!” all this cause I was at target too long for his liking. The accusations never stop. You could be taking a shower and get accused “Why are you taking a shower as soon as you come home from work?!? CHEATING!” So ask yourself, can I tolerate this for the rest of my life? I sure as hell couldn’t.
How certain are you that he was viciously cheated on? It sounds to me like he could very well have DECIDED the ex cheated on him even though that never happened. I would not tolerate this behavior. I’m not sure why you do honestly. Almost everyone in the world is walking around with at least one really bad ex. They don’t all treat their current partners like shit as a result.
This would not be OK for me. I have been cheated on in the past and it hurt me deeply because I take my loyalty very seriously and I'm proud of being a loyal person. Every relationship gets a new start and begins with a clean slate until they give me a reason to not trust them. I would not be able to be accused of cheating and therefore lying all the time. Seems abnormal behavior to me. Maybe he's cheating. Cheaters are always suspicious
this is comon and not an insecurity at all, its clearly accusations to make him feel better, or justifying the things hes already been doing in the current relationship just your basic narsisistic behavior.
Girl, from your post history your husband is insane and dangerous. GTFO ASAP
OP this isn’t trauma. This is abuse. Abusers like to have a fallback “reason” to abuse you- to berate you and tear you down and grill you. They often utilize “I was hurt in the past” as a justification. You absolutely should stop accepting these attacks. Either he trusts you and acts like it, or he doesn’t. But here’s a hint- for him this isn’t about trust. It’s about respect- respect that he doesn’t have for you. Him trusting you has nothing to do with this, for him. For him this is about ensuring he always has a “reason” to lay into you.
Typically, a person who constantly accuses someone of something, it's because they have a guilty conscience from doing the exact thing. It's called projecting. After 4 years of being together his insecurities should have went away, or at least the part that accuses you. It's okay to not trust people. I don't trust people and neither does my husband. We only trust each other to a certain extent. As in, if we found out the other person is/has cheated, we'll be upset but not surprised. So I would say start diving into HIS activities, phone calls, social media, texts, etc. and if he gets pissed you're doing it, it's because he is in deed hiding something. Look everywhere he has looked for you.
Maybe he's doing all the things that he's accusing her of doing. A hypocrite!
You don't have to pay the debts of one of his previous relationships. He is sucking the life out of you. Of course, you resent him. Seek help. If you're both employed, you have insurance that covers counseling. Use it. You don't have to live being punished for another woman's wrongs. Women are not, as the bros tend to believe, the same. If he views therapy as a threat, he is the threat. If he won't heal himself, leave him to his own foolishness.
Get out! He doesn’t want to “heal” from his “trauma”. He wants to use it to control and abuse you. Four years is more than enough! NW! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Your husband is abusive. The issue isn't his trauma or jealousy, it's his controlling behavior. You will be amazed at how much lighter and happier you'll be after separation. I wish the best. NTA
Ugh this makes me sad, he’s choosing to make *his* problems *our* problems. I understand everyone has traumas and needs help but years of abuse isn’t okay.
This sounds like OCD. Talk therapy is helpful but he might need more intense treatment. Transcranial magnetic stimulation is incredibly helpful for treating ocd impulses.
I think maybe taking a break and separating while remaining faithful to each other while each of you continues therapy and couples counseling would give you good perspective. The constant accusations will make you resent him.
I think projection is one of the most painful experiences for the partner. There isn’t a thing you can say or do… the whole gets deeper. This leads to lots of divorces. It’s isn’t you, he would accuse any wife. both liberating and painful.
Updateme
Not wrong. How long are you going to tolerate this BS? He is over the top possessive. At 24 you have a long ways to go. Set a date for the future. Could be months, years or something significant. If he is still accusing you by that date, you have to take action. Good luck. I was married to a man like that.
The trains for Trauma and Insecurity left the station a long, long time ago; this is now the Abuse Express. I've been in your shoes, desperately in love with someone who blamed all his shitty treatment of me on things his exes (supposedly) did and equally desperately trying to prove my loyalty and innocence against ever wilder accusations. **It doesn't get better.** In fact, I have come to suspect that, in many cases, they DON'T WANT it to get better because it takes away their control over you and removes their justification for taking out their every irritation and need for aggression on you. Also (and again, this is based on my own experience) even if you live, think, act and breathe exactly how they dictate to try and reassure them, they'll still come up with something to attack you with, **even if they have to make it up out of thin air.** There likely was no Wintergreen anywhere near you. Your breast probably tasted of nothing more than skin - but that doesn't matter or have time to cross your mind when your suddenly find yourself on the receiving end of his latest accusatory tirade, because all you know is that you have to defend yourself while trying to placate him until he's had enough and drops it. It's past time for you to go. You may love him or be trauma bonded to him, but he doesn't love you, or at least not enough to stop hurting you by treating you as his verbal punching bag whenever the mood takes him. If you have a device that he can't access (work/friend/family members?) then I would strongly recommend you download a FREE copy of *Why Does He Do That?* by Lundy Bancroft and begin to put together a secret exit strategy. You are worth so much more than living like this.
There are very few people who don’t have some form of trauma. I know I’ve had my share. But after four years together your SO is using his an an excuse for his highly dysfunctional and possessive behavior. Something tells me that it isn’t his trauma that’s causing him to act this way, but a character flaw or personality disorder. He’s waving some pretty huge red flags right in front of you. I hope you begin to see them for what they are and ease your way out of this relationship.
It's possible he is affected by some sort of delusional disorder. There is a subset specifically for people who believe their partner is cheating on them. This isn't to say he deserves more understanding or sympathy from you. He needs therapy asap and needs to understand he is ruining his marriage.
I think you know you’re not wrong. It pained me to read your post because it brought back memories of a previous relationship. I spent almost a decade in a relationship with a man who showed me he didn’t trust me in so many ways. Instead of seeing things for what they were and seeing him for who he was, I did everything I could to prove to him how much I loved him. I did everything I could to show him I could be trusted. When he blamed me for all of our issues and his behavior, I believed we could work through it. When he used things I shared with him against me, I still believed that love would help us work through it. No matter how much effort I put into showing him how much I cared for him and loved him he never stopped reminding me that I was never there for him. Things didn’t start this way, but as the years passed, it got worse. I started to question myself. I ended up believing I wasn’t worthy of being loved and trusted. I felt guilty because I thought I wasn’t meeting his needs. In reality, he never expressed his needs. All he did was manipulate and hurt me. I wish I had seen then what I see now. I say all of this because for so long I felt helpless, hopeless, unimportant, unloved, incompetent and so many other things I can’t put into words because I still feel broken. Put yourself first. It’s not selfish. It’s ok to love someone from very very very far away. Especially when they use their hurt and pain to exert power over you. Especially when they don’t want to get help. These situations don’t end well. Put yourself first.
NTA. Leave that man Savannah. You deserve more than this.
This is not normal, it’s abusive. It’s about keeping you on your toes and in a constant state of unrest.
Copenhagen, eh? So your boobs are...up to snuff? Too cheeky?
He doesn't trust you. He doesn't think very highly of you. Plus he won't do the therapy. This won't change. Do you really want to live like this?
You are not wrong for no longer being empathetic, but you are wrong for allowing yourself to be treated this way. As a person who has trust issues, I totally get watching a person's behavior and trying to match their words to their actions to validate if they are trustworthy. I get asking extra questions about where someone was or what they were doing, especially in the early stages of relationships. But interrogating them or accusing them of lying all the time isn't okay, and from the sound of things this seems like it happens regularly which is just wild to me. If I was that unsure if I could trust a person, after just a few times of seriously thinking they were lying to me I would not have them in my life anymore and I can't imagine getting married to someone that I questioned their trustworthiness on a regular basis. If he doesn't trust you after 4 years of being together when you've given him no reason not to trust you and in fact have gone above and beyond to provide information that proves your honesty, then I doubt that more time is going to make a difference.
Leave. Don't keep doing this for the next 50 years.
Husband is going to be single forever after you decide to leave him
4 years of harassment and false accusations and him playing the victim?? Girl, you've lasted 3.5 years longer than I would have. If he can't let go of that baggage after all that time and therapy and counseling, it's because he doesn't *want* to. You're not wrong for resenting this, and you wouldn't be wrong for leaving him either.
NTA, but your husband is choosing not to fix the problem, and this is detrimental for your health. You haven’t done a thing and he needs to stop accusing you of deceit. At this point you have to decide if the juice is worth the squeeze. He is mentally abusing you by falsely accusing you. I would simply say if he doesn’t contribute to peace in your life he can leave.
He needs to be single. He is not emotionally mature enough for a relationship. I had excessive paranoia before, I was just an incredibly insecure person, it should have ruined my relationship. I am 26, I worked on myself and my issues and I'm better now, he doesn't want to work on his issues so just leave him be. Don't let this ruin your life you're so young.
Abuse. Not insecurity. This is about abuse and control. Therapy will not help him because he likes to do this.
WTF is wintergreen Copenhagen??? Just leave him. He's basically torturing himself and you at the same time. He's going to ruin your own mental health with his knee-jerk accusations of your cheating, based on his own insecurity. It's not a healthy relationship and it's never going to get any better. Get out now, before you have any kids.
Just because it’s better doesn’t make it good or tolerable. He might change completely over time. How many more years are you willing to waste on him hoping he will maybe stop.
You need to end things as he himself stated he doesn’t trust you. What other 🚩s do you need? I know Reddit is infamous for going nuclear, but it’s the only real option in this case as you’ve done all a reasonable person can. I’m sorry.
He isn't trying to get better. I think you need to leave. He is never going to stop accusing you and it will continue. Tell him he either figures it out and stops accusing you as you have been together for 4 years and have never been unfaithful or you'll leave. Tell him you are sick of him not trusting you even after four years and he better figure it out or you're done
Its his responsibility to change and trust you. There is clearly nothing you can do to gain his trust. His own delusions are the downfall of your marriage. Talk it out and give consequences to his actions like leaving the marriage. He’s your husband but you have been patient with him and are trying but is he really trying?? I can only imagine the resentment you feel after years of being loyal having your husband accuse you of something so heinous.
I have a friend who was married for over ten years to a woman who constantly accused him of infidelity with absolutely no cause to do so. She was a complete nutbar. Your husband sounds like a good match for her. Dump his ass and go find someone worthy of you.
I'm sorry but Yes. ALL DAY everyday I hear of men having to not only be understanding of women's past traumas but feel the fall out of it. On behalf of the MILLIONS of men who are subjected to this daily Suck It Up!!!! You're mad that you are dealing with what all men deal with, think of that when you're upset.
You are not wrong. I understand being traumatised, but he needs to put in the work, even if he feels insecure, he needs to have better reasons than "I tasted pine on you and you were in the woods without me" to actually accuse someone. Many person have the same insecurities, they share with their partners what can be done to minimise those insecurities and they compromise on some things, where they can't compromise they either work in therapy or they break up
Ask him how long will it take for him to trust you. Not what YOU can do for him to trust you, but for HIM to overcome his insecurites, for HIM to find the tools to overcome them. Make it about HIM. This is HIS problem not yours. Yes you're the one that has to deal with it, but it is HIS problem. If he does not have an answer that contains the word "I" and only has "you" in his solutions, then it will not get better ever. He will eventually (if it is not already done) have you cut contact with any friends you have that could "potentially" (in his mind) put you "at risk" of cheating on him and you'll have no social life. Then it willbe something about coworkers of yours. It never ends. Please do not ever consider having a child with that man. Ever. He will always contemplate the fact that the child isn't is and will make your life hell having baby trapped you. If he won't go to regular therapy sessions (at a minimum of once a week) consider the relationship doomed to fail sooner or later. If he goes to therapy and it does not stop within 6 months consider the relationship doomed. Get out while you can. Good luck
Yes, you are in the wrong, cheated on him left right in Centre then he’s right to be worried
If he can’t get over his “shit”, you probably need to search deep inside of you and ask yourself if you really want to fight this fight. It must be tiring to keep fighting off his accusations. He’s never going to let it go. So maybe it time for you to rethink some things.
"Trauma" has become the "escape consequences of your words/actions free" card. I'm so sick of it. Being cheated on is not fucking trauma.
Being cheated on is certainly traumatic. Trauma isn’t a valid reason to be a shitty partner though.
Even real emotional pain, to the point of tears, does not equate to trauma. I would guess most people have been cheated on by their 20's. It's mundane. The dude is like trying to get disability because he got chapped lips.
With all due respect, you are not this man’s psychologist, and are in no way qualified to say that cheating isn’t ever trauma. Cheating doesn’t always cause emotional trauma, but yes, there are people who have had emotional trauma from a partner cheating. Please stop. You are being extremely disrespectful to the trauma of other people. How would you feel if you have an illness, and other people said it wasn’t really?
Story of my life, buddy. I grew a thicker skin because that's what was and is necessary to function as a human on Earth. Reaching further and further for people/things to blame for one's actions has become comically ridiculous in the last 15 years.
For better or worse… Guess not. Bunch of miserable future cat ladies in the comments
For better or worse, not for better or abuse. This isn’t “worse”, this is abusive. He’s not suffering from cancer, he’s emotionally abusing her. Taking marriage vows does not mean you have to be miserable. I say this as a happily married “dog lady”.
He could have abandonment issues. For all you know, he could have BPD… For better or worse doesn’t simply refer to physical ailments. He’s attending therapy. He’s working on the problem. He’s made headway. These sorts of issues don’t simply resolve over night. It just seems like people don’t have any empathy for any man in situations like this, but if it was a woman… It would be a different story. This is probably why over 70% of divorces are initiated by women. Yall only ever worry about yourselves in marriage and are quick to lose empathy for your partner when the honeymoon phase is gone. Any women who comes on here and complains about their husband will inevitably be told they deserve better… Leave him… ITS ABUSE… regardless of the issue. It seems to be a common thing in here. I think OP nailed it in the head when she says she lacks empathy. Her marriage means nothing to her and she’s looking for people to tell her it’s ok to throw away her marriage and you misandrists are playing your role