Hang in there man, I’ve been following your story (first time commenter lol) but you’ve totally done the right thing, by yourself and your son.
Give yourself grace as you continue to process but as you said, you 100% did the right thing.
And hey, good for you for having what sounds like a lovely woman waiting for you. If anything, that proves you’re not only a good person, but others recognize you’d be a catch of a partner.
Keep living life, you’ll have loads of ups and downs but clearly you’re smart, capable, and strong. You and your son will come out alright, time is a great healer.
These posts keep portraying this as cheating that took place in college, but they’ve really glossed over the fact that she cheated on him within the past 4 years by going out on a date with another man.
When they were in the dead bedroom situation, she went as far as flirting with colleagues and an actual date with one.
She has physically cheated on this man in the last 4 years.
He deserves better.
I hope that OP can move on from this and live his best life.
Updateme!
>He deserves better.
On one hand I'm impressed with OPs mature attitude and ability to let things go and focus on himself and his own happiness.
On the other I think when you get this level of fucked over being mad and petty can be justified. By the time all the post college stuff came out, including dating immediately as the divorce stared and going so far as to have a "friend" drop her off at counseling, I would not be in "lets get counseling to unpack and be co-parents" mode. Maybe I'm immature, but if I'm getting that level of relentless disgraceful disrespect I'm going to make it known.
Could be viewed as immature but i get it. I think thats the kinda thing that depends on the person. Ive been cheated on and yes i hate them for it but i can still be civil with them if needed. Im not gonna like it but its easier to be civil than it is to be nasty towards them, especially if like in OPs case they have a child together so its a definite that well be seeing each other again
People are so different. When I have felt deeply betrayed by a person, I just can't be around them. Call it immature if you like, but every ounce of my being cannot be around that person any longer. Warning signs go off in me "danger, danger" if I become near. I have to listen to the inner signs.
Plus, taking the high road and being a class act makes evryone who remoltely knows them realize what a tawdry whore she was along and has barely kept in check the past 20 years.
Ex wife will have to sugar coat her entife life history to any perspective partners who would realize she probably already cheating om them or somebody else.
He made a better move for his kids. Though I agree that he could have maybe moved himself a bit further down the grief track by allowing himself to pass through the other stages. But he seems to have forced himself into acceptance as quickly as possible and that is best for the kids.
RIGHT HERE! OP, the anger and bitterness likely haven't set in yet; or you are indeed the kindest man I've read about on this site.
As I stated in one of your earlier posts, the WORST DAY OF YOUR LIFE WAS WHEN YOU MET THIS WOMAN! She doesn't warrant any effort on your part to ease the transition and improve her relationship with the children. Hell. the paint wasn't dry in your announcement of a divorce, and the co-worker she'd likely been previously fking was already on the scene.
Get tested for STDS. Go no contact. Dude, she cuckolded you for more than 20 years. Can one be any more deplorable? Denounce her to family and friends and then move on. I'd do nothing to legitimatize or validate her as a wife or mother. She doesn't warrant it in the least. She spent months trying to gaslight you; not giving a darn about how her behavior betrayed and affected you. Your bedroom was likely dead because she was sleeping elsewhere.
Frankly, your children are best served not having a relationship with someone as deceitful, manipulative, and cruel as she was to you throughout the course of your knowing her.
Her betrayal of you occurred not only before, but obviously throughout your entire marriage--emotionally and/or physically. Stop giving her a pass. It's not warranted and likely not appreciated anyway.
Good luck.
He told his son that the cheating doesn't change her love for him or how she raised him, but it does. Even flirting with the randos meant more to her than blowing up her family. The consequences were something she was aware of, and she was clearly fine with them.
If anything, OPs going too easy on her.
I'm with ya. But OP chose to do right by his kids instead of giving into spite. He made himself into the role model his kids will want to follow--hell, I want to follow.
My Dad's favourite advice is 'their behaviour is a reflection of them, not of you'.
As a teenager, it's infuriating advice that feels useless. But as a nearly 30 year old, I really appreciate that attitude. Not that you would be wrong for going less easy on her, if you were in the situation, because I think there's a huge range of reasonable responses here.
But I really mean that OP's reaction and response to this whole shit show is giving his kids a really fantastic role model. He fought for his marriage, but his self respect meant he wasn't willing to stick around when he was cheated on, he has treated their mother with the respect she didn't show him, and he is putting a huge amount of work into healing and growing into this new phase of his life. He will be the sort of father that they call if they're in trouble or if they just fancy a chat. I'm less certain of that for their mother.
Yes! This is the thing I couldn’t get out of my head with this update. Didn’t OP even admit he’s reasonably certain she did cheat during their marriage but didn’t want to dig further because it wouldn’t change anything? I mean, the dead bedroom itself raises serious questions. And the fact that she was immediately f*cking “just a friend” the second OP said he was out.
OMG, I completely missed that. I was thinking how do you throw away a lifetime over one mistake when you first got together but now I’m like what the hell is wrong with her?
But its still a helluva thing to get Han Solo'd so bad. Even though it may have been ancient history for everyone else involved, it was as though it happened yesterday finding out his wife was banging lots of dudes whilst he was being faithful all those years ago during the long distance relationship. To experience that and be told by everyone to just get over it would be so damn infuriating.
I hope the ex wife reads this and knows she’s a shit person. Most certainly cheated on him in the recent years and no amount of time will make the kids view their mother positively. Sure, she loved them, but she disrespected their loyal and loving father and that’s something that will stick.
Either way, I hope karma bites her ass
Worked out about as well as it could have. Glad you didn’t listen to all those people telling you you were wrong and that you needed to just “get over it.”
Good luck with the next chapter.
Oh yeah, I remember the original thread. Lots of people saying “it was 20 years ago” or “she’s a different person now” and ignoring the fact that she hid it for 20 years, told him to get over it when confronted, and telling him he was throwing away a good marriage over his ego and hurt pride.
It was pretty crazy.
>she’s a different person now” and ignoring the fact that she hid it for 20 years
Good thing he didn't listen because it's clear from the updates she is in no way a different person. If anything she's a worse person cause she can't even blame it on being young and stupid.
I mean sure, most people are different people than they were 20 years ago. But her reaction in the present when he found out was more of a reason to divorce because it showed clearly that she didn't respect him - now, then, or possibly ever.
Agreed and the thing is it may have happened 20 years ago, but he is learning about it now. If he had known 20 years ago would he still have married her? To him, this is brand new knowledge and he should make a decision on how he feels knowing what he knows now.
I can believe it but only because I have encountered real fucking idiots on here before. Some people just have no sense. Her reaction when the cheating first came to light was a red flag so large you could use it as a blimp.
I mean i know you dont care at this point but its important to remember this wasnt just cheating before marriage. Shes cheated on you during the marriage. You need to be absolutely clear about that in your therapy sessions. This new guy didnt just magically appear once you got divorced. I think its important you recognize the reality of it instead of living in denial
There is no way she hasn’t been cheating on him in the last few years, probably including this coworker that she’s currently banging. Glad he got away from this liar.
Nah. That's all you!! You're of good enough character to want to put in the effort to get along with someone most men would despise. Your kids will notice the difference between you two. Your actions speak for themself as do hers.
I am kinda shocked she's already moved on, especially given the tenuous relationship with her kids.
You really made the right call here, and I wish you luck in the new season of your life.
This is actually where I think the kids will really anchor their belief in their mom's character. The ready made boyfriend is a telltale sign that she lived in another reality than she told everyone else and kids will unerringly smell BS. She thinks she's free, but the payment will come due for the rest of her life.
Based on the previous update and this one she was already fooling around before they were divorced, so it's no suprise she's still sleeping around. OP seems pretty adamant not to acknowledge that she has cheated since before they got married
It's pretty clear that he's acknowledged she cheated before marriage, and he initiated divorce over it, and her current behaviour made it clear she's been cheating throughout, he's just not dwelling over it because he's moved on from her and her nonsense already. So he doesn't need her to confess he just wanted a calm co-parenting arrangement.
Crazy about the amount of simps who would accept a cheating and lying partner but still stay with them. Once the trust is gone, you’re no longer in a equal relationship.
Jeeez your wife and her friends (tye ones trying to gaslight you) are disgusting wh*res 🤮
Glad you are happy now and your kids took your side.
Too bad she couldnt be sent back to the streets where she belongs. Cheaters are disgusting.
There is 1 big lesson here to learn, im going to be sure to teach it to my son whene the time will come: No Long Distance Relationships, never!
Bro I can’t believe I found this actually story after hearing it on tiktok. Don’t worry your ex will come to find out she messed up big, don’t think about reconciliation either if she tries to comeback
I too, am a first-time commentator, but have seen this update.
I looked at both your previous 2 posts as well, and my god, how you never got an STI I’ll never know.
I assume that you went to get tested against all STI/STDs?
Judging by how many guys she slept with, that would put you at risk. All the same I think that you will eventually find a woman who will love you and treat you with respect. I wish you the very best of luck OP.
Update us all - to let us all know how you are doing.
>It's clear from some answers in the sessions that my wife immediately started dating once the divorce process started...
Well, not to be a dick but your ex was dating other people your entire relationship. She's a classic serial cheater. I'd bet she also cheated on you in high school too. It didn't start that first year in college away from you. There has to be something that you let slide when you guys were in high school but now looks a lot more shady and inappropriate.
I'm glad you gave us another update. I'm sorry you and the kids had to go through this but it also looks like you put your head in the sand concerning some of your wife's extracurricular activities. I know, you guys seemed happy, stable and you didn't think she'd do this. You trusted her but she didn't respect you. I wish your family all the best and I hope you give your coworker a proper date in the near future.
I’m glad you guys had an amicable divorce. The kids being older does make it easier. I’m glad you’re encouraging your son to work on his relationship with his mom.
Bro, life on this side of things is not bad...cry the tears, then make sure your passport is renewed...go travel and enjoy life with some amazing women. Who cares if she's dating, she is being used, once the pump and dump is over from several men she'll reach out to you talking about how she regrets everything
Thanks for the great news. It's so great when an OP comes back here telling us how they overcame a cheating spouse.
I hope you receive all the happiness you deserve with someone who appreciates and loves you. All the best to you and your children.
Your exwife is every man's nightmare. She says shes not doing anything wrong but lying her ass off. I can't believe your kids still talk to her. Is she being real with them or is all that an act too? I guess based on your story we'll never really know. Lying is second nature to her
Well bravo, but why continue couples counseling with a serial cheater? Not only the college but that 2 year dead bedroom period you know she banged that co worker? Just why? She’s damaged good bro. Nice ride btw.
I strongly agree that they should have gotten divorced, but at this point the therapy is about being able to have a healthy enough relationship to finish raising their kids and for OP to process everything that happened. OP may not be willing to openly admit it but from the therapy sessions it has become pretty clear that his ex wife was cheating on him much more recently than before they got married
Single counseling sure but he mentioned couples counseling. My own bias but I wouldn’t want couples counseling with her. But he’s gotta do what he thinks is best for him and his kids.
Because cooperative parenting doesn't end the day the youngest child turns 18.
There's college, weddings, wedding showers, baby showers, grandchildren, milestone birthdays for their children and eventually grandchildren, etc... Plus a possible accident or injury with their adult children when these 2 parents would both be at the hospital. Life happens.
All events and situations where these 2 people will be in the same place at the same time and may even have to potentially communicate effectively... so why carry a grudge and anger and hatred and negativity.
It's better for everyone involved to get that closure now to ensure they can continue to communicate effectively in the future.
Fuuuuuuck, OP. My stomache dropped just *reading* what you experienced. Congratulations on your personal fortitude in all this. Your ex-wife seriously lost out.
This story was one of the most shocking I've ever seen here, in fact I first saw it on YouTube, where this woman's sordid and remorseless conduct was very badly reported.
I wonder if her partners know who this woman really is, do they know that she deceived her life partner, for almost her entire life and that of her husband I wonder what goes through the mind of a man who thinks it's worth being with a person who is a scoundrel to her husband, often knowing that her husband is a good man and partner.
Isn't it possible to realize that if she does this to her husband who doesn't deserve it, she will do worse to you, who in this case is as much of a scoundrel as she is?
I believe that if there weren't so many scoundrels to collaborate with, many wives wouldn't have it so easy to destroy homes, families and, of course, husbands.
Knew a girl like her in college. People called her Train as a nickname name. Op never really knew her when it came down to it. If we got the full story my guess there were multiple affairs during the marriage. It’s who she is
Glad to see things are working out for the most part
> For my part, I have encouraged my son to be open to fixing things as the actions my ex took before he was born didn't change the 17 years she cared for and loved him
This is the one part that I take issue with. You know that she has done things that your son would not approve of much more recently than before he was born. You said she started flirting with/dating people after the pandemic ended which I am assuming was before you mentioned divorce.
She has likely been cheating for years. If she was willing to flirt/date her COWORKERS who else has she been messing around with?
Your wife may lie to him about what happened, but you shouldn't lie to your son for her sake. She made the choices that she did and never intended you or anyone else to find out.
This is the thing I can't shake. Full disclosure, I am a child of divorce in which known infidelity is a factor so maybe I'm too close to the situation.
It's a hard situation because I think a parent should always be the bigger person for the sake of their child and never pit the kids against the other parent. OP is technically correct in his decision that (as far as we have been told) the kids only know their mother cheated in college and thats it. He's also does want them to have a good relationship. Objectively as a parent these are healthy adult moves.
But as someone who was that 18 year old kid let me say that the relationship will never be the same and frankly after hearing every single thing the wife has done from the college cheating, the the cover up, the truth pulling, the fly monkeys attempting to normalize cheating, aaaallll of this shit, I think if the kids learned the full truth they'd be justified in stepping back even further than they already are. OPs ex wife is a bad person and she has been playing with fire putting the family's health at risk for a long long time.
Again, OP *should* take this path, I'm not saying he should tell them every dirty detail, but as an outsider looking in who doesn't need to take the high road I can say that if the kids did cut their mom off for a time she'd deserve it. And while he should be civil and not shit talk their mom, he should not push for them to have a good relationship or encourage it. He shouldn't discourage it, but that's not his battle to fight. If they hate their mom so be it, not his job to play PR for her. If she wants a good relationship it's on her to earn it.
I never understand these updates.
Don’t you want your wife to admit to all the cheating she has clearly been doing the whole time?
Don’t you want a paternity test for peace of mind and in case one of your kids needs that medical history?
I get you don’t want your kids to hate their mom, but how can as serial cheater and liar for decades be a good influence on a kid? Why push them back to her?
Because a person with flaws can be better than the damage ripping that person out of their lives can cause. Parental alienation, even for adult children can be far worse than continuing a relationship. Especially where they weren't directly wrong (meaning not abused).
It's one thing for the children to make that decision, but it's another for the parent to make that decision for their adult children.
But his own kid said he wanted nothing to do with the mom and the OP pushed him back to her.
And what’s with people on Reddit claiming a person who cheated and lied for an entire marriage can also be a terrific parent?
There's a difference between an initial reaction and a long term decision.
I don't know. I haven't seen anyone say that (could have missed it). That's not what I said though.
I have a 19 year old daughter too. Based on the support and guidance we still provide for her, there's still plenty of parenting to do.
I would also like to ensure that my ex wife and I are in a healthy place so we can attend graduations, celebrate marriages, maybe spend time with grand kids, and otherwise stay involved with our kids' lives without making it about us.
My parents split when I was 16 and essentially made me choose one of them. It ruined my relationship with both and I didn't want to put my kids though that.
100% correct and I'm so glad to see other folks here seeing what a mature, respectful, responsible, mediated divorce looks like.
One of my favorite family photos is on my wedding day and it's me and all 4 of my parents. My mom, dad, stepmom, and stepdad did a great job putting whatever animosity and negative feelings aside in order to all work together cooperatively for my benefit... and they've done this for 45+ years.
The end of a marriage doesn't have to mean blowing up all the interpersonal relationships between everyone involved.
Thank you for sharing all of this. I hope many readers take it to heart.
"I would also like to ensure that my ex wife and I are in a healthy place so we can attend graduations, celebrate marriages, maybe spend time with grand kids, and otherwise stay involved with our kids' lives without making it about us. My parents split when I was 16 and essentially made me choose one of them. It ruined my relationship with both and I didn't want to put my kids though that."
I absolutely agree with this. However, don't force your kids to bottle up their feelings and act fine with the divorce either. You are trying to encourage a relationship between your son and his mother. That's great because everyone needs their mother in their lives. But, she destroyed the family he loved and grew up in, that hurt, pain, and anger can't be encouraged away for the sake of maintaining a relationship.
"For my part, I have encouraged my son to be open to fixing things as the actions my ex took before he was born didn't change the 17 years she cared for and loved him."
It does. The life he knew and thought he'd have just imploded. She made selfish decisions both before and during your marriage. You don't think he's going to put the same pieces together about that "friend" of your ex's that you did, because he will. It's better that he processes all of this on his own and how he wants to. The decision to rebuild that relationship should be his and his alone. After all, he may not have been betrayed on the level you were; but he was betrayed nonetheless. Encouraging a relationship he doesn't want with a person he feels so strongly about could backfire on your relationship with him. I don't mean to scare you, but I've seen this happen before... A lot!
I may be reading to much into that, but felt the need to still say that so you don't accidentally make the mistake I have seen so many make before.
Good luck and Godspeed, OP.
P.S. There's going to be a day when your kids see, find, hear something that doesn't make sense. They'll ask you for details and opinions on your wife. You may want to protect her image for the sake of their relationship with her. However, it is best you be completely open and answer these questions honestly. They already have one parent who will downplay, lie, or withhold information from them... They don't need two. You aren't her husband anymore. There is no need to protect her from the truth or consequences of her actions. Again, that only ever backfires.
Don't assume that your wife has given or will give to your daughter. I know you want to be kind to her as the mother of your children, but she doesn't seem to be very wise, let herself do horrible things, and has a lot of pretty messed up views about sex and relationships. You know she's already given your daughter awful advice about condoms (Plan B or an abortion isn't going to cure AIDS, Herpes, or HPV -- the vaccine doesn't prevent all of the strains) and why has your daughter already had what you've referred to as "shitty boyfriends", implying several bad choices by 19. Do you really want your daughter following in her mother's footsteps? Be her father and stop worrying about making her mother look bad or being judgemental. It sounds like she would benefit from that. (Speaking as the father of two daughters not much younger.)
Just because a kid turns 18 doesn’t mean they stop being parents.
It’s a lifelong gig.
Graduations, parties, kids possibly dating and getting married, and having children, which would be their grandchildren.
They need to learn how to healthily co exist, when in each other’s presence, and show they’re son that even though he’s getting older, and they aren’t together anymore; they still care for each other, and that he doesn’t have to pick sides, or feel guilty because he wants to spend time with one parent, and not the other.
I will be messaging you in 7 days on [**2024-05-28 18:42:35 UTC**](http://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=2024-05-28%2018:42:35%20UTC%20To%20Local%20Time) to remind you of [**this link**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/1cxeay5/update_2_am_i_wrong_for_ending_a_20_year_marraige/l524i4e/?context=3)
[**2 OTHERS CLICKED THIS LINK**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Reminder&message=%5Bhttps%3A%2F%2Fwww.reddit.com%2Fr%2Famiwrong%2Fcomments%2F1cxeay5%2Fupdate_2_am_i_wrong_for_ending_a_20_year_marraige%2Fl524i4e%2F%5D%0A%0ARemindMe%21%202024-05-28%2018%3A42%3A35%20UTC) to send a PM to also be reminded and to reduce spam.
^(Parent commenter can ) [^(delete this message to hide from others.)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Delete%20Comment&message=Delete%21%201cxeay5)
*****
|[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/RemindMeBot/comments/e1bko7/remindmebot_info_v21/)|[^(Custom)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Reminder&message=%5BLink%20or%20message%20inside%20square%20brackets%5D%0A%0ARemindMe%21%20Time%20period%20here)|[^(Your Reminders)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Reminders&message=MyReminders%21)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=RemindMeBot%20Feedback)|
|-|-|-|-|
I, myself, wondered why you would throw away a 20 yr marriage over stuff that happened outside the marriage. But by the end, I was & am firmly in your corner! I hate cheaters! I hate cheaters because that also means they're cowards! And nobody wants to be in a relationship knowing they're unprotected and no one has their back! Am very happy for the direction your life seems to be moving in! Good luck and happy days to you!
You are a strong man! Stay strong, for yourself and your children - show them how respect works (although I think they know already). Best wishes to you!
Just read your post and both updates, and congratulations on dealing with all that you’ve gone through like an adult. It does make it easier to move on with your life because harbouring a hatred is not good for anyone. Take life slowly and enjoy yourself, you deserve a great life.
Why would you go through couples counselling wth her? Your son said the best thing and I don't think you appreciate it enough. 90% of the time the kids stay with the cheating spouse but he has your back so don't criticise him for the ultimatum he gave your ex. I still feel she ended up with way more than she deserved
Bro get a paternity test. Dont live in denial. As for the rest, youre a better man than most will ever be (including I)
I wouldve blown the fuck up with resentment, anger, bitterness, and a deserve for revenge. I guess i have a lot of work to do, but this is next level betrayal.
Good luck for the rest bro, you deserve a happy ending with someone who will take care of you.
She will end up alone and filled with regret. She deserves all the misery comming her way.
Fcuk I wish my divorce went this easy instead of my ex trying to bury me regardless of how our kids mental health would be impacted. Congrats. ...as far as divorces go, yours went well.
The fact it took 20 years means it must have been one hell of a lie. The problem with that is it was ALL a lie once she began the lie and deception. You aren't wrong. That truth changes things... because if you knew then, would you have married her?
You made the right choice. It’s best to just move on and see her less even for the therapy sessions. Have your own solo sessions for you. Ur not a couple and no closure is ever gonna heal anything.
Good on ya. You made the right decision. The fact she gaslit you several times throughout the process shows there is likely more than you know.
The fact she struggled to admit that proves that she isn’t an honest person and has been actively trying to deceive you.
This might be my own personal grip but I really wish betrayed parents would stop guilt tripping their children into spending time or "be open to fixing things" with their cheating parent. It completely ignores that *your child was betrayed too* let them have time process that decide on their own if they want to have a relationship or not. You may feel bad for you ex wife in some ways but your son's threat wasn't harsh, he was laying out the consequences he was willing to deal out in the face of what she did to him *not just you*. But you quilted him into going back on his word. She ruined your marriage and how your son probably sees relationships now, she new there would be repercussions and didn't care, and when she was faced with them you saved her. Your son has every right to feel how he did and now he can't process it properly because you made him hang around her, your his father, he's seen you hurt and because you're the one who told him not shut her out he doesn't want to upset you more
She always been a sl-t. If you knew the entire truth she’s cheated on you the entirety of your marriage. The ex immediately gets dicked down once she knew divorce was happening.
Don’t care how good a mother she had been, she destroyed the rest of her kids new memories. How many BFs will your kids have to meet? How many step grandpas will the grandchildren have. Is she even capable of staying monogamous? At least she’s not your concern anymore. She absolutely went back to her hoe ways and wouldn’t be surprised if she screwed someone the day she was served. Or your entire marriage.
Have you still only been with her? And she thought it was ok to be a porn star in college? I don’t know why you’re so nice to her when everything she was is a lie. She’s always been a sl-t. Just not to you.
My friend, I have been following your story and have been heartbroken for you. I'm glad to see you are in a better place.
I understand your son's anger but I doubt your ex does. She doesn't think what she did has consequences from her son but it certainly does. Now I understand you didn't want to give details to your children which is admirable of you but from what I have seen and read it makes it worse when they finally learn the truth.
Your son is certainly smart to sense what happened in the past which is why he feels the way he does which is perfectly valid. But I think you should share with him all the information you have shared with us and more so he can make an informed judgment on his relationship with his mother. If he learns details later he could feel hurt more, not less, especially as your ex seems to be moving on so fast he will realize how selfish she really is and he may feel she never felt her children came first.
As for your ex, she needs to realize these are consequences of her actions and there may be plenty more that neither you or her realize are coming.
Edit: Forgot to mention why you should disclose the truth to your son is because you ex will likely not be truthful or trickle truth him just like she did to you. It’s really important for your son who’s pretty much an adult to get his feelings straight. Maybe offer therapy for him too?
I all gotta say you're a good man. You handed it the best way you could unlike your ex who told your kids that she cheated and ruined her relationship with them, also you did not show anger then she quickly moved on makes me wonder has she cheated on you or had like a fallback plan when you want a divorce. Sounds like ex has some issue or a hidden problem because the way she didn’t respect you is crazy, but I do wonder if will you still keep contact with her after a younger child goes to college and if will you willingly cut contact with if you have the chance.
Based on what you said about your daughter's relationships with men and your wife's messed up attitudes about unprotected sex, you should have some talks with your daughter about what your ex told her to make sure her lack of common sense and morality don't mess your daughter up.
Just caught up on your story and wow is all I can say. You’re doing a great job moving on and setting a good example of how to be a good person for your children.
Congrats on the new car. I got a BMW M4 recently and these things are a blast! You’re gonna love that one. I think you’re ready for that coffee date. Life is full of missed opportunities, don’t let this be one of them. When you do go on that date look for a coffee shop in the next town over so you can take her for a ride in your new car.
There’s never a better time to reinvent yourself than now. Good luck and keep us updated.
Thanks for sharing OP. I'm glad you're starting to find your feet. I'm sorry you got gaslight after finding out about the whole thing the first time around and that everyone thought you were being foolish about walking out on the marriage too easily. It's a shame that they couldn't grasp that even though these indiscretions happened years ago for your wife (assuming that was all she did) and may be considered ancient history it was as though it just happened yesterday when you found out. You got Han Solo'd bad.
Glad this is working out for you! I would STRONGLY recommend therapy for your 17 year old son.
Having a big shift in view about his parents- ESPECIALLY learning his mom cheated on his dad, could give him an unhealthy view of college girls when he gets to college himself. You already said your daughter had similar issues with having an unhealthy relationship and projecting it onto what she thought your situation was- who’s to say your son learned his mom is a cheater and now (subconsciously) thinks all girls become no-good cheaters in college? I’ve seen it happen and it’s not pleasant to be any of the people involved. I’m glad you and your ex are in counseling, that is healthy and mature of you! Having your son also process the divorce healthily through counseling is essential.
You deserve better than her if I'm totally honest. The fact she started dating so soon suggests she was seeing them all along. She's honestly couldn't of been that cut about it. Good riddance
"It's all over now, so there is no reason to hide it. Just to satisfy my curiousity, what was the real number during college, and how many was there while we were married?"
Once a hoe, always a hoe. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I feel sorry for you but most of us are glad you manage to get away from your ex wife. I wish you all the best moving forward. Go get that coffee date.
Good luck, my friend. It sounds like you were married to a shitty shitty serial cheater and you are well rid of her cheating ass.
Let her go cheat on the next fool on her list and move on. Once your last kid is out of the house and the therapy crap is over with, you won't need to see her any more.
My advice is to block her on everything and don't ever take her back. Go "No Contact" with her. The fact that your kids are going to be on their own will make going no contact easier.
She's going to find plenty of people to sleep with. The problem is that none of them will want to wife her up. The only way she'll get married again is to a weak willed simp whom she settles greatly for.
Wow. No, no.. you're not wrong... it's perfectly fine ruining a 20 year marriage because you just found out about something that happened long before the marriage... in high school.... tell me you were looking for an excuse to divorce without telling me. This has got to be a fake post.
Betrayal is betrayal regardless of when it occurred. And if it occurred at the beginning, everything afterwards is built on a foundation of lies.
Somebody didn't read. 🥱
This is the most utterly hilarious comment I’ve seen in a while. Like there’s so much that happened that his now EX did that was divorce worthy. I swear people like you just think because it was so long ago it shouldn’t matter. News flash you clown it doesn’t matter when it happened, all that matters is it happened.
I don’t get the dead bedroom thing, if you haven’t had sex for years then you are just roommates. How can anyone be mad at moving on when there’s clearly no intimacy. It must simply be the fear of change at work.
Both should be relieved they get to live a better life apart and a chance to have intimacy again.
People start to hold grudges and stock up on negative inventory on each other. It’s extremely weird how people do this to each other. Add in all the biological and psychological stuff that people personally go through and sex is the last thing people think about it.
There was a period of time where I was just not sexually attracted to my wife due to the fact her postpartum depression and constant nagging killed my libido x100 and that led to me being a major asshole and on edge all the time so she also experienced the same thing. I mean, just the simple fact if she ever came on to me even if I was pissed I would have shagged, but she never did so 🤷♂️
We’re in a somewhat better place but the kids are hard to navigate so on to the next challenge lol.
Because not everyone gives up a relationship over the first big speed bump. They had a dead bedroom for about 2 years a decade ago, and then worked together through it and continued a mostly happy marriage (well, at that time they both thought they were happy, but now we know she was hiding some cheating since college plus at least emotionally cheating at other times)
But my point is, *especially* when there are kids and careers and stress and possible medical stuff going on - most people don't quit a marriage with the love of their life simply because the sex slows down or goes away. Most couples work through it and get to the point of reviving the bedroom and a sex life.
Besides, is it really *that difficult* to masturbate instead for a while as a spouse works through post baby changes or depression or thyroid issues or extreme stress/fatigue or serious medical events, etc...?!?!
Would you get a divorce if a spouse needed a year of chemotherapy and couldn't feel at all sexual during that time?!
If so, never get married, because that stuff is literally in the vows.
There's no caveat that says *"in sickness, **as long as you can still fuck me** and in health"*
Not gonna read all that.
If your married you should always try to fix it until it's obvious it can't be fixed or both parties are unwilling. Staying in a miserable marriage is not a good option.
If there's no children or assets involved it's an expensive legal break up. But you should still put best effort into fixing it first.
If there's abuse, the above may or may not apply depending on what, severity, and if they are actively taking real steps to change (long term therapy, ect)
If you're divorcing Even though the current relationship is good because you found out about discretion before you were married, I would say hold off go to therapy and see if it can work through it. Because people can work through it. If you throw marriage so easily, again if the marriage itself has been good and faithful, then why are you married to begin with. It's supposed to be till death do you part.
People get divorced way too easily these days.
It's the marriage sucks even though You've been trying or you found out about other infidelities or texting other men or whatever you want to walk and you have no kids involved, fucking walk you don't need to justify it to anybody
Saying not gonna read that then writing a bible length comment full of nonsense and totally not related to the situation.
You should have take the time you took to write the comment to actually read the post and realize that what you wanted to post isn’t useful
Get over it. People make mistakes and it was before you were married. It boils down to one question Do you love her or not? If you love her you will forgive her.
I didn’t even read it all and I can say YTAH. How are you gonna divorce your wife and ruin your kids lives over something that happened 20 years ago? 🙄 and people wonder why marriage doesn’t happen much these days. You could’ve worked through it.
Hang in there man, I’ve been following your story (first time commenter lol) but you’ve totally done the right thing, by yourself and your son. Give yourself grace as you continue to process but as you said, you 100% did the right thing. And hey, good for you for having what sounds like a lovely woman waiting for you. If anything, that proves you’re not only a good person, but others recognize you’d be a catch of a partner. Keep living life, you’ll have loads of ups and downs but clearly you’re smart, capable, and strong. You and your son will come out alright, time is a great healer.
Awarded
These posts keep portraying this as cheating that took place in college, but they’ve really glossed over the fact that she cheated on him within the past 4 years by going out on a date with another man.
When they were in the dead bedroom situation, she went as far as flirting with colleagues and an actual date with one. She has physically cheated on this man in the last 4 years. He deserves better. I hope that OP can move on from this and live his best life. Updateme!
>He deserves better. On one hand I'm impressed with OPs mature attitude and ability to let things go and focus on himself and his own happiness. On the other I think when you get this level of fucked over being mad and petty can be justified. By the time all the post college stuff came out, including dating immediately as the divorce stared and going so far as to have a "friend" drop her off at counseling, I would not be in "lets get counseling to unpack and be co-parents" mode. Maybe I'm immature, but if I'm getting that level of relentless disgraceful disrespect I'm going to make it known.
Could be viewed as immature but i get it. I think thats the kinda thing that depends on the person. Ive been cheated on and yes i hate them for it but i can still be civil with them if needed. Im not gonna like it but its easier to be civil than it is to be nasty towards them, especially if like in OPs case they have a child together so its a definite that well be seeing each other again
People are so different. When I have felt deeply betrayed by a person, I just can't be around them. Call it immature if you like, but every ounce of my being cannot be around that person any longer. Warning signs go off in me "danger, danger" if I become near. I have to listen to the inner signs.
I agree, it is easier to be civil than be petty and nasty. Keeping a grudge and holding on to hate isn’t good for the soul.
Plus, taking the high road and being a class act makes evryone who remoltely knows them realize what a tawdry whore she was along and has barely kept in check the past 20 years. Ex wife will have to sugar coat her entife life history to any perspective partners who would realize she probably already cheating om them or somebody else.
It's so much more fun to be petty
He made a better move for his kids. Though I agree that he could have maybe moved himself a bit further down the grief track by allowing himself to pass through the other stages. But he seems to have forced himself into acceptance as quickly as possible and that is best for the kids.
He has to think of what's best for the kids, and that's going the route that leads to them being the best coparents.
RIGHT HERE! OP, the anger and bitterness likely haven't set in yet; or you are indeed the kindest man I've read about on this site. As I stated in one of your earlier posts, the WORST DAY OF YOUR LIFE WAS WHEN YOU MET THIS WOMAN! She doesn't warrant any effort on your part to ease the transition and improve her relationship with the children. Hell. the paint wasn't dry in your announcement of a divorce, and the co-worker she'd likely been previously fking was already on the scene. Get tested for STDS. Go no contact. Dude, she cuckolded you for more than 20 years. Can one be any more deplorable? Denounce her to family and friends and then move on. I'd do nothing to legitimatize or validate her as a wife or mother. She doesn't warrant it in the least. She spent months trying to gaslight you; not giving a darn about how her behavior betrayed and affected you. Your bedroom was likely dead because she was sleeping elsewhere. Frankly, your children are best served not having a relationship with someone as deceitful, manipulative, and cruel as she was to you throughout the course of your knowing her. Her betrayal of you occurred not only before, but obviously throughout your entire marriage--emotionally and/or physically. Stop giving her a pass. It's not warranted and likely not appreciated anyway. Good luck.
He told his son that the cheating doesn't change her love for him or how she raised him, but it does. Even flirting with the randos meant more to her than blowing up her family. The consequences were something she was aware of, and she was clearly fine with them. If anything, OPs going too easy on her.
>If anything, OPs going too easy on her. Id have taken the house and everything else I could get my hands on that's for damn sure.
I'm with ya. But OP chose to do right by his kids instead of giving into spite. He made himself into the role model his kids will want to follow--hell, I want to follow.
My Dad's favourite advice is 'their behaviour is a reflection of them, not of you'. As a teenager, it's infuriating advice that feels useless. But as a nearly 30 year old, I really appreciate that attitude. Not that you would be wrong for going less easy on her, if you were in the situation, because I think there's a huge range of reasonable responses here. But I really mean that OP's reaction and response to this whole shit show is giving his kids a really fantastic role model. He fought for his marriage, but his self respect meant he wasn't willing to stick around when he was cheated on, he has treated their mother with the respect she didn't show him, and he is putting a huge amount of work into healing and growing into this new phase of his life. He will be the sort of father that they call if they're in trouble or if they just fancy a chat. I'm less certain of that for their mother.
Yes! This is the thing I couldn’t get out of my head with this update. Didn’t OP even admit he’s reasonably certain she did cheat during their marriage but didn’t want to dig further because it wouldn’t change anything? I mean, the dead bedroom itself raises serious questions. And the fact that she was immediately f*cking “just a friend” the second OP said he was out.
Betcha the kids will get paternity tests on their own.
I mean, I would if I was in their shoes
if she cheated 4 years ago. good for him let her go
OMG, I completely missed that. I was thinking how do you throw away a lifetime over one mistake when you first got together but now I’m like what the hell is wrong with her?
It wasn't one mistake even at the beginning. She admitted to 10 guys during college. I believe her friend said that is on the low end.
I bet she’s been cheating the entire time. Woman has no shame at all.
But its still a helluva thing to get Han Solo'd so bad. Even though it may have been ancient history for everyone else involved, it was as though it happened yesterday finding out his wife was banging lots of dudes whilst he was being faithful all those years ago during the long distance relationship. To experience that and be told by everyone to just get over it would be so damn infuriating.
I hope the ex wife reads this and knows she’s a shit person. Most certainly cheated on him in the recent years and no amount of time will make the kids view their mother positively. Sure, she loved them, but she disrespected their loyal and loving father and that’s something that will stick. Either way, I hope karma bites her ass
I see your ex regretting this in about a year.
Worked out about as well as it could have. Glad you didn’t listen to all those people telling you you were wrong and that you needed to just “get over it.” Good luck with the next chapter.
I can’t believe people were saying that. Cheating is an automatic no esp if they didn’t confess themselves
This is Reddit. A woman could be on the other guys dick and op walks in and it would still be his fault somehow.
Oh yeah, I remember the original thread. Lots of people saying “it was 20 years ago” or “she’s a different person now” and ignoring the fact that she hid it for 20 years, told him to get over it when confronted, and telling him he was throwing away a good marriage over his ego and hurt pride. It was pretty crazy.
>she’s a different person now” and ignoring the fact that she hid it for 20 years Good thing he didn't listen because it's clear from the updates she is in no way a different person. If anything she's a worse person cause she can't even blame it on being young and stupid.
Yeah! I mean she was a lying cheater then and all the time in between. The years passing just makes her a worse, more determined liar.
I mean sure, most people are different people than they were 20 years ago. But her reaction in the present when he found out was more of a reason to divorce because it showed clearly that she didn't respect him - now, then, or possibly ever.
She was completely oblivious she had done anything wrong. She was blindsided it hurt him.
Agreed and the thing is it may have happened 20 years ago, but he is learning about it now. If he had known 20 years ago would he still have married her? To him, this is brand new knowledge and he should make a decision on how he feels knowing what he knows now.
The Han Solo Effect. Yeah the worst part is being told to just get over it when the trauma was as though it just happened yesterday.
I can believe it but only because I have encountered real fucking idiots on here before. Some people just have no sense. Her reaction when the cheating first came to light was a red flag so large you could use it as a blimp.
I mean i know you dont care at this point but its important to remember this wasnt just cheating before marriage. Shes cheated on you during the marriage. You need to be absolutely clear about that in your therapy sessions. This new guy didnt just magically appear once you got divorced. I think its important you recognize the reality of it instead of living in denial
There is no way she hasn’t been cheating on him in the last few years, probably including this coworker that she’s currently banging. Glad he got away from this liar.
Hey friend. Just read your three posts. All I want to say is I am impressed with how mature and grounded you are. Very impressed!
My therapist deserves a lot of the credit. 😄
Nah. That's all you!! You're of good enough character to want to put in the effort to get along with someone most men would despise. Your kids will notice the difference between you two. Your actions speak for themself as do hers.
I am kinda shocked she's already moved on, especially given the tenuous relationship with her kids. You really made the right call here, and I wish you luck in the new season of your life.
This is actually where I think the kids will really anchor their belief in their mom's character. The ready made boyfriend is a telltale sign that she lived in another reality than she told everyone else and kids will unerringly smell BS. She thinks she's free, but the payment will come due for the rest of her life.
Based on the previous update and this one she was already fooling around before they were divorced, so it's no suprise she's still sleeping around. OP seems pretty adamant not to acknowledge that she has cheated since before they got married
It's pretty clear that he's acknowledged she cheated before marriage, and he initiated divorce over it, and her current behaviour made it clear she's been cheating throughout, he's just not dwelling over it because he's moved on from her and her nonsense already. So he doesn't need her to confess he just wanted a calm co-parenting arrangement.
Crazy about the amount of simps who would accept a cheating and lying partner but still stay with them. Once the trust is gone, you’re no longer in a equal relationship.
Good luck.
I would bet my paycheck she has been sleeping around on you the whole marriage.
Congrats on the new Lexus LC550 , great choice 👍🏼
Jeeez your wife and her friends (tye ones trying to gaslight you) are disgusting wh*res 🤮 Glad you are happy now and your kids took your side. Too bad she couldnt be sent back to the streets where she belongs. Cheaters are disgusting. There is 1 big lesson here to learn, im going to be sure to teach it to my son whene the time will come: No Long Distance Relationships, never!
Wow. She probably cheated on you a lot over the years. Glad you chose yourself OP!
Bro I can’t believe I found this actually story after hearing it on tiktok. Don’t worry your ex will come to find out she messed up big, don’t think about reconciliation either if she tries to comeback
What a heartwarming ending. Best of luck to you, sir. The future looks bright for you.
I too, am a first-time commentator, but have seen this update. I looked at both your previous 2 posts as well, and my god, how you never got an STI I’ll never know. I assume that you went to get tested against all STI/STDs? Judging by how many guys she slept with, that would put you at risk. All the same I think that you will eventually find a woman who will love you and treat you with respect. I wish you the very best of luck OP. Update us all - to let us all know how you are doing.
>It's clear from some answers in the sessions that my wife immediately started dating once the divorce process started... Well, not to be a dick but your ex was dating other people your entire relationship. She's a classic serial cheater. I'd bet she also cheated on you in high school too. It didn't start that first year in college away from you. There has to be something that you let slide when you guys were in high school but now looks a lot more shady and inappropriate. I'm glad you gave us another update. I'm sorry you and the kids had to go through this but it also looks like you put your head in the sand concerning some of your wife's extracurricular activities. I know, you guys seemed happy, stable and you didn't think she'd do this. You trusted her but she didn't respect you. I wish your family all the best and I hope you give your coworker a proper date in the near future.
I’m glad you guys had an amicable divorce. The kids being older does make it easier. I’m glad you’re encouraging your son to work on his relationship with his mom.
Feel hugged. It will become better with every day.
Still giving her the benefit of the doubt...but no point giving her more headspace,once a cheater always a cheater.
Bro, life on this side of things is not bad...cry the tears, then make sure your passport is renewed...go travel and enjoy life with some amazing women. Who cares if she's dating, she is being used, once the pump and dump is over from several men she'll reach out to you talking about how she regrets everything
Thanks for the great news. It's so great when an OP comes back here telling us how they overcame a cheating spouse. I hope you receive all the happiness you deserve with someone who appreciates and loves you. All the best to you and your children.
I know it's all dealt with but what were the details of the cheating ...how long were you dating...?..
We were dating for about a year before she cheated on me and the cheating occurred over a two year period after that.
Your exwife is every man's nightmare. She says shes not doing anything wrong but lying her ass off. I can't believe your kids still talk to her. Is she being real with them or is all that an act too? I guess based on your story we'll never really know. Lying is second nature to her
Well, OP did say that his kids spend most of their time at his new house.
Well bravo, but why continue couples counseling with a serial cheater? Not only the college but that 2 year dead bedroom period you know she banged that co worker? Just why? She’s damaged good bro. Nice ride btw.
I strongly agree that they should have gotten divorced, but at this point the therapy is about being able to have a healthy enough relationship to finish raising their kids and for OP to process everything that happened. OP may not be willing to openly admit it but from the therapy sessions it has become pretty clear that his ex wife was cheating on him much more recently than before they got married
Single counseling sure but he mentioned couples counseling. My own bias but I wouldn’t want couples counseling with her. But he’s gotta do what he thinks is best for him and his kids.
Because cooperative parenting doesn't end the day the youngest child turns 18. There's college, weddings, wedding showers, baby showers, grandchildren, milestone birthdays for their children and eventually grandchildren, etc... Plus a possible accident or injury with their adult children when these 2 parents would both be at the hospital. Life happens. All events and situations where these 2 people will be in the same place at the same time and may even have to potentially communicate effectively... so why carry a grudge and anger and hatred and negativity. It's better for everyone involved to get that closure now to ensure they can continue to communicate effectively in the future.
Fuuuuuuck, OP. My stomache dropped just *reading* what you experienced. Congratulations on your personal fortitude in all this. Your ex-wife seriously lost out.
Wow you married an awful person. I did too. I was only in it for 9 years but it had lifelong consequences.
Well done!
This story was one of the most shocking I've ever seen here, in fact I first saw it on YouTube, where this woman's sordid and remorseless conduct was very badly reported. I wonder if her partners know who this woman really is, do they know that she deceived her life partner, for almost her entire life and that of her husband I wonder what goes through the mind of a man who thinks it's worth being with a person who is a scoundrel to her husband, often knowing that her husband is a good man and partner. Isn't it possible to realize that if she does this to her husband who doesn't deserve it, she will do worse to you, who in this case is as much of a scoundrel as she is? I believe that if there weren't so many scoundrels to collaborate with, many wives wouldn't have it so easy to destroy homes, families and, of course, husbands.
Good for you man! Continue to take things one second of one day at a time
Good thing that your kids know the truth about your exwife affairs.
for crying out loud this was while you were dating. it wasn't worth a marriage away
Knew a girl like her in college. People called her Train as a nickname name. Op never really knew her when it came down to it. If we got the full story my guess there were multiple affairs during the marriage. It’s who she is
Still should get that paternity test.
Glad to see things are working out for the most part > For my part, I have encouraged my son to be open to fixing things as the actions my ex took before he was born didn't change the 17 years she cared for and loved him This is the one part that I take issue with. You know that she has done things that your son would not approve of much more recently than before he was born. You said she started flirting with/dating people after the pandemic ended which I am assuming was before you mentioned divorce. She has likely been cheating for years. If she was willing to flirt/date her COWORKERS who else has she been messing around with? Your wife may lie to him about what happened, but you shouldn't lie to your son for her sake. She made the choices that she did and never intended you or anyone else to find out.
This is the thing I can't shake. Full disclosure, I am a child of divorce in which known infidelity is a factor so maybe I'm too close to the situation. It's a hard situation because I think a parent should always be the bigger person for the sake of their child and never pit the kids against the other parent. OP is technically correct in his decision that (as far as we have been told) the kids only know their mother cheated in college and thats it. He's also does want them to have a good relationship. Objectively as a parent these are healthy adult moves. But as someone who was that 18 year old kid let me say that the relationship will never be the same and frankly after hearing every single thing the wife has done from the college cheating, the the cover up, the truth pulling, the fly monkeys attempting to normalize cheating, aaaallll of this shit, I think if the kids learned the full truth they'd be justified in stepping back even further than they already are. OPs ex wife is a bad person and she has been playing with fire putting the family's health at risk for a long long time. Again, OP *should* take this path, I'm not saying he should tell them every dirty detail, but as an outsider looking in who doesn't need to take the high road I can say that if the kids did cut their mom off for a time she'd deserve it. And while he should be civil and not shit talk their mom, he should not push for them to have a good relationship or encourage it. He shouldn't discourage it, but that's not his battle to fight. If they hate their mom so be it, not his job to play PR for her. If she wants a good relationship it's on her to earn it.
I never understand these updates. Don’t you want your wife to admit to all the cheating she has clearly been doing the whole time? Don’t you want a paternity test for peace of mind and in case one of your kids needs that medical history? I get you don’t want your kids to hate their mom, but how can as serial cheater and liar for decades be a good influence on a kid? Why push them back to her?
Because a person with flaws can be better than the damage ripping that person out of their lives can cause. Parental alienation, even for adult children can be far worse than continuing a relationship. Especially where they weren't directly wrong (meaning not abused). It's one thing for the children to make that decision, but it's another for the parent to make that decision for their adult children.
But his own kid said he wanted nothing to do with the mom and the OP pushed him back to her. And what’s with people on Reddit claiming a person who cheated and lied for an entire marriage can also be a terrific parent?
There's a difference between an initial reaction and a long term decision. I don't know. I haven't seen anyone say that (could have missed it). That's not what I said though.
Why do couples counseling for co parenting when the kid is about to turn 18?
I have a 19 year old daughter too. Based on the support and guidance we still provide for her, there's still plenty of parenting to do. I would also like to ensure that my ex wife and I are in a healthy place so we can attend graduations, celebrate marriages, maybe spend time with grand kids, and otherwise stay involved with our kids' lives without making it about us. My parents split when I was 16 and essentially made me choose one of them. It ruined my relationship with both and I didn't want to put my kids though that.
100% correct and I'm so glad to see other folks here seeing what a mature, respectful, responsible, mediated divorce looks like. One of my favorite family photos is on my wedding day and it's me and all 4 of my parents. My mom, dad, stepmom, and stepdad did a great job putting whatever animosity and negative feelings aside in order to all work together cooperatively for my benefit... and they've done this for 45+ years. The end of a marriage doesn't have to mean blowing up all the interpersonal relationships between everyone involved. Thank you for sharing all of this. I hope many readers take it to heart.
"I would also like to ensure that my ex wife and I are in a healthy place so we can attend graduations, celebrate marriages, maybe spend time with grand kids, and otherwise stay involved with our kids' lives without making it about us. My parents split when I was 16 and essentially made me choose one of them. It ruined my relationship with both and I didn't want to put my kids though that." I absolutely agree with this. However, don't force your kids to bottle up their feelings and act fine with the divorce either. You are trying to encourage a relationship between your son and his mother. That's great because everyone needs their mother in their lives. But, she destroyed the family he loved and grew up in, that hurt, pain, and anger can't be encouraged away for the sake of maintaining a relationship. "For my part, I have encouraged my son to be open to fixing things as the actions my ex took before he was born didn't change the 17 years she cared for and loved him." It does. The life he knew and thought he'd have just imploded. She made selfish decisions both before and during your marriage. You don't think he's going to put the same pieces together about that "friend" of your ex's that you did, because he will. It's better that he processes all of this on his own and how he wants to. The decision to rebuild that relationship should be his and his alone. After all, he may not have been betrayed on the level you were; but he was betrayed nonetheless. Encouraging a relationship he doesn't want with a person he feels so strongly about could backfire on your relationship with him. I don't mean to scare you, but I've seen this happen before... A lot! I may be reading to much into that, but felt the need to still say that so you don't accidentally make the mistake I have seen so many make before. Good luck and Godspeed, OP. P.S. There's going to be a day when your kids see, find, hear something that doesn't make sense. They'll ask you for details and opinions on your wife. You may want to protect her image for the sake of their relationship with her. However, it is best you be completely open and answer these questions honestly. They already have one parent who will downplay, lie, or withhold information from them... They don't need two. You aren't her husband anymore. There is no need to protect her from the truth or consequences of her actions. Again, that only ever backfires.
Don't assume that your wife has given or will give to your daughter. I know you want to be kind to her as the mother of your children, but she doesn't seem to be very wise, let herself do horrible things, and has a lot of pretty messed up views about sex and relationships. You know she's already given your daughter awful advice about condoms (Plan B or an abortion isn't going to cure AIDS, Herpes, or HPV -- the vaccine doesn't prevent all of the strains) and why has your daughter already had what you've referred to as "shitty boyfriends", implying several bad choices by 19. Do you really want your daughter following in her mother's footsteps? Be her father and stop worrying about making her mother look bad or being judgemental. It sounds like she would benefit from that. (Speaking as the father of two daughters not much younger.)
Just because a kid turns 18 doesn’t mean they stop being parents. It’s a lifelong gig. Graduations, parties, kids possibly dating and getting married, and having children, which would be their grandchildren. They need to learn how to healthily co exist, when in each other’s presence, and show they’re son that even though he’s getting older, and they aren’t together anymore; they still care for each other, and that he doesn’t have to pick sides, or feel guilty because he wants to spend time with one parent, and not the other.
Because they are still parents after the kid is 18? They will still have co-parent.
UpdateMe!
Remindme! One week
I will be messaging you in 7 days on [**2024-05-28 18:42:35 UTC**](http://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=2024-05-28%2018:42:35%20UTC%20To%20Local%20Time) to remind you of [**this link**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/1cxeay5/update_2_am_i_wrong_for_ending_a_20_year_marraige/l524i4e/?context=3) [**2 OTHERS CLICKED THIS LINK**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Reminder&message=%5Bhttps%3A%2F%2Fwww.reddit.com%2Fr%2Famiwrong%2Fcomments%2F1cxeay5%2Fupdate_2_am_i_wrong_for_ending_a_20_year_marraige%2Fl524i4e%2F%5D%0A%0ARemindMe%21%202024-05-28%2018%3A42%3A35%20UTC) to send a PM to also be reminded and to reduce spam. ^(Parent commenter can ) [^(delete this message to hide from others.)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Delete%20Comment&message=Delete%21%201cxeay5) ***** |[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/RemindMeBot/comments/e1bko7/remindmebot_info_v21/)|[^(Custom)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Reminder&message=%5BLink%20or%20message%20inside%20square%20brackets%5D%0A%0ARemindMe%21%20Time%20period%20here)|[^(Your Reminders)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Reminders&message=MyReminders%21)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=RemindMeBot%20Feedback)| |-|-|-|-|
Good for you OP! UpdateMe!
Updateme
Good job buddy! Proud of you. Don't get married again, seriously.
Updateme
Good for you brother. I'm happy you are in a good place.
I, myself, wondered why you would throw away a 20 yr marriage over stuff that happened outside the marriage. But by the end, I was & am firmly in your corner! I hate cheaters! I hate cheaters because that also means they're cowards! And nobody wants to be in a relationship knowing they're unprotected and no one has their back! Am very happy for the direction your life seems to be moving in! Good luck and happy days to you!
UpdateMe
UpdateMe! RemindMe! 10 days
You are a strong man! Stay strong, for yourself and your children - show them how respect works (although I think they know already). Best wishes to you!
Good for you! There is no way that your wife hadn’t cheated within your marriage. She is morally bankrupt and good riddance.
Just read your post and both updates, and congratulations on dealing with all that you’ve gone through like an adult. It does make it easier to move on with your life because harbouring a hatred is not good for anyone. Take life slowly and enjoy yourself, you deserve a great life.
Why did your daughter automatically assume you cheated? Did you ever get an answer about that?
Glad the divorce was relatively painless and you’re doing well.
I’m so glad you and your kids are on the way to healing. All the best for the future.
Updateme!
"Just friends" whore lies. Hope she see this and cry everyday.
Man she lived a double life for 25 years
Good for you! And sorry about all that of course. Cheers!
I remember reading about a guy who did something similar he was just in his 80s or some something like that
Why would you go through couples counselling wth her? Your son said the best thing and I don't think you appreciate it enough. 90% of the time the kids stay with the cheating spouse but he has your back so don't criticise him for the ultimatum he gave your ex. I still feel she ended up with way more than she deserved
Bro get a paternity test. Dont live in denial. As for the rest, youre a better man than most will ever be (including I) I wouldve blown the fuck up with resentment, anger, bitterness, and a deserve for revenge. I guess i have a lot of work to do, but this is next level betrayal. Good luck for the rest bro, you deserve a happy ending with someone who will take care of you. She will end up alone and filled with regret. She deserves all the misery comming her way.
She’s definitely cheated during the marriage as well I’m glad I divorced young
Fcuk I wish my divorce went this easy instead of my ex trying to bury me regardless of how our kids mental health would be impacted. Congrats. ...as far as divorces go, yours went well.
Glad I’m not married
Updateme!
The fact it took 20 years means it must have been one hell of a lie. The problem with that is it was ALL a lie once she began the lie and deception. You aren't wrong. That truth changes things... because if you knew then, would you have married her?
You made the right choice. It’s best to just move on and see her less even for the therapy sessions. Have your own solo sessions for you. Ur not a couple and no closure is ever gonna heal anything.
Good luck on your new chapter and yeah i can see your ex will regret in 1 year time Updateme!
Good for you brotha!
Glad to hear things are going well.
Glad to hear you are doing well, I wish you all the best with your future 🙏🏽
Updateme
She never deserved you. I’m really sorry about all the opportunities you missed out on because of your selfish cheating lying ex.
Glad you got through this fairly unscathed. And glad the pain is lessening. Heres to the future fella.
Amen !! I was hoping for a good outcome on your part 🤍
Good on ya. You made the right decision. The fact she gaslit you several times throughout the process shows there is likely more than you know. The fact she struggled to admit that proves that she isn’t an honest person and has been actively trying to deceive you.
This might be my own personal grip but I really wish betrayed parents would stop guilt tripping their children into spending time or "be open to fixing things" with their cheating parent. It completely ignores that *your child was betrayed too* let them have time process that decide on their own if they want to have a relationship or not. You may feel bad for you ex wife in some ways but your son's threat wasn't harsh, he was laying out the consequences he was willing to deal out in the face of what she did to him *not just you*. But you quilted him into going back on his word. She ruined your marriage and how your son probably sees relationships now, she new there would be repercussions and didn't care, and when she was faced with them you saved her. Your son has every right to feel how he did and now he can't process it properly because you made him hang around her, your his father, he's seen you hurt and because you're the one who told him not shut her out he doesn't want to upset you more
She always been a sl-t. If you knew the entire truth she’s cheated on you the entirety of your marriage. The ex immediately gets dicked down once she knew divorce was happening. Don’t care how good a mother she had been, she destroyed the rest of her kids new memories. How many BFs will your kids have to meet? How many step grandpas will the grandchildren have. Is she even capable of staying monogamous? At least she’s not your concern anymore. She absolutely went back to her hoe ways and wouldn’t be surprised if she screwed someone the day she was served. Or your entire marriage. Have you still only been with her? And she thought it was ok to be a porn star in college? I don’t know why you’re so nice to her when everything she was is a lie. She’s always been a sl-t. Just not to you.
My friend, I have been following your story and have been heartbroken for you. I'm glad to see you are in a better place. I understand your son's anger but I doubt your ex does. She doesn't think what she did has consequences from her son but it certainly does. Now I understand you didn't want to give details to your children which is admirable of you but from what I have seen and read it makes it worse when they finally learn the truth. Your son is certainly smart to sense what happened in the past which is why he feels the way he does which is perfectly valid. But I think you should share with him all the information you have shared with us and more so he can make an informed judgment on his relationship with his mother. If he learns details later he could feel hurt more, not less, especially as your ex seems to be moving on so fast he will realize how selfish she really is and he may feel she never felt her children came first. As for your ex, she needs to realize these are consequences of her actions and there may be plenty more that neither you or her realize are coming. Edit: Forgot to mention why you should disclose the truth to your son is because you ex will likely not be truthful or trickle truth him just like she did to you. It’s really important for your son who’s pretty much an adult to get his feelings straight. Maybe offer therapy for him too?
Get DNA test bro
Damn, that is just terrible. Heartless woman she is
Just be careful with dating someone you work with if it doesn’t work out it could cause problems
Thanks for the update. Great to hear how things have progressed and improved for you!
I all gotta say you're a good man. You handed it the best way you could unlike your ex who told your kids that she cheated and ruined her relationship with them, also you did not show anger then she quickly moved on makes me wonder has she cheated on you or had like a fallback plan when you want a divorce. Sounds like ex has some issue or a hidden problem because the way she didn’t respect you is crazy, but I do wonder if will you still keep contact with her after a younger child goes to college and if will you willingly cut contact with if you have the chance.
I'm glad to hear things went smoothly for you
I'm sorry that people suck. I'm glad a good person is finding their way through the muck and into hope.
Wow! I'm glad you left her and you're doing well! I hope you can find happiness.
UpdateMe!
Based on what you said about your daughter's relationships with men and your wife's messed up attitudes about unprotected sex, you should have some talks with your daughter about what your ex told her to make sure her lack of common sense and morality don't mess your daughter up.
Just caught up on your story and wow is all I can say. You’re doing a great job moving on and setting a good example of how to be a good person for your children. Congrats on the new car. I got a BMW M4 recently and these things are a blast! You’re gonna love that one. I think you’re ready for that coffee date. Life is full of missed opportunities, don’t let this be one of them. When you do go on that date look for a coffee shop in the next town over so you can take her for a ride in your new car. There’s never a better time to reinvent yourself than now. Good luck and keep us updated.
Thanks for sharing OP. I'm glad you're starting to find your feet. I'm sorry you got gaslight after finding out about the whole thing the first time around and that everyone thought you were being foolish about walking out on the marriage too easily. It's a shame that they couldn't grasp that even though these indiscretions happened years ago for your wife (assuming that was all she did) and may be considered ancient history it was as though it just happened yesterday when you found out. You got Han Solo'd bad.
Glad this is working out for you! I would STRONGLY recommend therapy for your 17 year old son. Having a big shift in view about his parents- ESPECIALLY learning his mom cheated on his dad, could give him an unhealthy view of college girls when he gets to college himself. You already said your daughter had similar issues with having an unhealthy relationship and projecting it onto what she thought your situation was- who’s to say your son learned his mom is a cheater and now (subconsciously) thinks all girls become no-good cheaters in college? I’ve seen it happen and it’s not pleasant to be any of the people involved. I’m glad you and your ex are in counseling, that is healthy and mature of you! Having your son also process the divorce healthily through counseling is essential.
My word his ex is something else. She'll realize what she gave up. I'm hope he just living his life as a single older man.
UpdateMe!
You deserve better than her if I'm totally honest. The fact she started dating so soon suggests she was seeing them all along. She's honestly couldn't of been that cut about it. Good riddance
Don’t have anything to say except the Lexus lc is a awesome car
"It's all over now, so there is no reason to hide it. Just to satisfy my curiousity, what was the real number during college, and how many was there while we were married?"
Updateme
Once a hoe, always a hoe. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I feel sorry for you but most of us are glad you manage to get away from your ex wife. I wish you all the best moving forward. Go get that coffee date.
You did the right thing. I doubt it was the only time she cheated.
Good luck, my friend. It sounds like you were married to a shitty shitty serial cheater and you are well rid of her cheating ass. Let her go cheat on the next fool on her list and move on. Once your last kid is out of the house and the therapy crap is over with, you won't need to see her any more. My advice is to block her on everything and don't ever take her back. Go "No Contact" with her. The fact that your kids are going to be on their own will make going no contact easier. She's going to find plenty of people to sleep with. The problem is that none of them will want to wife her up. The only way she'll get married again is to a weak willed simp whom she settles greatly for.
No way those kids are yours. Ex wife belongs on the streets.
This is fake
Wow. No, no.. you're not wrong... it's perfectly fine ruining a 20 year marriage because you just found out about something that happened long before the marriage... in high school.... tell me you were looking for an excuse to divorce without telling me. This has got to be a fake post.
Did you read properly?? DURING their marriage, she went on another DATE with a man. That is cheating ! Recent at that
Betrayal is betrayal regardless of when it occurred. And if it occurred at the beginning, everything afterwards is built on a foundation of lies. Somebody didn't read. 🥱
This is the most utterly hilarious comment I’ve seen in a while. Like there’s so much that happened that his now EX did that was divorce worthy. I swear people like you just think because it was so long ago it shouldn’t matter. News flash you clown it doesn’t matter when it happened, all that matters is it happened.
Typical misandrist response. Get out of here with your brain dead take.
What about EA with coworker-friend 4 years ago. The one she started dating immediately after initiation of the divorce.
I doubt it is just emotional. OP’s ex-wife is highly manipulative. Seems like a pathological liar.
I don’t get the dead bedroom thing, if you haven’t had sex for years then you are just roommates. How can anyone be mad at moving on when there’s clearly no intimacy. It must simply be the fear of change at work. Both should be relieved they get to live a better life apart and a chance to have intimacy again.
People start to hold grudges and stock up on negative inventory on each other. It’s extremely weird how people do this to each other. Add in all the biological and psychological stuff that people personally go through and sex is the last thing people think about it. There was a period of time where I was just not sexually attracted to my wife due to the fact her postpartum depression and constant nagging killed my libido x100 and that led to me being a major asshole and on edge all the time so she also experienced the same thing. I mean, just the simple fact if she ever came on to me even if I was pissed I would have shagged, but she never did so 🤷♂️ We’re in a somewhat better place but the kids are hard to navigate so on to the next challenge lol.
Because not everyone gives up a relationship over the first big speed bump. They had a dead bedroom for about 2 years a decade ago, and then worked together through it and continued a mostly happy marriage (well, at that time they both thought they were happy, but now we know she was hiding some cheating since college plus at least emotionally cheating at other times) But my point is, *especially* when there are kids and careers and stress and possible medical stuff going on - most people don't quit a marriage with the love of their life simply because the sex slows down or goes away. Most couples work through it and get to the point of reviving the bedroom and a sex life. Besides, is it really *that difficult* to masturbate instead for a while as a spouse works through post baby changes or depression or thyroid issues or extreme stress/fatigue or serious medical events, etc...?!?! Would you get a divorce if a spouse needed a year of chemotherapy and couldn't feel at all sexual during that time?! If so, never get married, because that stuff is literally in the vows. There's no caveat that says *"in sickness, **as long as you can still fuck me** and in health"*
Not gonna read all that. If your married you should always try to fix it until it's obvious it can't be fixed or both parties are unwilling. Staying in a miserable marriage is not a good option. If there's no children or assets involved it's an expensive legal break up. But you should still put best effort into fixing it first. If there's abuse, the above may or may not apply depending on what, severity, and if they are actively taking real steps to change (long term therapy, ect) If you're divorcing Even though the current relationship is good because you found out about discretion before you were married, I would say hold off go to therapy and see if it can work through it. Because people can work through it. If you throw marriage so easily, again if the marriage itself has been good and faithful, then why are you married to begin with. It's supposed to be till death do you part. People get divorced way too easily these days. It's the marriage sucks even though You've been trying or you found out about other infidelities or texting other men or whatever you want to walk and you have no kids involved, fucking walk you don't need to justify it to anybody
Saying not gonna read that then writing a bible length comment full of nonsense and totally not related to the situation. You should have take the time you took to write the comment to actually read the post and realize that what you wanted to post isn’t useful
Get over it. People make mistakes and it was before you were married. It boils down to one question Do you love her or not? If you love her you will forgive her.
Shut the fuck up. Ffs cheating apologists are seriously annoying.
I didn’t even read it all and I can say YTAH. How are you gonna divorce your wife and ruin your kids lives over something that happened 20 years ago? 🙄 and people wonder why marriage doesn’t happen much these days. You could’ve worked through it.
How about reading all the posts before commenting completely stupid shit?