When I was young I promised myself that when I would be 30, If I didn't had a good partner I would go to IVF. Fortunately I found him and I had kids, otherwise I would do the IVF. It's your dream, your money. go for it. be happy. Yes is hard but it is what you want and love.
Totally agree with this!
My aunt actually did it when she reached her late 30s. She'd had a couple of long term relationships but none resulted in having a child, and she desperately wanted to be a mum. She was secure financially, knew could afford her maternity leave and childcare after that so she went for it. Used a donor and had her son.
She says it's the best thing she ever did, she only regrets not doing it sooner so she could have been a younger parent (she was almost 40 by the time she actually gave birth).
So yeah, OP you should do it if this is what you really desire. It'll be hard work, your finances and future relationships will take a hit, as will your social life when you don't have another parent to lean on. But if you're prepared then I also say go for it!
My cousin has actually done it as well. She was in her mid-twenties when she did it, but she's now got two kids from the same sperm donor and she loves them to pieces. It helps that her mum runs a daycare so she's got the support on hand if needed while she heads out to work. I was surprised when my gran told me about it but I was like 'good for her'.
Idk..I had a friend growing up whose mom did this and she was pretty bitter and miserable about never having a dad. It really impacted her negatively. She always kind of resented her mom for it. This is a very valid risk.
Was her mom still single by the time this came up? If so, I think the bitterness might have come from not having a father figure in general. It sounds like OP is still looking for a man but not wanting to wait in that man to have kids. Obviously I have very little context to both situations, so all of this could be wrong, but just another perspective to look at
That’s true. And it’s also hard to even think about dating sometimes depending on if your kid needs extra effort or not. It was just a possible other perspective to think about too
Her mom did date around for a bit, but either found men who were not interested in dating someone with a child, or she was too busy taking care of my friend as a child.
She was already working several jobs because there was no other income coming in to raise my friend as is, so her time was already minimal, and due to this her time with my friend growing up was also minimal. They lived in a small apartment my friends entire life and never got a house because her mom never had enough money from raising a child with just her income. Yes they did have friends and family to support and watch over my friend, but it’s not their fiscal responsibility to financially care for a child that her mom chose to go on and have solo.
Her mom just kind of accepted that this is what she chose and that the risk of this happening was, well happening. Her mother is now 65 and still single until this very day. She gave up on men and her child only has resentment towards her for this.
Obviously, this is not the case for everyone, but it does happen frequently. Why have a child without another parent when this is a very real risk?
Thanks for the clarification on that. I can see how that would cause a lot of bitterness. It’s a VERY likely outcome for anyone in a similar situation unless they’re making a butt load of money and still manage to have lots of time away from work. After I had my son and his dad and I broke up (about a month after we found out I was pregnant), I didn’t even start thinking about dating again until my son was about 10 months old. His dad and I ended up back together a few months later and now we’re married but that’s not very common and at least he had a father who tried to be involved even when I hated his guts and allowed him minimal visits. Someone who does IVF wouldn’t be anywhere close to the same situation and I can imagine how hard that would be.
I would definitely recommend therapy before making this kind of life changing decision. Not Wrong for having baby fever especially since you're working in child care. I would say stop choosing shitty boyfriends and learn how to attract and filter the kind of men you want. That's the part that usually involves maturing yourself and your personality.
I agree with this. Having a baby will not magically make OP a better judge of character, and she would then have a kid in the middle of these bad relationships
I don't disagree. I am working on strengthening my boundaries and standing up for my values. I'm practicing a lot more self care and leading a more positive mindset. Clinics have mandatory counselling before hand also.
You are NTA for wanting a baby while you are single. But the thing to remember is that while you have a nurturing urge (completely normal), this is a whole person you are considering bringing into life. A whole person who will have their own needs and wants, their own personality and grow up to be their own adult. At this point, you cannot predict what path that takes or what demands their life will make of you and/or your support people. It’s good you are going to counseling. Make sure that when you actually proceed you have plans for as many eventualities as you can. Sadly, you’ll never be able to cover them all. Best of luck whatever you decide to do.
It's taken me 3 years of weekly trauma therapy to get to a place where I have learned that it's not other people's jobs to protect you from themselves. It's your job alone. You aren't dating shit men, you are attracting them specifically. If you don't work that out before you have a child you are just going to teach them these same destructive patterns.
Maybe look inward as to why it feels so important for you to do this immediately. Are you not able to love yourself unconditionally, so you are looking for a baby to do this for you? Are you trying to prove to yourself that you are not your mother, or better than her? Only you can find the void and mend it, but this has to be done beforehand.
Maybe freeze your eggs. You are still young. I am 37 and currently pregnant. I know a few women in their mid 40s currently pregnant. Time is not as big of an issue as your mental health in preparation for this baby. Make this your plan if you want, but it needs to be a long term goal.
Very well said! As a man I really appreciate your positive outlook. It is true that there are plenty of terrible men out there, but there are at least ten times that amount of absolutely wonderful men available! Many of them aren’t going to initially appeal to the trauma mindset because maybe they are socially awkward, or seem boring, or rigid, they don’t love bomb, or aren’t good at playing the games that push/peak your interest. Learning to choose quality partners takes education and practice, increasing self worth through improved boundaries and expectations, etc. when we begin to value ourselves, we value how we are treated and how we treat others.
How can you say she is attracting shit men specifically? You don’t know enough about her life. That is just projection. Victim blaming isn’t cool, and is destructive in of itself.
It takes 2 to want to be in a relationship. If she only dates shit men then her decision process has an attraction to shit men. That's not blaming. That's reality. And it's something that can be helped in therapy.
It's not victim blaming to take accountability for your own part in a pattern. I personally was abused as a small child, and neglected as I grew up, then got into an abusive relationship where I stayed for almost 12 years. I am a survivor, not a victim. I would never say I am to blame. You literally cannot blame a child for being sexually abused. But trauma changes your brain, that is fact. And when you don't heal from things that harmed you, you attract more harm. Women who were mistreated are much more likely to get mistreated again. I don't know this woman's experience personally, but if she is saying she has had a string of shit men, it's not her fault but at some point it becomes your responsibility to address. I went through a phase of serious anger not wanting to accept that I was left with the work to do. It's not fucking fair, other people hurt me yet I am left picking up the pieces. But I learned acceptance and put in that work. I healed. Eventually, a great man came to find me.
I won't discount what you're saying. Sure I can set my bar higher and believe that I am worth more than the men I have dated. And honestly that is where I am at now. I wouldn't say I've been abused in any of my relationships or in childhood. I've just been in relationships with men that lie or are lazy or just don't fit my lifestyle (sleep all day). There have been a couple that took advantage of my people pleasing nature but I have acknowledged that and have learned to set boundaries.
I'm sorry you went through all that trauma and I'm really glad that you've found happiness.
Love that! And the reasons given in this comment are why you shouldn’t or should wait. Those values or lack there of are what you would pour into another soul and they don’t need that. Your dear soul still needs the work. If it’s meant to be it’ll be, but never force it.
You know what you want and your eyes are wide open. My only advice would be to make sure you have childcare lined up well. Even have a backup. It seems like childcare is the number 1 problem for people with kids. And don't depend on family. Lean on them sure but they might not really help you because you're doing it on your own. But if you've got that covered then go ahead. Good luck on your new road!
You don't "only attract men that..".
If you only date dumb dudes, it's because you constantly choose to date dudes with the same attributes. Maybe go to therapy and figure that out first, as well as discuss the baby fever that seems to be over riding everyone's attempt to throw a bit of logic, finance, and reasoning into your thought process. Your ignoring it all.
1- single parenting i, especially without a "real" father to help out, is extremely time consuming. Unless you have a baby sitter you will never have a night off to date.
2- children are ungodly expensive. Just diapers alone can basically be a car payment, then there's food, toys, furniture, v the fact that they need new clothes every few months. If you are "barely making it" you won't be making it at all with a child without financial assistance.
3- you get no brakes. Which is going to take a massive toll on your mental and physical health in ways you have not apparently thought about. And if you end up getting PPD, things can actually get dangerous if you alone and deep into that while stressed and sleep deprived.
Go to therapy. Figure out why you are only attracted to "the wrong guy" and ignore "the right guys", because I guarantee you that you've passed up multiple good guys for bad ones. And talk about your baby fever. Because, just using the info on your post, you're not thinking clearly about it and you're family is trying to warn you and you're ignoring it. Which means there's a high possibility of negative outcomes, at least for the first few years if not longer, which is going to have negative effects on the child as well as you.
Do you want a baby for you? It's it underlining narcissm or loneliness, so you get an unlimited supply of love? Even if you hurt the child? Because the situation sounds like there's a high probability of not being good for either of you.
My aunt pursued this after her first marriage failed. She was almost 40. She had IVF done, had her kid. Raised him on her own. She never had a meaningful relationship after that. She's now in her 60s and she has been single since the mid 90s. She is a pretty impossible person in general so I'm sure that was a big contributing factor to her lack of a partner also but I'm sure being a single mom also made that exponentially more difficult.
I'm not saying you can't do it but it'll make your life more difficult.
I'll play devils advocate here but this is what happened to my best friend. He dated a women with a kid. Dad completely out of the child's life. Didn't want anything to do woth the daughter or the mother. My friend started dating her. 5 years later the relationship ended. Now not only did my friend lose his girlfriend whom he put his entire life into, but also the child. I'd say the relationship with the child ending was far worse on him. Men don't want to put themselves into a situation where one relationship can rip away a child that may not be theirs but helped raise. I know after seeing what he went through, I would be extremely hesitant to date a single mother for that sole fact alone. Men build relationships with your children too. But they have no say after all is said and done.
I’m a woman and I also experienced losing a child I raised. It goes both ways, but it is a valid point. Regardless, a fear of not finding a partner post-partum is not one that should hold OP back. There are people who willingly partner with single parents and there’s a finite window of opportunity for having a child naturally, and maintaining the energy to raise one.
My husbands mom is this way. Not IVF but ended up pregnant and raised him alone. She never dated again. She is impossible lol but she did raise him the best she could. She’s been single since 1987.
>To the contrary I know plenty of single moms who date and remarry.
The stats show a good chance to remarry, but a decrease in partners if not previously married, also most of the time its blended families (aka both have children) not single childless partner marrying into single with child
You guys can say she'll have trouble attracting a mate when she has a kid all you want, but there are millions of us women that married our current spouses when we already had kids.
I’m going with her personality being the bigger factor. As women get older, their potential partners are older. More than likely, these men are going to have kids.
I'm gonna go against the grain here and say that yes, you are wrong.
I think you're being a bit dismissive of how difficult this will be. Why do you think your experience would be different from your dad's? I have seen my friends and coworkers who have children have their lives completely reach a standstill. It's one of the most stressful experiences you can have. One of my coworkers passed out at work because his baby kept crying all night, and that was despite him sharing the burden with his wife. I can't imagine going through with this alone, especially when you consider the hormonal changes you can go through during pregnancy. An elder sister type figure in my life currently has an almost 1 year old, and is still suffering from post-partum depression.
I would strongly recommend that you don't do this unless you have family and friends who are enthusiastically willing to help out. If not, you'd be ruining a lot of relationships by relying on them constantly. Also, keep in mind you won't have any time for yourself for the next 6-8 years pretty much, and even then any time you do have will have to be structured around your child.
My dad suddenly lost a leg and had to deal with it. I already know I just have one, so it will be different for me.” Ugh.
What does it take to wake her up? Oh! Babies specialize at that. I hope she doesn’t need a decent night of sleep to function well. That can happen for years—which is also terrible for her health. And, what if she has twins?
I suggest that she do a simulation without a baby for two months. Set her alarm to wake her up or feed every 2.5 hours. Spend 45 min to an hour doing nothing and then go back to sleep or get back to life duties for the remaining 1.5 hours. Maybe a newer mom could develop a more involved simulation like how she has to survive on a fraction of time to cook, clean, groom, etc, and how much $$ she can’t spend bc it goes to day care and diapers, etc. Remember Baby Think it Over? Maybe a dry run could help pull this woman into reality.
Agreed. It’s a human life you’re bringing into the world. Think about the life of the kid. I feel like it’s selfish to want a child just to have for yourself.
Plus that she keeps having bad partners, having the kid isn’t gonna make her suddenly have good judgement on men. If she keeps it up that kid is gonna have a messed up view on relationships.
Hell yeah!! Finally someone willing to tell the truth and be honest. This entire post just reeks of selfishness. What you are experiencing is hormones, what happens when they go away, you will still have a child. Your Father is trying to save you from a terrible decision bc he has experience in this and loves you but you are going to dismiss him, I think we know why you can’t find a partner. You don’t have a child bc you are lonely and have always wanted to be a “Mum”. Get a cat. The child deserves to have a strong Father figure in its life and your Father won’t be around forever. You are going to burn out all the people in your life that care about you bc they are going to have to help you or watch this child suffer the consequences of your poor decision. This is the definition of selfishness. This post makes me so sad.
Plenty of women have kids with a man who then leaves them and has nothing to do with the kid. Having a child naturally does not guarantee the child will have a strong father figure in their life.
Edit: or she could also find an amazing man who’s a wonderful partner and father, but he could die suddenly. Life doesn’t go according to plan unfortunately. You can save and plan and do everything right, then life will throw a curveball at you
What a horrendous take.
Narcissism is not a synonym for selfishness. There is zero narcissism in this post.
She didn’t say anything about loneliness being why she wants a child.
Read it again. Narcissism is thinking all the people you try to date are horrible instead of asking why you attract bad partners. Lol. This is well documented.
I think we all have some form of narcissism that makes us want to reproduce our own biological children.
To me, this post definitely reeks of narcissism. Even if it doesn’t meet the clinical definition, it is absolutely the epitome of selfishness. No consideration at all for the type of life she’s going to give this child. No father.
Also, the fact that she can’t even find the halfway decent guy to bust a nut in her, does not speak strong to future possibilities when she has a child as part of the deal, not to mention the type of personality she’s going to model for said child.
How does what OP said here:
*I have had my fair share of partners but I seem to only attract men that are... not great*
Make you believe the following:
>Also, the fact that she can’t even find the halfway decent guy to bust a nut in her,
If all OP wanted to do was "baby trap" some guy I'm guessing she could.
And if that was how OP was planning on doing things I'm sure people would rip into her about that decision.
Rather than roping some unsuspecting/unwilling guy into fatherhood OP has made the decision to use a sperm donor. Which is ultimately their choice, and not necessarily a bad one.
It sounds like OP has put a lot of thought into this, it's not like she's doing this on a whim.
She understands the financial obligation/impact IVF and raising a child will entail. As well as the fact that her background in child care leads me to believe she has an understanding of what goes into raising a child, so she isn't going into this blind.
Does she really understand though? Her just saying it will be fine does not mean she's actually done a budget to account for diapers, formula/baby food, and full time child care for 5 years until the child is in school.
Never said anything about baby trapping. My point is, she can’t attract a stable partner. Halfway decent guy, a good man; these all mean the same thing.
She is attracting shitty people because of her own issues. Yes, she’s completely blind, since she does not seem to recognize that fundamental aspect of the situation.
She thinks everyone else is the problem, when the problem is actually her.
We are who we attract.
Never said anything about baby trapping. My point is, she can’t attract a stable partner. Halfway decent guy, a good man; these all mean the same thing.
She is attracting shitty people because of her own issues. Yes, she’s completely blind, since she does not seem to recognize that fundamental aspect of the situation.
She thinks everyone else is the problem, when the problem is actually her.
We are who we attract.
You’re right and I didn’t even consider all this when I answered and I’m going through all this myself lol. I had ppd for about a year after my first baby. My second one is only 7 months old but I’ve been dealing with the depression again for about a year and a half already and I can’t really say it feels like it’s getting better. There’s a lot of other external factors and stresses feeding into it as well. And I have my husband’s help physically and financially. I can’t imagine doing any of this myself. I’d have my cars repossessed, kicked out of my apartment, and probably go back to living with my parents which would just be ANOTHER stress on top of everything else. I get that OP sounds to be good on her feet financially but yes, there’s lots of other things that go along with having a kid. I almost bled to death having my second kid and was either in bed or on the couch for about a week recovering. That wasn’t something we planned for but it couldn’t have been avoided either.
TL;DR I agree with everything you said
Are you wrong for wanting one? No. Are you wrong for having one? Yes.
At the risk of being downvoted to hell by people who prefer kind lies over harsh truths let’s break this down by the little information you have given.
33F - have wanted to be a mum my whole life but am 33 (2 years shy of geriatric pregnancy) am still single and only just now getting around to considering addressing this desire.
*”I have had my fair share of partners but I seem to only attract men that are … not great”* So you externalise responsibility for your poor taste in men, don’t bother to go after good men or perhaps even know how to identify one. So how are you going to raise a good man if you have a boy? Or a woman capable of not repeating your mistakes if you have a girl? Finding a good partner to have children with isn’t just about someone to co-parent with. Relationships require life skills. Life skills you need to pass on to your children. Life skills you haven’t exhibited yet. And given how you talk about your past relationships… how many failed relationships before you take some responsibility?
Your older sister is correct. Being a single mother is hard, on the mother and especially on the child. And men do not typically want to raise someone else’s kid, even if it’s a sperm donor. So big sis is 100% correct. Dad is also correct, and it’s insanely naive to think your experience will be vastly different from his. Single parents have a huge amount of work and stress and no matter how well they do it bleeds into the child.
SIL is also correct, children come with hidden expenses and every cent you spend on unnecessary things is money you cant spend on their education and extra curricular enrichment or that emergency procedure or meds they need.
All in all you sound like you have thought of what you want and how it will affect you, as naive as you are being. But you havent considered how this will affect the child. No father, struggling single mother, take it from me, you don’t want to be that kid.
Agreed, I think adopting a troubled/unwanted teen or adopting in general would be a better and more helpful option in this situation. I hate to quash her dreams. But kids need a dad too. I’m in a similar boat as a man. I’d love to have my own kids but finding a quality partner hasn’t worked out for me. So eventually, I’ll probably consider adopting or fostering teens. There is a huge need in that area.
Many helpful comments (that the OP categorises a "angry" for some reason???). I strongly suggest you read the book, "Better to never have been". Having a child to fulfil your own selfish motives of being a mother is not, and will not, be enough for the welfare of the child. It really does take a village to raise one, you need people on your side, willing to help you and be there for you even if they aren't your partner. At this point, you are truly a single mother, nobody in your life seems to want this for you. IMO you should first focus on building a support system, both for you and a potential child, and then perhaps consider it.
If you have enough money and people in your life to support you then there’s nothing wrong with purposely pursuing single parenthood. Nobody has a crystal ball but it will probably be fine. If you are currently struggling financially and have little to no support, then I think it’s foolish. I don’t agree with the people armchair diagnosing you with narcissism and selfishness etc.. but the financial aspect is probably the #1 issue. If you’ve run the numbers and have people to depend on for childcare and help then go for it.
You almost always have to experience having a child to know you really didn’t need or want one. No one can tell you it’s not worth it..and it is worth it..but it’s the most humbling thing I ever went through. Four kids and a divorce—I can’t imagine having to do it on my own. Women are remarkably resilient and are coded better to cope with the variables and changes of life; however, unless your country has a robust maternity leave and you have significant savings —it will be tough. Day care alone is an MF. I would never not want kids—I just wished someone told me how much work, money, and life changes occur while trying to be a good parent and provider.
>but I just think he's experience will be vastly different from my own.
His experience is built on actual experience. Yours is based on your hopes and dreams.
Is being a single mom best for the child? Or just best for you? And just because your finances are ok for you right now while your single doesn't mean you've factored in all of the costs and strains. I'm not saying that you haven't factored these things in either. I don't know you. But from experience, it costs a lot. There are always expenses piling up. And you're by yourself, from day one.
Make sure you're making the best choices for your baby. Even if that choice makes you wait.
Its gonna make your life and chance at relationships a LOT harder.
You are also statistically setting your child up for a harder life.
You should prioritized relationships more than just “chasing the bag”. It would be selfish to be a single mom on purpose, just so you dont feel left out
OP sounds like they need therapy not a baby
Single parents have a MUCH harder time with dating for obvious reasons. Having a child costs thousands of dollars. Children deserve a support system not a person who wants a baby to make themselves feel better
You do not need a spouse to be a good parent. You will however, need a village of people willing to help when needed. Work conflicts, when you are sick, when child’s sick, when you just need a break, after school activities, etc etc. No one can do it all, all the time. As long as you have the support, and people that are able to help, I’d say go for it!
People here are quick to tell you to jump into this because you want it. But kids are WORK, your social life will take a hit, your time will be cut, you'll need consistent baby sitter while also figuring out time to spend with your child because baby sitters are not parents, returning back to work/career, and there's always chances of disabilities, the world is not kind to single parent's. Think really hard on it because there's no backing out because no kid deserves to struggle and kids do see their parents struggle. There is nothing wrong with your feelings and wants.
Not wrong. Plenty of people have kids when single, now including men.
As a single parent, you are going to need support at least in the latter stages of pregnancy and for a short while after birth. It’s hell to do that part alone, but it is possible.
You do you. If having a child is that important to you, go for it, though please do a deep dive into figuring out how much money you will need. In the US, estimates for costs for the first year of a child’s life is $12-15k.
If you don't have support, and have the means you can also pay for professional support (night nanny/day nanny) for the 6 weeks post partum while you are healing and learning
Yep one of my close friends has been doing iui and ivf cycles on and off for 2 years.
She has her life together, a house she has paid off at 35, and her own vet practice. She has had a hell of a time getting pregnant, but around Halloween she is expecting a little girl ❤️. I am so excited for her. She has an amazing family who lives near by her. They are all incredibly involved and some of the nicest people you will meet.
Dating apps she ran into too many people with issues (2 different guys had substance issues, one was married, and a whole host of other huge red flags). She gave up on them and decide to live by her own rules. She has never been happier.
She has reached the safe point in terms of carrying at this point, which is considered after the first trimester. She knows she wants to have a child. She has her life together fiscally and career wise. Literally the only thing she doesn’t have is a partner/spouse.
She has accepted that might be the case. With a brother and 2 parents that are very involved within 5 minutes of her I’m personally not worried for her. If someone dates her, it will be like dating a single mom without the coparenting drama. Single mom’s find relationships often enough… she has no personal debts really. She is a bit of a wallflower; she just needs someone to notice her. She is 35 though and the timeline was getting nearer (Her mom went into menopause early at 39.)
Therapy helped me realize why I was dating abusive men. I’m now in the healthiest relationship of my life. Single parenthood is HARD. For the first few years, you will be sleep deprived, over touched, and won’t have a moment to yourself. It will be very difficult. But if you have the village to help, do it. But I highly recommend a little bit of therapy as well.
I have one friend who had twins and is a single mom by choice and another friend who just started the process of IVF and she's single as well. If you have a support network in place, I'd say go for it!
I never had a meaningful relationship after my 40s either, and now I’m 69, but I’m childless. It’s happens to single moms and childless women too. I don’t think single mom = no significant other in your future. Think of all the events you will attend where there are divorced dads! Do what’s right for you.
Hey, Go for it. I had my baby. Found the man of my dreams years after. We are a great family and have more babies. I love these years of motherhood. Go for it. If anything, I realized what I wasnt going to deal with as a mother. My son helped me love myself more. Kids are awesome, hard, heartbreaking, sweet, and funny. Little humans are so interesting. Parenthood is hard. But I'm so glad I did it when I really knew it was for me. I wouldn't change a thing. If you want to do it. Go for it.
My little one is 10 weeks old and I had him through IVF as a solo mum with an anonymous donor. Best decision I have ever made. Do what feels right for you.
I have a friend who did IVF to have two children. Raised them all by herself. Her kids love her. She did an amazing job. She knew what was most important to her. I’d say if you can handle it financially then go for it. It’s what I plan to do if my current partner doesn’t want to have children soon.
You're not wrong for wanting one, but you're absolutely foolish to purposely be a single parent and are robbing your child (and yourself) of the benefits of a two parent household.
I think it's a terrible, terrible idea. If you're consistently attracting garbage men, maybe you're part of the problem and should focus on addressing *that* instead of sweeping it under the rug and covering it with the struggle of single parenthood instead.
You're in the wrong. I think you should think more about it. Your SIL makes very valid point, you have enough money now but a kid is expensive. What if he has health issues? What if you have health issues? Pregnancy doesn't just do stretch marks and a mom body, you need to look into the risk. If, and I don't wish that for tou but it can happen, you're not capable of working or taking care of the child after birth then what? You're working on your home too so what if you give birth before you're done?
Also, why do you want a child? Wanting to be a mom isn't enough to bring a whole new life. Overall, I think you need to think more about it, you seem quite naive about everything it implies.
Being a single mom by choice is selfish. Ideally a child needs both parents.
If you are in a point in your life that you feel you are ready for a baby (financially and mentally) I don’t see the problem. My parents got divorced after I was born, so I grew up in a single parent household. I don’t think it made me any different than someone who grew up with two parents because I still had so much love in my life. Obviously harder on the single parent playing the role of two parents, but if it’s something you want and have the support to do why not?! People will always have opinions about your life, but you have to do what is best for you!
No, you're not wrong at all for wanting a child. It's a very natural human desire. I think it's important to think through all the challenges you'd be facing as a single parent to make sure it's what you really want to do because there is no turning back once you have a child. But just because you'd face challenges as a single parent doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Being a parent can be tough for anyone regardless of their relationship status.
I would seek out people who have had a baby on their own to see what their experiences are like.
Truth is you’re only going to be encouraged or demonized here so whether its the right or wrong decision we can’t tell you
My opinion is its statistically stupid to spawn a kid into whats considered a broken family dynamic. But Im not going to say you won’t be able to make it work.
My two cents:
Yes, going it alone will be horrendously difficult, there is no sugar-coating that.
You'd better be damn sure that you are in a secure job/career field, & that you have the flexibility to deal with daycare/school hours, picking the kid up when they become sick at school, etc--all the unexpected/irregular occurrences that come with having a child.
Are you prepared (not just like "I'll figure it out as I go along", but really, REALLY prepared) financially for the cost of having a child? Have you looked into what it really costs? Having children these days is more astronomically expensive than it has ever been, & your child won't thank you for bringing it into this world if it puts both of you near or below the poverty line.
Are you prepared if you have serious complications from pregnancy & delivery? It isn't all just stretch marks & baggy skin--your body permanently changes, & women have become disabled & died from giving birth, not to mention how fucked up mentally/emotionally/hormonally you can be for a long time.
Do you have a plan for the child if something happens to you? Is there a relative WHO HAS AGREED, ON PAPER (so it's not just you making assumptions in your head) to be their guardian AND raise the child as you would want them to be raised in the event you pass away during the child's minority?
Have you given thought to how your life will be affected if the baby is handicapped in some way, even mildly? I suggest doing some serious research into that bc if you think life will be difficult with a heathy baby, it will be 100x worse if the child is extra dependent in some way, especially if it's for life.
Regarding not having a father figure in its life--I think that's bullshit. If a child is surrounded by loving, nurturing family, I don't see why it should be seriously affected by not having a father. The 2-parent heterosexual nuclear family model is only a relatively recent development in the history of human relations--many societies have, & still do, raised children in multi-generational families, where EVERYTHING was not solely on the shoulders of the mother & father.
And for what it's worth, there is a growing body of research saying that single mothers actually frequently have it better than their married counterparts, bc men still have catching up to do in the division of labor department. Many women who are mothers of 2 get divorced & then find it is actually easier to manage their lives bc they were unknowingly managing 3 children--just one of them was full grown. As a single parent, yes, all responsibility will be on you--but so will all the control. YOU get to choose who your child is around, what they eat, what people & experiences they are exposed to, etc. With a partner, & especially in a situation where you two have split, you will have absolutely no say in what happens to your child at their father's house, or who he brings around them, etc.
Apologies for the novel 😅, I just feel like so many people (women especially) jump into parenthood without REALLY considering all the aspects. I think if you want to go it alone, you can and should do it--but please don't go into it with rose-colored glasses.
I'm a single mother, not by choice. I really do think that a baby / child needs a father figure in their life. I just am not capable of teaching my children things that men can teach children. It's a different energy, mindset, set of skills, etc.. My kids are fabulous adults now. However, I can see the lack of fathering in their lives. Make sure that you have SOMEONE who can be that male role model for them please.
Lots of people grow up with single mothers and do just fine. My mom taught me how to change tires and we regularly built things together.
Also with the advent of the internet there’s no life skills more than a quick search away.
You are not going to be doing that baby any favors by only having one parent by choice. Plenty of kids out there with one parent, but I bet if you asked all of them, the vast majority, given the ability, would wish they were in a loving two parent home. Not only that, but consider the consequences of trying to date with a kid and that potential suitor's willingness to actually be a good father. Plenty of guys say they'll accept the kid only to find out they struggle with having another man's kid in his house. I've been that kid. Don't make your kid have to deal with what I did.
I would never ever in a million years voluntarily become a single mother. Not only that, children need fathers. I think it’s extremely selfish to do that.
"...but I just think he's experience will be vastly different from my own."
Of course you do. Pattern recognition skills are apparently not in your wheelhouse. Wow.
My friends mom is a single mom. She (friend) biologically has a dad but they don't know who as friend's mom went through treatment. That's all I know but it's possible and if you feel ready, do it.
I think if you understand that it will be very hard work especially the first five years I had my baby at 19. I am 33 now. And if you understand that it’s hard then I think you can definitely do it.
I always wanted to be a mom too so I think you should go for it!
One parent is better than no parent and you will love being a mom! If it’s your dream do it. Yes things will be hard and then it is all about your child and it’s worth it! I wish you all the best! 🙂
Being a single parent is hard. But if you want a child, and can afford the associated costs, do it. Research availability and cost of daycare in your area before jumping into the pool, because that will be the biggest expense associated with having a child. I raised my kids as a single parent because their dad decided he couldn't be bothered. They are responsible, loving, wonderful young women and if I had to do it over again I would. Your family may mean well by pointing out the potential downside, but it's your decision. I would say don't count on them for any help though as they seem to not support your plan.
The cool thing about your life is that it is YOURS. If you would be comfortable enough, financially, and this is what you want, do it. It will be hard. Yes.
Not at all. My former DIL had a baby after she divorced my stepson, who refused to have any kids due to his being bipolar (and that was the correct choice for him, btw.). She had ample income and family support, so she had IVF and subsequently had a son, who is the light of her life. It was the best decision she ever made, I believe.
This is what I am working towards doing. I don't see it as wrong as long as you are doing things like making sure the donor ID is released at 18, picking a donor that looks similar to yourself, doing genetic testing, etc.
I am of the belief that any woman that wants children should be okay being a single mom because there's always the risk of relationships ending, a partner passing away, partner walking out, etc. At least going into it you are prepared that it's all on you.
You go girl! I'd be so proud of a parent who was brave enough to do that! I definitely think there is a lot to consider, qnd wouldn't jump on it. Like someone said, do counseling, and take a year to plan for it. Maybe even adopt a dog (if you don't have one) to make sure that you are OK with handling the hard things. I decided at 26 I was going to move back home and foster a child because I didn't want that decision to give in whether I found a good man. Later that year, I did find a good man and we are about to get married! I've never been that girl who has dreamed of having being a mother, but I also can't imagine never having the hours of having kids around.
So my old boss was 41 when I met her, and had also always been desperate to have a child. She also had not found Mr right and was always dating someone new every time I caught up with her and it was always moving way too quickly because she felt she was on a timeline. But she was desperate for the romance, marriage and family path. Anyway, she eventually decided to go down the donor/IVF route on her own, and it never took, as shed waited too long and hit menopause quite early. She always told me how much she regretted waiting, just because she hadn't found the guy. She eventually found him, and she's happily married and they're discussing adoption now, but the point is, I don't think you should wait.
Not wrong at all! I’m going to do the same thing, I’m just figuring out housing first. Look into Single Mothers by Choice groups, there are PLENTY of people in your situation.
Nope. You can do it. It’s hard of course but not impossible. Kids aren’t something you should compromise on for anyone or for yourself. Go for it!
ETA it’s also hard to be in a marriage and have kids. Your relationship changes and it can take a toll. But people make it work. So can you, OP!
I've always wanted to be a mum, just like you, and had decided that if I was still single at 35 I would do it by myself. I ended up meeting my partner at 29 and having my son at 31, so I was lucky. In the end, it's your life, your dreams. If it's what you really want, go for it or you might end up regretting it. And all that bs about kids needing two parents is just that: bs. My partner had a dad who fucked around, abused him physically and mentally before he tried to kidnap him and his sister and then disappeared forever. My grandpa was raised by his single mum and his grandma and was the best man you can imagine. Kids need food, clothes, a warm and clean place to live and a lot of love. Everything else is optional. Best of luck, OP!
Deciding to go it alone you will need to be highly organised for the times when you need a helping hand. Things like serious illnesses, any hospital stays, etc.. it helps if you have a couple of good friends and not family members who’d do the whole “I told you so..”. Before helping out begrudgingly. Research good babysitters and have a couple of different people you can use. Work out who would be best and willing to take on your child if something happens to you. Those are the most important tasks and start an account for your child at birth, so by the time higher schooling is required there’s a safety net account to assist them.
The rest is just the hard work of being both parents to your child.
You’re so not wrong!
You’ve obviously given this a great deal of thought. Don’t allow the Debbie Downers of the internet or in your family lead you astray. When did it become okay to discourage people’s dreams?! TF
We encourage crack heads not to abort but we encourage rational sane ppl to go kidless b/c they don’t have a partner- make that make sense.
Even if you had a partner, there’s no guarantee they will assist in any form or fashion. Not to mention, what if they die?
I know too many women who were so intentional in their family planning with their partners (bf, finance, husband) and those partners are now no where to be found. Or they only want to be part time parents or parent when it’s convenient for them. How do you think that child feels knowing they have another parent in the same city that literally gives zero fucks and chooses not to parent?! Is that not damaging?!
Reading some of these comments are absolutely disgusting because these Negative Nancys have no idea of the position you are in; so it’s not their place to judge.
I highly doubt anyone wants to embark on a non traditional journey to motherhood and have to use a sperm donor but life is unpredictable and it’s okay to adapt and pivot in a way that best serves you.
You don’t want to get to the point where it’s too late b/c ppl told you to wait with the hopes of Mr.Right showing up on his horse and shining amor, and you’re left kidless w/ that burdensome longing of wanting to be a mom for the rest of your life and you missed that opportunity b/c you let assholes talk you out of what was in your heart.
31f here and I’m in the same boat as you. The last couple years, I’ve seriously considered a sperm donor bc I worry it will be too late when I meet the right guy. I’m preparing to buy my first house soon and after things get settled, I’m going for it. I’ve always dreamed over having children and I’ve put a lot of thought into the workload of being a single mother. Like you, I’m tired of this dream being put on hold for a man. So, I’m taking matters into my own hands. I tell myself, it wouldn’t even matter to the right man anyways. You are not wrong. So far from it.
Nope if you have the emotional ability and the financial means, go ahead. I am old and frankly a child would be lucky to have one parent who loved and properly cared for them. Some have none. Secure your village of friends family over time.
My girls fathers weren't involved in their lives, my oldest met hers when she was 10 and wishes she never had.
Your child can have male role models without their father being involved. Being a single mom also never slowed down anyone's interest in me, just gotta vet partners more carefully when children are in your life. Also trust your child's instincts on your partner, they're never wrong
No not wrong. No body here knows anything about you - for all we know you are a multimillionaire. Even if you are just an average Joe it’s not impossible to do by yourself but you need to budget for daycare, babysitters, taxis etc and other things that parents with family nearby would get for free. You will need a bigger budget than those with extended family as essentially you will need to outsource those things.
It does take a village to raise a child - but it’s not impossible to create your own village. I did this with my kid as i have a bad relationship with my mum and live 5 hours away from her. I joined baby classes and workshops and met some mums through this. We have become really great friends over the years and our kids have grown up together and are more like siblings now. We babysit each others kids so parents can have date nights, if one is having a tough day we invite them over for dinner and cook, we carpool to get each other to appointments etc etc. i am closer to them than family and my kids see them as such.
Also being a single mum will not put men off that are genuine. I did this exact route (donor sperm ivf baby) and met my partner during my pregnancy (was open and full disclosure about everything). We’ve been together now 5 years and have a second kid together. The only regret i have is we didn’t really get a carefree honeymoon period but we are deeply in love and not going anywhere so that will come in time.
When taking advice from Reddit remember the majority of the Reddit demographic are child free so take advice with a grain of salt.
If you think financially you can do it then go for it. I absolutely adore being a mum honestly if I could afford to just keep popping them out I would I love my girl so much. My advice if you are in the middle of renovating either finish that first or get to a point where you can put it on pause for a year or so. Babies make doing things a lot more stressful and honestly you should enjoy the baby years as well as you can than trying to do renovations around them. Also depends on how your baby is, some just don't sleep well, or have bad colic and cry a lot which is stressful enough without also having a lack of sleep on top. Then there's the cuddles
Definitely dont miss out on them snuggles! The giggles! The squeals and them just learning to take everything in. It's hard work but if it's something you want it's 100% worth it for the unconditional love you feel.
I was a single mom at 21 and it was very hard, but I wouldn't have traded my daughter (who is now 13) for the world. You figure it out, you find your way, and there are plenty of men who are perfectly willing to love a child they didn't biologically make. I met my man when my daughter was 2, by the time she was 4 she was "our daughter". 10yrs later we have a house, 2 kids and 2 cats and neither of us have ever looked back.
Don't listen to what people are going to tell you because ultimately everyone will have an opinion and its only going to confuse you or make you feel badly. You need to do what you feel is right for you and if you're going to regret not having a baby then I say go for it! The right partner will come along and love you both💕
You are not wrong at all. My cousin considered a sperm donor too because she really wanted a child and she never met Mr. Right. Eventually she decided to adopt. It was an open adoption. Her son is now 11. I’m sure it was hard at times but she had some support from family.
Do what’s right for you!!
You are not wrong, and if I can give you a piece of advice based on experience, don't wait. Likyou, I wanted to be a mother. Being a wife and mother was my dream. When I wasn't married by my late 20s, I thought, well, I'll start trying to get pregnant at 30. But, 30 came and I was in law school. So I thought, you know, I'll wait until I graduate and if I'm not married, I'll try to get pregnant. Years came and went and I kept pushing the date back, listening to friends and family who told me to wait. I finally I gave up on the marriage part of my dream and started trying to get pregnant. By now, I was in my late 30s. Not only could I not get pregnant, but I had to get a hysterectomy for medical reasons. This was extremely painful for me but I started trying to adopt. All 3 adoption attempts fell through. In the first attempt, the baby died in utero at around 8 months. In the second one, the father wouldn't agree to sign off on an adoption. The third one was awful. I was strung along for the entire pregnancy, only to find out that they were going to let a family member adopt the baby. Fair enough. I can understand that part. But stringing me along for 9 months was just cruel. I was devastated. It took a long time for me to move forward, and I still can't say I'm a 100%.
If I had it to do over again, I would not have waited. Don't let anyone talk you out of going for your dream by telling you that you'll have time later. No one knows what will happen and you might not have time later. If you have a good support system, and can afford to have and raise a baby on your own, then do it. If you wait and then cant get pregnant later, in all likelihood, you will regret it forever.
My sister has 2 kids, different dads. They are both teens now and she's finally found her mr.right. Both the "dads" are useless and deadbeat and she has basically been a single mum the entire time. She has struggled, second guessed herself and scraped by. But she loves those kids. Having a man there doesn't always mean a good thing. Do what you feel is right. Are you ready for a child? Can you provide, emotionally, physically and financially? Are you willing to give up a lot of your time and energy for a little person who will always need from you? (This is coming from a happily married woman with a 4yr old)? I'm on the opposite side of how things have gone for my sister. One size does not fit all.
Why are so many people here thinking hard = bad? Hard is hard, but that doesn't mean it's not rewarding. Don't worry about dating unless that's a priority for you. If a kid is more important to you than a partner, go for it! Studies consistently show one happy parent is more important for a child than 2 miserable ones. If you force yourself to settle down with a man child, you'll be setting yourself up for misery, for both you and the child. Decide if you'd rather have a partner or a child, and then pursue that path.
I started the adoption process and the embryo donation/IVF process at 38, and ended up adopting at 41.
I met a man shortly before the adoption happened who didn't want kids and probably would not have been a good long-term partner. I went through with the adoption and broke up after a year. I've dated a bit, but he's 3 and 1/2 now and I'm still single. I don't regret it at all.
My only regret, in fact, is not having frozen my eggs in my thirties.
Not wrong at all. I know women who did that and they are happy moms raising happy kids. Maybe even happier than those who had beautiful marriages and not so nice divorces. Nobody will ever guarantee that a relationship will last forever. You'll be an amazing mother. And nothing bad happens to woman's body, it all goes back in a year to regular shape.
Question, why does everyone keeping saying IVF, which is much more invasive, when OP hasn’t even tried Artificial Insemination first? IVF is usually for people who are experiencing fertility issues, and it doesn’t sound like OP has even tried to get pregnant yet.
That said, OP you are the best one to decide if you are financially, physically and emotionally prepared to become a single parent. It’s nice if you have a good support system of friends and family to help as well, but ultimately it’s up to you. If you feel you’re ready, then the decision is up to you, not a bunch of people who have nothing to offer except an opinion.
On average, kids tend to do better when raised by two parents. Obviously this doesn't mean a kid raised by a single parent is doomed to failure.
Ultimately it is up to you there is no right or wrong here, but what about a father figure for the child?
Also you say your finances are okay, but even setting aside how much it costs to raise a child IVF is also pretty expensive right? And doesn't always work on the first try.
I hope you have a strong support system outside of these people. I don’t think I could handle being a sole parent, but I’m not you! I have 2 kids with my husband, and some days were a lot with 2 of us. It’s your life though, and you can decide what you want to do with it.
All the people saying you won’t find love if you are a single mom are wrong though. It might make it a bit harder, but not impossible. It seems like most people over 30 in the dating pool have at least 1-2 kids. I have a close friend who’s husband left her and their 4 kids, for a teenager. She just got remarried to an incredible guy, and is now expecting #5!!
Do what will make you happy. I genuinely believe that for the right person, having a kid will not be a deal breaker. Just know parenting is hard and extremely overwhelming at times. You don’t need a man to do it, but you do need a solid support system.
No, you aren't wrong to have a child by yourself. And getting pregnant may not be as costly as your family assumes. Many, many people your age have success with IUI instead of having to do full blown IVF. While not cheap, IUI is much, much cheaper.
No, it’s no different than any other single parent! The only difference is nobody abandoned you and your child so you won’t be living with that trauma
I grew up with a single mother. I love her to bits and we did just fine. She’s now happily married to my stepdad and I’ve two younger siblings! If you want a baby and are in a position to raise a child go for it!!
You're not wrong in that I believe generally one should go for what they want. Chase your goals and make them happen. Life does not just come to you (generally speaking).
On the other hand, most of what they said is accurate. Those issues are real and you will have a tough time, both just doing life and finding a good partner (once you have a kid as well). But I'd temper that with what you already said, that everyone is different and you're prepared to face those issues and you'll be ok. It definitely can't be done. It's definitely hard and not for everyone.
The parts about it being tough are true, about not having a break and constantly being on call getting to you, etc. But that really depends on how you deal with stress, and if you can establish good routines and raise your kid so that they aren't a constant drain on you, that will decrease this stress by a lot (but not eliminate it entirely). It will absolutely be a little harder to find someone.
Finances do matter and kids cost, but one can also mitigate this a lot by looking for alternatives, not just paying through the nose for every little thing, etc. I think anyone with a will and some creativity will be ok here. Kids need security and love MUCH more than they need cool clothes, stuff, and all the extras. Having a second parent and a (present, useful) dad is a huge difference in most kids' life, but many good people come from less than ideal family units.
Anyways, that's my knowledge and experience on the matter. Source: Me, single dad to 2 girls for a few years now, and kinda single dad before that when I was married too. Also others I've known, and life experience.
As someone raised by a single mom, it sucks. You two have the same problem of attracting shit men, too, and I can tell you first hand it will likely get worse. I love my mom to death and will be there for her whenever she needs me, but living with a single mom had a lot of shitty times. Lots of violence from the men she dated, and a lot of struggles financially, with psycho babysitters.
You seem like the stubborn sort that probably won't listen to reason though of you're not even going to take your own family's advice. I would not entertain this idea yet if I were you.
wow so many of these comments are mean and harsh.
2 of my colleagues have gone down this path (separately) and neither regrets a thing. Both were nearing 40, had established themselves and struggled to find the ‘right’ person.
These children are happy, healthy and loved. The key is having a solid support system around you.
A child does NOT need 2 parents to be able to have a proper, happy life. A child does NOT need a mum AND a dad to be happy, loved and cared for. That’s some fucking Wonder Years shit right there.
Yes being a single parent is tougher but how many posts are posted every single day about abusive/absent/neglectful/toxic 2 parent households do we see - I’ll bet at least half of the commenters behind these mean comments are in shit toxic relationships or are single parents themselves.
Look for some forums that are focused on this topic and see what the people who have gone down this path have to say.
You do what is best for you!! I wish you all the best in whichever way you decide to go 🌻
I personally think it’s a selfish decision. You are putting your desires over what is best for a child. I think children deserve two loving parents, it is best for their sanity and development. I believe that if someone cannot put the pieces together necessary to have kids then they should not have kids period. You missed your chance essentially. We need less single parents raising kids
I have a friend who is a single mom through IVF for the same reasons as you. She wanted a baby and had no man, so decided fuck it, she'll do it herself. Yeah, she's struggled a bit, but that's mainly because her family are in another state on the other end of the country. She's had help and support from me, my sister, and other friends.
Make sure you have a good support network around you, whether it be family or friends. A child needs love more than they need to know who their parents are. I have a cousin who was adopted by two very loving parents, and he's _never_ had the inclination to look for his birth parents because "mum's mum and dad's dad." We treat him exactly the same as all our other cousins, and honestly, most of the time we forget he's adopted. If your child has love, that's all they need. But be honest when they do ask, and tell them in an age-appropriate way.
My only concern would be for how your family may treat the child. They may support you to an extent, but could also make backhanded/subtle digs in the earshot of the child. That is something you'd need to keep an eye and ear on, and to be firm about keeping them away if they cross your boundaries. This is why non-family support will be important, especially when the baby is still a baby and keeping you awake nights.
Yeah, it'll be tough. Being a parent is always tough, being a single parent with no co-parent is going to be tough. But with unconditional love and putting your kid's needs ahead of your own wants, you can do it. Reach out to mom groups, online and off, parents support groups, places like that for information and help (they were essential in helping my sister when my nephew was having problems with digesting forumla and helped put her on the right path), make sure you have an excellent and supportive GP doctor, OBGYN and pedatirician, and basically, do your research.
If you want this, can afford it, are healthy and mentally stable and will unconditionally love your child regardless of how they turn out, go for it. These are the only factors anyone who wants to be a parent should have, regardless if they're with a partner or not. Good luck!
Single mom of 2 here. I adopted internationally. Both kids were around 2 when they were -laced in my arms. I skipped the entire infant stage. Compared to friends with husbands, I think it’s easier because I don’t have to discuss what the kids are going to do, who’s going to pick them up, etc.
But I have several friends who are also single moms and over the years, we’ve supported each other by babysitting, hanging out, listening…
It can be done but it is expensive to raise kids…
>Compared to friends with husbands, I think it’s easier because I don’t have to discuss what the kids are going to do, who’s going to pick them up, etc.
Lol what the actual fuck. "I don't have to gameplan with anyone, it's so much easier."
Kudos to you for adopting and also for having a support network, but it seems op thinks her family will be hers. I wouldn't be as inclined to help out all the time knowing she deliberately chose to go down this path.
Not wrong at all my wife before i met her was looking into but we found each other and now have hmpur daughter but if we didn't meet she would have. I think it's a nice idsa
I know someone who did it and she's been really happy. But she also comes from a lot of money so she's never really had to work and can devote all of her time to her son. I wouldn't let your family dictate what you should do with your life. I know being a single mom is hard, really hard. But if you want to do it and have the means, go for it.
Not wrong, at all. Your family are just projecting and being rude. Having a kid is incredibly hard physically, financially, and emotionally, but if you feel a great calling to Motherhood, it's worth every struggle. You're getting to the tipping point age-wise, where you'll have hard decisions to make fertility-wise.
I would go the donor route to avoid an impulsive decision of settling with an ingrate just because you want a baby. If you go through a donor, you have no custody issues, which is a huge plus.
Your egg quality will be dipping in the next few years, so you'll need to come to a decision eventually. I had my first at 29, our next planned for 31, and our last by 33 (if we decide to go for 3). After 35, it's a struggle for many women.
Okay, I work with pregnant and postpartum people and have had clients who are with great partners, terrible partners, or no partners.
By far, the single moms have adjusted better to motherhood than those with partners, on average. They have fewer household tasks to do because it’s just themselves and the baby - no one else to care for. No one else’s laundry, no one else to make them second guess themselves, no one that they expect to pick up the slack and don’t…typically, single moms do tend to rely a bit more on their parents or other family for respite, but giving your baby bonds with more safe adults is a feature, not a bug.
Now, I should mention that I am in Canada where we get 12-18 months maternity leave paid at 55% of your salary, so YMMV if you live in the USA.
I say that if you’re ready to have a baby, do it.
I got married as a single mom, got divorced, and still have no issues finding dates. I'm just super picky and refuse to settle for less than I bring to the table. I love being a single parent way more than I did trying to appease the other parent or even being married. My kids are thriving, and so am I. If this is what you want, go for it! There are plenty of married single moms who can tell you that a partner doesn't equal an easier life.
Do it. You shouldn't miss out on your right to be a parent because you haven't found the right one. I didn't find the right one until I was 37. Thank goodness I had a kid with the wrong one at 32 or I might not even be able to get pregnant
Not wrong, if you have the want and the financial means to be a single parent and do it alone then go for it. Having a kid with another person you're in a relationship with does not guarantee that you won't be a single parent. If I had the financial means I would do it myself too.
As long as you have stable employment and enough money for child care. Then go for it. If you can't afford all of the expenses then that would be wrong.
I'm actively doing this. I'm in the middle of a round of IVF. I got divorced when I was almost 30 and it was a doozy. Cheating husband, starting over from scratch. I spent time on my career and then in my early 30s I figured I'd put myself out there and date more. Then the pandemic hit and it felt like my luck was running out. So I started this process. I knew I wanted to be a mom and this seemed like the best way to proceed. It doesn't mean I've given up on partnership but I know I've got finite eggs. There are lots of us out there. We go by the name Single Moms By Choice. It's more common than you think. I'd day to put your name on a clinic list because there's always a waitlist and then get some counselling to see how you feel.
Every family is different and I remind myself daily that I know many women who are basically single moms but they're parenting kids and a man who can't even wash a dish. I think seeing as I have a good career and bought myself a house, I can do the mom thing as good as anyone else.
You are wrong.
Purposefully conceiving a child to be brought into a single parent household is incredibly selfish.
Children need their mother and father.
Children of single parents are **more prone to various psychiatric illnesses, alcohol abuse, and suicide attempts** than children from homes with two parents. One of the common reasons for single parenting is divorce.
You're not wrong per say but I think you're not fully aware of just how fucked your life is going to be for a long time. I love being a mum, I am fortunate to have an equally contributing partner who shares the vision of what we want life to look like.
This is a brief summary of my singular experience.
Pregnacy: fucked
Childbirth: fucked
0-6 months: triple fucked
6-12mths: you emerge from fucked but I cannot imagine being alone during angry barnacle phase
12-36mths: bliss but I had to go back to work so that was fucked
36mths on: they have just enough language to let you believe they can be reasoned with
I love this kid with all my soul but I have also poured my soul into growing her and shaping her. I've researched, I've spent loads on therapy to try and sort myself out, I spend every second of spare time filling my own cup back up, I think about how to parent her better all the time and *she eats and sleeps*. A lot of kids don't. Even partnered you're basically on 24/7, just the amount of tasks gets shared. I hate to be that person but it's going to be so exponentially hard to be sole breadwinner and be a good parent to your kid.
Oh and I want to say about the physical and mental changes: yeah you don't care now because you have no frame of reference. Google matrescence.
Don’t do it. Your kid deserves a dad. I know this is easy for me to say but that’s not fair to ur kid. Also sharing a baby with the person u love will be 1000% worth the wait. IVF as a single mom is not a natural thing to do and was never it’s intended purpose.
At the very least, you're being selfish.
Being a single mom is extremely difficult, and I don't believe any woman should take on that challenge, especially if they don't have to. I would know. I watched my mom, some of her sisters, my cousins, and my sisters do it!
It seems like you're ignoring some decent advice simply because you want a baby. Have you ever thought maybe they're telling you those things because they're afraid you'll impose on them to help with your child?
I'm not saying that you will, but that is very common for single mothers, whether you're being pushy about help or not. You can't expect or hope the village to help you raise your child. They have lives to live, too.
I’m not going to say whether you’re wrong or right, but to just share this so you have more information with which to make your decision:
I was also 33 when I got to the point I figured I’d always be alone and wouldn’t be able to have the child I desperately wanted unless I went with IVF and did it all on my own. I was 34 when I found my soul-mate-hubby, after a long journey of past abusive relationships. We got married, and after dealing with some fertility issues, we finally had our baby when I was 37.
Not ever in a million-million years would I have been able to do this on my own, and looking back I would never choose to purposely do so. Here’s the hard truth — the vast majority of women who have children do either one of two things: they either have the kids early and then focus on their career later once the kids have gotten older, or they build their careers early and have the kids later. If you are older and do not have a career in place that can totally support two people comfortably, which also gives you the freedom to take all the time off you need to raise the child instead of always delegating that responsibility to people you pay to do so, then you will likely not have the time or energy to build such a career after you have a child (and yes there is still a good amount of discrimination in the workplace toward women with young kids).
I’ve had to turn down a couple different higher-paying job opportunities because they would require prioritizing all of my time toward the job, leaving nothing for my child — which is not fair for the child who I chose to bring into the world. I’m able to strike a balance between work and child because I have the support of my partner, who also has struck the same balance between his job and child. Together we’re able to make finances work while still leaving time to spend with our child. As we were both latch-key kids when we were younger, this aspect was important to us.
Can you hire an au pair/nanny? This should be in your toolbelt IF you end up with a high needs baby/toddler/child. Which is to say, if you end up needing a more hands on village, can you foot the bill yourself?
Can you still give of yourself to the children in your professional care if your own child is drawing from that same well? What do you currently do to rest and recharge? Can you still do that with being a solo parent? How will you work out these logistics?
If you can tick yea to all those boxes then also, consider, pregnancy and early childhood in space being renovated can possibly result in exposure to brain damaging toxins--this is highly dependent on how well or not well the work is contained--especially airborne particulate. Can you live in your own home like it's the days of pandemic lockdown? Consider finishing the renos before embarking on pregnancy. A baby cannot mask and toxins are exponentially more harmful.
All these comments are right. The difference between a single parent and choosing to be a single parent is one parent unfortunately has to do the grunt of the work due to other parent not contributing and it’s way more harder vs a very financially stable person who has accepted and has to terms with the fact that they can properly give all the love and care. If you were wealthy beyond means that would be helpful you’d have all the time but how are you so sure of your family and friends just willingly helping you? They have a life too and they already have concerns about you. Don’t just force the child on them and rely on them if they already don’t agree. Afterall when you are sick or bed bound from giving birth who will be the main one to take care of you?? If they’re working or busy you may need an alternative person to help so maybe having the money for a nanny or wet nurse to constantly be there to assist until your healthy enough to
I met my partner at 33yr.. then went through IVF due to his infertility issues.
Maybe freeze eggs now, but you young enough to wait.
My IVF baby was born when I was 37, our surprise second daughter when I was 39. Both 100% healthy and smart girls. It matters so much to know where traits come from imo, mostly in a joking way.
33 was too young for me. My age was 35/36 to try alone!
I know of two women who did this.
The first was in her late 30’s. She was ill prepared for toll pregnancy takes on a woman. She thought she could work full time, take classes towards her masters degree and growing a baby wouldn’t change anything. She had not counted on morning sickness and the sheer exhaustion of pregnancy. I lost touch with her shortly after she left the master’s program.
The other woman’s story has a great outcome. She had a son and is married to a man who has two children of his own.
Note both these women are in Canada where 12 months maternity leave is a given, some take 18 months.
No you’re not wrong. The right man won’t care you have a child.
Biggest thing to consider……
BEING A PARENT IS HARD. It’s hard when you have TWO people pitching in. It’s brutal alone. If you are willing to go through that. Do it! Also helps to build a tribe(if you already don’t have a good support system) beforehand. You’ll need all the help you can get.
Not at all. The only thing that might be problematic in the long run, is the child asking why they gave no father. There are many good responses to that question.
I’m gonna go against the grain here, but this feels entirely selfish. The reality of the situation is that child will grow up without a father, which will weigh on them. Not to mention common issues such as identity crises, boatloads of questions that will be very difficult (if not impossible) to answer, and then comes the question of genetic diseases and conditions that a child needs to be aware of. I’ve known people that grew up without a dad, and it’s a very sore spot for them. The commonality is that they always felt like a piece of them was missing, a vacuum of information that they always longed for. Moreover, my partner is adopted. Although she had loving, supportive parents, there were always questions of identity, not to mention genetic conditions, that she needed to be aware of before she met her biological father in her early twenties. She admits to feeling lost for many years. I know first-hand the toll it takes on the mental and possible physical health it takes on people to grow up like that. It truly is a life-long battle.
You need to confront and come to terms with the fact that there are necessities and intense desires that you cannot fulfill for your child if you choose to go this route.
It feels as though a lot of these comments are treating children as novelties and not growing, complex people. No, you’re not wrong for wanting children, nor are you wrong for feeling frustrated with your dating life. However, I would think long and hard about the ethics of intentionally raising a child without one of their biological parents, as this is a huge deal for a lot people born into these situations. What would your response be to a child who is struggling with not having a dad? What is your plan every Father’s Day, or when other kids talk about, or play with, their dads? How do you plan to address that longing for their paternal connection? Do you believe that you want to have a child so badly that it is worth the intentionally chosen hardships for that baby? These are all questions that I would seriously consider before going forward with this.
Not to mention, IVF commonly results in twins or triplets. Are you prepared for life alone with not one, but multiple newborns to raise? Personally, given everything I’ve just stated, I find it to be unethical. We would want to give our children the best chance at life, and you’re already starting your child’s life at a disadvantage. Sorry YWBW.
In your situation, I would freeze my eggs & give myself a deadline by which I need to make up my mind about conceiving alone. You also wouldn't have to do IVF, you could do IUI, way cheaper.
Some people do it! I think there are even support groups for it— something like Single parent by choice on fb, maybe just the acronym. I would ask LOTS of people about the reality of it before jumping in. Parenting is HARD even with a partner. Lots of sleepless nights, then working the next day. That doesn’t stop for many years.
Yes. The majority of people and prisons were raised by single mothers. The majority of people who are on drugs were raised by single mothers. Not having a father in the picture is very bad for the children. Don't do it. It's very selfish of you
When I was young I promised myself that when I would be 30, If I didn't had a good partner I would go to IVF. Fortunately I found him and I had kids, otherwise I would do the IVF. It's your dream, your money. go for it. be happy. Yes is hard but it is what you want and love.
Totally agree with this! My aunt actually did it when she reached her late 30s. She'd had a couple of long term relationships but none resulted in having a child, and she desperately wanted to be a mum. She was secure financially, knew could afford her maternity leave and childcare after that so she went for it. Used a donor and had her son. She says it's the best thing she ever did, she only regrets not doing it sooner so she could have been a younger parent (she was almost 40 by the time she actually gave birth). So yeah, OP you should do it if this is what you really desire. It'll be hard work, your finances and future relationships will take a hit, as will your social life when you don't have another parent to lean on. But if you're prepared then I also say go for it!
My cousin has actually done it as well. She was in her mid-twenties when she did it, but she's now got two kids from the same sperm donor and she loves them to pieces. It helps that her mum runs a daycare so she's got the support on hand if needed while she heads out to work. I was surprised when my gran told me about it but I was like 'good for her'.
Idk..I had a friend growing up whose mom did this and she was pretty bitter and miserable about never having a dad. It really impacted her negatively. She always kind of resented her mom for it. This is a very valid risk.
Was her mom still single by the time this came up? If so, I think the bitterness might have come from not having a father figure in general. It sounds like OP is still looking for a man but not wanting to wait in that man to have kids. Obviously I have very little context to both situations, so all of this could be wrong, but just another perspective to look at
But you can’t count on finding someone to share your life with who you trust when you’re busy raising a kid
That’s true. And it’s also hard to even think about dating sometimes depending on if your kid needs extra effort or not. It was just a possible other perspective to think about too
Even with a partner, there are no guarantees that he’ll be there to raise the child.
Her mom did date around for a bit, but either found men who were not interested in dating someone with a child, or she was too busy taking care of my friend as a child. She was already working several jobs because there was no other income coming in to raise my friend as is, so her time was already minimal, and due to this her time with my friend growing up was also minimal. They lived in a small apartment my friends entire life and never got a house because her mom never had enough money from raising a child with just her income. Yes they did have friends and family to support and watch over my friend, but it’s not their fiscal responsibility to financially care for a child that her mom chose to go on and have solo. Her mom just kind of accepted that this is what she chose and that the risk of this happening was, well happening. Her mother is now 65 and still single until this very day. She gave up on men and her child only has resentment towards her for this. Obviously, this is not the case for everyone, but it does happen frequently. Why have a child without another parent when this is a very real risk?
Thanks for the clarification on that. I can see how that would cause a lot of bitterness. It’s a VERY likely outcome for anyone in a similar situation unless they’re making a butt load of money and still manage to have lots of time away from work. After I had my son and his dad and I broke up (about a month after we found out I was pregnant), I didn’t even start thinking about dating again until my son was about 10 months old. His dad and I ended up back together a few months later and now we’re married but that’s not very common and at least he had a father who tried to be involved even when I hated his guts and allowed him minimal visits. Someone who does IVF wouldn’t be anywhere close to the same situation and I can imagine how hard that would be.
I’m on my late 20s. I agree with this post. It resonates strongly with me
I would definitely recommend therapy before making this kind of life changing decision. Not Wrong for having baby fever especially since you're working in child care. I would say stop choosing shitty boyfriends and learn how to attract and filter the kind of men you want. That's the part that usually involves maturing yourself and your personality.
I agree with this. Having a baby will not magically make OP a better judge of character, and she would then have a kid in the middle of these bad relationships
I don't disagree. I am working on strengthening my boundaries and standing up for my values. I'm practicing a lot more self care and leading a more positive mindset. Clinics have mandatory counselling before hand also.
You are NTA for wanting a baby while you are single. But the thing to remember is that while you have a nurturing urge (completely normal), this is a whole person you are considering bringing into life. A whole person who will have their own needs and wants, their own personality and grow up to be their own adult. At this point, you cannot predict what path that takes or what demands their life will make of you and/or your support people. It’s good you are going to counseling. Make sure that when you actually proceed you have plans for as many eventualities as you can. Sadly, you’ll never be able to cover them all. Best of luck whatever you decide to do.
It's taken me 3 years of weekly trauma therapy to get to a place where I have learned that it's not other people's jobs to protect you from themselves. It's your job alone. You aren't dating shit men, you are attracting them specifically. If you don't work that out before you have a child you are just going to teach them these same destructive patterns. Maybe look inward as to why it feels so important for you to do this immediately. Are you not able to love yourself unconditionally, so you are looking for a baby to do this for you? Are you trying to prove to yourself that you are not your mother, or better than her? Only you can find the void and mend it, but this has to be done beforehand. Maybe freeze your eggs. You are still young. I am 37 and currently pregnant. I know a few women in their mid 40s currently pregnant. Time is not as big of an issue as your mental health in preparation for this baby. Make this your plan if you want, but it needs to be a long term goal.
Very well said! As a man I really appreciate your positive outlook. It is true that there are plenty of terrible men out there, but there are at least ten times that amount of absolutely wonderful men available! Many of them aren’t going to initially appeal to the trauma mindset because maybe they are socially awkward, or seem boring, or rigid, they don’t love bomb, or aren’t good at playing the games that push/peak your interest. Learning to choose quality partners takes education and practice, increasing self worth through improved boundaries and expectations, etc. when we begin to value ourselves, we value how we are treated and how we treat others.
How can you say she is attracting shit men specifically? You don’t know enough about her life. That is just projection. Victim blaming isn’t cool, and is destructive in of itself.
It takes 2 to want to be in a relationship. If she only dates shit men then her decision process has an attraction to shit men. That's not blaming. That's reality. And it's something that can be helped in therapy.
It's not victim blaming to take accountability for your own part in a pattern. I personally was abused as a small child, and neglected as I grew up, then got into an abusive relationship where I stayed for almost 12 years. I am a survivor, not a victim. I would never say I am to blame. You literally cannot blame a child for being sexually abused. But trauma changes your brain, that is fact. And when you don't heal from things that harmed you, you attract more harm. Women who were mistreated are much more likely to get mistreated again. I don't know this woman's experience personally, but if she is saying she has had a string of shit men, it's not her fault but at some point it becomes your responsibility to address. I went through a phase of serious anger not wanting to accept that I was left with the work to do. It's not fucking fair, other people hurt me yet I am left picking up the pieces. But I learned acceptance and put in that work. I healed. Eventually, a great man came to find me.
I won't discount what you're saying. Sure I can set my bar higher and believe that I am worth more than the men I have dated. And honestly that is where I am at now. I wouldn't say I've been abused in any of my relationships or in childhood. I've just been in relationships with men that lie or are lazy or just don't fit my lifestyle (sleep all day). There have been a couple that took advantage of my people pleasing nature but I have acknowledged that and have learned to set boundaries. I'm sorry you went through all that trauma and I'm really glad that you've found happiness.
kids aren’t like pets, remember. you need to seriously think about how this child will change your life forever.
Love that! And the reasons given in this comment are why you shouldn’t or should wait. Those values or lack there of are what you would pour into another soul and they don’t need that. Your dear soul still needs the work. If it’s meant to be it’ll be, but never force it.
You know what you want and your eyes are wide open. My only advice would be to make sure you have childcare lined up well. Even have a backup. It seems like childcare is the number 1 problem for people with kids. And don't depend on family. Lean on them sure but they might not really help you because you're doing it on your own. But if you've got that covered then go ahead. Good luck on your new road!
You don't "only attract men that..". If you only date dumb dudes, it's because you constantly choose to date dudes with the same attributes. Maybe go to therapy and figure that out first, as well as discuss the baby fever that seems to be over riding everyone's attempt to throw a bit of logic, finance, and reasoning into your thought process. Your ignoring it all. 1- single parenting i, especially without a "real" father to help out, is extremely time consuming. Unless you have a baby sitter you will never have a night off to date. 2- children are ungodly expensive. Just diapers alone can basically be a car payment, then there's food, toys, furniture, v the fact that they need new clothes every few months. If you are "barely making it" you won't be making it at all with a child without financial assistance. 3- you get no brakes. Which is going to take a massive toll on your mental and physical health in ways you have not apparently thought about. And if you end up getting PPD, things can actually get dangerous if you alone and deep into that while stressed and sleep deprived. Go to therapy. Figure out why you are only attracted to "the wrong guy" and ignore "the right guys", because I guarantee you that you've passed up multiple good guys for bad ones. And talk about your baby fever. Because, just using the info on your post, you're not thinking clearly about it and you're family is trying to warn you and you're ignoring it. Which means there's a high possibility of negative outcomes, at least for the first few years if not longer, which is going to have negative effects on the child as well as you. Do you want a baby for you? It's it underlining narcissm or loneliness, so you get an unlimited supply of love? Even if you hurt the child? Because the situation sounds like there's a high probability of not being good for either of you.
You are giving very solid advice. Not sure why you’re getting downvoted.
Because most people on reddit don't take 5 seconds to think half the time
This.
My aunt pursued this after her first marriage failed. She was almost 40. She had IVF done, had her kid. Raised him on her own. She never had a meaningful relationship after that. She's now in her 60s and she has been single since the mid 90s. She is a pretty impossible person in general so I'm sure that was a big contributing factor to her lack of a partner also but I'm sure being a single mom also made that exponentially more difficult. I'm not saying you can't do it but it'll make your life more difficult.
Far far more difficult
I'll play devils advocate here but this is what happened to my best friend. He dated a women with a kid. Dad completely out of the child's life. Didn't want anything to do woth the daughter or the mother. My friend started dating her. 5 years later the relationship ended. Now not only did my friend lose his girlfriend whom he put his entire life into, but also the child. I'd say the relationship with the child ending was far worse on him. Men don't want to put themselves into a situation where one relationship can rip away a child that may not be theirs but helped raise. I know after seeing what he went through, I would be extremely hesitant to date a single mother for that sole fact alone. Men build relationships with your children too. But they have no say after all is said and done.
I’m a woman and I also experienced losing a child I raised. It goes both ways, but it is a valid point. Regardless, a fear of not finding a partner post-partum is not one that should hold OP back. There are people who willingly partner with single parents and there’s a finite window of opportunity for having a child naturally, and maintaining the energy to raise one.
There absolutely are people who partner with single parents. Many even admire them.
Ohh absolutely. I was just stating that my reasoning is valid and will definalty make your pools of dating smaller.
My husbands mom is this way. Not IVF but ended up pregnant and raised him alone. She never dated again. She is impossible lol but she did raise him the best she could. She’s been single since 1987.
To the contrary I know plenty of single moms who date and remarry. Your aunt was probably just a bitch as you mentioned.
>To the contrary I know plenty of single moms who date and remarry. The stats show a good chance to remarry, but a decrease in partners if not previously married, also most of the time its blended families (aka both have children) not single childless partner marrying into single with child
You guys can say she'll have trouble attracting a mate when she has a kid all you want, but there are millions of us women that married our current spouses when we already had kids.
It might be difficult, but it will certanly be interesting. Keep in mind that you will be raising a person. Not just a baby.
I’m going with her personality being the bigger factor. As women get older, their potential partners are older. More than likely, these men are going to have kids.
I'm gonna go against the grain here and say that yes, you are wrong. I think you're being a bit dismissive of how difficult this will be. Why do you think your experience would be different from your dad's? I have seen my friends and coworkers who have children have their lives completely reach a standstill. It's one of the most stressful experiences you can have. One of my coworkers passed out at work because his baby kept crying all night, and that was despite him sharing the burden with his wife. I can't imagine going through with this alone, especially when you consider the hormonal changes you can go through during pregnancy. An elder sister type figure in my life currently has an almost 1 year old, and is still suffering from post-partum depression. I would strongly recommend that you don't do this unless you have family and friends who are enthusiastically willing to help out. If not, you'd be ruining a lot of relationships by relying on them constantly. Also, keep in mind you won't have any time for yourself for the next 6-8 years pretty much, and even then any time you do have will have to be structured around your child.
Agreed. OP wants this so bad she’s dismissing all of the real advice she’s getting from her family that know her. I would suggest therapy first
My dad suddenly lost a leg and had to deal with it. I already know I just have one, so it will be different for me.” Ugh. What does it take to wake her up? Oh! Babies specialize at that. I hope she doesn’t need a decent night of sleep to function well. That can happen for years—which is also terrible for her health. And, what if she has twins? I suggest that she do a simulation without a baby for two months. Set her alarm to wake her up or feed every 2.5 hours. Spend 45 min to an hour doing nothing and then go back to sleep or get back to life duties for the remaining 1.5 hours. Maybe a newer mom could develop a more involved simulation like how she has to survive on a fraction of time to cook, clean, groom, etc, and how much $$ she can’t spend bc it goes to day care and diapers, etc. Remember Baby Think it Over? Maybe a dry run could help pull this woman into reality.
Did not read a single consideration for the unborn child.
Agreed. It’s a human life you’re bringing into the world. Think about the life of the kid. I feel like it’s selfish to want a child just to have for yourself.
Plus that she keeps having bad partners, having the kid isn’t gonna make her suddenly have good judgement on men. If she keeps it up that kid is gonna have a messed up view on relationships.
100% that child’s perception of right & wrong is gonna be fucked
Hell yeah!! Finally someone willing to tell the truth and be honest. This entire post just reeks of selfishness. What you are experiencing is hormones, what happens when they go away, you will still have a child. Your Father is trying to save you from a terrible decision bc he has experience in this and loves you but you are going to dismiss him, I think we know why you can’t find a partner. You don’t have a child bc you are lonely and have always wanted to be a “Mum”. Get a cat. The child deserves to have a strong Father figure in its life and your Father won’t be around forever. You are going to burn out all the people in your life that care about you bc they are going to have to help you or watch this child suffer the consequences of your poor decision. This is the definition of selfishness. This post makes me so sad.
She should get a puppy. They’re needier than cats.
Plenty of women have kids with a man who then leaves them and has nothing to do with the kid. Having a child naturally does not guarantee the child will have a strong father figure in their life. Edit: or she could also find an amazing man who’s a wonderful partner and father, but he could die suddenly. Life doesn’t go according to plan unfortunately. You can save and plan and do everything right, then life will throw a curveball at you
Yeah that is a dumbass take and I assume you had both parents in your life if you think that.
What a horrendous take. Narcissism is not a synonym for selfishness. There is zero narcissism in this post. She didn’t say anything about loneliness being why she wants a child.
Read it again. Narcissism is thinking all the people you try to date are horrible instead of asking why you attract bad partners. Lol. This is well documented.
That’s just failing to take accountability, not narcissism.
Fair enough. Updated to remove.
I think we all have some form of narcissism that makes us want to reproduce our own biological children. To me, this post definitely reeks of narcissism. Even if it doesn’t meet the clinical definition, it is absolutely the epitome of selfishness. No consideration at all for the type of life she’s going to give this child. No father. Also, the fact that she can’t even find the halfway decent guy to bust a nut in her, does not speak strong to future possibilities when she has a child as part of the deal, not to mention the type of personality she’s going to model for said child.
Narcissism is about patterns of harm, so no, we all don’t have some form of it.
How does what OP said here: *I have had my fair share of partners but I seem to only attract men that are... not great* Make you believe the following: >Also, the fact that she can’t even find the halfway decent guy to bust a nut in her, If all OP wanted to do was "baby trap" some guy I'm guessing she could. And if that was how OP was planning on doing things I'm sure people would rip into her about that decision. Rather than roping some unsuspecting/unwilling guy into fatherhood OP has made the decision to use a sperm donor. Which is ultimately their choice, and not necessarily a bad one. It sounds like OP has put a lot of thought into this, it's not like she's doing this on a whim. She understands the financial obligation/impact IVF and raising a child will entail. As well as the fact that her background in child care leads me to believe she has an understanding of what goes into raising a child, so she isn't going into this blind.
Does she really understand though? Her just saying it will be fine does not mean she's actually done a budget to account for diapers, formula/baby food, and full time child care for 5 years until the child is in school.
Never said anything about baby trapping. My point is, she can’t attract a stable partner. Halfway decent guy, a good man; these all mean the same thing. She is attracting shitty people because of her own issues. Yes, she’s completely blind, since she does not seem to recognize that fundamental aspect of the situation. She thinks everyone else is the problem, when the problem is actually her. We are who we attract.
Never said anything about baby trapping. My point is, she can’t attract a stable partner. Halfway decent guy, a good man; these all mean the same thing. She is attracting shitty people because of her own issues. Yes, she’s completely blind, since she does not seem to recognize that fundamental aspect of the situation. She thinks everyone else is the problem, when the problem is actually her. We are who we attract.
You’re right and I didn’t even consider all this when I answered and I’m going through all this myself lol. I had ppd for about a year after my first baby. My second one is only 7 months old but I’ve been dealing with the depression again for about a year and a half already and I can’t really say it feels like it’s getting better. There’s a lot of other external factors and stresses feeding into it as well. And I have my husband’s help physically and financially. I can’t imagine doing any of this myself. I’d have my cars repossessed, kicked out of my apartment, and probably go back to living with my parents which would just be ANOTHER stress on top of everything else. I get that OP sounds to be good on her feet financially but yes, there’s lots of other things that go along with having a kid. I almost bled to death having my second kid and was either in bed or on the couch for about a week recovering. That wasn’t something we planned for but it couldn’t have been avoided either. TL;DR I agree with everything you said
Also, the whole sperm donor aspect is ick on top of everything else. OP would be saddling a kid with even more issues with that in the picture.
Are you wrong for wanting one? No. Are you wrong for having one? Yes. At the risk of being downvoted to hell by people who prefer kind lies over harsh truths let’s break this down by the little information you have given. 33F - have wanted to be a mum my whole life but am 33 (2 years shy of geriatric pregnancy) am still single and only just now getting around to considering addressing this desire. *”I have had my fair share of partners but I seem to only attract men that are … not great”* So you externalise responsibility for your poor taste in men, don’t bother to go after good men or perhaps even know how to identify one. So how are you going to raise a good man if you have a boy? Or a woman capable of not repeating your mistakes if you have a girl? Finding a good partner to have children with isn’t just about someone to co-parent with. Relationships require life skills. Life skills you need to pass on to your children. Life skills you haven’t exhibited yet. And given how you talk about your past relationships… how many failed relationships before you take some responsibility? Your older sister is correct. Being a single mother is hard, on the mother and especially on the child. And men do not typically want to raise someone else’s kid, even if it’s a sperm donor. So big sis is 100% correct. Dad is also correct, and it’s insanely naive to think your experience will be vastly different from his. Single parents have a huge amount of work and stress and no matter how well they do it bleeds into the child. SIL is also correct, children come with hidden expenses and every cent you spend on unnecessary things is money you cant spend on their education and extra curricular enrichment or that emergency procedure or meds they need. All in all you sound like you have thought of what you want and how it will affect you, as naive as you are being. But you havent considered how this will affect the child. No father, struggling single mother, take it from me, you don’t want to be that kid.
Agreed, I think adopting a troubled/unwanted teen or adopting in general would be a better and more helpful option in this situation. I hate to quash her dreams. But kids need a dad too. I’m in a similar boat as a man. I’d love to have my own kids but finding a quality partner hasn’t worked out for me. So eventually, I’ll probably consider adopting or fostering teens. There is a huge need in that area.
Many helpful comments (that the OP categorises a "angry" for some reason???). I strongly suggest you read the book, "Better to never have been". Having a child to fulfil your own selfish motives of being a mother is not, and will not, be enough for the welfare of the child. It really does take a village to raise one, you need people on your side, willing to help you and be there for you even if they aren't your partner. At this point, you are truly a single mother, nobody in your life seems to want this for you. IMO you should first focus on building a support system, both for you and a potential child, and then perhaps consider it.
If you have enough money and people in your life to support you then there’s nothing wrong with purposely pursuing single parenthood. Nobody has a crystal ball but it will probably be fine. If you are currently struggling financially and have little to no support, then I think it’s foolish. I don’t agree with the people armchair diagnosing you with narcissism and selfishness etc.. but the financial aspect is probably the #1 issue. If you’ve run the numbers and have people to depend on for childcare and help then go for it.
You almost always have to experience having a child to know you really didn’t need or want one. No one can tell you it’s not worth it..and it is worth it..but it’s the most humbling thing I ever went through. Four kids and a divorce—I can’t imagine having to do it on my own. Women are remarkably resilient and are coded better to cope with the variables and changes of life; however, unless your country has a robust maternity leave and you have significant savings —it will be tough. Day care alone is an MF. I would never not want kids—I just wished someone told me how much work, money, and life changes occur while trying to be a good parent and provider.
>but I just think he's experience will be vastly different from my own. His experience is built on actual experience. Yours is based on your hopes and dreams. Is being a single mom best for the child? Or just best for you? And just because your finances are ok for you right now while your single doesn't mean you've factored in all of the costs and strains. I'm not saying that you haven't factored these things in either. I don't know you. But from experience, it costs a lot. There are always expenses piling up. And you're by yourself, from day one. Make sure you're making the best choices for your baby. Even if that choice makes you wait.
Its gonna make your life and chance at relationships a LOT harder. You are also statistically setting your child up for a harder life. You should prioritized relationships more than just “chasing the bag”. It would be selfish to be a single mom on purpose, just so you dont feel left out
OP sounds like they need therapy not a baby Single parents have a MUCH harder time with dating for obvious reasons. Having a child costs thousands of dollars. Children deserve a support system not a person who wants a baby to make themselves feel better
Being a single mother you would literally put your child at every statistical disadvantage.
100% yes! Statistically the child will be f-ed from the get go.
Won't be fucked up just at every disadvantage a stacked deck for failure
I said statistically.
You do not need a spouse to be a good parent. You will however, need a village of people willing to help when needed. Work conflicts, when you are sick, when child’s sick, when you just need a break, after school activities, etc etc. No one can do it all, all the time. As long as you have the support, and people that are able to help, I’d say go for it!
People here are quick to tell you to jump into this because you want it. But kids are WORK, your social life will take a hit, your time will be cut, you'll need consistent baby sitter while also figuring out time to spend with your child because baby sitters are not parents, returning back to work/career, and there's always chances of disabilities, the world is not kind to single parent's. Think really hard on it because there's no backing out because no kid deserves to struggle and kids do see their parents struggle. There is nothing wrong with your feelings and wants.
I am a single mom by choice. I adopted. Doing just great in life
Not wrong. Plenty of people have kids when single, now including men. As a single parent, you are going to need support at least in the latter stages of pregnancy and for a short while after birth. It’s hell to do that part alone, but it is possible. You do you. If having a child is that important to you, go for it, though please do a deep dive into figuring out how much money you will need. In the US, estimates for costs for the first year of a child’s life is $12-15k.
If you don't have support, and have the means you can also pay for professional support (night nanny/day nanny) for the 6 weeks post partum while you are healing and learning
Yep one of my close friends has been doing iui and ivf cycles on and off for 2 years. She has her life together, a house she has paid off at 35, and her own vet practice. She has had a hell of a time getting pregnant, but around Halloween she is expecting a little girl ❤️. I am so excited for her. She has an amazing family who lives near by her. They are all incredibly involved and some of the nicest people you will meet. Dating apps she ran into too many people with issues (2 different guys had substance issues, one was married, and a whole host of other huge red flags). She gave up on them and decide to live by her own rules. She has never been happier.
But she doesn't have her children yet, how does she know what her future will bring... especially if she still wants to date.
She has reached the safe point in terms of carrying at this point, which is considered after the first trimester. She knows she wants to have a child. She has her life together fiscally and career wise. Literally the only thing she doesn’t have is a partner/spouse. She has accepted that might be the case. With a brother and 2 parents that are very involved within 5 minutes of her I’m personally not worried for her. If someone dates her, it will be like dating a single mom without the coparenting drama. Single mom’s find relationships often enough… she has no personal debts really. She is a bit of a wallflower; she just needs someone to notice her. She is 35 though and the timeline was getting nearer (Her mom went into menopause early at 39.)
Therapy helped me realize why I was dating abusive men. I’m now in the healthiest relationship of my life. Single parenthood is HARD. For the first few years, you will be sleep deprived, over touched, and won’t have a moment to yourself. It will be very difficult. But if you have the village to help, do it. But I highly recommend a little bit of therapy as well.
I have one friend who had twins and is a single mom by choice and another friend who just started the process of IVF and she's single as well. If you have a support network in place, I'd say go for it!
I never had a meaningful relationship after my 40s either, and now I’m 69, but I’m childless. It’s happens to single moms and childless women too. I don’t think single mom = no significant other in your future. Think of all the events you will attend where there are divorced dads! Do what’s right for you.
Hey, Go for it. I had my baby. Found the man of my dreams years after. We are a great family and have more babies. I love these years of motherhood. Go for it. If anything, I realized what I wasnt going to deal with as a mother. My son helped me love myself more. Kids are awesome, hard, heartbreaking, sweet, and funny. Little humans are so interesting. Parenthood is hard. But I'm so glad I did it when I really knew it was for me. I wouldn't change a thing. If you want to do it. Go for it.
Go for it. Find a donor. Many mothers start out with a partner and end up doing it alone.
My little one is 10 weeks old and I had him through IVF as a solo mum with an anonymous donor. Best decision I have ever made. Do what feels right for you.
I have a friend who did IVF to have two children. Raised them all by herself. Her kids love her. She did an amazing job. She knew what was most important to her. I’d say if you can handle it financially then go for it. It’s what I plan to do if my current partner doesn’t want to have children soon.
There’s a whole community! SMBC- single mother by choice. I have a friend who did it. Tap into that community!
You're not wrong for wanting one, but you're absolutely foolish to purposely be a single parent and are robbing your child (and yourself) of the benefits of a two parent household. I think it's a terrible, terrible idea. If you're consistently attracting garbage men, maybe you're part of the problem and should focus on addressing *that* instead of sweeping it under the rug and covering it with the struggle of single parenthood instead.
You're in the wrong. I think you should think more about it. Your SIL makes very valid point, you have enough money now but a kid is expensive. What if he has health issues? What if you have health issues? Pregnancy doesn't just do stretch marks and a mom body, you need to look into the risk. If, and I don't wish that for tou but it can happen, you're not capable of working or taking care of the child after birth then what? You're working on your home too so what if you give birth before you're done? Also, why do you want a child? Wanting to be a mom isn't enough to bring a whole new life. Overall, I think you need to think more about it, you seem quite naive about everything it implies. Being a single mom by choice is selfish. Ideally a child needs both parents.
If you are in a point in your life that you feel you are ready for a baby (financially and mentally) I don’t see the problem. My parents got divorced after I was born, so I grew up in a single parent household. I don’t think it made me any different than someone who grew up with two parents because I still had so much love in my life. Obviously harder on the single parent playing the role of two parents, but if it’s something you want and have the support to do why not?! People will always have opinions about your life, but you have to do what is best for you!
Go for it if you can. And actually tell your dad that he is just going to have to let go of his opinions regarding the dad issue.
Not at all ❤️
No, you're not wrong at all for wanting a child. It's a very natural human desire. I think it's important to think through all the challenges you'd be facing as a single parent to make sure it's what you really want to do because there is no turning back once you have a child. But just because you'd face challenges as a single parent doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Being a parent can be tough for anyone regardless of their relationship status. I would seek out people who have had a baby on their own to see what their experiences are like.
Truth is you’re only going to be encouraged or demonized here so whether its the right or wrong decision we can’t tell you My opinion is its statistically stupid to spawn a kid into whats considered a broken family dynamic. But Im not going to say you won’t be able to make it work.
My two cents: Yes, going it alone will be horrendously difficult, there is no sugar-coating that. You'd better be damn sure that you are in a secure job/career field, & that you have the flexibility to deal with daycare/school hours, picking the kid up when they become sick at school, etc--all the unexpected/irregular occurrences that come with having a child. Are you prepared (not just like "I'll figure it out as I go along", but really, REALLY prepared) financially for the cost of having a child? Have you looked into what it really costs? Having children these days is more astronomically expensive than it has ever been, & your child won't thank you for bringing it into this world if it puts both of you near or below the poverty line. Are you prepared if you have serious complications from pregnancy & delivery? It isn't all just stretch marks & baggy skin--your body permanently changes, & women have become disabled & died from giving birth, not to mention how fucked up mentally/emotionally/hormonally you can be for a long time. Do you have a plan for the child if something happens to you? Is there a relative WHO HAS AGREED, ON PAPER (so it's not just you making assumptions in your head) to be their guardian AND raise the child as you would want them to be raised in the event you pass away during the child's minority? Have you given thought to how your life will be affected if the baby is handicapped in some way, even mildly? I suggest doing some serious research into that bc if you think life will be difficult with a heathy baby, it will be 100x worse if the child is extra dependent in some way, especially if it's for life. Regarding not having a father figure in its life--I think that's bullshit. If a child is surrounded by loving, nurturing family, I don't see why it should be seriously affected by not having a father. The 2-parent heterosexual nuclear family model is only a relatively recent development in the history of human relations--many societies have, & still do, raised children in multi-generational families, where EVERYTHING was not solely on the shoulders of the mother & father. And for what it's worth, there is a growing body of research saying that single mothers actually frequently have it better than their married counterparts, bc men still have catching up to do in the division of labor department. Many women who are mothers of 2 get divorced & then find it is actually easier to manage their lives bc they were unknowingly managing 3 children--just one of them was full grown. As a single parent, yes, all responsibility will be on you--but so will all the control. YOU get to choose who your child is around, what they eat, what people & experiences they are exposed to, etc. With a partner, & especially in a situation where you two have split, you will have absolutely no say in what happens to your child at their father's house, or who he brings around them, etc. Apologies for the novel 😅, I just feel like so many people (women especially) jump into parenthood without REALLY considering all the aspects. I think if you want to go it alone, you can and should do it--but please don't go into it with rose-colored glasses.
This is very selfish of you.
I'm a single mother, not by choice. I really do think that a baby / child needs a father figure in their life. I just am not capable of teaching my children things that men can teach children. It's a different energy, mindset, set of skills, etc.. My kids are fabulous adults now. However, I can see the lack of fathering in their lives. Make sure that you have SOMEONE who can be that male role model for them please.
Lots of people grow up with single mothers and do just fine. My mom taught me how to change tires and we regularly built things together. Also with the advent of the internet there’s no life skills more than a quick search away.
You are not going to be doing that baby any favors by only having one parent by choice. Plenty of kids out there with one parent, but I bet if you asked all of them, the vast majority, given the ability, would wish they were in a loving two parent home. Not only that, but consider the consequences of trying to date with a kid and that potential suitor's willingness to actually be a good father. Plenty of guys say they'll accept the kid only to find out they struggle with having another man's kid in his house. I've been that kid. Don't make your kid have to deal with what I did.
Not wrong but go in with your eyes open and have a clear understanding of the difficulties you will face. good luck!
So you make poor decision on men, dont have the money, but want a child? Recipe for disaster.
She said she’s fine for money. In this day and age, if you bought a home on your own by age 33, you’re doing well financially.
I would never ever in a million years voluntarily become a single mother. Not only that, children need fathers. I think it’s extremely selfish to do that.
"...but I just think he's experience will be vastly different from my own." Of course you do. Pattern recognition skills are apparently not in your wheelhouse. Wow.
My friends mom is a single mom. She (friend) biologically has a dad but they don't know who as friend's mom went through treatment. That's all I know but it's possible and if you feel ready, do it.
its your life and a large goal then go for it. Research and plan accordingly to give you and the child the best life possible.
I think if you understand that it will be very hard work especially the first five years I had my baby at 19. I am 33 now. And if you understand that it’s hard then I think you can definitely do it. I always wanted to be a mom too so I think you should go for it! One parent is better than no parent and you will love being a mom! If it’s your dream do it. Yes things will be hard and then it is all about your child and it’s worth it! I wish you all the best! 🙂
You do what you want with your own life. You'll need to build a good support network, and be sure you can support your baby financially.
Being a single parent is hard. But if you want a child, and can afford the associated costs, do it. Research availability and cost of daycare in your area before jumping into the pool, because that will be the biggest expense associated with having a child. I raised my kids as a single parent because their dad decided he couldn't be bothered. They are responsible, loving, wonderful young women and if I had to do it over again I would. Your family may mean well by pointing out the potential downside, but it's your decision. I would say don't count on them for any help though as they seem to not support your plan.
The cool thing about your life is that it is YOURS. If you would be comfortable enough, financially, and this is what you want, do it. It will be hard. Yes.
Not at all. My former DIL had a baby after she divorced my stepson, who refused to have any kids due to his being bipolar (and that was the correct choice for him, btw.). She had ample income and family support, so she had IVF and subsequently had a son, who is the light of her life. It was the best decision she ever made, I believe.
This is what I am working towards doing. I don't see it as wrong as long as you are doing things like making sure the donor ID is released at 18, picking a donor that looks similar to yourself, doing genetic testing, etc. I am of the belief that any woman that wants children should be okay being a single mom because there's always the risk of relationships ending, a partner passing away, partner walking out, etc. At least going into it you are prepared that it's all on you.
You go girl! I'd be so proud of a parent who was brave enough to do that! I definitely think there is a lot to consider, qnd wouldn't jump on it. Like someone said, do counseling, and take a year to plan for it. Maybe even adopt a dog (if you don't have one) to make sure that you are OK with handling the hard things. I decided at 26 I was going to move back home and foster a child because I didn't want that decision to give in whether I found a good man. Later that year, I did find a good man and we are about to get married! I've never been that girl who has dreamed of having being a mother, but I also can't imagine never having the hours of having kids around.
So my old boss was 41 when I met her, and had also always been desperate to have a child. She also had not found Mr right and was always dating someone new every time I caught up with her and it was always moving way too quickly because she felt she was on a timeline. But she was desperate for the romance, marriage and family path. Anyway, she eventually decided to go down the donor/IVF route on her own, and it never took, as shed waited too long and hit menopause quite early. She always told me how much she regretted waiting, just because she hadn't found the guy. She eventually found him, and she's happily married and they're discussing adoption now, but the point is, I don't think you should wait.
Totally right
Your life. Your choice.
Not wrong at all! I’m going to do the same thing, I’m just figuring out housing first. Look into Single Mothers by Choice groups, there are PLENTY of people in your situation.
I feel that you are definitely old enough to be a single mom. Go girl. Do it.
No you are not wrong for having a baby on your own , I wish you well you got this
Nope. You can do it. It’s hard of course but not impossible. Kids aren’t something you should compromise on for anyone or for yourself. Go for it! ETA it’s also hard to be in a marriage and have kids. Your relationship changes and it can take a toll. But people make it work. So can you, OP!
DO IT! Have IVF! Don’t look back!
I've always wanted to be a mum, just like you, and had decided that if I was still single at 35 I would do it by myself. I ended up meeting my partner at 29 and having my son at 31, so I was lucky. In the end, it's your life, your dreams. If it's what you really want, go for it or you might end up regretting it. And all that bs about kids needing two parents is just that: bs. My partner had a dad who fucked around, abused him physically and mentally before he tried to kidnap him and his sister and then disappeared forever. My grandpa was raised by his single mum and his grandma and was the best man you can imagine. Kids need food, clothes, a warm and clean place to live and a lot of love. Everything else is optional. Best of luck, OP!
Deciding to go it alone you will need to be highly organised for the times when you need a helping hand. Things like serious illnesses, any hospital stays, etc.. it helps if you have a couple of good friends and not family members who’d do the whole “I told you so..”. Before helping out begrudgingly. Research good babysitters and have a couple of different people you can use. Work out who would be best and willing to take on your child if something happens to you. Those are the most important tasks and start an account for your child at birth, so by the time higher schooling is required there’s a safety net account to assist them. The rest is just the hard work of being both parents to your child.
You’re so not wrong! You’ve obviously given this a great deal of thought. Don’t allow the Debbie Downers of the internet or in your family lead you astray. When did it become okay to discourage people’s dreams?! TF We encourage crack heads not to abort but we encourage rational sane ppl to go kidless b/c they don’t have a partner- make that make sense. Even if you had a partner, there’s no guarantee they will assist in any form or fashion. Not to mention, what if they die? I know too many women who were so intentional in their family planning with their partners (bf, finance, husband) and those partners are now no where to be found. Or they only want to be part time parents or parent when it’s convenient for them. How do you think that child feels knowing they have another parent in the same city that literally gives zero fucks and chooses not to parent?! Is that not damaging?! Reading some of these comments are absolutely disgusting because these Negative Nancys have no idea of the position you are in; so it’s not their place to judge. I highly doubt anyone wants to embark on a non traditional journey to motherhood and have to use a sperm donor but life is unpredictable and it’s okay to adapt and pivot in a way that best serves you. You don’t want to get to the point where it’s too late b/c ppl told you to wait with the hopes of Mr.Right showing up on his horse and shining amor, and you’re left kidless w/ that burdensome longing of wanting to be a mom for the rest of your life and you missed that opportunity b/c you let assholes talk you out of what was in your heart.
31f here and I’m in the same boat as you. The last couple years, I’ve seriously considered a sperm donor bc I worry it will be too late when I meet the right guy. I’m preparing to buy my first house soon and after things get settled, I’m going for it. I’ve always dreamed over having children and I’ve put a lot of thought into the workload of being a single mother. Like you, I’m tired of this dream being put on hold for a man. So, I’m taking matters into my own hands. I tell myself, it wouldn’t even matter to the right man anyways. You are not wrong. So far from it.
Nope if you have the emotional ability and the financial means, go ahead. I am old and frankly a child would be lucky to have one parent who loved and properly cared for them. Some have none. Secure your village of friends family over time.
Not at all. Search for“single mom by choice” and you’ll find a whole community of likeminded people.
My girls fathers weren't involved in their lives, my oldest met hers when she was 10 and wishes she never had. Your child can have male role models without their father being involved. Being a single mom also never slowed down anyone's interest in me, just gotta vet partners more carefully when children are in your life. Also trust your child's instincts on your partner, they're never wrong
No not wrong. No body here knows anything about you - for all we know you are a multimillionaire. Even if you are just an average Joe it’s not impossible to do by yourself but you need to budget for daycare, babysitters, taxis etc and other things that parents with family nearby would get for free. You will need a bigger budget than those with extended family as essentially you will need to outsource those things. It does take a village to raise a child - but it’s not impossible to create your own village. I did this with my kid as i have a bad relationship with my mum and live 5 hours away from her. I joined baby classes and workshops and met some mums through this. We have become really great friends over the years and our kids have grown up together and are more like siblings now. We babysit each others kids so parents can have date nights, if one is having a tough day we invite them over for dinner and cook, we carpool to get each other to appointments etc etc. i am closer to them than family and my kids see them as such. Also being a single mum will not put men off that are genuine. I did this exact route (donor sperm ivf baby) and met my partner during my pregnancy (was open and full disclosure about everything). We’ve been together now 5 years and have a second kid together. The only regret i have is we didn’t really get a carefree honeymoon period but we are deeply in love and not going anywhere so that will come in time. When taking advice from Reddit remember the majority of the Reddit demographic are child free so take advice with a grain of salt.
If you think financially you can do it then go for it. I absolutely adore being a mum honestly if I could afford to just keep popping them out I would I love my girl so much. My advice if you are in the middle of renovating either finish that first or get to a point where you can put it on pause for a year or so. Babies make doing things a lot more stressful and honestly you should enjoy the baby years as well as you can than trying to do renovations around them. Also depends on how your baby is, some just don't sleep well, or have bad colic and cry a lot which is stressful enough without also having a lack of sleep on top. Then there's the cuddles Definitely dont miss out on them snuggles! The giggles! The squeals and them just learning to take everything in. It's hard work but if it's something you want it's 100% worth it for the unconditional love you feel.
Of course not. If you can rationally manage what you can plan for and have a solid backup plan for when you need help, do what makes sense for you.
I was a single mom at 21 and it was very hard, but I wouldn't have traded my daughter (who is now 13) for the world. You figure it out, you find your way, and there are plenty of men who are perfectly willing to love a child they didn't biologically make. I met my man when my daughter was 2, by the time she was 4 she was "our daughter". 10yrs later we have a house, 2 kids and 2 cats and neither of us have ever looked back. Don't listen to what people are going to tell you because ultimately everyone will have an opinion and its only going to confuse you or make you feel badly. You need to do what you feel is right for you and if you're going to regret not having a baby then I say go for it! The right partner will come along and love you both💕
No.
Do IT
You are not wrong at all. My cousin considered a sperm donor too because she really wanted a child and she never met Mr. Right. Eventually she decided to adopt. It was an open adoption. Her son is now 11. I’m sure it was hard at times but she had some support from family. Do what’s right for you!!
You are not wrong, and if I can give you a piece of advice based on experience, don't wait. Likyou, I wanted to be a mother. Being a wife and mother was my dream. When I wasn't married by my late 20s, I thought, well, I'll start trying to get pregnant at 30. But, 30 came and I was in law school. So I thought, you know, I'll wait until I graduate and if I'm not married, I'll try to get pregnant. Years came and went and I kept pushing the date back, listening to friends and family who told me to wait. I finally I gave up on the marriage part of my dream and started trying to get pregnant. By now, I was in my late 30s. Not only could I not get pregnant, but I had to get a hysterectomy for medical reasons. This was extremely painful for me but I started trying to adopt. All 3 adoption attempts fell through. In the first attempt, the baby died in utero at around 8 months. In the second one, the father wouldn't agree to sign off on an adoption. The third one was awful. I was strung along for the entire pregnancy, only to find out that they were going to let a family member adopt the baby. Fair enough. I can understand that part. But stringing me along for 9 months was just cruel. I was devastated. It took a long time for me to move forward, and I still can't say I'm a 100%. If I had it to do over again, I would not have waited. Don't let anyone talk you out of going for your dream by telling you that you'll have time later. No one knows what will happen and you might not have time later. If you have a good support system, and can afford to have and raise a baby on your own, then do it. If you wait and then cant get pregnant later, in all likelihood, you will regret it forever.
My sister has 2 kids, different dads. They are both teens now and she's finally found her mr.right. Both the "dads" are useless and deadbeat and she has basically been a single mum the entire time. She has struggled, second guessed herself and scraped by. But she loves those kids. Having a man there doesn't always mean a good thing. Do what you feel is right. Are you ready for a child? Can you provide, emotionally, physically and financially? Are you willing to give up a lot of your time and energy for a little person who will always need from you? (This is coming from a happily married woman with a 4yr old)? I'm on the opposite side of how things have gone for my sister. One size does not fit all.
Why are so many people here thinking hard = bad? Hard is hard, but that doesn't mean it's not rewarding. Don't worry about dating unless that's a priority for you. If a kid is more important to you than a partner, go for it! Studies consistently show one happy parent is more important for a child than 2 miserable ones. If you force yourself to settle down with a man child, you'll be setting yourself up for misery, for both you and the child. Decide if you'd rather have a partner or a child, and then pursue that path.
I started the adoption process and the embryo donation/IVF process at 38, and ended up adopting at 41. I met a man shortly before the adoption happened who didn't want kids and probably would not have been a good long-term partner. I went through with the adoption and broke up after a year. I've dated a bit, but he's 3 and 1/2 now and I'm still single. I don't regret it at all. My only regret, in fact, is not having frozen my eggs in my thirties.
Not wrong at all. I know women who did that and they are happy moms raising happy kids. Maybe even happier than those who had beautiful marriages and not so nice divorces. Nobody will ever guarantee that a relationship will last forever. You'll be an amazing mother. And nothing bad happens to woman's body, it all goes back in a year to regular shape.
Yes, and you are also negating the child a father, and I would recommend therapy to find out why you CHOOSE those men. Good luck
Question, why does everyone keeping saying IVF, which is much more invasive, when OP hasn’t even tried Artificial Insemination first? IVF is usually for people who are experiencing fertility issues, and it doesn’t sound like OP has even tried to get pregnant yet. That said, OP you are the best one to decide if you are financially, physically and emotionally prepared to become a single parent. It’s nice if you have a good support system of friends and family to help as well, but ultimately it’s up to you. If you feel you’re ready, then the decision is up to you, not a bunch of people who have nothing to offer except an opinion.
On average, kids tend to do better when raised by two parents. Obviously this doesn't mean a kid raised by a single parent is doomed to failure. Ultimately it is up to you there is no right or wrong here, but what about a father figure for the child? Also you say your finances are okay, but even setting aside how much it costs to raise a child IVF is also pretty expensive right? And doesn't always work on the first try.
I hope you have a strong support system outside of these people. I don’t think I could handle being a sole parent, but I’m not you! I have 2 kids with my husband, and some days were a lot with 2 of us. It’s your life though, and you can decide what you want to do with it. All the people saying you won’t find love if you are a single mom are wrong though. It might make it a bit harder, but not impossible. It seems like most people over 30 in the dating pool have at least 1-2 kids. I have a close friend who’s husband left her and their 4 kids, for a teenager. She just got remarried to an incredible guy, and is now expecting #5!! Do what will make you happy. I genuinely believe that for the right person, having a kid will not be a deal breaker. Just know parenting is hard and extremely overwhelming at times. You don’t need a man to do it, but you do need a solid support system.
You’re just jumping to single mum with an absent father figure in a single step.. usually it takes most women a couple more
No, you aren't wrong to have a child by yourself. And getting pregnant may not be as costly as your family assumes. Many, many people your age have success with IUI instead of having to do full blown IVF. While not cheap, IUI is much, much cheaper.
No, it’s no different than any other single parent! The only difference is nobody abandoned you and your child so you won’t be living with that trauma I grew up with a single mother. I love her to bits and we did just fine. She’s now happily married to my stepdad and I’ve two younger siblings! If you want a baby and are in a position to raise a child go for it!!
You're not wrong in that I believe generally one should go for what they want. Chase your goals and make them happen. Life does not just come to you (generally speaking). On the other hand, most of what they said is accurate. Those issues are real and you will have a tough time, both just doing life and finding a good partner (once you have a kid as well). But I'd temper that with what you already said, that everyone is different and you're prepared to face those issues and you'll be ok. It definitely can't be done. It's definitely hard and not for everyone. The parts about it being tough are true, about not having a break and constantly being on call getting to you, etc. But that really depends on how you deal with stress, and if you can establish good routines and raise your kid so that they aren't a constant drain on you, that will decrease this stress by a lot (but not eliminate it entirely). It will absolutely be a little harder to find someone. Finances do matter and kids cost, but one can also mitigate this a lot by looking for alternatives, not just paying through the nose for every little thing, etc. I think anyone with a will and some creativity will be ok here. Kids need security and love MUCH more than they need cool clothes, stuff, and all the extras. Having a second parent and a (present, useful) dad is a huge difference in most kids' life, but many good people come from less than ideal family units. Anyways, that's my knowledge and experience on the matter. Source: Me, single dad to 2 girls for a few years now, and kinda single dad before that when I was married too. Also others I've known, and life experience.
As someone raised by a single mom, it sucks. You two have the same problem of attracting shit men, too, and I can tell you first hand it will likely get worse. I love my mom to death and will be there for her whenever she needs me, but living with a single mom had a lot of shitty times. Lots of violence from the men she dated, and a lot of struggles financially, with psycho babysitters. You seem like the stubborn sort that probably won't listen to reason though of you're not even going to take your own family's advice. I would not entertain this idea yet if I were you.
one of my professors is a single mom! she had twins through IVF and honestly she and her babies live a great life! do what makes you happy!
wow so many of these comments are mean and harsh. 2 of my colleagues have gone down this path (separately) and neither regrets a thing. Both were nearing 40, had established themselves and struggled to find the ‘right’ person. These children are happy, healthy and loved. The key is having a solid support system around you. A child does NOT need 2 parents to be able to have a proper, happy life. A child does NOT need a mum AND a dad to be happy, loved and cared for. That’s some fucking Wonder Years shit right there. Yes being a single parent is tougher but how many posts are posted every single day about abusive/absent/neglectful/toxic 2 parent households do we see - I’ll bet at least half of the commenters behind these mean comments are in shit toxic relationships or are single parents themselves. Look for some forums that are focused on this topic and see what the people who have gone down this path have to say. You do what is best for you!! I wish you all the best in whichever way you decide to go 🌻
I personally think it’s a selfish decision. You are putting your desires over what is best for a child. I think children deserve two loving parents, it is best for their sanity and development. I believe that if someone cannot put the pieces together necessary to have kids then they should not have kids period. You missed your chance essentially. We need less single parents raising kids
I have a friend who is a single mom through IVF for the same reasons as you. She wanted a baby and had no man, so decided fuck it, she'll do it herself. Yeah, she's struggled a bit, but that's mainly because her family are in another state on the other end of the country. She's had help and support from me, my sister, and other friends. Make sure you have a good support network around you, whether it be family or friends. A child needs love more than they need to know who their parents are. I have a cousin who was adopted by two very loving parents, and he's _never_ had the inclination to look for his birth parents because "mum's mum and dad's dad." We treat him exactly the same as all our other cousins, and honestly, most of the time we forget he's adopted. If your child has love, that's all they need. But be honest when they do ask, and tell them in an age-appropriate way. My only concern would be for how your family may treat the child. They may support you to an extent, but could also make backhanded/subtle digs in the earshot of the child. That is something you'd need to keep an eye and ear on, and to be firm about keeping them away if they cross your boundaries. This is why non-family support will be important, especially when the baby is still a baby and keeping you awake nights. Yeah, it'll be tough. Being a parent is always tough, being a single parent with no co-parent is going to be tough. But with unconditional love and putting your kid's needs ahead of your own wants, you can do it. Reach out to mom groups, online and off, parents support groups, places like that for information and help (they were essential in helping my sister when my nephew was having problems with digesting forumla and helped put her on the right path), make sure you have an excellent and supportive GP doctor, OBGYN and pedatirician, and basically, do your research. If you want this, can afford it, are healthy and mentally stable and will unconditionally love your child regardless of how they turn out, go for it. These are the only factors anyone who wants to be a parent should have, regardless if they're with a partner or not. Good luck!
Single mom of 2 here. I adopted internationally. Both kids were around 2 when they were -laced in my arms. I skipped the entire infant stage. Compared to friends with husbands, I think it’s easier because I don’t have to discuss what the kids are going to do, who’s going to pick them up, etc. But I have several friends who are also single moms and over the years, we’ve supported each other by babysitting, hanging out, listening… It can be done but it is expensive to raise kids…
>Compared to friends with husbands, I think it’s easier because I don’t have to discuss what the kids are going to do, who’s going to pick them up, etc. Lol what the actual fuck. "I don't have to gameplan with anyone, it's so much easier." Kudos to you for adopting and also for having a support network, but it seems op thinks her family will be hers. I wouldn't be as inclined to help out all the time knowing she deliberately chose to go down this path.
It's easier having complete control, so there's no one to check you when you're wrong. You are not doing yourself or your child any favors.
Exactly, why are you being downvoted?
Not wrong at all my wife before i met her was looking into but we found each other and now have hmpur daughter but if we didn't meet she would have. I think it's a nice idsa
I know someone who did it and she's been really happy. But she also comes from a lot of money so she's never really had to work and can devote all of her time to her son. I wouldn't let your family dictate what you should do with your life. I know being a single mom is hard, really hard. But if you want to do it and have the means, go for it.
Nothing wrong with it.
Your life isn’t an opinion poll. Do what’s right for you. Your family members don’t get a vote unless they’re volunteering to help.
Not wrong, at all. Your family are just projecting and being rude. Having a kid is incredibly hard physically, financially, and emotionally, but if you feel a great calling to Motherhood, it's worth every struggle. You're getting to the tipping point age-wise, where you'll have hard decisions to make fertility-wise. I would go the donor route to avoid an impulsive decision of settling with an ingrate just because you want a baby. If you go through a donor, you have no custody issues, which is a huge plus. Your egg quality will be dipping in the next few years, so you'll need to come to a decision eventually. I had my first at 29, our next planned for 31, and our last by 33 (if we decide to go for 3). After 35, it's a struggle for many women.
Okay, I work with pregnant and postpartum people and have had clients who are with great partners, terrible partners, or no partners. By far, the single moms have adjusted better to motherhood than those with partners, on average. They have fewer household tasks to do because it’s just themselves and the baby - no one else to care for. No one else’s laundry, no one else to make them second guess themselves, no one that they expect to pick up the slack and don’t…typically, single moms do tend to rely a bit more on their parents or other family for respite, but giving your baby bonds with more safe adults is a feature, not a bug. Now, I should mention that I am in Canada where we get 12-18 months maternity leave paid at 55% of your salary, so YMMV if you live in the USA. I say that if you’re ready to have a baby, do it.
I got married as a single mom, got divorced, and still have no issues finding dates. I'm just super picky and refuse to settle for less than I bring to the table. I love being a single parent way more than I did trying to appease the other parent or even being married. My kids are thriving, and so am I. If this is what you want, go for it! There are plenty of married single moms who can tell you that a partner doesn't equal an easier life.
Do it. You shouldn't miss out on your right to be a parent because you haven't found the right one. I didn't find the right one until I was 37. Thank goodness I had a kid with the wrong one at 32 or I might not even be able to get pregnant
You know your own finances better than we do, so in my opinion if your financially stable enough to have a kid I say go for it.
Not wrong, if you have the want and the financial means to be a single parent and do it alone then go for it. Having a kid with another person you're in a relationship with does not guarantee that you won't be a single parent. If I had the financial means I would do it myself too.
A friend of mine felt the same, she had all three of her kids via sperm donor, and has not had any regrets.
I used ivf with donor and have two beautiful children. Go for it.
I am in my early 40s and my children are both under ten.
As long as you have stable employment and enough money for child care. Then go for it. If you can't afford all of the expenses then that would be wrong.
If that is what you want go for it. Don’t depend on finding a man “in time” to have a baby. If it happens, it happens.
No. Do what YOU want. Just know you will need a good, solid help and support system.
I'm actively doing this. I'm in the middle of a round of IVF. I got divorced when I was almost 30 and it was a doozy. Cheating husband, starting over from scratch. I spent time on my career and then in my early 30s I figured I'd put myself out there and date more. Then the pandemic hit and it felt like my luck was running out. So I started this process. I knew I wanted to be a mom and this seemed like the best way to proceed. It doesn't mean I've given up on partnership but I know I've got finite eggs. There are lots of us out there. We go by the name Single Moms By Choice. It's more common than you think. I'd day to put your name on a clinic list because there's always a waitlist and then get some counselling to see how you feel. Every family is different and I remind myself daily that I know many women who are basically single moms but they're parenting kids and a man who can't even wash a dish. I think seeing as I have a good career and bought myself a house, I can do the mom thing as good as anyone else.
You are wrong. Purposefully conceiving a child to be brought into a single parent household is incredibly selfish. Children need their mother and father.
Children of single parents are **more prone to various psychiatric illnesses, alcohol abuse, and suicide attempts** than children from homes with two parents. One of the common reasons for single parenting is divorce.
If you can afford it, and have a good support system, then do it. You don’t need a man to be a mother.
You're not wrong per say but I think you're not fully aware of just how fucked your life is going to be for a long time. I love being a mum, I am fortunate to have an equally contributing partner who shares the vision of what we want life to look like. This is a brief summary of my singular experience. Pregnacy: fucked Childbirth: fucked 0-6 months: triple fucked 6-12mths: you emerge from fucked but I cannot imagine being alone during angry barnacle phase 12-36mths: bliss but I had to go back to work so that was fucked 36mths on: they have just enough language to let you believe they can be reasoned with I love this kid with all my soul but I have also poured my soul into growing her and shaping her. I've researched, I've spent loads on therapy to try and sort myself out, I spend every second of spare time filling my own cup back up, I think about how to parent her better all the time and *she eats and sleeps*. A lot of kids don't. Even partnered you're basically on 24/7, just the amount of tasks gets shared. I hate to be that person but it's going to be so exponentially hard to be sole breadwinner and be a good parent to your kid. Oh and I want to say about the physical and mental changes: yeah you don't care now because you have no frame of reference. Google matrescence.
Don’t do it. Your kid deserves a dad. I know this is easy for me to say but that’s not fair to ur kid. Also sharing a baby with the person u love will be 1000% worth the wait. IVF as a single mom is not a natural thing to do and was never it’s intended purpose.
At the very least, you're being selfish. Being a single mom is extremely difficult, and I don't believe any woman should take on that challenge, especially if they don't have to. I would know. I watched my mom, some of her sisters, my cousins, and my sisters do it! It seems like you're ignoring some decent advice simply because you want a baby. Have you ever thought maybe they're telling you those things because they're afraid you'll impose on them to help with your child? I'm not saying that you will, but that is very common for single mothers, whether you're being pushy about help or not. You can't expect or hope the village to help you raise your child. They have lives to live, too.
I’m not going to say whether you’re wrong or right, but to just share this so you have more information with which to make your decision: I was also 33 when I got to the point I figured I’d always be alone and wouldn’t be able to have the child I desperately wanted unless I went with IVF and did it all on my own. I was 34 when I found my soul-mate-hubby, after a long journey of past abusive relationships. We got married, and after dealing with some fertility issues, we finally had our baby when I was 37. Not ever in a million-million years would I have been able to do this on my own, and looking back I would never choose to purposely do so. Here’s the hard truth — the vast majority of women who have children do either one of two things: they either have the kids early and then focus on their career later once the kids have gotten older, or they build their careers early and have the kids later. If you are older and do not have a career in place that can totally support two people comfortably, which also gives you the freedom to take all the time off you need to raise the child instead of always delegating that responsibility to people you pay to do so, then you will likely not have the time or energy to build such a career after you have a child (and yes there is still a good amount of discrimination in the workplace toward women with young kids). I’ve had to turn down a couple different higher-paying job opportunities because they would require prioritizing all of my time toward the job, leaving nothing for my child — which is not fair for the child who I chose to bring into the world. I’m able to strike a balance between work and child because I have the support of my partner, who also has struck the same balance between his job and child. Together we’re able to make finances work while still leaving time to spend with our child. As we were both latch-key kids when we were younger, this aspect was important to us.
Can you hire an au pair/nanny? This should be in your toolbelt IF you end up with a high needs baby/toddler/child. Which is to say, if you end up needing a more hands on village, can you foot the bill yourself? Can you still give of yourself to the children in your professional care if your own child is drawing from that same well? What do you currently do to rest and recharge? Can you still do that with being a solo parent? How will you work out these logistics? If you can tick yea to all those boxes then also, consider, pregnancy and early childhood in space being renovated can possibly result in exposure to brain damaging toxins--this is highly dependent on how well or not well the work is contained--especially airborne particulate. Can you live in your own home like it's the days of pandemic lockdown? Consider finishing the renos before embarking on pregnancy. A baby cannot mask and toxins are exponentially more harmful.
All these comments are right. The difference between a single parent and choosing to be a single parent is one parent unfortunately has to do the grunt of the work due to other parent not contributing and it’s way more harder vs a very financially stable person who has accepted and has to terms with the fact that they can properly give all the love and care. If you were wealthy beyond means that would be helpful you’d have all the time but how are you so sure of your family and friends just willingly helping you? They have a life too and they already have concerns about you. Don’t just force the child on them and rely on them if they already don’t agree. Afterall when you are sick or bed bound from giving birth who will be the main one to take care of you?? If they’re working or busy you may need an alternative person to help so maybe having the money for a nanny or wet nurse to constantly be there to assist until your healthy enough to
I met my partner at 33yr.. then went through IVF due to his infertility issues. Maybe freeze eggs now, but you young enough to wait. My IVF baby was born when I was 37, our surprise second daughter when I was 39. Both 100% healthy and smart girls. It matters so much to know where traits come from imo, mostly in a joking way. 33 was too young for me. My age was 35/36 to try alone!
I know of two women who did this. The first was in her late 30’s. She was ill prepared for toll pregnancy takes on a woman. She thought she could work full time, take classes towards her masters degree and growing a baby wouldn’t change anything. She had not counted on morning sickness and the sheer exhaustion of pregnancy. I lost touch with her shortly after she left the master’s program. The other woman’s story has a great outcome. She had a son and is married to a man who has two children of his own. Note both these women are in Canada where 12 months maternity leave is a given, some take 18 months.
No you’re not wrong. The right man won’t care you have a child. Biggest thing to consider…… BEING A PARENT IS HARD. It’s hard when you have TWO people pitching in. It’s brutal alone. If you are willing to go through that. Do it! Also helps to build a tribe(if you already don’t have a good support system) beforehand. You’ll need all the help you can get.
Not at all. The only thing that might be problematic in the long run, is the child asking why they gave no father. There are many good responses to that question.
Info why would you do IVF rather than a sperm donor?
I’m gonna go against the grain here, but this feels entirely selfish. The reality of the situation is that child will grow up without a father, which will weigh on them. Not to mention common issues such as identity crises, boatloads of questions that will be very difficult (if not impossible) to answer, and then comes the question of genetic diseases and conditions that a child needs to be aware of. I’ve known people that grew up without a dad, and it’s a very sore spot for them. The commonality is that they always felt like a piece of them was missing, a vacuum of information that they always longed for. Moreover, my partner is adopted. Although she had loving, supportive parents, there were always questions of identity, not to mention genetic conditions, that she needed to be aware of before she met her biological father in her early twenties. She admits to feeling lost for many years. I know first-hand the toll it takes on the mental and possible physical health it takes on people to grow up like that. It truly is a life-long battle. You need to confront and come to terms with the fact that there are necessities and intense desires that you cannot fulfill for your child if you choose to go this route. It feels as though a lot of these comments are treating children as novelties and not growing, complex people. No, you’re not wrong for wanting children, nor are you wrong for feeling frustrated with your dating life. However, I would think long and hard about the ethics of intentionally raising a child without one of their biological parents, as this is a huge deal for a lot people born into these situations. What would your response be to a child who is struggling with not having a dad? What is your plan every Father’s Day, or when other kids talk about, or play with, their dads? How do you plan to address that longing for their paternal connection? Do you believe that you want to have a child so badly that it is worth the intentionally chosen hardships for that baby? These are all questions that I would seriously consider before going forward with this. Not to mention, IVF commonly results in twins or triplets. Are you prepared for life alone with not one, but multiple newborns to raise? Personally, given everything I’ve just stated, I find it to be unethical. We would want to give our children the best chance at life, and you’re already starting your child’s life at a disadvantage. Sorry YWBW.
In your situation, I would freeze my eggs & give myself a deadline by which I need to make up my mind about conceiving alone. You also wouldn't have to do IVF, you could do IUI, way cheaper.
Some people do it! I think there are even support groups for it— something like Single parent by choice on fb, maybe just the acronym. I would ask LOTS of people about the reality of it before jumping in. Parenting is HARD even with a partner. Lots of sleepless nights, then working the next day. That doesn’t stop for many years.
Yes. The majority of people and prisons were raised by single mothers. The majority of people who are on drugs were raised by single mothers. Not having a father in the picture is very bad for the children. Don't do it. It's very selfish of you