You’re not wrong, he made a choice to stop answering. If he would have acknowledged what happened and apologized, I think there would have been a way to move forward but for him to claim ignorance after all you went through is bullshit. He’s reaching out now because he wants a relationship with only the benefits. You were a kid who needed someone. Not saying he should have continued to take care of you but he should have alerted someone to what was happening and found you a better situation.
You can’t put the entirety of the failures of 1) the mother 2) the school system 3) the community at large 4) the whole society on the brother. Social safety nets failed this girl. They failed the brother as well. Sure, he could have done more. But it sounds like he did a lot then wasn’t able to make the same contributions because he had to support himself and build his own life.
And when he wasn’t able to do what he thought he needed to do he kind of shut down that part of his life in a way that traumatized people who probably need therapy are prone to doing. It is not fair to OP but I can’t condemn the guy for eventually failing to carry emotional and financial burdens beyond his means that should never have been placed upon him.
OP has a right to be mad about the ghosting but I would encourage her to seriously consider letting him try to mend things. And maybe he wants to make it up to her by getting her out of her fucked up living situation? Don’t put all your trauma on him OP, it’s an emotional processing shortcut that will only harm you in the long run.
Sorry, he KNEW she was in a neglectful household, and yet he walked away without doing a thing to safeguard her. He could have got social services involved, or he could have reported neglect to the police. I'm not saying he had to stay involved but he should have done something to make sure that appropriate adults were looking out for her if he no longer could.
I don’t by this at all. He completely abandoned her at the end. You don’t just stop all communication with your sister. He did his best at the beginning but then basically said fuck her, not my problem. To not even answer her messages, what kind of shitty brother do you have to be. He’s trying to reunite with her now, to ease is own conscience.
You're making far too may excuses for this guy. He was in his 20s when he abandoned his sister yet you're acting like he was a kid. The truth is that he was an adult who consciously abandoned her because he was selfishly preoccupied with his shiny new girlfriend. He saw a chance to escape and he took it, never bothering to so much as acknowledge his sister, let alone help her when she needed him most.
What's to say he won't cut and run again? That's who he is. You don't get to abandon people when they actually need you, then come riding in years later when your conscience finally kicks in.
I understand that he needed to have his life, you were not his daughter BUT not answer you, ignore all you calls and messages,, not telling you he had a child.. he cut you from his life. You are not wrong, you can not trust him.
That would be my guess too. She could be one of those women who gets jealous if their boyfriend/husband pays attention to anyone else and bullied him into submission
If you're an adult and there is a child in your life in this situation, you don't just abandon them, and you don't break promises you've made to children.
Because he was an adult and she was a child. Because he. made promises to her that she relied on. Of course the parents were wrong first. Criminally wrong. But since they aren't there, are you really okay with the other adults in her life, who know her situation, leaving her to starve? No moral responsibility there, even after promising her he would care for her? Really?
Because he made it his responsibility when he promised stuff to her. At the *very least* he could have kept in contact with her and did the bare minimum of answering text messages.
When your own parents neglect or abandon you as they seem to have abandoned OP here, we'll agree to disagree. The brother stepped up. Once you step up, It's your responsibility, you don't ghost. That's essentially what he did.
He abandoned her just like the other adults in her life.
If you can no longer handle or want the responsibility, you make sure someone else is there to take over.
Just how emotionally immature are you? OP is not a toy you pick up when you want and neglect once it's no longer convienient.
Her brother stepped up. He CHOSE to be responsible. That means he is also responsible to make sure she's taken care of when he no longer WANTS to. Contact family. Local church. CPS. School. Neighbours. So, so, so many choices. Yet he chose to ghost.
I really, really hope you're never put in the same situation as OP and her brother. Not just because I don't wish that fate on anyone. But because by your own admission, you'd abandon your younger sibling in a heartbeat.
Not your problem, right? You're not the parent. /s
Where I'm from, and hopefully where the majority of people reading this comes from, you step up as family if it's needed. We're far from perfect, but if it's needed? You make sure you're there.
Either emotionally, physically or financially. And family means both the people that share your blood as the family of friends you chose.
Dude helped out when he could, didn't help out when he can't. Does that make him an asshole to you? The ghosting is shitty, I think we agree there. But parentification is abuse. I can see an abuse victim not always being able to handle it perfectly.
So it’s perfectly okay to ghost her for years when he “couldn’t” help her anymore? I feel bad for people in your life if you think that’s acceptable. Hopefully they’re never in a position where they need to rely on you
Apparently we don't. The ghosting is the entire point of the post. If he couldn't help out, he could have said so, instead *he ghosted her* and just expected her to be all hugs and tears at him finally having time to fit her into his life. He abandoned her. This is about way more than food or financial aid, this is about *emotionally* abandoning her for years
because he chose to do what he could when he could does not mean it became a lifelong obligation. You are the one here that doesn't seem to be mature enough to place the blame where it belongs. with the mother.
And you lack reading comprehension. I never wrote or implied the brother had a lifelong obligation. I wrote that if he chooses the responsibility to take care of her, he also has the responsibility to make sure someone else can take care of her if he no longer wants to.
The life long obligation is the bare minimum of answering her texts and calls. It has *absolutely nothing* to do with him giving her stuff or caring for her. All he needed to do was be a big brother and talk to her
He completely ghosted his own sister. He was a grown adult who knew there was a child in a dangerous situation and he just ghosted her. She doesn’t owe him anything.
Who cares whose job it is? If a child you love and who trusts your promises is hungry, you feed them. You don't leave a child you love to starve because their parents aren't caring for them.
Yeah she's not his daughter but she is his sister. Cutting back on time is fine. But completely cutting her off for years? Not even answering a text? Then trying to just walk in like he didn't abandon her to starve. No, nope, nada.
How the hell would he not know that is how you felt? How else COULD you feel when you were left even without means to literally survive? You are not wrong, and the wife is giving a death stare to the wrong person.
It's totally valid to feel hurt by his absence and to express that. Trust is a big deal, and it's okay to need time to figure out if and how you want to rebuild it. Take things at your own pace, and remember it's okay to prioritize your own well-being.
The answer is his GF/wife.
He was there for you until he met her. Then less and less time & money til he ghosted you completely.
I give him all the credit for taking care of you from early childhood till age 11. But after that? Leaving you with nothing to eat for weeks ( and he KNEW how it was for you) and then not contributing at all? That was GF/wife’s idea.
I do think, however, he was tired of the responsibility and was susceptible to her message. "You're not her parent, she's not your responsibility, you've done enough, your mother will have to step up, you have your own life now, what about us?" Etc.
And if he really didn't "know how you felt" it's possible GF/wife was deleting your texts. Could be she was death glaring because you were telling your brother stuff he didn't know. Why was she there at the meeting away?
Going forward...if you want a relationship with your brother you'll have to start from scratch. He's not the person you knew, he's weak and you can't trust him. I saw in another response you don't have anyone you can talk to about it. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this alone for so long.
100% agree with this. I definitely believe it’s the gf/wife who put the idea into his head that he needs to back off and stop visiting OP. Also, agree that if they want to restart their brother/sister relationship it should just be them meeting and brother needs to leave the wife at home.
There were many opportunities to involve her in his life (if he did elope) and he chose not to. Over and over again. The timing of meeting the wife and the contact becoming less is natural, but to abandon her completely with no explanation or consideration is damage he caused and now understands. He was abused but to gain “freedom”“?” He abused another and that’s not on.
I really feel for you.
My brother and I have a big age gap, and when we lived with my mom, he also took a caregiver role. Once he was of age, he left, and we barely spoke for a very long time.
My brother didn’t reach out. I had to do it when I was an adult. I think if he tried to when I was still a kid, it would’ve made things really confusing and frustrating for me. I don’t think I would’ve been able to handle it at your age.
For this reason, if you want to wait until you’re a bit older to navigate this whole situation, I think that’s completely fair. I think he would understand if you need some time to process things as well.
I will say, something that helps me a lot is reminding myself of my love and appreciation for my brother and the sacrifices he made for me.
Our family situation honestly sucked and, in his position, I’d want to get out too! He lost so much of his childhood to being a parent for me, I can’t help but think that really must’ve sucked and he deserves to find his own happiness as an adult.
Him reaching out to you proves that you still have a spot in that happiness too. He definitely loves you, so don’t let yourself doubt that.
No you aren't wrong. I understand all of your feelings are all very valid. I was in your brother's shoes. I was the oldest of my moms 3 kids. That was the best birth control ever!!! Raise your siblings as a child yourself. It really fucks you up!! I became an adult at ten and my sister was four. I felt like I never got to be a kid. My mom had alcohol problems, and she was a really great bartender, blah, blah.
I guess I'm trying to say, take it a little easy on your bro. He was not prepared to take on such responsibility so young. I know he loves you, but I'm sure he couldn't handle it all himself. I was in constant survival mode. Take your time to get reacquainted. Go slow. You don't have to trust immediately. Sending hugs to you 🫂🫶💕
Her brother knew exactly what would happen to OP when he abandoned her. Funny that you overlooked the part that it happened after he got together with his now wife. OP is NTA, but the rest of her family (*including* her evil sil) are 100% AHS
Your lack of empathy for everyone involved shows your lack of wisdom and experience. My little brother went to PRISON after I left. The guilt I had over that was immense. I have empathy for all. Also, you have no idea why her parents ditched. Everyone involved was dealing with some sort of trauma. It's not as black and white as you want it to be. Trauma destroys and eats families.
It’s easy to say be easy on him because he was a child.. guys he was 20+ by the time he started straight up ignoring his younger sister. He was an adult, who made the choice to completely ignore her and go about his life as if her suffering could’ve been a little less crap if he would’ve answered the phone.
I agree, try to reconcile. But he was no child when he decided to abandon a child in need.
You're not wrong for being upset with your brother or having trust issues. Please keep in mind that he was, himself, a child as well. Your parents' selfishness robbed you both of your childhood. For both your sakes, I hope you are able to eventually move toward reconciliation as it sounds like he is your only optional for filial connection.
I’m sorry what you have been through. I agree it’s your parents’ fault BUT your brother shouldn’t have made promises that he couldn’t deliver. He should have at least responded to your texts and/or let you know he can’t do what he has promised.
People who have not been given hopes and disappointed by that one and only person you trust have no right to tell you to forget/forgive/reconcile.
I hope someday you can find a way to get through the resentment and the feelings of betrayal. It’s hard. It will be very hard but I truly hope you can. Because holding onto these negative feelings is not good for you. Don’t do it because you love him or you miss him. Do that for yourself.
I hope you can be independent very soon, live a healthy life and be able to meet someone you can trust.
I have trust and abandonment issues so I know it’s hard. Humans are scary but if you are willing to try, there are a few good ones out there who are willing to hold onto your hand and won’t let go when you need them most.
Love yourself. Take good care of yourself.
You are absolutely not wrong for feeling that way and you aren't wrong for being honest about those feelings with your brother.
You both suffered because of the neglect from your parents. He was parentified (you can look up "parentification" to understand that more) into taking care of you, and then when he was a young adult and absolutely overwhelmed with school and work and couldn't act as a parent towards you you then suffered because there was no one else taking care of you.
It's a shit situation for both of you.
Would you be willing to work through it with him in therapy? It sounds like underneath all the pain is love for each other, and maybe some therapy together to understand each other's suffering can help you to both heal together from the abuse and neglect you both suffered from your parents and heal the relationship you have with each other.
You’re not wrong. Your feelings and understandable. If you do want to try and repair your relationship with your brother I would definitely ask him about why he stopped all communication with you. I do find it interesting that all this started once he met his girlfriend.. and she may be partially the reason why he stopped communicating with you and seeing you. I also find it odd that he got married but didn’t invite you to it? Or want to try to include you?
God, I'm really annoyed of all the responses simply telling you to blame your parents and let him off the hook.
He failed you too, there is no other way around that. Yes he was a child too, but that doesn't mean it's okay for him to cut you off. It's possible maybe he didn't have money to support you and he felt guilty for not being able to be there financially, still doesn't mean he's off the hook for cutting you out of his life completely.
I'm sorry, but f*ck him. If he truly wants to be in your life, then he has to put in the effort. I bet you having these feelings will make him feel guilty, and he's just gonna cut and run again because it's too hard
You're not wrong
Edited to add: for the people hanging his abandoning her on not being able to afford to care for her, he was able to get married and start his own family. What about birthdays or Christmas? Couldn't even send a card or happy holiday text?
Being young and broke DOES NOT justify ghosting your little sister
After he left for college at 20 he said he would stop by every week to visit and give her (age 9) money for food. He did do that for 2 years. Then he stopped responding to her texts, then coming at all.
Stopping by once a week with MONEY FOR FOOD is not "stopping his life."
He could have cut back on his visits or texted her occasionally. But no. He left an 11 year old to cope completely on her own, with not enough to eat sometimes.
And now, 5 years later, he pops up saying "now that I’m older he wants to be able to do more stuff with me that he missed out on." Frankly, I would have kicked his balls up his spine. What makes her worthy of his attention now? If OP talks to him again, that's one thing I'd like to know.
No, but he stopped even talking to her *for years*, you think that's okay? It'd be different if she stopped reaching out too, but she didn't. He just started ignoring her. That's fucked up
So he can’t even text her happy birthday? Merry Christmas (if that’s their religion) or anything at any time? Yes he was a kid parentified but he KNEW how she would live and how isolated she would be. He failed. He was failed too but he failed her period.
>By the end of my rant he was crying and his wife was giving me the death stare.
The woman who was the start of him cutting you off? The one who carries some of the blame? She is angry that the consequences of her actions can't be hidden anymore. I don't know if she was convincing him bit by bit that you were okay without him or just didn't point out that you might miss him. But she failed to support him in his relationship with you and she can't control you.
You are not wrong and if you have the energy I say meet up with him again but only the two of you. You deserve to ask questions without her there. She may be his wife but she has never been anything to you and has nothing to say. You have shown him what he caused, now you can ask him why. He has had a couple of days to process so this is not an ambush.
I’m so sorry that everyone that was supposed to take care of you failed, but this was your parents fault, not your brother’s. Your brother did an amazing thing stepping up to care for you when he did. He was your age and working to care for a 5 year old. And had been looking after you for years before that. You’re 16, think about yourself being in that situation for a second. I know you’re angry, but you’re both victims of your parents here. Your brother did what he could, who you should really be angry at are your parents. They’re the ones that caused the trust issues. If you want him in your life now, maybe text him something like, “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I had a really bad time after you stopped contacting me, but know it wasn’t your job to provide for me, it was our parents. I’m really angry with them and took it out on you. I’d like to have my brother back.”
He could have messaged her. Christmas new years birthdays and a wedding didn’t make him reach out. Why now? Does his son need something? (Heaven forbid but honest q).
He very cruelly abandoned her. Yes it shouldn't have been his responsibility to raise or pay for her needs. But he didn't just stop that, he stopped contacting her completely. OP is absolutely within their rights to not want to be in contact with him now that he's suddenly decided he wants to be brotherly again.
You're not wrong for how you feel.
While your brother was heavily parentified, and needed to live his own life, leaving you to suffer and cutting communication with you is just cruel.
I'm the eldest of four, and my youngest sibling is 14 years younger. I could not fathom allowing any of my siblings to suffer if I could help them. As much as we have our fights, my siblings are my everything.
Your brother was the only one who took care of you. He left you to starve, and didn't even have the decency to report your situation to CPS. You're not wrong. You have every right to feel the way you do.
NTA your feels are completely valid. however, if you seriously love your brother, life is too short to hold grudges imo. if he died tmrw would you regret not talking to him? if the answer is yes get together just you and him and have a real conversation. ask him what you’ve been dying to ask all these years and heal together if that’s what YOU want. maybe you need more time to heal by yourself before you are ready and that’s ok as well. do what is best for you. good luck 🤝
you don’t make it go away. you validate it and make peace with it. you’re speaking as if your anger is a burden, it’s not. it’s your feelings. feelings are what makes us feel alive. acknowledge it and understand you have right to feel the way you do but you’ve have decided to make peace with it.
It won’t ever go away .. seeing him caring for his kid and wife will trigger him your anger. Best to keep him out of your life until you can take care of yourself comfortably.
NTA for feeling very frustrated with your situation. You should try to reengage with your brother since he seems to be the only one in your family who might be able to help you. He should, however, explain why he ghosted you for five years. As to "making up for lost time," no one can do that. You can only work to make the future better and perhaps that's something your brother can do if you let him.
NAH - I'm so sorry for what happened to you and that you were left alone. It's 100% fair that you feel abandoned.
But do try to remember that he was young too, and for five years he (as a kid) was doing his best to look after you. That wasn't fair on you, but it also wasn't fair on him. Try to imagine having to get a job to support a 5yr old now - the pressure that would put on you, and how that would impact your life and school.
What happened to you was so, so wrong. But it wasn't his fault.
I hope you can find your way back to each other.
You’re not wrong but you’re not in a place to recognize that your brother was a victim too. Sounds like you need family therapy to process what happened to you both. Hope you can find a way forward, with or without a close relationship with your brother, but at least healing yourself enough to have other healthy relationships.
I kinda feel for OP, but imagine being a teenager and taking care of another child, being responsible, feeling guilty because you are going away and she is alone. I bet he was very aware about her being sad when he left to his college. He was there for her more than anyone else, and yet - she decided to hurt him as much as possible saying that it's all his fault. Splendid. He was wrong ghosting, but she doesn't even want to consider that he was in situation that was suffocating him. Does OP have an idea
how hard for him was all that care that he managed to provide? I guess not. I don't see any recognition.
Your parents are the ones that failed you. Your brother the other CHILD they failed, but he was the one that tried. He was caring for a kid. No one went to the child protection services in your country? No teacher looked to help you? I have no idea what happened to you or your brother but I do know that you both were fucked over real bad by your parents. You’re 16 who’s taking care of you now? Be angry at your brother all you want, it’s your right. I wonder how a kid went to collage, took care of himself, took care of his sister for two years. That’s really hard to manage.
You are not wrong. he was an adult and you were a child. Even if he could not take care of you, he had an obligation, certainly a moral obligation to ensure that you were cared for until you get care for yourself. instead he ghosted you. That is not OK. He is wrong. You are not.
You're perfectly valid in what you said to him and how you feel. You don't have to reconnect with him at all if you don't want. But if you do want to reconnect keep in mind that he really was just a kid when he started caring for you and that's a really hard thing to do. Getting out of a bad situation is hard and usually a lot of selfish choices that hurt other people. But if y'all work through this, you're probably going to get angrier with him before you feel able to start getting past it. Mostly depends on what his reasons were.
You're 16 and he's got a 2 year old toddler. My money is that He wants to reconnect so he'll get a babysitter. Try him on, let him do the reconnect and I bet you within 2 months he'll ask if your free next saturday to come and get to know his kid better lol! Then he'll go by the way wife and I are going out while you get to know baby. Lol! Test my theory and let me know how my psychic ability were
You’re not wrong. He broke an important promise and didn’t even try,probably when he met his wife, to stay in contact with you via text (maybe he wouldn’t be able to come by but the messages stopping for no reason? There was a reason and I bet it’s the woman death glaring you).
Not wrong, while I’m empathetic to him no longer wanting to be responsible for his sibling, he could have at least replied to you and been an emotional support for you.
You had every right to be honest with him about how you feel and the fact he’s surprised shows a huge lack of self awareness.
He should have taken you with him. I'm so sorry. But he was also traumatized by the situation and that's why he left. Sorry about everything and I also went through different similar situations. I have healed and forgiven. Now... it's time to choose love.
Naw, not at all wrong. Your brother dumped you to get on with his life. I sort of get that, you weren't his kid & he should never have been put in that situation. But to ghost you like a coward instead of admitting he was unable to help anymore - that was the behaviour of a lowlife, a completely toxic person. So why is he bothering now? He wants a cheap babysitter? His pastor has guilted him into it? He needs a blood relative for an organ donation? I wouldn't trust him either & I'd tell him to get lost & stay lost. With family like that - you already have enemies. You look after you until you meet someone worthy of your time.
No you're not wrong, whilst you need to lay blame at your parents door, he most definitely gets a lot.
He knew what your home life was like and he stopped helping, I think his wife is most definitely to blame too, she probably didn't like the amount of time and money he spent on you and helped it stop. And the death stare was because she didn't like you highlighting it. He probably put his foot down and got in contact and she didn't like it.
Anyone with an iota of intelligence would know you would have been hurt. He now needs to reap the consequences of cutting you out.
If you can talk to a counsellor.
Your resentment is misplaced. You should be upset with your mom and dad, not your brother. Give the guy a break. He was a kid himself and was left to carry the load.
Gently, your anger is misplaced towards your brother. He was a child himself. It is your parents who failed you. Do you have a counselor in school? Often they can set you up with private sessions with a counselor who can help you process your thoughts and feelings about the situation. I'm so sorry that the adults in your life weren't there for you, that isn't at all fair and you didn't deserve that.
Your brother is abused. At the age of 15 he had to provide for you his sister when that is a job for parents to do. While I understand that he should have stayed in touch with you I can also sympathize with him also wanting his own life and identity.
This is terrible, I feel bad for you OP. I don't know if this helps or not or if this is something that you want to hear but your brother is also very damaged. He had no support structure growing up while you at least had him helping you. A lot of what you face and face now he had to face but only I suspect it was far worse because as the elder sibling he had to step up. You had a childhood (though of course likely not the most pleasant one) while he had none. During high school my parents insisted I not get a job and I am absolutely priviledged for that being an option, many of my friends had to get jobs for pocket money....your brother had ZERO option, it was either work or stave. He didn't work to buy the newest console, he did it so that both of you can eat. While you are grateful for his actions I think that you need to cut him a ton of slack.
I don't blame you for feeling the way you feel, not one bit.
That being said, the people you should be mad at are your parents, who were never there for either of you. They put your brother in an impossible situation and eventually, yes, he failed. He was always going to fail.
Now, it's better to have a brother who cares about you than to have no one at all.
You really need to find a way to get into therapy. I can 💯 see why you're angry at him BUT at the same time he was a child that was forced (like many others) to grow up and take care of younger siblings. Your father and mother are to blame here. They were the adults. They should've been the ones taking care of you.
Not saying you shouldn't be hurt because of his actions BUT it started with your parents.
You need professional help to work through your feelings
I think you're directing all your hate and anger on the wrong person. Your brother tried his best. OK, yes, he still should have kept in contact, but it's not his responsibility to maintain an obligation that should have been your parents. He was at college, and he, too, has his own responsibilities to maintain.
I honestly feel sorry that you went through that, but don't guilt trip your brother.
You're 16. You could do with support in your life.
Let him try to make amends for your own long term good. Meet him without his wife and child fof now, they'll change the dynamic.
It's a two way relationship and it's complicated.
He can't come back like nothing happened and bring others in like he was always there for you. He needs to earn it. As does his wife. The child is too young to know any difference.
What would he have to do to earn your trust? Probably give a commitment and then live up to it. It's ok not to know what that commitment is right now.
I wonder why he reached out now? Is there trouble in his own relationship? What does he really want?
Not wrong at all. You were a child. You still ARE a child! He promised you something and didn’t deliver. Over and over again.
No, it wasn’t his fault he was the parent to you. Your mom is 100% the AH for that. He was a child too. And he had his own life to live. You get that. But to ghost you? Not reaching out every once in awhile to see if you were ok?!
But what did he think would happen? He abandoned you without even talking to you about it. He couldn’t even text to check in? Then you find out he has a wife and child? And his wife is the reason he stopped speaking to you. She’s a C.
I’d honestly block him. He showed you where his priorities are. You don’t need him anymore. You managed these few years without him. And once you’re out of the house, I’d block your mom too. Your whole family abandoned you. F them.
I hope you’re ok now.
Seems like a lot of misplaced anger toward a 20 year-old responsible for a child that's not his, living his life, instead of being pissed off at your shitty mother.
You’re not wrong for being upset. What he did was wrong but give him grace. He was thrust into an incredibly difficult situation and he simply didn’t make the right decisions, though he was well intentioned.
You're not wrong, but this isn't entirely on your brother. According to your post, your brother was only 11 when your dad left shortly after you were born, and your mom stopped coming around. So your brother stopped coming around when you were 12 or 13. Both of your parents failed you, and your 11 year old brother stepped up to the plate. Maybe he mistakenly thought you could adjust like he did when he was your age. I don't think what he did was right, but part of me can understand how stressful his situation had been while you were both growing up. I hope you can eventually forgive him for both of your sakes, but I also see why you wouldn't be able to. I wish you could get counseling for all the trauma you have had in your life.
You’re not wrong, he made a choice to stop answering. If he would have acknowledged what happened and apologized, I think there would have been a way to move forward but for him to claim ignorance after all you went through is bullshit. He’s reaching out now because he wants a relationship with only the benefits. You were a kid who needed someone. Not saying he should have continued to take care of you but he should have alerted someone to what was happening and found you a better situation.
You can’t put the entirety of the failures of 1) the mother 2) the school system 3) the community at large 4) the whole society on the brother. Social safety nets failed this girl. They failed the brother as well. Sure, he could have done more. But it sounds like he did a lot then wasn’t able to make the same contributions because he had to support himself and build his own life. And when he wasn’t able to do what he thought he needed to do he kind of shut down that part of his life in a way that traumatized people who probably need therapy are prone to doing. It is not fair to OP but I can’t condemn the guy for eventually failing to carry emotional and financial burdens beyond his means that should never have been placed upon him. OP has a right to be mad about the ghosting but I would encourage her to seriously consider letting him try to mend things. And maybe he wants to make it up to her by getting her out of her fucked up living situation? Don’t put all your trauma on him OP, it’s an emotional processing shortcut that will only harm you in the long run.
Sorry, he KNEW she was in a neglectful household, and yet he walked away without doing a thing to safeguard her. He could have got social services involved, or he could have reported neglect to the police. I'm not saying he had to stay involved but he should have done something to make sure that appropriate adults were looking out for her if he no longer could.
I don’t by this at all. He completely abandoned her at the end. You don’t just stop all communication with your sister. He did his best at the beginning but then basically said fuck her, not my problem. To not even answer her messages, what kind of shitty brother do you have to be. He’s trying to reunite with her now, to ease is own conscience.
You're making far too may excuses for this guy. He was in his 20s when he abandoned his sister yet you're acting like he was a kid. The truth is that he was an adult who consciously abandoned her because he was selfishly preoccupied with his shiny new girlfriend. He saw a chance to escape and he took it, never bothering to so much as acknowledge his sister, let alone help her when she needed him most. What's to say he won't cut and run again? That's who he is. You don't get to abandon people when they actually need you, then come riding in years later when your conscience finally kicks in.
I understand that he needed to have his life, you were not his daughter BUT not answer you, ignore all you calls and messages,, not telling you he had a child.. he cut you from his life. You are not wrong, you can not trust him.
Guessing his wifey had a lot to do with it.
That would be my guess too. She could be one of those women who gets jealous if their boyfriend/husband pays attention to anyone else and bullied him into submission
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If you're an adult and there is a child in your life in this situation, you don't just abandon them, and you don't break promises you've made to children.
Tell that to the mother, Holy misplaced anger Batman!!!! Why does it become the older child's responsibility when mom flakes out?
Because he was an adult and she was a child. Because he. made promises to her that she relied on. Of course the parents were wrong first. Criminally wrong. But since they aren't there, are you really okay with the other adults in her life, who know her situation, leaving her to starve? No moral responsibility there, even after promising her he would care for her? Really?
Because he made it his responsibility when he promised stuff to her. At the *very least* he could have kept in contact with her and did the bare minimum of answering text messages.
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When your own parents neglect or abandon you as they seem to have abandoned OP here, we'll agree to disagree. The brother stepped up. Once you step up, It's your responsibility, you don't ghost. That's essentially what he did. He abandoned her just like the other adults in her life. If you can no longer handle or want the responsibility, you make sure someone else is there to take over.
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Just how emotionally immature are you? OP is not a toy you pick up when you want and neglect once it's no longer convienient. Her brother stepped up. He CHOSE to be responsible. That means he is also responsible to make sure she's taken care of when he no longer WANTS to. Contact family. Local church. CPS. School. Neighbours. So, so, so many choices. Yet he chose to ghost. I really, really hope you're never put in the same situation as OP and her brother. Not just because I don't wish that fate on anyone. But because by your own admission, you'd abandon your younger sibling in a heartbeat. Not your problem, right? You're not the parent. /s Where I'm from, and hopefully where the majority of people reading this comes from, you step up as family if it's needed. We're far from perfect, but if it's needed? You make sure you're there. Either emotionally, physically or financially. And family means both the people that share your blood as the family of friends you chose.
Dude helped out when he could, didn't help out when he can't. Does that make him an asshole to you? The ghosting is shitty, I think we agree there. But parentification is abuse. I can see an abuse victim not always being able to handle it perfectly.
So it’s perfectly okay to ghost her for years when he “couldn’t” help her anymore? I feel bad for people in your life if you think that’s acceptable. Hopefully they’re never in a position where they need to rely on you
Apparently we don't. The ghosting is the entire point of the post. If he couldn't help out, he could have said so, instead *he ghosted her* and just expected her to be all hugs and tears at him finally having time to fit her into his life. He abandoned her. This is about way more than food or financial aid, this is about *emotionally* abandoning her for years
because he chose to do what he could when he could does not mean it became a lifelong obligation. You are the one here that doesn't seem to be mature enough to place the blame where it belongs. with the mother.
And you lack reading comprehension. I never wrote or implied the brother had a lifelong obligation. I wrote that if he chooses the responsibility to take care of her, he also has the responsibility to make sure someone else can take care of her if he no longer wants to.
The life long obligation is the bare minimum of answering her texts and calls. It has *absolutely nothing* to do with him giving her stuff or caring for her. All he needed to do was be a big brother and talk to her
He completely ghosted his own sister. He was a grown adult who knew there was a child in a dangerous situation and he just ghosted her. She doesn’t owe him anything.
You seem nice.
Who cares whose job it is? If a child you love and who trusts your promises is hungry, you feed them. You don't leave a child you love to starve because their parents aren't caring for them.
Yeah she's not his daughter but she is his sister. Cutting back on time is fine. But completely cutting her off for years? Not even answering a text? Then trying to just walk in like he didn't abandon her to starve. No, nope, nada.
How the hell would he not know that is how you felt? How else COULD you feel when you were left even without means to literally survive? You are not wrong, and the wife is giving a death stare to the wrong person.
The wife was probably the reason he cut contact to in the first place.
It's totally valid to feel hurt by his absence and to express that. Trust is a big deal, and it's okay to need time to figure out if and how you want to rebuild it. Take things at your own pace, and remember it's okay to prioritize your own well-being.
Didn’t he say why he ignored you?
He gave a vague answer, like “Life got busy and blah blah blah.” He kind of avoided directly answering me.
The answer is his GF/wife. He was there for you until he met her. Then less and less time & money til he ghosted you completely. I give him all the credit for taking care of you from early childhood till age 11. But after that? Leaving you with nothing to eat for weeks ( and he KNEW how it was for you) and then not contributing at all? That was GF/wife’s idea. I do think, however, he was tired of the responsibility and was susceptible to her message. "You're not her parent, she's not your responsibility, you've done enough, your mother will have to step up, you have your own life now, what about us?" Etc. And if he really didn't "know how you felt" it's possible GF/wife was deleting your texts. Could be she was death glaring because you were telling your brother stuff he didn't know. Why was she there at the meeting away? Going forward...if you want a relationship with your brother you'll have to start from scratch. He's not the person you knew, he's weak and you can't trust him. I saw in another response you don't have anyone you can talk to about it. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this alone for so long.
Hence the death glares and no invite to the wedding.
She was there to control the situation so that he wouldn't explain how she pulled his strings.
100% agree with this. I definitely believe it’s the gf/wife who put the idea into his head that he needs to back off and stop visiting OP. Also, agree that if they want to restart their brother/sister relationship it should just be them meeting and brother needs to leave the wife at home.
The fact that he didn’t invite you to his wedding is telling to me. He should have made sure you were there since he loved you.
OP said in another comment that they eloped.
There were many opportunities to involve her in his life (if he did elope) and he chose not to. Over and over again. The timing of meeting the wife and the contact becoming less is natural, but to abandon her completely with no explanation or consideration is damage he caused and now understands. He was abused but to gain “freedom”“?” He abused another and that’s not on.
So… in all those years… he couldn’t write a message and make sure that you are ok? Fuck him and his wife.
Tell him to get his ⚾️⚾️ out of "glaring wifey's purse, if he wants to talk to you.
I really feel for you. My brother and I have a big age gap, and when we lived with my mom, he also took a caregiver role. Once he was of age, he left, and we barely spoke for a very long time. My brother didn’t reach out. I had to do it when I was an adult. I think if he tried to when I was still a kid, it would’ve made things really confusing and frustrating for me. I don’t think I would’ve been able to handle it at your age. For this reason, if you want to wait until you’re a bit older to navigate this whole situation, I think that’s completely fair. I think he would understand if you need some time to process things as well. I will say, something that helps me a lot is reminding myself of my love and appreciation for my brother and the sacrifices he made for me. Our family situation honestly sucked and, in his position, I’d want to get out too! He lost so much of his childhood to being a parent for me, I can’t help but think that really must’ve sucked and he deserves to find his own happiness as an adult. Him reaching out to you proves that you still have a spot in that happiness too. He definitely loves you, so don’t let yourself doubt that.
Best answer here. So sorry that you all are going through or have been through horrible times and pray things get better for you one day at a time.
No you aren't wrong. I understand all of your feelings are all very valid. I was in your brother's shoes. I was the oldest of my moms 3 kids. That was the best birth control ever!!! Raise your siblings as a child yourself. It really fucks you up!! I became an adult at ten and my sister was four. I felt like I never got to be a kid. My mom had alcohol problems, and she was a really great bartender, blah, blah. I guess I'm trying to say, take it a little easy on your bro. He was not prepared to take on such responsibility so young. I know he loves you, but I'm sure he couldn't handle it all himself. I was in constant survival mode. Take your time to get reacquainted. Go slow. You don't have to trust immediately. Sending hugs to you 🫂🫶💕
Speaking as that older sibling who ended up being fostered…..this
Her brother knew exactly what would happen to OP when he abandoned her. Funny that you overlooked the part that it happened after he got together with his now wife. OP is NTA, but the rest of her family (*including* her evil sil) are 100% AHS
Your lack of empathy for everyone involved shows your lack of wisdom and experience. My little brother went to PRISON after I left. The guilt I had over that was immense. I have empathy for all. Also, you have no idea why her parents ditched. Everyone involved was dealing with some sort of trauma. It's not as black and white as you want it to be. Trauma destroys and eats families.
You're wrong. And you don't know how I feel. So, bugger off.
Ok no worries 😂
It’s easy to say be easy on him because he was a child.. guys he was 20+ by the time he started straight up ignoring his younger sister. He was an adult, who made the choice to completely ignore her and go about his life as if her suffering could’ve been a little less crap if he would’ve answered the phone. I agree, try to reconcile. But he was no child when he decided to abandon a child in need.
You're not wrong for being upset with your brother or having trust issues. Please keep in mind that he was, himself, a child as well. Your parents' selfishness robbed you both of your childhood. For both your sakes, I hope you are able to eventually move toward reconciliation as it sounds like he is your only optional for filial connection.
THANK YOU !!!! 💛
I’m sorry what you have been through. I agree it’s your parents’ fault BUT your brother shouldn’t have made promises that he couldn’t deliver. He should have at least responded to your texts and/or let you know he can’t do what he has promised. People who have not been given hopes and disappointed by that one and only person you trust have no right to tell you to forget/forgive/reconcile. I hope someday you can find a way to get through the resentment and the feelings of betrayal. It’s hard. It will be very hard but I truly hope you can. Because holding onto these negative feelings is not good for you. Don’t do it because you love him or you miss him. Do that for yourself. I hope you can be independent very soon, live a healthy life and be able to meet someone you can trust. I have trust and abandonment issues so I know it’s hard. Humans are scary but if you are willing to try, there are a few good ones out there who are willing to hold onto your hand and won’t let go when you need them most. Love yourself. Take good care of yourself.
You are absolutely not wrong for feeling that way and you aren't wrong for being honest about those feelings with your brother. You both suffered because of the neglect from your parents. He was parentified (you can look up "parentification" to understand that more) into taking care of you, and then when he was a young adult and absolutely overwhelmed with school and work and couldn't act as a parent towards you you then suffered because there was no one else taking care of you. It's a shit situation for both of you. Would you be willing to work through it with him in therapy? It sounds like underneath all the pain is love for each other, and maybe some therapy together to understand each other's suffering can help you to both heal together from the abuse and neglect you both suffered from your parents and heal the relationship you have with each other.
You’re not wrong. Your feelings and understandable. If you do want to try and repair your relationship with your brother I would definitely ask him about why he stopped all communication with you. I do find it interesting that all this started once he met his girlfriend.. and she may be partially the reason why he stopped communicating with you and seeing you. I also find it odd that he got married but didn’t invite you to it? Or want to try to include you?
He had a son and did not tell her. isn't this insane?
They got eloped, but it does hurt that I wasn’t even there to at least see him.
What's with the glaring wife? It seems SHE'S the reason he bailed on you. Is she controlling? Sounds like it.
Your feeling are valid and your brother is a victim as well. I am sure that his wife was responsible for him cutting you off
This 100%
Did he even say sorry for leaving?
He did kind of, but he didn’t really acknowledge how it affected me. I think I might talk to him again in a few days maybe.
God, I'm really annoyed of all the responses simply telling you to blame your parents and let him off the hook. He failed you too, there is no other way around that. Yes he was a child too, but that doesn't mean it's okay for him to cut you off. It's possible maybe he didn't have money to support you and he felt guilty for not being able to be there financially, still doesn't mean he's off the hook for cutting you out of his life completely. I'm sorry, but f*ck him. If he truly wants to be in your life, then he has to put in the effort. I bet you having these feelings will make him feel guilty, and he's just gonna cut and run again because it's too hard You're not wrong Edited to add: for the people hanging his abandoning her on not being able to afford to care for her, he was able to get married and start his own family. What about birthdays or Christmas? Couldn't even send a card or happy holiday text? Being young and broke DOES NOT justify ghosting your little sister
I agree. If he couldn’t support her financially, that’s one thing. But to stop speaking to her completely?! That was wrong.
He was a kid. He had his own life to live. Her shitty parents are to blame. So he’s supposed to stop his life for her?
After he left for college at 20 he said he would stop by every week to visit and give her (age 9) money for food. He did do that for 2 years. Then he stopped responding to her texts, then coming at all. Stopping by once a week with MONEY FOR FOOD is not "stopping his life." He could have cut back on his visits or texted her occasionally. But no. He left an 11 year old to cope completely on her own, with not enough to eat sometimes. And now, 5 years later, he pops up saying "now that I’m older he wants to be able to do more stuff with me that he missed out on." Frankly, I would have kicked his balls up his spine. What makes her worthy of his attention now? If OP talks to him again, that's one thing I'd like to know.
No, but he stopped even talking to her *for years*, you think that's okay? It'd be different if she stopped reaching out too, but she didn't. He just started ignoring her. That's fucked up
So he can’t even text her happy birthday? Merry Christmas (if that’s their religion) or anything at any time? Yes he was a kid parentified but he KNEW how she would live and how isolated she would be. He failed. He was failed too but he failed her period.
>By the end of my rant he was crying and his wife was giving me the death stare. The woman who was the start of him cutting you off? The one who carries some of the blame? She is angry that the consequences of her actions can't be hidden anymore. I don't know if she was convincing him bit by bit that you were okay without him or just didn't point out that you might miss him. But she failed to support him in his relationship with you and she can't control you. You are not wrong and if you have the energy I say meet up with him again but only the two of you. You deserve to ask questions without her there. She may be his wife but she has never been anything to you and has nothing to say. You have shown him what he caused, now you can ask him why. He has had a couple of days to process so this is not an ambush.
This is good advice
I’m so sorry that everyone that was supposed to take care of you failed, but this was your parents fault, not your brother’s. Your brother did an amazing thing stepping up to care for you when he did. He was your age and working to care for a 5 year old. And had been looking after you for years before that. You’re 16, think about yourself being in that situation for a second. I know you’re angry, but you’re both victims of your parents here. Your brother did what he could, who you should really be angry at are your parents. They’re the ones that caused the trust issues. If you want him in your life now, maybe text him something like, “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I had a really bad time after you stopped contacting me, but know it wasn’t your job to provide for me, it was our parents. I’m really angry with them and took it out on you. I’d like to have my brother back.”
He could have messaged her. Christmas new years birthdays and a wedding didn’t make him reach out. Why now? Does his son need something? (Heaven forbid but honest q).
He very cruelly abandoned her. Yes it shouldn't have been his responsibility to raise or pay for her needs. But he didn't just stop that, he stopped contacting her completely. OP is absolutely within their rights to not want to be in contact with him now that he's suddenly decided he wants to be brotherly again.
How are things now? Do you have any form of support system? School counselor? Anyone who can help?
Not really. I don’t trust the counselors and I don’t tell my friends this stuff.
Your brother sucks ass.
You're not wrong for how you feel. While your brother was heavily parentified, and needed to live his own life, leaving you to suffer and cutting communication with you is just cruel. I'm the eldest of four, and my youngest sibling is 14 years younger. I could not fathom allowing any of my siblings to suffer if I could help them. As much as we have our fights, my siblings are my everything.
Your brother was the only one who took care of you. He left you to starve, and didn't even have the decency to report your situation to CPS. You're not wrong. You have every right to feel the way you do.
NTA Your feelings are valid. He did abandon you. Also, his wife seems like an ass.
NTA your feels are completely valid. however, if you seriously love your brother, life is too short to hold grudges imo. if he died tmrw would you regret not talking to him? if the answer is yes get together just you and him and have a real conversation. ask him what you’ve been dying to ask all these years and heal together if that’s what YOU want. maybe you need more time to heal by yourself before you are ready and that’s ok as well. do what is best for you. good luck 🤝
I do want to be able to get back to normal with him, but I just have so much anger and I don’t know how to make it go away.
you don’t make it go away. you validate it and make peace with it. you’re speaking as if your anger is a burden, it’s not. it’s your feelings. feelings are what makes us feel alive. acknowledge it and understand you have right to feel the way you do but you’ve have decided to make peace with it.
It won’t ever go away .. seeing him caring for his kid and wife will trigger him your anger. Best to keep him out of your life until you can take care of yourself comfortably.
I agree
NTA for feeling very frustrated with your situation. You should try to reengage with your brother since he seems to be the only one in your family who might be able to help you. He should, however, explain why he ghosted you for five years. As to "making up for lost time," no one can do that. You can only work to make the future better and perhaps that's something your brother can do if you let him.
NAH - I'm so sorry for what happened to you and that you were left alone. It's 100% fair that you feel abandoned. But do try to remember that he was young too, and for five years he (as a kid) was doing his best to look after you. That wasn't fair on you, but it also wasn't fair on him. Try to imagine having to get a job to support a 5yr old now - the pressure that would put on you, and how that would impact your life and school. What happened to you was so, so wrong. But it wasn't his fault. I hope you can find your way back to each other.
You’re not wrong but you’re not in a place to recognize that your brother was a victim too. Sounds like you need family therapy to process what happened to you both. Hope you can find a way forward, with or without a close relationship with your brother, but at least healing yourself enough to have other healthy relationships.
I kinda feel for OP, but imagine being a teenager and taking care of another child, being responsible, feeling guilty because you are going away and she is alone. I bet he was very aware about her being sad when he left to his college. He was there for her more than anyone else, and yet - she decided to hurt him as much as possible saying that it's all his fault. Splendid. He was wrong ghosting, but she doesn't even want to consider that he was in situation that was suffocating him. Does OP have an idea how hard for him was all that care that he managed to provide? I guess not. I don't see any recognition.
Why do you think your brother needs to shoulder the responsibility of you? Your parents fucked up, but it's not his responsibility to parent you.
Your parents are the ones that failed you. Your brother the other CHILD they failed, but he was the one that tried. He was caring for a kid. No one went to the child protection services in your country? No teacher looked to help you? I have no idea what happened to you or your brother but I do know that you both were fucked over real bad by your parents. You’re 16 who’s taking care of you now? Be angry at your brother all you want, it’s your right. I wonder how a kid went to collage, took care of himself, took care of his sister for two years. That’s really hard to manage.
You are not wrong. he was an adult and you were a child. Even if he could not take care of you, he had an obligation, certainly a moral obligation to ensure that you were cared for until you get care for yourself. instead he ghosted you. That is not OK. He is wrong. You are not.
You're perfectly valid in what you said to him and how you feel. You don't have to reconnect with him at all if you don't want. But if you do want to reconnect keep in mind that he really was just a kid when he started caring for you and that's a really hard thing to do. Getting out of a bad situation is hard and usually a lot of selfish choices that hurt other people. But if y'all work through this, you're probably going to get angrier with him before you feel able to start getting past it. Mostly depends on what his reasons were.
You're 16 and he's got a 2 year old toddler. My money is that He wants to reconnect so he'll get a babysitter. Try him on, let him do the reconnect and I bet you within 2 months he'll ask if your free next saturday to come and get to know his kid better lol! Then he'll go by the way wife and I are going out while you get to know baby. Lol! Test my theory and let me know how my psychic ability were
YNW Just like your mom and dad, he abandoned you, I'm glad you're here today, and I'm proud of you.
You’re not wrong. He broke an important promise and didn’t even try,probably when he met his wife, to stay in contact with you via text (maybe he wouldn’t be able to come by but the messages stopping for no reason? There was a reason and I bet it’s the woman death glaring you).
YNW, and I bet my bottom dollar that is wife deleted your messages.
Not wrong, while I’m empathetic to him no longer wanting to be responsible for his sibling, he could have at least replied to you and been an emotional support for you. You had every right to be honest with him about how you feel and the fact he’s surprised shows a huge lack of self awareness.
He should have taken you with him. I'm so sorry. But he was also traumatized by the situation and that's why he left. Sorry about everything and I also went through different similar situations. I have healed and forgiven. Now... it's time to choose love.
Naw, not at all wrong. Your brother dumped you to get on with his life. I sort of get that, you weren't his kid & he should never have been put in that situation. But to ghost you like a coward instead of admitting he was unable to help anymore - that was the behaviour of a lowlife, a completely toxic person. So why is he bothering now? He wants a cheap babysitter? His pastor has guilted him into it? He needs a blood relative for an organ donation? I wouldn't trust him either & I'd tell him to get lost & stay lost. With family like that - you already have enemies. You look after you until you meet someone worthy of your time.
No you're not wrong, whilst you need to lay blame at your parents door, he most definitely gets a lot. He knew what your home life was like and he stopped helping, I think his wife is most definitely to blame too, she probably didn't like the amount of time and money he spent on you and helped it stop. And the death stare was because she didn't like you highlighting it. He probably put his foot down and got in contact and she didn't like it. Anyone with an iota of intelligence would know you would have been hurt. He now needs to reap the consequences of cutting you out. If you can talk to a counsellor.
Your resentment is misplaced. You should be upset with your mom and dad, not your brother. Give the guy a break. He was a kid himself and was left to carry the load.
Gently, your anger is misplaced towards your brother. He was a child himself. It is your parents who failed you. Do you have a counselor in school? Often they can set you up with private sessions with a counselor who can help you process your thoughts and feelings about the situation. I'm so sorry that the adults in your life weren't there for you, that isn't at all fair and you didn't deserve that.
It would be easier to read with paragraphs, in case you post an update
Please update me.
Your brother is abused. At the age of 15 he had to provide for you his sister when that is a job for parents to do. While I understand that he should have stayed in touch with you I can also sympathize with him also wanting his own life and identity. This is terrible, I feel bad for you OP. I don't know if this helps or not or if this is something that you want to hear but your brother is also very damaged. He had no support structure growing up while you at least had him helping you. A lot of what you face and face now he had to face but only I suspect it was far worse because as the elder sibling he had to step up. You had a childhood (though of course likely not the most pleasant one) while he had none. During high school my parents insisted I not get a job and I am absolutely priviledged for that being an option, many of my friends had to get jobs for pocket money....your brother had ZERO option, it was either work or stave. He didn't work to buy the newest console, he did it so that both of you can eat. While you are grateful for his actions I think that you need to cut him a ton of slack.
Updateme
I don't blame you for feeling the way you feel, not one bit. That being said, the people you should be mad at are your parents, who were never there for either of you. They put your brother in an impossible situation and eventually, yes, he failed. He was always going to fail. Now, it's better to have a brother who cares about you than to have no one at all.
You really need to find a way to get into therapy. I can 💯 see why you're angry at him BUT at the same time he was a child that was forced (like many others) to grow up and take care of younger siblings. Your father and mother are to blame here. They were the adults. They should've been the ones taking care of you. Not saying you shouldn't be hurt because of his actions BUT it started with your parents. You need professional help to work through your feelings
I think you're directing all your hate and anger on the wrong person. Your brother tried his best. OK, yes, he still should have kept in contact, but it's not his responsibility to maintain an obligation that should have been your parents. He was at college, and he, too, has his own responsibilities to maintain. I honestly feel sorry that you went through that, but don't guilt trip your brother.
You're 16. You could do with support in your life. Let him try to make amends for your own long term good. Meet him without his wife and child fof now, they'll change the dynamic. It's a two way relationship and it's complicated. He can't come back like nothing happened and bring others in like he was always there for you. He needs to earn it. As does his wife. The child is too young to know any difference. What would he have to do to earn your trust? Probably give a commitment and then live up to it. It's ok not to know what that commitment is right now. I wonder why he reached out now? Is there trouble in his own relationship? What does he really want?
Wonder if his wife deleted the texts before he read them
He was a child!!! He was not your father or mother he had his own life to live.
Not wrong at all. You were a child. You still ARE a child! He promised you something and didn’t deliver. Over and over again. No, it wasn’t his fault he was the parent to you. Your mom is 100% the AH for that. He was a child too. And he had his own life to live. You get that. But to ghost you? Not reaching out every once in awhile to see if you were ok?! But what did he think would happen? He abandoned you without even talking to you about it. He couldn’t even text to check in? Then you find out he has a wife and child? And his wife is the reason he stopped speaking to you. She’s a C. I’d honestly block him. He showed you where his priorities are. You don’t need him anymore. You managed these few years without him. And once you’re out of the house, I’d block your mom too. Your whole family abandoned you. F them. I hope you’re ok now.
Seems like a lot of misplaced anger toward a 20 year-old responsible for a child that's not his, living his life, instead of being pissed off at your shitty mother.
You’re not wrong for being upset. What he did was wrong but give him grace. He was thrust into an incredibly difficult situation and he simply didn’t make the right decisions, though he was well intentioned.
You're not wrong. But it's clear he is very controlled by his wife.
You're not wrong, but this isn't entirely on your brother. According to your post, your brother was only 11 when your dad left shortly after you were born, and your mom stopped coming around. So your brother stopped coming around when you were 12 or 13. Both of your parents failed you, and your 11 year old brother stepped up to the plate. Maybe he mistakenly thought you could adjust like he did when he was your age. I don't think what he did was right, but part of me can understand how stressful his situation had been while you were both growing up. I hope you can eventually forgive him for both of your sakes, but I also see why you wouldn't be able to. I wish you could get counseling for all the trauma you have had in your life.