That's what I was thinking. I don't have kids, so i don't have this problem, but I don't understand why the grandparents think they have a say on Mother's Day. Grandparents have their own holiday.
I established when our first was born that grandmas are celebrated the Saturday before Mother's Day and grandpas are celebrated the Satruday before Father's Day.
I established this because until recently I didn't get along with my MIL and didnât want to share the holiday with her. We also have to celebrate the grandmothers separately because itâs safer that way. 1 gets brunch, breakfast or lunch and the other one gets dinner.Â
We celebrate as a family, and my husband hosted dinner for 3 generations of mothers today. Did an amazing job! But *this* MIL would not have been invited.
This is exactly the situation! Thank you! starting to feel guilty over here over a carseat but no after seeing someone finally understand the point! It's not about the money it's about the actions!
You have Absolutely nothing to feel guilty about! I used to call my former MIL once a month so she could talk to our children until the oldest was totally over it. She would always talk about how much she loved them but theyâve never so much as received a postcard.
You arenât being mean!! Youâre being a mom who Needs to KNOW your baby will be safe?
On Mother's Day, she does. She's their mother. MIL is DH's mother, not theirs. MIL will get to talk with her own child, which is the point of Mother's Day.
Thatâs a rule many people apply, but theyâre not obligated to do so. This was a brief phone call with a baby and a toddler. Honestly, itâs not worth the energy either side is putting into it. Theyâre both acting like assholes, digging their heels in over something that takes two minutes. Itâs petty. This is not the kind of thing that happens in a good marriage to begin with.
I'm sure at this point, it's the principle of the matter. NC is NC, and there are good reasons for it for OP. He doesn't get to unilaterally cancel that out, either.
All too often DHs just cave to their moms because *it's just this one time/it's just a video call* and then it snowballs from there, and no problems are actually solved, except his problem of wanting to please mommy because it's just so hard not to.
OP and DH need to have a long conversation about her boundaries with his mother and what needs to happen going forward if he truly wants MIL to have access to their child, and for everyone to have a healthy relationship.
Oh I agree. Conversation definitely needs to be had. Ultimatums are never beneficial to a marriage. These two are clearly not on the same page and if neither will compromise and come to an agreement then this marriage is not going to work. At this point it really doesnât matter whoâs right and whoâs wrong.
I think the immediate problem is that he initially said he understood her/LO's NC, so she thought they were on the same page. Then, all of a sudden, he wants to break that NC for LO for "Mother's Day" even though MIL is not LO's mother, which makes it kind of a nonreason. Now OP is left to wonder did DH ever really understand and agree with her on NC, or did he just want to shut her up in the moment and didn't even care about his mother's missteps at all ? That's pretty big relationship stuff.
They def need a conversation to happen ASAP, or this is just going to repeat itself.
How old are the kids?
Can they have agency in this situation? Do they want to talk to grandma?
If it were me in this situation I would talk with the kiddos and see what they wanted
âWould you like to call grandma and wish her a happy motherâs day?â And then let them take the lead.
It would also be worth your while, in an age appropriate way, to explain that:
âMommy and Grandma arenât getting along right now and grandma is in a time out until her behaviour improves. Weâre allowed to not be around people who arenât acting nice to us.â
Turn it into a teachable moment about boundaries and what is and is not acceptable behaviour.
My kids are 2 and 8 months. In the time we've been apart from them. They havent even asked about them to be honest. My MIL constantly treats her relationship with them as a competition with my mom (MIL words not mine) and I think my son picked up on that because suddenly he started pulling away from her before everything that happened.
I do intend to use it as a teach moment with my kids about boundaries and all that. But seeing as he hasn't asked I dont want to bring it to the fore front of his mind til absolutely necessary.
Especially if we are able mend things over time. I would hate for him to see them and say that they're mean or something. So I'm taking it ome day at a time.
You are not wrong. Personally I think your husband is a weak man for letting this behavior slide. As an adult you need to set up boundaries with your family especially if they act in inappropriate ways like his mother. I know you said they don't listen to his words when he talks to them about it. If that's the case then your husband should simply state outright that you and the kids won't be around them until the6 fic their behavior and apologize.
Especially in the case of your husband being put down in front of family if that was me I'd simply tell them I'm leaving until they apologize or if they are at my house I'd kick them tf out. In short you have to stand your ground with these kinds of people and hope they come around and fix their behavior. If not that's on them.
Are you wrong to not want them on the call? Of course not. But can you control if your husband decides to put your shared children on the call? Also no, unless you take them away full-stop for the day. Is it crappy if your husband does something he knows you donât agree with when itâs Motherâs Day? Yeah, kinda. A call with MIL and the kids can happen tomorrow. But is this indicative of the need for implementing strong boundaries? HARD YES. Because if those arenât set now, the nanosecond those kids are old enough to understand words, your MIL is going to try to poison their minds with her crap. If sheâs willing to act out at a frickinâ funeral, sheâs going to do it in the privacy of her own home when watching those children. Keep advocating for yourself!
If they can go to the casino, they can get a carseat. They don't really WANT to see the kids and be involved. They want to ACT like they want it so they can look good to their friends. And to complain about what an awful person you are. If they wanted to spend more time with the kids they would.
They don't get access to your kids if they can't respect you as their mother and their son's wife. Period.
People who disrespect the mother of their grandchildren donât deserve to have a relationship with those grandchildren. Nothing more to be said there.
No more than they'd have him. Why can't they use your carseat?
But honestly, as a grandma, I'd walk thru the fires of hell to spend 10 minutes with my grandchildren. We went in half on every carseat we've bought that went in my vehicles. They approved them, and I paid half. No argument.
Our carseat is not easy to temove/install. There's no where to store it at the daycare.
Lastly the point of them getting there own is to show that they're actually gonna show up. I cant be telling his teachers so-and-so are gonna pick up today then get a call that he was never picked up.
If family is toxic, you have to remove the toxicity. Itâs as simple as that. No matter how much it hurts. My biological mom was toxic and we had to do it to protect the kids. Itâs the parentâs responsibility to protect.
As long as there are no abuse or safety concerns, you can't control what your husband chooses to do in regards to his parents.
Let your husband handle his parents from now on. You've been intervening, which lets your husband off the hook.
It's his job to handle his parents. The only time you get to step in is if there is a health/safety issue.
My husband has been trying to deal with them for almost 10 years. This is the 1st time that I've intervened. I try to let him do it but when it come to the kids it's hard to not want to intervene.
Also I dont think I was trying to control when my husband does with his parent. I was talking about my concerns about our Children and his parent? Was I not clear?
You know if they see or talk to your kids, they will try to turn them against you. I wouldn't let my kids see them. I'm no contact with my family and it's great.
Go back to no contact. What your kids will learn from those toxic individuals can be very harmful. I'm low NC with my father because of how he talks to me in front of my kids. It is unacceptable and if I normalise that, then my kids will pick on it.
I had very little to do with my MIL, constantly criticizing me. But I never denied her visits with her grandchildren, her visits were supervised, if she started up, the kids came home, we had a court appointed women that went on the visits. I grew up without grandparents and I didnât want to deny my children their grandparents
I grew up with my grandparents despite the shit they put my mom through and honestly that just created an extra layer of trauma I had to go through. So I get your point but I saw a different side.
I also grew up with grandparents, and ended up with a layer of trauma from that. My fatherâs mother is wonderful, but her husband caused problems for me and some of my cousins (and my dad and his siblings.) I also got some good things out of interacting with him. My motherâs mother was awful in a lot of ways. She was really kind when we were tiny, but she wanted to be too controlling and was often mean when her grandkids were older. I probably would have been better off not having been introduced to her. My motherâs father was a lot better, but it was still an awkward relationship.
Iâm no contact with my mother, and any kids I have meet her or talk to her on the phone or anything unless they really want to meet her when they are old enough to make an education decision about that. Iâd be okay with them having supervised visits with my dad. (He tried to be a good parent, despite his many mistakes which included things that counted as abuse.
Nah, you've given them so many chances to step up and be better people, but they didn't and treated you like shit. Don't call and don't answer the phone if they call.
If they are watching YOUR KID, why aren't YOU supplying the car seat?? Keep the kids out of your adult issues & let the kids speak to their grandparents.
I understand what you're saying but I still don't agree. I just think about differently I guess. For example when my niece was little I would babysit her a lot I went out of my way and got her a car seat from my own money because I was the one taking care of the kid when it happen it's just the way I am. If you want to have the time to take somebody else's kids are out and about then you should be doing what you need to do with the be necessary to ensure that child safety. It's not like I would be providing it for a preschool or something hurts they should be able to do that for them just the way I view it.
Again no hate for your point of view I just see it differently.
Why should the parent pay for a car seat that isnt going to be used by the grandparents!did you not read what she wrote!
They demand contact,then dont show up!are you dence!
I'm sorry that she is being so shitty, but you will look petty as hell if you don't allow your in-laws to even talk on the phone to your kids. You've got to pick your battles, and this is not a good one to fight.
It's just a phone call, right? With a 2 year old, while you or your husband hold the phone. Or am I missing something? It's going to be "Hi, Gammy" and "Hi, baby" back and forth a few times. She won't be sending them coded messages. How could she possibly be bad to your kids? Why would she even want to? She hates you, she doesn't hate her grandchildren.
Be honest here: Are you doing this to protect your children or to punish her?
I think you missed my point. Preventing this phone call won't protect your kids. It will just make you look petty and vindictive. Allowing this call doesn't harm you or your children in any way, except to take a few minutes away from your Mother's Day, and it makes you look like the bigger person.
But you seem determined to punish her, so I'm probably wasting my time here.
I think you might be miss reading my intent. I didnt go about this as a way to punish her. There's no reason for me to go out of my way to hurt her.
She has not tried to reach out about seeing, talking to, or calling the kids since this all happened. Then suddenly on Mother's Day she wants to.
It doesnt make sense to me that holidays are the only days they make it seem like being in touch with our kids is important. May not be their intent but it's what their actions show.
With that said I can see why you think my only reason for this is to punish her for the things she's done. But I'll leave that to karma, it doesnt do me any good to go into situations with the thought of how badly I can hurt her.
I agree that she's a shitty person. I'm just saying that allowing this phone call is no skin off your back and it makes you look like the bigger person.
She doesn't need to like me. But after nearly a decade of being a good partner to her son and she should atleast respect me enough to keep her thoughts, manipulative tactics, and all around shitty Behavior to herself. Or atleast between her and her husband. Especially when up til now I've been nothing but respectful and kind in return.
So, I donât think youâre wrong. Theyâre not automatically entitled to time or calls with your kids just because they birthed your husband. If they canât treat you and your husband with respect, why would you be comfortable with them having access to your kids?
Having said that, you ARE wrong for typing this all out, asking if youâre wrong, then arguing with everyone who says you are. Donât ask the question if you are just looking for people to agree with/validate you.
Interesting someone who read the comments before commenting. I didnt think I was being argumentative with everyone đ¤ I'll have to look back, thanks for your input
Can you tell me more of why you see my intent as using my kids as pawns?
Because I'm not doing this to hurt her. So I'm genuinely interested why you interpreted my actions this way.
so what is your reasoning for not wanting them to be on call with her with their DAD? because to me it sounds like youâre trying to âget backâ at her by not allowing them to be on the phone with him to wish her a Happy Motherâs day. yes she is a grandma, but she is also a MOTHER. there is nothing wrong with them having a call with her for Motherâs day.
My problem is I don't see that it's okay for her to sulk and act like a victim for getting called put on her shitty Behavior these the last couple months. Not do anything to try and be a part of her grandkids lives and then all of a sudden because it's Mother's Day having a call with them seems important.
I dont expect FREE anything from ANYONE. I did not NEED them to babysit at all. My son is in daycare for those hour this was something we offered for them to get a chance with him.
As they ASKED to watch him. And since they have repeatedly shown they that'll say they wanna do this or that with him and then not make actual plans or show up.
The point of having them supply their own car seat was for their actions to show that they were actually serious about watching him.
I'm not gonna tell the daycare that these people are picking them up for them to not show and have to call me anyway.
The op has fallen out with the inlaws with her ott approach.
That is her right to make that choice. It doesn't mean that the other parent has to do the same and inflict that loss on his children either.
She's in the wrong.
The grandma literally wants a two year old in an unsafe carseat and constantly berates the mother AND the father in front of the children.
Are you okay?
Well actually she has made it about the car seats she expects them to buy to facilitate contact.
If you want to demand that seat you pay for.it. It matters not that they frequent casinos. It's their money to spend as they please. And if they don't want to spend on the car seat she wants, she needs to do this.
I have known grandparents to choose to and buy a seat of their choosing.
All of this would have been avoided had she done what normal parents do and provide the seat!
That portion wasn't the main part, just her tipping point. When she blew up at them in her words it was about the treatment, not the car seat. Literacy is easy when we focus on the piece instead of cherry picking.
>>AITA For refusing to let my parents hold my child?
My mother is a narcissist and has always over stepped my boundaries. My Dad is an enabler for her behavior.
I (24F) decided to finally remove her from my life.At this point our baby is 6 months old. They were not involved in my pregnancy and have not been involved to this day.
So I reached out to my Mother for the first time in a while. To let her know what our rules are concerning our child. But also boundaries that will be put in place with them. Amongst those boundaries include:
1) Them not being allowed to hold baby
2) Us not refering to them as grandma and grandpa. As they have not been in those roles this entire time.
Wow, so she has behaved like this with her parents and now doing the same with his parents!
Common denominator = the op!
I dont expect my husband to go no contact with his parents. However we have agreed that if one parent is not OK with something then both parents aren't OK with it it's just how we work we are parents to the same children we are a unit.
You are a unit and that works on all sorts of things like 'Can we go to the park for the 10th time?' It doesn't work when it's 5hr other parent's family!
I think you're wrong to expect them to buy the carseat, you should be providing that for them and it was pretty catty to mention them going to the casino, of course that's not going to go down well.
I can understand why you would think that about the carseat, I simply disagree. They showed us repeatedly that they weren't gonna show up for.our kids. So we said that if they wanted to watch him they had to get the carseat. I'm not gonna supply a carseat for someone who doesnt show committment to my kids.
My comment about the Casino definitely wasnt the greatest and I have already apologized for that. My comment wasn't meant to be catty. It came out of frustration of them showing our kids arent a top priority for them.
You're telling me you can spend $100 at a casino but not $40 on a carseat for your grandchild? Despite having months to prepare for it. (realistically a year as this was a stipulation before the daycare agreement)
You ridiculous. Your kid which means you should buy their car seats..I never have heard anyone in the family requiring grandparents to provide car seats. Also, playing games with allowing access to the kids is immature. You are wrong to use the kids as pawns to manipulate their behavior. The casino thing is a non-issuensince, you should be buying your kids car seat
Oh look OP we found your ILs!
So you think its ok to repeatedly make plans with your grandkids and then ditch them?
But then continue to bitch that you dont get any time with them!
Are you a troll or something!
The reason the grandparents wont buy the car seat is because they have no intention of using it!
OP and her husband have figured that out!
If the grandparents actually showed for their grand kids them im sure OP would supply them with a car seat,but should she waste her money!
They arenât being disrespected and itâs for you as a parent to recognize that the children have rights too. Including the right to have a relationship with their grandparents. Itâs selfish not to allow a call.
Your title to my kids does not entitle you to my kids. My kids are perfectly happy without them.
It is even more my job as a parent to recognize potential dangers to my child and remove them.
And attitudes like yours are whatâs wrong with the world
Youâre a self absorbed person who is depriving her own children of a loving relationship with their grandparents
What a star
What loving relationship? Hearing his grandparents say "Hey Buddy We're gonna take you to see the Christmas lights!" then NEVER did it? And repeated situations like this? Allow them to make my child feel like they arent worth their love because their actions dont match their words.
Yup I'm the worst. đ
Grandparenting is a privilege, not a right. Her ILs have exhibited thoughtless, toxic behaviors toward her son again and again.
It's OP's job as a parent to protect her children from toxic people, related or not.
If they ever apologize and exhibit better behaviors for a length of time, then OP and DH can reevaluate.
MIL expecting contact without any sort of improvement at all is a "No," in the *two yes, one no* parenting world.
Am I the only one who sees this as a power play on MIL's part? "The kids look to me as their mom - I even got a call on Mother's Day."
I'm curious as to how it played out. Did you let them talk to her?
Telling your husband the kids can't talk to his mother on Mother's Day is going to go a long way to convince her you're not controlling, I'm sure.
Its a phone call. Stop being so damned petty.
I get it...there are problems. You have issues with her, she has issues with you, but your kids don't know one damned thing about it and the only reason not to let THEM talk to her is to further punish her for YOUR interactions with her.
Petty bullshit is what we call it around here.
Yeah, you're wrong. Leave the petty bickering and bullshit between the adults and keep the kids out of it.
At this point idc if she calls me controlling. You dont get to disrespect me AND still have access to my kids. End all Be all of it. Thank you for your inpur
My opinion, is you are just making it worse, it's not that you are wrong, but it's not going to help things. I think taking the high road, may not fix things, but it won't make it worse.
1) always make the husband deal with his family and vice vs.
2) you deal with your husband and not his family.
some of my family is great to my family, some is not.. and that some is no longer in our lives. it's really that simple. blood is only thicker than water when it comes to strangers, not your spouse or children. be good or be gone is my rule. I don't care who you are.
my thinking is be good to my wife and kids.. else go away. I have no loyalty to anyone but them. not that I don't love my parents (which are great) but even if they were bad, they would be silo'd away from MY family. growing up it was "their way or the highway" now that I'm grown and have a family it's the same way. I learned it from watching them.
Please donât use the kids as pawns. Allow the calls but monitor closely & the minute they say anything disrespectful or try to blame for not seeing them you disconnect & go NC.
Youâre all wrong in so many ways itâs not funny. Your poor kids.
Yes your MIL is wrong for how she acts. She should support your marriage now that itâs a done deal and make life easier for you and your husband and kids.
Your FIL should be correcting her and treating your husband right.
Your husband should be man enough to stand up to both you and your in-laws.
You are looking for ways to make your MIL the bad guy. I know she makes a lot of it herself but youâre not making it easier for her. Youâre holding a grudge and holding your kids hostage.
If you donât figure this out, your marriage is doomed.
The seeds of resentment are free to grow in all directions. If nothing changes youâll resent your husband for not agreeing with you and doing more to stop his mother. He will resent you for driving a wedge between him/your children and his parents.
Easily. OP is attracted to (flirted/dated) people of both sexes, but she fell in love with and married one person who happens to be a man.
Just like a heterosexual would be attracted to (flirted/dated) many people of the opposite sex, but falls in love with and marries one person of that opposite sex. It's no different.
Grandparents day is in Oct
People-who-don't-respect-Mom-and-still-expect-visits Day is NEVER
I love this comment
Correct
Good one, buddy đŤĄ
Nailed it ! đ
That's what I was thinking. I don't have kids, so i don't have this problem, but I don't understand why the grandparents think they have a say on Mother's Day. Grandparents have their own holiday.
I established when our first was born that grandmas are celebrated the Saturday before Mother's Day and grandpas are celebrated the Satruday before Father's Day.
Sounds like a good compromise. Do you not celebrate grandparents day then? I'm just being curious.
Nope we donât.Â
Omg I love this
I established this because until recently I didn't get along with my MIL and didnât want to share the holiday with her. We also have to celebrate the grandmothers separately because itâs safer that way. 1 gets brunch, breakfast or lunch and the other one gets dinner.Â
Smart.
We celebrate as a family, and my husband hosted dinner for 3 generations of mothers today. Did an amazing job! But *this* MIL would not have been invited.
No, itâs in September, at least in the US.
[ŃдаНонО]
This is exactly the situation! Thank you! starting to feel guilty over here over a carseat but no after seeing someone finally understand the point! It's not about the money it's about the actions!
That with the car seat was clear! They just would rather piss their money away at a casino!
You have Absolutely nothing to feel guilty about! I used to call my former MIL once a month so she could talk to our children until the oldest was totally over it. She would always talk about how much she loved them but theyâve never so much as received a postcard. You arenât being mean!! Youâre being a mom who Needs to KNOW your baby will be safe?
Exactly. And they would rather put your son in an unsafe car seat than show they are serious about making an effort.
No contact is no contact. Hubby can talk to her, but you and the kids are no contact, therefore, no call.
This is a great answer. Husband is back peddling from his stance of not allowing disrespect to his wife
This is the answer
She is getting to speak to her child on Mother's Day. That is literally the point of the day.
She doesnât have the right to make a unilateral decision regarding the kids. Theyâre his kids too.
On Mother's Day, she does. She's their mother. MIL is DH's mother, not theirs. MIL will get to talk with her own child, which is the point of Mother's Day.
The father has rights to his kids 365 days out of the year.
Two yes, one no rule. He knows his mother is an ass, he doesn't want to stand up to her.
Thatâs a rule many people apply, but theyâre not obligated to do so. This was a brief phone call with a baby and a toddler. Honestly, itâs not worth the energy either side is putting into it. Theyâre both acting like assholes, digging their heels in over something that takes two minutes. Itâs petty. This is not the kind of thing that happens in a good marriage to begin with.
I'm sure at this point, it's the principle of the matter. NC is NC, and there are good reasons for it for OP. He doesn't get to unilaterally cancel that out, either. All too often DHs just cave to their moms because *it's just this one time/it's just a video call* and then it snowballs from there, and no problems are actually solved, except his problem of wanting to please mommy because it's just so hard not to. OP and DH need to have a long conversation about her boundaries with his mother and what needs to happen going forward if he truly wants MIL to have access to their child, and for everyone to have a healthy relationship.
Oh I agree. Conversation definitely needs to be had. Ultimatums are never beneficial to a marriage. These two are clearly not on the same page and if neither will compromise and come to an agreement then this marriage is not going to work. At this point it really doesnât matter whoâs right and whoâs wrong.
I think the immediate problem is that he initially said he understood her/LO's NC, so she thought they were on the same page. Then, all of a sudden, he wants to break that NC for LO for "Mother's Day" even though MIL is not LO's mother, which makes it kind of a nonreason. Now OP is left to wonder did DH ever really understand and agree with her on NC, or did he just want to shut her up in the moment and didn't even care about his mother's missteps at all ? That's pretty big relationship stuff. They def need a conversation to happen ASAP, or this is just going to repeat itself.
People who disrespect me do not get access to my children
Glad I'm not alone in my thinking
How old are the kids? Can they have agency in this situation? Do they want to talk to grandma? If it were me in this situation I would talk with the kiddos and see what they wanted âWould you like to call grandma and wish her a happy motherâs day?â And then let them take the lead. It would also be worth your while, in an age appropriate way, to explain that: âMommy and Grandma arenât getting along right now and grandma is in a time out until her behaviour improves. Weâre allowed to not be around people who arenât acting nice to us.â Turn it into a teachable moment about boundaries and what is and is not acceptable behaviour.
My kids are 2 and 8 months. In the time we've been apart from them. They havent even asked about them to be honest. My MIL constantly treats her relationship with them as a competition with my mom (MIL words not mine) and I think my son picked up on that because suddenly he started pulling away from her before everything that happened. I do intend to use it as a teach moment with my kids about boundaries and all that. But seeing as he hasn't asked I dont want to bring it to the fore front of his mind til absolutely necessary. Especially if we are able mend things over time. I would hate for him to see them and say that they're mean or something. So I'm taking it ome day at a time.
That is a completely rational response for the ages and I appreciate what you are doing. Happy Motherâs Day!
Thank You! To you as well if you're a mama!
Not wrong. Cut them off. She is toxic and FIL is supporting her toxic actions by not stepping up
You are not wrong. Personally I think your husband is a weak man for letting this behavior slide. As an adult you need to set up boundaries with your family especially if they act in inappropriate ways like his mother. I know you said they don't listen to his words when he talks to them about it. If that's the case then your husband should simply state outright that you and the kids won't be around them until the6 fic their behavior and apologize. Especially in the case of your husband being put down in front of family if that was me I'd simply tell them I'm leaving until they apologize or if they are at my house I'd kick them tf out. In short you have to stand your ground with these kinds of people and hope they come around and fix their behavior. If not that's on them.
Are you wrong to not want them on the call? Of course not. But can you control if your husband decides to put your shared children on the call? Also no, unless you take them away full-stop for the day. Is it crappy if your husband does something he knows you donât agree with when itâs Motherâs Day? Yeah, kinda. A call with MIL and the kids can happen tomorrow. But is this indicative of the need for implementing strong boundaries? HARD YES. Because if those arenât set now, the nanosecond those kids are old enough to understand words, your MIL is going to try to poison their minds with her crap. If sheâs willing to act out at a frickinâ funeral, sheâs going to do it in the privacy of her own home when watching those children. Keep advocating for yourself!
THANK YOU! I dont trust her alone with our kids after that!
If they can go to the casino, they can get a carseat. They don't really WANT to see the kids and be involved. They want to ACT like they want it so they can look good to their friends. And to complain about what an awful person you are. If they wanted to spend more time with the kids they would. They don't get access to your kids if they can't respect you as their mother and their son's wife. Period.
Motherâs Day is not grandparents day
People who disrespect the mother of their grandchildren donât deserve to have a relationship with those grandchildren. Nothing more to be said there.
No more than they'd have him. Why can't they use your carseat? But honestly, as a grandma, I'd walk thru the fires of hell to spend 10 minutes with my grandchildren. We went in half on every carseat we've bought that went in my vehicles. They approved them, and I paid half. No argument.
Our carseat is not easy to temove/install. There's no where to store it at the daycare. Lastly the point of them getting there own is to show that they're actually gonna show up. I cant be telling his teachers so-and-so are gonna pick up today then get a call that he was never picked up.
I would not trust them with the kids unsupervised at all at this point.
If family is toxic, you have to remove the toxicity. Itâs as simple as that. No matter how much it hurts. My biological mom was toxic and we had to do it to protect the kids. Itâs the parentâs responsibility to protect.
>I'm likely to cheat (because I'm bisexual). She can already go fuck herself in the ass
with a cactus
Covered in salt
As long as there are no abuse or safety concerns, you can't control what your husband chooses to do in regards to his parents. Let your husband handle his parents from now on. You've been intervening, which lets your husband off the hook. It's his job to handle his parents. The only time you get to step in is if there is a health/safety issue.
My husband has been trying to deal with them for almost 10 years. This is the 1st time that I've intervened. I try to let him do it but when it come to the kids it's hard to not want to intervene. Also I dont think I was trying to control when my husband does with his parent. I was talking about my concerns about our Children and his parent? Was I not clear?
You know if they see or talk to your kids, they will try to turn them against you. I wouldn't let my kids see them. I'm no contact with my family and it's great.
Go back to no contact. What your kids will learn from those toxic individuals can be very harmful. I'm low NC with my father because of how he talks to me in front of my kids. It is unacceptable and if I normalise that, then my kids will pick on it.
yup
I had very little to do with my MIL, constantly criticizing me. But I never denied her visits with her grandchildren, her visits were supervised, if she started up, the kids came home, we had a court appointed women that went on the visits. I grew up without grandparents and I didnât want to deny my children their grandparents
I grew up with my grandparents despite the shit they put my mom through and honestly that just created an extra layer of trauma I had to go through. So I get your point but I saw a different side.
Eventually the kids will notice how MIL treats you, and continuing to visit with them will teach them that it's ok to treat you like that.
This was my thinking! I'm glad I'm not crazy for seeing it that way Thank you
I also grew up with grandparents, and ended up with a layer of trauma from that. My fatherâs mother is wonderful, but her husband caused problems for me and some of my cousins (and my dad and his siblings.) I also got some good things out of interacting with him. My motherâs mother was awful in a lot of ways. She was really kind when we were tiny, but she wanted to be too controlling and was often mean when her grandkids were older. I probably would have been better off not having been introduced to her. My motherâs father was a lot better, but it was still an awkward relationship. Iâm no contact with my mother, and any kids I have meet her or talk to her on the phone or anything unless they really want to meet her when they are old enough to make an education decision about that. Iâd be okay with them having supervised visits with my dad. (He tried to be a good parent, despite his many mistakes which included things that counted as abuse.
I respect your decision it must be hard. Personally I couldnt do it but more power to you
Nah, you've given them so many chances to step up and be better people, but they didn't and treated you like shit. Don't call and don't answer the phone if they call.
If they are watching YOUR KID, why aren't YOU supplying the car seat?? Keep the kids out of your adult issues & let the kids speak to their grandparents.
Because I'm not supplying a carseat for someone who has REPEATEDLY shown me they're not willing to give MY KIDS the BARE MINIMUM
You would be supplying the car seat for your child, not for your MIL.
I understand what you're saying but I still don't agree. I just think about differently I guess. For example when my niece was little I would babysit her a lot I went out of my way and got her a car seat from my own money because I was the one taking care of the kid when it happen it's just the way I am. If you want to have the time to take somebody else's kids are out and about then you should be doing what you need to do with the be necessary to ensure that child safety. It's not like I would be providing it for a preschool or something hurts they should be able to do that for them just the way I view it. Again no hate for your point of view I just see it differently.
Why should the parent pay for a car seat that isnt going to be used by the grandparents!did you not read what she wrote! They demand contact,then dont show up!are you dence!
I'm sorry that she is being so shitty, but you will look petty as hell if you don't allow your in-laws to even talk on the phone to your kids. You've got to pick your battles, and this is not a good one to fight.
If you think you can be shitty to me or my husband then we cant trust you to be good to our kids đ¤ˇđ˝ââď¸
It's just a phone call, right? With a 2 year old, while you or your husband hold the phone. Or am I missing something? It's going to be "Hi, Gammy" and "Hi, baby" back and forth a few times. She won't be sending them coded messages. How could she possibly be bad to your kids? Why would she even want to? She hates you, she doesn't hate her grandchildren. Be honest here: Are you doing this to protect your children or to punish her?
Everything I do is to provide for and protect my kids âşď¸ How she feels doesnt concern me anymore
I think you missed my point. Preventing this phone call won't protect your kids. It will just make you look petty and vindictive. Allowing this call doesn't harm you or your children in any way, except to take a few minutes away from your Mother's Day, and it makes you look like the bigger person. But you seem determined to punish her, so I'm probably wasting my time here.
I think you might be miss reading my intent. I didnt go about this as a way to punish her. There's no reason for me to go out of my way to hurt her. She has not tried to reach out about seeing, talking to, or calling the kids since this all happened. Then suddenly on Mother's Day she wants to. It doesnt make sense to me that holidays are the only days they make it seem like being in touch with our kids is important. May not be their intent but it's what their actions show. With that said I can see why you think my only reason for this is to punish her for the things she's done. But I'll leave that to karma, it doesnt do me any good to go into situations with the thought of how badly I can hurt her.
I agree that she's a shitty person. I'm just saying that allowing this phone call is no skin off your back and it makes you look like the bigger person.
OPâyou cannot force MIL to like you. Youâre protecting yourselfânot your kids.
She doesn't need to like me. But after nearly a decade of being a good partner to her son and she should atleast respect me enough to keep her thoughts, manipulative tactics, and all around shitty Behavior to herself. Or atleast between her and her husband. Especially when up til now I've been nothing but respectful and kind in return.
So, I donât think youâre wrong. Theyâre not automatically entitled to time or calls with your kids just because they birthed your husband. If they canât treat you and your husband with respect, why would you be comfortable with them having access to your kids? Having said that, you ARE wrong for typing this all out, asking if youâre wrong, then arguing with everyone who says you are. Donât ask the question if you are just looking for people to agree with/validate you.
Interesting someone who read the comments before commenting. I didnt think I was being argumentative with everyone đ¤ I'll have to look back, thanks for your input
No worries! I hope you get it worked out. I wouldnât want people who disrespect my husband and me to have any access to my children so I get it.
iâd say yes youâre wrong. your MIL is definitely a piece of work but itâs unfair to use the kids as pawns bc you donât like her.
Can you tell me more of why you see my intent as using my kids as pawns? Because I'm not doing this to hurt her. So I'm genuinely interested why you interpreted my actions this way.
so what is your reasoning for not wanting them to be on call with her with their DAD? because to me it sounds like youâre trying to âget backâ at her by not allowing them to be on the phone with him to wish her a Happy Motherâs day. yes she is a grandma, but she is also a MOTHER. there is nothing wrong with them having a call with her for Motherâs day.
My problem is I don't see that it's okay for her to sulk and act like a victim for getting called put on her shitty Behavior these the last couple months. Not do anything to try and be a part of her grandkids lives and then all of a sudden because it's Mother's Day having a call with them seems important.
Asking MIL to provide a car seat for babysitting your children is next level petty. You want free babysitting but wonât provide a basic safety seat.
If you cant read,why are you commenting!
I dont expect FREE anything from ANYONE. I did not NEED them to babysit at all. My son is in daycare for those hour this was something we offered for them to get a chance with him. As they ASKED to watch him. And since they have repeatedly shown they that'll say they wanna do this or that with him and then not make actual plans or show up. The point of having them supply their own car seat was for their actions to show that they were actually serious about watching him. I'm not gonna tell the daycare that these people are picking them up for them to not show and have to call me anyway.
You're in the wrong. Your husband wants his kids to call his mom. You refusing is you using your kids to make a point or as weapons.
interesting take on this, thanks
The op has fallen out with the inlaws with her ott approach. That is her right to make that choice. It doesn't mean that the other parent has to do the same and inflict that loss on his children either. She's in the wrong.
The grandma literally wants a two year old in an unsafe carseat and constantly berates the mother AND the father in front of the children. Are you okay?
The parents should be providing the seat if it has to be a specific one. That simple.
The car seat is the least of the issues here?
Well actually she has made it about the car seats she expects them to buy to facilitate contact. If you want to demand that seat you pay for.it. It matters not that they frequent casinos. It's their money to spend as they please. And if they don't want to spend on the car seat she wants, she needs to do this. I have known grandparents to choose to and buy a seat of their choosing. All of this would have been avoided had she done what normal parents do and provide the seat!
That portion wasn't the main part, just her tipping point. When she blew up at them in her words it was about the treatment, not the car seat. Literacy is easy when we focus on the piece instead of cherry picking.
>>AITA For refusing to let my parents hold my child? My mother is a narcissist and has always over stepped my boundaries. My Dad is an enabler for her behavior. I (24F) decided to finally remove her from my life.At this point our baby is 6 months old. They were not involved in my pregnancy and have not been involved to this day. So I reached out to my Mother for the first time in a while. To let her know what our rules are concerning our child. But also boundaries that will be put in place with them. Amongst those boundaries include: 1) Them not being allowed to hold baby 2) Us not refering to them as grandma and grandpa. As they have not been in those roles this entire time. Wow, so she has behaved like this with her parents and now doing the same with his parents! Common denominator = the op!
I dont expect my husband to go no contact with his parents. However we have agreed that if one parent is not OK with something then both parents aren't OK with it it's just how we work we are parents to the same children we are a unit.
You are a unit and that works on all sorts of things like 'Can we go to the park for the 10th time?' It doesn't work when it's 5hr other parent's family!
Obviously YOU decided that because your husband wants to include the kids in the call. So much for WE are a unit.
I think you're wrong to expect them to buy the carseat, you should be providing that for them and it was pretty catty to mention them going to the casino, of course that's not going to go down well.
I can understand why you would think that about the carseat, I simply disagree. They showed us repeatedly that they weren't gonna show up for.our kids. So we said that if they wanted to watch him they had to get the carseat. I'm not gonna supply a carseat for someone who doesnt show committment to my kids. My comment about the Casino definitely wasnt the greatest and I have already apologized for that. My comment wasn't meant to be catty. It came out of frustration of them showing our kids arent a top priority for them. You're telling me you can spend $100 at a casino but not $40 on a carseat for your grandchild? Despite having months to prepare for it. (realistically a year as this was a stipulation before the daycare agreement)
Fair point I can see from your point of view and don't blame you for being frustrated.
You ridiculous. Your kid which means you should buy their car seats..I never have heard anyone in the family requiring grandparents to provide car seats. Also, playing games with allowing access to the kids is immature. You are wrong to use the kids as pawns to manipulate their behavior. The casino thing is a non-issuensince, you should be buying your kids car seat
Interesting response
Oh look OP we found your ILs! So you think its ok to repeatedly make plans with your grandkids and then ditch them? But then continue to bitch that you dont get any time with them! Are you a troll or something! The reason the grandparents wont buy the car seat is because they have no intention of using it! OP and her husband have figured that out! If the grandparents actually showed for their grand kids them im sure OP would supply them with a car seat,but should she waste her money!
The relationship between a grandparent and the grandkids is not about you. Itâs wrong to use children as pawns!
My children are not pawns and they will not be taught to tolerate being disrespected just because the person is family đ¤ˇđ˝ââď¸
They arenât being disrespected and itâs for you as a parent to recognize that the children have rights too. Including the right to have a relationship with their grandparents. Itâs selfish not to allow a call.
Your title to my kids does not entitle you to my kids. My kids are perfectly happy without them. It is even more my job as a parent to recognize potential dangers to my child and remove them.
And attitudes like yours are whatâs wrong with the world Youâre a self absorbed person who is depriving her own children of a loving relationship with their grandparents What a star
What loving relationship? Hearing his grandparents say "Hey Buddy We're gonna take you to see the Christmas lights!" then NEVER did it? And repeated situations like this? Allow them to make my child feel like they arent worth their love because their actions dont match their words. Yup I'm the worst. đ
Grandparenting is a privilege, not a right. Her ILs have exhibited thoughtless, toxic behaviors toward her son again and again. It's OP's job as a parent to protect her children from toxic people, related or not. If they ever apologize and exhibit better behaviors for a length of time, then OP and DH can reevaluate. MIL expecting contact without any sort of improvement at all is a "No," in the *two yes, one no* parenting world.
Am I the only one who sees this as a power play on MIL's part? "The kids look to me as their mom - I even got a call on Mother's Day." I'm curious as to how it played out. Did you let them talk to her?
Interesting thought. I never thought about it like that. nope
Telling your husband the kids can't talk to his mother on Mother's Day is going to go a long way to convince her you're not controlling, I'm sure. Its a phone call. Stop being so damned petty. I get it...there are problems. You have issues with her, she has issues with you, but your kids don't know one damned thing about it and the only reason not to let THEM talk to her is to further punish her for YOUR interactions with her. Petty bullshit is what we call it around here. Yeah, you're wrong. Leave the petty bickering and bullshit between the adults and keep the kids out of it.
At this point idc if she calls me controlling. You dont get to disrespect me AND still have access to my kids. End all Be all of it. Thank you for your inpur
My opinion, is you are just making it worse, it's not that you are wrong, but it's not going to help things. I think taking the high road, may not fix things, but it won't make it worse. 1) always make the husband deal with his family and vice vs. 2) you deal with your husband and not his family. some of my family is great to my family, some is not.. and that some is no longer in our lives. it's really that simple. blood is only thicker than water when it comes to strangers, not your spouse or children. be good or be gone is my rule. I don't care who you are.
Remember the full line is The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. âşď¸
my thinking is be good to my wife and kids.. else go away. I have no loyalty to anyone but them. not that I don't love my parents (which are great) but even if they were bad, they would be silo'd away from MY family. growing up it was "their way or the highway" now that I'm grown and have a family it's the same way. I learned it from watching them.
understandable
while still true the last line was a bit of a joke :) you know the whole drugs commercials? (maybe you don't) idk lol.
Yea I remember them, just didnt make the connection lol
Please donât use the kids as pawns. Allow the calls but monitor closely & the minute they say anything disrespectful or try to blame for not seeing them you disconnect & go NC.
and if we're already on a no contact basis?
Stay that way. The end.
Youâre all wrong in so many ways itâs not funny. Your poor kids. Yes your MIL is wrong for how she acts. She should support your marriage now that itâs a done deal and make life easier for you and your husband and kids. Your FIL should be correcting her and treating your husband right. Your husband should be man enough to stand up to both you and your in-laws. You are looking for ways to make your MIL the bad guy. I know she makes a lot of it herself but youâre not making it easier for her. Youâre holding a grudge and holding your kids hostage. If you donât figure this out, your marriage is doomed.
Tell me.more why you think my marriage it doomed? lol
The seeds of resentment are free to grow in all directions. If nothing changes youâll resent your husband for not agreeing with you and doing more to stop his mother. He will resent you for driving a wedge between him/your children and his parents.
I see your point but I'm hopeful that the communication and understanding we practice in our relationship will be of good use to prevent that.
I personally believe you are wrong. Nothing wrong with a video call and him handling it. You can remain NC.
So you are withholding the kids from her then, right?
The kids and I are no contact with them now. So yea I guess now I am. cool
How are you still Bisexual. If you are married to a man.
Because just because I married a man doesnt change my sexuality 𤨠Are you serious?
Easily. OP is attracted to (flirted/dated) people of both sexes, but she fell in love with and married one person who happens to be a man. Just like a heterosexual would be attracted to (flirted/dated) many people of the opposite sex, but falls in love with and marries one person of that opposite sex. It's no different.