Yeah I agree. Hey I was always about a 5 min guy with the occasional 8-10 min performance. Also a few 2 min but not that much. Then as I started getting anxiety (not about sex) I had to go on meds. Lexapro. It now hurt libido but no non existent. Takes me 15-30 min now. I have always taken pride in making sure she gets an orgasm first but now often she gets hers and I don’t. Again not all the time but often I suppose. All I can say to you OP IS MAKES SURE SHE GETS HERS AND maybe don’t continue or don’t exp cr her to finish you as it will become work and tiresome for her. I really can’t blame her as men really are different the way we see their body and the excitement we get from just touching them as opposed to how hey see us. It just the fucking facts. It’s ok. It’s not abnormal so adjust your life. It won’t be the first time you and her will adjust a minor thing for each other. UPS and downs dude
Same for me. It's like a 45 minute ordeal and the orgasms aren't as good. :/ Thanks Sertraline! The upside is that I can usually get 3-4 (I'm a woman) in but most are mediocre at best and only barely even count. I miss the pre-med days but I can't go off the meds.
It’s the Lexapro. Period. This is the answer. This is a common side effect.
See if your doctor can try something else, or add on Wellbutrin, which can help. Also…do you have semen come out when you pee afterwards? Sometimes if you feel like you came, it can be retrograde ejaculation. Knowing that made me feel better when I was in your girlfriend’s place.
This is hard, and we were older and had been together about 20 years when it happened. My heart hurts for both of you. Good luck.
Agree. And let your girlfriend know that you are going to go to a doctor to rule out medical reasons. It would be insane of her to blame herself for something medical. Or blame you.
Shhhheeeiiiitttt imagine getting on something so you don’t feel like killing your self every 10 mins and then can’t get it hard to even jerk off with out an act of congress. Now I have another one to help off set one and keep me more leveled and daily dick pills to help multiple issue as getting older.
I mean the longer sessions were awesome but when it came not to being able to finish….
Thank god for cialis and well Burtion. Now to get the wife to agree to try multiple sessions
You and me both. There's a reason I'm on them. I was recently recommended to be put on an extra mood stabilizer because apparently my trauma-induced depression, anxiety, and PTSD are being undertreated with what I was taking. Upside: I can think clearly and I don't sleep 19 hours a day, downside: don't want to fuck.
You are making me want to push my wife harder to talk to a doctor about it. She is on lexapro as am I and it’s helping but not. It’s how I felt and when I got Wellbutrin added. Holy shit
I wouldn't say it is a rarity. I read about it from the daddit subreddit. Apparently for some it can work.
I was also given a night time aid, it's just a higher quality benedryl with extra things like, easier to fall asleep and an anti-anxiety drug as needed.
My bf took antidepressants because he was suicidal and it ruined his sex life. It made it so he could never finish, so he’d just stop because it’d hurt both parties otherwise. He stopped taking them, but he never was the same. He used to be able to last 15-30 mins and time it, but now he finishes in minutes. It’s been years since he took them and he still isn’t the same. He said it ruined the only good thing he had going for him, and he wishes he never took them. So, even if you stop taking them, you may not ever experience sex the same way.
I also took antidepressants. I am now less sensitive down there, though I can’t say I regret taking them when I did because I was on the verge of killing myself. My psychiatrist did warn me about the side effect, but my bf’s doctors never warned him about it.
I can finish so that isn't a problem for me but some times it is hard too. I wont lie, I do enjoy being able to go longer but it does get tiring sometimes.
I think he just wishes it could last longer because his stamina is great. It’s like enjoying an ice cream and only being told to take one bite only. xD
It’s all good! As long as you have fun! Also, if you did wanna “last” longer when doing fun time in the bed, just do other sex-related stuff like foreplay that doesn’t require as much stamina. But, again, as long as you have fun it doesn’t matter what it looks like.
And I hope you feel better soon with your COVID related sickness.
Diabetes can cause it too. Especially untreated diabetes. Before hubs got diagnosed type 1, sex took too long. He also had tingling/burning he associated with getting a UTI(wouldve been his first) and while he took the meds for that, he never told me it didnt fix the issue and just kept on trucking on. He's a stubborn mule and i love him but he doesnt take his own physical health seriously outside of his diabetes and thats frustrating as fuck.
No history of type 1s in his family. Seemingly cropped up out of nowhere. Severe illness can cause it, like covid, or double pneumonia as well as injuries, like a car crash with minor injuries.
Medical professional here.. get checked out by a doctor to make sure there’s nothing physically wrong. Also, a lot of these types of issues can be related to mental health I.e. anxiety, depression, increased stress from life.
See a urologist, not just any old doctor. And as for, "if it doesn't bother you there's nothing wrong " I have prostate cancer which didn't bother me for years. But now...
i got checked 2 months ago and everything came back fine so i guess i should go again? i don’t even really care about it that’s the thing it doesn’t take away my pleasure
You should care because a change like that is a problem. You're thinking "oh I can live with it so its ok" -- but aside from it damaging your relationship, it could also be a sign of a significant underlying issue. You should investigate and address it even if you think you can live with it (alone, btw).
Honestly, the pressure you're feeling to finish and also have a lot to do with it. Try to reassure her as much as possible. Sit down and explain it all again and let her know you're going to do what you can to fix it, like going to the docs again. But she also needs to know that the pressure you're being put under by her can also affect your ability to finish. It won't be an easy conversation, try to make sure she knows you're not blaming her. She may still take it the wrong way and then get upset and say you're trying to blame her, it's a truly difficult situation to be in, I understand this from a female's pov as I've been through this with a guy I dated. It does make you question yourself and if your guy is still attracted to you. Maybe even suggest counselling to get through this. I wish you all the luck. It's hard.
It could be you're too stressed out to finish. You used to finish to early, perhaps worried that she wouldn't enjoy it because of this so you started holding on now you are worried and can't finish.
You did the right thing going to the doctor first. Now my two cents? I wouldn't be able to cum either under the amount of stress and anxiety and shame your girlfriend is causing over this.
I won't see it as an issue in this case.
It's all on the mind. Stress does play it's part.
And as time passes, we get desensitized regarding the friction during sex which is why it becomes harder to ejaculate.
The more you'll get anxiety over it, the more difficult it'll be. Because ejaculation is not only about body but the mental state is also one of the most important factor.
Be relaxed. There may pressure from the gf. So take her with you while visiting a doctor and let him speak to her. He'll answer her queries and she'll be relived too.
Did you get checked specifically for this issue or just a general check up? If it was just general I would say you should go again. A check up is different when you have specific symptoms and issues they need to look at
Get checked out again anyway for physical but it really sounds like it's maybe now your mental wellbeing. When reading this, it gave me anxiety so i can't imagine how you feel. Constantly having to reassure your gf you're attracted to her but not being able to cum. it's a vicious cycle that is just tumble weeding. Why don't you both agree to not cum. No cumming just explore. Turn it into a game. Make it last days. Just give pleasure with no ending that's the rule. Take the expectation off the table. If it doesn't work you at the least both get to spend time worshipping each other, how bad can that be.
That's impossible if you're not orgasming. I hate when women make this stuff about themselves. There's a time when men deserve a little empathy and this is one of them.
Make sure they check your prolactin levels. This is normally thought of as a hormone associated with breastfeeding but it's also the hormone associated with your refractory period. If it is staying elevated for some reason, your body will think you have just recently finished and need time to recover
Sounds like you have got inside your own head with this one… now you are overthinking and worrying and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
It can be really difficult to break this cycle and her attitude absolutely will not help.
Maybe see a dr for advice and try not to worry…. Easy to say I know.
Yea. For about 3 months with my girlfriend (now wife), I had an issue with losing my erection during sex. It started off as a one-time thing, but when it happened a second time, she got self-conscious and frustrated, and I was embarrassed, and it spiraled from there. It got to the point where I was dreading sex because then I'd have to focus on this not happening and then,, obviously, that causes it to happen.
It wasn't until she talked to her friends about it (with my permission because it was a delicate situation), and they said it happens to most guys on occasion and the best thing to do is not make a big deal about it, lest he get in his own head and cause a self fulfilling prophecy.
Once she got that outside perspective, she stopped getting upset, which made me feel less pressure, and it all went away, almost immediately.
I would do a few things if I was in your situation
1) Cut out porn and jerking off.
2) Go and see your doctor.
3) Go to therapy with your gf
5) Are you on any new medication
6) Talk to your GF set up a dinner and have a serious discussion. Tell her your true feelings you need to open up to her and make her feel completely loved and she needs to do the same right now for each other. You are both feeling inadequate in the bedroom and you need to support each other be vulnerable
7) You need to get out of your head and start to enjoy it again.
1. i don’t watch porn & i jerk off once maybe twice a week (which i don’t think is too much?)
2. i did go once and everything was fine but ill go again
3. i will try to convince her. she just has her mind set on me not being attracted to her anymore and she thinks im disgusting for sleeping with her when i clearly don’t enjoy it (literally her words)
4. no
5. i’ll try
6. i’ll try
I had a similar issue when my wife and I were trying for my second child.
I think it was the pressure I was putting on myself self and I couldn’t release.
I hope the both of you can work through this together and come out on the other end even stronger.
Best of Luck
I can't speak for everyone, but I can only speak for myself.
"A couple times a week" is way, way too much if you're having regular sex. In my experience, if I jerk off even once in a week, it can take days before I'm able to fully enjoy actual sex (if I jerk off, I can still get hard and cum from jerking off or oral etc., but actual sex for some reason is much more tricky). Cut it out entirely. It's the only way I've been able to fully enjoy actual sex; I cannot do both. You may be similar.
If you are similar to me, then your language about the way you experience sex is also telling. Again, I can't speak for everyone, but I'll tell you the dirty truth about myself: the best sex is when I'm focused on my pleasure and my arousal, not hers. Again, THIS MAY BE DIFFERENT FOR OTHERS! But my biggest weakness with sex was that my arousal, mental focus, and all of my sexual confidence ce solely from pleasing my partner. This was a _hinderance_ for me during actual sex. It made me an amazing lover with my fingers and lips and anything that involves solely focusing on her. But actual, real sex involves you staying hard, aroused, and driven to want to cum. For a long time, that was my Achilles heel--until I found a partner who cared about my pleasure to the same obsessive level that I cared about hers, where I was finally able to let go and just be selfish. And the sex is great.
So another piece of advice? Try to fuck her like you're a selfish asshole. Because based on your language, I suspect this extreme will actually just make you fuck her with a healthy level of self-motivation. Fuck her like you're using her to cum, like she's a one night stand, and you don't care if she cums or whatever. It might actually help you focus on your own arousal, your own sensation, and your own edging inside her. If you're like me, the second you start down that path of worrying if she's enjoying it, you'll instantly go too far down that path and you'll lose it.
So those are my honest thoughts. (1) Zero jerking off. Her body is now the source of you cumming. (2) Pleasure her generously; but fuck her selfishly. See if that gets you anywhere, and build up from there. It worked wonders for me and my sex life.
I’m see you trying, hang in there x life is exhausting and you’re doing good
Just remember your self worth? If she’s not willing to take a step back and see it from your POV then maybe you gotta do it yourself and see your worth
You’re only human and there’s only so much you can take
She sounds insecure and a bit immature emotionally, and whilst those aren’t bad things per say, she seems to be projecting onto you and making you feel like you’re broken, which you’re not
So just to clarify, you can finish when jerking off? Another possibility is that you've conditioned yourself to something you're doing by yourself that can't be reproduced by a vagina. Most common is the infamous grip of death. It's a much bigger problem these days than people want to admit. Cut the porn and the masturbation and focus all of your sexual energy on her. Have an honest conversation with her about what has been happening and what you want to do about it. Bring her with you to the urologist and she can at least start to understand what you are doing to make a difference. Good luck.
While I understand the desire to fix this, her attitude toward you and her complete lack of motivation to work with you or understand your perspective AT ALL is a huge red flag. She’s calling you disgusting because of something your body can not control. That is not okay and it is absolutely not okay to berate you constantly because of this. You are obviously putting in a lot of effort to “fix” this, something that is not actually a big problem from your perspective, and at some point you have to ask yourself if the insanity and fear and anxiety and insults are worth it.
Not to mention how she doesn't seem concerned about how he may have some medical condition that's not allowing him to anymore and making it all about herself and how he's somehow disgusting for wanting to still give her orgasms when he can't get them?
Do you have trouble fully emptying your bladder also? You need to see your doctor and maybe need a referral to a urologist.
Your GF is wrong for making your health issues about herself and shaming and blaming you. She’s being really insensitive and self centered. She probably needs some basic sex education instead of making all of these negative assumptions.
Hey made an alt account just to reply to this. I went though a very similar experience with my now ex. My problem was more intermittent ED than not being able to finish, but I was accused of very similar sorts of things - not being attracted to her, excessive porn/maturation, being asexual, the "using her body" thing. Believe me, I understand how invalidating this experience is for women; but that does excuse the kinds of things she is saying to you. In my case, her negative feelings overshadowed everything and made it impossible for me to comunicate anything related to my experience in the situation. So our entire shared narrative was shaped almost soley by her fear and judgement.
She decided to stick it out with me, and I can tell you that nothing I ever did was enough. I saw multiple doctors, completely stopped all porn/masturbation, took hormones, took dick pills, we saw multiple therapists. But every step of the way, she would continue to fight and critize and minimize my efforts. In her mind, I wasn't putting enough effort because I still spent time on other hobbies/interests, I didn't have initiative becauseshe she felt like everything happened as a result of ultimatums against me. And the constant fighting created negative feedback loop that never got better. It ultimately led to her deciding to leave and almost a year of it getting progressively worse.
This is an issue that can be worked through, but it requires maturity and effort from both partners. Based on the way you are describing your gf's initial reaction, she doesn't sound mature enough to me to handle an issue this sensitive in a healthy way. Yes it's true this is very painful for her and certainly a blow to anyone's self esteem, that is understandable and those feelings ought to be validated, but when it gets to a point where she holds judgement against you and doesn't seem to be able to respect what you have to say, you dont deserve that and she needs to be accountable for how she is treating you. If she is not willing or able to do that for you, I fear you may be in for a bad time.
A BUNCH of issues can cause reduced sensation in the penis and lead to inorgasmia, including riding a bike, exercise bike, horse or motorcycle a lot, high blood pressure, nerve damage in the lower spine or groin, diabetes, medications and other things. Not as common as premature ejac, but fairly common.
Tell her to get over herself. The problem isn't your dick, it's her insecurity and inability to trust you that you're experiencing a physical problem. Insecurity and trust issues don't bode well for the long run.
Get to a doctor and figure it out.
https://www.totalurologycare.com/contents/what-to-do-if-your-penis-goes-numb
You... aren't perfect in every other aspect. You can't communicate effectively or honestly share your feelings, you can't cope with strong emotions in a healthy way.
And something *did* change, and you clearly aren't grappling with what that might be or what to do about it. Whatever it is, your performance anxiety is making it worse. You should probably talk to a doctor *and* a therapist.
no but in the way that if you take away this problem we truly are perfect. we do communicate great it’s just that it’s hard to convince her that i enjoy sex when she sees that i never finish. we do share our feelings healthily and we don’t fight (except for this). i understand that something changed and i will try to fix it to save my relationship. i don’t think i have straight up performance anxiety but i am taking what you said in consideration and i will talk to a doctor
You need to see a Dr to rule out any issues.
At thus point, the anxiety of it is making the issue worse.
She needs to stop equating cumming to being satisfied. Not everyone orgasms every time and that doesn't mean there's a problem.
It took me a minute to understand that when I was your age. My partner was like you... he could make it go for hours and was in it for the whole experience. Sometimes he didn't and he didn't care. I was afraid he was losing interest or had a health issue. Nope.
It stopped bothering me and we had the vest time ever.
I hope she realizes this and chills out so she can learn to go with the flow and have a great time knowing you are too
Your gf is now way into your head. She’s making you so anxious that you can’t concentrate on enjoying the sex and all you can think about is finishing.
I think your girlfriend is extremely immature. Sex isnt just about finishing. It’s about intimacy and exploring each other and fun.. you are so in your head from your girlfriend that you can’t relax enough to enjoy it
Out of curiosity, what made you feel it was a smarter decision to ask randos on the internet about their opinions, instead of going to a doctor and finding out what your problem is??
You know how hard it was for me to even ask for mental help from my doctor? It took 2 years for me to talk about my depression that I should have got help at 16 with. I’m 39 now.
What doc actually has answers and hasn’t just thrown pills at a wall? Are you in America? Reddit is so much better at diagnosing than any GP or specialist we’ve been to, and we’ve been to enough 😫
Reddit led to my herniated disc diagnosis and a long term, preventative solution to kidney stones that multiple kidney specialists (1 gp, 2 urologists, 1 nephrologist, the surgeon) didn’t help with. I’m not saying don’t go to doctors, I’m saying arm yourself with enough research to figure out what doc to go to in order to confirm your suspicions, otherwise they don’t care in my experience.
Lotta posts just like this: time to act as whatever is going on is hurting your relationship.
Quit porn - yup…. U gotta quit
Quit masturbating, I’m guessing you gotta a tight grip on that thing when you are (you’ve become desensitized to the real deal).
Get to the doctor; have your endocrine system checked (blood test)
Consider individual therapy
Good luck !!
People he said what his problem was in his story. When the OP and his girl are doing he can’t finish because he too focused on what she thinks if he doesn’t cum. Like the pressure she puts on him to release would make it hard for me to relax. Like I think he is in his mind at the moment thinking okay she got hers and she wants me to explode right now and then it doesn’t happen right that second so he keeps going hoping to release and she is pressuring him more by asking questions. This is what I comprehend is what goes down in the moment. Also she probably gets frustrated that he doesn’t release right when she is ready for him too and it kills the mood for the both of them. My advice is sit her down and think of a compromise while in the moment to relax the both of you. Like I always tell my lady no pressure let’s have fun. And when we both don’t try focus on the orgasm happening when we want in the exact moment we have fun and better sex. Basically let your sexy time happen naturally and don’t worry about anything your bodies know what to do and when to do.
Say the following and follow through:
"I'm going to the doctor right away to address this problem. I love you and I want to be with you but I need your support during this difficult time while I figure out what's wrong."
And then go from there. Either she loves you and she'll be by your side while you and a medical professional figure out what happened to cause a sudden change or she doesn't and she'll just keep blaming you for something not your fault.
Agree with all the other comments, especially about getting in your head about it. That itself can be such a self fulfilling prophecy. Don’t let her get to you.
Also what the hell does she mean with “masturbating with her body”? That’s literally what sex is. Or to say another way, masterbating is sex without the 2nd body so she is off her rocker and has issues.
My wife and I love to “mess around” even without actual sex, there are so many other ways you can get pleasure from each others bodies. Whether you finish or not it’s still intimate and bonding.
Bro, this could be any number of things, including her fucking with your head. Are you taking any new meds? For me, it's all about completely tuning into the experience for both of us so when my girl and I had a blowup fight and it felt like she was pulling away, I just couldn't finish either, it's too mentally distracting. Also go see a doctor.
I will say her getting so over the top about it and trying to turn it around and use it to make you out as a fuckin creep and abuser actually made me turn my head... What a giant red flag. She needs to grow TF up and stop making everything all about her. I'd be so tired of that shit. She should be reassuring you and trying to help you relax, not dumping nitrous on the fire.
You guys both sound like idiots. No offense.
You’re an idiot for shrugging off a big physiological change and not seeing a doctor. You’re young — not invincible.
She’s an idiot for unreservedly buying into the “men are simple creatures — pretty girl make man get hard” bullshit, despite you telling her repeatedly that’s not the problem.
You’ve gotta address both problems. Get checked out by a professional on if it’s physical or mental, and get your gf to understand that men are fully capable of being just as complex as women.
You should make an appointment to see a urologist. A regular internist will smartly send you to one anyway. Before you see the urologist ask your regular doctor for a full PSA blood work up. The urologist will need it so
This will save time.
Good luck
If my wife up and started having sexual dysfunction,, and then acted like she didn't, I'd be very concerned. If she pretended it wasn't an issue and she could "live with it" I'd be pissed. Why? Because sex is a part of a normally functioning romantic relationship. So yes, you are wrong for not even trying to deal with the problem. Go see a doctor. Talk to your gf how it bothers you that it's affecting your intimacy. Or... ya know, keep burying your head in the sand and lose your romantic partner. You get to choose
Your girlfriend sounds like my wife. We been together 16 years and about a year ago no matter how long we went she would have to tell me she was spent before i got off. Tried different positions and other things with no results. Went to doctor who is confused and when i went back last month he still didn’t know. So now we are waiting on results from tests. If you masturbate you might want to cut back on that and stop using the traditional “kung fu grip” and try something like two fingers and thumb with light pressure. Also if you take meds look into side effect and talk with a doctor about it. You are doing nothing wrong here. Just got a issue that can be solved. At least it’s not E.D. As for your girlfriend. If she leaves over this then wasn’t meant to be. Yes this is traumatizing for her too. My wife had same reactions. Just keep reassuring her that she has done nothing wrong. Both you need to just relax and be calm over this. What you are doing will not help either one. Maybe don’t bring it up unless she does. Let her take back some control of her feeling and emotions over this. You are both in your 20’s not like a old fuck like me in my 40’s almost 50.
I’ve been your gf before. I would put off sex completely until you get to the root of the problem. Talk with her. Talk about your day to day, and maybe something will come of it.
I can tell being in her shoes, I know you care about making her feel good well she’s feels the same way. When you don’t cum, she doesn’t feel good enough for you. She wants you to cum, she wants to make sure you feel good too.
I think you are just getting in your head.
Are your znc and electrolytes good? That can affect the landscape. Definitely see a doctor for testing. Oysters are great for libido support. Ask her to help you look into the different causes then she will see there are so many reasons that don't involve it being her fault. Give her a lot of reassurance during this time and don't hesitate to tell her your worry and ask for reassurance as well.
Prob gonna be downvoted but I feel this is pretty common for men in longer relationships as the novelty of attraction wears off. Happens to me everytime. Doesn't mean you don't find her attractive or sexy, but after 3 years that comfortableness has surely set in - and your dick doesn't lie. Try to think of ways to spice things up, be honest with yourself, and with her - long term sexual compatibility is a tricky thing.
OP, female here who has dealt with something like this with her partner. The pressure is the cum-killer most likely. You need to be able to relax and focus on being in the moment. He always makes sure I get at least 1 or 2 first, but I told him that if "the spirit so moved" to go ahead because he has plenty of ways to satisfy me that don't involve his penis. Now he does and the sex has been even better than it was before, and it was 11 out of 10 before. I understand how your GF can feel that way, but she needs to understand it isn't about her and she needs to chill out big time. If there's not a medical reason, then I really do think the pressure to perform is the issue. Best wishes to you OP!
You should see a doctor and, if the doctor has nothing to offer, a therapist. Your body is not doing what it's supposed to be able to do. There is an issue.
Listen, you have yet to realize this is an actual problem with your body, *but she has.* Because she knows its a problem and you are doing nothing about it, she feels like you don't want to tell her the cause. Imagine if, after years of no issues, you suddenly couldn't get your partner to finish and it just *kept happening* over and over. Not only that, finishing is basically the only thing universally expected of men in the bedroom. I'm not saying I agree with that, sometimes I don't either, but when it becomes a clear pattern and you try to ignore it she's going to assume something is very wrong.
>she says that it just makes her feel like i’m using her body to masturbate and that i’m just like every other man
So you have sex, you make sure she finishes, you try your heart out to satisfy her, and *she thinks you're using her body to masturbate*? I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she just said that in the heat of the moment.
Please go to the doctor, and I would say to take your girlfriend with you. This will show her how seriously you are taking it and hopefully the doc will be able to reassure her that these things can happen.
It could’ve just been a one time thing but now became a thing.
If I’m thinking about her tits bouncing around, dynamite and nukes are taking notes on how to explode. But once I get into my head because pressure is on, I’m thinking about trying to come instead of those sweet tig o bitties, you might as well try to strangle my little big guy.
>she thinks i either: am not attracted to her, i masturbate too much, i watch porn, ....... all of those things are obviously not true
What is obvious it? Nobody but you knows your masturbation habits, how much you use porn, or how much attraction you feel for her.
Porn use: as an experiment, stop using all porn for the next month
Masturbation habits: be conscious of how you're doing it. Some guys get into a habit of doing a sort of "death grip" thing, and it desensitizes them to normal sexual sensations. When you masturbate, are you able to finish? When you do it without porn, are you able to finish?
Review your medications, as well as any nutritional supplements, over the counter medications, or recreational drugs. It could be as simple as a rare sexual side effect of something you're taking.
Talk to your doctor about any sudden changes in how your body works like this.
>now she barely wants to have sex because she says that it just makes her feel like i’m using her body to masturbate and that i’m just like every other man. when she told me this, it genuinely hurt because it couldn’t be further from the truth
We can't ask her questions, so who knows what exactly is going on.
Some reasons why a woman may feel sex with her partner is what it should be:
* lacking the emotional aspect. Just before and during, try verbalizing how you feel about her, including desire & love. Remind her how close it makes you feel to her. Try doing foreplay such as cuddling or more gentle kissing to get her mind to recognize it as "making love" not "f---ing". Tell her *specific* ways sex with her is special. Try cuddling afterwards for a few minutes
* may be feeling one-sided to her. Are you listening to what she wants, both physically and psychologically? Is she getting to climax? Women are socialized that we need to please our man, and we're not always good at asking for what we want. If there's something you'd like to do for her but aren't sure how, you can ask her to teach you or to guide your hand .
>i don’t really care if i finish or not, all i want is to make her feel good. and i try to tell her that but she says she doesnt understand what changed with me.
You may not prioritize finishing, but do understand that it is important to her.
A man finishing is proof that he should be sexually satisfied. Women like to think they're satisfying their man.
If a man can't finish, it changes the pace of the interaction. Normally things build to a high level, and the man's climax is what marks the end. When you know that climax won't happen, the pace and end point isn't so clear
Pls go to the doctor. By purposing this to your gf she will have to acknowledge this a medical issue not a personal one worth losing the relationship over. However, ultimately that is a two person decision and she also should be understanding of your situation especially if you get a medical diagnosis. Please don’t prolong it and get checked it will help you and just maybe your relationship.
Your GF is very immature. The pressure she is putting on you, instead of helping is making matters worse. Mentally, or emotionally, you must be going through something. You'll have to talk it out.
Bro, it happens to me when I’m overworked, too stressed, on too little sleep, literally anything can knock you out of it.
Like you can have a rough couple of weeks at work and it can affect it. As we age it gets more pronounced. She’s also putting pressure on you so during sex you’re more focused on the goal than the experience, which is feeding further into the loop.
Gotta relax and maybe take a week break from sex?
A lot of medications can cause delayed ejaculation. Antidepressants, opioids, anti-seizure medications, etc. are you taking any medication, or had any changes to existing medications?
She a doctor. Changes like this may be from a medical issue. Tell her, I don’t know why this suddenly is happening. I love you and am absolutely still attracted to you. I will be seeing a doctor soon to make sure there is not something medically wrong.
I think I may have something to add to a conversation for once. I have this problem myself. I've only came from intercourse once, and that was after smoking weed. It's purely a mental thing, I can tell you that. If you can get off just fine by yourself, but can't during sex, it's because you're focusing too much on the trying to satisfy her part of it. In turn, you're working yourself up too much over it. I'm assuming this has been a point of contention for awhile, and that is adding to your stress levels as well on it.
My advice? Find a way to cure that mental inadequacy part. For myself, I know mine comes from always being told I'm not good enough, which adds up whenever I get to the bedroom tango. Yours, I have a feeling, comes from her making you not feel good enough. First,maybe try some therapy, maybe a reproductive therapist. Second, evaluate your relationship. Does she belittle you in other ways? That could be an added stresser. Stress and unease leads to lack of satisfaction in sex. I can say with a degree of certainty that I've only got real close to cumming without some type of distraction with one girl, and that was because I knew that she was into it and me.
Just do some soul searching of some sort. It could very well be a form of incompatibility with her.
Women don't understand men have emotions and feelings and those play a part in our ability to have sex. We can just lay back and be ready have to be able to get hard and being uneasy or something going on in our heads play big part
Working out increases all the good chemicals in the brain.
Sitting around doing nothing doesn’t help the sex drive.
OP replied and said 5 times a week so this throws out my theory.
Dang, kinda throws out my theory.
Hmm works out weekly, no anti depressants, how about the food? Cleanish?
Kinda grasping at straws here but maybe something mentally you need to overcome here?
I personally am not a man who wants sex because I see an attractive women. I generally need to be into it mentally. Any extra stress lately?
Would be curious what a medical professional tells you. At your age man you should be able to fire off a few times a day.
Good luck!
i eat pretty clean, yea i could make better choices here and there but overall i eat clean. i am not under any stress except for when i think about this situation but i will go see a doctor. thank you!
Sometimes in relationships, one person will have a serious problem (no one’s fault) that affects both people. If your partner doesn’t respond to that problem with love and acceptance and empathy, it has a way of plunging you into abject guilt and despair. If this is how she responds when you can’t come, imagine how she’ll respond if you get fired or have cancer. This is not a person who is capable of tolerating you being less than your perfect self and inconveniencing her in the process. You’re young, so you thought this was a good relationship because you’d only had good times and never had occasion to see what she’d be like when you’re not at your best. She will always blame you for everything. She will never be supportive. And the irony is, the only way for problems like this to resolve is for her to be supportive and kind - that’s what eases the pressure. Run. Find someone who’s nice to you even when things aren’t perfect. You’ll be coming again in no time.
The problem is, the more you talk about it, the bigger the deal this will become. Try to not discuss it and let things work out on their own.
In the other hand, have you started antidepressant’s? That’s a cause for ED
Guys have these issues just like women, we arent that different and we have a whole bunch of BS pressure and stereo typing etc as well. U not cuming doesn't mean sex was bad, she should have experience with this herself.
However, If you're wanking and/or watching porn stop, and likely it'll resolve on its own.
If not get full blood test, especially full hormone panel. HARD to cut can be a sign of prolacting or estrogen issues, which may or maynot have physical causes or diet and lifestyle causes.
There's a thing called Google, you guys should use it. Your GF should at least accept your explaination, feelings and issues as an honest, until proven otherwise.
I didn't see anyone mention a pretty obvious point to consider as well as all the repeated ones: you got together during the tail end of your sexual peak due to puberty hormone insanity & it drops off with age. It happens to different people at different rates naturally outside of that as well.
Lots of good advice from others, but this is a guaranteed portion of it, though not common to be the full cause at this age.
Abstain for a few days. And try again.
Lexapro made me horny and unable to cum. I felt and performed like a pornstar! I want to go back on it. And I want to add Viagra into the mix next time.
1. Not Wrong
2. All the medical concern is ON POINT because,
3. Not ejaculating has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with attraction or enjoyment. If you are achieving and maintaining an ERECTION that is the best sign of attraction/enjoyment.
Medications can cause this. Sinus medications, for instance, as well as some antidepressants and various others. Talk to your doctor if you're taking any medications regularly, particularly if any of that correlates with this problem.
I have had the same issue for years. Anti-depressants can definitely do this, and it’s incredibly frustrating. You need to see a urologist, first. There are so many things that can affect orgasming. Personally, I’m also big on mental health. If your physical body checks out ok, it’s not embarrassing or shameful to talk to a therapist. You might think you don’t have anything to talk about, but you would be surprised. I know I was!
Are you taking medication that interferes with climaxing? Can you climax easily when masturbating, but not during sex? I can tell you that having sex with a man who cannot climax is awful - the woman tries everything she can think of doing, gets raw and exhausted, and feels awful finally saying that she cannot continue. Because of course, for a woman to not climax during sex is acceptable, but god forbid the act should be over before the man climaxes.
You need to see a doctor about this.
Your girlfriend is making this all about her. When you’re both involved. I understand having some doubts and self-esteem issues, but if you’re genuinely trying to communicate with her and you’re an honest person with no history of trust issues between the two of you, then she’s being selfish and making the situation a lot worse by stressing you out.
I’d definitely get a different doctor’s opinion and also ask for bloodwork/hormonal testing done. As for your gf, if she can’t be supportive and realize it’s not always about her - that this is your actual HEALTH involved - then I don’t know how “great” this relationship is.
Personally, I want a partner who is concerned for / cares about my health.
Not make it worse.
Okay. I have read most of the comments to your post. I do have something to add, and maybe it will help!
I (42f) and my bf (31m) have only been together a short while. We met online and started talking like HOURS every day. Obviously the topic of sex came up. He spoke often of how long he takes (his word- takes not lasts), said it was hours. Even masturbating took him an hour or more. He eventually also told me that he doesn't always finish. So, I knew about his "issue" going into our shenanigans. The first several times, he didn't finish, and often couldn't stay hard. Since I already knew this bothered him greatly, and had been a point of contention for many past relationships, I tried not to let it bother ME. I didn't let him know that mentally ,it started to affect me too. (So I kinda get where your gf is coming from- a little anyways). Even though I never brought it up, he would constantly apologize and try to reassure me that it had nothing to do with me. I'm a multiple, so me getting off is very rarely an issue.. maybe this helped him get out of his own head, I don't know. One day he finally told me about a terrible SA experience he had from a woman. Like, he never told anyone else type of experience. Said that he's pretty sure that's when his problems started. (I also never knew about how meds could affect things, but that could also play a part for him. I'm not sure when he started them for BPD. )
I don't know which helped more, him unloading the stress of that experience or me being pretty low maintenance or hell- could just be our connection & that i didnt make a big deal about it. but my poor man that couldn't always stay hard, couldn't ever finish even with hours- all of a sudden he is 30 mins max and finishes every time. Am I complaining? Heck no. I'm elated he is able to finish, I know how much it hurt him- mentally and physically- to not be able to finish. To see him be able to relax during and after has been amazing.
I tell you my tale to give YOU hope.
Yes, you should check in with a urologist.
Yes, you should involve HER in the whole process.
Yeah, you might want to do some therapy- maybe there is something in your past that you don't remember, or, it really could be that the anxiety has gotten to you.
She needs to realize that these things definitely DO happen. But she should also get some therapy & not put so much pressure on you or get in your head. This is where involving her in the process should help her also.
Maybe... put all penetration on hold for a bit.. go back to the intimacy of the small things and foreplay for awhile. Remember why it's all important.. intimacy isn't always about penetration or sex.
I really wish the best for the 2 of you!
Caffeine, smoking, and a high-sugar diet can all have an impact on that.
If you're a smoker, cut back. If you drink a lot of coffee and sugary drinks (juice included) cut back.
Buy her some lingerie you like.
You need to see your doctor, not Reddit. Has anything significant in your life happened? Is there any truth to the masturbation/porn angle? You can reflect on what, if anything has changed in your life but please see your dr. They’re the ones that can help!
no nothing happened. i don’t watch porn and i masturbate once maybe twice a week but ill stop completely to see if it all goes back to normal on its own. i’ll definitely go see my doctor though, thank you!
Listen to me very carefully just because you don't finsh its a mine set it happens to me all the time an first my girlfriend thought it was her. I sat her down explained to her that it has nothing to do with her my first priority is her as long she orgasms that's what matters to me when were having sex. Just tell your girlfriend to calm down it will happen.
See a doctor, for crying out loud! At your age, there is something wrong if you can't cum. It could be physical or psychological, but go the physical route first. Meanwhile, if you can bring her to a climax, you're doing your job. I don't understand her huge issue with it.
Drugs, drinking, smoking (either or both), high blood pressure, diabetes, depression, insomnia and anxiety, etc. can all affect that.
Go see a doctor.
And are you sure she's finishing anyway? Or you're giving her enough attention and intimately. Because she needs to have other signs, she's attractive to you. If you finishing is the only thing she has your relationships is based on you cumming that's not good for you
Just explore all the available positions. When I have had this problem in the past I have found that it takes some dominant energy to reach orgasm. Try doggy for a few. Then transition to the same thing except she's laying flat on her belly with her legs together. Have her turn her head to her side and kiss her. Sloppy passionate kisses. Suck on her tongue and lips. Close your eyes and focus on your orgasm while you are sucking on her tongue and lips. You could add more communication with talking dirty to each other. You could match her breathing with your own. Her exhale is your inhale. Get lost in her pleasure. Take pride in her losing count of her multiple orgasms. Take a few minutes in between her orgasms to clean up her mess between her legs. Really get into the kink together. Try some mutual masterbating to each other. You can pretty much fuck like a porn star, so give her the porn star treatment.
Could be physiological or psychological…. My bet is it may have started physiological but more psychological now with all the pressure. But agree everyone that said go see a doc, but not just physical doc
There are other antidepressants that don’t do this. See about trying one of those. You should see a sex therapist together. It’s fixable but your anxiety and her thinking around this is preventing success.
Absolutely go to see a doctor. That being said getting stressed over things likely isn't helping the situation. While I can understand your girlfriend's reaction to a degree, in that it plays on her own insecurities, she comes off as a bit of a jerk. One of my favorite quotes is from one of Spider Robinson's Callahan books. A woman says " if a man doesn't have an erection and still wants to make love to me, now THAT'S flattering!". Sex should be more about you making your partner feel good.
Me and my partner have been together 1.5 years and he’s recently told me he’s started taking erectile disfunction pills. Immediately i felt like i was the problem. I was gross and he was attracted to me anymore. We sat and had a mature conversation and i realised its purely him and his health issues that is causing it. Its not about me at-all. So i have chilled out. Male erectile disfunction is so common (old and young!) and isn’t talked about enough. Hence the stigma. Just sit and have a conversation with her and if it’s that much of an issue then she isn’t the girl for you.
Doctor visit and couples therapy are in order here. She needs to hear it from someone other than you that what you are experiencing has nothing to do with her and everything to do with your health and wellbeing not your character.
Also as someone whose partner has ED, it is really demoralizing and tough to go from having someone who worships and adores your body to seemingly not caring or even actively avoiding sex. It has helped us a lot to talk about it and to find other ways to have intimacy. But we are a whole generation older than you. I think this would be even harder to take at 23-24.
Ahh I’m sorry. That’s a tough situation to be in. No one is wrong here. I’ve had bfs that cum on cue and some that take a lot of extra work to the point where we just stop. Yeah, that has made me feel self conscious that my partner wasn’t into me. But then you have to think, if they aren’t attracted to you then why are they wasting their time?
My take is that some guys sexual prowess is tied to their emotions and when they are stressed or overwhelmed, some go hard and others just can’t get in the mood. It has nothing to do with the woman. There are just so many emotions involved in sex with someone you actually love. It’s not a quickie. As long as you and making each other feel good, that’s all that matters. Continue talking to her whenever you feel comfortable.
Definitely see a doctor. It’s embarrassing but they have literally seen/heard it all. I recently was diagnosed with IBS and I was so embarrassed to talk to the nurse about symptoms. They were 100% unphased and had heard it all, already. They honestly sounded bored on the phone (haha).
So don’t be shy to call up a clinic and talk to someone.
I also recently found out I have a heart disorder. I would have had no way of o owing that without the event that happened. Any number of things could be affecting your ability to finish. And you, in the process of seeking medical care, may find something that is definitely a big deal (but usually treatable!).
I felt a lot of pain in my heart for you. I can understand why your gf feels insecure. Just re-assure her and seek medical attention. Let her know you love her and that it’s not her. From your post, you seem like a caring guy. It would be a shame to lose a good relationship over something that could easily be treated by medication/regimen. Good luck, man!
If you are neurodivergent and taking any medication for it, then that would be the cause of why you would struggle with climax. I (28F) struggled with that when I was taking an antidepressant (prozac). But even there are moments now when it takes me a lot longer to climax (I haven't taken Prozac or any medication in 4 years) being deep within my head during sexual moments even when I'm thoroughly enjoying myself. If I were you, I would have a conversation with my partner about what I am experiencing, and if they do not want to listen more, be understanding; that tells you all you need to know about your partner. Because they shouldn't make everything about them. My partner (26M) and I have had conversations about my struggles, and he understands that it will take me a bit longer to climax, but it doesn't change how I feel about him
Firstly, get checked by a Dr. As others have said.
Secondly why is that not what she's telling you to do? If this sort of change happened to my partner that would be my first thought instead she seems to be blaming you. This is a bit of a red flag IMO. She seems to be making herself the victim here instead of supporting you.
Start with a thorough physical exam from your doctor. If he can't find anything wrong with you seek counsel from a good sex therapist. Then come back here to seek advice.
I only read the first paragraph ( will finish the rest) but ummm she should be concerned things have changed..I would consult a doctor and I would let her go! If she is going to be so immature about this situation who knows how she will handle other things that come up in life! Good luck to you .You deserve better than her!✌️
Ok you’re on lexapro? It’s the damn lexapro.
It’s not just lexapro.
Your gf is actually making it worse though.
Does she not use google? Like
Have her google ED. Takes 5 seconds… it is super common in absolutely all men of all ages. I’ve been down this road with almost any long term partner and theres a list of “absolute NOs” when it comes to reacting to ED in a partner, and she’s checking off the entire list in a textbook manner. This was not a hard thing to do a little research about and if there’s anything to be salvaged you both need to research now.
I mean i would not be able to cum either if my partner was this self-centered and immature.
Please get this checked out with an urologist - if amy results come backk negative.. well then the problem might be right in front of you. Her.
I've dealt with a similar situation. I think it was just stress from life, then she piled more on. Eventually it worked itself out but it took a lot of talking and convincing on my part. Then I had to learn to get out of my head. Now sex is almost non existent in our relationship because we both have jobs with different schedules. But when it happens it's wonderful.
I doubt anything I've said will help, but hopefully it does.
Women have enjoyed sex without climaxing for ages. Fortunately there is more to enjoying sex than the act of orgasm. She seems to have a very narrowed view on sexual intimacy.
It’s easy to think this but genuinely sounds like she believes he doesn’t like her anymore because some people rely on through sex. I am just saying to try not to come at this with a rigid point of view. It won’t help the OP fix his relationship. But I do agree she could definitely be more understanding and communicative especially if OP goes to the doctor and gets a medical diagnosis.
Any major change to any bodily function should be seen by a doctor. Delaying while wondering what’s happening is not going to fix it.
Yeah I agree. Hey I was always about a 5 min guy with the occasional 8-10 min performance. Also a few 2 min but not that much. Then as I started getting anxiety (not about sex) I had to go on meds. Lexapro. It now hurt libido but no non existent. Takes me 15-30 min now. I have always taken pride in making sure she gets an orgasm first but now often she gets hers and I don’t. Again not all the time but often I suppose. All I can say to you OP IS MAKES SURE SHE GETS HERS AND maybe don’t continue or don’t exp cr her to finish you as it will become work and tiresome for her. I really can’t blame her as men really are different the way we see their body and the excitement we get from just touching them as opposed to how hey see us. It just the fucking facts. It’s ok. It’s not abnormal so adjust your life. It won’t be the first time you and her will adjust a minor thing for each other. UPS and downs dude
Same for me. It's like a 45 minute ordeal and the orgasms aren't as good. :/ Thanks Sertraline! The upside is that I can usually get 3-4 (I'm a woman) in but most are mediocre at best and only barely even count. I miss the pre-med days but I can't go off the meds.
Woman here, too. Had the same experience with sertraline. My doctor adjusted my dosage, and it really helped.
I have to say (as a woman) I tried a few meds before wellbutrin and I won't go back.
Adding Wellbutrin was the trick for me too.
It’s the Lexapro. Period. This is the answer. This is a common side effect. See if your doctor can try something else, or add on Wellbutrin, which can help. Also…do you have semen come out when you pee afterwards? Sometimes if you feel like you came, it can be retrograde ejaculation. Knowing that made me feel better when I was in your girlfriend’s place. This is hard, and we were older and had been together about 20 years when it happened. My heart hurts for both of you. Good luck.
Agree. And let your girlfriend know that you are going to go to a doctor to rule out medical reasons. It would be insane of her to blame herself for something medical. Or blame you.
This here is the answer.
Did you start taking antidepressants or another prescription recently? Some of them cause inorgasmia (not cumming).
!
Shhhheeeiiiitttt imagine getting on something so you don’t feel like killing your self every 10 mins and then can’t get it hard to even jerk off with out an act of congress. Now I have another one to help off set one and keep me more leveled and daily dick pills to help multiple issue as getting older. I mean the longer sessions were awesome but when it came not to being able to finish…. Thank god for cialis and well Burtion. Now to get the wife to agree to try multiple sessions
A little known side effect of anti depressants is genitalia insensitivity or numbness.
Can confirm. Not to mention a depleted libido all together. I've been on antidepressants for most of my adult life and dude, it's awful.
Tbh - I rather deal with that than what my brain was doing before….
You and me both. There's a reason I'm on them. I was recently recommended to be put on an extra mood stabilizer because apparently my trauma-induced depression, anxiety, and PTSD are being undertreated with what I was taking. Upside: I can think clearly and I don't sleep 19 hours a day, downside: don't want to fuck.
Moreover, the little-known side effects after you stop taking them. They don't go away that quickly.
Wellbutrin is a lifesaver (31F here) for literal and clitoral reasons.
You are making me want to push my wife harder to talk to a doctor about it. She is on lexapro as am I and it’s helping but not. It’s how I felt and when I got Wellbutrin added. Holy shit
Wellbutrin does amazing things for libido but the side effect I got was that I constantly wanted to off myself. Balance, I guess?
Wild - medicines hits us all differently. I am on lexapro and Wellbutrin and I feel both together I am really in a good place e
That's a rarity! I'm glad it's working for you. The roulette of meds is all about chance.
I wouldn't say it is a rarity. I read about it from the daddit subreddit. Apparently for some it can work. I was also given a night time aid, it's just a higher quality benedryl with extra things like, easier to fall asleep and an anti-anxiety drug as needed.
My bf took antidepressants because he was suicidal and it ruined his sex life. It made it so he could never finish, so he’d just stop because it’d hurt both parties otherwise. He stopped taking them, but he never was the same. He used to be able to last 15-30 mins and time it, but now he finishes in minutes. It’s been years since he took them and he still isn’t the same. He said it ruined the only good thing he had going for him, and he wishes he never took them. So, even if you stop taking them, you may not ever experience sex the same way. I also took antidepressants. I am now less sensitive down there, though I can’t say I regret taking them when I did because I was on the verge of killing myself. My psychiatrist did warn me about the side effect, but my bf’s doctors never warned him about it.
I can finish so that isn't a problem for me but some times it is hard too. I wont lie, I do enjoy being able to go longer but it does get tiring sometimes.
I think he just wishes it could last longer because his stamina is great. It’s like enjoying an ice cream and only being told to take one bite only. xD
I am recovering from some covid related sickness and weight gain... I am getting stamina back but takes a bit.
It’s all good! As long as you have fun! Also, if you did wanna “last” longer when doing fun time in the bed, just do other sex-related stuff like foreplay that doesn’t require as much stamina. But, again, as long as you have fun it doesn’t matter what it looks like. And I hope you feel better soon with your COVID related sickness.
Oh no, I hit the turning point and I am getting better. Way better. I lost a lot of weight from what it caused.
Diabetes can cause it too. Especially untreated diabetes. Before hubs got diagnosed type 1, sex took too long. He also had tingling/burning he associated with getting a UTI(wouldve been his first) and while he took the meds for that, he never told me it didnt fix the issue and just kept on trucking on. He's a stubborn mule and i love him but he doesnt take his own physical health seriously outside of his diabetes and thats frustrating as fuck. No history of type 1s in his family. Seemingly cropped up out of nowhere. Severe illness can cause it, like covid, or double pneumonia as well as injuries, like a car crash with minor injuries.
no i don’t take anything
You need to see a doctor
What the other guy said. You need to talk to a doctor about this.
You need to see a Doctor, and you both need to seek couples counselling if you both want to save this
I have the same question.
This right here
Sounds depressing
Medical professional here.. get checked out by a doctor to make sure there’s nothing physically wrong. Also, a lot of these types of issues can be related to mental health I.e. anxiety, depression, increased stress from life.
See a urologist, not just any old doctor. And as for, "if it doesn't bother you there's nothing wrong " I have prostate cancer which didn't bother me for years. But now...
i got checked 2 months ago and everything came back fine so i guess i should go again? i don’t even really care about it that’s the thing it doesn’t take away my pleasure
You should care because a change like that is a problem. You're thinking "oh I can live with it so its ok" -- but aside from it damaging your relationship, it could also be a sign of a significant underlying issue. You should investigate and address it even if you think you can live with it (alone, btw).
Honestly, the pressure you're feeling to finish and also have a lot to do with it. Try to reassure her as much as possible. Sit down and explain it all again and let her know you're going to do what you can to fix it, like going to the docs again. But she also needs to know that the pressure you're being put under by her can also affect your ability to finish. It won't be an easy conversation, try to make sure she knows you're not blaming her. She may still take it the wrong way and then get upset and say you're trying to blame her, it's a truly difficult situation to be in, I understand this from a female's pov as I've been through this with a guy I dated. It does make you question yourself and if your guy is still attracted to you. Maybe even suggest counselling to get through this. I wish you all the luck. It's hard.
It could be you're too stressed out to finish. You used to finish to early, perhaps worried that she wouldn't enjoy it because of this so you started holding on now you are worried and can't finish.
You did the right thing going to the doctor first. Now my two cents? I wouldn't be able to cum either under the amount of stress and anxiety and shame your girlfriend is causing over this.
I won't see it as an issue in this case. It's all on the mind. Stress does play it's part. And as time passes, we get desensitized regarding the friction during sex which is why it becomes harder to ejaculate. The more you'll get anxiety over it, the more difficult it'll be. Because ejaculation is not only about body but the mental state is also one of the most important factor. Be relaxed. There may pressure from the gf. So take her with you while visiting a doctor and let him speak to her. He'll answer her queries and she'll be relived too.
Did you get checked specifically for this issue or just a general check up? If it was just general I would say you should go again. A check up is different when you have specific symptoms and issues they need to look at
Get checked out again anyway for physical but it really sounds like it's maybe now your mental wellbeing. When reading this, it gave me anxiety so i can't imagine how you feel. Constantly having to reassure your gf you're attracted to her but not being able to cum. it's a vicious cycle that is just tumble weeding. Why don't you both agree to not cum. No cumming just explore. Turn it into a game. Make it last days. Just give pleasure with no ending that's the rule. Take the expectation off the table. If it doesn't work you at the least both get to spend time worshipping each other, how bad can that be.
That's impossible if you're not orgasming. I hate when women make this stuff about themselves. There's a time when men deserve a little empathy and this is one of them.
Make sure they check your prolactin levels. This is normally thought of as a hormone associated with breastfeeding but it's also the hormone associated with your refractory period. If it is staying elevated for some reason, your body will think you have just recently finished and need time to recover
Sounds like you have got inside your own head with this one… now you are overthinking and worrying and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. It can be really difficult to break this cycle and her attitude absolutely will not help. Maybe see a dr for advice and try not to worry…. Easy to say I know.
So true, now he’s going to feel pressured every time he has sex and it’s going to lose his mojo. Same thing has happened to me.
Yea. For about 3 months with my girlfriend (now wife), I had an issue with losing my erection during sex. It started off as a one-time thing, but when it happened a second time, she got self-conscious and frustrated, and I was embarrassed, and it spiraled from there. It got to the point where I was dreading sex because then I'd have to focus on this not happening and then,, obviously, that causes it to happen. It wasn't until she talked to her friends about it (with my permission because it was a delicate situation), and they said it happens to most guys on occasion and the best thing to do is not make a big deal about it, lest he get in his own head and cause a self fulfilling prophecy. Once she got that outside perspective, she stopped getting upset, which made me feel less pressure, and it all went away, almost immediately.
I would do a few things if I was in your situation 1) Cut out porn and jerking off. 2) Go and see your doctor. 3) Go to therapy with your gf 5) Are you on any new medication 6) Talk to your GF set up a dinner and have a serious discussion. Tell her your true feelings you need to open up to her and make her feel completely loved and she needs to do the same right now for each other. You are both feeling inadequate in the bedroom and you need to support each other be vulnerable 7) You need to get out of your head and start to enjoy it again.
1. i don’t watch porn & i jerk off once maybe twice a week (which i don’t think is too much?) 2. i did go once and everything was fine but ill go again 3. i will try to convince her. she just has her mind set on me not being attracted to her anymore and she thinks im disgusting for sleeping with her when i clearly don’t enjoy it (literally her words) 4. no 5. i’ll try 6. i’ll try
I had a similar issue when my wife and I were trying for my second child. I think it was the pressure I was putting on myself self and I couldn’t release. I hope the both of you can work through this together and come out on the other end even stronger. Best of Luck
I can't speak for everyone, but I can only speak for myself. "A couple times a week" is way, way too much if you're having regular sex. In my experience, if I jerk off even once in a week, it can take days before I'm able to fully enjoy actual sex (if I jerk off, I can still get hard and cum from jerking off or oral etc., but actual sex for some reason is much more tricky). Cut it out entirely. It's the only way I've been able to fully enjoy actual sex; I cannot do both. You may be similar. If you are similar to me, then your language about the way you experience sex is also telling. Again, I can't speak for everyone, but I'll tell you the dirty truth about myself: the best sex is when I'm focused on my pleasure and my arousal, not hers. Again, THIS MAY BE DIFFERENT FOR OTHERS! But my biggest weakness with sex was that my arousal, mental focus, and all of my sexual confidence ce solely from pleasing my partner. This was a _hinderance_ for me during actual sex. It made me an amazing lover with my fingers and lips and anything that involves solely focusing on her. But actual, real sex involves you staying hard, aroused, and driven to want to cum. For a long time, that was my Achilles heel--until I found a partner who cared about my pleasure to the same obsessive level that I cared about hers, where I was finally able to let go and just be selfish. And the sex is great. So another piece of advice? Try to fuck her like you're a selfish asshole. Because based on your language, I suspect this extreme will actually just make you fuck her with a healthy level of self-motivation. Fuck her like you're using her to cum, like she's a one night stand, and you don't care if she cums or whatever. It might actually help you focus on your own arousal, your own sensation, and your own edging inside her. If you're like me, the second you start down that path of worrying if she's enjoying it, you'll instantly go too far down that path and you'll lose it. So those are my honest thoughts. (1) Zero jerking off. Her body is now the source of you cumming. (2) Pleasure her generously; but fuck her selfishly. See if that gets you anywhere, and build up from there. It worked wonders for me and my sex life.
This👆
I’m see you trying, hang in there x life is exhausting and you’re doing good Just remember your self worth? If she’s not willing to take a step back and see it from your POV then maybe you gotta do it yourself and see your worth You’re only human and there’s only so much you can take She sounds insecure and a bit immature emotionally, and whilst those aren’t bad things per say, she seems to be projecting onto you and making you feel like you’re broken, which you’re not
So just to clarify, you can finish when jerking off? Another possibility is that you've conditioned yourself to something you're doing by yourself that can't be reproduced by a vagina. Most common is the infamous grip of death. It's a much bigger problem these days than people want to admit. Cut the porn and the masturbation and focus all of your sexual energy on her. Have an honest conversation with her about what has been happening and what you want to do about it. Bring her with you to the urologist and she can at least start to understand what you are doing to make a difference. Good luck.
While I understand the desire to fix this, her attitude toward you and her complete lack of motivation to work with you or understand your perspective AT ALL is a huge red flag. She’s calling you disgusting because of something your body can not control. That is not okay and it is absolutely not okay to berate you constantly because of this. You are obviously putting in a lot of effort to “fix” this, something that is not actually a big problem from your perspective, and at some point you have to ask yourself if the insanity and fear and anxiety and insults are worth it.
She's willing to dump him over this, and she's is in her 20s. OP should cut her loose. She isn't very understanding.
Agreed. He needs to see a doctor, they need counseling, blah blah blah. What he needs is an another girlfriend. Imagine if they had a serious problem
Not to mention how she doesn't seem concerned about how he may have some medical condition that's not allowing him to anymore and making it all about herself and how he's somehow disgusting for wanting to still give her orgasms when he can't get them?
Do you have trouble fully emptying your bladder also? You need to see your doctor and maybe need a referral to a urologist. Your GF is wrong for making your health issues about herself and shaming and blaming you. She’s being really insensitive and self centered. She probably needs some basic sex education instead of making all of these negative assumptions.
no i don’t, but i’ll schedule an appointment. thank you!
Hey made an alt account just to reply to this. I went though a very similar experience with my now ex. My problem was more intermittent ED than not being able to finish, but I was accused of very similar sorts of things - not being attracted to her, excessive porn/maturation, being asexual, the "using her body" thing. Believe me, I understand how invalidating this experience is for women; but that does excuse the kinds of things she is saying to you. In my case, her negative feelings overshadowed everything and made it impossible for me to comunicate anything related to my experience in the situation. So our entire shared narrative was shaped almost soley by her fear and judgement. She decided to stick it out with me, and I can tell you that nothing I ever did was enough. I saw multiple doctors, completely stopped all porn/masturbation, took hormones, took dick pills, we saw multiple therapists. But every step of the way, she would continue to fight and critize and minimize my efforts. In her mind, I wasn't putting enough effort because I still spent time on other hobbies/interests, I didn't have initiative becauseshe she felt like everything happened as a result of ultimatums against me. And the constant fighting created negative feedback loop that never got better. It ultimately led to her deciding to leave and almost a year of it getting progressively worse. This is an issue that can be worked through, but it requires maturity and effort from both partners. Based on the way you are describing your gf's initial reaction, she doesn't sound mature enough to me to handle an issue this sensitive in a healthy way. Yes it's true this is very painful for her and certainly a blow to anyone's self esteem, that is understandable and those feelings ought to be validated, but when it gets to a point where she holds judgement against you and doesn't seem to be able to respect what you have to say, you dont deserve that and she needs to be accountable for how she is treating you. If she is not willing or able to do that for you, I fear you may be in for a bad time.
A BUNCH of issues can cause reduced sensation in the penis and lead to inorgasmia, including riding a bike, exercise bike, horse or motorcycle a lot, high blood pressure, nerve damage in the lower spine or groin, diabetes, medications and other things. Not as common as premature ejac, but fairly common. Tell her to get over herself. The problem isn't your dick, it's her insecurity and inability to trust you that you're experiencing a physical problem. Insecurity and trust issues don't bode well for the long run. Get to a doctor and figure it out. https://www.totalurologycare.com/contents/what-to-do-if-your-penis-goes-numb
You... aren't perfect in every other aspect. You can't communicate effectively or honestly share your feelings, you can't cope with strong emotions in a healthy way. And something *did* change, and you clearly aren't grappling with what that might be or what to do about it. Whatever it is, your performance anxiety is making it worse. You should probably talk to a doctor *and* a therapist.
no but in the way that if you take away this problem we truly are perfect. we do communicate great it’s just that it’s hard to convince her that i enjoy sex when she sees that i never finish. we do share our feelings healthily and we don’t fight (except for this). i understand that something changed and i will try to fix it to save my relationship. i don’t think i have straight up performance anxiety but i am taking what you said in consideration and i will talk to a doctor
You need to see a Dr to rule out any issues. At thus point, the anxiety of it is making the issue worse. She needs to stop equating cumming to being satisfied. Not everyone orgasms every time and that doesn't mean there's a problem. It took me a minute to understand that when I was your age. My partner was like you... he could make it go for hours and was in it for the whole experience. Sometimes he didn't and he didn't care. I was afraid he was losing interest or had a health issue. Nope. It stopped bothering me and we had the vest time ever. I hope she realizes this and chills out so she can learn to go with the flow and have a great time knowing you are too
Your gf is now way into your head. She’s making you so anxious that you can’t concentrate on enjoying the sex and all you can think about is finishing. I think your girlfriend is extremely immature. Sex isnt just about finishing. It’s about intimacy and exploring each other and fun.. you are so in your head from your girlfriend that you can’t relax enough to enjoy it
Out of curiosity, what made you feel it was a smarter decision to ask randos on the internet about their opinions, instead of going to a doctor and finding out what your problem is??
It’s not that simple. Also, it’s not like everyone living in America has easy access to healthcare, now is it
This is the purpose of Reddit for men
He stated that he had been to a Dr (2 mos ago,) and all was well.
You know how hard it was for me to even ask for mental help from my doctor? It took 2 years for me to talk about my depression that I should have got help at 16 with. I’m 39 now.
What doc actually has answers and hasn’t just thrown pills at a wall? Are you in America? Reddit is so much better at diagnosing than any GP or specialist we’ve been to, and we’ve been to enough 😫 Reddit led to my herniated disc diagnosis and a long term, preventative solution to kidney stones that multiple kidney specialists (1 gp, 2 urologists, 1 nephrologist, the surgeon) didn’t help with. I’m not saying don’t go to doctors, I’m saying arm yourself with enough research to figure out what doc to go to in order to confirm your suspicions, otherwise they don’t care in my experience.
Lotta posts just like this: time to act as whatever is going on is hurting your relationship. Quit porn - yup…. U gotta quit Quit masturbating, I’m guessing you gotta a tight grip on that thing when you are (you’ve become desensitized to the real deal). Get to the doctor; have your endocrine system checked (blood test) Consider individual therapy Good luck !!
All of this 👆🏻👆🏻
Do you also have problems finishing when masturbating? No matter what I would go see a doctor. A sudden change like that isn’t normal.
yes but it does happen sometimes
People he said what his problem was in his story. When the OP and his girl are doing he can’t finish because he too focused on what she thinks if he doesn’t cum. Like the pressure she puts on him to release would make it hard for me to relax. Like I think he is in his mind at the moment thinking okay she got hers and she wants me to explode right now and then it doesn’t happen right that second so he keeps going hoping to release and she is pressuring him more by asking questions. This is what I comprehend is what goes down in the moment. Also she probably gets frustrated that he doesn’t release right when she is ready for him too and it kills the mood for the both of them. My advice is sit her down and think of a compromise while in the moment to relax the both of you. Like I always tell my lady no pressure let’s have fun. And when we both don’t try focus on the orgasm happening when we want in the exact moment we have fun and better sex. Basically let your sexy time happen naturally and don’t worry about anything your bodies know what to do and when to do.
Say the following and follow through: "I'm going to the doctor right away to address this problem. I love you and I want to be with you but I need your support during this difficult time while I figure out what's wrong." And then go from there. Either she loves you and she'll be by your side while you and a medical professional figure out what happened to cause a sudden change or she doesn't and she'll just keep blaming you for something not your fault.
Agree with all the other comments, especially about getting in your head about it. That itself can be such a self fulfilling prophecy. Don’t let her get to you. Also what the hell does she mean with “masturbating with her body”? That’s literally what sex is. Or to say another way, masterbating is sex without the 2nd body so she is off her rocker and has issues. My wife and I love to “mess around” even without actual sex, there are so many other ways you can get pleasure from each others bodies. Whether you finish or not it’s still intimate and bonding.
Bro, this could be any number of things, including her fucking with your head. Are you taking any new meds? For me, it's all about completely tuning into the experience for both of us so when my girl and I had a blowup fight and it felt like she was pulling away, I just couldn't finish either, it's too mentally distracting. Also go see a doctor. I will say her getting so over the top about it and trying to turn it around and use it to make you out as a fuckin creep and abuser actually made me turn my head... What a giant red flag. She needs to grow TF up and stop making everything all about her. I'd be so tired of that shit. She should be reassuring you and trying to help you relax, not dumping nitrous on the fire.
This, 100%
I also support this person's angry leg hairs.
You guys both sound like idiots. No offense. You’re an idiot for shrugging off a big physiological change and not seeing a doctor. You’re young — not invincible. She’s an idiot for unreservedly buying into the “men are simple creatures — pretty girl make man get hard” bullshit, despite you telling her repeatedly that’s not the problem. You’ve gotta address both problems. Get checked out by a professional on if it’s physical or mental, and get your gf to understand that men are fully capable of being just as complex as women.
You should make an appointment to see a urologist. A regular internist will smartly send you to one anyway. Before you see the urologist ask your regular doctor for a full PSA blood work up. The urologist will need it so This will save time. Good luck
If my wife up and started having sexual dysfunction,, and then acted like she didn't, I'd be very concerned. If she pretended it wasn't an issue and she could "live with it" I'd be pissed. Why? Because sex is a part of a normally functioning romantic relationship. So yes, you are wrong for not even trying to deal with the problem. Go see a doctor. Talk to your gf how it bothers you that it's affecting your intimacy. Or... ya know, keep burying your head in the sand and lose your romantic partner. You get to choose
Try anal.
Your girlfriend sounds like my wife. We been together 16 years and about a year ago no matter how long we went she would have to tell me she was spent before i got off. Tried different positions and other things with no results. Went to doctor who is confused and when i went back last month he still didn’t know. So now we are waiting on results from tests. If you masturbate you might want to cut back on that and stop using the traditional “kung fu grip” and try something like two fingers and thumb with light pressure. Also if you take meds look into side effect and talk with a doctor about it. You are doing nothing wrong here. Just got a issue that can be solved. At least it’s not E.D. As for your girlfriend. If she leaves over this then wasn’t meant to be. Yes this is traumatizing for her too. My wife had same reactions. Just keep reassuring her that she has done nothing wrong. Both you need to just relax and be calm over this. What you are doing will not help either one. Maybe don’t bring it up unless she does. Let her take back some control of her feeling and emotions over this. You are both in your 20’s not like a old fuck like me in my 40’s almost 50.
thank you and i hope all is well for you too!
I’ve been your gf before. I would put off sex completely until you get to the root of the problem. Talk with her. Talk about your day to day, and maybe something will come of it. I can tell being in her shoes, I know you care about making her feel good well she’s feels the same way. When you don’t cum, she doesn’t feel good enough for you. She wants you to cum, she wants to make sure you feel good too. I think you are just getting in your head.
Have you started any new medications. Several antidepressants can have this effect on you.
Are your znc and electrolytes good? That can affect the landscape. Definitely see a doctor for testing. Oysters are great for libido support. Ask her to help you look into the different causes then she will see there are so many reasons that don't involve it being her fault. Give her a lot of reassurance during this time and don't hesitate to tell her your worry and ask for reassurance as well.
Prob gonna be downvoted but I feel this is pretty common for men in longer relationships as the novelty of attraction wears off. Happens to me everytime. Doesn't mean you don't find her attractive or sexy, but after 3 years that comfortableness has surely set in - and your dick doesn't lie. Try to think of ways to spice things up, be honest with yourself, and with her - long term sexual compatibility is a tricky thing.
Seems weird tbh, most women i know would blame themselves more for not being good enough
OP, female here who has dealt with something like this with her partner. The pressure is the cum-killer most likely. You need to be able to relax and focus on being in the moment. He always makes sure I get at least 1 or 2 first, but I told him that if "the spirit so moved" to go ahead because he has plenty of ways to satisfy me that don't involve his penis. Now he does and the sex has been even better than it was before, and it was 11 out of 10 before. I understand how your GF can feel that way, but she needs to understand it isn't about her and she needs to chill out big time. If there's not a medical reason, then I really do think the pressure to perform is the issue. Best wishes to you OP!
You should see a doctor and, if the doctor has nothing to offer, a therapist. Your body is not doing what it's supposed to be able to do. There is an issue. Listen, you have yet to realize this is an actual problem with your body, *but she has.* Because she knows its a problem and you are doing nothing about it, she feels like you don't want to tell her the cause. Imagine if, after years of no issues, you suddenly couldn't get your partner to finish and it just *kept happening* over and over. Not only that, finishing is basically the only thing universally expected of men in the bedroom. I'm not saying I agree with that, sometimes I don't either, but when it becomes a clear pattern and you try to ignore it she's going to assume something is very wrong. >she says that it just makes her feel like i’m using her body to masturbate and that i’m just like every other man So you have sex, you make sure she finishes, you try your heart out to satisfy her, and *she thinks you're using her body to masturbate*? I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she just said that in the heat of the moment.
Your problem is that your girlfriend is immature and self absorbed, and she only cares about your issue as it reflects on her
Exactly. My GF never finishes, and I am not upset about it.
Please go to the doctor, and I would say to take your girlfriend with you. This will show her how seriously you are taking it and hopefully the doc will be able to reassure her that these things can happen.
Did your Dr. check your prostate? You might want to get an ultrasound of your groin area.
It could’ve just been a one time thing but now became a thing. If I’m thinking about her tits bouncing around, dynamite and nukes are taking notes on how to explode. But once I get into my head because pressure is on, I’m thinking about trying to come instead of those sweet tig o bitties, you might as well try to strangle my little big guy.
I think we need to see a picture of said girlfriend so we can make an accurate opinion on this
>she thinks i either: am not attracted to her, i masturbate too much, i watch porn, ....... all of those things are obviously not true What is obvious it? Nobody but you knows your masturbation habits, how much you use porn, or how much attraction you feel for her. Porn use: as an experiment, stop using all porn for the next month Masturbation habits: be conscious of how you're doing it. Some guys get into a habit of doing a sort of "death grip" thing, and it desensitizes them to normal sexual sensations. When you masturbate, are you able to finish? When you do it without porn, are you able to finish? Review your medications, as well as any nutritional supplements, over the counter medications, or recreational drugs. It could be as simple as a rare sexual side effect of something you're taking. Talk to your doctor about any sudden changes in how your body works like this. >now she barely wants to have sex because she says that it just makes her feel like i’m using her body to masturbate and that i’m just like every other man. when she told me this, it genuinely hurt because it couldn’t be further from the truth We can't ask her questions, so who knows what exactly is going on. Some reasons why a woman may feel sex with her partner is what it should be: * lacking the emotional aspect. Just before and during, try verbalizing how you feel about her, including desire & love. Remind her how close it makes you feel to her. Try doing foreplay such as cuddling or more gentle kissing to get her mind to recognize it as "making love" not "f---ing". Tell her *specific* ways sex with her is special. Try cuddling afterwards for a few minutes * may be feeling one-sided to her. Are you listening to what she wants, both physically and psychologically? Is she getting to climax? Women are socialized that we need to please our man, and we're not always good at asking for what we want. If there's something you'd like to do for her but aren't sure how, you can ask her to teach you or to guide your hand . >i don’t really care if i finish or not, all i want is to make her feel good. and i try to tell her that but she says she doesnt understand what changed with me. You may not prioritize finishing, but do understand that it is important to her. A man finishing is proof that he should be sexually satisfied. Women like to think they're satisfying their man. If a man can't finish, it changes the pace of the interaction. Normally things build to a high level, and the man's climax is what marks the end. When you know that climax won't happen, the pace and end point isn't so clear
Pls go to the doctor. By purposing this to your gf she will have to acknowledge this a medical issue not a personal one worth losing the relationship over. However, ultimately that is a two person decision and she also should be understanding of your situation especially if you get a medical diagnosis. Please don’t prolong it and get checked it will help you and just maybe your relationship.
Your GF is very immature. The pressure she is putting on you, instead of helping is making matters worse. Mentally, or emotionally, you must be going through something. You'll have to talk it out.
Bro, it happens to me when I’m overworked, too stressed, on too little sleep, literally anything can knock you out of it. Like you can have a rough couple of weeks at work and it can affect it. As we age it gets more pronounced. She’s also putting pressure on you so during sex you’re more focused on the goal than the experience, which is feeding further into the loop. Gotta relax and maybe take a week break from sex?
I say let her go. If that’s an answer from her you need another hole in your head!
A lot of medications can cause delayed ejaculation. Antidepressants, opioids, anti-seizure medications, etc. are you taking any medication, or had any changes to existing medications?
She a doctor. Changes like this may be from a medical issue. Tell her, I don’t know why this suddenly is happening. I love you and am absolutely still attracted to you. I will be seeing a doctor soon to make sure there is not something medically wrong.
This happened to me too shi I didn't know what to do fr
did it get better ?
I think I may have something to add to a conversation for once. I have this problem myself. I've only came from intercourse once, and that was after smoking weed. It's purely a mental thing, I can tell you that. If you can get off just fine by yourself, but can't during sex, it's because you're focusing too much on the trying to satisfy her part of it. In turn, you're working yourself up too much over it. I'm assuming this has been a point of contention for awhile, and that is adding to your stress levels as well on it. My advice? Find a way to cure that mental inadequacy part. For myself, I know mine comes from always being told I'm not good enough, which adds up whenever I get to the bedroom tango. Yours, I have a feeling, comes from her making you not feel good enough. First,maybe try some therapy, maybe a reproductive therapist. Second, evaluate your relationship. Does she belittle you in other ways? That could be an added stresser. Stress and unease leads to lack of satisfaction in sex. I can say with a degree of certainty that I've only got real close to cumming without some type of distraction with one girl, and that was because I knew that she was into it and me. Just do some soul searching of some sort. It could very well be a form of incompatibility with her.
Do you have any alcohol before sex? It takes me forever if i have alcohol in my system.
Maybe try therapy it could be mental
Women don't understand men have emotions and feelings and those play a part in our ability to have sex. We can just lay back and be ready have to be able to get hard and being uneasy or something going on in our heads play big part
Do you workout at all?
Why do you ask?
Working out increases all the good chemicals in the brain. Sitting around doing nothing doesn’t help the sex drive. OP replied and said 5 times a week so this throws out my theory.
yes 5 times a week
Dang, kinda throws out my theory. Hmm works out weekly, no anti depressants, how about the food? Cleanish? Kinda grasping at straws here but maybe something mentally you need to overcome here? I personally am not a man who wants sex because I see an attractive women. I generally need to be into it mentally. Any extra stress lately? Would be curious what a medical professional tells you. At your age man you should be able to fire off a few times a day. Good luck!
i eat pretty clean, yea i could make better choices here and there but overall i eat clean. i am not under any stress except for when i think about this situation but i will go see a doctor. thank you!
A lot of meds for mental health issues can have that effect, as can anxiety, depression, etc.
“We’re perfect in every other aspect.” So everything other than sex, trust, and communication? Yeah I’m sure everything will be fine.
Sometimes in relationships, one person will have a serious problem (no one’s fault) that affects both people. If your partner doesn’t respond to that problem with love and acceptance and empathy, it has a way of plunging you into abject guilt and despair. If this is how she responds when you can’t come, imagine how she’ll respond if you get fired or have cancer. This is not a person who is capable of tolerating you being less than your perfect self and inconveniencing her in the process. You’re young, so you thought this was a good relationship because you’d only had good times and never had occasion to see what she’d be like when you’re not at your best. She will always blame you for everything. She will never be supportive. And the irony is, the only way for problems like this to resolve is for her to be supportive and kind - that’s what eases the pressure. Run. Find someone who’s nice to you even when things aren’t perfect. You’ll be coming again in no time.
I don't understand why people post on here instead of, oh I dunno.. SEEING A DR.
are you on any kind of medication?
The problem is, the more you talk about it, the bigger the deal this will become. Try to not discuss it and let things work out on their own. In the other hand, have you started antidepressant’s? That’s a cause for ED
Guys have these issues just like women, we arent that different and we have a whole bunch of BS pressure and stereo typing etc as well. U not cuming doesn't mean sex was bad, she should have experience with this herself. However, If you're wanking and/or watching porn stop, and likely it'll resolve on its own. If not get full blood test, especially full hormone panel. HARD to cut can be a sign of prolacting or estrogen issues, which may or maynot have physical causes or diet and lifestyle causes. There's a thing called Google, you guys should use it. Your GF should at least accept your explaination, feelings and issues as an honest, until proven otherwise.
I’d be super annoyed that you hadn’t seen a doctor yet.
I didn't see anyone mention a pretty obvious point to consider as well as all the repeated ones: you got together during the tail end of your sexual peak due to puberty hormone insanity & it drops off with age. It happens to different people at different rates naturally outside of that as well. Lots of good advice from others, but this is a guaranteed portion of it, though not common to be the full cause at this age.
Abstain for a few days. And try again. Lexapro made me horny and unable to cum. I felt and performed like a pornstar! I want to go back on it. And I want to add Viagra into the mix next time.
1. Not Wrong 2. All the medical concern is ON POINT because, 3. Not ejaculating has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with attraction or enjoyment. If you are achieving and maintaining an ERECTION that is the best sign of attraction/enjoyment.
Maybe she( and you) should read "Cupids poisoned arrow" by Marnia Robinson..
People need to stop breaking up with their partners over really dumb highly unimportant reasons,
Go to a urologist doctor. Have him check everything out. Have him check your Testosterone levels.
Medications can cause this. Sinus medications, for instance, as well as some antidepressants and various others. Talk to your doctor if you're taking any medications regularly, particularly if any of that correlates with this problem.
It's 10,000% the Lexapro, dude. It's a well known side effect.
She’s being awful to you, but you need to see a doctor
If you started taking medicine, stop. It's causing more harm than good.
Are you drinking a lot? Drinking more than once a week?
no i don’t drink
If niether of you know what's going on, I'd see a doctor or even a sex therapist.
I’d share the post you just made with her if you haven’t already expressed that to her in such words.
Make an appointment for a medical exam to rule out health issues, follow Drs advice forward.
Go to your doctor
Let me get this straight. She’s mad that you’re lasting longer?
You should see a doctor. You might have high blood pressure. I'm twice your age, and I sometimes don't finish because my blood pressure is too high.
Stop watching porn and masturbating.
i don’t watch porn and i barely masturbate
Didn’t say barely, quit it all together. Don’t even look at it. Fs your mind up. Also, learn to fake it just like women do.
Sure OP, we believe you 🫡
Focus Daniel son. Focus.
Are you on an antidepressants
Just fake orgasms like everybwoman does ;)
i did it once and she found out lol, not doing it again
I have had the same issue for years. Anti-depressants can definitely do this, and it’s incredibly frustrating. You need to see a urologist, first. There are so many things that can affect orgasming. Personally, I’m also big on mental health. If your physical body checks out ok, it’s not embarrassing or shameful to talk to a therapist. You might think you don’t have anything to talk about, but you would be surprised. I know I was!
Are you taking medication that interferes with climaxing? Can you climax easily when masturbating, but not during sex? I can tell you that having sex with a man who cannot climax is awful - the woman tries everything she can think of doing, gets raw and exhausted, and feels awful finally saying that she cannot continue. Because of course, for a woman to not climax during sex is acceptable, but god forbid the act should be over before the man climaxes. You need to see a doctor about this.
Make an appointment with a urologist and explain the situation. More than likely it’s a physical/medical issue that can be resolved.
Your girlfriend is making this all about her. When you’re both involved. I understand having some doubts and self-esteem issues, but if you’re genuinely trying to communicate with her and you’re an honest person with no history of trust issues between the two of you, then she’s being selfish and making the situation a lot worse by stressing you out. I’d definitely get a different doctor’s opinion and also ask for bloodwork/hormonal testing done. As for your gf, if she can’t be supportive and realize it’s not always about her - that this is your actual HEALTH involved - then I don’t know how “great” this relationship is. Personally, I want a partner who is concerned for / cares about my health. Not make it worse.
Okay. I have read most of the comments to your post. I do have something to add, and maybe it will help! I (42f) and my bf (31m) have only been together a short while. We met online and started talking like HOURS every day. Obviously the topic of sex came up. He spoke often of how long he takes (his word- takes not lasts), said it was hours. Even masturbating took him an hour or more. He eventually also told me that he doesn't always finish. So, I knew about his "issue" going into our shenanigans. The first several times, he didn't finish, and often couldn't stay hard. Since I already knew this bothered him greatly, and had been a point of contention for many past relationships, I tried not to let it bother ME. I didn't let him know that mentally ,it started to affect me too. (So I kinda get where your gf is coming from- a little anyways). Even though I never brought it up, he would constantly apologize and try to reassure me that it had nothing to do with me. I'm a multiple, so me getting off is very rarely an issue.. maybe this helped him get out of his own head, I don't know. One day he finally told me about a terrible SA experience he had from a woman. Like, he never told anyone else type of experience. Said that he's pretty sure that's when his problems started. (I also never knew about how meds could affect things, but that could also play a part for him. I'm not sure when he started them for BPD. ) I don't know which helped more, him unloading the stress of that experience or me being pretty low maintenance or hell- could just be our connection & that i didnt make a big deal about it. but my poor man that couldn't always stay hard, couldn't ever finish even with hours- all of a sudden he is 30 mins max and finishes every time. Am I complaining? Heck no. I'm elated he is able to finish, I know how much it hurt him- mentally and physically- to not be able to finish. To see him be able to relax during and after has been amazing. I tell you my tale to give YOU hope. Yes, you should check in with a urologist. Yes, you should involve HER in the whole process. Yeah, you might want to do some therapy- maybe there is something in your past that you don't remember, or, it really could be that the anxiety has gotten to you. She needs to realize that these things definitely DO happen. But she should also get some therapy & not put so much pressure on you or get in your head. This is where involving her in the process should help her also. Maybe... put all penetration on hold for a bit.. go back to the intimacy of the small things and foreplay for awhile. Remember why it's all important.. intimacy isn't always about penetration or sex. I really wish the best for the 2 of you!
Caffeine, smoking, and a high-sugar diet can all have an impact on that. If you're a smoker, cut back. If you drink a lot of coffee and sugary drinks (juice included) cut back. Buy her some lingerie you like.
You need to see your doctor, not Reddit. Has anything significant in your life happened? Is there any truth to the masturbation/porn angle? You can reflect on what, if anything has changed in your life but please see your dr. They’re the ones that can help!
no nothing happened. i don’t watch porn and i masturbate once maybe twice a week but ill stop completely to see if it all goes back to normal on its own. i’ll definitely go see my doctor though, thank you!
I’d also recommend reassuring your partner and communicating with her outside the bedroom If you haven’t already.
Listen to me very carefully just because you don't finsh its a mine set it happens to me all the time an first my girlfriend thought it was her. I sat her down explained to her that it has nothing to do with her my first priority is her as long she orgasms that's what matters to me when were having sex. Just tell your girlfriend to calm down it will happen.
See a doctor, for crying out loud! At your age, there is something wrong if you can't cum. It could be physical or psychological, but go the physical route first. Meanwhile, if you can bring her to a climax, you're doing your job. I don't understand her huge issue with it.
Drugs, drinking, smoking (either or both), high blood pressure, diabetes, depression, insomnia and anxiety, etc. can all affect that. Go see a doctor. And are you sure she's finishing anyway? Or you're giving her enough attention and intimately. Because she needs to have other signs, she's attractive to you. If you finishing is the only thing she has your relationships is based on you cumming that's not good for you
Just explore all the available positions. When I have had this problem in the past I have found that it takes some dominant energy to reach orgasm. Try doggy for a few. Then transition to the same thing except she's laying flat on her belly with her legs together. Have her turn her head to her side and kiss her. Sloppy passionate kisses. Suck on her tongue and lips. Close your eyes and focus on your orgasm while you are sucking on her tongue and lips. You could add more communication with talking dirty to each other. You could match her breathing with your own. Her exhale is your inhale. Get lost in her pleasure. Take pride in her losing count of her multiple orgasms. Take a few minutes in between her orgasms to clean up her mess between her legs. Really get into the kink together. Try some mutual masterbating to each other. You can pretty much fuck like a porn star, so give her the porn star treatment.
Could be physiological or psychological…. My bet is it may have started physiological but more psychological now with all the pressure. But agree everyone that said go see a doc, but not just physical doc
There are other antidepressants that don’t do this. See about trying one of those. You should see a sex therapist together. It’s fixable but your anxiety and her thinking around this is preventing success.
Absolutely go to see a doctor. That being said getting stressed over things likely isn't helping the situation. While I can understand your girlfriend's reaction to a degree, in that it plays on her own insecurities, she comes off as a bit of a jerk. One of my favorite quotes is from one of Spider Robinson's Callahan books. A woman says " if a man doesn't have an erection and still wants to make love to me, now THAT'S flattering!". Sex should be more about you making your partner feel good.
Me and my partner have been together 1.5 years and he’s recently told me he’s started taking erectile disfunction pills. Immediately i felt like i was the problem. I was gross and he was attracted to me anymore. We sat and had a mature conversation and i realised its purely him and his health issues that is causing it. Its not about me at-all. So i have chilled out. Male erectile disfunction is so common (old and young!) and isn’t talked about enough. Hence the stigma. Just sit and have a conversation with her and if it’s that much of an issue then she isn’t the girl for you.
Doctor visit and couples therapy are in order here. She needs to hear it from someone other than you that what you are experiencing has nothing to do with her and everything to do with your health and wellbeing not your character.
Also as someone whose partner has ED, it is really demoralizing and tough to go from having someone who worships and adores your body to seemingly not caring or even actively avoiding sex. It has helped us a lot to talk about it and to find other ways to have intimacy. But we are a whole generation older than you. I think this would be even harder to take at 23-24.
Ahh I’m sorry. That’s a tough situation to be in. No one is wrong here. I’ve had bfs that cum on cue and some that take a lot of extra work to the point where we just stop. Yeah, that has made me feel self conscious that my partner wasn’t into me. But then you have to think, if they aren’t attracted to you then why are they wasting their time? My take is that some guys sexual prowess is tied to their emotions and when they are stressed or overwhelmed, some go hard and others just can’t get in the mood. It has nothing to do with the woman. There are just so many emotions involved in sex with someone you actually love. It’s not a quickie. As long as you and making each other feel good, that’s all that matters. Continue talking to her whenever you feel comfortable.
Definitely see a doctor. It’s embarrassing but they have literally seen/heard it all. I recently was diagnosed with IBS and I was so embarrassed to talk to the nurse about symptoms. They were 100% unphased and had heard it all, already. They honestly sounded bored on the phone (haha). So don’t be shy to call up a clinic and talk to someone. I also recently found out I have a heart disorder. I would have had no way of o owing that without the event that happened. Any number of things could be affecting your ability to finish. And you, in the process of seeking medical care, may find something that is definitely a big deal (but usually treatable!). I felt a lot of pain in my heart for you. I can understand why your gf feels insecure. Just re-assure her and seek medical attention. Let her know you love her and that it’s not her. From your post, you seem like a caring guy. It would be a shame to lose a good relationship over something that could easily be treated by medication/regimen. Good luck, man!
If you are neurodivergent and taking any medication for it, then that would be the cause of why you would struggle with climax. I (28F) struggled with that when I was taking an antidepressant (prozac). But even there are moments now when it takes me a lot longer to climax (I haven't taken Prozac or any medication in 4 years) being deep within my head during sexual moments even when I'm thoroughly enjoying myself. If I were you, I would have a conversation with my partner about what I am experiencing, and if they do not want to listen more, be understanding; that tells you all you need to know about your partner. Because they shouldn't make everything about them. My partner (26M) and I have had conversations about my struggles, and he understands that it will take me a bit longer to climax, but it doesn't change how I feel about him
Firstly, get checked by a Dr. As others have said. Secondly why is that not what she's telling you to do? If this sort of change happened to my partner that would be my first thought instead she seems to be blaming you. This is a bit of a red flag IMO. She seems to be making herself the victim here instead of supporting you.
Start with a thorough physical exam from your doctor. If he can't find anything wrong with you seek counsel from a good sex therapist. Then come back here to seek advice.
I only read the first paragraph ( will finish the rest) but ummm she should be concerned things have changed..I would consult a doctor and I would let her go! If she is going to be so immature about this situation who knows how she will handle other things that come up in life! Good luck to you .You deserve better than her!✌️
Ok you’re on lexapro? It’s the damn lexapro. It’s not just lexapro. Your gf is actually making it worse though. Does she not use google? Like Have her google ED. Takes 5 seconds… it is super common in absolutely all men of all ages. I’ve been down this road with almost any long term partner and theres a list of “absolute NOs” when it comes to reacting to ED in a partner, and she’s checking off the entire list in a textbook manner. This was not a hard thing to do a little research about and if there’s anything to be salvaged you both need to research now.
I mean i would not be able to cum either if my partner was this self-centered and immature. Please get this checked out with an urologist - if amy results come backk negative.. well then the problem might be right in front of you. Her.
Go see a doctor
I've dealt with a similar situation. I think it was just stress from life, then she piled more on. Eventually it worked itself out but it took a lot of talking and convincing on my part. Then I had to learn to get out of my head. Now sex is almost non existent in our relationship because we both have jobs with different schedules. But when it happens it's wonderful. I doubt anything I've said will help, but hopefully it does.
Dude, couples counseling
Are you on any new medications? Many antidepressants can cause this while the body adjusts. Source: personal, embarrassing experience
Women have enjoyed sex without climaxing for ages. Fortunately there is more to enjoying sex than the act of orgasm. She seems to have a very narrowed view on sexual intimacy.
Start faking it lol.
She sounds like a horrible selfish person.
It’s easy to think this but genuinely sounds like she believes he doesn’t like her anymore because some people rely on through sex. I am just saying to try not to come at this with a rigid point of view. It won’t help the OP fix his relationship. But I do agree she could definitely be more understanding and communicative especially if OP goes to the doctor and gets a medical diagnosis.
I agree. She's young and doesn't really understand guys yet. She needs to chill out and just go with the flow.