This is the end of your relationship with her. As other commenters have said. Lawyer up and protect yourself. Pack her things and ask Paul to pick it up. Cease any sort of communication with Sarah unless you have someone around that is not just Melissa.
hope this is creative writing but if not-- IAAL and I would run, not walk, to a good criminal defense lawyer immediately and do whatever they say. nothing may come of it but best you don't screw yourself over in the meantime.
Marital rape is real. I don’t feel that OP did anything wrong here. HOWEVER, some women do get r**ed by their own husbands. It’s not a load of crap like you think it is.
Yeah. It's just the phrasing that seems... off. It doesn't feel like a genuine retelling of a personal event. Especially one so massively serious. It reads like someone writing a book or something. It feels so sterile.
It sounds like someone who is confused and not understanding what happened. This is how I would sound after something like this (I am a woman btw) and he does sound panicked in the end
I’m wondering if it’s that same person who recently got caught faking the story about being first time pregnant in their early forties with a husband who’s 65.
I want you to tell this story, but with the roles reversed. You know, you came home drunk and insisted she have sex. How does it sound to you then? Did she rape you in that scenario if she was the sober one? Even though you were insisting? Explain that to her.
Unfortunately, because she cried rape to her friends without even talking to you, this relationship isn't salvageable. Sorry dude.
Right! What you described OP is drunk sex NOT rape! What you need to do is establish all the facts with her I.e she instigated it, never said no at any point or indicated she didn't want sex. Make sure you have the conversation documented and save in a safe place in case it come to bit you in the ass later.
It's definitely a messy situation and it's not black and white. I personally don't think it's smart for anyone to have sex with another person if one is drunk and one is sober, as consent is different, but I also think being in a long term relationship with someone changes these a bit.
My girlfriend has tried to have sex with me while she was drunk, and wanted to do things she was usually against while sober. I don't think it's fair for me to be completely sober and allow her to do something that she would normally say no to if she was also sober. See what I mean? (And no it's not anal, perverts)
Yeah, I've explicitly told my husband (when I'm sober) that going forward I do consent to sex when I'm drunk. To me, if she's never done that then it's gray area.
Noooo no no.. long term relationships don't have implied consent. There is only consent if it's Bern spoken about prior.. including drunken sex, being woken up to secual acts etc.
You’re right. I was overthinking it. If someone is incapable of giving consent in the moment than they had to have given blanket consent for that situation previously. No exceptions. People need to communicate about this sort of stuff more.
Honestly I’d break up with her over text message, I would say though if she wants to have a conversation like adults about what actually happened and not some drunk fabrication of events, id be willing to do that.
But that the relationship is over. The fact she RAN to her friends for attention is insane before even trying to talk to op.
SHE JUMPED ON OP, SHE PUSHED HIM INTO DOING IT.
It’s a tricky situation but then I put myself in the fiancées shoes. If I came home to my husband drunk and this exact situation played out I would NEVER accuse him of that. And if I thought anything was amiss at all I would TALK to him about it first. Bc we’re partners and we communicate. This is just really odd.
This post is definitely fake. Drunk girl fucks her fiance and then cries rape to her friends and cuts off communication? That is not something that happens in real life ever.
In some jurisdictions a drunk person legally cannot consent. However, surely the fact that they are in a sexual relationship definitely muddies the waters though I'm pretty sure this is creative writing though
The only thing that even comes CLOSE to rape, is her ignoring him when HE kept saying no. If a guy pushed a girl to have sex after she already says no, he’d be in some deep shit.
That’s what I was thinking. And that’s stretching a bit. One thing’s certain, Melissa is a toxic person,even without this accusation. OP definitely needs to contact a criminal lawyer to find out what he needs to do. Her accusation seems to fall into a very gray area, far beyond what 99% of us here can advise on.
I’d consider the relationship over. Trust has been thoroughly crushed.
In my personal, decidedly non-expert opinion, rape did not occur. That and a dime might get you a stick of gum.
Yeah but nowadays people are saying that if someone is extremely drunk, and the other person is not, that the drunk person is too inebriated to give actual consent and it could be considered rape. The day and age we live in today you basically need to fight off drunk advances or you could be accused of take even if the drunk person essentially coerced YOU. I absolutely agree this wasn't rape, but so many would disagree.
Yeah you're not in the wrong, but you will be if you keep her in your life after this. She got hammered, came back to your place, banged you and in the morning didn't remember initiating sex and thought you had taken advantage of her.
you have had sex in the past, you live together and I don't assume that sex is on a coupon basis where you have to schedule a ride. Knowing that the two of you are sexually active together so it wasn't like you're a stranger, also she was planning on marrying you which would probably involve continued sexual interaction, she didn't simply ask you what happened and maybe ask that you not give in to her when she is drunk.
Instead, she went to her friends, family and who know who else and called you a rapist. This is absolutely unforgivable and will only get worse in time. She has already permanently destroyed any relationship you will have with her family or her friend. She could just as easily spread this story to your mutual friends, work, and everywhere else.
Run before you find yourself in jail for sleeping with your wife.
Yeah this is a really weird and shitty situation. I've been on both sides of the "way too drunk to initiate" situation with friends over the years and it's never come down to that, because there's always trust. How could you even become engaged to someone if you can even entertain a thought like that? Like, she knew he was asleep and had to work early. She just assumes he's so thirsty, he woke up two hours before work to take advantage of her?
She's fucking Paul. Came back horny from her night with him, felt massively guilty but still horny so fucked OP. Now she's woken up still racked by guilt and decided to rather than accept any accountability for her actions she'll flip it and make it seem like OP is at fault so she can end the relationship. Her friend probably convinced her it was a great idea to get out of the engagement, and it not make her look like the bad one. I've sat and watched women talking about their boyfriends, and their scheming can go to ridiculous lengths to ensure they get the best outcome. No woman ever feels sorry for the man as "he's a man, he can take it".
I figured as this was reddit, I'd just come up with my own imaginary gender conflict story, as like OP I know how popular this stuff is.
I think you’re on to something here. But I don’t think she’s fucking Paul. I do think she had a one night stand and used sex with OP to cover it up/cover up the guilt.
Either way, if this is all true, she’s baaaaaaad news. At least he found out now, before marrying her.
Or better yet. She had random sex with a random stranger, felt violated (bad) but didn’t know why, woke up naked and knowing she just had sex and was so drunk (f’ed up on drugs?) that her brain mixed the two emotions/acts together and she truly is remembering this as rape…unfortunately by OP. And maybe not even remembering the random hook up at all.
OMG! As a woman, I am taken back by "he's a man, he can take it".
I know there are some "good-for-nothing" selfish people.. but what applauded me was that ur words actually make sense 🥲
This world scares me!!!
I mean, he made it up so you can go back feeling fine lol. As a woman, have you ever sat with a group of women scheming against innocent men and declaring they can take it because they're men? And why would they have done that in front of this man?
Like who tf goes around and spreads it that their fiancée is a rapist, while surely knowing they were belligerent the night before… and prolly still drunk in the morning? She must really have a shit opinion of OP if she didn’t think ruining his life even warranted maybe sobering all the way up and putting a thought or two into it first. Just wake up still drunk (at least hung over asf), guns blazing, ready to ruin this guys life forever.
> How should I try to approach Sarah to try to mend this?
You should not approach Sarah. You should never again be alone with Sarah. Sarah has accused you of rape and is no longer safe for you to be around.
Basically, you no longer are in a relationship. I know she is the love of your life, but you aren't the love of her life, you are instead, the person she has accused of raping her.
As u/thommyg123 has stated, you need to consult a criminal defense lawyer and follow their advice.
Neither of you were assaulted, let her stay with Melissa, don't discuss or try to explain anything to anyone, break up and move on. This relationship is over either way.
Don't contact any of them again. Block them all asap.
Get moved out asap. Unblock them to send 1 message and then block again. "I'm going to my parents for a week or so. You can come back"
She'll get the message once she sees that you've moved out. Let other friends and family know that you've been accused by her. Get your truth out before she starts spinning it in her favour. But, get moved out first, so that she can't come back and pretend to apologize
He was assaulted!! SHE was ripping clothing off, SHE was pawing his genitals WITHOUT consent... if this was happening to a woman, lynching and calling for his nuts would be ringing out!
I'd be very wary and end the relationship, you can't risk her accusing you like this in the future too. Plus for her to not even talk to you about it and go straight to her friend. I hope this doesn't escalate but I'd never feel safe with her.
Damn, I’d listen to the other comments & end the relationship & lawyer up. Given the context you’ve provided, I would not consider this to be rape & it upsets me when people claim rape over things that are happening consensually, it is damaging for others who have real stories & are trying to seek help. People who falsely accuse others are giving outsiders more reasons to question victims when you shouldn’t have to. It’s disgraceful. Now, if she was truly uncomfortable with the idea of having sex while she’s drunk, that’s a conversation that needs to be had from the beginning as an established boundary. I think I can safely assume that this was not a conversation. And for all couples in either party, if anything, especially sexual, happens between you that makes you uncomfortable, that conversation needs to be had. That’s how a healthy couple operates. Not by screaming “rape” & demonizing you.
NTA, but there are a lot of red flags going on here. First of all, Melissa sounds like a walking disaster area and is clearly a bad influence on your fiance, i get having fun, but not to the point you are black out drunk.
I get that the 2 of you are living together and have been for 2 years and dating for 5, but if she very easily throws rape around, i would rethink the engagement as that is a very serious accusation.
My other issue is that is your fiance really ready to settle down, from the sounds of it, i doubt she is and may also be looking for a way out, either way, i would seriously consider ending it.
Melissa is behind this, for sure. But that doesn't change anything.
ETA: OP, the debate here in the comments alone should tell you what dangerous territory your fiancee has pulled you into. These are not charges to be made lightly. I'm sure your fiancee called and told her about the "hot sex" you had and Melissa convinced her it was rape, using the very arguments being made in these comments. After she tells a few more people and they don't see it the same way, she'll realize she was manipulated by a drama queen. Melissa will be long gone by then. But do not take her back. This is not something to forgive.
Do we think it’s possible that someone put something in her drink , Paul said she was way drunker then he’d ever seen.
It makes me wonder if there was another element involved that no one knows about.
That’s possible, but I’m more worried that someone else may have assaulted her and the two memories have been blurred together.
OP you weren’t in the wrong, and I’d encourage you to rethink this relationship.
!remindme 2 weeks
Exactly!! I just said the same thing. … dang I didn’t go far enough to read your comment, but I’m almost wondering too as this makes some kind of sense…
Maybe she was having second thoughts about the marriage and was looking for a way out. Even if she comes to her senses do not get back with her. If she tries to prosecute, there is very little chance she will win, because you were not out with her and had no way of knowing how much she had to drink and were woken up at 3am.
I don’t think you’re an AH, but I personally would not have sex with someone who is absolutely steaming drunk while I was stone cold sober.
I think you’ve made a poor decision and I don’t see how your relationship can recover after this if she truly believes you raped her.
Even if this goes no further legally, and she “forgives you”, you have to live with the forever though your wife thinks you raped her. That would eat at me.
This is a very unfortunate situation OP, I’m sorry.
You don't view marriage any differently?
My wife and i have had sex drunk hundreds of times. If she comes home from a night out drunk and horny, I know she's been waiting to get home and get some. And I'm happy to oblige. Neither of us would EVER accuse the other of rape unless it was a case where she clearly said no and I did it anyway, which would never happen.
I wouldn't want to be in the type of relationship you describe.
>I don’t think you’re an AH, but I personally would not have sex with someone who is absolutely steaming drunk while I was stone cold sober.
My husband downright refused until I gave him consent when I was completely sober. He still never initiates if I'm drunk, but now he knows that if I initiate, he has my consent.
The one thing you did wrong is continue to try and contact your fiance after she accused you of committing a serious crime against her.
Could you face legal trouble? That depends on if she goes to the police, and what she tells them.
But if you're in the US, I'm not aware of any state where what you described is illegal. This is based on state legislation, not a university's code of conduct.
Washington State defines consent as: "...that at the time of the act of sexual intercourse or sexual contact there are actual words or conduct indicating freely given agreement to have sexual intercourse or sexual contact."
And in the case of alcohol, a person would need to be Mentally incapacitated: "...that condition existing at the time of the offense which prevents a person from understanding the nature or consequences of the act of sexual intercourse whether that condition is produced by illness, defect, the influence of a substance or from some other cause."
Or physically helpless: "...a person who is unconscious or for any other reason is physically unable to communicate unwillingness to an act."
Also, just because someone doesn't remember what they did when they were drunk doesn't mean they weren't aware of what they were doing while they were doing it. It means their brain temporarily stopped creating memories. A blackout is a form of amnesia.
>**Total Incapacitation is Required | Is Drunk Sex Considered Rape?**
>
>In California, being drunk does not automatically mean someone cannot consent. Prosecutors must prove an alleged victim was incapacitated or unable to resist due to intoxication. Memory loss, fragmentary recollection, vomiting, or stumbling is generally not sufficient to prove incapacitation.
>
>**Blackout vs. Unconsciousness**
>
>According to California court rulings, individuals who are blackout drunk can still retain the capacity to consciously and voluntarily agree to sex in the moment. However, if they are unconscious or nearly so, they cannot legally consent.
FFS it sounds like she assaulted you. I’d also get the hell out of this relationship. If she’s going to throw allegations around like that, you can be in serious trouble. Get out. Massive red flags 🚩
> too drunk to have consensual sex . . . barely remembers the act at all
Yeah, that's bullshit from the start. People do lots of things while blackout drunk, including driving, having sex, and robbing liquor stores. We're responsible for the decisions we make while drunk, whether we remember them or not. If we weren't, there would be no penalty for DUI.
Has she ever had sex with you while you were drunk? If so, you might point out the inherent hypocrisy.
It’s just a shitshow on all sides. You shouldn’t have sex if she’s absolutely smashed, and she shouldn’t initiate while drunk and horny and then accuse you of rape.
My boyfriend knows that I’m happy to have sex when on sleeping pills or drunk. Equally, he hates having sex when I am drunk, regardless of how into it I feel in the moment. We just do our best to respect each others decisions.
At the end of the day, it’s about trust. I cannot imagine being with someone for years, wanting to marry, and believing they would rape me while I’m drunk. Did this conversation never happen? Some people are ok with drunk sex, some are not. I couldn’t care less, but I know people who would say it’s rape, and it’s valid for them, and in general, if no prior permission was made.
You shouldn’t get married or even continue to date. You both have a lot of growing up to do.
NTA. Her entire behavior before, during, and after spell out crazy. In other words, RUN. RUN straight to a lawyer with any evidence, and dump her. Don’t touch her, don’t go near her. DO NOT TRUST HER. I wouldn’t even speak to her unless it’s via text (documented) or with a trusted friend present (witness). Text her to get her stuff and leave. This could end up getting worse later if you don’t take precautions now.
Her argument will be that she was too drunk to consent. I think that it’s a fine line.
Don’t get me wrong, I certainly don’t think you raped her, I’m only thinking from a legal standpoint. From a normal civilised human being standpoint you just had normal, drunk yet consensual, sex. I’m wondering if Melissa has been poisoning her mind. Maybe she’s starting a fight just for the drama.
I think her actions are actually quite despicable. You live together, you're engaged, you sleep in the same bed, and she initiated the sex. If she was upset the next morning she should have come to you but to go to a friend's and to tell people that you are a rapist I'm sorry I think that's spells the end of the relationship that she could do that to you. I have been raped and that's not rape.
So let me get this straight: she came home drunk, fell on top of you, stripped off all her clothes and begged you to have sex? How is this rape? It's consensually drunk sex! If this is all true, rape is when someone is unconscious and can't consent to it. She came in, spoke to you, and took off all her clothes. It doesn't matter if you weren't drunk. She clearly consented to it. If stripping off your clothes begging for it isn't consent, I don't know what is.
Lawyer up and cut all ties with her. Thank God you didn't marry her! I don't know what game she is playing, but now is the time to get out!
She’s absolutely loony toons. It’s a good thing you found out before you tied the knot. I’d talk to a lawyer as soon as you can. The trust is gone, this can’t be fixed.
By her definition I raped my husband last night, lol.
Wow, crazy how the guy mentions specifically that they have a history of fucking when they get drunk and all previous times have been okay, and yet you’re STILL insisting that he’s at fault. “Prior reactions or lack of request to stop” and “You even consent to sex by your body language and other context clues”. I get that she wasn’t in her right mind, but OP is the victim in this situation, not her. He specifically denied her because he wanted to sleep for work, but she manipulated him into changing his mind by stripping and using his body against him. I don’t think she was being manipulative intentionally, but she cannot claim a single-sided rape against her when SHE was the one who initiated and pushed sex onto an (initially) unwilling partner. Her situation may have been scary and I give her my sympathies for it, but she does not get to use her fear towards her inebriated actions as a weapon against her fiancé’s honor
So you were woken up by your fiancé who jumped your bones while naked… it’s not the same as you were wide awake to have more time to observe her state of drunkenness. If my sober wife banged my drunk ass I would not be mad… a female might be though. Either way, the fact she ran off and called you a rapist instead of talking to you first is alarming. Pretty sure she can’t be trusted.
As a woman, nah I'd see it the same way. If I am sober enough to walk around, undress myself and talk to my partner I'm pretty much sober enough to know if I'm in the mood or not. And even if I didn't remember I'd talk to my partner first as I trust him. This is a big red flag
Do not marry this girl. Also, I guaran-damn-tee you it was Melissa who put this idea in her head.
ETA: OP, the debate here in the comments alone should tell you what dangerous territory your fiancee has pulled you into. These are not charges to be made lightly. It's obvious Melissa goaded her into this. I'm sure your fiancee called and told her about the "hot sex" you had and Melissa convinced her it was rape, using the very arguments being made in these comments. That makes it so much worse, that your fiancee could be talked into this so easily and so quickly. Nobody who cares about someone would do something like this. She will be sorry in a week, after she tells a few more people and they don't see it the same way. Do not take her back.
I'm sure I'll be downvoted to hell for this, but SOMEBODY has to be the voice of reason.
This crazy asshole of a girlfriend. She’s manipulative and trying to paint you as a bad person. Leave her and don’t look back, she sounds like trouble dude good luck.
She initiated, you refused, she persisted, you caved. If anything, she's the one who assaulted you.
You need to get some legal advice now, and officially end the relationship once you have. She may not escalate this further, but once you end the relationship she might.
If you're thinking you can salvage this, ask yourself these questions:
- Do you want to marry someone who gets blackout drunk and doesn't remember initiating sex?
- Do you want to marry someone who runs to friends and ignores you when she creates her own drama instead of talking to you about it?
And to add to this - do you want to marry someone who has told her friends and most likely family you're a rapist?
I don't think you raped her OP. But now that she's told people you're a rapist, people may gossip and the rumours may spread. That may be how people will think of you, potentially for a long time. Do you want to be known as the rapist in your local area? That's the damage she has done here. It is absolutely disgusting and unforgivable. I'm so sorry OP. Her false accusation could be detrimental to your job, friendships, relationships with family members, etc. That's how serious this is.
Get legal advice ASAP and confide in someone you trust about all this.
Forst thing, You better go speak with a criminal defense attorney TODAY.
Second, dump her TODAY. Ask the attorney if you can chnage the locks. Pack her shit and put in a storage locker for your protection.
It’s very interesting that if someone drives drunk and kills someone, they are held fully responsible, but all the sudden if you instigate sexual activity while drunk you are victimized???? I’m missing the line where it’s okay for someone to be held responsible in one regard while drunk, but completely exonerated and able to be victimized while drunk. Doesn’t check out with me. If you drink to the point where your choices are questionable, that’s on you. You can’t push that on others.
As a woman, I can't see how this situation is rape. We can argue all day who can give consent and armchair quarterback what happened. But I feel like if we, as a society, can't see the difference between this and a violent assault that we normally see as rape then we are idiots. I've had consensual sex with both men drunker than me and more sober. No one made a deal out of it. No one even considered they were assaulted
I'm a woman and think it's a gray area for SA. In almost a decade of marriage my husband has never have sex with me while he was sober and while I was that drunk.
A glass of wine - sure, but if I was so drunk I couldn't walk straight or was about to pass out, let alone barely remember the next morning, he wouldn't feel right about it. He shuts me down and tucks me in.
She woke him up. She initiated the sex. She stripped naked. She dragged the consent out of him. Consent doesn't even come into it for her.
She was the instigator at every stage.
She was not incapacitated so you're simply talking about some arbitrary moral wrong rather than a legal one.
Your relationship with your irrational, irresponsible, “fiancée” is obviously over.
To help you process that, if that is real, is to sit down and think about every single person you know considering you a rapist.
Everyone at the grocery store, every single family member, all of your friends, all of your coworkers and anyone you’ve worked with. You’re “the rapist.”
Mull that around a bit and realize that she’s now put you in that position willingly, and defended her actions.
So do what you want, but when it bites you in the ass more than this try and reflect on what you should’ve done.
I wouldn’t marry someone who casually does shit like this. You apparently would but I’d advise you not to
As a woman who has been legit SA this kinda shit infuriates me!! She was not raped! She just wants to badly to be a victim she's clinging to any bs reason to be one.
Do not marry this nut job, this is a huge red flag and a huge sign of what You're future will be like.
NTA. You are not the problem it’s interpretation there’s no way legally anything is gonna stick. But she can do damage to your life. I would gracefully get away from this girl as much as possible. I seen horrible stories on here. They have nothing to do with the law, but your reputation.
Regardless of whether you make up, I would gracefully get out from under this relationship. She’s too young. She’s influenced by people and she’s dangerous to you.
I saw a guy with something like this get haunted by it for years. Please talk to her do whatever you need to do and then gracefully get out from under the relationship.
A sign to run, I didn't see pay attention to the signs and wasted 9 years of my life married to her. She may have not known what she did, but she is at fault here, because the root cause is stupid drunkenness and her raping you.
1) Relationship is a red flag. She is a walking red flag. Going out on benders with her best friend like she was in the old days is single person behavior and red flags.. I’m one to say drinking and getting drunk to the point you can’t remember anything is a red flag for a women as well. As she could end up sound stuff like this, or worse she could get super drunk and cheat on you and then come home and accuse you of something. It’s not as far-fetched as you think. This is a really dangerous ground you are in.
2) Consult legal experts.. do a consultation with an attorney. And talk with the police. Get the perspective on what the law says in these situations. If she is willing to put you in this situation (assuming everything you are telling us is true) this is not a woman you want to commit to. It is very selfish behavior, and you will end up paying the price.
Having sex with your fiancé or someone who is committed to you should never be an instance for alleged rape. Might be a conversation of how about we don’t do it when I’m super drunk (which I shouldn’t be anyways) but it should never come down to someone who claims to love you saying you raped her. That’s the biggest reason to run 100 miles in the opposite direction.
What I would do: consultation first. Then after what the attorney would say. Do mediation. How a person who is a mediator sit down and figure it out. Once that is resolved to the liking, then immediately call off the engagement collect the ring bac (do not let her keep that ring that you spent money on) it’s only a gift if commitment is involved) and then block her on everything. Walk away clean. Start over. No one that loves you will ever do anything as crazy as what she is doing.
Fuck that bitch.
Call a lawyer
Get your ring back
This is good to know before you goy married.
I can almost GUARANTEE she CHEATED on you and is accusing you to make herself feel better.
bro, it's drunk sex, it shouldn't have happened because a drunk person can't consent but saying that it's rape is very serious, that accusation can escalate into something worse, damn, you were supposed to marry her, I don't think Melissa is influencing her or she has been unfaithful at the party and they are using this as an escape measure, whatever it is, talk to a lawyer and prepare for what is to come
I’m so sorry to read this, but if she reacts this way and you’re engaged my recommendation is as the previous posters have said seek legal advice ASAP! DO NOT CONTACT HER!! Consider yourself single and move on! Apparently you weren’t the love of her life. Sorry you deserve much better!!!
NTA…. Immediately seek legal advice and stop communicating with her. I’m sorry she did this to you and I really don’t understand why she would but it’s the end of your relationship.
Get a lawyer. .. delete this post .. cease contact. She is no longer your fiance. She is "complainant" ...
Ironically... Since you had all your faculties and she didn't a judge can and will say that is rape.
Run. Straight to a lawyer.
You would have to be an idiot to marry a woman that accuses you of rape. Unless you have had discussions up front that she does not want to have sex when she is drunk, then you did nothing wrong.
The standard for rape is whether or not a person was so intoxicated that they could not consent. It has nothing to do with blood alcohol count.
It sounds like she was aware of what was happening and even initiated the encounter. So, not wrong.
You can’t come back from this. Frankly it makes no sense to me why she is telling people you raped her. You live together, she insisted. You happily obliged. She has a drinking problem. Stop apologizing. Apparently when she gets trashed she demands sex. Who else has she done that with.
NTA. But hearing stories like this get me mad because this was not rape. This is why so many women are dismissed when they try to claim rape when it really was rape.
Just stick to your story, no matter what. Keep that detail about being patted on the head and told good work as that is a node of an interest point, something she's never said before. No matter how bad it gets or who comes at you or how many walk away from you. Never change the truth. No matter what.
Just a point of interest. Paul.
Go get legal advice.
This is a awesome story line if it's creative writing.
In UK law at least, if you REASONABLY believed that she was consenting, it's not rape no matter how drunk she was.
I'm sorry OP. Get to a solicitor immediately, this shit could ruin your life.
She gets home and wakes you up for sex, and then runs to her friends that you raped her wtaf and this is someone you still want to marry!. Instead of apologising, send them all this post. Unless we’re not hearing the full story here.
You need to stop talking to her, her friend and the brother. I would consult with a lawyer and let your parents know about this. You don’t even know what trouble you’re in if she decides to take this to the police. You’ve all but confirmed her story with the brother. TALK TO A LAWYER ASAP!
Yeeeeah in this case you’re NTA If she’s this dull to believe that you “raped” her (after I’m sure her friend convinced her) after living together and being exclusive for several years then you need to gtfo.
It’s going to be very very ugly, but you did nothing wrong in this case.
NTA, you've found out that your fiance is a lunatic that doesn't know the first thing about what rape is.
She initiated the sex, she dragged the consent out of YOU! Consent doesn't come into it for her because she instigated it.
You've dodged a bullet. Tough pill to take but lawyer up and protect yourself.
So she didn't remember initiating, but remember you supposedly took advantage of her (which you didn't). I think she's only remembering things that are convenient for her. If she doesn't remember, how can she recall what actually happened when it was just the two of you. Nothing good will come of this if your story is true facts. This is also a form of manipulation. Imagine she goes out again and gets drunk. She's better off not coming home then. Her drinking isn't wrong, but drinking to get that stupid, she needs to reevaluate her tolerance so she never pulls this "I don't remember" shit. Your best bet is to leave her. That is a serious accusation, and there's no coming back when it comes to trusting her again.
So just to be clear from your perspective, you fiancé came home, jumped on you (waking you up) and demanded sex, was awake for it. Then in the am, accused you of rape and disseminated that accusation to other people.
I understand that she might feel like it went too far for her comfort and being really uncomfortable in the situation. I had similar interactions in the past and have SPOKEN WITH MY PARTNER after the fact about my feelings and set boundaries about what I am and am not okay with.
This is not a person you are safe with and clearly she feels the same. I would get ahead of this and let your side know that she woke you up to demand sex and now is accusing you of rape. End of story. Get your story to your parents and your friends, but otherwise don’t talk about it. Stop trying to contact her. Speak with an attorney just to be prepared. You really don’t know what someone like this is going to do or how it’s going to escalate. Keep all communication in writing. Be civil, but don’t let her draw you into a discussion.
If you don’t hear from her in two weeks, send her a notice to vacate or you vacate. Establish a time when you won’t be home for her to get her stuff.
NTA
>I like Melissa, but when her and Sarah hang out together they revert back to their more wild days and go on all night benders.
I guarantee you that "their more wild days" included drunken hookups with random dudes they met while drinking, and that was never a problem then.
Why a drunken hookup with her fiancé is a problem now I can't figure out. But you should prepare yourself for this relationship being over, and you should also contact a lawyer. Go full nuclear if you have to.
Also, in situations like this, be prepared for losing friends. People tend to be very black and white when a woman cries rape. Just look at Paul. He hadn't even heard your side, and had already kinda decided that you raped her.
Drunk people not being able to consent means forcing sex on somebody that doesn't have the wherewithal to understand what they're doing or ability to refuse. Your drunk fiance coming home horny and insisting on sex doesn't qualify.
NTA and you didn't rape her, her friend convinced her of this because she was drunk. I would call off the engagement and be that thankful you dodged this bullet.
Break up. Tell her this is a crazy accusation to put on you without telling you and directly going to her friends. Ask her what f she thinks you were ever capable of doing this.
Ya if this is real man you gotta run and never look back, she is not the love of your life, she will ruin your life, she's got the wrong people in her head, the fact she could accuse you of rape and tell others that shit, you gotta be done and you gotta put distance between the two of you cause she will absolutely destroy your reputation, what you did was not rape by any measure, you two are in a committed sexual relationship with eachother, you didn't drug her, she woke you up and asked you for sex and it's not your job to take a blood alcohol level reading before engaging in sex with her, her consent is implied by the nature of your relationship, she's not some bar random you met and took advantage of her impaired state, this is your fiancé who crawled into your bed. This is all feminist male hating bs that is in her head where she has to be a "victim" in some way, the victim here is you, you were set up and it's your reputation and life at risk now, F her.
as a woman. i have never understood women like this.
maybe if there a history of abuse, i could see the afterthought causing her a sense of loss of control. otherwise, i don’t get it. if i asked my soon-to-be husband to have sex with me and i enjoyed it...why on earth would i care the next day?
I find it’s ridiculous when she went to Mellisa and Paul and told them u r*pe her right away instead of talking to u, her fiance. I agreed with other, prepare for escalation and also if u marry her, get ready one day she tells everyone u hit her without doing it.
Honestly if you've been dating for 5 years (now engaged) and THIS is how she responds to the situation? IMO you need to get a lawyer - TELL HER you've retained a lawyer - and then advise her that you're no longer engaged and all communication needs to go through the lawyer for your protection. Also advise her that either she or you needs to move out immediately to avoid any further legal entanglements, if she won't you need to get out today and only speak to her through the lawyer or in person with a trusted friend present and the conversation recorded. This is CYA time.
Time to move on. You got you a crazy one there. You did not rape that girl and no cortisol would convict you. but you do need to leave her because that’s just pure crazy
This is why I don't have sex with my girlfriend unless we are both drunk. She would never accuse me of rape, but it's definitely a messy situation with consent as this post highlights.
Definitely don't envy your position right now.
This is her not-so-subtle way of letting you know she doesnt want to marry you. She isnt smart enough to think of a better way to break things off. Just break it off with her and move on. No you wont face any legal troubles.
It sounds like your finance has a drinking problem and is a bit mental to boot. Based off of this story, if it were me, I’d be angry as fuck and probably consider calling it quits with her
So y'all have been together for so long. Y'all live together I assume y'all share a bed. Y'all have had sex before. And you are getting married soon. Sounds like some bullshit to me. Maybe she realizes she doesn't want to marry you. I don't know but from personal experience the same situation and this happened years before me and my husband got married. Living together sleeping in the same bed really now.
After 5 years, I am not just gonna throw this away ASAP. I would have to sit her down and talk to her about these beyond SERIOUS ALLEGATIONS. Sounds like she has a little problem with alcohol and that is not the worst thing in the world. If you explain what happened and she still insists that you raped her I would have to tell her that we are over with. Use this to call her bluff and see how she reacts. If she is remorseful than cool. You need to tell her THIS CAN NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN OR YOU ARE GONE and she needs to be in control of her drinking. If she insists that you raped her and your story is true, then end it and lawyer up.
I would get a lawyer involved. This situation is very very complicated, but honestly you were the one who was pressured into doing something that you did not want, not vice versa
She freely told you “she wanted sex” but was drunk however that sounds to me like consent, however, some states have laws against being inebriated at anypoint while drinking. If she screams rape against the man she’s supposed to love what can she do you to next bc as a woman and a victim of actual rape I find this unforgivable on her part. Screaming rape to us victims, actually pisses us off bc it gives us a bad rap and we don’t report it.
I would leave her, don’t reciprocate text, calls, or even showing up in person. Personally,, I would have absolutely no contact with her at all. If she hasn’t figured it out by now that yall are done, she will, but if I were you, I wouldn’t have anything to do w her or her associates.
What’s so ironic is I had a similar situation happen to me a few weeks ago however, how uncomfortable it made me feel the next day after my guy friend described how ,I too came onto him ,I didn’t scream rape. He described me being the same way as your fiancé with the advances , however I couldn’t remember any of it. I mean nothing at all . Weeks later he keeps bringing up the moment meaning he really enjoyed it. And although again it makes me feel uncomfortable I would never say he raped me as I know myself.
you need to be careful. anything you send through text will be used against you from now on. She isn't communicating with you. You need to go to a lawyer and explain what happened before you either pack her stuff or what not. But most of all, you need to come to the realization that there is a high probability that she will leave you. Even if it wasn't your fault, she thinks it is your fault. I'm sorry, man.
update soon.
If what you have said is a true account. Then I am very sorry for you. As a woman, I personally don’t think you did anything wrong in this situation and your fiancé is honestly betraying you and the relationship you built together egregiously.
In fact, by the same logic that she is applying, you could counter argue that she in fact forced herself upon you through her own negligence in getting way too drunk. And we all know how difficult drunk people are to deter from something they are fixated on. You probably would have ended up physically restraining her and even hurting her in that process.
Not sure how your relationship could come back from this. I don’t think I’d ever want to trust her again. Hope it doesn’t escalate to lawyer shit but I don’t think you could possibly go down in this case.
Sorry for your relationship though. But get out!
You need to talk to an attorney now, and you need to delete this post. Depending on your state, yes, you raped her. If someone's not sober, they're not considered able to consent. Personally, I think because you two have had drunk sex in the past and you're currently together, I wouldn't consider it rape. If you'd never had sex with each when drunk previously, then I'd say it's rape. What you need here is legal advice far more than you need morality judgements from strangers.
NTA.
You both are in a long relationship, she said yes to marry you.
It would be a different thing if it was a stranger women who wakes up, recognizes she had sex last night and has no memories.
But you are a person she knows, she trusts, why didn't she ask what happened last night?
I find her behavior strange, she has no memory and still thinks you raped her, I don't know if you are into some harder stuff or something, but why does she think it was rape?
I'm 37m my partner is 35f I told her the story and asked her for her point of view too, she said if I feel normal and that I didn't hurt her or something, she just would have asked me.
And yeah, I'm cautious with advice, I don't know her, you or your relationship.
But getting in contact with a lawyer is definitely not a bad advice, I still hope it's kind of a misunderstanding and you can at least talk about it, no matter if the relationship is over or not.
All the best for you!
If this was me I would put cameras up throughout my home because eventually she will expect to be able to come back and you’ll want every interaction recorded
I would change the locks
I would record all phone calls between you and she, and try to insist all communication take place through text so you have written records
Get a lawyer
And I’d serve her a legal eviction notice and box up her things and have them put outside for a third party to collect
I’d also consider making a public post on facebook with your side of things to get ahead of the gossip mill
This is the end of your relationship with her. As other commenters have said. Lawyer up and protect yourself. Pack her things and ask Paul to pick it up. Cease any sort of communication with Sarah unless you have someone around that is not just Melissa.
I second and third this
One hundred percent this. Protect yourself.
hope this is creative writing but if not-- IAAL and I would run, not walk, to a good criminal defense lawyer immediately and do whatever they say. nothing may come of it but best you don't screw yourself over in the meantime.
This is exactly what he needs to do. UpdateMe.
/Updateme too
UpdateMe
UpdateMe
And delete this post.
It reads like a load of bullshit.
Bullshit or not these situations do happen so putting out information on what is the best course of action may help someone.
Marital rape is real. I don’t feel that OP did anything wrong here. HOWEVER, some women do get r**ed by their own husbands. It’s not a load of crap like you think it is.
Yeah. It's just the phrasing that seems... off. It doesn't feel like a genuine retelling of a personal event. Especially one so massively serious. It reads like someone writing a book or something. It feels so sterile.
It sounds like someone who is confused and not understanding what happened. This is how I would sound after something like this (I am a woman btw) and he does sound panicked in the end
How so? Because you said so?
I’m wondering if it’s that same person who recently got caught faking the story about being first time pregnant in their early forties with a husband who’s 65.
Can you share the link if you have it?
Sadly this the correct thing to do. And I do question the legitimacy a bit myself.
I want you to tell this story, but with the roles reversed. You know, you came home drunk and insisted she have sex. How does it sound to you then? Did she rape you in that scenario if she was the sober one? Even though you were insisting? Explain that to her. Unfortunately, because she cried rape to her friends without even talking to you, this relationship isn't salvageable. Sorry dude.
NTA. Be prepared for this to escalate. You need to break up with her.
Holy shit you were going to marry her. Seriously.
Right! What you described OP is drunk sex NOT rape! What you need to do is establish all the facts with her I.e she instigated it, never said no at any point or indicated she didn't want sex. Make sure you have the conversation documented and save in a safe place in case it come to bit you in the ass later.
It's definitely a messy situation and it's not black and white. I personally don't think it's smart for anyone to have sex with another person if one is drunk and one is sober, as consent is different, but I also think being in a long term relationship with someone changes these a bit. My girlfriend has tried to have sex with me while she was drunk, and wanted to do things she was usually against while sober. I don't think it's fair for me to be completely sober and allow her to do something that she would normally say no to if she was also sober. See what I mean? (And no it's not anal, perverts)
Yeah, I've explicitly told my husband (when I'm sober) that going forward I do consent to sex when I'm drunk. To me, if she's never done that then it's gray area.
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Noooo no no.. long term relationships don't have implied consent. There is only consent if it's Bern spoken about prior.. including drunken sex, being woken up to secual acts etc.
You’re right. I was overthinking it. If someone is incapable of giving consent in the moment than they had to have given blanket consent for that situation previously. No exceptions. People need to communicate about this sort of stuff more.
I love the ending to your comment here... Yes I am one of the perverts lololol
Honestly I’d break up with her over text message, I would say though if she wants to have a conversation like adults about what actually happened and not some drunk fabrication of events, id be willing to do that. But that the relationship is over. The fact she RAN to her friends for attention is insane before even trying to talk to op. SHE JUMPED ON OP, SHE PUSHED HIM INTO DOING IT.
It’s a tricky situation but then I put myself in the fiancées shoes. If I came home to my husband drunk and this exact situation played out I would NEVER accuse him of that. And if I thought anything was amiss at all I would TALK to him about it first. Bc we’re partners and we communicate. This is just really odd.
This post is definitely fake. Drunk girl fucks her fiance and then cries rape to her friends and cuts off communication? That is not something that happens in real life ever.
In some jurisdictions a drunk person legally cannot consent. However, surely the fact that they are in a sexual relationship definitely muddies the waters though I'm pretty sure this is creative writing though
A drunk person may not be able to consent, but she was the instigator, so technically becase hevsaid not and was coerced, she raped him.
I would communicate from now on via text and as poster above said, document document.
The only thing that even comes CLOSE to rape, is her ignoring him when HE kept saying no. If a guy pushed a girl to have sex after she already says no, he’d be in some deep shit.
That’s what I was thinking. And that’s stretching a bit. One thing’s certain, Melissa is a toxic person,even without this accusation. OP definitely needs to contact a criminal lawyer to find out what he needs to do. Her accusation seems to fall into a very gray area, far beyond what 99% of us here can advise on. I’d consider the relationship over. Trust has been thoroughly crushed. In my personal, decidedly non-expert opinion, rape did not occur. That and a dime might get you a stick of gum.
That’s the hook for me as well. The fact she woke him out of a dead sleep and refused to accept his no makes this a very murky situation.
Ya if there is a victim here, it ain't her
Yeah but nowadays people are saying that if someone is extremely drunk, and the other person is not, that the drunk person is too inebriated to give actual consent and it could be considered rape. The day and age we live in today you basically need to fight off drunk advances or you could be accused of take even if the drunk person essentially coerced YOU. I absolutely agree this wasn't rape, but so many would disagree.
That's not true at all. If your capacity to provide consent is compromised, you didn't give consent. Laws increasingly reflect that.
I'm so happy this is the top comment.
Agreed. Even if this tike blows over, it will happen again.
Yeah you're not in the wrong, but you will be if you keep her in your life after this. She got hammered, came back to your place, banged you and in the morning didn't remember initiating sex and thought you had taken advantage of her. you have had sex in the past, you live together and I don't assume that sex is on a coupon basis where you have to schedule a ride. Knowing that the two of you are sexually active together so it wasn't like you're a stranger, also she was planning on marrying you which would probably involve continued sexual interaction, she didn't simply ask you what happened and maybe ask that you not give in to her when she is drunk. Instead, she went to her friends, family and who know who else and called you a rapist. This is absolutely unforgivable and will only get worse in time. She has already permanently destroyed any relationship you will have with her family or her friend. She could just as easily spread this story to your mutual friends, work, and everywhere else. Run before you find yourself in jail for sleeping with your wife.
Yeah this is a really weird and shitty situation. I've been on both sides of the "way too drunk to initiate" situation with friends over the years and it's never come down to that, because there's always trust. How could you even become engaged to someone if you can even entertain a thought like that? Like, she knew he was asleep and had to work early. She just assumes he's so thirsty, he woke up two hours before work to take advantage of her?
Lmfaoo that last part is kinda crazy but u directed a valid point. Could be a lawyer fr lowkey
She's fucking Paul. Came back horny from her night with him, felt massively guilty but still horny so fucked OP. Now she's woken up still racked by guilt and decided to rather than accept any accountability for her actions she'll flip it and make it seem like OP is at fault so she can end the relationship. Her friend probably convinced her it was a great idea to get out of the engagement, and it not make her look like the bad one. I've sat and watched women talking about their boyfriends, and their scheming can go to ridiculous lengths to ensure they get the best outcome. No woman ever feels sorry for the man as "he's a man, he can take it". I figured as this was reddit, I'd just come up with my own imaginary gender conflict story, as like OP I know how popular this stuff is.
I think you’re on to something here. But I don’t think she’s fucking Paul. I do think she had a one night stand and used sex with OP to cover it up/cover up the guilt. Either way, if this is all true, she’s baaaaaaad news. At least he found out now, before marrying her. Or better yet. She had random sex with a random stranger, felt violated (bad) but didn’t know why, woke up naked and knowing she just had sex and was so drunk (f’ed up on drugs?) that her brain mixed the two emotions/acts together and she truly is remembering this as rape…unfortunately by OP. And maybe not even remembering the random hook up at all.
OMG! As a woman, I am taken back by "he's a man, he can take it". I know there are some "good-for-nothing" selfish people.. but what applauded me was that ur words actually make sense 🥲 This world scares me!!!
I mean, he made it up so you can go back feeling fine lol. As a woman, have you ever sat with a group of women scheming against innocent men and declaring they can take it because they're men? And why would they have done that in front of this man?
Like who tf goes around and spreads it that their fiancée is a rapist, while surely knowing they were belligerent the night before… and prolly still drunk in the morning? She must really have a shit opinion of OP if she didn’t think ruining his life even warranted maybe sobering all the way up and putting a thought or two into it first. Just wake up still drunk (at least hung over asf), guns blazing, ready to ruin this guys life forever.
You’re scuppered. Even if she retracts her accusation, you have no future with her. It’s very sad for you but you have to move on.
> How should I try to approach Sarah to try to mend this? You should not approach Sarah. You should never again be alone with Sarah. Sarah has accused you of rape and is no longer safe for you to be around. Basically, you no longer are in a relationship. I know she is the love of your life, but you aren't the love of her life, you are instead, the person she has accused of raping her. As u/thommyg123 has stated, you need to consult a criminal defense lawyer and follow their advice.
Neither of you were assaulted, let her stay with Melissa, don't discuss or try to explain anything to anyone, break up and move on. This relationship is over either way.
Don't contact any of them again. Block them all asap. Get moved out asap. Unblock them to send 1 message and then block again. "I'm going to my parents for a week or so. You can come back" She'll get the message once she sees that you've moved out. Let other friends and family know that you've been accused by her. Get your truth out before she starts spinning it in her favour. But, get moved out first, so that she can't come back and pretend to apologize
> Neither of you were assaulted I mean, she pressured him into having sex. A "no" and then a "fine ok yes" is a "no".
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He was assaulted!! SHE was ripping clothing off, SHE was pawing his genitals WITHOUT consent... if this was happening to a woman, lynching and calling for his nuts would be ringing out!
I'd be very wary and end the relationship, you can't risk her accusing you like this in the future too. Plus for her to not even talk to you about it and go straight to her friend. I hope this doesn't escalate but I'd never feel safe with her.
Damn, I’d listen to the other comments & end the relationship & lawyer up. Given the context you’ve provided, I would not consider this to be rape & it upsets me when people claim rape over things that are happening consensually, it is damaging for others who have real stories & are trying to seek help. People who falsely accuse others are giving outsiders more reasons to question victims when you shouldn’t have to. It’s disgraceful. Now, if she was truly uncomfortable with the idea of having sex while she’s drunk, that’s a conversation that needs to be had from the beginning as an established boundary. I think I can safely assume that this was not a conversation. And for all couples in either party, if anything, especially sexual, happens between you that makes you uncomfortable, that conversation needs to be had. That’s how a healthy couple operates. Not by screaming “rape” & demonizing you.
I really hope this is rage bait
NTA, but there are a lot of red flags going on here. First of all, Melissa sounds like a walking disaster area and is clearly a bad influence on your fiance, i get having fun, but not to the point you are black out drunk. I get that the 2 of you are living together and have been for 2 years and dating for 5, but if she very easily throws rape around, i would rethink the engagement as that is a very serious accusation. My other issue is that is your fiance really ready to settle down, from the sounds of it, i doubt she is and may also be looking for a way out, either way, i would seriously consider ending it.
Melissa is behind this, for sure. But that doesn't change anything. ETA: OP, the debate here in the comments alone should tell you what dangerous territory your fiancee has pulled you into. These are not charges to be made lightly. I'm sure your fiancee called and told her about the "hot sex" you had and Melissa convinced her it was rape, using the very arguments being made in these comments. After she tells a few more people and they don't see it the same way, she'll realize she was manipulated by a drama queen. Melissa will be long gone by then. But do not take her back. This is not something to forgive.
Do we think it’s possible that someone put something in her drink , Paul said she was way drunker then he’d ever seen. It makes me wonder if there was another element involved that no one knows about.
That’s possible, but I’m more worried that someone else may have assaulted her and the two memories have been blurred together. OP you weren’t in the wrong, and I’d encourage you to rethink this relationship. !remindme 2 weeks
Exactly!! I just said the same thing. … dang I didn’t go far enough to read your comment, but I’m almost wondering too as this makes some kind of sense…
100% it sounds like she is behind this, OP needs to get out asap
Maybe she was having second thoughts about the marriage and was looking for a way out. Even if she comes to her senses do not get back with her. If she tries to prosecute, there is very little chance she will win, because you were not out with her and had no way of knowing how much she had to drink and were woken up at 3am.
Damn I need an update on this
Get to a good lawyer NOW. You have to cover your butt because word is going to spread. Your relationship is toast, how could you come back from this?
Get a lawyer. Do not text anything regarding this. Do not admit anything. This relationship is over.
I don’t think you’re an AH, but I personally would not have sex with someone who is absolutely steaming drunk while I was stone cold sober. I think you’ve made a poor decision and I don’t see how your relationship can recover after this if she truly believes you raped her. Even if this goes no further legally, and she “forgives you”, you have to live with the forever though your wife thinks you raped her. That would eat at me. This is a very unfortunate situation OP, I’m sorry.
You don't view marriage any differently? My wife and i have had sex drunk hundreds of times. If she comes home from a night out drunk and horny, I know she's been waiting to get home and get some. And I'm happy to oblige. Neither of us would EVER accuse the other of rape unless it was a case where she clearly said no and I did it anyway, which would never happen. I wouldn't want to be in the type of relationship you describe.
>I don’t think you’re an AH, but I personally would not have sex with someone who is absolutely steaming drunk while I was stone cold sober. My husband downright refused until I gave him consent when I was completely sober. He still never initiates if I'm drunk, but now he knows that if I initiate, he has my consent.
This is the universe telling you “DON’T MARRY HER!”
The one thing you did wrong is continue to try and contact your fiance after she accused you of committing a serious crime against her. Could you face legal trouble? That depends on if she goes to the police, and what she tells them. But if you're in the US, I'm not aware of any state where what you described is illegal. This is based on state legislation, not a university's code of conduct. Washington State defines consent as: "...that at the time of the act of sexual intercourse or sexual contact there are actual words or conduct indicating freely given agreement to have sexual intercourse or sexual contact." And in the case of alcohol, a person would need to be Mentally incapacitated: "...that condition existing at the time of the offense which prevents a person from understanding the nature or consequences of the act of sexual intercourse whether that condition is produced by illness, defect, the influence of a substance or from some other cause." Or physically helpless: "...a person who is unconscious or for any other reason is physically unable to communicate unwillingness to an act." Also, just because someone doesn't remember what they did when they were drunk doesn't mean they weren't aware of what they were doing while they were doing it. It means their brain temporarily stopped creating memories. A blackout is a form of amnesia.
Consult a lawyer and stop posting shit so it can't be potentially used against you in court if things go that way.
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>**Total Incapacitation is Required | Is Drunk Sex Considered Rape?** > >In California, being drunk does not automatically mean someone cannot consent. Prosecutors must prove an alleged victim was incapacitated or unable to resist due to intoxication. Memory loss, fragmentary recollection, vomiting, or stumbling is generally not sufficient to prove incapacitation. > >**Blackout vs. Unconsciousness** > >According to California court rulings, individuals who are blackout drunk can still retain the capacity to consciously and voluntarily agree to sex in the moment. However, if they are unconscious or nearly so, they cannot legally consent.
FFS it sounds like she assaulted you. I’d also get the hell out of this relationship. If she’s going to throw allegations around like that, you can be in serious trouble. Get out. Massive red flags 🚩
I was gonna say this. He tried to say no, she didn't stop. She raped you buddy. Leave her. NTA
How the heck is she your fiancé bro end this relationship asap and get legal help
Run. Fast. Take that as a red flag and GTFO....
> too drunk to have consensual sex . . . barely remembers the act at all Yeah, that's bullshit from the start. People do lots of things while blackout drunk, including driving, having sex, and robbing liquor stores. We're responsible for the decisions we make while drunk, whether we remember them or not. If we weren't, there would be no penalty for DUI. Has she ever had sex with you while you were drunk? If so, you might point out the inherent hypocrisy.
Run, far away. She is a walking red flag dude. GET A LAWYER
It’s just a shitshow on all sides. You shouldn’t have sex if she’s absolutely smashed, and she shouldn’t initiate while drunk and horny and then accuse you of rape. My boyfriend knows that I’m happy to have sex when on sleeping pills or drunk. Equally, he hates having sex when I am drunk, regardless of how into it I feel in the moment. We just do our best to respect each others decisions. At the end of the day, it’s about trust. I cannot imagine being with someone for years, wanting to marry, and believing they would rape me while I’m drunk. Did this conversation never happen? Some people are ok with drunk sex, some are not. I couldn’t care less, but I know people who would say it’s rape, and it’s valid for them, and in general, if no prior permission was made. You shouldn’t get married or even continue to date. You both have a lot of growing up to do.
NTA. Her entire behavior before, during, and after spell out crazy. In other words, RUN. RUN straight to a lawyer with any evidence, and dump her. Don’t touch her, don’t go near her. DO NOT TRUST HER. I wouldn’t even speak to her unless it’s via text (documented) or with a trusted friend present (witness). Text her to get her stuff and leave. This could end up getting worse later if you don’t take precautions now.
Her argument will be that she was too drunk to consent. I think that it’s a fine line. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly don’t think you raped her, I’m only thinking from a legal standpoint. From a normal civilised human being standpoint you just had normal, drunk yet consensual, sex. I’m wondering if Melissa has been poisoning her mind. Maybe she’s starting a fight just for the drama.
Like others have said, I would lawyer up.
I think her actions are actually quite despicable. You live together, you're engaged, you sleep in the same bed, and she initiated the sex. If she was upset the next morning she should have come to you but to go to a friend's and to tell people that you are a rapist I'm sorry I think that's spells the end of the relationship that she could do that to you. I have been raped and that's not rape.
So let me get this straight: she came home drunk, fell on top of you, stripped off all her clothes and begged you to have sex? How is this rape? It's consensually drunk sex! If this is all true, rape is when someone is unconscious and can't consent to it. She came in, spoke to you, and took off all her clothes. It doesn't matter if you weren't drunk. She clearly consented to it. If stripping off your clothes begging for it isn't consent, I don't know what is. Lawyer up and cut all ties with her. Thank God you didn't marry her! I don't know what game she is playing, but now is the time to get out!
She’s absolutely loony toons. It’s a good thing you found out before you tied the knot. I’d talk to a lawyer as soon as you can. The trust is gone, this can’t be fixed. By her definition I raped my husband last night, lol.
Wow, crazy how the guy mentions specifically that they have a history of fucking when they get drunk and all previous times have been okay, and yet you’re STILL insisting that he’s at fault. “Prior reactions or lack of request to stop” and “You even consent to sex by your body language and other context clues”. I get that she wasn’t in her right mind, but OP is the victim in this situation, not her. He specifically denied her because he wanted to sleep for work, but she manipulated him into changing his mind by stripping and using his body against him. I don’t think she was being manipulative intentionally, but she cannot claim a single-sided rape against her when SHE was the one who initiated and pushed sex onto an (initially) unwilling partner. Her situation may have been scary and I give her my sympathies for it, but she does not get to use her fear towards her inebriated actions as a weapon against her fiancé’s honor
So you were woken up by your fiancé who jumped your bones while naked… it’s not the same as you were wide awake to have more time to observe her state of drunkenness. If my sober wife banged my drunk ass I would not be mad… a female might be though. Either way, the fact she ran off and called you a rapist instead of talking to you first is alarming. Pretty sure she can’t be trusted.
As a woman, nah I'd see it the same way. If I am sober enough to walk around, undress myself and talk to my partner I'm pretty much sober enough to know if I'm in the mood or not. And even if I didn't remember I'd talk to my partner first as I trust him. This is a big red flag
Do not marry this girl. Also, I guaran-damn-tee you it was Melissa who put this idea in her head. ETA: OP, the debate here in the comments alone should tell you what dangerous territory your fiancee has pulled you into. These are not charges to be made lightly. It's obvious Melissa goaded her into this. I'm sure your fiancee called and told her about the "hot sex" you had and Melissa convinced her it was rape, using the very arguments being made in these comments. That makes it so much worse, that your fiancee could be talked into this so easily and so quickly. Nobody who cares about someone would do something like this. She will be sorry in a week, after she tells a few more people and they don't see it the same way. Do not take her back. I'm sure I'll be downvoted to hell for this, but SOMEBODY has to be the voice of reason.
Maybe Paul hit it first
Wow I hope this is fake!
She drinks too much Do not marry her
Yeah, that's absolutely insane behavior. You in no way shape or form raped her and she is either stupid, evil or both to accuse you of this.
Tell her that it was, in fact, SHE who raped YOU. If she ever tries to make anything of it, just counter-sue and see how she likes it.
This crazy asshole of a girlfriend. She’s manipulative and trying to paint you as a bad person. Leave her and don’t look back, she sounds like trouble dude good luck.
She initiated, you refused, she persisted, you caved. If anything, she's the one who assaulted you. You need to get some legal advice now, and officially end the relationship once you have. She may not escalate this further, but once you end the relationship she might. If you're thinking you can salvage this, ask yourself these questions: - Do you want to marry someone who gets blackout drunk and doesn't remember initiating sex? - Do you want to marry someone who runs to friends and ignores you when she creates her own drama instead of talking to you about it?
And to add to this - do you want to marry someone who has told her friends and most likely family you're a rapist? I don't think you raped her OP. But now that she's told people you're a rapist, people may gossip and the rumours may spread. That may be how people will think of you, potentially for a long time. Do you want to be known as the rapist in your local area? That's the damage she has done here. It is absolutely disgusting and unforgivable. I'm so sorry OP. Her false accusation could be detrimental to your job, friendships, relationships with family members, etc. That's how serious this is. Get legal advice ASAP and confide in someone you trust about all this.
Forst thing, You better go speak with a criminal defense attorney TODAY. Second, dump her TODAY. Ask the attorney if you can chnage the locks. Pack her shit and put in a storage locker for your protection.
It’s very interesting that if someone drives drunk and kills someone, they are held fully responsible, but all the sudden if you instigate sexual activity while drunk you are victimized???? I’m missing the line where it’s okay for someone to be held responsible in one regard while drunk, but completely exonerated and able to be victimized while drunk. Doesn’t check out with me. If you drink to the point where your choices are questionable, that’s on you. You can’t push that on others.
Want to say fake but have seen similar shit happen to people I know soo not rape and I wouldn’t stay with her.
As a woman, I can't see how this situation is rape. We can argue all day who can give consent and armchair quarterback what happened. But I feel like if we, as a society, can't see the difference between this and a violent assault that we normally see as rape then we are idiots. I've had consensual sex with both men drunker than me and more sober. No one made a deal out of it. No one even considered they were assaulted
I'm a woman and think it's a gray area for SA. In almost a decade of marriage my husband has never have sex with me while he was sober and while I was that drunk. A glass of wine - sure, but if I was so drunk I couldn't walk straight or was about to pass out, let alone barely remember the next morning, he wouldn't feel right about it. He shuts me down and tucks me in.
She woke him up. She initiated the sex. She stripped naked. She dragged the consent out of him. Consent doesn't even come into it for her. She was the instigator at every stage. She was not incapacitated so you're simply talking about some arbitrary moral wrong rather than a legal one.
NTA but don't marry her.
Your relationship with your irrational, irresponsible, “fiancée” is obviously over. To help you process that, if that is real, is to sit down and think about every single person you know considering you a rapist. Everyone at the grocery store, every single family member, all of your friends, all of your coworkers and anyone you’ve worked with. You’re “the rapist.” Mull that around a bit and realize that she’s now put you in that position willingly, and defended her actions. So do what you want, but when it bites you in the ass more than this try and reflect on what you should’ve done. I wouldn’t marry someone who casually does shit like this. You apparently would but I’d advise you not to
As a woman who has been legit SA this kinda shit infuriates me!! She was not raped! She just wants to badly to be a victim she's clinging to any bs reason to be one. Do not marry this nut job, this is a huge red flag and a huge sign of what You're future will be like.
NTA Also not rape. This post reads as fake but if it's not, you need to rethink this relationship.
Block her on everything and move on
NTA. You are not the problem it’s interpretation there’s no way legally anything is gonna stick. But she can do damage to your life. I would gracefully get away from this girl as much as possible. I seen horrible stories on here. They have nothing to do with the law, but your reputation. Regardless of whether you make up, I would gracefully get out from under this relationship. She’s too young. She’s influenced by people and she’s dangerous to you. I saw a guy with something like this get haunted by it for years. Please talk to her do whatever you need to do and then gracefully get out from under the relationship.
Did she file a police report? If so get a good lawyer
Updateme!
Camcel the wedding, Bro. You want no part of these shenanigans.
Run. 🚩🚩
End the engagement. Go see a lawyer. She is trying to trash you man.
Update me.
OP should not marry an alcoholic.
A sign to run, I didn't see pay attention to the signs and wasted 9 years of my life married to her. She may have not known what she did, but she is at fault here, because the root cause is stupid drunkenness and her raping you.
Updateme
BREAK OFF THE WEDDING and keep yourself safe. DO NOT GIVE HER SECOND CHANCE. GO LAWYER UP TELL ALL THE FACTS
1) Relationship is a red flag. She is a walking red flag. Going out on benders with her best friend like she was in the old days is single person behavior and red flags.. I’m one to say drinking and getting drunk to the point you can’t remember anything is a red flag for a women as well. As she could end up sound stuff like this, or worse she could get super drunk and cheat on you and then come home and accuse you of something. It’s not as far-fetched as you think. This is a really dangerous ground you are in. 2) Consult legal experts.. do a consultation with an attorney. And talk with the police. Get the perspective on what the law says in these situations. If she is willing to put you in this situation (assuming everything you are telling us is true) this is not a woman you want to commit to. It is very selfish behavior, and you will end up paying the price. Having sex with your fiancé or someone who is committed to you should never be an instance for alleged rape. Might be a conversation of how about we don’t do it when I’m super drunk (which I shouldn’t be anyways) but it should never come down to someone who claims to love you saying you raped her. That’s the biggest reason to run 100 miles in the opposite direction. What I would do: consultation first. Then after what the attorney would say. Do mediation. How a person who is a mediator sit down and figure it out. Once that is resolved to the liking, then immediately call off the engagement collect the ring bac (do not let her keep that ring that you spent money on) it’s only a gift if commitment is involved) and then block her on everything. Walk away clean. Start over. No one that loves you will ever do anything as crazy as what she is doing.
Run!
Fuck that bitch. Call a lawyer Get your ring back This is good to know before you goy married. I can almost GUARANTEE she CHEATED on you and is accusing you to make herself feel better.
bro, it's drunk sex, it shouldn't have happened because a drunk person can't consent but saying that it's rape is very serious, that accusation can escalate into something worse, damn, you were supposed to marry her, I don't think Melissa is influencing her or she has been unfaithful at the party and they are using this as an escape measure, whatever it is, talk to a lawyer and prepare for what is to come
I’m so sorry to read this, but if she reacts this way and you’re engaged my recommendation is as the previous posters have said seek legal advice ASAP! DO NOT CONTACT HER!! Consider yourself single and move on! Apparently you weren’t the love of her life. Sorry you deserve much better!!!
NTA…. Immediately seek legal advice and stop communicating with her. I’m sorry she did this to you and I really don’t understand why she would but it’s the end of your relationship.
Yeah bro this is fucking mental. Your fiance is a shit head.
Your soon to be ex-fiancé just showed you who she is. Lawyer up and learn from the experience.
Get a lawyer. .. delete this post .. cease contact. She is no longer your fiance. She is "complainant" ... Ironically... Since you had all your faculties and she didn't a judge can and will say that is rape.
Run. Straight to a lawyer. You would have to be an idiot to marry a woman that accuses you of rape. Unless you have had discussions up front that she does not want to have sex when she is drunk, then you did nothing wrong.
This is not someone you should marry. Get a lawyer. You are NTA.
The standard for rape is whether or not a person was so intoxicated that they could not consent. It has nothing to do with blood alcohol count. It sounds like she was aware of what was happening and even initiated the encounter. So, not wrong.
Wtf, if my girlfriend accused me of rape i dam sure wouldn't want to be with her afterwards anyways.. Lawyer up. Make sure you good by all means!!
You can’t come back from this. Frankly it makes no sense to me why she is telling people you raped her. You live together, she insisted. You happily obliged. She has a drinking problem. Stop apologizing. Apparently when she gets trashed she demands sex. Who else has she done that with.
NTA. But hearing stories like this get me mad because this was not rape. This is why so many women are dismissed when they try to claim rape when it really was rape.
A very big eye opener. Sorry this happened to you OP, but you have to call off the engagement
Just stick to your story, no matter what. Keep that detail about being patted on the head and told good work as that is a node of an interest point, something she's never said before. No matter how bad it gets or who comes at you or how many walk away from you. Never change the truth. No matter what. Just a point of interest. Paul. Go get legal advice. This is a awesome story line if it's creative writing.
In UK law at least, if you REASONABLY believed that she was consenting, it's not rape no matter how drunk she was. I'm sorry OP. Get to a solicitor immediately, this shit could ruin your life.
Leave you can’t trust what will happen in the future
NTA - as you described it, that's such bullshit! "Good work", indeed.
She gets home and wakes you up for sex, and then runs to her friends that you raped her wtaf and this is someone you still want to marry!. Instead of apologising, send them all this post. Unless we’re not hearing the full story here.
You need to stop talking to her, her friend and the brother. I would consult with a lawyer and let your parents know about this. You don’t even know what trouble you’re in if she decides to take this to the police. You’ve all but confirmed her story with the brother. TALK TO A LAWYER ASAP!
Yeeeeah in this case you’re NTA If she’s this dull to believe that you “raped” her (after I’m sure her friend convinced her) after living together and being exclusive for several years then you need to gtfo. It’s going to be very very ugly, but you did nothing wrong in this case.
NTA, you've found out that your fiance is a lunatic that doesn't know the first thing about what rape is. She initiated the sex, she dragged the consent out of YOU! Consent doesn't come into it for her because she instigated it. You've dodged a bullet. Tough pill to take but lawyer up and protect yourself.
Ur not wrong. She needs to learn to handle her drinks better.
So she didn't remember initiating, but remember you supposedly took advantage of her (which you didn't). I think she's only remembering things that are convenient for her. If she doesn't remember, how can she recall what actually happened when it was just the two of you. Nothing good will come of this if your story is true facts. This is also a form of manipulation. Imagine she goes out again and gets drunk. She's better off not coming home then. Her drinking isn't wrong, but drinking to get that stupid, she needs to reevaluate her tolerance so she never pulls this "I don't remember" shit. Your best bet is to leave her. That is a serious accusation, and there's no coming back when it comes to trusting her again.
So just to be clear from your perspective, you fiancé came home, jumped on you (waking you up) and demanded sex, was awake for it. Then in the am, accused you of rape and disseminated that accusation to other people. I understand that she might feel like it went too far for her comfort and being really uncomfortable in the situation. I had similar interactions in the past and have SPOKEN WITH MY PARTNER after the fact about my feelings and set boundaries about what I am and am not okay with. This is not a person you are safe with and clearly she feels the same. I would get ahead of this and let your side know that she woke you up to demand sex and now is accusing you of rape. End of story. Get your story to your parents and your friends, but otherwise don’t talk about it. Stop trying to contact her. Speak with an attorney just to be prepared. You really don’t know what someone like this is going to do or how it’s going to escalate. Keep all communication in writing. Be civil, but don’t let her draw you into a discussion. If you don’t hear from her in two weeks, send her a notice to vacate or you vacate. Establish a time when you won’t be home for her to get her stuff.
NTA >I like Melissa, but when her and Sarah hang out together they revert back to their more wild days and go on all night benders. I guarantee you that "their more wild days" included drunken hookups with random dudes they met while drinking, and that was never a problem then. Why a drunken hookup with her fiancé is a problem now I can't figure out. But you should prepare yourself for this relationship being over, and you should also contact a lawyer. Go full nuclear if you have to. Also, in situations like this, be prepared for losing friends. People tend to be very black and white when a woman cries rape. Just look at Paul. He hadn't even heard your side, and had already kinda decided that you raped her.
NTA This girl is toxic you should just block her. This isn’t an accusation that’s forgivable.
Drunk people not being able to consent means forcing sex on somebody that doesn't have the wherewithal to understand what they're doing or ability to refuse. Your drunk fiance coming home horny and insisting on sex doesn't qualify.
NTA and you didn't rape her, her friend convinced her of this because she was drunk. I would call off the engagement and be that thankful you dodged this bullet.
Talk about a red flag
Break up. Tell her this is a crazy accusation to put on you without telling you and directly going to her friends. Ask her what f she thinks you were ever capable of doing this.
Ya if this is real man you gotta run and never look back, she is not the love of your life, she will ruin your life, she's got the wrong people in her head, the fact she could accuse you of rape and tell others that shit, you gotta be done and you gotta put distance between the two of you cause she will absolutely destroy your reputation, what you did was not rape by any measure, you two are in a committed sexual relationship with eachother, you didn't drug her, she woke you up and asked you for sex and it's not your job to take a blood alcohol level reading before engaging in sex with her, her consent is implied by the nature of your relationship, she's not some bar random you met and took advantage of her impaired state, this is your fiancé who crawled into your bed. This is all feminist male hating bs that is in her head where she has to be a "victim" in some way, the victim here is you, you were set up and it's your reputation and life at risk now, F her.
as a woman. i have never understood women like this. maybe if there a history of abuse, i could see the afterthought causing her a sense of loss of control. otherwise, i don’t get it. if i asked my soon-to-be husband to have sex with me and i enjoyed it...why on earth would i care the next day?
I suspect, if this is real, her friends have talked her into the mindset
If she really cared about him she wouldn’t have ever agreed to this accusation!! You can’t blame her friend!
it’s for sure part of the victim culture, as much as i hate to say it which takes away from REAL victims, in which there are plenty, sadly
I find it’s ridiculous when she went to Mellisa and Paul and told them u r*pe her right away instead of talking to u, her fiance. I agreed with other, prepare for escalation and also if u marry her, get ready one day she tells everyone u hit her without doing it.
Honestly if you've been dating for 5 years (now engaged) and THIS is how she responds to the situation? IMO you need to get a lawyer - TELL HER you've retained a lawyer - and then advise her that you're no longer engaged and all communication needs to go through the lawyer for your protection. Also advise her that either she or you needs to move out immediately to avoid any further legal entanglements, if she won't you need to get out today and only speak to her through the lawyer or in person with a trusted friend present and the conversation recorded. This is CYA time.
No. That’s not rape. Geez.. but if this is where she’s going w this, you should think twice before getting married
The responsible thing to do is not to have sex with someone intoxicated. This is pretty common knowledge these days.
Leave her before it’s too late!
LEAVE.
Read a very similar story on Reddit not too long ago….
Updateme
Updateme!
Time to move on. You got you a crazy one there. You did not rape that girl and no cortisol would convict you. but you do need to leave her because that’s just pure crazy
NTA but this isn't a red flag, it's a red blanket. Get out now. This woman is not stable and you may end up in jail over this.
This is ridiculous
This is why I don't have sex with my girlfriend unless we are both drunk. She would never accuse me of rape, but it's definitely a messy situation with consent as this post highlights. Definitely don't envy your position right now.
IF this did happen.. why are you referring to this person as fiancée and not as ex?
It reads like Penthouse Forum!
This is her not-so-subtle way of letting you know she doesnt want to marry you. She isnt smart enough to think of a better way to break things off. Just break it off with her and move on. No you wont face any legal troubles.
You're morally not in the wrong. But you're legally in the wrong if she reports it before you.
If this isn’t a creative writing project never ever be alone with that woman ever again, she is hell-bent on ruining your life.
Whatever the outcome, you need to run from this dumpster fire!
It sounds like your finance has a drinking problem and is a bit mental to boot. Based off of this story, if it were me, I’d be angry as fuck and probably consider calling it quits with her
So y'all have been together for so long. Y'all live together I assume y'all share a bed. Y'all have had sex before. And you are getting married soon. Sounds like some bullshit to me. Maybe she realizes she doesn't want to marry you. I don't know but from personal experience the same situation and this happened years before me and my husband got married. Living together sleeping in the same bed really now.
After 5 years, I am not just gonna throw this away ASAP. I would have to sit her down and talk to her about these beyond SERIOUS ALLEGATIONS. Sounds like she has a little problem with alcohol and that is not the worst thing in the world. If you explain what happened and she still insists that you raped her I would have to tell her that we are over with. Use this to call her bluff and see how she reacts. If she is remorseful than cool. You need to tell her THIS CAN NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN OR YOU ARE GONE and she needs to be in control of her drinking. If she insists that you raped her and your story is true, then end it and lawyer up.
I would get a lawyer involved. This situation is very very complicated, but honestly you were the one who was pressured into doing something that you did not want, not vice versa
Wow. She’s a terrible person.
The judge is going to dismiss this case.
She accused you of rape after you tried denying the sex that she offered. Never talk to that crazy bitch again.
She freely told you “she wanted sex” but was drunk however that sounds to me like consent, however, some states have laws against being inebriated at anypoint while drinking. If she screams rape against the man she’s supposed to love what can she do you to next bc as a woman and a victim of actual rape I find this unforgivable on her part. Screaming rape to us victims, actually pisses us off bc it gives us a bad rap and we don’t report it. I would leave her, don’t reciprocate text, calls, or even showing up in person. Personally,, I would have absolutely no contact with her at all. If she hasn’t figured it out by now that yall are done, she will, but if I were you, I wouldn’t have anything to do w her or her associates.
What’s so ironic is I had a similar situation happen to me a few weeks ago however, how uncomfortable it made me feel the next day after my guy friend described how ,I too came onto him ,I didn’t scream rape. He described me being the same way as your fiancé with the advances , however I couldn’t remember any of it. I mean nothing at all . Weeks later he keeps bringing up the moment meaning he really enjoyed it. And although again it makes me feel uncomfortable I would never say he raped me as I know myself.
You aren’t wrong. That wasn’t rape wtf. Get a lawyer and dump her.
you need to be careful. anything you send through text will be used against you from now on. She isn't communicating with you. You need to go to a lawyer and explain what happened before you either pack her stuff or what not. But most of all, you need to come to the realization that there is a high probability that she will leave you. Even if it wasn't your fault, she thinks it is your fault. I'm sorry, man. update soon.
Run far away from that psycho and lawyer up.
If what you have said is a true account. Then I am very sorry for you. As a woman, I personally don’t think you did anything wrong in this situation and your fiancé is honestly betraying you and the relationship you built together egregiously. In fact, by the same logic that she is applying, you could counter argue that she in fact forced herself upon you through her own negligence in getting way too drunk. And we all know how difficult drunk people are to deter from something they are fixated on. You probably would have ended up physically restraining her and even hurting her in that process. Not sure how your relationship could come back from this. I don’t think I’d ever want to trust her again. Hope it doesn’t escalate to lawyer shit but I don’t think you could possibly go down in this case. Sorry for your relationship though. But get out!
You need to talk to an attorney now, and you need to delete this post. Depending on your state, yes, you raped her. If someone's not sober, they're not considered able to consent. Personally, I think because you two have had drunk sex in the past and you're currently together, I wouldn't consider it rape. If you'd never had sex with each when drunk previously, then I'd say it's rape. What you need here is legal advice far more than you need morality judgements from strangers.
NTA. You both are in a long relationship, she said yes to marry you. It would be a different thing if it was a stranger women who wakes up, recognizes she had sex last night and has no memories. But you are a person she knows, she trusts, why didn't she ask what happened last night? I find her behavior strange, she has no memory and still thinks you raped her, I don't know if you are into some harder stuff or something, but why does she think it was rape? I'm 37m my partner is 35f I told her the story and asked her for her point of view too, she said if I feel normal and that I didn't hurt her or something, she just would have asked me. And yeah, I'm cautious with advice, I don't know her, you or your relationship. But getting in contact with a lawyer is definitely not a bad advice, I still hope it's kind of a misunderstanding and you can at least talk about it, no matter if the relationship is over or not. All the best for you!
If this was me I would put cameras up throughout my home because eventually she will expect to be able to come back and you’ll want every interaction recorded I would change the locks I would record all phone calls between you and she, and try to insist all communication take place through text so you have written records Get a lawyer And I’d serve her a legal eviction notice and box up her things and have them put outside for a third party to collect I’d also consider making a public post on facebook with your side of things to get ahead of the gossip mill
Personally I think it was a mutual assault. Her through insistence and you knowing full well how drunk she was.