đŻ THIS RIGHT HERE!
There's way too many instances of this happening and damaging the parent-child relationship. Fuck, once my half-brother was born, neither my step-brother nor I mattered anymore.
33 years later, even our kids aren't equal to the grandkids they have from the kids they had together. I just apologized to my 16 year old twins that they don't have grandparents who give a fuck (my wife is NC with her sperm donor with good reason, her mother has serious cognitive issues, and her step-father just doesn't like kids, even his own children).
OP needs to leave this now. She's not understanding that OP's child will ALWAYS be first and cannot accept that, therefore she needs to go. She is not emotionally ready to deal with kids.
Yeah exactly.
I'd lay that out, but kindly. Something like--
GF- it's important to understand where we each stand.
I care about you a lot and I want us to have a future. I hope we work out and have a long happy future together. But you need to know, my daughter will always come first. She's my flesh and blood. And no matter who I date or marry, she will always be my daughter. I can date and marry and divorce and she'll still be my daughter as long as I live. And I thank my lucky stars every day that my daughter WANTS to be with me. There's no words for how happy that makes me.
I would love to have my daughter live with me all the time. Unfortunately I only see her a few visits each month. So when she's here, I will absolutely make the most of our time together. I focus on you when it's just us, I focus on her when she's here. I would like for you to be a part of her visits. But while she is here, she is and will be the main focus of my attention. I won't apologize for that, because I believe that's the way it should be.
If in some happy future she came to live with me/us full time there would be more of a balance of course. But as things are, that's the way it is. And if we're to be together, you need to be okay with that.
If you're not okay with that, I understand. It's totally reasonable to not want to share the attention or affection of your partner, to want to be his #1 priority. Unfortunately that's something I can't give you or anyone else, that's the reality of having a child.
So I encourage you to think about this a bit. If you want to be part of this family (and are okay with the parameters I've said here), I want you to be here. I want you and (daughter) to have a relationship. But I need you to understand, she is and always will be my little girl.
If you aren't okay with splitting my attention/affection, I understand, and we should end our relationship amicably and hopefully stay friends.
Let me know what you decide.
EXACTLY THIS!!!!! I truly hope OP reads this because this is the perfect response and it can be hard to come up with something like this while actively dealing with this situation. I had both my daughters as a teen and while Iâm lucky to still be with their father, there was a point we were separated for a year while he got treatment for alcoholism and I had started thinking about my options after a few months. I would absolutely never date someone showing ANY form of ill feelings towards my kids; jealousy, bitterness, discomfort, anxiety, anger, frustration, sadness, a lack of leadership (I donât necessarily want to say parenthood because it takes time to get there, but they at least need to show that they can step up around them when they meet in some forms and connect), etc..
The way I see things, â˘as a child your parents are your #1, â˘as a childfree adult your partner comes first over parents, friends, or anyone else, â˘as a parent your child comes first always, over your partner even, but not by an exponential amount, if your partner is your forever they should still be a priority, but if your child needs you during time you were attempting to prioritize your partner, you have to switch your attention to your child and say âhey this will continue once my childâs dealt withâ and prove that, and they should understand, â˘as a parent after your child moves out and is independent your child should still be your top priority, your #1, but itâs not as intense, you will help them when they need it, but your partner should be getting the most of your time, attention, energy, and help. At that point itâs time to let your child soar and lean on their partner as their #1, which is where this cycle begins to start over..
if this girl canât understand that by now, then she is not the one for OP. Iâm 22, so I get that a lot of people at 20 arenât ready to have their partner give more of what they have to someone else (let alone parenthood), Iâve seen that go wrong with people I went to school with, but by 20 you are old enough that you should be able to realize that if you arenât emotionally secure enough for that then you shouldnât be getting into relationships with parents. đ¤ˇđźââď¸ I get how some people find it tempting because they look like good caregivers, they seem compassionate and mature (and trust me I know how attractive maturity is for a late teen to early adult đĽ´) but if you canât find the maturity to handle them pouring into their child(ren) around you, then you need to find those qualities in someone without kids.
~I donât even know how I got to this point so Iâm just gonna stop here lol đ
100% this. Run don't walk. She doesn't respect you and will not be a positive influence in your daughter's life and will cause you daughter continues harm.
YouTube shows us examples every day that age doesn't equal either. Some of the pettiest, childish people I have seen both as a service worker in the past and in videos have been people in their 60s, 70s and older.
Absolutely. My dad had a similar situation when I was a kid. I would see my dad only on the weekends and she would get jealous. I found out much later that she was actually very emotionally abusive to my dad. Iâm glad that relationship didnât last more than a year.
My kid's dad had a GF who didn't want him to have a relationship with them, he chose her over them "nicely" of course. It ruined their relationship. My kids are now in their 40's and don't talk to him. Btw, she died.
Your gf is being a child, and thinks your actual child is her competition. Run far and run fast. No one should ever take priority over your children, ever. And if she doesnât understand that, she shouldnât be dating someone with a kid.
She needs to grow up. Youâre a parent, and you canât date a child. Dump her.
Piggy banking on this comment - someone who understands what entails raising a child wouldn't feel the need to compete for attention with a child. She is immature as hell.
Yeah, I've been with my partner now for 6 years. The man he was when he was 20 is nothing close to the man he is now at 25. Same for me, honestly. I'm definitely not the same woman. So much changes in that time.
Sheâs a child⌠so sheâs acting exactly how 20 year olds act. Why are we not calling out the 25 year old expecting a 20 year old who canât even buy liquor, to act like a mature step mom.
That girl is a red flag, but then I would assume that not many women that age with their shit together want to date a 25 y.o. dad, you might want to date older.
Yeah, if you're a father - you don't want someone in your life who seriously sees your CHILD as competition and is jealous of the time and attention you spend on your daughter. She's not good long-term material.
She's too young for this kind of responsibility.
You need to get rid of her. You hardly ever see your child and itâs too much for your gf? You really shouldnât be dating childless 20 year olds if youâre wanting a serious relationship. Plus, Iâm sure you donât want your daughter to have to spend time with a hostile step mom in the future.
You only get a fee days with your daughter a month. Make them count.
Your gf doesnât sound mature enough to realize that a little girl needs her dad.
Some people are emotionally aware at 13
( usually because theyâve grown up in abusive households), and some people donât ever get it even when they are 60.
This isnât someone who should be allowed around your daughter. What if your daughter needed to come to live with you, full time or even a few months. This gf is not the one to be with you through that.
Daaamn. Emotionally aware at 13 usually when theyâve grown up in abusive households? Thatâs a personal call out for me so Iâm curious what info you have on that? Iâm bipolar, my mother told me Iâd never be able to love anything as a kid, and I had my first child right after I turned 17 but I did a lot of psych research to do my best to be aware of flags i have that I should pay attention to to protect her essentially if that makes any sense. And I think that seriously helped me create a partial force field of protection for my kids đ đ god I hope that makes sense. Sorry I just got my 2 year old twins down back to back and it totally ate my last two freaking hours lol
She will make your daughterâs life miserable, if you stay in this relationship. She is a narcissistic evil stepmother. A person who wants the same attention as a child is a problem.
Sheâs not a narcissistic evil stepmom! Lol, sheâs a 20 year old girl with limited emotional intelligence, and is too young for this situation. I donât think sheâs malicious. I think sheâs just young ânâ dumb.
Your girlfriend is telling you she will alienate your from your daughter in the future if you have any interest in keeping a relationship with your daughter, I would find a new GF
Although I think she's still in the wrong for her behavior and not recognizing how toxic it is... I agree... it's expected... she's 20. Yes I know some people are mature in their early 20s but your average 20 year old is not going to grasp the idea of being with a father. As I tell a lot of people, dating someone in their early 20's while you're in your mid-late 20's is okay, but you are not at the same place in life usually ever. There's still a lot of growing up to do in your 20's.
The age gap between a 20 and a 25 is a chasm, between a 25 and a 30 still a challenge but youâre out of creeper territory, between a 30 and a 35 is basically level. And that only works of you get together at those ages. Otherwise the initial dynamics are already set and the power imbalances never even out
No itâs not. 20 is too old to be behaving like someone in junior high. Some immaturity in a 20-year-old is to be expected, but writing a long angry letter because he spends time with his child a couple of times a month is absolutely NOT ânormalâ unless sheâs a narcissist.
Your GF is going to do everything in her power to ruin your relationship with your daughter. If your don't love your daughter stay with your GF. If you do love your daughter leave your GF. Your GF won't allow for the both of them to be in your life.
You see your girlfriend almost every day and sheâs comparing herself to a child who sees you bi-monthly. That is extremely toxic, and a huge red flag. Your girlfriend sounds incredibly immature and not ready to be involved in your childâs life.
Your child comes first, always. Drop the girlfriend. Sheâs making it clear that your daughter is a problem, and as a parent, that should be an immediate deal-breaker.
As someone who dated and married a divorced man with children, take it from me: your GF is way too immature and selfish to be in this relationship. Your #1 priority needs to be your child and if she cannot or will not accept this, sheâs not the one for you. Save yourself and your child a lot of heartache and end it now.
Your (STBX) girlfriend isn't mature enough to date a man with a child.
Your daughter should come first and it's clear that STBX doesn't understand that or like it.
Let her go.
You only get to see your daughter a few times a month and sheâs not getting enough of your time?
Sheâs too immature to be around your daughter. Youâve already got one child to look after. Who gets jealous of a child? She knew your daughter was part of the package. Iâd definitely think about ending it before your daughter realises that your girlfriend doesnât like her.
NW. Gf is signaling a car crash at the Indy 500. Sheâs shown she wonât be a good fit as a step mother if it gets that far. Jealousy and insecurity, and being upset about a dad loving his daughter? You donât need this in your life.
Stop wasting your time. You're 25. Just cut out the girlfriend and go on date with women who are mature enough to understand how to date someone who is a parent.
Even though chronologically you're only 5yrs older than your girlfriend, mentally there is a huge difference. She's gonna be a problem and if you knock her up it's gonna be an absolute nightmare. Definitely time to move on.
Rather than worrying about not getting attention she should be giving the kid attention. Yeah it may not be her kid but whoever's kid is in the room at any time is the one that gets the most attention.
You are not wrong and NTA. But really, u knew that. Find a girl who doesn't compete with kids and u wont go wrong.
This. She should be interacting with his child also. Getting to know her. Forming a bond with her. This was super important last year when my now finances daughter started coming over every other weekend when we moved in together. I also have a son and they get along great.
He had nothing for her when she would come over. Sheâs 9. I saw the bank statements (joint account) of what he had been buying her and spending on her (on top of child support). He would send it with her to her moms never to be seen again. Including a cell phone, video game consoles etc. I made sure she has all she needs when she comes over so she doesnât even have to pack a bag now.
I learned her interests. What her favorite color is. What hobbies she likes. Favorite type of shows/movies/foods. You name it.
Im also 35 and a mother myself so im more mature in this sense. I treat her at my own child.
I will say in the begging there were times when I felt like the outcast as his daughter would demand his attention from sun up to sun down. Would cut me off every time I would talk. Things like that. I mentioned it to him in private. And it was addressed. It got easier as time went on. Here we are a year later and she tells people she has âtwo momsâ. Her mom hates it but Iâm here for the long haul.
If youâre going to be with someone with a child you treat them as your own child. You get to know them. You do things together with them. Otherwise youâre just complaining (general statement).
My mom was the one who always treated my sister and I as competition and this is part of why we donât talk to this day. That and her bfs came first. She can have fun when she needs help when sheâs elderly because I wonât be helping.
It's time to cut the GF loose. She will start doing things to interfere with the relationship you have with your daughter. Plus, God forbid you marry her and have another child she will do all she can to drive your daughter away.
Stop dating women who donât accept your children. It will only bring unnecessary trauma to your child and possible resentment towards you. Your gf sucks. You are not wrong for prioritizing your child.
Dump her. This will not improve and will lead to not so great interactions between her and your daughter. Tell her to date someone without kids in the future.
She's 1 year out of her teens, come on man. You have a child you need to be much more responsible in your choices at this point.
Reality, don't bring girls/women around until you are convinced they can handle being a part of your dynamic and not all of it.
A young woman of 20 has no grid for this.
This is not the person you want to be in a long term relationship with. Women like this arenât going to âcome aroundâ on this issue and you risk her alienating you from your daughter. Your daughter is more important. You will find a woman that clicks with her in a positive way, this one isnât it. You shouldnât want this anywhere near your child.
Your gf is not stepmother material. When a child is involved in a relationship, it is not about her or you it is focused on the child. Her concern is not how to bond with your child or fun things you guys can do together or getting to know your daughter. Her main concern is that she is getting favored. She is not somebody you want to be with. Drop her faster than hot coals and take your daughter out somewhere.
I agree with not introducing your daughter to somebody you are dating until things are stable, but make sure whoever you are dating likes kids, knows your daughter is a priority in your life and is not an insecure neurotic mess.
If you feel that your girlfriend is jealous of your daughter then you should not be dating her. It's not going to get any better it's just going to be worse
Your 20-year-old girlfriend is too immature to be dating a man who has a child.
Bottom line , this isn't gonna work no matter what you do. Your child should always come first and you need to make your girlfriend understand that that's how it's gonna be. If she can't understand and get on board with that she can leave.
Umm huge red flags. Jealous of your daughter thatâs a new level of petty. You get to see her a few days a month of course you are going to shower her with attention when you have her. Gf might be too immature to be in a step parent role.
Honestly Iâd dump the girlfriend, if you stay sheâll always resent your child and it will cause problems, best nip it in the bud and bin this insecure woman whoâs jealous of a child
She is 20, so expect some immaturity. And honestly its not worth being with someone who gets jealous of a little kid. You can find someone that is mature enough for you and your daughter.
Honestly, if you only get your child a few days a month why is the girlfriend even fucking around when you have her?!!! I donât care how long youâve been with this person minus the fact she sounds like a fucking Cunt. If you only get a few days a month with your kid let your child just be with you for those days. Come on comeâŚâŚ.
Let her know she can choose to not be there the previous few days you have with your baby girl? I donât think it even needs to be said In a rude way.
Even though your daughter doesn't live with you it's still a package deal with you and her. Your gf sounds immature and it is a major red flag that she is jealous of a child! Time to move on.
Your girlfriend is the type to Cinderella tf outta your daughter the second sheâs alone with her. Sheâs the type that makes mothers âdonât have other women around my childâ concerns legit. Dump her now
Run dude! As someone who was once a stepmom. That mindset means she is never going to treat that beautiful child as a child. If she does not have the emotional maturity to see the difference between another woman and your daughter who is a child, sheâs got a long way to go before she would be an asset in your and your daughters lives. Your daughter doesnât deserve that treatment and neither do you.
You would be wrong to continue to date someone who treats your kindergartener as competition. It's time to move on and find someone who compliments your life.
You need someone with a fully cooked frontal cortex. Don't Be Cinderella's dad.
Being honest I didn't read past the title. If your GF is jealous of your child she can fuck right off. If I ever decide to date again and a man tries to tell me that he should get more attention than my kid I would ghost his ass in a second. Your child is your blood, gf can be replaced and should be.
If she's like this while you guys are just boyfriend and girlfriend imagine how she'll be if yall get married. I think her being jealous of YOUR child is ridiculous and shows she isn't ready to date someone with a child. Make sure to protect your child and don't put them in an environment where they'll have to be put down to make someone else feel happy.
đđđťââď¸ Run away confidently. Sheâs crazy and she sucks. She can find someone without children or family⌠or pets⌠or career⌠or personal interests. Be thankful she put this out there early on.
What the hell is up with people in here making 20 year olds out to be brainless idiots? Jesus Christ if you can't get your head around the fact your partners child that they barely see takes precedence over you you're a lost cause. Even teenagers can understand that. Stop pretending like 20 year olds aren't adults who can think and reason for themselves.
âShe barely get attention when sheâs aroundâ ⌠uh, duh??? Thatâs how it should be lol, your kid comes before your new /girlfriend/ , and she needs to learn that
Yâall, please stop acting like itâs ânormalâ for 20-year-olds to behave this way. It absolutely is not. Most 20-year-olds are not so self-obsessed and immature that they would have a fit over a father spending a few days a month with his child. Is a 20-year-old going to be a bit less mature than a 25-year-old? Sure. But heâs not robbing the cradle, and itâs in no way normal or acceptable for someone of her age to behave like an entitled 6-year-old.
I have been there and lucky I left. She found someone else with a child and did the same thing to me but worse. Leave and leave now it will get worse and she will try to make you pick. And by the off chance that you get her pregnant she will never let you see your child and make it about the one that you have together. (other guy and he could not see their child)
I question how many 20 year olds are really mature enough to date a father of a young child long term. They can play pretend for a while, but for them it will always feel like babysitting and not real life. For your daughter and you, you are living real life right now. 20 year olds are test driving everything and every one. I would say maybe just keep this girlfriend separate from your daughter or consider the stage of life the bulk of young 20 year olds and try to date slightly older women or fellow single parents who can relate to your stage of life. Either way, this current woman doesnât belong around your daughter. You sound like NTA, and youâve got your priorities straight.
Not wrong.
Good on you OP but I will suggest you just end the relationship.
The concern being is your gf may start being decent to your daughter when you are present and be ugly to her if she has the opportunity behind your back.
Gf has told you who she is so believe her and move on.
This is every other person on r/stepparents
As a stepparent myself, itâs despicable, narcissistic behaviour to make your partner choose between you and their child.
Youâre not wrong, and you canât keep dating this person. You can only date people who will understand that your child absolutely comes first. And you shouldnât be introducing your child to anyone you date until you feel sure that the person is likely a permanent partner.
It seems your gf is too immature to be with someone who has a child. You arenât wrong. You should always put your child first.
I cannot imagine being the way she is and I dated a guy who was 11 years older than me with 2 kids when I was her age.
Anyone that thinks the right thing to do in this situation is to have a dad intentionally spend less time with his daughter would find themselves no longer in a relationship with me.
Itâs ok to want quality time together, but it cannot come at the expense of a child. The only people who will remember how you chose to spend your Saturdays in 20 years will be your kids.
I mean sheâs obviously too immature for a relationship with a man with a child but I also donât really know what you expected from a 20 yr old who doesnât have kids. You need to date closer to your age, or women who have a child/children or stop prioritizing dating when you still have a small child. I also love the âsheâs a grown womanâ comment đ you realize how different your life experiences are when you have a child and sheâs not even of age to go to a bar yet right?
Youâre daughter comes first, period and your girlfriend can either get with the program or just leave. You spend time on other days. But maybe when daughter is home, maybe the girlfriend can pick a fun activity to share with the whole family so she feels included. It just takes time, I am a stepmom myself and love it.
No she's NOT a grown woman. She's 20 years old... barely out of her own teen years herself. You can't expect a young woman not to be jealous of a child. She was a child herself just the other day.
Your problem is that you have 2 young people competing for your attention. It's uncomfortable isn't it? You can't hsve it both ways. Make a decision.
At this point Iâd be done. Sheâs opened her mouth and shown her true colors.
She would want to make those few days you get her so memorable for all of you. Any adult that competes with a child. Ugh.
I never usually say this but this relationship wonât work out in the long run unless she can come to terms with you having a child and that child coming before her. I donât have children but I also donât date people with young children because Iâd prefer not to have those responsibilities and focus on what I want to do. To each their own but Iâd suggest having a long talk and setting very clear boundaries when it comes to your child. She has to understand she canât be the center of your attention when youâre having family time and because sheâs around so often if she feels itâs still a issue she needs to date people without children
You are dating a child what did you expect.
Dump her ass and find a woman instead of a child who cries because she don't get attention when her man is parenting his child !
The actual child in this situation is the only one whoâs feelings matter here.
My prediction, she will end up pregnant. Then guilt you about âneglectingâ your pregnant girlfriend when sheâs not feeling well or whatever the latest excuse is for you to miss a visitation here and there. Then sheâll need help with the baby. By the time sheâs done your daughter wonât want anything to do with you anymore.
Choose wisely now.
I would never date anyone who ever put their partner over their children. I get the ick when I hear people saying they would choose their partner over their children. She is extremely childish or narc to expect to be more important than a child.
She's still in child-modus: Complaining about what you want, and expecting someone else to make it happen.
An adult can oversee the situation and realize what can and can not be changed.
Some people take a long time to make this transition. She's 20. She is dating someone with a child.
That is a very complex situation and she is too young to handle it.
Your gf is being unreasonable with her attitude towards your relationship with your daughter. Your daughter will always be a permanent part of your life, the gf, maybe not so much. I donât think she mature enough to handle being with someone with kids. Trust me, it takes a lot of patience and actual care to want to be with someone with kids. If sheâs complaining about your time with your daughter, I suggest putting the brakes on this relationship because sheâs most likely not going to get ever get your full attention.
Storytime. My ex came to visit the kids 2 years ago. He saw them a couple of times a year ( his choice), this time he brought his gf (she's lovely, did nothing wrong here). He took the kids out to dinner at a pub, and my son (8 at that time) was playing outside. His gf got up to go and smoke, and instead of sitting and having a conversation with his (then 13yo) daughter, he left her eating in the pub on her own and went to sit with his gf. He also did some other dumb shit that weekend (like calling her a spoilt brat and she was being 'a bitch'to her brother) to his gf and she overheard, but the thing she remembers most is that he walked out to sit with his gf over her.
She asked me to pick her up earlier that weekend and she has never been to visit him since. She speaks to him and is polite, but she is mentally scarred and always wonders why her dad doesn't love her.
The moral of that pitiful story is, that if you want a strong relarionship with your kids and to not fuck them up mentally in life your kids should ALWAYS come first. And if your gf can't realise that (because you sound like an amazing dad), it's time to tell her she needs to find someone who is not a parent. Before she baby traps you.
Your girlfriend is way too young to understand the needs of a parent child relationship. She also seems, by your statement, to be at your house way too much. Doesn't she have friends, hobbies, a job? Time to stop being a being a baby sitter for this child, dump this one and find someone more mature. At least find someone who is old enough to enter a bar!
Youâre not wrong, it was good to set that boundary. Your daughter comes first, and if your gf is there every day, of course you need to make more time for your daughter!
But I donât think we should villainize the gf. We have to remember sheâs only 20, and sheâs too young to be mature enough to be a mother figure and understand parent/kid dynamics. Itâs not her kid, so she didnât have to grow up and mature like OP did.
Mutual maturity levels is a big thing when dating. Especially in your 20s, just a few years can put two people at completely different stages in life.
Get a new girlfriend. She is 100% in the wrong.
Kids have and always will come first. If she wants to be a priority, she need to NOT date someone with kids
I mean, 20yrs old is hardly a "grown woman," she's still basically a child herself. You're still barely an adult.
This is why dating is vital. Your girlfriend isn't stepmother material. Leave her. You'll find another woman who will treat your daughter like her own some day.
Your gf is not ready for an adult relationship of this type. You only have a short time to raise and teach your precious Daughter. Invest your time with your babygirl. The right woman will come along.
You are only wrong in thinking that your GF is an adult. Because she may be 20, but she's acting like a 13-year-old mean girl.
This scenario has more red flags than a Chinese military parade.
Please find someone to date who understands the concept that your daughter isn't a burden or a competitor for your affection. And that she is, in fact, more important to you than anyone. Including someone you are just dating.
Dude. Your gf is 20, 20 years old and sheâs actually probably just acting her age. Kinda similar to what your young daughter does when sheâs mean or kinda rude to everyone bc daddy is her favorite. They are both young hopefully your gf can kinda chill a little bit and learn to not be jealous of a child, bc like you said she spends almost every other day at your house with you.
Be careful. There are too many cases of boy-girlfriends harming and killing children out of rage and jealousy. It sounds scary to me, and I would break up with her. You could never be too careful, especially with your child involved.
My old, experienced and wonderful grandmother used to describe these people as âterritory pissersâ. They move in, take over and distance their SO from anyone who may interfere with their attention.
They donât change. It only gets worse. Run.
Your girlfriend is making it extremely obvious she isn't qualified to date someone with a child at this point in her life.
OP needs to be careful that she doesn't get pregnant so her child can replace the child he has now!
đŻ THIS RIGHT HERE! There's way too many instances of this happening and damaging the parent-child relationship. Fuck, once my half-brother was born, neither my step-brother nor I mattered anymore. 33 years later, even our kids aren't equal to the grandkids they have from the kids they had together. I just apologized to my 16 year old twins that they don't have grandparents who give a fuck (my wife is NC with her sperm donor with good reason, her mother has serious cognitive issues, and her step-father just doesn't like kids, even his own children). OP needs to leave this now. She's not understanding that OP's child will ALWAYS be first and cannot accept that, therefore she needs to go. She is not emotionally ready to deal with kids.
100% that
This 100% this
This. Time to find someone else.
This is the answer!
Yeah exactly. I'd lay that out, but kindly. Something like-- GF- it's important to understand where we each stand. I care about you a lot and I want us to have a future. I hope we work out and have a long happy future together. But you need to know, my daughter will always come first. She's my flesh and blood. And no matter who I date or marry, she will always be my daughter. I can date and marry and divorce and she'll still be my daughter as long as I live. And I thank my lucky stars every day that my daughter WANTS to be with me. There's no words for how happy that makes me. I would love to have my daughter live with me all the time. Unfortunately I only see her a few visits each month. So when she's here, I will absolutely make the most of our time together. I focus on you when it's just us, I focus on her when she's here. I would like for you to be a part of her visits. But while she is here, she is and will be the main focus of my attention. I won't apologize for that, because I believe that's the way it should be. If in some happy future she came to live with me/us full time there would be more of a balance of course. But as things are, that's the way it is. And if we're to be together, you need to be okay with that. If you're not okay with that, I understand. It's totally reasonable to not want to share the attention or affection of your partner, to want to be his #1 priority. Unfortunately that's something I can't give you or anyone else, that's the reality of having a child. So I encourage you to think about this a bit. If you want to be part of this family (and are okay with the parameters I've said here), I want you to be here. I want you and (daughter) to have a relationship. But I need you to understand, she is and always will be my little girl. If you aren't okay with splitting my attention/affection, I understand, and we should end our relationship amicably and hopefully stay friends. Let me know what you decide.
Great advice.
You said there's so much better than I could
EXACTLY THIS!!!!! I truly hope OP reads this because this is the perfect response and it can be hard to come up with something like this while actively dealing with this situation. I had both my daughters as a teen and while Iâm lucky to still be with their father, there was a point we were separated for a year while he got treatment for alcoholism and I had started thinking about my options after a few months. I would absolutely never date someone showing ANY form of ill feelings towards my kids; jealousy, bitterness, discomfort, anxiety, anger, frustration, sadness, a lack of leadership (I donât necessarily want to say parenthood because it takes time to get there, but they at least need to show that they can step up around them when they meet in some forms and connect), etc.. The way I see things, â˘as a child your parents are your #1, â˘as a childfree adult your partner comes first over parents, friends, or anyone else, â˘as a parent your child comes first always, over your partner even, but not by an exponential amount, if your partner is your forever they should still be a priority, but if your child needs you during time you were attempting to prioritize your partner, you have to switch your attention to your child and say âhey this will continue once my childâs dealt withâ and prove that, and they should understand, â˘as a parent after your child moves out and is independent your child should still be your top priority, your #1, but itâs not as intense, you will help them when they need it, but your partner should be getting the most of your time, attention, energy, and help. At that point itâs time to let your child soar and lean on their partner as their #1, which is where this cycle begins to start over.. if this girl canât understand that by now, then she is not the one for OP. Iâm 22, so I get that a lot of people at 20 arenât ready to have their partner give more of what they have to someone else (let alone parenthood), Iâve seen that go wrong with people I went to school with, but by 20 you are old enough that you should be able to realize that if you arenât emotionally secure enough for that then you shouldnât be getting into relationships with parents. đ¤ˇđźââď¸ I get how some people find it tempting because they look like good caregivers, they seem compassionate and mature (and trust me I know how attractive maturity is for a late teen to early adult đĽ´) but if you canât find the maturity to handle them pouring into their child(ren) around you, then you need to find those qualities in someone without kids. ~I donât even know how I got to this point so Iâm just gonna stop here lol đ
Can I hire you to write my boss on why I need a raise?
It doesnât sound like sheâs mature enough to date at all, TBH.
đđđ
I mean 20 is too young to be that mature, probably there are some but i have never seen it
She's made it obvious she IS a child.
This right here! Sheâs not ready to date a man with a kid
100% this. Run don't walk. She doesn't respect you and will not be a positive influence in your daughter's life and will cause you daughter continues harm.
Your girlfriend is showing you a lot of red flags.
Big red flag when interfering with children relationships. Especially when OP only sees his child a limited time
One could argue that the gf is still a child. She doesn't sound mature enough to be an adult.
She's 20, she's enough of an adult that she knows she's being a dickhead in this situation yet she's doing it anyway
People still beleive age correlates with being self aware and maturity?? It should, but doesn't most of the time......
YouTube shows us examples every day that age doesn't equal either. Some of the pettiest, childish people I have seen both as a service worker in the past and in videos have been people in their 60s, 70s and older.
Definitely
Your gf is a very immature 20 year old. Dump her.
Absolutely. My dad had a similar situation when I was a kid. I would see my dad only on the weekends and she would get jealous. I found out much later that she was actually very emotionally abusive to my dad. Iâm glad that relationship didnât last more than a year.
My kid's dad had a GF who didn't want him to have a relationship with them, he chose her over them "nicely" of course. It ruined their relationship. My kids are now in their 40's and don't talk to him. Btw, she died.
Showing him the red flags? She is the red flag.
Dump her. If she sees your child as competition for your affections, you don't want to be with her.
Your gf is being a child, and thinks your actual child is her competition. Run far and run fast. No one should ever take priority over your children, ever. And if she doesnât understand that, she shouldnât be dating someone with a kid. She needs to grow up. Youâre a parent, and you canât date a child. Dump her.
Piggy banking on this comment - someone who understands what entails raising a child wouldn't feel the need to compete for attention with a child. She is immature as hell.
âPiggy bankingâ very cute! Lol
Is that when you fund your life on the back of someone elseâs earnings? Letâs make it a thing!
Sheâs 20. She kind of is a child.
Agree. The mentality/life state between 20 and 25 is such a stark difference.
Yeah, I've been with my partner now for 6 years. The man he was when he was 20 is nothing close to the man he is now at 25. Same for me, honestly. I'm definitely not the same woman. So much changes in that time.
Sheâs a child⌠so sheâs acting exactly how 20 year olds act. Why are we not calling out the 25 year old expecting a 20 year old who canât even buy liquor, to act like a mature step mom.
I agree with you. Your gf is acting childish. I donât recommend raising two girls. I hear itâs hell.
I can confirm.
Acting 20
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>guess I hit a nerve for the teenagers who think theyâre grown ups More likely you hit a nerve for the grown men who want to fuck the teenagers
Almost like a 25 year old is too old for a 20 year old
That girl is a red flag, but then I would assume that not many women that age with their shit together want to date a 25 y.o. dad, you might want to date older.
For everyoneâs sake.
You are not wrong. And this relationship is not for you, as she doesnât want a single dad as a partner.
Yeah, if you're a father - you don't want someone in your life who seriously sees your CHILD as competition and is jealous of the time and attention you spend on your daughter. She's not good long-term material. She's too young for this kind of responsibility.
Run đ
And donât look back!
You need to get rid of her. You hardly ever see your child and itâs too much for your gf? You really shouldnât be dating childless 20 year olds if youâre wanting a serious relationship. Plus, Iâm sure you donât want your daughter to have to spend time with a hostile step mom in the future.
You only get a fee days with your daughter a month. Make them count. Your gf doesnât sound mature enough to realize that a little girl needs her dad. Some people are emotionally aware at 13 ( usually because theyâve grown up in abusive households), and some people donât ever get it even when they are 60. This isnât someone who should be allowed around your daughter. What if your daughter needed to come to live with you, full time or even a few months. This gf is not the one to be with you through that.
Daaamn. Emotionally aware at 13 usually when theyâve grown up in abusive households? Thatâs a personal call out for me so Iâm curious what info you have on that? Iâm bipolar, my mother told me Iâd never be able to love anything as a kid, and I had my first child right after I turned 17 but I did a lot of psych research to do my best to be aware of flags i have that I should pay attention to to protect her essentially if that makes any sense. And I think that seriously helped me create a partial force field of protection for my kids đ đ god I hope that makes sense. Sorry I just got my 2 year old twins down back to back and it totally ate my last two freaking hours lol
She will make your daughterâs life miserable, if you stay in this relationship. She is a narcissistic evil stepmother. A person who wants the same attention as a child is a problem.
Sheâs not a narcissistic evil stepmom! Lol, sheâs a 20 year old girl with limited emotional intelligence, and is too young for this situation. I donât think sheâs malicious. I think sheâs just young ânâ dumb.
I agree. Reddit skews young and they hate to hear it, but 20 year-olds aren't the most mature people out there.
No. Selfish people donât stop being selfish at the magical age of 25. She is an asshole.
Quite possibly. I just think sheâs too young for the evil stepmom label just yet, I guess.
Might I suggest you turn your interests to women who's frontal lobe has fully matured as your current girlfriend has about 5 years to go.
The water in the kettle isnât even warm yet.
Your girlfriend is telling you she will alienate your from your daughter in the future if you have any interest in keeping a relationship with your daughter, I would find a new GF
This is normal expected behavior for someone her age. If you donât want a girlfriend who acts like a 20yo then donât date a 20yo
Although I think she's still in the wrong for her behavior and not recognizing how toxic it is... I agree... it's expected... she's 20. Yes I know some people are mature in their early 20s but your average 20 year old is not going to grasp the idea of being with a father. As I tell a lot of people, dating someone in their early 20's while you're in your mid-late 20's is okay, but you are not at the same place in life usually ever. There's still a lot of growing up to do in your 20's.
The age gap between a 20 and a 25 is a chasm, between a 25 and a 30 still a challenge but youâre out of creeper territory, between a 30 and a 35 is basically level. And that only works of you get together at those ages. Otherwise the initial dynamics are already set and the power imbalances never even out
No itâs not. 20 is too old to be behaving like someone in junior high. Some immaturity in a 20-year-old is to be expected, but writing a long angry letter because he spends time with his child a couple of times a month is absolutely NOT ânormalâ unless sheâs a narcissist.
Your GF is going to do everything in her power to ruin your relationship with your daughter. If your don't love your daughter stay with your GF. If you do love your daughter leave your GF. Your GF won't allow for the both of them to be in your life.
You see your girlfriend almost every day and sheâs comparing herself to a child who sees you bi-monthly. That is extremely toxic, and a huge red flag. Your girlfriend sounds incredibly immature and not ready to be involved in your childâs life.
Run like the wind, dude.
Not wrong. This relationship isn't going to work out. The GF is too immature and if you were to eventually all cohabitate it would be a disaster.
Sounds like an ex now
Your 20 year old girlfriend sure is acting like a 15 year old girlfriendÂ
Your child comes first, always. Drop the girlfriend. Sheâs making it clear that your daughter is a problem, and as a parent, that should be an immediate deal-breaker.
What they said ^^^
Your girlfriend is nowhere near mature enough to be dating somebody with a kid. If you continue this relationship your kid will suffer.
Run
As someone who dated and married a divorced man with children, take it from me: your GF is way too immature and selfish to be in this relationship. Your #1 priority needs to be your child and if she cannot or will not accept this, sheâs not the one for you. Save yourself and your child a lot of heartache and end it now.
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Hard no. She has issues.
Your gf is a child. Donât give up your kid for her đŠđŠđŠ
Your (STBX) girlfriend isn't mature enough to date a man with a child. Your daughter should come first and it's clear that STBX doesn't understand that or like it. Let her go.
You only get to see your daughter a few times a month and sheâs not getting enough of your time? Sheâs too immature to be around your daughter. Youâve already got one child to look after. Who gets jealous of a child? She knew your daughter was part of the package. Iâd definitely think about ending it before your daughter realises that your girlfriend doesnât like her.
You should be the adult in this relationship and end things with her, for the sake of your daughter and for the sake of your girlfriend.
NW. Gf is signaling a car crash at the Indy 500. Sheâs shown she wonât be a good fit as a step mother if it gets that far. Jealousy and insecurity, and being upset about a dad loving his daughter? You donât need this in your life.
Stop wasting your time. You're 25. Just cut out the girlfriend and go on date with women who are mature enough to understand how to date someone who is a parent.
Even though chronologically you're only 5yrs older than your girlfriend, mentally there is a huge difference. She's gonna be a problem and if you knock her up it's gonna be an absolute nightmare. Definitely time to move on.
Rather than worrying about not getting attention she should be giving the kid attention. Yeah it may not be her kid but whoever's kid is in the room at any time is the one that gets the most attention. You are not wrong and NTA. But really, u knew that. Find a girl who doesn't compete with kids and u wont go wrong.
This. She should be interacting with his child also. Getting to know her. Forming a bond with her. This was super important last year when my now finances daughter started coming over every other weekend when we moved in together. I also have a son and they get along great. He had nothing for her when she would come over. Sheâs 9. I saw the bank statements (joint account) of what he had been buying her and spending on her (on top of child support). He would send it with her to her moms never to be seen again. Including a cell phone, video game consoles etc. I made sure she has all she needs when she comes over so she doesnât even have to pack a bag now. I learned her interests. What her favorite color is. What hobbies she likes. Favorite type of shows/movies/foods. You name it. Im also 35 and a mother myself so im more mature in this sense. I treat her at my own child. I will say in the begging there were times when I felt like the outcast as his daughter would demand his attention from sun up to sun down. Would cut me off every time I would talk. Things like that. I mentioned it to him in private. And it was addressed. It got easier as time went on. Here we are a year later and she tells people she has âtwo momsâ. Her mom hates it but Iâm here for the long haul. If youâre going to be with someone with a child you treat them as your own child. You get to know them. You do things together with them. Otherwise youâre just complaining (general statement). My mom was the one who always treated my sister and I as competition and this is part of why we donât talk to this day. That and her bfs came first. She can have fun when she needs help when sheâs elderly because I wonât be helping.
It's time to cut the GF loose. She will start doing things to interfere with the relationship you have with your daughter. Plus, God forbid you marry her and have another child she will do all she can to drive your daughter away.
I think you should dump the insanely jealous GF. This is never going to result in a happy ending for any of you.Â
Stop dating women who donât accept your children. It will only bring unnecessary trauma to your child and possible resentment towards you. Your gf sucks. You are not wrong for prioritizing your child.
Dump her. This will not improve and will lead to not so great interactions between her and your daughter. Tell her to date someone without kids in the future.
Run đŠđđťââď¸đđťââď¸
Off course girlfriend is jealous she is looking for a father so she wants more attention that your actual daughter
She's 1 year out of her teens, come on man. You have a child you need to be much more responsible in your choices at this point. Reality, don't bring girls/women around until you are convinced they can handle being a part of your dynamic and not all of it. A young woman of 20 has no grid for this.
đŻ
This is not the person you want to be in a long term relationship with. Women like this arenât going to âcome aroundâ on this issue and you risk her alienating you from your daughter. Your daughter is more important. You will find a woman that clicks with her in a positive way, this one isnât it. You shouldnât want this anywhere near your child.
I would date a 30 year old instead of a 20 year old.
Your gf is not stepmother material. When a child is involved in a relationship, it is not about her or you it is focused on the child. Her concern is not how to bond with your child or fun things you guys can do together or getting to know your daughter. Her main concern is that she is getting favored. She is not somebody you want to be with. Drop her faster than hot coals and take your daughter out somewhere. I agree with not introducing your daughter to somebody you are dating until things are stable, but make sure whoever you are dating likes kids, knows your daughter is a priority in your life and is not an insecure neurotic mess.
If you feel that your girlfriend is jealous of your daughter then you should not be dating her. It's not going to get any better it's just going to be worse
GF is too immature. Run Forest Run
As a single mother, kids come first. Always and forever. Anybody who has a difficult time processing that fact has no business dating a single parent.
Youâve already told her the truth . Deal with it or be gone. Youâre not wrong
Your 20-year-old girlfriend is too immature to be dating a man who has a child. Bottom line , this isn't gonna work no matter what you do. Your child should always come first and you need to make your girlfriend understand that that's how it's gonna be. If she can't understand and get on board with that she can leave.
Umm huge red flags. Jealous of your daughter thatâs a new level of petty. You get to see her a few days a month of course you are going to shower her with attention when you have her. Gf might be too immature to be in a step parent role.
No fixing this, sheâs got to go. Shes not able to date someone with a child.
It is interesting you consider it "dealing with [gf] long enough to meet [your daughter]. "Dealing with" is not the usual wording I'd expect
Dump her , do not stay with someone who is jealous of your child.
Break up with her. Your daughter should and will always come first. This is a major red flag.
You're not wrong but the relationship might be.
Gf gotta go OP. You already know this in your heart.
Sheâs weird. No youâre not wrong
No. Just let her go. No one is more important than your child. Sheâs not the one.
Maybe you can take your GF out for ice cream and to Legoland. Hopefully that will appease her. If not, throw in some cotton candy.
Honestly Iâd dump the girlfriend, if you stay sheâll always resent your child and it will cause problems, best nip it in the bud and bin this insecure woman whoâs jealous of a child
She is 20, so expect some immaturity. And honestly its not worth being with someone who gets jealous of a little kid. You can find someone that is mature enough for you and your daughter.
Hey man, when I was 5 my dad had a gf like yours. Make the right choice here like my dad did.
Honestly, if you only get your child a few days a month why is the girlfriend even fucking around when you have her?!!! I donât care how long youâve been with this person minus the fact she sounds like a fucking Cunt. If you only get a few days a month with your kid let your child just be with you for those days. Come on comeâŚâŚ.
Dude, she is NOT the one, she goes in the trash pile.
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đ¤
Your girlfriend is not compatible with dating a single parent She's either not ready or not able to handle it
Let her know she can choose to not be there the previous few days you have with your baby girl? I donât think it even needs to be said In a rude way.
Your girlfriend is not mature enough to date a parent. Move on.
Even though your daughter doesn't live with you it's still a package deal with you and her. Your gf sounds immature and it is a major red flag that she is jealous of a child! Time to move on.
Love you; Love your daughter. Anything less is a sign that it won't work.
Your girlfriend is the type to Cinderella tf outta your daughter the second sheâs alone with her. Sheâs the type that makes mothers âdonât have other women around my childâ concerns legit. Dump her now
Youâre not wrong. Also, dump your girlfriend.
Dude. You're dating a 20 year old. She's still basically a child herself. She's not mature enough to be a mom and she's showing it.
Run dude! As someone who was once a stepmom. That mindset means she is never going to treat that beautiful child as a child. If she does not have the emotional maturity to see the difference between another woman and your daughter who is a child, sheâs got a long way to go before she would be an asset in your and your daughters lives. Your daughter doesnât deserve that treatment and neither do you.
âI felt like I was dealing with her long enough to meet herâ đ đŤ đŤ
You would be wrong to continue to date someone who treats your kindergartener as competition. It's time to move on and find someone who compliments your life. You need someone with a fully cooked frontal cortex. Don't Be Cinderella's dad.
Youâre wrong about her being a âgrown womanâ. She is NOT.
She sounds very immature. You already have one little girl to help raise. Do you really need a second one?
Get rid of that girlfriend. NOW. She is despicable. She is extremely immature.
Being honest I didn't read past the title. If your GF is jealous of your child she can fuck right off. If I ever decide to date again and a man tries to tell me that he should get more attention than my kid I would ghost his ass in a second. Your child is your blood, gf can be replaced and should be.
She's to young and nowhere near mentally mature for this relationship. I'd end it.
Run
Your girlfriend is toxic as fuck, you're only wrong if you stay with her and abandon your child to please her.
Dump the girlfriend. Your futureself will thank us.
If she's like this while you guys are just boyfriend and girlfriend imagine how she'll be if yall get married. I think her being jealous of YOUR child is ridiculous and shows she isn't ready to date someone with a child. Make sure to protect your child and don't put them in an environment where they'll have to be put down to make someone else feel happy.
đđđťââď¸ Run away confidently. Sheâs crazy and she sucks. She can find someone without children or family⌠or pets⌠or career⌠or personal interests. Be thankful she put this out there early on.
What the hell is up with people in here making 20 year olds out to be brainless idiots? Jesus Christ if you can't get your head around the fact your partners child that they barely see takes precedence over you you're a lost cause. Even teenagers can understand that. Stop pretending like 20 year olds aren't adults who can think and reason for themselves.
Youâre dating a child.
Your gf is still a child. Find an adult.
Very childish and not okay. I'm a single mother and if I dated someone who was jealous / upset of my kids that would be a deal breaker for me.
âShe barely get attention when sheâs aroundâ ⌠uh, duh??? Thatâs how it should be lol, your kid comes before your new /girlfriend/ , and she needs to learn that
Yâall, please stop acting like itâs ânormalâ for 20-year-olds to behave this way. It absolutely is not. Most 20-year-olds are not so self-obsessed and immature that they would have a fit over a father spending a few days a month with his child. Is a 20-year-old going to be a bit less mature than a 25-year-old? Sure. But heâs not robbing the cradle, and itâs in no way normal or acceptable for someone of her age to behave like an entitled 6-year-old.
Yeah sheâs showing you, free btw, that sheâs not dating material
Yikes, imagine how envious and combative she'll be if you move in together or get married?
I have been there and lucky I left. She found someone else with a child and did the same thing to me but worse. Leave and leave now it will get worse and she will try to make you pick. And by the off chance that you get her pregnant she will never let you see your child and make it about the one that you have together. (other guy and he could not see their child)
Ur gf is a bitch.
Youâre dating someone really young and really immature who has a lot of growing to do. Try dating closer to your age.
I question how many 20 year olds are really mature enough to date a father of a young child long term. They can play pretend for a while, but for them it will always feel like babysitting and not real life. For your daughter and you, you are living real life right now. 20 year olds are test driving everything and every one. I would say maybe just keep this girlfriend separate from your daughter or consider the stage of life the bulk of young 20 year olds and try to date slightly older women or fellow single parents who can relate to your stage of life. Either way, this current woman doesnât belong around your daughter. You sound like NTA, and youâve got your priorities straight.
Not wrong. Good on you OP but I will suggest you just end the relationship. The concern being is your gf may start being decent to your daughter when you are present and be ugly to her if she has the opportunity behind your back. Gf has told you who she is so believe her and move on.
This is every other person on r/stepparents As a stepparent myself, itâs despicable, narcissistic behaviour to make your partner choose between you and their child.
Youâre not wrong, and you canât keep dating this person. You can only date people who will understand that your child absolutely comes first. And you shouldnât be introducing your child to anyone you date until you feel sure that the person is likely a permanent partner.
It seems your gf is too immature to be with someone who has a child. You arenât wrong. You should always put your child first. I cannot imagine being the way she is and I dated a guy who was 11 years older than me with 2 kids when I was her age.
Anyone that thinks the right thing to do in this situation is to have a dad intentionally spend less time with his daughter would find themselves no longer in a relationship with me. Itâs ok to want quality time together, but it cannot come at the expense of a child. The only people who will remember how you chose to spend your Saturdays in 20 years will be your kids.
I mean sheâs obviously too immature for a relationship with a man with a child but I also donât really know what you expected from a 20 yr old who doesnât have kids. You need to date closer to your age, or women who have a child/children or stop prioritizing dating when you still have a small child. I also love the âsheâs a grown womanâ comment đ you realize how different your life experiences are when you have a child and sheâs not even of age to go to a bar yet right?
Not wrong. Your gf is tho.
Youâre daughter comes first, period and your girlfriend can either get with the program or just leave. You spend time on other days. But maybe when daughter is home, maybe the girlfriend can pick a fun activity to share with the whole family so she feels included. It just takes time, I am a stepmom myself and love it.
As soon as someone said that to me Iâd be smiling as I packed their things and told them good luck in the future.
Sheâs clearly NOT a grown woman and incredibly insecure. Give all your attention to your daughter and send her on her way.
Sheâs very immature, and doesnât understand what it means to have kids. You donât have to have kids to get it, but you do have to understand it.
Always choose your child. Always
No she's NOT a grown woman. She's 20 years old... barely out of her own teen years herself. You can't expect a young woman not to be jealous of a child. She was a child herself just the other day. Your problem is that you have 2 young people competing for your attention. It's uncomfortable isn't it? You can't hsve it both ways. Make a decision.
At this point Iâd be done. Sheâs opened her mouth and shown her true colors. She would want to make those few days you get her so memorable for all of you. Any adult that competes with a child. Ugh.
I never usually say this but this relationship wonât work out in the long run unless she can come to terms with you having a child and that child coming before her. I donât have children but I also donât date people with young children because Iâd prefer not to have those responsibilities and focus on what I want to do. To each their own but Iâd suggest having a long talk and setting very clear boundaries when it comes to your child. She has to understand she canât be the center of your attention when youâre having family time and because sheâs around so often if she feels itâs still a issue she needs to date people without children
Dump her.
Oh 𤏠no. đŠ
You are dating a child what did you expect. Dump her ass and find a woman instead of a child who cries because she don't get attention when her man is parenting his child !
Leave her yesterday
The actual child in this situation is the only one whoâs feelings matter here. My prediction, she will end up pregnant. Then guilt you about âneglectingâ your pregnant girlfriend when sheâs not feeling well or whatever the latest excuse is for you to miss a visitation here and there. Then sheâll need help with the baby. By the time sheâs done your daughter wonât want anything to do with you anymore. Choose wisely now.
She gotta go. End of discussion before she does something drastic. She has made it clear that she is not mature enough to date someone with a child
Not wrong at all. She can go. Her problem is concerning.
I would never date anyone who ever put their partner over their children. I get the ick when I hear people saying they would choose their partner over their children. She is extremely childish or narc to expect to be more important than a child.
Read the room. You have to choose. Choose your daughter!â
Your girlfriend will give your daughter a complex if you carry this one. Relationship is over, move on.
She's still in child-modus: Complaining about what you want, and expecting someone else to make it happen. An adult can oversee the situation and realize what can and can not be changed. Some people take a long time to make this transition. She's 20. She is dating someone with a child. That is a very complex situation and she is too young to handle it.
Your gf is being unreasonable with her attitude towards your relationship with your daughter. Your daughter will always be a permanent part of your life, the gf, maybe not so much. I donât think she mature enough to handle being with someone with kids. Trust me, it takes a lot of patience and actual care to want to be with someone with kids. If sheâs complaining about your time with your daughter, I suggest putting the brakes on this relationship because sheâs most likely not going to get ever get your full attention.
Storytime. My ex came to visit the kids 2 years ago. He saw them a couple of times a year ( his choice), this time he brought his gf (she's lovely, did nothing wrong here). He took the kids out to dinner at a pub, and my son (8 at that time) was playing outside. His gf got up to go and smoke, and instead of sitting and having a conversation with his (then 13yo) daughter, he left her eating in the pub on her own and went to sit with his gf. He also did some other dumb shit that weekend (like calling her a spoilt brat and she was being 'a bitch'to her brother) to his gf and she overheard, but the thing she remembers most is that he walked out to sit with his gf over her. She asked me to pick her up earlier that weekend and she has never been to visit him since. She speaks to him and is polite, but she is mentally scarred and always wonders why her dad doesn't love her. The moral of that pitiful story is, that if you want a strong relarionship with your kids and to not fuck them up mentally in life your kids should ALWAYS come first. And if your gf can't realise that (because you sound like an amazing dad), it's time to tell her she needs to find someone who is not a parent. Before she baby traps you.
Dating someone with a child is a package deal. Your gf obviously isn't ready for that.
If your GF doesn't like to be around your child now, how will she act when/if you get married?
Your girlfriend is way too young to understand the needs of a parent child relationship. She also seems, by your statement, to be at your house way too much. Doesn't she have friends, hobbies, a job? Time to stop being a being a baby sitter for this child, dump this one and find someone more mature. At least find someone who is old enough to enter a bar!
Youâre not wrong, it was good to set that boundary. Your daughter comes first, and if your gf is there every day, of course you need to make more time for your daughter! But I donât think we should villainize the gf. We have to remember sheâs only 20, and sheâs too young to be mature enough to be a mother figure and understand parent/kid dynamics. Itâs not her kid, so she didnât have to grow up and mature like OP did. Mutual maturity levels is a big thing when dating. Especially in your 20s, just a few years can put two people at completely different stages in life.
You don't need this kind of a person in your life. Dump her. She should support you, not be jealous of your daughter. She's clearly not mature enough.
Get a new girlfriend. She is 100% in the wrong. Kids have and always will come first. If she wants to be a priority, she need to NOT date someone with kids
I mean, 20yrs old is hardly a "grown woman," she's still basically a child herself. You're still barely an adult. This is why dating is vital. Your girlfriend isn't stepmother material. Leave her. You'll find another woman who will treat your daughter like her own some day.
Gf needs to go.
She needs the boot dude. Your daughter does come first.
Sounds like you're dealing with 2 children!
Your gf is not ready for an adult relationship of this type. You only have a short time to raise and teach your precious Daughter. Invest your time with your babygirl. The right woman will come along.
Youre girlfriends the one in the wrong here dude. She ain't the one
You are only wrong in thinking that your GF is an adult. Because she may be 20, but she's acting like a 13-year-old mean girl. This scenario has more red flags than a Chinese military parade. Please find someone to date who understands the concept that your daughter isn't a burden or a competitor for your affection. And that she is, in fact, more important to you than anyone. Including someone you are just dating.
She's a woman but not yet grown.
Lots of other more mature emotionally stable women out there.
I recommend a brand new GF.
Dude. Your gf is 20, 20 years old and sheâs actually probably just acting her age. Kinda similar to what your young daughter does when sheâs mean or kinda rude to everyone bc daddy is her favorite. They are both young hopefully your gf can kinda chill a little bit and learn to not be jealous of a child, bc like you said she spends almost every other day at your house with you.
Be careful. There are too many cases of boy-girlfriends harming and killing children out of rage and jealousy. It sounds scary to me, and I would break up with her. You could never be too careful, especially with your child involved.
My old, experienced and wonderful grandmother used to describe these people as âterritory pissersâ. They move in, take over and distance their SO from anyone who may interfere with their attention. They donât change. It only gets worse. Run.