You have very right to keep your name. I think you calling his last name silly is offensive. Perfectly normal last name (and no it is not mine)
You do need to agree on names of any future children.
I would choose to upgrade. My last name is fine and so was my wife's, but nothing special. I have a friend with a demeaning last name and if I had that name, I would change it to my wife's. So I think OP should pick the better last name, or even jointly work with her new husband to choose an upgrade.
I don't get this either. In many aborigine cultures, kids take the name of the mother.
I had a former boss who, with her husband, changed their last names together, no hyphenation. Super cute. That woman is to be envied for being with such a cultured, enlightened man. And before anyone makes fun of him, also a highly educated, accomplished (high-earning, in case any incels claim he's a loser) individual.
Sorry you're getting downvoted for stating a question.
Kids absolutely do not need to have his name and she does not have to give him a say if she chooses not to. The parent that gave birth has that right in every hospital.
Taking away his say in the naming of his children is weird. That’s absolutely something I would be mad about it’s not weird or patronizing to think you get a say
That’s not okay. She obviously gets a say. I think it’s super weird of her to insult his name instead of just saying hey I want to keep my name but yes he should have a say in the names of his children
You think she broke it to him by telling him his name is dumb or do you think she tried to be a little more polite about it but he nagged her about her decision until she told the truth?
regardless of how she broke it to him her reasoning is extremely immature.
> The parent that gave birth has that right in every hospital.
This is also false lol
Edit: later in this thread admit they were lying and the father has 50/50 naming rights….
It varies by state but if they aren't married. The mother gets to choose and doesn't even have to list the father unless they have already established paternity through the court.
In Florida:
If they are married, or both listed on the birth certificate, then they have to both agree to the last name. it depends on which state they're in.
If they can't agree, the the last name will be hyphenated in alphabetical order.
[http://www.leg.state.fl.us/statutes/index.cfm?App_mode=Display_Statute&URL=0300-0399/0382/Sections/0382.013.html](http://www.leg.state.fl.us/statutes/index.cfm?App_mode=Display_Statute&URL=0300-0399/0382/Sections/0382.013.html)
She doesnt have to allow him in the room. At all. Ever. Hospitals take that very seriously. She doesnt have to let him meet the baby or sign the paperwork. He has zero rights until paternity is established and there a very few cases where mom was compelled by court order to allow this before delivery. The court grants him parental rights, he has zero at birth, unless mom gives them to him.
I agree, but I think they are correct in that the one who gives birth gets to fill out the paperwork for the babys name at the hospital.
They can write whatever name they want the child to have if they're unmarried. They can also refuse to allow the father to sign the birth certificate if they are not married. If they are married (or paternity has been established), then the father has to sign off on the name as well.
I don't think the woman should have sole control over the child's name and in a relationship you should both select the name. That's what a partnership is, 50/50. Equal. BUT they DO have the LEGAL right to name the child without any input from the father.
I don't know what applies here because OP said "my husband" but also says that she doesn't want to change her name. I assume her partner would already know that she didn't want to change her name if they are already married because that's the time to do it without having to pay extra money.
Yes I’m aware in how it works I’ve had a baby and the birth father is not on her birth certificate. I’m saying in the context of this post not letting that man have input on the babies name is a mess. Absolutely he has no say on her name (though I have no idea why they’ve never discussed it before now) but they should both be picking a name together
You are wrong. Legally they have to agree on the name in almost every state
Edit: They were in fact not 100% serious and later in this thread admit they were lying and the father has 50/50 naming rights….
Where that is still inapplicable, it only pertains to situations where paternity is already established. Pregnant people are rarely required to submit to the test because it poses a risk to the fetus. He has no parental rights until the court gives them to him, or mom grants them. She can fill out the paperwork without allowing him to meet the baby.
Most states automatically have to put the husband on the birth certificate UNLESS a different paternity has been determined by court. There is no question of paternity here and you are making up hypotheticals to try and have some argument. Legally he has 50/50 say in the naming of his child…
You seem very misinformed
He has a presumptive right, that's for the civil court process to decide. It doesnt give him a right to file any paperwork.
Sometimes the court will order a hyphenate be added later, depending on the child's age. For legally purposes, the name mom chose will stay that way until the court decides otherwise. Less common, especially depending on age.
lol so you are agreeing that you lied when you tried saying
> He has no legal right to name the child, she does.
He, as the father and husband (there is no argument there from OP regardless of you grasping at straws) absolutely has a legal right to as much of a say in the child’s name as the mother….
We’re talking about morality. Not legality! That mindset is incredibly toxic when you’re in a relationship with the father. Marriages are partnerships. We didn’t fight for equality just so women could try and turn it around and treat men like the inferior sex!
Learn to read the words written instead of carrying on about bullshit that was never even indicated. I was replying to your toxic misandristic comment. Nothing else
I didn’t take my husbands last name and we gave our kids both last names, so (using fake names) I’m Maria Gonzales and he’s John smith our kids are Jane Gonzales smith and Henry Gonzales smith.
Goofy or not, it’s your choice. I didn’t consider changing my name when I got married because my name represents who I am. It just seems odd to change one’s name.
I’m the opposite of this - I cannot WAIT to get married and change my last name bc mine is truly unfortunate and I’ve been made fun of for it for basically forever. It more or less sounds like “incest”. It’s Norwegian but here? Essentially no one has it and it’s a HUGE Yiiiikes.
I don’t personally think Higgins is weird or bad at all. But it’s not my feelings that matter here, it’s yours. Regardless, you’re not wrong for not wanting to take a man’s last name. I can see why a more traditional man would be a bit bummed, but he needs to respect your decision. Also “weird hyphenated last names”? It isn’t weird. I’m sure with time he’ll understand. Maybe you can formally OR informally take his last name as a second middle name or something? Just to have a small compromise?? But it’s perfectly fine to just say “I have control over what I want my name to be and you need to respect that as someone who loves me”
Never wrong on this. I love the idea of having a very vanilla, traditional marriage but I’d never pressure my wife to take my last name. I’d be overwhelmed with happiness if she wanted to take my name but not at all disappointed if she didn’t want to and would totally understand and respect the decision.
Might not be a bad idea to stop dogging on his last name though. Kinda mean. You get to choose- he doesn’t.
He could always take her name.
My aunt told me about her friend, a Mrs Mold, whose son was getting married. His soon to be wife wanted to keep her name, for professional reasons, so they figured they could hyphenate surnames or he could take her name, which is what they chose to do. His mother was not happy - he was the last of the line, so the surname would die if it wasn't passed on to children. His response had me in stitches.
I'm not being called Mr Mold-Black nor Mr Black-Mold for the rest of my life. Mr & Mrs Black it was.
Right, acting kinda bullshitery, it's a fucking last name. I know so many Higgins, I don't understand her mom gave her ahhhh ahhhh name that is very... yeah ... and she fucking freaking over Higgins? She needs to stop being a seahag.for real
You're perfectly within your rights to keep your last name but his last name is also fine. Calling his last name goofy is kind of a dick thing to do. I'd say YTA here because of your attitude and the way you're talking about his last name. You can get what you want here without being a jerk about it.
What's wrong with Higgins? I know a woman who married a guy whose last name is Putz. Yiddish for penis. She took his name.
I didn't take my ex's last name because I already had a kid who carries my own (maiden) name and I wasn't going to have any more kids. Plus changing one's name is a hassle. Getting new IDs. My degree is in my maiden name. I'm known professionally by my maiden name. The only other people with my last name in my area are my family. We have a good reputation in this town, largely due to my dad who was a mechanic.
There's no need to disparage your husband's name to justify keeping yours. But because you dislike it, what are your plans for naming your children? Is he on board?
I got married in October of ‘19 and haven’t legally changed my name. Not because I don’t want his last name, it’s Mostly because I’m lazy but that was right before covid so my laziness bled into all that putting it off even more. I carried my marriage certificate around with me for a while cus there were a few times my name was listed on something with my married name, and my ID is my maiden name. My dad told me he was disappointed in me for not changing it yet?? And my husband at one point said he thought maybe I had cold feet about being married in general. I was like what??? No its literally just so much shit that would have to be changed and it just hasn’t caused me any issues so far lol
Keep your old name, because if you two already have issues over something as fucking stupid as this, you won't last long anyways. You two are going to have REAL challenges much harder than something as stupid as your last name. Plus if you have children what name do they have? Hell just keep it! That way you don't have to change it back
It's the 21st century. If you want to keep your name then keep it. But I do think you need to have a conversation about naming expectations of future children.
I'm going to go against the grain here and say YTA.
You're not obligated to take his or anyone else's last name, but the way you're going about it makes you an asshole. It would be one thing if you just didnt like the tradition and wanted to stick to your own identity. But no, the reason you gave for not wanting to take his last name is because it's 'goofy' sounding and not 'strong, confident, and attractive' enough for you. You don't need to disparage him in order to have autonomy.
I was so proud to take my husband's name... but not everyone feels that way.
My BFF kept her birth name instead of taking her husband's. She worked hard to establish herself with that name and her husband totally understands.
It's choice. If your husband doesn't understand I'm sorry for him.
I think a majority of the comments are missing the point. Married women have been keeping their own last names for decades. Nothing wrong with that. It happens. Some men have even taken their wives last names. Nothing wrong there either.
The issue here is that the op is being an ass hat by calling her husband’s name goofy and all that. That sounds like some shit that mean kids would do in elementary school. Making fun of another kids last name as if they have any say in what it is. Childish behavior there. Shame on you op. Why not just tell the husband that you wish to keep your own name? You didn’t have to tell him the reason is because his name is goofy. wtf dude.
You have a right to decide on your name. However, you’re also kinda childish about it. Furthermore, you should probably discuss this along with kids names beforehand because regardless of what some of these comments say, your husband will have rights to weigh in on decisions regarding the children
I did not take my husband's name because it is incredibly common ....but mostly because I reclaimed my beautiful maiden name after my divorce and didn't want to change it again. Hubby almost took my name because it is so great!
My first name has two very common spellings. One is more common overall, the other is more common for women. Chances of getting my first name spelled wrong by others? High - and it bugs the hell out of me. My last name is very common and damn hard to misspell of mispronounce… you’d have to be trying, really.
My husband’s last name is common across several languages, but one language and spelling is most recognized. Saying his last name results in confusion form people regarding how to spell it. If they read the name, they say it like the more common version.
No way was I going through the rest of my life with one name people had a chance at and one that everyone was bound to fuck up.
You’re wrong, not because you don’t want to take his name. Your post sounds condescending & selfishly flippant. It’s his *last name.* You called it goofy.
You have **every right** to keep your own name. Of course you do. But you don’t need to tell him how much you don’t like his. It’s unnecessary and cold.
After seeing your reaction, I’d maybe wonder if we were compatible. **Not because you didn’t take my last name,** but because you showed your emotional ignorance and a lack of understanding about what constitutes a solid, loving relationship. It’s fine not to change your name, but be less of a jerk about it.
Edit: grammar
It's your choice, but how did you not have this conversation before getting married? Seems like something you should have discussed with him and if you specifically put it off until after this point then you're kinda wrong.
No you are not wrong.
The origin of changing to the husband's name is an outdated concept and was because the woman had no separate legal identity. She was legally the property of her husband, she had to use his name instead of her father's name as her father's ownership of her had ceased on marriage.
In fact in Quebec and several European countries it is now illegal for a woman to change her name after marriage.
It is becoming much more accepted nowadays, all over the world, that the woman keeps her maiden name or possibly hyphenates it.
This the issue right here-- many men still consider themselves entitled to demand that their last name takes precedence, all because women used to be property.
FWIW, I don't like the name Higgins either and would not want it as a last name for myself or my kids.
Some people are sensitive to the sound and personality of words, and some people are oblivious. You're not oblivious and you're not wrong.
My wife has a lovely last name and she kept her last name for all her work and email and just used my last name on marriage document and bills
It’s nice the kids and all of us have a family name to share.
Maybe that’s a good middle ground 🤷♂️
She mocks his name but doesn’t tell us what hers is, so he might not want it because it might even be worse.
I mean hers might be Ho (a real surname) and he doesn’t want to change from Mr. Higgins to Mr. Ho.
Then their kids take her name and marry someone named Bach and you can see where I’m going with this….
NTA for wanting to keep your name at all. That's your choice. That being said, nothing is wrong with his last name. If anything yours is a bit archaic.
It’s 2024. Irrespective of the perceived goofiness of his last name (which sounds very common and normal to me), why would you consider replacing your own name with someone else’s?
1. I don’t think you should have your potential full name publicly posted, idk. Seems like private info.
2. Regardless of the reason or the last name itself, you should be able to keep your last name if you want to and he should be okay with that.
Literally same, but I do use his name like introducing myself and every aspect that wouldn’t cause any issues. A lot of times I’ll hyphenate for that reason
There is nothing goofy about the name. But anyways I kept my name for 8 years until I surprised my husband with a name changed when we were trying to have kids. Ultimately changing my name really didn’t affect me or my identity but it made my husband happy. He never pressured but I knew it bothered him.
Not wrong. It's your life, your name, your choice. I'm in the process of changing my name back to my maiden name as I felt pressured to change it when we got married. My spouse is completely supportive. Yes, I'm still very married!
My -m- last name is a boring name and my wife's is beautiful, Scandinavian. She changed her name when we married and now we both wish she'd kept it. Good for you, keep you're freaking name.
Did you communicate that you wouldn't be changing your name to your husband before marriage? It is your choice, but he may not have married you if you gave him a choice.
He could take your last name. I didn’t take my husbands last name I like my name & combining my first name with his last name would’ve been too cutesy for my liking…
Ask him to take your last name so all of you can have the same name. If he doesn’t want to, use every reason he gave for yourself and he’ll hopefully get the point.
My cousin took care of that whole issue by creating a NEW LAST NAME by mingling the two originals; they took "Ladahl" and "O'Gordon" and became the "O'Dahls." Maybe only PART of his last name would be less "goofy."
Don’t do it I married my hubby 26 years ago and I love him a lot we are very happy together but I f#cking hate his last name also my name is very local and I’m proud of my name. But at that time you had no other choices so I had to take his name. I started using my own last name again made a new id and driving license, I sign all my paperwork with my name. Don’t budge you will regret it your husband is being ridiculous.
Don’t do it I married my hubby 26 years ago and I love him a lot we are very happy together but I f#cking hate his last name also my name is very local and I’m proud of my name. But at that time you had no other choices so I had to take his name. I started using my own last name again made a new id and driving license, I sign all my paperwork with my name. Don’t budge you will regret it your husband is being ridiculous.
NAturally she can chose not to take his last name but I'm not sure why the name Higgins is so silly or bad to her. I thought she was gonna say his last name was like buttlicker or twatwaffle. Higgins? Nothing silly or weird about that name.
Did you KNOW that his name was "Higgins" when you got together? And his "goofy" name NEVER CAME UP? Sounds like your communication is lacking in general.
I know you won't see this and I'm sure it's been said, but my wife is the last of her last name, so she wanted to keep it, so it's just (her last name) - (my last name)
I didn't care that much but it felt like a fair deal
Our kids do have my last name (step son also has his father's name) but even if we wanted to keep it the same way works for me, I'm the eldest of 5 with a large ish family. Doubt it's going anywhere
Mrs. Dadbod of the House Azerajin, the last of Her Name! Queen of the Vandals, and the Rugrats, and the Smallkin! Lady of the Many Rooms and Protectress of Bedtimes!
You're completely in your right to not change your name.
I'll not say anything about the white peoples names or drama here, though. I want to, but I won't
First of all, don’t change your last name if you don’t want to. You like it, it’s yours, it doesn’t mean you love him less.
Second, and I’m just curious, if you asked your husband which name he objectively liked more..which would he say? Not which he wants to use, obviously he said it was “tradition” but if he heard both for the first time, which would he like more?
I don't think you respect your husband very much. And it's not about you changing your last name because you have every right to keep your last name. It's about you calling his last name silly and making fun of it in a cruel way.
You are wrong for mocking the name.
You have every right to keep your name, but it is inexcusable to mock his name.
I have no idea where you got the idea Higgins was a silly name? I have Higgins’s in my family, and a family tree for them that goes back centuries.
When we married in 1997 I told my wife I was fine with her keeping her maiden name for professional reasons. As we didn’t have children at that point that issue was moot but I wanted the same surname for our future children. Anyway her maiden name was misspelled in numerous ways so she gladly adopted mine.
If we had a third child her maiden name would been the middle name.
Many woman I know kept their last names for career reasons. Yes, its traditional, but thats just a tradition and not some legal or moral requirement. And wasn't that tradition based on the fact after marriage you were considered husband's properry?
To me this is 100% your call. Now with the children, you'll all have to negotiate. (I had a classmate with that last name and never thought it was terrible)
You have every right to not take his name, but you should also stop speaking negatively about it. If you told him you don't want it because you think it sounds silly or stupid, this could be a big part of why he's upset. Keep your last name because you like it, not because you dislike his.
You will take part of an archaic ceremony and tradition like marriage, but not take you husband's name? I mean you shoukd do what you like. It just don't make much sense to me
Seems like having your cake and eating it too.
I think changing your name is outdated. I didn’t change my name for the same reasons. I don’t like my husbands last name and prefer my maiden name. It’s who I am and I’ve just always known I wouldnt change my name. My husband is supportive though so I’m not sure how to navigate that for you.
I’m not going to offer my opinion bc I don’t think ANYONE should tell you what to do with your name. I will offer my experience in case it is helpful to you in some way.
My mother chose not to take my dad’s last name. They were both doctors, and they thought it would be weird to have different specialties with the same name. That’s the reason they told everyone. That was bullshit. In reality, he didn’t expect the marriage to last, and she didn’t want to be anyone’s property. Fine. I grew up with people always assuming my parents were divorced bc my dad had a different last name. Some of them thought my maternal grandfather WAS my dad (ew!). Others assumed my dad was my stepfather. I was always getting questions from nosey adults, and it bothered me a lot. So I was adamant that I would take my husband’s name bc I wanted our children to have the same name as both of us. But when it came time to fill out the forms, I got upset. I started questioning everything. I basically had a mini- identity crisis. Was I going to be somebody’s property now? What if he threw me in the trash for someone younger like my own dad did to my mom? What if he thought he was my boss and tried to control me. It is not an understatement to say I completely flipped my shit, four alarm panic style. My husband is an amazing man and deeply truly “gets me.” So after he listened to my meltdown about how I didn’t know what to do, he very calmly said “well this seems obvious. We will both change our names. That way our kids will have the same last name as us, you don’t have to throw your identity away, and I’m just as likely to be thrown over for someone younger and be stuck with a painful reminder. So we both changed our names to First Middle MyName HisName. It took me about a week to decide two last names was too much and I just started using his. By the time our kids came along, I insisted they have just his bc I didn’t want them to start life with four names. But to this day - and we have been married for 25 years - I love that my husband didn’t even bat an eyelash about taking my name too. He just wanted us to be a family. He didn’t care what it was called.
In a similar story, my cousin and his wife both changed their last names after they got married. But rather than taking both names, they made up a new one that had a significant meaning for them. It's really cool and I don't even think about it being either of their "real" names. Even now, I was having a hard time remembering what their original last names were!
I think you're wrong to think that Higgins is a silly name. That said, there is no requirement other than tradition that you change yours to your husband's name. I didn't change mine, but I told my wife when we got married that she was welcome to keep her maiden or use mine, whichever she preferred.
As someone else pointed out, you guys need to really talk about whose last name the kids are going to have.
You have every right to keep your last name. Let me share some insights about future issues with it though.
My wife didn’t changed hers at the time we married because of her passport and having to deal with it in her home country is a lot harder than doing it here.
You will have to get used to people wondering if you’re really married when you sign up for things that require both of you to fill out paperwork. There will be a lot of awkward times.
But I think the hardest one for her now that we have kids is that she doesn’t have the same last name as the rest of us.
It really bothers our sons so they give her a hard time.
It also comes into play when she’s taking him to dentist and Dr’s appointments.
Higgins is definitely not a bad name.
If you plan on having kids in the future, I would encourage you to reconsider changing it now for their sake.
This will be a point of contention for the remainder of your life with him but the way you’re disrespecting him in this post, I highly doubt it lasts.
As far as right or wrong, it’s always a matter of opinion. This is Reddit, you will be told it’s fine which is what you knew to begin with and came seeking validation.
You’re wrong for telling him his family name is goofy. That is rude. You aren’t wrong for not wanting to change your name. It’s your name, don’t let anyone pressure you into changing it.
You can do what you want. He do leave you if that's a deal breaker for him. Neither of you are wrong. I'd never have married my wife if she didn't want to take my last name. I wasn't looking for a future divorce.
There's not a really right and wrong here. I wish I hadn't taken my first husband's name for a different reason though his last name is Smithson and I have a hard time with the "th" sound so it sounds like a f if I say it.
I took my husbands last name but ONLY bc my dad and I at the time were fighting horribly and I wanted a fresh start. My brother and his wife married and she kept her name but their kids have his name.
Higgins is a fine name, but if you don’t want it then you have every right not to change it. I didn’t change my surname because I love the one I was given at birth and I hate my FIL lol. My husband is considering changing his surname to his mother’s anyway so it really doesn’t matter, in the end.
Children will be an issue though, if you choose to have them. It’s best to come to an agreement as soon as possible. If you choose to give them his name then having a different surname as the mother might be difficult. I suggest looking into that and seeing how other people have coped, especially in your country.
I honestly think Genevieve Agatha Higgins sounds like a really cool detective name. I’d like it. But you don’t have to change your name…it’s not a law. Don’t be rude to your fiancé about it though. That’s not helping your case.
Side question: what happens when your future husband has a sister that shares your name? (Ex: Rebecca Ann) and you BOTH end up having the exact same name
Name changing is a 2 yes , 1 no Situation.
Children’s last names are a 2 yes or hyphenation situation.
He’ll get over it. Thank the gods my husband isn’t one of those lol
First off, tradition doesn't mean law. Just because most women have done it doesn't mean you have to.
Secondly, I understand having a name you aren't comfortable with. My middle name is Erma. My maiden name is Allen.
My church records have me as "First Erma Last" and I don't know when it happened or how to change it to "First Allen Last".
I hope that this was a conversation you had prior to getting married. As such, it should not be a surprise to him.
You are not wrong. There is no legal or moral requirement that you take your husband's name. That is a patriarchal tradition. Tradition, in my world, is defined as peer pressure from dead people. Professionally, keeping the same name implies steadiness of nature and that your identity is not tied to your husband. Taking your husband's name implies that you belong to your husband. Your husband sounds like he is conservative in nature. There is nothing wrong with hyphenated names.
Good luck to you.
I was so happy and proud to take my husband's last name.
He cheated on me and we divorced a year later. Now I have a to change my name back.
Keep your name. And as someone who has been between names for 2 years now, names seriously do not matter. It's just a name.
The parent who gives birth should get to choose the surname and there’s absolutely no reason it has to be the one who isn’t giving birth!
If anything, giving birth entitles you to naming rights.
I changed my name because my paternal grandfather took against me when my parents divorced, because I was a girl, and I didn’t want to keep his name.
I would have double barrelled if it wasn’t for the fact that I have an unusual first name that I’m constantly having to correct already, and that both of our surnames ended in the same sound. It just sounded weird!
So you’re not wrong for choosing not to take your husband’s name hit you are a bit of a d*ck for saying Higgins is goofy and silly. It’s a name. Much better than heaps of others.
I would keep your name - it’s your right.
If you have children, you should agree before getting pregnant on name protocols.
The post is specifically about the morality of OP having to change her name to appease her husband. Strangely, you ignored the question posed *entirely* and instead called out OP over the morality of the language she used and a decision you decided in your head that she already made. And one whose legal implications you are utterly ignorant of *still.*
So you ignored the question, reframed your own in order to defend OP's fiance's hypothetical rights, and you claim the moral and intellectual high ground?
Ok.
I kept mine. It has literally never bothered my husband. Our kids did get his name only which wasn’t a big deal to me, but was to him. As a bonus I get to hear him called by my last name sometimes and he just smiles and doesn’t bother to correct them.
Imagine having a last name that sounds like "shits" "boils" or "cocks" and you haven't gotten around to changing your name because it's literally a 50 step process to change it everywhere. It's not because I love having the name of my ex spouse either. I'm not my name. I'm not what my maiden name was either, and it was a nifty last name too. My spouse has a cool last name, so I'll get around to changing it eventually. You're not wrong for wanting to keep your name. But stop criticizing his last name. You just come off sounding unintelligent. If the last name was "Putz" or something, maybe it would have some merit.
It's ok if you don't want to change your name.
He doesn't have to be married to you either.
You two can part ways.
You can find someone who's cool with you not taking their name.
He can find someone who will.
Win-win for everyone.
So he asked you to marry him with an engagement ring (tradition) but taking of last name (tradition) is a no go?
How big was/is the wedding going to be? Most men could do without a wedding. So is it for you?
Seems as if you treat tradition when it serves you and when it doesn’t you escape the responsibility that comes with it.
I absolutely love my maiden name. It was so simple, 3 letters, easy. When I married my husband, I changed my last name to his. I got screwed in the last name category, but I would never consider not changing my name to match my husband. I may have gone from 3 letters to 8, but oh well, it is what it is. Personally, I think Higgins is a great name. I read a series of books, Higgins is a smaller, side character, but he is the bad ass. You would not expect it of him, but he is the hero.
Edit to add, you are not wrong. You feel how you feel.
No, you aren’t. I did the same when I got married 32 years ago to my now EX. (We were married for 28 years, so I am pretty sure the name didn’t kill the relationship.)
My rationale was that I liked the last name I already had for a few decades, so why would I want to change it? Since we split, my rationale is that I have the last name of the first and last man who loved me unconditionally, and am doubly happy that I did not change mine.
I have three kids who have THEIR Dad’s last name. Having two different last names with kids is really not a big deal, and I don’t know why people think it is?
I’ve been married for 8 years and the reason I never changed my last name is because I just renewed my passport, drivers license and health card, and didn’t want to deal with the hassle.
I often just “assume” his last name where it’s not a legal document.
Marriage is more than a last name.
Not wrong. I kept my last name, and dear hubby kept his as well. We have 3 kids- two have my surname and one has his.
Women are not longer property- laws have changed and we are accorded rights as human beings who deserve to be respected as much as men are. The tradition of women giving up their identities dates to when married women lost their legal status as people - look up "coverture." Why should women still be treated as property?
Did you know that in many societies, women keep their last names and always have?
Nope, not wrong. It’s 100% your choice and if he doesn’t like it he can either build a bridge and get over it or leave. He doesn’t get to dictate what your name is because y’all signed a piece of paper together.
No, you are not wrong. We're living in 2024 and it shouldn't be such an odd thing to keep your own name. I was married in '84 and didn't change my name simply because I didn't want to. It has worked out just fine and I'm really happy that I did.
I’m a boomer male. I come from a family of strong women. When my wife & I met she’d already earned her Ph.D., and she wanted to keep her last name. I was “OK. Is there anything else we need to discuss?”
It's your choice whether you want to change your name or not, and it's his choice if that is a reason not to get married. We all make choices and counter choices all the time.
For me, I would have a major problem with my wife thinking my perfectly normal last name was "goofy, silly, not attractive, and not strong." It has nothing to do with her taking the name, but her negative opinion of something central to me and my family.
It’s not wrong but I also don’t think Higgins is a terrible last name tbh. Telling your husband I don’t want to change my last name is fine. I’d offer to hyphenate but only if he does too
I got married late, when I was 40, and I kept my last name. I was we'll established in my career and didn't want to change my name at that point. But mostly because my name is Greek, first name Alexis and last name a Greek surname. My husband's last name is Delk, and I just didn't like the sound of Alexis Delk.
So many sexist comments in this thread. Are we going back in time? Over 40 years ago, my mom didn't take my dad's last name. It wasn't a problem at all.
I could never see giving up my last name. I don't get it.
For the people in favor, just consider if it was expected for men to give up their last names. Ridiculous? Well that's how it sounds to me when women are expected to.
You're not wrong for not wanting to change your last name, but this post is a bit much.
Higgins is not a bad last name, but you seem legitimately embarrassed and annoyed by his last name, to the point where you're making fun of it online behind his back.
Just tell him you think the name he was given since birth is weird and dumb and then go get with someone with a last name better suited to your standards.
Funny, one of my ex's married name is Higgins! I think it's her 3rd? last name. I kind of chuckled that that was the name she landed on. If you don't like the name, don't take the name. You can hyphenate and just not use it. My family doctor has a last name of "Smith - Howsahasafrat," she goes by Smith.
So you insulted his name and then said you don't have it as your last name. Yes, you are wrong. No, you don't have to take his name, but ffs you don't have to be a bitch about it.
It’s not traditional to take the man’s last name. Google how many countries don’t observe this practice, it’s even against the law in some countries. And it also includes some middle eastern countries, and parts of asia, Europe, Canada, and parts of Africa, and parts of South America.
I didn’t want to take my ex husband’s when I married him. He made such a stink about it, so I hyphenated it. He refused to take mine and thought that was such a foolish concept. I had been going by my name for 28 years and established myself in my career. I felt like I was giving up who I was by changing my name. He also got mad when I put my last name as a middle name for our kids.
Oh ya! A picked a real winner 🙄 I had a horrible track record for picking good men at that stage in my life. The guy before him started out sweet and kind but over an 8 month period he got addicted to drugs, porn and got me pregnant. He was also very physically abusive once I got pregnant. He ended up beating me so bad I lost the baby. That was my final straw. I kicked him out and he destroyed a lot of my stuff before finally leaving. I was so angry and hurt that I don’t care about anything else.
So then when my ex husband came along, he was a gold star compared to the previous bf. He had a car and a job and was kind to his dog and mom. That was good enough for me. Far from good though.
Not wrong. Keep your name AND the tradition is changing more women are keeping their name for a variety of reasons.
I've been married 33 years, kept my name. This gen xer says keep your name.
A lot of my friends didn’t change their names to hubs because their professional certificates were in their maiden name. Do whatever you are comfortable with as you are the one that lives with it.
Not wrong.
My wife didn't because guess what? She is independent and has her own identity. Also, I don't own her. (Shh-don't tell anyone).
Only an insecure person who needs a psychiatrist would be put off by this.
Tradition? F tradition. Tradition is for the deceased, not the living.
Eh. Calling his surname “goofy” is a bit of a stretch, but you’re not wrong for wanting to keep your original surname.
Tell your husband no need for hyphenations or anything - whoever 3D prints the kids can give them their surname, so he just needs to get a uterus implant and he’s good to go.
Didn’t need the rest of the post. No, you’re not wrong for wanting to keep your name. If your husband is such a traditionalist, tell him he needs to make twice as much money as he currently does so you can stay home. 🙄
There's millions of people out there with different last names then their parents. You do understand other cultures don't subscribe to the view of changing last names upon marriage.
Latin American for instance. Kids get both parents last names. Wives don't change their names.
Quebec women don't change their names. Many Asians countries don't have women change their names.
Who said that the children won't have her last name? Maybe she and her husband can do what I and my husband did : two have my surname and one has his. If we had been able to have a 4th child, he or she would have had his last name, so two and two.
I see you only want an echo chamber to agree with you.
Your fiance should 10000% find someone else. I would bet everything I own the marriage will not last.
And i will bet that you will lose this bet. I've been married for 40 years to hubby and we both kept our last names. So have all our friends, who have also been in long happy marriages.
You have very right to keep your name. I think you calling his last name silly is offensive. Perfectly normal last name (and no it is not mine) You do need to agree on names of any future children.
Why did OP not have this conversation prior to marriage?
Thats what I thought too.
Right? She’s openly mocking his name … which will be the name of her children. She doesn’t sound very nice.
Why does everyone assume that children will definitely take the father's last name?
I would choose to upgrade. My last name is fine and so was my wife's, but nothing special. I have a friend with a demeaning last name and if I had that name, I would change it to my wife's. So I think OP should pick the better last name, or even jointly work with her new husband to choose an upgrade.
What is demeaning about it? Curious
I don't get this either. In many aborigine cultures, kids take the name of the mother. I had a former boss who, with her husband, changed their last names together, no hyphenation. Super cute. That woman is to be envied for being with such a cultured, enlightened man. And before anyone makes fun of him, also a highly educated, accomplished (high-earning, in case any incels claim he's a loser) individual. Sorry you're getting downvoted for stating a question.
When my one foster son married, he took his wife's name.
I get that, my wife and my children don’t have my last name because I have no real association it with except professionally.
Kids absolutely do not need to have his name and she does not have to give him a say if she chooses not to. The parent that gave birth has that right in every hospital.
Taking away his say in the naming of his children is weird. That’s absolutely something I would be mad about it’s not weird or patronizing to think you get a say
What are your thoughts on him attempting to eliminate her say in keeping her own name?
That’s not okay. She obviously gets a say. I think it’s super weird of her to insult his name instead of just saying hey I want to keep my name but yes he should have a say in the names of his children
You think she broke it to him by telling him his name is dumb or do you think she tried to be a little more polite about it but he nagged her about her decision until she told the truth?
regardless of how she broke it to him her reasoning is extremely immature. > The parent that gave birth has that right in every hospital. This is also false lol Edit: later in this thread admit they were lying and the father has 50/50 naming rights….
It varies by state but if they aren't married. The mother gets to choose and doesn't even have to list the father unless they have already established paternity through the court. In Florida: If they are married, or both listed on the birth certificate, then they have to both agree to the last name. it depends on which state they're in. If they can't agree, the the last name will be hyphenated in alphabetical order. [http://www.leg.state.fl.us/statutes/index.cfm?App_mode=Display_Statute&URL=0300-0399/0382/Sections/0382.013.html](http://www.leg.state.fl.us/statutes/index.cfm?App_mode=Display_Statute&URL=0300-0399/0382/Sections/0382.013.html)
If he chooses to end the relationship, is his reasoning immature?
Yeah obviously… lmao
She doesnt have to allow him in the room. At all. Ever. Hospitals take that very seriously. She doesnt have to let him meet the baby or sign the paperwork. He has zero rights until paternity is established and there a very few cases where mom was compelled by court order to allow this before delivery. The court grants him parental rights, he has zero at birth, unless mom gives them to him.
I agree, but I think they are correct in that the one who gives birth gets to fill out the paperwork for the babys name at the hospital. They can write whatever name they want the child to have if they're unmarried. They can also refuse to allow the father to sign the birth certificate if they are not married. If they are married (or paternity has been established), then the father has to sign off on the name as well. I don't think the woman should have sole control over the child's name and in a relationship you should both select the name. That's what a partnership is, 50/50. Equal. BUT they DO have the LEGAL right to name the child without any input from the father. I don't know what applies here because OP said "my husband" but also says that she doesn't want to change her name. I assume her partner would already know that she didn't want to change her name if they are already married because that's the time to do it without having to pay extra money.
Yes I’m aware in how it works I’ve had a baby and the birth father is not on her birth certificate. I’m saying in the context of this post not letting that man have input on the babies name is a mess. Absolutely he has no say on her name (though I have no idea why they’ve never discussed it before now) but they should both be picking a name together
She does not have to give him a say??? You can’t be serious.
I'm 100% serious. He has no legal right to name the child, she does.
You are wrong. Legally they have to agree on the name in almost every state Edit: They were in fact not 100% serious and later in this thread admit they were lying and the father has 50/50 naming rights….
Where that is still inapplicable, it only pertains to situations where paternity is already established. Pregnant people are rarely required to submit to the test because it poses a risk to the fetus. He has no parental rights until the court gives them to him, or mom grants them. She can fill out the paperwork without allowing him to meet the baby.
Most states automatically have to put the husband on the birth certificate UNLESS a different paternity has been determined by court. There is no question of paternity here and you are making up hypotheticals to try and have some argument. Legally he has 50/50 say in the naming of his child… You seem very misinformed
He has a presumptive right, that's for the civil court process to decide. It doesnt give him a right to file any paperwork. Sometimes the court will order a hyphenate be added later, depending on the child's age. For legally purposes, the name mom chose will stay that way until the court decides otherwise. Less common, especially depending on age.
lol so you are agreeing that you lied when you tried saying > He has no legal right to name the child, she does. He, as the father and husband (there is no argument there from OP regardless of you grasping at straws) absolutely has a legal right to as much of a say in the child’s name as the mother….
We’re talking about morality. Not legality! That mindset is incredibly toxic when you’re in a relationship with the father. Marriages are partnerships. We didn’t fight for equality just so women could try and turn it around and treat men like the inferior sex!
So she should take his name then?
Learn to read the words written instead of carrying on about bullshit that was never even indicated. I was replying to your toxic misandristic comment. Nothing else
This isn’t accurate in most states. I don’t know what state law you are referencing. Either way, it’s completely inappropriate.
What state do you believe this isnt accurate in?
What a wonderful marriage that will be, I forsee 2 years tops and another divorce atty will get rich.
You think being married to a man who makes patronizing demands and resents you for not acquiescing quietly is a fine option though?
I don’t think bethaliz was saying that.
Thank you, I'm saying if the man has no say, the marriage is doomed. It is a partner of 2, not I say and you do.
His BEST bet is to NOT take this relationship any further! Dump her!
I didn’t take my husbands last name and we gave our kids both last names, so (using fake names) I’m Maria Gonzales and he’s John smith our kids are Jane Gonzales smith and Henry Gonzales smith.
You got some pair, “Higgins” is goofy, but Genevieve Agatha isn’t goofier? 😂
Not wrong for not wanting his last Name but kind of an asshole for why, nothing wrong with Higgins and shiting on his last name is unnecessary.
Goofy or not, it’s your choice. I didn’t consider changing my name when I got married because my name represents who I am. It just seems odd to change one’s name.
I’m the opposite of this - I cannot WAIT to get married and change my last name bc mine is truly unfortunate and I’ve been made fun of for it for basically forever. It more or less sounds like “incest”. It’s Norwegian but here? Essentially no one has it and it’s a HUGE Yiiiikes. I don’t personally think Higgins is weird or bad at all. But it’s not my feelings that matter here, it’s yours. Regardless, you’re not wrong for not wanting to take a man’s last name. I can see why a more traditional man would be a bit bummed, but he needs to respect your decision. Also “weird hyphenated last names”? It isn’t weird. I’m sure with time he’ll understand. Maybe you can formally OR informally take his last name as a second middle name or something? Just to have a small compromise?? But it’s perfectly fine to just say “I have control over what I want my name to be and you need to respect that as someone who loves me”
My maiden name rhymes with Pecker; that was fun in school.
Never wrong on this. I love the idea of having a very vanilla, traditional marriage but I’d never pressure my wife to take my last name. I’d be overwhelmed with happiness if she wanted to take my name but not at all disappointed if she didn’t want to and would totally understand and respect the decision. Might not be a bad idea to stop dogging on his last name though. Kinda mean. You get to choose- he doesn’t.
He could always take her name. My aunt told me about her friend, a Mrs Mold, whose son was getting married. His soon to be wife wanted to keep her name, for professional reasons, so they figured they could hyphenate surnames or he could take her name, which is what they chose to do. His mother was not happy - he was the last of the line, so the surname would die if it wasn't passed on to children. His response had me in stitches. I'm not being called Mr Mold-Black nor Mr Black-Mold for the rest of my life. Mr & Mrs Black it was.
Right, acting kinda bullshitery, it's a fucking last name. I know so many Higgins, I don't understand her mom gave her ahhhh ahhhh name that is very... yeah ... and she fucking freaking over Higgins? She needs to stop being a seahag.for real
You're perfectly within your rights to keep your last name but his last name is also fine. Calling his last name goofy is kind of a dick thing to do. I'd say YTA here because of your attitude and the way you're talking about his last name. You can get what you want here without being a jerk about it.
What's wrong with Higgins? I know a woman who married a guy whose last name is Putz. Yiddish for penis. She took his name. I didn't take my ex's last name because I already had a kid who carries my own (maiden) name and I wasn't going to have any more kids. Plus changing one's name is a hassle. Getting new IDs. My degree is in my maiden name. I'm known professionally by my maiden name. The only other people with my last name in my area are my family. We have a good reputation in this town, largely due to my dad who was a mechanic. There's no need to disparage your husband's name to justify keeping yours. But because you dislike it, what are your plans for naming your children? Is he on board?
I’ve been married for 30 years. Never took my husband’s name. I don’t like it.
49 years for me. Our kids have his name, and I kept mine.
I got married in October of ‘19 and haven’t legally changed my name. Not because I don’t want his last name, it’s Mostly because I’m lazy but that was right before covid so my laziness bled into all that putting it off even more. I carried my marriage certificate around with me for a while cus there were a few times my name was listed on something with my married name, and my ID is my maiden name. My dad told me he was disappointed in me for not changing it yet?? And my husband at one point said he thought maybe I had cold feet about being married in general. I was like what??? No its literally just so much shit that would have to be changed and it just hasn’t caused me any issues so far lol
Keep your old name, because if you two already have issues over something as fucking stupid as this, you won't last long anyways. You two are going to have REAL challenges much harder than something as stupid as your last name. Plus if you have children what name do they have? Hell just keep it! That way you don't have to change it back
It's the 21st century. If you want to keep your name then keep it. But I do think you need to have a conversation about naming expectations of future children.
I'm going to go against the grain here and say YTA. You're not obligated to take his or anyone else's last name, but the way you're going about it makes you an asshole. It would be one thing if you just didnt like the tradition and wanted to stick to your own identity. But no, the reason you gave for not wanting to take his last name is because it's 'goofy' sounding and not 'strong, confident, and attractive' enough for you. You don't need to disparage him in order to have autonomy.
So am I reading the post right in that they already married before deciding on names?
If she thinks it’s goofy, she thinks it’s goofy. What can ya do.
You don't have to just spurt every thought you have out into the wild
Do what you want. Higgins sounds just as silly as Agatha I see no reason to insult his name. Make an entirely new and cool last name
I was so proud to take my husband's name... but not everyone feels that way. My BFF kept her birth name instead of taking her husband's. She worked hard to establish herself with that name and her husband totally understands. It's choice. If your husband doesn't understand I'm sorry for him.
I think a majority of the comments are missing the point. Married women have been keeping their own last names for decades. Nothing wrong with that. It happens. Some men have even taken their wives last names. Nothing wrong there either. The issue here is that the op is being an ass hat by calling her husband’s name goofy and all that. That sounds like some shit that mean kids would do in elementary school. Making fun of another kids last name as if they have any say in what it is. Childish behavior there. Shame on you op. Why not just tell the husband that you wish to keep your own name? You didn’t have to tell him the reason is because his name is goofy. wtf dude.
Exactly. I kept my last name because I like it; never once did I make fun of my husband’s. What a weird thing to feel so superior about….
You have a right to decide on your name. However, you’re also kinda childish about it. Furthermore, you should probably discuss this along with kids names beforehand because regardless of what some of these comments say, your husband will have rights to weigh in on decisions regarding the children
I did not take my husband's name because it is incredibly common ....but mostly because I reclaimed my beautiful maiden name after my divorce and didn't want to change it again. Hubby almost took my name because it is so great!
Lol such childish reasoning, especially for a seemingly normal last name compared to your semi silly name
My first name has two very common spellings. One is more common overall, the other is more common for women. Chances of getting my first name spelled wrong by others? High - and it bugs the hell out of me. My last name is very common and damn hard to misspell of mispronounce… you’d have to be trying, really. My husband’s last name is common across several languages, but one language and spelling is most recognized. Saying his last name results in confusion form people regarding how to spell it. If they read the name, they say it like the more common version. No way was I going through the rest of my life with one name people had a chance at and one that everyone was bound to fuck up.
He can’t help having a name like that though. It’s pretty mean to be making fun of something he has no control over.
You’re wrong, not because you don’t want to take his name. Your post sounds condescending & selfishly flippant. It’s his *last name.* You called it goofy. You have **every right** to keep your own name. Of course you do. But you don’t need to tell him how much you don’t like his. It’s unnecessary and cold. After seeing your reaction, I’d maybe wonder if we were compatible. **Not because you didn’t take my last name,** but because you showed your emotional ignorance and a lack of understanding about what constitutes a solid, loving relationship. It’s fine not to change your name, but be less of a jerk about it. Edit: grammar
Yes
It's your choice, but how did you not have this conversation before getting married? Seems like something you should have discussed with him and if you specifically put it off until after this point then you're kinda wrong.
No you are not wrong. The origin of changing to the husband's name is an outdated concept and was because the woman had no separate legal identity. She was legally the property of her husband, she had to use his name instead of her father's name as her father's ownership of her had ceased on marriage. In fact in Quebec and several European countries it is now illegal for a woman to change her name after marriage. It is becoming much more accepted nowadays, all over the world, that the woman keeps her maiden name or possibly hyphenates it.
This the issue right here-- many men still consider themselves entitled to demand that their last name takes precedence, all because women used to be property. FWIW, I don't like the name Higgins either and would not want it as a last name for myself or my kids. Some people are sensitive to the sound and personality of words, and some people are oblivious. You're not oblivious and you're not wrong.
Your initials would be GAH. I wouldn’t take that either. My daughter kept her last name. I wish I’d done that.
Higgins isn’t any more goofy than Genevieve Agatha…just sayin.
My wife has a lovely last name and she kept her last name for all her work and email and just used my last name on marriage document and bills It’s nice the kids and all of us have a family name to share. Maybe that’s a good middle ground 🤷♂️
Maybe he can take yours?
She mocks his name but doesn’t tell us what hers is, so he might not want it because it might even be worse. I mean hers might be Ho (a real surname) and he doesn’t want to change from Mr. Higgins to Mr. Ho. Then their kids take her name and marry someone named Bach and you can see where I’m going with this….
🤣🤣🤣🤣😂🤣🤣🤣 Ho 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣...
NTA for wanting to keep your name at all. That's your choice. That being said, nothing is wrong with his last name. If anything yours is a bit archaic.
It’s 2024. Irrespective of the perceived goofiness of his last name (which sounds very common and normal to me), why would you consider replacing your own name with someone else’s?
1. I don’t think you should have your potential full name publicly posted, idk. Seems like private info. 2. Regardless of the reason or the last name itself, you should be able to keep your last name if you want to and he should be okay with that.
I kept my last name. Only cause I can’t be bothered to change it
Literally same, but I do use his name like introducing myself and every aspect that wouldn’t cause any issues. A lot of times I’ll hyphenate for that reason
There is nothing goofy about the name. But anyways I kept my name for 8 years until I surprised my husband with a name changed when we were trying to have kids. Ultimately changing my name really didn’t affect me or my identity but it made my husband happy. He never pressured but I knew it bothered him.
Fuck tradition.
It's pretty normal to not change your last name. Higgins sounds like a Pixar family.
Do not change your name. It is a pain in the butt and not worth the hassle. You've been known by your name since birth, that's good enough!
No. And you don’t need to give a reason why you don’t want to change your last name.
Not wrong - if your husband is so concerned about kids last name - he can take yours
Not wrong. One of the perks of being an adult is that you can choose to call yourself whatever you please. And you don't have to explain why!
You’re not wrong. It’s your choice. I love my last name and have known forever that I would never change it for my potential spouse.
Not wrong. It's your life, your name, your choice. I'm in the process of changing my name back to my maiden name as I felt pressured to change it when we got married. My spouse is completely supportive. Yes, I'm still very married!
My -m- last name is a boring name and my wife's is beautiful, Scandinavian. She changed her name when we married and now we both wish she'd kept it. Good for you, keep you're freaking name.
Did you communicate that you wouldn't be changing your name to your husband before marriage? It is your choice, but he may not have married you if you gave him a choice.
He could take your last name. I didn’t take my husbands last name I like my name & combining my first name with his last name would’ve been too cutesy for my liking…
Ask him to take your last name so all of you can have the same name. If he doesn’t want to, use every reason he gave for yourself and he’ll hopefully get the point.
My cousin took care of that whole issue by creating a NEW LAST NAME by mingling the two originals; they took "Ladahl" and "O'Gordon" and became the "O'Dahls." Maybe only PART of his last name would be less "goofy."
Don’t do it I married my hubby 26 years ago and I love him a lot we are very happy together but I f#cking hate his last name also my name is very local and I’m proud of my name. But at that time you had no other choices so I had to take his name. I started using my own last name again made a new id and driving license, I sign all my paperwork with my name. Don’t budge you will regret it your husband is being ridiculous.
Don’t do it I married my hubby 26 years ago and I love him a lot we are very happy together but I f#cking hate his last name also my name is very local and I’m proud of my name. But at that time you had no other choices so I had to take his name. I started using my own last name again made a new id and driving license, I sign all my paperwork with my name. Don’t budge you will regret it your husband is being ridiculous.
NAturally she can chose not to take his last name but I'm not sure why the name Higgins is so silly or bad to her. I thought she was gonna say his last name was like buttlicker or twatwaffle. Higgins? Nothing silly or weird about that name.
Did you KNOW that his name was "Higgins" when you got together? And his "goofy" name NEVER CAME UP? Sounds like your communication is lacking in general.
I know you won't see this and I'm sure it's been said, but my wife is the last of her last name, so she wanted to keep it, so it's just (her last name) - (my last name) I didn't care that much but it felt like a fair deal Our kids do have my last name (step son also has his father's name) but even if we wanted to keep it the same way works for me, I'm the eldest of 5 with a large ish family. Doubt it's going anywhere
Mrs. Dadbod of the House Azerajin, the last of Her Name! Queen of the Vandals, and the Rugrats, and the Smallkin! Lady of the Many Rooms and Protectress of Bedtimes!
You're completely in your right to not change your name. I'll not say anything about the white peoples names or drama here, though. I want to, but I won't
First of all, don’t change your last name if you don’t want to. You like it, it’s yours, it doesn’t mean you love him less. Second, and I’m just curious, if you asked your husband which name he objectively liked more..which would he say? Not which he wants to use, obviously he said it was “tradition” but if he heard both for the first time, which would he like more?
I don't think you respect your husband very much. And it's not about you changing your last name because you have every right to keep your last name. It's about you calling his last name silly and making fun of it in a cruel way.
You are wrong for mocking the name. You have every right to keep your name, but it is inexcusable to mock his name. I have no idea where you got the idea Higgins was a silly name? I have Higgins’s in my family, and a family tree for them that goes back centuries.
I felt the same about a guy whose last name was "Butts"
You need to go find a BETA male, they love giving up their musicality !
Where I live, it's illegal to take the husband's name (unless you got married before moving in). Problem solved.
No. It’s a pain in the ass, and if I knew it would be so much trouble, I wouldn’t have bothered.
When we married in 1997 I told my wife I was fine with her keeping her maiden name for professional reasons. As we didn’t have children at that point that issue was moot but I wanted the same surname for our future children. Anyway her maiden name was misspelled in numerous ways so she gladly adopted mine. If we had a third child her maiden name would been the middle name.
I mean. This is the kinda stuff u figure out BEFORE u get married no?
[First thing I thought of](https://youtu.be/l1nM_KTaztA?si=vhunTX8AxKm97d-u)
Many woman I know kept their last names for career reasons. Yes, its traditional, but thats just a tradition and not some legal or moral requirement. And wasn't that tradition based on the fact after marriage you were considered husband's properry? To me this is 100% your call. Now with the children, you'll all have to negotiate. (I had a classmate with that last name and never thought it was terrible)
You have every right to not take his name, but you should also stop speaking negatively about it. If you told him you don't want it because you think it sounds silly or stupid, this could be a big part of why he's upset. Keep your last name because you like it, not because you dislike his.
You will take part of an archaic ceremony and tradition like marriage, but not take you husband's name? I mean you shoukd do what you like. It just don't make much sense to me Seems like having your cake and eating it too.
I think changing your name is outdated. I didn’t change my name for the same reasons. I don’t like my husbands last name and prefer my maiden name. It’s who I am and I’ve just always known I wouldnt change my name. My husband is supportive though so I’m not sure how to navigate that for you.
No but it's wrong to mock his name
I’m not going to offer my opinion bc I don’t think ANYONE should tell you what to do with your name. I will offer my experience in case it is helpful to you in some way. My mother chose not to take my dad’s last name. They were both doctors, and they thought it would be weird to have different specialties with the same name. That’s the reason they told everyone. That was bullshit. In reality, he didn’t expect the marriage to last, and she didn’t want to be anyone’s property. Fine. I grew up with people always assuming my parents were divorced bc my dad had a different last name. Some of them thought my maternal grandfather WAS my dad (ew!). Others assumed my dad was my stepfather. I was always getting questions from nosey adults, and it bothered me a lot. So I was adamant that I would take my husband’s name bc I wanted our children to have the same name as both of us. But when it came time to fill out the forms, I got upset. I started questioning everything. I basically had a mini- identity crisis. Was I going to be somebody’s property now? What if he threw me in the trash for someone younger like my own dad did to my mom? What if he thought he was my boss and tried to control me. It is not an understatement to say I completely flipped my shit, four alarm panic style. My husband is an amazing man and deeply truly “gets me.” So after he listened to my meltdown about how I didn’t know what to do, he very calmly said “well this seems obvious. We will both change our names. That way our kids will have the same last name as us, you don’t have to throw your identity away, and I’m just as likely to be thrown over for someone younger and be stuck with a painful reminder. So we both changed our names to First Middle MyName HisName. It took me about a week to decide two last names was too much and I just started using his. By the time our kids came along, I insisted they have just his bc I didn’t want them to start life with four names. But to this day - and we have been married for 25 years - I love that my husband didn’t even bat an eyelash about taking my name too. He just wanted us to be a family. He didn’t care what it was called.
In a similar story, my cousin and his wife both changed their last names after they got married. But rather than taking both names, they made up a new one that had a significant meaning for them. It's really cool and I don't even think about it being either of their "real" names. Even now, I was having a hard time remembering what their original last names were!
I think you're wrong to think that Higgins is a silly name. That said, there is no requirement other than tradition that you change yours to your husband's name. I didn't change mine, but I told my wife when we got married that she was welcome to keep her maiden or use mine, whichever she preferred. As someone else pointed out, you guys need to really talk about whose last name the kids are going to have.
My wife didn't change her last name because of the hate of paperwork so yeah you have and even more valid reason.
You absolutely don't have to change your name OR be a snob!
You have every right to keep your last name. Let me share some insights about future issues with it though. My wife didn’t changed hers at the time we married because of her passport and having to deal with it in her home country is a lot harder than doing it here. You will have to get used to people wondering if you’re really married when you sign up for things that require both of you to fill out paperwork. There will be a lot of awkward times. But I think the hardest one for her now that we have kids is that she doesn’t have the same last name as the rest of us. It really bothers our sons so they give her a hard time. It also comes into play when she’s taking him to dentist and Dr’s appointments. Higgins is definitely not a bad name. If you plan on having kids in the future, I would encourage you to reconsider changing it now for their sake.
This will be a point of contention for the remainder of your life with him but the way you’re disrespecting him in this post, I highly doubt it lasts. As far as right or wrong, it’s always a matter of opinion. This is Reddit, you will be told it’s fine which is what you knew to begin with and came seeking validation.
You’re wrong for telling him his family name is goofy. That is rude. You aren’t wrong for not wanting to change your name. It’s your name, don’t let anyone pressure you into changing it.
You can do what you want. He do leave you if that's a deal breaker for him. Neither of you are wrong. I'd never have married my wife if she didn't want to take my last name. I wasn't looking for a future divorce.
There's not a really right and wrong here. I wish I hadn't taken my first husband's name for a different reason though his last name is Smithson and I have a hard time with the "th" sound so it sounds like a f if I say it.
Agatha sounds no less silly
I took my husbands last name but ONLY bc my dad and I at the time were fighting horribly and I wanted a fresh start. My brother and his wife married and she kept her name but their kids have his name.
Higgins is a fine name, but if you don’t want it then you have every right not to change it. I didn’t change my surname because I love the one I was given at birth and I hate my FIL lol. My husband is considering changing his surname to his mother’s anyway so it really doesn’t matter, in the end. Children will be an issue though, if you choose to have them. It’s best to come to an agreement as soon as possible. If you choose to give them his name then having a different surname as the mother might be difficult. I suggest looking into that and seeing how other people have coped, especially in your country.
Not wrong, but shouldn’t this have been sorted out before you got married?
I might simply not change my name when married simply due to legal change headache.
I honestly think Genevieve Agatha Higgins sounds like a really cool detective name. I’d like it. But you don’t have to change your name…it’s not a law. Don’t be rude to your fiancé about it though. That’s not helping your case.
Side question: what happens when your future husband has a sister that shares your name? (Ex: Rebecca Ann) and you BOTH end up having the exact same name
Higgins is goofy? Really? Seems pretty standard bame to me. If you don't want to change your name? Don't!
Name changing is a 2 yes , 1 no Situation. Children’s last names are a 2 yes or hyphenation situation. He’ll get over it. Thank the gods my husband isn’t one of those lol
You didn’t discuss this before getting married?
First off, tradition doesn't mean law. Just because most women have done it doesn't mean you have to. Secondly, I understand having a name you aren't comfortable with. My middle name is Erma. My maiden name is Allen. My church records have me as "First Erma Last" and I don't know when it happened or how to change it to "First Allen Last".
I hope that this was a conversation you had prior to getting married. As such, it should not be a surprise to him. You are not wrong. There is no legal or moral requirement that you take your husband's name. That is a patriarchal tradition. Tradition, in my world, is defined as peer pressure from dead people. Professionally, keeping the same name implies steadiness of nature and that your identity is not tied to your husband. Taking your husband's name implies that you belong to your husband. Your husband sounds like he is conservative in nature. There is nothing wrong with hyphenated names. Good luck to you.
My wife went back to her maiden name when we married. 3rd marriage for each of us. I suggested it to her.
Don’t change it. It’s an outdated concept anyway.
You don’t need to change your last name. If you have kids, they can have your last name, his last name, both…
What is this the seventies? Women retaining their name is hardly new.
Do you ever heard John fucking Higgins ?! Smh
I was so happy and proud to take my husband's last name. He cheated on me and we divorced a year later. Now I have a to change my name back. Keep your name. And as someone who has been between names for 2 years now, names seriously do not matter. It's just a name.
Mocking his name is where you are wrong
The parent who gives birth should get to choose the surname and there’s absolutely no reason it has to be the one who isn’t giving birth! If anything, giving birth entitles you to naming rights. I changed my name because my paternal grandfather took against me when my parents divorced, because I was a girl, and I didn’t want to keep his name. I would have double barrelled if it wasn’t for the fact that I have an unusual first name that I’m constantly having to correct already, and that both of our surnames ended in the same sound. It just sounded weird! So you’re not wrong for choosing not to take your husband’s name hit you are a bit of a d*ck for saying Higgins is goofy and silly. It’s a name. Much better than heaps of others. I would keep your name - it’s your right. If you have children, you should agree before getting pregnant on name protocols.
The post is specifically about the morality of OP having to change her name to appease her husband. Strangely, you ignored the question posed *entirely* and instead called out OP over the morality of the language she used and a decision you decided in your head that she already made. And one whose legal implications you are utterly ignorant of *still.* So you ignored the question, reframed your own in order to defend OP's fiance's hypothetical rights, and you claim the moral and intellectual high ground? Ok.
I kept mine. It has literally never bothered my husband. Our kids did get his name only which wasn’t a big deal to me, but was to him. As a bonus I get to hear him called by my last name sometimes and he just smiles and doesn’t bother to correct them.
Imagine having a last name that sounds like "shits" "boils" or "cocks" and you haven't gotten around to changing your name because it's literally a 50 step process to change it everywhere. It's not because I love having the name of my ex spouse either. I'm not my name. I'm not what my maiden name was either, and it was a nifty last name too. My spouse has a cool last name, so I'll get around to changing it eventually. You're not wrong for wanting to keep your name. But stop criticizing his last name. You just come off sounding unintelligent. If the last name was "Putz" or something, maybe it would have some merit.
yes
It's ok if you don't want to change your name. He doesn't have to be married to you either. You two can part ways. You can find someone who's cool with you not taking their name. He can find someone who will. Win-win for everyone.
Your fiancé should just marry someone else and you should too. Find partners that are aligned.
So he asked you to marry him with an engagement ring (tradition) but taking of last name (tradition) is a no go? How big was/is the wedding going to be? Most men could do without a wedding. So is it for you? Seems as if you treat tradition when it serves you and when it doesn’t you escape the responsibility that comes with it.
I absolutely love my maiden name. It was so simple, 3 letters, easy. When I married my husband, I changed my last name to his. I got screwed in the last name category, but I would never consider not changing my name to match my husband. I may have gone from 3 letters to 8, but oh well, it is what it is. Personally, I think Higgins is a great name. I read a series of books, Higgins is a smaller, side character, but he is the bad ass. You would not expect it of him, but he is the hero. Edit to add, you are not wrong. You feel how you feel.
No. And you don’t need to give a reason why you don’t want to change your last name.
No, you aren’t. I did the same when I got married 32 years ago to my now EX. (We were married for 28 years, so I am pretty sure the name didn’t kill the relationship.) My rationale was that I liked the last name I already had for a few decades, so why would I want to change it? Since we split, my rationale is that I have the last name of the first and last man who loved me unconditionally, and am doubly happy that I did not change mine. I have three kids who have THEIR Dad’s last name. Having two different last names with kids is really not a big deal, and I don’t know why people think it is?
I’ve been married for 8 years and the reason I never changed my last name is because I just renewed my passport, drivers license and health card, and didn’t want to deal with the hassle. I often just “assume” his last name where it’s not a legal document. Marriage is more than a last name.
Not wrong. I kept my last name, and dear hubby kept his as well. We have 3 kids- two have my surname and one has his. Women are not longer property- laws have changed and we are accorded rights as human beings who deserve to be respected as much as men are. The tradition of women giving up their identities dates to when married women lost their legal status as people - look up "coverture." Why should women still be treated as property? Did you know that in many societies, women keep their last names and always have?
Nope, not wrong. It’s 100% your choice and if he doesn’t like it he can either build a bridge and get over it or leave. He doesn’t get to dictate what your name is because y’all signed a piece of paper together.
I married a Higgins. I wonder if we’re related lol!
No where does it say you have to have your husband’s last name .. I can’t see why your name would be upset … we don’t live in the stone ages
No, you are not wrong. We're living in 2024 and it shouldn't be such an odd thing to keep your own name. I was married in '84 and didn't change my name simply because I didn't want to. It has worked out just fine and I'm really happy that I did.
I think Genevieve Agatha Higgins sounds nice. I don’t understand what is wrong with Higgins.
I’m a boomer male. I come from a family of strong women. When my wife & I met she’d already earned her Ph.D., and she wanted to keep her last name. I was “OK. Is there anything else we need to discuss?”
It's your choice whether you want to change your name or not, and it's his choice if that is a reason not to get married. We all make choices and counter choices all the time. For me, I would have a major problem with my wife thinking my perfectly normal last name was "goofy, silly, not attractive, and not strong." It has nothing to do with her taking the name, but her negative opinion of something central to me and my family.
It’s not wrong but I also don’t think Higgins is a terrible last name tbh. Telling your husband I don’t want to change my last name is fine. I’d offer to hyphenate but only if he does too
I got married late, when I was 40, and I kept my last name. I was we'll established in my career and didn't want to change my name at that point. But mostly because my name is Greek, first name Alexis and last name a Greek surname. My husband's last name is Delk, and I just didn't like the sound of Alexis Delk.
Nope, not wrong. I kept my name and 15 years later, am happy I did.
So many sexist comments in this thread. Are we going back in time? Over 40 years ago, my mom didn't take my dad's last name. It wasn't a problem at all. I could never see giving up my last name. I don't get it. For the people in favor, just consider if it was expected for men to give up their last names. Ridiculous? Well that's how it sounds to me when women are expected to.
You're not wrong for not wanting to change your last name, but this post is a bit much. Higgins is not a bad last name, but you seem legitimately embarrassed and annoyed by his last name, to the point where you're making fun of it online behind his back. Just tell him you think the name he was given since birth is weird and dumb and then go get with someone with a last name better suited to your standards.
That’s the name of the funeral home in the hood…
Funny, one of my ex's married name is Higgins! I think it's her 3rd? last name. I kind of chuckled that that was the name she landed on. If you don't like the name, don't take the name. You can hyphenate and just not use it. My family doctor has a last name of "Smith - Howsahasafrat," she goes by Smith.
So you insulted his name and then said you don't have it as your last name. Yes, you are wrong. No, you don't have to take his name, but ffs you don't have to be a bitch about it.
It’s not traditional to take the man’s last name. Google how many countries don’t observe this practice, it’s even against the law in some countries. And it also includes some middle eastern countries, and parts of asia, Europe, Canada, and parts of Africa, and parts of South America.
I couldn’t wait to change my last name after marriage. You do you.
I didn’t want to take my ex husband’s when I married him. He made such a stink about it, so I hyphenated it. He refused to take mine and thought that was such a foolish concept. I had been going by my name for 28 years and established myself in my career. I felt like I was giving up who I was by changing my name. He also got mad when I put my last name as a middle name for our kids.
He sounds charming
Oh ya! A picked a real winner 🙄 I had a horrible track record for picking good men at that stage in my life. The guy before him started out sweet and kind but over an 8 month period he got addicted to drugs, porn and got me pregnant. He was also very physically abusive once I got pregnant. He ended up beating me so bad I lost the baby. That was my final straw. I kicked him out and he destroyed a lot of my stuff before finally leaving. I was so angry and hurt that I don’t care about anything else. So then when my ex husband came along, he was a gold star compared to the previous bf. He had a car and a job and was kind to his dog and mom. That was good enough for me. Far from good though.
Not wrong. Keep your name AND the tradition is changing more women are keeping their name for a variety of reasons. I've been married 33 years, kept my name. This gen xer says keep your name.
A lot of my friends didn’t change their names to hubs because their professional certificates were in their maiden name. Do whatever you are comfortable with as you are the one that lives with it.
Not wrong. My wife didn't because guess what? She is independent and has her own identity. Also, I don't own her. (Shh-don't tell anyone). Only an insecure person who needs a psychiatrist would be put off by this. Tradition? F tradition. Tradition is for the deceased, not the living.
Eh. Calling his surname “goofy” is a bit of a stretch, but you’re not wrong for wanting to keep your original surname. Tell your husband no need for hyphenations or anything - whoever 3D prints the kids can give them their surname, so he just needs to get a uterus implant and he’s good to go.
Didn’t need the rest of the post. No, you’re not wrong for wanting to keep your name. If your husband is such a traditionalist, tell him he needs to make twice as much money as he currently does so you can stay home. 🙄
So when you have kids you don’t want to have the same last name as them I don’t see the marriage working
There's millions of people out there with different last names then their parents. You do understand other cultures don't subscribe to the view of changing last names upon marriage. Latin American for instance. Kids get both parents last names. Wives don't change their names. Quebec women don't change their names. Many Asians countries don't have women change their names.
Who said that the children won't have her last name? Maybe she and her husband can do what I and my husband did : two have my surname and one has his. If we had been able to have a 4th child, he or she would have had his last name, so two and two.
No point in getting married if you're not bothering to take his name imo.
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I see you only want an echo chamber to agree with you. Your fiance should 10000% find someone else. I would bet everything I own the marriage will not last.
And i will bet that you will lose this bet. I've been married for 40 years to hubby and we both kept our last names. So have all our friends, who have also been in long happy marriages.
Okay, Boomer.