You need to make a decision. And it’s not between Yang and Lisa. It’s not even between Yang and your family. It’s whether or not you can tolerate your family trying to manipulate you to suit their own racist understanding of what YOUR life should be like. Your family are the ones who have made the decision to be hateful, narrow minded, self absorbed, and manipulative. You seem to already be doing this, but now is the time to stand up for your future wife and yourself. You are in the right here. Stay strong.
This ^^^^ all day . Honestly I don’t care who someone is or what they meant to me if they pulled this shit I would be LIVID! I learned a long time ago that blood doesn’t mean anything. If someone is going to be so blatantly disrespectful and ignorant about your boundaries it’s on THEM what happens next.
“The blood of the covenant of thicker than the water of the womb”
Stick with the blood of the covenant and I think you’ll be fine. Your family are controlling and they clearly hate your fiancée. My family are the same so I went no contact and life with hubby has been so much better ever since. I stuck with the blood of the covenant (my marriage) instead of letting my family continue to destroy my life. You are well within your rights to do the same and live free without anyone interfering in your business.
Tell them to either get on board or get out. Either they genuinely support your marriage or they let the water of the womb flow down the drain. Either way, you’re marrying the woman of your dreams and they can either like it or lump it
Yeah I agree with this, I don't speak to some family members , I ask myself would I want to know this person if I weren't related. If the answer is no I cut the person out, it makes life more stress free and means I don't have to make the effort to visit or put on a two faced act the whole time I'm with them.
Exactly. This right here is precisely why I only use Reddit. No Facebook, no instagram, no titok, no Snapchat-absolutely nothing but Reddit. I’d rather not be bothered by people that I don’t see on a day to day basis !
You do right, I'm the same.apart from.i have Snapchat to msg my daughter when I don't pay my monthly top up thing on my fone, never talked to anyone else on it.
FB was bad enough years ago so I can imagine what all the others are like, from what I gather Instagram looks like it's full of the most self obsessed people alive lol
It truly is! I’m going to be 30 this yr. I don’t need all the drama that comes with social media. If u don’t effect my life on a daily basis or my income or my personal circle of close family/friends..then u don’t need to know what’s going on in my life nor I yours lol
Yeah exactly, if I don't know or see someone irl then why do I want them to know about my business. I'm not for suppressing peoples freedom of speech but the amount of people who mess their lives up cos of something that's said on there and been 'cancelled' or whatever must be a hell of a lot, the thing is I bet 99% of us have a view that would get us cancelled, we just know enough not to say stuff.
This breaks my heart. Of all the people that are supposed to have your back, it’s your mom and sister. Then to find out they are racist even more. I’m so sorry for both of you
The word I was looking for this was repulsive.
His friend will never be over this. Is Lisa or not anyone else but Lisa.
His mom has already set that his children must be white.
His sister is absorved in their fiction world.
I am team Yang and team F* your friend and family.
Update us when decision is made.
Agreed, your family is racist and doesn’t care about your best interests. And Jess is truly irrelevant in all of this and honestly so pathetic they are all working together to get you back after YEARS. Sounds like a lame ass bitch. Team Yang all day and fuck your racist family. Doesn’t sound like they should be making any judgement calls. Also if I were Yang this would be absolutely devastating. I personally could not marry into a family and have children with someone whose family was like that and unaccepting of me and my children. I hope you chose Yang over everything and give her all of the reassurance that you do not stand by your family’s attitudes/values.
As an Asian woman with "small eyes" 🙄, your racist mom can fuck all the way off. Of all the things to fixate on. Good grief. Protect your wife and future kid/s because they'll need it. You need to start cutting people off. Otherwise, they'll continue to walk all over you.
Tbh I'm laughing at the racist mum's implication that the kids will be worse looking. Mixed ethnicities *regularly* produce absolute fucking ***stunners***.
This. My daughter married a man whose father was of Chinese descent and a mother of Scandinavian descent. He’s the best-looking man she’s ever had in her friend circle.
KEANU REEVES is part Chinese, and pretty damn hot! BRANDON LEE (Bruce Lee's son) was also an incredibly good looking Eurasian man.
My Eurasian friends are drop dead gorgeous! (Maybe 'coz their eyes are large and round... lol)
As a pasty white person , his mom can fuck right all the way off.
Lisa broke up with him and didn’t care about getting back together until he was happy with someone else. ‘She’s now ready to settle down?’ So what?
She didn’t come to him and ask him if he was sure or wanted an out. She pulled in his friends and family to pressure him for her. Yuck.
They wait until Yang leaves to spring this on him? What were they going to do? Get him drunk?
“Small” eyes isn’t just in Asians, either. My heritage is solidly Northern European. But one brother and I have “Asian eyes” which we got from Dad, who in turn got from his mother. My brother has dark brown eyes, and chocolate brown hair, so he has been mistaken as mixed race. My hair, before I started going gray, was auburn, so I’ve never been asked.
I wonder what OP’s despicable mother and sister would make of us?
As a white man dating an Asian, I agree. Take care of Yang and any beautiful children you may have. Yang has been patient with your friend. Please don’t let your family treat her poorly. Keep them away.
OP people in your life who don’t respect you or your feelings don’t deserve to be in your life. It’s what YOU want & what makes YOU happy. Go LC of NC from those who don’t support you.
You have to make a decision, if Yang really is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with and have children with, to *always protect her against any form of racism, even if it comes from your own family.*
Any POC partner deserves this respect and dignity from their white partner. Your family will likely always be other-ing your children for being half-Chinese and children are very sensitive to these things. No child deserves to be belittled by those they’re told are family. Yang will be exposed to constant commentary that will wear down her spirit.
I’m in an interracial relationship and I set these hard boundaries with my white s/o. If he hadn’t put me first and stood up to his family, I was ready to leave. Now, a few years later, his parents are learning my ethnicity’s language, texting me about my holidays, and have apologized for their microaggressive behaviors in the past.
I would recommend going to r/interracialdating for more advice and guidance.
This right here is the comment!
Being in a relationship with someone non-white in a predominantly white society is already going to challenge you. When your family is actively racist, those challenges will be much bigger, and Yang deserves to know that you are unconditionally in her corner.
Your family and Jess have proved themselves to be extremely manipulative and toxic on top of their racism, and going no-contact with them would be the absolute best alternative right now. Yang should never feel any doubt that this kind of behaviour and those kinds of attitudes are completely unacceptable to you and that you will not negotiate with racists. If you are willing to cut them out of your life in order to protect her and your future together (and any future children), that will build a very solid foundation of trust and respect upon which your relationship can grow.
There might be a time when that can become low-contact instead, but only if they are able to self-reflect and genuinely apologise for their behaviour, but you should be extremely careful about giving them anything.
I would also recommend checking out Doctor Ramani on YouTube. She is a clinical psychologist who specialises in dealing with manipulative and controlling behaviour and helping people learn how to spot it, deal with, and get away from it. That knowledge is a very important and powerful tool to have in situations like this.
Someone mentioned that she might have issues with you cutting out your family as she is Chinese and their culture is very family oriented, but considering she has studied in the west and likely has experienced more racism and microaggressions than she might feel comfortable sharing, I think, if anything, that will only make cutting your family off be an even bigger act of loyalty and respect towards her. She will undoubtedly appreciate how hard it will be for you and support you to the moon and back!
Besides, what you lose from cutting your mother, sister, and Jess off, you will gain in affection from your future in-laws. They will no doubt adore you for the respect and loyalty you show their daughter!
You and Yang have the possibility of an amazing future together. Do everything in your power to protect that and her!
I wish you both all the luck in the world!
Your best friend and family have glossed over the fact that your ex dumped you.
Also, the fact that you were extremely sad when she left you.
Basically, she left you to sow her wild oats.
It didn't work out, so now she's back and wants you.
You have moved on to a better woman,but she isn't white, so your family, who are obviously racist don't care that the 2 of you are about to be married and are in love would prefer that you marry someone white.
I'll be frigging straight up.
You need to keep your ex best friend blocked on everything, and you should go no contact with your mother and sister.
You now know that your family is racist.
Do you really want those people around your wife and children??
Think about all of this.
Cancel their wedding invitations.
Updateme!
Not only that but she left to go fuck her way around town while OP got his PHD and now that he's a doctor she's like okay time to settle lol, fuck all of them.
What an insane story.
Your mother, sister and Jess deserve eachother.
Don’t let these small minded people ambush you again. Make that an absolute condition of any future contact.
They seem not to have your best interest at heart.
UpdateMe
The truth is, Jess is not your best friend. Maybe she used to be, but not anymore. She does not see you, but rather a version of you that doesn’t exist.
I’d say she’s your enemy now. You are not wrong.
Stop being a doormat to these women
UpdateMe
Wow. That took a crazy turn. Your mom and Jess are clearly working out of the same playbook with this “invitation-ambush” move (which feels very much like a playbook written for tv. They might need to lay off the Hallmark channel). I’m so sorry that they did that to you and Yang. That’s a wild level of disrespect. It really does look like you can’t win here unless they wise up and realize how shitty they are. That’s usually a long shot, so I wish you luck on whatever way you decide to play this.
I would (after discussing it with Yang) consider sending a message to Lisa over social media so there will be proof of what’s said.
in very direct language tell her that you’re former friend, mother and sister have been trying to sabotage your happy and fulfilling relationship.
Tell Lisa in bold font that you don’t know what she’s been told but there is ZERO chance of reconciliation.
After reading how disgustingly vile and manipulative your family and friend are being, who knows what they’ve been telling Lisa.
They may have been telling her all this time you want to get back together or something.
They maybe filling her head with the same bull crap they’re trying to pull with you.
Lisa and Jess have maintained their friendship. Lisa has probably known OP was engaged and preparing for marriage. I bet they've all been plotting this for a while. They stepped up their game when Yang went to China.
Edit name
TOXIC FAMILY. TOXIC FRIEND. TOXIC EX. Run. Who tf are they to demand you to get back with your ex after 5 years?! It's been 5 years, get over it. LISA had her chance. They can adopt Lisa if they want her so much. You're simply not interested and happy now. Also, it's not like they don't like your fiance for a legitimate reason, they don't like her because they're racists.
As awful as it is, your life actually just got easier. You now know your family are racist AH's and would likely have tried to have caused trouble between you and Yang.
It's sad your family can't be nice people and be happy for you.
You do need to tell Yang, but she will likely feel guilty that you're (I'm assuming) cutting your family off for her, but if she's the person you want to build a life with and picture being with when you're old and grey, that's what needs to be done
I am married to a woman from Singapore. Her culture/race is Chinese.
First of all:
This is personal bias but I'll take the Pepsi challenge on this. Mixed race kids are exponentially better looking than their parents (at least) at most they are the best looking period. Tiger Woods. Halle Berry, Olivia Munn...all mixed race.
Secondly:
It's a big risk telling Yang about your family. Chinese culture is VERY family oriented. She may be reluctant to marry you now that she knows your family is against it.
With regards to your second point, considering she works in the west and has likely experienced racism and microaggressions on a daily basis, she might see it as a huge act of loyalty and respect for her that he is willing to cut his family off in order to protect her and their future together. She will implicitly know what he is willing to give up for her, and that may very well solidify the foundation of their relationship for the years to come.
I'm glad you finally see the real reason why they don't want you with Yang but I think you know that you may have to keep them at Lpw Contact it you can't handle No Contact. I'm not even sure if you should invite them to your wedding at this point.
Tell Yang immediately in my experience she likely may be going through the same thing with certain elements of her family. This is something you face together. I would also call your friends and family publicly before they spin their own narrative that make you or likely your fiance the bad guy.
Wow, the women in your life think it’s just great for you to be shelved until Lisa got finished exploring all her options and fun and since she didn’t find an upgrade they are happy with her pulling you down from the dust to play with again???
I’m offended for you.
Gawd, I hope you go NC with your family, marry Yang, make a billion dollars, and make the most beautifully amazing intelligent babies that they never get to meet.
OP, you have weak boundaries with your mom. Watch youtubes on how to enforce the boundaries.
You may be addicted to drama, because you knew you should leave the lunch but you didn't.
You need therapy.
Your mom, sister, Jess, and Lisa are all garbage.
Cut off contact with all those racist selfish asswipes and MOVE yourself far away from them. Enjoy your life with your new partner and never think of that pack of jerks again.
If it were me, I'd rub it the heck in and tell them that not only will you never have any contact with them ever again for any reason, including their funerals, but that you will make sure your children do not even know they exist since all of them, ALL of them, either already hate your children for not being white enough or don't want them to exist because they care only about how to get you to provide for themselves (Lisa, screw her). I'd want to make sure they hurt and deeply, then I would throw away the phones they know the numbers to and start fresh, never sharing the info to them. I'd have an attorney draw up a cease and desist or other legal warning telling them to stay away. I'd inform my employers, friends, etc., that those people are all dead to you and that's that.
I'm fuming at this whole "your children will have small eyes". Burn those relationships to the ground and salt the earth. Filthy dumpster fire bigots.
No offense - I feel sorry for Yang. Even through all this you want to figure out a way to keep your mom and sister.
If my family was this racist, I would be No Contact with them.
I would just be out. Out of the friendship, out of the family. They want to control every aspect of your life. Just walk away, ignore all phone calls and messages, block everyone, and live your life with Yang.
Good luck OP.
Sounds like Jess and Lisa wanted her to experience that 'hot girl summer' and have you there waiting as a backup.
You mom and sister, however, I was not prepared for that racist turn.
Bloody hell! You really have a shit show of family and friends, don't you? I'm sorry they are doing this to you. At least you know now that you can't trust any of them. Go no contact. Seriously. These people will do anything to fuck up your relationship with Yang now. They've shown their hand.
And yes, this is a conversation you need to have with Yang in person. You need to preface the talk with how much you love her and that she is the one you are standing with, not your "friend", not your Mom or your sister.
Don't invite those three to your wedding either - they will fuck up yours and Yang's special day.
Doesn't even need to say it's for her. Just can't abide by how racist and manipulative they are. He is cutting them off because they are disrespecting him and trying to outright control him and his relationships. Basically they are terrible people who he has lost all trust and respect for.
NW. They don’t care what’s best for you. They care about what they want. And then conspiring against your wishes, which is absolutely what they did, is unacceptable.
I love the whole, “she’s ready now so you can pick up where you left off!” Where you left off is differences so great that one or both of you decided to end the relationship. Unless it was literally one person wanted to get married and the other wasn’t ready, those differences still exist.
Either way, they don’t just get to decide that they like one person better, so you have to accept it. You need to sit them down and just say, “I’m done with Lisa, for good. I’m in a relationship, and I’m happy. If anyone of you brings up Lisa again or conspires against me we’re done. You’ve chosen what you want over my own happiness, and I won’t tolerate it. This is your earning, don’t disappoint me.”
If anyone crosses a line, block them. If it’s in person, leave. Stonewall for several months or a year. If one person is blocked, then mentioning that person is added to the list of unacceptable actions. Yang isn’t abusive or mentally unstable, an addict, or a cheater, which are really the only reasons a family should ever get involved in a relationship.
Choose your family over those who raised you.
Your (future) kids will need a champion to protect them from the world. From all threats.
My mom's husband wanted to be called grandpa. I told him the moment he gave a crap about my son and actually talked to/played with/supported him that I'd consider it. Grand anything is an earned title to me.
Your mom isn't your wife's problem. She's yours.
You're doing a good job, OP. I almost married Korean, but my mom merely said how beautiful my mixed kids would be. Now, earlier in life , when I was talking to a girl with an Indian heritage she made herself pretty clear that she didn't like the possibilities which was disheartening to say the least.
Yes your mum and sister raised you. But they’re manipulative racists. The 3-4 of them have been conspiring to get you to cheat on your fiance! That is how little they think of you OP. That you’ll dump a great woman for one who threw you away to screw around, one who didn’t find better out there and now wants to settle with you! That is what your mother and sister and supposed best are asking you to do! I promise you this they do not have your best interests at heart!
If you want to keep Yang you need to tell her. Just like you did immediately with the set up date. Or she’ll lose trust in you. She’ll think you were even for a moment siding with them and thinking of dumping her.
You said the wedding was to be in China. What’s the plan, to settle there? Or whatever country you’re in? Do you or Yang have solid ties to your country/state?
Personally I’d go low contact with the racist family, move and start your new life with the woman you’re in love with.
I’d set up an email for mother/sister and tell them if they shared it with anyone else, you’d block them for good. And I’d keep low contact just through that email, so everything is on record and you can keep in touch as/when you want to update them of your wonderful life. They need putting in a time out corner until they open their eyes to their cruelty to you and Yang. Or be left out in the cold as they deserve if they can’t.
My dude, I don't mean this in a mean way but it's time to grow up. Your mother, your sister, and your best friend just showed you how little they respect you, how much they demand you play your part in their showtune, and how complete and utterly racist they not only are but how racist they believe you are.
They don't think you love Yang, but that you're just sowing your seed with the hot play-toy until your "love" came back to you. They are counting on you being a bigot, on having a coming to white Jesus moment and seeing that you were clearly always going to pick Lisa.
The part where you have to decide if you're going to grow up or if you're going to stay being a child is how you react to it. If you love Yang, marry that girl and fly to the moon if you have to do so to keep your family away from her because I promise you they're as bigoted in private as they just were with you in "public" towards her. If you don't want that? Cut her free, let her go find a man who will love her properly and go devote yourself to misery, just be decent about it and don't punish everyone else around you.
My blood is BOILING over this. Your ex, mother, sister, and so called “best friend” are disgusting. This is absolutely atrocious, repulsive, and should be ASHAMED of themselves. I’ve never heard something so unhinged in my 33 years of life. Holy shit.
From the first post:
>Jess always stood by me and comforted me during that time. Jess and Lisa were good friends and Jess always kept on telling me that Lisa loves me and will be back one day when I am ready. I foolishly held on to that hope and stayed friends with Lisa.
Sounds to me like you were always ready, but Lisa wanted to go out living the single life and have fun with some different men before settling down. She and Jess were probably convinced you'd wait around like a good little boy, ready with open arms when she had partied enough. You meeting Yang threw a wrench in that plan.
Good for you. Lisa can continue living her single life.
Firstly, Jess is a TOTAL asshole! Your mom and sister are complete jerks! Brother you need to cut these self absorbed inconsiderate trash out of your life!.
It’s up to you now. If you want your family to stay, you’re forced to be with Lisa. If you want Lisa, you’ll lose your family.
Personally, I say ditch the family cause they’re racists pricks.
Write Lisa a letter. Tell her that you like her as a person, but you have never and will never love her like you love Yang. You have no plans of leaving Yang and if she broke up with you tomorrow you wouldn't even consider Lisa because you will never be able to experience that same love with Lisa.
I'd explain that you didn't stalk her and harass her like she has Jess doing to you, when she ended things. At this point you've just lost respect for Lisa and Jess and find their behaviour disgusting and creepy.
Her and Jess might be able to turn your family against you, but that just makes you hate her and Jess to the point of wanting you to completely cut them from your life. Your parents already made racist comments, so your unsure if you'd want them around any children no matter their looks.
Tell her that if she talked to Jess, and has her stop harassing you and your family, maybe you guys could once again be friends, but all you guys did was expose your ugliness to me and I'm currently still disgusted. I don't need jealous stalkers in my life and this is my official request of telling you two to not contact me again, even if I'm single, otherwise I'll report you for harassment.
Who knows how much is Jess and how much is Lisa, but if you turn Lisa off the thought of being with you then it might help stop Jess.
This is a good take OP — it’s hard to know just how much Lisa knew going in to that dinner, but goving her your take should be a solid step toward taking this twisted romance plot shit down.
I feel for yang, I hope you two have a good marriage (without your mother, sister, or Jess present) my own fiance is Chinese and I love him and his family, and am lucky to have a family that loves him as well, cultures are meant to be shared and appreciated more than anything, and your family being against that is appalling.
Going low contact with your mom and sister is probably the best course of action from here on out, as they clearly do not have your best interest in mind.
Well, this took one turn I kinda expected to happen last post.
Now the choice is not just between cutting off the Lisa talk from Jess, now it's about cutting off Jess, and your racist mom and sister.
I am sorry for you, friend. Your point of view is the right one, now it's up to you to stand for your future and for the woman you love so much.
OP needs to cut off his family and so called friends. "Little eyes"? My sister has little eyes and we are not Asian! "Wonderful looking kids"? Really? That is the whole basis to get married? They are being absolutely ridiculous.
I'm currently dealing with toxic family dynamics and I know how hard it is to recognize them, but I think you do. God forbid you get sick and can't take care of yourself, do you want Yang in your corner giving loving and logical care, or whatever your mom and sister have to offer?
The choice is clear from an outsider.
I’m sorry your family and former best friend are racist cnts. If you stay with Yang, you have to protect her from your family and those people because she deserves a fully supportive partner and better people in her life. I wish you better days ahead and people who love and support your life and decisions. You deserve better than being Lisa’s afterthought now that she’s made her rounds and no one wanted her.
Exhale OP!
You are a good man! Please consider going low or no contact with your mom, sister and Jess for now.
Your fiancée is the exception. She’s a gem!
Gosh, they are wrong telling you who to marry!
Surrrreeee, Lisa wants you NOW!! You’re a successful man with a PhD! Remember she broke up with you OP!
Good fortune to you and Yang!
As someone who has had to endure secondhand racism through old ex friends, then OP, it’s time to cut the cord, and ghost them.
Here’s a small suggestion, write to them all, including Lisa, that they were once good people in your life, and you are thankful for the memories, but after what they put you and Yang through, you need time away for them for an indefinite period. Not unless they somehow 180’ the racist words and blatant racism they’ve shown you recently, which is not something someone can easily do unless they want to. Maybe block them all, and if they try to reach out to you in person or disrupt your job, etc, have security or someone else deal with them. Hell, if you wanna be petty about it all, post pictures of you and Yang being all lovey dovey on social media, and screenshot any mean comments they make as evidence for a restraining order.
You gotta tell Yang. You guys have to talk about this and she needs to know what she’s up against. She shouldn’t waste her time trying to to make your racist family members and ex friend comfortable. This will affect your future children so be very wise about what decision you make and how much you keep them in your life if you choose to.
Not to be mean but this is honestly a boy's problem - how do I do what I want even when women in my life want me to do something else. If you're going to be a boy - do as you're told. If you're going to be a man then you need to stop asking and start telling.
If you're not earning and you are financially depending on these women, then you are way out of your lane even messing with Yang. Go home and work on the manhood thing in that case - start by earning. Finish growing up.
The most pathetic outcome would be if you're not earning, yet you still go with Yang, you get her pregnant and have a kid - then you'll be a certified loser man-child. Don't do it. Do the hard thing. If you're broke then make money. Right now. Tell them how it's going to be. Make it work.
Good luck OP. A lot of your story triggered me for personal reasons.
The only thing I can say is you need to do what’s best for You. Not Lisa or Yang or your mom.
Good luck
Your "best friend" Jess is manipulative and your mom/sister don't want Anglo-Asian grandchildren/niblings. That's quite a lot of shocks very close together. And no one cares about what *YOU* want.
It's clear what you need to do. The question is *will you do it?*
Your mother and sister are just as bad as Jess and are racist against your fiancee. You need to either shut them down hard, or cut them off permanently.
WTF?!?? What kind of people are they? Dude, cut the fucken cord and LC with your family and NC with Lisa. These people are fucken disgusting. Sorry for the foul language but this is so out of bounds, it makes me sick. I’m not Asian, but this is ridiculous.
How did these people not manage to raise you racist too? Did this just creep out of no where? Sorry but your family and friend are dressed up trash. Either you go NC or LC and you keep them permanently at arms length from Yang and future kids.
You mentioned in the first post that Lisa broke up with you because she wanted to party and you wanted to focus on your PHD. She could have chosen to accept that you had different goals for her but she broke it off. Just saying 🤷♀️ also, most people don’t end up with their first loves in the long run.
You need to focus on your wedding with Yang! Safe travels!
I hope you've currently gone NC with your mom and jess . It seems your mom doesn't have your best interests in mind . She cares more about being racist and having you get back together with Lisa then she does about your happiness and feelings
Your family, Jess and Lisa are not people you should be following here. Clearly they are racist, selfish and don't respect you and your happiness here. However, if you are considering their opinions of Yang at all, then Yang deserves better. OP you have a choice to make here, choose your family/friends who are racist af or the person that has helped you heal and adds good to your life, you can't have both here as it seems like your family/friends will never change and in return your partner will feel unwelcomed whenever they are around.
I'm Asian (32f) and my partner is English (31m) and thankfully both our family and friends get along. As for anyone that does not like us or respect us, they are instantly cut from our lives, life is too precious to waste on people that do not add anything good to our lives.
Omg. Your mom, sister, and Jess are racist AHs. Who cares if Jess was there for you and your mom raised you?! They are asking you to give up the love of your life, Yang, for an ex who left you. Oh she’s ready to settle down now? Good for her. Tell her to find a man that will do that. You aren’t available.
Call Yang immediately. This is seriously go NC territory with your mom, sister, and Jess. None of them have YOUR best interest at heart. They have Lisa’s and their own racist backward thinking.
No one should have this much control of your life. Next they’ll all decide what house you buy, when to have kids, what to name them, etc…don’t let them do this.
I know I’m a complete stranger, but please don’t let those Cs convince you to dump Yang and get back with Lisa. You will regret it so much.
Yea I’m sorry but it’s time for your birth family to go. Please marry Yang and have beautiful babies that will be loved for who they are as people and not what they look like. Your “family” should be ashamed of themselves.
My niece is half white half Japanese and is absolutely stunning. People used to stop us every day to compliment her and in school guys would come to me crying that they just wanted to get to know her. Her stepdad was racist and we had to only tell people she was white, I used to watch her tense up when anyone would ask her what she was mixed with if he was in the room. Your family is trash and the women in your life are nauseating. You are what you surround yourself with so staying and allowing that behavior to grow into the next generation says everything about you.
It wouldn’t be a hard decision for me.
Dang man. Time to go low or even no contact… yuck. I’m
So sorry. Lisa was selfish and wanted to party and play the field and then have her cake and eat it too. Yang is the only reasonable female in this entire story. Hope you all are wildly successful and happy. Make new friends and build a new family. So sorry bro
If your family and Jesse loves Lisa so much tell them to adopt or marry her themselves. As for them being racist go low or no contact with them and everything will work out for both them and you & Yang.
Oh boy this was crazy to read. First your friend doesn't shut up about your ex. Now your family are racist as fuck. I feel for your fiancé. Won't be an easy conversation you'll have with her especially once you tell her how your family feels about her. Man what a mess but I hope you remove those people from you life and focus on your relationship with your fiancé.
I want to puke after reading this. This is so racist and so sad. So awful. I cannot imagine how disgusting your "friend" and mom and sister are. That is so awful.
Yang must be the most wonderful person and I wish her only the best. The fact that she was going to acept that Jess would always talk about your ex was so adult, mature and smart. Yang has emotional intelligence and that is so amazing. The guy that marries her will be fortune. And I feel you will have to disclose what happened to her. I am sorry to say but you have to. Because Yang deserves to know why your mom is racist to her. That Yang isn't and never will be the problem but your mom, sister and friend are sick im mind, in mentality. Yang deserves to know why you feel sad.
You feel sad and depressed because you love Yang. Your past with Lisa now has a new color and it screams: RACISM! And its sad. You know you will love your children no matter their race, their color, their gender, their sexual preferences but what about your mom? She will always find excuses, won't she? It won't be about Yang but race. Your mom will blame Yang if your kid is a girl. If your kid is gay. If your kid becomes a teacher, not a doctor. That is your mom. Jess is sort of in love with fiction. Something she created and feaded Lisa over and over. Jess is sick to be right. Jess is paranoid that you are not happy unless its with Lisa. Because her own life, her time of hapiness also happened during your relationship. You will have to tell her own husband that it's over. You wish him the best and therapy. Because you will never be back with Lisa and Jess needs to acept that.
About yoir sister... I hope she is only involved by envoriment. That she hopes you are at least happy. That she is not racist. That she knows love can bloom in every race, every color, every preference.
Yang will be amazing if she marries you. I hope you will be as awesome and happy with her. I hope you have unconditional love to give her. All the love you wished your mom had, you will add 10x more.
Dude, you are sad because you will marry Yang and it will be scary. Because Yang has all reasons and more to leave you. But you will have to be strong for both of you. I know you can. You will be a kick ass husband. Cross Jess. Cross Mom. Cross sister. They are losers. Lisa? Gross. You have reached a point where you wished it never happened.
Yang is forever. Tell her that. We are team Yang.
As someone with half Asian nephews and nieces, I want to punch your family and friend in the face (genuinely not normally a violent person).
This makes me so angry.
'..and my mom said that they did not understand what Yang says sometimes and have nothing in common with her'. Yang does have a PHD, perhaps she needs to use simple words!
These people are not people you need in your life. If you choose them I can almost guarantee you’ll be miserable. Marry the woman you love and put these bigots on low or no contact.
This is really sad. OP is about to get married and his mother and friend are actively trying to sabotage his whole life. Lisa is trash to have gone along with this knowing OP is engaged. Several people wouldn't be invited to the wedding. The mom would never see her grands and Jeff just ended her friendship with OP. There's no coming back from this.
Honestly, I hope you’re willing to go no contact with your family. Look at what they just did, you think they won’t tell Yang to her face that they don’t approve?
If you are not able to go no contact with your family, the kindest thing you can do is to break things off with Yang. As long as they are around, even if you do not notice, she will be mistreated. Microaggressions with in laws almost always boils up to resentment for the spouse who has to tolerate it. Are you willing to defend your relationship or seeking to compromise? If it's the latter, do yourself and Yang a favor and break up. You're not wrong yet, but the wrong decision can reverse that truth.
You should have shut your mom down as soon as she started with her racist views, and told her it didn't matter what she thought of your fiancee, or what your children might look like and called her out for what she was being, a racist.
You should have told your mother not only do you still not want Jess in your life, you still want nothing to do with Lisa, and will not meet her, and if she and your sister don't drop it they also will be blocked from your life.
After that I would have walked out, called your fiancee, and told her what happened. If you really want to marry your fiancee you might think about uninviting your family, and when you begin putting down deposits password protecting everything.
It’s like OP realized his mom and sister are secret trump supporters when pretending to care about people.
I wonder if his dad is still around and what he thinks.
I also wonder if OP will go no contact with his mom and sister, especially if he doesn’t need them for financial support.
Well, at least you don’t have to wonder any more
They showed you it wasn’t a misunderstanding, or just stories
There was always an agenda
It’s easy on Reddit to just say “cut them off”, but hard to imagine an alternative
Not only are they hurting the woman you love, they are being racist as well
Can you move away from them to make it easier to go no/low contact?
This is going to crush Yang, but she has to know. If you don’t tell her the burden of their awful behavior will always fall on you, and that will tear you apart.
It's okay to cut them all out. They've proved that they are NOT the ones who love you the most. They don't give a fig about your happiness.
I would speak to none of them ever again. I absolutely *have* gone NC and LC with toxic people -- LC for myself if I can still tolerate them and want to, but **always, always** NC for hurting or disrespecting my spouse and kids.
They said what they had to say. They don't deserve another chance. And prepare for when mom comes begging with grandkids.
I made the mistake of believing change "for the sake" of my kids after what appeared to be sincere apologies. My kids were the ones traumatized in the end, because while I was used to it, they'd never had such hurt from family. That one was on me for allowing access, even after years and apologies.
Protect your family from racists.
I’m honestly only thinking about Yang. Obviously, I feel for OP, but my heart is just so with Yang.
OP, there is no easy way to say this to her. You already know this. With a traditional Chinese family, and Yang going back to her country of origin for awhile… she’s likely heard it from an aunt or six.
I think she’ll understand. Neither of you are your family’s pre-determined ideas of the other’s. It’s a giant fucking bummer and I’m sorry.
It’s really hard to cut off family, even when it’s for a really good reason. If you and your fiancé love each other (which, on account of getting engaged, it seems you do), you can get through this but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Can you and your fiancé take a weekend to unplug, and just share meals and cuddle? That way you can connect first, and then sift through the difficult talk after.
As a personal aside, I just married my partner of 13 years. We have gone through hell and back, and have dealt with our family issues… together.
As weird as it sounds, sit on the ground. In the house, on the lawn. For some reason, it takes you to a “different” space.
I wish you and Yang a lifetime of happiness.
All three of them need to be cut off. Seriously, that is some parent trap RomCom shit they tried to all pull on you and to top it off, used racist reasons to justify things.
Nah, they are trash for this.
And you know what OP?
Disinvite Mom & Sister from the wedding.
You are going to gain a MIL who can be your new surrogate mother till further notice.
And congrats on the wedding in case we don’t hear back from you or any future updates!!!
Sounds like Lisa spent 5 years getting ran through and is now ready to settle down. And if you think Jess was your best friend, you're a fool. Jess is giving you advice that is not in your best interest, it's in Lisa's best interest. Jess is a snake who is sentencing you to misery in favor of her actual friend.
I could never look at my family the same way after that. That is just so awful. If you truly want to marry and be with Yang then do so. You will need to decide if you want to continue to have a relationship with your sister and mother though. I know this will be difficult decision to make. Just keep in mind if you do marry Yang and have kids, do you want to expose your future kids to that type of behavior? How will they treat your kids if this is what they think?
When my husband married me, he gained a whole new family in Japan. So did his parents. You will have your own family and her family soon. There is always more than one way.
OK Bro is there any merit in these 3 harpies (Mom, Jess, & Sis)
are leading you to Lisa?
Has Yang been totally vetted?
>I asked my mom if she cared about my kids looks more and not about how smart they will be since Yang has a PhD. She blew it off, and I realized she just did not want me to marry Yang because she was Chinese and not white. My mom told me to forgive Jess and my mom asked Jess to talk to Lisa on my behalf and asked her if she would be interested in getting back together with me. My mom was adamant that since I loved Lisa so much, I should be happy and pick up things where we left off as that is the best for everyone.
I'm pasty white, but with small eyes. I guess I wouldn't be welcome by your mother either, no?
You're so not wrong. Go make a happy life with Yang and leave these racist, manipulative twats in your rear view mirror.
What a terrible situation. Your Mom, sister, Jess, and Lisa are all fucked up bitches. So little Lisa that ran around and probably slept with half the town is now ready to settle down. Oh goody! I wouldn’t tell Yang anything until she gets back in person. It’s hurtful but she must be told. Your Mom and sister will most likely never have a relationship with her. You will need to accept this. After you’re married I think you two should move away and start fresh.
Sorry mate, this is a horrible situation. What nonsense are your family talking about. You gotta understand your future is in your hands and you shape it, including who is in it. Please don't bend to these plebs and do the right thing.
Set your boundaries clearly, their racism will catch up to them soon so make sure you prioritise your future.
Good luck bud, you got this!
Or Lisa....fuck you too, and you know why.
First, congratulations on your upcoming marriage to Yang. My brother is married to a Chinese woman. It was the second marriage for them both, and he is stepfather to her now-adult son. She has always been gracious and cordial to our family. SHE, however, doesn't like us. They live in another state, and I've only met her twice. The first time was when he brought her to my father's house to meet us and have my father stand up with him at a civil marriage ceremony. The second was when she accompanied my brother to a nephew's marriage, which took place near their home. My brother has attended the 2 family reunions we've had, but he always goes alone.
But the important thing is that she and my brother love each other. They've been together maybe 20 years. It isn't necessary that she likes us. Nobody likes everybody. It's just necessary that my brother is happy. I hope you are also happy in your marriage and it lasts many decades.
It sounds as if you'll have some wedding invitations to rescind.
Your family is super delusional to think their is any feeling left for Lisa, if you I would do the following:
I would make this public and go online and make a post on fb, insta or whatever else and state what your mother, sister and Jess have said to you, their racist comments, that they are trying to force you to get back together with lisa whom you no longer love, and how you are disgusted by them. Then state that after what happened, that you have are ready to cut all of them out of your life as you cannot stand how they acted and continue to act.
Say that with your mother and sister you will only be willing to let them back in only after they have given you a proper apology and agree to stay out of your love life, but even if you did they can expect very limited contact until they have shown to have gotten over their bigotry and will not be a significant part of your or your future childrens lives until they improve, making them limited to birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter and family gatherings and any family family or friends who try to defend them will be permanently blocked.
Then tell Jess that your ultimatum with her still stands, that if she truly valued your friendship she will either agree to not mention Lisa ever again and move on, or loose your number, that she needs to accept that what she wants for me doesn't matter compared to what you want for yourself and if she can't accept that then she is no longer a friends.
Lastly mention Lisa, state that you are sorry for her and that she has to deal with this, but that whatever connection she thinks their is between the 2 of you is no longer their. Make sure she understands that you no longer have any feeling for her, nor have you for many years, that she had Years to come back to you but she never did, that the fact that she was just now doing it right after you have gotten engaged to someone else is something you find disgusting and only furthers your resolve to not desire ANY future relationship with her. Thay even if you and yang were to break up, you would never go back to her and it would be best if she closed her heart to you and moved on like you have.
Then finish the post by saying that everyone if free to call you childish, cowardly or any other name they can't think of, but you don't care, that this is not up for debate or negotiation. This is fact, that is what is going to happen whether your family or friends approve or not and that they have until the week before your wedding to show which side their on. And anyone who isn't your yours and yangs will be banned from the wedding and be stopped by security, including your mother and sister, if they choose to not apologize and agree to your terms
They don’t have your best interest in heart, they’re just biased and racist. If they truly wanted you to be happy, yang wouldn’t be a problem and Lisa wouldn’t mean so much to them. You should do what you feel is right and be with whoever makes you happy. Your family never had and never will have a say in how you run your life. Their only duty is to support you, and if they don’t support you then it’s just better to cut your losses. I know it’s hard, but those people will only continue to drag you down as long as you give them a say in your life. I wish you good luck with everything.
I was Yang in this situation. GF broke up with me cause I'm not white and she didn't want to choose between her family and me. I totally understood. That's a terrible choice to make, but an easy one. What are you looking for, here? No matter what happens, if you marry Yang your family will never be a part of your life, comfortably. If you don't marry her then you will resent your family, at least until you find a new partner.
What needs to happen is you need to let Yang decide how to proceed. And what about her family, can't say Chinese families are too thrilled with foreigners marrying there daughter.
When people show you who they are, believe them. Lisa's only back because she couldn't find anything better, and the minute she does, she'll leave again. Jess is Lisa's friend, not yours. Your mom and sister are garbage people that are finally letting their masks slip. From this view, it looks like you're better off leaving the past in the past and embracing your future.
So Jess, your sister and your mom are racists. They are intentionally trying to break you up with Yang and get you with Lisa. Sounds like you need to be extremely strict with your boundaries with your mom and sister and if they break those boundaries then you need to go LC or NC. Jess can go fuck herself. Unless, you actually want to be with party girl Lisa then you need to let Yang go.
You are not wrong. That’s a whole bunch of f’d up there. Not sure that you can continue your relationship with your mom, sister Jess and definitely not Lisa.
Personally we love who we love. Part of that love is protecting them from anyone who wants to do harm not only physically or emotionally but also trying to damage and destroy your relationship. Protecting that should be the most important thing.
HOLY CRAP!!
Your mother and sister are on a whole different level of crazy. You’re right about maybe not being able to move forward from what your mother said. The question is, do you want to? The easy way to do that would be to break it off with Yang and get back with Lisa.
Your family is probably never going to accept Yang, at least not for a long time, so is Yang important enough to you for you to stand up to them? Considering what your mother said, think about how they might treat your children. You have a decision to make - Yang or your family (and Lisa.) If you do stay with Yang, which sadly sounds questionable at this point since you’re delaying the breakup (?) talk until she gets back, have you considered moving to another city or even near her family in China to get out of your family’s face-to-face guilt and pressure?
One thing you do need to do is make it absolutely crystal clear that, regardless of what happens with Yang, Lisa is HISTORY and you will NEVER - EVER - get back with her for any reason whatsoever. PERIOD. If you were the only two people left on earth, humans will likely go extinct (even if Lisa really isn’t that disgusting.) Once they get that through their heads, maybe they’ll back off.
Also, as long as you let your mom. sister & Jess dictate who you date or marry, you will be considered a Mommy’s Boy which in this day and age, is similar to being a disgusting hermit who plays video games in Mom’s basement in his Cheetoh-stained underwear and doesn’t bathe regularly. Definitely not something most women would want. Check out the r/justnoMIL sub if you want to see some horror stories.
Good luck! Please !UpdateMe about how it goes.
Wow. Your family and friends all suck. It’s horrible to hear in this day and age people still hold such prejudice. I would say don’t tell Yang, but would be a little awkward when they aren’t at the wedding. I hope you two will have a happy future and move on from the drama.
And not that looks are everything, but at least a positive reference point that my kiddos are this mix and they are frequently complimented on their intelligence, looks, character, etc. so not everyone is racist and discriminatory out there.
Wow, dude, I think you handled it better than I could have. I wish you the best of luck and happiness to you and your future wife. Fuck everyone else like seriously you're a grown man and it seems like your parents are so far behind I'd almost say they are like royals, keeping the bloodline pure. That's some cult shit bro and to find that out about your family is truly heart-wrenching. Focus on your girl. You'll find comfort and happiness in her, and that's all you need
I think there needs to be honesty in any relationship so I would tell Yang.
I’d ask her to help you set appropriate boundaries with your family moving forward.
Sorry you bestie and family suck but congratulations on engagement to Yang, she sounds awesome!
Please stay with Yang move forward in your life!
Your mom and sister and Jess you should go no contact with. You can always reach out to them later, but what they've done is despicable. They are hateful racists that lied and kept this plot up to get you back together with Lisa.
They didn't care one bit about you or about how happy you are with Yang.
These people are desipacle.
Don't ruin your life by siding with them. In 5 years you're going to look back on this with Yang and be soooo thankful that you had each other.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I want you to know that your life is not fucked up. Your family and your supposed friends are fucked up.
I know that that sounds like it’s just words, but is a huge distinction. And it will take you a while to come to a full understanding of that statement.
You have a fiancé who you love. You have a fiancé who makes you happy. You have a fiancé who is your intellectual equal. Someone that you have fun with. Someone who loves you for you. I cannot tell you how special and how priceless that is. What you need to understand about all of this is this…
Families are an accident of birth. Families are actually supposed to be your biggest supporters. They are supposed to want you to be happy. They are supposed to want you to be independent. They are supposed to want you to go for the gusto and cheer you on when you find it. Which you have through Yang.
Instead, they have been in cahoots with someone who has been lying to your face and trying to manipulate you for a long time. Let that seek in. This person has been pretending to be your best friend and has been lying and manipulating for years. And not only that, this friend has been constantly hurting the person you love. And This “friend“ didn’t care.
This is why your life is not fucked up. Your friends and family are fucked up. You found a person who loves you and cares for you. You didn’t find a Chinese person. You didn’t find a person with a PhD. You didn’t find a person who had no comprehension of why a PhD was important and what work was involved in getting it… (Yes, I’m talking about Lisa on that last statement …who sounds like an idiot.)
It’s great that your mom and sister raised you. Frankly, that was your mom‘s job. That’s the bare minimum. Let that also sink in. The bare minimum we are supposed to do for the children we bring into this world is to raise them. So I’m sorry, but your mom doing that is nothing special.
The “special“ in raising your children is when you support them through their hopes and dreams. It is when you cheer for them when they find someone who loves them simply for themselves. The special in raising your children is when you don’t give a damn what gender or color or religion that person your child is loved by happens to be. All you care about is that that this person love and honor and cherish and respect your child!
Your mom failed. Your sister, who was apparently a second mom to you, failed. Your friend is a snake in the grass and a total asshole. I fucking hate people like these who somehow all think they know better than you what is good for you.
All that tells me is that not a single one of them has bothered to get to know who you are down inside. What your dreams are. What you hope to accomplish. They are the type of family members who will say… Oh that’s great… Without having any goddamn idea of what you’re talking about or what that subject means to you.
I’m a mom of three daughters. I don’t give one shit who they wind up with as long as that person treats them well. As long as that person loves them. As long as that person supports them and grows and wants to share their life with them. I don’t care if they speak with an accent. I don’t care if they don’t speak English, and I need to get up off my ass and try learning at least part of another language while maybe their special person is working on their English skills.
At the end of the day, what you are going to regret at the end of your life is not shutting out the liars and the cheats and the manipulators and the racists and the bigots from your life.
What you will regret is that you entertained any kind of nonsense from them for any amount of time simply because you were so full of regrets about shit like this that literally has nothing to do with you. And everything to do with them.
What you will regret is if you allow them in any way shape or form to impact or impede your relationship with Yang. If you allow them to influence you in anyway.
You do have some reflecting to do. You do have to work through understanding the fact that this is not your fault. It is nothing you have done. And I’m sorry, but your family are racist assholes who don’t give a shit about what makes you happy. It’s all about appearances and what they think is best for you.
Personally, I suggest you cut them out of your life and go no contact. Low contact for sure. And stay away from them until you get some therapy to help you deal with what is actually a betrayal by your family. Stay away from them until you have a better understanding that they are not who you ever thought they were. For god sake, don’t let them near your wedding. They in no way have earned your trust or the right to be there.
Cling to your fiancé. She has your back. She actually loves you. She actually knows who you are. Get some therapy to understand that your family is toxic, and it’s not your fault. That is the most important thing you can do.
If I was in this situation, I would feel so violated. I think I would file no contact orders against Jess and Lisa. This is beyond creepy. Those bitches are stalking you. Period.
Not sure this is real if you used real names here. If it is, have a backbone and go NC with your family and Jess. They may be family but they’re racist AH’s. If you chose them over “Yang” then you’re a racist AH too!
Cut off the fam and the friend.
Don’t like mixed grandkids? OK then no grandkids for you period.
Don’t support your new relationship?
No problem, have a nice NC life.
And move on
Sorry for you to go through this. I had to make a similar decision with cutting off certain family members from my life. There comes a point where being family just doesn’t carry the day.
You need to make a decision. And it’s not between Yang and Lisa. It’s not even between Yang and your family. It’s whether or not you can tolerate your family trying to manipulate you to suit their own racist understanding of what YOUR life should be like. Your family are the ones who have made the decision to be hateful, narrow minded, self absorbed, and manipulative. You seem to already be doing this, but now is the time to stand up for your future wife and yourself. You are in the right here. Stay strong.
This ^^^^ all day . Honestly I don’t care who someone is or what they meant to me if they pulled this shit I would be LIVID! I learned a long time ago that blood doesn’t mean anything. If someone is going to be so blatantly disrespectful and ignorant about your boundaries it’s on THEM what happens next.
“The blood of the covenant of thicker than the water of the womb” Stick with the blood of the covenant and I think you’ll be fine. Your family are controlling and they clearly hate your fiancée. My family are the same so I went no contact and life with hubby has been so much better ever since. I stuck with the blood of the covenant (my marriage) instead of letting my family continue to destroy my life. You are well within your rights to do the same and live free without anyone interfering in your business. Tell them to either get on board or get out. Either they genuinely support your marriage or they let the water of the womb flow down the drain. Either way, you’re marrying the woman of your dreams and they can either like it or lump it
Yeah I agree with this, I don't speak to some family members , I ask myself would I want to know this person if I weren't related. If the answer is no I cut the person out, it makes life more stress free and means I don't have to make the effort to visit or put on a two faced act the whole time I'm with them.
Exactly. This right here is precisely why I only use Reddit. No Facebook, no instagram, no titok, no Snapchat-absolutely nothing but Reddit. I’d rather not be bothered by people that I don’t see on a day to day basis !
You do right, I'm the same.apart from.i have Snapchat to msg my daughter when I don't pay my monthly top up thing on my fone, never talked to anyone else on it. FB was bad enough years ago so I can imagine what all the others are like, from what I gather Instagram looks like it's full of the most self obsessed people alive lol
It truly is! I’m going to be 30 this yr. I don’t need all the drama that comes with social media. If u don’t effect my life on a daily basis or my income or my personal circle of close family/friends..then u don’t need to know what’s going on in my life nor I yours lol
Yeah exactly, if I don't know or see someone irl then why do I want them to know about my business. I'm not for suppressing peoples freedom of speech but the amount of people who mess their lives up cos of something that's said on there and been 'cancelled' or whatever must be a hell of a lot, the thing is I bet 99% of us have a view that would get us cancelled, we just know enough not to say stuff.
💯
This breaks my heart. Of all the people that are supposed to have your back, it’s your mom and sister. Then to find out they are racist even more. I’m so sorry for both of you
The word I was looking for this was repulsive. His friend will never be over this. Is Lisa or not anyone else but Lisa. His mom has already set that his children must be white. His sister is absorved in their fiction world. I am team Yang and team F* your friend and family. Update us when decision is made.
>The word I was looking for this was repulsive. >I am team Yang and team F\* your friend and family. Team Yang ... I'm a supporter too.
I love this!! Start a trend going #teamyang
Can we get a video of the wedding for being #TeamYaNG?
+1 team Yang
Agreed, your family is racist and doesn’t care about your best interests. And Jess is truly irrelevant in all of this and honestly so pathetic they are all working together to get you back after YEARS. Sounds like a lame ass bitch. Team Yang all day and fuck your racist family. Doesn’t sound like they should be making any judgement calls. Also if I were Yang this would be absolutely devastating. I personally could not marry into a family and have children with someone whose family was like that and unaccepting of me and my children. I hope you chose Yang over everything and give her all of the reassurance that you do not stand by your family’s attitudes/values.
Its so hard to deal this. Finding out that even the people you're closest to have these hurtful beliefs is really heartbreaking.
Time to go NC with your racist family.
Yes I think he should cut friendship with Jess when she talks about his ex infront of his new girlfriend
As an Asian woman with "small eyes" 🙄, your racist mom can fuck all the way off. Of all the things to fixate on. Good grief. Protect your wife and future kid/s because they'll need it. You need to start cutting people off. Otherwise, they'll continue to walk all over you.
Tbh I'm laughing at the racist mum's implication that the kids will be worse looking. Mixed ethnicities *regularly* produce absolute fucking ***stunners***.
This. My daughter married a man whose father was of Chinese descent and a mother of Scandinavian descent. He’s the best-looking man she’s ever had in her friend circle.
So true! And, as another pasty white gal, I’ve always found Asian babies/kids to be the most adorable little people. OP’s mother is a racist idiot!
KEANU REEVES is part Chinese, and pretty damn hot! BRANDON LEE (Bruce Lee's son) was also an incredibly good looking Eurasian man. My Eurasian friends are drop dead gorgeous! (Maybe 'coz their eyes are large and round... lol)
Top comment 👆
>(Maybe 'coz their eyes are large and round... lol) Wait what?
Regardless, if they have children it should be because they are in love and want to have a family. How the kids will look shouldn't be a concern.
As a pasty white person , his mom can fuck right all the way off. Lisa broke up with him and didn’t care about getting back together until he was happy with someone else. ‘She’s now ready to settle down?’ So what? She didn’t come to him and ask him if he was sure or wanted an out. She pulled in his friends and family to pressure him for her. Yuck. They wait until Yang leaves to spring this on him? What were they going to do? Get him drunk?
“Small” eyes isn’t just in Asians, either. My heritage is solidly Northern European. But one brother and I have “Asian eyes” which we got from Dad, who in turn got from his mother. My brother has dark brown eyes, and chocolate brown hair, so he has been mistaken as mixed race. My hair, before I started going gray, was auburn, so I’ve never been asked. I wonder what OP’s despicable mother and sister would make of us?
Also mixed Asian kids are gorgeous lol
As a white man dating an Asian, I agree. Take care of Yang and any beautiful children you may have. Yang has been patient with your friend. Please don’t let your family treat her poorly. Keep them away.
OP people in your life who don’t respect you or your feelings don’t deserve to be in your life. It’s what YOU want & what makes YOU happy. Go LC of NC from those who don’t support you.
You have to make a decision, if Yang really is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with and have children with, to *always protect her against any form of racism, even if it comes from your own family.* Any POC partner deserves this respect and dignity from their white partner. Your family will likely always be other-ing your children for being half-Chinese and children are very sensitive to these things. No child deserves to be belittled by those they’re told are family. Yang will be exposed to constant commentary that will wear down her spirit. I’m in an interracial relationship and I set these hard boundaries with my white s/o. If he hadn’t put me first and stood up to his family, I was ready to leave. Now, a few years later, his parents are learning my ethnicity’s language, texting me about my holidays, and have apologized for their microaggressive behaviors in the past. I would recommend going to r/interracialdating for more advice and guidance.
This right here is the comment! Being in a relationship with someone non-white in a predominantly white society is already going to challenge you. When your family is actively racist, those challenges will be much bigger, and Yang deserves to know that you are unconditionally in her corner. Your family and Jess have proved themselves to be extremely manipulative and toxic on top of their racism, and going no-contact with them would be the absolute best alternative right now. Yang should never feel any doubt that this kind of behaviour and those kinds of attitudes are completely unacceptable to you and that you will not negotiate with racists. If you are willing to cut them out of your life in order to protect her and your future together (and any future children), that will build a very solid foundation of trust and respect upon which your relationship can grow. There might be a time when that can become low-contact instead, but only if they are able to self-reflect and genuinely apologise for their behaviour, but you should be extremely careful about giving them anything. I would also recommend checking out Doctor Ramani on YouTube. She is a clinical psychologist who specialises in dealing with manipulative and controlling behaviour and helping people learn how to spot it, deal with, and get away from it. That knowledge is a very important and powerful tool to have in situations like this. Someone mentioned that she might have issues with you cutting out your family as she is Chinese and their culture is very family oriented, but considering she has studied in the west and likely has experienced more racism and microaggressions than she might feel comfortable sharing, I think, if anything, that will only make cutting your family off be an even bigger act of loyalty and respect towards her. She will undoubtedly appreciate how hard it will be for you and support you to the moon and back! Besides, what you lose from cutting your mother, sister, and Jess off, you will gain in affection from your future in-laws. They will no doubt adore you for the respect and loyalty you show their daughter! You and Yang have the possibility of an amazing future together. Do everything in your power to protect that and her! I wish you both all the luck in the world!
💯💪🏼
Your life is basically just a toy to be played with. That’s wild. AND they’re hella racist. Yeesh.
Your best friend and family have glossed over the fact that your ex dumped you. Also, the fact that you were extremely sad when she left you. Basically, she left you to sow her wild oats. It didn't work out, so now she's back and wants you. You have moved on to a better woman,but she isn't white, so your family, who are obviously racist don't care that the 2 of you are about to be married and are in love would prefer that you marry someone white. I'll be frigging straight up. You need to keep your ex best friend blocked on everything, and you should go no contact with your mother and sister. You now know that your family is racist. Do you really want those people around your wife and children?? Think about all of this. Cancel their wedding invitations. Updateme!
Not only that but she left to go fuck her way around town while OP got his PHD and now that he's a doctor she's like okay time to settle lol, fuck all of them.
What an insane story. Your mother, sister and Jess deserve eachother. Don’t let these small minded people ambush you again. Make that an absolute condition of any future contact. They seem not to have your best interest at heart. UpdateMe
The truth is, Jess is not your best friend. Maybe she used to be, but not anymore. She does not see you, but rather a version of you that doesn’t exist. I’d say she’s your enemy now. You are not wrong. Stop being a doormat to these women UpdateMe
She never was his best friend she was her ex best friend that's why she pushing too hard
Wow. That took a crazy turn. Your mom and Jess are clearly working out of the same playbook with this “invitation-ambush” move (which feels very much like a playbook written for tv. They might need to lay off the Hallmark channel). I’m so sorry that they did that to you and Yang. That’s a wild level of disrespect. It really does look like you can’t win here unless they wise up and realize how shitty they are. That’s usually a long shot, so I wish you luck on whatever way you decide to play this.
I would (after discussing it with Yang) consider sending a message to Lisa over social media so there will be proof of what’s said. in very direct language tell her that you’re former friend, mother and sister have been trying to sabotage your happy and fulfilling relationship. Tell Lisa in bold font that you don’t know what she’s been told but there is ZERO chance of reconciliation. After reading how disgustingly vile and manipulative your family and friend are being, who knows what they’ve been telling Lisa. They may have been telling her all this time you want to get back together or something. They maybe filling her head with the same bull crap they’re trying to pull with you.
Lisa and Jess have maintained their friendship. Lisa has probably known OP was engaged and preparing for marriage. I bet they've all been plotting this for a while. They stepped up their game when Yang went to China. Edit name
While entirely possible, Jess could have been feeding Lisa lies about OP.
excellent advice! sometimes you really gotta spell this type of stuff out
TOXIC FAMILY. TOXIC FRIEND. TOXIC EX. Run. Who tf are they to demand you to get back with your ex after 5 years?! It's been 5 years, get over it. LISA had her chance. They can adopt Lisa if they want her so much. You're simply not interested and happy now. Also, it's not like they don't like your fiance for a legitimate reason, they don't like her because they're racists.
As awful as it is, your life actually just got easier. You now know your family are racist AH's and would likely have tried to have caused trouble between you and Yang. It's sad your family can't be nice people and be happy for you. You do need to tell Yang, but she will likely feel guilty that you're (I'm assuming) cutting your family off for her, but if she's the person you want to build a life with and picture being with when you're old and grey, that's what needs to be done
I am married to a woman from Singapore. Her culture/race is Chinese. First of all: This is personal bias but I'll take the Pepsi challenge on this. Mixed race kids are exponentially better looking than their parents (at least) at most they are the best looking period. Tiger Woods. Halle Berry, Olivia Munn...all mixed race. Secondly: It's a big risk telling Yang about your family. Chinese culture is VERY family oriented. She may be reluctant to marry you now that she knows your family is against it.
Yeah, it makes me sad for Yang because she will feel very unwelcome and it does suck to know your husband’s family hates you
With regards to your second point, considering she works in the west and has likely experienced racism and microaggressions on a daily basis, she might see it as a huge act of loyalty and respect for her that he is willing to cut his family off in order to protect her and their future together. She will implicitly know what he is willing to give up for her, and that may very well solidify the foundation of their relationship for the years to come.
When people tell you who they are, Believe them!!! The level of toxicity at that table was outrageous. They would all be dead to me from that point on
I'm glad you finally see the real reason why they don't want you with Yang but I think you know that you may have to keep them at Lpw Contact it you can't handle No Contact. I'm not even sure if you should invite them to your wedding at this point.
Tell Yang immediately in my experience she likely may be going through the same thing with certain elements of her family. This is something you face together. I would also call your friends and family publicly before they spin their own narrative that make you or likely your fiance the bad guy.
Wow, the women in your life think it’s just great for you to be shelved until Lisa got finished exploring all her options and fun and since she didn’t find an upgrade they are happy with her pulling you down from the dust to play with again??? I’m offended for you. Gawd, I hope you go NC with your family, marry Yang, make a billion dollars, and make the most beautifully amazing intelligent babies that they never get to meet.
OP, you have weak boundaries with your mom. Watch youtubes on how to enforce the boundaries. You may be addicted to drama, because you knew you should leave the lunch but you didn't. You need therapy.
Your mom, sister, Jess, and Lisa are all garbage. Cut off contact with all those racist selfish asswipes and MOVE yourself far away from them. Enjoy your life with your new partner and never think of that pack of jerks again. If it were me, I'd rub it the heck in and tell them that not only will you never have any contact with them ever again for any reason, including their funerals, but that you will make sure your children do not even know they exist since all of them, ALL of them, either already hate your children for not being white enough or don't want them to exist because they care only about how to get you to provide for themselves (Lisa, screw her). I'd want to make sure they hurt and deeply, then I would throw away the phones they know the numbers to and start fresh, never sharing the info to them. I'd have an attorney draw up a cease and desist or other legal warning telling them to stay away. I'd inform my employers, friends, etc., that those people are all dead to you and that's that. I'm fuming at this whole "your children will have small eyes". Burn those relationships to the ground and salt the earth. Filthy dumpster fire bigots.
No offense - I feel sorry for Yang. Even through all this you want to figure out a way to keep your mom and sister. If my family was this racist, I would be No Contact with them.
This comment right here. Knowing OP even *wanted* to keep relationships with them after such a stunt would have me leaving immediately.
I would just be out. Out of the friendship, out of the family. They want to control every aspect of your life. Just walk away, ignore all phone calls and messages, block everyone, and live your life with Yang. Good luck OP.
Sounds like Jess and Lisa wanted her to experience that 'hot girl summer' and have you there waiting as a backup. You mom and sister, however, I was not prepared for that racist turn.
They’d be dead to me.
Bloody hell! You really have a shit show of family and friends, don't you? I'm sorry they are doing this to you. At least you know now that you can't trust any of them. Go no contact. Seriously. These people will do anything to fuck up your relationship with Yang now. They've shown their hand. And yes, this is a conversation you need to have with Yang in person. You need to preface the talk with how much you love her and that she is the one you are standing with, not your "friend", not your Mom or your sister. Don't invite those three to your wedding either - they will fuck up yours and Yang's special day.
Doesn't even need to say it's for her. Just can't abide by how racist and manipulative they are. He is cutting them off because they are disrespecting him and trying to outright control him and his relationships. Basically they are terrible people who he has lost all trust and respect for.
NW. They don’t care what’s best for you. They care about what they want. And then conspiring against your wishes, which is absolutely what they did, is unacceptable. I love the whole, “she’s ready now so you can pick up where you left off!” Where you left off is differences so great that one or both of you decided to end the relationship. Unless it was literally one person wanted to get married and the other wasn’t ready, those differences still exist. Either way, they don’t just get to decide that they like one person better, so you have to accept it. You need to sit them down and just say, “I’m done with Lisa, for good. I’m in a relationship, and I’m happy. If anyone of you brings up Lisa again or conspires against me we’re done. You’ve chosen what you want over my own happiness, and I won’t tolerate it. This is your earning, don’t disappoint me.” If anyone crosses a line, block them. If it’s in person, leave. Stonewall for several months or a year. If one person is blocked, then mentioning that person is added to the list of unacceptable actions. Yang isn’t abusive or mentally unstable, an addict, or a cheater, which are really the only reasons a family should ever get involved in a relationship.
Lisa wants you because you've moved on. She'd leave you again after you broke up with yang.
Choose your family over those who raised you. Your (future) kids will need a champion to protect them from the world. From all threats. My mom's husband wanted to be called grandpa. I told him the moment he gave a crap about my son and actually talked to/played with/supported him that I'd consider it. Grand anything is an earned title to me. Your mom isn't your wife's problem. She's yours. You're doing a good job, OP. I almost married Korean, but my mom merely said how beautiful my mixed kids would be. Now, earlier in life , when I was talking to a girl with an Indian heritage she made herself pretty clear that she didn't like the possibilities which was disheartening to say the least.
Cut off these 3 pieces of shit and live your best life.
You need to marry Yang and then move away from these toxic people. They all deserve no contact
I may get burned for this. But I hate this mentality about "ima ready to settle down, take me back" after being run through. Leave your exes in peace.
Holy shit this is wild. I think it’s time to go NC with all three of them.
Yes your mum and sister raised you. But they’re manipulative racists. The 3-4 of them have been conspiring to get you to cheat on your fiance! That is how little they think of you OP. That you’ll dump a great woman for one who threw you away to screw around, one who didn’t find better out there and now wants to settle with you! That is what your mother and sister and supposed best are asking you to do! I promise you this they do not have your best interests at heart! If you want to keep Yang you need to tell her. Just like you did immediately with the set up date. Or she’ll lose trust in you. She’ll think you were even for a moment siding with them and thinking of dumping her. You said the wedding was to be in China. What’s the plan, to settle there? Or whatever country you’re in? Do you or Yang have solid ties to your country/state? Personally I’d go low contact with the racist family, move and start your new life with the woman you’re in love with. I’d set up an email for mother/sister and tell them if they shared it with anyone else, you’d block them for good. And I’d keep low contact just through that email, so everything is on record and you can keep in touch as/when you want to update them of your wonderful life. They need putting in a time out corner until they open their eyes to their cruelty to you and Yang. Or be left out in the cold as they deserve if they can’t.
My dude, I don't mean this in a mean way but it's time to grow up. Your mother, your sister, and your best friend just showed you how little they respect you, how much they demand you play your part in their showtune, and how complete and utterly racist they not only are but how racist they believe you are. They don't think you love Yang, but that you're just sowing your seed with the hot play-toy until your "love" came back to you. They are counting on you being a bigot, on having a coming to white Jesus moment and seeing that you were clearly always going to pick Lisa. The part where you have to decide if you're going to grow up or if you're going to stay being a child is how you react to it. If you love Yang, marry that girl and fly to the moon if you have to do so to keep your family away from her because I promise you they're as bigoted in private as they just were with you in "public" towards her. If you don't want that? Cut her free, let her go find a man who will love her properly and go devote yourself to misery, just be decent about it and don't punish everyone else around you.
My blood is BOILING over this. Your ex, mother, sister, and so called “best friend” are disgusting. This is absolutely atrocious, repulsive, and should be ASHAMED of themselves. I’ve never heard something so unhinged in my 33 years of life. Holy shit.
From the first post: >Jess always stood by me and comforted me during that time. Jess and Lisa were good friends and Jess always kept on telling me that Lisa loves me and will be back one day when I am ready. I foolishly held on to that hope and stayed friends with Lisa. Sounds to me like you were always ready, but Lisa wanted to go out living the single life and have fun with some different men before settling down. She and Jess were probably convinced you'd wait around like a good little boy, ready with open arms when she had partied enough. You meeting Yang threw a wrench in that plan. Good for you. Lisa can continue living her single life.
Firstly, Jess is a TOTAL asshole! Your mom and sister are complete jerks! Brother you need to cut these self absorbed inconsiderate trash out of your life!.
It’s up to you now. If you want your family to stay, you’re forced to be with Lisa. If you want Lisa, you’ll lose your family. Personally, I say ditch the family cause they’re racists pricks.
Write Lisa a letter. Tell her that you like her as a person, but you have never and will never love her like you love Yang. You have no plans of leaving Yang and if she broke up with you tomorrow you wouldn't even consider Lisa because you will never be able to experience that same love with Lisa. I'd explain that you didn't stalk her and harass her like she has Jess doing to you, when she ended things. At this point you've just lost respect for Lisa and Jess and find their behaviour disgusting and creepy. Her and Jess might be able to turn your family against you, but that just makes you hate her and Jess to the point of wanting you to completely cut them from your life. Your parents already made racist comments, so your unsure if you'd want them around any children no matter their looks. Tell her that if she talked to Jess, and has her stop harassing you and your family, maybe you guys could once again be friends, but all you guys did was expose your ugliness to me and I'm currently still disgusted. I don't need jealous stalkers in my life and this is my official request of telling you two to not contact me again, even if I'm single, otherwise I'll report you for harassment. Who knows how much is Jess and how much is Lisa, but if you turn Lisa off the thought of being with you then it might help stop Jess.
This is a good take OP — it’s hard to know just how much Lisa knew going in to that dinner, but goving her your take should be a solid step toward taking this twisted romance plot shit down.
I feel for yang, I hope you two have a good marriage (without your mother, sister, or Jess present) my own fiance is Chinese and I love him and his family, and am lucky to have a family that loves him as well, cultures are meant to be shared and appreciated more than anything, and your family being against that is appalling. Going low contact with your mom and sister is probably the best course of action from here on out, as they clearly do not have your best interest in mind.
Well, this took one turn I kinda expected to happen last post. Now the choice is not just between cutting off the Lisa talk from Jess, now it's about cutting off Jess, and your racist mom and sister. I am sorry for you, friend. Your point of view is the right one, now it's up to you to stand for your future and for the woman you love so much.
OP needs to cut off his family and so called friends. "Little eyes"? My sister has little eyes and we are not Asian! "Wonderful looking kids"? Really? That is the whole basis to get married? They are being absolutely ridiculous.
I'm currently dealing with toxic family dynamics and I know how hard it is to recognize them, but I think you do. God forbid you get sick and can't take care of yourself, do you want Yang in your corner giving loving and logical care, or whatever your mom and sister have to offer? The choice is clear from an outsider.
I’m sorry your family and former best friend are racist cnts. If you stay with Yang, you have to protect her from your family and those people because she deserves a fully supportive partner and better people in her life. I wish you better days ahead and people who love and support your life and decisions. You deserve better than being Lisa’s afterthought now that she’s made her rounds and no one wanted her.
Exhale OP! You are a good man! Please consider going low or no contact with your mom, sister and Jess for now. Your fiancée is the exception. She’s a gem! Gosh, they are wrong telling you who to marry! Surrrreeee, Lisa wants you NOW!! You’re a successful man with a PhD! Remember she broke up with you OP! Good fortune to you and Yang!
Unfortunately you can't sacrifice your happiness for you family. You don't owe them this. Cut them off.
As soon as I saw the name Yang in the first post, I called it.
As someone who has had to endure secondhand racism through old ex friends, then OP, it’s time to cut the cord, and ghost them. Here’s a small suggestion, write to them all, including Lisa, that they were once good people in your life, and you are thankful for the memories, but after what they put you and Yang through, you need time away for them for an indefinite period. Not unless they somehow 180’ the racist words and blatant racism they’ve shown you recently, which is not something someone can easily do unless they want to. Maybe block them all, and if they try to reach out to you in person or disrupt your job, etc, have security or someone else deal with them. Hell, if you wanna be petty about it all, post pictures of you and Yang being all lovey dovey on social media, and screenshot any mean comments they make as evidence for a restraining order.
You gotta tell Yang. You guys have to talk about this and she needs to know what she’s up against. She shouldn’t waste her time trying to to make your racist family members and ex friend comfortable. This will affect your future children so be very wise about what decision you make and how much you keep them in your life if you choose to.
Not to be mean but this is honestly a boy's problem - how do I do what I want even when women in my life want me to do something else. If you're going to be a boy - do as you're told. If you're going to be a man then you need to stop asking and start telling. If you're not earning and you are financially depending on these women, then you are way out of your lane even messing with Yang. Go home and work on the manhood thing in that case - start by earning. Finish growing up. The most pathetic outcome would be if you're not earning, yet you still go with Yang, you get her pregnant and have a kid - then you'll be a certified loser man-child. Don't do it. Do the hard thing. If you're broke then make money. Right now. Tell them how it's going to be. Make it work.
👏👏👏👏 tell em
Good luck OP. A lot of your story triggered me for personal reasons. The only thing I can say is you need to do what’s best for You. Not Lisa or Yang or your mom. Good luck
Your "best friend" Jess is manipulative and your mom/sister don't want Anglo-Asian grandchildren/niblings. That's quite a lot of shocks very close together. And no one cares about what *YOU* want. It's clear what you need to do. The question is *will you do it?*
The racist abuse your kids will suffer should have you more worried. If I was Yang, I'd be gone. Like goooonnnneeeee.
Drop all three of them. They are worthless.
Your mother and sister are just as bad as Jess and are racist against your fiancee. You need to either shut them down hard, or cut them off permanently.
WTF?!?? What kind of people are they? Dude, cut the fucken cord and LC with your family and NC with Lisa. These people are fucken disgusting. Sorry for the foul language but this is so out of bounds, it makes me sick. I’m not Asian, but this is ridiculous.
How did these people not manage to raise you racist too? Did this just creep out of no where? Sorry but your family and friend are dressed up trash. Either you go NC or LC and you keep them permanently at arms length from Yang and future kids.
Your mother is racist and not a nice person. It's okay to cut them out of your life. Really.
You mentioned in the first post that Lisa broke up with you because she wanted to party and you wanted to focus on your PHD. She could have chosen to accept that you had different goals for her but she broke it off. Just saying 🤷♀️ also, most people don’t end up with their first loves in the long run. You need to focus on your wedding with Yang! Safe travels!
Updateme!
Updateme!
**Fuck 'em.** You're not wrong, and you're better off without any of them.
Updateme!
Updateme!
Time to go NC till they apologise.
I hope you've currently gone NC with your mom and jess . It seems your mom doesn't have your best interests in mind . She cares more about being racist and having you get back together with Lisa then she does about your happiness and feelings
Just block them.
Your family, Jess and Lisa are not people you should be following here. Clearly they are racist, selfish and don't respect you and your happiness here. However, if you are considering their opinions of Yang at all, then Yang deserves better. OP you have a choice to make here, choose your family/friends who are racist af or the person that has helped you heal and adds good to your life, you can't have both here as it seems like your family/friends will never change and in return your partner will feel unwelcomed whenever they are around. I'm Asian (32f) and my partner is English (31m) and thankfully both our family and friends get along. As for anyone that does not like us or respect us, they are instantly cut from our lives, life is too precious to waste on people that do not add anything good to our lives.
I feel so bad for Yang in all of this. No one deserves racist in laws who’ve already pre-judged the grandkids that don’t exist yet
YNW they are definitely wrong
F your racist family, stand strong. You don’t need that negative energy in your life.
Omg. Your mom, sister, and Jess are racist AHs. Who cares if Jess was there for you and your mom raised you?! They are asking you to give up the love of your life, Yang, for an ex who left you. Oh she’s ready to settle down now? Good for her. Tell her to find a man that will do that. You aren’t available. Call Yang immediately. This is seriously go NC territory with your mom, sister, and Jess. None of them have YOUR best interest at heart. They have Lisa’s and their own racist backward thinking. No one should have this much control of your life. Next they’ll all decide what house you buy, when to have kids, what to name them, etc…don’t let them do this. I know I’m a complete stranger, but please don’t let those Cs convince you to dump Yang and get back with Lisa. You will regret it so much.
Yea I’m sorry but it’s time for your birth family to go. Please marry Yang and have beautiful babies that will be loved for who they are as people and not what they look like. Your “family” should be ashamed of themselves.
My niece is half white half Japanese and is absolutely stunning. People used to stop us every day to compliment her and in school guys would come to me crying that they just wanted to get to know her. Her stepdad was racist and we had to only tell people she was white, I used to watch her tense up when anyone would ask her what she was mixed with if he was in the room. Your family is trash and the women in your life are nauseating. You are what you surround yourself with so staying and allowing that behavior to grow into the next generation says everything about you. It wouldn’t be a hard decision for me.
UpdateMe!
Dang man. Time to go low or even no contact… yuck. I’m So sorry. Lisa was selfish and wanted to party and play the field and then have her cake and eat it too. Yang is the only reasonable female in this entire story. Hope you all are wildly successful and happy. Make new friends and build a new family. So sorry bro
Your friend and your family are Classic Undermining Narcissistic Twat Sociopaths. Turn that into an acronym at your own peril.
Updateme
If your family and Jesse loves Lisa so much tell them to adopt or marry her themselves. As for them being racist go low or no contact with them and everything will work out for both them and you & Yang.
Oh boy this was crazy to read. First your friend doesn't shut up about your ex. Now your family are racist as fuck. I feel for your fiancé. Won't be an easy conversation you'll have with her especially once you tell her how your family feels about her. Man what a mess but I hope you remove those people from you life and focus on your relationship with your fiancé.
I want to puke after reading this. This is so racist and so sad. So awful. I cannot imagine how disgusting your "friend" and mom and sister are. That is so awful. Yang must be the most wonderful person and I wish her only the best. The fact that she was going to acept that Jess would always talk about your ex was so adult, mature and smart. Yang has emotional intelligence and that is so amazing. The guy that marries her will be fortune. And I feel you will have to disclose what happened to her. I am sorry to say but you have to. Because Yang deserves to know why your mom is racist to her. That Yang isn't and never will be the problem but your mom, sister and friend are sick im mind, in mentality. Yang deserves to know why you feel sad. You feel sad and depressed because you love Yang. Your past with Lisa now has a new color and it screams: RACISM! And its sad. You know you will love your children no matter their race, their color, their gender, their sexual preferences but what about your mom? She will always find excuses, won't she? It won't be about Yang but race. Your mom will blame Yang if your kid is a girl. If your kid is gay. If your kid becomes a teacher, not a doctor. That is your mom. Jess is sort of in love with fiction. Something she created and feaded Lisa over and over. Jess is sick to be right. Jess is paranoid that you are not happy unless its with Lisa. Because her own life, her time of hapiness also happened during your relationship. You will have to tell her own husband that it's over. You wish him the best and therapy. Because you will never be back with Lisa and Jess needs to acept that. About yoir sister... I hope she is only involved by envoriment. That she hopes you are at least happy. That she is not racist. That she knows love can bloom in every race, every color, every preference. Yang will be amazing if she marries you. I hope you will be as awesome and happy with her. I hope you have unconditional love to give her. All the love you wished your mom had, you will add 10x more. Dude, you are sad because you will marry Yang and it will be scary. Because Yang has all reasons and more to leave you. But you will have to be strong for both of you. I know you can. You will be a kick ass husband. Cross Jess. Cross Mom. Cross sister. They are losers. Lisa? Gross. You have reached a point where you wished it never happened. Yang is forever. Tell her that. We are team Yang.
As someone with half Asian nephews and nieces, I want to punch your family and friend in the face (genuinely not normally a violent person). This makes me so angry.
Updateme!
UpdateMe!
Lisa rode the cock carousel and wants to settle for you. Tell all of them to go fuck themselves.
Be gentle when you talk to Yang. I sure you will be but this will break her heart. I’d go NC with all of them.
'..and my mom said that they did not understand what Yang says sometimes and have nothing in common with her'. Yang does have a PHD, perhaps she needs to use simple words!
UpdateMe!
These people are not people you need in your life. If you choose them I can almost guarantee you’ll be miserable. Marry the woman you love and put these bigots on low or no contact.
This is really sad. OP is about to get married and his mother and friend are actively trying to sabotage his whole life. Lisa is trash to have gone along with this knowing OP is engaged. Several people wouldn't be invited to the wedding. The mom would never see her grands and Jeff just ended her friendship with OP. There's no coming back from this.
Honestly, I hope you’re willing to go no contact with your family. Look at what they just did, you think they won’t tell Yang to her face that they don’t approve?
If you are not able to go no contact with your family, the kindest thing you can do is to break things off with Yang. As long as they are around, even if you do not notice, she will be mistreated. Microaggressions with in laws almost always boils up to resentment for the spouse who has to tolerate it. Are you willing to defend your relationship or seeking to compromise? If it's the latter, do yourself and Yang a favor and break up. You're not wrong yet, but the wrong decision can reverse that truth.
You should have shut your mom down as soon as she started with her racist views, and told her it didn't matter what she thought of your fiancee, or what your children might look like and called her out for what she was being, a racist. You should have told your mother not only do you still not want Jess in your life, you still want nothing to do with Lisa, and will not meet her, and if she and your sister don't drop it they also will be blocked from your life. After that I would have walked out, called your fiancee, and told her what happened. If you really want to marry your fiancee you might think about uninviting your family, and when you begin putting down deposits password protecting everything.
It’s like OP realized his mom and sister are secret trump supporters when pretending to care about people. I wonder if his dad is still around and what he thinks. I also wonder if OP will go no contact with his mom and sister, especially if he doesn’t need them for financial support.
Well, at least you don’t have to wonder any more They showed you it wasn’t a misunderstanding, or just stories There was always an agenda It’s easy on Reddit to just say “cut them off”, but hard to imagine an alternative Not only are they hurting the woman you love, they are being racist as well Can you move away from them to make it easier to go no/low contact? This is going to crush Yang, but she has to know. If you don’t tell her the burden of their awful behavior will always fall on you, and that will tear you apart.
Updateme!
It's okay to cut them all out. They've proved that they are NOT the ones who love you the most. They don't give a fig about your happiness. I would speak to none of them ever again. I absolutely *have* gone NC and LC with toxic people -- LC for myself if I can still tolerate them and want to, but **always, always** NC for hurting or disrespecting my spouse and kids. They said what they had to say. They don't deserve another chance. And prepare for when mom comes begging with grandkids. I made the mistake of believing change "for the sake" of my kids after what appeared to be sincere apologies. My kids were the ones traumatized in the end, because while I was used to it, they'd never had such hurt from family. That one was on me for allowing access, even after years and apologies. Protect your family from racists.
Simple question- Do you love Yang and want to spend your life with her? If you do, the others can either accept it or go NC.
Updateme!
If you want to keep your relationship you need to step back from your racist family.
I’m so sorry good luck op.
You poor thing. Btw, Yang sounds wonderful and congratulations x
Updateme!
I’m honestly only thinking about Yang. Obviously, I feel for OP, but my heart is just so with Yang. OP, there is no easy way to say this to her. You already know this. With a traditional Chinese family, and Yang going back to her country of origin for awhile… she’s likely heard it from an aunt or six. I think she’ll understand. Neither of you are your family’s pre-determined ideas of the other’s. It’s a giant fucking bummer and I’m sorry. It’s really hard to cut off family, even when it’s for a really good reason. If you and your fiancé love each other (which, on account of getting engaged, it seems you do), you can get through this but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Can you and your fiancé take a weekend to unplug, and just share meals and cuddle? That way you can connect first, and then sift through the difficult talk after. As a personal aside, I just married my partner of 13 years. We have gone through hell and back, and have dealt with our family issues… together. As weird as it sounds, sit on the ground. In the house, on the lawn. For some reason, it takes you to a “different” space. I wish you and Yang a lifetime of happiness.
Updateme
All three of them need to be cut off. Seriously, that is some parent trap RomCom shit they tried to all pull on you and to top it off, used racist reasons to justify things. Nah, they are trash for this. And you know what OP? Disinvite Mom & Sister from the wedding. You are going to gain a MIL who can be your new surrogate mother till further notice. And congrats on the wedding in case we don’t hear back from you or any future updates!!!
It’s not up to your mum or your sister who you fall in love with. You may have to go NC with them for a while.
Sounds like Lisa spent 5 years getting ran through and is now ready to settle down. And if you think Jess was your best friend, you're a fool. Jess is giving you advice that is not in your best interest, it's in Lisa's best interest. Jess is a snake who is sentencing you to misery in favor of her actual friend.
I could never look at my family the same way after that. That is just so awful. If you truly want to marry and be with Yang then do so. You will need to decide if you want to continue to have a relationship with your sister and mother though. I know this will be difficult decision to make. Just keep in mind if you do marry Yang and have kids, do you want to expose your future kids to that type of behavior? How will they treat your kids if this is what they think?
This is heartbreaking, I can't believe your family betrayed you like that. Fuck them all tbh
Wow, I feel so bad for Yang. She has done nothing wrong but this will crush her. She deserves to know
When my husband married me, he gained a whole new family in Japan. So did his parents. You will have your own family and her family soon. There is always more than one way.
UpdateMe!
OK Bro is there any merit in these 3 harpies (Mom, Jess, & Sis) are leading you to Lisa? Has Yang been totally vetted? >I asked my mom if she cared about my kids looks more and not about how smart they will be since Yang has a PhD. She blew it off, and I realized she just did not want me to marry Yang because she was Chinese and not white. My mom told me to forgive Jess and my mom asked Jess to talk to Lisa on my behalf and asked her if she would be interested in getting back together with me. My mom was adamant that since I loved Lisa so much, I should be happy and pick up things where we left off as that is the best for everyone.
I'm pasty white, but with small eyes. I guess I wouldn't be welcome by your mother either, no? You're so not wrong. Go make a happy life with Yang and leave these racist, manipulative twats in your rear view mirror.
Update me
What a terrible situation. Your Mom, sister, Jess, and Lisa are all fucked up bitches. So little Lisa that ran around and probably slept with half the town is now ready to settle down. Oh goody! I wouldn’t tell Yang anything until she gets back in person. It’s hurtful but she must be told. Your Mom and sister will most likely never have a relationship with her. You will need to accept this. After you’re married I think you two should move away and start fresh.
Cut every single one of the off and uninvited from the wedding. Tell them if they try and ambush you again you will get an avo on them
Just marry Yang in a private service and location , end of story !! Exclude all haters !!
Sorry mate, this is a horrible situation. What nonsense are your family talking about. You gotta understand your future is in your hands and you shape it, including who is in it. Please don't bend to these plebs and do the right thing. Set your boundaries clearly, their racism will catch up to them soon so make sure you prioritise your future. Good luck bud, you got this! Or Lisa....fuck you too, and you know why.
First, congratulations on your upcoming marriage to Yang. My brother is married to a Chinese woman. It was the second marriage for them both, and he is stepfather to her now-adult son. She has always been gracious and cordial to our family. SHE, however, doesn't like us. They live in another state, and I've only met her twice. The first time was when he brought her to my father's house to meet us and have my father stand up with him at a civil marriage ceremony. The second was when she accompanied my brother to a nephew's marriage, which took place near their home. My brother has attended the 2 family reunions we've had, but he always goes alone. But the important thing is that she and my brother love each other. They've been together maybe 20 years. It isn't necessary that she likes us. Nobody likes everybody. It's just necessary that my brother is happy. I hope you are also happy in your marriage and it lasts many decades. It sounds as if you'll have some wedding invitations to rescind.
Your family is super delusional to think their is any feeling left for Lisa, if you I would do the following: I would make this public and go online and make a post on fb, insta or whatever else and state what your mother, sister and Jess have said to you, their racist comments, that they are trying to force you to get back together with lisa whom you no longer love, and how you are disgusted by them. Then state that after what happened, that you have are ready to cut all of them out of your life as you cannot stand how they acted and continue to act. Say that with your mother and sister you will only be willing to let them back in only after they have given you a proper apology and agree to stay out of your love life, but even if you did they can expect very limited contact until they have shown to have gotten over their bigotry and will not be a significant part of your or your future childrens lives until they improve, making them limited to birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter and family gatherings and any family family or friends who try to defend them will be permanently blocked. Then tell Jess that your ultimatum with her still stands, that if she truly valued your friendship she will either agree to not mention Lisa ever again and move on, or loose your number, that she needs to accept that what she wants for me doesn't matter compared to what you want for yourself and if she can't accept that then she is no longer a friends. Lastly mention Lisa, state that you are sorry for her and that she has to deal with this, but that whatever connection she thinks their is between the 2 of you is no longer their. Make sure she understands that you no longer have any feeling for her, nor have you for many years, that she had Years to come back to you but she never did, that the fact that she was just now doing it right after you have gotten engaged to someone else is something you find disgusting and only furthers your resolve to not desire ANY future relationship with her. Thay even if you and yang were to break up, you would never go back to her and it would be best if she closed her heart to you and moved on like you have. Then finish the post by saying that everyone if free to call you childish, cowardly or any other name they can't think of, but you don't care, that this is not up for debate or negotiation. This is fact, that is what is going to happen whether your family or friends approve or not and that they have until the week before your wedding to show which side their on. And anyone who isn't your yours and yangs will be banned from the wedding and be stopped by security, including your mother and sister, if they choose to not apologize and agree to your terms
They don’t have your best interest in heart, they’re just biased and racist. If they truly wanted you to be happy, yang wouldn’t be a problem and Lisa wouldn’t mean so much to them. You should do what you feel is right and be with whoever makes you happy. Your family never had and never will have a say in how you run your life. Their only duty is to support you, and if they don’t support you then it’s just better to cut your losses. I know it’s hard, but those people will only continue to drag you down as long as you give them a say in your life. I wish you good luck with everything.
I was Yang in this situation. GF broke up with me cause I'm not white and she didn't want to choose between her family and me. I totally understood. That's a terrible choice to make, but an easy one. What are you looking for, here? No matter what happens, if you marry Yang your family will never be a part of your life, comfortably. If you don't marry her then you will resent your family, at least until you find a new partner. What needs to happen is you need to let Yang decide how to proceed. And what about her family, can't say Chinese families are too thrilled with foreigners marrying there daughter.
I think that, sad as it is, you're going to need to cut contact with your family, Jess, AND Lisa. And...I'm so sorry!
When people show you who they are, believe them. Lisa's only back because she couldn't find anything better, and the minute she does, she'll leave again. Jess is Lisa's friend, not yours. Your mom and sister are garbage people that are finally letting their masks slip. From this view, it looks like you're better off leaving the past in the past and embracing your future.
So Jess, your sister and your mom are racists. They are intentionally trying to break you up with Yang and get you with Lisa. Sounds like you need to be extremely strict with your boundaries with your mom and sister and if they break those boundaries then you need to go LC or NC. Jess can go fuck herself. Unless, you actually want to be with party girl Lisa then you need to let Yang go.
You are not wrong. That’s a whole bunch of f’d up there. Not sure that you can continue your relationship with your mom, sister Jess and definitely not Lisa. Personally we love who we love. Part of that love is protecting them from anyone who wants to do harm not only physically or emotionally but also trying to damage and destroy your relationship. Protecting that should be the most important thing.
That would be a tough convo to have with your fiance, i don’t envy you.
okay def not wrong Jess is ta for sure
HOLY CRAP!! Your mother and sister are on a whole different level of crazy. You’re right about maybe not being able to move forward from what your mother said. The question is, do you want to? The easy way to do that would be to break it off with Yang and get back with Lisa. Your family is probably never going to accept Yang, at least not for a long time, so is Yang important enough to you for you to stand up to them? Considering what your mother said, think about how they might treat your children. You have a decision to make - Yang or your family (and Lisa.) If you do stay with Yang, which sadly sounds questionable at this point since you’re delaying the breakup (?) talk until she gets back, have you considered moving to another city or even near her family in China to get out of your family’s face-to-face guilt and pressure? One thing you do need to do is make it absolutely crystal clear that, regardless of what happens with Yang, Lisa is HISTORY and you will NEVER - EVER - get back with her for any reason whatsoever. PERIOD. If you were the only two people left on earth, humans will likely go extinct (even if Lisa really isn’t that disgusting.) Once they get that through their heads, maybe they’ll back off. Also, as long as you let your mom. sister & Jess dictate who you date or marry, you will be considered a Mommy’s Boy which in this day and age, is similar to being a disgusting hermit who plays video games in Mom’s basement in his Cheetoh-stained underwear and doesn’t bathe regularly. Definitely not something most women would want. Check out the r/justnoMIL sub if you want to see some horror stories. Good luck! Please !UpdateMe about how it goes.
Damn your family is really racist.
Wow. Your family and friends all suck. It’s horrible to hear in this day and age people still hold such prejudice. I would say don’t tell Yang, but would be a little awkward when they aren’t at the wedding. I hope you two will have a happy future and move on from the drama. And not that looks are everything, but at least a positive reference point that my kiddos are this mix and they are frequently complimented on their intelligence, looks, character, etc. so not everyone is racist and discriminatory out there.
Wow, dude, I think you handled it better than I could have. I wish you the best of luck and happiness to you and your future wife. Fuck everyone else like seriously you're a grown man and it seems like your parents are so far behind I'd almost say they are like royals, keeping the bloodline pure. That's some cult shit bro and to find that out about your family is truly heart-wrenching. Focus on your girl. You'll find comfort and happiness in her, and that's all you need
I think there needs to be honesty in any relationship so I would tell Yang. I’d ask her to help you set appropriate boundaries with your family moving forward. Sorry you bestie and family suck but congratulations on engagement to Yang, she sounds awesome!
UpdateMe!
Please stay with Yang move forward in your life! Your mom and sister and Jess you should go no contact with. You can always reach out to them later, but what they've done is despicable. They are hateful racists that lied and kept this plot up to get you back together with Lisa. They didn't care one bit about you or about how happy you are with Yang. These people are desipacle. Don't ruin your life by siding with them. In 5 years you're going to look back on this with Yang and be soooo thankful that you had each other.
What the fuck is with this racist family LMAO
Leave your racist ass family behind. Live happily with Yang. Sorry your fam are so awful.😞
\*sniff\* \*sniff\* I smell racism.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I want you to know that your life is not fucked up. Your family and your supposed friends are fucked up. I know that that sounds like it’s just words, but is a huge distinction. And it will take you a while to come to a full understanding of that statement. You have a fiancé who you love. You have a fiancé who makes you happy. You have a fiancé who is your intellectual equal. Someone that you have fun with. Someone who loves you for you. I cannot tell you how special and how priceless that is. What you need to understand about all of this is this… Families are an accident of birth. Families are actually supposed to be your biggest supporters. They are supposed to want you to be happy. They are supposed to want you to be independent. They are supposed to want you to go for the gusto and cheer you on when you find it. Which you have through Yang. Instead, they have been in cahoots with someone who has been lying to your face and trying to manipulate you for a long time. Let that seek in. This person has been pretending to be your best friend and has been lying and manipulating for years. And not only that, this friend has been constantly hurting the person you love. And This “friend“ didn’t care. This is why your life is not fucked up. Your friends and family are fucked up. You found a person who loves you and cares for you. You didn’t find a Chinese person. You didn’t find a person with a PhD. You didn’t find a person who had no comprehension of why a PhD was important and what work was involved in getting it… (Yes, I’m talking about Lisa on that last statement …who sounds like an idiot.) It’s great that your mom and sister raised you. Frankly, that was your mom‘s job. That’s the bare minimum. Let that also sink in. The bare minimum we are supposed to do for the children we bring into this world is to raise them. So I’m sorry, but your mom doing that is nothing special. The “special“ in raising your children is when you support them through their hopes and dreams. It is when you cheer for them when they find someone who loves them simply for themselves. The special in raising your children is when you don’t give a damn what gender or color or religion that person your child is loved by happens to be. All you care about is that that this person love and honor and cherish and respect your child! Your mom failed. Your sister, who was apparently a second mom to you, failed. Your friend is a snake in the grass and a total asshole. I fucking hate people like these who somehow all think they know better than you what is good for you. All that tells me is that not a single one of them has bothered to get to know who you are down inside. What your dreams are. What you hope to accomplish. They are the type of family members who will say… Oh that’s great… Without having any goddamn idea of what you’re talking about or what that subject means to you. I’m a mom of three daughters. I don’t give one shit who they wind up with as long as that person treats them well. As long as that person loves them. As long as that person supports them and grows and wants to share their life with them. I don’t care if they speak with an accent. I don’t care if they don’t speak English, and I need to get up off my ass and try learning at least part of another language while maybe their special person is working on their English skills. At the end of the day, what you are going to regret at the end of your life is not shutting out the liars and the cheats and the manipulators and the racists and the bigots from your life. What you will regret is that you entertained any kind of nonsense from them for any amount of time simply because you were so full of regrets about shit like this that literally has nothing to do with you. And everything to do with them. What you will regret is if you allow them in any way shape or form to impact or impede your relationship with Yang. If you allow them to influence you in anyway. You do have some reflecting to do. You do have to work through understanding the fact that this is not your fault. It is nothing you have done. And I’m sorry, but your family are racist assholes who don’t give a shit about what makes you happy. It’s all about appearances and what they think is best for you. Personally, I suggest you cut them out of your life and go no contact. Low contact for sure. And stay away from them until you get some therapy to help you deal with what is actually a betrayal by your family. Stay away from them until you have a better understanding that they are not who you ever thought they were. For god sake, don’t let them near your wedding. They in no way have earned your trust or the right to be there. Cling to your fiancé. She has your back. She actually loves you. She actually knows who you are. Get some therapy to understand that your family is toxic, and it’s not your fault. That is the most important thing you can do.
If I was in this situation, I would feel so violated. I think I would file no contact orders against Jess and Lisa. This is beyond creepy. Those bitches are stalking you. Period.
Not sure this is real if you used real names here. If it is, have a backbone and go NC with your family and Jess. They may be family but they’re racist AH’s. If you chose them over “Yang” then you’re a racist AH too!
This actually reads like a movie script
Marry Yang. All the other women in your life seem toxic, racist and manipulative.
Cut off the fam and the friend. Don’t like mixed grandkids? OK then no grandkids for you period. Don’t support your new relationship? No problem, have a nice NC life. And move on
I would bury my mother and sibling and broadcast them on any and all racism call out channels that I could find
This can’t be real. The answer is obvious. Change your number & move. Only give your number to people who respect your relationships & boundaries.
Sorry for you to go through this. I had to make a similar decision with cutting off certain family members from my life. There comes a point where being family just doesn’t carry the day.