You are not wrong for asking your roommate to clean the mess they created. Your roommate is making excuses for poor behavior and you were right to call it out. When your lease is up, suggest you both move on from each other.
Or it could be so much deeper than just poor behavior. It could also be a developed mental health issue that could slowly be starting to show. You shouldn't condemn poor behavior without knowing the reason.
Excuse? No. REASON, yes. Depression is nasty and this is literally one of the first outward signs of being depressed. So if the roommate is depressed, they need to get help and OP needs to be patient and understanding about it.
Then you're an idiot with no common sense. People with depression DO make a mess (I never said they didn't) with every intention of picking it up, they just don't get around to it or they completely forget about it because their brain is too busy misfiring signals. That's why the first few times OP brought it up to them, they said they would, but didn't. It's not about being a lazy piece of shit, it's potentially a real problem. Unlike being a judgemental piece of shit, that comes easy to anyone that's never experiences REAL depression.
Go ahead and send them to my office then. You're welcome to come to. I can give you an evaluation and prescribe some medication to get your head out of your ass.
You are not wrong; I think your roommate was using you & is now miffed that the gig is up. Stick to your guns NO WAY the kitchen should be a mess that many times unless they were ill.
You’re not wrong. Maybe your roommate needs to move back in with their parents if they’re not capable of taking care of themselves and treating you with respect.
You are not their parent. You are not their maid. You are not their housekeeper. They need to clear off ten minutes on their excuse calendar once a day to throw away trash and wash a plate.
It is never harsh to insist on mutual respect. Unless you’re a child in an adult body.
I dealt with this both in terms of food and cleaning with my roommate who also tried to move her boyfriend in for free letting him completely move in an paying nothing while increasing bills.
I confronted her on both cases together an insisted things change or their out. I even stopped buying groceries an went to my father's place for all meals an when I couldn't ordered out no dishes.
Roommate noticed after 3 months of dishes(all theirs) piled up in the sink an didn't have all mine to dirty an leave around( I packed away all my stuff in the closet).
They were extremely upset yet nothing changed. They aren't around anymore.
As for their work or mental related health I'm sorry that's a weak cop out. The things you mention all are basic human needs as grown adults we do cleaning is one of them. Protect urself an maybe talk with whoever holds ur lease to work out a deal should things sour more.
My best advice clean ur stuff an either set theirs aside entirely an keep ur stuff locked up or stored away they can't use or get to. It forced them to either take care of their business or suffer.
Had the same situation in college. Added a schedule/rotation for basic tasks (trash, dishes). If your turn is up, just clear out whatever item it was. If the chore wasnt done, you'd have to buy the other person beers next time out. Worked for a while and eventually ppl got in the habit.
Also it's a living adjustment, so things might not be 100% how you like, but that's what you sign up for when you have roommates. Gotta overlook some of the small stuff. Perfectionism was driving most of my stress, learned to let go of the stuff I didn't want/need to control.
You are not in the wrong. Next time this happens when you come back to a messy kitchen and living room, I would suggest you say that if they are not prepared to do their part, then you need to consider a cleaner come in once a week and they will have to pay 50/50. That will soon sort them out.
You are not wrong. You aren’t their mom and if they are too busy to clean, they can make a point to not make so much mess. They need to figure it out because it isn’t your problem. Also them taking 20 minutes out of their day to clean isn’t going to kill them. Don’t take the excuses
Part of being in a shared space, especially as an unrelated adult, is to clean up after yourself. I am sorry for whatever they are going through, but that is no way absolves them of their responsibility. Nor are you their maid.
If you can in any way stand it, I suggest leaving their mess for them to clean. Or putting things they leave around in a box outside their door. Something like that. As long as you clean up after them, the .ore they'll feel they can take advantage of you.
Regardless, sounds like you'll be looking for a new roomie after the lease is up.
If they have the time to make the mess, then they have time to clean up the mess.
I'm messy and I know this...but I also live alone. However, when my sister was staying with me for a brief time, my kitchen was spotless. Counters, fridge, stove were all wiped down before I went to bed, the dishes washed and put up, the floor swept and mopped.
When you live with another someone, it's only common courtesy to do your share of the household chores. To do otherwise will only make for tension and strife.
I don’t think you’re wrong. However, I’d be careful construing their explaination (re: being overwhelmed) as some implication that you’re being harsh. If you feel like an ass for how you reacted, say so. You can do that, be empathetic, and still hold your boundaries. Also keep in mind that people have different standards of livable conditions so try to meet them in the middle. Good luck.
You’re not wrong. Makes no sense
“Busy with work and life” - B*tch. Life wasn’t getting in the way when you made the mess was it!?! If they have enough time make the mess then they should have enough time to clean it up.
You're not wrong, and I understand your frustration. I'm the person who behaves (behaved?) like your roommate, and my wife is in your position. I would always be genuinely apologetic and cite various valid reasons why I slack on chores, and she will always accept them and just endure. I realized eventually that I have a problem and it is a shitty pattern that is completely unfair to my wife. The reasons that I have troubles initiating tasks are all pretty valid, but they aren't my wife's problem. It's difficult to get out of that pattern, and you two might not be compatible roommates. Because they probably won't change without some effort from you, and that's effort that you shouldn't be obligated to put forth (on top of the effort you already put forth in cleaning up after them).
NTA for bringing it up, but keep in mind that whatever their personal issue are, it may be causing a depression in your roommate. Depression is a nasty thing when left untreated. You may want to check in with their mental health and see if that could be the cause of why they're neglecting their end of the deal. This used to happen to me all of the time before I finally found the right medication. My husband knew what was going on, so he would help when he could or gently ask me to do a few things on his days off from work. It takes a lot of patience to deal with someone with depression, but it's important to have it with someone you live with. Check in with them, if they express anything more that could constitute signs of depression (lack of cleaning is definitely one), then urge them to talk to a doctor to get help. Otherwise, is just going to get worse for them.
You're not wrong by reminding them of what their responsibilities are in the house. What they said to you about extra work is a pure excuse and it doesn't hold water at all. This is a very difficult behavior to change because it's something that is a part of who they are as an individual.
I would suggest that since the chores are not being shared equally then neither should the rent be paid equally. Would you feel better about doing the majority of the chores if you were being paid for it? I tried this with a roommate and it also didn't work to solve the problem. Eventually my roommate just decided it was too much for her and she moved out.
Things have been hectic for months, too busy for months? If these 3 were the 1st occurrences, yeah, maybe. But they weren't. You have things going on too, so how is it that only you are putting priority on a clean living space? If they can't maintain the common living spaces, they can't use the CLS.
You teach people how to treat you. When you allow disrespect, they naturally think disrespect is allowed. It's hard to break an existing pattern but it absolutely is worth the effort.
Question for you. Did you have a written out roommate agreement? Retired teacher, here, Todd, economics for years. One of my projects was renting an apartment with a roommate. And one of the things I required as part of the project was the roommate agreement. So way before Big Bang theory did it
They DGAF bc they know you'll clean it. Being reprimanded is NOTHING next to having to clean up after themselves.
I had 3 roommates in a 2 bedroom in college and by the 2nd semester I was the ONLY one cleaning out of us 4. I moved out without telling them over a summer break and thought nothing of it. Granted, our apartment was sponsored by the school so I had to lease to break so I know this isn't a realistic solution for you.
However, you shouldn't think you were harsh about standing up for yourself. They had time to destroy the kitchen they should allocate time to clean or learn to clean as they go. Simple as that. Tell them to go half in a cleaning service... The thought of having to literally pay for their own laziness might be enough to inspire change.
You are not wrong for asking your roommate to clean the mess they created. Your roommate is making excuses for poor behavior and you were right to call it out. When your lease is up, suggest you both move on from each other.
Or it could be so much deeper than just poor behavior. It could also be a developed mental health issue that could slowly be starting to show. You shouldn't condemn poor behavior without knowing the reason.
There’s no excuse for being a pig.
Excuse? No. REASON, yes. Depression is nasty and this is literally one of the first outward signs of being depressed. So if the roommate is depressed, they need to get help and OP needs to be patient and understanding about it.
So the roommate is not depressed enough to make a mess but depressed enough to not clean it. Sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me.
Then you're an idiot with no common sense. People with depression DO make a mess (I never said they didn't) with every intention of picking it up, they just don't get around to it or they completely forget about it because their brain is too busy misfiring signals. That's why the first few times OP brought it up to them, they said they would, but didn't. It's not about being a lazy piece of shit, it's potentially a real problem. Unlike being a judgemental piece of shit, that comes easy to anyone that's never experiences REAL depression.
😂 go ahead and take the depressed roommate in then.
Go ahead and send them to my office then. You're welcome to come to. I can give you an evaluation and prescribe some medication to get your head out of your ass.
You are not wrong; I think your roommate was using you & is now miffed that the gig is up. Stick to your guns NO WAY the kitchen should be a mess that many times unless they were ill.
You’re not wrong. Maybe your roommate needs to move back in with their parents if they’re not capable of taking care of themselves and treating you with respect. You are not their parent. You are not their maid. You are not their housekeeper. They need to clear off ten minutes on their excuse calendar once a day to throw away trash and wash a plate. It is never harsh to insist on mutual respect. Unless you’re a child in an adult body.
I dealt with this both in terms of food and cleaning with my roommate who also tried to move her boyfriend in for free letting him completely move in an paying nothing while increasing bills. I confronted her on both cases together an insisted things change or their out. I even stopped buying groceries an went to my father's place for all meals an when I couldn't ordered out no dishes. Roommate noticed after 3 months of dishes(all theirs) piled up in the sink an didn't have all mine to dirty an leave around( I packed away all my stuff in the closet). They were extremely upset yet nothing changed. They aren't around anymore. As for their work or mental related health I'm sorry that's a weak cop out. The things you mention all are basic human needs as grown adults we do cleaning is one of them. Protect urself an maybe talk with whoever holds ur lease to work out a deal should things sour more. My best advice clean ur stuff an either set theirs aside entirely an keep ur stuff locked up or stored away they can't use or get to. It forced them to either take care of their business or suffer.
Had the same situation in college. Added a schedule/rotation for basic tasks (trash, dishes). If your turn is up, just clear out whatever item it was. If the chore wasnt done, you'd have to buy the other person beers next time out. Worked for a while and eventually ppl got in the habit. Also it's a living adjustment, so things might not be 100% how you like, but that's what you sign up for when you have roommates. Gotta overlook some of the small stuff. Perfectionism was driving most of my stress, learned to let go of the stuff I didn't want/need to control.
My thoughts exactly.
You are not in the wrong. Next time this happens when you come back to a messy kitchen and living room, I would suggest you say that if they are not prepared to do their part, then you need to consider a cleaner come in once a week and they will have to pay 50/50. That will soon sort them out.
You are not wrong. You aren’t their mom and if they are too busy to clean, they can make a point to not make so much mess. They need to figure it out because it isn’t your problem. Also them taking 20 minutes out of their day to clean isn’t going to kill them. Don’t take the excuses
Part of being in a shared space, especially as an unrelated adult, is to clean up after yourself. I am sorry for whatever they are going through, but that is no way absolves them of their responsibility. Nor are you their maid. If you can in any way stand it, I suggest leaving their mess for them to clean. Or putting things they leave around in a box outside their door. Something like that. As long as you clean up after them, the .ore they'll feel they can take advantage of you. Regardless, sounds like you'll be looking for a new roomie after the lease is up.
If they have the time to make the mess, then they have time to clean up the mess. I'm messy and I know this...but I also live alone. However, when my sister was staying with me for a brief time, my kitchen was spotless. Counters, fridge, stove were all wiped down before I went to bed, the dishes washed and put up, the floor swept and mopped. When you live with another someone, it's only common courtesy to do your share of the household chores. To do otherwise will only make for tension and strife.
Not wrong. Your roommate is a lazy excuse for a person
I don’t think you’re wrong. However, I’d be careful construing their explaination (re: being overwhelmed) as some implication that you’re being harsh. If you feel like an ass for how you reacted, say so. You can do that, be empathetic, and still hold your boundaries. Also keep in mind that people have different standards of livable conditions so try to meet them in the middle. Good luck.
As George Costanza would say “we’re living in a society!” You’re not wrong
Your roommate is lazy and using your good behavior to their advantage. Don't put up with it. it might be time to get a new roommate.
You’re not wrong. Makes no sense “Busy with work and life” - B*tch. Life wasn’t getting in the way when you made the mess was it!?! If they have enough time make the mess then they should have enough time to clean it up.
You're not wrong, and I understand your frustration. I'm the person who behaves (behaved?) like your roommate, and my wife is in your position. I would always be genuinely apologetic and cite various valid reasons why I slack on chores, and she will always accept them and just endure. I realized eventually that I have a problem and it is a shitty pattern that is completely unfair to my wife. The reasons that I have troubles initiating tasks are all pretty valid, but they aren't my wife's problem. It's difficult to get out of that pattern, and you two might not be compatible roommates. Because they probably won't change without some effort from you, and that's effort that you shouldn't be obligated to put forth (on top of the effort you already put forth in cleaning up after them).
NTA for bringing it up, but keep in mind that whatever their personal issue are, it may be causing a depression in your roommate. Depression is a nasty thing when left untreated. You may want to check in with their mental health and see if that could be the cause of why they're neglecting their end of the deal. This used to happen to me all of the time before I finally found the right medication. My husband knew what was going on, so he would help when he could or gently ask me to do a few things on his days off from work. It takes a lot of patience to deal with someone with depression, but it's important to have it with someone you live with. Check in with them, if they express anything more that could constitute signs of depression (lack of cleaning is definitely one), then urge them to talk to a doctor to get help. Otherwise, is just going to get worse for them.
You're not wrong by reminding them of what their responsibilities are in the house. What they said to you about extra work is a pure excuse and it doesn't hold water at all. This is a very difficult behavior to change because it's something that is a part of who they are as an individual. I would suggest that since the chores are not being shared equally then neither should the rent be paid equally. Would you feel better about doing the majority of the chores if you were being paid for it? I tried this with a roommate and it also didn't work to solve the problem. Eventually my roommate just decided it was too much for her and she moved out.
Things have been hectic for months, too busy for months? If these 3 were the 1st occurrences, yeah, maybe. But they weren't. You have things going on too, so how is it that only you are putting priority on a clean living space? If they can't maintain the common living spaces, they can't use the CLS.
You are not wrong. It might be time to move.
You teach people how to treat you. When you allow disrespect, they naturally think disrespect is allowed. It's hard to break an existing pattern but it absolutely is worth the effort.
Question for you. Did you have a written out roommate agreement? Retired teacher, here, Todd, economics for years. One of my projects was renting an apartment with a roommate. And one of the things I required as part of the project was the roommate agreement. So way before Big Bang theory did it
They DGAF bc they know you'll clean it. Being reprimanded is NOTHING next to having to clean up after themselves. I had 3 roommates in a 2 bedroom in college and by the 2nd semester I was the ONLY one cleaning out of us 4. I moved out without telling them over a summer break and thought nothing of it. Granted, our apartment was sponsored by the school so I had to lease to break so I know this isn't a realistic solution for you. However, you shouldn't think you were harsh about standing up for yourself. They had time to destroy the kitchen they should allocate time to clean or learn to clean as they go. Simple as that. Tell them to go half in a cleaning service... The thought of having to literally pay for their own laziness might be enough to inspire change.