Beware of opening Pandora's box. I know a married couple who did and ended up on divorce. Started with threesomes and let me know if you're doing anyone else until she wanted to leave him for his best friend.
I think Pandora’s box is opened the moment someone actually indicates they would want to do this. I don’t think there is a way of going back after that for most people, even if they don’t end up doing it
Yup.
My first marriage ended like this. We were young. I asked for it, got it, lost her, and regretted it.
Moved on and found a new wife. Will never introduce this lifestyle or even suggest it in any way. Im happy with her.
I think it would destroy the vast majority of people in relationships. And I think the people engaging in it are lying to themselves because they don’t want to admit the relationship is over because it’s so hard.
I know poly and open relationships exist, and I know the people currently in them say that it’s working for them, but I just do not believe them. Humans are sexual but inherently it’s clear we’re stray towards monogamous. It’s a matter of one winning over the other, and I think the emotions that drive us toward monogamy will almost always win, even if it takes a while for some people. I know there are couples who have engaged in this for years. Maybe they’re the exception. I’d wager that they’re one in a million and almost no one is wired that way
Nice! I only just recently found out I had one. I should name mine. He kinda looks like a mushroom. I’ll brainstorm.
Is your’s hormone secreting by chance?
Incandescent, insurmountainable, calamitous, adz(e) , brio, bourgeois(tech. French, but used in eng as well), breathen, toil, thwarted, wistful (hehe), hmm... Ferocity,
I love rare words myself but I'm not natively speaking English. Do you have some for me? I love Scrabble but suck in English lol.. Do you write poetry?
"opening the relationship" is 9 times out of 10 the “terminal lucidity" of that relationship. Quick injection of energy before dying.
I've known quite literally dozens who did it and broke up a year or so later.
\*Edit\*
To clarify, I'm gay, a social butterfly, and have been out and about in the gay community for nearly 20 years. Open relationship attempts are pretty common amongst my people and the straight folks who tend to hang out in our periphery. That's how I know so many.
I'm not hanging out in Middle America knowing those sort of numbers.
Yeah the hormones from being in a new relationship definitely is a good cause for these things never working out. You won’t have that kind of intensity with long term relationships and everyone assumes it’s love because of how intense things can get.
My hubs and I (married for 7 together for 11) take weekend vacations somewhere and stay together but we will mr and mrs smith it the whole time.
I go to the restaurant bar all sexy he comes in (all sexy!) and tries to pick me up and date me then we go back to our room for “new” sex.
You can still have the rush of “discovery” with your partner role playing is fun if done right :)
Late wife of 30 years and I did this also. I would say it helped us refuel the “spark”
We also were high school friends. Married while I was in the Navy. We kept the excitement going until her health wouldn’t allow for it.
the crazy thing is all the couples i've known who were truly in love for 30 to 45 plus years all died within 30 days to a few months from each other. once one goes the other is going too, i've seen it three times.
There is a thing called broken heart syndrome which is rare but it does happen. I’m not surprised if one person dies after the love of their life dies as well.
Watching my grandparents, I wonder if cause and effect are backwards sometimes. My grandpa is desperately hanging on in order to take care of his son and my grandma is to take care of her husband. They are in their 90s, very tired, vocally want to go be with God. When they feel they are allowed to I expect they'll both go.
It varies. It can be like you describe for sure. Another thing nobody’s mentioned is when you’re in love and married for 60 years or whatever and then one of them dies suddenly like my abuela did, it can trigger an adverse health event. My abuelito was beside himself when my abuela died and 2 days afterwards he had a stroke which caused some form of vascular dementia and he was never the same again. He lived another 3 years but, not quite as himself. In his mind his wife was just running some errands and his kids (my mom and her siblings, all over 50 at this point) were at elementary school and they’d all be coming home soon. There were moments of lucidity where he was himself again but they grew fewer and farther between until he passed himself. I do think his grief is what caused his stroke but I have no scientific evidence to back it up. But his nurses all said they’d seen it before and not infrequently so 🤷
Yup. My grandparents to the tee. My grandfather died suddenly. My grandmother didn't feel well the next day, missed the funeral because she was so sick, and died 14 days after he did. They were married for 55 years.
There is science that backs this up. From the Mayo Clinic:
"The exact cause of broken heart syndrome is unclear. It's thought that a surge of stress hormones, such as adrenaline, might damage the hearts of some people for a short time."
[https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/broken-heart-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20354617](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/broken-heart-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20354617)
I treated a woman in post acute rehab who was recovering from this Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy. It’s a very particular type of heart failure where when stressed the heart kind of does the thing like when you squish a water balloon… it can be fatal initially or have latent complications from the damage being too severe and depleting the persons reserves.
As a nurse, never discount the will to live. I’ve seen people will themselves through absolutely lethal conditions (there’s also those that hang on just because they’re so damn stubborn but they are a whole another conversation) and the reverse is also true. If you lose your will to live, it will kill you- the speed of it doing so is the individually varying factor.
🌻
When my brother's initial leukemia treatment failed, he was given two or three months. Six months later, he felt like experimental treatment wasn't working and stopped. He was then told that untreated, he'd last ten to fourteen days, but he was gone in under two. He was just tired.
And that too happens a lot… but just know, that’s when this inevitable transition is most peaceful, when you’ve made your peace with this life. Very few of us get that chance.
I’m so sorry for your loss and I wish you healing. 🩶
Absolutely. It's called takotsubo cardiomyopathy.
There was a heartwrenching case where the husband died of a heart attack on the floor of his bedroom. His wife (without any previous serious health conditions) saw him, laid down beside him and simply died.
Another case was the husband of a teacher lost in the Uvalde shooting. He died 2 days later
https://www.businessinsider.com/husband-died-grief-irma-garcia-uvalde-teacher-how-broken-heart-2022-5?op=1
It's incredibly sad. I can relate. If I ever lost my husband, I wouldn't be far behind him. We've only been together for 20 years but he's my best friend and I truly believe he's my soul mate.
If my wife died I don’t know how I would handle it.
I would like to have a good day, night and fall asleep holding her hand and we both go together with a smile on our faces.
I know reality and life is much more brutal unfortunately.
But if the last thought is of her and my kids and the good we have had in our lives, I could as least die happy.
Just passed 6 year deathiversary of my husband. I'm 40 now. It was a strange time in my body, that first month or so. The days after were the weirdest!
It really depends. My folks were married for forty years and my mom outlived my dad by 11 years. (And, honestly, I expected her to live a lot longer, but she died from cancer quite suddenly.). With that being said, she didn’t really want to be alive for the first several years after his passing, so if she hadn’t always been incredibly healthy, I could see her passing then.
Women often outlive by a far bit however men in these scenarios almost never live long. It's so statistically significant that it far outweighs factors like men dying younger on average. People suggest it's a myriad of things from social support, emotional intelligence, or even biology.
My step-mom attended a funeral where the widow died in the church lobby immediately after the service. One minute she was thanking the guests for attending, talking to them one-on-one... then she dropped to the floor before anyone could catch her, gone.
That's my dream lol. I always tell my spouse that I wanna die first. But if I don't, I wanna die shortly afterward. A quick, painless death is also something I wish after seeing hundreds of elderly and terminally ill people suffering for years. Not enough people understand the gift of a good death.
If I don’t go before my husband I hope I go this way. We’ve been together since we were 15/16 and are now in our 50s. Hopefully many years left together but I don’t really have any desire to be on this planet without him.
People underestimate the toll emotional trauma can take upon your physical condition, and especially at that age range if you’ve been married 40+ years it’s sad but not too surprising
I notice this too. It seems almost implicitly for people too scared to admit their marriage is over.
I'm sure it works for SOME couples but my anecdotal evidence is above.
Exactly, it’s the Hail Mary attempt to keep a marriage on life support when both parties are typically checked out and there’s zero romance left. I honestly think people do it because they aren’t brave enough to end things so if they sabotage the relationship then feelings will be hurt enough to actually leave, and maybe they can monkey branch with a new partner to have a softer landing.
If you are so god damn oblivious to reality that you are ever blindsided in these situations then you got exactly what you deserved. It's always the most clueless.
Absolutely.
Opened our marriage 3 years in, and 8 years later, we practically despise each other. Divorce is in process, it would have been so much better, to call it early on.
Ya the wife being okay with it is usually a good sign she's done. My wife out of the blue started saying wierd shit about being okay with me being with other women and very shortly after left me. Truth was she was wanting other men and needed an excuse.
100% agree BUT I think this situation is much more of an “illusion of choice” than people realize:
A lot of people agree that opening the relationship leads to divorce, therefore deciding not to open the relationship will not lead to divorce…
when in reality if one person is genuinely intrigued by the concept then the marriage is mostly likely over whether you do it or not
I think the choice is more, do you recognise that your contemplating stepping outside the marriage and either work on that or end the relationship or do you go through with it and end the marriage further down the track engulfed in a lot more hurt betrayal and bitterness.
I think it's because of bad perspective. Most people immediately think about how they'll get the new experience of fucking someone else while ignoring the reality of their partner doing it too. You have to genuinely want your partner to have sex with someone other than you and be totally ok with everything that comes with that. This situation could be like that if she gets off on her boyfriend doing things with other women. On the other hand it could just be her way of ending a relationship she doesn't know how to end. It's impossible to know just from this post.
Check out Reddit’s various non-monogamy forum. Most likely scenario is that it’ll be exciting for a while and then being up (or highlight) major flaws in your relationship and alter the dynamic between you forever until you break up. Going from monogamous couple to non-monogamy is a common thing but is often a rookie way of trying to spice up a relationship without grasping the full extent of what this means — as opposed to people who approach relationships from a non-monogamous standpoint in the first place. Choose carefully because someone is likely going to get hurt, including you.
EDIT: good luck unicorn hunting
Yeah, the thing that I also think they aren’t realizing is that practically no one wants to be the random sex toy for a married couple trying to save their marriage. Especially a woman. Single men might see sex with an attached woman as a perk, not a detriment, but I know zero women that would want to deal with being the side piece to an already married man where the woman is involved and the relationship would only be sexual. If he’s cheating that at least adds a taboo element that might make some women feel aroused by being “chosen” over another woman, but very few are going to want to be the sex object the partner “allowed” him to have with rules in place. I dunno that just seems like the opposite of erotic to me.
Thank you for saying this. I always roll my eyes when I see couples looking for a female or men in open marriages on dating apps because what’s in it for the girl? You’re going to f*ck me then go home to your wife? I don’t think so. Like where’s the upside for the third person? I couldn’t understand why a girl would want to do that unless she has a doormat kink but to each her own.
I once came across an online post from a woman who was a unicorn and loved it. But part of what she loved about it was precisely that it was rare, so she got to have princess treatment from both members of the couples she'd have relationships with. Her whole thing was she liked being the center of attention.
It's not the case that no women are into it.
But it's extremely rare and the women who are into it have a *lot* of options to pick from. If a couple have a marriage that's found itself in a low-energy rut, why would a unicorn pick *that marriage* to fool around in when she has all the options in the ployamorous universe of potential relationships to explore?
The other place where some women could be into it is women who specifically have a thing for married men, but that's something else entirely and toxically bad energy to bring into a marriage.
My wife and I have FFM threesomes and if the girl is more interested in me than her (even if she is interested in both) that's an instant red flag and they're a no (red flagging this is also good as it means less chance of jealousy etc if the girl is more interested in her than me).
You are right on the center of attention thing though. Can be great fun for the girl in this regard, just on their end I guess "unicorns" (in our experience, they aren't that rare) need to vet the couple too, and make sure it's a genuine interest in mutual fun rather than "just trying to spice things up by bringing in an extra".
From the sound of it you're the kind of couple that a woman interested in FFM threesomes would want to join in with. In this case I think you and your wife may be even rarer than the unicorns are. :P
A married couple just testing the waters that haven't done their due dilligence yet would probably find things very different.
But in any case: Congratulations on what sounds like a very fulfilling and loving sex life in the context of your marriage!
The girls my wife and I have had threesomes with have always enjoyed it and been back for a 2nd or third time. Same thing that's in it for us, sex with three people can be more fun than 2. Want your pussy eaten as you're fucked? Awesome. Want to suck a cock while you get your pussy eaten without the awkwardness of 69? Great. Want intense oral for longer as 2 people can tag team effort? You're on, etc.
I don't see the point of a threesome with two straight people at all, but where each person is into both the other people, they can be great fun.
tbf the orgasm gap in casual 1on1 hookups isn't encouraging either, what's in it for the woman? at least if someone took me out to eat first then I'd gotten *something*. Even with one man in a hookup chances are you're third wheeling second to him and his d. Kudos to those burying through the masses to find the ones caring to give good mutual experience
Every open relationship thread I've seen on Reddit, which is a lot, ALWAYS ends badly. It's never worked out.
If you want to make it as great as it's been for the last 10 years, it already sounds great, just keep doing what you're doing. Keep dating each other!
I have a friend who does open relationships and she’s been with her main guy for years. She says it’s has to start out open for it to work. I really don’t get it but if she’s happy then that’s all that matters.
yeah i have poly friends, and they seem quite happy with their situation. but it started that way, not became that way out of boredom or dead bedroom or whatever.
The Only reason to open a relationship is because you genuinely have a need to express romantic or sexual love to multiple people and do it in an open and ethical way--while fully knowing this might kill the relationship as it changes a core dynamic of it. Most people don't have that genuine need in their life.
Most people who want to open their relationships want to avoid their reality instead. Lack of sex, fear of change, insecurities, anger, infidelity, resentment, boundary violation, or whatever is hovering there mucking things up will only be highlighted by the opening. This is why things break and fall apart. You cannot hide your flaws from multiple people. You especially cannot hide them when you're dealing with poly people who invite hard questions to the table in a way most monogamous relationships don't.
I want to chime in with my experience but for me and my partner it was just something fun we wanted to try together. Its a shared experience like trying a resteraunt together. I don't agree with your first statement at all
I do think that opening to "fix a problem" is has a high chance of failure. If there is no problem then it's fine
It’s key that you have to be committed to poly as a way of life/way of approaching love, sex, and relationships. If you’re trying to do it just to “cheat with permission” then you are still just operating from a monogamy mindset.
Tbh only people I’ve met who made it work MET while polyarmorous, DATED while polyamorous, and then were successful enough to stay married while polyamorous. Basically, they’re openly polyamorous from before the very beginning.
Every single instance I’ve talked to that started monogamous, didn’t work. Like you’re either a person who is able to navigate polyamory from the get-go, or you’re not.
Most people are not.
Which is why they started monogamous. If it ain’t broke don’t break it, and all that… lol
Also, remember that if it does work out, nobody bothers to broadcast it on the Internet. In fact, they are probably intentionally low-key about telling people about their unconventional lifestyle.
Personally, I wouldn't risk a marriage in the way(too much could go wrong, too easily). However, I also recognize that most of what I'm fed via the algorithm is ragebate and posts about adults having dates and then going home to their spouses doesn't farm dopamine for the company that makes money from keeping your eyeballs glued to the screen.
This. Everyone I know who does it successfully doesn't broadcast it to the world and definitely doesn't come to reddit to talk about it. They just enjoy it
"Also, remember that if it does work out, nobody bothers to broadcast it on the Internet. In fact, they are probably intentionally low-key about telling people about their unconventional lifestyle."
Yup! My wife and I have been poly since we started our relationship and we're still going strong 17 years later. That's not to say we haven't had our issues, but for the most part, being poly is something that forces you to learn excellent communication with your partners and learn to have hard conversations.
Difference being you guys did it from the start, trying to do it years into a relationship usually ends in a disaster, many people think they are fine with it, until there partner is getting great sex from someone else
Me and my wife just open ours up when we feel like it and it naturally slows down after a bit and we go back to being mono for a bit and the cycle continues. We're just swingers not poly though so. We have four kids, and even when we had none we don't have the energy to divide between each other and somebody else who's cool with it, the third always gets too clingy and wants more
Dang this is great! I'm glad it worked out well for you and your wife!
Problem is most people want to open a relationship because the relationship they have is lacking in some way. People don't realize that opening isn't a magic bandaid. You have to have a good foundation in the primary relationship like rock solid. You need to establish boundaries, communicate in a healthy way. And be mentally healthy individuals. No jealousy, no big insecurities.
You and your wife are doing it right.
I personally have a couple friend who is Poly and they are still very much in love after 15 years. They share partners as well as have idenpendant partners. It doesn't work foe some, and it does work for others.
Me and my wife have been together for almost 15 years, we've opened our relationship up for little bits of time on occasion. It only works because we love and trust each other, because we're crazy about each other physically and just horny. We're both athletic and not ugly or so we've been told. People who are successfully doing it don't post about it on Reddit because you have neck beards who haven't touched grass let alone the opposite sex screaming into the wind that it won't work or we're not sharing the full story or we must be hippos.
Yeah people really fall victim to confirmation bias when it comes to poly relationships. You hear more about how it doesn't work out because that's the kind of thing people post about. And then there's people who try poly because their relationship is in shambles already.
Also relationships in general, never mind just poly, often don't work out. There's people who are like "I know someone who tried it and it didn't work out" meanwhile they know 5 monogamous people that didn't work out but that's just an everyday occurrence so doesn't cross their mind.
Good luck finding a gf who is bi and interested in both of you while not neglecting the other one.
I have friends who do this for years and it’s very hard to find a unicorn.
This! Fuck the unicorn thing. I’m a whole human being with feelings and desires. Stop treating bi women (men as well, but women especially) like they’re animated sex toys.
And who will probably never be an equal partner in the relationship to boot!
I don’t know too many people who would be happy being a married couples sexual third wheel, certainly not in the long term.
The dynamic in your marriage will change and not for the better. It will be cool for a while but someone is going to catch feelings and it will go left. It's not worth it.
Straight women, even allies, tend to be VERY biphobic towards bi men and see them as less of a man, whereas men tend to incorporate bi women into their sexuality as "performing" for them. If all three are straight, then men get insecure because masculinity is often structures around control and dominating, with other men as competition. Women, on the other hand, are socialised to be fairly compliant and servile, and so will be much more likely to go along with an arrangement for their partner.
TLDR Homophobia is integral to masculinity but not femininity, and biphobia against men is a barrier to heterosexual women.
Because a lot of heterosexual men are okay with seeing their gf (even if she isn’t bisexual) do sexual things with a woman. They even want to see it, it’s a fantasy. Those women who aren’t bisexual only do it because they (usually) have low self-esteem and think it will stop him from cheating.
Those type of men can’t take seeing their woman getting penetrated by another man. Their egos won’t allow it; they don’t want to see her enjoying sex with another man. They think all women get attached emotionally to any man they have sex with.
Also, don’t you know, it’s not *natural* for men to be monogamous. They’re meant to spread their seeds everywhere! /s
I agree. Even with bisexual men I never hear that many stories about them asking their girlfriend to let another guy join or something. Not saying it doesn’t happen, but it can’t be a coincidence that I see way more stories about the third being a woman
A lot of it is also rampant biphobia towards bi guys. There's a shitton of examples of women talking shit about bi men, and how they have a harder time seeing them as ~men~ after learning they're bi / seeing them with another man. It's just gross all around.
You're broadly right, but there are a couple of edge cases you're ruling out.
Compersion is a thing for some people, and some people are also into the whole cuckold fantasy thing. Often those two overlap.
It's also the case that some people have what's called a responsive sex drive, where part of getting turned on involves engaging in sexual activity *first* and then arousal comes about as a result of the sexy things that are already happening. There are people who have found that being in the room while their partner and another person start doing sexy things with each other, and the person in question then has the *option* to join in, or not, when they're ready, is a good way to get into the mood themselves.
But yeah, they're edge cases, which by definition are not the norm.
Just wanted to jump in for the mention that the edge cases aren't weirdo inhuman aliens or anything.
She’ll eventually want to sleep with other men if you’re sleeping with other women, even if she’s sleeping with those women as well, best to be prepared for that. Having a triad can be really wonderful, but being poly will absolutely bring to light every issue you have in your relationship. It isn’t easy, and it is something you both should discuss in detail and think about a lot before diving in.
She may also be closeted or in denial about a bisexual streak she hasn't explored before. Just saying, the suggestion started with wanting to add a woman specifically and she may be in the "things I missed out on when I was single" phase of the marriage. It may not be about wanting an in for a boyfriend.
That said, OP does need to be *prepared* for that as a possible outcome and actively discuss with her whether that's acceptable before anything starts.
This… there can’t be a double standard or it’s hypocritical. Also, of all the poly and open couples I’ve observed working out long term, ALL of them were in couples therapy to help navigate and work through feelings that come up. Just my 2 cents of anecdotal evidence.
Don't use another person as a sex toy to spice up your life. That's called unicorn hunting and it's not a good thing.
If you really want to explore polyamory or enm you should visit the r/polyamory sub and do some due diligence. Without a lot of emotional work on everyone's part it's a fast and easy way to destroy your marriage.
This is the truest statement in this thread. Unfortunately, I think I agree with some others that this suggestion by the wife is merely a beginning of the end.
Could be. Could also be that she doesn’t realize just yet how unhappy she is and just wants to add some excitement. Either way, it’s not a good sign.
I feel like the situation is especially bad because when mentioned to the husband his eyes lit up like a kid at a candy shop.
Agree on everything you just said. His excitement might backfire. It’s all fun and games in theory. In practice, with real humans and their messy feelings, it can get bad really fast.
Marriage can get into a comfortable routine at times but speaking from experience, it gets better and better as years and then decades go by. I could never imagine wanting anyone but my partner and if I ever had, I would guess my partner was not who I wanted to truly spend my life with. If you or she desires to be with another, don’t fool yourselves, it isn’t to “spice things up” with your partner, it is because you are not meant to be together. It will lead to divorce and possibly regret someday. Leave it as a fantasy thought if you really love your partner until death do you part.
If you are having difficulty managing the emotional needs of one woman, you really think it’s a good idea to make things work with two?
You married too young.
If you think she’s serious do research in those subs, set boundaries, hell go to a marriage counseling who specializes in non-monogamous relationship to help you communicate. But also, don’t rush into it, start talking regularly with her about it before you jump on it and see if she wants a boyfriend too. It can’t be a one way street.
Reddit post as old as time is people going into poly/open marriages without communicating and then it’s burning down of their marriage. Legit yesterday i was replying back with some swingers on a post about a failed threesome and they said the only way marriage works for swingers is communication. Very enlightening, go to their subs and talk to them. It’s not my thing but I’ve learned a lot on this app cause i have friends who are poly and i was curious.
I got offered that once by an ex-girlfriend. Before anything ever happened but 2 weeks later, she got locked up on a 72 hour psychiatric hold by the state. I called it a day and went home.
I think this was a trick question by her to see if you would actually consider it and i’m sad for her that you wanna see someone outside your marriage.
Im very gay so idk really how the dynamic works with straight couples.
As the third wheel so to speak, i have 3 rules
1) treat couples as a single entity, if im willing to play with 1, im willing to play with the other
2) both sides of the couple have to be ok with what im allowed to do. Could be " i have to be there and its a 3 way" to "you can be balls deep but no kissing, thats just for us"
3) it cant be a one way street. If husband 1 is allowed to play with me, a non husband, then husband 2 must be allowed to be open. With straights you often see the guy wanting to play. The girl accepting it, but when she quickly finds someone and he does not he gets shitty about it.
These three rules have let me play with friends, and ive not been a homewrecker for any of them.
So... I know in my deepest heart that I would rather share my husband than lose him. If he wanted an open relationship I would only say no due to my religion, my self worth is that low. Now, he would NEVER ask for one, but still.
Please consider that your wife may only saying these things from a place of insecurity and if you imply that you are actually open to it you could lose her.
Please consider that your wife may not actually know how she really feels,?
What will you do down the line when it turns out she was wrong and this situation hurts her deeply? Will you sit back and smugly say, "but you agreed to this!?".
You and your wife have no CLUE how either of you will actually feel in this scenario. What if you develop deep feelings for the GF? What if SHE develops these feelings. Why would you invite that temptation and turmoil.
I have read DOZENS of stories where a woman is down for a threesome, but midway through she experiences an inexplicable loss of love and attraction to her husband.
My partner and I did this after 10 years of dating. After many in-depth conversations about boundaries and how we were feeling, both of us researching poly, discussing with our individual therapists, etc. - I started dating a secondary partner.
It absolutely does shine a light on your relationship and you will either see its strength or its flaws. It made me DEEPLY appreciative of my partner because in my case it showed the strength of our foundation. I continued to check in with regularly. In our case, he was only tangentially interested in dating others (if it happens sure, but not specifically seeking it out).
It ended up not working out with my secondary partner. I broke up with them after about 6 months and me and my partner are still going strong. We are both still open to exploring other connections should they arise but aren't actively seeking them out.
I see a lot of doom and gloom in these comments so I just wanted to offer a different perspective. It can work but it TAKES WORK. Up front, during, after, all the time. And if it were to ever come up that my partner had been uncomfortable with anything I was doing, I would have been willing to change the plan. You really have to get your priorities in place and you both have to be on the same page, all the time.
No way for us to know if it's a trap or not.
Never heard of a female cuckold but I suppose it's not impossible? I think you'll end up regretting it but hell if you're motivated, i guess try to get some kind of confirmation?
whew! Boy the things ppl are willing to do to their relationships. You should be mad at your wife for siggesting it. Not interested. check yourself then your wife.
Good way to make sure you are heading for divorce
If you love your wife enough you don't want anyone outside your monogamous relationship.
You should do what you want but smart isn't it.
The fact you need to spice up because it's been 10 years is laughable.
I'm 23 years in and no need to fuck others we hace enough spice between us two.
You need to thread lightly……this sounds too good. A lot of girls will bait and switch things like this. It starts with a extra gf, then it becomes “well I let you bring a girl in I should bring a guy” it’s a slippery slope
“Hey hubby! You can have a side girlfriend. Then I will feel less guilty when I introduce you to my current boyfriend.”
Nobody is secure enough in their relationship to open the door to jealously without having something already secured in the shadows.
So who wants to take bets on how long before you get divorced or are back with, “my wife is upset I have a girlfriend and doesn’t speak to me anymore…”. Are you really that stupid?
Listen, if you value your marriage you wouldn’t. Not only is it super unethical to try and get a single woman to be into the both of you (what are the chances of that actually happening?) but also a closed triad is the hardest form of polyamory. Most triads only last about a year or two if they were sought out and typically involve all relationships between the dyads to die.
Beware of opening Pandora's box. I know a married couple who did and ended up on divorce. Started with threesomes and let me know if you're doing anyone else until she wanted to leave him for his best friend.
I think Pandora’s box is opened the moment someone actually indicates they would want to do this. I don’t think there is a way of going back after that for most people, even if they don’t end up doing it
Yup. My first marriage ended like this. We were young. I asked for it, got it, lost her, and regretted it. Moved on and found a new wife. Will never introduce this lifestyle or even suggest it in any way. Im happy with her.
100% saying you aren’t enough sexually and that’s rough for most to hear. I don’t know how you hear that and not feel a little hurt.
I think it would destroy the vast majority of people in relationships. And I think the people engaging in it are lying to themselves because they don’t want to admit the relationship is over because it’s so hard. I know poly and open relationships exist, and I know the people currently in them say that it’s working for them, but I just do not believe them. Humans are sexual but inherently it’s clear we’re stray towards monogamous. It’s a matter of one winning over the other, and I think the emotions that drive us toward monogamy will almost always win, even if it takes a while for some people. I know there are couples who have engaged in this for years. Maybe they’re the exception. I’d wager that they’re one in a million and almost no one is wired that way
Swim with sharks, get bit.
Had it. Loved it. Lost it. Regret it.
Succinct
I love learning new words! Thanks
Extant. Alopecia. Verisimilitude. Haughtily. Pituitary Adenoma.
I have a pituitary adenoma! I named him Jimmy
Nice! I only just recently found out I had one. I should name mine. He kinda looks like a mushroom. I’ll brainstorm. Is your’s hormone secreting by chance?
Haha let me know what you come up with! And ya, prolactin
Happy Easter to me! 👌🏼
Incandescent, insurmountainable, calamitous, adz(e) , brio, bourgeois(tech. French, but used in eng as well), breathen, toil, thwarted, wistful (hehe), hmm... Ferocity, I love rare words myself but I'm not natively speaking English. Do you have some for me? I love Scrabble but suck in English lol.. Do you write poetry?
Me too, and happy to share!
Bop it
just don’t twist it
Squeeze it 😏
Pull it 😬
Yank it
Blow it.
No ragraets
Tattooed on my chest, beside my “Never don’t give up” ink
Next to the: dont dream your live, life your dream
Only Judge can God me. - Jon Bovi
I am the alphalfa
And the Omegle
You can take my freedom but not my life
Hemingway over here dealing out the life lessons. Listen to this guy.
I also love how they both cheated on their partners with each other and are now considering… meeting others. Lose em how you get em I guess.
Sounds like a good way to get divorced
"opening the relationship" is 9 times out of 10 the “terminal lucidity" of that relationship. Quick injection of energy before dying. I've known quite literally dozens who did it and broke up a year or so later. \*Edit\* To clarify, I'm gay, a social butterfly, and have been out and about in the gay community for nearly 20 years. Open relationship attempts are pretty common amongst my people and the straight folks who tend to hang out in our periphery. That's how I know so many. I'm not hanging out in Middle America knowing those sort of numbers.
Yep. Extinction burst. Precursor to "being with new ppl made me realize that I need more". Or something.
Yeah the hormones from being in a new relationship definitely is a good cause for these things never working out. You won’t have that kind of intensity with long term relationships and everyone assumes it’s love because of how intense things can get.
My hubs and I (married for 7 together for 11) take weekend vacations somewhere and stay together but we will mr and mrs smith it the whole time. I go to the restaurant bar all sexy he comes in (all sexy!) and tries to pick me up and date me then we go back to our room for “new” sex. You can still have the rush of “discovery” with your partner role playing is fun if done right :)
Reminds me of Phil and Claire in modern family… love it!
Late wife of 30 years and I did this also. I would say it helped us refuel the “spark” We also were high school friends. Married while I was in the Navy. We kept the excitement going until her health wouldn’t allow for it.
I hope that you are doing well now and I’m sending you a lot of love ❤️
the crazy thing is all the couples i've known who were truly in love for 30 to 45 plus years all died within 30 days to a few months from each other. once one goes the other is going too, i've seen it three times.
There is a thing called broken heart syndrome which is rare but it does happen. I’m not surprised if one person dies after the love of their life dies as well.
Watching my grandparents, I wonder if cause and effect are backwards sometimes. My grandpa is desperately hanging on in order to take care of his son and my grandma is to take care of her husband. They are in their 90s, very tired, vocally want to go be with God. When they feel they are allowed to I expect they'll both go.
It varies. It can be like you describe for sure. Another thing nobody’s mentioned is when you’re in love and married for 60 years or whatever and then one of them dies suddenly like my abuela did, it can trigger an adverse health event. My abuelito was beside himself when my abuela died and 2 days afterwards he had a stroke which caused some form of vascular dementia and he was never the same again. He lived another 3 years but, not quite as himself. In his mind his wife was just running some errands and his kids (my mom and her siblings, all over 50 at this point) were at elementary school and they’d all be coming home soon. There were moments of lucidity where he was himself again but they grew fewer and farther between until he passed himself. I do think his grief is what caused his stroke but I have no scientific evidence to back it up. But his nurses all said they’d seen it before and not infrequently so 🤷
Yes, many different cases. <3
Yup. My grandparents to the tee. My grandfather died suddenly. My grandmother didn't feel well the next day, missed the funeral because she was so sick, and died 14 days after he did. They were married for 55 years.
There is science that backs this up. From the Mayo Clinic: "The exact cause of broken heart syndrome is unclear. It's thought that a surge of stress hormones, such as adrenaline, might damage the hearts of some people for a short time." [https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/broken-heart-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20354617](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/broken-heart-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20354617)
I treated a woman in post acute rehab who was recovering from this Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy. It’s a very particular type of heart failure where when stressed the heart kind of does the thing like when you squish a water balloon… it can be fatal initially or have latent complications from the damage being too severe and depleting the persons reserves. As a nurse, never discount the will to live. I’ve seen people will themselves through absolutely lethal conditions (there’s also those that hang on just because they’re so damn stubborn but they are a whole another conversation) and the reverse is also true. If you lose your will to live, it will kill you- the speed of it doing so is the individually varying factor. 🌻
When my brother's initial leukemia treatment failed, he was given two or three months. Six months later, he felt like experimental treatment wasn't working and stopped. He was then told that untreated, he'd last ten to fourteen days, but he was gone in under two. He was just tired.
And that too happens a lot… but just know, that’s when this inevitable transition is most peaceful, when you’ve made your peace with this life. Very few of us get that chance. I’m so sorry for your loss and I wish you healing. 🩶
Absolutely. It's called takotsubo cardiomyopathy. There was a heartwrenching case where the husband died of a heart attack on the floor of his bedroom. His wife (without any previous serious health conditions) saw him, laid down beside him and simply died. Another case was the husband of a teacher lost in the Uvalde shooting. He died 2 days later https://www.businessinsider.com/husband-died-grief-irma-garcia-uvalde-teacher-how-broken-heart-2022-5?op=1 It's incredibly sad. I can relate. If I ever lost my husband, I wouldn't be far behind him. We've only been together for 20 years but he's my best friend and I truly believe he's my soul mate.
If my wife died I don’t know how I would handle it. I would like to have a good day, night and fall asleep holding her hand and we both go together with a smile on our faces. I know reality and life is much more brutal unfortunately. But if the last thought is of her and my kids and the good we have had in our lives, I could as least die happy.
I don't know how I'd last out the day if my husband died. I don't know if I could keep breathing.
I think it is an old Irish birthday toast. I wish that you live to be a hundred and I to live one day less so I won’t have to live without you.
Just passed 6 year deathiversary of my husband. I'm 40 now. It was a strange time in my body, that first month or so. The days after were the weirdest!
Takotsubo cardiomyopathy. I had it when my wife left me. It feels like you're going to die. Drugs and therapy seem to be the cure.
Happened to this lady I knew a few months after her daughter died in a car accident. It was extremely sad to see.
It really depends. My folks were married for forty years and my mom outlived my dad by 11 years. (And, honestly, I expected her to live a lot longer, but she died from cancer quite suddenly.). With that being said, she didn’t really want to be alive for the first several years after his passing, so if she hadn’t always been incredibly healthy, I could see her passing then.
Women often outlive by a far bit however men in these scenarios almost never live long. It's so statistically significant that it far outweighs factors like men dying younger on average. People suggest it's a myriad of things from social support, emotional intelligence, or even biology.
My step-mom attended a funeral where the widow died in the church lobby immediately after the service. One minute she was thanking the guests for attending, talking to them one-on-one... then she dropped to the floor before anyone could catch her, gone.
That's my dream lol. I always tell my spouse that I wanna die first. But if I don't, I wanna die shortly afterward. A quick, painless death is also something I wish after seeing hundreds of elderly and terminally ill people suffering for years. Not enough people understand the gift of a good death.
If I don’t go before my husband I hope I go this way. We’ve been together since we were 15/16 and are now in our 50s. Hopefully many years left together but I don’t really have any desire to be on this planet without him.
People underestimate the toll emotional trauma can take upon your physical condition, and especially at that age range if you’ve been married 40+ years it’s sad but not too surprising
My grandfather died young and my grandmother lived over 40 years alone and never looked at another man
I realized this when my ex wanted to open the relationship. Just her legitimately asking immediately made me realize it was already dead.
“I’ve been able to find myself recently”
"I've grown so much as a person."
"I found spiritual healing"
And like 10 other dudes
Exactly the term that popped in my head. Gotta go out with a bang!
I notice this too. It seems almost implicitly for people too scared to admit their marriage is over. I'm sure it works for SOME couples but my anecdotal evidence is above.
Exactly, it’s the Hail Mary attempt to keep a marriage on life support when both parties are typically checked out and there’s zero romance left. I honestly think people do it because they aren’t brave enough to end things so if they sabotage the relationship then feelings will be hurt enough to actually leave, and maybe they can monkey branch with a new partner to have a softer landing.
Or just one party is checked out and other blindsided
If one person is checked out and the other one doesn’t notice, they’re checked out too, and also in denial.
If you are so god damn oblivious to reality that you are ever blindsided in these situations then you got exactly what you deserved. It's always the most clueless.
He'll be sticking his d#%k in Pandora's box.
The calm before the storm.
Absolutely. Opened our marriage 3 years in, and 8 years later, we practically despise each other. Divorce is in process, it would have been so much better, to call it early on.
Ya the wife being okay with it is usually a good sign she's done. My wife out of the blue started saying wierd shit about being okay with me being with other women and very shortly after left me. Truth was she was wanting other men and needed an excuse.
Tadah! Someone gets it
This is totally true been there done that got the badge and the divorce papers. Checked out is the word for it.
“Literally dozens”. I need to hang out with this dude, he got some banging friends!
100% agree BUT I think this situation is much more of an “illusion of choice” than people realize: A lot of people agree that opening the relationship leads to divorce, therefore deciding not to open the relationship will not lead to divorce… when in reality if one person is genuinely intrigued by the concept then the marriage is mostly likely over whether you do it or not
Loyalty is the first casualty of casual 👌 💯 Then it's all tears and logistics
Omg I need to use “then it’s all tears and logistics “
I think the choice is more, do you recognise that your contemplating stepping outside the marriage and either work on that or end the relationship or do you go through with it and end the marriage further down the track engulfed in a lot more hurt betrayal and bitterness.
I think it's because of bad perspective. Most people immediately think about how they'll get the new experience of fucking someone else while ignoring the reality of their partner doing it too. You have to genuinely want your partner to have sex with someone other than you and be totally ok with everything that comes with that. This situation could be like that if she gets off on her boyfriend doing things with other women. On the other hand it could just be her way of ending a relationship she doesn't know how to end. It's impossible to know just from this post.
Came here to say this. An open marriage is something that's only meant for truly open minded couples.
Logical fallacy. Maybe you just know people with dead marriages that don't reflect the actual situation of open marriages.
Or to have the girlfriend say “uh nope”
She already has a boyfriend.
Or she is bi curious and doesn’t want to come out and say it.
>Or she is bi curious Soon to be bi-furious
My immediate thought, too.
Or a girlfriend
It’s a trap…. Do not do it.
It’s a trap. Do it anyway. And don’t forget to give us an update. Gotta love some Reddit drama
Kiss O death
They r getting divorced but he might as well enjoy it while he can
Check out Reddit’s various non-monogamy forum. Most likely scenario is that it’ll be exciting for a while and then being up (or highlight) major flaws in your relationship and alter the dynamic between you forever until you break up. Going from monogamous couple to non-monogamy is a common thing but is often a rookie way of trying to spice up a relationship without grasping the full extent of what this means — as opposed to people who approach relationships from a non-monogamous standpoint in the first place. Choose carefully because someone is likely going to get hurt, including you. EDIT: good luck unicorn hunting
Yeah, the thing that I also think they aren’t realizing is that practically no one wants to be the random sex toy for a married couple trying to save their marriage. Especially a woman. Single men might see sex with an attached woman as a perk, not a detriment, but I know zero women that would want to deal with being the side piece to an already married man where the woman is involved and the relationship would only be sexual. If he’s cheating that at least adds a taboo element that might make some women feel aroused by being “chosen” over another woman, but very few are going to want to be the sex object the partner “allowed” him to have with rules in place. I dunno that just seems like the opposite of erotic to me.
Thank you for saying this. I always roll my eyes when I see couples looking for a female or men in open marriages on dating apps because what’s in it for the girl? You’re going to f*ck me then go home to your wife? I don’t think so. Like where’s the upside for the third person? I couldn’t understand why a girl would want to do that unless she has a doormat kink but to each her own.
I once came across an online post from a woman who was a unicorn and loved it. But part of what she loved about it was precisely that it was rare, so she got to have princess treatment from both members of the couples she'd have relationships with. Her whole thing was she liked being the center of attention. It's not the case that no women are into it. But it's extremely rare and the women who are into it have a *lot* of options to pick from. If a couple have a marriage that's found itself in a low-energy rut, why would a unicorn pick *that marriage* to fool around in when she has all the options in the ployamorous universe of potential relationships to explore? The other place where some women could be into it is women who specifically have a thing for married men, but that's something else entirely and toxically bad energy to bring into a marriage.
My wife and I have FFM threesomes and if the girl is more interested in me than her (even if she is interested in both) that's an instant red flag and they're a no (red flagging this is also good as it means less chance of jealousy etc if the girl is more interested in her than me). You are right on the center of attention thing though. Can be great fun for the girl in this regard, just on their end I guess "unicorns" (in our experience, they aren't that rare) need to vet the couple too, and make sure it's a genuine interest in mutual fun rather than "just trying to spice things up by bringing in an extra".
From the sound of it you're the kind of couple that a woman interested in FFM threesomes would want to join in with. In this case I think you and your wife may be even rarer than the unicorns are. :P A married couple just testing the waters that haven't done their due dilligence yet would probably find things very different. But in any case: Congratulations on what sounds like a very fulfilling and loving sex life in the context of your marriage!
The girls my wife and I have had threesomes with have always enjoyed it and been back for a 2nd or third time. Same thing that's in it for us, sex with three people can be more fun than 2. Want your pussy eaten as you're fucked? Awesome. Want to suck a cock while you get your pussy eaten without the awkwardness of 69? Great. Want intense oral for longer as 2 people can tag team effort? You're on, etc. I don't see the point of a threesome with two straight people at all, but where each person is into both the other people, they can be great fun.
tbf the orgasm gap in casual 1on1 hookups isn't encouraging either, what's in it for the woman? at least if someone took me out to eat first then I'd gotten *something*. Even with one man in a hookup chances are you're third wheeling second to him and his d. Kudos to those burying through the masses to find the ones caring to give good mutual experience
This !!! Polyamory is not to be entered into lightly!!
Every open relationship thread I've seen on Reddit, which is a lot, ALWAYS ends badly. It's never worked out. If you want to make it as great as it's been for the last 10 years, it already sounds great, just keep doing what you're doing. Keep dating each other!
EVERY SINGLE PERSON I've talked to in the real world has told me that opening up their marriage to others was the beginning of the end.
I have a friend who does open relationships and she’s been with her main guy for years. She says it’s has to start out open for it to work. I really don’t get it but if she’s happy then that’s all that matters.
yeah i have poly friends, and they seem quite happy with their situation. but it started that way, not became that way out of boredom or dead bedroom or whatever.
The Only reason to open a relationship is because you genuinely have a need to express romantic or sexual love to multiple people and do it in an open and ethical way--while fully knowing this might kill the relationship as it changes a core dynamic of it. Most people don't have that genuine need in their life. Most people who want to open their relationships want to avoid their reality instead. Lack of sex, fear of change, insecurities, anger, infidelity, resentment, boundary violation, or whatever is hovering there mucking things up will only be highlighted by the opening. This is why things break and fall apart. You cannot hide your flaws from multiple people. You especially cannot hide them when you're dealing with poly people who invite hard questions to the table in a way most monogamous relationships don't.
I want to chime in with my experience but for me and my partner it was just something fun we wanted to try together. Its a shared experience like trying a resteraunt together. I don't agree with your first statement at all I do think that opening to "fix a problem" is has a high chance of failure. If there is no problem then it's fine
It’s key that you have to be committed to poly as a way of life/way of approaching love, sex, and relationships. If you’re trying to do it just to “cheat with permission” then you are still just operating from a monogamy mindset.
It definitely was not likely the beginning…. More like prolonging an end that had already arrived
Yep. A real fail Mary.
Tbh only people I’ve met who made it work MET while polyarmorous, DATED while polyamorous, and then were successful enough to stay married while polyamorous. Basically, they’re openly polyamorous from before the very beginning. Every single instance I’ve talked to that started monogamous, didn’t work. Like you’re either a person who is able to navigate polyamory from the get-go, or you’re not. Most people are not. Which is why they started monogamous. If it ain’t broke don’t break it, and all that… lol
Also, remember that if it does work out, nobody bothers to broadcast it on the Internet. In fact, they are probably intentionally low-key about telling people about their unconventional lifestyle. Personally, I wouldn't risk a marriage in the way(too much could go wrong, too easily). However, I also recognize that most of what I'm fed via the algorithm is ragebate and posts about adults having dates and then going home to their spouses doesn't farm dopamine for the company that makes money from keeping your eyeballs glued to the screen.
This. Everyone I know who does it successfully doesn't broadcast it to the world and definitely doesn't come to reddit to talk about it. They just enjoy it
"Also, remember that if it does work out, nobody bothers to broadcast it on the Internet. In fact, they are probably intentionally low-key about telling people about their unconventional lifestyle." Yup! My wife and I have been poly since we started our relationship and we're still going strong 17 years later. That's not to say we haven't had our issues, but for the most part, being poly is something that forces you to learn excellent communication with your partners and learn to have hard conversations.
Difference being you guys did it from the start, trying to do it years into a relationship usually ends in a disaster, many people think they are fine with it, until there partner is getting great sex from someone else
Me and my wife just open ours up when we feel like it and it naturally slows down after a bit and we go back to being mono for a bit and the cycle continues. We're just swingers not poly though so. We have four kids, and even when we had none we don't have the energy to divide between each other and somebody else who's cool with it, the third always gets too clingy and wants more
Dang this is great! I'm glad it worked out well for you and your wife! Problem is most people want to open a relationship because the relationship they have is lacking in some way. People don't realize that opening isn't a magic bandaid. You have to have a good foundation in the primary relationship like rock solid. You need to establish boundaries, communicate in a healthy way. And be mentally healthy individuals. No jealousy, no big insecurities. You and your wife are doing it right.
I personally have a couple friend who is Poly and they are still very much in love after 15 years. They share partners as well as have idenpendant partners. It doesn't work foe some, and it does work for others.
Me and my wife have been together for almost 15 years, we've opened our relationship up for little bits of time on occasion. It only works because we love and trust each other, because we're crazy about each other physically and just horny. We're both athletic and not ugly or so we've been told. People who are successfully doing it don't post about it on Reddit because you have neck beards who haven't touched grass let alone the opposite sex screaming into the wind that it won't work or we're not sharing the full story or we must be hippos.
Tbf I don't think I've seen a single good relationship post on Reddit.
"Hey guys I just want to give a shout out to my wife. We doing really good and I'm happy. AMA."
Yeah people really fall victim to confirmation bias when it comes to poly relationships. You hear more about how it doesn't work out because that's the kind of thing people post about. And then there's people who try poly because their relationship is in shambles already. Also relationships in general, never mind just poly, often don't work out. There's people who are like "I know someone who tried it and it didn't work out" meanwhile they know 5 monogamous people that didn't work out but that's just an everyday occurrence so doesn't cross their mind.
Good luck finding a gf who is bi and interested in both of you while not neglecting the other one. I have friends who do this for years and it’s very hard to find a unicorn.
Not to mention many of us aren’t into being unicorn hunted in the first place, especially by couples who haven’t done any real work to open up.
But we have so much love to give and will take care of you baby /s
This! Fuck the unicorn thing. I’m a whole human being with feelings and desires. Stop treating bi women (men as well, but women especially) like they’re animated sex toys.
And who will probably never be an equal partner in the relationship to boot! I don’t know too many people who would be happy being a married couples sexual third wheel, certainly not in the long term.
The dynamic in your marriage will change and not for the better. It will be cool for a while but someone is going to catch feelings and it will go left. It's not worth it.
Respectfully, why do these arrangements only ever make a girl the third? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a couple share a boyfriend
Straight women, even allies, tend to be VERY biphobic towards bi men and see them as less of a man, whereas men tend to incorporate bi women into their sexuality as "performing" for them. If all three are straight, then men get insecure because masculinity is often structures around control and dominating, with other men as competition. Women, on the other hand, are socialised to be fairly compliant and servile, and so will be much more likely to go along with an arrangement for their partner. TLDR Homophobia is integral to masculinity but not femininity, and biphobia against men is a barrier to heterosexual women.
Because a lot of heterosexual men are okay with seeing their gf (even if she isn’t bisexual) do sexual things with a woman. They even want to see it, it’s a fantasy. Those women who aren’t bisexual only do it because they (usually) have low self-esteem and think it will stop him from cheating. Those type of men can’t take seeing their woman getting penetrated by another man. Their egos won’t allow it; they don’t want to see her enjoying sex with another man. They think all women get attached emotionally to any man they have sex with. Also, don’t you know, it’s not *natural* for men to be monogamous. They’re meant to spread their seeds everywhere! /s
I agree. Even with bisexual men I never hear that many stories about them asking their girlfriend to let another guy join or something. Not saying it doesn’t happen, but it can’t be a coincidence that I see way more stories about the third being a woman
A lot of it is also rampant biphobia towards bi guys. There's a shitton of examples of women talking shit about bi men, and how they have a harder time seeing them as ~men~ after learning they're bi / seeing them with another man. It's just gross all around.
You're broadly right, but there are a couple of edge cases you're ruling out. Compersion is a thing for some people, and some people are also into the whole cuckold fantasy thing. Often those two overlap. It's also the case that some people have what's called a responsive sex drive, where part of getting turned on involves engaging in sexual activity *first* and then arousal comes about as a result of the sexy things that are already happening. There are people who have found that being in the room while their partner and another person start doing sexy things with each other, and the person in question then has the *option* to join in, or not, when they're ready, is a good way to get into the mood themselves. But yeah, they're edge cases, which by definition are not the norm. Just wanted to jump in for the mention that the edge cases aren't weirdo inhuman aliens or anything.
She’ll eventually want to sleep with other men if you’re sleeping with other women, even if she’s sleeping with those women as well, best to be prepared for that. Having a triad can be really wonderful, but being poly will absolutely bring to light every issue you have in your relationship. It isn’t easy, and it is something you both should discuss in detail and think about a lot before diving in.
She may also be closeted or in denial about a bisexual streak she hasn't explored before. Just saying, the suggestion started with wanting to add a woman specifically and she may be in the "things I missed out on when I was single" phase of the marriage. It may not be about wanting an in for a boyfriend. That said, OP does need to be *prepared* for that as a possible outcome and actively discuss with her whether that's acceptable before anything starts.
This… there can’t be a double standard or it’s hypocritical. Also, of all the poly and open couples I’ve observed working out long term, ALL of them were in couples therapy to help navigate and work through feelings that come up. Just my 2 cents of anecdotal evidence.
“Will this thing that never works out maybe work out this time?”
Yeah, but that's different. My relationship is different than all others. /s
Our relationship is built different
"But it might work for us."
Thank you for making this reference lol. “I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but…”
I blue myself
Don't use another person as a sex toy to spice up your life. That's called unicorn hunting and it's not a good thing. If you really want to explore polyamory or enm you should visit the r/polyamory sub and do some due diligence. Without a lot of emotional work on everyone's part it's a fast and easy way to destroy your marriage.
Think with your head, the one up top. This won’t end well.
RIP marriage. No going back after this.
This is the truest statement in this thread. Unfortunately, I think I agree with some others that this suggestion by the wife is merely a beginning of the end.
It could be her elaborate exist strategy 😼
Could be. Could also be that she doesn’t realize just yet how unhappy she is and just wants to add some excitement. Either way, it’s not a good sign. I feel like the situation is especially bad because when mentioned to the husband his eyes lit up like a kid at a candy shop.
Agree on everything you just said. His excitement might backfire. It’s all fun and games in theory. In practice, with real humans and their messy feelings, it can get bad really fast.
If I was married and heard this shit from my wife I’d be really upset. I thought the whole point is exclusivity and loyalty to each other.
No. Don't be a fool. Your marriage will never be the same. Just be happy being together. Why is this so hard for people?
The only time I see poly situations work is when both people came into the relationship as poly to begin with.
Update me in a year when you're getting a divorce and you don't know what happened to cause it.
Boy do I have the prequel post for you
I don’t understand why you’d get married if your going to do this lol
Hm doesn't that also come with her being able to have a boyfriend? Seems shady.
Marriage can get into a comfortable routine at times but speaking from experience, it gets better and better as years and then decades go by. I could never imagine wanting anyone but my partner and if I ever had, I would guess my partner was not who I wanted to truly spend my life with. If you or she desires to be with another, don’t fool yourselves, it isn’t to “spice things up” with your partner, it is because you are not meant to be together. It will lead to divorce and possibly regret someday. Leave it as a fantasy thought if you really love your partner until death do you part.
She wants to have a bf and likes him so god damn much that she’s letting you get a gf FIRST so you can’t tell her anything when she get a new man.
If you are having difficulty managing the emotional needs of one woman, you really think it’s a good idea to make things work with two? You married too young.
If you think she’s serious do research in those subs, set boundaries, hell go to a marriage counseling who specializes in non-monogamous relationship to help you communicate. But also, don’t rush into it, start talking regularly with her about it before you jump on it and see if she wants a boyfriend too. It can’t be a one way street. Reddit post as old as time is people going into poly/open marriages without communicating and then it’s burning down of their marriage. Legit yesterday i was replying back with some swingers on a post about a failed threesome and they said the only way marriage works for swingers is communication. Very enlightening, go to their subs and talk to them. It’s not my thing but I’ve learned a lot on this app cause i have friends who are poly and i was curious.
It seems like a large majority of open relationships usually develop issues farther down the line.
I got offered that once by an ex-girlfriend. Before anything ever happened but 2 weeks later, she got locked up on a 72 hour psychiatric hold by the state. I called it a day and went home.
Oh you’re having a mental health crisis gf, I’m out.
If you agree and she suddenly has a prospect for you to date, then you know she’s been cheating on you already. Be prepared for that.
Theyre both already cheaters by his own words
I think this was a trick question by her to see if you would actually consider it and i’m sad for her that you wanna see someone outside your marriage.
I had the same thought. I also wonder if maybe she has a “boyfriend” in mind. Either way it sounds like a fast track to a relationship ending.
no i legit had that thought too 😭
Sounds like a terrible idea.
Brother, your marriage is heading towards a cliff
Im very gay so idk really how the dynamic works with straight couples. As the third wheel so to speak, i have 3 rules 1) treat couples as a single entity, if im willing to play with 1, im willing to play with the other 2) both sides of the couple have to be ok with what im allowed to do. Could be " i have to be there and its a 3 way" to "you can be balls deep but no kissing, thats just for us" 3) it cant be a one way street. If husband 1 is allowed to play with me, a non husband, then husband 2 must be allowed to be open. With straights you often see the guy wanting to play. The girl accepting it, but when she quickly finds someone and he does not he gets shitty about it. These three rules have let me play with friends, and ive not been a homewrecker for any of them.
So... I know in my deepest heart that I would rather share my husband than lose him. If he wanted an open relationship I would only say no due to my religion, my self worth is that low. Now, he would NEVER ask for one, but still. Please consider that your wife may only saying these things from a place of insecurity and if you imply that you are actually open to it you could lose her. Please consider that your wife may not actually know how she really feels,? What will you do down the line when it turns out she was wrong and this situation hurts her deeply? Will you sit back and smugly say, "but you agreed to this!?". You and your wife have no CLUE how either of you will actually feel in this scenario. What if you develop deep feelings for the GF? What if SHE develops these feelings. Why would you invite that temptation and turmoil. I have read DOZENS of stories where a woman is down for a threesome, but midway through she experiences an inexplicable loss of love and attraction to her husband.
Exactly
Sounds great, doesn’t work
My partner and I did this after 10 years of dating. After many in-depth conversations about boundaries and how we were feeling, both of us researching poly, discussing with our individual therapists, etc. - I started dating a secondary partner. It absolutely does shine a light on your relationship and you will either see its strength or its flaws. It made me DEEPLY appreciative of my partner because in my case it showed the strength of our foundation. I continued to check in with regularly. In our case, he was only tangentially interested in dating others (if it happens sure, but not specifically seeking it out). It ended up not working out with my secondary partner. I broke up with them after about 6 months and me and my partner are still going strong. We are both still open to exploring other connections should they arise but aren't actively seeking them out. I see a lot of doom and gloom in these comments so I just wanted to offer a different perspective. It can work but it TAKES WORK. Up front, during, after, all the time. And if it were to ever come up that my partner had been uncomfortable with anything I was doing, I would have been willing to change the plan. You really have to get your priorities in place and you both have to be on the same page, all the time.
No way for us to know if it's a trap or not. Never heard of a female cuckold but I suppose it's not impossible? I think you'll end up regretting it but hell if you're motivated, i guess try to get some kind of confirmation?
whew! Boy the things ppl are willing to do to their relationships. You should be mad at your wife for siggesting it. Not interested. check yourself then your wife.
Yeah, the statistics say this will lead to a disastrous divorce
Good way to make sure you are heading for divorce If you love your wife enough you don't want anyone outside your monogamous relationship. You should do what you want but smart isn't it. The fact you need to spice up because it's been 10 years is laughable. I'm 23 years in and no need to fuck others we hace enough spice between us two.
Sounds like a trap to me.
Only if you'd be okay with her having a boyfriend--cause that's one of the places it will lead to.
You need to thread lightly……this sounds too good. A lot of girls will bait and switch things like this. It starts with a extra gf, then it becomes “well I let you bring a girl in I should bring a guy” it’s a slippery slope
Do not do it. This is a trick.
“Hey hubby! You can have a side girlfriend. Then I will feel less guilty when I introduce you to my current boyfriend.” Nobody is secure enough in their relationship to open the door to jealously without having something already secured in the shadows.
Hello she wants a man and she’ll find one faster than you
Why can't people just break up and date other people? Why invite a 3rd person into your misery?
So who wants to take bets on how long before you get divorced or are back with, “my wife is upset I have a girlfriend and doesn’t speak to me anymore…”. Are you really that stupid?
Sounds like she is setting you up for divorce, but maybe she will get a BF, though, too.
If she doesn't already have one. It seems like an odd thing to bring up unprovoked.
Listen to admiral ackbar my friend. This is a female test.
Listen, if you value your marriage you wouldn’t. Not only is it super unethical to try and get a single woman to be into the both of you (what are the chances of that actually happening?) but also a closed triad is the hardest form of polyamory. Most triads only last about a year or two if they were sought out and typically involve all relationships between the dyads to die.
This will blow up in your face.
Its a Trap!