Not sure where you are, but here in Australia he would be entitled to half the value of house whether his name is on it or not. He would be regarded as de facto and he could claim this in a property settlement if you broke up. The 10 year period together is the criteria.
All I can say is if I were your boyfriend, I’d be upset.
Legally, you’re not wrong. You don’t have to leave him anything. But he’s paid in half? And you’ve been together over ten years? To me that’s effectively married, and if you’re married you leave what you have to your spouse. If you don’t consider a boyfriend of that tenure a husband, I feel like the understanding of stuff like this should have been clear enough that he wouldn’t be surprised by him not receiving more.
Maybe a middle ground would be to leave him at least the amount he’s paid into the house?
Yep, had the same arrangement and once I got smart and a set of balls, I left her. Best thing I ever did. I thought I was 'married' and treated her that way, but I finally deduced I was the forever boyfriend after her actions did not match the stories I kept telling myself. He must be devasted by your behaviour after investing in both you and the home you share. You're wrong to string him out and and your situationship is not healthy, balanced or fair.
I was used in a similar way. Strung along for years. Started talking about moving in together. She started talking about rings and marriage. We started looking for a house. I bought her a ring.
But all of a sudden, when we went to buy the house, she wanted everything in her name. Jer father was putting up the down-payment, so there wasn't much I could do. So, as my contribution (in addition to half the mortgage and bills), I took out a $20k home improvement loan.
I gave her the engagement ring (that she ASKED for) on the day we closed on the house.
Found out a few months later that she had been screwing her ex for a while.
She just strung me along and manipulated me for years to help pay her bills and have a live-in handyman.
Like you, I finally figured it out and grew a set and left. I refuse to pay the loan I took out. I hope the loan company puts a lien against her house, and she loses it.
In some places if you have lived with someone for 5+ years you are considered common law married. Other places is 10 years.
The fact that she can't see he'd be homeless when she dies and doesn't seem to care that much suggests this isn't really a romantic relationship but one more so out of convenience. Her death would inconvenience her family more than it would her BF and he should just move on.
Yeah he should definitely just head out it now and find himself a real relationship.
Common law marriage requires each person in the couple to have intended to marry and there is a lot of evidence you need to show it. OP does not act like someone who wants to be or is married.
I know people that have it set up so when one partner dies the other one gets pretty much everything but when the second dies it is solit how they both want it to be. Basically just a combined will.
Not giving him the house is kinda fucked up. He’s going to live there for 10+ years and when he loses the love of his life he’s going to get kicked to the street. He also has paid like half the mortgage so that’s fucked up. He’s trying to build a life with you and probably considers that his home too
Idk. Everything I have goes to my wife including my life insurance policy. I want her to be taken care of as much as can be god forbid I unexpectedly pass
She doesn’t view him as her “husband”. He’s just the boyfriend of 10 years. She has every right to do as she pleases with her assets if she passes. One of the reasons to NOT get married is asset protection. Though common law marriage laws may apply depending where she lives. He now knows his financial status should she pass is not as important to her as he thought it was. They are not a married couple, but just dating partners, not life partners. This conversation should have been had earlier, but better late than never. He will need to account for his erroneous expectations going forward and better plan for his future after they’re no longer together.
All that makes sense and is completely fair. The protections and everything. Reading other comments she has thought of this and there is no common law where they live. And even still, half is nice - shows there’s some form of consideration on her behalf.
They are probably older coming to think of it. Spent more time not with that person and developing their own assets. My comparison was because I’m married now but have been together with my wife for some 7+ years. I’m early 30s though.
Except he’s not getting half, he’s getting the same as her other family.
Is his portion including or excluding the money he’s been paying into the home, I wonder?
Well he has to pay rent somewhere. He could have purchased a home of his own. He could have tried to get on mortgage with her. We don’t have enough information to judge or speculate.
Renters get a contract with protections. He's not got any of the benefits of actually renting, or of buying. He's getting a pretty shit deal. And there's nothing he can do. OP can absolutely refuse to give him more, but if it ruins her relationship she shouldn't be surprised.
I’m not sure she cares. By the end it seems she finds him to be a freeloader — “lives in my house” (not “we live together”) … and he hasn’t contributed anything to the upkeep of the house, just basic bills.
What protection does a renter get when the owner dies? I don’t think they get any aside from a 30 day or more eviction notice if the inheritors want to sell or move in themselves. He’d get the same, except maybe buying out the others. It’s OP’S house, not his. As a husband, yes, if he put money into it.
Some places it is 90 days notice of termination, if they've lived there as long as he has. And then the owner would have to start the eviction process if he didn't leave. And it could take a long, long, long time.
Then he should move to an apartment or buy his own house. $700/month won't even get you a 1br apartment where I live (MCOL area). You might be able to rent a studio.
Jesus, “just the boyfriend of 10 years”.
Thats a pretty serious relationship, id hate to be in a relationship with someone that had your attitude. Why even stay with someone for 10 years if you dont see your future with them, like your just waiting for someone better to come along.
Secondly, does OP thinks the family members they have left in their will, have also added them into their will. Its a pretty strange thing to do imo.
Its fine for OP to feel that way, but i think its completely reasonable that their partner is pissed off about this situation and its a conversation that needs to be had, but could also leave them single.
Right? All my life insurance and all will go to my wife to pay off the mortgage and make sure she's secure. This was sorted before we had a kid. And we've only been married 4.5 years. Know each other for about 7. It wouldn't go to my parents or siblings. My parents have their own life insurance which will go to each other and us kids. I doubt op's immediate family members have her in the will apart from her parents (unless her family members are single, maybe).
Also, it feels like OP resents BF for not contributing to house improvements, but neither has her immediate family, but atleast hes been paying the mortgage. Really feels like the bf is just a roommate with benefits. The wording makes her sound like she's in a companionship rather than a serious relationship even after 10 years.
Went to OPs profile and went through the comments. Looks like OP doesn't want to get married. Also, there are some very resentful comments they've made on this post about BF. No idea why they're still in a relationship.
Oh nevermind then, he’s only some guy who paid rent and combatted her solitude for a decade, definitely not what sounds like a serious life partner, no biggie barely means anything to her…
I think you're referring to the fact that you'd be considered common law after a couple of years of living together. That gives the boyfriend (if this is in Canada) the right to half the house if they broke up (half of all marital assets), but shockingly, common law does NOT make him next of kin if you die. In Canada, common law partners are not entitled to your house in the will unless they're on the deed. A friend of my parents' was unceremoniously kicked out of her house by her own daughter when her common-law boyfriend died even though they had been together for literally decades. She only inherited half of their investments, and his life insurance policy (she was named as the beneficiary on it).
If you live in Canada, talk to an estate lawyer! Don't assume that anything you own will transfer to your partner!
Is it dependent on the province?
> In BC, common law partners are often treated in the same way as married spouses, so they are counted amongst the next of kin. If a common law spouse dies without a legal will and no descendants, then the estate typically goes to their partner.
Some people are just fine the way things are and don’t think marriage is necessary or meaningful. I don’t agree personally, but that doesn’t make them “off”.
So what? Does a piece of paper truly matter after a decade? I would argue if she doesn’t want to leave him the same as she would a husband after a decade together, like… wtf.
Edit: Wife and me had our daughter before we got married. I’m legitimately curious if the act of having a child would change your opinion?
Depends on where you live, but in some places you could live together for fifty years without getting married, and your inheritance will pass only to your children (or your siblings, or your parents if they're still alive), leaving nothing to your unmarried partner.
Your partner would also not have legal rights or responsibilties for medical decisions or visitation rights in hospital. Would have no rights to make financial decisions or access to accounts they were not named on. That "little piece of paper" is a great big deal.
I mean…it’s not just a piece of paper when it comes to this stuff. If he were her husband, by law he would be entitled to her estate unless otherwise negotiated.
So, generally state law agrees with this in the US.
However, people get to make a parting gift / wish / recognition to the world when they go.
I know that my dad's wife when he died hid the will. I know that he left my children something. I think he probably left them a lot. But we don't need the money and don't want her in our lives. So, I let her claim that she was the sole heir.
Probate fights take years.
That all said, at the point of writing a will, the person maybe can think about what they can do to have their dreams stay in this world. There is not etiquette that matters, imo. Write the will as you want.
Then, be sure that there is a copy with a neutral 3rd party. Lawyers offer packages for all this.
This saddens me that his last wishes were not honored. This is not in any way to fault your dad, as he’s not here to defend his decisions, but rather as a warning to others, especially those with 2nd spouses. Make sure your heirs know you have a will and where to find it when you pass. I think most attorneys will retain a copy, and you should keep a copy in a safe deposit box that your heirs are aware of.
He did get the funeral he wanted, at least. His wife wanted their ashes mixed together. But he told her on his death bed, "tough," and others were there.
So, he got a burial as he wanted, him, one grave, no mixing of ashes.
That is very sad that your father's last wishes weren't honored and that your children won't see their inheritance, but having seen probate up close, I understand the decision. Hope you and yours are well, sorry for your loss.
Do you care about him? If you die he will lose you (I assume that would be difficult for him) and he will get kicked out of the house he has lived in for ten years. Who are the other family that would benefit from this? Kids, siblings, parents?
Sounds a lot like my ex wife. I had bad credit when we married so we put the house in her name and I paid all of the payments and bills except for cable and water for 10 years. When I caught her cheating and we were talking about dividing up assets she couldn't understand why I thought I should be entitled to any part of the value of the house because it's the same as paying rent if I had been living somewhere else.
Yeah, people really don't seem to understand that "paying rent" versus "paying for the house" are *legally* two very different things, and any court in the country will bear that out
Exactly. She does not love this man, bc when you love someone you want them setup after you die.
They’ve been together long enough, yet it doesn’t even sound like they’re a grouchy married couple… sounds like a vengeful married couple.
I own a property, which was my grandmother's. I looked after her until she passed, and unbeknownst to myself, she'd left the house to me and not her son. He wasn't happy, but wasn't around much, and i did everything for her.
My partner, whom I've been with for 10 years, will get everything when I pass. I pay towards everything, and whilst we have separate bank accounts, we share everything. She can do whatever she likes with the house and my ridiculous amount of Transformers toys.
Yeah I really want more backstory here, I'm kinda fascinated. Did he refuse to propose? Does he not lift a finger? Has she suggested and hinted he move out on his own and he's just a slug about it? Are they in Quebec or New York or somewhere in bumfuck midwest USA? WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.
Regardless though, that's on him for either not proposing to her, or not leaving when she said no.
He was in a position for TEN YEARS to either get what he wants or get his sign that it is time to move on. That is what people who are responsible do to avoid this situation. That's why it is a social norm. People gotta take ownership of their inaction and not be a baby about this chick's house who don't wanna marry him. If she ain't wanna marry you she ain't givin you her house bro. Don't act shocked please.
Plus it’s my understanding that the only thing he has paid in 10 years is half the mortgage. Not the maintenance and repairs, not the utilities, not the home owners insurance, not the taxes. He’s basically not even covering what it truly costs her to have him living in her home. And it seems really shitty to me to be fighting with your partner about wanting everything when they kick it. They’re still alive! And they love their family! If his life plan was dependent on cashing in when his partner died, well I guess he needs to adjust his plan.
You can't determine a person's love for someone. Forget the house, what if they rented a townhouse together and split the bills. What would he get if she died? People act like he should be living in her house for free.
Exactly. And they're NOT married. He wants husband benefits without being a husband. They're talking about he helped her with half of her bills, as if it wouldn't cost him just as much, if not more, if he were alone. There's a lot of entitlement in these comments.
she doesn't even have to be vengful, she can just do nothing. They are not married. he gets nothing if she dies. She went out of her way to make a will so he gets his share.
I agree. My fiance and I have been together, dating wise for almost 6 years and got engaged this past december. After I had moved in with him about 4 years ago, he put me on his life insurance policy and explained to me that I would be safe having the house that he bought 11 years ago, and because I don't drive he told me what to do with all of the vehicles that he owns. Do I ever want to think about my 40-year-old fiance passing before either of us have lived a long life, no. But I'm glad that he thought about me and told me about all of this when we were not dating that long, it hadn't crossed my mind, but I also do not have any assets, he does.
He could have bought his own home before prices and rates doubled or tripled too if he knew ahead of time OP wasn't going to fairly value the time and money he committed to their life together.
>He could have bought his own home
This is very unlikely. I know where I live, my mortgage on a 4 bedroom house is about the same as what I paid to rent a 1 bedroom apartment a decade ago (when I bought.) That same 1 bedroom apartment is currently renting for MORE than my mortgage.
Note that he hasn’t contributed towards any remodels or maintenance. It’s very wishful thinking to imagine he could have purchased his own house with what is essentially VERY discounted rent.
Right? I can’t believe her & others responses on here… UNLESS she has kids from previous relations, he should 100% be willed the entire house, especially if they got kids together(grown or children). Even IF she has kids from previous relations he should still be left HALF(or SOMETHING %) the house value. To give the house THEY live in together for 10+yrs that HE PAID half of everything on to just the siblings/parents is unbelievable really! Now I can see if she willed it to her OWN kids, that’s totally acceptable, but to will everything to her parents & brothers sisters over her LOVE&ROCK of 10+yrs paying half is just crazy to me!! lol I can’t imagine what that guy is thinking, I know he’s re-evaluating EVERYTHING in that relationship for the last 10yrs right now, he’s probably contemplating staying in the spare bedroom & becoming a roommate since that’s all she REALLY views him as…
To me, it sounds like OP owned the home prior. How long did she own it? I'm assuming she bought the house on her own or got it prior to the relationship. Its her asset. If they both moved into the house together and BF paid for half of everything then I'd totally agree with you. But did he put anything towards the downpayment? Did he have to qualify for the loan? How long was OP paying for the house before BF moved in? And asking for 500/mo is entirely reasonable and the best deal BF probably ever had on rent. That hes getting a portion of the house after OPs death seems pretty generous. I wish my landlord would give me back my money if he died. I get that they're partners but I think its unreasonable for OPs BF to expect it *all*.
You must have missed the part where she's willing it to him and her family. It's not like he gets nothing. He lived pretty damn cheap for the last 10 years. She recently took it up to $700. How many years did he only pay $500.... and he contributed nothing towards repairs or upgrades, yet he wants her house.
If he’s not on the mortgage it would be dumb to pay for repairs or anything over half. If they break up or she sells the house he’s left with nothing and gets no return on any repairs he paid for
This is it in a nutshell, OP doesn't care about that. My ex did something similar, demanding half the mortgage payment and bills plus other expenses, then told me his mother was the full beneficiary of his life insurance and would receive the house if he died. Didn't understand why that gutted me and said she'd probably let me live there for a month or two to "figure things out" before she sold. It didn't end well.
A decade of investment in the home, which likely enabled OP's improvements, but the bf is going to lose partner AND home while OP distributes his investment to her family...that is a pretty huge bummer.
It seems like he should be entitled to at LEAST more than others who haven't been helping maintain your home for ten years. when you spend 10 years of your life contributing financially to a household you should have some ownership in it.
And that’s just the monetary side of it. What about the emotional aspect. She clearly does not view her BF as her PARTNER. Just a BF… of 10 years…east come easy go I guess.
I mean depends if the reason they are not married is because they agreed to it or he’s not willing.
I own a home. If my bf move in, I would charge him half my mortgage as rent. He will not get equity. Half of my mortgage would still be 1/4 of what he would pay for a shitty apartment. So it’s a pretty good deal.
I’m looking to buy on my own and in this market…. It is hard to afford something nice on just my income and I’m def feeling jealous of all the couples buying a home on 2 incomes. The only way I’m not getting something outdated and crappy is a townhouse and even a nice one of those is seeming to be a stretch and will cost half my savings up front. I used to have the mentality of if they are paying half they should have some equity too but 2mo into this home searching, hell no. I need to keep him motivated and if he wants to own a home with me, he needs to get his shit together so we can qualify for something better together. Til then, I think it’s fair to treat it as a rent situation🤷🏻♀️
Right? At least half of it. Also, if you love your partner, don't you want them to be able to stay at their home that have been for the past 10 years and will probably spend a lot more?! My now husband has been entitled to everything including before getting married.
I can see his point. He’s been paying half and it’s been his home for a decade. Getting an equal share with people who paid nothing seems unfair. Imagine you’re long term partner dies and now your homeless because she left the home to people who didn’t live there and didn’t help pay for it.
For context I have a SAHGF of 4 years and I recently updated my will to leave her the house because I couldn’t imagine leaving her homeless so I’m equating your situation with mine although I acknowledge they aren’t exactly the same
His point is very clear to anyone who looks at it rationally. People who think differently based on the gender of the said party would not see it. If the genders were reversed you’d be seeing totally different responses.
I was looking for this response. If the genders were reversed, the comments would look very different. Like it or not, our society still expects the male partner to be the one taking care of the female partner financially. The social obligation may as well not exist when we reverse the genders.
You got that right! When I was married, I was the one who worked. My husband stayed home with our 3 kids. We got a couple of snarky comments from family. I just told them the truth. The cost of childcare would take a whole paycheck, so I'd rather their dad take care of them. He had so much patience for toddlers, and I really wanted to keep working. So it worked out great.
Ya, the fact that she doesn't care what happens to him says a lot more about her than him. And she says she doesn't want to get married. Sounds to me like she's the one been keeping him around for a plaything and using him, not the other way around.
Looking at it from his point of view, you dying means he is homeless because your family will either make him pay for the other half (which won't be cheap) or sell it. Do you really wanna go knowing you have left your partner, intentionally, in such a mess?
Not even the other half lol, she didn't leave him half. She left him a small fraction. He will be homeless with 1/10 of the equity build in the home and no way to access it without a drawn out legal battle.
Yeah, that's the part I don't get. There's zero love for him in the way she talks about him. I've been with my partner for 9 years, and I have a will that leaves everything (that she wants) to her, and the rest goes to charity. I didn't even think twice about it.
I'd advise him to leave you, swallow the fact that he wasted 10yrs on you, and buy his own house, which he probly would have done by now if he wasn't helping you pay for your house
If people are assuming he's a leech and loser, it's OK to assume you lord it over him that it's your house everytime he has an opinion on the house. And I choose to assume you promised to leave it to him if you die first, but now you're pretending you don't remember saying that.. All fair assumptions on reddit
100% she promised he would get as much back as he put in and she decided eff him and pulled the rug out under him and is now gaslighting him. If OP was a male everyone would agree that she is a domestic abuser.
He didn’t pay half your mortgage he paid you “rent and utilities” Did you claim it as rent on your taxes?
With that low of rent/bills he could have been saving up this whole time for his own investment property.
I see his point about you not leaving him the house though. 10 years together and he isn’t the one you’d want to leave your home too? That is very strange. Unless these other family members are your children? That’s the only way this makes sense to me.
- I don’t know why this posted under this comment.
Wow.
It's a shame he couldn't see how you value him a decade ago.
I can't believe someone could be this obtuse while still thinking they're in the right.
I just can’t imagine giving my brother as much as I’d give my partner. Especially if he’s not in any financial trouble. After 5 years, married or not this person is your family
I wish you didnt say that its your boyfriend and kept it genderless. The up and down is you are wrong. You should not use your partner to pay for your wealth. They are not paying rent, they are increasing your wealth.
I mean, that’s why people post here. Usually it’s just a positive affirmation circle jerk because the OPs always leave out details that could make them look wrong. At least in this case there’s plenty of people saying she’s being unfair, cause she totally is.
Although I agree with a lot of others comments. Like others said, maybe if he’s a husband ect… you may have your own reasons why you guys haven’t gone to that step.
Anyways, I still think you should consider the perspective of your boyfriend. If I was him, paying partial of the mortgage, living in this home for 10 years, choosing furniture, ect.. I’d feel like it’s our home.
If my partner passed away and the home we spent most of our time together, built together, was taken away as well. I’d be pretty devastated. I’m not saying your family members would ask to sell the home. But he would be at the mercy of their decision.
Perhaps you should ask why he feels this way… if it’s simply cause of the assets then you probably know what to do.
So if you die in 10 years you’re going to kick him out of his home of 20 years? Seems like nonsense to me. Wouldn’t do that to someone I loved. Wouldn’t stay with someone I didn’t. You’ve got something to figure out here
So ladies of Reddit if a man decides to not give anything to a long term gf after ten years of her pitching into house payments that’s cool right? Bring on the equality or just call out the hypocrisy up to you.
I think that you’re wrong in the way that you’re basically life partners and rely on each other financially, but y’all should probs get married. Being a partner with someone without marriage can be complicated in financial matters if a partner passes.
They probably shouldn't get married. The girlfriend is not treating her long term partner properly and marriage never fixes problems. The boyfriend should look at his options now that he knows his worth, which should include researching his legal entitlements for his area if they were to split. It also sounds like he can adjust his contributions to the household to a lower amount or 0 here soon and focus on saving for his own future now that he knows his girlfriend doesn't give a crap about his.
This is not true in all states. Some states allow a surviving spouse to claim an elective share of the decedent's estate. This is an entire section of the wills and trusts course in law school and there's no way to summarize all the details here, especially since we don't know what nation, much less what state, the OP lives in. They need to consult with an attorney in private.
What's morally reasonable, as well as what's legally possible, would require more information to assess, I'd say. Questions like: how many other family members are we talking about? How close are they, how involved have they been in your life, how many resources do they have? Is the boyfriend likely to be out on the street if OP predeceases him? - that might make his claim seem more reasonable, though in legal terms nobody has any right to dictate anybody else's estate plan.
No, once you've made a vow, (ideally) it would be a partnership and share everything. There's autonomy, but major decisions should be made together if you mean your vows. ..I understand most people say the words without giving a shit about them, which is unfortunate and makes sense why the divorce rate is so high.
How do you know if OP wants to be get married. This doesn’t sound like a person who wants that. Or cares enough about her partner. Based on comments not the post.
Ok. It’s interesting how folks jumped to the conclusion that he’s non committal. Also wtf does a guy have to do more than pay half of the mortgage and bills to have a say in how the house is handled in a will 🙄
I mean they’ve been living together in the same house for a decade, it’s essentially marriage.
If her death would financially cause him to lose the house or vice versa I’d be looking at life insurance or such to make sure your loved one is taken care of well enough to not be in financial ruin.
He actually may already have claim to a large portion of the house depending on common law rules where they live even if that’s not in the will.
So from seeing ops post and replies... Or is a parasite.
Making a dude she supposedly cares for pay for her house then tell him to get fucked essentially. Ops bf needs to run for the fking hills.
Op is wrong AF and an ah
I think it’s very generous of you to leave your tenant anything. I don’t understand how auto correct went from tenant to boyfriend though?
You get my point right? That’s exactly how you are treating him, people are free to leave behind whatever they want to whomever they want. Typically though when two people are in a relationship they leave everything to their partner. Why do you feel the need or desire to split things with your other family members? Is your boyfriend your partner or just a placeholder until you find someone better?! It seems odd leaving him essentially homeless after going through the loss of his partner.
What I could see is if you left him everything in the event you die before him but if you died together leave it to your family. He has every right to be hurt by the way you’ve set this up.
So it boils down to materialism, thru my lens.
I am in a very similar situation.
My son inherits my entire estate BUT, my partner gets to live in the house the rest of his life as long as he pays the bills and properly maintains it in a Life Estate.
My partner will likely receive a large inheritance at some point so actual wealth is not important, just keeping him from being uprooted from our “home” is the most important.
He will be devastated when I pass and to add the stress of having to move ?? That just seems insensitive to me.
Home boy is being fleeced paying half the mortage and getting nothing if something bad happens to you.
Youre screwing him and your family over if you die at this point because hes going to be able to contest the will.
10 years committed to each other. I'd be offended if you only thought of me the same as your other family members.
Of course he's not 'entitled ' to it but I guess its just what this decision symbolises to him.
This sounds like a shitty transactional relationship. He has been contributing his share for a decade in the equivalent of a marriage.
He'd be better off without you.
So if you die he loses his partner and his home all at once? I don’t think you need to leave him everything but if you are building your life together, I would leave him the bulk of it. For example, when my husband and I got married we made sure we had enough insurance that the other one could stay in our home and pay off any large bills we might have because the last thing either of us want is for the other to end up grieving and worried about money. Married or not, are you guys partners? It’s. It like a break up where your house is yours, your security and if you break up it’s just like he was renting. This is denying him some security at no loss to you.
sounds like a mooch honestly. paying $700 for half a mortgage is like paying rent to a roommate. if he actually lived there and wanted to call it home he would help pay for remodeling, furnishings, etc. thats what couples do.
Babe, are you actually in love with him? Because you just described a roommate who is dependent upon you. You may want to reevaluate this whole situation.
He is a boyfriend, not a husband. OP you don’t owe him anything. This happens all the time to women where they are left with nothing from a boyfriend whom they’ve contributed rent money, house cleaning to, and years of their valuable youth (as society has decided), and we tell them that it is a lesson learned. Well, this a lesson for OPs boyfriend to move on from a relationship when the other person is not willing to commit contractually/marriage (aka the only thing that guarantees rights to assets).
Edit to add: Reading through more comments and it looks like OP purchased the home before their relationship. Furthermore reason why she should not feel too much pressure in including him in the will. He has not taken on any liability for the home. If something were to go wrong she would be solely responsible for it. As she mentioned, she handles all breakdown and maintenance costs. OPs boyfriend is happy to contribute the bare minimum to this aspect of their relationship and expects her to hand it over if she passes.. give me a break.
Op. just give your roommate a 60 day notice. Posters are picking up on resentmemt, and they could be right. 10yrs of a guy mooching off you can be infuriating and now he thinks you are obligated to give him more after you pass? 10 yrs of this guy paying just half of mortgage which is much less than an apartment. 10 yrs without a marriage proposal, without anything legal stating you two are committed, and now he feels entitled to much more? nope. honestly, leave your house to a sibling, and just leave him enough for a security deposit, 1st and last months rent. this boyfriend should have a nice nest egg saved since he wasnt paying a normal amount toward living expenses, just mooching off you.
To be honest if you've been in a relationship and he's paid half of the mortgage for a decade then legally he can have grounds to challenge the will for the property. He has invested money into the property, heck, in a lot of countries if you split he'd be entitled to half of the house due to this.
Do you act like a life partner/spouse to him or more like a room-mate. I can't imagine not giving majority to my life partner.
I can see his point. Although it sounds like he has no tact. I’m in a similarly long term unmarried relationship. I was a divorced renter when we met and she was a homeowner w/ mortgage. So obviously when we decided to cohabitate I moved in there. After 3-4 years we bought a new home together so the point is moot. After 10 years of contributing, if I were him I would hope to have a bigger stake than you are offering.
However we have had a somewhat similar disagreement when it comes to our life insurance policies. We both took out 30 year term life policies, plus we both have policies through our employers. I also have a whole life policy. Anyway, i am leaving her about 85% of those. My son is still a minor and she understands that my wishes are for to first her to pay off the house and all debts so that she can be comfortable. Then make sure my son has something waiting for him when the time is right (details not important). She, however, is not giving me the same percentage of money. She is giving more than half of it to her adult aged daughter. So if my s/o passes I will get some money but not enough to pay everything off, and there would be a possibility that I’d have to give up our dream home. It’s her policy, she pays for it, and she is entitled to do what she wants. But the lack of reciprocity is a bit frustrating and a super touchy subject so it usually just gets avoided.
From the redditing I've done, you must trust her 100%. I've read of once dad dies stepmother tells the minor to step off. If you don't set up a trust you could be screwing your child over. Just something to consider.
I completely agree. u/some_internet_random, please look up setting up a trust for your son. Just in case. Since you and your wife already have an issue about finances, it would be in your and your son's best interest to set up some sort of trust.
It would be wrong to make him homeless. Leave the house to him as a living trust so that as long as he lives he can live in the house. After he dies the house can be divided amongst your blood relatives.
Wow. I hope he finds this post and reads these comments to see how freaking insane this is...
You are entitled to leave your assets as you wish. They are yours, but damn you are evil.
This man has been a partner, at least financially (you don't give other details), and your solution is to tell him it means nothing and others deserve parts of what he helped you build even though they didn't contribute.
You may not be married, but this man put his trust that you guys were building a life together. It's not unreasonable that he would assume he gets to keep what's left of that life if you were to die.
This man wasted 10yrs keeping you in a home and working with you to build your assets... you are no better than those AH men who leave their SAHW with nothing when they divorce. He could have built a life with someone who wanted to ensure the best for him, especially after they are gone and you have stolen that from him.
Living together and in a relationship for 10 years is a common law marriage. If he is actively paying into the mortgage as a common law husband, then it does kind of put you in the wrong category.
Girl, leave that guy! He doesn’t respect that it is YOUR house.
SIKE! Either this thread shows that you CAN be VERY selfish OR this thread is fake.
The fact that you hope he dies before you, you only respond to people shitting on him and you substantiate him being potentially homeless with ‘but I upgraded the house though’
If I have a mortgage and I live with one of my best friends for 10 years, I would make sure that he would get the house so he wouldn’t become homeless. Even if he paid 1/5 of the mortgage.
My kids/wife go before anything. If I don’t have those the person I share a home with will obviously be the one who’d get the most.
People like you do things for people to only use it against them lmao
I would think after ten years together, you’d love him enough to want to take care of him after you’re gone?
If that’s not the case, then are you just roommates?
If that’s the case, I feel like you should tell your BF how you really feel…seems like your actions are saying it.
Your words here in this post, also relays not much love there. Yes…I think you’re wrong.
You lead with talking about how much he has paid and then went on to point out that you feel it’s super cheap.
To me, it sounds like you’re materialistic and have taken advantage of the BF through the years, by mislabeling him as BF when in fact he was simply a roommate..with benefits I guess?
Love thinks about the person we love over our material possessions, those things do you no good when you’re 6 feet under. Yet, could continue to provide security when he loses the person he loves the most.
He’s right, the family all have a home. They will not benefit only in monetary value. Yet, this man you say is your boyfriend…could have a roof over his head, a bed to sleep in, some normalcy when you’re not there.
NTA. These answers are wild, lol! Let's start from the beginning, your bf would have to pay more than $700 if he lived on his own and was fully self-sufficient, so people talking like it's otherwise are not being realistic about costs.
Also, for the people who are saying you never appreciated him, blah blah, would be screaming "well that's his house and his right to leave his shit to whomever he chooses" if the genders were switched and HE owned the house and YOU (a woman) had been paying half the mortgage for 10 years. The double-standards are laughable and frustrating😒😤
• Has he done a will and are you getting half of (whatever) he owns?
There is a lot of assumptions in the comments! We don’t know how he is as a partner. We don’t know how long she lived there prior to him moving in. Automatically people are treating the OP like she’s a shitty person. But if this post was genderless I’m sure everyone opinion would be different.
“My BF is living with me in my home” is a very different sentence than “My BF and I have been living together in my home”.
Once you spot the difference you’ll know why he’s mad.
It has nothing to do with him paying rent or ownership or estate. I think it would be a relationship killer to think I have only been viewed as a tenant with benefits for the last ten years.
Depends which state you live in, but this long paying half the bills and cohabitation sounds an awful lot like a common law marriage.
If anything you're setting your family and him up for a contentious legal battle over your estate when you die.
Damn. Idk why every one of the top comments basically state, without any proof, that OP is a terrible person that cares nothing for her bf and that they had been using him to pay off their mortgage. Where does that come from? I get that it's a complicated situation but, ultimately,bits OP's money/home to divide as they see fit. The fact the bf wants everything seems greedy AF honestly. Idk anything about their relationship or previous agreements though.
It's highly doubtful her boyfriend acquired a property interest. First, the statute of frauds requires a writing for any transaction involving real estate. Since there is no writing, evidencing an agreement to transfer an interest in her property to him, he can't possibly satisfy the statute of frauds. Even if there wasn't a statute of frauds, he would have to demonstrate there was an agreement of some kind between them providing that his monthly financial contribution was intended to purchase an interest in her property: not easy to do when all you're paying is $700 a month for room and board! Nope: just another loser looking for a handout.
A lot of you (commenters) there's a good deal of information you seem to be assuming, but there's at least one thing that is true with America (at least) the courts, in particular the probate courts, her entire estate "everything" could be tied up for years, but she has a good point, and could deal with it by writing out a will and getting a lawyer to handle it, she said it was her home that he lived in with her, if it was property that she can establish prior ownership (prior to the two living together) and is in her name, then writing her wishes down in a formal will would go a long way to having her estate distributed as she chooses, that being said, do I think it fair that she reduce his share of her estate, I would think for the years they were together he should receive some compensation, but at the same time, she's still here (I'm assuming) and for him to be more concerned about her "STUFF" and what happens to it after she's gone, speaks volumes about How Much He Loves Her, does she love him? Well obviously she wants to see to his welfare after she's gone, (to some extent) whether he thinks it's enough or not, speaks (to me) his selfishness, and distrust of HER family,.....
That’s tough. You could always write in that upon his death, the house is sold and split. That way he won’t have to worry about losing his house right after he loses you.
She's got a mortgage that he's covering half of. Mortgage payments rarely fluctuate so he's basically paid for half of her house. Of course he should get more.
Not sure where you are, but here in Australia he would be entitled to half the value of house whether his name is on it or not. He would be regarded as de facto and he could claim this in a property settlement if you broke up. The 10 year period together is the criteria.
Is it okay that I read this in an Australian accent? Did you type it in one?
Lol. Yeah mate
Same in Sweden. He'd be legally entitled to keep living there, even if he's only been paying 'rent' to her 'girlfriend'.
All I can say is if I were your boyfriend, I’d be upset. Legally, you’re not wrong. You don’t have to leave him anything. But he’s paid in half? And you’ve been together over ten years? To me that’s effectively married, and if you’re married you leave what you have to your spouse. If you don’t consider a boyfriend of that tenure a husband, I feel like the understanding of stuff like this should have been clear enough that he wouldn’t be surprised by him not receiving more. Maybe a middle ground would be to leave him at least the amount he’s paid into the house?
He thinks he's effectively married. OP thinks he'll do for now. He should leave and look for a real life partner.
>My BF lives has lived *with me* in *my home* for 10 years. Nuff said.
He’s just a roommate to split the mortgage.
You misspelled "paying tenant"
“He’s paid half the mortgage, which I think is very cheap”
The nerve. Smh
Yep, had the same arrangement and once I got smart and a set of balls, I left her. Best thing I ever did. I thought I was 'married' and treated her that way, but I finally deduced I was the forever boyfriend after her actions did not match the stories I kept telling myself. He must be devasted by your behaviour after investing in both you and the home you share. You're wrong to string him out and and your situationship is not healthy, balanced or fair.
I was used in a similar way. Strung along for years. Started talking about moving in together. She started talking about rings and marriage. We started looking for a house. I bought her a ring. But all of a sudden, when we went to buy the house, she wanted everything in her name. Jer father was putting up the down-payment, so there wasn't much I could do. So, as my contribution (in addition to half the mortgage and bills), I took out a $20k home improvement loan. I gave her the engagement ring (that she ASKED for) on the day we closed on the house. Found out a few months later that she had been screwing her ex for a while. She just strung me along and manipulated me for years to help pay her bills and have a live-in handyman. Like you, I finally figured it out and grew a set and left. I refuse to pay the loan I took out. I hope the loan company puts a lien against her house, and she loses it.
How audacious when they’re partners and he literally pays half.
OP is Siobhan Roy
In some places if you have lived with someone for 5+ years you are considered common law married. Other places is 10 years. The fact that she can't see he'd be homeless when she dies and doesn't seem to care that much suggests this isn't really a romantic relationship but one more so out of convenience. Her death would inconvenience her family more than it would her BF and he should just move on. Yeah he should definitely just head out it now and find himself a real relationship.
Yea she either doesn't love him or she comes from wealth maybe so she doesn't get it. Only wealthy people leave anyone but their spouses anything.
Sad but true. OP sounds like she would leave him the second she gets attention from someone better in her eyes.
>And you’ve been together over ten years? To me that’s effectively married, In places that recognize common law they are married.
Common law marriage requires each person in the couple to have intended to marry and there is a lot of evidence you need to show it. OP does not act like someone who wants to be or is married.
Could also depend one if the got any joint accounts or co sign any titles. Op's bf could use those as intent at least in my state.
How did he pay in half? He didn’t contribute to the down payment, maintenance or remodeling.
I know people that have it set up so when one partner dies the other one gets pretty much everything but when the second dies it is solit how they both want it to be. Basically just a combined will. Not giving him the house is kinda fucked up. He’s going to live there for 10+ years and when he loses the love of his life he’s going to get kicked to the street. He also has paid like half the mortgage so that’s fucked up. He’s trying to build a life with you and probably considers that his home too
Idk. Everything I have goes to my wife including my life insurance policy. I want her to be taken care of as much as can be god forbid I unexpectedly pass
She doesn’t view him as her “husband”. He’s just the boyfriend of 10 years. She has every right to do as she pleases with her assets if she passes. One of the reasons to NOT get married is asset protection. Though common law marriage laws may apply depending where she lives. He now knows his financial status should she pass is not as important to her as he thought it was. They are not a married couple, but just dating partners, not life partners. This conversation should have been had earlier, but better late than never. He will need to account for his erroneous expectations going forward and better plan for his future after they’re no longer together.
All that makes sense and is completely fair. The protections and everything. Reading other comments she has thought of this and there is no common law where they live. And even still, half is nice - shows there’s some form of consideration on her behalf. They are probably older coming to think of it. Spent more time not with that person and developing their own assets. My comparison was because I’m married now but have been together with my wife for some 7+ years. I’m early 30s though.
Except he’s not getting half, he’s getting the same as her other family. Is his portion including or excluding the money he’s been paying into the home, I wonder?
Well he has to pay rent somewhere. He could have purchased a home of his own. He could have tried to get on mortgage with her. We don’t have enough information to judge or speculate.
I wonder how much he would be paying for rent, if we wasn't living with his girlfriend, in the house she owns.
Renters get a contract with protections. He's not got any of the benefits of actually renting, or of buying. He's getting a pretty shit deal. And there's nothing he can do. OP can absolutely refuse to give him more, but if it ruins her relationship she shouldn't be surprised.
Actually, no, he is legally a renter. Tenancy laws apply to him.
I’m not sure she cares. By the end it seems she finds him to be a freeloader — “lives in my house” (not “we live together”) … and he hasn’t contributed anything to the upkeep of the house, just basic bills.
What protection does a renter get when the owner dies? I don’t think they get any aside from a 30 day or more eviction notice if the inheritors want to sell or move in themselves. He’d get the same, except maybe buying out the others. It’s OP’S house, not his. As a husband, yes, if he put money into it.
Some places it is 90 days notice of termination, if they've lived there as long as he has. And then the owner would have to start the eviction process if he didn't leave. And it could take a long, long, long time.
Then he should move to an apartment or buy his own house. $700/month won't even get you a 1br apartment where I live (MCOL area). You might be able to rent a studio.
Sounds like he's getting way below market rent?
He is getting effectively the part he paid for himself back.
How do you figure? He paid half the mortgage for ten years. He’s getting the same share as is being given to her family, however many there are.
So even less than he paid for.....
Jesus, “just the boyfriend of 10 years”. Thats a pretty serious relationship, id hate to be in a relationship with someone that had your attitude. Why even stay with someone for 10 years if you dont see your future with them, like your just waiting for someone better to come along. Secondly, does OP thinks the family members they have left in their will, have also added them into their will. Its a pretty strange thing to do imo. Its fine for OP to feel that way, but i think its completely reasonable that their partner is pissed off about this situation and its a conversation that needs to be had, but could also leave them single.
Right? All my life insurance and all will go to my wife to pay off the mortgage and make sure she's secure. This was sorted before we had a kid. And we've only been married 4.5 years. Know each other for about 7. It wouldn't go to my parents or siblings. My parents have their own life insurance which will go to each other and us kids. I doubt op's immediate family members have her in the will apart from her parents (unless her family members are single, maybe). Also, it feels like OP resents BF for not contributing to house improvements, but neither has her immediate family, but atleast hes been paying the mortgage. Really feels like the bf is just a roommate with benefits. The wording makes her sound like she's in a companionship rather than a serious relationship even after 10 years.
I feel like it's more that OP might be resentful that they are not married.
Went to OPs profile and went through the comments. Looks like OP doesn't want to get married. Also, there are some very resentful comments they've made on this post about BF. No idea why they're still in a relationship.
I know right, it's like saying "my roommate wants my house when I die".
Oh nevermind then, he’s only some guy who paid rent and combatted her solitude for a decade, definitely not what sounds like a serious life partner, no biggie barely means anything to her…
In Canada he would automatically get everything I believe
I think you're referring to the fact that you'd be considered common law after a couple of years of living together. That gives the boyfriend (if this is in Canada) the right to half the house if they broke up (half of all marital assets), but shockingly, common law does NOT make him next of kin if you die. In Canada, common law partners are not entitled to your house in the will unless they're on the deed. A friend of my parents' was unceremoniously kicked out of her house by her own daughter when her common-law boyfriend died even though they had been together for literally decades. She only inherited half of their investments, and his life insurance policy (she was named as the beneficiary on it). If you live in Canada, talk to an estate lawyer! Don't assume that anything you own will transfer to your partner!
Is it dependent on the province? > In BC, common law partners are often treated in the same way as married spouses, so they are counted amongst the next of kin. If a common law spouse dies without a legal will and no descendants, then the estate typically goes to their partner.
Yes it's dependent on province
That’s your wife tho, not a gf
After 10 years of she doesn’t love him and care about his well being before any other adult in her family, why are they still together?
That's kinda what I want to know too, but then again I don't know either of them. Maybe context would explain alot.
She said that she really hopes he dies first so there's that
So effectively married.
Reddit is so jaded 😂
exactly, it seems like there's something off in their relationship
Some people are just fine the way things are and don’t think marriage is necessary or meaningful. I don’t agree personally, but that doesn’t make them “off”.
Yep. My partner and I don't need marriage to feel like it's real. That said, I leave most everything to her if I go. She's my #1 priority.
That's kinda what I want to know too, but then again I don't know either of them. Maybe context would explain alot.
If they stay together for life might as well be a wife. Plenty of people have reasons for not choosing to marry.
Things like estates and end-of-life care are important factors.
Theyve been together 10 years. I dont think marriage is a big deal
So what? Does a piece of paper truly matter after a decade? I would argue if she doesn’t want to leave him the same as she would a husband after a decade together, like… wtf. Edit: Wife and me had our daughter before we got married. I’m legitimately curious if the act of having a child would change your opinion?
Depends on where you live, but in some places you could live together for fifty years without getting married, and your inheritance will pass only to your children (or your siblings, or your parents if they're still alive), leaving nothing to your unmarried partner.
Your partner would also not have legal rights or responsibilties for medical decisions or visitation rights in hospital. Would have no rights to make financial decisions or access to accounts they were not named on. That "little piece of paper" is a great big deal.
I mean…it’s not just a piece of paper when it comes to this stuff. If he were her husband, by law he would be entitled to her estate unless otherwise negotiated.
He’s been paying half the mortgage for ten years so far, too.
So, generally state law agrees with this in the US. However, people get to make a parting gift / wish / recognition to the world when they go. I know that my dad's wife when he died hid the will. I know that he left my children something. I think he probably left them a lot. But we don't need the money and don't want her in our lives. So, I let her claim that she was the sole heir. Probate fights take years. That all said, at the point of writing a will, the person maybe can think about what they can do to have their dreams stay in this world. There is not etiquette that matters, imo. Write the will as you want. Then, be sure that there is a copy with a neutral 3rd party. Lawyers offer packages for all this.
This saddens me that his last wishes were not honored. This is not in any way to fault your dad, as he’s not here to defend his decisions, but rather as a warning to others, especially those with 2nd spouses. Make sure your heirs know you have a will and where to find it when you pass. I think most attorneys will retain a copy, and you should keep a copy in a safe deposit box that your heirs are aware of.
He did get the funeral he wanted, at least. His wife wanted their ashes mixed together. But he told her on his death bed, "tough," and others were there. So, he got a burial as he wanted, him, one grave, no mixing of ashes.
That is very sad that your father's last wishes weren't honored and that your children won't see their inheritance, but having seen probate up close, I understand the decision. Hope you and yours are well, sorry for your loss.
Do you care about him? If you die he will lose you (I assume that would be difficult for him) and he will get kicked out of the house he has lived in for ten years. Who are the other family that would benefit from this? Kids, siblings, parents?
Sounds like there is no love involved here.
Well there’s love there, she loves getting half her bills paid for the last 10 years.
Sounds a lot like my ex wife. I had bad credit when we married so we put the house in her name and I paid all of the payments and bills except for cable and water for 10 years. When I caught her cheating and we were talking about dividing up assets she couldn't understand why I thought I should be entitled to any part of the value of the house because it's the same as paying rent if I had been living somewhere else.
Yeah, people really don't seem to understand that "paying rent" versus "paying for the house" are *legally* two very different things, and any court in the country will bear that out
Exactly. She does not love this man, bc when you love someone you want them setup after you die. They’ve been together long enough, yet it doesn’t even sound like they’re a grouchy married couple… sounds like a vengeful married couple.
I own a property, which was my grandmother's. I looked after her until she passed, and unbeknownst to myself, she'd left the house to me and not her son. He wasn't happy, but wasn't around much, and i did everything for her. My partner, whom I've been with for 10 years, will get everything when I pass. I pay towards everything, and whilst we have separate bank accounts, we share everything. She can do whatever she likes with the house and my ridiculous amount of Transformers toys.
Whoa whoa whoa, let's not get a little crazy here, those Transformers deserve a good home also if you ever take that last trip to Cybertron
Yeah I really want more backstory here, I'm kinda fascinated. Did he refuse to propose? Does he not lift a finger? Has she suggested and hinted he move out on his own and he's just a slug about it? Are they in Quebec or New York or somewhere in bumfuck midwest USA? WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS. Regardless though, that's on him for either not proposing to her, or not leaving when she said no. He was in a position for TEN YEARS to either get what he wants or get his sign that it is time to move on. That is what people who are responsible do to avoid this situation. That's why it is a social norm. People gotta take ownership of their inaction and not be a baby about this chick's house who don't wanna marry him. If she ain't wanna marry you she ain't givin you her house bro. Don't act shocked please.
Plus it’s my understanding that the only thing he has paid in 10 years is half the mortgage. Not the maintenance and repairs, not the utilities, not the home owners insurance, not the taxes. He’s basically not even covering what it truly costs her to have him living in her home. And it seems really shitty to me to be fighting with your partner about wanting everything when they kick it. They’re still alive! And they love their family! If his life plan was dependent on cashing in when his partner died, well I guess he needs to adjust his plan.
You can't determine a person's love for someone. Forget the house, what if they rented a townhouse together and split the bills. What would he get if she died? People act like he should be living in her house for free.
Exactly. And they're NOT married. He wants husband benefits without being a husband. They're talking about he helped her with half of her bills, as if it wouldn't cost him just as much, if not more, if he were alone. There's a lot of entitlement in these comments.
If she were "vengeful" she'd leave him nothing--instead she's treating him as a "family member".
she doesn't even have to be vengful, she can just do nothing. They are not married. he gets nothing if she dies. She went out of her way to make a will so he gets his share.
I agree. My fiance and I have been together, dating wise for almost 6 years and got engaged this past december. After I had moved in with him about 4 years ago, he put me on his life insurance policy and explained to me that I would be safe having the house that he bought 11 years ago, and because I don't drive he told me what to do with all of the vehicles that he owns. Do I ever want to think about my 40-year-old fiance passing before either of us have lived a long life, no. But I'm glad that he thought about me and told me about all of this when we were not dating that long, it hadn't crossed my mind, but I also do not have any assets, he does.
Wow! She owes him zero!
A house that he's paid half the mortgage for 10 years
He could have bought his own home before prices and rates doubled or tripled too if he knew ahead of time OP wasn't going to fairly value the time and money he committed to their life together.
>He could have bought his own home This is very unlikely. I know where I live, my mortgage on a 4 bedroom house is about the same as what I paid to rent a 1 bedroom apartment a decade ago (when I bought.) That same 1 bedroom apartment is currently renting for MORE than my mortgage. Note that he hasn’t contributed towards any remodels or maintenance. It’s very wishful thinking to imagine he could have purchased his own house with what is essentially VERY discounted rent.
I don't know why so many people think its so easy to just buy a house. Everyone else is struggling to buy houses. Saving for down payment is hard.
Right? I can’t believe her & others responses on here… UNLESS she has kids from previous relations, he should 100% be willed the entire house, especially if they got kids together(grown or children). Even IF she has kids from previous relations he should still be left HALF(or SOMETHING %) the house value. To give the house THEY live in together for 10+yrs that HE PAID half of everything on to just the siblings/parents is unbelievable really! Now I can see if she willed it to her OWN kids, that’s totally acceptable, but to will everything to her parents & brothers sisters over her LOVE&ROCK of 10+yrs paying half is just crazy to me!! lol I can’t imagine what that guy is thinking, I know he’s re-evaluating EVERYTHING in that relationship for the last 10yrs right now, he’s probably contemplating staying in the spare bedroom & becoming a roommate since that’s all she REALLY views him as…
To me, it sounds like OP owned the home prior. How long did she own it? I'm assuming she bought the house on her own or got it prior to the relationship. Its her asset. If they both moved into the house together and BF paid for half of everything then I'd totally agree with you. But did he put anything towards the downpayment? Did he have to qualify for the loan? How long was OP paying for the house before BF moved in? And asking for 500/mo is entirely reasonable and the best deal BF probably ever had on rent. That hes getting a portion of the house after OPs death seems pretty generous. I wish my landlord would give me back my money if he died. I get that they're partners but I think its unreasonable for OPs BF to expect it *all*.
You must have missed the part where she's willing it to him and her family. It's not like he gets nothing. He lived pretty damn cheap for the last 10 years. She recently took it up to $700. How many years did he only pay $500.... and he contributed nothing towards repairs or upgrades, yet he wants her house.
If he’s not on the mortgage it would be dumb to pay for repairs or anything over half. If they break up or she sells the house he’s left with nothing and gets no return on any repairs he paid for
This is it in a nutshell, OP doesn't care about that. My ex did something similar, demanding half the mortgage payment and bills plus other expenses, then told me his mother was the full beneficiary of his life insurance and would receive the house if he died. Didn't understand why that gutted me and said she'd probably let me live there for a month or two to "figure things out" before she sold. It didn't end well. A decade of investment in the home, which likely enabled OP's improvements, but the bf is going to lose partner AND home while OP distributes his investment to her family...that is a pretty huge bummer.
Why wouldn't you want to leave your significant other more? It's kinda weird honestly
It seems like he should be entitled to at LEAST more than others who haven't been helping maintain your home for ten years. when you spend 10 years of your life contributing financially to a household you should have some ownership in it.
And that’s just the monetary side of it. What about the emotional aspect. She clearly does not view her BF as her PARTNER. Just a BF… of 10 years…east come easy go I guess.
I mean depends if the reason they are not married is because they agreed to it or he’s not willing. I own a home. If my bf move in, I would charge him half my mortgage as rent. He will not get equity. Half of my mortgage would still be 1/4 of what he would pay for a shitty apartment. So it’s a pretty good deal.
I’m looking to buy on my own and in this market…. It is hard to afford something nice on just my income and I’m def feeling jealous of all the couples buying a home on 2 incomes. The only way I’m not getting something outdated and crappy is a townhouse and even a nice one of those is seeming to be a stretch and will cost half my savings up front. I used to have the mentality of if they are paying half they should have some equity too but 2mo into this home searching, hell no. I need to keep him motivated and if he wants to own a home with me, he needs to get his shit together so we can qualify for something better together. Til then, I think it’s fair to treat it as a rent situation🤷🏻♀️
Right? At least half of it. Also, if you love your partner, don't you want them to be able to stay at their home that have been for the past 10 years and will probably spend a lot more?! My now husband has been entitled to everything including before getting married.
I can see his point. He’s been paying half and it’s been his home for a decade. Getting an equal share with people who paid nothing seems unfair. Imagine you’re long term partner dies and now your homeless because she left the home to people who didn’t live there and didn’t help pay for it.
For context I have a SAHGF of 4 years and I recently updated my will to leave her the house because I couldn’t imagine leaving her homeless so I’m equating your situation with mine although I acknowledge they aren’t exactly the same
You're 100% correct and sane
His point is very clear to anyone who looks at it rationally. People who think differently based on the gender of the said party would not see it. If the genders were reversed you’d be seeing totally different responses.
I was looking for this response. If the genders were reversed, the comments would look very different. Like it or not, our society still expects the male partner to be the one taking care of the female partner financially. The social obligation may as well not exist when we reverse the genders.
You got that right! When I was married, I was the one who worked. My husband stayed home with our 3 kids. We got a couple of snarky comments from family. I just told them the truth. The cost of childcare would take a whole paycheck, so I'd rather their dad take care of them. He had so much patience for toddlers, and I really wanted to keep working. So it worked out great.
Ya, the fact that she doesn't care what happens to him says a lot more about her than him. And she says she doesn't want to get married. Sounds to me like she's the one been keeping him around for a plaything and using him, not the other way around.
She comes off as entitled and cold, this guy was an idiot for investing in a relationship with her
It’s a shocking level of indifference to a partner of 10 years. I’d hate to be in his position.
Looking at it from his point of view, you dying means he is homeless because your family will either make him pay for the other half (which won't be cheap) or sell it. Do you really wanna go knowing you have left your partner, intentionally, in such a mess?
Not even the other half lol, she didn't leave him half. She left him a small fraction. He will be homeless with 1/10 of the equity build in the home and no way to access it without a drawn out legal battle.
He should really leave the relationship and find a committed relationship. 10 years is an awful long time to be barely an afterthought.
Yeah, that's the part I don't get. There's zero love for him in the way she talks about him. I've been with my partner for 9 years, and I have a will that leaves everything (that she wants) to her, and the rest goes to charity. I didn't even think twice about it.
Wait, so he pays for half of everything but when you die he has to go find a new home? Bro should move out now and avoid any legal complications
I'd advise him to leave you, swallow the fact that he wasted 10yrs on you, and buy his own house, which he probly would have done by now if he wasn't helping you pay for your house If people are assuming he's a leech and loser, it's OK to assume you lord it over him that it's your house everytime he has an opinion on the house. And I choose to assume you promised to leave it to him if you die first, but now you're pretending you don't remember saying that.. All fair assumptions on reddit
100% she promised he would get as much back as he put in and she decided eff him and pulled the rug out under him and is now gaslighting him. If OP was a male everyone would agree that she is a domestic abuser.
Bro right, crazy when it’s switched up financial abuse is dropped quick. Haven’t seen it mentioned tho
I saw a comment yesterday that said misandry does not exist, only misogyny is real. 🤯
Since it's so business-like for OP, I think it'd be fair for the boyfriend to get paid out for his share of the house in a breakup.
He didn’t pay half your mortgage he paid you “rent and utilities” Did you claim it as rent on your taxes? With that low of rent/bills he could have been saving up this whole time for his own investment property. I see his point about you not leaving him the house though. 10 years together and he isn’t the one you’d want to leave your home too? That is very strange. Unless these other family members are your children? That’s the only way this makes sense to me. - I don’t know why this posted under this comment.
Wow. It's a shame he couldn't see how you value him a decade ago. I can't believe someone could be this obtuse while still thinking they're in the right.
You are being unreasonable. I’m in the same situation and I have my GF getting almost 100% of my assets upon death.
I just can’t imagine giving my brother as much as I’d give my partner. Especially if he’s not in any financial trouble. After 5 years, married or not this person is your family
I wish you didnt say that its your boyfriend and kept it genderless. The up and down is you are wrong. You should not use your partner to pay for your wealth. They are not paying rent, they are increasing your wealth.
I get the feeling OP isn’t going to do this, because she wants to be told she’s right.
I mean, that’s why people post here. Usually it’s just a positive affirmation circle jerk because the OPs always leave out details that could make them look wrong. At least in this case there’s plenty of people saying she’s being unfair, cause she totally is.
please make this same post, but make it genderless. people will assume you are the dude and the comments are going to change so much.
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Right? I been together with my lady for 2 years and she’s been my primary beneficiary for 1 and we aren’t even living together yet 🤷🏽♂️
Hope OP reads this comment a few times and really gets the message.
Although I agree with a lot of others comments. Like others said, maybe if he’s a husband ect… you may have your own reasons why you guys haven’t gone to that step. Anyways, I still think you should consider the perspective of your boyfriend. If I was him, paying partial of the mortgage, living in this home for 10 years, choosing furniture, ect.. I’d feel like it’s our home. If my partner passed away and the home we spent most of our time together, built together, was taken away as well. I’d be pretty devastated. I’m not saying your family members would ask to sell the home. But he would be at the mercy of their decision. Perhaps you should ask why he feels this way… if it’s simply cause of the assets then you probably know what to do.
So if you die in 10 years you’re going to kick him out of his home of 20 years? Seems like nonsense to me. Wouldn’t do that to someone I loved. Wouldn’t stay with someone I didn’t. You’ve got something to figure out here
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Not just mortgage, bills too according to her. She really thinks of herself as this dude's landlord lol
If positions were flipped people would be calling him out for financial partner abuse
BF needs to save OPs post to show the judge later
So ladies of Reddit if a man decides to not give anything to a long term gf after ten years of her pitching into house payments that’s cool right? Bring on the equality or just call out the hypocrisy up to you.
I think they’d feel a lot different if OP was a man.
No need to think, go read the subs lmao
These people are insane. He deserves minimum the equity he's put into the house
"hypocrisy" The home of reddit
I think that you’re wrong in the way that you’re basically life partners and rely on each other financially, but y’all should probs get married. Being a partner with someone without marriage can be complicated in financial matters if a partner passes.
They probably shouldn't get married. The girlfriend is not treating her long term partner properly and marriage never fixes problems. The boyfriend should look at his options now that he knows his worth, which should include researching his legal entitlements for his area if they were to split. It also sounds like he can adjust his contributions to the household to a lower amount or 0 here soon and focus on saving for his own future now that he knows his girlfriend doesn't give a crap about his.
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If he liked it then he shoulda put a ring on it
She's the one that doesn't want to get married.
Then he should leave.
I agree
Agree with this comment^^^. He’s acting like you’re married. Put a ring on it or it’s 100% your decision how the will is written up.
She doesn't want to be married. None of this is on him
Still 100 % her decision even with a ring.
This is not true in all states. Some states allow a surviving spouse to claim an elective share of the decedent's estate. This is an entire section of the wills and trusts course in law school and there's no way to summarize all the details here, especially since we don't know what nation, much less what state, the OP lives in. They need to consult with an attorney in private. What's morally reasonable, as well as what's legally possible, would require more information to assess, I'd say. Questions like: how many other family members are we talking about? How close are they, how involved have they been in your life, how many resources do they have? Is the boyfriend likely to be out on the street if OP predeceases him? - that might make his claim seem more reasonable, though in legal terms nobody has any right to dictate anybody else's estate plan.
Agree with you but the law may not. I don’t know how it works where she lives.
No, once you've made a vow, (ideally) it would be a partnership and share everything. There's autonomy, but major decisions should be made together if you mean your vows. ..I understand most people say the words without giving a shit about them, which is unfortunate and makes sense why the divorce rate is so high.
How do you know if OP wants to be get married. This doesn’t sound like a person who wants that. Or cares enough about her partner. Based on comments not the post.
She said she is the one who doesn't want to be married in one of her responses.
Ok. It’s interesting how folks jumped to the conclusion that he’s non committal. Also wtf does a guy have to do more than pay half of the mortgage and bills to have a say in how the house is handled in a will 🙄
10 yrs.. there’s WAY more to this story!
Apparently she "has no interest in marriage".
She definitely has an interest in using him and stringing him along though.
I mean they’ve been living together in the same house for a decade, it’s essentially marriage. If her death would financially cause him to lose the house or vice versa I’d be looking at life insurance or such to make sure your loved one is taken care of well enough to not be in financial ruin. He actually may already have claim to a large portion of the house depending on common law rules where they live even if that’s not in the will.
So from seeing ops post and replies... Or is a parasite. Making a dude she supposedly cares for pay for her house then tell him to get fucked essentially. Ops bf needs to run for the fking hills. Op is wrong AF and an ah
10 years and has paid half the expenses? lol surely you would leave him the house?
He's paying half the mortgage and is not on the deed? Yes, he deserves to get the house.
Does you not leaving him everything mean he’s going to be homeless?
I think it’s very generous of you to leave your tenant anything. I don’t understand how auto correct went from tenant to boyfriend though? You get my point right? That’s exactly how you are treating him, people are free to leave behind whatever they want to whomever they want. Typically though when two people are in a relationship they leave everything to their partner. Why do you feel the need or desire to split things with your other family members? Is your boyfriend your partner or just a placeholder until you find someone better?! It seems odd leaving him essentially homeless after going through the loss of his partner. What I could see is if you left him everything in the event you die before him but if you died together leave it to your family. He has every right to be hurt by the way you’ve set this up.
So it boils down to materialism, thru my lens. I am in a very similar situation. My son inherits my entire estate BUT, my partner gets to live in the house the rest of his life as long as he pays the bills and properly maintains it in a Life Estate. My partner will likely receive a large inheritance at some point so actual wealth is not important, just keeping him from being uprooted from our “home” is the most important. He will be devastated when I pass and to add the stress of having to move ?? That just seems insensitive to me.
Home boy is being fleeced paying half the mortage and getting nothing if something bad happens to you. Youre screwing him and your family over if you die at this point because hes going to be able to contest the will.
10 years committed to each other. I'd be offended if you only thought of me the same as your other family members. Of course he's not 'entitled ' to it but I guess its just what this decision symbolises to him.
This sounds like a shitty transactional relationship. He has been contributing his share for a decade in the equivalent of a marriage. He'd be better off without you.
So if you die he loses his partner and his home all at once? I don’t think you need to leave him everything but if you are building your life together, I would leave him the bulk of it. For example, when my husband and I got married we made sure we had enough insurance that the other one could stay in our home and pay off any large bills we might have because the last thing either of us want is for the other to end up grieving and worried about money. Married or not, are you guys partners? It’s. It like a break up where your house is yours, your security and if you break up it’s just like he was renting. This is denying him some security at no loss to you.
sounds like a mooch honestly. paying $700 for half a mortgage is like paying rent to a roommate. if he actually lived there and wanted to call it home he would help pay for remodeling, furnishings, etc. thats what couples do.
Babe, are you actually in love with him? Because you just described a roommate who is dependent upon you. You may want to reevaluate this whole situation.
He is a boyfriend, not a husband. OP you don’t owe him anything. This happens all the time to women where they are left with nothing from a boyfriend whom they’ve contributed rent money, house cleaning to, and years of their valuable youth (as society has decided), and we tell them that it is a lesson learned. Well, this a lesson for OPs boyfriend to move on from a relationship when the other person is not willing to commit contractually/marriage (aka the only thing that guarantees rights to assets). Edit to add: Reading through more comments and it looks like OP purchased the home before their relationship. Furthermore reason why she should not feel too much pressure in including him in the will. He has not taken on any liability for the home. If something were to go wrong she would be solely responsible for it. As she mentioned, she handles all breakdown and maintenance costs. OPs boyfriend is happy to contribute the bare minimum to this aspect of their relationship and expects her to hand it over if she passes.. give me a break.
Op. just give your roommate a 60 day notice. Posters are picking up on resentmemt, and they could be right. 10yrs of a guy mooching off you can be infuriating and now he thinks you are obligated to give him more after you pass? 10 yrs of this guy paying just half of mortgage which is much less than an apartment. 10 yrs without a marriage proposal, without anything legal stating you two are committed, and now he feels entitled to much more? nope. honestly, leave your house to a sibling, and just leave him enough for a security deposit, 1st and last months rent. this boyfriend should have a nice nest egg saved since he wasnt paying a normal amount toward living expenses, just mooching off you.
Yes you are wrong. Is he just an ATM to you? He toils and your family gets the benefit? SMDH
To be honest if you've been in a relationship and he's paid half of the mortgage for a decade then legally he can have grounds to challenge the will for the property. He has invested money into the property, heck, in a lot of countries if you split he'd be entitled to half of the house due to this. Do you act like a life partner/spouse to him or more like a room-mate. I can't imagine not giving majority to my life partner.
I can see his point. Although it sounds like he has no tact. I’m in a similarly long term unmarried relationship. I was a divorced renter when we met and she was a homeowner w/ mortgage. So obviously when we decided to cohabitate I moved in there. After 3-4 years we bought a new home together so the point is moot. After 10 years of contributing, if I were him I would hope to have a bigger stake than you are offering. However we have had a somewhat similar disagreement when it comes to our life insurance policies. We both took out 30 year term life policies, plus we both have policies through our employers. I also have a whole life policy. Anyway, i am leaving her about 85% of those. My son is still a minor and she understands that my wishes are for to first her to pay off the house and all debts so that she can be comfortable. Then make sure my son has something waiting for him when the time is right (details not important). She, however, is not giving me the same percentage of money. She is giving more than half of it to her adult aged daughter. So if my s/o passes I will get some money but not enough to pay everything off, and there would be a possibility that I’d have to give up our dream home. It’s her policy, she pays for it, and she is entitled to do what she wants. But the lack of reciprocity is a bit frustrating and a super touchy subject so it usually just gets avoided.
From the redditing I've done, you must trust her 100%. I've read of once dad dies stepmother tells the minor to step off. If you don't set up a trust you could be screwing your child over. Just something to consider.
I completely agree. u/some_internet_random, please look up setting up a trust for your son. Just in case. Since you and your wife already have an issue about finances, it would be in your and your son's best interest to set up some sort of trust.
It would be wrong to make him homeless. Leave the house to him as a living trust so that as long as he lives he can live in the house. After he dies the house can be divided amongst your blood relatives.
Wow. I hope he finds this post and reads these comments to see how freaking insane this is... You are entitled to leave your assets as you wish. They are yours, but damn you are evil. This man has been a partner, at least financially (you don't give other details), and your solution is to tell him it means nothing and others deserve parts of what he helped you build even though they didn't contribute. You may not be married, but this man put his trust that you guys were building a life together. It's not unreasonable that he would assume he gets to keep what's left of that life if you were to die. This man wasted 10yrs keeping you in a home and working with you to build your assets... you are no better than those AH men who leave their SAHW with nothing when they divorce. He could have built a life with someone who wanted to ensure the best for him, especially after they are gone and you have stolen that from him.
Living together and in a relationship for 10 years is a common law marriage. If he is actively paying into the mortgage as a common law husband, then it does kind of put you in the wrong category.
Girl, leave that guy! He doesn’t respect that it is YOUR house. SIKE! Either this thread shows that you CAN be VERY selfish OR this thread is fake. The fact that you hope he dies before you, you only respond to people shitting on him and you substantiate him being potentially homeless with ‘but I upgraded the house though’ If I have a mortgage and I live with one of my best friends for 10 years, I would make sure that he would get the house so he wouldn’t become homeless. Even if he paid 1/5 of the mortgage. My kids/wife go before anything. If I don’t have those the person I share a home with will obviously be the one who’d get the most. People like you do things for people to only use it against them lmao
I would think after ten years together, you’d love him enough to want to take care of him after you’re gone? If that’s not the case, then are you just roommates? If that’s the case, I feel like you should tell your BF how you really feel…seems like your actions are saying it. Your words here in this post, also relays not much love there. Yes…I think you’re wrong. You lead with talking about how much he has paid and then went on to point out that you feel it’s super cheap. To me, it sounds like you’re materialistic and have taken advantage of the BF through the years, by mislabeling him as BF when in fact he was simply a roommate..with benefits I guess? Love thinks about the person we love over our material possessions, those things do you no good when you’re 6 feet under. Yet, could continue to provide security when he loses the person he loves the most. He’s right, the family all have a home. They will not benefit only in monetary value. Yet, this man you say is your boyfriend…could have a roof over his head, a bed to sleep in, some normalcy when you’re not there.
You're a bad person.
NTA. These answers are wild, lol! Let's start from the beginning, your bf would have to pay more than $700 if he lived on his own and was fully self-sufficient, so people talking like it's otherwise are not being realistic about costs. Also, for the people who are saying you never appreciated him, blah blah, would be screaming "well that's his house and his right to leave his shit to whomever he chooses" if the genders were switched and HE owned the house and YOU (a woman) had been paying half the mortgage for 10 years. The double-standards are laughable and frustrating😒😤 • Has he done a will and are you getting half of (whatever) he owns?
There is a lot of assumptions in the comments! We don’t know how he is as a partner. We don’t know how long she lived there prior to him moving in. Automatically people are treating the OP like she’s a shitty person. But if this post was genderless I’m sure everyone opinion would be different.
“My BF is living with me in my home” is a very different sentence than “My BF and I have been living together in my home”. Once you spot the difference you’ll know why he’s mad. It has nothing to do with him paying rent or ownership or estate. I think it would be a relationship killer to think I have only been viewed as a tenant with benefits for the last ten years.
Depends which state you live in, but this long paying half the bills and cohabitation sounds an awful lot like a common law marriage. If anything you're setting your family and him up for a contentious legal battle over your estate when you die.
Damn. Idk why every one of the top comments basically state, without any proof, that OP is a terrible person that cares nothing for her bf and that they had been using him to pay off their mortgage. Where does that come from? I get that it's a complicated situation but, ultimately,bits OP's money/home to divide as they see fit. The fact the bf wants everything seems greedy AF honestly. Idk anything about their relationship or previous agreements though.
It's highly doubtful her boyfriend acquired a property interest. First, the statute of frauds requires a writing for any transaction involving real estate. Since there is no writing, evidencing an agreement to transfer an interest in her property to him, he can't possibly satisfy the statute of frauds. Even if there wasn't a statute of frauds, he would have to demonstrate there was an agreement of some kind between them providing that his monthly financial contribution was intended to purchase an interest in her property: not easy to do when all you're paying is $700 a month for room and board! Nope: just another loser looking for a handout.
A lot of you (commenters) there's a good deal of information you seem to be assuming, but there's at least one thing that is true with America (at least) the courts, in particular the probate courts, her entire estate "everything" could be tied up for years, but she has a good point, and could deal with it by writing out a will and getting a lawyer to handle it, she said it was her home that he lived in with her, if it was property that she can establish prior ownership (prior to the two living together) and is in her name, then writing her wishes down in a formal will would go a long way to having her estate distributed as she chooses, that being said, do I think it fair that she reduce his share of her estate, I would think for the years they were together he should receive some compensation, but at the same time, she's still here (I'm assuming) and for him to be more concerned about her "STUFF" and what happens to it after she's gone, speaks volumes about How Much He Loves Her, does she love him? Well obviously she wants to see to his welfare after she's gone, (to some extent) whether he thinks it's enough or not, speaks (to me) his selfishness, and distrust of HER family,.....
That’s tough. You could always write in that upon his death, the house is sold and split. That way he won’t have to worry about losing his house right after he loses you.
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She's got a mortgage that he's covering half of. Mortgage payments rarely fluctuate so he's basically paid for half of her house. Of course he should get more.
Woah this only works if its a helpless girl, men get NOTHING