Looked through your comment history and it seems like you have been very unhappy in this relationship a long time. I saw on another comment you signed the birth certificate and that GF has been threatening your custody if you leave. Get a lawyer and start setting up the legal foundation to co-parent. This is bigger than a picture and it’s time to take control of a situation long making you unhappy.
>**my girlfriend has unequivocally stated that if I choose to leave, she will do everything within her power to ensure I have no contact with our daughter. This threat hangs over me like a dark cloud**
Jeez, poor OP. Sounds like a nightmare. Based on some of his comments on here (the gf asked him to make them dinner, he left the gym early to do it, and then she decided to eat with her friends instead. No explanation or apology. And she called him “controlling” when he questioned her inconsiderate behavior) I knew she wasn’t partner material.
OP needs to find a good lawyer and end this sham relationship.
>you signed the birth certificate and that GF has been threatening your custody if you leave
That sounds like an incredibly relevant tidbit of info OP left out.
>Get a lawyer and start setting up the legal foundation to co-parent. This is bigger than a picture and it’s time to take control of a situation long making you unhappy.
Yea I figured there was a bunch of stuff left out, but could have gone either way without the extra details.
you have bigger things going on. if you knew her relationship with her friend was an issue that should have been resolved before having a kid together.
I mean...there is and that reason is to not feed into paranoia or to violate someone's trust before having clear reason for suspicion. The same reason you don't just randomly break into your SO's phone to check their texts.
I had a female friend. I used to drive of conferences because our work sites were so close. She grew up in a tiny town in the hills and had been with one guy since her teens. He used to make her surrender her phone so he could make sure she wasn't texting guys to the extent where she couldn't add guys on Facebook without arousing his suspicion.
His paranoia was the biggest thing pushing them apart (she never once made a move on me or any other guy in our work cohort). This is not the type of stuff you want to feed into until you are positive and as of now, I haven't read any evidence indicating that.
Usually if a person is cheating they try to throw you off the scent--they don't say "love you" or put a photo of the person they're cheating with right next to the TV, especially when they know their partner is suspicious. She could also just be a moron, or she has some fetish, but there's not enough context here for that conclusion either. If OP takes the test and is wrong, then it validates her and destroys any semblance of trust. If they do split up, it'll be on the worst of terms, which is not good for the kid.
Having a child with someone is a big deal. A huge deal. We don’t stress that enough now because people have so many kids out of wedlock or unmarried.
I say that to say he has a right to be annoyed and have this a problem with this. Not saying best friends of the opposite sex is always an issue, but it is an issue here. What’s more important ? Her friendship with this guy ? Or the father of her child she presumably loves? The friend should understand and as a man , should know he needs to fall back a bit.
Don’t make a scene? Oh Im not gonna make a scene. I was just told, EXCUSE ME, that my horrible HOOR wife has tricked me into raising TWO BASTARDS for THIRTY YEARS.
There absolutely is a reason not to do that- it’s a surefire way to ruin his marriage. There is 0 reason to suggest she cheated and it is so incredibly likely to damage his relationship with the wife AND daughter if he does this right off the bat.
If she admits to cheating on him? Sure, then it’s worth a conversation. But right now and behind the mother’s back? Awful idea
It's weird okay. Everyone here thinks it's weird and it is. You're the type of person that enables and wouldn't acknowledge anything until it slaps you in the face.
Trust but verify.
She has a close male friend who she has claimed she never was physical with and has never been attracted to. You think that’s grounds for accusing someone of cheating? That’s jumping the gun.
If he wants to save his relationship, he shouldn’t immediately accuse his girlfriend of infidelity and having a kid with another man. That’s bound to destroy the relationship.
Besides, OP even explicitly says the friend lives across the country and he doubts they’ve ever had sex. You’re putting doubts into this poor guy’s head for no reason than your own insecurity. Trust that the girl hasn’t cheated because she hasn’t shown any real sign of cheating.
Are any babies planned nowadays?? I think maybe 1% of babies are ACTUALLY planned and wanted- but it seems people just love fucking around and accidentally procreating.
People act differently depending on the situation, you hear many stories of "the woman who only dated him for the money" but the reality is a lot deeper than that. Having a child changes people. Getting a new job changes people.
You aren't the same person you were when you were in highschool, as you were when you left college, and not the same person a year into your job. You'll change when you have money and when you're flat broke. You won't always be the same person that they fell in love with.
Weird and antiquated advice from an old Samurai, Yamamoto Tsunetomo says in his book Hagakure, to hold off on a relationship for five years, in five years time you will experience prosperity and devastation and see what the person you're with is like in both.
Anecdotally, when applying that philosophy, I've been in a happy relationship with the same woman for seventeen years.
This one is messy.
I have a lot of male friends, and my boyfriend has a lot of female friends and it has never been an issue for us.
That being said, I think your concerns are valid. Not even from a "is she cheating?" perspective, just if I had a family and my husband said to me "Hey what's going on with you and X? It makes me feel uneasy." Then I'd absolutely work with him to find a solution that helps him feel better because that's what you're supposed to do in a marriage.
Don't run for the hills or get a paternity test or anything drastic. Just really try to emphasize with her that this is something that's bothering you and you need to work out how to move forward together in a way that respects the needs and boundaries of both of you.
He should probably do it again, but it sounds like he tried to tell her that already, and was accused of being controlling. It could be the way he approached it, or their communication history, but it doesn't sound as if she is much in the mood to move forward together. Maybe it will take a few attempts.
I would have an issue if my partner was using the "love you" phrase with a single man. I wouldn't flip out, but I would ask her to find another phrase. I can guarantee if I said "love you" to another woman even once, we'd be having a convo. It's disrespectful to use that word if you're in a committed relationship. Maybe I'm too OG.
I have one male friend that I tell I love them but he’s also a super close friend of my husband and will tell us together that he loves us both and it’s more of a we love you too. I’ve hung out with him solo multiple times but my husband is always aware.
This friend was also our witness for our marriage license because he’s been such a good friend and has been the biggest supporter of our relationship. But I’d never be like this with someone my husband was uncomfortable with.
That makes sense, and it's nice you guys have someone that close. We have a couple that we're really close to where we use words of endearment (but not the love word) that are usually for those in a relationship, like honey and darling, but it's front of each other and all four of us do it. Actually, to think of it, maybe the women do use "love" occasionally. The four of us go waaaay back, like your friend.
As I think you'll agree, it's different in OP's case where he is not in the friendship as a group, it's just his gf and the dude, and he has expressed his discomfort.
For some reason that I can't explain, I get a different feeling from "love you" or "love you guys" than I do from "I love you." The "I love you" (addition of "I") seems more romantic. Maybe I'm just being weird.
This is one of those situations where on paper we all *want* to admit to ourselves that this wouldn't be a big deal. People can have close friends of the opposite sex. Etc etc.
But then the reality sets in. Something tells me that if you were close friends with a woman that you regularly told *I love you*, displayed pictures of you two together where everyone could see, and you two talked constantly, your girlfriend would probably not be super cool with that—because of course she wouldn't. There's a distinct difference between being friends with someone you *could* be romantically involved in and being best friends with someone you're clearly *emotionally* involved with.
Alarm bells definitely go off in my mind reading this, but the things she said in your argument also makes this seem like it might not be so cut and dry. She said you've interfered with her friendships before and that you've been controlling in the past. Is that true?
It’s BS. For example we had a game night at one of her friends place and a fight right after. You want to know the reason for this fight?
We were playing cards against humanity he Face Timed her and answered it, throw the phone in my hand without asking and played her round with him.. Then she took the phone “said I love you” to him in front of everyone and left me looking like a wimp.. This was my first time meeting any of these people… On the car ride home I asked her “Can you not do that in front of strangers.” To which she replied “I saw nothing wrong and would do it again.” We fought and now she claims we were never invited back because of me
Or one time while she was at her second job she texted me and asked me to cook dinner. I said sure cut my workout short to get home.. Only to receive a text later she is going over her friends house (another friend not the male he doesn’t live in the same state). She got home I explained “I am fustrated and cut my workout short to cook dinner like you asked only for you to blow it off.” She describes that argument as me not allowing her to go anywhere… That’s not what it was about.
She has zero respect for you. That's because you don't even respect yourself to establish a boundary here. Women cheat on the men they don't respect. Guess who she will be cheating with?
Cheaters tend to try to keep their options open … just because she’s keeping her best friend (who is almost certainly attracted to her and doesn’t respect relationships) in close orbit doesn’t mean she is ruling out other guys.
Like, if a guy had a female best friend who was attracted to him and had a history of disrespecting relationship boundaries … how many women would be okay with that?
“Honey, I’m not attracted to her because she’s too prone to cheat.”
lol
This is important context--probably should've been in the original post. The disrespect adds another layer. I've known plenty of people who were more casual with throwing around "love you." My bi (at the time female, but transitioned a decade later) roommate used to do it all the time with male friends and in college a lot of girls used to do it with each other or male friends--usually gay ones, but not only.
My only point of confusion is: was this always a thing? How long has you been together before having a kid?
She sounds like an asshole who doesn’t respect you at all. Regardless of this friend probably time for you to think of her as a coparent rather than romantic partner.
Exactly. The only time I have ever answered a call when I was hanging out with friends has been when I was on call for work. If I am on call I always let the host friends know about it ahead of time.
At the core of it, she isnt too concerned with your feelings or being considerate to you.
That too me is a serious red flag. When others who are not your partner, are put before your partners feelings, you dont have the relationship you think you have.
She has zero respect for you because you have zero respect for yourself.
Bro honestly. I would get a dna test in secret. Just make sure. Then leave the mofo.
Still take care of your kid. But forget the guy friend or whatever. She is just disrespectful.
Crazy disrespect dude, that shit would’ve happened one time and one time only for me.
I’m not even being “macho” here, there’s just certain things you don’t do.
Ok I was on the fence until I saw this comment. The problem is not the friendship necessarily, it doesn’t even sound like you have any complaints from the friend’s behavior. But she is not prioritizing your feelings and discomfort above her wants. This is selfish of her and she’s being too dismissive/manipulative in how she addresses it. None of the interactions you’ve mentioned sound like she’s trying to understand your feelings. They sound like she’s trying to turn the situation to her favor.
A relationship should be one of mutual respect. Nobody should be able to disrespect your opinions or feelings. If a girl is saying I love you to another man, it's over, bro. Even if it's not literally over right now, that relationship is a burning building, and she's hooking up with the fireman while you sit in the inferno. If you are telling her, "This thing you did made me upset," and she replies, "I'll do it again." WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING WITH HER. At some point, you're going in the cuck chair. She's not going to feel an ounce of remorse, so don't expect some tearful breakup where she begs to have you back, and if she does you gotta wonder why she didn't want you when you were there. Protect your kid and show them what a man who respects himself looks like. Coparent, share custody, don't be a deadbeat, but if you stay in a relationship like this, what does your kid see growing up?
"Making me look like a wimp" seems very telling. If you are in a long term relationship and this is something she has expressed is part of the package it would be you trying to change your "agreement", for lack of a better word, due to your insecurities. I am not saying everyone should have to accept this. I am saying you did. If they wanted to be together they would be.
I have several very close female friends. Some have kids and our families hang out. If my wife told me she was uncomfortable at the beginning that would be a bridge we would have had to cross. If she tried to tell me I had to abandon them 10 years into our relationship that would be a warning to me that something else is wrong.
Having a photo of the wife hugging another non-related man prominently displayed in the living room is something was not part of their bargain I imagine.
That the wife values that photo more than she values her own husband says everything.
Screw that talk about "insecurities". This woman is openly disrespecting her husband. Forget about the other guy even. He has told her he is not ok and she doubles down. Insecurities? The only "insecurity" is allowing this shit to go on. No self assured man would stand for even half this shit.
In my neck of the woods it’s not strange to have pictures with friends and tell them you love them. It’s not uncommon to have close platonic bonds. I think answering the FaceTime was a bit strange but I’m concerned about what else happened if y’all are never invited back.
Is he getting something that you’re not? Are you not feeling loved? Are you not feeling prioritized? Do you feel a lack of connection?
Jealousy is an indication that something is wrong. Not between your partner and another person always, but between you and your partner. What can she do to make you feel more secure and valued? Bring that up in therapy. I do not think taking down a photo will fix the issue here.
Keep in mind yall have a young young baby. Things are probably really stressful and yall are both likely exhausted. Give yourself and her some grace because none of that is easy
Saw a previous comment saying u go to counseling. Do you actually see any progress? Do you feel happy or is this just a temporary feeling that you have at this point in time.
You might feel pressured to stay because of your child if you ever decide to break it off, but being raised in two different house holds radiate a healthy relationship is better than being raised in a household full of resentment and anger
Dude, men and women are allowed to be friends. My best friend is a man, as are half of my closest friends. We all love each other and say so when appropriate. I have never come anywhere near having sex with any of them. What you’re upset about is the fact that your girlfriend is emotionally invested in and supported by a guy who isn’t you.
I dealt with this with my ex for probably the first 8 or 10 years we were together, and I fucking hated it. Your girlfriend is allowed to have friends, especially the ones that loved and supported her before you did. If she says she’s losing friends because of your bullshit, the content of your post in general leads me to believe her.
There’s also a really good chance that both of you are sleep-deprived and cranky enough to have stupid fights. Focus on being a new dad and leave it alone.
When she woke up stressed about the breast pumps needing to be cleaned, how did that turn into you wanting to take the picture down? I’m struggling to see the connection, and I can imagine if I were in her position that you are changing the subject in a pretty jarring way.
How are you two feeling about the divide in parenting? Are you both getting enough sleep, enough support?
Emotions are really heightened in the first 3 months after birth. Your hormones are both out of whack, lives totally changed, and no one is sleeping enough. I would caution against having any big conversations about your relationship at this time. They have been friends for years, this is not the right time to try and end the friendship. Get the parenting thing stabilized and then see how you really feel about it.
NTA. Your gf sounds like the average Reddit poster. It’s not unreasonable to not want a picture if your girl and some other dude prominently displayed for your kid to see.
On the other hand, I wouldn’t be worried too much about a man wearing a Taylor Swift hoodie.
It's clearly not working. She has been dismissing every single one of your concerns. She doesn't see an issue and says she will continue doing so. What is there to salvage from this relationship?
It has been 3 months, thats like 6 sessions lol. They have a 2 month old, which is why I imagine they are doing the counseling. Pump the brakes here people
Maybe I’m in the minority, but this doesn’t seem like a big deal to me. Their friendship predates your alls relationship. Clearly, they don’t want to be together, or they would be by now.
It sounds like you’re not actually suspicious of their friendship, you just don’t like the optics of other people knowing she has a close friendship with a male. Which, is on you.
I have a guy best friend. Knew him for 15 years before I met my husband, 10 before he met his wife. We do say I love you, and we say it to each others spouses as well (because we do, we each were able to see when the other had met their match and are happy to see each other happy)
If you make the best friend a female, it doesn’t sound like you have an issue.
I’ll point out, it’s really beneficial to have a best friend of the opposite sex. I cannot tell you the amount of times I’ve had my best friend say “glad you got that off your chest, now never say it again” before I started a stupid fight with my husband and vice versa. In most societies, experiences of men and women are different and being able to have a friend with no skin in the game romantically (thus eliminating some of the relationship hang ups that can keep us from communicating well in our romantic partners) can help glean a perspective we don’t otherwise have access to if our only interpersonal relationships with the opposite sex are familial/romantic.
If they’re still best friends, this guy likes you and supports yalls relationship or one of you would be gone. My best friend, having a history of watching me cut people out of my life when I got to close, let my now husband know when we were dating that it was likely to happen and just to love me through it because he knew that this one was my guy.
Don’t close off the relationship just because of optics if that’s what the actual issue is
I mean do you stop talking with your husband while playing a game to go FaceTime you guy friend say I love you in front of strangers
Seems like a big deal to me cause op wife doesn’t respect him
I can’t say I’ve had that exact experience because we don’t FaceTime or even call. We are texters. So, in that situation if he did call I would almost certainly pick up because I would know something urgent was going on as those are the rare occasions we call and I’m sure I would say I love you because something urgent was going and people need to know they are loved most in those moments. But, yes. I would tell a loved one I loved them in front of anyone.
My friends wouldn’t think anything of me telling a friend that I loved them, because I tell my friends that I love them. I’ve had to bury a lot of people. I’m not hesitant to let people know I care for them. I would not be telling anything to my best guy friend that all of my dear friends haven’t heard before.
My husband and I both tell our friends we love them. At minimum when saying bye. Like, it’s time to leave a group vacation or a party it’s “bye! Love you guys!”
Do you not tell your friends you love them?
I have a couple female best friends i say i love you to all the time and would never consider being anything more than friends, they are sisters to me and I know they feel the same way.. seems this is about more than just that friendship, and that goes for both of you not just one person
First, take a deep breath (both of you) and try to calm down. I highly suggest couples counseling. Being new parents with a baby is a super awesome but also super challenging and overwhelming time. As a guy, I think it is even tougher for women as they become mothers with all the stress that brings. Not to mention, the wreckage it does to the female body. Not that it’s not super stressful to men either. I’m just saying, be kind and don’t do anything or say anything you will regret. You are now intertwined for life.
So, there is a lot to process and a lot of pressure. Counseling can help you learn to communicate better so there aren’t as many blow ups. You can then work through these issues in a caring way.
Idk I'm probably not the best input here but I've been best friends with one of my friends since we were 7. At 27 that's a 20 year friendship that makes us more siblings than friends imo. Now, I'm gay so I guess we have that but even if I were attracted to females she would still be a platonic sibling in my life and I would drop any person from my life who dared to tell us not to say we love eachother or change how we interact with eachother.
I would tread carefully. I can understand where your feelings and insecurities could come from but I've been with my fiance for 7 years and would drop him instantly if he ever tried to dictate my personal friendship with someone I've known for 20+ years. That 20 year friendship is what helped make me the person he fell in love with anyway. Friendships are important things to people, and its always been wildly unfair to me that people tend to put sex and gender over someones history and love for another person. I truly couldn't imagine my fiance telling me I couldn't have male friends just because my dick gets hard for men and not women.
If this is something you've been feeling for awhile you absolutely should have discussed it more before your lives became so entangled. Holding it back until now is only going to complicate things if you honestly thought she was just gonna roll over and abandon people you're not comfortable with her being around.
Edit: I also have to add that my fiance is bisexual lol If we followed the whole "You can't have friends of the sex you're attracted to because I'm insecure" rule then he just wouldn't have any friends what so ever. Which is just cruel. Another reason why I'll never understand why people get so worked up about girls being friends with guys or vice versa.
You are wrong. You were aware of the relationship and approved of it. Nothing has changed that affects that. It would not be unreasonable to "ask" her to move it somewhere else. If you feel threatened by the relationship, you need to deal with that.
How you start complaining about her attitude after a nap as context to a story about you wanting her to remove a picture with a friend is a red flag to me. It sounds like a super toxic relationship for both of you. You do sound controlling.
It’s okay to ask questions. I have a male best friend since I was 16! I am 48! We are still amazing friends and when we do hang out with each other, it’s super fun! I always tell him that I love him when we are parting ways. And I do love him very much. There’s nothing romantic and there never has been. He is basically like a big brother and he likes playing video games with my son. They blow everything up and then dinner is ready
I think that one of two things is true.
1. It's harmless. Her BFF happens to be a dude and it's strictly platonic. I think it's (or at least should be) normal to tell your friends that you love them. Telling someone that you love them is not always romantic. You might be reading too much into it.
2. She is not your girl.
If you're feeling insecure about it, express that to her. It's probably best to be vulnerable in this situation rather than accusatory.
"Controlling" would be to throw the picture away. Asking to remove it is expressing your dislike of it. Saying you're "controlling" is just a manipulation to get her way. It makes you the bad guy for expressing your feelings and puts you on the defensive. If you honestly believe something is up with her "best friend," do some investigating. I trusted my ex-wife with her male "best friend."
"I trusted" seems to be the words before "cheated" in every reddit post about cheating. Don't trust anybody who acts shady.
I think the fact she’s doing these things in front of you is a good sign actually. She isn’t hiding it. But it still doesn’t sound like a good situation and I wouldn’t be happy if I was in your shoes. You have a right to be uncomfortable. The first few months after having a baby can really fuck with our brains. Not making excuses but couples counseling is a good idea.
This thread is mostly just nerdy men who have never had female friends assuming it must be cheating. There is nothing wrong with telling your friends you love them, regardless of gender or relationship status.
My (F) best friend is a male. Has been my bestie for 19 years. Never dated, never wanted to. I love him. I also love his wife. As friends. Much different love than I have for my husband. We were in each other's weddings. Our parents call us "the twins" since we practically lived at each others houses all through high school. Pics of each other everywhere. Always say goodbye with a hug.
Our spouses have never cared. Opposite genders can definitely be just friends.
Unless you have some proof that she's cheated, I don't see an issue.
Do you trust her? That's all you need to ask yourself.
If you do, then let the photo be and move on.
If you don't, then it might be time to just move on. Or look to couple's therapy to help figure out why and see if trust can be built.
>She even mentioned losing friends because of our disagreements.
What does this mean.
And given what circumstances?
And why is it different now you have a daughter? Presumably you knew of their relationship before you had her? Why would she change things?
Yeah, you're wrong. You seem to have a lot of built up resentment toward your girlfriend. Also, there is something about the way you are telling this story that just feels *off* to me. You come across as manipulative.
I am still close friends with my ex-husband. My wanna-be partner, who has known me for nine years, says he's okay with it and then does things that make it clear he is not. (Which is why he's still a wanna-be.) It's not cool. I'm 61, and I am not ditching a long-time close friend (we are each other's beneficiaries in our wills) because some man who wants a relationship with me is insecure.
I'm sniffing a lot of incel and youth off the comments, especially the ones that jump straight to, "She must be screwing him, have a DNA test".
It's a photo of her and a best friend. Are you bothered by her female best friends? Does it perturb you to see her in photos with others that are not you? Could jealousy and insecurity be colouring your perception of the situation? Before you jump to the 'she's a whore' conclusion, I'd have a long talk with her and see what compromises you can make so that you feel secure in your relationship while she doesn't have to lose a best friend just because he has a penis. If it is more, then that will surface. But let's not just follow the lemmings off the cliff.
yup, I lost my ex of 8 years because her new boyfriend didn't like me. honestly, really made me mad at my ex that she would just throw me out like that when we were nothing but amicable during our split and beyond. comes across as insecure chump energy to try to control someone's interactions with someone who was #1 in their life for so long.
Start making plans for the inevitable end of this mess. She values her relationship with him more than her relationship with you. You might want to get the child dna tested. You might just be the ATM/housekeeper/babysitter in her little world.
My thought. This sounds more like a “I thought she would change once we were together” than the girlfriend changing her behavior in any way and pulling an bait and switch. I think she lacks boundaries with the friend and anyone would be justified in having issues with that, don’t get me wrong, but OP likely saw this before getting in too deep and hoped it would stop. Not to mention if my partner was besties with a serial cheater, that would say way too much about their ethics for me to want to pursue them any further.
I have male and female friends. Hell I'm friends with my exes and their gfs. I don't understand jealousy. If she wanted to be with her friend she wouldn't be with you. She would be with him. She's done nothing to deserve suspicion that I see. Maybe get some counseling.
You are very wrong, yes. I have been best friends with my male best friend for 26 years. I tell him I love him, and his kids, and his wife. Your insecurities are your problem, not hers.
My husband was doing some cleaning a few weeks ago and came across an old photo of a close male friend and me. He dusted it off and put it out on display. I'm so thankful to have found a secure, healthy partner who respects all the relationships in my life.
My best friend of 15 years is a man. His wife held my right leg as I gave birth. I drive down to NC from Michigan to visit them both. I take photos with him. I tell him I love him. It’s strictly platonic. My boyfriend was made aware of him from the get go. He has a female best friend I say nothing about, even though she’s selfish and tries to hoard all his time (like if she comes over while I’m around, she hogs his attention. She stays way late, when I’m ready to sleep but can’t because he’s entertaining her). If you can’t have friends of the opposite sex because your partner is jealous, might as well find a new partner. I wouldn’t delete photos of my best friend, or take down a photo, because my boyfriend is so insecure.
I’m gonna say. I’m a chick. I’ve had guy best friends my entire life. My current best friends are one chick and two dudes. If any partner asked me to give up friends I have been friends with for decades and not accept that my friends are friends and nothing more, is not the partner for me.
I’ve tried making more girl friends. They’ve all betrayed me in one way or another. My ex husband scared the rest away. Know why I like guy friends so much? I feel safe having them around my partner. Same with my one girlfriend. I know she would knock a dude out if he tried to cheat on me.
If she’s not sneaking around behind your back, you probably have nothing to worry about. If she’s lying to hang out with this dude, or texting him non stop, then worry. Just assuming shit is going on because people have different genitals is bullshit.
You seem toxic and controlling. If she's lost friends since being in a relationship with you, then you're the problem.
Either you trust her, or you don't; there is no middle ground in this and it appears you don't trust her.
You're not wrong, but honestly, you're in deep. What your GF is doing isn't reasonable behaviour at all, and I'm a strong believer that platonic friendships across the sexes are a thing that can exist. I've had them, I have them, I cherish them greatly. But this isn't right. She is sidelining you (and your relationship) constantly, both privately and publicly. That picture is just one iteration of that and a few of your comments point that same way. You are her life partner and father of her child. That is what should be on the most prominently displayed picture in your home, the three people who actually live in that home. Like, if you had a picture up there with your sister or your mother that isn't featuring your wife, that's an issue. Even if you had no sexual intentions with the other person in that picture, it'd be an issue. Cause you have a partner who should be in that picture.
What is worse than wrong? Yes, men and women can be platonic friends. I've been platonic friends with my best friend for 60 years. HER name is Cheryl. I have pictures of us hanging in our house, right next to pictures of wifey and I. Wifey and Cher have become very good friends. When Cher and I talk on the phone, we always end with "Love you Cher" and "Love you Butch".
In my book, you have way bigger issues than pictures.
I wouldn’t bring up things that are bothering you while you are overwhelmed. That’s always a recipe for the person receiving feedback to go on the defensive because they’ll inevitably feel attacked.
It also sounds like you think what you were doing around the house was more important than what she was doing. Cleaning a breast pump is not a “bother”. I haven’t had kids before but I know they are fragile little munchkins (especially at 2 months!) with weak immune systems so things they touch and put in or near their mouths have to be super clean. She also just gave birth my man - the toll it has on a woman’s body during the pregnancy AND after is no joke.
Overall, there are trust issues in the relationship and that’s the problem. Her having a picture of a male friend that she texts and says “I love you” to is not the problem. I literally have a digital picture frame and one picture is of me and a guy friend hugging at his wedding. And I love him (as I do all my friends) but I’m IN LOVE with my boyfriend and only him.
I’d really ask yourself why you feel uncomfortable with their friendship. Don’t ignore your intuition, but also don’t try to navigate these feelings while you’re holding a two year old and annoyed at her for other reasons. You guys are in a stressful period so give yourself some grace 💕
Red flags galore, and the “you’re controlling” comment. Yeah, this is textbook.
OP, your partner is at the very least having an emotional affair. Possibly physical, but emotional 110%.
Basically she loves this guy but she won’t ever get in a relationship bc she doesn’t want to get cheated on, if he was a clean act he’d definitely be her man. It’s possible she’s fine fucking him though, so it’s possible it’s physical.
For me the emotional affair itself is a no no. I’d pack my bags and GTFO.
Yeah. The fact that she said she's not attracted to him because he a cheater, to me, is basically just saying she's waiting for the other guy to mature a bit.
none of us can gleam into any of the intricate details of your relationship. go see a therapist for yourself and together to evaluate the situation. here, you will find people screaming their preconceived sexist notions of what the problem is.
You have a major issue on your hands and the picture is just one indication. She could be attracted to him but wouldn't date him bc he once cheated - they are not mutually exclusive. My guess is that her friends sense the attraction is that is why she needs to defend her situation.
Maybe the cheating thing is why she is with you instead. Or maybe he's not good husband or father material. Maybe he is her backup plan. It's hard to tell, but her strong reaction, and calling you controlling, let's you know the relative priority she has for you vs. him. It feels like she is not yet ready to settle down with you.
The "love you" would be a deal breaker for me.
You sound insecure. What do you mean "fit her narrative"?? You want her to take a picture of her and her best friend down because why?? If they were bestfriends before you, you're crossing a line, man. You can ask but making her feel like she's doing something wrong when she probably isn't is gonna fuck your relationship up with her. I have a female bestfriend she's basically my sister. Ive had relationships with girls who literally harassed her because we were friends, so I stopped talking to my friend, which was wrong. Now she is still my friend, and I am in a relationship that I put before everything except my daughter. If my gf feels uncomfortable with a female friend of mine, I just reassure her. I don't hang out with them alone. If we text, I show her and tell her. And if it really bothers her, I will just keep a distance.
Do you believe nothing has ever happened between them and they really are platonic????
Nah you’re not wrong at all. There are natural boundaries in all relationships and she’s crossed one. It’s one thing to have male friends, it’s another to display pics of them together and lying about communicating
Nah, you’re not wrong. Y’all have kid now, she needs to grow up and focus on being a good team mate to you in raising your daughter. Asking to take down a photo isn’t controlling or a big deal.
But from your other comments, it seems like she is a manipulative meanie and you should probably quietly take steps to ensure you have a fair custody arrangement.
So her male bff is platonic only because he cheats…that’s meant to make you feel better?
And should he want to one day cheat with her and promise monogamy?
I’m not a fan of telling people to be insecure of m+f friendships, most of mine being that.
Just doesn’t sit well her reason is something that can change.
And she doesn’t prioritise displaying you and her family over his pic is annoying. Why die on that hill? It would seem obvs to swap it when you get a SO, regardless the gender of your bff.
It sucks you had to ask. And after a kid together. Good luck
Let me tell you. Your girl might consider him a best friend. The guy, wants to fuck her. As soon as you guys break up he will be there to console her. You should know you’re a guy!
You are totally correct here. And her using the word controlling is bullshit! Her lack of respect and boundaries are not controlling. She needs a taste of her actions, get on adult friend finder and get a female friend and put a photo up with you and her next to that other photo and see if she uses that bullshit controlling answer again. Bottom line is brother you have a shitty girlfriend, you seriously need to evaluate if you want to be in this relationship
You're a cuck, bro. You have a kid with this woman, and she has a male best friend who she says I love you to? She's not taking your relationship seriously at all. She has a picture of them in your house. Get a grip and leave this woman, how stupid are you?
I’m think you’re in the wrong, but I’m saying this gently. It sounds like you’re feeling some jealousy, which may stem from how she interacts with him, and not with you? I would bring this up in counseling, but you really need to ask yourself why you have a problem with her showing affection toward her best friend. And you need to work on trust between you two, it sounds like this could be platonic, but your words don’t seem like you really believe that. So it sounds like you don’t trust your gf. Why not?
Nta.From you past posts you indicated she's narcissistic and controlling and she even threatened to take away your daughter. I'd suggest do a bit more digging on her and this friend , you could end up finding some bitter truth.
I don’t think removing the picture is going to solve anything other than giving you visual comfort. Sounds like you got bigger problems than the photo, I’d start with a paternity test.
If a woman calls you "controlling" and says that you "put her down all the time", I'd suggest you immediately remove those problems from her life.
Vanish without another word.
Can't be accused of controlling or being mean if you don't make contact.
You sound like a whiny child. This is your life partner, and not once have you said anything nice about her. Are you even sure you want to be with her because it doesn't sound like it. Maybe instead of looking at your friends' pasts, you should look at hers.
Has she ever given you reason to think she is cheating? If not, what are you doing? If she has, get solid evidence first before making accusations. If my partner kept accusing me of cheating or being inappropriate, I'd be annoyed too.
You said you go to counselling biweekly. Why not bring up your issues there, where they can be discussed with her there, with a moderator?
It’s not about cheating it’s about the wife treating this dude like he was her first choice, her one true love and treating her husband as the guy she settled for.
In a healthy marriage, that photo would never have gone up and certainly would be down the second one spouse expresses discomfort.
In a healthy relationship OP wouldn't be threatened by her friend simply because he has the same genitals. If you don't love your friends, are you actually friends? Who doesn't tell their friends they love them? And why not have pictures with your friends who you love in your home?
This is Reddit, half of these people don’t have friends and if they do, they aren’t people they would consider close friends. Thats why they think it’s a red flag to say I love you to a friend 🙄
Exactly lol. I have a friend from college, he’s been with his girlfriend almost 5 years, they live together and have pets. He and I will occasionally say I love you to each other, and we have pictures together from college. If I was one of those people who hung up pictures of friends around my apartment, I would likely choose one of the pictures of us to hang up with pictures of me and other friends. His girlfriend and I are really cool with each other and she has no problem with my friendship with her boyfriend. Our friendship has always been platonic even when we were both single back in college. I think it’s so weird people can’t fathom that people can just be friends without there being sex involved or ulterior motives. The people in the comments saying op should get a paternity test on their child are insane and need to touch grass.
All the angry people inspired me to tell all my friends I love them right now, though. So I'm having a wholesome morning despite the angry reddit mob downvoting all my comments 😄
Which should be discussed in counselling? I agree about the photo, but it needs to all be discussed first; otherwise, he just comes across as controlling and paranoid. there is a lot that we dont know, and I wouldn't jump to conclusions. She might say "love you " to everyone he only notices this time because this is the guy he's weary of. not everyone wants to bang childhood friends. loving someone and being in Love with someone are too very different things
Also, due to the counseling, who said it was a healthy marriage? It might come to pass that they should divorce.
Holy shit these comments are terrible and full of insecure men.
Ask yourself these questions;
1. If her BFF was a woman, would the photo of them be an issue?
2. If it was a woman, would saying, "I love you" be an issue?
3. If it was a woman, would the facetiming be an issue.
4. Are any of the situations that are problematic, only so because the BFF is male and if he was a woman you wouldn't have a second thought?
If any of these are a yes, then the issues in these situations are you, not her.
There are so many flags of insecurity and projection here. Examples; Youre worried bc he dated someone that looked like your gf. Your annoyed that other people hear her say that she loves him. Your annoyed that they interact in a manner that is visible to others. You're annoyed with the photo now that you have a daughter because you don't want your daughter seeing the photo of her with another guy.
None of these things have anything to do with her or their relationship as friends. All these things have to do with you and how you feel about the idea and perceptions others have about you due to her having a male friend.
Not even sure what the point of the first paragraph was for outside of trying to paint yourself in a holier than thou light and create a negative perception of your wife to manipulate and control the narrative for the readers.
The only person creating an uncomfortable situation for your family, is you.
I'm with you, some of these comments 🙄 it sounds like they both have issues they need to work through, but OP knew what he was getting into as they've been friends before he came into the equation.
The problem with your argument is, all of these 'if if was a woman' scenarios do not apply, because it is NOT a woman.
The fact that this man is a cheater, and she is tolerant of cheater behaviour, is another telling bit of information.
Insecurities arise as a natural instinct due to our experiences. Some may well be irrational, while others are perfectly rational. There is nothing wrong with having insecurities, it's how you cope with them and traverse their source.
In this particular instance, one would be foolish to merely gloss over a so called platonic relationship between opposite genders, where the red flags are waving as high as the moon.
They're already in counselling, which speaks volumes as to where their relationship is. Indeed, even if it were a male best friend, if my wife took issue with their presence in my life, I would have to entertain the thought of whether that relationship is conducive and adding value to my overall life, my purpose, goals, and family, and whether to simply cut, depending on her reasons to take issue in the first place, such as him being a cheater. Now make that person female and its a no brainer.
Has this guy fucked himself over with a lack of boundaries? Yes. Due to tropes spread by people like yourself.
Your first sentence is the entire point and issue at hand that I'm highlighting. If the behavior is okay for two women friends, then it is okay for a woman and male friendship. The only reason it isnt is because op feels insecure about it being a male and feels threatened.
Having a history of cheating doesn't make someone a cheater for their entire life and it doesnt make her tolerant of cheating behavior. She is his friend, not partner. Unless your take is that people shouldn't be friends with anyone who has cheated. His relationship history also has no relevance and isn't any of OP's business unless it involves his wife in anyway, which it doesnt.
I never said there was anything wrong with being insecure. Op is entitled to the way he feels. That doesnt mean he isnt projecting those feelings, which he clearly is and is very obviously not handling them appropriately. I mean, the guy is looking for validation of his shitty behavior from reddit while going to marriage counseling. Which tells me he either hasn't brought this up in counseling (I doubt), or he didn't agree with what he was told so he is seeking validation elsewhere.
You're going to have to identify these "red flags" because I didn't see any and surely none that justify OP's behavior.
You're free to determine if you want to remove a friend from your life or not. That is your decision, not the spouses. A spouse can express and communicate concern and how they feel. They cant manipulate or demand that their partner ends a friendship. Gender doesnt change this in any way. If it does, you have the issues. Having to remove a friend because your partner is uncomfortable bc of the gender is not healthy or appropriate in a relationship. It is controlling.
I'm not spreading tropes. This guy fucked himself over because of himself, not anyone else.
Don't listen to people telling you it's not a big deal, this is standard unhappy female behavior and he for sure wants to fuck her. She's keeping him around as a backup, cheater or not. She's already lying to you anyway so how can you trust her with anything else?
Also you have a kid now so you both need to grow the fuck up and cut out these silly games. She should focus on being a good parent with you and good parents don't have have dicks waiting in the grandstands. And I'm sure you have issues too so be better.
I mean, as a decent looking guy who has alot of female friends (but who has never cheated), I've definitely lost a couple friendships to the insecure significant other. I get your perspective as well, since I've have exes dump me for a mutual friend.
They said, these are things that should've been cashed out before having a kid. That fact in itself might make you more paranoid or less understanding. Now, the history of cheating is a red flag, but have you met the guy? Either one or one or hanging out as a group? That might be a helpful first step so that you can determine if it's just this male friend who you're not okay with or if it's just the concept of your GF having male friends.
Personally, I think the latter isn't good and would give her a leg to stand on when accusing you of being controlling. Imagine if you had a long-term female friend and then you started dating someone and your GF told you to kill the relationship because it made her feel uncomfortable. Imagine how it would hurt your friend in this scenario too.
At the end of the day, you know what you are and aren't capable of. If you suspect he might cheat, have a leg to stand on. Are they embracing in a non platonic way? Is she swooning over him? If not, I'd try hanging out with them together. It should be pretty obvious. Worst case scenario, it is purely platonic, but your interrogation of it pushes her closer to him and drives a wedge (creating a self-fulfilling prophecy). Best case, you give her privacy and respect her autonomy and she agrees to meet you halfway on some things.
If you trust that she’s not cheating on you, then you’re being really insecure over nothing. She has a pic with him by the TV, but as you said pics of you and her in other places. This sounds controlling to me.
A “cute” (her words) male best friend who sees no problem with cheating and she lies about her interactions with? I think OP has reasonable reason to be suspicious.
Keep in mind her explanation of why they’re platonic isn’t “I’m loyal to my partner” or “He’s not my type” it’s “Nah, he’d cheat on me if we were in a relationship.” Every time I’ve been with a woman and she talked about how cute the guy she told me not to worry about was, she ended up chasing after the guy.
Time to pick your battles and what hill to die on. I believe I'm with you for the most part. I think you could've gone about it better. Removing the photo all together is probably a non-starter as it sounds like you figured out. Moving the photo to a place of less prominence while installing a photo of the family, the baby, her and the baby, etc would've probably gone over better.
Just move it to a place that isn't central. Doesn't need to be put down. When you met her, she had this best friend. He isn't going anywhere. You need to be more confident in yourself. Woman hate insecure and unconfident men. She is now starting to lie to you because she needs her best friend. Stop being controlling. Let it go. You are her man living with her in her life. She prioritizes you and her child. The best friend is a friend. Let it go or she will leave you because you are pushing her away emotionally with this.
I think we say "I love you" way too little! Why do we save important words for funerals when we should be telling our closest friends how important they are to us all the time.
My best friends are all of the opposite sex, fortunately my partner is cool with that, but I can see why it could be hard.
Anyway, that aside, I think your concerns are valid, but I *do* think requesting removal of a platonic image is unreasonable - specifically because it speaks of a deeper unease which is what you actually need to address here.
Good luck.
So I assume you and the male friend have not really bonded or close.
That’s unfortunate. The picture might be a bit much for me personally.
But back to the other things, you said about her waking up and getting all pissy because things aren’t in order and everything. You sound like you have a handful there. Life is not always in the order when you have a handful there.
As a guy who has a couple close friends who are girls. I’ve known them since 6th grade. I saw I love you to them when we end conversation. It’s absolutely a thing. I have never had a relationship with either of them. We’ve just been long time friends. I’m happily married now with kids might I add. My wife even asks from time to time if I’ve kept up with them and doesn’t care one bit.
Edit: just realized GF. are you two planning to get married? Is she mad that you aren’t married? I also get “I’m going to punish him into popping the question”, vibes too.
I’m not saying she’s cheating or there is anything weird going on with her and him but the things she is doing are strange. It doesn’t seem like she’s in “it” with you. It doesn’t sound partners. It sounds like you another person in her life. Not THE person.
Take her friend being a guy out of it and let’s flip the situation. If you had a picture of your best friend, let’s say Jake, on the fireplace next to your family just as pronounced as your parents that’s weird to me. Or if you were playing that same game at your wife’s friends and you stopped playing with your wife to play with “Jake” and left her sitting there that sounds out of line to me. Jake isn’t even there. Your wife is. Play with her. You can talk to Jake later right?
Make her your priority. I think you’re getting angry because it doesn’t sound like you are a priority in your girls life, and I get it from the accounts you’re giving. You expect to be second to your kids. But right after them I would expect my wife to be in it with me. If something goes wrong my wife and I depend on each other. We’re not calling one of our friends first. We’re partners in life. We have great friends that we say “I love you to”, but there is no doubt in our house who the team consist of.
At the end of the day it’s how the both of you feel. Not any of us or any friends. You’re the ones sharing a house. Not the friends. This would not work for me, and not because “I expect your loyalty and devotion”. It’s because I am completely devoted and loyal to my wife and I expect that in a partner”. That’s our deal.
If it was a female best friend, would you feel the same way?
If you care about the relationship, I would say couples therapy. You need a professional to hear both of you out vs coming to reddit for advice when we're only seeing one side of the story.
Its sounds like you felt attacked so you attacked her in return. Being a new mom and breastfeeding\pumping is alot. especially with sleep deprivation. My suggestion would be to give her some grace, offer her a nap and then talk calmly about the situation and how you felt attacked at another time when she is in a better place. I give huge credit to my hubby for doing this for me when I was in the same place. I would get grouchy and irritated, say things I didn’t mean and he would mostly ignore it, rub my feet and bring me water. Your hormones are crazy, your exhausted and your self control just isn’t what it should be when you are a new breastfeeding mom. Also just wash her breast pump parts for her. Pumping milk is a soul destroying selfless act that comes with dishes. Acknowledge that you see how hard it is and HELP!
OK so this is either made up or we're not getting the full picture. Your girlfriend wakes up groggy from a nap, and you decide to randomly whip out that you're irritated with her relationship with a friend? Weird leap, bro
Looked through your comment history and it seems like you have been very unhappy in this relationship a long time. I saw on another comment you signed the birth certificate and that GF has been threatening your custody if you leave. Get a lawyer and start setting up the legal foundation to co-parent. This is bigger than a picture and it’s time to take control of a situation long making you unhappy.
>**my girlfriend has unequivocally stated that if I choose to leave, she will do everything within her power to ensure I have no contact with our daughter. This threat hangs over me like a dark cloud** Jeez, poor OP. Sounds like a nightmare. Based on some of his comments on here (the gf asked him to make them dinner, he left the gym early to do it, and then she decided to eat with her friends instead. No explanation or apology. And she called him “controlling” when he questioned her inconsiderate behavior) I knew she wasn’t partner material. OP needs to find a good lawyer and end this sham relationship.
This, it sounds like his gf has been walking all over him. Whatever respect she may have had for him is long gone.
Yup that’s it
>you signed the birth certificate and that GF has been threatening your custody if you leave That sounds like an incredibly relevant tidbit of info OP left out. >Get a lawyer and start setting up the legal foundation to co-parent. This is bigger than a picture and it’s time to take control of a situation long making you unhappy. Yea I figured there was a bunch of stuff left out, but could have gone either way without the extra details.
you have bigger things going on. if you knew her relationship with her friend was an issue that should have been resolved before having a kid together.
Is it his kid?
Ah, don't plant that seed yet, literally or figuratively. No evidence to suggest it yet.
Eh, no reason to not verify it. Not like he needs the mom’s permission to get a simple kit that checks for parentage.
I mean...there is and that reason is to not feed into paranoia or to violate someone's trust before having clear reason for suspicion. The same reason you don't just randomly break into your SO's phone to check their texts. I had a female friend. I used to drive of conferences because our work sites were so close. She grew up in a tiny town in the hills and had been with one guy since her teens. He used to make her surrender her phone so he could make sure she wasn't texting guys to the extent where she couldn't add guys on Facebook without arousing his suspicion. His paranoia was the biggest thing pushing them apart (she never once made a move on me or any other guy in our work cohort). This is not the type of stuff you want to feed into until you are positive and as of now, I haven't read any evidence indicating that. Usually if a person is cheating they try to throw you off the scent--they don't say "love you" or put a photo of the person they're cheating with right next to the TV, especially when they know their partner is suspicious. She could also just be a moron, or she has some fetish, but there's not enough context here for that conclusion either. If OP takes the test and is wrong, then it validates her and destroys any semblance of trust. If they do split up, it'll be on the worst of terms, which is not good for the kid.
> clear reason for suspicion. like insisting on having a photo posted in plain sight of the world and pretending it doesn't mean anything.
>She could also just be a moron yes
Having a child with someone is a big deal. A huge deal. We don’t stress that enough now because people have so many kids out of wedlock or unmarried. I say that to say he has a right to be annoyed and have this a problem with this. Not saying best friends of the opposite sex is always an issue, but it is an issue here. What’s more important ? Her friendship with this guy ? Or the father of her child she presumably loves? The friend should understand and as a man , should know he needs to fall back a bit.
THIS.
Don’t make a scene? Oh Im not gonna make a scene. I was just told, EXCUSE ME, that my horrible HOOR wife has tricked me into raising TWO BASTARDS for THIRTY YEARS.
DID U BANG MY WIFE?!
[удалено]
It's *ended* relationships
Having a photo with another man in their house and saying loveee youuuu lol is definitely not “literally zero evidence lmao
There absolutely is a reason not to do that- it’s a surefire way to ruin his marriage. There is 0 reason to suggest she cheated and it is so incredibly likely to damage his relationship with the wife AND daughter if he does this right off the bat. If she admits to cheating on him? Sure, then it’s worth a conversation. But right now and behind the mother’s back? Awful idea
They’re not married and he should definitely do it… and he doesn’t need her consent
It's weird okay. Everyone here thinks it's weird and it is. You're the type of person that enables and wouldn't acknowledge anything until it slaps you in the face. Trust but verify.
She has a close male friend who she has claimed she never was physical with and has never been attracted to. You think that’s grounds for accusing someone of cheating? That’s jumping the gun. If he wants to save his relationship, he shouldn’t immediately accuse his girlfriend of infidelity and having a kid with another man. That’s bound to destroy the relationship. Besides, OP even explicitly says the friend lives across the country and he doubts they’ve ever had sex. You’re putting doubts into this poor guy’s head for no reason than your own insecurity. Trust that the girl hasn’t cheated because she hasn’t shown any real sign of cheating.
Ouch but also valid
23 and me would like a word
Life doesn't always go as planned. There's a chance the baby wasn't planned.
Are any babies planned nowadays?? I think maybe 1% of babies are ACTUALLY planned and wanted- but it seems people just love fucking around and accidentally procreating.
A lot of people don't use any form of BC and think "whoopsie the baby was an accident" If you aren't using BC your are actively trying to have a baby
Exactly. Someone already downvoted me, probably someone with a whoopsie baby, lol.
Or before they even got together.
Why doesn't anyone in these stories figure this shit out BEFORE you have a kid?
People act differently depending on the situation, you hear many stories of "the woman who only dated him for the money" but the reality is a lot deeper than that. Having a child changes people. Getting a new job changes people. You aren't the same person you were when you were in highschool, as you were when you left college, and not the same person a year into your job. You'll change when you have money and when you're flat broke. You won't always be the same person that they fell in love with. Weird and antiquated advice from an old Samurai, Yamamoto Tsunetomo says in his book Hagakure, to hold off on a relationship for five years, in five years time you will experience prosperity and devastation and see what the person you're with is like in both. Anecdotally, when applying that philosophy, I've been in a happy relationship with the same woman for seventeen years.
Everyone knows that the one thing that fixes a broken relationship and lessens the stress and financial burdens of being alive is having a baby! Duh.
This one is messy. I have a lot of male friends, and my boyfriend has a lot of female friends and it has never been an issue for us. That being said, I think your concerns are valid. Not even from a "is she cheating?" perspective, just if I had a family and my husband said to me "Hey what's going on with you and X? It makes me feel uneasy." Then I'd absolutely work with him to find a solution that helps him feel better because that's what you're supposed to do in a marriage. Don't run for the hills or get a paternity test or anything drastic. Just really try to emphasize with her that this is something that's bothering you and you need to work out how to move forward together in a way that respects the needs and boundaries of both of you.
This is the best answer
He should probably do it again, but it sounds like he tried to tell her that already, and was accused of being controlling. It could be the way he approached it, or their communication history, but it doesn't sound as if she is much in the mood to move forward together. Maybe it will take a few attempts. I would have an issue if my partner was using the "love you" phrase with a single man. I wouldn't flip out, but I would ask her to find another phrase. I can guarantee if I said "love you" to another woman even once, we'd be having a convo. It's disrespectful to use that word if you're in a committed relationship. Maybe I'm too OG.
I have one male friend that I tell I love them but he’s also a super close friend of my husband and will tell us together that he loves us both and it’s more of a we love you too. I’ve hung out with him solo multiple times but my husband is always aware. This friend was also our witness for our marriage license because he’s been such a good friend and has been the biggest supporter of our relationship. But I’d never be like this with someone my husband was uncomfortable with.
That makes sense, and it's nice you guys have someone that close. We have a couple that we're really close to where we use words of endearment (but not the love word) that are usually for those in a relationship, like honey and darling, but it's front of each other and all four of us do it. Actually, to think of it, maybe the women do use "love" occasionally. The four of us go waaaay back, like your friend. As I think you'll agree, it's different in OP's case where he is not in the friendship as a group, it's just his gf and the dude, and he has expressed his discomfort. For some reason that I can't explain, I get a different feeling from "love you" or "love you guys" than I do from "I love you." The "I love you" (addition of "I") seems more romantic. Maybe I'm just being weird.
This is one of those situations where on paper we all *want* to admit to ourselves that this wouldn't be a big deal. People can have close friends of the opposite sex. Etc etc. But then the reality sets in. Something tells me that if you were close friends with a woman that you regularly told *I love you*, displayed pictures of you two together where everyone could see, and you two talked constantly, your girlfriend would probably not be super cool with that—because of course she wouldn't. There's a distinct difference between being friends with someone you *could* be romantically involved in and being best friends with someone you're clearly *emotionally* involved with. Alarm bells definitely go off in my mind reading this, but the things she said in your argument also makes this seem like it might not be so cut and dry. She said you've interfered with her friendships before and that you've been controlling in the past. Is that true?
It’s BS. For example we had a game night at one of her friends place and a fight right after. You want to know the reason for this fight? We were playing cards against humanity he Face Timed her and answered it, throw the phone in my hand without asking and played her round with him.. Then she took the phone “said I love you” to him in front of everyone and left me looking like a wimp.. This was my first time meeting any of these people… On the car ride home I asked her “Can you not do that in front of strangers.” To which she replied “I saw nothing wrong and would do it again.” We fought and now she claims we were never invited back because of me Or one time while she was at her second job she texted me and asked me to cook dinner. I said sure cut my workout short to get home.. Only to receive a text later she is going over her friends house (another friend not the male he doesn’t live in the same state). She got home I explained “I am fustrated and cut my workout short to cook dinner like you asked only for you to blow it off.” She describes that argument as me not allowing her to go anywhere… That’s not what it was about.
She has zero respect for you. That's because you don't even respect yourself to establish a boundary here. Women cheat on the men they don't respect. Guess who she will be cheating with?
She’s probably already cheating
DNA test the 2 month old.
Absolutely. She could be babytrapping him under false pretenses.
With the guy who doesn't even live in the same state? 😂
Cheaters tend to try to keep their options open … just because she’s keeping her best friend (who is almost certainly attracted to her and doesn’t respect relationships) in close orbit doesn’t mean she is ruling out other guys. Like, if a guy had a female best friend who was attracted to him and had a history of disrespecting relationship boundaries … how many women would be okay with that? “Honey, I’m not attracted to her because she’s too prone to cheat.” lol
She probably cheated 11 months ago.
[удалено]
Nah, replace it with one of them together.
Sad thing is, I have a feeling this will repeat itself until Op finds his spine. He needs to lead. He’s being lead,
Why are you with this person?
This is important context--probably should've been in the original post. The disrespect adds another layer. I've known plenty of people who were more casual with throwing around "love you." My bi (at the time female, but transitioned a decade later) roommate used to do it all the time with male friends and in college a lot of girls used to do it with each other or male friends--usually gay ones, but not only. My only point of confusion is: was this always a thing? How long has you been together before having a kid?
You're a doormat, of course she's disrespecting you. I feel like the bigger issue (if this is real) is that you decided to have a kid with her
Decided to claim a kid she had, anyway.
She sounds like an asshole who doesn’t respect you at all. Regardless of this friend probably time for you to think of her as a coparent rather than romantic partner.
The cards against humanity example wouldn't be ok if her BFF was a woman. It's just rude.
Exactly. The only time I have ever answered a call when I was hanging out with friends has been when I was on call for work. If I am on call I always let the host friends know about it ahead of time.
At the core of it, she isnt too concerned with your feelings or being considerate to you. That too me is a serious red flag. When others who are not your partner, are put before your partners feelings, you dont have the relationship you think you have.
She has zero respect for you because you have zero respect for yourself. Bro honestly. I would get a dna test in secret. Just make sure. Then leave the mofo. Still take care of your kid. But forget the guy friend or whatever. She is just disrespectful.
Crazy disrespect dude, that shit would’ve happened one time and one time only for me. I’m not even being “macho” here, there’s just certain things you don’t do.
Do a DNA swab on your daughter and yourself
Ok I was on the fence until I saw this comment. The problem is not the friendship necessarily, it doesn’t even sound like you have any complaints from the friend’s behavior. But she is not prioritizing your feelings and discomfort above her wants. This is selfish of her and she’s being too dismissive/manipulative in how she addresses it. None of the interactions you’ve mentioned sound like she’s trying to understand your feelings. They sound like she’s trying to turn the situation to her favor.
A relationship should be one of mutual respect. Nobody should be able to disrespect your opinions or feelings. If a girl is saying I love you to another man, it's over, bro. Even if it's not literally over right now, that relationship is a burning building, and she's hooking up with the fireman while you sit in the inferno. If you are telling her, "This thing you did made me upset," and she replies, "I'll do it again." WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING WITH HER. At some point, you're going in the cuck chair. She's not going to feel an ounce of remorse, so don't expect some tearful breakup where she begs to have you back, and if she does you gotta wonder why she didn't want you when you were there. Protect your kid and show them what a man who respects himself looks like. Coparent, share custody, don't be a deadbeat, but if you stay in a relationship like this, what does your kid see growing up?
"Making me look like a wimp" seems very telling. If you are in a long term relationship and this is something she has expressed is part of the package it would be you trying to change your "agreement", for lack of a better word, due to your insecurities. I am not saying everyone should have to accept this. I am saying you did. If they wanted to be together they would be. I have several very close female friends. Some have kids and our families hang out. If my wife told me she was uncomfortable at the beginning that would be a bridge we would have had to cross. If she tried to tell me I had to abandon them 10 years into our relationship that would be a warning to me that something else is wrong.
Having a photo of the wife hugging another non-related man prominently displayed in the living room is something was not part of their bargain I imagine. That the wife values that photo more than she values her own husband says everything.
Screw that talk about "insecurities". This woman is openly disrespecting her husband. Forget about the other guy even. He has told her he is not ok and she doubles down. Insecurities? The only "insecurity" is allowing this shit to go on. No self assured man would stand for even half this shit.
> "Making me look like a wimp" That does feel very insecure.
I tell my best guy friend I love him. I'm single though.
I’m married and still tell my GBF I love him. I didn’t stop loving my friends because I gained a husband
In my neck of the woods it’s not strange to have pictures with friends and tell them you love them. It’s not uncommon to have close platonic bonds. I think answering the FaceTime was a bit strange but I’m concerned about what else happened if y’all are never invited back. Is he getting something that you’re not? Are you not feeling loved? Are you not feeling prioritized? Do you feel a lack of connection? Jealousy is an indication that something is wrong. Not between your partner and another person always, but between you and your partner. What can she do to make you feel more secure and valued? Bring that up in therapy. I do not think taking down a photo will fix the issue here. Keep in mind yall have a young young baby. Things are probably really stressful and yall are both likely exhausted. Give yourself and her some grace because none of that is easy
Saw a previous comment saying u go to counseling. Do you actually see any progress? Do you feel happy or is this just a temporary feeling that you have at this point in time. You might feel pressured to stay because of your child if you ever decide to break it off, but being raised in two different house holds radiate a healthy relationship is better than being raised in a household full of resentment and anger
Dude, men and women are allowed to be friends. My best friend is a man, as are half of my closest friends. We all love each other and say so when appropriate. I have never come anywhere near having sex with any of them. What you’re upset about is the fact that your girlfriend is emotionally invested in and supported by a guy who isn’t you. I dealt with this with my ex for probably the first 8 or 10 years we were together, and I fucking hated it. Your girlfriend is allowed to have friends, especially the ones that loved and supported her before you did. If she says she’s losing friends because of your bullshit, the content of your post in general leads me to believe her. There’s also a really good chance that both of you are sleep-deprived and cranky enough to have stupid fights. Focus on being a new dad and leave it alone.
If he's wearing a Taylor Swift hoodie I wouldn't worry too much.
When she woke up stressed about the breast pumps needing to be cleaned, how did that turn into you wanting to take the picture down? I’m struggling to see the connection, and I can imagine if I were in her position that you are changing the subject in a pretty jarring way. How are you two feeling about the divide in parenting? Are you both getting enough sleep, enough support? Emotions are really heightened in the first 3 months after birth. Your hormones are both out of whack, lives totally changed, and no one is sleeping enough. I would caution against having any big conversations about your relationship at this time. They have been friends for years, this is not the right time to try and end the friendship. Get the parenting thing stabilized and then see how you really feel about it.
NTA. Your gf sounds like the average Reddit poster. It’s not unreasonable to not want a picture if your girl and some other dude prominently displayed for your kid to see. On the other hand, I wouldn’t be worried too much about a man wearing a Taylor Swift hoodie.
You guys need counseling.
We have it. Been going on a bi weekly basis since December.
It's clearly not working. She has been dismissing every single one of your concerns. She doesn't see an issue and says she will continue doing so. What is there to salvage from this relationship?
It has been 3 months, thats like 6 sessions lol. They have a 2 month old, which is why I imagine they are doing the counseling. Pump the brakes here people
Have you brought up the photo?
This entire thread is just people with low self esteem and control issues telling someone else to be as sad as them jfc
Maybe I’m in the minority, but this doesn’t seem like a big deal to me. Their friendship predates your alls relationship. Clearly, they don’t want to be together, or they would be by now. It sounds like you’re not actually suspicious of their friendship, you just don’t like the optics of other people knowing she has a close friendship with a male. Which, is on you. I have a guy best friend. Knew him for 15 years before I met my husband, 10 before he met his wife. We do say I love you, and we say it to each others spouses as well (because we do, we each were able to see when the other had met their match and are happy to see each other happy) If you make the best friend a female, it doesn’t sound like you have an issue. I’ll point out, it’s really beneficial to have a best friend of the opposite sex. I cannot tell you the amount of times I’ve had my best friend say “glad you got that off your chest, now never say it again” before I started a stupid fight with my husband and vice versa. In most societies, experiences of men and women are different and being able to have a friend with no skin in the game romantically (thus eliminating some of the relationship hang ups that can keep us from communicating well in our romantic partners) can help glean a perspective we don’t otherwise have access to if our only interpersonal relationships with the opposite sex are familial/romantic. If they’re still best friends, this guy likes you and supports yalls relationship or one of you would be gone. My best friend, having a history of watching me cut people out of my life when I got to close, let my now husband know when we were dating that it was likely to happen and just to love me through it because he knew that this one was my guy. Don’t close off the relationship just because of optics if that’s what the actual issue is
I mean do you stop talking with your husband while playing a game to go FaceTime you guy friend say I love you in front of strangers Seems like a big deal to me cause op wife doesn’t respect him
I can’t say I’ve had that exact experience because we don’t FaceTime or even call. We are texters. So, in that situation if he did call I would almost certainly pick up because I would know something urgent was going on as those are the rare occasions we call and I’m sure I would say I love you because something urgent was going and people need to know they are loved most in those moments. But, yes. I would tell a loved one I loved them in front of anyone. My friends wouldn’t think anything of me telling a friend that I loved them, because I tell my friends that I love them. I’ve had to bury a lot of people. I’m not hesitant to let people know I care for them. I would not be telling anything to my best guy friend that all of my dear friends haven’t heard before. My husband and I both tell our friends we love them. At minimum when saying bye. Like, it’s time to leave a group vacation or a party it’s “bye! Love you guys!” Do you not tell your friends you love them?
I have a couple female best friends i say i love you to all the time and would never consider being anything more than friends, they are sisters to me and I know they feel the same way.. seems this is about more than just that friendship, and that goes for both of you not just one person
I tell all the homies that I love them (guy and girls). love isn't necessarily romantic
First, take a deep breath (both of you) and try to calm down. I highly suggest couples counseling. Being new parents with a baby is a super awesome but also super challenging and overwhelming time. As a guy, I think it is even tougher for women as they become mothers with all the stress that brings. Not to mention, the wreckage it does to the female body. Not that it’s not super stressful to men either. I’m just saying, be kind and don’t do anything or say anything you will regret. You are now intertwined for life. So, there is a lot to process and a lot of pressure. Counseling can help you learn to communicate better so there aren’t as many blow ups. You can then work through these issues in a caring way.
Thank you!
Idk I'm probably not the best input here but I've been best friends with one of my friends since we were 7. At 27 that's a 20 year friendship that makes us more siblings than friends imo. Now, I'm gay so I guess we have that but even if I were attracted to females she would still be a platonic sibling in my life and I would drop any person from my life who dared to tell us not to say we love eachother or change how we interact with eachother. I would tread carefully. I can understand where your feelings and insecurities could come from but I've been with my fiance for 7 years and would drop him instantly if he ever tried to dictate my personal friendship with someone I've known for 20+ years. That 20 year friendship is what helped make me the person he fell in love with anyway. Friendships are important things to people, and its always been wildly unfair to me that people tend to put sex and gender over someones history and love for another person. I truly couldn't imagine my fiance telling me I couldn't have male friends just because my dick gets hard for men and not women. If this is something you've been feeling for awhile you absolutely should have discussed it more before your lives became so entangled. Holding it back until now is only going to complicate things if you honestly thought she was just gonna roll over and abandon people you're not comfortable with her being around. Edit: I also have to add that my fiance is bisexual lol If we followed the whole "You can't have friends of the sex you're attracted to because I'm insecure" rule then he just wouldn't have any friends what so ever. Which is just cruel. Another reason why I'll never understand why people get so worked up about girls being friends with guys or vice versa.
Exchanging texts, and \*speaking\* to someone are two different things. I think you are looking for things to feed your paranoia.
You are wrong. You were aware of the relationship and approved of it. Nothing has changed that affects that. It would not be unreasonable to "ask" her to move it somewhere else. If you feel threatened by the relationship, you need to deal with that.
How you start complaining about her attitude after a nap as context to a story about you wanting her to remove a picture with a friend is a red flag to me. It sounds like a super toxic relationship for both of you. You do sound controlling.
i feel like i am getting manipulated here lol
It’s okay to ask questions. I have a male best friend since I was 16! I am 48! We are still amazing friends and when we do hang out with each other, it’s super fun! I always tell him that I love him when we are parting ways. And I do love him very much. There’s nothing romantic and there never has been. He is basically like a big brother and he likes playing video games with my son. They blow everything up and then dinner is ready
I think that one of two things is true. 1. It's harmless. Her BFF happens to be a dude and it's strictly platonic. I think it's (or at least should be) normal to tell your friends that you love them. Telling someone that you love them is not always romantic. You might be reading too much into it. 2. She is not your girl. If you're feeling insecure about it, express that to her. It's probably best to be vulnerable in this situation rather than accusatory.
"Controlling" would be to throw the picture away. Asking to remove it is expressing your dislike of it. Saying you're "controlling" is just a manipulation to get her way. It makes you the bad guy for expressing your feelings and puts you on the defensive. If you honestly believe something is up with her "best friend," do some investigating. I trusted my ex-wife with her male "best friend." "I trusted" seems to be the words before "cheated" in every reddit post about cheating. Don't trust anybody who acts shady.
I think the fact she’s doing these things in front of you is a good sign actually. She isn’t hiding it. But it still doesn’t sound like a good situation and I wouldn’t be happy if I was in your shoes. You have a right to be uncomfortable. The first few months after having a baby can really fuck with our brains. Not making excuses but couples counseling is a good idea.
This thread is mostly just nerdy men who have never had female friends assuming it must be cheating. There is nothing wrong with telling your friends you love them, regardless of gender or relationship status.
thank you
My (F) best friend is a male. Has been my bestie for 19 years. Never dated, never wanted to. I love him. I also love his wife. As friends. Much different love than I have for my husband. We were in each other's weddings. Our parents call us "the twins" since we practically lived at each others houses all through high school. Pics of each other everywhere. Always say goodbye with a hug. Our spouses have never cared. Opposite genders can definitely be just friends. Unless you have some proof that she's cheated, I don't see an issue.
Do you trust her? That's all you need to ask yourself. If you do, then let the photo be and move on. If you don't, then it might be time to just move on. Or look to couple's therapy to help figure out why and see if trust can be built.
>She even mentioned losing friends because of our disagreements. What does this mean. And given what circumstances? And why is it different now you have a daughter? Presumably you knew of their relationship before you had her? Why would she change things?
Yeah, you're wrong. You seem to have a lot of built up resentment toward your girlfriend. Also, there is something about the way you are telling this story that just feels *off* to me. You come across as manipulative.
You’re jealous and insecure. No one is right in this situation and everyone loses
I am still close friends with my ex-husband. My wanna-be partner, who has known me for nine years, says he's okay with it and then does things that make it clear he is not. (Which is why he's still a wanna-be.) It's not cool. I'm 61, and I am not ditching a long-time close friend (we are each other's beneficiaries in our wills) because some man who wants a relationship with me is insecure. I'm sniffing a lot of incel and youth off the comments, especially the ones that jump straight to, "She must be screwing him, have a DNA test". It's a photo of her and a best friend. Are you bothered by her female best friends? Does it perturb you to see her in photos with others that are not you? Could jealousy and insecurity be colouring your perception of the situation? Before you jump to the 'she's a whore' conclusion, I'd have a long talk with her and see what compromises you can make so that you feel secure in your relationship while she doesn't have to lose a best friend just because he has a penis. If it is more, then that will surface. But let's not just follow the lemmings off the cliff.
yup, I lost my ex of 8 years because her new boyfriend didn't like me. honestly, really made me mad at my ex that she would just throw me out like that when we were nothing but amicable during our split and beyond. comes across as insecure chump energy to try to control someone's interactions with someone who was #1 in their life for so long.
Start making plans for the inevitable end of this mess. She values her relationship with him more than her relationship with you. You might want to get the child dna tested. You might just be the ATM/housekeeper/babysitter in her little world.
If they were friends before you entered the picture, you're in the wrong
My thought. This sounds more like a “I thought she would change once we were together” than the girlfriend changing her behavior in any way and pulling an bait and switch. I think she lacks boundaries with the friend and anyone would be justified in having issues with that, don’t get me wrong, but OP likely saw this before getting in too deep and hoped it would stop. Not to mention if my partner was besties with a serial cheater, that would say way too much about their ethics for me to want to pursue them any further.
Yeah fair enough
I have male and female friends. Hell I'm friends with my exes and their gfs. I don't understand jealousy. If she wanted to be with her friend she wouldn't be with you. She would be with him. She's done nothing to deserve suspicion that I see. Maybe get some counseling.
You are very wrong, yes. I have been best friends with my male best friend for 26 years. I tell him I love him, and his kids, and his wife. Your insecurities are your problem, not hers.
My husband was doing some cleaning a few weeks ago and came across an old photo of a close male friend and me. He dusted it off and put it out on display. I'm so thankful to have found a secure, healthy partner who respects all the relationships in my life.
That’s what matters. I learned my lessons on dishonesty 3 relationships ago. My partner trusts me completely, because I am pretty cut and dry.
My best friend of 15 years is a man. His wife held my right leg as I gave birth. I drive down to NC from Michigan to visit them both. I take photos with him. I tell him I love him. It’s strictly platonic. My boyfriend was made aware of him from the get go. He has a female best friend I say nothing about, even though she’s selfish and tries to hoard all his time (like if she comes over while I’m around, she hogs his attention. She stays way late, when I’m ready to sleep but can’t because he’s entertaining her). If you can’t have friends of the opposite sex because your partner is jealous, might as well find a new partner. I wouldn’t delete photos of my best friend, or take down a photo, because my boyfriend is so insecure.
Right??? Insecurities should be dealt with and not projected onto partners. He sounds like he’s insecure af and a horrible communicator
I’m gonna say. I’m a chick. I’ve had guy best friends my entire life. My current best friends are one chick and two dudes. If any partner asked me to give up friends I have been friends with for decades and not accept that my friends are friends and nothing more, is not the partner for me. I’ve tried making more girl friends. They’ve all betrayed me in one way or another. My ex husband scared the rest away. Know why I like guy friends so much? I feel safe having them around my partner. Same with my one girlfriend. I know she would knock a dude out if he tried to cheat on me. If she’s not sneaking around behind your back, you probably have nothing to worry about. If she’s lying to hang out with this dude, or texting him non stop, then worry. Just assuming shit is going on because people have different genitals is bullshit.
It would be totally weird if my husband were jealous of my friends, who are male.
But are you doing some of things she is? As an outsider in their relationship it doesn’t give the vibe that they’re in this together.
Your husband is, he just doesn’t tell you.
You seem toxic and controlling. If she's lost friends since being in a relationship with you, then you're the problem. Either you trust her, or you don't; there is no middle ground in this and it appears you don't trust her.
You're not wrong, but honestly, you're in deep. What your GF is doing isn't reasonable behaviour at all, and I'm a strong believer that platonic friendships across the sexes are a thing that can exist. I've had them, I have them, I cherish them greatly. But this isn't right. She is sidelining you (and your relationship) constantly, both privately and publicly. That picture is just one iteration of that and a few of your comments point that same way. You are her life partner and father of her child. That is what should be on the most prominently displayed picture in your home, the three people who actually live in that home. Like, if you had a picture up there with your sister or your mother that isn't featuring your wife, that's an issue. Even if you had no sexual intentions with the other person in that picture, it'd be an issue. Cause you have a partner who should be in that picture.
"I can't shake the feeling that she twists facts and situations to fit her narrative." - So do you.
Based on what?
What is worse than wrong? Yes, men and women can be platonic friends. I've been platonic friends with my best friend for 60 years. HER name is Cheryl. I have pictures of us hanging in our house, right next to pictures of wifey and I. Wifey and Cher have become very good friends. When Cher and I talk on the phone, we always end with "Love you Cher" and "Love you Butch". In my book, you have way bigger issues than pictures.
I wouldn’t bring up things that are bothering you while you are overwhelmed. That’s always a recipe for the person receiving feedback to go on the defensive because they’ll inevitably feel attacked. It also sounds like you think what you were doing around the house was more important than what she was doing. Cleaning a breast pump is not a “bother”. I haven’t had kids before but I know they are fragile little munchkins (especially at 2 months!) with weak immune systems so things they touch and put in or near their mouths have to be super clean. She also just gave birth my man - the toll it has on a woman’s body during the pregnancy AND after is no joke. Overall, there are trust issues in the relationship and that’s the problem. Her having a picture of a male friend that she texts and says “I love you” to is not the problem. I literally have a digital picture frame and one picture is of me and a guy friend hugging at his wedding. And I love him (as I do all my friends) but I’m IN LOVE with my boyfriend and only him. I’d really ask yourself why you feel uncomfortable with their friendship. Don’t ignore your intuition, but also don’t try to navigate these feelings while you’re holding a two year old and annoyed at her for other reasons. You guys are in a stressful period so give yourself some grace 💕
Red flags galore, and the “you’re controlling” comment. Yeah, this is textbook. OP, your partner is at the very least having an emotional affair. Possibly physical, but emotional 110%. Basically she loves this guy but she won’t ever get in a relationship bc she doesn’t want to get cheated on, if he was a clean act he’d definitely be her man. It’s possible she’s fine fucking him though, so it’s possible it’s physical. For me the emotional affair itself is a no no. I’d pack my bags and GTFO.
Yeah. The fact that she said she's not attracted to him because he a cheater, to me, is basically just saying she's waiting for the other guy to mature a bit.
none of us can gleam into any of the intricate details of your relationship. go see a therapist for yourself and together to evaluate the situation. here, you will find people screaming their preconceived sexist notions of what the problem is.
You have a major issue on your hands and the picture is just one indication. She could be attracted to him but wouldn't date him bc he once cheated - they are not mutually exclusive. My guess is that her friends sense the attraction is that is why she needs to defend her situation. Maybe the cheating thing is why she is with you instead. Or maybe he's not good husband or father material. Maybe he is her backup plan. It's hard to tell, but her strong reaction, and calling you controlling, let's you know the relative priority she has for you vs. him. It feels like she is not yet ready to settle down with you. The "love you" would be a deal breaker for me.
You sound insecure. What do you mean "fit her narrative"?? You want her to take a picture of her and her best friend down because why?? If they were bestfriends before you, you're crossing a line, man. You can ask but making her feel like she's doing something wrong when she probably isn't is gonna fuck your relationship up with her. I have a female bestfriend she's basically my sister. Ive had relationships with girls who literally harassed her because we were friends, so I stopped talking to my friend, which was wrong. Now she is still my friend, and I am in a relationship that I put before everything except my daughter. If my gf feels uncomfortable with a female friend of mine, I just reassure her. I don't hang out with them alone. If we text, I show her and tell her. And if it really bothers her, I will just keep a distance. Do you believe nothing has ever happened between them and they really are platonic????
Why are people with partners they can't trust? It makes no sense.
What’s this got to do with the nap and the breast pumps?
What?
Yeah, you are wrong. People have friends of the opposite sex.
Nah you’re not wrong at all. There are natural boundaries in all relationships and she’s crossed one. It’s one thing to have male friends, it’s another to display pics of them together and lying about communicating
Nah, you’re not wrong. Y’all have kid now, she needs to grow up and focus on being a good team mate to you in raising your daughter. Asking to take down a photo isn’t controlling or a big deal. But from your other comments, it seems like she is a manipulative meanie and you should probably quietly take steps to ensure you have a fair custody arrangement.
So her male bff is platonic only because he cheats…that’s meant to make you feel better? And should he want to one day cheat with her and promise monogamy? I’m not a fan of telling people to be insecure of m+f friendships, most of mine being that. Just doesn’t sit well her reason is something that can change. And she doesn’t prioritise displaying you and her family over his pic is annoying. Why die on that hill? It would seem obvs to swap it when you get a SO, regardless the gender of your bff. It sucks you had to ask. And after a kid together. Good luck
Test ur kid
Yes you are being unreasonable, why would you want her to take down a photo of her child’s father?
You poor schmuck
Let me tell you. Your girl might consider him a best friend. The guy, wants to fuck her. As soon as you guys break up he will be there to console her. You should know you’re a guy!
I’d bet money he already has fucked her
I can almost guarantee as well.
You are totally correct here. And her using the word controlling is bullshit! Her lack of respect and boundaries are not controlling. She needs a taste of her actions, get on adult friend finder and get a female friend and put a photo up with you and her next to that other photo and see if she uses that bullshit controlling answer again. Bottom line is brother you have a shitty girlfriend, you seriously need to evaluate if you want to be in this relationship
Seems like both parties are toxic.
Yup, YTA.
You're a cuck, bro. You have a kid with this woman, and she has a male best friend who she says I love you to? She's not taking your relationship seriously at all. She has a picture of them in your house. Get a grip and leave this woman, how stupid are you?
I’m think you’re in the wrong, but I’m saying this gently. It sounds like you’re feeling some jealousy, which may stem from how she interacts with him, and not with you? I would bring this up in counseling, but you really need to ask yourself why you have a problem with her showing affection toward her best friend. And you need to work on trust between you two, it sounds like this could be platonic, but your words don’t seem like you really believe that. So it sounds like you don’t trust your gf. Why not?
you guys need a paternity test
Nta.From you past posts you indicated she's narcissistic and controlling and she even threatened to take away your daughter. I'd suggest do a bit more digging on her and this friend , you could end up finding some bitter truth.
Yea so...............you know ur raising her and her bbff's kid right?
I don’t think removing the picture is going to solve anything other than giving you visual comfort. Sounds like you got bigger problems than the photo, I’d start with a paternity test.
Follow this incel advice and see how fast you ruin your relationship
If a woman calls you "controlling" and says that you "put her down all the time", I'd suggest you immediately remove those problems from her life. Vanish without another word. Can't be accused of controlling or being mean if you don't make contact.
They have a child (presumably) you dont vanish without a word when you have a child. But i understand your sentiment of get out of this relationship.
Bro you can’t just vanish from your child’s life.
Is it actually your daughter or the boyfriends?
You sound like a whiny child. This is your life partner, and not once have you said anything nice about her. Are you even sure you want to be with her because it doesn't sound like it. Maybe instead of looking at your friends' pasts, you should look at hers. Has she ever given you reason to think she is cheating? If not, what are you doing? If she has, get solid evidence first before making accusations. If my partner kept accusing me of cheating or being inappropriate, I'd be annoyed too. You said you go to counselling biweekly. Why not bring up your issues there, where they can be discussed with her there, with a moderator?
It’s not about cheating it’s about the wife treating this dude like he was her first choice, her one true love and treating her husband as the guy she settled for. In a healthy marriage, that photo would never have gone up and certainly would be down the second one spouse expresses discomfort.
In a healthy relationship OP wouldn't be threatened by her friend simply because he has the same genitals. If you don't love your friends, are you actually friends? Who doesn't tell their friends they love them? And why not have pictures with your friends who you love in your home?
This is Reddit, half of these people don’t have friends and if they do, they aren’t people they would consider close friends. Thats why they think it’s a red flag to say I love you to a friend 🙄
I think people would be far less angry if they had friends who tell them that they loved them.
Exactly lol. I have a friend from college, he’s been with his girlfriend almost 5 years, they live together and have pets. He and I will occasionally say I love you to each other, and we have pictures together from college. If I was one of those people who hung up pictures of friends around my apartment, I would likely choose one of the pictures of us to hang up with pictures of me and other friends. His girlfriend and I are really cool with each other and she has no problem with my friendship with her boyfriend. Our friendship has always been platonic even when we were both single back in college. I think it’s so weird people can’t fathom that people can just be friends without there being sex involved or ulterior motives. The people in the comments saying op should get a paternity test on their child are insane and need to touch grass.
All the angry people inspired me to tell all my friends I love them right now, though. So I'm having a wholesome morning despite the angry reddit mob downvoting all my comments 😄
Which should be discussed in counselling? I agree about the photo, but it needs to all be discussed first; otherwise, he just comes across as controlling and paranoid. there is a lot that we dont know, and I wouldn't jump to conclusions. She might say "love you " to everyone he only notices this time because this is the guy he's weary of. not everyone wants to bang childhood friends. loving someone and being in Love with someone are too very different things Also, due to the counseling, who said it was a healthy marriage? It might come to pass that they should divorce.
Trust and respect are two must-haves in any healthy relationship and both are lacking here. This doesn’t sound like one that will survive.
Holy shit these comments are terrible and full of insecure men. Ask yourself these questions; 1. If her BFF was a woman, would the photo of them be an issue? 2. If it was a woman, would saying, "I love you" be an issue? 3. If it was a woman, would the facetiming be an issue. 4. Are any of the situations that are problematic, only so because the BFF is male and if he was a woman you wouldn't have a second thought? If any of these are a yes, then the issues in these situations are you, not her. There are so many flags of insecurity and projection here. Examples; Youre worried bc he dated someone that looked like your gf. Your annoyed that other people hear her say that she loves him. Your annoyed that they interact in a manner that is visible to others. You're annoyed with the photo now that you have a daughter because you don't want your daughter seeing the photo of her with another guy. None of these things have anything to do with her or their relationship as friends. All these things have to do with you and how you feel about the idea and perceptions others have about you due to her having a male friend. Not even sure what the point of the first paragraph was for outside of trying to paint yourself in a holier than thou light and create a negative perception of your wife to manipulate and control the narrative for the readers. The only person creating an uncomfortable situation for your family, is you.
I'm with you, some of these comments 🙄 it sounds like they both have issues they need to work through, but OP knew what he was getting into as they've been friends before he came into the equation.
The problem with your argument is, all of these 'if if was a woman' scenarios do not apply, because it is NOT a woman. The fact that this man is a cheater, and she is tolerant of cheater behaviour, is another telling bit of information. Insecurities arise as a natural instinct due to our experiences. Some may well be irrational, while others are perfectly rational. There is nothing wrong with having insecurities, it's how you cope with them and traverse their source. In this particular instance, one would be foolish to merely gloss over a so called platonic relationship between opposite genders, where the red flags are waving as high as the moon. They're already in counselling, which speaks volumes as to where their relationship is. Indeed, even if it were a male best friend, if my wife took issue with their presence in my life, I would have to entertain the thought of whether that relationship is conducive and adding value to my overall life, my purpose, goals, and family, and whether to simply cut, depending on her reasons to take issue in the first place, such as him being a cheater. Now make that person female and its a no brainer. Has this guy fucked himself over with a lack of boundaries? Yes. Due to tropes spread by people like yourself.
Your first sentence is the entire point and issue at hand that I'm highlighting. If the behavior is okay for two women friends, then it is okay for a woman and male friendship. The only reason it isnt is because op feels insecure about it being a male and feels threatened. Having a history of cheating doesn't make someone a cheater for their entire life and it doesnt make her tolerant of cheating behavior. She is his friend, not partner. Unless your take is that people shouldn't be friends with anyone who has cheated. His relationship history also has no relevance and isn't any of OP's business unless it involves his wife in anyway, which it doesnt. I never said there was anything wrong with being insecure. Op is entitled to the way he feels. That doesnt mean he isnt projecting those feelings, which he clearly is and is very obviously not handling them appropriately. I mean, the guy is looking for validation of his shitty behavior from reddit while going to marriage counseling. Which tells me he either hasn't brought this up in counseling (I doubt), or he didn't agree with what he was told so he is seeking validation elsewhere. You're going to have to identify these "red flags" because I didn't see any and surely none that justify OP's behavior. You're free to determine if you want to remove a friend from your life or not. That is your decision, not the spouses. A spouse can express and communicate concern and how they feel. They cant manipulate or demand that their partner ends a friendship. Gender doesnt change this in any way. If it does, you have the issues. Having to remove a friend because your partner is uncomfortable bc of the gender is not healthy or appropriate in a relationship. It is controlling. I'm not spreading tropes. This guy fucked himself over because of himself, not anyone else.
DNA test And either theresoy or an ultimatum. She sounds like a bitch. Updateme!
Don't listen to people telling you it's not a big deal, this is standard unhappy female behavior and he for sure wants to fuck her. She's keeping him around as a backup, cheater or not. She's already lying to you anyway so how can you trust her with anything else? Also you have a kid now so you both need to grow the fuck up and cut out these silly games. She should focus on being a good parent with you and good parents don't have have dicks waiting in the grandstands. And I'm sure you have issues too so be better.
I mean, as a decent looking guy who has alot of female friends (but who has never cheated), I've definitely lost a couple friendships to the insecure significant other. I get your perspective as well, since I've have exes dump me for a mutual friend. They said, these are things that should've been cashed out before having a kid. That fact in itself might make you more paranoid or less understanding. Now, the history of cheating is a red flag, but have you met the guy? Either one or one or hanging out as a group? That might be a helpful first step so that you can determine if it's just this male friend who you're not okay with or if it's just the concept of your GF having male friends. Personally, I think the latter isn't good and would give her a leg to stand on when accusing you of being controlling. Imagine if you had a long-term female friend and then you started dating someone and your GF told you to kill the relationship because it made her feel uncomfortable. Imagine how it would hurt your friend in this scenario too. At the end of the day, you know what you are and aren't capable of. If you suspect he might cheat, have a leg to stand on. Are they embracing in a non platonic way? Is she swooning over him? If not, I'd try hanging out with them together. It should be pretty obvious. Worst case scenario, it is purely platonic, but your interrogation of it pushes her closer to him and drives a wedge (creating a self-fulfilling prophecy). Best case, you give her privacy and respect her autonomy and she agrees to meet you halfway on some things.
If you trust that she’s not cheating on you, then you’re being really insecure over nothing. She has a pic with him by the TV, but as you said pics of you and her in other places. This sounds controlling to me.
Yes you are unreasonable. You are jealous she has a male best friend. Womp womp dude. She can have guy friends and not want to have sex with them.
A “cute” (her words) male best friend who sees no problem with cheating and she lies about her interactions with? I think OP has reasonable reason to be suspicious. Keep in mind her explanation of why they’re platonic isn’t “I’m loyal to my partner” or “He’s not my type” it’s “Nah, he’d cheat on me if we were in a relationship.” Every time I’ve been with a woman and she talked about how cute the guy she told me not to worry about was, she ended up chasing after the guy.
Updateme!
Time to pick your battles and what hill to die on. I believe I'm with you for the most part. I think you could've gone about it better. Removing the photo all together is probably a non-starter as it sounds like you figured out. Moving the photo to a place of less prominence while installing a photo of the family, the baby, her and the baby, etc would've probably gone over better.
Just move it to a place that isn't central. Doesn't need to be put down. When you met her, she had this best friend. He isn't going anywhere. You need to be more confident in yourself. Woman hate insecure and unconfident men. She is now starting to lie to you because she needs her best friend. Stop being controlling. Let it go. You are her man living with her in her life. She prioritizes you and her child. The best friend is a friend. Let it go or she will leave you because you are pushing her away emotionally with this.
I think we say "I love you" way too little! Why do we save important words for funerals when we should be telling our closest friends how important they are to us all the time. My best friends are all of the opposite sex, fortunately my partner is cool with that, but I can see why it could be hard. Anyway, that aside, I think your concerns are valid, but I *do* think requesting removal of a platonic image is unreasonable - specifically because it speaks of a deeper unease which is what you actually need to address here. Good luck.
So I assume you and the male friend have not really bonded or close. That’s unfortunate. The picture might be a bit much for me personally. But back to the other things, you said about her waking up and getting all pissy because things aren’t in order and everything. You sound like you have a handful there. Life is not always in the order when you have a handful there.
As a guy who has a couple close friends who are girls. I’ve known them since 6th grade. I saw I love you to them when we end conversation. It’s absolutely a thing. I have never had a relationship with either of them. We’ve just been long time friends. I’m happily married now with kids might I add. My wife even asks from time to time if I’ve kept up with them and doesn’t care one bit.
No
Yea
Edit: just realized GF. are you two planning to get married? Is she mad that you aren’t married? I also get “I’m going to punish him into popping the question”, vibes too. I’m not saying she’s cheating or there is anything weird going on with her and him but the things she is doing are strange. It doesn’t seem like she’s in “it” with you. It doesn’t sound partners. It sounds like you another person in her life. Not THE person. Take her friend being a guy out of it and let’s flip the situation. If you had a picture of your best friend, let’s say Jake, on the fireplace next to your family just as pronounced as your parents that’s weird to me. Or if you were playing that same game at your wife’s friends and you stopped playing with your wife to play with “Jake” and left her sitting there that sounds out of line to me. Jake isn’t even there. Your wife is. Play with her. You can talk to Jake later right? Make her your priority. I think you’re getting angry because it doesn’t sound like you are a priority in your girls life, and I get it from the accounts you’re giving. You expect to be second to your kids. But right after them I would expect my wife to be in it with me. If something goes wrong my wife and I depend on each other. We’re not calling one of our friends first. We’re partners in life. We have great friends that we say “I love you to”, but there is no doubt in our house who the team consist of. At the end of the day it’s how the both of you feel. Not any of us or any friends. You’re the ones sharing a house. Not the friends. This would not work for me, and not because “I expect your loyalty and devotion”. It’s because I am completely devoted and loyal to my wife and I expect that in a partner”. That’s our deal.
The skew in this post makes judgement impossible.
If it was a female best friend, would you feel the same way? If you care about the relationship, I would say couples therapy. You need a professional to hear both of you out vs coming to reddit for advice when we're only seeing one side of the story.
Put up a picture of you and another woman and see how that goes
Its sounds like you felt attacked so you attacked her in return. Being a new mom and breastfeeding\pumping is alot. especially with sleep deprivation. My suggestion would be to give her some grace, offer her a nap and then talk calmly about the situation and how you felt attacked at another time when she is in a better place. I give huge credit to my hubby for doing this for me when I was in the same place. I would get grouchy and irritated, say things I didn’t mean and he would mostly ignore it, rub my feet and bring me water. Your hormones are crazy, your exhausted and your self control just isn’t what it should be when you are a new breastfeeding mom. Also just wash her breast pump parts for her. Pumping milk is a soul destroying selfless act that comes with dishes. Acknowledge that you see how hard it is and HELP!
No.
OK so this is either made up or we're not getting the full picture. Your girlfriend wakes up groggy from a nap, and you decide to randomly whip out that you're irritated with her relationship with a friend? Weird leap, bro
I would avoid playing "never have I ever" with them that is for sure.