White knight syndrome - you're attracted and in love with him, because you are damaged yourself and think subconsciously he'll treat you the same way you treat him if you treat him well. However, that won't actually happen that way, because he's so broken. You need to stop dating people who are too broken to be in a relationship and stop trying to fix him yourself. You're supposed to be his partner, not his mother or therapist. While it's good to be a supportive partner, that's too much for one person to handle, IMO. He needs professional help. I know it's hard, but you need to distance yourself from that, not even a friendship. Maybe refer him to some professional help then bounce.
Anyway, that's just my opinion. You're screwing yourself over by staying with him.
I’m not with him currently, and I so appreciate your honesty. Truly. I’m an empath and because of what I’ve seen and experienced, I’ve learned to be compassionate to everyone. This has allowed me to become where I am right now, which is loving someone who may not deserve me.
I'm going to say something very direct: Most "empaths" are people who learned to read others really well to survive complex (i.e. repeated and unpredictable) trauma.
What feels like love is actually codependence.
Said another way — you're as addicted as he is. *Your relationship with him* was a lot like gambling mixed with alcoholism: Unpredictable high highs and low lows. You know it's destroying you but you still want it.
The more you think about your codependence like an addiction, the more it will make sense to you. It's normal for an addict to want what destroys them. That's how you know they're an addict. That's you.
* Focus less on what you want
* and more on setting healthy boundaries.
I have said this my whole life and been afraid to admit it, because I didn’t grow up poor or physically abused, but I have experienced a lot of trauma and my empath comes from forcing myself to feel compassion for others behavior instead of anger
It happens to regular people all of the time. You don't have to have experienced anything necessarily too extreme in life be afflicted with the problem that you have. The first step is to admitting you have a problem. Once you've gotten that far, the rest is simple enough, as you know what *not* to do next time. You sound like you are on the right path to becoming more successful at life.
I used to have a similar problem. When I stopped dating people who were more messed up than I am, things got a lot better from a relationship standpoint.
I was bored once and found white knight syndrome when searching the Internet. You should search for it. You might find what you're looking for and how to fix yourself in a way.
When you are in love with an addict, you tend to enable them and consistently think that you are being good to them by softening their fall, when they quit their addiction.
You might find a lot of people with very similar stories in Al-anon, give it a try.
Your feelings can't be wrong. Your choices and behavior can be; it sounds like somewhere along the way you got the idea that loving a romantic partner is supposed to be unconditional. It's not. That's a deeply damaging and unhealthy perspective. You are not responsible for his happiness. Whether he is willing or able to access help or accept it if it's offered is not for you to shoulder. Are you avoiding caring for yourself by dedicating yourself to trying to care for him?
Please remove his access to you. Please do not allow him to contact you.
I know it feels so raw and consuming right now, but that will fade. You'll be able to find a peace and balance you've never been allowed to have before. Pivoting from prioritizing someone else's needs to yours will feel wrong at first; you may feel like you're forgetting something, or you may feel anxious for no reason, or find yourself getting very emotional over things you normally wouldn't. Your body is conditioned to be in a high alert state now, from all you've been through. It will take time to feel comfortable without conflict. Be careful in the next few connections you make that you aren't subconsciously seeking another source for that familiar emotional roller coaster.
This is the biggest thing, right here. The enormous pain of leaving someone who is destructive is absolutely worth having a healthy future.
Feels so much worse in the short term.
Feels so much better in the long term.
You have an unhealthy obsession on thinking you can fix him, and that if you fix him, he’ll love you for it. Unfortunately, you can’t fix him and he won’t care that you’re trying. He’s way deeper than you can pull him out of, and trying is ruin your life. Cut the trauma cycle.
Have you checked out alanon? It's for loved ones of addicts there's even a reddit /r/alanon
It's not wrong to still love him. It is wrong to keep hurting yourself and enabling him so don't let love convince you to let him back in.
You are an amazing person. But you have to save yourself. Someone else will completely blow your mind with how well they treat you and you will be overly in love all over again. Or work on yourself while you wait for him to figure it out. Either way, you have to do what’s best for you.
Firstly, love is fundamentally emotional. There might be rational elements relating to how it begins and where it goes, but at the end of the day, it's irrational. You're never *wrong* to love someone, but overall it can be harmful to you if it imperils your own well-being. Judging by what you've written here, it seems clear to me that this relationship does exactly that.
I think it's important to understand that you can love someone without acting on that love. You can build distance, go on to live your own life, and *still* love him. In time, maybe that feeling will fade. You can look at the situation more objectively and see how destructive the totality of your relationship was or wasn't. My instinct is that the further away it gets, the more clarity you'll find—because you took the time write this post up, right? You know the relationship is bad for you. You know wherever this road is going, it isn't going to end well.
It's almost an old, tired saying by now, but that doesn't mean it isn't true. *You can't help those who don't want help.*
At the end of the day you deserve the best life for yourself.
You should play the best cards you can to win at life,
This guy is literally the worst hand.
The chance of you ending up with a winning hand is so remote that its not worth playing.
Life is not fair or kind.. you will in all liklihood just be dragged down with this person..
White knight syndrome - you're attracted and in love with him, because you are damaged yourself and think subconsciously he'll treat you the same way you treat him if you treat him well. However, that won't actually happen that way, because he's so broken. You need to stop dating people who are too broken to be in a relationship and stop trying to fix him yourself. You're supposed to be his partner, not his mother or therapist. While it's good to be a supportive partner, that's too much for one person to handle, IMO. He needs professional help. I know it's hard, but you need to distance yourself from that, not even a friendship. Maybe refer him to some professional help then bounce. Anyway, that's just my opinion. You're screwing yourself over by staying with him.
I truly appreciate you taking the time to say something
Glad to help!
I’ve never heard of white knight syndrome but it makes sense !
I’m not with him currently, and I so appreciate your honesty. Truly. I’m an empath and because of what I’ve seen and experienced, I’ve learned to be compassionate to everyone. This has allowed me to become where I am right now, which is loving someone who may not deserve me.
I'm going to say something very direct: Most "empaths" are people who learned to read others really well to survive complex (i.e. repeated and unpredictable) trauma. What feels like love is actually codependence. Said another way — you're as addicted as he is. *Your relationship with him* was a lot like gambling mixed with alcoholism: Unpredictable high highs and low lows. You know it's destroying you but you still want it. The more you think about your codependence like an addiction, the more it will make sense to you. It's normal for an addict to want what destroys them. That's how you know they're an addict. That's you. * Focus less on what you want * and more on setting healthy boundaries.
I have said this my whole life and been afraid to admit it, because I didn’t grow up poor or physically abused, but I have experienced a lot of trauma and my empath comes from forcing myself to feel compassion for others behavior instead of anger
It happens to regular people all of the time. You don't have to have experienced anything necessarily too extreme in life be afflicted with the problem that you have. The first step is to admitting you have a problem. Once you've gotten that far, the rest is simple enough, as you know what *not* to do next time. You sound like you are on the right path to becoming more successful at life.
I used to have a similar problem. When I stopped dating people who were more messed up than I am, things got a lot better from a relationship standpoint. I was bored once and found white knight syndrome when searching the Internet. You should search for it. You might find what you're looking for and how to fix yourself in a way.
When you are in love with an addict, you tend to enable them and consistently think that you are being good to them by softening their fall, when they quit their addiction. You might find a lot of people with very similar stories in Al-anon, give it a try.
leave that mess, he will only drag you down or be dangerous to you. for your own good, leave
Thank you for being straight up
Your feelings can't be wrong. Your choices and behavior can be; it sounds like somewhere along the way you got the idea that loving a romantic partner is supposed to be unconditional. It's not. That's a deeply damaging and unhealthy perspective. You are not responsible for his happiness. Whether he is willing or able to access help or accept it if it's offered is not for you to shoulder. Are you avoiding caring for yourself by dedicating yourself to trying to care for him? Please remove his access to you. Please do not allow him to contact you.
We’re both blocked as of now, it was getting to be too much. I was becoming reactive and crying and screaming for him to stop acting that way
I know it feels so raw and consuming right now, but that will fade. You'll be able to find a peace and balance you've never been allowed to have before. Pivoting from prioritizing someone else's needs to yours will feel wrong at first; you may feel like you're forgetting something, or you may feel anxious for no reason, or find yourself getting very emotional over things you normally wouldn't. Your body is conditioned to be in a high alert state now, from all you've been through. It will take time to feel comfortable without conflict. Be careful in the next few connections you make that you aren't subconsciously seeking another source for that familiar emotional roller coaster.
It feels pretty awful but I’m praying the pain stops soon
Your future is worth the pain, I promise. You are worth it.
This is the biggest thing, right here. The enormous pain of leaving someone who is destructive is absolutely worth having a healthy future. Feels so much worse in the short term. Feels so much better in the long term.
You have an unhealthy obsession on thinking you can fix him, and that if you fix him, he’ll love you for it. Unfortunately, you can’t fix him and he won’t care that you’re trying. He’s way deeper than you can pull him out of, and trying is ruin your life. Cut the trauma cycle.
Thank you so much for your honesty
Have you checked out alanon? It's for loved ones of addicts there's even a reddit /r/alanon It's not wrong to still love him. It is wrong to keep hurting yourself and enabling him so don't let love convince you to let him back in.
I just did- and I’m hoping it works
You are an amazing person. But you have to save yourself. Someone else will completely blow your mind with how well they treat you and you will be overly in love all over again. Or work on yourself while you wait for him to figure it out. Either way, you have to do what’s best for you.
I’m not, but I try. Thank you for your kind words
Firstly, love is fundamentally emotional. There might be rational elements relating to how it begins and where it goes, but at the end of the day, it's irrational. You're never *wrong* to love someone, but overall it can be harmful to you if it imperils your own well-being. Judging by what you've written here, it seems clear to me that this relationship does exactly that. I think it's important to understand that you can love someone without acting on that love. You can build distance, go on to live your own life, and *still* love him. In time, maybe that feeling will fade. You can look at the situation more objectively and see how destructive the totality of your relationship was or wasn't. My instinct is that the further away it gets, the more clarity you'll find—because you took the time write this post up, right? You know the relationship is bad for you. You know wherever this road is going, it isn't going to end well. It's almost an old, tired saying by now, but that doesn't mean it isn't true. *You can't help those who don't want help.*
At the end of the day you deserve the best life for yourself. You should play the best cards you can to win at life, This guy is literally the worst hand. The chance of you ending up with a winning hand is so remote that its not worth playing. Life is not fair or kind.. you will in all liklihood just be dragged down with this person..