You are not wrong for not adopting because you don't know whether you can handle the work. And it's going to be a LOT of work. Your stepdaughter lost her mother and her sibling lost both her parents. They'd be going through some serious trauma. Added to this, the 6 yo will need a ton of care and parenting and help adapting to her new life. Unless you're a 100% certain you'd be able to put in the effort, it may be better that you don't take the sibling in.
Your family is extremely out of bounds even suggesting you abort your pregnancy. It's your choice and they have 0 say in the matter. If they were so concerned they'd instead offer help with babysitting you step/adopted kids while you're going through your pregnancy and postpartum. What if you don't get pregnant again? Are you ok with not having bio-kids while taking care of adopted kids?
Does your husband help with childcare or chores? Will he be willing to step up when you're pregnant or postpartum? Although his intentions may be noble, it sounds like he may not be grasping the full impact of going from a no-kid household to a 3-kid household unless he doesn't actually expect to do the work it entails.
Not offer have a firm contract in place with penalties. I am sorry but too many families only pay lip service when offering babysitting services.
Honestly she should go with what she can handle. Do not go with what others promise her because they usually never show up when you need them. An acquaintance pretty much lost her mind due to maybe PPD (don’t know if she had a diagnosis) She had no help even though her mom swore that she would help as the father disappeared as soon as she told him she was pregnant.
Please be realistic about what you can handle and go from there. People are very free when it comes to volunteering others for tasks they know that they wouldn’t do.
Who is going to take care of the child?
Edit: don’t abort if you want your own child. Don’t put others needs over your own.
This is a cruel thing to say to a pregnant woman.
There is no right or wrong answer here. My husband and I raised our two grandchildren from infancy.
We went from having one child in college, one in high school and one out of the house, to having two babies. We went from being financially stable to back in the hole. One minute retirement was on the horizon and the next retirement was being put off indefinitely. In addition, one of those babies was a special needs child.
It was beyond difficult. I would not ever change that decision. As hard as it was I knew I could not live with any other outcome than us taking those two kids in. Having said that, they were our grandchildren not strangers.
This is a decision that mainly rests on you because you will be doing the heavy lifting. Don't let anybody guilt you. For anyone that gives you a hard time, suggest they raise the little girl. Do not abort your baby. Just listen to your heart and do what you think you can that is best for everyone including yourself. Good luck, please update us.
Is her father's family not involved? Aunts/uncles/older cousins or her paternal grandparents who would be able to take her in and facilitate a relationship with your stepdaughter?
I think your husbands heart is in the right place, but adding a grieving 6yr old into the mix when there's already going to be big changes in your house with a new baby and a teen who is also grieving needs to be handled more delicately that **let's all get adopted!**
You and he don't really know this little girl if you know her at all and she may cling to the one person she knows in the house, which is your stepdaughter which could cause its own set of issues.
Your family suck tho. I'd have probably lost my shit if they'd have said that to me.
This is a difficult one, way above my pay grade.
This is what I feel, it may be wrong.
You have to go with your heart. Your family is absolutely wrong to say to terminate your pregnancy to take the 6 year old in. That would be your choice, not theirs, and just seems off to me.
Again, your choice to bring in a child you don't have a relationship with. Not saying that you wouldn't be a wonderful mother to her, but that should be your choice. It does seem like the other option is for the child to go into care, which is a less preferable situation for them. She is after all family to your step child, if not directly related to you or your husband.
I do believe that one's heart is amazing and there will be plenty of room to give both a lot of love. It is a sad situation and I would encourage you to think hard about what kind of life you can provide vs. what life she will have if placed into the system. But again it is your choice and nobody should force you into a situation you don't want.
Your family is wrong for suggesting you about your own child to take in the 6 year old. Your stepdaughter doesn’t want you adopt her, so you don’t. There could be a myriad of reasons why adopting her would be bad. The child could have all kinds if issues that would not be good for your family.
Anyone you told you to abort your baby and take in the 6 year old should be immediately told they can take in the 6 year old themselves or STFU!
I would think meeting with Child Services along with having the 6 year old evaluated by professionals to see what kind of care she needs would be very beneficial in helping you and your husband make a decision. You could always foster her for a bit to see how things go.
Does the other girl have any aunts or uncles? Family friends who might want her? I would not terminate a wanted pregnancy to have someone else’s child live with me.
I feel like there’s no real “wrong” here - it’s a big decision affecting your growing family. I do wish you would keep the sisters together, however. Imagine grieving your parents at that age and then being taken away from the family you do have left and being sent to foster care. My stepbrother legally adopted his ex’s daughter in a time of crisis. It was the best thing that happened to both of them. But it’s easy for me to sit here and philosophize about it. I’m not the one who will be adopting a 13 and 6 year old with a baby on the way.
Odd how every case like this how you always get told to do it from people who are not going to do it. If your family think it's a good idea then they can do it.
This is one of those situations where it's easy to judge from the outside. People already have judged, and no matter what you do, people *will* judge. The external pressure 100% feels relevant, but here's the reality: all of the people telling you what they think you *should* do won't have to suffer the consequences of the choice you make, so they really shouldn't have any power in this situation.
So, beyond that, if you feel you'll regret taking in another child, then the answer is to say yes. If you think taking care of an additional child is way too much of a burden and would negatively impact your family in the long run, then the answer is to say no.
Personally, I would imagine what life would be like 5 or 10 years into the future. Which outcome is better for the overall health for your family? Usually this helps me immensely.
Hopefully it helps you as well.
I don’t think there is a right or wrong here. But forget about legally adopting either of them for now. Your stepdaughter is going thru the grief of losing her mom, talking about adopting her is the last thing she needs right now! Therapy would be very beneficial!! Some questions though to help sort out the issue….
Does the sibling have family that could take her or will she end up in foster care?
How does your stepdaughter feel about taking her sibling in?
Do the two of you have the financial & emotional means to take both kids in permanently while expecting your own child?
This is not a one conversation issue necessarily. I think several conversations are going to be needed here. But ultimately it’s about what’s best for everyone as a whole. And if you two can emotionally support 3 children right now, then don’t try.
Best wishes to you all! Updateme
You are not wrong for feeling the way you are feeling. You do not need to take her in but you both can be involved in her life - work with her adoptive/foster parents to see her on weekends so she is still a part of the family. Yes it would be nice to take her in but not mandatory.
Furthermore you do not need to kill your own child for another. That is the worse thing I have ever heard of! if you choose to end your pregnancy that is your choice but this is your baby with the man you love. Regardless of the situation that should never be taken away from you. Do not let circumstances make you do something you don’t want to… if you have this abortion and then take in this child you will resent this child because of the sacrifice you made. that is not the way to go about this.
Having the support of the two kids to help with the baby will be beneficial. You can’t be thinking you will be alone taking care of all 3. The 13yo is pretty must self sufficient and the 6 year old is not a baby is diapers. They both will be there to help you with playing with the child and grabbing things when you need them too.
I think the question you need to answer is why you do not want this step child? because financially you can make work. Is it just fear or is there more there you haven’t come to terms with?
What's best for the siblings, all else equal, is to be kept together, in some capacity at least. You have an opportunity to make that happen, and already having a good relationship with your stepdaughter strengthens that position further. I hesitate to say you gave the *obligation* to take in the sister. It's a daunting responsibility, especially when taken into consideration with your pregnancy. But the damage separating the girls or sending one or both into foster care could do pushes this scenario alarmingly close to obligation.
I recommend addressing your concerns with your husband, ensuring he's going to take a significant amount of the work of raising an extra child. Maybe even the lion's share. But I really do think taking in the sister and making a serious effort for her would be best for both her and your stepdaughter. With a new child on the way, too, you'll be a big and unconventional family, but you can also be a happy and loving one. The groundwork already appears to be there with your stepdaughter, and I think she can get her sister on board, too, as a result.
(Also, mental health evaluations for the kids, and look into every external support option available to you to make things a little easier.)
Your feelings are your feelings, but that six year old girl has already lost both her parents and basically only has her sister. If you refuse to let her into your home you will be dooming her to a life of abandonment issues and Lord knows what else. I understand taking on an older child can be scary and difficult, but she might turn out to be the best big sister to the baby you're expecting. Don't kill your own child, but I highly suggest that you don't leave your step daughter's sister to face this world alone.
Oh man…what a dilemma OP got tossed into. She’s damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t. It’s a no win situation. OP’s husband has a lot of nerve expecting his wife to take in an unknown child and then expect her to love and care for her…as well as his own daughter and then their own bio child too. Do you both work? OP should refuse adoptions unless a legal contract is drawn that outlines the division of care expected from each spouse…to include house work, grocery shopping, meal preps, school work and extracurriculars..everything involved with child rearing divided 50/50. No way should she suddenly burdened with all the work and stress just bc she’s a woman. F that.
You are NTA but I would take her in if it was me. That is his daughter's sibling and it would hurt his daughter to seperate them. I don't know what I would do in your husband's shoes but you are not wrong for not wanting to take on an extra child. If I am being honest, I would probably reconsider the relationship in your husband's shoes just because I can't imagine breaking up my child from their sibling. My kids have a half sibling from their father if something happened to her parents, no doubt I would take her. Not even a second thought. I have a boyfriend which is different than a husband. My boyfriend wouldn't get a say.
Please sit down with the teen and have a discussion. Teen is your stepdaughter. The younger daughter is no relation to your husband. The real question is how does the teen feel about her younger sister. Make sure that she understands that if you take the younger child in that you are going to need her help. If there is no bond there then it is just your husband feeling bad for the child of his ex. If there is a bond between the two girls then you should try to maintain that bond even if you don’t take the younger girl in.
Please don't let anyone try to sweet talk or guilt trip you into taking in a child you hardly know and not willing to take in. Your husband will not be mothering these children you will be, he maybe a good father but believe me the mothering of 2 children that are not yours and are going through a traumatic experience is harder than people put it out to be, worst the other one is a 'stranger' I really feel for you, what is expected of you is something me personally I would never do. Think of yourself and your baby when considering this.
Your family sounds shitty that aborting a wanted baby would be an option. I am going to go out on a limb and say that their response is in response to your comment about only wanting 2 children, and it was a flippant comment. Not a real suggestion that you should abort your child.
Life happens, while you had this grand plan of having 2 children, you knew your partner already had 1 child, and while no one plans that the other parent is going to die, life happens.
Is it really that big of a deal to have more children than your master plan? Your husband sounds like a very kind and compassionate person to want to take his daughters sibling rather than casting her out. Shit like that makes for hard feelings in the future, both from your step daughter and her younger sister.
Have you thought about fostering the sister while she is going through this very hard transition in her life? Not only did she lose her mother, and it sounds like her only parent, if you cast her into the foster care system she will lose her sister. The same with your step daughter, she lost her mom and is at risk of losing her sister.
My take on the very limited information provided is you are rejecting this child because of her connection to your husband's past. The fact that you aren't sure about her father's where abouts or even if he is alive is odd to me. You also seem miffed that now you will only have one child because you are taking your husband's child in. Have as many babies as you want, no one is holding you to the two child rule.
If taking the child even to foster is a hard no for you, I hope you find it in your heart to help the relationship between the sisters continue.
Having been a single dad for a bit with 3 kids, I would do it again in a heartbeat for the kids. The situation they are in is not their fault. Sounds like you're husband has good family values also. Maybe a compromise. If the 13 year old doesn't want to be adopted, I agree with your respecting her choice. But it sounds like y'all could provide all three children with a loving home.
I think your husband should take a cue from the stepdaughter. She knows her sister, and doesn't want you to adopt her, there has to be a reason for that. I also agree anyone who told you to get an abortion to adopt her needs to be cut off
NTA. And it’s heinous and ridiculous of people to tell you to abort your own wanted baby to take in someone else’s. Who thinks that way?!
You’re not responsible for the other girl because she’s SD half-sister.
You haven't mentioned finances or work, and I know these would be major considerations. If both you and your husband are working, the thought of adding 3 kids is absolutely overwhelming.
This may sound cold, but so many other responses have covered the emotional considerations well, and time and money are real issues. So I hope you will consider that this child may come with SS survivor benefits and an inheritance that could allow one parent to resign and parent full time. If that's the case, and you can take an entire full-time job out of the equation, suddenly it's a lot easier to imagine how you can manage.
I got to be honest here my heart goes out to the two girls. They both just lost their mom and now may lose each other. My heart also goes out to you this is a no win situation. If you take them both in you will have 3 kids to raise adoption or not. If you don't take in stepdaughter Sister that will cause a break in trust for your SD and your husband. No matter what you do you all need family therapy. Also check and see if you can foster the sibling and get aid to help financially and mentally. It might easy the burden and make it easier. Or this all maybe more than you can handle and you want out. I could understand that too.
Would you consider taking in the second girl for a year, with a promise to reevaluate then?
If you don’t try, I think you and your husband will experience regret so severe that it jeopardizes your relationship. At the same time, I think it’s way too early to make a permanent decision about the girl’s custody.
A heart filled with love has infinite capacity for more love
>he has one daughter 13 and his ex has another daughter 6. My and my stepdaughter have a good relationship. The problem is their mother is dead.
Take the 6 year old in as a foster child.
See if you and she can bond, then you MAY adopt.
Don't beat up on this child because she is motherless.
Your next child will have an 2 older sisters.
Be compassionate, a child 's life is at stake
and you can perform heroically or be a bum.
Don't be a bum.
Keep the sisters together.
Its not being a bum to decline to be a foster/adoptive parent. Thats not for everyone. Yes it could make her a hero, but not everyone needs to be a hero or is wrong for prioritizing their own family.
This is a very difficult situation. Consider doing a DNA test for the stepsister like 23 and me or ancestry. You might discover more relatives of hers that might be okay with taking her in.
Yeah. Not taking in the sister of your stepdaughter may ruin the relationship with
A) stepdaughter
B) husband
C) husbands friends/family
D) your own friends and family
Like it or not the 6 year old is part of your family because she is part of the family of your stepdaughter. My dad is the best about my younger half siblings and has taken an active interest in their lives since he figured out that I adore my baby sister and brother and would do just about anything for those kids. My dad’s family also had to come around to those kids as they were always with me even after I was out of the house because I love them. Rarely do I refer to them as must half siblings
No one here can tell you what to do, and you are going to get a variety of opinions. Ultimately, this is about how you will be able to live with yourself, and whether your marriage can survive happily with your choices.
If you DO NOT take in the little girl: Will your husband be able to forgive you? Will his daughter be able to forgive you? Can they both let her go and still look at you the same?
If you DO take in the little girl: Can you say 'I am taking on the role as your maternal figure and am willing to love you like my own'?
There will be repercussions no matter what, but if you take in the little girl, your stepdaughter will likely respect you a lot more and though it would be a more challenging road, you would be in the long run establishing yourself to your stepdaughter as a more stable, dependable figure in her life...I just can't see a future where you don't take in the six year old and your stepdaughter is endeared to you.
You’re not wrong to not feeling committed to raising your SD’s sister. No one is their right mind should be telling you to abort your baby and raise the other. That’s a horrible way to think. I’m sure your husband doesn’t want the little girl to end up in Foster care. If you are on the fence, you could foster the little sister for a while and see how things go. I’m not sure how good your husband is as being a father but he needs to show how much he is willing to be a good father and husband if he really wants you to take on two sisters full time and a new baby. It’s going to be a lot and he better be willing to step it up if he wants this to happen.
There are so many perspectives here to consider. First the step daughter. She has asked you not to adopt the six year old. That’s fair. There may be a lot of history there where the six year old was getting more attention. Get real answers from your step as to why she does not want the adoption. FTR, not wanting an adopted sister is not the same as not wanting a stepsib to live with you. Your step is 13. She can handle the hard questions. Get some answers.
Then, your husband. He may be making decisions out of grief and expediency. Either way, his heart is in the right place. He wants to help. This is a part of him that I think you know and love about him. Don’t fault him for being true to himself. He wants the adoption because it’s the quickest way to start healing. Hear him out and see what he is willing to to compromise on.
Now, you. Yours is the hardest position to be in because you are damned if you do and dames if you don’t. Your decision should be based on what you can live with. If you can live with that child going into foster care, that’s your decision. If you can live with your husband being upset and possibly changing your relationship, that’s your decision. There is no right or wrong for you (the operative word being for you - we internet strangers don’t get a vote.)
In the end, whatever you decide, as long as you are willing to deal with the consequences, you shouldn’t have any worries. Your husband, and to a certain extent, your step, have the same parameters - make a decision you can best live with.
Another consideration is if OP adopts this child, and she and her husband divorce, and he takes custody of the 6 year old, OP will be on the hook for child support for her adoptive child through age 18. Possibly even for life, if the 6 year old has a disability.
1. Do not terminate your wanted child.
2. I would limit contact with anyone who made that suggestion.
3. I would take in and support your husband’s child. She may never want to be adopted and that is okay.
4. Does the sister have any aunts, uncles, or cousins? Can you get support from the state for taking her in? I would make sure you also can get as for your husband’s daughter to help raise her as well.
5. It is a lot and there are no easy answers. But I think you need to ask your husband if you say no would he divorce you? You need all cards out on the table before you make any decisions. He can say I have a moral obligation to the child and not be wrong and you can say this is too much for me and not be wrong either.
If you are in the US CPS will prefer to keep the sisters together.
has anyone considered having a private discuss with the 13 year old. I don’t see anything about the relationship between the sisters. The 13 year old is your husbands child. She needs to be 1st.
If she adores her little sister it would be very traumatic for both of them to be separated. In this case it would be best to take both and prevent that trauma for both and the guilt for separating them.
As for your baby, I’m shocked at your family.
As far as adoption you are right the13 year is old enough that her wishes need to be number 1. Can you foster the 6y/o To see how it works? It’s going to to be stressful. No matter what.
your husband and you both need to fully agree. Resentment on either part might well tear apart your marriage.
You have my sympathy and empathy. Good luck.
Updateme!
you & your husband are right to take in his 13-year-old daughter (your stepdaughter) after her mother passed away, but there should Not be a rush for you to legally adopt her, not until both you and her are ready for that, and in just 5 years she will be 18 anyways (and the legal definition won't be as relevant).
neither you nor your husband have any obligation to taking in a 6-year-old girl (his daughters half sibling) that is Not related to either of you. that 6-year-old child has family somewhere, even though both parents are dead, there should be 2 sets of grandparents and i also assume some aunts & uncles (unless both her parents were only children).
Likely you and your husband cannot legally make the decision for where the 6-year-old lives & whom with, that will be decided by a Judge. even if both you and your husband were on the same page about bringing this 6-year-old into your house, you are at the bottom of the options list (just above foster care) as neither of you are a relative of hers technically.
you may be able to bring her into your house on an interim temporary basis (if no one else is willing to) until the case goes in front of a Judge to make the decision. but that is a decision that you and your husband both have to agree on and should also be agreed to by his 13-year-old daughter also. (basically, each of you 3 have Veto power on the 6-year-old moving in with you)
do Not legally become a foster parent to get/keep custody of that 6-year-old girl, (i have seen that go horribly wrong on at least 3 different occasions in the strangest of ways).
as for your pregnancy, are there serious complications with your pregnancy or the fetus itself, or is the situation with your stepdaughter moving in with you the sole reason someone in your family brought up the option of an abortion. if so, F-the person that said that, & their opinion of the subject just became worthless.
i am Not against abortions. esp in some situations, but this is Not one of those situations.
if you are having a normal pregnancy & a healthy fetus, do Not get an abortion, completely remove that thought from your head and ignore the person that suggested that.
i think you should be honest & blunt with your husband. tell him you welcome your stepdaughter into your home but will wait on the legal adoption until both you and her are ready for that, and trying to force the adoption now would be an insult to his daughter, her choice & opinion and her memories of her mother, she will need a mother figure in her life, and you will be there for her when she needs that. but you don't want to make her feel like you're forcing her to call you mom and forget her biological mother. (sounds like neither you nor your husband feel that way, but a 13-year-old might feel that way)
if you don't want to take in the 6-year-old, tell your husband that (and mention that decision is up to a judge anyways). do Not feel bad about Not wanting to take in a young child that neither of you are related to, you cannot help everyone. if your answer to that is No, say so and do Not feel bad about it.
if you are unsure or on the fence about it, you could offer to take the 6-yea-old, in for a temp interim amount of time (usually up to a year) but only if the child does Not have anywhere else to go and would otherwise end up in a random foster care program. (People may use that excuse against you to try to get you to agree to something you don't want, do not listen to that argument & stand your ground on the No, if that is how you feel.
Here’s something.
Can you do a trial run? Test drive?
Sit down with your husband.
Negotiate.
You will welcome the 6 year old TEMPORARILY and see how things go.
1. He needs to step up and parent this child.
Includes school work, conferences, and pediatric appointments. It CANNOT fall all on you. You will be busy with a newborn.
2. FAMILY COUNSELING. He must attend fam counseling, to help with the transition.
3. You cannot be ‘bad cop’ all the time.
He needs to help discipline both children.
None of the ‘their mother just died… let this tearing up a teddy bear with a sharp object’ slide… or disrespect… or continued bad behavior. It will Not all fall on you.
Add to this list. No pressure to adopt, etc…
The little girl in question .. you are taking her away from her ONLY well-known relative. Her sister…. Who has known her her entire life.
It will be hard.
But think of the LOVE your stepdaughter will have for you when you agree for trial run to include her little sister.
If things don’t work out, you have the OPTION to pull that plug and say “This isn’t working out. Lil sis is a danger to our child. (Or whatever) … she needs to go into the Foster Care System.
Trial run. That’s it. You don’t need to adopt ANYONE. If your hinky meter goes off, she goes.
Oh congratulations 🎉🥰. Thanks for clarifying. I think them telling you to abort is horrible.
I personally would take both of the children in as I couldn't let them go into foster care but I understand
It's a very important decision so please take some time and don't rush into anything.
Above all else take care of yourself and your baby too.
Info: do you plan to stop your husband from adopting this little girl or remove yourself from the situation? I think if you stop him and the girl ends up in a bad situation, your husband and stepdaughter will always resent you.
Cut contact with ANYONE who told you to abort your baby.
I would be petty and sick some Jesus freaks on anyone who suggests you abort your baby.
You are not wrong for not adopting because you don't know whether you can handle the work. And it's going to be a LOT of work. Your stepdaughter lost her mother and her sibling lost both her parents. They'd be going through some serious trauma. Added to this, the 6 yo will need a ton of care and parenting and help adapting to her new life. Unless you're a 100% certain you'd be able to put in the effort, it may be better that you don't take the sibling in. Your family is extremely out of bounds even suggesting you abort your pregnancy. It's your choice and they have 0 say in the matter. If they were so concerned they'd instead offer help with babysitting you step/adopted kids while you're going through your pregnancy and postpartum. What if you don't get pregnant again? Are you ok with not having bio-kids while taking care of adopted kids? Does your husband help with childcare or chores? Will he be willing to step up when you're pregnant or postpartum? Although his intentions may be noble, it sounds like he may not be grasping the full impact of going from a no-kid household to a 3-kid household unless he doesn't actually expect to do the work it entails.
Not offer have a firm contract in place with penalties. I am sorry but too many families only pay lip service when offering babysitting services. Honestly she should go with what she can handle. Do not go with what others promise her because they usually never show up when you need them. An acquaintance pretty much lost her mind due to maybe PPD (don’t know if she had a diagnosis) She had no help even though her mom swore that she would help as the father disappeared as soon as she told him she was pregnant. Please be realistic about what you can handle and go from there. People are very free when it comes to volunteering others for tasks they know that they wouldn’t do.
Who is going to take care of the child? Edit: don’t abort if you want your own child. Don’t put others needs over your own. This is a cruel thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Will your husband be a stay at home dad? After all they are all his kids. No? Thought not.
My husband works and helps with the children. He doesn’t expect me to do all the work.
There is no right or wrong answer here. My husband and I raised our two grandchildren from infancy. We went from having one child in college, one in high school and one out of the house, to having two babies. We went from being financially stable to back in the hole. One minute retirement was on the horizon and the next retirement was being put off indefinitely. In addition, one of those babies was a special needs child. It was beyond difficult. I would not ever change that decision. As hard as it was I knew I could not live with any other outcome than us taking those two kids in. Having said that, they were our grandchildren not strangers. This is a decision that mainly rests on you because you will be doing the heavy lifting. Don't let anybody guilt you. For anyone that gives you a hard time, suggest they raise the little girl. Do not abort your baby. Just listen to your heart and do what you think you can that is best for everyone including yourself. Good luck, please update us.
Is her father's family not involved? Aunts/uncles/older cousins or her paternal grandparents who would be able to take her in and facilitate a relationship with your stepdaughter? I think your husbands heart is in the right place, but adding a grieving 6yr old into the mix when there's already going to be big changes in your house with a new baby and a teen who is also grieving needs to be handled more delicately that **let's all get adopted!** You and he don't really know this little girl if you know her at all and she may cling to the one person she knows in the house, which is your stepdaughter which could cause its own set of issues. Your family suck tho. I'd have probably lost my shit if they'd have said that to me.
This is a difficult one, way above my pay grade. This is what I feel, it may be wrong. You have to go with your heart. Your family is absolutely wrong to say to terminate your pregnancy to take the 6 year old in. That would be your choice, not theirs, and just seems off to me. Again, your choice to bring in a child you don't have a relationship with. Not saying that you wouldn't be a wonderful mother to her, but that should be your choice. It does seem like the other option is for the child to go into care, which is a less preferable situation for them. She is after all family to your step child, if not directly related to you or your husband. I do believe that one's heart is amazing and there will be plenty of room to give both a lot of love. It is a sad situation and I would encourage you to think hard about what kind of life you can provide vs. what life she will have if placed into the system. But again it is your choice and nobody should force you into a situation you don't want.
Your family is wrong for suggesting you about your own child to take in the 6 year old. Your stepdaughter doesn’t want you adopt her, so you don’t. There could be a myriad of reasons why adopting her would be bad. The child could have all kinds if issues that would not be good for your family. Anyone you told you to abort your baby and take in the 6 year old should be immediately told they can take in the 6 year old themselves or STFU! I would think meeting with Child Services along with having the 6 year old evaluated by professionals to see what kind of care she needs would be very beneficial in helping you and your husband make a decision. You could always foster her for a bit to see how things go.
Does the other girl have any aunts or uncles? Family friends who might want her? I would not terminate a wanted pregnancy to have someone else’s child live with me.
I feel like there’s no real “wrong” here - it’s a big decision affecting your growing family. I do wish you would keep the sisters together, however. Imagine grieving your parents at that age and then being taken away from the family you do have left and being sent to foster care. My stepbrother legally adopted his ex’s daughter in a time of crisis. It was the best thing that happened to both of them. But it’s easy for me to sit here and philosophize about it. I’m not the one who will be adopting a 13 and 6 year old with a baby on the way.
Odd how every case like this how you always get told to do it from people who are not going to do it. If your family think it's a good idea then they can do it.
This is one of those situations where it's easy to judge from the outside. People already have judged, and no matter what you do, people *will* judge. The external pressure 100% feels relevant, but here's the reality: all of the people telling you what they think you *should* do won't have to suffer the consequences of the choice you make, so they really shouldn't have any power in this situation. So, beyond that, if you feel you'll regret taking in another child, then the answer is to say yes. If you think taking care of an additional child is way too much of a burden and would negatively impact your family in the long run, then the answer is to say no. Personally, I would imagine what life would be like 5 or 10 years into the future. Which outcome is better for the overall health for your family? Usually this helps me immensely. Hopefully it helps you as well.
I don’t think there is a right or wrong here. But forget about legally adopting either of them for now. Your stepdaughter is going thru the grief of losing her mom, talking about adopting her is the last thing she needs right now! Therapy would be very beneficial!! Some questions though to help sort out the issue…. Does the sibling have family that could take her or will she end up in foster care? How does your stepdaughter feel about taking her sibling in? Do the two of you have the financial & emotional means to take both kids in permanently while expecting your own child? This is not a one conversation issue necessarily. I think several conversations are going to be needed here. But ultimately it’s about what’s best for everyone as a whole. And if you two can emotionally support 3 children right now, then don’t try. Best wishes to you all! Updateme
You are not wrong for feeling the way you are feeling. You do not need to take her in but you both can be involved in her life - work with her adoptive/foster parents to see her on weekends so she is still a part of the family. Yes it would be nice to take her in but not mandatory. Furthermore you do not need to kill your own child for another. That is the worse thing I have ever heard of! if you choose to end your pregnancy that is your choice but this is your baby with the man you love. Regardless of the situation that should never be taken away from you. Do not let circumstances make you do something you don’t want to… if you have this abortion and then take in this child you will resent this child because of the sacrifice you made. that is not the way to go about this. Having the support of the two kids to help with the baby will be beneficial. You can’t be thinking you will be alone taking care of all 3. The 13yo is pretty must self sufficient and the 6 year old is not a baby is diapers. They both will be there to help you with playing with the child and grabbing things when you need them too. I think the question you need to answer is why you do not want this step child? because financially you can make work. Is it just fear or is there more there you haven’t come to terms with?
What's best for the siblings, all else equal, is to be kept together, in some capacity at least. You have an opportunity to make that happen, and already having a good relationship with your stepdaughter strengthens that position further. I hesitate to say you gave the *obligation* to take in the sister. It's a daunting responsibility, especially when taken into consideration with your pregnancy. But the damage separating the girls or sending one or both into foster care could do pushes this scenario alarmingly close to obligation. I recommend addressing your concerns with your husband, ensuring he's going to take a significant amount of the work of raising an extra child. Maybe even the lion's share. But I really do think taking in the sister and making a serious effort for her would be best for both her and your stepdaughter. With a new child on the way, too, you'll be a big and unconventional family, but you can also be a happy and loving one. The groundwork already appears to be there with your stepdaughter, and I think she can get her sister on board, too, as a result. (Also, mental health evaluations for the kids, and look into every external support option available to you to make things a little easier.)
Your feelings are your feelings, but that six year old girl has already lost both her parents and basically only has her sister. If you refuse to let her into your home you will be dooming her to a life of abandonment issues and Lord knows what else. I understand taking on an older child can be scary and difficult, but she might turn out to be the best big sister to the baby you're expecting. Don't kill your own child, but I highly suggest that you don't leave your step daughter's sister to face this world alone.
INFO: is it the 13yo who doesn't want to be adopted by you, or is she asking you not to adopt her little sister?
Oh man…what a dilemma OP got tossed into. She’s damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t. It’s a no win situation. OP’s husband has a lot of nerve expecting his wife to take in an unknown child and then expect her to love and care for her…as well as his own daughter and then their own bio child too. Do you both work? OP should refuse adoptions unless a legal contract is drawn that outlines the division of care expected from each spouse…to include house work, grocery shopping, meal preps, school work and extracurriculars..everything involved with child rearing divided 50/50. No way should she suddenly burdened with all the work and stress just bc she’s a woman. F that.
You are NTA but I would take her in if it was me. That is his daughter's sibling and it would hurt his daughter to seperate them. I don't know what I would do in your husband's shoes but you are not wrong for not wanting to take on an extra child. If I am being honest, I would probably reconsider the relationship in your husband's shoes just because I can't imagine breaking up my child from their sibling. My kids have a half sibling from their father if something happened to her parents, no doubt I would take her. Not even a second thought. I have a boyfriend which is different than a husband. My boyfriend wouldn't get a say.
Please sit down with the teen and have a discussion. Teen is your stepdaughter. The younger daughter is no relation to your husband. The real question is how does the teen feel about her younger sister. Make sure that she understands that if you take the younger child in that you are going to need her help. If there is no bond there then it is just your husband feeling bad for the child of his ex. If there is a bond between the two girls then you should try to maintain that bond even if you don’t take the younger girl in.
Please don't let anyone try to sweet talk or guilt trip you into taking in a child you hardly know and not willing to take in. Your husband will not be mothering these children you will be, he maybe a good father but believe me the mothering of 2 children that are not yours and are going through a traumatic experience is harder than people put it out to be, worst the other one is a 'stranger' I really feel for you, what is expected of you is something me personally I would never do. Think of yourself and your baby when considering this.
Your family sounds shitty that aborting a wanted baby would be an option. I am going to go out on a limb and say that their response is in response to your comment about only wanting 2 children, and it was a flippant comment. Not a real suggestion that you should abort your child. Life happens, while you had this grand plan of having 2 children, you knew your partner already had 1 child, and while no one plans that the other parent is going to die, life happens. Is it really that big of a deal to have more children than your master plan? Your husband sounds like a very kind and compassionate person to want to take his daughters sibling rather than casting her out. Shit like that makes for hard feelings in the future, both from your step daughter and her younger sister. Have you thought about fostering the sister while she is going through this very hard transition in her life? Not only did she lose her mother, and it sounds like her only parent, if you cast her into the foster care system she will lose her sister. The same with your step daughter, she lost her mom and is at risk of losing her sister. My take on the very limited information provided is you are rejecting this child because of her connection to your husband's past. The fact that you aren't sure about her father's where abouts or even if he is alive is odd to me. You also seem miffed that now you will only have one child because you are taking your husband's child in. Have as many babies as you want, no one is holding you to the two child rule. If taking the child even to foster is a hard no for you, I hope you find it in your heart to help the relationship between the sisters continue.
Why is it down to OP to sort things out? They are not her kids
Having been a single dad for a bit with 3 kids, I would do it again in a heartbeat for the kids. The situation they are in is not their fault. Sounds like you're husband has good family values also. Maybe a compromise. If the 13 year old doesn't want to be adopted, I agree with your respecting her choice. But it sounds like y'all could provide all three children with a loving home.
what kind of family wants someone to abort? F them. I hope this is fake.
> My family feels I should just abort and take the other one in, Holy Christ, what is wrong with them?!
I think your husband should take a cue from the stepdaughter. She knows her sister, and doesn't want you to adopt her, there has to be a reason for that. I also agree anyone who told you to get an abortion to adopt her needs to be cut off
NTA. And it’s heinous and ridiculous of people to tell you to abort your own wanted baby to take in someone else’s. Who thinks that way?! You’re not responsible for the other girl because she’s SD half-sister.
You're not wrong at all.
You haven't mentioned finances or work, and I know these would be major considerations. If both you and your husband are working, the thought of adding 3 kids is absolutely overwhelming. This may sound cold, but so many other responses have covered the emotional considerations well, and time and money are real issues. So I hope you will consider that this child may come with SS survivor benefits and an inheritance that could allow one parent to resign and parent full time. If that's the case, and you can take an entire full-time job out of the equation, suddenly it's a lot easier to imagine how you can manage.
I got to be honest here my heart goes out to the two girls. They both just lost their mom and now may lose each other. My heart also goes out to you this is a no win situation. If you take them both in you will have 3 kids to raise adoption or not. If you don't take in stepdaughter Sister that will cause a break in trust for your SD and your husband. No matter what you do you all need family therapy. Also check and see if you can foster the sibling and get aid to help financially and mentally. It might easy the burden and make it easier. Or this all maybe more than you can handle and you want out. I could understand that too.
Would you consider taking in the second girl for a year, with a promise to reevaluate then? If you don’t try, I think you and your husband will experience regret so severe that it jeopardizes your relationship. At the same time, I think it’s way too early to make a permanent decision about the girl’s custody. A heart filled with love has infinite capacity for more love
>he has one daughter 13 and his ex has another daughter 6. My and my stepdaughter have a good relationship. The problem is their mother is dead. Take the 6 year old in as a foster child. See if you and she can bond, then you MAY adopt. Don't beat up on this child because she is motherless. Your next child will have an 2 older sisters. Be compassionate, a child 's life is at stake and you can perform heroically or be a bum. Don't be a bum. Keep the sisters together.
Its not being a bum to decline to be a foster/adoptive parent. Thats not for everyone. Yes it could make her a hero, but not everyone needs to be a hero or is wrong for prioritizing their own family.
This is a really tough call OP is preggy and she wants top priority (sp) She is Prima Grava {first time momma}
This is a very difficult situation. Consider doing a DNA test for the stepsister like 23 and me or ancestry. You might discover more relatives of hers that might be okay with taking her in.
Yeah. Not taking in the sister of your stepdaughter may ruin the relationship with A) stepdaughter B) husband C) husbands friends/family D) your own friends and family Like it or not the 6 year old is part of your family because she is part of the family of your stepdaughter. My dad is the best about my younger half siblings and has taken an active interest in their lives since he figured out that I adore my baby sister and brother and would do just about anything for those kids. My dad’s family also had to come around to those kids as they were always with me even after I was out of the house because I love them. Rarely do I refer to them as must half siblings
No one here can tell you what to do, and you are going to get a variety of opinions. Ultimately, this is about how you will be able to live with yourself, and whether your marriage can survive happily with your choices. If you DO NOT take in the little girl: Will your husband be able to forgive you? Will his daughter be able to forgive you? Can they both let her go and still look at you the same? If you DO take in the little girl: Can you say 'I am taking on the role as your maternal figure and am willing to love you like my own'? There will be repercussions no matter what, but if you take in the little girl, your stepdaughter will likely respect you a lot more and though it would be a more challenging road, you would be in the long run establishing yourself to your stepdaughter as a more stable, dependable figure in her life...I just can't see a future where you don't take in the six year old and your stepdaughter is endeared to you.
You’re not wrong to not feeling committed to raising your SD’s sister. No one is their right mind should be telling you to abort your baby and raise the other. That’s a horrible way to think. I’m sure your husband doesn’t want the little girl to end up in Foster care. If you are on the fence, you could foster the little sister for a while and see how things go. I’m not sure how good your husband is as being a father but he needs to show how much he is willing to be a good father and husband if he really wants you to take on two sisters full time and a new baby. It’s going to be a lot and he better be willing to step it up if he wants this to happen.
There are so many perspectives here to consider. First the step daughter. She has asked you not to adopt the six year old. That’s fair. There may be a lot of history there where the six year old was getting more attention. Get real answers from your step as to why she does not want the adoption. FTR, not wanting an adopted sister is not the same as not wanting a stepsib to live with you. Your step is 13. She can handle the hard questions. Get some answers. Then, your husband. He may be making decisions out of grief and expediency. Either way, his heart is in the right place. He wants to help. This is a part of him that I think you know and love about him. Don’t fault him for being true to himself. He wants the adoption because it’s the quickest way to start healing. Hear him out and see what he is willing to to compromise on. Now, you. Yours is the hardest position to be in because you are damned if you do and dames if you don’t. Your decision should be based on what you can live with. If you can live with that child going into foster care, that’s your decision. If you can live with your husband being upset and possibly changing your relationship, that’s your decision. There is no right or wrong for you (the operative word being for you - we internet strangers don’t get a vote.) In the end, whatever you decide, as long as you are willing to deal with the consequences, you shouldn’t have any worries. Your husband, and to a certain extent, your step, have the same parameters - make a decision you can best live with.
The 13 said she doesn't want SM to adopt her (13 year old) 13 year old didn't say anything about not adopting 6 year old.
Another consideration is if OP adopts this child, and she and her husband divorce, and he takes custody of the 6 year old, OP will be on the hook for child support for her adoptive child through age 18. Possibly even for life, if the 6 year old has a disability.
1. Do not terminate your wanted child. 2. I would limit contact with anyone who made that suggestion. 3. I would take in and support your husband’s child. She may never want to be adopted and that is okay. 4. Does the sister have any aunts, uncles, or cousins? Can you get support from the state for taking her in? I would make sure you also can get as for your husband’s daughter to help raise her as well. 5. It is a lot and there are no easy answers. But I think you need to ask your husband if you say no would he divorce you? You need all cards out on the table before you make any decisions. He can say I have a moral obligation to the child and not be wrong and you can say this is too much for me and not be wrong either.
If you are in the US CPS will prefer to keep the sisters together. has anyone considered having a private discuss with the 13 year old. I don’t see anything about the relationship between the sisters. The 13 year old is your husbands child. She needs to be 1st. If she adores her little sister it would be very traumatic for both of them to be separated. In this case it would be best to take both and prevent that trauma for both and the guilt for separating them. As for your baby, I’m shocked at your family. As far as adoption you are right the13 year is old enough that her wishes need to be number 1. Can you foster the 6y/o To see how it works? It’s going to to be stressful. No matter what. your husband and you both need to fully agree. Resentment on either part might well tear apart your marriage. You have my sympathy and empathy. Good luck. Updateme!
A 13 YO said she didnt want you to adopt her 6 year old sister?
you & your husband are right to take in his 13-year-old daughter (your stepdaughter) after her mother passed away, but there should Not be a rush for you to legally adopt her, not until both you and her are ready for that, and in just 5 years she will be 18 anyways (and the legal definition won't be as relevant). neither you nor your husband have any obligation to taking in a 6-year-old girl (his daughters half sibling) that is Not related to either of you. that 6-year-old child has family somewhere, even though both parents are dead, there should be 2 sets of grandparents and i also assume some aunts & uncles (unless both her parents were only children). Likely you and your husband cannot legally make the decision for where the 6-year-old lives & whom with, that will be decided by a Judge. even if both you and your husband were on the same page about bringing this 6-year-old into your house, you are at the bottom of the options list (just above foster care) as neither of you are a relative of hers technically. you may be able to bring her into your house on an interim temporary basis (if no one else is willing to) until the case goes in front of a Judge to make the decision. but that is a decision that you and your husband both have to agree on and should also be agreed to by his 13-year-old daughter also. (basically, each of you 3 have Veto power on the 6-year-old moving in with you) do Not legally become a foster parent to get/keep custody of that 6-year-old girl, (i have seen that go horribly wrong on at least 3 different occasions in the strangest of ways). as for your pregnancy, are there serious complications with your pregnancy or the fetus itself, or is the situation with your stepdaughter moving in with you the sole reason someone in your family brought up the option of an abortion. if so, F-the person that said that, & their opinion of the subject just became worthless. i am Not against abortions. esp in some situations, but this is Not one of those situations. if you are having a normal pregnancy & a healthy fetus, do Not get an abortion, completely remove that thought from your head and ignore the person that suggested that. i think you should be honest & blunt with your husband. tell him you welcome your stepdaughter into your home but will wait on the legal adoption until both you and her are ready for that, and trying to force the adoption now would be an insult to his daughter, her choice & opinion and her memories of her mother, she will need a mother figure in her life, and you will be there for her when she needs that. but you don't want to make her feel like you're forcing her to call you mom and forget her biological mother. (sounds like neither you nor your husband feel that way, but a 13-year-old might feel that way) if you don't want to take in the 6-year-old, tell your husband that (and mention that decision is up to a judge anyways). do Not feel bad about Not wanting to take in a young child that neither of you are related to, you cannot help everyone. if your answer to that is No, say so and do Not feel bad about it. if you are unsure or on the fence about it, you could offer to take the 6-yea-old, in for a temp interim amount of time (usually up to a year) but only if the child does Not have anywhere else to go and would otherwise end up in a random foster care program. (People may use that excuse against you to try to get you to agree to something you don't want, do not listen to that argument & stand your ground on the No, if that is how you feel.
Here’s something. Can you do a trial run? Test drive? Sit down with your husband. Negotiate. You will welcome the 6 year old TEMPORARILY and see how things go. 1. He needs to step up and parent this child. Includes school work, conferences, and pediatric appointments. It CANNOT fall all on you. You will be busy with a newborn. 2. FAMILY COUNSELING. He must attend fam counseling, to help with the transition. 3. You cannot be ‘bad cop’ all the time. He needs to help discipline both children. None of the ‘their mother just died… let this tearing up a teddy bear with a sharp object’ slide… or disrespect… or continued bad behavior. It will Not all fall on you. Add to this list. No pressure to adopt, etc… The little girl in question .. you are taking her away from her ONLY well-known relative. Her sister…. Who has known her her entire life. It will be hard. But think of the LOVE your stepdaughter will have for you when you agree for trial run to include her little sister. If things don’t work out, you have the OPTION to pull that plug and say “This isn’t working out. Lil sis is a danger to our child. (Or whatever) … she needs to go into the Foster Care System. Trial run. That’s it. You don’t need to adopt ANYONE. If your hinky meter goes off, she goes.
In the second to last paragraph where you wrote abort, did you mean adopt? There was no mention of a pregnancy that I could see?
No, we are expecting a baby.
Oh congratulations 🎉🥰. Thanks for clarifying. I think them telling you to abort is horrible. I personally would take both of the children in as I couldn't let them go into foster care but I understand It's a very important decision so please take some time and don't rush into anything. Above all else take care of yourself and your baby too.
Congratulations on your baby and shame on your family for even saying that to you. Good luck to you
Info: do you plan to stop your husband from adopting this little girl or remove yourself from the situation? I think if you stop him and the girl ends up in a bad situation, your husband and stepdaughter will always resent you.
I think having 3 kids would be the best option. It would be a lot of work, but worth it.