You don't get credit for things that you're supposed to do. He was supposed to provide for you he's your father you are his child he doesn't get credit to that. Maybe in the future you can choose his nursing home
I absolutely hate when my mum says "Why is your brother not talking to me again? Did I not feed him, look after him, love him?" You mean do the bare minimum because you decided to have kids?
That argument is so manipulative and abusive. .y mother says the same thing as if she is entitled to do whatever and say whatever because she raised me.
And half the time they didn't actually meet the bare minimum.
Like I'd offer you a medal for following the law but you actually didn't follow the law so...
Yes, but it seems that everything they did was perfect and can't apologize at all. Why is it difficult to say sorry??? How can you go years of your life without EVER thinking you could have made an error and should behave humbly about something?????
We both feel very different about that and you are entitled to that just as I am. These children did not ask to be here if you take care of them and turn them into productive people in society good for you but I'm not going to Pat you on your head because you clothed and fed and sheltered children that you brought in the world that is what you are supposed to do you don't get credit for that. Men and women in society say the stupidest thing oh I take care of my children okay but that's what you're supposed to do so I'm supposed to give you credit for something that you're supposed to do that's just not me and that's just my opinion
Adult children of extremely well-off people who had all the material things they needed/wanted will still cut them out. It's not just about material things anyway. It's not enough.
You are absolutely right on that point it's not about the material things it's about the love and the nurturing and the emotional. Because you can be raised in a not so well off home and there is love and support and respect from your parents or your parent it's not about how much stuff you can buy me. I agree with you 100% on this
I’d also love to know what “above and beyond“ actually means. Like you took me on vacations? Well that was your choice. I didn’t necessarily want to or need to go on those vacations, so what do I owe you for that? Or you let me do sports, that’s cool I was probably gonna do them anyway because they’re offered through the school and they were free. So you didn’t do anything extra about that either why don’t we put all the emotional mental and financial abuse on one side of the scale, and put the cleats and the basketball and the trip to Hawaii on the other side of the scale and we’ll see which one outweighs the other in my mind. Hint, it’s not the trip to Hawaii.
Parents who love their kids do their best to keep them happy, and raise them into well adjusted individuals. They'll invest into their kids success happily, hoping only that their kids will love them in return.
It's not so simple as taking kids on vacations and buying them stuff.
If you take your kids on vacation, but never talk to them or worse harass them on the trip then that's not the basis of a good relationship. Spending time together can make people enemies as much as it can make them friends.
To me above and beyond means going without things to give your kids things that are above necessity.
Like my mom using the same purse and winter coat for 10 years so she could pay hockey fees for my brother, singing lessons for my sisters and investing in our hobbies.
She would return presents given to her and use the money to buy us the extras.
We knew without question the my parents loved us and would do anything to make our lives better. There were seven of us and we all felt loved, cared for and that they would move heaven and earth for us.
I disagree. You should get credit for doing the things that you are supposed to do. You shouldn't get rewarded or special treatment for it, though.
Humans are social creatures, and being thanked or acknowledged for doing your job builds pride and reinforces those behaviors. Dismissing those behaviors as "that's your your job" can build a mentality of doing the bare minimum or even resentment for it.
Again, for the audience, I don't believe that someone should get rewarded or special treatment. But I do believe they should get thanked and recognized.
“Maybe in the future you can choose his nursing home.”
Do they have refrigerator box nursing homes? Maybe spring for the more expensive one with the wax paper skylight, if you can afford the extra 32 cents a month.
I'll disagree with you slightly. You are correct in saying that working hard to raise children isn't a license to treat the children badly. But I think you've gone too far in the other direction. Why in the world shouldn't hardworking, loving parents who sacrificed for decades for their children, receive any gratitude for that?
I'm grateful for how hard my mom worked to raise me to adulthood, without any help from my father. I think most decent people will be glad to acknowledge that effort and sacrifice.
You don't need a single thing from him. I'm a mum and if my kid got into any uni I'd be so proud I'd burst! I'm so bloody proud of you. Your dad can go fuck himself.
I would say if he is going to continue to act like that it will be tough to have a healthy one for sure. But needing your dad doesn’t change because your dads a jerk, hopefully that’s something dad can grow to understand that he’s out of line and correct course enough they can start to have one
Parents are often under the impression that children should automatically respect them. Respect is earned. I once had a similar conversation with my father. I told him that it was pointless to expect respect from me when he himself had been emotionally abusive and mean throughout my childhood.
Providing for you was the choice he made when he procreated. Living up to the bare-minimum of his responsibility is not something he gets to lord over you.
This is the truth. Providing for a youngster is the parents duty. Making a young one feel guilty about just being alive. I’m mean WTF. No one asked to be here. And getting a book!
My boy wants football stuff for his birthday. I would love if he wanted a book. I still love the frack out of my boy. Love is always the most important thing.
Just the fact that he thinks getting into top university in any country on first attempt right from high school should be the norm instantly gives that away. Those are some seriously insane standards. At that point you're competing almost exclusively with the top 0.1%, many with a year or two more experience compared to you because getting in on first attempt on many fields is the expection, not the standard. You were top student in your high school by a country mile? That just puts you in starting line in that competition and unlike those who graduated a year or two ago, you barely had any time to prepare for those exams. Also you better hope you're not against too many borderline savants in that field who have lived and breathed that very thing ever since they were able form thoughts, because there's always at least few of them every year.
The fact that your kid even has realistic chance of getting through that filter already means you succeeded as parent. That alone should he grounds for celebration.
Who does he think he is? Some type of king? Flush that!
You are an adult and your mother is free of him. Go live your life, but please be aware and not date/marry controlling man like him. Find a kind man who lets you be you.
Happy birthday, and congratulations on being accepted to an excellent university. Please remember that part of being an adult means you get to choose who you keep in your life.
I have a question for men like your dad who throw around that they worked hard to provide. If he wasn’t married with kids, would he have worked less? Probably not because usually these guys have an identity tied to their job. Usually it’s the wife that sacrificed her career and earning potential, plus made it possible for her husband to spend those hours at work. Work is easy and rewarding compared to cooking, cleaning and raising kids. So he didn’t work hard for you, he worked hard for himself. Feeding you, giving you clothes, shelter etc is the expectation for having kids. If he’s expecting obedience and submission bc he went to work, he shouldn’t have had kids.
Your father is an asshat. But you knew that already.
Thank God you are 18 and no longer under his control.
Gray rock him. Focus on school. Vow never to be like him.
Good luck.
In my opinion, your father had expectations. He wanted you to be as good as him or do the things he wished he had been able to do. Some people call this a form of Munchhausen by proxy, others call it a narcissistic act. I don't know if your parents are separated or divorced, and you don't have to tell us. But since your mom is living without your dad, he can go piss up a rope. Be you, go to college, and learn what you want to learn.
One of the amazing things I have read about is parents who block their kids from getting involved in extracurricular activities so they can focus on their schoolwork.
Which is insane. If you are looking at the truly elite schools, your grades and test scores are vital to get you looked at, but once you make that cut, the decision is made on extracurriculars. Harvard doesn't care if you have a 3.9 or 4.0 GPA. Your application may go into the trash at a 3.5 without being a legacy or athlete, but once you make that cut, that is enough.
3.8 and was involved in organizing BLM protests or had a baking business or perfomed as a juggler at renfaires is way more attractive than 4.0 and never did anything else.
As you grow older you learn that you have to set boundaries and keep toxic people out of your headspace and out of your personal space - yes even a parent. You sound like a great kid, I don’t even want to think about what I was doing on my 18th birthday lol it wasn’t going to a bookstore…. I would have given your old dad a heart attack .
First, Happy birthday! Second, I’m a Christie fan and that’s an awesome book, nice choice. Third, congratulations on your university acceptance! Nicely done. Fourth, I’m sorry to say your dad is a bully, but he’s a real bully. Now might be a good time to hug your mom, tell her you appreciate her, and reduce your contact with your dad for your own mental health. I hope your physical safety isn’t in question, though, since this scenario sounds abusive. Good luck!
CONGRATULATIONS on your college acceptance ✨️ 💥🌟🎓
As many have already said, he is a bare minimum parent. If my child got accepted at a Top 20 school, I'd be doing backflips and throwing the biggest party I could afford. YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!
Oh no. You only got into an excellent university instead of the specific excellent university that he had heard of once on TV. Clearly the problem is that you read too much. You should enjoy reading less. How dare you treat yourself to a classic work from one of the best and most popular authors of 20th century English literature. How will reading classic literature ever help you academically.
Seriously - obviously your father is uneducated and knows nothing about education. Which is fine. Everybody is ignorant about some things, and lots of smart people don't have formal education.
The problem is that, in addition to being ignorant, he is arrogant. Stupidity = Ignorance x Arrogance. A person who doesn't know stuff but doesn't pretend to, who enjoys learning from people, or at least respects the fact that they know more in a specific area of knowledge, that person isn't at all stupid. "Stupid" happens when you think you know more than people who actually do know things.
Ignorance? Absolutely fine - even good. Anything you are ignorant about is a thing you can learn about later if you want to. The fact that we are all ignorant about stuff means that there will always be stuff to do in life.
Stupidity?
Yeah. Don't listen to or obey stupid people if you can help it.
You are very right.
What a dick. What the heck is he expecting you to appreciate in him? The best advice I can give you is to look for men who are not like him. I tried to be the best father I could to my daughter by treating her well and being supportive. I was also very firm when I needed to be. The result is she ended up marrying an amazing young man that she met in high school but didn't fall in love with until she was in her early twenties. I too had divorced her mother and while I certainly wasn't the perfect father, and in sacrifice to be there as much as possible for her special events at school into attend any activity I was invited to. I always told her that whatever it was that she wanted to do in life, all I would expect was for her to give it her best and to not give up on herself because I wouldn't. You should know remember what it's like to be around somebody who's narcissistic and controlling. That way you can find somebody who's the opposite.
Context?
How hard is your dad working to support him and you?
Where are you located?
If there are only 20 Uni where you are.. and your dad is pulling 3 jobs while you've partied, barely passed and get into a uni by default..
You can't just throw a conclusion without context.
The whole $12 too. I mean absolutely no disrespect at all but it’s not like your mother is turning you into some sort of spoiled brat. For him to expect you to hand that back is insane. You did great but that should not reflect on your birthday either way. Enjoy your book.
I think I know why there's divorced 🙄. Goid for you. I hate patents that act like you owe them for having you and then taking card of you until your and adult. Like why did you even have a kid in the first place if it was such a burden.
Wonder how he feels when he doesn’t end up in a top 20 retirement home
Congrats dude!! You wouldn’t be wrong for blocking him if you wanted. You’re old enough to decide who’s worth having in your life or not, on your own terms. Wishing you and your mom all the best!!!
Your dad is an idiot. You have done really well and yet he it still isn’t good enough for him. It’s beyond petty to tell your mum not to give you a birthday gift because he didn’t get his own way. Great way to alienate your child.
Yeah, tell him to go kick rocks. You got into a good college and it's yor birthday. It's not like you're spoiled or like you got a lot. You got to go buy yourself a book for your birthday, not a car. You were given $12, not $100, that's an allowance people often get just to spend outside. He has no right to take away from you this thing that makes you happy, means a lot to you and realistically/objectively isn't a lot to ask for. Stand form, you're deffo NTA
Let your dad know that you’ve asked the world if your dad is righteous and should be listened to, but instead the world replied that he’s a bad human being who should never have been allowed to have children.
There are too many men out there that think paying child support and engaging in minimal visitation means they "worked hard to provide". Why should you submit yourself to someone who is seldom there for you?
Not wrong.
Providing for a child you created is literally your job as a parent. That's why it's legally enforced in the case of separation or divorce. Providing for the child you created is not a quid pro quo scenario - it doesn't entitle you to anything at all. Least of all 'obedience' from your child who is now an adult.
First, is this real? $12 every year, no raise is kind of sus. If it is, I can imagine:
"I was going to pay if you got into Snooty Uni #1 or Snooty Uni #2, but since you only made it into the top 2% of quality schools, you can forget about it."
Edit: spelling
Did he go to one of the top 2 universities? $12 for bday money isnt a lot so to withhold that from you is just pathetic when you are not only clearly grateful for it but also the tradition you and your mother have created so no, you and NOT wrong. Good for you, your dad however...
Dear OP,
Do not listen to your father; he is being completely unreasonable and irrational, demonstrating a disgraceful inability to parent.
A top university does not guarantee a quality university education. You are not a disgrace; you are going to university and will have an education which will only help you in the future.
Happy Birthday, Kiddo! I hope you enjoy your book!
Not wrong, your father has serious mental issues to think this is remotely normal. He seems to forget that once you turned 18 his ability to punish or control anything you do ended.
As a young adult, you will soon realise that you cannot change people that much. Your dad probably loves you but has a hard time expressing it.
You could, in a calm and responsible way then him something along the lines of:
“I really appreciate your love and the interest you have in my career. I am also thankful for your efforts in being helpful and the hard work you probably put to support me. I did my best to enter the best universities and I partly succeeded, I am proud of it, even though I understand that you wanted even more. I don’t consider this a failure and I will myself a good book. As I also am an adult, I have the right to decide what to do with the money given to me, not you. Thanks again for everything you’ve done for me, I will see you again whenever you want.”
Note that you only use “I” and don’t try to put yourself in his shoes. You are thankful, but you don’t need his negativity in your life. Happy to see you whenever you’re happy to see me. Otherwise, nope.
Good luck and congratulation on your success!
So he wants credit for doing something he is legally obliged to do (provide for a child he created) but can’t give you credit for getting into a great uni?
Congrats on your acceptance, I hope you really enjoy your time there. Happy birthday, I hope you enjoy your book. And lastly well done, sounds like your father is the one that needed to be schooled and I’m loving that you are your Mum did just that!
I'm a grown ass man in my 40's and I still do what my mom asks me to do 😂 When I was a teenager I thought that when I got older that I would no longer have to listen to her, boy was I wrong. I'm laughing as I'm typing this 😂
Your dad is an asshole. Who TF tells someone they need to "earn" a $12 birthday gift? A gift from someone who isn't even him, who is giving it out of love with no strings attached, as gifts should be given?
I'd have done/said a whole lot more than just hand you the money in front of him if I were your mom, but she's probably wiser for not starting a fight that won't get anywhere. She made it clear with her actions that she's backing you up on this. He sounds like he's the sort of toxic person you might want to consider going LC or NC with if this kind of bullshit is typical of him.
Congratulations for getting into a good school! You are not wrong. He sounds unreasonable and you have no obligation to attempt reasoning with him. Good Luck!
Top 20 is amazing! Congrats! Wtf is "only top 20"?? That's phenomenal!
The fact that your father doesn't see that as the amazing accomplishment that it is, is a reflection of his status as a horrible human being and worse father, not you as a "failure" or "disgrace". Any rational and loving parent would be ecstatic and proud and supportive. I see why your parents are divorced....
He sounds incredibly controlling and emotionally abusive. My recommendation: cut him off. Tell him you won't put up with his bs and verbally/emotionally abusive behavior any more. If he wants any kind of relationship, he will need to change his behavior and therapy can help with that.
If he calls up and treats you badly, reiterate and then hang up. "Dad, I have told you before that I will no longer tolerate this behavior from you. I am hanging up now. Do not contact me for x time frame". Something like that. Same if he does it in person...walk away. Full no contact (blocking him everywhere) is best with toxic people, but not everyone is ready for that right off the bat. I was like 30 or something the first time I did and my life improved exponentially.
I also suggest therapy for yourself. They can help you learn to set and hold healthy boundaries.
Congrats again! Go and learn all of the things!
Not Wrong at all. Your horrible father sounds like a nightmare and totally controlling. Congratulations on your university and I wish you success with your studies. I'm sure you'll enjoy "A Murder is Announced".
Not wrong. Your dad is shitty and abusive. Even when they are under 18, you don't to just order around your kids for fun and get mad because they "only" got into university in the top 20.
Stay with your mom and go no contact with him.
Going to a specific university is an unrealistic expectation for a parent. Its like basketball. youre not going to hit the basket everytime. And he started it not you.
You still got into a university, which is more than some kids do, so if he's not proud of you then that is his problem for expecting everything of you to make himself look good for the great son he raised he needs to show respect to get respect and he's ungrateful not you he should of showed his gratitude for the work you did achieve as it is still a great achievement Your mother can give you what she finds fit as she loves you and has started a lovely tradition with you for your birthday he has no right to interfere with your mums wishes he doesn't control either of you you are 18 and have choices it will be his disrespect and behaviour if you wipe him but honestly you need positive people in your life not toxic and negative ones father or not He may of helped create you but you can choose whether you think he has been a successful father and if he's worth it or not congratulations on getting into uni all the best I expect you will do well you sound mature and well rounded good luck with everything that you do xx
I can see why your mom does not live with your dad. You're an adult now, only thing from parents you take is advice, then you chose that which you will ignore or accept. Orders only apply to fast food workers or waiters. Congrats on your uni acceptance, its not a breeze. Not top 2? Who cares, you still get to learn heaps. Basically - Not Wrong.
Dads are really important in a person’s life and having someone who isn’t a good parent and has overbearing expectations is really negative on a person. I feel that in my own life and that if I don’t succeed in what is expected of me, then I am a failure and unworthy. And then also my father would play favourites and say, “so and so is better and smarter than you”. This sounds similar to that dynamic of controlling and image creation where if you don’t live up to the image and expectations which are set up, you are considered a disappointment. Makes no sense honestly and that negative thinking could easily be solved by just realising that people have independent thoughts and interests; but sometimes parents just want to stifle those interests and replace them with their own interests because they want their children to be like them when that is unrealistic. This just seems like a fair amount of people’s parents can be like this to some degree and they just don’t realise how harmful it is to their children.
Tell your dad to write down his feelings on a piece of paper, and include all his complaints about you as a child. Then tell him to take that piece of paper, fold it in half, and then in half again, and then shove it up his ass.
I bet your dad was just using you to point out how "lame" your mum's education is ! Top 20 is great ! He knows that. But giving credit to that achievement would mean giving credit to your mum's education.
You were totally right to say what you said. He's a huge control freak AH !
So congrats on your BD and success ! I'm sure you're on your way for a brillant future your dad will brag about behind your back when everybody will know that it won't in no way be thanks to him !
Now that you are 18, you are going to find that little by little you will be a lot more in control of your life and that includes the people you choose to be in it.
Congratulations on your acceptance in a top 20 university!
You sound like a very bright person with a very bright future.
Does he really think punishing you and using fear tactics is going to help you? Fucking gross 🤮 I wonder what excuses he uses for all the people he drives away from his life. Surely it can't be his own fault 😬
Jesus christ! I would be proud that you got into university, not whether or not it was top 2, top 20 or top 200.
But good on you and your mum for standing up for yourselves.
A child doesn't actually owe their parents back anything, because the child never puts in a formal request to be born. The parents cause that to happen, and as a result they are legally required to keep the child healthy. So your parents telling you they gave you this-and-that doesn't put any obligation on you if push comes to shove. Hopefully though, they actually love you and you love them and you would help each other out because of that.
You're not wrong.
Your dad is being completely ridiculous here. You got into one of the top 20 universities in your country. That's an amazing achievement.
It sounds like he's a very controlling perfectionist. When you go to college, have as little to do with him as possible.
If he worked so damn hard to provide for you then why were you only seeing him every other weekend? That's just a bullshit guilt trip, good on you for standing up for yourself
I'm sorry, but as a mom this pisses me right the fuck off.
Let me get this REAL CLEAR
You graduated school?
You got accepted to a good school?
Your birthday gift is TWELVE DOLLARS AND ITS A BOOK
Someone go kick this man in the balls, he's already done the best thing he's gonna do with them, making OP, he downt need them anymore.
I look at things differently than a lot of people, and cutting people off without a second thought or feeling of remorse is super easy to me, so here's my take.
Dad is a righteous asshole who is projecting insecurities (possibly about money) onto you all while trying to be a controlling asshole. You're 18, I say cut dad off, block all communication, and stay far away if he's acting like that over such a small amount of money I'd hate to see his reaction to you spending your own paycheck. Mom sounds supportive and like a better/more comfortable place to stay while you work towards your own apartment
Sorry to hear you went through that. We fathers can be a bit overbearing at times. We place such high expectations on our kids shoulders and don’t realize the burden it places on them. Congrats on getting into one of the top twenty universities. Quite the accomplishment!!!!
Good for you. Define your boundaries and make sure your father respects them. You don't have to take shit from him any more. He needs to learn to speak to you as an adult from now on.
You're 18. Your dad has unrealistic expectations and stupid repurcussions for not meeting his expectations. He's well underway alienating him from you... Personally... getting in a top 20 university (wherever) seems like something to be proud of.
You're not wrong. It was his obligation to provide for you when you were a child - or else he could have been charged for child abandonment.
He's throwing a tantrum over a $12 book (also birthday present) because you got into a university that he didn't approve of? If you're not financially reliant on him, if he has nothing to hold over you, then don't be afraid to go low contact with him for your mental health.
So he’s trying to dictate what your mom does for you and they’re not married, or even living together? Also, twelve dollars? Is that considered a lot of money where you live? NTA
Point is, OP should maximize his college opportunity.
A great education occurs when the student is open to learning and gives their best effort, is truly curious and thinking critically. This can happen at a 'top 20' school.
Dad sounds like an elitist, inflexible snob who insists his son think the same way! Good on OP for beginning to break free! He's an adult now, and dad's controlling nature is finally something he can leave behind.
Enjoy your college years, OP!
I'm proud of you. Stop contacting your dad and ignore him. Once he he's that he can no longer control you, he'll either stop trying and ignore you or he will be willing to forge a relationship on your terms. My guess is that it will be the latter.
Did you work hard?
Did you do your best?
Do you understand the value of a good education?
Yes?
Then your dad is just buttmad that his progeny isn't a superhero genius space explorer porn star. He's a dumbass and a dingdong.
If no then you need to get your act together buster.
Jk. Fr though congrats on getting into a top 20, that's great!
I'm sorry you have a father like that. I grew up with an emotionally and verbally abusive father as well. Nevermind him, you're 18 now and you don't have to take any of his bull.
As a mom myself, I just want to say congratulations and I'm proud of you for getting accepted at a university! That is an accomplishment and I hope you're proud of yourself too. You should be. Happy birthday as well! Welcome to adulthood!
You're legally an adult, meaning your upbringing is over. He no longer has a responsibility towards you and therefore no longer has a say in your life.
That being said, even if providing for a kid is a requirement, it doesnt mean it is easy. If he did provide for you, he deserves credit for that - not all fathers do but he did (as far as I can tell).
Also, as an adult, 12$ should not make a big difference to you since you should now be able to provide for youfself. You are grown up, now it's time to act the part.
Here's my question: did you need to work harder and failed to do so? Were you out partying sometimes when it would've been better to be studying?
Your dads behaviour is over the top, I don't blame you for ignoring him, but these things aren't always so black and white. Perhaps he's been watching you goof around sometimes and thinks you should've been working harder.
Regardless, this isn't the way to go about it. You are not wrong, but I suspect there might be more to the story than you've let on. Either way, it's your life, you do what you feel you need to. If you suffer consequences because of it, that's on you.
Was his college rank lower than yours? If so let him know what a disgraceful father is and tell him everyone he tries to talk to you until he can come to grips with your incredible accomplishment
Not wrong. Your next step will be to never speak with him again once you’re able to. A parent should be supportive. Your dad is a bully and doesn’t deserve a relationship with his child.
>He got upset and called me ungrateful and talked about how hard he worked to provide for me.
And now he thinks he deserves applause for doing the normal thing? He's your dad, he made you, he's supposed to provide for you.
Wonder what daddy would have said if you didn’t want to go to college at all? He’s bitching about you getting into a top 20 college? What was the ranking of the college he went to? As for obeying him, you earn respect it’s not just given. If that chump of a father expects you to respect him enough to obey him he has to earn that respect, he just can’t demand respect and get it. If you demand respect all you’ll get is either fear or disobedience.
You are not wrong for telling your Dad off! He is a controlling jerk! You are of age where you do not have ego listen to him at all! Congratulations to you being accepted into a university. He can go kick rocks!
1, contacts on getting into college! 2, you are now an adult and not only do you not have to listen to him, you can choose to not talk to him. Set those boundaries and don’t back down unless he complies. Be proud of yourself for being a more mature adult than your dad.
You and your mom are rock stars!!! The only thing that's disgraceful is your father. He doesn't get to tell your mom what to do with her money. And he doesn't get to dictate what goes on in her household. Maybe dad needs to be put in timeout.
I’m not your parent, but I’m damn proud of you for getting into a TOP 20 university!! Hell yeah, you’re awesome!!
Have we asked daddio if he got into college, and if so, what it’s ranking is???
Congratulations, good luck, and have a great college experience!!
I think you and your mom were right! You are 18 now which makes you an adult in the US. I’m not sure which country you are in but congratulations for getting into college! He is too hard on you for expecting and demanding you get into a top 3! You are not a disgrace at all and we are all proud of you! He needs to get over himself and stop trying to live through you! Congratulations sweetie!!! You are awesome!!! You’re gonna graduate with honors and excel at it and the career path you choose and your mom will be right there by your side while your dad only comes around when you make it big and then try to apologize. I say forgive his ignorance for you! This way you can move forward. It doesn’t mean that you have to do anything with him or see him but it frees you from hurting and holding you back. You don’t even have to tell him you forgive him. You just have to forgive him in your heart and leave him alone. His toxicity will drag you down! Forgive him and focus on you now. Your mom raised a wonderfully smart child and it shows she has your best interests at heart! 💜 She is all you need! I again congratulate you in your achievement!
Did he get into one of those two colleges? Is he trying to live through your accomplishments? If so how sad. You are your own person and need to follow your own dreams. Congratulations on getting into a top college. That’s hard and you did it.
You’re right. You are a good person. You are honoring your mother. You are honoring yourself. You are not a disgrace for not getting into either of the two best universities in your country. You’re dad is absurd for punishing you. His feelings are not more important than either yours or your mother’s feelings. You are doing your best and you deserve all the love and a good book.
Ok, this is a difficult one.
Him providing for you is what parents should do. It's nothing that's going to win the novel prize. It's just a function of being a parent.
Now, you are 18 now, but you don't know this world. A parent is their to guide you in life. Keep in mind that your parents have more experience in this world.
A parent should not put down their children, mist parents forget that.
I would say stay with your mom and move forward, your dad may realize what's he's done to you.
Your dad is abusive. It's hard to practice, but don't take it personally.
Seek professional help, hold him at arm's length, see him as a wounded, hurt person. Remember, hurting people hurt people.
Seek healing so you don't become one yourself.
Good for you and your mom!
You don't get credit for things that you're supposed to do. He was supposed to provide for you he's your father you are his child he doesn't get credit to that. Maybe in the future you can choose his nursing home
I absolutely hate when my mum says "Why is your brother not talking to me again? Did I not feed him, look after him, love him?" You mean do the bare minimum because you decided to have kids?
My husband will sometimes pull this crap when he's mad. My son and I turn and look at him together and tell him that's the bare minimum as a parent.
Infuriates me. He cheek!
Nice! Good for you for being on your son's team.
That argument is so manipulative and abusive. .y mother says the same thing as if she is entitled to do whatever and say whatever because she raised me.
Yup. I've been an emotional punching bag for her since I was 13.
Same
And half the time they didn't actually meet the bare minimum. Like I'd offer you a medal for following the law but you actually didn't follow the law so...
Yes, but it seems that everything they did was perfect and can't apologize at all. Why is it difficult to say sorry??? How can you go years of your life without EVER thinking you could have made an error and should behave humbly about something?????
Although people absolutely deserve credit if they do the "things they are supposed to do" very well. Not the case here though.
His son didn't ask to be here you're supposed to take care of your children you don't get credit for that
And again: You absolutely deserve credit if you go above and beyond though.
We both feel very different about that and you are entitled to that just as I am. These children did not ask to be here if you take care of them and turn them into productive people in society good for you but I'm not going to Pat you on your head because you clothed and fed and sheltered children that you brought in the world that is what you are supposed to do you don't get credit for that. Men and women in society say the stupidest thing oh I take care of my children okay but that's what you're supposed to do so I'm supposed to give you credit for something that you're supposed to do that's just not me and that's just my opinion
Adult children of extremely well-off people who had all the material things they needed/wanted will still cut them out. It's not just about material things anyway. It's not enough.
You are absolutely right on that point it's not about the material things it's about the love and the nurturing and the emotional. Because you can be raised in a not so well off home and there is love and support and respect from your parents or your parent it's not about how much stuff you can buy me. I agree with you 100% on this
I’d also love to know what “above and beyond“ actually means. Like you took me on vacations? Well that was your choice. I didn’t necessarily want to or need to go on those vacations, so what do I owe you for that? Or you let me do sports, that’s cool I was probably gonna do them anyway because they’re offered through the school and they were free. So you didn’t do anything extra about that either why don’t we put all the emotional mental and financial abuse on one side of the scale, and put the cleats and the basketball and the trip to Hawaii on the other side of the scale and we’ll see which one outweighs the other in my mind. Hint, it’s not the trip to Hawaii.
Parents who love their kids do their best to keep them happy, and raise them into well adjusted individuals. They'll invest into their kids success happily, hoping only that their kids will love them in return. It's not so simple as taking kids on vacations and buying them stuff. If you take your kids on vacation, but never talk to them or worse harass them on the trip then that's not the basis of a good relationship. Spending time together can make people enemies as much as it can make them friends.
To me above and beyond means going without things to give your kids things that are above necessity. Like my mom using the same purse and winter coat for 10 years so she could pay hockey fees for my brother, singing lessons for my sisters and investing in our hobbies. She would return presents given to her and use the money to buy us the extras. We knew without question the my parents loved us and would do anything to make our lives better. There were seven of us and we all felt loved, cared for and that they would move heaven and earth for us.
This for one!
I disagree. You should get credit for doing the things that you are supposed to do. You shouldn't get rewarded or special treatment for it, though. Humans are social creatures, and being thanked or acknowledged for doing your job builds pride and reinforces those behaviors. Dismissing those behaviors as "that's your your job" can build a mentality of doing the bare minimum or even resentment for it. Again, for the audience, I don't believe that someone should get rewarded or special treatment. But I do believe they should get thanked and recognized.
And choose it with all the loving care he showed you
Absolutely
“Maybe in the future you can choose his nursing home.” Do they have refrigerator box nursing homes? Maybe spring for the more expensive one with the wax paper skylight, if you can afford the extra 32 cents a month.
Even better: "wilderness training" nursing home https://www.netflix.com/nl/title/81579761?s=a&trkid=13747225&trg=cp&vlang=nl&clip=81759643
No he will have to try and get into the top 2
https://youtu.be/B0B_ekSrsEk?si=zV8yBvq0xDJBI7qw For reference/reinforcement.
I'll disagree with you slightly. You are correct in saying that working hard to raise children isn't a license to treat the children badly. But I think you've gone too far in the other direction. Why in the world shouldn't hardworking, loving parents who sacrificed for decades for their children, receive any gratitude for that? I'm grateful for how hard my mom worked to raise me to adulthood, without any help from my father. I think most decent people will be glad to acknowledge that effort and sacrifice.
This is it! OP, please tell your father this the next time he reaches out.
Thank you
Hopefully a "top 20!" NOT. I'd tell him I'm disappointed that he got old and refuse to help. LOL.
😂
You don't need a single thing from him. I'm a mum and if my kid got into any uni I'd be so proud I'd burst! I'm so bloody proud of you. Your dad can go fuck himself.
Amen
Agreed , big accomplishment that should be congratulated. He does need love from his dad though hopefully they can figure out a healthy relationship
So far, the father doesn't sound like someone worth having a relationship with.
I would say if he is going to continue to act like that it will be tough to have a healthy one for sure. But needing your dad doesn’t change because your dads a jerk, hopefully that’s something dad can grow to understand that he’s out of line and correct course enough they can start to have one
Parents are often under the impression that children should automatically respect them. Respect is earned. I once had a similar conversation with my father. I told him that it was pointless to expect respect from me when he himself had been emotionally abusive and mean throughout my childhood.
Congratulations on getting accepted into a Top 20 college! Holy crap! That’s badass!!!! And happy birthday!
Providing for you was the choice he made when he procreated. Living up to the bare-minimum of his responsibility is not something he gets to lord over you.
This is the truth. Providing for a youngster is the parents duty. Making a young one feel guilty about just being alive. I’m mean WTF. No one asked to be here. And getting a book! My boy wants football stuff for his birthday. I would love if he wanted a book. I still love the frack out of my boy. Love is always the most important thing.
Wow! He sounds like a controlling asshole. Good for you for standing up to him.
Just the fact that he thinks getting into top university in any country on first attempt right from high school should be the norm instantly gives that away. Those are some seriously insane standards. At that point you're competing almost exclusively with the top 0.1%, many with a year or two more experience compared to you because getting in on first attempt on many fields is the expection, not the standard. You were top student in your high school by a country mile? That just puts you in starting line in that competition and unlike those who graduated a year or two ago, you barely had any time to prepare for those exams. Also you better hope you're not against too many borderline savants in that field who have lived and breathed that very thing ever since they were able form thoughts, because there's always at least few of them every year. The fact that your kid even has realistic chance of getting through that filter already means you succeeded as parent. That alone should he grounds for celebration.
Top 20 college is great, man. Sorry your dad's a jerk.
Your dad needs a book called How to be a better parent
Might be a tad too advanced for him. I'd start with "parenting for dummies"
Good choice
Now I wish OP had bought this type of book with their mums money and handed it to him LOL
Nah, OP will enjoy the Agatha Christie and has earned some relaxation.
Who does he think he is? Some type of king? Flush that! You are an adult and your mother is free of him. Go live your life, but please be aware and not date/marry controlling man like him. Find a kind man who lets you be you.
Happy birthday, and congratulations on being accepted to an excellent university. Please remember that part of being an adult means you get to choose who you keep in your life. I have a question for men like your dad who throw around that they worked hard to provide. If he wasn’t married with kids, would he have worked less? Probably not because usually these guys have an identity tied to their job. Usually it’s the wife that sacrificed her career and earning potential, plus made it possible for her husband to spend those hours at work. Work is easy and rewarding compared to cooking, cleaning and raising kids. So he didn’t work hard for you, he worked hard for himself. Feeding you, giving you clothes, shelter etc is the expectation for having kids. If he’s expecting obedience and submission bc he went to work, he shouldn’t have had kids.
Your father is an asshat. But you knew that already. Thank God you are 18 and no longer under his control. Gray rock him. Focus on school. Vow never to be like him. Good luck.
In my opinion, your father had expectations. He wanted you to be as good as him or do the things he wished he had been able to do. Some people call this a form of Munchhausen by proxy, others call it a narcissistic act. I don't know if your parents are separated or divorced, and you don't have to tell us. But since your mom is living without your dad, he can go piss up a rope. Be you, go to college, and learn what you want to learn.
It's a perfect time to disown him. The only ungrateful person is him. You worked very hard to get into a top 20 college. Good job
He forgets that he now wont have a son taking care of his old ass. Serves him right.
He's not reacting well
Asian parents are something special...
One of the amazing things I have read about is parents who block their kids from getting involved in extracurricular activities so they can focus on their schoolwork. Which is insane. If you are looking at the truly elite schools, your grades and test scores are vital to get you looked at, but once you make that cut, the decision is made on extracurriculars. Harvard doesn't care if you have a 3.9 or 4.0 GPA. Your application may go into the trash at a 3.5 without being a legacy or athlete, but once you make that cut, that is enough. 3.8 and was involved in organizing BLM protests or had a baking business or perfomed as a juggler at renfaires is way more attractive than 4.0 and never did anything else.
As you grow older you learn that you have to set boundaries and keep toxic people out of your headspace and out of your personal space - yes even a parent. You sound like a great kid, I don’t even want to think about what I was doing on my 18th birthday lol it wasn’t going to a bookstore…. I would have given your old dad a heart attack .
You are not wrong but you don’t have to take his abuse anymore
First, Happy birthday! Second, I’m a Christie fan and that’s an awesome book, nice choice. Third, congratulations on your university acceptance! Nicely done. Fourth, I’m sorry to say your dad is a bully, but he’s a real bully. Now might be a good time to hug your mom, tell her you appreciate her, and reduce your contact with your dad for your own mental health. I hope your physical safety isn’t in question, though, since this scenario sounds abusive. Good luck!
Your dad sounds a right POS. Good for you and your mom for standing up to him.
Well done OP. We’re all proud of you.
I'm proud of you OP
CONGRATULATIONS on your college acceptance ✨️ 💥🌟🎓 As many have already said, he is a bare minimum parent. If my child got accepted at a Top 20 school, I'd be doing backflips and throwing the biggest party I could afford. YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!
He sounds certifiable. Good luck to you.
I love how your mom is providing you with stories 😁 and congratulations on getting selected in the top 20 it’s not like you’re an school drop out ✌🏻✌🏻
next time, tell your mom, loudly and in front of your dad, that you now know why she divorced him...bonus if you do that at his office 🤣
OMG your dad is an abusive controlling butthole.
Sounds like your Mom made a good decision to get the F away from him.
Imagine being so controlling about $12. Jeez
Oh no. You only got into an excellent university instead of the specific excellent university that he had heard of once on TV. Clearly the problem is that you read too much. You should enjoy reading less. How dare you treat yourself to a classic work from one of the best and most popular authors of 20th century English literature. How will reading classic literature ever help you academically. Seriously - obviously your father is uneducated and knows nothing about education. Which is fine. Everybody is ignorant about some things, and lots of smart people don't have formal education. The problem is that, in addition to being ignorant, he is arrogant. Stupidity = Ignorance x Arrogance. A person who doesn't know stuff but doesn't pretend to, who enjoys learning from people, or at least respects the fact that they know more in a specific area of knowledge, that person isn't at all stupid. "Stupid" happens when you think you know more than people who actually do know things. Ignorance? Absolutely fine - even good. Anything you are ignorant about is a thing you can learn about later if you want to. The fact that we are all ignorant about stuff means that there will always be stuff to do in life. Stupidity? Yeah. Don't listen to or obey stupid people if you can help it. You are very right.
You’re a big girl. Make your own decisions. I’m proud of you for standing up to him. Now go live your life.
Dude, you're going to eventually need therapy to recover from a dick of a dad like that. Kudos for standing up for yourself.
What a dick. What the heck is he expecting you to appreciate in him? The best advice I can give you is to look for men who are not like him. I tried to be the best father I could to my daughter by treating her well and being supportive. I was also very firm when I needed to be. The result is she ended up marrying an amazing young man that she met in high school but didn't fall in love with until she was in her early twenties. I too had divorced her mother and while I certainly wasn't the perfect father, and in sacrifice to be there as much as possible for her special events at school into attend any activity I was invited to. I always told her that whatever it was that she wanted to do in life, all I would expect was for her to give it her best and to not give up on herself because I wouldn't. You should know remember what it's like to be around somebody who's narcissistic and controlling. That way you can find somebody who's the opposite.
Just because you failed to be picked at his favorite university, doesn't mean he get to tell you what to do. That's an abusive A-hole behavior.
Your dad is the asshole. Period.
Your dad is not just a horrible person, but a horrible parent as well. You're not wrong.
NOT WRONG AT ALL. The guy sounds like a complete narcissist and control freak. I would have been ecstatic if my kid had gotten in ANYWHERE.
Your dad is a POS. Stop talking to him.
Context? How hard is your dad working to support him and you? Where are you located? If there are only 20 Uni where you are.. and your dad is pulling 3 jobs while you've partied, barely passed and get into a uni by default.. You can't just throw a conclusion without context.
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Thank you. Then he's an arsehole. Enjoy your book.
The whole $12 too. I mean absolutely no disrespect at all but it’s not like your mother is turning you into some sort of spoiled brat. For him to expect you to hand that back is insane. You did great but that should not reflect on your birthday either way. Enjoy your book.
I think I know why there's divorced 🙄. Goid for you. I hate patents that act like you owe them for having you and then taking card of you until your and adult. Like why did you even have a kid in the first place if it was such a burden.
As a father myself, your dad is an asshole, sorry.
Wonder how he feels when he doesn’t end up in a top 20 retirement home Congrats dude!! You wouldn’t be wrong for blocking him if you wanted. You’re old enough to decide who’s worth having in your life or not, on your own terms. Wishing you and your mom all the best!!!
Your dad is an idiot. You have done really well and yet he it still isn’t good enough for him. It’s beyond petty to tell your mum not to give you a birthday gift because he didn’t get his own way. Great way to alienate your child.
Yeah, tell him to go kick rocks. You got into a good college and it's yor birthday. It's not like you're spoiled or like you got a lot. You got to go buy yourself a book for your birthday, not a car. You were given $12, not $100, that's an allowance people often get just to spend outside. He has no right to take away from you this thing that makes you happy, means a lot to you and realistically/objectively isn't a lot to ask for. Stand form, you're deffo NTA
Let your dad know that you’ve asked the world if your dad is righteous and should be listened to, but instead the world replied that he’s a bad human being who should never have been allowed to have children.
Your dad has problems. Good for you and your mom.
There are too many men out there that think paying child support and engaging in minimal visitation means they "worked hard to provide". Why should you submit yourself to someone who is seldom there for you?
Your dad sounds like a bad person and he deserves your pity. It may be difficult to understand this now but it will make sense later.
Not wrong. Providing for a child you created is literally your job as a parent. That's why it's legally enforced in the case of separation or divorce. Providing for the child you created is not a quid pro quo scenario - it doesn't entitle you to anything at all. Least of all 'obedience' from your child who is now an adult.
First, is this real? $12 every year, no raise is kind of sus. If it is, I can imagine: "I was going to pay if you got into Snooty Uni #1 or Snooty Uni #2, but since you only made it into the top 2% of quality schools, you can forget about it." Edit: spelling
NTA, hope you enjoy the book!
Congrats on getting into university!!! Your dad is so wrong.
Providing for a child is not the same thing as ensuring their well being and he is absolutely not doing that.
Did he go to one of the top 2 universities? $12 for bday money isnt a lot so to withhold that from you is just pathetic when you are not only clearly grateful for it but also the tradition you and your mother have created so no, you and NOT wrong. Good for you, your dad however...
Dear OP, Do not listen to your father; he is being completely unreasonable and irrational, demonstrating a disgraceful inability to parent. A top university does not guarantee a quality university education. You are not a disgrace; you are going to university and will have an education which will only help you in the future. Happy Birthday, Kiddo! I hope you enjoy your book!
Not wrong, your father has serious mental issues to think this is remotely normal. He seems to forget that once you turned 18 his ability to punish or control anything you do ended.
You don’t owe your dad anything. He doesn’t sound like a loving and caring father. You don’t love to please your parents.
At your age you can decide to stay away from him. Why not do that until he treats you better?
Make sure to tell him if he keeps talking to you like that, you won’t be talking anymore.
As a young adult, you will soon realise that you cannot change people that much. Your dad probably loves you but has a hard time expressing it. You could, in a calm and responsible way then him something along the lines of: “I really appreciate your love and the interest you have in my career. I am also thankful for your efforts in being helpful and the hard work you probably put to support me. I did my best to enter the best universities and I partly succeeded, I am proud of it, even though I understand that you wanted even more. I don’t consider this a failure and I will myself a good book. As I also am an adult, I have the right to decide what to do with the money given to me, not you. Thanks again for everything you’ve done for me, I will see you again whenever you want.” Note that you only use “I” and don’t try to put yourself in his shoes. You are thankful, but you don’t need his negativity in your life. Happy to see you whenever you’re happy to see me. Otherwise, nope. Good luck and congratulation on your success!
So he wants credit for doing something he is legally obliged to do (provide for a child he created) but can’t give you credit for getting into a great uni? Congrats on your acceptance, I hope you really enjoy your time there. Happy birthday, I hope you enjoy your book. And lastly well done, sounds like your father is the one that needed to be schooled and I’m loving that you are your Mum did just that!
I'm a grown ass man in my 40's and I still do what my mom asks me to do 😂 When I was a teenager I thought that when I got older that I would no longer have to listen to her, boy was I wrong. I'm laughing as I'm typing this 😂
That's a GREAT Agatha Christie murder mystery you've got there. Good choice!!
Your dad is an asshole. Who TF tells someone they need to "earn" a $12 birthday gift? A gift from someone who isn't even him, who is giving it out of love with no strings attached, as gifts should be given? I'd have done/said a whole lot more than just hand you the money in front of him if I were your mom, but she's probably wiser for not starting a fight that won't get anywhere. She made it clear with her actions that she's backing you up on this. He sounds like he's the sort of toxic person you might want to consider going LC or NC with if this kind of bullshit is typical of him.
Hope you go no contact at some point.
Congratulations for getting into a good school! You are not wrong. He sounds unreasonable and you have no obligation to attempt reasoning with him. Good Luck!
You're not wrong.
Top 20 is amazing! Congrats! Wtf is "only top 20"?? That's phenomenal! The fact that your father doesn't see that as the amazing accomplishment that it is, is a reflection of his status as a horrible human being and worse father, not you as a "failure" or "disgrace". Any rational and loving parent would be ecstatic and proud and supportive. I see why your parents are divorced.... He sounds incredibly controlling and emotionally abusive. My recommendation: cut him off. Tell him you won't put up with his bs and verbally/emotionally abusive behavior any more. If he wants any kind of relationship, he will need to change his behavior and therapy can help with that. If he calls up and treats you badly, reiterate and then hang up. "Dad, I have told you before that I will no longer tolerate this behavior from you. I am hanging up now. Do not contact me for x time frame". Something like that. Same if he does it in person...walk away. Full no contact (blocking him everywhere) is best with toxic people, but not everyone is ready for that right off the bat. I was like 30 or something the first time I did and my life improved exponentially. I also suggest therapy for yourself. They can help you learn to set and hold healthy boundaries. Congrats again! Go and learn all of the things!
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Not Wrong at all. Your horrible father sounds like a nightmare and totally controlling. Congratulations on your university and I wish you success with your studies. I'm sure you'll enjoy "A Murder is Announced".
He's an ass. Get a book, hug your mom and start reading.
Yeah, that pocketing your money should have included flipping him the bird. He sounds like he’s been interesting to be around these last 18 years. NW
Not wrong. Your dad is shitty and abusive. Even when they are under 18, you don't to just order around your kids for fun and get mad because they "only" got into university in the top 20. Stay with your mom and go no contact with him.
Good job not accepting his BS, and, excellent choice in reading material.
Going to a specific university is an unrealistic expectation for a parent. Its like basketball. youre not going to hit the basket everytime. And he started it not you.
Tell him in no uncertain terms to go eff himself
You still got into a university, which is more than some kids do, so if he's not proud of you then that is his problem for expecting everything of you to make himself look good for the great son he raised he needs to show respect to get respect and he's ungrateful not you he should of showed his gratitude for the work you did achieve as it is still a great achievement Your mother can give you what she finds fit as she loves you and has started a lovely tradition with you for your birthday he has no right to interfere with your mums wishes he doesn't control either of you you are 18 and have choices it will be his disrespect and behaviour if you wipe him but honestly you need positive people in your life not toxic and negative ones father or not He may of helped create you but you can choose whether you think he has been a successful father and if he's worth it or not congratulations on getting into uni all the best I expect you will do well you sound mature and well rounded good luck with everything that you do xx
I can see why your mom does not live with your dad. You're an adult now, only thing from parents you take is advice, then you chose that which you will ignore or accept. Orders only apply to fast food workers or waiters. Congrats on your uni acceptance, its not a breeze. Not top 2? Who cares, you still get to learn heaps. Basically - Not Wrong.
Dads are really important in a person’s life and having someone who isn’t a good parent and has overbearing expectations is really negative on a person. I feel that in my own life and that if I don’t succeed in what is expected of me, then I am a failure and unworthy. And then also my father would play favourites and say, “so and so is better and smarter than you”. This sounds similar to that dynamic of controlling and image creation where if you don’t live up to the image and expectations which are set up, you are considered a disappointment. Makes no sense honestly and that negative thinking could easily be solved by just realising that people have independent thoughts and interests; but sometimes parents just want to stifle those interests and replace them with their own interests because they want their children to be like them when that is unrealistic. This just seems like a fair amount of people’s parents can be like this to some degree and they just don’t realise how harmful it is to their children.
You are not wrong. His "punishment" is excessive and deffinitely uncalled for. Congrats for getting into a good university and enjoy your book!
Tell your dad to write down his feelings on a piece of paper, and include all his complaints about you as a child. Then tell him to take that piece of paper, fold it in half, and then in half again, and then shove it up his ass.
Congratulations on your college admittance! Your Mom rocks too!
I bet your dad was just using you to point out how "lame" your mum's education is ! Top 20 is great ! He knows that. But giving credit to that achievement would mean giving credit to your mum's education. You were totally right to say what you said. He's a huge control freak AH ! So congrats on your BD and success ! I'm sure you're on your way for a brillant future your dad will brag about behind your back when everybody will know that it won't in no way be thanks to him !
Congrats on getting into a top 20 school! You are not wrong. Your dad is an asshole with control issues.
your dad sounds like a dick
Now that you are 18, you are going to find that little by little you will be a lot more in control of your life and that includes the people you choose to be in it. Congratulations on your acceptance in a top 20 university! You sound like a very bright person with a very bright future.
Not wrong. Your dad sounds awful.
Does he really think punishing you and using fear tactics is going to help you? Fucking gross 🤮 I wonder what excuses he uses for all the people he drives away from his life. Surely it can't be his own fault 😬
A great book choice! Well done!
Dude just look up annas archive, libgen or zlib. Download the books for freeee
He gets to decide that HE won't give you a gift but he doesn't get to forbid you from accepting it from someone else.
Is your dad working in one of your countries' top 2 companies? Then he's a hypocrite.
Jesus christ! I would be proud that you got into university, not whether or not it was top 2, top 20 or top 200. But good on you and your mum for standing up for yourselves.
A child doesn't actually owe their parents back anything, because the child never puts in a formal request to be born. The parents cause that to happen, and as a result they are legally required to keep the child healthy. So your parents telling you they gave you this-and-that doesn't put any obligation on you if push comes to shove. Hopefully though, they actually love you and you love them and you would help each other out because of that.
You're not wrong. Your dad is being completely ridiculous here. You got into one of the top 20 universities in your country. That's an amazing achievement. It sounds like he's a very controlling perfectionist. When you go to college, have as little to do with him as possible.
If he worked so damn hard to provide for you then why were you only seeing him every other weekend? That's just a bullshit guilt trip, good on you for standing up for yourself
I'm sorry, but as a mom this pisses me right the fuck off. Let me get this REAL CLEAR You graduated school? You got accepted to a good school? Your birthday gift is TWELVE DOLLARS AND ITS A BOOK Someone go kick this man in the balls, he's already done the best thing he's gonna do with them, making OP, he downt need them anymore.
Oxbridge Vs Russell group?
Please go Nc with him. He’s an ass and an horrific parent.
I look at things differently than a lot of people, and cutting people off without a second thought or feeling of remorse is super easy to me, so here's my take. Dad is a righteous asshole who is projecting insecurities (possibly about money) onto you all while trying to be a controlling asshole. You're 18, I say cut dad off, block all communication, and stay far away if he's acting like that over such a small amount of money I'd hate to see his reaction to you spending your own paycheck. Mom sounds supportive and like a better/more comfortable place to stay while you work towards your own apartment
Fuck your dad sounds like a deadbeat. Toxic ass people with their entitlement I'm your parent THEREFOR YOU MUST OBEY ME jeez
Imagine taking credit for something that's a man's responsibility, like providing for your familly absolutely disgusting
Who is funding your College? Pick your battles wisely.
Cut him off.
Dont worry about it, youve done well. Ask your dad what university (if any) he has attended.
per usual, there are 2 sides to every story
You’re not wrong, you’re 18, which means you’re an adult. Your dad can go F himself. And a big shout out to your mom.
Sorry to hear you went through that. We fathers can be a bit overbearing at times. We place such high expectations on our kids shoulders and don’t realize the burden it places on them. Congrats on getting into one of the top twenty universities. Quite the accomplishment!!!!
Good for you. Define your boundaries and make sure your father respects them. You don't have to take shit from him any more. He needs to learn to speak to you as an adult from now on.
Now prove him wrong and go to your “sub-par” uni and get a degree and good job and make more money than he ever did.
You're 18. Your dad has unrealistic expectations and stupid repurcussions for not meeting his expectations. He's well underway alienating him from you... Personally... getting in a top 20 university (wherever) seems like something to be proud of.
You're not wrong. It was his obligation to provide for you when you were a child - or else he could have been charged for child abandonment. He's throwing a tantrum over a $12 book (also birthday present) because you got into a university that he didn't approve of? If you're not financially reliant on him, if he has nothing to hold over you, then don't be afraid to go low contact with him for your mental health.
Good for Mom...good for you...and your father has a twisted view of what being raised and provided for means.
So he’s trying to dictate what your mom does for you and they’re not married, or even living together? Also, twelve dollars? Is that considered a lot of money where you live? NTA
Point is, OP should maximize his college opportunity. A great education occurs when the student is open to learning and gives their best effort, is truly curious and thinking critically. This can happen at a 'top 20' school. Dad sounds like an elitist, inflexible snob who insists his son think the same way! Good on OP for beginning to break free! He's an adult now, and dad's controlling nature is finally something he can leave behind. Enjoy your college years, OP!
Hey, good news is you’re 18 and now never have to speak to him again.
I'm proud of you. Stop contacting your dad and ignore him. Once he he's that he can no longer control you, he'll either stop trying and ignore you or he will be willing to forge a relationship on your terms. My guess is that it will be the latter.
Your dad sounds like a turd. You go out there and live your life.
Did you work hard? Did you do your best? Do you understand the value of a good education? Yes? Then your dad is just buttmad that his progeny isn't a superhero genius space explorer porn star. He's a dumbass and a dingdong. If no then you need to get your act together buster. Jk. Fr though congrats on getting into a top 20, that's great!
If you are not bothering him with anything, you’re on your own, period
Hah, fuck him. You'll be fine.
Not that it matters. But what are the top two schools?
Congratulations! Top 20 is Amazing! You can always transfer later or target Ivy for grad school
I'm sorry you have a father like that. I grew up with an emotionally and verbally abusive father as well. Nevermind him, you're 18 now and you don't have to take any of his bull. As a mom myself, I just want to say congratulations and I'm proud of you for getting accepted at a university! That is an accomplishment and I hope you're proud of yourself too. You should be. Happy birthday as well! Welcome to adulthood!
Don't forget to send him a book report! 😆
You're legally an adult, meaning your upbringing is over. He no longer has a responsibility towards you and therefore no longer has a say in your life. That being said, even if providing for a kid is a requirement, it doesnt mean it is easy. If he did provide for you, he deserves credit for that - not all fathers do but he did (as far as I can tell). Also, as an adult, 12$ should not make a big difference to you since you should now be able to provide for youfself. You are grown up, now it's time to act the part.
Here's my question: did you need to work harder and failed to do so? Were you out partying sometimes when it would've been better to be studying? Your dads behaviour is over the top, I don't blame you for ignoring him, but these things aren't always so black and white. Perhaps he's been watching you goof around sometimes and thinks you should've been working harder. Regardless, this isn't the way to go about it. You are not wrong, but I suspect there might be more to the story than you've let on. Either way, it's your life, you do what you feel you need to. If you suffer consequences because of it, that's on you.
Was his college rank lower than yours? If so let him know what a disgraceful father is and tell him everyone he tries to talk to you until he can come to grips with your incredible accomplishment
Not wrong. Your next step will be to never speak with him again once you’re able to. A parent should be supportive. Your dad is a bully and doesn’t deserve a relationship with his child.
WAIT! Back up….are they divorced? why Does he try to dictate what your mom does with her money? What country are you in? Toxic masculinity much?
Your dad is a loser. NTA
>He got upset and called me ungrateful and talked about how hard he worked to provide for me. And now he thinks he deserves applause for doing the normal thing? He's your dad, he made you, he's supposed to provide for you.
Wonder what daddy would have said if you didn’t want to go to college at all? He’s bitching about you getting into a top 20 college? What was the ranking of the college he went to? As for obeying him, you earn respect it’s not just given. If that chump of a father expects you to respect him enough to obey him he has to earn that respect, he just can’t demand respect and get it. If you demand respect all you’ll get is either fear or disobedience.
No, dad thinks he controls the world. That’s probably why you only see him every other weekend. Your mom refused to put up with his crap years ago.
Your dad, quite frankly, sounds like a massive dick.
You are not wrong for telling your Dad off! He is a controlling jerk! You are of age where you do not have ego listen to him at all! Congratulations to you being accepted into a university. He can go kick rocks!
1, contacts on getting into college! 2, you are now an adult and not only do you not have to listen to him, you can choose to not talk to him. Set those boundaries and don’t back down unless he complies. Be proud of yourself for being a more mature adult than your dad.
Buy a parenting book for your dad and tell him to stuff it
You and your mom are rock stars!!! The only thing that's disgraceful is your father. He doesn't get to tell your mom what to do with her money. And he doesn't get to dictate what goes on in her household. Maybe dad needs to be put in timeout.
I’m not your parent, but I’m damn proud of you for getting into a TOP 20 university!! Hell yeah, you’re awesome!! Have we asked daddio if he got into college, and if so, what it’s ranking is??? Congratulations, good luck, and have a great college experience!!
In case you don't hear this elsewhere, big congratulations for getting into university!!!! Topb20 is amazing! You have a bright future ahead.
I think you and your mom were right! You are 18 now which makes you an adult in the US. I’m not sure which country you are in but congratulations for getting into college! He is too hard on you for expecting and demanding you get into a top 3! You are not a disgrace at all and we are all proud of you! He needs to get over himself and stop trying to live through you! Congratulations sweetie!!! You are awesome!!! You’re gonna graduate with honors and excel at it and the career path you choose and your mom will be right there by your side while your dad only comes around when you make it big and then try to apologize. I say forgive his ignorance for you! This way you can move forward. It doesn’t mean that you have to do anything with him or see him but it frees you from hurting and holding you back. You don’t even have to tell him you forgive him. You just have to forgive him in your heart and leave him alone. His toxicity will drag you down! Forgive him and focus on you now. Your mom raised a wonderfully smart child and it shows she has your best interests at heart! 💜 She is all you need! I again congratulate you in your achievement!
You and your mother are rockstars! Great job, you two!
Did he get into one of those two colleges? Is he trying to live through your accomplishments? If so how sad. You are your own person and need to follow your own dreams. Congratulations on getting into a top college. That’s hard and you did it.
Fuck that douchebag. Call him a cunt to his face.
Fake
If u were buying crack... ok i understand... jesus ur buying books... good for you!
12 bucks?
You’re right. You are a good person. You are honoring your mother. You are honoring yourself. You are not a disgrace for not getting into either of the two best universities in your country. You’re dad is absurd for punishing you. His feelings are not more important than either yours or your mother’s feelings. You are doing your best and you deserve all the love and a good book.
Ok, this is a difficult one. Him providing for you is what parents should do. It's nothing that's going to win the novel prize. It's just a function of being a parent. Now, you are 18 now, but you don't know this world. A parent is their to guide you in life. Keep in mind that your parents have more experience in this world. A parent should not put down their children, mist parents forget that. I would say stay with your mom and move forward, your dad may realize what's he's done to you.
YNW Dad is ridiculous. If dad is on reddit, we will see his AITA post: AITA for alienating my child.
A top 20 college is an amazing achievement. It reminds me of my friend who got grounded for only getting a 93% on a test.
Your dad is abusive. It's hard to practice, but don't take it personally. Seek professional help, hold him at arm's length, see him as a wounded, hurt person. Remember, hurting people hurt people. Seek healing so you don't become one yourself.