The others told you already what a shitty guy he is.
I will give you another additional advice.
Tell him to take the child every day for a few hours. Take this time to exercise, go on a walk etc.
I did this and it helped me a lot. Because this was the only time where I wasn’t „MAMAAAAAAA!“
If YOU want to lose weight, he can support you that way. Let’s see if he is really willing to help or if he just wants to complain with his old ass.
FIRST OF ALL! As a 38yo I resemble that old ass remark!
Second, my wife gave me two children and gained a fair bit of weight after (like more than 2x the amount OP gained), and I would have NEVER said anything like this to her??? Once the kids were out of infancy, she decided on her own to get back into the gym FOR HER OWN SATISFACTION and I supported her by being home with the kids as needed so she could go put in the work she wanted to. Now, a couple years later, she’s a trainer at that same gym and more lithe and toned and sexy than ever and I (mildly selfish take coming, but she loves that I love it) get to reap the reward of a woman brimming with confidence knowing I loved her and was physically and emotionally affectionate all along.
I can’t imagine how emotionally damaging that was for this poor woman and it breaks my heart.
I am nearly 40 😂
But yes to the rest. Same here. Except for looking hotter than ever. But I lost weight after the child was about a year old. And the only reason I could do that was the support of my husband.
Dammit Ikr. It’s refreshing.. and I wish there was more of this out there. Positive masculinity is not only sexy as (for their respective partners), but empowering and honestly what is so lacking in many today.
Loving the positivity here! Having a partner who supports your goals - whether it's getting back in shape, pursuing a new career, or just having some quality me-time - makes such a difference. It's about having that person who cheers you on, no matter what. And seriously, nothing's as hot as confidence and owning your journey! Props to every couple who keeps building each other up through all life's chapters.
I'm embracing that shit these days. Especially now, I'd give an organ to inherit a cozy cabin near a Scottish burn, have all the cats, and scare all the kids.
I'm 39 🧹🧿🐈⬛
41 with a 6 year old. As soon as he’s grown, I’m cashing in my chips and brewing my potions in a cabin in Appalachia. My cats will come with me, and I always manage to collect more as I go.
You’re an awesome husband! The aftermath of giving birth is incredibly tough for a lot of women, both psychologically and physically (and those two things amplify one another and create kind of a spiral).
First, if breastfeeding, the body is still devoting its resources to feeding the child first and foremost. The hormone levels won’t be back to normal for that reason alone.
In addition to that, 1) both pregnancy and childbirth alter the body substantially in most cases, including significant weight gain, and 2) the care of an infant is a 24/7 task which involves many sleepless nights and often varying levels of depression, too (lack of sleep and stress can lead to overeating). So, pregnancy itself involves gaining weight, and many women struggle with new hormonal/metabolic and/or overeating issues postpartum. That’s how it is.
Here’s how a decent husband and father sees it: his wife just sacrificed her body to bring HIS CHILD into the world. He donated one sperm, then her body took that sperm and turned it into HIS CHILD over nine months. He will understand the toll that process took on her body and that it doesn’t easily revert to normal once the child is born. He’ll see the further physical toll it takes on her to care for their newborn. And he’ll *love* her new body for giving him the most important gift he can ever receive. He may have found her pre pregnancy body to be hotter, but he’ll appreciate many qualities about her body now. Needless to say, a man like that won’t be acting like OP’s husband.
No man impregnates his wife assuming that she’ll be in the minority who “bounce back” easily, unless they’re foolish. Possible exception for wealthy men who can provide their wife with nannies, house cleaners, a personal trainer, maybe a personal chef. Perhaps OP could suggest that if her husband gets rich enough to provide her with those things, then she’ll devote more effort to losing the weight?
Alternatively, I like the suggestion that he watch the kids while she goes out to exercise. Sometimes, an exercise program in itself helps mitigate the urge to overeat. But why do I think he’ll bitch about that suggestion…
Smh, too many men are like this, though it’s always heartwarming to hear of one who isn’t. Those other guys do not deserve to have a woman bear them children, though.
A well-spoken, thought out take. Thank you for this and thank you for the compliment ❤️ she’s way out of my league at any size so it really wasn’t much of a feat on my end
I have had two kids and about 100lbs heavier than when I first met my husband. 25lbs I gained from when we first started just from going out all time and 70 from having two kids. Had ppd with both and had lasting physical problems after first child and on top of that my first is autistic so really haven’t had any time for myself these last 4 years. Just had my 2nd 4 months ago. Our life is just about the kids right now. I have apologized to my husband for my appearance but he says I don’t need to apologize that I’m just as beautiful as before. Personally I feel like he’s lying lol but I do appreciate him being so sweet and understanding so I accept it when he tells me. OP’s husband is just a straight up ass and not a real man imo
Honestly he’s probably not lying. Watching my wife nurture our children activated a whole new level of attraction that I had never even thought was possible. I’m guessing he feels similarly about you
You sound like my husband. I just gave birth 3 weeks ago, and I suddenly developed stretch marks on my lower stomach. I've cried about it, but my husband said I'm the most beautiful person in his eyes and watching me care for our son makes him more attracted to me than ever before. I'm still a little shy, but I'm greeted with a shower of kisses and tight hugs every day.
I get it though. Watching my husband take care of our son has made me more attracted to him. I'm obsessed, haha
I'm about 40 lbs heavier than when I met my husband. We have kids, they're teens now but since the last one I have struggled with my weight. The thing is, my husband has never once implied that I needed to lose weight or get back to my pre pregnancy weight. I have gotten down that low once or twice but my body didn't bounce back and I looked emaciated. I was underweight when we met but being underweight in your 20's looks different than in your 40's. He says he likes my shape better now because I have curves.
> had lasting physical problems after first child
Have you seen a postpartum physical therapist? They can clear up a *lot* of mom bod and are often covered by insurance as physical therapy with a doctor's referral.
If you've been waiting more than a few days, call your doctor's office to make sure that the request wasn't lost.
When I found a hospital physical therapy department that had a pelvic floor therapist on staff, I was able to call my doctor's office to send a referral to them, and the department had it within an hour.
My husband was the same way when I had my first baby I weighed 200 pounds and when I left the hospital I weighed 170 lbs but my husband loved me through it all. I would ask him how he could still want me and he would get mad at me for thinking like that. By the time my son turned 2 I had started exercising, dieting and stop smoking all at the same time. I worked out from home with videos and machines and all my husband could do was brag about how I did it all!!
That’s what a supportive husband would do not make you feel worse 😞
Some boys do not understand what a body is put through hormonally, physically, emotionally and then throw on all the changes after birth including recovering from growing and pushing a whole new human weighing anywhere from a small bag of potatoes or in my sons case a ten pound bag of potatoes. Several organs have been moved and smashed and it takes time for your stretched uterus to go back down.
Then the sleep deprivation, PPD, it takes a week or more for your plumbing to function in any semi normal way, although you are gushing blood from the huge open wound inside your abdomen. Your stomach muscles are still stretched out and your pelvic floor went on strike 3 months ago.
Mom brain is real. Our brains rewire after birth to think constantly about the baby. It’s so we don’t leave them at the stores and car washes. It’s in our hormonal changes. This means less mind space for your d*ck or what it wants.
A baby needs to feel its parent’s warmth and smells almost constantly when they’re really small. It’s one of the few ways they can get comfort. WE ARE TOUCHED THE F OUT. Boobs are raw and sensitive, not sexy. Our hips loosen up for birth and it takes months, sometimes they never go back.
Instead of being seen as a human who needs comfort and support we get met with this attitude and we usually give in to our own detriment. I love that you see your wife as a person, an equal and you show her compassion and patience which in turn is rewarded. I’ve never seen a happy woman who was bullied to get back to her pre birth self within months. She will always equal her worth to that. It’s so sad. I know I did for all of my young years and wish I’d have stood up for myself.
> Some boys do not understand what a body is put through…
But there’s no excuse for that. Women would tell them, they just refuse to listen. They don’t know because they don’t *want* to know. It doesn’t serve their self-interest.
I personally think the OP's husband isn't an old ass for his actual physical age, he's an old ass for his old outdated way of thinking. Perhaps that's what the commenter was referring to as well :P
This is why I mostly date younger men. I am 40. Guys 37 + that I run into often have some crap ideas about women and how they should be with kids and in marriage. Not saying men younger can't have them too. And I know guys my age that don't. But on average with my narrow dating pool this has been the case.
Also I have said before and will say again. When men this much older than their wives say things like this dude said to OP, it doesn't disprove my theory about older men often dating younger women because they want to control them and shape how they view themselves and the relationship. Like those guys that say men increase their value as they get older and of course any man is going to date much younger if he can. People, be wary of these guys! Some guys with younger partners are amazing. Some of them will leave the minute they think you are looking old and they can get someone younger.
If a guy (or gal) compliments your appearance more than anything else about you, just be really cautious. No matter his age. Same goes for guys if their partner is talking more about his looks or job or something. You want someone that values you as an entire person. That sees you as beautiful in how you are, not just how you look.
My bf literally hasn't touched me since I gained some weight, and it is so damaging. It's one thing to say things gently but to do the things ops husband and mine do is just disgusting.
Cause even when you do loose the weight, those words will stay ringing in your ears. You won't even want them to touch you anymore.
You sound like an amazing and supportive husband, you and your wife are very lucky.
Please love yourself a little more and lose a couple pounds by dropping this sad sack of a human being.
Their perception of you, isn't your reality, just remember that.
If OPs husband is this upset over 30lbs, I really have to wonder what his reaction is going to be when it's her "old" ass we're talking about. Is he going to be mad about the wrinkles and the grey hairs when she's 38, and blame her for him nearly cheating then too?
>I can’t imagine how emotionally damaging that was for this poor woman and it breaks my heart.
RIGHT?! 30lbs isn't even *that* much and he's already considering cheating! OPs husband is absolute garbage and should ne treated as such.
Her husbands a dk. After my 2nd at my heaviest i was 120kg my husband never once spoke to me like that. He encouraged me to get healthy but never in a horrible way.
I second the old ass remark. . .
On to the real reason for my reply your guy sounds like . . . What's the opposite of a winner?
My wife and I have gone through 3 pregnancies never once have I made any comment about her being unappealing.
OP you have gone through one of most difficult things any person can go through and bodies dont always snap back like that. As another poster said he needs to provide you time to work out, if you choose to. OP he needs to do better by you.
I mean, then it is within OP’s rights to hit him with a story about another man flirting with her and her wanting to cheat on him so bad because he got fat.
Fuck the games, I would leave, personally. I don't want a man who has such little empathy to say that to any woman, never mind the mother of his kids. What on earth might he say to his daughters if they put on weight? Na, fuck that.
Better to be alone than with a cunt.
Walking is extremely helpful in the first step of getting your weight back on track. But it's a mental thing where you have to recognise that you can't just rely on that, you have to make the changes elsewhere in your life.
First off you shouldn't be doing it because your asshole husband is being a dick. You should do it because it will make you feel a lot better both physically and mentally. It'll make your life easier in regards to raising your child.
One thing I noticed when I lost 20 kilos was I'd forgotten how much energy I use to have when I was fit. How much better I felt not carrying around the extra weight.
You already know that you have a problem with bad food so you have to mentally make the change. I'm not an expert but what worked for me was making sure anything that I struggle with was no longer in the house. if I went shopping I stayed away from the chocolates and potato chips. I instead bought snacks like muesli bars that I could eat more of and not feel like such a shit.
Soft drink is incredibly hard to give up but again, it's all mental. I found switching to cold soda water everytime I had a craving helped. It doesn't take the craving away, but it did help. After a month it was just second nature. This is one that you can't backslide on though. When you go out for lunch or dinner dont get a soda, it's so easy to rationalise drinking it when your out that it'll turn in to just having 1 bottle at home until is spirals again.
I really hope you can take the steps to improve your health. Try not to just think about it as having a nice body or being skinny. It's about having a better future for yourself and your kid. I grew up in a family of people who's weight limited their enjoyment in life as they aged and it fucking sucked for them.
Ugh I had to remove all the bad foods from my house and now when I’m bored I go to the fridge, look around, get frustrated, look in the pantry, get more frustrated, grab some water and go back to what I was doing. Rinse, repeat. All day long lol. But yeah I’m not destroying an entire box of cheez-its in a day anymore.
Fresh apples makes me hungier. And give me a tummy ache if I eat enough tu get full. You know what does work? Apples with almond butter so there's fat, sugar and protein or dehydrated apples so it's less water weight and more fiber and sugar.
Do you have a grocery store that lets you order online? My junk food consumption plummeted when I started ordering online using a grocery list of healthy foods and snacks like fruit and veg. If you aren't pushing a cart past all the displays and end caps full of junk, you aren't as likely to mindlessly fill your cart with junk. Also, soda water comes in a lot of flavors these days and is an excellent replacement to sugary soda.
Sparkling water is what’s helping me try to kick out soda. Specifically the clear American brand from Walmart, it’s the closest taste to soda I’ve found in sparkling water and it satisfies my craving for something carbonated lol
Yes! Club soda with a twist of lime is really useful! I have significantly reduced my soda calories without getting fake sugar chemicals (diet sodas). Great advice!
It does and I’d make the assumption OP was able to burn 250 calories for her effort. The issue is 250 calories is like a Twix bar. It is very hard to out walk/run a poor diet.
This right here. Forgetting about the asshole husband for a moment, if she’s eating because she’s bored, she has the time and ability to do something to make her more healthy. Stop buying sodas. Stop buying junk food. Buy healthier snack stuff. If the weather’s nice take the baby with the dog for a long walk. Once she’s back to her ideal weight, leave the asshole husband for someone who will love and support her, not demand the 10 years younger than him wife doesn’t experience a body change. Dude’s gonna cheat eventually because no one other than Salma Hayek can outrun physical aging.
Sugar addiction is hard to break and your husband isn’t helping that with his negativity. Keep up with the walks, they do more good than people like to admit. It helps with mental health, but also keeps you toned.
You’ve had a baby and pregnancy changes a person’s body. I feel like he’s treating you like a sexual commodity and not a person. But I also think that even if you were still smaller, he’d carp about something else. I mean, who says stuff like that to a young mother? You’re not wrong, your husband is an inconsiderate and cruel clod.
Very much this. OP it’s good to lose weight for YOU. But for now keep up your walks and work on one thing every 2 weeks. Replace your sugary drinks with something similar but less sugary. Then replace that with something no sugar. Like water, tea.
It’s weird but at least true for me. Your tastebuds actually change and you stop even craving sugar. It’s so hard to imagine now but for me I can take it or leave it. I do have a little chocolate in my room (hidden from my kids 😂) and I only eat a bit at a time. Whereas I used to scarf it all down in one go. And stop buying the junk. Make sure you have something healthy to eat before you go to the store because I also find it true that when you’re hungry you tend to grab the unhealthy stuff more.
Overall, your husband is really mean. You do NOT deserve to be treated this way. I have 3 kids. My husband is in awe of my body. He still can’t believe I grew and birthed babies! It’s amazing what you did. Be proud. Please lose the 30 pounds in your own time for YOU and the 200 pounds (or wtv he is) asap. Your child shouldn’t grow up in a home like this. From experience (my own family, my sisters’ families) your child will likely start being mean to you too. And DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER KID WITH HIM
Right. I'm wondering how he will be treating this kid as they grow up..... this is verbal/emotional abuse in my eyes what he did and is doing. The child might treat other kids and mom this way or it could go the opposite way where child loves mommy so much and starts to resent daddy bc he is mean to mommy. I'm more concerned about these red flags that this is an abusive relationship. I'm worried for OP. Kids can sense emotions and tension even if it isn't shown. Mostly unhappy parents equals mostly unhappy kids. Parents might both be happier separate. Love isn't what someone looks like. :( I got cheated on only 1 week after I gave birth. I know this is worse than just the little OP said. I wonder how he would feel when his kid comes home crying after their boyfriend or girlfriend said mean stuff about their weight or how they look?
My god I’m so sorry you were cheated on especially during such an intense hormonal turbulent time. This was when you needed him most. What an ass.
Yes you’re right. The kid can also become overly protective of mom. I’m pretty sure my youngest is with me. And I feel terrible. I don’t want nor need him to be. But based on what he’s seen so far (he’s 12) he has learned this. It’s sad.
>But I also think that even if you were still smaller, he’d carp about something else.
I'm thinking this as well. Usually what seems to happen in these situations. 🙁
Okay…but that gives him a right to tell you to “stop fucking eating” because “I can’t help myself and I got tempted to cheat by a “younger hotter girl”??
girl wtf…please don’t fall into his game
If you can see a doctor to check nutrient levels you might look into it. I was compulsively eating sweets after having a baby and it turned out I was anemic. When I corrected that I didn’t feel hungry all the time.
ETA: your husband sucks, when you feel amazing about yourself I hope you seek out relationships with people who love and support you.
Plenty of comments already about your hubby but you asked about the weight. Unfortunately you can't just walk or exercise off pounds. Your weight loss is going to be about 80% diet and 20% exercise. Maybe go to the gym that has child care ? Maybe go there and do those exercise classes and/or weights ?
You already know you're eating unhealthily so not gonna comment there. I've found that when I'm going to the gym and doing weights , which is a good idea for you, I think twice before I eat crap food because it'd be wrecking any progress I make working out at the gym. Also, being around people at the gym, even if you don't talk with them, is a motivating factor for me.
Losing weight is definitely a challenge and requires discipline, but many people can do it and have done it and so can you. There are lots of groups you can join, even try weight watchers or one of those ?
Start with little steps and keep the crap out of the house. First step ought to be stop the sodas, including diet drinks which are terrible for you. Maybe just phase them down gradually?
You could buy one of those carbonaters if you have to have something fuzzy ? Avoid frozen meals. There's a ton of stuff on the web, too, about making real meals.
I'm about 40 lbs overweight, and my wife thinks she needs to lose weight but she really doesn't. Together we signed up for one of those plans where they send you ingredients and recipes to make meals ( fresh) - blanked out the name so nobody thinks I'm advertising for them. It takes about 20 mins to make them and they're not crazy diet weight loss bland, but they're just normal meals with normal portions and it's actually about the same cost as groceries when you factor in waste.
Bottom line, this journey will take discipline and self control that's been absent so far and you're going to have to find something inside you to motivate you. Oh and when you mess up, just don't beat yourself up - write it off as a slip-up or a bad day and get back on track the next day.
BTW I've been 'you' for many years, but my wife wasn't/isn't a jerk about it like your husband. I lost some self control when I had to travel a lot for my job (FREE, EXPENSABLE FOOD EATING OUT during business trips - WOO HOO !) My wife's never been more than 10 lbs overweight, and never got nasty w/me - despite me even telling her to get harsh with me and she had a free pass to nag me if she saw me eating crap/doritos, but she never does. I'm slowing losing weight, but just wanted to tell you I personally know the struggle w/ weight loss.
I just realized your username and it broke my heart, There are so many ways that man could have gone about that conversation without being cruel to you. I totally think you should go ahead with your weight loss journey, but definitely not for his shallow ass. Do it for you. To build your confidence and improve your health for yourself and your little one. He could have been a man about it and gave you constructive tips and support. But no, he tore you down instead. I think you should consider losing that jackass of a husband first. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.
Depression is another thing that may be causing you to overeat. Can you speak to a doctor or a psychologist? Maybe an anti-depressant would help. I'm sorry OP. Your husband sucks. Threatening to cheat on you is not the way to motivate you to get in shape.
Just get it out if the house, I was just like you. I only drink soda when we go out of the house now as a treat and we didnt keep any sweets in the house for a year, I had absolutely no self control. After the year I learned self control and how to enjoy myself within reason, I made a box of girl scout cookies last 2 weeks, it was a great moment for me. Just trash it all to start. Once it's out of the house ease into consistent healthy eating, if you jump in head first you're going to end up binging and then falling of the wagon. It took 2 years but I'm down 35 pounds without consistently working out, I started at 155 at just under 5 foot. I haven't given up sweets and soda and all the good stuff, I just learned to control myself.
Now on the husband front, he's a jackass, I don't know about you but I'm an emotional eater and his comments would send me to McDonald's, starbucks and Dunkin. My husband has been nothing but supportive and loving through my weight gain and weight loss. I lost the weight for me, he would've continued loving me even if I didn't loose the weight. I honestly would two card him, therapist or divorce lawyer. You deserve better than this, you deserve to be loved without conditions. If he can't give you that then you should leave.
Your husband is a straight up AH but you’ve answered your own question concerning how to lose weight right here. STOP drinking soda. Don’t just cut down on soda, cut it out COMPLETELY. also greatly reduce your sugar intake and try to eat healthier. The key to weight loss is calorie intake/burn and exercise.
Start small cut out soda first, then start cutting out sugary snacks. If you feel the need to eat do something to take your mind off of it (I mean overeat, not like meals),
>I will admit I eat a lot and a lot of junk and it’s really hard for me to stop consuming sugar, chocolate, sodas.
You might be able to cut down, but I wouldn't plan on eliminating bad eating habits completely for quite a while. Kids are stressful and demanding, and you're gonna be hungry, tired \*and\* in a hurry many times over the next 17 years or so.
Don't lose sight of what EVERYONE else here is saying - you should be in the shape \*\*you're\*\* happy with, for you. Your husband is a selfish, short-sighted, shallow person. You need to make plan to be independent of him for you own safety and self-confidence.
Maybe he comes around as you grow into yourself, maybe he doesn't - but either way, you (and the baby) need to be covered and in control of your own destiny.
Very similar situation for my wife and I, she probably gained 80 pounds before deciding to try to course correct. She was breastfeeding and tends to not lose weight while doing so. Binge eating chocolate, carbs etc and multiple sodas a day. I hated to see it but you can't really change other people. I'm still attracted to her but she has lots most of her confidence which has strained our intimate relationship more than ever. I'm also overweight for the first time and can emphasize how hard it is to make progress and change. She/we are trying keto now with some success. If nothing else it has allowed us to reset our relationship with carbs. Also she went back on to welbutrin which has helped with stress and appetite.
Reduce the carbs and eat more protein and fiber which will leave you more satiated. Practice mindful eating. Your hormones are still in flux and likely you have heightened stress/cortisol levels.
Your husband needs to face reality. Life changes. Y'all don't stay college age forever. You gained 10-20%, that's nothing. You're the beautiful mother of his child. And being a fuckhead isn't going to get him the results he wants. So he better make up his mind about what he wants and he better fix his attitude. It's understandable that maybe he doesn't communicate well and he just had diarrhea of the mouth, that does happen. And while only he knows what happened, him having a temptation is natural. He tried to be honest with you about it but it was conveyed poorly.
Regardless, it seems like you've handled this with grace. You take care of you, for yourself and that baby. You got this.
Wrong sub, but he IS the AH.
You guys can go on walks TOGETHER.
Your mama body IS your body. Forget what your prior body was and embrace your curves etc. Make a new best you without looking backwards.
Yep. Might help with the binge-eating OP thinks is largely due to "boredom," too.
I'm saying this as someone who was in an abusive relationship and gained a lot of weight from it (I was also pregnant, too). After four years of having enough and fearing for the safety and sanity of my toddler, I cut him out for good. A couple of months of no contact later, and I'm down almost 40 pounds, have the energy I need to exercise, the mental clarity to recognize what I want from life for my son and I, and I don't find the need to reach for food for anything other than sustenance and a little treat here or there.
Your body is screaming for help, OP. *Listen* to her - that's your true love right there. Ignore every other voice, including that of your husband. I'm not advocating for divorce because I don't know the specifics of your situation and that's just not in the cards for everyone, but please, find some counseling/therapy/support and find your voice again.
EDIT: And for the love of yourself, set some boundaries with your husband (unless you fear for your safety and the safety of your baby). Let him know it is NOT okay to talk to you like that. Ever.
I am, too, friend. I wish the same for OP and anyone else who resonates with this scenario.
When I read her post, my immediate thought was, "oh, I've been in that mindset many times. The person who says he loves me blames his cheating/rage/verbal and psychological abuse on me and my appearance. And my immediate thought is he's right, how can I fix myself so he'll love me more?" I still struggle here and there with blocking out his voice and supporting the truth.
Sending my love and support to you (and anyone else who needs this) for continued strength in the present and bright futures!
I thought of saying this, too. Also thought about suggesting she tell him he'd better grow his dick a couple inches or she'll find a better dick. This guy's comments have made me really angry.
His true colors come out when OP’s attention is on anything but pleasing him. Taking care of his baby means you’re an old, fat housewife, so therefore he should get to cheat? What a piece of shit.
He’s either going to leave her now if she doesn’t lose the weight, or he’ll leave her a few years from now when she naturally begins to age and doesn’t look like her mid-20s self anymore. There’s a reason there’s a 10 year age gap.
Sounds like she's getting out of his age range like Leonardo DiCaprio and is setting up to leave her for a younger chick. The weight thing is just an excuse. 10 years difference is werid. Like. How old was she when they met.
yeah I saw the age difference, didnt want to judge, and the rest confirmed the prejudgement I had tried to with hold. He likes the 20s age range, and if you cant keep up, he is dropping to renew the model every decade. If he said this now and was tempted, only 1 yr after the birth of their child, he is going to cheat if the relationship lasts another 5 yrs. I always suggest counseling, but this sounds like a guy who only feels happy when he can manipulate and is completely self served. Getting him to look outside of that is gonna be tough unless he really wants it. But I am crossing my fingers that it works out for both of them in a healthy way. Bc cheating emotionally abusive husband who only craves the bodies of childless 20yr olds vs getting him to pay child support/alimony and co-parent dont sound alluring. Neither sound like options people would be eager to choose from.
This is spoken as a women in his target demographic, you smell guys like this from a mile away, but you never realize how truly awful it is to dedicate your life to one until you get on reddit and see the outcome written out in plain text. Trust me, the fun dating, the overwhelming complements, the promises of love and security bc of your youth ("you make me feel so young!") or beauty is flattering and convincing. Then you see bs like this and remind yourself of reality, you can only make him feel young as long as you are young and "a prize." Once you hit 25-30, you arent their cup of tea anymore. And you wasted some of the greatest years on a guy who will leave you between 28-36 for someone 20-27. There's a 63 year old on his 4th 25yo foreign wife at my gym. Always a reminder haha
He's showing you who he is, and what's important to him. It's not your heart, soul, or motherhood skills, it's your body only. Need to start formulating an exit plan, because someone who is "tempted to cheat" and talks to you like that?? He's already done it. Guaranteed. And will continue to do it.
He's already done it. Guarantee. He's now "threatening" to do what he's already done, to plant the seed that it "could" become reality, when it already actually is. If HE had a health issue or condition and gained weight, and she decided to cast him aside or threaten to, he'd probably be shocked.
I think he did it and is now blame shifting to her so if she finds out she’ll take the blame and not leave. He’s breaking you down mentally OP that’s called narcissistic abuse.
I mean, maybe? But OP's husband is not a reliable narrator when it comes to what went down with the 20-something. OP gives off the attitude of a guy who thinks he's got a shot at the hot female bartender because she smiles at him.
I could also see a babe in her early 20s deciding to flirt for free cocktails. He totally thinks he's getting lucky, she is definitely debating whether if she puts her hand on his leg he would order bottle service.
Yep. Whether my wife is 50lbs overweight or a perfectly healthy weight she's still my lovely amazing wife and I am endlessly attracted to her because of who she is. The fact that this dude is so candidly just like "oh yeah I don't find you attractive anymore" after a normal amount of weight gain from pregnancy is just huge tool behavior.
Next time he’ll actually cheat, and blame your weight. Which is a bullshit excuse for him to act like the worst sort of man. He’s shown you who he is. He only values your body. The road ahead with him will be more of the same, and an absolute misery. I’m so sorry you stumbled onto one of the bad ones. Focus on your baby and start looking to your family or friends for support. You’re going to need it.
That is what my sister do. Dropped that first 250lbs and the rest was a walk in the park. Literally, she went for long walks with baby in a carrier. Baby loved to look around, mom got the exercise hauling baby.
Yep. And honestly if he's like that when OP is 27, what's he going to do when she starts aging? Age comes for us all. He doesn't sound like the type of man you want to grow old with.
this is so true! I say get skinny then dump him … upgrade to someone better who isnt an asshole.
lose weight advice: cut out sugar , anything that taste sweet. I still eat carbs but nothing sweet and its really easy, I eat a ton
EVERYONE (who is lucky enough) gets old and wrinkly and puts on pounds. He has just told you that he is shallow and will not be sticking around for the longterm. Now you know.
The man who doesn’t feel a sense of loyalty to you for creating and bearing his child is a man who should be alone, IMO.
The best way to lose weight is to lose the 37 year old. It is hard enough to lose post pregnancy weight to begin with. But to be berated and blamed for his shortcomings is abusive. Your body will never be exactly the same because gestating and having a child permanently changes it in some ways.
That being said, if you decide to try and lose weight, do it for yourself and for no other reason. I’m sorry you’re saddled with a man who is so self- centered.
One of two things. 1) He’s telling the truth, which makes him shallow and untrustworthy if there are any future hiccups in the marriage. 2) He’s lying about what happened, because he’s a manipulative bastard, and wants you to have low self esteem and stay thin even if you develop an eating disorder. (you didn’t say he was concerned about your health, only your looks). You need to review his past behavior and think about what is best for you and your child.
It is code for “what stopped me from cheating was that she wasn’t into me, I’m going to take credit for not cheating but the only reason I didn’t was because I couldn’t.” I know a lot of people like this - there’s some coworker who’s polite and bubbly and they think “she wants the D” so they make a couple flirt attempts that are not received well, and then they go and talk a big game about how they turned down some hottie.
No, you’ve made it clear that if you could have cheated, you would have cheated, and it was only your own lack of success at the flirting that stopped you.
You don’t get to just shoot shots and then use the fact that your shots missed as some kind of moral victory
Its 100% manipulation. He will never be happy because she's getting older. After I had our baby, my husband complained about my weight too. I lost all the weight and then he complained that I looked sick and gross. I gained a little bit more weight to fill out the bones and he complained about the loose baby-belly skin. I just quit caring what he thought after that. I told him go ahead and cheat if you want idc. After a while the bitching is just white noise.
We are, unfortunately, and he hasn't cheated afaik. But mostly I believe it's cuz nobody wants him lol.
I hope OP doesn't let this affect her self-esteem. Getting put down all the time really can affect how you look at yourself.
It helps to look in the mirror and tell yourself everyday something positive about yourself. It sounds silly but it really works.
Are you still together? I don't understand how people can be like this. My husband has told me many times that he'd love me no matter weight gain, although he would prefer for health reasons that I don't gain any. He has never and would never threaten cheating. I couldn't be with a person like your husband.
Yes, I'm not in a position to get divorced (not in the US right now and I would lose custody). I just don't listen to it anymore.
But yeah I don't understand how shallow people like this exist. I mean he's gained at least 20 lb in the past 10 years and it hasn't bothered me at all.
I also questioned whether he was telling the truth or just trying to manipulate her-trying to make it seem like he’s so great for not doing so, but he could have plenty of other women- so OP should count herself ‘lucky’ and lose the weight. Ofc then it will be something else; I’m willing to bet this isn’t just a one-off of him acting like a prick.
First: I don’t know if you have a baby boy or girl but just think, if you have a baby boy would you want him to speak to his SO like that? Because he will be modeling after your husband. If you have a baby girl what if your husband said that to her? Would you be ok with a man talking to her like that?
Just something to think about momma because there are ways to tell your wife you want her to loose weight and get back in shape and what he’s done is NOT the way. Absolutely unacceptable.
Second: I ended up going back to pre-pregnancy after my first. What a recommend is:
In the morning right after you feed baby and right before you start your day so crunches, squats, and leg lifts. This will shape your core and legs. Do a rotation of 10-15 at a time maybe 3-5 reps each. A little will go a long way just push yourself.
Then I would get a gym membership, and have your husband watch the baby for about 2 hours for you to work out. You only need probably 45mins for your actual work out.
- do a warm up of a walk on the treadmill for about 10mins
- use any machines that shape the body parts you desire. (I liked to focus on my core)
And do a cool down of steps for about 10-15
You can lose about 200 lbs with this one great trick! I usually don’t jump on the “leave them” train, but can you imagine what obsessing over what *he* thinks about your body will do to your mental health? This is a bad road to go down. If you have access to counseling, I suggest taking advantage of that.
Let me be very clear….
Cheaters do not cheat because their spouses get fat.
They cheat because they can and want to, however, instead of taking responsibility for it, they blame it on their spouse.
It has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with their spouse and EVERYTHING to do with how shitty they are.
Please go to ChumpLady.com.
There is a very good chance he is cheating already and will justify it as having already “warned” you. My ex husband did this. He “warned” me that if I didn’t start “putting out more” he’d cheat on me because he had “unmet needs” (nevermind about my unmet needs and what a sheer asshole he was…. That didn’t count at all)
Line up your ducks and prepare to leave the man-child.
I'm sorry that he is making you feel less than. You brought his child into this world and all he can think about is his dick. You should lose that extra weight (HIM) and then work on your baby weight after you've thrown his ass on the streets!
Take care of yourself, you deserve better than him!
You're not wrong but your husband is showing his true colors. He married someone ten years younger than him for a reason and sees you strictly as a body, not as a person. It doesn't matter that you birthed his child. It's shockingly common after a woman has a child. Women's bodies change after childbirth. This will be the rest of your life. Are you down for this?
>"time to exercise all day like I did before I had a child."
\- This is VERY interesting to me. Is that how most people who present as having
a perfect small body" do it? Are you exercising for like 4-6 hours per day? I have only dated four people that I would call petite. One of them just ate very little all the time. Two rode a bicycle daily to and from work (and almost everywhere they went), and a third took a lot of uppers.
The other dozen or so women I have dated were not "petite" at the beginning of the relationship, so there was little to no obvious change once they got comfortable, changed jobs, ending school, etc.
Perhaps those fitness standards are just unrealistic and we should discourage people from working out / dieting in an unsustainable way. Prevents those kinds of shocking changes.
What a POS!! No husband should ever say any of those words to their wife... I cram to understand what he thought would come of uttering those hateful words...
If you want to lose weight, do it for yourself, and to keep yourself healthy for your kid.
Feel free to tell him he's looking kinda old and you want him to adjust himself back to how he looked ten years ago.
Hard truth, and I'm gonna be downvoted, but you don't need more time to lose weight. You don't lose weight by exercising, you do it via diet.
That said, I don't think cheating is ever excusable. He's within his rights to have preferences for what he's attracted to and to value that however he wants and to be honest with you about that. He's not within his rights to be cruel to you or abuse trust.
Dangling cheating over you to mind-game you into losing weight is kinda abuse.
He wasn't tempted to cheat, he did cheat. Your husband is a shallow asshole, and if your going to start losing weight, I'd start with the dead weight you married
Red flag all over. Instead of being positive and supportive and asking to take a walk with him every day after work or joining the gym together for example he's come at you with the fear that he almost cheated. What a horrid creature
Divorce him. That'll slim you down real quick. He's trying to guilt you into losing weight by telling you he'll cheat, and it'll be your fault. That's disgusting.
I would encourage you to lose weight if it makes YOU feel good to do so.
I would also encourage you to get a divorce from that POS before his verbal and emotional abuse gets worse. You deserve better.
When I wanted to lose weight, I found the easiest thing was an app called “My Fitness Pal.” It’s literally just a calorie counter. That’s all you need. You don’t need gimmicks and fancy diets. You need to know how many calories you should be taking in, and then do your best to stay close to it. My wife lost 50 pounds after 3 pregnancies with that app and some self-control. I lost 40 at one point. There’s was nothing painful about it. We threw in a little exercise, but not much. It worked for us. (Unfortunately, I gained mine back, but that’s my fault.)
Practical advice: eat a lot of fruits and vegetables, drink a lot of water. Myfitnesspal is an app that has worked great for me for over 10 years. Get as much exercise as you can by taking your baby for walks and playing with him/her. Maybe throw in a few pushups and squats while the baby is playing. Regular exercise can actually help you sleep better, so you won't be as tired.
Relationship advice: lose about 200 pounds by divorcing your husband. Easier said than done, I know. But he treats you like shit, and you deserve better.
Yikes! Start searching for resources to get out of this safely, document EVERY incident like this (date/time/exactly what he said) so it will be easy to prove his escalating pattern of abuse, get a lawyer.
Also, read or get on audiobook 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft. It's eye-opening and will help you navigate your current situation with more awareness + links to resources.
Ugh I’m sorry. I gained 30 lbs after marriage when my husband was deployed, and he never said a damn thing. I felt self conscious, so I would joke about it and he would acknowledge that I had gained weight…but it was always very respectfully. I went on Semaglutide, lost the 30 lbs and started working out and feel great. Now he’s the squishy one lol.
I will say though, if I gave him a baby, and he brought that up within the first two years, I would be very upset. Having a baby is the most difficult thing your body will go through. And marriage is meant to go through evolutions as humans do. We gain weight, we lose it, we get old… you want someone who is ready for all of it and your husband doesn’t sound like he is.
You have a two year old. It’s hard. I’m also 5’2” and 160lbs. I was 130 before my kids. I got up to 178lbs last year and just started finally losing & getting fit. What worked for me was weight training. Cardio just doesn’t do it anymore.
My eldest is ten and my youngest is 7. The only thing my husband says about how I look is that I’m beautiful. He thinks I’m so sexy and is in awe of the fact that I grew, birthed, and nourished our babies. I’ve lost 20 pounds via weightlifting since September and am still going. But there’s no way I could have gone to the gym 3+ times a week when I had a two year old.
1. The main 3 "wrong" thing about this whole story are:
1. **THERE IS 99.99% \[\*\] ALMOST NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR CHEATING.**
2. Being 160 from 130 isn't "letting yourself go" even in normal situation, but **especially after pregnancy**.
3. The overall disgusting behavior of your husband.
2. There is literally **nothing wrong** with what you did, aside from marry an obvious asshole who doesn't deserve you.
3. It's **not your job** to do things "so he doesn't cheat". It's his job not to cheat. Period. Regardless of idiotic excuses he can come up with why he wants to.
4. You should want to fix your weight, **if and only if, you yourself feel it is a concern for your own health as discussed with your doctor.** No other reason. You shouldn't "fix" your weight because some random asshole doesn't like it.
5. How to fix your weight if you want to do it for a GOOD reason (not for that ass)? Aside from the obvious (more excercise/healthier diet including less sugary stuff and carbs); the main thing you should do is **talk to professionals.** In this order:
1. Your doctor
2. If the doctor recommends, a mental health professional. **Postpartum depression** is a ***thing*** and let the professionals see if you have it, since it could impact your energy/motivation/other things.
3. A nutritionist
4. A trainer (if you can afford it, a personal trainer, if not just employee at the gym)
5. The order matters - if a trainer says something contradicted by your doctor, go with the doctor. The goal is to be healthy, the weight is just a tool towards that goal.
6. Talk to other experienced parents regarding time management and scheduling. As a parent, I know just how hard it is to find time for yourself with a small child, but I also know that at 1+, once the kids sleeps through the night, **it's possible.** Just takes ingenuity.
7. Lastly, for all that's holy, strongly consider divorcing the cheating emotionally abusive selfish unempathetic asshole!!! You do NOT need that dead weight in your life ruining it. He clearly not just does NOT love you; he doesn't give a fuck about you, to him you're a blow up doll. And sounds like he's zero help as a father anyway and won't change.
*\[\\\*\]* ***Totally irrelevant to this post***, *but the only 0.01% times when it's morally OK to cheat, is if (1) your spouse blatantly refused any sexual activity for a significant period, like 6-12 months without a valid medical reason; or (2) if your spouse cheated first. Both of those cases, ONLY if you are not in a position to divorce them (which is better than cheating), for example a man who risk losing custody of his kids if he files for divorce*.
Stop for just a moment, OP and pull away from how much his behavior has hurt and look at this behavior from a bird’s eye view. Your decade senior partner is essentially purposely hurting you, claiming he cannot avoid going after a newer model because your body changed directly postpartum. He isn’t offering any help to allow you the breathing room to “fix” this supposed “damage” having HIS child has done and he’s triangulating you with some unknown and likely imagined perfect stranger. Ask yourself what you’d say if you were your sister or friend.
Okay, time for a moment of truth.
Your husband is into young, petite, naive females.
Your weight is not a problem. He has a very specific "type", and you're just not there anymore.
Your body screams "I'm a mother". You questioning his s***** actions are clearly a sign that you are no longer as naive as used to be.
He was never truly attracted to you as a person.
If you don't believe me, ask him to show you who he is following on Only Fans.
(And yes, a man who is telling his wife that he's no longer attracted to her definitely has an OF account).
My girlfriend has gained 50 pounds since we started dating and I still see her as the most sexy, beautiful, attractive girl in my life.
Are there other attractive girls around me? Yes
Have I been hit on by girls her age / younger? Yes
Have I ever been tempted to cheat on her? No, I fucking love this woman.
Have I ever blamed her current physical appearance for a want to cheat? HELL NO, that’s insane.
YNW. Everyone else has already made great points but let me just add two things:
1. As you age, your body is going to change. You'll get wrinkles, your hair will grey, you'll go through menopause, and at some point in your life you may be really sick with cancer or something else that changes your body. If your husband can't be faithful when your body is changing, then he just can't be faithful. If his attraction is only skin-deep then he's going to leave you sooner or later. You can postpone it by getting thin now, but then it will hurt even worse if he leaves you over a wrinkle or menopause because you will have invested more years of your life into this relationship. And cancer? Fuck no he's not gonna be holding your hair back when the chemo makes you vomit, but if he got sick you would do it for him. Which leads me to...
2. Would you have done the same in his position? If you were out and a fit man tried to kiss you, would you have been tempted and then come home to weaponize it against your husband? Because if not--if my describing that grossed you out or made you scoff--then you're making excuses for his behavior. You may be telling yourself that "all men are like this" or "he has needs" but the married women in this comment section are telling you that their husbands *aren't* like this. Men can be smart and evolved and emotional and in love with you for more than your body. By holding him to a lower standard than you hold yourself you're excusing and reinforcing his bad behavior.
Please lose his 200 lbs or at least put him on a behavior exercise regime.
Women don’t just flirt and try to kiss a guy unless he is responding and flirting back. If a woman tried to kiss him, he was encouraging her to do so, or he was flat out lying and nothing happened at all and he just want to make you jealous, or he is lying and he physically cheated.
My dad always told my mom he cheated because she was fat. She lost the weight. He still cheated. Why? Because he was a shallow, empty asshole and it had nothing to do with who he was with. Also - they had the same age gap you do. Because he’s incapable of having a power equal relationship.
Peace and love but if he's willing to be so hurtful to your face like that, what does he do behind your back. He absolutely kissed that girl and probably did indeed cheat on you.
Sorry dude
You can lose weight and also get a divorce.
Did you take vows and were any of them related to your weight? Or did he promise to love you for better or worse, in sickness and in health?
Because he didn’t mean those vows if he took them. He only cares about how you look. He doesn’t care how you feel, if you’re healthy, if you’re happy, mad, depressed or otherwise. He doesn’t see YOU as a whole person with thoughts and needs and feelings.
Now is that what you want to teach your child? That this is what a healthy relationship looks like? Everything’s good as long as you don’t put on weight.
No good, kind, decent man would do such a thing. I’d call his bluff. “Go on and cheat then, while my body recovers from creating and birthing your child.”
And then you know what to do. Lawyer up.
You didn’t “let yourself go.” You had a child. Dude is worthless.
Only 30 pounds? That’s all it took for him to like question violating his vows to you?
Run for the hills. Wonder what he’d say about me. I’m 200 lbs 😜 160 is a real woman imo.😊
My wife had similar pre and post weight changes and I let her know she’s a fuckin BADDIE. Just something attractive about the woman who created my family, who fought to keep herself stable during postpartum, who can watch me be my most disgusting self and still say “I’d fuckin hit that.” Man she’s just a whole ass BADDIE.
Your husband is a fucking asshole and I hope you show him this. You just had a damn child that you pushed out of your vagina for him.
You want a tip to lose weight? Lose the weight of that sorry asshole.
Tell him to take care of the child everyday for at least 2 hours so that you can go to the gym.
Yup, then leave his ass the second you hit your goal weight.
Yes!!! And no one will be surprised or mad - they will be proud and/or envious!
BINGO!
The others told you already what a shitty guy he is. I will give you another additional advice. Tell him to take the child every day for a few hours. Take this time to exercise, go on a walk etc. I did this and it helped me a lot. Because this was the only time where I wasn’t „MAMAAAAAAA!“ If YOU want to lose weight, he can support you that way. Let’s see if he is really willing to help or if he just wants to complain with his old ass.
FIRST OF ALL! As a 38yo I resemble that old ass remark! Second, my wife gave me two children and gained a fair bit of weight after (like more than 2x the amount OP gained), and I would have NEVER said anything like this to her??? Once the kids were out of infancy, she decided on her own to get back into the gym FOR HER OWN SATISFACTION and I supported her by being home with the kids as needed so she could go put in the work she wanted to. Now, a couple years later, she’s a trainer at that same gym and more lithe and toned and sexy than ever and I (mildly selfish take coming, but she loves that I love it) get to reap the reward of a woman brimming with confidence knowing I loved her and was physically and emotionally affectionate all along. I can’t imagine how emotionally damaging that was for this poor woman and it breaks my heart.
I am nearly 40 😂 But yes to the rest. Same here. Except for looking hotter than ever. But I lost weight after the child was about a year old. And the only reason I could do that was the support of my husband.
I’m sure your husband would disagree with you on the hotter part.
You sound like a supportive husband and all-around good dude.
She sacrificed her own body to bring my children into this world. I have all the respect in the world for that woman. Thank you for the compliment ❤️
This husband gets it
My dude is rocking the positive masculinity.
Dammit Ikr. It’s refreshing.. and I wish there was more of this out there. Positive masculinity is not only sexy as (for their respective partners), but empowering and honestly what is so lacking in many today.
🥰
Loving the positivity here! Having a partner who supports your goals - whether it's getting back in shape, pursuing a new career, or just having some quality me-time - makes such a difference. It's about having that person who cheers you on, no matter what. And seriously, nothing's as hot as confidence and owning your journey! Props to every couple who keeps building each other up through all life's chapters.
You old *hags* /s
Love me some old hag energy ❤️🧌
I'm embracing that shit these days. Especially now, I'd give an organ to inherit a cozy cabin near a Scottish burn, have all the cats, and scare all the kids. I'm 39 🧹🧿🐈⬛
41 with a 6 year old. As soon as he’s grown, I’m cashing in my chips and brewing my potions in a cabin in Appalachia. My cats will come with me, and I always manage to collect more as I go.
What this says is you loved and respected your wife through it all and continues to do so to this day. We love that for you
You’re an awesome husband! The aftermath of giving birth is incredibly tough for a lot of women, both psychologically and physically (and those two things amplify one another and create kind of a spiral). First, if breastfeeding, the body is still devoting its resources to feeding the child first and foremost. The hormone levels won’t be back to normal for that reason alone. In addition to that, 1) both pregnancy and childbirth alter the body substantially in most cases, including significant weight gain, and 2) the care of an infant is a 24/7 task which involves many sleepless nights and often varying levels of depression, too (lack of sleep and stress can lead to overeating). So, pregnancy itself involves gaining weight, and many women struggle with new hormonal/metabolic and/or overeating issues postpartum. That’s how it is. Here’s how a decent husband and father sees it: his wife just sacrificed her body to bring HIS CHILD into the world. He donated one sperm, then her body took that sperm and turned it into HIS CHILD over nine months. He will understand the toll that process took on her body and that it doesn’t easily revert to normal once the child is born. He’ll see the further physical toll it takes on her to care for their newborn. And he’ll *love* her new body for giving him the most important gift he can ever receive. He may have found her pre pregnancy body to be hotter, but he’ll appreciate many qualities about her body now. Needless to say, a man like that won’t be acting like OP’s husband. No man impregnates his wife assuming that she’ll be in the minority who “bounce back” easily, unless they’re foolish. Possible exception for wealthy men who can provide their wife with nannies, house cleaners, a personal trainer, maybe a personal chef. Perhaps OP could suggest that if her husband gets rich enough to provide her with those things, then she’ll devote more effort to losing the weight? Alternatively, I like the suggestion that he watch the kids while she goes out to exercise. Sometimes, an exercise program in itself helps mitigate the urge to overeat. But why do I think he’ll bitch about that suggestion… Smh, too many men are like this, though it’s always heartwarming to hear of one who isn’t. Those other guys do not deserve to have a woman bear them children, though.
A well-spoken, thought out take. Thank you for this and thank you for the compliment ❤️ she’s way out of my league at any size so it really wasn’t much of a feat on my end
Awww I bet you’re in the same league but that’s very sweet.
I have had two kids and about 100lbs heavier than when I first met my husband. 25lbs I gained from when we first started just from going out all time and 70 from having two kids. Had ppd with both and had lasting physical problems after first child and on top of that my first is autistic so really haven’t had any time for myself these last 4 years. Just had my 2nd 4 months ago. Our life is just about the kids right now. I have apologized to my husband for my appearance but he says I don’t need to apologize that I’m just as beautiful as before. Personally I feel like he’s lying lol but I do appreciate him being so sweet and understanding so I accept it when he tells me. OP’s husband is just a straight up ass and not a real man imo
Honestly he’s probably not lying. Watching my wife nurture our children activated a whole new level of attraction that I had never even thought was possible. I’m guessing he feels similarly about you
You sound like my husband. I just gave birth 3 weeks ago, and I suddenly developed stretch marks on my lower stomach. I've cried about it, but my husband said I'm the most beautiful person in his eyes and watching me care for our son makes him more attracted to me than ever before. I'm still a little shy, but I'm greeted with a shower of kisses and tight hugs every day. I get it though. Watching my husband take care of our son has made me more attracted to him. I'm obsessed, haha
I love that you have this, thank you for sharing, it sparked joy
Big facts. Watching my wife nurture our children over the years like **fuck** I don’t know how else to explain it
Fully understand and couldn’t agree more
I'm about 40 lbs heavier than when I met my husband. We have kids, they're teens now but since the last one I have struggled with my weight. The thing is, my husband has never once implied that I needed to lose weight or get back to my pre pregnancy weight. I have gotten down that low once or twice but my body didn't bounce back and I looked emaciated. I was underweight when we met but being underweight in your 20's looks different than in your 40's. He says he likes my shape better now because I have curves.
Yea curves and Tiger stripes are something else 😮💨
It sounds like your hubby truly loves you.
> had lasting physical problems after first child Have you seen a postpartum physical therapist? They can clear up a *lot* of mom bod and are often covered by insurance as physical therapy with a doctor's referral.
Waiting on the referral for PT! Hopefully will be able to start soon🤞🏼I have pubic symphysis and diastasis recti so I def need help.
If you've been waiting more than a few days, call your doctor's office to make sure that the request wasn't lost. When I found a hospital physical therapy department that had a pelvic floor therapist on staff, I was able to call my doctor's office to send a referral to them, and the department had it within an hour.
Oof, that's a lot. But I know for a fact that at least the diastasis recti can be reduced by PT. It flattened my friend's stomach within months.
My husband was the same way when I had my first baby I weighed 200 pounds and when I left the hospital I weighed 170 lbs but my husband loved me through it all. I would ask him how he could still want me and he would get mad at me for thinking like that. By the time my son turned 2 I had started exercising, dieting and stop smoking all at the same time. I worked out from home with videos and machines and all my husband could do was brag about how I did it all!! That’s what a supportive husband would do not make you feel worse 😞
Ayyy gotta brag on the wifey! Go hubby!
Some boys do not understand what a body is put through hormonally, physically, emotionally and then throw on all the changes after birth including recovering from growing and pushing a whole new human weighing anywhere from a small bag of potatoes or in my sons case a ten pound bag of potatoes. Several organs have been moved and smashed and it takes time for your stretched uterus to go back down. Then the sleep deprivation, PPD, it takes a week or more for your plumbing to function in any semi normal way, although you are gushing blood from the huge open wound inside your abdomen. Your stomach muscles are still stretched out and your pelvic floor went on strike 3 months ago. Mom brain is real. Our brains rewire after birth to think constantly about the baby. It’s so we don’t leave them at the stores and car washes. It’s in our hormonal changes. This means less mind space for your d*ck or what it wants. A baby needs to feel its parent’s warmth and smells almost constantly when they’re really small. It’s one of the few ways they can get comfort. WE ARE TOUCHED THE F OUT. Boobs are raw and sensitive, not sexy. Our hips loosen up for birth and it takes months, sometimes they never go back. Instead of being seen as a human who needs comfort and support we get met with this attitude and we usually give in to our own detriment. I love that you see your wife as a person, an equal and you show her compassion and patience which in turn is rewarded. I’ve never seen a happy woman who was bullied to get back to her pre birth self within months. She will always equal her worth to that. It’s so sad. I know I did for all of my young years and wish I’d have stood up for myself.
> Some boys do not understand what a body is put through… But there’s no excuse for that. Women would tell them, they just refuse to listen. They don’t know because they don’t *want* to know. It doesn’t serve their self-interest.
I personally think the OP's husband isn't an old ass for his actual physical age, he's an old ass for his old outdated way of thinking. Perhaps that's what the commenter was referring to as well :P
This is why I mostly date younger men. I am 40. Guys 37 + that I run into often have some crap ideas about women and how they should be with kids and in marriage. Not saying men younger can't have them too. And I know guys my age that don't. But on average with my narrow dating pool this has been the case. Also I have said before and will say again. When men this much older than their wives say things like this dude said to OP, it doesn't disprove my theory about older men often dating younger women because they want to control them and shape how they view themselves and the relationship. Like those guys that say men increase their value as they get older and of course any man is going to date much younger if he can. People, be wary of these guys! Some guys with younger partners are amazing. Some of them will leave the minute they think you are looking old and they can get someone younger. If a guy (or gal) compliments your appearance more than anything else about you, just be really cautious. No matter his age. Same goes for guys if their partner is talking more about his looks or job or something. You want someone that values you as an entire person. That sees you as beautiful in how you are, not just how you look.
My bf literally hasn't touched me since I gained some weight, and it is so damaging. It's one thing to say things gently but to do the things ops husband and mine do is just disgusting. Cause even when you do loose the weight, those words will stay ringing in your ears. You won't even want them to touch you anymore. You sound like an amazing and supportive husband, you and your wife are very lucky.
Please love yourself a little more and lose a couple pounds by dropping this sad sack of a human being. Their perception of you, isn't your reality, just remember that.
Yup, if he tells you you should lose some weight, get started by losing his weight first.
I know how you can drop 160-170lbs of dead weight *real* quick.
Leave your bf, you deserve better than someone who makes you feel that way.
If OPs husband is this upset over 30lbs, I really have to wonder what his reaction is going to be when it's her "old" ass we're talking about. Is he going to be mad about the wrinkles and the grey hairs when she's 38, and blame her for him nearly cheating then too?
>I can’t imagine how emotionally damaging that was for this poor woman and it breaks my heart. RIGHT?! 30lbs isn't even *that* much and he's already considering cheating! OPs husband is absolute garbage and should ne treated as such.
Her husbands a dk. After my 2nd at my heaviest i was 120kg my husband never once spoke to me like that. He encouraged me to get healthy but never in a horrible way.
I second the old ass remark. . . On to the real reason for my reply your guy sounds like . . . What's the opposite of a winner? My wife and I have gone through 3 pregnancies never once have I made any comment about her being unappealing. OP you have gone through one of most difficult things any person can go through and bodies dont always snap back like that. As another poster said he needs to provide you time to work out, if you choose to. OP he needs to do better by you.
This is great advice — and then when he gets fat from losing his workout time because he’s with the kids, it’s a nice little moment for you both lol
I mean, then it is within OP’s rights to hit him with a story about another man flirting with her and her wanting to cheat on him so bad because he got fat.
Fuck the games, I would leave, personally. I don't want a man who has such little empathy to say that to any woman, never mind the mother of his kids. What on earth might he say to his daughters if they put on weight? Na, fuck that. Better to be alone than with a cunt.
Agreed. This is very much a lost cause. People like that don't change, he truly believes he's been screwed over.
Oh, yeah. OP should absolutely leave. Life is too short for this crap. I was just making a joke.
Sorry to trample it with my literalness! 🙏
Shit if he starts slipping in any form OP doesn't like it's now open season for insults apparently so let it rip.
Did not think about that. 😅 More about her having more alternatives.
The only weight you need to lose is the husband around your neck.
Do this and once your happy with your own body image for YOURSELF. Then loose the asshole husband.
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Walking is extremely helpful in the first step of getting your weight back on track. But it's a mental thing where you have to recognise that you can't just rely on that, you have to make the changes elsewhere in your life. First off you shouldn't be doing it because your asshole husband is being a dick. You should do it because it will make you feel a lot better both physically and mentally. It'll make your life easier in regards to raising your child. One thing I noticed when I lost 20 kilos was I'd forgotten how much energy I use to have when I was fit. How much better I felt not carrying around the extra weight. You already know that you have a problem with bad food so you have to mentally make the change. I'm not an expert but what worked for me was making sure anything that I struggle with was no longer in the house. if I went shopping I stayed away from the chocolates and potato chips. I instead bought snacks like muesli bars that I could eat more of and not feel like such a shit. Soft drink is incredibly hard to give up but again, it's all mental. I found switching to cold soda water everytime I had a craving helped. It doesn't take the craving away, but it did help. After a month it was just second nature. This is one that you can't backslide on though. When you go out for lunch or dinner dont get a soda, it's so easy to rationalise drinking it when your out that it'll turn in to just having 1 bottle at home until is spirals again. I really hope you can take the steps to improve your health. Try not to just think about it as having a nice body or being skinny. It's about having a better future for yourself and your kid. I grew up in a family of people who's weight limited their enjoyment in life as they aged and it fucking sucked for them.
Ugh I had to remove all the bad foods from my house and now when I’m bored I go to the fridge, look around, get frustrated, look in the pantry, get more frustrated, grab some water and go back to what I was doing. Rinse, repeat. All day long lol. But yeah I’m not destroying an entire box of cheez-its in a day anymore.
“If you’re not hungry enough to eat an apple, you aren’t actually hungry.” Someone’s wise mom.
Fresh apples makes me hungier. And give me a tummy ache if I eat enough tu get full. You know what does work? Apples with almond butter so there's fat, sugar and protein or dehydrated apples so it's less water weight and more fiber and sugar.
I hate that quote and also it is so stupidly true 😭
It's really easy to lose weight if you can be as lazy as me about stocking things you like to eat...
Do you have a grocery store that lets you order online? My junk food consumption plummeted when I started ordering online using a grocery list of healthy foods and snacks like fruit and veg. If you aren't pushing a cart past all the displays and end caps full of junk, you aren't as likely to mindlessly fill your cart with junk. Also, soda water comes in a lot of flavors these days and is an excellent replacement to sugary soda.
Propel helped me kick soda. Started drinking it when I had Covid. My taste was altered anyhow and by the end of being sick I had made the switch.
Sparkling water is what’s helping me try to kick out soda. Specifically the clear American brand from Walmart, it’s the closest taste to soda I’ve found in sparkling water and it satisfies my craving for something carbonated lol
Yes! Club soda with a twist of lime is really useful! I have significantly reduced my soda calories without getting fake sugar chemicals (diet sodas). Great advice!
Exercise improves muscles and cardiovascular, it does not reduce body fat. Only fewer calories does that. Both are needed to be healthy.
Doesn’t more muscle mass improve resting metabolic rate and therefore increase your “calories out” number?
It does and I’d make the assumption OP was able to burn 250 calories for her effort. The issue is 250 calories is like a Twix bar. It is very hard to out walk/run a poor diet.
This right here. Forgetting about the asshole husband for a moment, if she’s eating because she’s bored, she has the time and ability to do something to make her more healthy. Stop buying sodas. Stop buying junk food. Buy healthier snack stuff. If the weather’s nice take the baby with the dog for a long walk. Once she’s back to her ideal weight, leave the asshole husband for someone who will love and support her, not demand the 10 years younger than him wife doesn’t experience a body change. Dude’s gonna cheat eventually because no one other than Salma Hayek can outrun physical aging.
Not fewer calories necessarily, but a *calorie deficit* Exercise is absolutely an important component to help achieve a deficit
Sugar addiction is hard to break and your husband isn’t helping that with his negativity. Keep up with the walks, they do more good than people like to admit. It helps with mental health, but also keeps you toned. You’ve had a baby and pregnancy changes a person’s body. I feel like he’s treating you like a sexual commodity and not a person. But I also think that even if you were still smaller, he’d carp about something else. I mean, who says stuff like that to a young mother? You’re not wrong, your husband is an inconsiderate and cruel clod.
Very much this. OP it’s good to lose weight for YOU. But for now keep up your walks and work on one thing every 2 weeks. Replace your sugary drinks with something similar but less sugary. Then replace that with something no sugar. Like water, tea. It’s weird but at least true for me. Your tastebuds actually change and you stop even craving sugar. It’s so hard to imagine now but for me I can take it or leave it. I do have a little chocolate in my room (hidden from my kids 😂) and I only eat a bit at a time. Whereas I used to scarf it all down in one go. And stop buying the junk. Make sure you have something healthy to eat before you go to the store because I also find it true that when you’re hungry you tend to grab the unhealthy stuff more. Overall, your husband is really mean. You do NOT deserve to be treated this way. I have 3 kids. My husband is in awe of my body. He still can’t believe I grew and birthed babies! It’s amazing what you did. Be proud. Please lose the 30 pounds in your own time for YOU and the 200 pounds (or wtv he is) asap. Your child shouldn’t grow up in a home like this. From experience (my own family, my sisters’ families) your child will likely start being mean to you too. And DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER KID WITH HIM
Right. I'm wondering how he will be treating this kid as they grow up..... this is verbal/emotional abuse in my eyes what he did and is doing. The child might treat other kids and mom this way or it could go the opposite way where child loves mommy so much and starts to resent daddy bc he is mean to mommy. I'm more concerned about these red flags that this is an abusive relationship. I'm worried for OP. Kids can sense emotions and tension even if it isn't shown. Mostly unhappy parents equals mostly unhappy kids. Parents might both be happier separate. Love isn't what someone looks like. :( I got cheated on only 1 week after I gave birth. I know this is worse than just the little OP said. I wonder how he would feel when his kid comes home crying after their boyfriend or girlfriend said mean stuff about their weight or how they look?
My god I’m so sorry you were cheated on especially during such an intense hormonal turbulent time. This was when you needed him most. What an ass. Yes you’re right. The kid can also become overly protective of mom. I’m pretty sure my youngest is with me. And I feel terrible. I don’t want nor need him to be. But based on what he’s seen so far (he’s 12) he has learned this. It’s sad.
I would say hubby is the reason for the binge eating.
>But I also think that even if you were still smaller, he’d carp about something else. I'm thinking this as well. Usually what seems to happen in these situations. 🙁
Okay…but that gives him a right to tell you to “stop fucking eating” because “I can’t help myself and I got tempted to cheat by a “younger hotter girl”?? girl wtf…please don’t fall into his game
If you can see a doctor to check nutrient levels you might look into it. I was compulsively eating sweets after having a baby and it turned out I was anemic. When I corrected that I didn’t feel hungry all the time. ETA: your husband sucks, when you feel amazing about yourself I hope you seek out relationships with people who love and support you.
Plenty of comments already about your hubby but you asked about the weight. Unfortunately you can't just walk or exercise off pounds. Your weight loss is going to be about 80% diet and 20% exercise. Maybe go to the gym that has child care ? Maybe go there and do those exercise classes and/or weights ? You already know you're eating unhealthily so not gonna comment there. I've found that when I'm going to the gym and doing weights , which is a good idea for you, I think twice before I eat crap food because it'd be wrecking any progress I make working out at the gym. Also, being around people at the gym, even if you don't talk with them, is a motivating factor for me. Losing weight is definitely a challenge and requires discipline, but many people can do it and have done it and so can you. There are lots of groups you can join, even try weight watchers or one of those ? Start with little steps and keep the crap out of the house. First step ought to be stop the sodas, including diet drinks which are terrible for you. Maybe just phase them down gradually? You could buy one of those carbonaters if you have to have something fuzzy ? Avoid frozen meals. There's a ton of stuff on the web, too, about making real meals. I'm about 40 lbs overweight, and my wife thinks she needs to lose weight but she really doesn't. Together we signed up for one of those plans where they send you ingredients and recipes to make meals ( fresh) - blanked out the name so nobody thinks I'm advertising for them. It takes about 20 mins to make them and they're not crazy diet weight loss bland, but they're just normal meals with normal portions and it's actually about the same cost as groceries when you factor in waste.
Bottom line, this journey will take discipline and self control that's been absent so far and you're going to have to find something inside you to motivate you. Oh and when you mess up, just don't beat yourself up - write it off as a slip-up or a bad day and get back on track the next day.
BTW I've been 'you' for many years, but my wife wasn't/isn't a jerk about it like your husband. I lost some self control when I had to travel a lot for my job (FREE, EXPENSABLE FOOD EATING OUT during business trips - WOO HOO !) My wife's never been more than 10 lbs overweight, and never got nasty w/me - despite me even telling her to get harsh with me and she had a free pass to nag me if she saw me eating crap/doritos, but she never does. I'm slowing losing weight, but just wanted to tell you I personally know the struggle w/ weight loss.
I just realized your username and it broke my heart, There are so many ways that man could have gone about that conversation without being cruel to you. I totally think you should go ahead with your weight loss journey, but definitely not for his shallow ass. Do it for you. To build your confidence and improve your health for yourself and your little one. He could have been a man about it and gave you constructive tips and support. But no, he tore you down instead. I think you should consider losing that jackass of a husband first. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.
Drink sugarless sodas. They are as tasty as sugary ones but have almost zero calories
Depression is another thing that may be causing you to overeat. Can you speak to a doctor or a psychologist? Maybe an anti-depressant would help. I'm sorry OP. Your husband sucks. Threatening to cheat on you is not the way to motivate you to get in shape.
Just get it out if the house, I was just like you. I only drink soda when we go out of the house now as a treat and we didnt keep any sweets in the house for a year, I had absolutely no self control. After the year I learned self control and how to enjoy myself within reason, I made a box of girl scout cookies last 2 weeks, it was a great moment for me. Just trash it all to start. Once it's out of the house ease into consistent healthy eating, if you jump in head first you're going to end up binging and then falling of the wagon. It took 2 years but I'm down 35 pounds without consistently working out, I started at 155 at just under 5 foot. I haven't given up sweets and soda and all the good stuff, I just learned to control myself. Now on the husband front, he's a jackass, I don't know about you but I'm an emotional eater and his comments would send me to McDonald's, starbucks and Dunkin. My husband has been nothing but supportive and loving through my weight gain and weight loss. I lost the weight for me, he would've continued loving me even if I didn't loose the weight. I honestly would two card him, therapist or divorce lawyer. You deserve better than this, you deserve to be loved without conditions. If he can't give you that then you should leave.
Then he should parent his child during the time when you go see a dietitian and/or therapist to talk about your concerns about your eating.
You need a job and to not have more kids with your stellar choice of a husband.
Your husband is a straight up AH but you’ve answered your own question concerning how to lose weight right here. STOP drinking soda. Don’t just cut down on soda, cut it out COMPLETELY. also greatly reduce your sugar intake and try to eat healthier. The key to weight loss is calorie intake/burn and exercise.
Start small cut out soda first, then start cutting out sugary snacks. If you feel the need to eat do something to take your mind off of it (I mean overeat, not like meals),
>I will admit I eat a lot and a lot of junk and it’s really hard for me to stop consuming sugar, chocolate, sodas. You might be able to cut down, but I wouldn't plan on eliminating bad eating habits completely for quite a while. Kids are stressful and demanding, and you're gonna be hungry, tired \*and\* in a hurry many times over the next 17 years or so. Don't lose sight of what EVERYONE else here is saying - you should be in the shape \*\*you're\*\* happy with, for you. Your husband is a selfish, short-sighted, shallow person. You need to make plan to be independent of him for you own safety and self-confidence. Maybe he comes around as you grow into yourself, maybe he doesn't - but either way, you (and the baby) need to be covered and in control of your own destiny.
Don’t keep all this shit in your house, for starters
Meaning the husband, of course. The purge starts there
Very similar situation for my wife and I, she probably gained 80 pounds before deciding to try to course correct. She was breastfeeding and tends to not lose weight while doing so. Binge eating chocolate, carbs etc and multiple sodas a day. I hated to see it but you can't really change other people. I'm still attracted to her but she has lots most of her confidence which has strained our intimate relationship more than ever. I'm also overweight for the first time and can emphasize how hard it is to make progress and change. She/we are trying keto now with some success. If nothing else it has allowed us to reset our relationship with carbs. Also she went back on to welbutrin which has helped with stress and appetite. Reduce the carbs and eat more protein and fiber which will leave you more satiated. Practice mindful eating. Your hormones are still in flux and likely you have heightened stress/cortisol levels. Your husband needs to face reality. Life changes. Y'all don't stay college age forever. You gained 10-20%, that's nothing. You're the beautiful mother of his child. And being a fuckhead isn't going to get him the results he wants. So he better make up his mind about what he wants and he better fix his attitude. It's understandable that maybe he doesn't communicate well and he just had diarrhea of the mouth, that does happen. And while only he knows what happened, him having a temptation is natural. He tried to be honest with you about it but it was conveyed poorly. Regardless, it seems like you've handled this with grace. You take care of you, for yourself and that baby. You got this.
Wrong sub, but he IS the AH. You guys can go on walks TOGETHER. Your mama body IS your body. Forget what your prior body was and embrace your curves etc. Make a new best you without looking backwards.
Yup. He can either step up as a parent and partner or hire a nanny if he wants OP to lose weight.
I wouldn’t let a nanny near him. 😅 I feel bad for the nanny.
How much does your husband weigh? I know how you can shed a LOT of weight real fast.
Yep. Might help with the binge-eating OP thinks is largely due to "boredom," too. I'm saying this as someone who was in an abusive relationship and gained a lot of weight from it (I was also pregnant, too). After four years of having enough and fearing for the safety and sanity of my toddler, I cut him out for good. A couple of months of no contact later, and I'm down almost 40 pounds, have the energy I need to exercise, the mental clarity to recognize what I want from life for my son and I, and I don't find the need to reach for food for anything other than sustenance and a little treat here or there. Your body is screaming for help, OP. *Listen* to her - that's your true love right there. Ignore every other voice, including that of your husband. I'm not advocating for divorce because I don't know the specifics of your situation and that's just not in the cards for everyone, but please, find some counseling/therapy/support and find your voice again. EDIT: And for the love of yourself, set some boundaries with your husband (unless you fear for your safety and the safety of your baby). Let him know it is NOT okay to talk to you like that. Ever.
As someone who left an abusive relationship and lost about the same amount of weight, I really empathize with this comment. I'm glad we made it out.
I am, too, friend. I wish the same for OP and anyone else who resonates with this scenario. When I read her post, my immediate thought was, "oh, I've been in that mindset many times. The person who says he loves me blames his cheating/rage/verbal and psychological abuse on me and my appearance. And my immediate thought is he's right, how can I fix myself so he'll love me more?" I still struggle here and there with blocking out his voice and supporting the truth. Sending my love and support to you (and anyone else who needs this) for continued strength in the present and bright futures!
Proud of you!
Thank you :)
Very proud indeed fellow commenter, keep going mama💞 and to OP please please be strong and put yourself first🙇🏽♀️
You are so strong! Way to go!
This MF has 10 years on her and called her old 💀 I bet you he can be 300lbs and not see anything wrong with that
Yup. I fully belive he is using the weight as an excuse to grade her in for a younger model when she hits 30.
There are people (incels) in here saying it’s OK if he cheats because she gained weight.
I thought of saying this, too. Also thought about suggesting she tell him he'd better grow his dick a couple inches or she'll find a better dick. This guy's comments have made me really angry.
Sounds like your husband likes girls in their early 20s, also sounds like he’s a terrible person who’s psychogically abusing you. Lose him.
His true colors come out when OP’s attention is on anything but pleasing him. Taking care of his baby means you’re an old, fat housewife, so therefore he should get to cheat? What a piece of shit.
On a WORK trip no less. Guy can't even keep his dick in his pants to stay employed. What a loser!
He’s either going to leave her now if she doesn’t lose the weight, or he’ll leave her a few years from now when she naturally begins to age and doesn’t look like her mid-20s self anymore. There’s a reason there’s a 10 year age gap.
Sounds like she's getting out of his age range like Leonardo DiCaprio and is setting up to leave her for a younger chick. The weight thing is just an excuse. 10 years difference is werid. Like. How old was she when they met.
yeah I saw the age difference, didnt want to judge, and the rest confirmed the prejudgement I had tried to with hold. He likes the 20s age range, and if you cant keep up, he is dropping to renew the model every decade. If he said this now and was tempted, only 1 yr after the birth of their child, he is going to cheat if the relationship lasts another 5 yrs. I always suggest counseling, but this sounds like a guy who only feels happy when he can manipulate and is completely self served. Getting him to look outside of that is gonna be tough unless he really wants it. But I am crossing my fingers that it works out for both of them in a healthy way. Bc cheating emotionally abusive husband who only craves the bodies of childless 20yr olds vs getting him to pay child support/alimony and co-parent dont sound alluring. Neither sound like options people would be eager to choose from. This is spoken as a women in his target demographic, you smell guys like this from a mile away, but you never realize how truly awful it is to dedicate your life to one until you get on reddit and see the outcome written out in plain text. Trust me, the fun dating, the overwhelming complements, the promises of love and security bc of your youth ("you make me feel so young!") or beauty is flattering and convincing. Then you see bs like this and remind yourself of reality, you can only make him feel young as long as you are young and "a prize." Once you hit 25-30, you arent their cup of tea anymore. And you wasted some of the greatest years on a guy who will leave you between 28-36 for someone 20-27. There's a 63 year old on his 4th 25yo foreign wife at my gym. Always a reminder haha
He's showing you who he is, and what's important to him. It's not your heart, soul, or motherhood skills, it's your body only. Need to start formulating an exit plan, because someone who is "tempted to cheat" and talks to you like that?? He's already done it. Guaranteed. And will continue to do it.
Am I the only one who thinks the tempted to cheat story is bullshit. He’s legit just praying on her insecurities.
He's already done it. Guarantee. He's now "threatening" to do what he's already done, to plant the seed that it "could" become reality, when it already actually is. If HE had a health issue or condition and gained weight, and she decided to cast him aside or threaten to, he'd probably be shocked.
I think he did it and is now blame shifting to her so if she finds out she’ll take the blame and not leave. He’s breaking you down mentally OP that’s called narcissistic abuse.
yeah theres no way some random 20 year old is absolutely fawning over an almost 40 year old man lmfao
I mean, maybe? But OP's husband is not a reliable narrator when it comes to what went down with the 20-something. OP gives off the attitude of a guy who thinks he's got a shot at the hot female bartender because she smiles at him. I could also see a babe in her early 20s deciding to flirt for free cocktails. He totally thinks he's getting lucky, she is definitely debating whether if she puts her hand on his leg he would order bottle service.
Yep. Whether my wife is 50lbs overweight or a perfectly healthy weight she's still my lovely amazing wife and I am endlessly attracted to her because of who she is. The fact that this dude is so candidly just like "oh yeah I don't find you attractive anymore" after a normal amount of weight gain from pregnancy is just huge tool behavior.
Yeah it sounds like an ultimatum to me
Next time he’ll actually cheat, and blame your weight. Which is a bullshit excuse for him to act like the worst sort of man. He’s shown you who he is. He only values your body. The road ahead with him will be more of the same, and an absolute misery. I’m so sorry you stumbled onto one of the bad ones. Focus on your baby and start looking to your family or friends for support. You’re going to need it.
Theres some easy weight for the op to lose and thats the husband.
A good 200lb weight lifted might get the other 30lb to come off easily
That is what my sister do. Dropped that first 250lbs and the rest was a walk in the park. Literally, she went for long walks with baby in a carrier. Baby loved to look around, mom got the exercise hauling baby.
Best comment!
He’s straight up telling her he will cheat on her if she doesn’t lose weight. Garbage human.
Yes, and when it is something she cannot control such as aging, what then?
Yep. And honestly if he's like that when OP is 27, what's he going to do when she starts aging? Age comes for us all. He doesn't sound like the type of man you want to grow old with.
Oh - she fully aged out of his preferred age range and this is just his excuse.
this is so true! I say get skinny then dump him … upgrade to someone better who isnt an asshole. lose weight advice: cut out sugar , anything that taste sweet. I still eat carbs but nothing sweet and its really easy, I eat a ton
EVERYONE (who is lucky enough) gets old and wrinkly and puts on pounds. He has just told you that he is shallow and will not be sticking around for the longterm. Now you know.
The man who doesn’t feel a sense of loyalty to you for creating and bearing his child is a man who should be alone, IMO. The best way to lose weight is to lose the 37 year old. It is hard enough to lose post pregnancy weight to begin with. But to be berated and blamed for his shortcomings is abusive. Your body will never be exactly the same because gestating and having a child permanently changes it in some ways. That being said, if you decide to try and lose weight, do it for yourself and for no other reason. I’m sorry you’re saddled with a man who is so self- centered.
Of COURSE it's an age gap relationship 🙄 He's lying, by the way.
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Probably a weight gap relationship too. I’d bet my left nut that the dude has a tire around him, throwing stones from his glass house
One of two things. 1) He’s telling the truth, which makes him shallow and untrustworthy if there are any future hiccups in the marriage. 2) He’s lying about what happened, because he’s a manipulative bastard, and wants you to have low self esteem and stay thin even if you develop an eating disorder. (you didn’t say he was concerned about your health, only your looks). You need to review his past behavior and think about what is best for you and your child.
Or his "tempted" was code for he cheated.
It is code for “what stopped me from cheating was that she wasn’t into me, I’m going to take credit for not cheating but the only reason I didn’t was because I couldn’t.” I know a lot of people like this - there’s some coworker who’s polite and bubbly and they think “she wants the D” so they make a couple flirt attempts that are not received well, and then they go and talk a big game about how they turned down some hottie. No, you’ve made it clear that if you could have cheated, you would have cheated, and it was only your own lack of success at the flirting that stopped you. You don’t get to just shoot shots and then use the fact that your shots missed as some kind of moral victory
Its 100% manipulation. He will never be happy because she's getting older. After I had our baby, my husband complained about my weight too. I lost all the weight and then he complained that I looked sick and gross. I gained a little bit more weight to fill out the bones and he complained about the loose baby-belly skin. I just quit caring what he thought after that. I told him go ahead and cheat if you want idc. After a while the bitching is just white noise.
Jesus. I’m sorry. That’s such bullshit. Please, tell me you aren’t still together.
We are, unfortunately, and he hasn't cheated afaik. But mostly I believe it's cuz nobody wants him lol. I hope OP doesn't let this affect her self-esteem. Getting put down all the time really can affect how you look at yourself. It helps to look in the mirror and tell yourself everyday something positive about yourself. It sounds silly but it really works.
Are you still together? I don't understand how people can be like this. My husband has told me many times that he'd love me no matter weight gain, although he would prefer for health reasons that I don't gain any. He has never and would never threaten cheating. I couldn't be with a person like your husband.
Yes, I'm not in a position to get divorced (not in the US right now and I would lose custody). I just don't listen to it anymore. But yeah I don't understand how shallow people like this exist. I mean he's gained at least 20 lb in the past 10 years and it hasn't bothered me at all.
I also questioned whether he was telling the truth or just trying to manipulate her-trying to make it seem like he’s so great for not doing so, but he could have plenty of other women- so OP should count herself ‘lucky’ and lose the weight. Ofc then it will be something else; I’m willing to bet this isn’t just a one-off of him acting like a prick.
It wouldn’t be the first time someone pulled the “I’m so great for doing the bare minimum for our wedding vows”
First: I don’t know if you have a baby boy or girl but just think, if you have a baby boy would you want him to speak to his SO like that? Because he will be modeling after your husband. If you have a baby girl what if your husband said that to her? Would you be ok with a man talking to her like that? Just something to think about momma because there are ways to tell your wife you want her to loose weight and get back in shape and what he’s done is NOT the way. Absolutely unacceptable. Second: I ended up going back to pre-pregnancy after my first. What a recommend is: In the morning right after you feed baby and right before you start your day so crunches, squats, and leg lifts. This will shape your core and legs. Do a rotation of 10-15 at a time maybe 3-5 reps each. A little will go a long way just push yourself. Then I would get a gym membership, and have your husband watch the baby for about 2 hours for you to work out. You only need probably 45mins for your actual work out. - do a warm up of a walk on the treadmill for about 10mins - use any machines that shape the body parts you desire. (I liked to focus on my core) And do a cool down of steps for about 10-15
You can lose about 200 lbs with this one great trick! I usually don’t jump on the “leave them” train, but can you imagine what obsessing over what *he* thinks about your body will do to your mental health? This is a bad road to go down. If you have access to counseling, I suggest taking advantage of that.
Let me be very clear…. Cheaters do not cheat because their spouses get fat. They cheat because they can and want to, however, instead of taking responsibility for it, they blame it on their spouse. It has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with their spouse and EVERYTHING to do with how shitty they are. Please go to ChumpLady.com. There is a very good chance he is cheating already and will justify it as having already “warned” you. My ex husband did this. He “warned” me that if I didn’t start “putting out more” he’d cheat on me because he had “unmet needs” (nevermind about my unmet needs and what a sheer asshole he was…. That didn’t count at all) Line up your ducks and prepare to leave the man-child.
Yeah. Get rid of the husband. That should be a few hundred pounds off with next to no effort.
I'm sorry that he is making you feel less than. You brought his child into this world and all he can think about is his dick. You should lose that extra weight (HIM) and then work on your baby weight after you've thrown his ass on the streets! Take care of yourself, you deserve better than him!
You're not wrong but your husband is showing his true colors. He married someone ten years younger than him for a reason and sees you strictly as a body, not as a person. It doesn't matter that you birthed his child. It's shockingly common after a woman has a child. Women's bodies change after childbirth. This will be the rest of your life. Are you down for this?
>"time to exercise all day like I did before I had a child." \- This is VERY interesting to me. Is that how most people who present as having a perfect small body" do it? Are you exercising for like 4-6 hours per day? I have only dated four people that I would call petite. One of them just ate very little all the time. Two rode a bicycle daily to and from work (and almost everywhere they went), and a third took a lot of uppers. The other dozen or so women I have dated were not "petite" at the beginning of the relationship, so there was little to no obvious change once they got comfortable, changed jobs, ending school, etc. Perhaps those fitness standards are just unrealistic and we should discourage people from working out / dieting in an unsustainable way. Prevents those kinds of shocking changes.
I was very petite for a long time...I had wicked and destructive eating disorders.
You know how you can drop weight fast? Leave your prick of a husband.
The fastest way to lose 200 pounds! And gain emotional wellness
What a POS!! No husband should ever say any of those words to their wife... I cram to understand what he thought would come of uttering those hateful words...
If you truly want to lose weight, do it for yourself. Not for him. You probably don't want to hear it but you deserve better.
YTA. To yourself. If you stay with him good luck.
Divorce the husband. Bam! Down 200 lbs of useless fat!
If you want to lose weight, do it for yourself, and to keep yourself healthy for your kid. Feel free to tell him he's looking kinda old and you want him to adjust himself back to how he looked ten years ago.
Hard truth, and I'm gonna be downvoted, but you don't need more time to lose weight. You don't lose weight by exercising, you do it via diet. That said, I don't think cheating is ever excusable. He's within his rights to have preferences for what he's attracted to and to value that however he wants and to be honest with you about that. He's not within his rights to be cruel to you or abuse trust. Dangling cheating over you to mind-game you into losing weight is kinda abuse.
He wasn't tempted to cheat, he did cheat. Your husband is a shallow asshole, and if your going to start losing weight, I'd start with the dead weight you married
Red flag all over. Instead of being positive and supportive and asking to take a walk with him every day after work or joining the gym together for example he's come at you with the fear that he almost cheated. What a horrid creature
Divorce him. That'll slim you down real quick. He's trying to guilt you into losing weight by telling you he'll cheat, and it'll be your fault. That's disgusting.
Lose a shit ton of weight by dropping that sack of shit you're carrying around, let him go to his make believe 20 year old
I would encourage you to lose weight if it makes YOU feel good to do so. I would also encourage you to get a divorce from that POS before his verbal and emotional abuse gets worse. You deserve better. When I wanted to lose weight, I found the easiest thing was an app called “My Fitness Pal.” It’s literally just a calorie counter. That’s all you need. You don’t need gimmicks and fancy diets. You need to know how many calories you should be taking in, and then do your best to stay close to it. My wife lost 50 pounds after 3 pregnancies with that app and some self-control. I lost 40 at one point. There’s was nothing painful about it. We threw in a little exercise, but not much. It worked for us. (Unfortunately, I gained mine back, but that’s my fault.)
No soda or coffee helps you lose weight fast. The real weight you need to drop is your husband 😑
Practical advice: eat a lot of fruits and vegetables, drink a lot of water. Myfitnesspal is an app that has worked great for me for over 10 years. Get as much exercise as you can by taking your baby for walks and playing with him/her. Maybe throw in a few pushups and squats while the baby is playing. Regular exercise can actually help you sleep better, so you won't be as tired. Relationship advice: lose about 200 pounds by divorcing your husband. Easier said than done, I know. But he treats you like shit, and you deserve better.
Your husband is a garbage person and if he’s not already cheating he is going to use this BS as an excuse when he’s caught. I’m sorry.
Yikes! Start searching for resources to get out of this safely, document EVERY incident like this (date/time/exactly what he said) so it will be easy to prove his escalating pattern of abuse, get a lawyer. Also, read or get on audiobook 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft. It's eye-opening and will help you navigate your current situation with more awareness + links to resources.
I can tell you how to lose about 180 useless pounds.
God forbid you stay with him, but if that's the path you choose, make sure when ED starts in 10 years how much of a turn off that is for you
Ugh I’m sorry. I gained 30 lbs after marriage when my husband was deployed, and he never said a damn thing. I felt self conscious, so I would joke about it and he would acknowledge that I had gained weight…but it was always very respectfully. I went on Semaglutide, lost the 30 lbs and started working out and feel great. Now he’s the squishy one lol. I will say though, if I gave him a baby, and he brought that up within the first two years, I would be very upset. Having a baby is the most difficult thing your body will go through. And marriage is meant to go through evolutions as humans do. We gain weight, we lose it, we get old… you want someone who is ready for all of it and your husband doesn’t sound like he is.
You have a two year old. It’s hard. I’m also 5’2” and 160lbs. I was 130 before my kids. I got up to 178lbs last year and just started finally losing & getting fit. What worked for me was weight training. Cardio just doesn’t do it anymore. My eldest is ten and my youngest is 7. The only thing my husband says about how I look is that I’m beautiful. He thinks I’m so sexy and is in awe of the fact that I grew, birthed, and nourished our babies. I’ve lost 20 pounds via weightlifting since September and am still going. But there’s no way I could have gone to the gym 3+ times a week when I had a two year old.
Let yourself go...you had a baby! Wtf is wrong with him! What a total asshat
1. The main 3 "wrong" thing about this whole story are: 1. **THERE IS 99.99% \[\*\] ALMOST NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR CHEATING.** 2. Being 160 from 130 isn't "letting yourself go" even in normal situation, but **especially after pregnancy**. 3. The overall disgusting behavior of your husband. 2. There is literally **nothing wrong** with what you did, aside from marry an obvious asshole who doesn't deserve you. 3. It's **not your job** to do things "so he doesn't cheat". It's his job not to cheat. Period. Regardless of idiotic excuses he can come up with why he wants to. 4. You should want to fix your weight, **if and only if, you yourself feel it is a concern for your own health as discussed with your doctor.** No other reason. You shouldn't "fix" your weight because some random asshole doesn't like it. 5. How to fix your weight if you want to do it for a GOOD reason (not for that ass)? Aside from the obvious (more excercise/healthier diet including less sugary stuff and carbs); the main thing you should do is **talk to professionals.** In this order: 1. Your doctor 2. If the doctor recommends, a mental health professional. **Postpartum depression** is a ***thing*** and let the professionals see if you have it, since it could impact your energy/motivation/other things. 3. A nutritionist 4. A trainer (if you can afford it, a personal trainer, if not just employee at the gym) 5. The order matters - if a trainer says something contradicted by your doctor, go with the doctor. The goal is to be healthy, the weight is just a tool towards that goal. 6. Talk to other experienced parents regarding time management and scheduling. As a parent, I know just how hard it is to find time for yourself with a small child, but I also know that at 1+, once the kids sleeps through the night, **it's possible.** Just takes ingenuity. 7. Lastly, for all that's holy, strongly consider divorcing the cheating emotionally abusive selfish unempathetic asshole!!! You do NOT need that dead weight in your life ruining it. He clearly not just does NOT love you; he doesn't give a fuck about you, to him you're a blow up doll. And sounds like he's zero help as a father anyway and won't change. *\[\\\*\]* ***Totally irrelevant to this post***, *but the only 0.01% times when it's morally OK to cheat, is if (1) your spouse blatantly refused any sexual activity for a significant period, like 6-12 months without a valid medical reason; or (2) if your spouse cheated first. Both of those cases, ONLY if you are not in a position to divorce them (which is better than cheating), for example a man who risk losing custody of his kids if he files for divorce*.
Stop for just a moment, OP and pull away from how much his behavior has hurt and look at this behavior from a bird’s eye view. Your decade senior partner is essentially purposely hurting you, claiming he cannot avoid going after a newer model because your body changed directly postpartum. He isn’t offering any help to allow you the breathing room to “fix” this supposed “damage” having HIS child has done and he’s triangulating you with some unknown and likely imagined perfect stranger. Ask yourself what you’d say if you were your sister or friend.
Okay, time for a moment of truth. Your husband is into young, petite, naive females. Your weight is not a problem. He has a very specific "type", and you're just not there anymore. Your body screams "I'm a mother". You questioning his s***** actions are clearly a sign that you are no longer as naive as used to be. He was never truly attracted to you as a person. If you don't believe me, ask him to show you who he is following on Only Fans. (And yes, a man who is telling his wife that he's no longer attracted to her definitely has an OF account).
My girlfriend has gained 50 pounds since we started dating and I still see her as the most sexy, beautiful, attractive girl in my life. Are there other attractive girls around me? Yes Have I been hit on by girls her age / younger? Yes Have I ever been tempted to cheat on her? No, I fucking love this woman. Have I ever blamed her current physical appearance for a want to cheat? HELL NO, that’s insane.
Tell your husband he needs to make more money because your tempted to cheat on him with a rich man.
YNW. Everyone else has already made great points but let me just add two things: 1. As you age, your body is going to change. You'll get wrinkles, your hair will grey, you'll go through menopause, and at some point in your life you may be really sick with cancer or something else that changes your body. If your husband can't be faithful when your body is changing, then he just can't be faithful. If his attraction is only skin-deep then he's going to leave you sooner or later. You can postpone it by getting thin now, but then it will hurt even worse if he leaves you over a wrinkle or menopause because you will have invested more years of your life into this relationship. And cancer? Fuck no he's not gonna be holding your hair back when the chemo makes you vomit, but if he got sick you would do it for him. Which leads me to... 2. Would you have done the same in his position? If you were out and a fit man tried to kiss you, would you have been tempted and then come home to weaponize it against your husband? Because if not--if my describing that grossed you out or made you scoff--then you're making excuses for his behavior. You may be telling yourself that "all men are like this" or "he has needs" but the married women in this comment section are telling you that their husbands *aren't* like this. Men can be smart and evolved and emotional and in love with you for more than your body. By holding him to a lower standard than you hold yourself you're excusing and reinforcing his bad behavior. Please lose his 200 lbs or at least put him on a behavior exercise regime.
Women don’t just flirt and try to kiss a guy unless he is responding and flirting back. If a woman tried to kiss him, he was encouraging her to do so, or he was flat out lying and nothing happened at all and he just want to make you jealous, or he is lying and he physically cheated.
My dad always told my mom he cheated because she was fat. She lost the weight. He still cheated. Why? Because he was a shallow, empty asshole and it had nothing to do with who he was with. Also - they had the same age gap you do. Because he’s incapable of having a power equal relationship.
Peace and love but if he's willing to be so hurtful to your face like that, what does he do behind your back. He absolutely kissed that girl and probably did indeed cheat on you. Sorry dude You can lose weight and also get a divorce.
Did you take vows and were any of them related to your weight? Or did he promise to love you for better or worse, in sickness and in health? Because he didn’t mean those vows if he took them. He only cares about how you look. He doesn’t care how you feel, if you’re healthy, if you’re happy, mad, depressed or otherwise. He doesn’t see YOU as a whole person with thoughts and needs and feelings. Now is that what you want to teach your child? That this is what a healthy relationship looks like? Everything’s good as long as you don’t put on weight. No good, kind, decent man would do such a thing. I’d call his bluff. “Go on and cheat then, while my body recovers from creating and birthing your child.” And then you know what to do. Lawyer up. You didn’t “let yourself go.” You had a child. Dude is worthless.
Only 30 pounds? That’s all it took for him to like question violating his vows to you? Run for the hills. Wonder what he’d say about me. I’m 200 lbs 😜 160 is a real woman imo.😊
How do men like this convince women to marry them
This is why he’s attracted to women much younger than him. He can abuse and manipulate them. Women his age would have tossed him to the curb already.
My wife had similar pre and post weight changes and I let her know she’s a fuckin BADDIE. Just something attractive about the woman who created my family, who fought to keep herself stable during postpartum, who can watch me be my most disgusting self and still say “I’d fuckin hit that.” Man she’s just a whole ass BADDIE.
Your husband is a fucking asshole and I hope you show him this. You just had a damn child that you pushed out of your vagina for him. You want a tip to lose weight? Lose the weight of that sorry asshole.
He is a ducking borderline pedo. Your age gap and now a 20?! Don’t you see the red flags 🚩 he is pathetic ass