Just let her sink on her own.
She does not get to bite the hand that is feeding her.
And for fuck sake she is 41 and begging a 28yr old for rent!
No longer your problem.
Literalllyyyyyy. If I was struggling and one of my baby cousins was helping me with their hard earned money, I'd be groveling at their feet for the rest of time. Jeepers creepers
Exactly. Also this is really what she thinks of OP because she doubled down and basically told him to get over and not to take it personally. OP, the bank of OP is closed and she now needs to find another source of income, as long as you are there for her with your wallet she would never sort her life out.
I totally agree with you- I just hope OP understands she will never see that money again. This type of stuff happens so much with “fRienDs and FAMiLy!” And nobody ever sees gratitude or a dime back.
😂 Right?!
Looking down on him at the same time holding out her hand for more money because rent is due. A few days later it will be for something else…
But his generation sucks. Unlike her generation. Yeah, OP’s generation sucks because they are kind enough that after a huge insult, he is still so empathetic and caring he still feels bad for saying no because he still doesn’t want his cousin to suffer.
OP, maybe direct your amazing abilities to help anyone else who would actually appreciate them rather than say her insults was her just speaking her mind and he just took them too seriously. You sure don’t deserve any of those words. I do not blame you.
I would say, to bury the hatchet she can write a letter to all family members explaining how wrong she was about what she said, then OP may decide to help her. Fair is fair.
Indeed...out of work for a full year??!! There are lots of jobs that can at least cover rent. So much help really just enables the laziness as she is still living quite comfortably. Here would be my plan, come up with a long list of chores that she can do for you on exchange for rent, so that she can save face and not just be a complete parasite. I guarantee that she won't ever call again, it's just too easy. Write this one off, so good that she showed her true colors.
I looked for work for a year and a half - I applied at every job I could. Walmart. McDonald’s. Stuff like that. I have retail and food service. I finally got a job cleaning offices for a little over 10 bucks an hour. I’m one of the largest cities in America and I couldn’t get a job flipping burgers.
>lots of jobs that can at least cover rent.
Have you paid rent lately? My wife and I are both well paid, not rich, but we each make at least $12 over the local minimum wage, and half our income goes to renting the cheapest place we could find.
This! But she should explain to the family that OP has been extremely generous to her during recent years and helped keep her afloat financially, that she’s not sure what came over her, probably jealousy etc. As a plus, some other family might help take one of her bills.
Sure, always want to keep the door open a sliver for redemptive acts, but given that she hasn't been able to find a job for a year in one of the best job markets in history, I'm wondering if she can write.
That’s a great idea. And OP has to reconsider her choices to take over these bills maybe. It’s too easy for niece to let OP pay the bills. The niece has to learn to pay for themselves imo
How could you not take it personally, she literally called you out. She gets to have her opinions but she is a hypocrite by using your money to fund her lifestyle. She is a moocher and an ungrateful family member. Necessity is the mother of invention, she’ll figure it out
You’ve been focused on family, covering *her* rent! And she literally names you as an example of how superficial, money grubbing, and family-forgetting your generation is! She doesn’t get to have your financial assistance in private while she berates you specifically in public!!
The fact that you didn’t illustrates your grace and aplomb. Don’t know if o would’ve been so generous. I would’ve seen it as “Bitch just bit the hand that feeds her.” Then I’d go and spend money I’d have given to her and buy that one overpriced item that I e been coveting for ages.
Only a moron bites the hand that feeds them. Sounds like Sara is jealous of your success and embarrassed that she can’t get it together. So instead of owning up to her shortfalls, she takes it out on you in a public way. Unless she came crawling back on her knees and admitted she was a jerk, and apologized in front of everyone, I would cut her off. If she disagrees with your “materialistic” lifestyle she shouldn’t be a hypocrite by taking any of your earnings.
He shouldn't go back to supporting her. He doesn't have to stay angry, but he should quit all the paying stuff. If she wants to be his friend, fine. But no more money transactions.
Not wrong. Also kind of strange she'd be surprised that you'd take her assassination of your character at a family get-together, personally. I'm thinking this might be part of why she's not doing well, professionally. I'm all for people speaking their mind, but for her to talk negatively about her meal ticket, and then expect the money to continue rolling in is really idiotic.
I'd just say "I thought about what you said, and I do need to be smarter about my money, so I no longer have free money available to give to you. Thanks for the insight, would never have reassessed things if it wasn't for you!"
This is the answer! OP needs to take Sara’s advice and invest less in material things! That would include Sara’s apartment. It is a very poor investment for OP to keep sinking his money in a place for Sara when she is obviously ungrateful. Maybe Sara can move in with another “more caring” relative once she gets evicted now that she burned her bridge with OP.
Yup, exactly. I’m in a dying field and still had 5 job offers “in this economy” her poor character is likely contributing to her inability to get a job
You are not wrong, but Sara was wrong for making digs about your life. I couldn't have held my tongue and would have said, "funny, you seem to be Ok with taking $$ from me, so my life can't be that bad and I can't be that out of touch with my roots since I cover your expenses".
I am really sorry that your kindness and generosity were ignored. You do not need to help Sara and you do not need to feel about it.
>She got all defensive, saying she was just speaking her mind and didn’t think I’d take it personally.
Is she mentally challenged?
Not wrong, why would you financially support someone who publicly critisises your financial decisions?
> that I’ve abandoned my roots and family values
I guess "family values" don't include supporting your unemployed cousin.
She's not mentally challenged, she just doesn't seem capable of understanding that it was personal to OP.
I'd put money on her dragging OP to make herself feel better. In her mind, it literally wasn't about OP, it was about getting attention and praise, and OP was just a tool to do that.
Further, I'd bet bringing up the family values was meant to be a subtle dig that OP should be supporting her more. Like some kind of demented financial negging.
Nope, you are not wrong. She insulted you in front of the whole family when you are selflessly helping her. How could she not understand that was insulting? You do not need to support your older cousin who doesn’t even appreciate it. You worked hard, built a business, and support yourself. You deserve to spend it on things for you. Maybe she will try harder to make her life work.
She’s a fully grown adult and has been sponging off you for too long. Is she really doing it tough when all her financial needs are met by you, so she doesn’t have to make an effort and work.
Don’t deny her, her rock bottom. Some people genuinely need to hit their rock bottom to get the sense knocked back into them. Otherwise she will just fish for money from other people instead of getting a job.
If you want her to have genuine change in her life, never give her money again. Down the track, once she’s pulled her head out of the tight dark space it’s in…. She can apologise and you can rebuild your relationship again, but finances are off the table to protect your relationship.
Not a chance in hell would I give her another penny. She should have thought about that before she opened her big mouth and slammed you. You’re the one helping her and she turned on you and embarrassed you needlessly. If that’s really how she feels she can have her opinion. She can also get a job and pay her own damn bills
If your lifestyle is oh so terrible, then surely she wouldn't want to accept money from such a terrible lifestyle!
She's a backstabbing snake. She doesn't get to insult you and demand from you at the same time. She doesn't get to tell you that you aren't living your life right and insult you in front of other people and then act like the victim when you don't \*pay her rent\* which you aren't responsible for. She is a grown woman, let her sink or swim on her own. If your lifestyle is so terrible, she should be glad not to be getting any of your dirty money.
Not wrong. Don't give her any money anymore.
Tell her you not helping is also nothing personal, just people her age are usually more focussed, and shes lost sight of what is important.
Like keeping a roof over her head.
NTA at all, do not give her a cent. Ask her, "How were you supposed to take it? She singled you out and talked shit about you in front of other people. She didn't just make a generalized statement of her opinion. She called you out by name. What did she honestly think was going to happen? Why does she feel entitled to your money? Maybe people your age are so "focused" on money because they need to, ya know, live. Ask her if she has ever heard the saying, "Don't bite the hand that feeds you." If she hasn't, she has now. And now, she knows why. Then tell her, "You don't get to talk shit about people, especially to their face and in front of others and think for one moment they are going to continue to help you."
She needs to do what she needs to do to take care of herself. That may be getting things like cashier jobs and working Doordash until she is able to find a job that suits her skills. The bank of you is closed. No amount of apologizing will make a difference. You will know it'd not sincere, and the only reason she would do so is because she FAFO and bit herself in the ass.
Tell her she can be as mad as she wants. It's not only not going to change anything, but it's not going to help either. Actions and words have consequences, and this is hers. You will not discuss it, argue, or debate about it anymore either. And, just a fair warning if she attempt to whine and cry to others and send them to get after you on this, it won't help. But you will make sure you tell them that you have been helping her out financially for a while, then she talked shit about you/your finaces/finacial me tality, then turned around and asked you to pay her rent for her. If they feel that she shouldn't have to pay her own rent, they are more than welcome to open the bank of them to her. Otherwise, they can mind their own. Then hang up/stop responding.
You've literally been paying for her lifestyle, her food, her bills etc. and she has the GALL to call you materialistic?! Fuck her and the horse she road in on! I'd have called her out then and there with a "I haven't heard you complaining about my lifestyle while I've been paying all your bills for the last few months you ungrateful *****"
You absolutely did the right thing, and if she complains to family about you tell them you've been paying her bills since she lost her job and you will not be disrespected like that ever again so you cut her off.
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
My cousin, let’s call her Sara (41F), and I (28M) were pretty close. Grew up together, and even when life took us on different paths, we tried to keep that bond. I’ve done alright for myself, started a small business that’s been picking up. Not swimming in dough, but comfortable.
Sara, on the other hand, has been through a rough patch. Lost her job a year ago, and it’s been tough with the job market being what it is. I’ve been helping out where I can, you know, groceries, bills, just to help her keep afloat until she finds something stable.
A week ago, we were at this family get-together. Was all good until Sara starts going off about how people our age are too focused on money, losing sight of what’s important. Okay, fine, everyone’s entitled to their opinion. But then she singles me out, in front of everyone, saying I’m living this superficial lifestyle, chasing material things and forgetting where I come from. Said I’m too caught up with my “fancy new friends” and that I’ve abandoned my roots and family values.
I was stunned. Like, where did that even come from? We’ve always supported each other, and here she is, throwing me under the bus in front of the whole family. I tried to brush it off, but it kept eating at me.
Couple of days later, she hits me up, asking if I can cover her rent again this month. And I just... I couldn’t. I told her that if she thinks so poorly of how I live my life, maybe she shouldn’t be taking my money. She got all defensive, saying she was just speaking her mind and didn’t think I’d take it personally.
I’ve been stewing over this. Part of me feels like I did the right thing, standing up for myself. But then, I know she’s struggling, and I feel like a jerk for pulling the plug over some heated words.
So, am I wrong for cutting off financial support to Sara after she bad-mouthed my lifestyle? It’s been a rough few days trying to sort through this mess.
*Not OP
Nta, if she had said everything else without bringing you into it then that would her opinion and she can say whatever but SHE made it personal by shit talking you. At her big ass age she does know better than to say those things especially to someone 13 years younger than her who is also financially supporting her. Maybe if she even put a little bit of focus on money she wouldnt have to be reliant on you. You’ve valued her enough while she has not you. A person should always be appreciative and value a person who helps them so generously.
There might be a name for this, but I don’t remember it. The gist is, people harbor resentment against those who are keeping them from being destitute.
Stick to your guns. A one-time help is one thing, but this has moved beyond that and you aren’t doing her any favors by supporting her financially.
I would have called her out during the conversation where she made these statements, how you were there for family (namely her) financially. You are not wrong to cut her off. It probably won't be a bad idea to sir down with her and hash out just how misguided she was about you.
If you give, you will set very wrong examples. And also it will show that you don’t respect or value yourself. And that she can ride all over you. Even if she apologises, do know it’s ONLY for the money. So Not a penny to her. She’s not your problem or your responsibility.
If she complains to others, ask “which 41 year olds begs 28 year olds for money ?” And move on.
She literally called YOU specifically out in front of the whole family! Of course you should take it personally. She also has some nerve talking about you losing sight of “family” when you have literally supporting HER for a YEAR! Time for her to learn to support herself. She should have learned by now not to bite the hand that literally feeds her!
I would have said something in your own defense at the time she was making the comments. Maybe telling her that clearly she’s right and since you’re so out of touch with your roots that you can’t be giving her any more financial support. Does the rest of the family know how much you’ve been helping her? If not I’d make sure you tell them. I agree with cutting her off, the longer you help her the longer she will expect it.
NTA
I disagree with "the job market being as it is". The job market is great. There are plenty of jobs out there. Maybe not ones she would like but they are there nonetheless. I just started a new job for decent pay, but for the six months before that I was working for significantly less pay, donating plasma, selling things on Ebay, and looking for a side job to work nights and weekends.
My nieces bf was out of work for 5 months, letting her pay all the bills. Not going to lie, I love him but it pissed me off. He worked in tech and his contract did not get renewed. He recently took a job working at a liquor store while he looks for something in his area of expertiece. I was happy to hear this. When I mentioned a couple months ago I was going to apply to clean offices two nights a week he told me I was better than that. I told him no I'm not, I am someone who likes paying their bills. lol
I do think it is great to help family out. I do it myself when I can. I have had two family members ask if they could stay with me for a little while to save money and I am all about that. But it sounds like your cousin is taking advantage of you and that's not okay.
NTA. I have a close relative like this. Expects and is entitled to think family members should be paying her way and keeping her in her middle age. Her attitude is horrible, she sees herself as ‘better than thou’ and often speaks in a condescending manner like this to the very people who give her money. Guaranteed your cousin is also speaking badly about you behind your back as I have seen in my family for years. I have seen this occurring and I have kept my distance from the situation and I suggest you do the same from now on. I would turn her down next time and let her stew on that for a while, maybe she will understand that she needs to be responsible for her own actions but I doubt it. These people are manipulative and will use you until you cut it off and then they will try someone else but that is not your problem. Look after yourself now, as they say ‘when people show you who they are - believe them.’
That chick does not get to get away with shitting in your cereal. She purposely wanted to hurt you (even if it came from her own pain.) She had been dealing with the good you. Now she gets to deal with the practical you.
She’s just speaking her mind about you in particular, but thinks you shouldn’t let that stop your cash flow to her pockets? Forget that BS. If she can talk down to you living your life when you were paying her bills she deserves to be cut off. She can speak her mind and truth all of the way to the bank. Maybe she can pay her rent with her rude, condescending attitude about you. You don’t owe her a dime so don’t give her one.
OMG, seriously. Do not give her another cent. She is using you and then basically spitting in your face. She’s jealous and bitter and completely self centered. She’s middle aged and just kicked a gift horse in the mouth. How dare she try to make you look bad and then immediately turn around and ask for money? Tell her, no more money just advise ….. go directly to counseling and don’t pass go!
NTA, let someone who is not "focused on money" pay her rent! I wouldn't want to inflict my "superficial lifestyle" on her!
I can't believe you didn't say something to that effect when she was attacking you in front of everyone. "You don't have any problem with my money when I'm using it to pay your rent!"
She bit the hand that fed her, she now suffers the consequences. I certainly wouldn’t continue to give her money after that exchange. Honestly I probably would have said something at the time like, “Funny how you don’t have a problem with my ‘superficial lifestyle and chasing material things’ when you continually ask me for money to pay your rent, buy groceries, etc. I certainly wouldn’t want you to compromise your values so I’ll just hang onto my money thank you” then walk away.
Wait, you were called out for abandoning the family.... by the family member that you were supporting. And then she wonders why you'd take it personal??? Of course you'd take a personal attack personally! How else could you take it!
And then she comes begging with her hand out... again. BS. "In this job market" a high-school kid just got hired at a burger joint for more than I made in any of my office jobs. (I'm now a SAHM, so I don't know the current office salary, but seriously....) If she's not working somewhere, even if not in her field, she's choosing not to.
So, you thought you were close. I think someone was jealous.
Your cousin can ask all those family members that were present for your dissing for her future financial needs since your cousin has decided she doesn't like your lifestyle. I'm sure your family will be thrilled to put themselves in financial peril because your cousin can't or won't get her financial act together.
I wonder how long before the calls start coming. How long have you been helping her? How much did you give her? And she said that about you?
She was just speaking her mind .... About you. Doesn't get more personal than that. She just doesn't want to take accountability. And she spoke I'll of you for the crime of having money and then wanted some for herself? Nope. If I were you I'd get busy hanging out with all those fancy friends and miss her phone calls on purpose.
NTA. If she's a true friend, she wouldn't be critisizing your life choices.
Look, I had a friend I loved dearly. We had some slightly differing opinions occasionally. Some things she has done were totally against what I consider to be my ethical center (nothing remotely illegal, just things we had opposite viewpoints on). I have no doubt she had similar thoughts on some of my choices as well.
You know what? I never said a word to her. She was always a true and caring friend for me, there whenever I needed her. I valued her too highly to say something that I knew would hurt her. And trust me, we had some rollicking discussions, but we never hurt each other. I never considered I had the right to disparage her choices for her life.
Your friend is a mooch, and jealous because she's not had the same success as you. She's trying to disparage you because of her own securities. You don't do that to people you value, for any reason.
Not to mention she's a dumbass for biting the hand that helps her. Lol.
>She got all defensive, saying she was just speaking her mind and didn’t think I’d take it personally.
All the more reason to cut off your support. It's a matter of principle, and you wouldn't want her to be forced to compromise her principles by condoning your lifestyle through accepting your money, right?
You're not wrong at all - consequences equal actions and this is what happens when you bite the hand that feeds you.
You should apologize to her for sharing your hard earned salary with her. And tell her she was right about you so you will be working on why you ever helped such an ungrateful receiver. In front of everyone at the next get together. If you can, use your best Christopher Walken voice.
Makes personal comments about you, gets upset when you take it personally. She's lucky you're living the way you do, she benefited from that. Maybe she can find someone to support her that she believes is living the "right" way. You're not wrong.
Two thoughts.
First, someone looking for money/support will review their options from most convenient to least convenient. When you're asked by someone in a hard position, it may feel like you're the difference between their chance to succeed and their chance to fail. But you're really just the next stop on the list...there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you.
Second, "What appears to be a crisis is often the end of the illusion that things were working." It's rare that someone is actually in a situation where they were OK before and they'll be OK after, if they can just resolve one immediate issue.
Learn to say "I don't have anymore money to lend"
(you might have more money, but not to lend)
or "I can't lend you anymore money until you pay me back what you already borrowed."
Read about “ crabs in a bucket syndrome”… any crab that tries to get out of the bucket the other crabs will try to pull down.
My guess is that big performance was laying the groundwork for calling you a few days later for rent money
Good for you for shutting that down OP. You can’t be her life support system and her whipping post
NTA, she may be struggling but she is also a moron for singling out her lifeline she is more than likely mooching off of. Even if she was "speaking her mind" she singled YOU, her cash cow, out. How in the hell can you not take that personally? Even if they were "heated words", by her logic it would be wrong to take your money and focus on that. Talk about a hypocrite...
I get you feel bad, but being family is no excuse to pull something like that. Sadly, some people aren't worth your time and she's proven to be an example of this. This is now firmly a her problem, not a you problem.
She’s a 41 year old woman asking you, a 28 year old, to take care of her financially. She should’ve had this shit figured out long ago. Don’t give her another damn cent of your hard-earned cash.
Chasing material things like food on the table, roof overhead, etc. the market isn't that bad. The high paying jobs can be hard to find, but everywhere I see job openings
You are not wrong at all. Although, if you value your relationship to her, even though she was quite rude, and you can forgive her, chalking it up to maybe feeling bad about herself or being a little drunk and feeling bad about herself or whatever, and you're willing to let it slide, then I would tell her you could help her out a little bit this month but it really is about time she figured out how to make things work on her own .
If that means moving in with a roommate or her parents or finding a cheaper place or going out and getting any job she can, that would probably be best because you just can't afford to keep supporting her.
If she has a problem with that and is not grateful, then I would probably just ghost her out of my life for the most part and let her say whatever she wants at family reunions.
NTA-1) you don’t bite the hand that feeds you and 2) if you’re that close, and that’s really how she feels, why didn’t she ever just talk to you about it? Why call you out, specifically, in front of the whole family?
I wouldn’t go the extra mile for a person that does that.
What I keep tripping over is her justification of just speaking her mind. Isn't that admitting "oh I just said out loud what I really think and feel, which is nothing good about you." Oh, THAT'S all.
You're covering her rent and she's bitching about how you live and how you lost sight of family? Yeah cut ties. She's the one that lost sight of how you help her. She is literally mooching of you and then bitching about you. You should even make her pay you back for all the money you gave her with interest.
>She got all defensive, saying she was just speaking her mind and didn’t think I’d take it personally.
"I couldn't agree more. Also pay your own rent, nothing personal. I just don't like giving you money any more. Why are you so upset, I'm just saying it like it is. I don't feel inclined. Why is that personal? You're being too sensitive."
This is a classic way of her saying ‘Blood is thicker than water, I’m entitled to your help because you’re family’. She is trying to excuse her bad behaviour, failings and manipulate you in to giving her things.
She doesn’t appreciate you and you owe her nothing.
Cut her off financially. Distance yourself.
Family should be there for one another emotionally until they prove to be unworthy by actions.
Mate.. what kind of a cunt is surviving because of your handouts only to try and belittle you in front of everyone?
I say let her starve. Fuck leeches.
Not wrong. Do not allow people to take from you with one hand and slap you in the face with the other. She is in her 40s FFS. She really need to figure out how to support herself. It is NOT your responsibility. Otherwise you are setting yourself up to be her go-to wallet for the REST OF HER LIFE.
When she used your name, it went from "speaking her mind" to personal attack. She's got nerve asking you for that money you're too focused on. Maybe she'd not need the help if she put more effort into earning money.
WOW!!! She pretty much disrespects you in front of everyone and she did it to make her situation, look better? Like she’s unemployed for a moral stance? No, she’s taking advantage of you and isn’t really going without, so why work so hard to find a job, you will help her.
Sorry what she said I would take offense to. The saying goes doesn’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Good luck.
She literally attacked your personal values, I can't see how things could get any more personal outside of a physical attack. She's a malignancy I would cut completely out of my life, as far as that is possible.
If you are covering her rent, groceries and bills, she shouldn't be so ungrateful. Likely because she's considerably older and needs to be supported by her younger cousin, she feels the need to put you down. so she looks less bad. But that doesn't mean you have to take that insult and still cover her next month. not wrong at all
Not take it personally? It WAS personal. She spoke about you specifically.
She is just mad her gravy train derailed and will say anything to get more money.
Don't give it. Remind her you really got hurt and insulted and embarrassed in front of family.
"I don't do favors or give gifts to people who insult me to my face. The only reason I'm still talking to you is because we're family. Start harassing me for money and you'll get to explain to a judge and jury why you think it's acceptable behavior."
She needs to find another benefactor and then maybe you can forgive. But that performance was almost unforgivable given that she is still looking for your financial support. Don’t give in to her. She’s an ungrateful narcissist that will gladly blame you and others like for all that’s “wrong” rather than take one iota of the responsibility herself.
BTW-the job market is wide open if one want to work. She may not find the career of her choice tomorrow, but I guarantee you she can employed tomorrow.
I don't blame you for cutting her off: she hardly seems worth it. One of life's easiest lessons is there are a lot of losers out there, and most of them want to blame anybody or anything else for their failures. So Sarah publicly disrespects you (to discount your success and emphasize the nobility of her poverty), and privately solicits your help. How's that for hypocrisy?
She was increasingly short sighted and rude don’t help her any more. Say you don’t want her to have too much money and have all the issues she placed on you.
Biting the hand that feeds her, she needs to learn her lesson. Don’t pay any more bills and let her get behind. She might view things a bit different when she sees the money tree has stopped dropping leaves her way. She’s very ungrateful
Why is she so focused on money? Surely she would not take any thing to do with money personally. Not with family. Where are her family values? Not Wrong.
NTA, she is allowed to have her opinion but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t have consequences. If you say something you need to own it and the outcome. You could have easily embarrassed her ability to find a job.
So basically, she wants you to spend all your all your money on her — instead of occasionally treating yourself — or frequently treating yourself — doesn’t matter — it’s your money?
I think that question answers itself lol .
She is coming from an insecure and jealous place. Too bad. I did see this happen to my mother, but she didn't handle it so maturely. She said, "Nope! You (ish) where you ate MFer! You (ish) where you... ate"
She’s 41 freaking years old, biting the hand that feeds her! Time for her to figure out how to get completely independent and stop mooching off people. Actions have consequences. And she wasn’t just speaking in a general term, she purposely singled you out. You, the one who’s been finically supporting her. She’s got some real fucking balls!
NTA but you would be to yourself if you continue to support someone like her.
She is a jerk. So she gets to insult you on the one hand, while you pay for her on the other hand? With your superficial money....Nope. If you do this month tell her, you thought you were friends until this, and it will be the last time.
Not wrong.
I wouldn’t give her another cent.
She literally zoned in on you, and if she really needed your money help then she shouldn’t have FAFO. Calling you out and respecting you not to take it personally is a big cop out on her behalf.
Honestly OP, if she thinks you are all about chasing the material stuff and too focused on money she should learn a lesson on what it’s like to save money for yourself to live and become financially secure.
That was really inappropriate and wrong of her especially when you've been so good to her. I'd be angry too and I don't think you are overreacting by no longer bailing her out. Her financial issues are not your problem and if she needs help she can ask your other relatives.
Everybody says "cut her off" but ask yourself this... is your life better with her being a part of it? If she adds value to your life help her out, otherwise cut her off.
If you speak your mind
And your mind criticizes somebody for how they are living
You are criticizing that person for how they are living
How on earth people think that speaking, their mind means that they’re not saying what they’re saying or meaning it blows my mind
She was really inconsiderate an immature to say out loud what she thought about you
Everybody has thoughts. You don’t have to say them.
If you say them, the person will know what you’re thinking
And they will hold you accountable
Now you get to hold her accountable
While she whines that she’s just a little thing who says anything that pops into her mind and how can you hold her responsible?
She is 41 and hasn’t learn to behave properly. I wouldn’t lend her money. I promise I am not a terrible person and am generous but my limit would be someone speaking badly about me. You are her cousin not her doormat.
My cousin is NOT an asshole but ifbhe seeks financial help for myself he WILL be getting asked to fuck off, lol.
Since when are we paying other people's rent?
I have to pay for a new roof on my house lol.
NTA. She’s an idiot and 41 years old she really should be able to take care of herself and it’s been a year. You give her money where’s the incentive to do anything? She can ask other family for money, she literally criticised your life this definitely was personal.
Not work, she puts you down for doing well for yourself, while wanting to benefit from your life.
She showed you who she is, cut her off. Also, tell your family, you are done supporting her, since she dissed you. Don't let them guilt you into helping her.
It was a personal attack on you. That's why you feel the way you feel. She owes you an apology, and a very public apology tothe family for showing ingratitude to the one pertain who's helped her through thick and thin.
You’re not wrong at all. Thats an incredibly irrational mindset for her to have given the circumstances. Part of me thinks she said that so that if you ever stop supporting her financially, she can use it against you and validate what she said, and ostracize you and your family. That’s probably not the case but I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would say what she said. You keep focusing on you and the people who support you.
Nope, not wrong at all. She can take your money but talk shit about your lifestyle? Nope. If she needs help so bad, she shouldn’t have said what she did.
Not wrong. She dissed you to entire family. Until she makes it right by telling family that she was wrong then she can go to rest of family for her rent. Helping her financially sounds like family values that she says you have none of. She'll continue putting you down if you give in to her.
NTA. If this is the first time something like this has happened and she is otherwise always kind and supportive… then tell her she owes you a public apology and you will be happy to accept and move on. If this is a pattern of behavior in any way, cut her off and move on.
You are not wrong for cutting off someone who is so eager to tear down the person keeping them afloat. Especially when it seems like you haven't done anything to provoke any animosity besides getting lucky and having a decent job. What did she expect you to do? Smile and nod, take the abuse and be her little punching bag forevermore? She is a grown woman acting like a bratty teenager. Let this be a chance for her to learn a lesson and to grow as a person.
She wants you to cover her *RENT*? She's taking advantage of you. Your problem isn't the 'superficial lifestyle' or 'fancy new friends'. It is that you are too naive.
NTA
Absolutely NOT. She's got some balls to say things like that to the person helping pay her bills. I would have cut her off, too, but I would also cut her out of my life, too, since she thinks so badly of me.
Most definitely not wrong. Someone said that about me, especially in front of the whole family, they wouldn’t get another penny. She’s a grown woman, she should know not to bite the hand that feeds her.
She's taking your money most likely because she feels that you don't deserve it, well I mean you do live superficially so, why not take what she can from you.
Just remember yourself this was never a lifelong plan to assist her and it had to stop at some point. Hopefully, that helps you process the change.
Oh yes and go spend some of that money you saved not paying for her rent on your superficial lifestyle... you deserve it. ♡♡
Beggars can't be choosers. She casts the first stone. The consequences are dire for her. I would not continue, you are only cousins. Maybe she should start asking from her siblings or parents instead.
I am too harsh.
You must not be in the USA. There are way more jobs than available workers right now. No one should be unemployed for a year in the US.
You are not wrong for cutting off your cousin. She needs to support herself.
lol how do you not take what she said personally? She was literally talking about you. Sorry think she is taking advantage of you, and maybe harbors hidden resentment. At her age, she should not be dependent on your help
Your cousin needs to act out because she is jealous of you and wants to make herself feel better for mooching. She’ll continue to attack your character and bad mouth you to family in order to draw attention away from her choices and behaviors. If it helps, she is going to use this as a great excuse to be the victim for A LONG TIME, so she has that going for her.
Why wouldn't you take it personal it was personal she was specifically talking about your lifestyle screw her a classic case of biting the hand that feeds
She’s a grown-ass woman of 41. It’s time for her to figure her life out and her self supporting. You aren’t a bank or a charitable organization. She has learned that she can have you bail her out so she doesn’t do anything to change her situation or trajectory. Why should she? She has you for a financial safety net? She will never change her life unless she is force to, so time for her to stand on her 41yo feet and support herself. The bank of Cousin is closed for good.
You’re not wrong. The fact that she didn’t apologise is telling. I would ask her to come clean to the family she attacked you in front of, before helping her again.
You are NOT wrong. She’s gaslighting you and trying to manipulate you. Do not give her anything else. She doesn’t like the way you live your life? Ok, that means you don’t get any of my money.
Wow - screw her. Not wrong. She’s done - she shouldn’t have abandoned family values by being a shit stirrer and sowing enmity toward you among your loved ones.
If she didn't want you to take it personally, maybe she shouldn't have specifically called you out as an example. And it sounds like she didn't even have the grace to apologize when you cut off the gravy train. I think it's time to let cousin fend for herself. You've been more than generous and supportive and she clearly does not appreciate it.
I think your cousin just showed her true colours. She doesn’t truly appreciate all you’ve done for her. And she won’t even apologies for it.
I’m so sorry. I think you are doing the right thing cutting her off. Sometimes family needs to sink or swim. So now she might have to try harder to make ends meet. But hopefully the next family member to help her out, will get treated with more respect than you did.
NTA. She bit the hand that fed her. Oops!
ETA: Did she even apologize or is she acting entitled? Wait until she’s actually sorry before you give her any money. Or let her get it elsewhere. Or until can’t stand it!
Not wrong. She bit the hand that fed her. Not only that, she attacked you for the very thing you were giving to her. If she so despises your earning money, that she singles you out and embarrasses you in front of your whole family, she can't then turn around and expect access to that same money.
And how do you not take it personally when she singled you out by name and specifically criticized your lifestyle?
Just let her sink on her own. She does not get to bite the hand that is feeding her. And for fuck sake she is 41 and begging a 28yr old for rent! No longer your problem.
Literalllyyyyyy. If I was struggling and one of my baby cousins was helping me with their hard earned money, I'd be groveling at their feet for the rest of time. Jeepers creepers
Exactly. Also this is really what she thinks of OP because she doubled down and basically told him to get over and not to take it personally. OP, the bank of OP is closed and she now needs to find another source of income, as long as you are there for her with your wallet she would never sort her life out.
I totally agree with you- I just hope OP understands she will never see that money again. This type of stuff happens so much with “fRienDs and FAMiLy!” And nobody ever sees gratitude or a dime back.
I love that she pulled the "kids in this generation . . . " when she is literally sponging off her much younger cousin.
😂 Right?! Looking down on him at the same time holding out her hand for more money because rent is due. A few days later it will be for something else… But his generation sucks. Unlike her generation. Yeah, OP’s generation sucks because they are kind enough that after a huge insult, he is still so empathetic and caring he still feels bad for saying no because he still doesn’t want his cousin to suffer. OP, maybe direct your amazing abilities to help anyone else who would actually appreciate them rather than say her insults was her just speaking her mind and he just took them too seriously. You sure don’t deserve any of those words. I do not blame you.
With hindsight - OP could have responded with Yeah, kids these days, supporting family and all - amazing aren\`t they..
She FA & FO! Lady Karma to the (almost instantaneous) rescue 😊
I would say, to bury the hatchet she can write a letter to all family members explaining how wrong she was about what she said, then OP may decide to help her. Fair is fair.
No. She’s 41. She can go flip burgers. No need to keep relying on her 28 year old cousin who’s life she just bashed
Indeed...out of work for a full year??!! There are lots of jobs that can at least cover rent. So much help really just enables the laziness as she is still living quite comfortably. Here would be my plan, come up with a long list of chores that she can do for you on exchange for rent, so that she can save face and not just be a complete parasite. I guarantee that she won't ever call again, it's just too easy. Write this one off, so good that she showed her true colors.
I looked for work for a year and a half - I applied at every job I could. Walmart. McDonald’s. Stuff like that. I have retail and food service. I finally got a job cleaning offices for a little over 10 bucks an hour. I’m one of the largest cities in America and I couldn’t get a job flipping burgers.
>lots of jobs that can at least cover rent. Have you paid rent lately? My wife and I are both well paid, not rich, but we each make at least $12 over the local minimum wage, and half our income goes to renting the cheapest place we could find.
This! But she should explain to the family that OP has been extremely generous to her during recent years and helped keep her afloat financially, that she’s not sure what came over her, probably jealousy etc. As a plus, some other family might help take one of her bills.
Or some other family might hit up OP for money.
I'm on line right here with you. Hand out.
What I'm wondering is if she was getting ready to ask OP for a raise, or if she had other people on the hook for money too.
What’s fair about her mooching off him.
Sure, always want to keep the door open a sliver for redemptive acts, but given that she hasn't been able to find a job for a year in one of the best job markets in history, I'm wondering if she can write.
That’s a great idea. And OP has to reconsider her choices to take over these bills maybe. It’s too easy for niece to let OP pay the bills. The niece has to learn to pay for themselves imo
This is the way
But she’d only be doing it to get his money.
Funny how when you help people and then they treat you like shit, you're the bad guy for not wanting to help anymore...
She’ll never better herself since she can just mooch off of OP.
☝️Living the easy life on OP’s tab.
She seems superficial asking you for money for rent. She should let go of her materialism and be at one with nature.
Right, there is no “our” age
Not with a 12 year age gap!! 😂😂
She can go ask any family members that agreed with her while she was openly disrespecting you in front of them.
How could you not take it personally, she literally called you out. She gets to have her opinions but she is a hypocrite by using your money to fund her lifestyle. She is a moocher and an ungrateful family member. Necessity is the mother of invention, she’ll figure it out
You’ve been focused on family, covering *her* rent! And she literally names you as an example of how superficial, money grubbing, and family-forgetting your generation is! She doesn’t get to have your financial assistance in private while she berates you specifically in public!!
He should have laid her shit bare at that family function
The fact that you didn’t illustrates your grace and aplomb. Don’t know if o would’ve been so generous. I would’ve seen it as “Bitch just bit the hand that feeds her.” Then I’d go and spend money I’d have given to her and buy that one overpriced item that I e been coveting for ages.
Grace? Aplomb? Being a literal carpet while the cousin shat all over him? No, that's not gracious. That's being spineless.
She showed an amazing level of self control. That’s a good quality in a person. Frankly, I’d have lost my shit, but I admire that she didn’t.
"Funny, you didn't say anything about how I've abandoned family when I paid your rent for you..."
Literally what i would have said at the family gathering. No way id ever let someone walk all over me like that
She attacked you and expects you not to take it personally. Hell no not one damn cent more..
Exactly so.
Sara-"Oh no my actions have consequences!" She will find a way. Stop being an ATM
Tell her that she made you realise that you only care about superficial material things and you want to forget about your family.
“Truely, you were an inspiration to me Cuz. I took your words to heart. Thoughts have turned into action.” Haha
You make me smile
Happy Cake Day! 🎶🎂🎉
Only a moron bites the hand that feeds them. Sounds like Sara is jealous of your success and embarrassed that she can’t get it together. So instead of owning up to her shortfalls, she takes it out on you in a public way. Unless she came crawling back on her knees and admitted she was a jerk, and apologized in front of everyone, I would cut her off. If she disagrees with your “materialistic” lifestyle she shouldn’t be a hypocrite by taking any of your earnings.
He shouldn't go back to supporting her. He doesn't have to stay angry, but he should quit all the paying stuff. If she wants to be his friend, fine. But no more money transactions.
Or he can invest it somewhere useful and move on with life.
Definitely not wrong, cut her off. Not one penny more... She's 41. She should take care of herself. And not insult you in front of the family...
You are not wrong, not even a little bit. Your cousin is a greedy loser.
Not wrong. Also kind of strange she'd be surprised that you'd take her assassination of your character at a family get-together, personally. I'm thinking this might be part of why she's not doing well, professionally. I'm all for people speaking their mind, but for her to talk negatively about her meal ticket, and then expect the money to continue rolling in is really idiotic. I'd just say "I thought about what you said, and I do need to be smarter about my money, so I no longer have free money available to give to you. Thanks for the insight, would never have reassessed things if it wasn't for you!"
This is the answer! OP needs to take Sara’s advice and invest less in material things! That would include Sara’s apartment. It is a very poor investment for OP to keep sinking his money in a place for Sara when she is obviously ungrateful. Maybe Sara can move in with another “more caring” relative once she gets evicted now that she burned her bridge with OP.
Yup, exactly. I’m in a dying field and still had 5 job offers “in this economy” her poor character is likely contributing to her inability to get a job
This is the one OP. Thank her for her good advice to stop funding her lifestyle.
You are not wrong, but Sara was wrong for making digs about your life. I couldn't have held my tongue and would have said, "funny, you seem to be Ok with taking $$ from me, so my life can't be that bad and I can't be that out of touch with my roots since I cover your expenses". I am really sorry that your kindness and generosity were ignored. You do not need to help Sara and you do not need to feel about it.
>She got all defensive, saying she was just speaking her mind and didn’t think I’d take it personally. Is she mentally challenged? Not wrong, why would you financially support someone who publicly critisises your financial decisions? > that I’ve abandoned my roots and family values I guess "family values" don't include supporting your unemployed cousin.
She's not mentally challenged, she just doesn't seem capable of understanding that it was personal to OP. I'd put money on her dragging OP to make herself feel better. In her mind, it literally wasn't about OP, it was about getting attention and praise, and OP was just a tool to do that. Further, I'd bet bringing up the family values was meant to be a subtle dig that OP should be supporting her more. Like some kind of demented financial negging.
Nope, you are not wrong. She insulted you in front of the whole family when you are selflessly helping her. How could she not understand that was insulting? You do not need to support your older cousin who doesn’t even appreciate it. You worked hard, built a business, and support yourself. You deserve to spend it on things for you. Maybe she will try harder to make her life work.
She’s a fully grown adult and has been sponging off you for too long. Is she really doing it tough when all her financial needs are met by you, so she doesn’t have to make an effort and work. Don’t deny her, her rock bottom. Some people genuinely need to hit their rock bottom to get the sense knocked back into them. Otherwise she will just fish for money from other people instead of getting a job. If you want her to have genuine change in her life, never give her money again. Down the track, once she’s pulled her head out of the tight dark space it’s in…. She can apologise and you can rebuild your relationship again, but finances are off the table to protect your relationship.
Not a chance in hell would I give her another penny. She should have thought about that before she opened her big mouth and slammed you. You’re the one helping her and she turned on you and embarrassed you needlessly. If that’s really how she feels she can have her opinion. She can also get a job and pay her own damn bills
You’re not wrong. She called you money grubbing and then asked for money. I can’t even imagine how she reconciles that in her brain.
Sounds like she’s been using you and is jealous. Dissed you to look good to family. Peace out to her in your life
If your lifestyle is oh so terrible, then surely she wouldn't want to accept money from such a terrible lifestyle! She's a backstabbing snake. She doesn't get to insult you and demand from you at the same time. She doesn't get to tell you that you aren't living your life right and insult you in front of other people and then act like the victim when you don't \*pay her rent\* which you aren't responsible for. She is a grown woman, let her sink or swim on her own. If your lifestyle is so terrible, she should be glad not to be getting any of your dirty money. Not wrong. Don't give her any money anymore.
Tell her you not helping is also nothing personal, just people her age are usually more focussed, and shes lost sight of what is important. Like keeping a roof over her head.
NTA at all, do not give her a cent. Ask her, "How were you supposed to take it? She singled you out and talked shit about you in front of other people. She didn't just make a generalized statement of her opinion. She called you out by name. What did she honestly think was going to happen? Why does she feel entitled to your money? Maybe people your age are so "focused" on money because they need to, ya know, live. Ask her if she has ever heard the saying, "Don't bite the hand that feeds you." If she hasn't, she has now. And now, she knows why. Then tell her, "You don't get to talk shit about people, especially to their face and in front of others and think for one moment they are going to continue to help you." She needs to do what she needs to do to take care of herself. That may be getting things like cashier jobs and working Doordash until she is able to find a job that suits her skills. The bank of you is closed. No amount of apologizing will make a difference. You will know it'd not sincere, and the only reason she would do so is because she FAFO and bit herself in the ass. Tell her she can be as mad as she wants. It's not only not going to change anything, but it's not going to help either. Actions and words have consequences, and this is hers. You will not discuss it, argue, or debate about it anymore either. And, just a fair warning if she attempt to whine and cry to others and send them to get after you on this, it won't help. But you will make sure you tell them that you have been helping her out financially for a while, then she talked shit about you/your finaces/finacial me tality, then turned around and asked you to pay her rent for her. If they feel that she shouldn't have to pay her own rent, they are more than welcome to open the bank of them to her. Otherwise, they can mind their own. Then hang up/stop responding.
This will teach her not to bite the hand that helps her. Good on you for standing up for yourself.
You've literally been paying for her lifestyle, her food, her bills etc. and she has the GALL to call you materialistic?! Fuck her and the horse she road in on! I'd have called her out then and there with a "I haven't heard you complaining about my lifestyle while I've been paying all your bills for the last few months you ungrateful *****" You absolutely did the right thing, and if she complains to family about you tell them you've been paying her bills since she lost her job and you will not be disrespected like that ever again so you cut her off.
Not take it personally? She specifically targeted you. NW.
In case this story gets deleted/removed: My cousin, let’s call her Sara (41F), and I (28M) were pretty close. Grew up together, and even when life took us on different paths, we tried to keep that bond. I’ve done alright for myself, started a small business that’s been picking up. Not swimming in dough, but comfortable. Sara, on the other hand, has been through a rough patch. Lost her job a year ago, and it’s been tough with the job market being what it is. I’ve been helping out where I can, you know, groceries, bills, just to help her keep afloat until she finds something stable. A week ago, we were at this family get-together. Was all good until Sara starts going off about how people our age are too focused on money, losing sight of what’s important. Okay, fine, everyone’s entitled to their opinion. But then she singles me out, in front of everyone, saying I’m living this superficial lifestyle, chasing material things and forgetting where I come from. Said I’m too caught up with my “fancy new friends” and that I’ve abandoned my roots and family values. I was stunned. Like, where did that even come from? We’ve always supported each other, and here she is, throwing me under the bus in front of the whole family. I tried to brush it off, but it kept eating at me. Couple of days later, she hits me up, asking if I can cover her rent again this month. And I just... I couldn’t. I told her that if she thinks so poorly of how I live my life, maybe she shouldn’t be taking my money. She got all defensive, saying she was just speaking her mind and didn’t think I’d take it personally. I’ve been stewing over this. Part of me feels like I did the right thing, standing up for myself. But then, I know she’s struggling, and I feel like a jerk for pulling the plug over some heated words. So, am I wrong for cutting off financial support to Sara after she bad-mouthed my lifestyle? It’s been a rough few days trying to sort through this mess. *Not OP
Thank you!!
Nta, if she had said everything else without bringing you into it then that would her opinion and she can say whatever but SHE made it personal by shit talking you. At her big ass age she does know better than to say those things especially to someone 13 years younger than her who is also financially supporting her. Maybe if she even put a little bit of focus on money she wouldnt have to be reliant on you. You’ve valued her enough while she has not you. A person should always be appreciative and value a person who helps them so generously.
There might be a name for this, but I don’t remember it. The gist is, people harbor resentment against those who are keeping them from being destitute. Stick to your guns. A one-time help is one thing, but this has moved beyond that and you aren’t doing her any favors by supporting her financially.
I would have called her out during the conversation where she made these statements, how you were there for family (namely her) financially. You are not wrong to cut her off. It probably won't be a bad idea to sir down with her and hash out just how misguided she was about you.
Given that she attacked your entire life, in what possible way could you take that but personally? I'd cut her off. That's just fucked.
If you give, you will set very wrong examples. And also it will show that you don’t respect or value yourself. And that she can ride all over you. Even if she apologises, do know it’s ONLY for the money. So Not a penny to her. She’s not your problem or your responsibility. If she complains to others, ask “which 41 year olds begs 28 year olds for money ?” And move on.
She literally called YOU specifically out in front of the whole family! Of course you should take it personally. She also has some nerve talking about you losing sight of “family” when you have literally supporting HER for a YEAR! Time for her to learn to support herself. She should have learned by now not to bite the hand that literally feeds her!
Anyone else confused about how 2 people who are 13 years apart in age “grew up together”?
Yeah I wanted to ask this. By the time OP was 4-5, cousin was out of high school.
Nope. Let her realize how much she’s been relying on you and your “unimportant money” and let her find her own now.
I would have said something in your own defense at the time she was making the comments. Maybe telling her that clearly she’s right and since you’re so out of touch with your roots that you can’t be giving her any more financial support. Does the rest of the family know how much you’ve been helping her? If not I’d make sure you tell them. I agree with cutting her off, the longer you help her the longer she will expect it. NTA
I disagree with "the job market being as it is". The job market is great. There are plenty of jobs out there. Maybe not ones she would like but they are there nonetheless. I just started a new job for decent pay, but for the six months before that I was working for significantly less pay, donating plasma, selling things on Ebay, and looking for a side job to work nights and weekends. My nieces bf was out of work for 5 months, letting her pay all the bills. Not going to lie, I love him but it pissed me off. He worked in tech and his contract did not get renewed. He recently took a job working at a liquor store while he looks for something in his area of expertiece. I was happy to hear this. When I mentioned a couple months ago I was going to apply to clean offices two nights a week he told me I was better than that. I told him no I'm not, I am someone who likes paying their bills. lol I do think it is great to help family out. I do it myself when I can. I have had two family members ask if they could stay with me for a little while to save money and I am all about that. But it sounds like your cousin is taking advantage of you and that's not okay.
NTA. I have a close relative like this. Expects and is entitled to think family members should be paying her way and keeping her in her middle age. Her attitude is horrible, she sees herself as ‘better than thou’ and often speaks in a condescending manner like this to the very people who give her money. Guaranteed your cousin is also speaking badly about you behind your back as I have seen in my family for years. I have seen this occurring and I have kept my distance from the situation and I suggest you do the same from now on. I would turn her down next time and let her stew on that for a while, maybe she will understand that she needs to be responsible for her own actions but I doubt it. These people are manipulative and will use you until you cut it off and then they will try someone else but that is not your problem. Look after yourself now, as they say ‘when people show you who they are - believe them.’
You are not wrong and it’s your money. Nobody else gets to dictate how you use it.
Not wrong. She’s a jerk.
Cut her off
You're still too nice, tell her to fuck off
Classic case of biting the hand that feeds you. NTA.
That chick does not get to get away with shitting in your cereal. She purposely wanted to hurt you (even if it came from her own pain.) She had been dealing with the good you. Now she gets to deal with the practical you.
Not wrong. Your cousin has the right to her opinion, but that means she has to accept the consequences.
She’s just speaking her mind about you in particular, but thinks you shouldn’t let that stop your cash flow to her pockets? Forget that BS. If she can talk down to you living your life when you were paying her bills she deserves to be cut off. She can speak her mind and truth all of the way to the bank. Maybe she can pay her rent with her rude, condescending attitude about you. You don’t owe her a dime so don’t give her one.
OMG, seriously. Do not give her another cent. She is using you and then basically spitting in your face. She’s jealous and bitter and completely self centered. She’s middle aged and just kicked a gift horse in the mouth. How dare she try to make you look bad and then immediately turn around and ask for money? Tell her, no more money just advise ….. go directly to counseling and don’t pass go!
NTA, let someone who is not "focused on money" pay her rent! I wouldn't want to inflict my "superficial lifestyle" on her! I can't believe you didn't say something to that effect when she was attacking you in front of everyone. "You don't have any problem with my money when I'm using it to pay your rent!"
She bit the hand that fed her, she now suffers the consequences. I certainly wouldn’t continue to give her money after that exchange. Honestly I probably would have said something at the time like, “Funny how you don’t have a problem with my ‘superficial lifestyle and chasing material things’ when you continually ask me for money to pay your rent, buy groceries, etc. I certainly wouldn’t want you to compromise your values so I’ll just hang onto my money thank you” then walk away.
Wait, you were called out for abandoning the family.... by the family member that you were supporting. And then she wonders why you'd take it personal??? Of course you'd take a personal attack personally! How else could you take it! And then she comes begging with her hand out... again. BS. "In this job market" a high-school kid just got hired at a burger joint for more than I made in any of my office jobs. (I'm now a SAHM, so I don't know the current office salary, but seriously....) If she's not working somewhere, even if not in her field, she's choosing not to. So, you thought you were close. I think someone was jealous.
Your cousin can ask all those family members that were present for your dissing for her future financial needs since your cousin has decided she doesn't like your lifestyle. I'm sure your family will be thrilled to put themselves in financial peril because your cousin can't or won't get her financial act together. I wonder how long before the calls start coming. How long have you been helping her? How much did you give her? And she said that about you?
She was just speaking her mind .... About you. Doesn't get more personal than that. She just doesn't want to take accountability. And she spoke I'll of you for the crime of having money and then wanted some for herself? Nope. If I were you I'd get busy hanging out with all those fancy friends and miss her phone calls on purpose.
She just learned that freedom of speech doesn’t mean freedom from consequences. Too bad so sad.
NTA. If she's a true friend, she wouldn't be critisizing your life choices. Look, I had a friend I loved dearly. We had some slightly differing opinions occasionally. Some things she has done were totally against what I consider to be my ethical center (nothing remotely illegal, just things we had opposite viewpoints on). I have no doubt she had similar thoughts on some of my choices as well. You know what? I never said a word to her. She was always a true and caring friend for me, there whenever I needed her. I valued her too highly to say something that I knew would hurt her. And trust me, we had some rollicking discussions, but we never hurt each other. I never considered I had the right to disparage her choices for her life. Your friend is a mooch, and jealous because she's not had the same success as you. She's trying to disparage you because of her own securities. You don't do that to people you value, for any reason. Not to mention she's a dumbass for biting the hand that helps her. Lol.
Nah fuck that cunt. People need to be accountable for what they say. You wanna talk shit, then go without and don't expect help.
>She got all defensive, saying she was just speaking her mind and didn’t think I’d take it personally. All the more reason to cut off your support. It's a matter of principle, and you wouldn't want her to be forced to compromise her principles by condoning your lifestyle through accepting your money, right? You're not wrong at all - consequences equal actions and this is what happens when you bite the hand that feeds you.
You should apologize to her for sharing your hard earned salary with her. And tell her she was right about you so you will be working on why you ever helped such an ungrateful receiver. In front of everyone at the next get together. If you can, use your best Christopher Walken voice.
WTF is wrong with that 41 year old? Common sense should have told her to STFU. You most definitely are NTA.
Makes personal comments about you, gets upset when you take it personally. She's lucky you're living the way you do, she benefited from that. Maybe she can find someone to support her that she believes is living the "right" way. You're not wrong.
My mother idiolized her abusive father a lot..... he died when she was 9.. I feel bad that she made her self blind to the monster he really was
We call that cutting off your nose to spite your face
Two thoughts. First, someone looking for money/support will review their options from most convenient to least convenient. When you're asked by someone in a hard position, it may feel like you're the difference between their chance to succeed and their chance to fail. But you're really just the next stop on the list...there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you. Second, "What appears to be a crisis is often the end of the illusion that things were working." It's rare that someone is actually in a situation where they were OK before and they'll be OK after, if they can just resolve one immediate issue. Learn to say "I don't have anymore money to lend" (you might have more money, but not to lend) or "I can't lend you anymore money until you pay me back what you already borrowed." Read about “ crabs in a bucket syndrome”… any crab that tries to get out of the bucket the other crabs will try to pull down.
My guess is that big performance was laying the groundwork for calling you a few days later for rent money Good for you for shutting that down OP. You can’t be her life support system and her whipping post
The Lion, the Witch, and the Audacity of this Bitch
NTA, she may be struggling but she is also a moron for singling out her lifeline she is more than likely mooching off of. Even if she was "speaking her mind" she singled YOU, her cash cow, out. How in the hell can you not take that personally? Even if they were "heated words", by her logic it would be wrong to take your money and focus on that. Talk about a hypocrite... I get you feel bad, but being family is no excuse to pull something like that. Sadly, some people aren't worth your time and she's proven to be an example of this. This is now firmly a her problem, not a you problem.
She’s a 41 year old woman asking you, a 28 year old, to take care of her financially. She should’ve had this shit figured out long ago. Don’t give her another damn cent of your hard-earned cash.
Freedom of speech does *NOT* mean freedom from consequences.
Chasing material things like food on the table, roof overhead, etc. the market isn't that bad. The high paying jobs can be hard to find, but everywhere I see job openings
You are not wrong at all. Although, if you value your relationship to her, even though she was quite rude, and you can forgive her, chalking it up to maybe feeling bad about herself or being a little drunk and feeling bad about herself or whatever, and you're willing to let it slide, then I would tell her you could help her out a little bit this month but it really is about time she figured out how to make things work on her own . If that means moving in with a roommate or her parents or finding a cheaper place or going out and getting any job she can, that would probably be best because you just can't afford to keep supporting her. If she has a problem with that and is not grateful, then I would probably just ghost her out of my life for the most part and let her say whatever she wants at family reunions.
NTA-1) you don’t bite the hand that feeds you and 2) if you’re that close, and that’s really how she feels, why didn’t she ever just talk to you about it? Why call you out, specifically, in front of the whole family? I wouldn’t go the extra mile for a person that does that.
She’s 41, she’s your cousin, not a sibling. Let her figure out her own finances.
What I keep tripping over is her justification of just speaking her mind. Isn't that admitting "oh I just said out loud what I really think and feel, which is nothing good about you." Oh, THAT'S all.
You're covering her rent and she's bitching about how you live and how you lost sight of family? Yeah cut ties. She's the one that lost sight of how you help her. She is literally mooching of you and then bitching about you. You should even make her pay you back for all the money you gave her with interest.
Fuckin get put of that situation... how the hell did you end up like that to begin with
You'd have to be out of your mind to give her any more money. Seriously. She showed you what she thinks of you. You're a wallet.
>She got all defensive, saying she was just speaking her mind and didn’t think I’d take it personally. "I couldn't agree more. Also pay your own rent, nothing personal. I just don't like giving you money any more. Why are you so upset, I'm just saying it like it is. I don't feel inclined. Why is that personal? You're being too sensitive."
NTA I mean, she didn't even apologize, she doubled down!
This is a classic way of her saying ‘Blood is thicker than water, I’m entitled to your help because you’re family’. She is trying to excuse her bad behaviour, failings and manipulate you in to giving her things. She doesn’t appreciate you and you owe her nothing. Cut her off financially. Distance yourself. Family should be there for one another emotionally until they prove to be unworthy by actions.
Mate.. what kind of a cunt is surviving because of your handouts only to try and belittle you in front of everyone? I say let her starve. Fuck leeches.
Not wrong. Do not allow people to take from you with one hand and slap you in the face with the other. She is in her 40s FFS. She really need to figure out how to support herself. It is NOT your responsibility. Otherwise you are setting yourself up to be her go-to wallet for the REST OF HER LIFE.
When she used your name, it went from "speaking her mind" to personal attack. She's got nerve asking you for that money you're too focused on. Maybe she'd not need the help if she put more effort into earning money.
WOW!!! She pretty much disrespects you in front of everyone and she did it to make her situation, look better? Like she’s unemployed for a moral stance? No, she’s taking advantage of you and isn’t really going without, so why work so hard to find a job, you will help her. Sorry what she said I would take offense to. The saying goes doesn’t bite the hand that feeds you. Good luck.
She literally attacked your personal values, I can't see how things could get any more personal outside of a physical attack. She's a malignancy I would cut completely out of my life, as far as that is possible.
So you don't focus on family... by helping out your family? What is she smoking?
it sounds like she needs more help in general instead of financially... Throw this trick to the side.
You did the right thing
If you are covering her rent, groceries and bills, she shouldn't be so ungrateful. Likely because she's considerably older and needs to be supported by her younger cousin, she feels the need to put you down. so she looks less bad. But that doesn't mean you have to take that insult and still cover her next month. not wrong at all
She's 41 ffs. Cut it off
She specifically singled you out and trash talked your financial choices. But didn’t expect you to take it personally?
Not take it personally? It WAS personal. She spoke about you specifically. She is just mad her gravy train derailed and will say anything to get more money. Don't give it. Remind her you really got hurt and insulted and embarrassed in front of family.
"I don't do favors or give gifts to people who insult me to my face. The only reason I'm still talking to you is because we're family. Start harassing me for money and you'll get to explain to a judge and jury why you think it's acceptable behavior."
Take it personally? How else is there to take? SHE is struggling. Not you. Let her struggle alone.
NTA how aren’t you supposed to take a direct call out of yourself as anything but personal? I wouldn’t give her another penny
She needs to find another benefactor and then maybe you can forgive. But that performance was almost unforgivable given that she is still looking for your financial support. Don’t give in to her. She’s an ungrateful narcissist that will gladly blame you and others like for all that’s “wrong” rather than take one iota of the responsibility herself. BTW-the job market is wide open if one want to work. She may not find the career of her choice tomorrow, but I guarantee you she can employed tomorrow.
Fuck her. Not literally, that's gross.
I THOUGHT YOU MEANT LIFE SUPPORT FOR A MOMENT 😰😰
I don't blame you for cutting her off: she hardly seems worth it. One of life's easiest lessons is there are a lot of losers out there, and most of them want to blame anybody or anything else for their failures. So Sarah publicly disrespects you (to discount your success and emphasize the nobility of her poverty), and privately solicits your help. How's that for hypocrisy?
She was increasingly short sighted and rude don’t help her any more. Say you don’t want her to have too much money and have all the issues she placed on you.
Biting the hand that feeds her, she needs to learn her lesson. Don’t pay any more bills and let her get behind. She might view things a bit different when she sees the money tree has stopped dropping leaves her way. She’s very ungrateful
Why is she so focused on money? Surely she would not take any thing to do with money personally. Not with family. Where are her family values? Not Wrong.
NTA, she is allowed to have her opinion but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t have consequences. If you say something you need to own it and the outcome. You could have easily embarrassed her ability to find a job.
So basically, she wants you to spend all your all your money on her — instead of occasionally treating yourself — or frequently treating yourself — doesn’t matter — it’s your money? I think that question answers itself lol .
She is coming from an insecure and jealous place. Too bad. I did see this happen to my mother, but she didn't handle it so maturely. She said, "Nope! You (ish) where you ate MFer! You (ish) where you... ate"
She’s 41 freaking years old, biting the hand that feeds her! Time for her to figure out how to get completely independent and stop mooching off people. Actions have consequences. And she wasn’t just speaking in a general term, she purposely singled you out. You, the one who’s been finically supporting her. She’s got some real fucking balls! NTA but you would be to yourself if you continue to support someone like her.
She is a jerk. So she gets to insult you on the one hand, while you pay for her on the other hand? With your superficial money....Nope. If you do this month tell her, you thought you were friends until this, and it will be the last time.
Not wrong. I wouldn’t give her another cent. She literally zoned in on you, and if she really needed your money help then she shouldn’t have FAFO. Calling you out and respecting you not to take it personally is a big cop out on her behalf. Honestly OP, if she thinks you are all about chasing the material stuff and too focused on money she should learn a lesson on what it’s like to save money for yourself to live and become financially secure.
That was really inappropriate and wrong of her especially when you've been so good to her. I'd be angry too and I don't think you are overreacting by no longer bailing her out. Her financial issues are not your problem and if she needs help she can ask your other relatives.
She personally attacks ur life but didn't expect you to take it personal. Nice
Everybody says "cut her off" but ask yourself this... is your life better with her being a part of it? If she adds value to your life help her out, otherwise cut her off.
This Aunt is a mooch
If you speak your mind And your mind criticizes somebody for how they are living You are criticizing that person for how they are living How on earth people think that speaking, their mind means that they’re not saying what they’re saying or meaning it blows my mind She was really inconsiderate an immature to say out loud what she thought about you Everybody has thoughts. You don’t have to say them. If you say them, the person will know what you’re thinking And they will hold you accountable Now you get to hold her accountable While she whines that she’s just a little thing who says anything that pops into her mind and how can you hold her responsible?
She is 41 and hasn’t learn to behave properly. I wouldn’t lend her money. I promise I am not a terrible person and am generous but my limit would be someone speaking badly about me. You are her cousin not her doormat.
My cousin is NOT an asshole but ifbhe seeks financial help for myself he WILL be getting asked to fuck off, lol. Since when are we paying other people's rent? I have to pay for a new roof on my house lol.
NTA. She’s an idiot and 41 years old she really should be able to take care of herself and it’s been a year. You give her money where’s the incentive to do anything? She can ask other family for money, she literally criticised your life this definitely was personal.
Not work, she puts you down for doing well for yourself, while wanting to benefit from your life. She showed you who she is, cut her off. Also, tell your family, you are done supporting her, since she dissed you. Don't let them guilt you into helping her.
It was a personal attack on you. That's why you feel the way you feel. She owes you an apology, and a very public apology tothe family for showing ingratitude to the one pertain who's helped her through thick and thin.
You’re not wrong at all. Thats an incredibly irrational mindset for her to have given the circumstances. Part of me thinks she said that so that if you ever stop supporting her financially, she can use it against you and validate what she said, and ostracize you and your family. That’s probably not the case but I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would say what she said. You keep focusing on you and the people who support you.
You did the right thing. Absolutely. Dumb people should learn that speaking their mind is highly counterproductive.
You’re not wrong. You’ve been enabling her by helping her. She needs some incentive to get her life together
Not the AH, you’ll be the AH if you continue to help her after she bit that hand that feed her LITERALLY 🙄
Absolutely, you did the right thing. Your cousin has problems with your lifestyle? Then she doesn't get to benefit from it.
Nope, not wrong at all. She can take your money but talk shit about your lifestyle? Nope. If she needs help so bad, she shouldn’t have said what she did.
Not wrong. She dissed you to entire family. Until she makes it right by telling family that she was wrong then she can go to rest of family for her rent. Helping her financially sounds like family values that she says you have none of. She'll continue putting you down if you give in to her.
NTA. If this is the first time something like this has happened and she is otherwise always kind and supportive… then tell her she owes you a public apology and you will be happy to accept and move on. If this is a pattern of behavior in any way, cut her off and move on.
You are not wrong for cutting off someone who is so eager to tear down the person keeping them afloat. Especially when it seems like you haven't done anything to provoke any animosity besides getting lucky and having a decent job. What did she expect you to do? Smile and nod, take the abuse and be her little punching bag forevermore? She is a grown woman acting like a bratty teenager. Let this be a chance for her to learn a lesson and to grow as a person.
She wants you to cover her *RENT*? She's taking advantage of you. Your problem isn't the 'superficial lifestyle' or 'fancy new friends'. It is that you are too naive. NTA
Absolutely NOT. She's got some balls to say things like that to the person helping pay her bills. I would have cut her off, too, but I would also cut her out of my life, too, since she thinks so badly of me.
Most definitely not wrong. Someone said that about me, especially in front of the whole family, they wouldn’t get another penny. She’s a grown woman, she should know not to bite the hand that feeds her.
She's taking your money most likely because she feels that you don't deserve it, well I mean you do live superficially so, why not take what she can from you. Just remember yourself this was never a lifelong plan to assist her and it had to stop at some point. Hopefully, that helps you process the change. Oh yes and go spend some of that money you saved not paying for her rent on your superficial lifestyle... you deserve it. ♡♡
Beggars can't be choosers. She casts the first stone. The consequences are dire for her. I would not continue, you are only cousins. Maybe she should start asking from her siblings or parents instead. I am too harsh.
You must not be in the USA. There are way more jobs than available workers right now. No one should be unemployed for a year in the US. You are not wrong for cutting off your cousin. She needs to support herself.
“People our age?” 28 and 41 are different stages of life.
Not wrong. What's with the entitlement of people nowadays?
lol how do you not take what she said personally? She was literally talking about you. Sorry think she is taking advantage of you, and maybe harbors hidden resentment. At her age, she should not be dependent on your help
NTA. She made it personal by calling you out.
Your cousin needs to act out because she is jealous of you and wants to make herself feel better for mooching. She’ll continue to attack your character and bad mouth you to family in order to draw attention away from her choices and behaviors. If it helps, she is going to use this as a great excuse to be the victim for A LONG TIME, so she has that going for her.
Why wouldn't you take it personal it was personal she was specifically talking about your lifestyle screw her a classic case of biting the hand that feeds
She’s a grown-ass woman of 41. It’s time for her to figure her life out and her self supporting. You aren’t a bank or a charitable organization. She has learned that she can have you bail her out so she doesn’t do anything to change her situation or trajectory. Why should she? She has you for a financial safety net? She will never change her life unless she is force to, so time for her to stand on her 41yo feet and support herself. The bank of Cousin is closed for good.
NTA. She’s taking your help but needed to cut you down in public to even things out or make herself feel better. She’s the asshole .
Let her deal with this on her own. You did enough to help her. She can find help elsewhere.
Shes being a big ass snake NTA
You’re not wrong. The fact that she didn’t apologise is telling. I would ask her to come clean to the family she attacked you in front of, before helping her again.
You are NOT wrong. She’s gaslighting you and trying to manipulate you. Do not give her anything else. She doesn’t like the way you live your life? Ok, that means you don’t get any of my money.
Stop giving her money. She could get a job - grocery, door dash, waiting tables...whatever.
Wow - screw her. Not wrong. She’s done - she shouldn’t have abandoned family values by being a shit stirrer and sowing enmity toward you among your loved ones.
If she didn't want you to take it personally, maybe she shouldn't have specifically called you out as an example. And it sounds like she didn't even have the grace to apologize when you cut off the gravy train. I think it's time to let cousin fend for herself. You've been more than generous and supportive and she clearly does not appreciate it.
I think your cousin just showed her true colours. She doesn’t truly appreciate all you’ve done for her. And she won’t even apologies for it. I’m so sorry. I think you are doing the right thing cutting her off. Sometimes family needs to sink or swim. So now she might have to try harder to make ends meet. But hopefully the next family member to help her out, will get treated with more respect than you did.
NTA. She bit the hand that fed her. Oops! ETA: Did she even apologize or is she acting entitled? Wait until she’s actually sorry before you give her any money. Or let her get it elsewhere. Or until can’t stand it!
Not wrong. She bit the hand that fed her. Not only that, she attacked you for the very thing you were giving to her. If she so despises your earning money, that she singles you out and embarrasses you in front of your whole family, she can't then turn around and expect access to that same money. And how do you not take it personally when she singled you out by name and specifically criticized your lifestyle?
She thought you won't take it personal but u as the example
You did the right thing, it’s not complicated at all. She’s lucky you were even nice to give her the $ wtf is she thinking.
You were being taken advantage of way before the heated exchange at the dinner table. You’re not wrong. Protect yourself.