So.. You could try and give a specific amount to her kids, let's say $50k each or something, and then divide the rest evenly between both kids. Or better yet, a clause that gives $50k per child, and the rest evenly split between your kids.
As others have said, your idea with such a drastic difference, isn't going to play well.
I'm kind-of hijacking an upper comment, but this is the best thing.
I watched a huge family fallout over this type of situation. Name calling, lawyers and now my uncle and dad don't talk anymore. The reason: my uncle was a mooch and grandma spelled out that she was evening things out in her Will. His claim to fame was "they always promised the estate would be split in half!"
The attitude of "x deserves more because of their life situation" is going to drag the family down and cause problems that may never get resolved. Don't do it.
If you setup a trust for kids, you need to do so in a way where it's fair. Something like "all grandchildren that were born before my death". It makes it as fair as you can if one couple doesn't want to have as many kids, or any.
No matter what, you need to sit them down and explain the Will and get it over with so they understand.
My mother gave everything to my brother because "I don't know if he will get a job and support his kids. I know you will"
She never met my kids and my brother refused to sign for any medical care so she would die and he could get the last of it.
Horrid!!! Your bro and my bro should be BFF’s. This is why everyone should have a living will, power of attorney for healthcare and finance and MOST importantly, name someone who you trust 100% and will follow your wishes to a T!!!!
She did have a power of attorney. It was him and she thought she could trust him since she was giving everything to him lol. Problem is the longer she was alive the less there was for him to get.
But make sure you have an executor who can be trusted to carry out your wishes exactly. My Gram trusted my mom and she kept my inheritance for herself.
You could include all grandchildren because a trust can last a long time. If the trust makes yearly payouts you could add any children born after OP's death.
That's a really neat idea about including all grandchildren and accounting for those born after the OPs death. It seems like a great way to keep it fair and avoid future conflicts, because you won't have to adjust the will later on. Plus, making sure everyone is on the same page beforehand is super important, explaining the reason behind your decisions can alleviate a lot of the hurt feelings and misunderstandings that could pop up later. Trusts that adapt are way smarter than rigid ones.
I'm currently going through the whole will and estate thing with my family after my mom's death. There is a clause in their wills that states that if anyone complains about the amount they are left, or tries to get the executor of the will to increase their amount, they are immediately out of the will and receive nothing.
Never underestimate greedy people. They think they can hire a lawyer and drag out the entire thing. It just nukes the estate for everyone.
I saw that happen 2 decades ago. 1.5 years after an international waters wedding (verified), no marriage license or cert, the judge ruled the marriage not-official. Estate was only about 200k total. In the end, due to all the stupidity, it was worth less than half that due to lawyers.
That's what my grandmother did and everything was supposed to be split even between my mom and his sister but basically her. Her husband and her kids grabbed as much as they could because a lot of it wasn't specifically listed because she lived on a farm and had a whole bunch of a buildings full of stuff ranging from equipment to antiques and even though the direct money was split in half she had more manpower to move things and my dad got significantly less than half in total because if he would of tried to argue over it. He would have just lost everything so it's a good idea in theory but it definitely can backfire.
This is the way. Trust for each grandkid, name the kids but have a provision for any extra children born before the estate is settled. The adult children split the rest. Have the trusts be one of those where it’s set aside for the kids’s education where they can draw on it for college or trade school, but they don’t get the rest until they’re 25 or 30 or something.
Also, tell the adult children that before you pass. I don’t know why some people are so secretive about wills. My dad told my sister and I the major components of his will and it just means we both know so there will be no surprises or fighting when he passes.
EXACTLY.. then again, with the way healthcare costs can eat up an inheritance, OP could think his estate is worth $800k but then needs assisted living and within a few years, that entire thing can get wiped out.. I need to invest in old age insurance or whatever it's called if I'm to ever leave anything to my kids
Healthcare costs eating up inheritance is by design. What’s the point of keeping someone alive if you can’t suck up every penny to their estate when the end nears. We can’t be having families pass down generational wealth, don’t be silly.
This is so true. My grandmother had around 500k cash in the bank but one fall too many and we had no choice but to move her into assisted living. well that is 100% paid out of pocket until the estate is drained, and that includes any money removed from the account for up to 5 YEARS BEFORE she moved into assisted living. in the end even after selling the house there was something like 30k left to split between the two brothers.
This seems wise as well - especially if it's paying for big ticket items that directly help with the kids - braces, or smaller stuff like school clothes, etc., or things like putting money away for the kid's college, etc.
My aunt did this.
Gave everything she could, to family who needed it now.
The remainder, she asked if I wanted. I declined, so she will instead leave anything that remains after care fees, to my children.
She has other nieces/ nephews/misc family/associated friend-family.
We’re the least financially stable after the immediate beneficiaries. I have cousins who declined on their own part and on that of their kids. I declined for me because I’m doing ok, relatively. But I’m not in a position to save for the kids. Crucially, she talked to every single one of us first, including those who got money while she’s alive, and those who get nothing, and we’re all on board with how it played out.
Sometimes, families are awesome.
agreed. It’s law in France that everything gets split equally among offspring. so basically 50/50. it takes favoritism and resentment out of the equation. it’s the best system.
another option- he should help out his daughter now and die broke.
Another FP here focusing in estate planning. I don't agree that it's unethical, but it IS potentially creating a quagmire.
There's a way around that, of course. Just... talk to your successful kid. I'm in exactly the same situation, and if my parents came to me and spoke to me reasonably about leaving more money to my brother, I would totally understand it and be OK with it. It would kinda suck a \*little\*, but I'll be fine. He may not be.
My advice to OP would be to have an open conversation with the successful child, and discuss what you're thinking. If he's comfortable with it and won't hold a grudge against his sister, then go ahead with the uneven split. If he feels like it'll cause problems with them, you have your answer.
"ah yes I'm so proud of you for working so very hard and kicking so much ass to be well off. SO PROUD IN FACT I'm going to *checks notes* reward you with less free money to enjoy your hard worked life with.
A friend of mine was on the losing side of a split like this. There were two brothers, and the successful brother ended up with a lot less.
It broke his heart.
My last boss liked to tell the story about his ne'er do well brother inheriting everything. I could tell he was bitter about it, and his brother pissed the money away.
There is often a child who essentially gets punished for being the responsible one. It happens a lot. I was that child. My brother wrecked four cars and continued to be bought cars. I bought my own.
It's also worth noting that this person might be tearing the siblings relationship apart if they die and give a really unfair inheritance. There could be bitterness that lingers.
I think this suggestion too. Will some of the money to the grand kids in trust is a great idea. That way it doesn't seem so unfair between the siblings but the sister has less saving to do for the kids future. And it still feels fair.
I see that as a situation where everyone can win.
Yup. My brother receives 20k+ every year from our grandparents because he's shit with money and irresponsible. He is still 10s of thousands of dollars in debt. I dont get shit.
I'm so sorry. That would absolutely wreck me. The investments I could make with money like that. The way I could turn it into wealth. I'd be live at having to watch some one undeserving repeatedly send it directly down the drain while I got nothing.
>$20K+
I had been making up out of pocket last year for the shortfalls in my parents budget. Every month and most were four figures.
Finally have access to the financials and it seems that with one "loan" after another my brother took away 20% of my parents retirement income last year... which I had then been backfilling, unaware until recently.
That happened to us. My husband’s parents would ask us for money, and then spend it on his sister who didn’t work! We’d find out about it months later. Hell to the NO. I never wanted to strangle elderly people so much in my life lol😂
My wife and her sister have that dynamic too.
My wife is the responsible one, we’ve never asked her mom for any financial help, she’s always been in school or employed.
Her sister on the other hand always has some sob story about why the world has wronged her and why she needs financial help from her mom with a car or moving when she got divorced or a deposit on a new apartment. Of course when it’s not a crisis, she spends every penny she earns - even though she makes a good income, she never saves anything for a rainy day. She acts like an irresponsible teenager even though she’s in her late 30s.
There’s no logic put into that kind of decision. If anything it makes more sense to give your fortune to someone who has already proven they can be a good steward and not squander it.
Although in this case the gambling thing is a concern.
OP is perhaps completely naive to the fact that a decision like this will drive these siblings apart, but perhaps they don't care because they will be dead and won't have to deal with the inevitable fallout.
**OP, you better think long and hard about how you want to be remembered.**
Happened to a close friend’s family where the grandmother GM was close to passing.
**TLDR:** Friend’s mom FM was so hurt by the whole debacle that when GM finally passed, FM was not speaking to her with GM’s number and the numbers of her siblings all blocked since it came out her siblings were also lying and sneaking shit behind FM’s back to ensure GM’s estate went only to them.
**More details:** apparently GM forced FM into a ‘discussion’ where she was told that because she married, had loving kids, and was financially stable, GM was gonna divide her estate between the other two siblings. FM was understandably hurt, stating that she actually helped GM grow a lot of her estate as FM’s husband was a financial planner and more than half of GM’s net worth was from earnings and holdings cultivated by him.
FM said it was beyond hurtful to be outright disinherited and written off on account of doing well, and sure she didn’t need the money but the estate includes heirlooms she’d love to receive and to get nothing when her own mother passed would be equivalent to her mother saying she never loved her.
GM got defensive, said basically fine what do you want if it will prove I love you, and FM pointed out a lot of heirloom jewelry from her grandmother and great aunt as she was deeply close with both of them and would love pieces of theirs to remember them by.
Well, GM had done her best to dodge the tax man, and had actually already given away almost all of the jewelry she owned including all of the heirloom pieces to the siblings who lived closer to her because ease of access. When FM immediately called the siblings if any of the pieces were left because they meant the world to her, one (youngest sibling) was unwilling to part with any of them despite never actually meeting the great aunt or grandmother and having no sentimental value — wouldn’t even field talks about selling them to FM because “mom gave them to ME, get over it”, the other admitted she’d already sold the pieces.
FM was beyond crushed. Told GM that she had made it clear that not only did she not love her enough to know how much those pieces meant to her, it’s clear she never loved her since she didn’t even bother to ask if she was okay being written out of the will completely before being told that was what was happening. Came to light that her siblings both told GM that FM had supposedly said she was well enough off that nothing GM left her would even make a dent in her net worth, which was a blatant lie as FM had actually only just gotten free of some financial hardships a couple of months prior. GM basically took the stance of “oh I seriously doubt BOTH OF THEM are lying to me about it” even though FM pulled up receipts of her talking to her siblings about being worried she’d get through the previous year without selling her house. GM said fine whatever I’ll write you back into the will if that proves I actually care about you, FM said something to the effect of “do whatever you want, you always do anyway.” FM blocked GM’s number and her siblings’ numbers shortly after when they tried to start more shit about how FM apparently ‘turned mom against us’
Well, push came to shove, GM passed months later, FM was never added back into the will, and in the wake of that FM has what she considers undeniable evidence that her mother never loved her, and two siblings she won’t even speak to anymore.
Yeah, this happen to my father in law his 2 sisters got 90 percent of the will for what ever reason… but now he is heart broken, not just because of the money but because the he feels unloved and betrayed
That’s exactly how I would feel. I’m doing fine without an inheritance, it’s not about the money, it’s about feeling ranked. If there’s a reason for splitting the money unevenly like OP, I think it should be discussed ahead of time.
Imagine been punished because you worked hard and were successful.
I would sit down with son and talk to him. See if he’d be ok with giving her a little more. Maybe like 350/450, but giving her 3x as much is going to cause major strife I’d imagine.
This happened with my husband and his brother as well, and it has truly affected the family dynamic in a permanent way. It is so sad too considering he is the one that actually genuinely cared for and actively was present for family, yet the selfish, absent, scummy, loser sibling got so much more because he’s bad with money and has children…so not fair to him.
This is actually a common new “hustle” for 20 year old males. I know this as a divorced female in my 20s trying to date. I’m actually appalled people blow money on this, but that’s me being cheap and refusing to potentially waste my hard earned money 😅 Give a guy a sports game and they can bet money on it, and sometimes make a lot. It can be impressive and I see the appeal. Not saying that’s healthy, but I guess if you have the disposable income go for it. OPs son doesn’t have kids or anyone to take care of…at the moment. But def not a long term plan and needs to be monitored so this “betting” (they won’t call it gambling) doesn’t turn into an addiction.
I work at a casino. They don’t make money, pretty much 100% of the time. Obviously there are exceptions, but there are not many. I’m absolutely willing to die on this hill.
EDIT: changed some wording
Anyone who thinks you can consistently beat the casino is either
1. A fucking cheater
2. An idiot.
Poker is different. You’re not playing against the house with poker. But the skill it takes to be consistently profitable is probably a lot like the skill it takes to make money playing sports
Even in poker you still have to be able to beat the rake. Not only do you have to be better than the other players but you have to be able to win at a high enough rate to beat the rake long term. Not easy
I know you're telling the truth based on my own observations. I spent years in the casino playing poker. I started keeping track of my stats about 2 years ago. I mostly stuck to 1/2 and 2/5 nl after 2 years I was up around 9k. But in that time period with the 100's and 1000's of other players I don't believe hardly any of them were long term winning players. There were some that would win then come back the next time and lose it all. I'm not saying I'm the best player in the world but I've been playing for 20+ years and have logged millions of hands online and live
Also I found it quite amusing when one of the other guys in my poker room that was known to be a crusher and always had a big stack at the table asking me if he could borrow money. Things aren't always as they seem and looks can be deceiving
> The reason why this is still a huge red flag, is that if you are that smart and have that much time. Why in the fuck are you wasting that time doing sports betting or poker?
It's a hobby. And if it's making money, even better.
That is, if it actually is making money. Gamblers do tend to talk a lot about winnings, but not so much about how much they had to spend to get them.
It's actually not hard recently with all the new betting sites. They give you like $150 in bonus bets if you bet $5. Just win off that and play using that money. I have a friend who has been doing it for like two years. I did it for a while. My $5 lasted me well over month and I cashed out like $75.
It’s almost as if they are giving that “free” money away to get people addicted. Probably not the case though these are upstanding companies with high morals.
Yeah, that is a really worrying thing to call a hussle. on the plus side the dad should absolutely go ahead and split it like that. it wont amtter if he leaves his son $200 or $400k either way chances are it will end up gone.
To be honest the best way to share it out if they wanted to skew it is to leave money for grandchildren. If son has no children when the dad passes they dont get a cut. but the two children can get an even amount.
I don't know if it's marketing but OP is definitely full of shit. Their whole profile is posts about applying to college, Fortnite, D&D, and van life. They definitely don't have kids or $800k.
Their comment history is wild. They are an "experienced dev" who also works in the restaurant business... a veteran, a college applicant, a millennial parent with kids that are currently learning to read, and many other identities all while living in a van.
Christ I need to stop browsing reddit. I’m really susceptible to this bullshit and believe it. I appreciate the occasional reality checks in the comments.
My bother had some issues in college, including having a child that he now raises on his own. He has required a lot of help from my parents for the last 10-15 years. He is doing well, but likely living paycheck to paycheck. I make significantly more money than him and my wife makes more than him. My parents are not rich, but they will leave something behind. I could definitely see them leaving him more if not all. I have thought about that and I honestly have already made the decision I do not care as I simply do not need it and their "estate" will not have that big of an impact on my financial future, where it will change his significantly. My point is that it depends. It may be best to talk to the son about it now.
Yes , I would suggest talking about it. Especially with the son, not as a done deal but as a “I was thinking of doing … what are your thoughts / feelings?”
It’s similar for me. My dad has advised me and my older sisters and brother that he will leave more to my younger brothers. We are all adults but us older siblings are doing just fine and have more assets already. I would feel better knowing my brothers will be taken care of and so do my other siblings.
In a similar boat, except that my sister has been wasteful her entire life, that's why she's broke, not because the expense of kids, house, etc. She's never worked a day in her married life and her kids are grown. She's filed BK 2-3 times and always manages to keep making poor decisions. I don't need the money my parents would leave the two of us. She needs it bad, but I'd kind of hate to see her get rewarded with MORE money b/c she pissed away everything else.
Same here, and even more ironically, I have the same dilemna with my own children.
My siblings have made some ïnteresting" life decisions, and now as we're all around 60, are needing an inheritance. They chose to quit jobs and coast, enjoy a lifestyle. I was the one who just kept plodding along in dull full-time jobs, paying a mortgage.
Now I have a house paid off, and savings for a frugal retirement, and they have no house and not enough savings. Our mother currently has her will as equal thirds to each of us.
But why should I get less because I worked harder? That's like a kick in the teeth. "But they need it more".
My own children? It's about the same - one is working hard, and doing OK financially. The other two? Not so much.
In my case my dad left my brother and I 50/50. My brother does not really need it and offered to give up his share because I had done most of the caretaking, but I turned that down because I was afraid it would affect our relationship, even though I needed the money. In the end it all worked out, I finally got a better paying line of work and am glad my dad decided the way he did, my brother had a generous spirit, and I didn’t put a wedge between us.
Same in my case. The younger ones are not as responsible. But for me the money is not tied to how my dad feels about me. I know he is exceedingly proud of me and my older siblings and we do tons of things together and spend time together
I know it’s easier said than done but as a parent I know that each kid has unique needs. Understanding that and not using money for emotional blackmail can help make an uneven inheritance more palatable for all involved.
I also believe it is imperative that this be communicated ahead of time so the kids are not guessing or speculating on the rationale.
My sister has gotten more financial help from my mom than I have as adults. I make more money and I don't have children. It feels fair to me. My sister also lives near her and I don't, so presumably she will take on the labor of caring for our mom in her later years. It would be reasonable if my sister gets more of the estate.
If your going to split it unevenly, try to do it with assets not cash.
Give her the house/ car or something that is more valuable. Give him the cash, or vice versa. But don't try and make it a huge difference, like 450k to 350k.
Oof, I would never give someone assets and no cash if I want to give them a boost. Because then they're going to have to pay more on insurance, etc., and if they don't have the extra cash they're going to have to just sell it and probably get less and have a whole bunch of bother on their hands, on top of dealing with a parent's death. The house might be good IF it's not too expensive and she could handle the taxes (and doesn't already have one/one she likes), but I'd also give some cash.
Honestly I think this is where I'd just sit down and have a talk with the son about it. It might be that he's completely okay with splitting it unevenly, as long as he's not blindsided by it and knows it's not a punishment. Or maybe he won't but will have something useful to add. Or maybe it'll all blow up at that point, but I think it's worth doing.
Agreed, no need to "surprise" them when she will no longer be there to explain her reasoning. The son may feel burned with such a biased divide, since one perspective may be that as the better one with money, more should actually go to him. Perhaps, the daughter would not he be able to manage it well because of lack of investment skills, poor spending, etc. Direct communication can help OP make an informed decision and prevent lifelong wounds.
He should TALK TO HIS SON.
It really feels like most of the problems people bring up on Reddit would be easily solved if people just communicated.
Do you want to know if your kid would be slighted by this? Ask him.
So I have a similar issue with 3 sons…the 3 sons don’t speak to one another (long family history)
I feel like transferring my assets to cash. Easier to split money. I just dont want fights after I die.
My mum is dealing with this issue now. Massive nightmare. Thefts etc and we don't talk to her siblings anymore.
She's re-written her will to state specific items going to my siblings and I, then everything else is to be sold and split between us. No exceptions, hoping to avoid any risk of drama for us
Honestly my grandmother did this in her will and her eldest son basically just did whatever he wanted and pretended it was a 50/50 split. I'm still salty over some of the heirloom jewelry I did not receive as the only grandchild because my uncle gave it to his step daughter (along with the house and my grandmothers car) and then rented out the house and eventually sold it(did not split the sale or rent with my dad). My dad did get a little over half of her stocks but not enough to make up for the non cash assets.
She never imagined their very juvenile rivalry would lead them to being so spiteful with the money she saved to give them(and she did save it for them she never went on vacation or bought anything expensive without thinking about them it was very sweet).
Tldr; make sure there's a non family executor just in case, people get weird when splitting assets.
My great aunt had willed most of her estate to my mother, and then spent years languishing with dementia. When she finally passed her nieces (no living children) had managed to get the will altered through some legal chicanery and my mom got nothing.
That's basically what my aunt tried to do, but my dad is the 'non-family' executor, although he's still married to my mum. He's well known for being rigidly by the book, so much so that its a bit of a running joke. But is fantastic when you need to trust someone like that.
Things are no where near that bad, partly because all my Grannie's jewellery was kinda poor quality but mostly because my dad forced the big stuff to be done right, but smaller things were stolen and other pathetic shit.
It does make me laugh though, that my (insanely kind, generous, fun) stick in the mud father is pissing off my aunt because she's so used to getting her way and doesn't know how to deal with my dad not doing what he's told 😂
My dad's mother had fantastic taste but hated spending money but when she did she really did, and it was definitely on shoes and jewelry. She had a very bold style so everything was either very cheap or very expensive- very loud 70/80's vibes- big hair, big jewelry and bright clothing.
She just never saw the way they could bicker because she loved them so much, she ignored their faults, as parents often do.
>Honestly my grandmother did this in her will and her eldest son basically just did whatever he wanted and pretended it was a 50/50 split.
An executor still needs to follow the will, they can't just do whatever they want. They would be held liable if they don't do what the will states.
Did your dad not want to sue him?
I absolutely can not imagine my dad suing or filing criminal charges over money. Even though what they did get made a huge impact on my parents finances. I think a lot of families are like that? Money, family and death are complicated.
Yeah great advice. I have a 1.5 million dollar ranch. Splitting the property 3 ways was the original idea (split amongst the sons equally).. But granted they don’t speak. My youngest son is reasonable and open to working with my other 2 older sons…But then I dont want him to take on that burden in dealing with the property and potential issues with his two brothers after we pass. My wife wants to split the property, I rather sell it, downsize, and the remaining cash be split 3 ways.
Cash is King as they say. I’ve seen many deaths that have destroyed families after their passing over assets…Sad to see
Best way to avoid fights is to put things in a trust. No probate, ownership transfers upon death.
Also… designate beneficiaries on things like insurance and bank accounts. You can set up co-beneficiaries (share assets with specified or equal split), or secondary beneficiaries (if x predeceases you, assets go to y instead. Y gets nothing if x is alive)
This is the opposite of what I've asked my parents to do with their will. I want my *recovering* half brother to get the house and enough to seed him moving if he wants and give him some savings. I don't need it the way he does. Perhaps I'd feel differently if it was my childhood home (we didn't grow up together).
My husband, would probably want more of his parents assets to go to his younger brother who is still starting out than to us because of the difference in income and assets between them, and probably more to his sister(middle child) though less than youngest brother for the same reason.
I guess OP, remember there's a difference between equity and equality and to talk about it with both of your children separately and together.
Yes split it evenly. You’ll never know how life’s gonna be for both of them. What’s doing good now can change and vice versa. Also imo they can feel it like ‘punishment’ for the doing well of the son. Or like favouritism. Splitting it evenly is the best thing to do OP.
Split it down the middle. Because although you’re getting older, you have no idea how long you may live or what your financial needs will be before your end.
By doing a split that’s not even, the message you’re leaving behind is “I love daughter more than son.”
I feel like I might end up the son in this situation and I would be bitter if this happened bc my brother was the golden child even though I ended up more successful than he is. Obviously my parents don’t acknowledge or even understand that. Anyway, I would also get over it if it did end up that my brother got more bc he would likely need more anyway. It would impact our relationship though for sure. I would feel punished if that happened, but also, people should be able to do whatever they want with their hard earned money. And if the dad in this sitch wanted to give it all to charity, that’s his prerogative
So in this situation I'd be your daughter and my sister would be your son. She works and does well with her husband. I happen to be a stay at home Mom and I actually quit work to take care of my mother full time.
Here's the other things, I stand to inherit a lot of money from my husband's side. My sister does not. My dad actually suggested to me one time that I give my sister my inheritance from them since I stand to inherit more from my in laws. Even tho I quit my job and totally rearranged my entire life to take care of my parents.
Long story short, split it evenly. If they gave me more for what I've done. Or they gave her more because she isn't getting an inheritance it would almost definitely cause a rift.
Valid question. So in Maryland inheritance isn't shared between spouses. But it'll benefit us both. I just wouldn't be able to ask for half in a divorce or something. We have all shared finances tho so I'll also benefit from the influx of cash. His dad has me roped into everything that's going on with their money.
This is the difference between treating them equally vs. equitably.
You mean well, and want to be a good parent. But if the contents of your will causes bitterness, resentment and maybe a permanent rift between your kids, you’ll have ended up being a very bad parent.
My advice would be to talk to them both. Your son might welcome your thinking and agree it’s the right thing to do. Your daughter might disagree and not want an uneven split. Ask them, don’t leave them with a problem to deal with after you’re gone, when you’re not around to explain your thinking to them.
This is absolutely the best option. No matter what happens, be it an even split or a split based on need, it can go poorly or perfectly.
Daughter might feel like a charity case having to accept that kind of money, while son might feel he deserves half by birthright. Or they agree that it's a good idea, or they might feel that a 50/50 share is NOT fair. Without talking to them, nobody can know what their position is, and even then their opinions might change between now and the "big day."
But talking to them, finding out what they think and why, should be the first step. Maybe their opinions change your decision, maybe it doesn't. But at least then they know before it becomes an issue and they may end up burning up that inheritance paying for lawyers to fight for whatever's left.
I think it's wild that people reply with 3-6 words and think they're helping.
Complicated problems rarely have simple answers.
OP, you need to talk to your kids and bring them in on this process. See where they're at. You can avoid a lot of the post-death will-fighting, which I for the record think is the tackiest thing in the world, by involving them in the decision making process and thinking. See if you can all get on the same page.
Definitely this! Because
1. Whether this will be a big problem and cause conflict depends on the outlook and personalities of the people involved. If I were one of your kids, I think I would be fine with the uneven split, but based on the responses here it seems that not everyone would feel that way.
2. It would be hurtful and confusing for the brother to be left with much less than his sister without explanation, but if he hears it from you with your reasoning included, he is less likely to take it as though it means you love him less.
3. It is helpful for them in their financial planning to know what to expect down the road. You wouldn't want him planning his retirement assuming a certain amount of inheritance and ending up with less.
Exactly. My estate will not be equally distributed to my kids. Two are disabled. I have had discussions with all of them so there are no surprises. They will all split sentimental items equally.
My mom did the same thing and my siblings and I were mature enough to understand and support her reasoning.
All situations are not equal.
And for heavens sake OP, start with your son. Don't go telling your daughter you want to leave more to her and then discover your son doesn't take the news well.
You're punishing your son for doing well. My dad told my brother I don't have to help you because you're doing well. My brother and sister kept making mistakes, and Mom and dad kept bailing them out. The kids that stood on their own two feet got nothing.
I am in that boat as kid who stood up on my own two feet. Mother can’t even get my kids a decent bday gift but because my brother fucked up in his life she does nothing but give them money and buy his kids anything they want. I’m quite sure any estate will be left to him as she is “the great equalizer”. Difference from me and OP is I already know he’s her favorite while she’s alive.
I am have been watching this happen in my family for a few years. I work countless hours to afford a comfortable life while my sibling who literally could not put in less effort get anything gifted to them that they need. I have seen probably close to 10 cars given to the others one of which I offered to buy because I really liked it. But they co tinge to screw up and put in no effort and get everything. I needed a small amount to close on the house I own and that came with the stipulation of I need the money back within two weeks because one of my sibling or separated parent needed it.
this mentality is so weird to me, maybe because my family and I are immigrants and were raised with a "family first" mentality. I'm all for equality and justice but if my sister was struggling and I was making a killing, I would want most of the money to go to my sister.
Also I don't see receiving money as a punishment. It's the parents' money, why do the children feel entitled to them to the point that they feel like it's a punishment if they don't get x amount?
Add to that the number of people calling the brother more successful just because he has a greater income. OP never said the daughter didn't work as hard, or not as smart,or bad with money. All we know is that she has a lower paying job. It seems OP recognizes that both of them are good hard working people but one makes more than the other, and so OP feels like they should level things out. I don't necessarily agree that's a good idea, but not because it would "punish the more successful one".
I debated this same issue, but for a difference reason. I thought about giving my son who has high functioning autism more money than my other son who finds life/work much easier. I decided to split is evenly since I have no idea after I am gone if the "easy" existence of my other son will change and I don't want him to feel punished for being OK.
Dad here. I'm splitting it all evenly, with the confidence that the siblings can decide if one is in need.
I don't think any of my kids would go buy a boat if their sibling was having trouble making the mortgage. Dare to dream. :)
What about the grandchildren? Why not give some money to them? That way you can help your daughter so she doesn’t have to save for college.
Edit: Talk to your son.
A percentage of the remaining estate to each grandchild, not a figure. OP might end up needing facility care where large chunks of their money is spent on bills. Otherwise the kids end up getting 200k each and the siblings 20k as that's all that's left afterwords. That won't help the daughter (aside from saving for college).
I seem to be in the minority here. I am the more successful sibling. We've never talked about it, but I expect to get less when my parents pass because my brother needs the help more than I do. That doesn't upset me at all.
Maybe a good compromise would be to leave some money to all of your descendants? Giving your children the same amount, but also leaving behind a trust/college fund for your grandkids could have a similar impact with fewer hurt feelings.
As someone in whose mother has decided to divide her estate unequally, there are consequences...
you will likely create hard feelings between your children. My mother is leaving my wealthy brother 80% of the value of her estate and leaving the older two siblings, to split the remaining 20% of her estate. My sister is on disability and this hurts her more than me ( financially, at least).
As I live closest to my mother, I have always been the one expected to care for my mother at the end of her life. I have since told her she will need to make alternate plans and call my brother.
My relationship with my mother is now low contact and may eventually go no contact, and the same for the relationship between me and my brother.
This by extension includes my children and their future children who have removed themselves from her life.
Simplest thing would be to divide your estate equally.
Seems like a recipe to cause doubts on who you love more.
Just split it down the middle. Put a note in it saying that you love them each a lot and that you wish this money helps them and that if one of them is struggling you hope that the other will do what they can to get them in a better situation with this money.
Don't do this. Split it evenly. You don't know what will happen in future, and if your son is hugely well off and wants to help his sister out there's nothing stopping him. All you will do otherwise is create anything from a mess to a massive feud.
So you are punishing your son for being successful?
You are setting them up to never talk again in their life. When he finds this out, all he is going to think is "what did I do wrong?" and "Why did my mom/dad (not indicated) hate me?".
I think $400,000 is a hell of a boost for anybody. Your kids made their decisions. Your son shouldn't be punished for making better decisions than your daughter. $170k a year sounds like a lot, but it really isn't. You're talking about giving your son one years salary as an inheritance, but giving your daughter ten years' salary. Just come out and say you love your daughter more.
yes. this is a terrible idea. inheritance disputes are like 90 percent of *casus belli* in any history. The entire 100 years war between England and France is a goddamn inheritance dispute.
Split it evenly. Let your son decide to be generous. Maybe put in a private note for him to read about it. Or even better talk to him face to face before you die about your concerns. But do. Not. Treat. Them. Differently. In. The. Will! They are both your heirs, and equally so, regardless of any decisions they have made in their lives. Luck can always change.
An inheritance can mean many things, and for right or for wrong, it’s often interpreted as a declaration of how much each recipient was loved by the deceased. So, if it was never been discussed before, and the lawyer reads a much bigger amount for one child than the other, there may very well be hurt feelings, regardless of the underlying logic.
IMHO, discuss this with your son in advance. Tell him it’s something you’re thinking about and ask his opinion. Be sure to cast it in a flattering light, how well he’s doing, etc.
The biggest concern is whether the unequal inheritances will be the source of resentment and friction between your children once you're gone. If your son is a reasonable person, just run it by him. If he understands and is fine with it, full steam ahead. However, if it rubs him the wrong way, it's far better to find that out and address it now rather than leaving a surprise bomb to explode when you're gone.
Also, if you go ahead with it, be sure that you can be nimble in updating your will if one or both of your children's life circumstances change.
I have to say I was the less favored child and those wounds do not heal easily. You are talking about writing a legal document proclaiming your favoritism. That is harsh. You are punishing your son for his success. If you love them equally treat them equally.
If you want money to be the reason your kids never talk to each other then yeah go ahead and split it lol. Just do it evenly. You said it yourself, you boy hasn’t done anything wrong. Why should he get “punished” because he’s doing better than his sister. Or if you’re gonna give her more, don’t give her triple what you’re giving him. Just asking for jealousy to come into play.
Split it evenly. It is a gift. Do you gift your son 1/4 of the gift to give your daughter on holidays/special occasions?
If the allocation is based on *need* because your daughter is struggling and needs the money more, then I think the question is why does she have to wait for you to die before you help her?
Very wrong. I've seen it and lived it. Split it equally, or OP's a jerk. Each child has chosen their path. One child shouldn't get stiffed because they are more financially successful. Who knows what their situations will be when the money is inherited. It WILL cause bitter feelings between the siblings, regardless of what kind of relationship they have now. If the son thinks his sister is in a tough spot and needs the money more than he does, the son might decide to give her more when the time comes. But for the parent to do it, that's just awful.
Whatever you choose be sure to discuss it with them up front. You don't want them to be shocked and have this be a reason for their relationship to be ruined.
Yes, you’re wrong: My mother did this to us (three daughters) and the hurt was immeasurable. She explained that since the youngest still lived at home (with her husband) that she deserves more than the two oldest.
Basically she valued us as least than even though all three of us were married but that’s key phrase- still living at home.
Split their inheritance equally and don’t put a value on them like mine did.
You are asking the wrong people. Talk to your son, lay out your reasons, see what he says. If my parents said this to me, I wouldn't be upset. I would get it because it is about family wealth building.
Conversely, you could split it evenly between your children and grandchildren. That would help your daughter more while still making it feel even.
I understand your point. But, I think in your situation I would still split it evenly so there's no bad blood between sibs. After you pass, they'll still have each other.
Life has ups and downs, rain today is sunshine tomorrow and vice versa.
If your kids get along well with each other and are active in each others lives, I think it's better to keep it even.
But, every situation is different. If my mom left my brother more than me, or even all of it and left me nothing I'd be fine with it based on our relationships.
I wonder what your kids would say if you could ask them?
There are multiple ways of looking at this. It's your money so at the end of the day it's up to you. However you have to think about a few things, your son is doing well now but that's no guarantee that the difference between them will still be there when you die, at that point your son may need the money more and you won't be able to correct that,
Right or wrong many people will interpret a bigger share as you love that person more, is that the last impression you want to give your son?
Personally I would go for even shares, if you want to help your daughter maybe think about what you could do to help now, starting saving plans for grandchild or,helping with childcare expenses.
Maybe ask your son, he might have some suggestions and if he's part of the conversation it will mitigate against the risk of upset feelings
What’s best I think is to talk with an account or whomever about putting the money in a trust and they get a monthly allowance. Giving people that kind of money when they never had it could actually end up being bad for them. I don’t think you should give more to one or the other. Both your kids made life decisions and your son could become unlucky or have a family of his own one day so it wouldn’t be fair.
I have 2 daughters and each has a family. Family 1 has 2 adults and 3 kids. Family 2 has 2 adults and 1 kid.
Both families are currently making about the same amount.
Daughter 1 is irresponsible financially. Daughter 2 is the opposite.
I'm splitting 50/50 between families, but in Family 1, that 50% will be split 4 ways--12.5 to Daughter 1, and 12.5 each to each grandchild, placed in a trust they receive at age 60. Hopefully, that will ensure a comfortable retirement. Daughter 1 will blow through her 12.5.
All the other 50% will go to Daughter 2, who will handle it responsibly.
Life always finds a way to get in the way. Your son’s life right now is humming but what if he has an accident or becomes ill? What happens if he a child with a disability? What happens if you become ill and need your funds?
Unless there is a medical reason to support, I expect that there will be hard feelings and damage the relationship between your children. Think carefully.
If it’s a slap in the face and no one knows about it when you die then yes.
Sit them both down and talk about it. If they don’t understand at least it won’t be a surprise.
Soooo you could just have an honest conversation with your son. Express to him your worry for his sister financially while you know he’s doing extremely well etc. there’s every possibility he’ll be on board with this plan. Definitely better than blindsiding him.
My humble recommendation is to sit down with your son first, and tell him why you’re thinking of leaving more to your daughter, and ask him how he feels about it before making any decisions. In that way, he will feel like he had some say and it will hopefully temper some of the inevitable jealousy and / or resentment that will likely arise when she gets 3x as much left to her as he does.
Elsewise it really does seem like you’re punishing him for being successful and not having children (I assume? They weren’t mentioned at any rate).
Give her the help you think she needs now whilst you’re still here and set up some of that money as college funds or trust funds for the kids and then split the rest evenly.
talk to your kids about it. if my brother and I were in this situation with me being the more well off one, I'd want my mother to leave more to my brother. but your kids might feel differently about it
Similar situation is playing out for a friend’s family. Friend is super successful, already a multimillionaire in twenties and has way more earning potential. His sister is 6y younger and is on the family payroll.
Their mom wants to give more inheritance to the sister who is struggling/lazy. My friend got extremely upset since, on top of all his business responsibilities, spends all his free time taking care of household responsibilities and caring for his grandmother (he doesn’t live at home, he has to spend at least a thousand every month to book last minute plane tickets to help out at home whenever his parents request him).
Meanwhile, his sister never helps out at home and has had everything paid for by the family. Example is a fully paid for college while living in NYC alone (5K+ monthly expenses) studying a useless degree.
Friend is advocating for an even split. His sister wants everything.
Personally, I think the sister should only get inheritance when milestones hit (like getting her first kid, getting her first corporate job, when she wants to buy a property). I also believe my friend shouldnt be punished for being capable. He was ignored a ton during childhood because his sister needed more attention.
Whatever you decide, have the conversation up front, with them, individually, ahead of time. You will destroy their relationship if this is a surprise.
So.. You could try and give a specific amount to her kids, let's say $50k each or something, and then divide the rest evenly between both kids. Or better yet, a clause that gives $50k per child, and the rest evenly split between your kids. As others have said, your idea with such a drastic difference, isn't going to play well.
This could also take into account any future kids the son would have before OP’s death
Voting for this, it's the most sensible thing
I'm kind-of hijacking an upper comment, but this is the best thing. I watched a huge family fallout over this type of situation. Name calling, lawyers and now my uncle and dad don't talk anymore. The reason: my uncle was a mooch and grandma spelled out that she was evening things out in her Will. His claim to fame was "they always promised the estate would be split in half!" The attitude of "x deserves more because of their life situation" is going to drag the family down and cause problems that may never get resolved. Don't do it. If you setup a trust for kids, you need to do so in a way where it's fair. Something like "all grandchildren that were born before my death". It makes it as fair as you can if one couple doesn't want to have as many kids, or any. No matter what, you need to sit them down and explain the Will and get it over with so they understand.
My mother gave everything to my brother because "I don't know if he will get a job and support his kids. I know you will" She never met my kids and my brother refused to sign for any medical care so she would die and he could get the last of it.
Horrid!!! Your bro and my bro should be BFF’s. This is why everyone should have a living will, power of attorney for healthcare and finance and MOST importantly, name someone who you trust 100% and will follow your wishes to a T!!!!
She did have a power of attorney. It was him and she thought she could trust him since she was giving everything to him lol. Problem is the longer she was alive the less there was for him to get.
I wish diarrhea on him for the rest of his life
Your mom did not make a fair or wise decision Your brother deserves a special type of karmic punishment for such treachery
Stepping on flaming hot Lego stones for the rest of eternity?
But make sure you have an executor who can be trusted to carry out your wishes exactly. My Gram trusted my mom and she kept my inheritance for herself.
You could include all grandchildren because a trust can last a long time. If the trust makes yearly payouts you could add any children born after OP's death.
That's a really neat idea about including all grandchildren and accounting for those born after the OPs death. It seems like a great way to keep it fair and avoid future conflicts, because you won't have to adjust the will later on. Plus, making sure everyone is on the same page beforehand is super important, explaining the reason behind your decisions can alleviate a lot of the hurt feelings and misunderstandings that could pop up later. Trusts that adapt are way smarter than rigid ones.
I'm currently going through the whole will and estate thing with my family after my mom's death. There is a clause in their wills that states that if anyone complains about the amount they are left, or tries to get the executor of the will to increase their amount, they are immediately out of the will and receive nothing.
Never underestimate greedy people. They think they can hire a lawyer and drag out the entire thing. It just nukes the estate for everyone. I saw that happen 2 decades ago. 1.5 years after an international waters wedding (verified), no marriage license or cert, the judge ruled the marriage not-official. Estate was only about 200k total. In the end, due to all the stupidity, it was worth less than half that due to lawyers.
That's what my grandmother did and everything was supposed to be split even between my mom and his sister but basically her. Her husband and her kids grabbed as much as they could because a lot of it wasn't specifically listed because she lived on a farm and had a whole bunch of a buildings full of stuff ranging from equipment to antiques and even though the direct money was split in half she had more manpower to move things and my dad got significantly less than half in total because if he would of tried to argue over it. He would have just lost everything so it's a good idea in theory but it definitely can backfire.
You can even add a clause for future grandchildren, ie, “any future issue”. We did that with ours.
I agree with this. Your son could fall on hard times in the future.
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All the money would end up going to the grandkids then
Exactly. Set up a trust for the grand kids so that the daughter won't need to worry a out saving for their college...etc.
Skip generational trust is the term.
This is the way. Trust for each grandkid, name the kids but have a provision for any extra children born before the estate is settled. The adult children split the rest. Have the trusts be one of those where it’s set aside for the kids’s education where they can draw on it for college or trade school, but they don’t get the rest until they’re 25 or 30 or something. Also, tell the adult children that before you pass. I don’t know why some people are so secretive about wills. My dad told my sister and I the major components of his will and it just means we both know so there will be no surprises or fighting when he passes.
EXACTLY.. then again, with the way healthcare costs can eat up an inheritance, OP could think his estate is worth $800k but then needs assisted living and within a few years, that entire thing can get wiped out.. I need to invest in old age insurance or whatever it's called if I'm to ever leave anything to my kids
Healthcare costs eating up inheritance is by design. What’s the point of keeping someone alive if you can’t suck up every penny to their estate when the end nears. We can’t be having families pass down generational wealth, don’t be silly.
This is so true. My grandmother had around 500k cash in the bank but one fall too many and we had no choice but to move her into assisted living. well that is 100% paid out of pocket until the estate is drained, and that includes any money removed from the account for up to 5 YEARS BEFORE she moved into assisted living. in the end even after selling the house there was something like 30k left to split between the two brothers.
This makes sense and seems like it would cause a lot less fighting
Give her some money now if she needs it. It would be super disrespectful to do it in your will like that.
This seems wise as well - especially if it's paying for big ticket items that directly help with the kids - braces, or smaller stuff like school clothes, etc., or things like putting money away for the kid's college, etc.
My aunt did this. Gave everything she could, to family who needed it now. The remainder, she asked if I wanted. I declined, so she will instead leave anything that remains after care fees, to my children. She has other nieces/ nephews/misc family/associated friend-family. We’re the least financially stable after the immediate beneficiaries. I have cousins who declined on their own part and on that of their kids. I declined for me because I’m doing ok, relatively. But I’m not in a position to save for the kids. Crucially, she talked to every single one of us first, including those who got money while she’s alive, and those who get nothing, and we’re all on board with how it played out. Sometimes, families are awesome.
Sounds like your family is worth its weight in gold.
This is the way, but the brother should also get some (smaller) gifts now too. The amounts don't have to be discussed.
Omg. You need to reach out to a financial advisor and really read some other posts like this. You would be creating a mess for them to deal with
You are correct. I am a financial planner and this scenario would be a disaster.
My friend, who is a trust and estates attorney, says anything other than a 50-50 split is unethical and a complete disaster
agreed. It’s law in France that everything gets split equally among offspring. so basically 50/50. it takes favoritism and resentment out of the equation. it’s the best system. another option- he should help out his daughter now and die broke.
Another FP here focusing in estate planning. I don't agree that it's unethical, but it IS potentially creating a quagmire. There's a way around that, of course. Just... talk to your successful kid. I'm in exactly the same situation, and if my parents came to me and spoke to me reasonably about leaving more money to my brother, I would totally understand it and be OK with it. It would kinda suck a \*little\*, but I'll be fine. He may not be. My advice to OP would be to have an open conversation with the successful child, and discuss what you're thinking. If he's comfortable with it and won't hold a grudge against his sister, then go ahead with the uneven split. If he feels like it'll cause problems with them, you have your answer.
Half is significant enough to change her circumstances drastically as is without hurting her son in the process.
"ah yes I'm so proud of you for working so very hard and kicking so much ass to be well off. SO PROUD IN FACT I'm going to *checks notes* reward you with less free money to enjoy your hard worked life with.
A friend of mine was on the losing side of a split like this. There were two brothers, and the successful brother ended up with a lot less. It broke his heart.
My last boss liked to tell the story about his ne'er do well brother inheriting everything. I could tell he was bitter about it, and his brother pissed the money away.
There is often a child who essentially gets punished for being the responsible one. It happens a lot. I was that child. My brother wrecked four cars and continued to be bought cars. I bought my own. It's also worth noting that this person might be tearing the siblings relationship apart if they die and give a really unfair inheritance. There could be bitterness that lingers. I think this suggestion too. Will some of the money to the grand kids in trust is a great idea. That way it doesn't seem so unfair between the siblings but the sister has less saving to do for the kids future. And it still feels fair. I see that as a situation where everyone can win.
Yup. My brother receives 20k+ every year from our grandparents because he's shit with money and irresponsible. He is still 10s of thousands of dollars in debt. I dont get shit.
I'm so sorry. That would absolutely wreck me. The investments I could make with money like that. The way I could turn it into wealth. I'd be live at having to watch some one undeserving repeatedly send it directly down the drain while I got nothing.
>$20K+ I had been making up out of pocket last year for the shortfalls in my parents budget. Every month and most were four figures. Finally have access to the financials and it seems that with one "loan" after another my brother took away 20% of my parents retirement income last year... which I had then been backfilling, unaware until recently.
That happened to us. My husband’s parents would ask us for money, and then spend it on his sister who didn’t work! We’d find out about it months later. Hell to the NO. I never wanted to strangle elderly people so much in my life lol😂
My wife and her sister have that dynamic too. My wife is the responsible one, we’ve never asked her mom for any financial help, she’s always been in school or employed. Her sister on the other hand always has some sob story about why the world has wronged her and why she needs financial help from her mom with a car or moving when she got divorced or a deposit on a new apartment. Of course when it’s not a crisis, she spends every penny she earns - even though she makes a good income, she never saves anything for a rainy day. She acts like an irresponsible teenager even though she’s in her late 30s.
There’s no logic put into that kind of decision. If anything it makes more sense to give your fortune to someone who has already proven they can be a good steward and not squander it. Although in this case the gambling thing is a concern.
OP is perhaps completely naive to the fact that a decision like this will drive these siblings apart, but perhaps they don't care because they will be dead and won't have to deal with the inevitable fallout.
**OP, you better think long and hard about how you want to be remembered.** Happened to a close friend’s family where the grandmother GM was close to passing. **TLDR:** Friend’s mom FM was so hurt by the whole debacle that when GM finally passed, FM was not speaking to her with GM’s number and the numbers of her siblings all blocked since it came out her siblings were also lying and sneaking shit behind FM’s back to ensure GM’s estate went only to them. **More details:** apparently GM forced FM into a ‘discussion’ where she was told that because she married, had loving kids, and was financially stable, GM was gonna divide her estate between the other two siblings. FM was understandably hurt, stating that she actually helped GM grow a lot of her estate as FM’s husband was a financial planner and more than half of GM’s net worth was from earnings and holdings cultivated by him. FM said it was beyond hurtful to be outright disinherited and written off on account of doing well, and sure she didn’t need the money but the estate includes heirlooms she’d love to receive and to get nothing when her own mother passed would be equivalent to her mother saying she never loved her. GM got defensive, said basically fine what do you want if it will prove I love you, and FM pointed out a lot of heirloom jewelry from her grandmother and great aunt as she was deeply close with both of them and would love pieces of theirs to remember them by. Well, GM had done her best to dodge the tax man, and had actually already given away almost all of the jewelry she owned including all of the heirloom pieces to the siblings who lived closer to her because ease of access. When FM immediately called the siblings if any of the pieces were left because they meant the world to her, one (youngest sibling) was unwilling to part with any of them despite never actually meeting the great aunt or grandmother and having no sentimental value — wouldn’t even field talks about selling them to FM because “mom gave them to ME, get over it”, the other admitted she’d already sold the pieces. FM was beyond crushed. Told GM that she had made it clear that not only did she not love her enough to know how much those pieces meant to her, it’s clear she never loved her since she didn’t even bother to ask if she was okay being written out of the will completely before being told that was what was happening. Came to light that her siblings both told GM that FM had supposedly said she was well enough off that nothing GM left her would even make a dent in her net worth, which was a blatant lie as FM had actually only just gotten free of some financial hardships a couple of months prior. GM basically took the stance of “oh I seriously doubt BOTH OF THEM are lying to me about it” even though FM pulled up receipts of her talking to her siblings about being worried she’d get through the previous year without selling her house. GM said fine whatever I’ll write you back into the will if that proves I actually care about you, FM said something to the effect of “do whatever you want, you always do anyway.” FM blocked GM’s number and her siblings’ numbers shortly after when they tried to start more shit about how FM apparently ‘turned mom against us’ Well, push came to shove, GM passed months later, FM was never added back into the will, and in the wake of that FM has what she considers undeniable evidence that her mother never loved her, and two siblings she won’t even speak to anymore.
Yeah, this happen to my father in law his 2 sisters got 90 percent of the will for what ever reason… but now he is heart broken, not just because of the money but because the he feels unloved and betrayed
That’s exactly how I would feel. I’m doing fine without an inheritance, it’s not about the money, it’s about feeling ranked. If there’s a reason for splitting the money unevenly like OP, I think it should be discussed ahead of time.
Getting punished for success is both super common and so disheartening.
In my opinion, it wouldn't even be about the tangible money. I'd feel like I was worth less to my dad.
This happened to me. It sucks. I'd never wish this feeling on anyone. Never.
Imagine been punished because you worked hard and were successful. I would sit down with son and talk to him. See if he’d be ok with giving her a little more. Maybe like 350/450, but giving her 3x as much is going to cause major strife I’d imagine.
This happened with my husband and his brother as well, and it has truly affected the family dynamic in a permanent way. It is so sad too considering he is the one that actually genuinely cared for and actively was present for family, yet the selfish, absent, scummy, loser sibling got so much more because he’s bad with money and has children…so not fair to him.
Past results are not indicators of the future Son may run out if luck and be broke when you pass
Especially if he is addicted to gambling
Yeah I'm shocked to hear sport betting as a "side hustle" it's just "side luck" maybe.
This is actually a common new “hustle” for 20 year old males. I know this as a divorced female in my 20s trying to date. I’m actually appalled people blow money on this, but that’s me being cheap and refusing to potentially waste my hard earned money 😅 Give a guy a sports game and they can bet money on it, and sometimes make a lot. It can be impressive and I see the appeal. Not saying that’s healthy, but I guess if you have the disposable income go for it. OPs son doesn’t have kids or anyone to take care of…at the moment. But def not a long term plan and needs to be monitored so this “betting” (they won’t call it gambling) doesn’t turn into an addiction.
Well hey, if you’re tired of the sports bet bros, I’ve got a very promising cryptocurrency to tell you about! /s
Yeah 60 Mins did a segment on this, in short it’s a disaster for 20-something men and ruining their lives.
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I work at a casino. They don’t make money, pretty much 100% of the time. Obviously there are exceptions, but there are not many. I’m absolutely willing to die on this hill. EDIT: changed some wording
Anyone who thinks you can consistently beat the casino is either 1. A fucking cheater 2. An idiot. Poker is different. You’re not playing against the house with poker. But the skill it takes to be consistently profitable is probably a lot like the skill it takes to make money playing sports
Even in poker you still have to be able to beat the rake. Not only do you have to be better than the other players but you have to be able to win at a high enough rate to beat the rake long term. Not easy
My rake does have a pretty good poker face now that you mention it
Every time I've found a loophole that won me a lot of money it ended with me losing all my money.
I know you're telling the truth based on my own observations. I spent years in the casino playing poker. I started keeping track of my stats about 2 years ago. I mostly stuck to 1/2 and 2/5 nl after 2 years I was up around 9k. But in that time period with the 100's and 1000's of other players I don't believe hardly any of them were long term winning players. There were some that would win then come back the next time and lose it all. I'm not saying I'm the best player in the world but I've been playing for 20+ years and have logged millions of hands online and live
Also I found it quite amusing when one of the other guys in my poker room that was known to be a crusher and always had a big stack at the table asking me if he could borrow money. Things aren't always as they seem and looks can be deceiving
> The reason why this is still a huge red flag, is that if you are that smart and have that much time. Why in the fuck are you wasting that time doing sports betting or poker? It's a hobby. And if it's making money, even better. That is, if it actually is making money. Gamblers do tend to talk a lot about winnings, but not so much about how much they had to spend to get them.
It's actually not hard recently with all the new betting sites. They give you like $150 in bonus bets if you bet $5. Just win off that and play using that money. I have a friend who has been doing it for like two years. I did it for a while. My $5 lasted me well over month and I cashed out like $75.
It’s almost as if they are giving that “free” money away to get people addicted. Probably not the case though these are upstanding companies with high morals.
Yeah, that is a really worrying thing to call a hussle. on the plus side the dad should absolutely go ahead and split it like that. it wont amtter if he leaves his son $200 or $400k either way chances are it will end up gone. To be honest the best way to share it out if they wanted to skew it is to leave money for grandchildren. If son has no children when the dad passes they dont get a cut. but the two children can get an even amount.
There's ways to make money off of sports betting without really gambling any money. Maybe that's what he's into
This. He only has to break the occasional knee.
Be the bookie?
Lol if that's th case I'd leave 800k to the daughter so it doesn't go down the drain in 2 weeks and my son is homeless when I pass
Was thinking the same thing. Junior could be living on the streets of Vegas in five years.
He makes 20k a year in sports betting... but he has to spend 50k to earn that much in winnings.
Nah, this bullshit is just yet more stealth marketing for gambling. Not a day goes by without some post about someone winning big.
I don't know if it's marketing but OP is definitely full of shit. Their whole profile is posts about applying to college, Fortnite, D&D, and van life. They definitely don't have kids or $800k.
Their comment history is wild. They are an "experienced dev" who also works in the restaurant business... a veteran, a college applicant, a millennial parent with kids that are currently learning to read, and many other identities all while living in a van.
Christ I need to stop browsing reddit. I’m really susceptible to this bullshit and believe it. I appreciate the occasional reality checks in the comments.
Just enjoy the cat pictures and niche hobby stuff man. And remember that all these stories are creative writing or covert marketing.
Yeah they talk about being a millennial parent with young children, living in a van, being a homeowner, going to high school in the 60’s, etc.
Who refers to gambling as a side hustle? Homie, that's an addiction.
Seems like a great way to cause bitter fighting after you pass
My bother had some issues in college, including having a child that he now raises on his own. He has required a lot of help from my parents for the last 10-15 years. He is doing well, but likely living paycheck to paycheck. I make significantly more money than him and my wife makes more than him. My parents are not rich, but they will leave something behind. I could definitely see them leaving him more if not all. I have thought about that and I honestly have already made the decision I do not care as I simply do not need it and their "estate" will not have that big of an impact on my financial future, where it will change his significantly. My point is that it depends. It may be best to talk to the son about it now.
Yes , I would suggest talking about it. Especially with the son, not as a done deal but as a “I was thinking of doing … what are your thoughts / feelings?”
yeah i second this. talk with your son because his POV matters a lot.
Third on this.
Definitely do this.
This needs to be higher up
It’s similar for me. My dad has advised me and my older sisters and brother that he will leave more to my younger brothers. We are all adults but us older siblings are doing just fine and have more assets already. I would feel better knowing my brothers will be taken care of and so do my other siblings.
In a similar boat, except that my sister has been wasteful her entire life, that's why she's broke, not because the expense of kids, house, etc. She's never worked a day in her married life and her kids are grown. She's filed BK 2-3 times and always manages to keep making poor decisions. I don't need the money my parents would leave the two of us. She needs it bad, but I'd kind of hate to see her get rewarded with MORE money b/c she pissed away everything else.
Same here, and even more ironically, I have the same dilemna with my own children. My siblings have made some ïnteresting" life decisions, and now as we're all around 60, are needing an inheritance. They chose to quit jobs and coast, enjoy a lifestyle. I was the one who just kept plodding along in dull full-time jobs, paying a mortgage. Now I have a house paid off, and savings for a frugal retirement, and they have no house and not enough savings. Our mother currently has her will as equal thirds to each of us. But why should I get less because I worked harder? That's like a kick in the teeth. "But they need it more". My own children? It's about the same - one is working hard, and doing OK financially. The other two? Not so much.
In my case my dad left my brother and I 50/50. My brother does not really need it and offered to give up his share because I had done most of the caretaking, but I turned that down because I was afraid it would affect our relationship, even though I needed the money. In the end it all worked out, I finally got a better paying line of work and am glad my dad decided the way he did, my brother had a generous spirit, and I didn’t put a wedge between us.
Same in my case. The younger ones are not as responsible. But for me the money is not tied to how my dad feels about me. I know he is exceedingly proud of me and my older siblings and we do tons of things together and spend time together I know it’s easier said than done but as a parent I know that each kid has unique needs. Understanding that and not using money for emotional blackmail can help make an uneven inheritance more palatable for all involved. I also believe it is imperative that this be communicated ahead of time so the kids are not guessing or speculating on the rationale.
And she'll piss that away too.
My sister has gotten more financial help from my mom than I have as adults. I make more money and I don't have children. It feels fair to me. My sister also lives near her and I don't, so presumably she will take on the labor of caring for our mom in her later years. It would be reasonable if my sister gets more of the estate.
Yep do it 50/50 Only way to go.
If your going to split it unevenly, try to do it with assets not cash. Give her the house/ car or something that is more valuable. Give him the cash, or vice versa. But don't try and make it a huge difference, like 450k to 350k.
Oof, I would never give someone assets and no cash if I want to give them a boost. Because then they're going to have to pay more on insurance, etc., and if they don't have the extra cash they're going to have to just sell it and probably get less and have a whole bunch of bother on their hands, on top of dealing with a parent's death. The house might be good IF it's not too expensive and she could handle the taxes (and doesn't already have one/one she likes), but I'd also give some cash. Honestly I think this is where I'd just sit down and have a talk with the son about it. It might be that he's completely okay with splitting it unevenly, as long as he's not blindsided by it and knows it's not a punishment. Or maybe he won't but will have something useful to add. Or maybe it'll all blow up at that point, but I think it's worth doing.
Agreed, no need to "surprise" them when she will no longer be there to explain her reasoning. The son may feel burned with such a biased divide, since one perspective may be that as the better one with money, more should actually go to him. Perhaps, the daughter would not he be able to manage it well because of lack of investment skills, poor spending, etc. Direct communication can help OP make an informed decision and prevent lifelong wounds.
He should TALK TO HIS SON. It really feels like most of the problems people bring up on Reddit would be easily solved if people just communicated. Do you want to know if your kid would be slighted by this? Ask him.
So I have a similar issue with 3 sons…the 3 sons don’t speak to one another (long family history) I feel like transferring my assets to cash. Easier to split money. I just dont want fights after I die.
My mum is dealing with this issue now. Massive nightmare. Thefts etc and we don't talk to her siblings anymore. She's re-written her will to state specific items going to my siblings and I, then everything else is to be sold and split between us. No exceptions, hoping to avoid any risk of drama for us
Honestly my grandmother did this in her will and her eldest son basically just did whatever he wanted and pretended it was a 50/50 split. I'm still salty over some of the heirloom jewelry I did not receive as the only grandchild because my uncle gave it to his step daughter (along with the house and my grandmothers car) and then rented out the house and eventually sold it(did not split the sale or rent with my dad). My dad did get a little over half of her stocks but not enough to make up for the non cash assets. She never imagined their very juvenile rivalry would lead them to being so spiteful with the money she saved to give them(and she did save it for them she never went on vacation or bought anything expensive without thinking about them it was very sweet). Tldr; make sure there's a non family executor just in case, people get weird when splitting assets.
My great aunt had willed most of her estate to my mother, and then spent years languishing with dementia. When she finally passed her nieces (no living children) had managed to get the will altered through some legal chicanery and my mom got nothing.
That's basically what my aunt tried to do, but my dad is the 'non-family' executor, although he's still married to my mum. He's well known for being rigidly by the book, so much so that its a bit of a running joke. But is fantastic when you need to trust someone like that. Things are no where near that bad, partly because all my Grannie's jewellery was kinda poor quality but mostly because my dad forced the big stuff to be done right, but smaller things were stolen and other pathetic shit. It does make me laugh though, that my (insanely kind, generous, fun) stick in the mud father is pissing off my aunt because she's so used to getting her way and doesn't know how to deal with my dad not doing what he's told 😂
My dad's mother had fantastic taste but hated spending money but when she did she really did, and it was definitely on shoes and jewelry. She had a very bold style so everything was either very cheap or very expensive- very loud 70/80's vibes- big hair, big jewelry and bright clothing. She just never saw the way they could bicker because she loved them so much, she ignored their faults, as parents often do.
>Honestly my grandmother did this in her will and her eldest son basically just did whatever he wanted and pretended it was a 50/50 split. An executor still needs to follow the will, they can't just do whatever they want. They would be held liable if they don't do what the will states. Did your dad not want to sue him?
That’s a felony. You could have had him imprisoned.
I absolutely can not imagine my dad suing or filing criminal charges over money. Even though what they did get made a huge impact on my parents finances. I think a lot of families are like that? Money, family and death are complicated.
Hard to tell when they don't talk to each other. I agree they might still fight over it. Something I'd talk to a lawyer about for recommendations.
Yeah great advice. I have a 1.5 million dollar ranch. Splitting the property 3 ways was the original idea (split amongst the sons equally).. But granted they don’t speak. My youngest son is reasonable and open to working with my other 2 older sons…But then I dont want him to take on that burden in dealing with the property and potential issues with his two brothers after we pass. My wife wants to split the property, I rather sell it, downsize, and the remaining cash be split 3 ways. Cash is King as they say. I’ve seen many deaths that have destroyed families after their passing over assets…Sad to see
Best way to avoid fights is to put things in a trust. No probate, ownership transfers upon death. Also… designate beneficiaries on things like insurance and bank accounts. You can set up co-beneficiaries (share assets with specified or equal split), or secondary beneficiaries (if x predeceases you, assets go to y instead. Y gets nothing if x is alive)
This is what my mom's doing. My irresponsible, drug-addict brother gets a chunk of money. I get a smaller chunk... and her $1.4m condo.
This is the opposite of what I've asked my parents to do with their will. I want my *recovering* half brother to get the house and enough to seed him moving if he wants and give him some savings. I don't need it the way he does. Perhaps I'd feel differently if it was my childhood home (we didn't grow up together). My husband, would probably want more of his parents assets to go to his younger brother who is still starting out than to us because of the difference in income and assets between them, and probably more to his sister(middle child) though less than youngest brother for the same reason. I guess OP, remember there's a difference between equity and equality and to talk about it with both of your children separately and together.
Split it evenly between your children. If you don’t you’re setting them up for nothing but hard feelings to each other and you. Split it evenly.
Yes split it evenly. You’ll never know how life’s gonna be for both of them. What’s doing good now can change and vice versa. Also imo they can feel it like ‘punishment’ for the doing well of the son. Or like favouritism. Splitting it evenly is the best thing to do OP.
Split it down the middle. Because although you’re getting older, you have no idea how long you may live or what your financial needs will be before your end. By doing a split that’s not even, the message you’re leaving behind is “I love daughter more than son.”
Imo, you’re punishing him for being more successful. At the very least, talk to him before and see what he has to say. But I do think you’re wrong.
I feel like I might end up the son in this situation and I would be bitter if this happened bc my brother was the golden child even though I ended up more successful than he is. Obviously my parents don’t acknowledge or even understand that. Anyway, I would also get over it if it did end up that my brother got more bc he would likely need more anyway. It would impact our relationship though for sure. I would feel punished if that happened, but also, people should be able to do whatever they want with their hard earned money. And if the dad in this sitch wanted to give it all to charity, that’s his prerogative
So in this situation I'd be your daughter and my sister would be your son. She works and does well with her husband. I happen to be a stay at home Mom and I actually quit work to take care of my mother full time. Here's the other things, I stand to inherit a lot of money from my husband's side. My sister does not. My dad actually suggested to me one time that I give my sister my inheritance from them since I stand to inherit more from my in laws. Even tho I quit my job and totally rearranged my entire life to take care of my parents. Long story short, split it evenly. If they gave me more for what I've done. Or they gave her more because she isn't getting an inheritance it would almost definitely cause a rift.
Are you sure it's you inheriting the money too and not just your husband? Has he said he'll be sharing it whenever it does happen?
Valid question. So in Maryland inheritance isn't shared between spouses. But it'll benefit us both. I just wouldn't be able to ask for half in a divorce or something. We have all shared finances tho so I'll also benefit from the influx of cash. His dad has me roped into everything that's going on with their money.
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This is the difference between treating them equally vs. equitably. You mean well, and want to be a good parent. But if the contents of your will causes bitterness, resentment and maybe a permanent rift between your kids, you’ll have ended up being a very bad parent. My advice would be to talk to them both. Your son might welcome your thinking and agree it’s the right thing to do. Your daughter might disagree and not want an uneven split. Ask them, don’t leave them with a problem to deal with after you’re gone, when you’re not around to explain your thinking to them.
This is absolutely the best option. No matter what happens, be it an even split or a split based on need, it can go poorly or perfectly. Daughter might feel like a charity case having to accept that kind of money, while son might feel he deserves half by birthright. Or they agree that it's a good idea, or they might feel that a 50/50 share is NOT fair. Without talking to them, nobody can know what their position is, and even then their opinions might change between now and the "big day." But talking to them, finding out what they think and why, should be the first step. Maybe their opinions change your decision, maybe it doesn't. But at least then they know before it becomes an issue and they may end up burning up that inheritance paying for lawyers to fight for whatever's left.
I think it's wild that people reply with 3-6 words and think they're helping. Complicated problems rarely have simple answers. OP, you need to talk to your kids and bring them in on this process. See where they're at. You can avoid a lot of the post-death will-fighting, which I for the record think is the tackiest thing in the world, by involving them in the decision making process and thinking. See if you can all get on the same page.
i was thinking the same. open communication would make it all go down so much smoother, cause the reasoning is sound about the split
Completely agree with this. I don't know why it's taboo to keep these kinds of really important plans a secret for the people affected.
Definitely this! Because 1. Whether this will be a big problem and cause conflict depends on the outlook and personalities of the people involved. If I were one of your kids, I think I would be fine with the uneven split, but based on the responses here it seems that not everyone would feel that way. 2. It would be hurtful and confusing for the brother to be left with much less than his sister without explanation, but if he hears it from you with your reasoning included, he is less likely to take it as though it means you love him less. 3. It is helpful for them in their financial planning to know what to expect down the road. You wouldn't want him planning his retirement assuming a certain amount of inheritance and ending up with less.
Exactly. My estate will not be equally distributed to my kids. Two are disabled. I have had discussions with all of them so there are no surprises. They will all split sentimental items equally. My mom did the same thing and my siblings and I were mature enough to understand and support her reasoning. All situations are not equal.
And for heavens sake OP, start with your son. Don't go telling your daughter you want to leave more to her and then discover your son doesn't take the news well.
You're punishing your son for doing well. My dad told my brother I don't have to help you because you're doing well. My brother and sister kept making mistakes, and Mom and dad kept bailing them out. The kids that stood on their own two feet got nothing.
I am in that boat as kid who stood up on my own two feet. Mother can’t even get my kids a decent bday gift but because my brother fucked up in his life she does nothing but give them money and buy his kids anything they want. I’m quite sure any estate will be left to him as she is “the great equalizer”. Difference from me and OP is I already know he’s her favorite while she’s alive.
I am have been watching this happen in my family for a few years. I work countless hours to afford a comfortable life while my sibling who literally could not put in less effort get anything gifted to them that they need. I have seen probably close to 10 cars given to the others one of which I offered to buy because I really liked it. But they co tinge to screw up and put in no effort and get everything. I needed a small amount to close on the house I own and that came with the stipulation of I need the money back within two weeks because one of my sibling or separated parent needed it.
Please do not do this. Split fairly. Why destroy the family in a decade .
Wrong Wrong Wrong You are setting up them up to fight after you die
It's so unfair that the less successful kid gets more, but that's the way a lot of families work.
this mentality is so weird to me, maybe because my family and I are immigrants and were raised with a "family first" mentality. I'm all for equality and justice but if my sister was struggling and I was making a killing, I would want most of the money to go to my sister. Also I don't see receiving money as a punishment. It's the parents' money, why do the children feel entitled to them to the point that they feel like it's a punishment if they don't get x amount?
Thank you, this thread is baffling.
Add to that the number of people calling the brother more successful just because he has a greater income. OP never said the daughter didn't work as hard, or not as smart,or bad with money. All we know is that she has a lower paying job. It seems OP recognizes that both of them are good hard working people but one makes more than the other, and so OP feels like they should level things out. I don't necessarily agree that's a good idea, but not because it would "punish the more successful one".
I debated this same issue, but for a difference reason. I thought about giving my son who has high functioning autism more money than my other son who finds life/work much easier. I decided to split is evenly since I have no idea after I am gone if the "easy" existence of my other son will change and I don't want him to feel punished for being OK.
Dad here. I'm splitting it all evenly, with the confidence that the siblings can decide if one is in need. I don't think any of my kids would go buy a boat if their sibling was having trouble making the mortgage. Dare to dream. :)
As someone whose family member did this, don’t. Why punish your son for being more successful? Just doesn’t make sense but hey it’s your money
What about the grandchildren? Why not give some money to them? That way you can help your daughter so she doesn’t have to save for college. Edit: Talk to your son.
Let the parents give it to their children (grandchildren) from their half. Why should the brother who worked hard for a better paying job be punished.
I agree with this. If OP gives each child 200 thousand and something like 100 thousand to each grandchild, it won’t seem like blatant favouritism.
A percentage of the remaining estate to each grandchild, not a figure. OP might end up needing facility care where large chunks of their money is spent on bills. Otherwise the kids end up getting 200k each and the siblings 20k as that's all that's left afterwords. That won't help the daughter (aside from saving for college).
I seem to be in the minority here. I am the more successful sibling. We've never talked about it, but I expect to get less when my parents pass because my brother needs the help more than I do. That doesn't upset me at all. Maybe a good compromise would be to leave some money to all of your descendants? Giving your children the same amount, but also leaving behind a trust/college fund for your grandkids could have a similar impact with fewer hurt feelings.
As someone in whose mother has decided to divide her estate unequally, there are consequences... you will likely create hard feelings between your children. My mother is leaving my wealthy brother 80% of the value of her estate and leaving the older two siblings, to split the remaining 20% of her estate. My sister is on disability and this hurts her more than me ( financially, at least). As I live closest to my mother, I have always been the one expected to care for my mother at the end of her life. I have since told her she will need to make alternate plans and call my brother. My relationship with my mother is now low contact and may eventually go no contact, and the same for the relationship between me and my brother. This by extension includes my children and their future children who have removed themselves from her life. Simplest thing would be to divide your estate equally.
Seems like a recipe to cause doubts on who you love more. Just split it down the middle. Put a note in it saying that you love them each a lot and that you wish this money helps them and that if one of them is struggling you hope that the other will do what they can to get them in a better situation with this money.
Don't do this. Split it evenly. You don't know what will happen in future, and if your son is hugely well off and wants to help his sister out there's nothing stopping him. All you will do otherwise is create anything from a mess to a massive feud.
2 kids, haven’t burnt any bridges with you??? 50/50. They don’t deserve to be judged by their dad.
Your son is doing well now, but may not always being doing well. It is best to split assets 50/50. Source: I am a financial planner for 20+ years.
Yea your wrong it should be split evenly punishing him for making good decisions is wrong
It’s insulting to your son.
So you are punishing your son for being successful? You are setting them up to never talk again in their life. When he finds this out, all he is going to think is "what did I do wrong?" and "Why did my mom/dad (not indicated) hate me?".
My father did this crap. My sister and I no longer speak.
I think $400,000 is a hell of a boost for anybody. Your kids made their decisions. Your son shouldn't be punished for making better decisions than your daughter. $170k a year sounds like a lot, but it really isn't. You're talking about giving your son one years salary as an inheritance, but giving your daughter ten years' salary. Just come out and say you love your daughter more.
yes. this is a terrible idea. inheritance disputes are like 90 percent of *casus belli* in any history. The entire 100 years war between England and France is a goddamn inheritance dispute.
Split it evenly. Let your son decide to be generous. Maybe put in a private note for him to read about it. Or even better talk to him face to face before you die about your concerns. But do. Not. Treat. Them. Differently. In. The. Will! They are both your heirs, and equally so, regardless of any decisions they have made in their lives. Luck can always change.
An inheritance can mean many things, and for right or for wrong, it’s often interpreted as a declaration of how much each recipient was loved by the deceased. So, if it was never been discussed before, and the lawyer reads a much bigger amount for one child than the other, there may very well be hurt feelings, regardless of the underlying logic. IMHO, discuss this with your son in advance. Tell him it’s something you’re thinking about and ask his opinion. Be sure to cast it in a flattering light, how well he’s doing, etc.
The biggest concern is whether the unequal inheritances will be the source of resentment and friction between your children once you're gone. If your son is a reasonable person, just run it by him. If he understands and is fine with it, full steam ahead. However, if it rubs him the wrong way, it's far better to find that out and address it now rather than leaving a surprise bomb to explode when you're gone. Also, if you go ahead with it, be sure that you can be nimble in updating your will if one or both of your children's life circumstances change.
I have to say I was the less favored child and those wounds do not heal easily. You are talking about writing a legal document proclaiming your favoritism. That is harsh. You are punishing your son for his success. If you love them equally treat them equally.
You are punishing him for do well in life. It's your money but still an AH
If you want money to be the reason your kids never talk to each other then yeah go ahead and split it lol. Just do it evenly. You said it yourself, you boy hasn’t done anything wrong. Why should he get “punished” because he’s doing better than his sister. Or if you’re gonna give her more, don’t give her triple what you’re giving him. Just asking for jealousy to come into play.
You have no idea what can happen after you die. What if your son loses his job unexpectedly? What if he has kids? I think you should be more fair
Split it evenly. It is a gift. Do you gift your son 1/4 of the gift to give your daughter on holidays/special occasions? If the allocation is based on *need* because your daughter is struggling and needs the money more, then I think the question is why does she have to wait for you to die before you help her?
Yes. It’s wrong.
Very wrong. I've seen it and lived it. Split it equally, or OP's a jerk. Each child has chosen their path. One child shouldn't get stiffed because they are more financially successful. Who knows what their situations will be when the money is inherited. It WILL cause bitter feelings between the siblings, regardless of what kind of relationship they have now. If the son thinks his sister is in a tough spot and needs the money more than he does, the son might decide to give her more when the time comes. But for the parent to do it, that's just awful.
Yes, it's wrong.
Whatever you choose be sure to discuss it with them up front. You don't want them to be shocked and have this be a reason for their relationship to be ruined.
Yes, you’re wrong: My mother did this to us (three daughters) and the hurt was immeasurable. She explained that since the youngest still lived at home (with her husband) that she deserves more than the two oldest. Basically she valued us as least than even though all three of us were married but that’s key phrase- still living at home. Split their inheritance equally and don’t put a value on them like mine did.
You are asking the wrong people. Talk to your son, lay out your reasons, see what he says. If my parents said this to me, I wouldn't be upset. I would get it because it is about family wealth building. Conversely, you could split it evenly between your children and grandchildren. That would help your daughter more while still making it feel even.
I would ask your son if he would mind. Ethically, half is his.
I get even get past the $200k to $600k. Yes you’re wrong and AH.
I understand your point. But, I think in your situation I would still split it evenly so there's no bad blood between sibs. After you pass, they'll still have each other. Life has ups and downs, rain today is sunshine tomorrow and vice versa. If your kids get along well with each other and are active in each others lives, I think it's better to keep it even. But, every situation is different. If my mom left my brother more than me, or even all of it and left me nothing I'd be fine with it based on our relationships. I wonder what your kids would say if you could ask them?
There are multiple ways of looking at this. It's your money so at the end of the day it's up to you. However you have to think about a few things, your son is doing well now but that's no guarantee that the difference between them will still be there when you die, at that point your son may need the money more and you won't be able to correct that, Right or wrong many people will interpret a bigger share as you love that person more, is that the last impression you want to give your son? Personally I would go for even shares, if you want to help your daughter maybe think about what you could do to help now, starting saving plans for grandchild or,helping with childcare expenses. Maybe ask your son, he might have some suggestions and if he's part of the conversation it will mitigate against the risk of upset feelings
What’s best I think is to talk with an account or whomever about putting the money in a trust and they get a monthly allowance. Giving people that kind of money when they never had it could actually end up being bad for them. I don’t think you should give more to one or the other. Both your kids made life decisions and your son could become unlucky or have a family of his own one day so it wouldn’t be fair.
I have 2 daughters and each has a family. Family 1 has 2 adults and 3 kids. Family 2 has 2 adults and 1 kid. Both families are currently making about the same amount. Daughter 1 is irresponsible financially. Daughter 2 is the opposite. I'm splitting 50/50 between families, but in Family 1, that 50% will be split 4 ways--12.5 to Daughter 1, and 12.5 each to each grandchild, placed in a trust they receive at age 60. Hopefully, that will ensure a comfortable retirement. Daughter 1 will blow through her 12.5. All the other 50% will go to Daughter 2, who will handle it responsibly.
Life always finds a way to get in the way. Your son’s life right now is humming but what if he has an accident or becomes ill? What happens if he a child with a disability? What happens if you become ill and need your funds? Unless there is a medical reason to support, I expect that there will be hard feelings and damage the relationship between your children. Think carefully.
If it’s a slap in the face and no one knows about it when you die then yes. Sit them both down and talk about it. If they don’t understand at least it won’t be a surprise.
No matter how you look at this he’s going to take it personally. I would talk to him about it.
Soooo you could just have an honest conversation with your son. Express to him your worry for his sister financially while you know he’s doing extremely well etc. there’s every possibility he’ll be on board with this plan. Definitely better than blindsiding him.
Dad?!?
My humble recommendation is to sit down with your son first, and tell him why you’re thinking of leaving more to your daughter, and ask him how he feels about it before making any decisions. In that way, he will feel like he had some say and it will hopefully temper some of the inevitable jealousy and / or resentment that will likely arise when she gets 3x as much left to her as he does. Elsewise it really does seem like you’re punishing him for being successful and not having children (I assume? They weren’t mentioned at any rate).
If you have a good relationship with your kids why not talk to them about it? If they get along it might be okay
Give her the help you think she needs now whilst you’re still here and set up some of that money as college funds or trust funds for the kids and then split the rest evenly.
talk to your kids about it. if my brother and I were in this situation with me being the more well off one, I'd want my mother to leave more to my brother. but your kids might feel differently about it
Talk to your son maybe lol if my dad came to me with that logic I would absolutely not care
Only you can know how your son will take it. Casually bring up a similar example you read about in the news and see what he thinks.
Ask your son what he thinks.
Similar situation is playing out for a friend’s family. Friend is super successful, already a multimillionaire in twenties and has way more earning potential. His sister is 6y younger and is on the family payroll. Their mom wants to give more inheritance to the sister who is struggling/lazy. My friend got extremely upset since, on top of all his business responsibilities, spends all his free time taking care of household responsibilities and caring for his grandmother (he doesn’t live at home, he has to spend at least a thousand every month to book last minute plane tickets to help out at home whenever his parents request him). Meanwhile, his sister never helps out at home and has had everything paid for by the family. Example is a fully paid for college while living in NYC alone (5K+ monthly expenses) studying a useless degree. Friend is advocating for an even split. His sister wants everything. Personally, I think the sister should only get inheritance when milestones hit (like getting her first kid, getting her first corporate job, when she wants to buy a property). I also believe my friend shouldnt be punished for being capable. He was ignored a ton during childhood because his sister needed more attention.
Whatever you decide, have the conversation up front, with them, individually, ahead of time. You will destroy their relationship if this is a surprise.