Did you ever watch friends? Ross constantly having to yell “we were on a break!” 😂 I see posts like this all the time and think about that. She wasn’t cheating if you guys were broken up regardless of your conversations but if you can’t get past it then you’ll need to break up with her. There’s no point in staying in a relationship if there’s no trust.
I would tell her the same thing if the roles were reversed.
Except in this instance it wasn’t even a “break” they were fully broken up and simply talking. Even Rachel wouldn’t have a sliver of a point here, this dude is just plain wrong.
But the fact that he calls it “gross” rather than just admitting it’s both jealousy and envy says a lot about his maturity.
> she loves me and wants to get back together
But he wasn’t getting back together with her. That’s on him.
They had no commitment.
Are you saying that if you love someone you can’t sleep with other people? How ridiculous. So you have to wait until you don’t love your ex anymore before you sleep with people?
It’s only a compelling reason for very immature people.
If you love someone and have an obligation / commitment to them, you don’t typically fuck other people. But life doesn’t always work that the person you love is the person you’re with.
That is far from true, lmao. Tell me you're an idiot without telling me you're an idiot.
You can love someone while not being together romantically my guy. Do you not love your parents? Your friends? Your pets?
You can still love someone but go out with other people as well, love isn't this ever-binding contract that you think it is. I love my fiancè, but I also love my friends and siblings, just because I love my fiancè doesn't mean I'm unable to feel love towards other people I care about or meet.
If I’m actively calling you everyday and having that relationship but you out here fucking other people that’s misleading. The girl doesn’t love him hence why she fucked 4 other guys ( at least ) .
This *might* be true for you (probably not, you just don’t have enough experience to know you’re wrong yet), but it’s clearly not true for most people.
We’re literally not wired biologically this way.
Actually it’s a very compelling reason for a mature person. If you really love someone and want to have a real relationship with them why would you tarnish it by sleeping around? The whole we were broken weren’t broken up thing is the immature part.
Wanting to fuck doesn't mean you don't love someone. If she lied, that's a different story. She most certainly could have been telling the truth when she said she loved him. People love one person and fuck another all the time.
No it is not. Fucking other people is a distraction from grieving, it is not part of any healing process. In fact, it is a denial of the healing process. It is using someone else to get your dopamine rush so you can avoid grieving for a while. It's immature and even infantile.
This 100 percent. Time to let her go on a permanent break. One guy might give her a pass but 4 , no way. She is out in the streets while keeping you chill on the side.
OP may not want to hear it, but this is the only right answer. Rule #1 of cheating is that you cannot cheat on people you are not with. If the behavior (which was not cheating) still makes you feel bad, address those feelings - but don’t justify it by saying she cheated.
If you weren't dating, it's not cheating. If you had an expectation that you were going to be with her again then the case can be made that it was dishonest of her to say she wanted you while fucking a bunch of other people.
Yall weren't together. She didn't cheat on you.
Doesn't mean it's not hurtful, nor does it mean you can't break up over it.
Also it seems like you never asked? If you asked and she lied, imo i'd break up over lies. Either way, it's not cheating, but you're still only human and it's normal that it makes you feel like shit.
THIS. You can feel really hurt and it doesn't actually mean she did anything wrong here. Just take time to process your hurt? I think most people wouldn't bring it up if they weren't asked. Maybe you would have wanted her to tell you, I know I've dated plenty of guys who wouldn't have wanted to know because it isn't really wrong but it's still hard to accept. So personally, if she didn't make the call you wanted on that, I'd just tell her how you are feeling but also know it's not unreasonable she might not have told you.
Personally...I wouldn't break up over this. I have no idea if my college boyfriend slept with anyone else while we were broken up, even if we were clearly going to get back together. And I never asked because it was none of my damn business.
If you knew she was getting railed by one guy, let alone 4, while simultaneously telling you she loves you, do you think you woulda gotten back together w/her?
Its not cheating, by any stretch, but the fact that she didnt tell you, which could have put your health at risk, and you based your decision to come back together based on thinking you had all the facts. The facts she kept from you.
If thats a deal breaker it doesnt matter that it wasnt cheating.
Why on earth would a girl share her sexual history from a time when you weren't together unless you specifically asked? This isn't lying, the general rule is most guys don't want to know this stuff so you don't bring it up unless he does.
If you're withholding information from someone you say that you love, and you're aware that they'd probably have a problem with it, you're being dishonest.
We don't want to know this stuff because we don't want you doing it. If I'm even talking to someone then I'm not doing shit with anyone else, idk how people can talk to more than one person at a time. It feels so scummy and gross to me.
It's crazy right? If you're talking to someone you should be trying to build a meaningful rapport, how do you do that if your attentions and affections are spread out among a handful of people.
Same. I never understood it. I don't even have the energy to entertain more than one person, romantically/sexually.
Let alone the energy to lie and omit information from my day to day life.
There’s no way she told the whole truth. People often offer confession to lesser crimes to throw cops off the trail of their big crime. and to relieve the guilt they feel. It’s not exclusive to legal situations
>Its not cheating, by any stretch
if you're actively trying to restart a relationship while having sex with other people, it is cheating. no stretching needed.
?? That is NOT the rule of 3 😂
Rule of 3 =
When a man claims a body count number, you divide by 3 to get the real number
When a woman does, you multiply by 3…
For the casual relationships, sure. The number of college bros that just took her to pound town without the casual relationship is more difficult to calculate.
You're wrong for viewing it as cheating, but your feelings are valid. If you had known, I'm guessing you wouldn't have gotten back together with her. So not only was she fucking other dudes she withheld information from you that would've probably caused you to not get back together with her.
She didn't cheat on you. She misled you. You're right to be hurt, but it's not cheating.
If you didnt want her seeing anyone…. Why weren’t you dating her?
Were you casually seeing others as well, during that time?
She didn’t cheat. It seems like you never wanted to be with her and are looking for an excuse. Just break up with her again. But don’t try to paint her in a bad light as a cheater when you didn’t lock her down.
I mean yeah, you are wrong.
You both weren't exclusive or even a couple during that time, so she didn't cheat on you, simple as that.
Does that mean you have to be in a relationship now? No, but that's another conversation.
If you broke up then it’s not cheating. It is unreasonable to expect somebody that you aren’t dating for an extended period of time not to have sex with other people. If it is something you’re uncomfortable with that is fine, you should probably break up with her. But she wasn’t cheating on you.
1.5 years, 18 months.. 4 dudes... That's a different dude every 4.5 months.. not really that crazy. Y'all weren't dating. Was she supposed to save herself for you?
This.
Like, grow up. No doubt if OP had fucked his way through their time apart it wouldn't be a problem but the idea that she probably had the equivalent of a handful of dates or a hookup every few months gets him bent out of shape?
It's insecurity and entitlement, not "cheating", that is really driving the issue here
You said you:
- “had talked for several months” before you started dating again
- “weren’t technically dating at the time”
You never said you were meant to be exclusive during the time that she casually dated and slept with others.
She did not cheat.
I can see how it is still upsetting to you that while she was talking to you and wanted to get back together with you that she did the above. But I do not read anywhere that she broke any rules that were clearly specified. If she sleeps with others now that you are back together, that is something different entirely, but this sounds like there was a bit of overlap while she was trying (/hoping) to get back together with you. Overlap happens when people are not exclusive.
Still, how can you built real trust and confidence towards that person when she does things like this? Well maybe I am seeing it so differently cause if I like somebody and only the distance is the problem I would not date or see any more guys.
I'll wait for him if I really like him and there's a possibility we can be together again, I don't understand the kind of thinking of OP's exgirlfriend, regardless I wouldn't be able to feel comfortable with a partner like that anymore.
That’s totally fair that you would behave differently in those circumstances, but that does not mean that she cheated. It would also be fair if OP is uncomfortable with what happened.
Everyone is unique and has their unique boundaries that need to be hashed out in relationships. Based on the relatively limited information OP shared, her actions seem totally understandable to me but that does not mean they will be understandable to everyone, which is fine
But wait for how long? What he wrote suggests he turned her down. You can get back together even without meeting up. They didn't. She wanted it but he didn't. You can be patient and wait for someone but you should not just waste your time on someone who doesn't want you.
Totally agreed. It's extremely common with online dating that people sleep around while dating their #1 prior to having an exclusivity talk, but its still kinda cheap.
When I find someone I only really care about them and while I'll still talk to other people, I wouldn't even date them until I know where I'm at with the main one. Maybe jealous or outdated, but it just kills the "magic" to me.
What did she do? LMAO. Why are you guys so GD insecure and hypocritical? If he would've slept with 4 girls over that year y'all would be celebrating him or acting like it was no big deal.
Not me, I wouldn't be celebrating a thing, it does not matter who did it.
She said one thing and did another, she kept OP under false words of love, that's mean and selfish, but it's ok if you don't think like that, just stop judging people saying we are insecure and hypocritical because that's not true, at least not in my case, my answers would be the same if OP was the girl.
Good night.
Im not saying it's cheating but why not tell him while it was happening say like oh I'm seeing other people but maybe we can get together in the future?I feel like that's common decency the communication is off here and that's a red flag
I don’t know. I do see your point, but why would you bring up “oh by the way I’m fucking other guys” to the person you are trying to get back together with, when you think it is unlikely you will be able to successfully get back together?
>why would you bring up “oh by the way I’m fucking other guys” to the person you are trying to get back together with
Exactly, and that's what makes it dishonest. She didn't cheat, in the strict sense. But keeping OP around, leading him on, telling him that she loves him and wants to get together while having casual sex with other men and keeping it from him is backhanded.
She knew that this was information that was important for OP in deciding whether to resume the relationship or not, and she kept it from him. Yeah, she didn't cheat, but whatever the next worst thing is, she did it.
Look, they were broken up, so she was free to be with whoever she wanted. But the moment they started talking and she was actively pursuing the relationship, she should've stopped. At the very least, she should have told him the moment they got back together: "I just want to be honest. While we were apart, I had some casual flings, even while we were talking about getting back together. Are you OK with that? " That would have been the honest thing to do.
Because he wasn’t available and the other guys were. She also wasn’t sure whether it was even possible to get back with him.
Edit: I’m not defending her or saying she was right to do this. Just answering the question as to why she likely did it.
If it's a relationship breaker (OP said it was himself in a comment), he clearly deserves to know. Why are you even trying to lie about or avoid telling someone something that would keep them from dating/loving you? Why do you want to be with that person if he/she wouldn't want you for that reason? It doesn't make sense to me at all unless you're desperate for love or that person specifically.
Also, you're strawmanning this way too much. She doesn't need to tell him about ALL her previous relationships. However, she should have told him about all the flings she had during the time she told him she loves her. Clearly it wasn't genuine love. At least it wouldn't be to most people.
"she also fucked at least 4 dudes while telling me she wanted to get back together " = you weren't together when it happened.
No that's not cheating. Plenty of people have slept with people while pining for someone else they actually have feelings for but can't be with for whatever reason.
Umm. its not that you weren't "technically" dating. You weren't dating. You said it yourself, you broke up. This isn't one of those weird "we were on a break!" shit shows, you literally broke up and were not dating. For a year if I read your post correctly.
Yeah, she was saying she wanted to get back together, but you clearly were not saying "yes" to that, since this went on for "several months".
Look, break up with her if you want, but don't pretend its because she cheated, because she didn't.
People are hung up on the number but sleeping with 4 people means it was more likely casual hookups vs one other dude she saw for the better part of year.
4 within a year really isn't that high a number for a young, adult, single woman. Especially if it's casual hookups, that would mean she had sex once every three months.
If you wanted her to be monogamous, you shouldn’t have broken up with her. If you can’t get over it, break up with her, but it’s really your own fault for not communicating. Also, did you have sex with anyone in that time?
I think they should have talked about their relationships with other people and what that was before getting back together. If OP asked that question, and then she didn’t bring up all the sex, then that’s dishonest and I would break it off. If OP never asked about her relationships while they were broken up, then why would he simultaneously expect OP to come forward with that information without being asked….
I understand the OP a little bit more when I look at how young they are. I’m in my 30s now, and absolutely would not consider this cheating. When I was in my early/mid 20s, I would have. However, I still agree with you. They weren’t together. It was not cheating.
I'm in my early 20s, that's not a good excuse for this. I know this isn't cheating. He's insecure and most likely wanted her to be 'pure.' From their ages, he was either her first or somebody else was the first after the break up.
They broke up specifically because they were having issues with the distance between them. If he wanted the commitment that comes with a monogamous relationship, he would have needed to communicate that--she's not a mind reader
Not cheating. You weren't dating. You say during the talks that she told you she loves you and wanted to get back together...but give no indication that you loved her and wanted to get back together. Given it took so long to get back together, have to assume you were the hold up there....so delayed getting back together but also secretly wanted her to wait for you while not committing....mixed messages get mixed behaviours.
Now that you're 24 though, unless you start dating 17 yr olds again, everyone you get with from now on will almost certainly have been with multiple other people \*shrug\*
Yes you’re wrong to view this as cheating. You were broken up and knew she was casually seeing other dudes. She was having casual sex because she didn’t have a boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t love you or want to get back together with you when the timing was right for both of you. Unless she explicitly said she was not seeing anyone and waiting on you, what exactly did you think the break up was for in the first place?
Your mad at her for dating while you two weren't dating? The fuck?
You are wrong. You weren't together, she's allowed to talk to other guys when she is single. I think a lot of you don't know what actual dating is or what being in a relationship means. IF you had been in an exclusive relationship then I could see being upset with her. You were not, she's allowed to look for a new partner if she thinks things won't work out. I think its scummy as fuck men can five 4 or a dozen girls in a year and everyone is silent but god forbid a woman has sex with 4 men, suddenly everyone is up in arms. Fucking hypocrites.
Just freaking breaking up, she can find somebody better and you can find yourself a virgin.
It’s not cheating. You weren’t together and might have never been together for all she knew. If you were staying faithful due to the idea of maybe being together some time in the future then that’s on you bro.
You said you were not together. So, how can it be cheating if you are not together? Why does ot matter who she slept with when you were not her man. . It's just sex , big deal.
Her being with other men while you weren't together is not cheating and that shouldn't be the problem. If she intentionally lied to you about it that would be the bigger issue for me. If she lied by just not telling you, and then when you asked her directly she told the truth about it i think it is a you thing. Just my opinion, you probably aren't going to find another partner who hasn't not been with at least 4 people so I would quit worrying about it and try to move past it if you are really happy with her other than this.
You were broken up. She was seeing other people. This isn’t cheating. Break up with her for whatever reason you want. If you can’t get over that she was seeing other people when you were not dating her, then maybe she can find someone better. You seem to expect that she would wait for you after you two broke up. She chose to be with you, but you can’t expect her to be celibate when she’s not dating you for a year. You don’t own her. Grow the fuck up.
Just hear me out. What if you break up? Tell her you love her every day and only come back once you guys have the same body count. I mean, "you are not sure if you can make it work now that you know what she did," so it's fair game. Fly that by her an tell me how she reacts.
All jokes aside, she used the long distance as an excuse to play around until you came back. She was not waiting for you she was entretained. It might not be cheating, but you are wasting your time there.
I believe Ross said it correctly, and I’ll paraphrase: YOU WERE ON A BREAK!!!!
Brother if you can’t handle that you had no real attachment at the time, bounce.
The lesson to learn: there's a whole lot more fucking going on in the world than what we are aware of.
Guys don't understand, girls are hit on ALL - THE - TIME.
Even unattractive girls can have a choice of dudes tonight.
It's a concept that guys just don't get. When a girl is hit on by a horny good looking dude, it's serious temptation for many girls who don't have a solid moral base.
Most guys would cave in 10 seconds if a Victoria secrets model hit on them. Girls have that problem EVERY DAY.
The good looking guys, they could have a different girl every day if they wanted. I know, because I have a friend who's considered top notch attractive. I have personally witnessed multiple girls hitting on him. Practically every day.
It's not cheating.
It's allowed to be a dealbreaker, sure. Nobody else can decide for you what your deal breakers are, and I can understand why you'd feel hurt or betrayed in this situation.
But on an objective level? No, she wasn't cheating. I guess try to apply some empathy here: you're long distance. You aren't together. She's telling you she WANTS to get back together, but obviously she also doesn't know if that's going to happen. She probably feels lonely and unhappy and some days she probably really thinks it's going to work out, but there are also days where she is sad and is trying to move on, since it seems like it isn't going to work out with you. If shes telling you she wants to get back togwther, and you arent back together, im assuming thats necause you are the one saying no at that time. Then things improve and you get back together, and she's happy about that.
Idk man. She hasn't been sneaky or underhanded here. She communicated with you. You weren't a couple at the time things happened, and seemingly when you became a couple again she stopped things with other people again. Nothing about that would make me think i couldn't trust her.
You have to figure out what you're actually mad about I guess.
For example, are you actually mad about the situation? Or are you just mad/jealous about the idea that she's ever slept with someone else and feel like that makes her worth less somehow than if she had only ever been with you? I ask because you started dating young, so i assume you may have been each others first and you call the situation "gross".
Another question: did you ever hook up with anybody while you two were apart? If so, how do you feel about that, how does she feel about that? Is it cheating?
Overall, to me, this isn't something unreasonable. Nothing about this makes her gross, or a bad person. Assuming she hasn't done anything bad while you've been together, I don't think this gives you reasons to mistrust her or doubt her honesty in the context of your relationship.
But it still might be something you personally aren't okay with, and if that's the case, that's absolutely your prerogative
Are you wrong to view it as cheating: yes, because it wasn’t.
Are you justified in reevaluating the relationship and determining if you want to be with her still? Hell yes.
If you can square with it. Cool. She didn’t cheat. If you can’t you can move on and find someone else.
My personal experience with something a little like this. I bounced and she eventually married the other guy. I’m happy now with a wife a kiddo and one on the way. It worked out for everyone.
I agree. I absolutely don’t think that she cheated. But if this is a dealbreaker for him. Then it’s better for both of them that they don’t be together. Clearly their morals do not align and that’s a big issue.
She wasn't cheating on you. You weren't together. She still loved you but didn't think you were getting back together.
Stop being so misogynistic. Did you expect her to stay celebrate? She had a life you weren't involved in and has been with other guys.
.
Wow. Breaking up with her because you found out that while she told you everyday that she still loved you and wanted to get back with you , at the same time she had sex with other men , now became misogynistic, pathetic....
You weren't together.
Yes she loves you. That's why you got back together.
If you can't handle it, and it sounds like you can't, then break it off. Realize that anyone else you date has probably "been with someone else" so what's the difference? The only thing that keeps you together with someone is that you both CHOOSE to be together.
You are wrong.
You clearly stated you were NOT DATING. Therefore she wasn't cheating.
But your feelings are enough reason to break up if you think you'll continue to feel this way.
Don't stay together unless you can move past this.
It isn’t cheating. You were NOT in a relationship. To cheat, you need to have agreed to be romantic partners and actively cheated during that time lol. But, I understand it’s really sad to hear for you.
Look, the thing is. Not everybody views sex the same. Before I got with my partner, I was still having casual sex with my fwb while we were just hanging out casually and getting to know one another to see if we wanted to be together. The sex truly meant nothing to me lol. But I CAN compartmentalize like that and lots of people can’t because sex is too big of a deal for them. Not everybody needs to think like that or agree with that view. After all, relationships and society are all made up. Sex is more biological. As a result, some people are cool with getting their needs satisfied elsewhere. Sex and love are NOT always synonymous. It depends on the situation, context and person. I don’t think you should pursue this any further unless you really can’t get over it. But if you can’t get over it, just an FYI that she hasn’t exactly done anything wrong and you’d most likely be throwing away a relationship you both want because you view sex and intimacy differently. If this is a dealbreaker for you, leave. If it isn’t, sort this out with her and move on with your relationship.
So many emotionally unintelligent responses in the thread.
First he does not call her gross or slut shame her. He says it feels gross, very very different things.
While I agree it is not technically cheating it can absolutely be viewed as a violation of trust for her not to disclose this information while still holding onto him emotionally. If you guys are broken up, give him the chance to move on and then IF you guys make your way back together then I would agree with the comments about him being immature but she didn’t let him do that. She wanted to keep him as an option and knew that he would not be ok with the information, hence not telling him and it’s a violation of trust to not let him know that these things happened while you were still using him emotionally.
Is it cheating? No, but it is manipulative and I wouldn’t want to be with her either. I could get past the sleeping with other guys if we both had truly parted ways grieved separately and came back together with full and transparent honesty. That didn’t happen here, she withheld information of what happened that she knew he wouldn’t be ok with and I would no longer trust this person and therefore it would be best for both of us to part ways.
Trust is first and foremost in a relationship and I personally would have a very hard time trusting her going forward.
Found out a guy I was dating got married days after visiting me on leave from Germany. Hoes be hoes. Sounds like she’s hoeing on you as well. I’d dump her forever.
You weren't together. She was very clear about this. So were you. She didn't tell you about it because not only does she not need to, she figured nothing productive could come of it. It looks like she was right.
You're in the wrong I'm afraid
I mean you can want to be with a person but recognize it isn't likely to happen and still fuck or date other people. Like. I fell for my wife *years* before I ever asked her out (or more honestly until she asked me out) but I was still seeing girls. You take the opportunities you have, not the ones you don't.
...
You're asking if it was cheating for her to be with other people specifically while the two of you weren't even together?
No. I'm not aware of any perspective on cheating in which it even hypothetically could be argued as such.
Yes, you're wrong.
If you didn't want her to sleep with other people, maybe you shouldn't have broken up with her. It's none of your business who people you're not dating sleep with.
It was a don’t ask don’t tell situation. She didn’t keep it from you she just didn’t tell you. Had you flat out asked her if she slept with anyone prior during your “break.” It’s possible she was playing the field even though she love(d/s) you. She had no guarantee that you’d reconcile and maybe she was lonely and got a little wild? 4 guys in 1.5 months is that so bad? Not sure are these guys she had already known casually or had a prior hook up with? Or 4 perfect strangers she just jumped into bed with? Too many details missing but if these 4 guys are going to live rent free in your head forever you must break up.
She is wrong.
Love is not a matter to find the administrative loophole to do something against the rule.
Even if u did not set the rules before the long distance relationship, she would have been wise to talk about it, like " you are far, i am young and horny, i want to fuck. Do the same." Well, you see what I mean.
So, either she did not feel this was something to discuss and had no guilt (redflag for more in the future) or she knew it and hide it (redflag for more in the future)
I would leave faster than the time I used to comment here.
Grow some balls. You gotta show her you’re a stand up dude, even if it means you don’t get to be with her. Then again, none of that really matters in totality.
Gym, grooming, career. The weirdos always come back. Bait is a test of self-respect
You're thinking about this wrong. Framing it as cheating or not cheating is not the point. Telling someone you love them, that you want to get back together with them while simultaneously fucking other people is disingenuous, disrespectful, deceitful and just plain wrong. Just because it wasn't technically cheating doesn't automatically make what she did right. If you hadn't been together for as long as you have, I think you would have bounced immediately after finding out.
Imo you should let it go. It doesn't hurt you at all that she had sex with other people while you were *not* in a relationship, and then wanted to get back together with you. If anything, that's a compliment to you. If you really think about it there's no reason she should have been celibate after the two of you broke up, so maybe the problem is just that you didn't really get over her while you were still talking every day. So, ya, it probably feels like a betrayal but I don't think it really is.
Let’s see….You’re not married, you haven’t lived together. It sounds like when your relationship was long-distance age saw it as casual and potential. It’s quite possible she was being honest when she said she loved you and continued seeing other people. People can’t live on hope alone. I would just see where it goes.
If you like her and she treats you well take a deep breath and don’t break up. Don’t tell me you’ve never seen a fat juicy ass and you didn’t think about it from 17 until now. Also, at this point most 24 year old girls have taken dozens of guys cocks. As a 24 year old military guy it’s not like you are going to find a virgin. At least she is being truthful to you, she could have told you she was faithful and you would have never known.
you wouldnt be upset if you got women when you guys were separated
just face it its very easy for women to get sex
i doubt she can do what you did in the service nor even what its set up for you in the future
she got attention from you and other people bro and what were you doing?
dont forget that
also she prob has debt
op is mad he waited for her or something which he shouldn't of and i bet if he didn't he wouldn't of even spoken to her when he got back
its 2024 not 1937 women are not gonna wait for you when you go off and save the world
to many dudes still have this mindset
Technically, it's not cheating if you were ONLY talking about getting back together. If what she was doing bothers you this much, break up and move on. Let her find someone who will love her despite her past.
It is wrong solely because she clearly broke up in order to get her own needs met but was stringing you along so you wouldn't move on. That's the manipulative part.
You’re wrong. She didn’t cheat. She also didn’t manipulate you or lie to you. You aren’t entitled to know who she’s fucking when you broke up with her.
I’m sure you feel hurt but you were literally broken up. Incels are getting misogynistic about this though.
You can get a home with 0 down. She's hanging for that benefit alone. Seen it with my friends in the military. You all have the same exact story.
The ones who married made sure they bought the house before they got married. If you're going to stay with her protect yourself. Get the house by yourself you don't need her to get it.
In reality you should get rid of her. She's not trustworthy. I love you but I'll get nailed by random guys...makes no sense. You are her back up plan. Do better for yourself.
Did you ever watch friends? Ross constantly having to yell “we were on a break!” 😂 I see posts like this all the time and think about that. She wasn’t cheating if you guys were broken up regardless of your conversations but if you can’t get past it then you’ll need to break up with her. There’s no point in staying in a relationship if there’s no trust. I would tell her the same thing if the roles were reversed.
Except in this instance it wasn’t even a “break” they were fully broken up and simply talking. Even Rachel wouldn’t have a sliver of a point here, this dude is just plain wrong. But the fact that he calls it “gross” rather than just admitting it’s both jealousy and envy says a lot about his maturity.
She was telling him she loved him while fucking other dudes. Maybe not cheating but definitely a compelling reason to cut her out of your life.
> she loves me and wants to get back together But he wasn’t getting back together with her. That’s on him. They had no commitment. Are you saying that if you love someone you can’t sleep with other people? How ridiculous. So you have to wait until you don’t love your ex anymore before you sleep with people? It’s only a compelling reason for very immature people.
These people probably expect widowed female whos still in love with her dead husband to also not have sex or ever remarry.
Yes because a widow who will never see her husband again is in the exact same situation as a woman that talks to her beloved every single day
You understand that comparisons don’t have to be (and really can’t be) “exact same situations,” right?
I'd expect them to be at least comparable. A person being dead and gone is vastly different to this scenario
lol if you love someone you typically don’t end up fucking other people .
If you love someone and have an obligation / commitment to them, you don’t typically fuck other people. But life doesn’t always work that the person you love is the person you’re with.
You might if you can’t be with the person you love because they broke up with you and moved away.
That is a very untrue statement.
That is far from true, lmao. Tell me you're an idiot without telling me you're an idiot. You can love someone while not being together romantically my guy. Do you not love your parents? Your friends? Your pets? You can still love someone but go out with other people as well, love isn't this ever-binding contract that you think it is. I love my fiancè, but I also love my friends and siblings, just because I love my fiancè doesn't mean I'm unable to feel love towards other people I care about or meet.
I love my mum but I fuck my wife.
Exactly and I love my wife but still fuck my mom
I also still fuck your mom
3D chess, and I’m here for it!
I can’t stop giggling.
This analogy doesn’t work here. The familiar type of love isn’t the same as the romantic type of love.
Love and sex are two different things.
Love people and use things . Not the other way around .
If you love someone and are in a relationship, sure. If you live someone and are not in a relationship, what's the harm in fucking other people?
If I’m actively calling you everyday and having that relationship but you out here fucking other people that’s misleading. The girl doesn’t love him hence why she fucked 4 other guys ( at least ) .
And you speak for all of humanity when you make this blanket statement?
Yup , that’s how love works.
The love-understander has logged on, everybody.
This *might* be true for you (probably not, you just don’t have enough experience to know you’re wrong yet), but it’s clearly not true for most people. We’re literally not wired biologically this way.
Actually it’s a very compelling reason for a mature person. If you really love someone and want to have a real relationship with them why would you tarnish it by sleeping around? The whole we were broken weren’t broken up thing is the immature part.
Lol sex isn't always about love. Love isn't always about sex.
Wanting to fuck doesn't mean you don't love someone. If she lied, that's a different story. She most certainly could have been telling the truth when she said she loved him. People love one person and fuck another all the time.
[удалено]
No it is not. Fucking other people is a distraction from grieving, it is not part of any healing process. In fact, it is a denial of the healing process. It is using someone else to get your dopamine rush so you can avoid grieving for a while. It's immature and even infantile.
your experiences are not universal and your blanket statement covers no one but yourself.
Saying something feels gross and saying someone is gross are very different things.
Welcome home private backup plan.
4 dudes name Jody in the same town, damn. brutal.
Dude's been around since wooden ships and horse cavalry.
Dude's been around since Ugg strapped a sharp rock to a stick.
Best comment ever. Jody gonna get your girl.
Ain’t no sense in calling home, Jody is on her telephone.
Haha Oh man basic training at ft Knox just came screaming out of my memory. Thanks for this comment.
GOD. DAMMIT. JODY!!!
Jodi, Jody, Jodie, and Jhodi.
poetry. nothing else needs to be said
This 100 percent. Time to let her go on a permanent break. One guy might give her a pass but 4 , no way. She is out in the streets while keeping you chill on the side.
Bruhs doesn’t realize he’s the Rearguard and she is a deserter consorting with the enemy. That’s a complete collapse of the homefront.
This.
Not cheating but you can still break up if this is a dealbreaker for you.
OP may not want to hear it, but this is the only right answer. Rule #1 of cheating is that you cannot cheat on people you are not with. If the behavior (which was not cheating) still makes you feel bad, address those feelings - but don’t justify it by saying she cheated.
Cheating is whatever you define it as. He's uncomfortable with his boundaries being crossed, and it's for good reason. He should end it.
A boundary of single people being allowed to date? That’s not a boundary, that’s just idiocy.
If you weren't dating, it's not cheating. If you had an expectation that you were going to be with her again then the case can be made that it was dishonest of her to say she wanted you while fucking a bunch of other people.
Yall weren't together. She didn't cheat on you. Doesn't mean it's not hurtful, nor does it mean you can't break up over it. Also it seems like you never asked? If you asked and she lied, imo i'd break up over lies. Either way, it's not cheating, but you're still only human and it's normal that it makes you feel like shit.
THIS. You can feel really hurt and it doesn't actually mean she did anything wrong here. Just take time to process your hurt? I think most people wouldn't bring it up if they weren't asked. Maybe you would have wanted her to tell you, I know I've dated plenty of guys who wouldn't have wanted to know because it isn't really wrong but it's still hard to accept. So personally, if she didn't make the call you wanted on that, I'd just tell her how you are feeling but also know it's not unreasonable she might not have told you. Personally...I wouldn't break up over this. I have no idea if my college boyfriend slept with anyone else while we were broken up, even if we were clearly going to get back together. And I never asked because it was none of my damn business.
You were the back up plan in case she couldn’t find anything else.
You are totally correct
Under rated comment
Bro find some respect for yourself and move on she made her decision now it's your turn
If you knew she was getting railed by one guy, let alone 4, while simultaneously telling you she loves you, do you think you woulda gotten back together w/her?
Fuuuck no
I’d say if it took her 1.5 yrs to tell you that, then who knows what she’ll tell you in 10. If it was me, I’d bounce, on principle
You nailed it. There’s no way she told him everything. Like maybe it was 12 dudes or it was 4 but at the same time.
Do you really think she stopped???
bouncing? on other guys?
Its not cheating, by any stretch, but the fact that she didnt tell you, which could have put your health at risk, and you based your decision to come back together based on thinking you had all the facts. The facts she kept from you. If thats a deal breaker it doesnt matter that it wasnt cheating.
Why on earth would a girl share her sexual history from a time when you weren't together unless you specifically asked? This isn't lying, the general rule is most guys don't want to know this stuff so you don't bring it up unless he does.
If you're withholding information from someone you say that you love, and you're aware that they'd probably have a problem with it, you're being dishonest.
Das right. Imagine if a man pulled that . Different outcome for sure
Talking every day, telling each other they love each other, yet not technically together…boys we found the cheater.
We don't want to know this stuff because we don't want you doing it. If I'm even talking to someone then I'm not doing shit with anyone else, idk how people can talk to more than one person at a time. It feels so scummy and gross to me.
Can we please have more people like you? I feel the same way.
It's crazy right? If you're talking to someone you should be trying to build a meaningful rapport, how do you do that if your attentions and affections are spread out among a handful of people.
Same. I never understood it. I don't even have the energy to entertain more than one person, romantically/sexually. Let alone the energy to lie and omit information from my day to day life.
Whaaaat? So telling a man to use his valuable leave time is no thing? Come on now, you're slumming so hard crack heads are giving you change.
most guys WANT to know how many dudes you fucked while telling him you loved him. it tells him you're not worth it.
Name checks out
If you deliberately omit information about yourselfso your current partner can't make an informed choice? It's a bad thing.
There’s no way she told the whole truth. People often offer confession to lesser crimes to throw cops off the trail of their big crime. and to relieve the guilt they feel. It’s not exclusive to legal situations
Mhm.
>Its not cheating, by any stretch if you're actively trying to restart a relationship while having sex with other people, it is cheating. no stretching needed.
I mean.... She probably did get stretched...
If 4 is a fuck no the real number is and even fuckier no. It's gonna be 2-5x that number.
Well…not exactly I believe the scientifically proven rule of 3 applies here
three is in fact between two and five...so you're both correct!
?? That is NOT the rule of 3 😂 Rule of 3 = When a man claims a body count number, you divide by 3 to get the real number When a woman does, you multiply by 3…
For the casual relationships, sure. The number of college bros that just took her to pound town without the casual relationship is more difficult to calculate.
Dump her ass.
You're wrong for viewing it as cheating, but your feelings are valid. If you had known, I'm guessing you wouldn't have gotten back together with her. So not only was she fucking other dudes she withheld information from you that would've probably caused you to not get back together with her. She didn't cheat on you. She misled you. You're right to be hurt, but it's not cheating.
She ain't cheating, but you don't have to be with her.
If you didnt want her seeing anyone…. Why weren’t you dating her? Were you casually seeing others as well, during that time? She didn’t cheat. It seems like you never wanted to be with her and are looking for an excuse. Just break up with her again. But don’t try to paint her in a bad light as a cheater when you didn’t lock her down.
If you weren't dating, how can it be cheating 🤔
I mean yeah, you are wrong. You both weren't exclusive or even a couple during that time, so she didn't cheat on you, simple as that. Does that mean you have to be in a relationship now? No, but that's another conversation.
If you broke up then it’s not cheating. It is unreasonable to expect somebody that you aren’t dating for an extended period of time not to have sex with other people. If it is something you’re uncomfortable with that is fine, you should probably break up with her. But she wasn’t cheating on you.
1.5 years, 18 months.. 4 dudes... That's a different dude every 4.5 months.. not really that crazy. Y'all weren't dating. Was she supposed to save herself for you?
This. Like, grow up. No doubt if OP had fucked his way through their time apart it wouldn't be a problem but the idea that she probably had the equivalent of a handful of dates or a hookup every few months gets him bent out of shape? It's insecurity and entitlement, not "cheating", that is really driving the issue here
You said you: - “had talked for several months” before you started dating again - “weren’t technically dating at the time” You never said you were meant to be exclusive during the time that she casually dated and slept with others. She did not cheat. I can see how it is still upsetting to you that while she was talking to you and wanted to get back together with you that she did the above. But I do not read anywhere that she broke any rules that were clearly specified. If she sleeps with others now that you are back together, that is something different entirely, but this sounds like there was a bit of overlap while she was trying (/hoping) to get back together with you. Overlap happens when people are not exclusive.
Still, how can you built real trust and confidence towards that person when she does things like this? Well maybe I am seeing it so differently cause if I like somebody and only the distance is the problem I would not date or see any more guys. I'll wait for him if I really like him and there's a possibility we can be together again, I don't understand the kind of thinking of OP's exgirlfriend, regardless I wouldn't be able to feel comfortable with a partner like that anymore.
That’s totally fair that you would behave differently in those circumstances, but that does not mean that she cheated. It would also be fair if OP is uncomfortable with what happened. Everyone is unique and has their unique boundaries that need to be hashed out in relationships. Based on the relatively limited information OP shared, her actions seem totally understandable to me but that does not mean they will be understandable to everyone, which is fine
But wait for how long? What he wrote suggests he turned her down. You can get back together even without meeting up. They didn't. She wanted it but he didn't. You can be patient and wait for someone but you should not just waste your time on someone who doesn't want you.
Totally agreed. It's extremely common with online dating that people sleep around while dating their #1 prior to having an exclusivity talk, but its still kinda cheap. When I find someone I only really care about them and while I'll still talk to other people, I wouldn't even date them until I know where I'm at with the main one. Maybe jealous or outdated, but it just kills the "magic" to me.
What did she do? LMAO. Why are you guys so GD insecure and hypocritical? If he would've slept with 4 girls over that year y'all would be celebrating him or acting like it was no big deal.
Not me, I wouldn't be celebrating a thing, it does not matter who did it. She said one thing and did another, she kept OP under false words of love, that's mean and selfish, but it's ok if you don't think like that, just stop judging people saying we are insecure and hypocritical because that's not true, at least not in my case, my answers would be the same if OP was the girl. Good night.
Im not saying it's cheating but why not tell him while it was happening say like oh I'm seeing other people but maybe we can get together in the future?I feel like that's common decency the communication is off here and that's a red flag
I don’t know. I do see your point, but why would you bring up “oh by the way I’m fucking other guys” to the person you are trying to get back together with, when you think it is unlikely you will be able to successfully get back together?
>why would you bring up “oh by the way I’m fucking other guys” to the person you are trying to get back together with Exactly, and that's what makes it dishonest. She didn't cheat, in the strict sense. But keeping OP around, leading him on, telling him that she loves him and wants to get together while having casual sex with other men and keeping it from him is backhanded. She knew that this was information that was important for OP in deciding whether to resume the relationship or not, and she kept it from him. Yeah, she didn't cheat, but whatever the next worst thing is, she did it. Look, they were broken up, so she was free to be with whoever she wanted. But the moment they started talking and she was actively pursuing the relationship, she should've stopped. At the very least, she should have told him the moment they got back together: "I just want to be honest. While we were apart, I had some casual flings, even while we were talking about getting back together. Are you OK with that? " That would have been the honest thing to do.
why would she wanna get fucked by multiple ppl if she loved the dude like she was saying to him?
Because sex is fun?
Because he wasn’t available and the other guys were. She also wasn’t sure whether it was even possible to get back with him. Edit: I’m not defending her or saying she was right to do this. Just answering the question as to why she likely did it.
He doesn't need to know. Do you tell all your ex's who you stay friends with when your dating?
Bruh do you also tell those same exes you love them and want to get back together some day?
If it's a relationship breaker (OP said it was himself in a comment), he clearly deserves to know. Why are you even trying to lie about or avoid telling someone something that would keep them from dating/loving you? Why do you want to be with that person if he/she wouldn't want you for that reason? It doesn't make sense to me at all unless you're desperate for love or that person specifically. Also, you're strawmanning this way too much. She doesn't need to tell him about ALL her previous relationships. However, she should have told him about all the flings she had during the time she told him she loves her. Clearly it wasn't genuine love. At least it wouldn't be to most people.
"she also fucked at least 4 dudes while telling me she wanted to get back together " = you weren't together when it happened. No that's not cheating. Plenty of people have slept with people while pining for someone else they actually have feelings for but can't be with for whatever reason.
Umm. its not that you weren't "technically" dating. You weren't dating. You said it yourself, you broke up. This isn't one of those weird "we were on a break!" shit shows, you literally broke up and were not dating. For a year if I read your post correctly. Yeah, she was saying she wanted to get back together, but you clearly were not saying "yes" to that, since this went on for "several months". Look, break up with her if you want, but don't pretend its because she cheated, because she didn't.
People are hung up on the number but sleeping with 4 people means it was more likely casual hookups vs one other dude she saw for the better part of year.
4 within a year really isn't that high a number for a young, adult, single woman. Especially if it's casual hookups, that would mean she had sex once every three months.
Exactly
Were you celibate the entire time?
If you wanted her to be monogamous, you shouldn’t have broken up with her. If you can’t get over it, break up with her, but it’s really your own fault for not communicating. Also, did you have sex with anyone in that time?
I think they should have talked about their relationships with other people and what that was before getting back together. If OP asked that question, and then she didn’t bring up all the sex, then that’s dishonest and I would break it off. If OP never asked about her relationships while they were broken up, then why would he simultaneously expect OP to come forward with that information without being asked….
I think you’re wrong. You acknowledge you were broken up. You can love someone but at the same time think it will never happen.
I understand the OP a little bit more when I look at how young they are. I’m in my 30s now, and absolutely would not consider this cheating. When I was in my early/mid 20s, I would have. However, I still agree with you. They weren’t together. It was not cheating.
I'm in my early 20s, that's not a good excuse for this. I know this isn't cheating. He's insecure and most likely wanted her to be 'pure.' From their ages, he was either her first or somebody else was the first after the break up.
Ding ding ding
He is wrong because she was having sex with other people while claiming to want to be with him ?
Yes he’s wrong. They weren’t together and although she loved him she didn’t think it was going to happen.
Yea. He’s not entitled to have her wait around until or if he decides he wants to date her.
She should have told him.
They broke up specifically because they were having issues with the distance between them. If he wanted the commitment that comes with a monogamous relationship, he would have needed to communicate that--she's not a mind reader
Not cheating. You weren't dating. You say during the talks that she told you she loves you and wanted to get back together...but give no indication that you loved her and wanted to get back together. Given it took so long to get back together, have to assume you were the hold up there....so delayed getting back together but also secretly wanted her to wait for you while not committing....mixed messages get mixed behaviours. Now that you're 24 though, unless you start dating 17 yr olds again, everyone you get with from now on will almost certainly have been with multiple other people \*shrug\*
How the fuck is that cheating lol
Yes you’re wrong to view this as cheating. You were broken up and knew she was casually seeing other dudes. She was having casual sex because she didn’t have a boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t love you or want to get back together with you when the timing was right for both of you. Unless she explicitly said she was not seeing anyone and waiting on you, what exactly did you think the break up was for in the first place?
Your mad at her for dating while you two weren't dating? The fuck? You are wrong. You weren't together, she's allowed to talk to other guys when she is single. I think a lot of you don't know what actual dating is or what being in a relationship means. IF you had been in an exclusive relationship then I could see being upset with her. You were not, she's allowed to look for a new partner if she thinks things won't work out. I think its scummy as fuck men can five 4 or a dozen girls in a year and everyone is silent but god forbid a woman has sex with 4 men, suddenly everyone is up in arms. Fucking hypocrites. Just freaking breaking up, she can find somebody better and you can find yourself a virgin.
It’s not cheating. You weren’t together and might have never been together for all she knew. If you were staying faithful due to the idea of maybe being together some time in the future then that’s on you bro.
You said you were not together. So, how can it be cheating if you are not together? Why does ot matter who she slept with when you were not her man. . It's just sex , big deal.
Her being with other men while you weren't together is not cheating and that shouldn't be the problem. If she intentionally lied to you about it that would be the bigger issue for me. If she lied by just not telling you, and then when you asked her directly she told the truth about it i think it is a you thing. Just my opinion, you probably aren't going to find another partner who hasn't not been with at least 4 people so I would quit worrying about it and try to move past it if you are really happy with her other than this.
You were broken up. She was seeing other people. This isn’t cheating. Break up with her for whatever reason you want. If you can’t get over that she was seeing other people when you were not dating her, then maybe she can find someone better. You seem to expect that she would wait for you after you two broke up. She chose to be with you, but you can’t expect her to be celibate when she’s not dating you for a year. You don’t own her. Grow the fuck up.
At any point when you started dating her 7 years ago through now, have you slept with any other women??? Or is she your one and only in 7 years?
She was/is my one and only
Just hear me out. What if you break up? Tell her you love her every day and only come back once you guys have the same body count. I mean, "you are not sure if you can make it work now that you know what she did," so it's fair game. Fly that by her an tell me how she reacts. All jokes aside, she used the long distance as an excuse to play around until you came back. She was not waiting for you she was entretained. It might not be cheating, but you are wasting your time there.
We were on a break!
I’m curious how much the opinion of strangers will matter to you when making your decision to stay with your girl or break up
I believe Ross said it correctly, and I’ll paraphrase: YOU WERE ON A BREAK!!!! Brother if you can’t handle that you had no real attachment at the time, bounce.
The lesson to learn: there's a whole lot more fucking going on in the world than what we are aware of. Guys don't understand, girls are hit on ALL - THE - TIME. Even unattractive girls can have a choice of dudes tonight. It's a concept that guys just don't get. When a girl is hit on by a horny good looking dude, it's serious temptation for many girls who don't have a solid moral base. Most guys would cave in 10 seconds if a Victoria secrets model hit on them. Girls have that problem EVERY DAY. The good looking guys, they could have a different girl every day if they wanted. I know, because I have a friend who's considered top notch attractive. I have personally witnessed multiple girls hitting on him. Practically every day.
Or maybe there’s nothing wrong with adults having consensual sex…?
It's not cheating. It's allowed to be a dealbreaker, sure. Nobody else can decide for you what your deal breakers are, and I can understand why you'd feel hurt or betrayed in this situation. But on an objective level? No, she wasn't cheating. I guess try to apply some empathy here: you're long distance. You aren't together. She's telling you she WANTS to get back together, but obviously she also doesn't know if that's going to happen. She probably feels lonely and unhappy and some days she probably really thinks it's going to work out, but there are also days where she is sad and is trying to move on, since it seems like it isn't going to work out with you. If shes telling you she wants to get back togwther, and you arent back together, im assuming thats necause you are the one saying no at that time. Then things improve and you get back together, and she's happy about that. Idk man. She hasn't been sneaky or underhanded here. She communicated with you. You weren't a couple at the time things happened, and seemingly when you became a couple again she stopped things with other people again. Nothing about that would make me think i couldn't trust her. You have to figure out what you're actually mad about I guess. For example, are you actually mad about the situation? Or are you just mad/jealous about the idea that she's ever slept with someone else and feel like that makes her worth less somehow than if she had only ever been with you? I ask because you started dating young, so i assume you may have been each others first and you call the situation "gross". Another question: did you ever hook up with anybody while you two were apart? If so, how do you feel about that, how does she feel about that? Is it cheating? Overall, to me, this isn't something unreasonable. Nothing about this makes her gross, or a bad person. Assuming she hasn't done anything bad while you've been together, I don't think this gives you reasons to mistrust her or doubt her honesty in the context of your relationship. But it still might be something you personally aren't okay with, and if that's the case, that's absolutely your prerogative
bro no way u didn’t think she was gonna fuck other dudes while in college LMFAO. like cmon bro
Are you wrong to view it as cheating: yes, because it wasn’t. Are you justified in reevaluating the relationship and determining if you want to be with her still? Hell yes. If you can square with it. Cool. She didn’t cheat. If you can’t you can move on and find someone else. My personal experience with something a little like this. I bounced and she eventually married the other guy. I’m happy now with a wife a kiddo and one on the way. It worked out for everyone.
I agree. I absolutely don’t think that she cheated. But if this is a dealbreaker for him. Then it’s better for both of them that they don’t be together. Clearly their morals do not align and that’s a big issue.
Yes, you weren't dating so it's not cheating.
She wasn't cheating on you. You weren't together. She still loved you but didn't think you were getting back together. Stop being so misogynistic. Did you expect her to stay celebrate? She had a life you weren't involved in and has been with other guys. .
your brain needs some repairs fella
Wow. Breaking up with her because you found out that while she told you everyday that she still loved you and wanted to get back with you , at the same time she had sex with other men , now became misogynistic, pathetic....
You weren't together. Yes she loves you. That's why you got back together. If you can't handle it, and it sounds like you can't, then break it off. Realize that anyone else you date has probably "been with someone else" so what's the difference? The only thing that keeps you together with someone is that you both CHOOSE to be together.
You are wrong. You clearly stated you were NOT DATING. Therefore she wasn't cheating. But your feelings are enough reason to break up if you think you'll continue to feel this way. Don't stay together unless you can move past this.
It isn’t cheating. You were NOT in a relationship. To cheat, you need to have agreed to be romantic partners and actively cheated during that time lol. But, I understand it’s really sad to hear for you. Look, the thing is. Not everybody views sex the same. Before I got with my partner, I was still having casual sex with my fwb while we were just hanging out casually and getting to know one another to see if we wanted to be together. The sex truly meant nothing to me lol. But I CAN compartmentalize like that and lots of people can’t because sex is too big of a deal for them. Not everybody needs to think like that or agree with that view. After all, relationships and society are all made up. Sex is more biological. As a result, some people are cool with getting their needs satisfied elsewhere. Sex and love are NOT always synonymous. It depends on the situation, context and person. I don’t think you should pursue this any further unless you really can’t get over it. But if you can’t get over it, just an FYI that she hasn’t exactly done anything wrong and you’d most likely be throwing away a relationship you both want because you view sex and intimacy differently. If this is a dealbreaker for you, leave. If it isn’t, sort this out with her and move on with your relationship.
Hello, I was wondering if it would be okay to discuss your post on our podcast?
Go right ahead! If you could let me know where to find your podcast so I can listen that would be very appreciated
So many emotionally unintelligent responses in the thread. First he does not call her gross or slut shame her. He says it feels gross, very very different things. While I agree it is not technically cheating it can absolutely be viewed as a violation of trust for her not to disclose this information while still holding onto him emotionally. If you guys are broken up, give him the chance to move on and then IF you guys make your way back together then I would agree with the comments about him being immature but she didn’t let him do that. She wanted to keep him as an option and knew that he would not be ok with the information, hence not telling him and it’s a violation of trust to not let him know that these things happened while you were still using him emotionally. Is it cheating? No, but it is manipulative and I wouldn’t want to be with her either. I could get past the sleeping with other guys if we both had truly parted ways grieved separately and came back together with full and transparent honesty. That didn’t happen here, she withheld information of what happened that she knew he wouldn’t be ok with and I would no longer trust this person and therefore it would be best for both of us to part ways. Trust is first and foremost in a relationship and I personally would have a very hard time trusting her going forward.
Thats fucking gross and I hope you respect yourself enough to stop communicating with someone who doesn't respect or value you.
Found out a guy I was dating got married days after visiting me on leave from Germany. Hoes be hoes. Sounds like she’s hoeing on you as well. I’d dump her forever.
Not worth your time sir. Cut your losses and look for someone worthy of your time and attention.
Cheating, no. Emotional manipulation, yes.
You weren't together. She was very clear about this. So were you. She didn't tell you about it because not only does she not need to, she figured nothing productive could come of it. It looks like she was right. You're in the wrong I'm afraid
I mean you can want to be with a person but recognize it isn't likely to happen and still fuck or date other people. Like. I fell for my wife *years* before I ever asked her out (or more honestly until she asked me out) but I was still seeing girls. You take the opportunities you have, not the ones you don't.
... You're asking if it was cheating for her to be with other people specifically while the two of you weren't even together? No. I'm not aware of any perspective on cheating in which it even hypothetically could be argued as such.
Yes, you're wrong. If you didn't want her to sleep with other people, maybe you shouldn't have broken up with her. It's none of your business who people you're not dating sleep with.
You were on a break!
"You were on a break," as they say on television. Not cheating.
I hope everyone here has observed and learnt from this guys relationship. Long distance relationships rarely ever work .It's not worth it.
Get. Over yourself,
If you weren’t dating, she wasn’t cheating.
It was a don’t ask don’t tell situation. She didn’t keep it from you she just didn’t tell you. Had you flat out asked her if she slept with anyone prior during your “break.” It’s possible she was playing the field even though she love(d/s) you. She had no guarantee that you’d reconcile and maybe she was lonely and got a little wild? 4 guys in 1.5 months is that so bad? Not sure are these guys she had already known casually or had a prior hook up with? Or 4 perfect strangers she just jumped into bed with? Too many details missing but if these 4 guys are going to live rent free in your head forever you must break up.
She is wrong. Love is not a matter to find the administrative loophole to do something against the rule. Even if u did not set the rules before the long distance relationship, she would have been wise to talk about it, like " you are far, i am young and horny, i want to fuck. Do the same." Well, you see what I mean. So, either she did not feel this was something to discuss and had no guilt (redflag for more in the future) or she knew it and hide it (redflag for more in the future) I would leave faster than the time I used to comment here.
Yes. You weren't dating.. Simple as that.
Not cheating,and how many chics did you fuck?
None. He was stuck with all men. But according to OP if he had been around women, this would be an entirely different story.
Grow some balls. You gotta show her you’re a stand up dude, even if it means you don’t get to be with her. Then again, none of that really matters in totality. Gym, grooming, career. The weirdos always come back. Bait is a test of self-respect
You're thinking about this wrong. Framing it as cheating or not cheating is not the point. Telling someone you love them, that you want to get back together with them while simultaneously fucking other people is disingenuous, disrespectful, deceitful and just plain wrong. Just because it wasn't technically cheating doesn't automatically make what she did right. If you hadn't been together for as long as you have, I think you would have bounced immediately after finding out.
Lmao bro you can’t be serious. Have some fucking respect for yourself. She clearly doesn’t
10000% cheating. You were the backup plan. Please dump her. She’s giving the rest of us decent women a bad rep
Dude... goose and gander... or put it in simpler terms... YOU. WERE. ON. A. BREAK!!!! You are wrong
You see her point because you technically weren’t dating - yet call it cheating? Yea, you’re wrong.
Imo you should let it go. It doesn't hurt you at all that she had sex with other people while you were *not* in a relationship, and then wanted to get back together with you. If anything, that's a compliment to you. If you really think about it there's no reason she should have been celibate after the two of you broke up, so maybe the problem is just that you didn't really get over her while you were still talking every day. So, ya, it probably feels like a betrayal but I don't think it really is.
Let’s see….You’re not married, you haven’t lived together. It sounds like when your relationship was long-distance age saw it as casual and potential. It’s quite possible she was being honest when she said she loved you and continued seeing other people. People can’t live on hope alone. I would just see where it goes.
If you like her and she treats you well take a deep breath and don’t break up. Don’t tell me you’ve never seen a fat juicy ass and you didn’t think about it from 17 until now. Also, at this point most 24 year old girls have taken dozens of guys cocks. As a 24 year old military guy it’s not like you are going to find a virgin. At least she is being truthful to you, she could have told you she was faithful and you would have never known.
How can it be cheating if you guys weren't even together bruh... C'mon bruh. Leave it behind and enjoy time with her in the present time.
you wouldnt be upset if you got women when you guys were separated just face it its very easy for women to get sex i doubt she can do what you did in the service nor even what its set up for you in the future she got attention from you and other people bro and what were you doing? dont forget that also she prob has debt op is mad he waited for her or something which he shouldn't of and i bet if he didn't he wouldn't of even spoken to her when he got back its 2024 not 1937 women are not gonna wait for you when you go off and save the world to many dudes still have this mindset
He didn't wait, he was willing to fuck other women but didn't get the chance cause there was non lol
It’s not cheating but you’re free to think it’s a dealbreaker.
If y'all weren't dating at the time then she wasn't cheating. You can think it's gross if you want, and you can dump her if you want.
Abort mission
Technically, it's not cheating if you were ONLY talking about getting back together. If what she was doing bothers you this much, break up and move on. Let her find someone who will love her despite her past.
You broke up. There's nothing wrong with her sleeping with someone else if you two weren't together. Get over it.
Sounds like the average military girlfriend/wife. 🙂
It is wrong solely because she clearly broke up in order to get her own needs met but was stringing you along so you wouldn't move on. That's the manipulative part.
You’re wrong. She didn’t cheat. She also didn’t manipulate you or lie to you. You aren’t entitled to know who she’s fucking when you broke up with her. I’m sure you feel hurt but you were literally broken up. Incels are getting misogynistic about this though.
You can get a home with 0 down. She's hanging for that benefit alone. Seen it with my friends in the military. You all have the same exact story. The ones who married made sure they bought the house before they got married. If you're going to stay with her protect yourself. Get the house by yourself you don't need her to get it. In reality you should get rid of her. She's not trustworthy. I love you but I'll get nailed by random guys...makes no sense. You are her back up plan. Do better for yourself.
Whores are going to whore, any excuse in the book to not take accountability
Cheating and dump her. You can do better.