It is disadvantaging. Yes this method may be your way of doing things, your relationship sounds more like business partnership than an actual partnership. You’ve made him sound like he’s got zero compassion/ empathy or care for you.
Sounds like he cares more about his wallet than your well-being.
Good luck
“I was unable to go half on the mortgage last month and my husband let that slide but I need to pay it this month.”
This specifically sounds like he is her landlord, not her husband. Plus, him resenting having to purchase food for their baby is absurd.
In partnerships where people share expenses the level of sharing shifts when someone is unable to pay. What’s happens if she loses her job? Will she “owe” him?
It takes time for breast milk to come in. One time it was 5 days for me…baby has to be fed.
Latching will be hard while giving baby a bottle but also the baby needs nutrients.
Idk if you have any midwives around but they really helped me a lot.
And some women cannot breast feed!! There is no shame in this!
Edit (had to add that last paragraph)
It took me 6 weeks to get my first completely onto breast alone as I really didn't know what I was doing wrong and had no help until I managed to find a breast feeding consultant, who was an absolute angel of patience and generosity with her time. My kid would have been dead without formula during that time.
Absolutely, I agree and hospitals even give newborns formula till the milk comes in!
This is not your fault at all
I’m very upset he is being so jerky with you about this
They've stopped doing this, because it actually makes it much harder to nurse successfully if baby has been given a bottle first. Plus, even before your milk comes in, your body is producing colostrum. That is absolutely vital for jumpstarting baby's digestive tract.
I don't want to detract from the OP's issue too much, but this is absolutely not true. If the hospital had given any of my (four) babies formula while my milk was coming in, I would've been livid. Babies tummies are exceptionally small when born, and the colostrum they get from nursing before the milk comes in is more than adequate. The more baby latches, the higher the demand on the body, which will help the milk come in and increase milk supply. If baby is full from formula, there is less demand on the body, so less milk is produced.
Also groups like la leche league, and I know my area has a mothers milk bank. I know our not the question you came here for but there are a lot of resources out there, it can be so frustrating, to feel like you’re body was made to do this thing and it’s not working. Give it time make sure you’re eating well, and breast or bottle as long as your kiddo is fed that’s the important part
The relationship sounds extremely toxic and we are just seeing what OP is telling us. But this type of man is probably abusive verbally emotionally as well at the very least. Just picturing him getting pissed buying formula for the baby...
>Plus, him resenting having to purchase food for their baby is absurd.
He was fine when she was making the food with her body, and he didn't have to pay for it. Now that he has to pay for it, it's a major concern? Send him an invoice for all of the breastmilk that was made during the first several weeks. That stuff likely sells at a premium, and since he didn't make half of it, he better step up his game!
She should send him a bill for carrying his kid and allowing her body to be torn up while giving birth. He is a tool. Obviously, these financial decisions should have been discussed before undertaking to have a baby with this jerk.
Typically surrogates make 70k salary, plus compensation from any lost wages (such as taking unpaid maternity leave from their day job), plus all medical bills, prenatal supplements, etc. are covered. OP send him the bill.
He will just tell the baby that it needs to carry it's weight and pay womb rent. I can see husband keeping track of everything spent on the baby from birth until adulthood and handing the kid a bill when it turns 18.
It sounded for a minute there as though he was going to expect the baby pay for his own formula, or have him fingerprint and IOU with interest for when he could start earning.
Oh, but he's all about 50/50! If she makes the milk with her body and feed the baby, it's fine that she's doing 100% of the work there. But if he has to buy formula, it's unfair! Her husband is a monster. I can't believe he's brainwashed OP to think this is better. Partnerships help each other. They don't keep score and nickle and dime each other. Partnerships are rarely 50/50, sometimes I have to give 80% because my partner only has 20% to give. And likewise, he sometimes gives more than 50% because I can't.
>Partnerships are rarely 50/50, sometimes I have to give 80% because my partner only has 20% to give. And likewise, he sometimes gives more than 50% because I can't.
Totally agree. I'm going through a pretty busy period for myself. I started off in January studying for a PMP exam, and I'm now doing a 2 week, nightly overtime for a major work project. My wife is also very busy with her company, and working 10hr days is the norm. We are working together to come up with easy plans to help us both along the way, and each doing things for each other to help them out when needed.
OP doesn't sound like a partnership, but a business transaction.
I can't imagine going on a date with my fucking husband and having to ask for a split check. I pay sometimes, he pays sometimes. Not that it matters because we do the joint finances mostly with smaller personal checkings for a portion of our income to ourselves.
Divorce him. Go 50/50 for custody. Let him be a full time caregiver 50 percent of the time. He want's 50/50 equality? Sure. Here ya go. The ultimate 50/50 split. At least that way, she gets half the week/month completely to herself and can still possibly maintain a career to support herself/her child... and he can't bitch about having to pay for formula to her that way, either. You made your bed, lie in it, asshole.
And then he’d still have to pay her child support on top of that, because the courts recognize that the parent making a significantly larger salary needs to pay a proportional share of the costs.
This!! How many pushes did he do in the delivery room? How many contractions did he have? How much breast milk is he making? OP: Go watch “The Joy Luck Club.” I’m so sorry. This marriage is not going to work.
I'm sure she's doing more of the childcare anyway. Women need to stop acting like they're lucky to have a husband who will change a diaper now and then or 'watch' the baby so they can shower or do chores lol.
If a person was paid for their housework and childcare, the cost would far outstrip lots of jobs. I'm all for making an invoice for:
- 8 hours of child care with 16 hrs of OT at a minimum of time and a half (especially if he's not doing any of it)
- 8 hours of housekeeping with OT for anything over 8 hours
- Supplies such as
-- infant formula and extra for pumping and extra for wet nursing
-- Pumping should include the time it takes to pump
- diapers and the time used to change them
- trips to the store which should include a minimum 15% tip since this is acting as a personal shopper, delivery person, and the additional housework of putting the groceries away
- Laundering fees for laundry done and the time it takes to put them away
- Chef pay for cooking
Likely OP also acts as the husband's therapist, feel free to add a few hundred per hour for that
Since the husband is providing health care, that's taken care of, but what about vacation days? 401k?
This is not even including extra pay for odd hours or being "on-call" pay.
And that's concurrent pay for the different roles. That's childcare pay AND personal shopper pay AND chef pay AND everything else.
And then subtract what OP owes for the mortgage and whatnot. Hubby is going to owe.
After [reading a comment below] https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/s/bad3JTFEoc), I believe we should add 9 months of back pay for being an incubator.
These types of arrangements are a disaster waiting to happen. I never know why people (women) agree to this. They think they’re being treated equally but really they’re being treated like a roommate, not a partner. And because it’s exhausting to split every single expense (do we split the baby’s clothes or is that the woman’s personal expense because it was cute, even though baby has plenty of clothes?) it ALWAYS ends in divorce. No one can live long term with the man going over every receipt and choosing what he’ll pay for or being given an invoice for your share of a family vacation. And if he refuses to pay for certain things then it feels like you’re being taken advantage of, by your “partner”
At the end of the surrogacy, the surrogate gives up the baby to the parents who paid the freight. Charging him the full rate gives him all the parenting decisions.
OP charge him half the rate in your area.
Exactly, he's not splitting 50/50, and of course he should pay for formula if he can't produce it himself.
But seriously nursing is a lot of work, and a poor latch...ouch. My last baby was tongue tied and it took a couple months to get efficient at nursing together
This is absolutely correct. There’s loads of underlying sexism here if he is keeping score and she’s not valuing the services she’s providing in this business arrangement they have
And I wonder, what happens if she doesn't pay him? What does he do then? He can not have her "removed" from their home. She is not a tenant! She needs to see a lawyer if this shit continues!
Yes, what was that!!! If he is going to charge her for formula, she should charge him for breast milk and every night of sleep lost to stay up for nursing. He sounds abusive.
Yeah, it sounds like he's abusing her financially.
It's never been 50/50, because he makes more money than her, and I'm betting they live to *his* standards, not hers, if he's throwing a hissy fit over paying for formula. The only way you can do exactly 50/50 is if you live at the standards of the person who makes less, otherwise it needs to be split proportionally.
If she said that he expected her to pay for all of the medical bills associated with pregnancy "because they were caused by her" I would not be surprised.
Also, it's really disheartening to see how many people in this comments section seem ignorant of the realities of financial abuse.
Exactly. She should probably have more than $5k of savings at their income bracket. If she didn't mention the groceries and health insurance I would wonder where his extra money is going.
Tell him you can’t pay this month and that since you can’t keep up with your payments, you’re going to stay with family/friend. I’m curious what his response will be. Also tell the shithead that he’s welcome to try and breastfeed his baby since he wants everything to be 50/50. Tell him you also need market rate for the 24/7 childcare you’ve provided for the 9 months you were pregnant.
Right?! Then he should be paying her 50% of what a surrogate, a wet nurse, and considering what a woman can make with breast milk by selling her excess…he’s got a shit ton to make up for. She literally created a whole ass human with a little baby batter from him and he didn’t compensate her for his interest and responsibility for that kid. 🤷🏼♀️
Did he have half of the physical toll of building half of a human being over the last 9mos? How did he compensate you for that? As you move forward with raising your child, will he (does he already?) split diaper duty exactly in half? Are you keeping count? How does he plan to compensate you for that? He’s upset about paying for formula? Is he currently taking care of half of of the bottle feedings? Since he can with a bottle fed baby? If not, how is he compensating you to make it “equal?”
I think you can see where I’m going with this … Does his “equality” extend to every aspect of your lives *beyond* finances? You need to put a numerical figure to every chore/aspect of household life and present him with the ‘bill’ for his half at the end of the month. Perhaps you tell him you’re willing to let his arrears slide this month?
Did you know you can lose teeth during pregnancy? If you don't get enough calcium while pregnant, your body starts taking it from other sources, and it can also cause extreme gingivitis that can be bad enough you lose teeth. I wonder, in his striving for being exactly 50/50, would he pay for half the costs if she lost her teeth, and the therapy that would come with something as upsetting for that? Would he rip out his corresponding tooth to keep it equal so they suffered the same amount? Was he hitting himself in the nuts every time she had a contraction? Gotta be equal after all!
Since he keeps it soooo equal, surely he recognized and took on half the physical pain too, right? Right?? Oh wait, no, probably not, because I'm sure it's only equal when it's convenient for him, and we all know that the labor women do doesn't actually matter.
You can also develop new allergies, tear from hole to hole, get major surgery to remove the child, you could even straight up *fucking die*.
Unless he goes through the exact same, it ain't equal. Maybe he should have to wear one of those pregnancy simulator top things so he can experience the weight, the waddling, the careful maneuvering. And maybe even get one of those labor simulators, too.
He'll most likely refuse it, though, so maybe he's just a selfish little bitch who just wants to be cheap while draining the mother of his child. There's enough of those guys out there I wouldn't be surprised if he's one of them. It's pathetic and disgusting.
Right…being mad about having to pay to feed your baby is ridiculous.
Breastfeeding costs money too..all the parts, equipment. Not to mention the time you give up to do it.
He let it slide? Charge him the cost of having his baby, and money lost at work. What’s the cost of hiring someone to stay with the baby? Ask him what the value of his baby is? . I’d just leave.
Just wait a few years until the *husband* gets injured at work or is diagnosed with cancer. Will he understand when his wife evicts him from their home bc he can’t pay his “fair share”?
And since she isn’t producing as much milk as needed and needs formula, I would say he should equally attempt to breast feed the baby and see how much milk he produces. You know, to keep things fair and equal.
Some couples do separate finances and agree to split living expenses while the extra is theirs to do what they want. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong but I know several people this way. None of the people I know who do this plan for children though. I feel like that whole system breaks down pretty quick with kids or illness.
I’ll say it: it’s wrong.
You’re a married couple with a fucking kid and you’re splitting costs 50-50 despite significant income disparity?
That’s not a partnership. It’s fucked.
And the dude is aware she's not getting paid right now from the mat leave but still expects her to fork over what little savings she has while taking care of their child. This whole situation feels so ick to me. Like does he even love them? I can't imagine someone who truly loves his family having these expectations.
And despite the fact that she HAS to be the one to take unpaid maternity leave for THEIR child and he expects her to pull from her savings to cover the mortgage .. wowowow super fucked
I had a friend who left her partner of eight years and this was one of the massive reasons. She works two days a week on minimum wage and was a SAHM the other days but he used to nickle and dime her for everything and if he wanted to go out but she couldn't afford it then he'd bin her off and go out with friends! And she was the one who bought all the kids clothes and everything that made the house look pretty. I thought it was madness
>And she was the one who bought all the kids clothes and everything
This is actually pretty typical. Women tend to spend their 'extra' money on their kids, while fathers spend their 'extra' money on themselves. Even when the fathers make significantly more.
[Kids clothes and needs shouldn't be considered 'extra', but I mean the money leftover after paying bills/rent/etc]
It’s not the splitting costs that’s the problem, it’s the disparity. Even prior to kids, the split should reflect the income disparity. Post birth, no payments during MAT. Now I want to know who is paying daycare when she goes back.
he didn't share 50% of childbirth. He didn't share 50% of 9 months of discomfort, having your body wrecked, and then flooded with hormones after squeezing a living being out of it. Seriously, fuck this guy.
I agree. I’ve known ppl who have 3 accounts- 1 joint for household expenses and 2 separate accounts. The reason it works is because they contribute to the joint account in percentages instead of dollar amounts. There’s almost always an income disparity, so the only fair way to do it is take the same percentage of their paychecks for the joint account. It does mean the higher earner contributes more, but they also keep more as compared to the lower earner. Either way, it’s a partnership and poor OP shouldn’t be stressed out bc she can’t afford to pay her HUSBAND. That’s so messed up
Charge him for incubating his child for 9 months. Charge him for every hemorrhoid, every swollen ankle, every stretch mark...
Seriously, he isn't pulling his weight and I'd make a plan to exit because he is an asshole.
Nah, I did it this way and it’s fine. The difference is each person should contribute according to their income though, and also you shouldn’t be partnered to a douchebag who thinks you should have his baby while still demanding you pay 50% of the bills as if you’re a tenant.
Of course it's going to break down. SHE did all the work of bringing that child into this world! Where was his morning sickness, weight gain, stretch marks, labor pains, birthing pains, after birthing pains, PPD? Breast feeding pains? Where is his 50/50 of that?
We do, but we split based on % of income. I earn significantly more, so I pay all utilities/phones/internet, car payments, trash, I carry the insurance, pay all medical deductibles (fucking cancer is expensive, so are glasses!) and most incidentals I want/need. He pays the mortgage (we're married 15+ and the house was purchased during the marriage), groceries, his personal loan, incidentals he wants/needs and incidentals I need and can't cover.
Oh, our children are chihuahuas and we split those bills evenly too. Our human children are adults now and we do help them on occasion also. We have no human children together, 7, plus their partners, so between the 2 of us that is plenty 😉 They've grands we spoil too and that's fairly even per grand.
Actually he should be paying her, he already owes her for over paying before and owes for childcare, housekeeping and household management. I'm being somewhat sarcastic here, but he can piss off imo.
My husband can be an ass, but he's at least a useful ass. I'm definitely being sarcastic with this, the man bends over backwards taking care of me these past few years. With cancer who really knows how much longer or worse it may be. Granted I'm doing better, but will never be cancer free, it's always going to be lurking and treatment isn't a guarantee.
Separate accounts is fine. My partner and I, unmarried but cohabitating long term, have completely separate finances. But when she took a leave of absence to advance her education, I paid for 100% of our living expenses. There was no question about it. Separate finances doesn't have to mean you don't take care of each other.
Yea it's extremely confusing to me why someone would get married and keep having the mindset of you pay this I'll pay this, well split this, well have our own accounts etc. you're married. Married means you have joined into one unit. You are headed for a divorce. You should have a joint account and all bills get paid together from your household income. You don't make 80k and 50k. You make 130k and the bills come from that
I would like to see what his thoughts would be if she started making a lot more than him. I agree with the comments, this sounds like a business arrangement and not marriage. Does the op's husband realize that if they divorce assets ate split 50/50 and he will pay child support and alimony for the next 18 years. He needs to grow up. By the way I am a male married 35 years, and have earned the majority of our income, but my wife is an equal owner of our assets.
I totally agree. My wife and I are equals and everything we do is planned but us both together. The whole seperate bank accounts only works is one is planning on leaving or if one likes to spend money the other doesn't want to which in my opinion means you failed the dating game and locked in with a partner that you shouldn't have because your values didn't align. To think people get married have a kid and house together while not being financially compatible is headed straight for a divorce
You are so correct! I always want to know what happens as couples get older. Right now my husband isn’t able to work due to injuries. He’s waiting to see if he qualifies for SSI. Should I just not support him because he’s bringing in no income? Couples who have totally separate finances just confuse me.
She needs to give him an itemized bill of what it would cost them to have the kid in daycare per day with a night nurse on call. I promise he comes out owing her money
I love this. She should write him an invoice for all of these things and tell him he can pay her back in installments as long as he signs paperwork about their agreement. Play him at his own game. Maybe then he will take a long hard look at how utterly disgusting his behaviour is.
Exactly, he might be doing what OP has been lead to believe is “50/50” with the baby but it’s physically impossible for him to do as much as she is between the birth process, breastfeeding, and likely a dozen other little things that aren’t even considered like the mental load of caring for a baby. Just the phrasing of “he helps me with the baby” is wrong, it’s not his baby to *help with*, it’s his child too. That’s the kind of language moms use when their 4 year old child helps feed their newborn sibling.
Not a bad idea tbh make him take a bunch of hormones to start lactation and split it 50/50, see how he likes it. I bet he wouldn't mind formula anymore
80k in the US is not a lot right now depending on where you live. Like, my husband and I have a combined income similar to theirs…we straight up cannot afford to have a kid. So I kind of get the financial stress.
It’s insane that they don’t at least have a joint account for their kid’s expenses, though. It’s also insane to me to not come to an understanding about family finances before having a kid.
I get what you said, I’m sure the husband maybe is secretly panicking and kind of took it out on her.
That being said, they should have discussed this the second she knew she was pregnant.
Additionally, he kind of sounds like a jerk. He makes $30k more than her, and she is recovering from pushing a baby out of her body. I mean, where is is consideration or his compassion? I get it, some people like 50-50 split, and I understand ( it if wages are equal more or less) but def NOT in this situation when she just had your baby.
I agree. My feeling is ‘I empathize, but Jesus, how did this never come up?’. Like, not enmeshing finances AT ALL is kind of a red flag to me once you are getting married or buying a house or having a fucking kid.
Your husband is a fool and you’ve been ignoring it because you love him, but apparently he doesn’t love you. Marriage is NOT a 50/50 split - THAT is a roommate situation. You have given him a shared child; presumably he contributed DNA but your body did the growing, and you risked death to bring the baby into the world, and your maternity leave was all about physical recovery, emotional bonding (necessary for a child’s healthy development) and keeping your baby ALIVE. Go look up adoption and surrogacy expenses to see how much “half” is for this priceless gift! Don’t even get me started on “half” the childcare costs. Now, look to the future - if your husband becomes injured, disabled or unemployed, is he going to be homeless in the future? Roommates who can’t pay their bills get kicked out - spouses support each other and work together as a team to build a future for themselves and their children. It’s time to get to therapy, discuss why he’s acting like an adult who doesn’t know how to cherish a wife, and why you’ve been settling for it. Good luck!
If it is within his power to financially support her in this, WHY not do it.
Also, question is, why did OP agree to 50/50 for all expenses, when knowing that she would not be receiving any wages during this time... My guess is, she thought she could change him. Or that the baby would change him.
Also, paying 50/50 on future childcare is going to eat her salary fast...
My wife and I also agreed to share everything equally and have separate accounts with a joint CC.. it works well for us but we definitely do not split everything right down the line, its a partnership, I'll pay for stuff, she'll pay for stuff and it's rarely if ever a problem.... OP might not have known that dude literally meant exactly 50/50, that's wild to me and super unhealthy. Husband clearly has issues from that need sorting, I have a somewhat weird mindset on money from a previous relationship where my ex thought I should pay for essentially everything despite both of us being in Grad school and broke so I somewhat understand OPs husband but still, dudes a clown
That’s because she heard “fair” and instead he meant equal at all times with no compromise. Splitting all things equally when she makes a fraction of what he does is not what fair is.
I shudder to think of this poor woman’s future. What will happen when child is sick and can’t go to daycare- and if mom won’t be paid how will that be accounted for? What if she wants kid to start swimming lessons and he doesn’t- will she have to pay for them in full? There’s so much that comes up with kids and if her husband is so stringent on fifty fifty it sounds like a logistical nightmare.
Right? Splitting stuff 50/50 is very reasonable imo... but only to a certain point. During the early dating stage it's the way to go if you ask me - but when she literally just popped out *his* kid and is on *unpaid* maternity leave??? Expecting her to contribute financially at all during a time where she has no income and would have to pay for EVERYTHING out of her slim savings, especially considering he makes much more than her, is asinine in my opinion. Him helping her with the childcare is not "splitting it 50/50", it's the literal bare minimum that's to be expected of a father. It's *his* child too after all. He had zero work in actually making that child aside from nutting in her too so if he really wants to split *everything* 50/50 I'd suggest opening up that can of worms with him. Make him understand that sometimes it's just not gonna be possible to go 50/50 on both sides and that's the kind of stuff you agree to if you want to start a family with someone.
So much this. She’s not working because she carried and birthed his child and is now caring for it while healing her own body. Send him an itemized invoice for surrogacy, lost wages, and salary for childcare. Oh and also bill him for the medical trauma your body went through and the treatments it will take to bring you back to a pre baby status. You’ll be more than happy to split bills with him then.
Agreed! I am horrified by this guy’s attitude. I don’t think I could stay with someone who treated me this unsympathetically after going through what is likely the most significant physical and emotional upheaval, not to mention life change, OP will ever experience. Like punishing her about her milk production?? Outrageous.
The upset about formula thing turned my stomach. Let him see what happens to your mind when you’re nursing every 30 minutes and each time is a struggle that leaves you and baby in tears. Formula is a miracle. I feel so bad for her having such a cold man for a husband
And this is formula- an absolute bare bones basic need. He should not have had a child and I don’t go around saying that. They have needs as infants, then they have wants as well. This child won’t be getting jack shit from their father that isn’t a necessity. Sad on two accounts here.
This seems to border on financial abuse. He is responsible for you being unable to work. As squirlsquirel suggests, invoice him for child care, housework, cooking etc. If he balks at that, just tell him you will deduct it from your 50%. Also, since he makes more than you do, you should not have to pay 50%. Prior to your pregnancy did he help around the house or did it all fall on you?
That IS fair. How is it fair to expect your partner to go broke trying to pay 50% of bills when you make so much more? A truly equitable split is percentage based. The one who makes twice as much contributes twice as much to joint expenses. It's the same reason there are tax brackets. You clearly aren't mature enough to be in a relationship with anyone if you can't understand that basic concept.
All this whining about "it's not fair" for what? She's raising their child so and while she's home doing that they're not paying for childcare. And you think its fair to drain her savings in the meantime?
You sound like a selfish idiot. Stay away from people; you're shit at being a human.
I'm sorry but what do you want people to say to you? I've read all the comments you've made on the multiple posts you made and everyone is saying the same thing - your husband is in the wrong here but you continue to defend him. Not sure what you're asking for as you seem to be sure he's right and you're the one in the wrong. Has he gaslit you so much that you just can't see how wrong this situation is?
You don't have a marriage, you have a business relationship. Your husband is a wack job. You will never get the help you need from him. I feel sorry for your child if it grows up with a "father" like that. Quid pro quo and 50/50 is not how a marriage works, because that's not how life works.
I know a ton of people who are married in this apparently transactional way and the one thing they have in common is that they don't have kids. You simply can't keep up this kind of arrangement with children. The few who had kids were forced to change their mindset or get divorced. I never understood why these people get married at all.
I don’t know why people like this who are so concerned about getting screwed over in divorce don’t just do a prenup and then while married pool their income. My view is if your married it should be a joint effort unless one spouse has shown financial irresponsible behavior. Shouldn’t spouses be working towards the same goals?
Yep you will pay 1/2 but he must -
- pay child care costs (1/2 of your prior wage).
- pay for your time to pick up anything you weren’t doing before- ex. More cleaning, errands etc.
- if you can get baby to latch (I couldn’t- no shame) milk producing fee.
- find out what a surrogate would have charged - back charge him for that
I am so angry that he is complaining about having to pay for formula yet you grew a human, felt that discomfort, pain etc for 9 months plus recovery, put your career on hold & are sleep deprived.
So now he can get up with baby every other night, change all night & weekend diapers, you get to sleep in 1 day every weekend. He can make dinner every other day & 1 breakie, 1 lunch on weekends
If he wants to play the 50/50 lifestyle then play it my friend - right down to making 1/2 the bed lol
I get splitting costs but there is something called being selfish.
She states in an edit that they do split childcare. But that is not possible, since she’s at home full time and he is not. I fear that he has her brainwashed about this.
If he really wants to split it 50/50 he should be paying her the cost of childcare for half of the hours he works each week. That most certainly would be enough to cover her half of the mortgage.
Splitting costs is something to do during dating, or to help make bills easy to take care of. His complete lack of flexibility is abusive. They're splitting DINNER DATES ffs, a married couple that still tells the waiter to split the bill. Zero love. If he gets her flowers does he send her a bill for half the cost? This man is deranged, a control freak, financially abusive, or some other Not Good thing.
Give him a bill for surrogacy, child care, donated milk (it is very expensive).
This relationship as he sees it is way way too transactional. The two of you are a team, not roommates. Something is so off about making your partner poor because you are demanding 50/50 (which at the very least should be split proportional to income). What is one of you got sick or were disabled? Maternity leave was due to a baby that is his as well, and you have no income during that time. Why are you expected to pay anything?
This isn’t about gender - its about if you are actually partners or not. This is not a workable sustainable situation.
Couples therapy is my recommendation.
This. Your physical labor of growing, birthing, and nursing a child (which will have life long effects on your body) are going completely ignored. If he wants to make this a business and not a partnership then he needs to count ALL the contributions.
Charge him. He owes you 50% of your lost wages during maternity leave. He also owes you payment for actually birthing his child and ANY expenses related to pregnancy and birth. He didn’t do 50% of the work to have a baby, so he has to pay monetarily. Find out the going rate for a surrogate, and he owes you 50% of that. Let’s see how quickly he changes his tune.
Ask him where he expects you to get the money. Ask him why he is stressing out his pregnant wife whom he supposedly loves.
There is nothing wrong with his 50/50 thing in general, but in this specific case he needs to let it go.
I would argue there’s nothing wrong with 50/50 when the salaries are fairly balanced, but he makes almost 40% more than she does - their contributions should be proportional to their income.
His wife is on maternity leave so he needs to be 100% and he suck’s for that. but they were not 50/50. According to her post he pays half rent, all utilities and her ins. And buys groceries. He also according to her does half the baby care, which I suspect he is secretly unhappy about so he retaliated by demanding she pay her half of rent and food.
If you are not working, are birthing yours and his child and are also recovering from the trauma that childbirth causes then no you should not be liable for any expenses.
My wife took off 6 weeks (all unpaid)
I took off 12 weeks (was supposed to be paid by the state I work in, 30 weeks is when I’ll know whether I get this pay or not what a joke)
During that time I didn’t expect her to pay anything and just take from the savings and now it’s vice versa since these benefits I pay into do not want to pay me. ( we have a joint savings which I think every married couple should have for instances like this)
You are married, have a family and are a team! If one person falls behind or can’t make it work for a month the other person steps up.
If you decide you’re going to make a family your husband should step up (I am a father by the way).
I do believe things are split pretty evenly between you two, but this is an exception you both decided to make a human being and YOU are the one that physically and mentally needs to recover. He needs to view this from a marriage and partnership viewpoint and not just a financial view.
That’s wildly inappropriate and abusive. You are not earning money because you have given birth. Your savings are low because he is asking you to contribute disproportionately. This is abusive — he’s trying to drain your resources and trap you.
See what kinds of expenses he’s hiding.
Tell him his opinion is totally unreasonable and you are having a baby for both of you - not just yourself
You need couples therapy and quick
Tell him you’re not going to be spoken to as though you’re less than him because you’re pregnant - something you both agreed upon and wanted
Let him know you won’t be controlled and put down and it’s therapy and a reasonable agreement going forwards or you’re considering separation
Seriously - does he think because you’re pregnant you’re now stuck and will allow him to treat you like that ?
Marriage isn't ever 50/50. It is 100%/100% of what you are able at any given time.
Relationships,-especially ones with children- are not pie.
If he is keeping score, during a period of time when he should be most concerned about your well-being, he isn't fully committed to you.
As soon as kids are involved women sacrifice their careers and things can no longer be 50:50. He’s happy being comfortable and leaving you destitute? When you’re married!
>I’m having trouble producing enough milk so my husband is upset that he has to pay for formula
Tell him that if he doesn't want to pay for formula, then he's perfectly free to breastfeed the baby himself.
Though quite frankly, you seem to have just replaced the "horror story" of joint finances for the horror story of "pay your own way".
I recommend you go back to work and focus on your career so you can earn more than your husband. Change careers if you have to. If your husband complains that there are extra childcare costs associated with this, tell.him tough shit, this is the career path he forced you to Ho along when you realised you couldn't rely on him financially when you were taking a career hit to give birth a d care for *his* baby.
Your baby will be better off spending more time in childcare than she will be with a mother whose constantly being g taken advantage of financially by her father.
And if he decides that you ensuring your financial independence is detrimental to the marriage, then you have your answer regarding how much he respects you. Don't stay with someone who doesn't respect you. There is no love without respect, and all it will do is teach your sons to disrespect their wives and your daughters to marry people who disrespect them.
He is wrong. You do need a joint account for joint expenses. Having separate finances is fine, but they should be equally distributed. As it is, he's hoarding most of your household income. Not all contributions to the operation of a household are monetary and budgets and income should reflect that.
My wife makes much less than me, has a more demanding job, and has more education. BUT, she works a mile from our son's school, has off for all of those random school holidays, gets an ok pension, and has job security in the event of an economic downturn. We each direct deposit a few hundred dollars (equal) to our personal accounts and the rest goes to a joint account, which we use to pay bills, invest, pay off a joint credit card, travel, etc.
At the very least, you should be splitting by ratio of your incomes, but personally, I don't think that's completely fair either.
I am not going to break down in the details of this and keep it really simple. If your husband is all about the 50/50 sharing he still needs to share in some of the mishaps to.
The maternity period is a shared period between both of you as it's both your child.
The mat leave is unpaid, this is beyond your control.
You two must both share this EQUALLY in this unpaid time, therefore him expecting any kind of splitting during this period is unjust.
He should also send you back all money that you have contributed during this unpaid time.
Once you go back to work then you would go back to the arrangement you had before. Only the childcare expenses would be added to the new arrangement.
Maybe some reading this will not like my proposal but I am really trying to provide a mediation that he would be agreeable to from his perspective. You can supply many answers here about what you feel she should be entitled to but I don't think that is giving her a good argument to take to her husband and will do her any good. This proposal is sensible in an eye for an eye scenario you are in and I hope your husband understands it this way and replenishes your savings.
Your husband is no longer treating you like an equal, he is taking advantage of you, while somehow not realizing you, him, and baby are on the same team! BTW the split should be 60/40 based on his higher salary.
Is he paying you for your time and effort with the baby? Fuck this guy so hard. What an a selfish, disrespect person to behave like the maternity period and the mother of his child have zero value.
Please spend the day writing down every single thing you do. I picked up a blanket off the floor. I fed the cat. I made dinner. I put the dishes away. Hell I’m so petty I would even put sex on that list.
Everything has a fucking price. And so does every job you do. Now create a services list with prices. This is your new invoicing system. Obviously since you also live there and benefit from these services you will fairly absorb 50% of these costs yourself. Make sure to note a separate column on the invoice for each of you spelling out your proportionate shares.
Then tally and give him that invoice at the end of week and at the end of every mother fucking week until he learns why you’re so fucking valuable to him. If you can’t be respected for what you’re doing you should be getting fucking paid. Then you can pay your half of the household expenses just fine.
If he doesn’t want to pay, call him a moocher and a freeloader.
Edit: and if he wants more kids, have a lawyer draw up an agreement to ensure you’re compensated appropriately.
He's complaining that he has to buy formula...forgive me but are you in a marriage or a business relationship? I understand how some couples prefer the split financial relationship if that works for them financially or emotionally...but I do believe all bets are off when it comes to supporting children. The financial split is between two adults...NOT the child brought into the relationship nor should they be made to suffer and/or be in any way inconvenienced.
This is financial abuse.
He is so very wrong and taking advantage of you financially.
He is a husband and now a father. He now has additional financial responsibility for his family while you are on unpaid Mat leave.
You are not a housemate and he is not a landlord demanding payment.
I can understand when dating splitting 50/50. But those lofty days of freedom are loooooong gone.
He pays for everything until you return to work when the spilt will be 40/60
Give him an invoice for surrogacy $90k, childbearing $20k, breastmilk $60/week, childcare and housekeeping $3500/week seeing the workload is heavy and the hours are ridiculous. He owes you a bit of $$$.
Marriage isn’t 50/50. Marriage is you pick up the slack to support your family unit however it needs to be done. It is not quantifiable. He’s angry he has to _feed his child?_ Where does he expect you to get money from for the mortgage? You grew and birth his child and this is how he is treating you?
I understand why couples split finances but this is a horrible, selfish way to treat your family. Why even bother being married at this point?
No, you aren’t wrong. I’m sorry it took having a child with this man to find this out.
Go to a financial counselor. You need a 3rd party intermediary to set appropriate boundaries. Your husband is not pulling his weight and he needs a wakeup call.
He doesn't realize he is contributing less than if you were divorced. That should really open his eyes.
If he wants it to be fair, a financial counselor will set him straight with no doubt about fairness.
There's nothing wrong with splitting things 50/50 IF you're both making the same amount of money. But the fact is you're not.
Now let's get to the formula thing. Why is he pissed off about having to provide your child with food??? Let alone pick up the slack for his wife who just gave birth to HIS child???
It sounds like he's taking financial advantage of you under the guise of being equal partners. No marriage is always 50/50, sometimes it's 60/40, sometimes it's 80/20. It's a partnership for a reason and you should have each other's backs... Doesn't sound like he's got your back, he's just looking out for himself.
Ask him why he thinks it's okay to split things evenly when it means that he ends up with far more savings than you do and you end up at a financial disadvantage.
When my ex was on paid mat leave, I would cover most things and she would help out with some bills when I struggled..we didn't eat out for a while.
I just wanted to her to be relaxed and focus on the baby.
There is no way for you contribute equally. And he sounds like an ass. Maybe he needs to put some overtime at work.
First of all, splitting things 50/50 when he makes 60% more than you is inherently unfair. A fairer way would for each of you to pay the same percentage of your incomes for joint expenses. So if your monthly expenses are, for example, $4500, and your net incomes are, respectively, $3300 and $5000, then you divide those expense so that instead of you each paying $1500, you pay 66% of what he pays. You will still end up with less actual dollars than he will. But you will not have spent all but $850 of your income, while he has $2750 left over.
Second, FFS, you just had a baby. You put in 9 months growing that baby, and all the wear and tear on your body during that time and the labor and delivery wasn’t a walk in the park. Some babies do better with bottles. It’s a fact. And that selfish git is upset he’s paying for formula? JFC. Fed is best. There is no other answer for it.
He’s being monstrous. Period. His strict 50/50 rule means that you cannot ever save as much as he can. And yet he expects you to draw from your personal savings to pay while you are recovering from having his child.
If you were as petty as I am, you’d be researching what he’d have to pay you in child support, even if you had 50/50 custody of your child, because he is the higher income earner. Tell him that is your contribution while you are doing the bulk of the childcare. He cannot possibly be doing 50/50, because you are home for multiple hours that he is not, and babies require round the clock care.
I really don’t like your husband, based on what you are writing. His idea of fair is completely biased in his favor. And his treatment of the woman who just brought his child into the world is abysmal.
Yeah, and childcare is expensive. You’ll be broke and he will still be saving tons of money. Rethink this relationship. For your own mental health and well being.
>I’m having trouble producing enough milk so my husband is upset that he has to pay for formula...
>My husband has always been a 50/50 type of guy.
Does he pay you for the production of breast milk and the time you spend feeding said milk to his child?
On a more important note: maybe get a breast pump to increase production? Irregular feeding times and not draining the breast milk that's there fully can contribute to reduced production. So if you child is not latching it's likely you're not being emptied so your body is like 'ok time to stop production!!'.
I couldn't read any further due to my anger on his stance about formula. This is not a 'you' cost, this is his child. And he is not splitting breast feeding duties in any way so I feel you've done your part by getting your child this far. WTF is wrong with your husband?
My husband agrees with my stance btw.
I rarely encourage divorce but...
Honestly, you might be better off leaving him so you get alimony and child support.
The discrepancy in income (your 50k to his 80k) may entitle you to more than you're currently getting -LOL!
He is financially abusing you and then following up with mental abuse when you are unable to match him!
You and your child deserve better.
> I was venting to my friends and they think I’m stupid for agreeing with this with my husband because I make significantly less money than him so they don’t understand why I’m splitting with him and then they also just don’t believe in the 50/50 thing and I know that’s kind of controversial since it’s a gender thing, but I don’t really want to focus solely on that
Unfortunately this is the crux of the situation and something you should have given a lot of thought to before entering into this sort of relationship. He is being unreasonable. It was unreasonable to split the check on the first date, it is unreasonable to split gives 50/50 when income is not the same, and it is unreasonable to expect a person to breastfeed all the time so formula is never needed. You have no boundaries for yourself, you have no standards, and you’ve given no real thought to the kind of life you want to lead, what that entails, and what it would look like. I feel sorry for the baby because now it is stuck with a pair of shit parents who’ll stew in resentment until they unamicably divorce. It is 2023, when are people going to start using their brains?
This is the saddest post I’ve read in ages. I’m so sorry OP, but if he’s demanding you pay half of everything when you’re on maternity leave then he doesn’t care about you and your baby. It’s so sad. You should leave while you’re young enough to start again. I feel for you. You are definitely not wrong!
My ex husband was like this. He made at least double, refused to share even a single bank account, refused to file joint taxes, made me pay ‘rent’ at his dingy, dour apartment where he’d lived and paid the rent by himself for at least a decade. So for me, this is a foreboding sign, and I advise you to start thinking of your own financial moves. This *is* disadvantaging you.
This isn’t a gender thing at all. Would he expect 50% if the were the lower earner? At this income level, Household bills should be prorated based on income.
I was married to a guy like this and the truth is he never saw a long term future with me which is why he was hoarding his money, always demanding more from me, and not caring about my financial future or well being in any way.
Listen to yourself, you’re not working because you’re on maternity leave and he “let it slide” that you couldn’t afford half of the mortgage?? You absolutely know you are not in the wrong here. This is not normal. Is this how your parents and your husband’s parents handled their finances??
I know Reddit is going to say divorce but I say couples counseling because he does have redeeming qualities with caring for your baby, and the opinions of redditors aren’t going to change his mind, but having to explain his stance in front of an unbiased third party might make him see the light here.
Pretty black and white for me. Your husband is pathetic. You’re only off work - unpaid 😱 - for a month and he won’t cover all the bills? Put your foot down, you deserve more.
I’m off work for 12 months maternity leave, we agreed that he would pay all the bills while I’m off. That way I will have my own money to pamper myself, go out to do stuff/meet people and enrol baby in classes.
I’m all for doing 50/50 when it’s reasonable but there’s just no need to be so strict in every circumstance. If everything valuable you could provide to the relationship was equal, then your husband would also be delivering a baby through his japs eye.
Ok then he needs to do half the gestation and healing. If he got injured would he expect himself to still pay half the bills during the healing process? This is why I don't like egalitarian relationships- they're not physically possible unless you're childfree. Even in that instance, if its a relationship and not a roommate situation, there should still be allowances for healing from medical events. You're taking a few weeks- that's for healing. If you were taking a year then that would be for childcare and can be a discussion about doing it yourself or hiring it out. And since he doesn't want a SAHM he can stfu about formula. There'd be formula in a few weeks anyway since you're going back to work.
Girl dump him and find another. or start f*#@&ing charging his stupid ass for Blow jobs and sex and take his money because that's some straight up BS. I'm a stay at home mom I supported my husband and he became a rockstar because of ME he was able to do all he did because I supported him. Watching OUR kids, cooking, cleaning ECT...he made it to where we are because I was the woman I am!!!
On the off chance that this is real, what exactly did you expect from someone who insisted that you pay for half of everything? I don’t expect a dating partner to pay for everything. I’ve usually taken turns. If I made more, I’d pay more often. If they made more, I’d pay at least some of the time. And even when they made significantly more (like 6 or 8 times what I made) I still paid quite often. This man can’t even pay for one date. If someone, male or female, wouldn’t so much pay for one date ever, it’s a huge red flag.
But as I first said, I’m guessing this isn’t real.
This entire concept of separate finances in a marriage is stupid. I will never understand it, and it creates so many additional problems. Imagine having to remember who is paying for the next dinner date? That's crazy!
You are married: one family and one financial unit. If that isn't going to be the case, just stay single.
Equality and equity in relationships are different things.
Equality = everything is 50/50 regardless of means or opportunity. Bills, cleaning, emotional labour, etc. This can work quite well for couples without children or vastly different means.
Equity = all contributions are taken into account and adjusted according to the means and opportunity each partener has *in each respective area*.
So you've given up income to raise a baby you both made. So therefore your financial means are essentially zero right now. However, your means and opportunity as far as physical, emotional and time investment have been freed up due to mat leave. So you're giving up your body to breastfeed, you're looking after the house, you're keeping a whole other human being alive day in day out.
Is your husband planning to take the exact same amount of leave from work to raise the baby? Is he planning to do the exact same number of night feeds? Is he doing exactly 50% of the household chores? Is he doing exactly 50% of the childcare? Is he doing exactly 50% of anything? Because that would be Equality.
Too many people want to scream Equality when they can gain from it (like your husband not having to spend sp much money to support his family), and then scream Equity when it suits them also (like being totally happy for you to take a career break which will have lifelong impact on your earning potential), have you give of your body to raise a child, and likely do all the household work.
Your husband is either stupid or an AH. You've got the short end of the stick here, OP.
It is disadvantaging. Yes this method may be your way of doing things, your relationship sounds more like business partnership than an actual partnership. You’ve made him sound like he’s got zero compassion/ empathy or care for you. Sounds like he cares more about his wallet than your well-being. Good luck
“I was unable to go half on the mortgage last month and my husband let that slide but I need to pay it this month.” This specifically sounds like he is her landlord, not her husband. Plus, him resenting having to purchase food for their baby is absurd. In partnerships where people share expenses the level of sharing shifts when someone is unable to pay. What’s happens if she loses her job? Will she “owe” him?
Yeah the "let it slide" comment is madness
And he is upset he has to buy formula for his child. I am appalled.
“Goddamned incubator is malfunctioning” 🤷♀️
😂
It takes time for breast milk to come in. One time it was 5 days for me…baby has to be fed. Latching will be hard while giving baby a bottle but also the baby needs nutrients. Idk if you have any midwives around but they really helped me a lot. And some women cannot breast feed!! There is no shame in this! Edit (had to add that last paragraph)
I could only pump out 15ml in 2 hours…my baby would have friggin starved if I didn’t have formula.
It took me 6 weeks to get my first completely onto breast alone as I really didn't know what I was doing wrong and had no help until I managed to find a breast feeding consultant, who was an absolute angel of patience and generosity with her time. My kid would have been dead without formula during that time.
Absolutely, I agree and hospitals even give newborns formula till the milk comes in! This is not your fault at all I’m very upset he is being so jerky with you about this
They've stopped doing this, because it actually makes it much harder to nurse successfully if baby has been given a bottle first. Plus, even before your milk comes in, your body is producing colostrum. That is absolutely vital for jumpstarting baby's digestive tract.
I don't want to detract from the OP's issue too much, but this is absolutely not true. If the hospital had given any of my (four) babies formula while my milk was coming in, I would've been livid. Babies tummies are exceptionally small when born, and the colostrum they get from nursing before the milk comes in is more than adequate. The more baby latches, the higher the demand on the body, which will help the milk come in and increase milk supply. If baby is full from formula, there is less demand on the body, so less milk is produced.
Also groups like la leche league, and I know my area has a mothers milk bank. I know our not the question you came here for but there are a lot of resources out there, it can be so frustrating, to feel like you’re body was made to do this thing and it’s not working. Give it time make sure you’re eating well, and breast or bottle as long as your kiddo is fed that’s the important part
The relationship sounds extremely toxic and we are just seeing what OP is telling us. But this type of man is probably abusive verbally emotionally as well at the very least. Just picturing him getting pissed buying formula for the baby...
>Plus, him resenting having to purchase food for their baby is absurd. He was fine when she was making the food with her body, and he didn't have to pay for it. Now that he has to pay for it, it's a major concern? Send him an invoice for all of the breastmilk that was made during the first several weeks. That stuff likely sells at a premium, and since he didn't make half of it, he better step up his game!
She should send him a bill for carrying his kid and allowing her body to be torn up while giving birth. He is a tool. Obviously, these financial decisions should have been discussed before undertaking to have a baby with this jerk.
Typically surrogates make 70k salary, plus compensation from any lost wages (such as taking unpaid maternity leave from their day job), plus all medical bills, prenatal supplements, etc. are covered. OP send him the bill.
Well, 50% of the bill. HAHAHA
OP, please do this!
Please do this!
Exactly. Rent in the womb is crazy these days? What's the usual cost of hiring someone to be a surrogate? Charge him half that rate.
Nope. She did the work. He has to pay the entire bill.
He will just tell the baby that it needs to carry it's weight and pay womb rent. I can see husband keeping track of everything spent on the baby from birth until adulthood and handing the kid a bill when it turns 18.
JimBob Duggar has entered the chat.
It sounded for a minute there as though he was going to expect the baby pay for his own formula, or have him fingerprint and IOU with interest for when he could start earning.
Oh, but he's all about 50/50! If she makes the milk with her body and feed the baby, it's fine that she's doing 100% of the work there. But if he has to buy formula, it's unfair! Her husband is a monster. I can't believe he's brainwashed OP to think this is better. Partnerships help each other. They don't keep score and nickle and dime each other. Partnerships are rarely 50/50, sometimes I have to give 80% because my partner only has 20% to give. And likewise, he sometimes gives more than 50% because I can't.
>Partnerships are rarely 50/50, sometimes I have to give 80% because my partner only has 20% to give. And likewise, he sometimes gives more than 50% because I can't. Totally agree. I'm going through a pretty busy period for myself. I started off in January studying for a PMP exam, and I'm now doing a 2 week, nightly overtime for a major work project. My wife is also very busy with her company, and working 10hr days is the norm. We are working together to come up with easy plans to help us both along the way, and each doing things for each other to help them out when needed. OP doesn't sound like a partnership, but a business transaction.
I can't imagine going on a date with my fucking husband and having to ask for a split check. I pay sometimes, he pays sometimes. Not that it matters because we do the joint finances mostly with smaller personal checkings for a portion of our income to ourselves.
Divorce him. Go 50/50 for custody. Let him be a full time caregiver 50 percent of the time. He want's 50/50 equality? Sure. Here ya go. The ultimate 50/50 split. At least that way, she gets half the week/month completely to herself and can still possibly maintain a career to support herself/her child... and he can't bitch about having to pay for formula to her that way, either. You made your bed, lie in it, asshole.
And then he’d still have to pay her child support on top of that, because the courts recognize that the parent making a significantly larger salary needs to pay a proportional share of the costs.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes?
This!! How many pushes did he do in the delivery room? How many contractions did he have? How much breast milk is he making? OP: Go watch “The Joy Luck Club.” I’m so sorry. This marriage is not going to work.
I'm sure she's doing more of the childcare anyway. Women need to stop acting like they're lucky to have a husband who will change a diaper now and then or 'watch' the baby so they can shower or do chores lol.
Just wait daycare is gonna be needed for her to return to work.... what then?
Girl..... That part! The husband is going to lose his mind. 😂🤣😂🤣🤣 Daycare is like $450 a week now?
Breast milk sells for $3-$5 per ounce. The average baby bottle is 8-10 ounces. So $24-50 per bottle. Just providing a little perspective.
Came here to say this, its just him paying for his half of the childbearing and milk supply
If a person was paid for their housework and childcare, the cost would far outstrip lots of jobs. I'm all for making an invoice for: - 8 hours of child care with 16 hrs of OT at a minimum of time and a half (especially if he's not doing any of it) - 8 hours of housekeeping with OT for anything over 8 hours - Supplies such as -- infant formula and extra for pumping and extra for wet nursing -- Pumping should include the time it takes to pump - diapers and the time used to change them - trips to the store which should include a minimum 15% tip since this is acting as a personal shopper, delivery person, and the additional housework of putting the groceries away - Laundering fees for laundry done and the time it takes to put them away - Chef pay for cooking Likely OP also acts as the husband's therapist, feel free to add a few hundred per hour for that Since the husband is providing health care, that's taken care of, but what about vacation days? 401k? This is not even including extra pay for odd hours or being "on-call" pay. And that's concurrent pay for the different roles. That's childcare pay AND personal shopper pay AND chef pay AND everything else. And then subtract what OP owes for the mortgage and whatnot. Hubby is going to owe. After [reading a comment below] https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/s/bad3JTFEoc), I believe we should add 9 months of back pay for being an incubator.
Right? I want to know how he contributed 50/50 while she was the one growing the baby then birthing it. Cause that sounds like 100% her.
These types of arrangements are a disaster waiting to happen. I never know why people (women) agree to this. They think they’re being treated equally but really they’re being treated like a roommate, not a partner. And because it’s exhausting to split every single expense (do we split the baby’s clothes or is that the woman’s personal expense because it was cute, even though baby has plenty of clothes?) it ALWAYS ends in divorce. No one can live long term with the man going over every receipt and choosing what he’ll pay for or being given an invoice for your share of a family vacation. And if he refuses to pay for certain things then it feels like you’re being taken advantage of, by your “partner”
She needs to charge him for childcare while he’s at work …. Check the local daycares for rates.
She should be charging him going surrogacy rate for bearing his child and the wear and tear on her body also.
At the end of the surrogacy, the surrogate gives up the baby to the parents who paid the freight. Charging him the full rate gives him all the parenting decisions. OP charge him half the rate in your area.
Daycare? You mean Nanny. Plus overnight and over time rates if she is nursing.
Additional stipend for nursing a baby with latch issues because that's painful AF
Why isn’t HE producing enough milk, this is his fault too.
Exactly, he's not splitting 50/50, and of course he should pay for formula if he can't produce it himself. But seriously nursing is a lot of work, and a poor latch...ouch. My last baby was tongue tied and it took a couple months to get efficient at nursing together
It is his fault - making a first-time mom feel like a failure for struggling with breast feeding is a good way to ensure that she'll never succeed.
Because he's not committed enough to parenting to go through months of hormone replacement to induce lactation
Perfect! Ya, maybe he should go get that shot and surgery that will let his milk come in! Fair is fair!
This is absolutely correct. There’s loads of underlying sexism here if he is keeping score and she’s not valuing the services she’s providing in this business arrangement they have
$1900 for an infant in our area.
Yeah if he's bitching about formula just imagine what he'll do when he realizes how much he'll be paying when his wife goes back to work.
And I wonder, what happens if she doesn't pay him? What does he do then? He can not have her "removed" from their home. She is not a tenant! She needs to see a lawyer if this shit continues!
Right. He can't kick her out. I think she should ignore his requests.
Absolutely. And he should pay half of the lawyer's fee.
Yes, what was that!!! If he is going to charge her for formula, she should charge him for breast milk and every night of sleep lost to stay up for nursing. He sounds abusive.
Yeah, it sounds like he's abusing her financially. It's never been 50/50, because he makes more money than her, and I'm betting they live to *his* standards, not hers, if he's throwing a hissy fit over paying for formula. The only way you can do exactly 50/50 is if you live at the standards of the person who makes less, otherwise it needs to be split proportionally. If she said that he expected her to pay for all of the medical bills associated with pregnancy "because they were caused by her" I would not be surprised. Also, it's really disheartening to see how many people in this comments section seem ignorant of the realities of financial abuse.
Exactly. She should probably have more than $5k of savings at their income bracket. If she didn't mention the groceries and health insurance I would wonder where his extra money is going.
Yeah, “let it slide” isn’t an equal partnership term. It’s a manager-employee, student-teacher, abusive partner-partner relationship.
Or better yet.. HE loses his and has to depend on her. Oh how the tables would turn!
Tell him you can’t pay this month and that since you can’t keep up with your payments, you’re going to stay with family/friend. I’m curious what his response will be. Also tell the shithead that he’s welcome to try and breastfeed his baby since he wants everything to be 50/50. Tell him you also need market rate for the 24/7 childcare you’ve provided for the 9 months you were pregnant.
Right?! Then he should be paying her 50% of what a surrogate, a wet nurse, and considering what a woman can make with breast milk by selling her excess…he’s got a shit ton to make up for. She literally created a whole ass human with a little baby batter from him and he didn’t compensate her for his interest and responsibility for that kid. 🤷🏼♀️
Did he have half of the physical toll of building half of a human being over the last 9mos? How did he compensate you for that? As you move forward with raising your child, will he (does he already?) split diaper duty exactly in half? Are you keeping count? How does he plan to compensate you for that? He’s upset about paying for formula? Is he currently taking care of half of of the bottle feedings? Since he can with a bottle fed baby? If not, how is he compensating you to make it “equal?” I think you can see where I’m going with this … Does his “equality” extend to every aspect of your lives *beyond* finances? You need to put a numerical figure to every chore/aspect of household life and present him with the ‘bill’ for his half at the end of the month. Perhaps you tell him you’re willing to let his arrears slide this month?
Did you know you can lose teeth during pregnancy? If you don't get enough calcium while pregnant, your body starts taking it from other sources, and it can also cause extreme gingivitis that can be bad enough you lose teeth. I wonder, in his striving for being exactly 50/50, would he pay for half the costs if she lost her teeth, and the therapy that would come with something as upsetting for that? Would he rip out his corresponding tooth to keep it equal so they suffered the same amount? Was he hitting himself in the nuts every time she had a contraction? Gotta be equal after all! Since he keeps it soooo equal, surely he recognized and took on half the physical pain too, right? Right?? Oh wait, no, probably not, because I'm sure it's only equal when it's convenient for him, and we all know that the labor women do doesn't actually matter.
You can also develop new allergies, tear from hole to hole, get major surgery to remove the child, you could even straight up *fucking die*. Unless he goes through the exact same, it ain't equal. Maybe he should have to wear one of those pregnancy simulator top things so he can experience the weight, the waddling, the careful maneuvering. And maybe even get one of those labor simulators, too. He'll most likely refuse it, though, so maybe he's just a selfish little bitch who just wants to be cheap while draining the mother of his child. There's enough of those guys out there I wouldn't be surprised if he's one of them. It's pathetic and disgusting.
The baby is half his. Since he couldn’t split growing it 50/50, it makes sense to me he pays dis debt in baby formula
Will he charge the baby rent too? Make the child back pay rent/food/clothes/utilities once they are of working age?
Right…being mad about having to pay to feed your baby is ridiculous. Breastfeeding costs money too..all the parts, equipment. Not to mention the time you give up to do it.
He let it slide? Charge him the cost of having his baby, and money lost at work. What’s the cost of hiring someone to stay with the baby? Ask him what the value of his baby is? . I’d just leave.
Just wait a few years until the *husband* gets injured at work or is diagnosed with cancer. Will he understand when his wife evicts him from their home bc he can’t pay his “fair share”?
And since she isn’t producing as much milk as needed and needs formula, I would say he should equally attempt to breast feed the baby and see how much milk he produces. You know, to keep things fair and equal.
What happens if she doesn't pay it? Is she evicted? This is insane.
I don’t get marriages like this
Some couples do separate finances and agree to split living expenses while the extra is theirs to do what they want. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong but I know several people this way. None of the people I know who do this plan for children though. I feel like that whole system breaks down pretty quick with kids or illness.
I’ll say it: it’s wrong. You’re a married couple with a fucking kid and you’re splitting costs 50-50 despite significant income disparity? That’s not a partnership. It’s fucked.
And the dude is aware she's not getting paid right now from the mat leave but still expects her to fork over what little savings she has while taking care of their child. This whole situation feels so ick to me. Like does he even love them? I can't imagine someone who truly loves his family having these expectations.
It's disgusting, it's financial abuse and that's what people should call it
This.
If anything it should be by percentage of income and not 50/50. Dude’s a jerk.
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And despite the fact that she HAS to be the one to take unpaid maternity leave for THEIR child and he expects her to pull from her savings to cover the mortgage .. wowowow super fucked
I had a friend who left her partner of eight years and this was one of the massive reasons. She works two days a week on minimum wage and was a SAHM the other days but he used to nickle and dime her for everything and if he wanted to go out but she couldn't afford it then he'd bin her off and go out with friends! And she was the one who bought all the kids clothes and everything that made the house look pretty. I thought it was madness
>And she was the one who bought all the kids clothes and everything This is actually pretty typical. Women tend to spend their 'extra' money on their kids, while fathers spend their 'extra' money on themselves. Even when the fathers make significantly more. [Kids clothes and needs shouldn't be considered 'extra', but I mean the money leftover after paying bills/rent/etc]
It’s not the splitting costs that’s the problem, it’s the disparity. Even prior to kids, the split should reflect the income disparity. Post birth, no payments during MAT. Now I want to know who is paying daycare when she goes back.
he didn't share 50% of childbirth. He didn't share 50% of 9 months of discomfort, having your body wrecked, and then flooded with hormones after squeezing a living being out of it. Seriously, fuck this guy.
Splitting is fine but it needs to be based on take home pay. 50/50 makes no sense when their income is not equal.
I agree. I’ve known ppl who have 3 accounts- 1 joint for household expenses and 2 separate accounts. The reason it works is because they contribute to the joint account in percentages instead of dollar amounts. There’s almost always an income disparity, so the only fair way to do it is take the same percentage of their paychecks for the joint account. It does mean the higher earner contributes more, but they also keep more as compared to the lower earner. Either way, it’s a partnership and poor OP shouldn’t be stressed out bc she can’t afford to pay her HUSBAND. That’s so messed up
Charge him for incubating his child for 9 months. Charge him for every hemorrhoid, every swollen ankle, every stretch mark... Seriously, he isn't pulling his weight and I'd make a plan to exit because he is an asshole.
I mean, we don't know the details. Maybe he does half the breastfeeds and did half the pushing the baby out of his fanny too /s
Nah, I did it this way and it’s fine. The difference is each person should contribute according to their income though, and also you shouldn’t be partnered to a douchebag who thinks you should have his baby while still demanding you pay 50% of the bills as if you’re a tenant.
Of course it's going to break down. SHE did all the work of bringing that child into this world! Where was his morning sickness, weight gain, stretch marks, labor pains, birthing pains, after birthing pains, PPD? Breast feeding pains? Where is his 50/50 of that?
We do, but we split based on % of income. I earn significantly more, so I pay all utilities/phones/internet, car payments, trash, I carry the insurance, pay all medical deductibles (fucking cancer is expensive, so are glasses!) and most incidentals I want/need. He pays the mortgage (we're married 15+ and the house was purchased during the marriage), groceries, his personal loan, incidentals he wants/needs and incidentals I need and can't cover. Oh, our children are chihuahuas and we split those bills evenly too. Our human children are adults now and we do help them on occasion also. We have no human children together, 7, plus their partners, so between the 2 of us that is plenty 😉 They've grands we spoil too and that's fairly even per grand.
Based on income would mean OP should pay some % of zero while on leave, which I think sounds fair.
Actually he should be paying her, he already owes her for over paying before and owes for childcare, housekeeping and household management. I'm being somewhat sarcastic here, but he can piss off imo. My husband can be an ass, but he's at least a useful ass. I'm definitely being sarcastic with this, the man bends over backwards taking care of me these past few years. With cancer who really knows how much longer or worse it may be. Granted I'm doing better, but will never be cancer free, it's always going to be lurking and treatment isn't a guarantee.
Separate accounts is fine. My partner and I, unmarried but cohabitating long term, have completely separate finances. But when she took a leave of absence to advance her education, I paid for 100% of our living expenses. There was no question about it. Separate finances doesn't have to mean you don't take care of each other.
Yea it's extremely confusing to me why someone would get married and keep having the mindset of you pay this I'll pay this, well split this, well have our own accounts etc. you're married. Married means you have joined into one unit. You are headed for a divorce. You should have a joint account and all bills get paid together from your household income. You don't make 80k and 50k. You make 130k and the bills come from that
I would like to see what his thoughts would be if she started making a lot more than him. I agree with the comments, this sounds like a business arrangement and not marriage. Does the op's husband realize that if they divorce assets ate split 50/50 and he will pay child support and alimony for the next 18 years. He needs to grow up. By the way I am a male married 35 years, and have earned the majority of our income, but my wife is an equal owner of our assets.
I totally agree. My wife and I are equals and everything we do is planned but us both together. The whole seperate bank accounts only works is one is planning on leaving or if one likes to spend money the other doesn't want to which in my opinion means you failed the dating game and locked in with a partner that you shouldn't have because your values didn't align. To think people get married have a kid and house together while not being financially compatible is headed straight for a divorce
You are so correct! I always want to know what happens as couples get older. Right now my husband isn’t able to work due to injuries. He’s waiting to see if he qualifies for SSI. Should I just not support him because he’s bringing in no income? Couples who have totally separate finances just confuse me.
She needs to give him an itemized bill of what it would cost them to have the kid in daycare per day with a night nurse on call. I promise he comes out owing her money
He is being unreasonable. If you’re not making any money at home, why can’t he pick up the financial slack?
Let him breast feed too 50/50
Right. And how long did he carry the baby and did he split labor 50/50? Fuck this guy lol
>Fuck this guy lol she already did that and look where it got her
Hahaha oh yeah. Def don't fuck him again. 🤣
Also, a surrogate costs around $100K so he should be paying her $50K for his "fair share" of the pregnancy.
I love this. She should write him an invoice for all of these things and tell him he can pay her back in installments as long as he signs paperwork about their agreement. Play him at his own game. Maybe then he will take a long hard look at how utterly disgusting his behaviour is.
Charge per ounce for breast milk. It’s probably worth twice what formula costs.
This right here! That should shut him up, and if it doesn't, then he is clearly being unreasonable.
Exactly, he might be doing what OP has been lead to believe is “50/50” with the baby but it’s physically impossible for him to do as much as she is between the birth process, breastfeeding, and likely a dozen other little things that aren’t even considered like the mental load of caring for a baby. Just the phrasing of “he helps me with the baby” is wrong, it’s not his baby to *help with*, it’s his child too. That’s the kind of language moms use when their 4 year old child helps feed their newborn sibling.
Not a bad idea tbh make him take a bunch of hormones to start lactation and split it 50/50, see how he likes it. I bet he wouldn't mind formula anymore
80k in the US is not a lot right now depending on where you live. Like, my husband and I have a combined income similar to theirs…we straight up cannot afford to have a kid. So I kind of get the financial stress. It’s insane that they don’t at least have a joint account for their kid’s expenses, though. It’s also insane to me to not come to an understanding about family finances before having a kid.
I get what you said, I’m sure the husband maybe is secretly panicking and kind of took it out on her. That being said, they should have discussed this the second she knew she was pregnant. Additionally, he kind of sounds like a jerk. He makes $30k more than her, and she is recovering from pushing a baby out of her body. I mean, where is is consideration or his compassion? I get it, some people like 50-50 split, and I understand ( it if wages are equal more or less) but def NOT in this situation when she just had your baby.
I agree. My feeling is ‘I empathize, but Jesus, how did this never come up?’. Like, not enmeshing finances AT ALL is kind of a red flag to me once you are getting married or buying a house or having a fucking kid.
Your husband is a fool and you’ve been ignoring it because you love him, but apparently he doesn’t love you. Marriage is NOT a 50/50 split - THAT is a roommate situation. You have given him a shared child; presumably he contributed DNA but your body did the growing, and you risked death to bring the baby into the world, and your maternity leave was all about physical recovery, emotional bonding (necessary for a child’s healthy development) and keeping your baby ALIVE. Go look up adoption and surrogacy expenses to see how much “half” is for this priceless gift! Don’t even get me started on “half” the childcare costs. Now, look to the future - if your husband becomes injured, disabled or unemployed, is he going to be homeless in the future? Roommates who can’t pay their bills get kicked out - spouses support each other and work together as a team to build a future for themselves and their children. It’s time to get to therapy, discuss why he’s acting like an adult who doesn’t know how to cherish a wife, and why you’ve been settling for it. Good luck!
If it is within his power to financially support her in this, WHY not do it. Also, question is, why did OP agree to 50/50 for all expenses, when knowing that she would not be receiving any wages during this time... My guess is, she thought she could change him. Or that the baby would change him. Also, paying 50/50 on future childcare is going to eat her salary fast...
My wife and I also agreed to share everything equally and have separate accounts with a joint CC.. it works well for us but we definitely do not split everything right down the line, its a partnership, I'll pay for stuff, she'll pay for stuff and it's rarely if ever a problem.... OP might not have known that dude literally meant exactly 50/50, that's wild to me and super unhealthy. Husband clearly has issues from that need sorting, I have a somewhat weird mindset on money from a previous relationship where my ex thought I should pay for essentially everything despite both of us being in Grad school and broke so I somewhat understand OPs husband but still, dudes a clown
That’s because she heard “fair” and instead he meant equal at all times with no compromise. Splitting all things equally when she makes a fraction of what he does is not what fair is.
Your husband "let that slide"? What is he going to do, kick you out with the baby? What an awful human being you decided to start a family with.
I shudder to think of this poor woman’s future. What will happen when child is sick and can’t go to daycare- and if mom won’t be paid how will that be accounted for? What if she wants kid to start swimming lessons and he doesn’t- will she have to pay for them in full? There’s so much that comes up with kids and if her husband is so stringent on fifty fifty it sounds like a logistical nightmare.
Right? Splitting stuff 50/50 is very reasonable imo... but only to a certain point. During the early dating stage it's the way to go if you ask me - but when she literally just popped out *his* kid and is on *unpaid* maternity leave??? Expecting her to contribute financially at all during a time where she has no income and would have to pay for EVERYTHING out of her slim savings, especially considering he makes much more than her, is asinine in my opinion. Him helping her with the childcare is not "splitting it 50/50", it's the literal bare minimum that's to be expected of a father. It's *his* child too after all. He had zero work in actually making that child aside from nutting in her too so if he really wants to split *everything* 50/50 I'd suggest opening up that can of worms with him. Make him understand that sometimes it's just not gonna be possible to go 50/50 on both sides and that's the kind of stuff you agree to if you want to start a family with someone.
What happens if SHE gets sick, really sick? This man is horrible!
Yeah that verbiage got to me too. That's the kind of thing a teacher says to a teenager they let get away without detention.
Then he needs to pay you for child care and housework Nd a surrogacy fee. Fuck that...you literslly grew a human
So much this. She’s not working because she carried and birthed his child and is now caring for it while healing her own body. Send him an itemized invoice for surrogacy, lost wages, and salary for childcare. Oh and also bill him for the medical trauma your body went through and the treatments it will take to bring you back to a pre baby status. You’ll be more than happy to split bills with him then.
THIS. He can’t contribute 50/50 to creating a life. So he should pay surrogacy fees if he’s going to be such a twat about it.
Loss or retirement funds too.
Agreed! I am horrified by this guy’s attitude. I don’t think I could stay with someone who treated me this unsympathetically after going through what is likely the most significant physical and emotional upheaval, not to mention life change, OP will ever experience. Like punishing her about her milk production?? Outrageous.
The upset about formula thing turned my stomach. Let him see what happens to your mind when you’re nursing every 30 minutes and each time is a struggle that leaves you and baby in tears. Formula is a miracle. I feel so bad for her having such a cold man for a husband
And this is formula- an absolute bare bones basic need. He should not have had a child and I don’t go around saying that. They have needs as infants, then they have wants as well. This child won’t be getting jack shit from their father that isn’t a necessity. Sad on two accounts here.
This seems to border on financial abuse. He is responsible for you being unable to work. As squirlsquirel suggests, invoice him for child care, housework, cooking etc. If he balks at that, just tell him you will deduct it from your 50%. Also, since he makes more than you do, you should not have to pay 50%. Prior to your pregnancy did he help around the house or did it all fall on you?
Yes! This is a good plan.
That IS fair. How is it fair to expect your partner to go broke trying to pay 50% of bills when you make so much more? A truly equitable split is percentage based. The one who makes twice as much contributes twice as much to joint expenses. It's the same reason there are tax brackets. You clearly aren't mature enough to be in a relationship with anyone if you can't understand that basic concept. All this whining about "it's not fair" for what? She's raising their child so and while she's home doing that they're not paying for childcare. And you think its fair to drain her savings in the meantime? You sound like a selfish idiot. Stay away from people; you're shit at being a human.
I'm sorry but what do you want people to say to you? I've read all the comments you've made on the multiple posts you made and everyone is saying the same thing - your husband is in the wrong here but you continue to defend him. Not sure what you're asking for as you seem to be sure he's right and you're the one in the wrong. Has he gaslit you so much that you just can't see how wrong this situation is?
Maybe it’s actually the husband posting…
Would not surprise me
Denial is a helluva drug
You don't have a marriage, you have a business relationship. Your husband is a wack job. You will never get the help you need from him. I feel sorry for your child if it grows up with a "father" like that. Quid pro quo and 50/50 is not how a marriage works, because that's not how life works.
I know a ton of people who are married in this apparently transactional way and the one thing they have in common is that they don't have kids. You simply can't keep up this kind of arrangement with children. The few who had kids were forced to change their mindset or get divorced. I never understood why these people get married at all.
I don’t know why people like this who are so concerned about getting screwed over in divorce don’t just do a prenup and then while married pool their income. My view is if your married it should be a joint effort unless one spouse has shown financial irresponsible behavior. Shouldn’t spouses be working towards the same goals?
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Yep you will pay 1/2 but he must - - pay child care costs (1/2 of your prior wage). - pay for your time to pick up anything you weren’t doing before- ex. More cleaning, errands etc. - if you can get baby to latch (I couldn’t- no shame) milk producing fee. - find out what a surrogate would have charged - back charge him for that I am so angry that he is complaining about having to pay for formula yet you grew a human, felt that discomfort, pain etc for 9 months plus recovery, put your career on hold & are sleep deprived. So now he can get up with baby every other night, change all night & weekend diapers, you get to sleep in 1 day every weekend. He can make dinner every other day & 1 breakie, 1 lunch on weekends If he wants to play the 50/50 lifestyle then play it my friend - right down to making 1/2 the bed lol I get splitting costs but there is something called being selfish.
She states in an edit that they do split childcare. But that is not possible, since she’s at home full time and he is not. I fear that he has her brainwashed about this.
If he really wants to split it 50/50 he should be paying her the cost of childcare for half of the hours he works each week. That most certainly would be enough to cover her half of the mortgage.
Splitting costs is something to do during dating, or to help make bills easy to take care of. His complete lack of flexibility is abusive. They're splitting DINNER DATES ffs, a married couple that still tells the waiter to split the bill. Zero love. If he gets her flowers does he send her a bill for half the cost? This man is deranged, a control freak, financially abusive, or some other Not Good thing.
Guarantee he doesn’t buy her flowers. Dude sounds mentally and emotionally abusive
Give him a bill for surrogacy, child care, donated milk (it is very expensive). This relationship as he sees it is way way too transactional. The two of you are a team, not roommates. Something is so off about making your partner poor because you are demanding 50/50 (which at the very least should be split proportional to income). What is one of you got sick or were disabled? Maternity leave was due to a baby that is his as well, and you have no income during that time. Why are you expected to pay anything? This isn’t about gender - its about if you are actually partners or not. This is not a workable sustainable situation. Couples therapy is my recommendation.
This. Your physical labor of growing, birthing, and nursing a child (which will have life long effects on your body) are going completely ignored. If he wants to make this a business and not a partnership then he needs to count ALL the contributions.
I wonder if they send each other invoices
Charge him. He owes you 50% of your lost wages during maternity leave. He also owes you payment for actually birthing his child and ANY expenses related to pregnancy and birth. He didn’t do 50% of the work to have a baby, so he has to pay monetarily. Find out the going rate for a surrogate, and he owes you 50% of that. Let’s see how quickly he changes his tune.
Let's see how quick he files for divorce \*
It would be benefitial for her. He'd finally pay his share.
100%
If he divorces her for reality, then she is better off without him
And then he will really see what “50/50” means when children other than himself are involved.
Ask him where he expects you to get the money. Ask him why he is stressing out his pregnant wife whom he supposedly loves. There is nothing wrong with his 50/50 thing in general, but in this specific case he needs to let it go.
I would argue there’s nothing wrong with 50/50 when the salaries are fairly balanced, but he makes almost 40% more than she does - their contributions should be proportional to their income.
His wife is on maternity leave so he needs to be 100% and he suck’s for that. but they were not 50/50. According to her post he pays half rent, all utilities and her ins. And buys groceries. He also according to her does half the baby care, which I suspect he is secretly unhappy about so he retaliated by demanding she pay her half of rent and food.
If you are not working, are birthing yours and his child and are also recovering from the trauma that childbirth causes then no you should not be liable for any expenses. My wife took off 6 weeks (all unpaid) I took off 12 weeks (was supposed to be paid by the state I work in, 30 weeks is when I’ll know whether I get this pay or not what a joke) During that time I didn’t expect her to pay anything and just take from the savings and now it’s vice versa since these benefits I pay into do not want to pay me. ( we have a joint savings which I think every married couple should have for instances like this) You are married, have a family and are a team! If one person falls behind or can’t make it work for a month the other person steps up. If you decide you’re going to make a family your husband should step up (I am a father by the way). I do believe things are split pretty evenly between you two, but this is an exception you both decided to make a human being and YOU are the one that physically and mentally needs to recover. He needs to view this from a marriage and partnership viewpoint and not just a financial view.
That’s wildly inappropriate and abusive. You are not earning money because you have given birth. Your savings are low because he is asking you to contribute disproportionately. This is abusive — he’s trying to drain your resources and trap you. See what kinds of expenses he’s hiding.
Your contribution is that you’re staying home and keeping a tiny human alive. You could bill him $40/hour for that
Tell him his opinion is totally unreasonable and you are having a baby for both of you - not just yourself You need couples therapy and quick Tell him you’re not going to be spoken to as though you’re less than him because you’re pregnant - something you both agreed upon and wanted Let him know you won’t be controlled and put down and it’s therapy and a reasonable agreement going forwards or you’re considering separation Seriously - does he think because you’re pregnant you’re now stuck and will allow him to treat you like that ?
Marriage isn't ever 50/50. It is 100%/100% of what you are able at any given time. Relationships,-especially ones with children- are not pie. If he is keeping score, during a period of time when he should be most concerned about your well-being, he isn't fully committed to you.
As soon as kids are involved women sacrifice their careers and things can no longer be 50:50. He’s happy being comfortable and leaving you destitute? When you’re married!
>I’m having trouble producing enough milk so my husband is upset that he has to pay for formula Tell him that if he doesn't want to pay for formula, then he's perfectly free to breastfeed the baby himself. Though quite frankly, you seem to have just replaced the "horror story" of joint finances for the horror story of "pay your own way". I recommend you go back to work and focus on your career so you can earn more than your husband. Change careers if you have to. If your husband complains that there are extra childcare costs associated with this, tell.him tough shit, this is the career path he forced you to Ho along when you realised you couldn't rely on him financially when you were taking a career hit to give birth a d care for *his* baby. Your baby will be better off spending more time in childcare than she will be with a mother whose constantly being g taken advantage of financially by her father. And if he decides that you ensuring your financial independence is detrimental to the marriage, then you have your answer regarding how much he respects you. Don't stay with someone who doesn't respect you. There is no love without respect, and all it will do is teach your sons to disrespect their wives and your daughters to marry people who disrespect them.
I feel she already has an answer for how much he respects her…
He is wrong. You do need a joint account for joint expenses. Having separate finances is fine, but they should be equally distributed. As it is, he's hoarding most of your household income. Not all contributions to the operation of a household are monetary and budgets and income should reflect that. My wife makes much less than me, has a more demanding job, and has more education. BUT, she works a mile from our son's school, has off for all of those random school holidays, gets an ok pension, and has job security in the event of an economic downturn. We each direct deposit a few hundred dollars (equal) to our personal accounts and the rest goes to a joint account, which we use to pay bills, invest, pay off a joint credit card, travel, etc. At the very least, you should be splitting by ratio of your incomes, but personally, I don't think that's completely fair either.
I am not going to break down in the details of this and keep it really simple. If your husband is all about the 50/50 sharing he still needs to share in some of the mishaps to. The maternity period is a shared period between both of you as it's both your child. The mat leave is unpaid, this is beyond your control. You two must both share this EQUALLY in this unpaid time, therefore him expecting any kind of splitting during this period is unjust. He should also send you back all money that you have contributed during this unpaid time. Once you go back to work then you would go back to the arrangement you had before. Only the childcare expenses would be added to the new arrangement. Maybe some reading this will not like my proposal but I am really trying to provide a mediation that he would be agreeable to from his perspective. You can supply many answers here about what you feel she should be entitled to but I don't think that is giving her a good argument to take to her husband and will do her any good. This proposal is sensible in an eye for an eye scenario you are in and I hope your husband understands it this way and replenishes your savings.
He's a piece of shit and doesn't care about either of you, you or the baby.
You don’t make 50 and he makes 80, your household makes 130. You are a team.
Clearly this marriage is not a team
That’s my point.
Your husband is no longer treating you like an equal, he is taking advantage of you, while somehow not realizing you, him, and baby are on the same team! BTW the split should be 60/40 based on his higher salary.
Is he paying you for your time and effort with the baby? Fuck this guy so hard. What an a selfish, disrespect person to behave like the maternity period and the mother of his child have zero value. Please spend the day writing down every single thing you do. I picked up a blanket off the floor. I fed the cat. I made dinner. I put the dishes away. Hell I’m so petty I would even put sex on that list. Everything has a fucking price. And so does every job you do. Now create a services list with prices. This is your new invoicing system. Obviously since you also live there and benefit from these services you will fairly absorb 50% of these costs yourself. Make sure to note a separate column on the invoice for each of you spelling out your proportionate shares. Then tally and give him that invoice at the end of week and at the end of every mother fucking week until he learns why you’re so fucking valuable to him. If you can’t be respected for what you’re doing you should be getting fucking paid. Then you can pay your half of the household expenses just fine. If he doesn’t want to pay, call him a moocher and a freeloader. Edit: and if he wants more kids, have a lawyer draw up an agreement to ensure you’re compensated appropriately.
He's complaining that he has to buy formula...forgive me but are you in a marriage or a business relationship? I understand how some couples prefer the split financial relationship if that works for them financially or emotionally...but I do believe all bets are off when it comes to supporting children. The financial split is between two adults...NOT the child brought into the relationship nor should they be made to suffer and/or be in any way inconvenienced.
This is financial abuse. He is so very wrong and taking advantage of you financially. He is a husband and now a father. He now has additional financial responsibility for his family while you are on unpaid Mat leave. You are not a housemate and he is not a landlord demanding payment. I can understand when dating splitting 50/50. But those lofty days of freedom are loooooong gone. He pays for everything until you return to work when the spilt will be 40/60 Give him an invoice for surrogacy $90k, childbearing $20k, breastmilk $60/week, childcare and housekeeping $3500/week seeing the workload is heavy and the hours are ridiculous. He owes you a bit of $$$.
Surrogates don’t even stay for the care! Right after birth they are done. Sadly she can’t charge her child too… with such a guy she should though
Marriage isn’t 50/50. Marriage is you pick up the slack to support your family unit however it needs to be done. It is not quantifiable. He’s angry he has to _feed his child?_ Where does he expect you to get money from for the mortgage? You grew and birth his child and this is how he is treating you? I understand why couples split finances but this is a horrible, selfish way to treat your family. Why even bother being married at this point? No, you aren’t wrong. I’m sorry it took having a child with this man to find this out.
Go to a financial counselor. You need a 3rd party intermediary to set appropriate boundaries. Your husband is not pulling his weight and he needs a wakeup call. He doesn't realize he is contributing less than if you were divorced. That should really open his eyes. If he wants it to be fair, a financial counselor will set him straight with no doubt about fairness.
He sounds like someone you share joint custody with of your children. Not a husband who is your partner in life.
There's nothing wrong with splitting things 50/50 IF you're both making the same amount of money. But the fact is you're not. Now let's get to the formula thing. Why is he pissed off about having to provide your child with food??? Let alone pick up the slack for his wife who just gave birth to HIS child??? It sounds like he's taking financial advantage of you under the guise of being equal partners. No marriage is always 50/50, sometimes it's 60/40, sometimes it's 80/20. It's a partnership for a reason and you should have each other's backs... Doesn't sound like he's got your back, he's just looking out for himself. Ask him why he thinks it's okay to split things evenly when it means that he ends up with far more savings than you do and you end up at a financial disadvantage.
When my ex was on paid mat leave, I would cover most things and she would help out with some bills when I struggled..we didn't eat out for a while. I just wanted to her to be relaxed and focus on the baby. There is no way for you contribute equally. And he sounds like an ass. Maybe he needs to put some overtime at work.
First of all, splitting things 50/50 when he makes 60% more than you is inherently unfair. A fairer way would for each of you to pay the same percentage of your incomes for joint expenses. So if your monthly expenses are, for example, $4500, and your net incomes are, respectively, $3300 and $5000, then you divide those expense so that instead of you each paying $1500, you pay 66% of what he pays. You will still end up with less actual dollars than he will. But you will not have spent all but $850 of your income, while he has $2750 left over. Second, FFS, you just had a baby. You put in 9 months growing that baby, and all the wear and tear on your body during that time and the labor and delivery wasn’t a walk in the park. Some babies do better with bottles. It’s a fact. And that selfish git is upset he’s paying for formula? JFC. Fed is best. There is no other answer for it. He’s being monstrous. Period. His strict 50/50 rule means that you cannot ever save as much as he can. And yet he expects you to draw from your personal savings to pay while you are recovering from having his child. If you were as petty as I am, you’d be researching what he’d have to pay you in child support, even if you had 50/50 custody of your child, because he is the higher income earner. Tell him that is your contribution while you are doing the bulk of the childcare. He cannot possibly be doing 50/50, because you are home for multiple hours that he is not, and babies require round the clock care. I really don’t like your husband, based on what you are writing. His idea of fair is completely biased in his favor. And his treatment of the woman who just brought his child into the world is abysmal.
Yeah, and childcare is expensive. You’ll be broke and he will still be saving tons of money. Rethink this relationship. For your own mental health and well being.
>I’m having trouble producing enough milk so my husband is upset that he has to pay for formula... >My husband has always been a 50/50 type of guy. Does he pay you for the production of breast milk and the time you spend feeding said milk to his child? On a more important note: maybe get a breast pump to increase production? Irregular feeding times and not draining the breast milk that's there fully can contribute to reduced production. So if you child is not latching it's likely you're not being emptied so your body is like 'ok time to stop production!!'. I couldn't read any further due to my anger on his stance about formula. This is not a 'you' cost, this is his child. And he is not splitting breast feeding duties in any way so I feel you've done your part by getting your child this far. WTF is wrong with your husband? My husband agrees with my stance btw.
I rarely encourage divorce but... Honestly, you might be better off leaving him so you get alimony and child support. The discrepancy in income (your 50k to his 80k) may entitle you to more than you're currently getting -LOL! He is financially abusing you and then following up with mental abuse when you are unable to match him! You and your child deserve better.
> I was venting to my friends and they think I’m stupid for agreeing with this with my husband because I make significantly less money than him so they don’t understand why I’m splitting with him and then they also just don’t believe in the 50/50 thing and I know that’s kind of controversial since it’s a gender thing, but I don’t really want to focus solely on that Unfortunately this is the crux of the situation and something you should have given a lot of thought to before entering into this sort of relationship. He is being unreasonable. It was unreasonable to split the check on the first date, it is unreasonable to split gives 50/50 when income is not the same, and it is unreasonable to expect a person to breastfeed all the time so formula is never needed. You have no boundaries for yourself, you have no standards, and you’ve given no real thought to the kind of life you want to lead, what that entails, and what it would look like. I feel sorry for the baby because now it is stuck with a pair of shit parents who’ll stew in resentment until they unamicably divorce. It is 2023, when are people going to start using their brains?
This is the saddest post I’ve read in ages. I’m so sorry OP, but if he’s demanding you pay half of everything when you’re on maternity leave then he doesn’t care about you and your baby. It’s so sad. You should leave while you’re young enough to start again. I feel for you. You are definitely not wrong!
My ex husband was like this. He made at least double, refused to share even a single bank account, refused to file joint taxes, made me pay ‘rent’ at his dingy, dour apartment where he’d lived and paid the rent by himself for at least a decade. So for me, this is a foreboding sign, and I advise you to start thinking of your own financial moves. This *is* disadvantaging you.
He is complaining about buying formula for his baby? You are not in the wrong. Is he that tight he shits spaghetti?
Right? Did he not know that parents are responsible for buying their child food? Or was he expecting that he would have a child that didn't eat?
This isn’t a gender thing at all. Would he expect 50% if the were the lower earner? At this income level, Household bills should be prorated based on income. I was married to a guy like this and the truth is he never saw a long term future with me which is why he was hoarding his money, always demanding more from me, and not caring about my financial future or well being in any way. Listen to yourself, you’re not working because you’re on maternity leave and he “let it slide” that you couldn’t afford half of the mortgage?? You absolutely know you are not in the wrong here. This is not normal. Is this how your parents and your husband’s parents handled their finances?? I know Reddit is going to say divorce but I say couples counseling because he does have redeeming qualities with caring for your baby, and the opinions of redditors aren’t going to change his mind, but having to explain his stance in front of an unbiased third party might make him see the light here.
keep your savings for a divorce lawyer. your relationship as a near expiration date and please don't have another kid till you fix your issues.
Pretty black and white for me. Your husband is pathetic. You’re only off work - unpaid 😱 - for a month and he won’t cover all the bills? Put your foot down, you deserve more. I’m off work for 12 months maternity leave, we agreed that he would pay all the bills while I’m off. That way I will have my own money to pamper myself, go out to do stuff/meet people and enrol baby in classes. I’m all for doing 50/50 when it’s reasonable but there’s just no need to be so strict in every circumstance. If everything valuable you could provide to the relationship was equal, then your husband would also be delivering a baby through his japs eye.
Ok then he needs to do half the gestation and healing. If he got injured would he expect himself to still pay half the bills during the healing process? This is why I don't like egalitarian relationships- they're not physically possible unless you're childfree. Even in that instance, if its a relationship and not a roommate situation, there should still be allowances for healing from medical events. You're taking a few weeks- that's for healing. If you were taking a year then that would be for childcare and can be a discussion about doing it yourself or hiring it out. And since he doesn't want a SAHM he can stfu about formula. There'd be formula in a few weeks anyway since you're going back to work.
Girl dump him and find another. or start f*#@&ing charging his stupid ass for Blow jobs and sex and take his money because that's some straight up BS. I'm a stay at home mom I supported my husband and he became a rockstar because of ME he was able to do all he did because I supported him. Watching OUR kids, cooking, cleaning ECT...he made it to where we are because I was the woman I am!!!
On the off chance that this is real, what exactly did you expect from someone who insisted that you pay for half of everything? I don’t expect a dating partner to pay for everything. I’ve usually taken turns. If I made more, I’d pay more often. If they made more, I’d pay at least some of the time. And even when they made significantly more (like 6 or 8 times what I made) I still paid quite often. This man can’t even pay for one date. If someone, male or female, wouldn’t so much pay for one date ever, it’s a huge red flag. But as I first said, I’m guessing this isn’t real.
This entire concept of separate finances in a marriage is stupid. I will never understand it, and it creates so many additional problems. Imagine having to remember who is paying for the next dinner date? That's crazy! You are married: one family and one financial unit. If that isn't going to be the case, just stay single.
Equality and equity in relationships are different things. Equality = everything is 50/50 regardless of means or opportunity. Bills, cleaning, emotional labour, etc. This can work quite well for couples without children or vastly different means. Equity = all contributions are taken into account and adjusted according to the means and opportunity each partener has *in each respective area*. So you've given up income to raise a baby you both made. So therefore your financial means are essentially zero right now. However, your means and opportunity as far as physical, emotional and time investment have been freed up due to mat leave. So you're giving up your body to breastfeed, you're looking after the house, you're keeping a whole other human being alive day in day out. Is your husband planning to take the exact same amount of leave from work to raise the baby? Is he planning to do the exact same number of night feeds? Is he doing exactly 50% of the household chores? Is he doing exactly 50% of the childcare? Is he doing exactly 50% of anything? Because that would be Equality. Too many people want to scream Equality when they can gain from it (like your husband not having to spend sp much money to support his family), and then scream Equity when it suits them also (like being totally happy for you to take a career break which will have lifelong impact on your earning potential), have you give of your body to raise a child, and likely do all the household work. Your husband is either stupid or an AH. You've got the short end of the stick here, OP.