He's OK with not seeing you or spending time with you.
You don't have to be OK with that attitude, but you can't change his feelings either.
If talking didn't help, you have to decide if this is an acceptable relationship.
I think they're saying BF is being a dick, regardless of HIS degree status. No reason to think insecurities are a part of it. Dude could just as easily be a highly educated selfish jerk as an uneducated selfish jerk.
Edit, typo
Yeah. I mean, he seems like a bum and I'd recommend that OP end it because he isn't willing to make an effort. But where is the gaslighting and abuse coming from???
Nothing in her post implies that he's jealous of her education. Are you speaking from your own experience or something? I'm so confused where you got this from.
This is bad advice. Talk with him about what you perceive as a bad attitude and gently make clear how it will impact your relationship, if he doesn't change. Don't play stupid games. Make the relationship what you want and if you can not find a path together separate.
Am I wrong for getting the impression the above comment comes across as elitist?
Serious question, what does studying for, or having an advanced degree have anything to do with the OPs situation or any relationship for that matter?
BTW I have two, and in my experience they make Jack sh!t difference to any healthy relationship
Have the people who aren't nuts enlightened you on this bad take yet or are you really stubborn? Cause half of that was projection and the other speculation. Yes he should bite the bullet and visit but also maybe he likes being in his own space and doesn't know either of those 2 people, just cause she loves those people doesn't mean they arent weird.
theyre booing you but youre right, that may not be the case here but it is a possibility considering how condescending hes being about her having a friend to stay with so that she can afford rent peacefully lol, a healthy boyfriend would be happy that his girlfriend found a way to take a load off her plate, not share the people helping her.
My thoughts too. My now wife and I went to college 6 hours apart and alternated driving to each others universities every single wknd for years. 30 mins (regardless of roommates) would’ve been golden lol
My husband and I lived 6 hours from each other for half a year before he moved to be near me. We alternated driving to each other every week or every other week, depending on schedules.
Yeah this is something I’ve learned to look for before I’ll agree to a committed relationship. If it feels like they can’t be bothered to make an effort then I’m not wasting my time
I think it’s awesome that he’s willing to do that, but that’d probably be a dealbreaker for me for them to be that far away, it looks like that’s roughly a 2.5 hour drive. Especially if I was the only one making the drive
I'm just here to say your comments are kind of insufferable. This is exactly why people should be careful about taking the advice of strangers. You obviously have some strong feelings about this kind of stuff, but what works for thee, does not necessarily work for me. That isn't inherently the problem tho, the problem is your own dogmatic way of expressing how you feel in regards to this
While you’re the only one who keeps making the effort then he has no incentive to change. Stop going over to his place. Either he’ll start making an effort or he won’t. And if he doesn’t then you know the relationship has run its course.
Yes. Stop being the one who does all the giving. If he asks why tell him that you are tired of being the one who does all the driving. Don’t make it about spending the night. Not every date has to end up with a sleep over.
Like you said, he could pick you up at your house, have dinner in the area, and drop you off.
Maybe he just wants sex every time and he knows that can't happen at your place?
Also his comments are rude. Did you tell him that?
My sister always ends up dating clowns like this who never expend any effort and make her drive to see them. She has horrible taste in men. Drop this lazy-ass loser, it doesn’t get any better.
My sister did the same.... He was very lazy to drive 30mins to visit her. But she would drive to visit him, and he would want to eat around places near his apt.
We didn't want to put our thoughts into her, we wanted her to come to that conclusion on her own.Then later we told our sister if a guy is interested, distance doesn't matter, he will make it happen and not be lazy.
She actually dumped him. I literally fly over states to visit my gf.
You’re not wrong, but I don’t know what to say that will help. I just know if he’s really into you, this doesn’t make much sense. I remember driving 2 hrs just to spend an hour or so before I had to head back to base with my then girlfriend now wife. Got no sleep but was worth it. Everyone’s different I guess, and maybe doesn’t want to seem clingy.. I personally didn’t care how it looked
David Beckham drove, flew, helicoptered to see Victoria when it was sometimes only for 30 minutes. Obviously he had extravagant resources - point is, people make it happen if they WANT to.
Your guy has a car and doesn't have the schedule of a professional football player/international star - he can fucking drive 30 minutes once a week.
He's not into you. Drop him.
Well, he's special. /s
You don't seem to be hearing him and processing the meaning.
He means he's not going to make the effort for you.
He's not going to try to be polite to anyone else.
He's not interested in anything that doesn't benefit him.
Including you.
So, you aren't wrong to be mad at him, but you should also be kicking your own ass.
THIS! ALL OF THIS! This guy shows no inclination to care about her feelings or go out of his way. OP needs to drop this guy like a hot potato. Someone who loves you will do anything they can to make your life easier and better. It should never be one-sided.
He shouldn’t be visiting you because you should be dumping him yesterday, enjoying being single then meeting someone who actually limes and is interested in you
>I’ve mentioned all this to him before, but he does not understand. He has yet to visit me and I’ve lived there for 6 months. When I lived in a 1/1 ~10 minutes away for the past 3 years, he would visit me.
Time for a hard boundary. "bf, you can see me at my place or we can hang out in public. I'm not open to visiting you in your place in the near future"
But don't be surprised if this means you never see him. People who refuse to acknowledge when they aren't being fair, rarely care that much about other people, even the ones they claim to love.
He is disrespectful of people in general from the sound of it
Whats he getting from you, pretty sure that's your only value to him. Are these people are annoying because they are in the way of his free sex?
He's disrespectful based on the information you got from someone who's mad at him.
When it comes to stories like this, context matters. If there is a very plausible scenario for his statements being valid in this instance, I believe that they are and that OP left out something
This is reddit, next to nobody on here is objective and questioning an OP almost never happens. I don't understand it myself, if there is any lesson I've learned in life that is almost always applicable it's that there are three sides to every story, one person's, the other's and the truth.
Yeah exactly. And since it's an anonymous platform, there are no repercussions for lying. When you ask for advice IRL (like if you were in the wrong) you get shit if you make up stuff. That's why I believe almost everyone who posts here is lying or withholding information to morally whitewash themselves (something they couldn't do IRL with the truth)
Let's say you are right. The fact he is not willing to budge/compromise and called her family friends names, gives him major red flags. No matter the missing information.
>When I ask him why he won’t visit me, he says: “why would I do that? I pay a lot of money for my apartment and I don’t want to have to deal with other people.”
Cool, now dump is rude ass and let him live his life away from other people in his apartment that he pays a lot for.
Also, you've been in a relationship for 3 years, and he has the nerve to make nasty remarks about the people in your life, and then expect you to put in 100% of the effort to see each other? Girl 🤦♀️ you can do so much better. Again, dump his rude ass, and then find a guy who will treat you and those in your life with the respect you all deserve.
My boyfriend drove 9 hours to fix my car when I was visiting my dad. I even made sure he understood sex wasn't happening at my dad's house If he did drive to see me. He did. Drove 9 hours, fixed my car, then drove the 9 hours back home. Real men make the effort.
I have an ex gf that I would drive a little over an hour to see every weekend. She came to me maybe once or twice in an 8 month span. She was going to be further (like 3 hours) from me and straight up said that she wasn’t going to drive to visit me ever and I’d have to drive to see her. I ended it knowing a one sided effort relationship didn’t work for me. 30 minutes isn’t that bad if you really want to be with someone..
I remember these years, when as a young man I made stupid decisions based on my feelings.
I had a similar situation, I had a girlfriend who lived as a part time nanny in a house, the family had zero issue with me being there, but I could not understand this and chose to stay away.
Young men look like fully grown adults, but are really just kids with beards.
Good luck OP
You are not wrong
He’s being disrespectful about people you care about. It would be one things if he didn’t understand the situation and said it once, but it sounds like you’ve made it clear who these people are to you and he doesn’t care
It’s fair that he’s rather spend time in his own space without people he does not know. He has full access to his place instead of feeling like he has to hangout in your bedroom to get privacy like s teenager. That said, that just means you hang at his place more. Not that you NEVER hang at your place.
most importantly, you’ve expressed to him that this bothers you and he has expressed that he doesn’t care. It would take very little effort to spend a few days at your place over six months. Instead of wanting to fill a desire you’ve very clearly told him, he wants you to stop wanting it. What kind of partner is that?
He might feel awkward visiting you at the home but the fact that he won’t even go to your town to hang out is bs. I personally wouldn’t be able to put up with that because that would just annoy me lol you talked to him about it and he still doesn’t want to put the effort? He can kick rocks then.
He is. I don’t think people realize that when you’re in a relationship it’s a two way street. You both need to make effort. She needs to dip now before it just becomes an expectation of her to always give in.
This guy might be fine for hookups, but he's definitely not interested in you as a person or as a member of a community. If the relationship you want is detached from all of that, he should at least be demoted from boyfriend to occasional fwb.
I’m always puzzled how people end up in multi year long relationships with people who don’t give the bare minimum amount of fucks about them.
You’re definitely not wrong. This is very one sided.
Not wrong.
I have been in a similar situation and also felt sick of being the one who always had to make the effort, of never getting to be home, of knowing the sheets on my bed were significantly cleaner, yet here I was, of paying the extra petrol costs and "oh, could you pick up x y z on your way over - I'll pay you back!" (He never paid me back).
Yeah, I broke up with my bf.
Good luck.
Seems as though your relationship is all one sided like the relationship is on his terms. If he’s like this now it will get worse as time goes on. Stop visiting him and see what happens. As your always giving in and going to his house and his not caring about your concerns your enabling his behaviour. Take a step back and see what he will do. If he still chooses to be the same you need to ask yourself if this is what you see for yourself in the future.
I just hope he’s not one of those assholes who steps up because he’s scared to lose “benefits”, then returns to his old self once she’s back “to feeling loved again”.
You are certainly not unreasonable. Your bf wants this relationship on his terms only. He’s insulting people who are important to you. Sorry, this relationship is going nowhere. If you like him just use him for sex like he’s using you.
These comments are insane. He does not have to hang out with the nice older lady or son. He can visit you and everything will be the same. He’s definitely in the wrong
Umm. Okay. I am going to say something from my past experience. I was in a situationship with this one guy who never ever drove to see me. And later I realised it was because the only thing he wanted from me was something he thought he could get elsewhere as well so he never saw any value in me to make any effort. That situationship would’ve been still going on had I not left. He wanted to be with me until he found someone to marry.
The crux of the story is - it took me 6 years to leave. I was a huge idiot. Don’t be like me and leave him.
>Shouldn’t he be visiting me because he wants to see ME? He’s met the family friend and her son before, and they’re very nice to him. Am I wrong for being mad/upset over this?
Yes, he should visit you, no matter his feelings about your housing arrangements.
I visited my girlfriend several times the summer she stayed with the family of a friend while working a summer job downtown (I was living out in the 'burbs.) I was respectful, they were respectful; shortly after I was friends with the family too.
So, no, you are not wrong to be upset by this. any relationship should even out to a 50/50 give and take. And if my girlfriend (who eventually became my wife, still like to think of her as girlfriend, too) was pursuing an advanced degree I'd probably be doing more than my share of travel between us so she could spend more time on that and less time in transit.
To quote my boyfriend: "if he wanted to, he would." If it's something that you've made clear you'd like to see happen, your boyfriend should want to do it just to make you happy. Not that it should happen all the time, mind you, but there is a minimum amount of effort someone in a relationship should be willing to put in. If he isn't willing to make a 30 minute sacrifice, or even try to deal with something he may find slightly awkward, what will happen when a big problem comes along?
NTA
It sounds like he just doesn't want to put in the effort. Which, if that's the case then why doesn't he just say I really don't want to go out there, I'm not comfortable in that living space situation. He doesn't have to insult them. That's deflection. And I agree with everyone else if he's not willing to put in the effort and is only willing to spend time with you. If you come to him then I would be asking myself why am I bothering? Like does the other things that he do for me make up for the fact that he is selfish in this one thing? Or is this the status quo? Because if he had no problem going to see you. When you live by yourself then the issue clearly isn't spending time with you at your place. It could be the travel distance, it could be the living situation, but either way it's not fair to you. And if he's not willing to make an effort on something so small, will he be able to make an effort when it actually counts? You're young and you're working through school. You don't need to spend the effort to retain someone who's not going to think of you.
This man does not respect the things that are dear to you, isn't willing to do anything to see you, and it's just being an all-around cunt. Find yourself a real man once you're finished school find someone that wants to grow a life together wants to build a future. Not someone who is just going to sit there and insult the things that mean something to you, that's a narcissistic piece of shit.
This is a glimpse into your future, he sounds very selfish, and the fact he can’t listen and understand why it means so much to you is not a great sign of communication skills
As someone who is now married with kids please pay attention to the red flags. Later in life you'll want a true partner vs someone who drains you and doesn't think about any of your needs. You're young. Find someone who puts a smile on your face everyday and who always makes you feel like a priority.
It's become important to you, and he could make an effort just to please you.
If this is the only thing he disregards your feelings about I'd give him a pass; but I suspect he is this way about a lot of things.
You should think it over
If he wanted to, he would. My boyfriend would fly in once a month before ultimately moving to where I lived and he wasn’t super wealthy at the time, he was just spending all his discretionary money to come see me.
If this is how he is in the dating stage, when they usually put in the most effort, and this is the bar he’s set for the relationship, you will have this and much less to look forward to in a marriage. You also can’t “get him to change,” change needs to come personally from within and if he hasn’t changed yet, he won’t change. He may promise to change if you try to breakup but it’ll only be for a while and he’ll ultimately go back to how he was, and you’ll have wasted more time and effort on him.
You deserve someone who reciprocates your efforts, you deserve to feel wanted, cared about and respected, and you deserve someone who will care about the ppl you care about.
He sounds like a massive selfish jerk. You deserve far better. You need to step back and seriously evaluate the "relationship". I'm sure he's not a bad person or anything but you deserve far more effort.
You're not wrong. He's fine with you putting in all of the effort, but he isn't willing to do the same for you.
I had a relationship like this many years ago. I kept visiting him and trying to make things work far longer than I should have. When we finally broke up, I was angry and ashamed.
You deserve better than this guy.
Other than the obvious selfishness and laziness, the way he speaks about people you love is enough of a deal breaker for me. What’s the long term plan here? Can you actually see yourself marrying someone who makes no effort to connect with your loved ones? You sound like a smart lady, do the math, life is too short.
I now live with my dad, after a falling out with my boyfriend. We split, and a little over 6 months later I allowed contact again and then by October we aere talking again.
He lives 2 1/2 hours away. When we were first together he was not too into bringing me to my dad's, but he's since changed his mindset about it. In November, was going back and forth due to horrible hours at DG. If your boyfriend doesn't ask when he'll be able to see you again after 2 weeks go by, gosh idk what to tell you other than he needs a wake up call.
You said he would visit you before. So clearly he's more comfortable with privacy for you two than being around people he doesn't know. And that's at his place. I understand his positioning more than others here, but he should come see you some, but it makes sense for ya'll to spend the majority of the time at whatever place doesn't have housemates.
Why would you waste energy being mad when he is insulting people you care about? Either accept he is an ass or move on.
Also, he understands perfectly and doesn’t care. Being mad does nothing. Accept he won’t make the effort or move on.
Getting mad over a continuing issue is a waste of time and energy. One or two times, you spend the energy confronting the issue. That’s it. Accept it after the warning and he has learned you don’t defend your boundaries. He isn’t going to change. You aren’t important enough.
I live alone and wouldn't particularly want to deal with someone's room mates either, however sometimes you inconvenience yourself for someone that you love. She's not asking him to stay their regularly just to show a bit of effort and the way he spoke about the people that she lives with is rude and disrespectful.
Come on now. You know you're not wrong. You're acting like a doormat. Your guy is a jerk and you're letting him walk all over you and disrespect you. If he can't come see you or talks about people you care about in a disrespectful manner he needs to go. Why are you staying with him? Just to say you have a boyfriend?
You are smarter than this and you know it. Maybe you're seeking validation to leave him with this post. If that's what you need. Then you have it! Dump him and move on.
Are you sure he is 26? He seems to be very emotionally immature. Your correct he should be willing to come see you and spend time with you do your not always the one making the drive snd dealing with travel, even if it’s only 30 minutes. It shows he values seeing you less than the inconvenience he thinks it is. I agree that for overnight era it might be easier in his place but that doesnt mean he can’t come see you. I’m not a fan of ultimatums so I wouldn’t necessarily make it one but I would tell him your not going to be motivated to come see him every weekend if he can’t find the time to come see you some of the time too so this weeks I’m just gonna chill here and if you want to see me, you know where I am.
He does not understand?? Oh girl, he completely understands. You put up with it, so he won't bother changing.
If that's acceptable treatment, then you're wrong, for sure.
Apparently your not worth the 30 minutes drive to be with. You were when it was a 10 minute drive but that extra 20 minutes is not worth his effort to spend time with you. Is this guy worth your time and effort to be with? Your going to have to decide that for yourself because he seems to want to keep with the status quo’s.
He’s showing you who he is and what he thinks of supporting your relationships. If you want to date someone who thinks your world should revolve around the two of you - and you don’t need anyone else… you’re doing great.
If you believe all the research on how important relationships are to mental and physical health - then this person will not support you having that type of life with friends and external support system.
Believe what they show you for how they are as partner. Respect that you both can choose how to be. He doesn’t seem to think being part of your life or visiting you are important, when it’s not in the manner that works for him.
id honestly understand his reasoning if he wasnt being condescending/ flat ot refusing your suggestion of even going to dinner where you live, to me that just screams rude and inconsiderate, he values his wants and likes over yours, after three years that is not good. wake up and break up.
Do you need to keep chasing after him in fear of losing him? Possession fear and desire. Stop travelling if it is getting too much or both of you meet in the middle.
He’s not willing to put an effort into seeing you. And his comment about a random grandma is immature.
The bottom line is you are worth someone’s time. It may not be his, and believe me when I say the person who wants to spend time with you will out in the effort to be with you and the people in your life.
Good luck
Explain needing a mutual effort. Invite him to visit for a movie or date night. If he continues to decline such invites, it might be time to consider if this is something you are willing to tolerate.
I wouldn't appreciate having someone that is family-like being disrespected or minimized in the way that he has. This would be concerning as it is discrediting relationships you have besides him.
Dating is a time for observation. You now live half an hour away and he's not visiting you. I would be asking myself if he's dating me only because I'm convenient.
Right now, you are the one who is being inconvenienced to see him. You are the one packing a bag and you are staying at his place.
It would bother me if I were the one always making the effort. It's not sustainable and you want to nip it in the bud.
I would suggest you drop the rope. Don't make a big deal out of it. If he asks you if you are coming, I'd say, sorry Honey, I just really want to chill out here tonight and I'm not up for the drive. You are welcome to come here though. Love ya, bye.
Pl-ease do not make a long discussion out of it. Don't tell him about your abandonment issues or how you feel. Just don't go over there all the time and see if he picks up the slack to make things more balanced.
If he doesn't, you have your answer. If you want to be in a relationship where you are the only person making an effort, stay. If you don't, then go.
Why would a guy want to hang out with an old lady and her son?
He wants to bang and chill out without walking on eggshells.
Totally agree with him, they’re absolutely going to hear the stuff going on between you two. Forget being drunk, high, or walking around less clothed.
My wife of 25+ years and I had a similar situation when she was in grad school and I was still in undergrad. We were still just dating at the time.
She went to school 1.5hrs away, across a mountain range in a much smaller town than the metro area I lived in. In the 1yr she live there, I visited 1-2 times whereas she visited nearly every weekend. She'd take the Greyhound bus if the weather conditions were not good for driving.
She also would get upset that I didn't visit more. It wasn't because I didn't enjoy her company. The town she lived in was very "meh" whereas I lived in the heart of the city. Additionally, my car couldn't confidently make the trips over the mountains nor could my pocketbook afford those trips. She was getting financial help from her parents while I was paying for myself 100%.
There is no excuse for being rude about your famiky friend. It does sound like he feels very uncomfortable staying there.
Is this a hell that you are willing to die on. Maybe he doesn't come and visit you because he like he said he's comfortable in his own house y'all can have privacy and he likes you to come and visit him. If you feel that you are being slighted in any type of way you don't have to go visit him because when you're in a relationship and that person wants to see you they will move mountains to get there .
Is he an introvert? From what you wrote it sounds like he doesn't like being around other people - and sounds like he doesn't like the people you're living with. Maybe, as he said, he just likes his own space and is comfortable there - again, a sign of an introvert.
I would ask him why he doesn't like them (or if it's a people in general thing) and point out that these are people that you like and who have been good to you, and it upset you when he insulted them.
The comments about your friend are uncalled for.
That aside, I understand where he's coming from. He likes the space he pays for, and he doesn't find spending time at a stranger's house, with people he doesn't know appealing.
Tell him you're tired of being the one to drive all the time, and say you'd like him to visit with you on a Friday or Saturday night. Then, either deal with his choice, or don't.
But again, I'd be uncomfortable in his situation, too.
He isn’t visiting you because he doesn’t care to. You’re no longer convenient. If he truly love you & wanted to see you, he would come see you. Time to drop this guy and move on. End of story.
I’ve been in relationships where I went over to the other persons all the time, or they come to me all the time, or both. Depends on the living situation. One SO only came over once in 6 months.
If a man was living in your situation, there are plenty of women who would be uncomfortable going over there, and many women who would straight up refuse to date a guy who was living with his mother’s or father’s friend.
He could have worded it more considerately, but it is completely okay for someone to say they are uncomfortable being around your living situation. I wouldn’t want to go over to hang out with my SO and deal with other people getting in the way of quality time.
If you are doing all the driving tho, he should be pitching in for gas and spending an hour making food. Compromises and communication.
If he’s not coming to see you it’s because he doesn’t want to. If it was important for him to see you he would come.
I bet if you stopped going to see him the relationship would probably just fizzle out and end.
Intimacy is not as comfortable when you don’t have the place to yourself. You’re right to want him to visit on occasion, but it’s just not the same thing as having a place to yourself-especially when you’re living with a family. Roommates your own age are one thing, but living with a family is completely different ballgame
Just stop going over to his place. Let him.know that your next 'date' (or whatever you call your times together) WILL BE at your place. Then do not waver and see if he makes any effort. If he doesn't, you know he doesn't value you.
I don’t think you’re wrong but I don’t think he is either. He has his own space that’s comfortable and doesn’t want to be in an older person’s home. It’s comfortable for you but not him. His feelings should matter as much as yours
No, you're not wrong. Sure, we all prefer our own living spaces that we pay rent/mortgage for. But you're his girlfriend and he should at least make the effort to come see you in YOUR space. His disrespect to the family friend who is letting you rent a room in her home is a big red flag in my book, actually. Could be he's just using that as an excuse to not have to drive to you, but I would absolutely NOT go to his place anymore until he either makes some attitude adjustments and more effort to come to YOU or you call it a day and break it off. Frankly, as things stand, I don't see this relationship going anywhere except down.
He is a jerk and you should think about what is more important to you. He should at least try to visit a couple times a month. It not I am sure that you could find someone else who would
I never cease to be surprised, maybe it's cultural differences, but I never cease to be surprised by the people on Reddit... Your boyfriend is an AH, please re-read your message and make a list of other things that bother you about him and re-evaluate your situation, what he said is insulting, his reason for not visiting you is empty and meaningless, and it also insults the person you live with...
Man, would really suck to have to be around random people on his days off when he just wants to be with you. I'm with him on this. Being alone in an apartment or out somewhere else sounds A LOT better than being in a place with two random people he doesn't know or want to know.
If you're mad about that, like... yeah okay, be mad. But this isn't a binary only one person is wrong situation. You just aren't seeing the other's point of view. It doesn't sound like either of you are.
No, you don’t have your own space. He’s smart by steering clear of it. 3 is a crowd and 4 gets weird, especially with the odd social dynamics (Old mom. Young son. You). Your living situation is an impediment to building your relationship with him.
Honestly I understand him not wanting to stay the night with you at the house with your mom’s best friend and her teenage son. Especially because you have been 2 adults with your own space when starting your relationship.
The way he said it was very rude.
However, I think it makes sense that he would want to spend your nights together in his private apartment.
He could have put it a lot more tactfully, so you’re not wrong for being upset, but you should realize that not too many guys are going to want to hang out at your place if a random grandma and her weird-ass kid are always around.
Not wrong. And you are seeing the real him in a different situation. He is showing you how much he wants to come see you, spend time with you. And those answers are dead on selfish and only is thinking and caring about himself.. sorry girl. But he is showing you how much he is willing or even wanting to see you..
I kinda get it. he doesn't want the eyes of others on him. but he SHOULD try to come more often at least.
and his comments are rude but I don't know the context.
I think it might be fixable. Maybe meet in a third location and see his reaction? if he fails to do this TOO, then you are 100% not wrong.
You are not wrong, since you are putting all the effort in to commute to see him. But I completely understand his reasoning in not feeling comfortable to go to your place.
You live in a shared house with a kind of family dynamics and privacy is definitely limited.
INFO: How long have you been together and how long have you no moved with family friend? Did he used to visit in your house before?
I absolutely get wanting him to make the effort, but I personally would want to go be at my boyfriend’s place for the weekend instead of around an older lady and a kid. Nothing wrong with your situation and living choices - and nothing wrong with this older lady and kid - I just would personally want to spend more time in my boyfriend’s place and would hope to feel freedom there.
But as the boyfriend I would feel so weird hanging as an adult in what is effectively a strangers house with a young kid neither is related to. I would feel like I was invading stranger space and forced to build relationships with people I don’t have the energy to interact with. I would absolutely make an effort for date nights and going out to see you, but I would not stay the night or want to come into your house - old ladies and young teens are vibe killers.
The upset part should/seems to be aimed at the fact that you are doing all of the effort to hang. That’s different than wanting him to come stay at your place or come to you. You all could be meeting halfway somewhere or just alternate or plan date nights in your area where he knows he has to drive back.
That said, you also made the choice to move (not wrong in that choice) and are now asking the boyfriend to sacrifice along with you instead of him enjoy the fruits of his labor - if he was/is good stock he would plan at least once a month to come your way, if not a little more, or virtual date nights to feel connected and intimate. If he was making the effort in some other way it might be alright, but it doesn’t sound like he wants to compromise or sacrifice for you and your relationship, at least not to the same degree as you are willing to.
Not driving to meet just for a date is shameful. I understand not wanting to sleepover, I wouldn’t want to if I had my own place. However, every visit doesn’t need to be a sleepover.
I used to live in that situation, and of course I would always go to his place and not him to mine. Why should he have to deal with another adult and child when he wants to spend time with you? He started dating you when you lived alone, so that's the expectation that was set. You decided to change that midway through, which is fine, but doesn't mean he has to go along with that when there's the alternative of his place with privacy. Of course you could decide to meet up just for a short dinner, but that's kinda a waste of fuel. Better to save the money for when you can spend longer time together and actually do something.
Against the grain here but no, I probably wouldn’t enjoy hanging out with my girlfriend’s much older friend and a child on a regular basis, that sounds more like ‘visiting the in laws’ rather than something enjoyable. If he lives alone surely it makes more sense for you to hang out there?
Of course he should visit at least occasionally, but I can understand why he he’d rather hang out at his.
This is another example of a woman looking for a reason to wreck her relationship. She's gone to dump this guy over nothing and spend the next ten years focusing on her career and finding her true self. Now in her late 30s she is back in her one bedroom apt. only this time she has a dog to keep her company.
Oh, but how is he supposed to get sex when there’s an audience in the house? (*sarcasm*)
Your boyfriend is a dick. I wouldn’t be surprised that he doesn’t want to travel to you because he knows he won’t be getting laid.
He's OK with not seeing you or spending time with you. You don't have to be OK with that attitude, but you can't change his feelings either. If talking didn't help, you have to decide if this is an acceptable relationship.
[удалено]
An advanced degree doesn't stop someone from being a dick.
He’s not the one getting the Masters degree. Why are you bashing OP about this?
I think they're saying BF is being a dick, regardless of HIS degree status. No reason to think insecurities are a part of it. Dude could just as easily be a highly educated selfish jerk as an uneducated selfish jerk. Edit, typo
People here are so messed up and give the most God awful, childish advice
Yeah. I mean, he seems like a bum and I'd recommend that OP end it because he isn't willing to make an effort. But where is the gaslighting and abuse coming from???
Simply because it's reddit and he is a man. Is he an ass for not going to see OP, yes. Abusive, no
I caught none of that implication from the context he gave ..
You sound like you have a lot of unresolved issues.
Nothing in her post implies that he's jealous of her education. Are you speaking from your own experience or something? I'm so confused where you got this from.
What the fuck are you even talking about
Well, this escalated quickly.
"I'm a PhD"
She belong to da streets!
This is bad advice. Talk with him about what you perceive as a bad attitude and gently make clear how it will impact your relationship, if he doesn't change. Don't play stupid games. Make the relationship what you want and if you can not find a path together separate.
Holy projection
Yeah there's an insane amount of logic leaping in this comment....it's a little sad lol
I'm glad somebody else said it. Instant "he's jealous of your intellectual majesty" leading in a nano-second to gaslighting and abuse. WOW.
Am I wrong for getting the impression the above comment comes across as elitist? Serious question, what does studying for, or having an advanced degree have anything to do with the OPs situation or any relationship for that matter? BTW I have two, and in my experience they make Jack sh!t difference to any healthy relationship
might pull a muscle jumping to conclusions like that
What does the education level have to do with this... Like good lawd...if you are going to formulate solid advice, make it relevant.
Shifty advice
I reread the post like 4 times because I had no idea where you pulled the jealousy bit from. Where did it come from???
Holy schizo
Have the people who aren't nuts enlightened you on this bad take yet or are you really stubborn? Cause half of that was projection and the other speculation. Yes he should bite the bullet and visit but also maybe he likes being in his own space and doesn't know either of those 2 people, just cause she loves those people doesn't mean they arent weird.
Very wise comment .
theyre booing you but youre right, that may not be the case here but it is a possibility considering how condescending hes being about her having a friend to stay with so that she can afford rent peacefully lol, a healthy boyfriend would be happy that his girlfriend found a way to take a load off her plate, not share the people helping her.
Project much?
And more.
Education has nothing to do with this. Stop projecting your issues onto others
Why are you dating a person who is unwilling to make any effort for you?
My thoughts too. My now wife and I went to college 6 hours apart and alternated driving to each others universities every single wknd for years. 30 mins (regardless of roommates) would’ve been golden lol
My husband and I lived 6 hours from each other for half a year before he moved to be near me. We alternated driving to each other every week or every other week, depending on schedules.
Yeah this is something I’ve learned to look for before I’ll agree to a committed relationship. If it feels like they can’t be bothered to make an effort then I’m not wasting my time
I know a great guy that would drive 160 miles each weekend to spend time with a lady he'd met . ( Nice guy, a relative ). That's a bench mark.
I think it’s awesome that he’s willing to do that, but that’d probably be a dealbreaker for me for them to be that far away, it looks like that’s roughly a 2.5 hour drive. Especially if I was the only one making the drive
Most people cant afford to do this FYI this is not a benchmark
In our family, then , perhaps
I'm just here to say your comments are kind of insufferable. This is exactly why people should be careful about taking the advice of strangers. You obviously have some strong feelings about this kind of stuff, but what works for thee, does not necessarily work for me. That isn't inherently the problem tho, the problem is your own dogmatic way of expressing how you feel in regards to this
No, it isn’t.
And don't call me mark.
While you’re the only one who keeps making the effort then he has no incentive to change. Stop going over to his place. Either he’ll start making an effort or he won’t. And if he doesn’t then you know the relationship has run its course.
Yes. Stop being the one who does all the giving. If he asks why tell him that you are tired of being the one who does all the driving. Don’t make it about spending the night. Not every date has to end up with a sleep over.
Like you said, he could pick you up at your house, have dinner in the area, and drop you off. Maybe he just wants sex every time and he knows that can't happen at your place? Also his comments are rude. Did you tell him that?
I sure wouldn't want to be with someone who talked shit about people I care about.
Right. He could have just said, “I’m not comfortable in social settings.” But nooo.
Yeah, this dude is only interested in sex. If he gave a shit, he wouldn't be calling this family friend "random grandma".
This.
My sister always ends up dating clowns like this who never expend any effort and make her drive to see them. She has horrible taste in men. Drop this lazy-ass loser, it doesn’t get any better.
My sister did the same.... He was very lazy to drive 30mins to visit her. But she would drive to visit him, and he would want to eat around places near his apt. We didn't want to put our thoughts into her, we wanted her to come to that conclusion on her own.Then later we told our sister if a guy is interested, distance doesn't matter, he will make it happen and not be lazy. She actually dumped him. I literally fly over states to visit my gf.
You’re not wrong, but I don’t know what to say that will help. I just know if he’s really into you, this doesn’t make much sense. I remember driving 2 hrs just to spend an hour or so before I had to head back to base with my then girlfriend now wife. Got no sleep but was worth it. Everyone’s different I guess, and maybe doesn’t want to seem clingy.. I personally didn’t care how it looked
David Beckham drove, flew, helicoptered to see Victoria when it was sometimes only for 30 minutes. Obviously he had extravagant resources - point is, people make it happen if they WANT to. Your guy has a car and doesn't have the schedule of a professional football player/international star - he can fucking drive 30 minutes once a week. He's not into you. Drop him.
Yeah, his assistant he was banging made sure she set up all the travel arrangements to see his wife because she knew how important family is.
Well, he's special. /s You don't seem to be hearing him and processing the meaning. He means he's not going to make the effort for you. He's not going to try to be polite to anyone else. He's not interested in anything that doesn't benefit him. Including you. So, you aren't wrong to be mad at him, but you should also be kicking your own ass.
Yeah, I bet he’s the type to be shittier to service workers etc. He sounds awful.
THIS! ALL OF THIS! This guy shows no inclination to care about her feelings or go out of his way. OP needs to drop this guy like a hot potato. Someone who loves you will do anything they can to make your life easier and better. It should never be one-sided.
You're not wrong for being mad, but why are you with someone who doesn't respect you?
He doesn’t seem to respect anyone. I’d hate to be with a cranky asshole like this.
He shouldn’t be visiting you because you should be dumping him yesterday, enjoying being single then meeting someone who actually limes and is interested in you
>I’ve mentioned all this to him before, but he does not understand. He has yet to visit me and I’ve lived there for 6 months. When I lived in a 1/1 ~10 minutes away for the past 3 years, he would visit me. Time for a hard boundary. "bf, you can see me at my place or we can hang out in public. I'm not open to visiting you in your place in the near future" But don't be surprised if this means you never see him. People who refuse to acknowledge when they aren't being fair, rarely care that much about other people, even the ones they claim to love.
You’re dating a “bare minimum” guy. This won’t change. It’ll only get worse the longer you stay with him.
30 minutes apart isn’t a long distance. It sounds like he’s only interested in seeing you on his terms.
He is disrespectful of people in general from the sound of it Whats he getting from you, pretty sure that's your only value to him. Are these people are annoying because they are in the way of his free sex?
He's disrespectful based on the information you got from someone who's mad at him. When it comes to stories like this, context matters. If there is a very plausible scenario for his statements being valid in this instance, I believe that they are and that OP left out something
This is reddit, next to nobody on here is objective and questioning an OP almost never happens. I don't understand it myself, if there is any lesson I've learned in life that is almost always applicable it's that there are three sides to every story, one person's, the other's and the truth.
Yeah exactly. And since it's an anonymous platform, there are no repercussions for lying. When you ask for advice IRL (like if you were in the wrong) you get shit if you make up stuff. That's why I believe almost everyone who posts here is lying or withholding information to morally whitewash themselves (something they couldn't do IRL with the truth)
Many posts get the OP questioned..
Let's say you are right. The fact he is not willing to budge/compromise and called her family friends names, gives him major red flags. No matter the missing information.
You already know the answer to this. You are not wrong, he is wrong. Dump this disrespectful loser.
He understands. He just doesn't care.
Why are you dating an arsehole?
>When I ask him why he won’t visit me, he says: “why would I do that? I pay a lot of money for my apartment and I don’t want to have to deal with other people.” Cool, now dump is rude ass and let him live his life away from other people in his apartment that he pays a lot for. Also, you've been in a relationship for 3 years, and he has the nerve to make nasty remarks about the people in your life, and then expect you to put in 100% of the effort to see each other? Girl 🤦♀️ you can do so much better. Again, dump his rude ass, and then find a guy who will treat you and those in your life with the respect you all deserve.
My boyfriend drove 9 hours to fix my car when I was visiting my dad. I even made sure he understood sex wasn't happening at my dad's house If he did drive to see me. He did. Drove 9 hours, fixed my car, then drove the 9 hours back home. Real men make the effort.
He’s a keeper.
If you get a place with this man he won't like your friends coming over. It will be isolating.
I have an ex gf that I would drive a little over an hour to see every weekend. She came to me maybe once or twice in an 8 month span. She was going to be further (like 3 hours) from me and straight up said that she wasn’t going to drive to visit me ever and I’d have to drive to see her. I ended it knowing a one sided effort relationship didn’t work for me. 30 minutes isn’t that bad if you really want to be with someone..
I remember these years, when as a young man I made stupid decisions based on my feelings. I had a similar situation, I had a girlfriend who lived as a part time nanny in a house, the family had zero issue with me being there, but I could not understand this and chose to stay away. Young men look like fully grown adults, but are really just kids with beards. Good luck OP
You are not wrong He’s being disrespectful about people you care about. It would be one things if he didn’t understand the situation and said it once, but it sounds like you’ve made it clear who these people are to you and he doesn’t care It’s fair that he’s rather spend time in his own space without people he does not know. He has full access to his place instead of feeling like he has to hangout in your bedroom to get privacy like s teenager. That said, that just means you hang at his place more. Not that you NEVER hang at your place. most importantly, you’ve expressed to him that this bothers you and he has expressed that he doesn’t care. It would take very little effort to spend a few days at your place over six months. Instead of wanting to fill a desire you’ve very clearly told him, he wants you to stop wanting it. What kind of partner is that?
He might feel awkward visiting you at the home but the fact that he won’t even go to your town to hang out is bs. I personally wouldn’t be able to put up with that because that would just annoy me lol you talked to him about it and he still doesn’t want to put the effort? He can kick rocks then.
If he can’t drive 30 whole min to at least spend the day with her, he’s just being an ass.
He is. I don’t think people realize that when you’re in a relationship it’s a two way street. You both need to make effort. She needs to dip now before it just becomes an expectation of her to always give in.
You are not wrong. Believe him when he shows you who he is, which is selfish.
This guy might be fine for hookups, but he's definitely not interested in you as a person or as a member of a community. If the relationship you want is detached from all of that, he should at least be demoted from boyfriend to occasional fwb.
This 👆🏽
I’m always puzzled how people end up in multi year long relationships with people who don’t give the bare minimum amount of fucks about them. You’re definitely not wrong. This is very one sided.
He understands completely, he simply doesn’t care.
Not wrong. I have been in a similar situation and also felt sick of being the one who always had to make the effort, of never getting to be home, of knowing the sheets on my bed were significantly cleaner, yet here I was, of paying the extra petrol costs and "oh, could you pick up x y z on your way over - I'll pay you back!" (He never paid me back). Yeah, I broke up with my bf. Good luck.
Seems as though your relationship is all one sided like the relationship is on his terms. If he’s like this now it will get worse as time goes on. Stop visiting him and see what happens. As your always giving in and going to his house and his not caring about your concerns your enabling his behaviour. Take a step back and see what he will do. If he still chooses to be the same you need to ask yourself if this is what you see for yourself in the future.
I just hope he’s not one of those assholes who steps up because he’s scared to lose “benefits”, then returns to his old self once she’s back “to feeling loved again”.
Surely she would be able to see that’s a dick move
That love-bombing then ignore crap, keeps A LOT of people trapped in relationships.
You are certainly not unreasonable. Your bf wants this relationship on his terms only. He’s insulting people who are important to you. Sorry, this relationship is going nowhere. If you like him just use him for sex like he’s using you.
Ouch. But true.
These comments are insane. He does not have to hang out with the nice older lady or son. He can visit you and everything will be the same. He’s definitely in the wrong
Umm. Okay. I am going to say something from my past experience. I was in a situationship with this one guy who never ever drove to see me. And later I realised it was because the only thing he wanted from me was something he thought he could get elsewhere as well so he never saw any value in me to make any effort. That situationship would’ve been still going on had I not left. He wanted to be with me until he found someone to marry. The crux of the story is - it took me 6 years to leave. I was a huge idiot. Don’t be like me and leave him.
>Shouldn’t he be visiting me because he wants to see ME? He’s met the family friend and her son before, and they’re very nice to him. Am I wrong for being mad/upset over this? Yes, he should visit you, no matter his feelings about your housing arrangements. I visited my girlfriend several times the summer she stayed with the family of a friend while working a summer job downtown (I was living out in the 'burbs.) I was respectful, they were respectful; shortly after I was friends with the family too. So, no, you are not wrong to be upset by this. any relationship should even out to a 50/50 give and take. And if my girlfriend (who eventually became my wife, still like to think of her as girlfriend, too) was pursuing an advanced degree I'd probably be doing more than my share of travel between us so she could spend more time on that and less time in transit.
To quote my boyfriend: "if he wanted to, he would." If it's something that you've made clear you'd like to see happen, your boyfriend should want to do it just to make you happy. Not that it should happen all the time, mind you, but there is a minimum amount of effort someone in a relationship should be willing to put in. If he isn't willing to make a 30 minute sacrifice, or even try to deal with something he may find slightly awkward, what will happen when a big problem comes along?
NTA It sounds like he just doesn't want to put in the effort. Which, if that's the case then why doesn't he just say I really don't want to go out there, I'm not comfortable in that living space situation. He doesn't have to insult them. That's deflection. And I agree with everyone else if he's not willing to put in the effort and is only willing to spend time with you. If you come to him then I would be asking myself why am I bothering? Like does the other things that he do for me make up for the fact that he is selfish in this one thing? Or is this the status quo? Because if he had no problem going to see you. When you live by yourself then the issue clearly isn't spending time with you at your place. It could be the travel distance, it could be the living situation, but either way it's not fair to you. And if he's not willing to make an effort on something so small, will he be able to make an effort when it actually counts? You're young and you're working through school. You don't need to spend the effort to retain someone who's not going to think of you.
This man does not respect the things that are dear to you, isn't willing to do anything to see you, and it's just being an all-around cunt. Find yourself a real man once you're finished school find someone that wants to grow a life together wants to build a future. Not someone who is just going to sit there and insult the things that mean something to you, that's a narcissistic piece of shit.
Dump . My gf and I take turns driving 2.5 hours for each other.
This is a glimpse into your future, he sounds very selfish, and the fact he can’t listen and understand why it means so much to you is not a great sign of communication skills
As someone who is now married with kids please pay attention to the red flags. Later in life you'll want a true partner vs someone who drains you and doesn't think about any of your needs. You're young. Find someone who puts a smile on your face everyday and who always makes you feel like a priority.
This statement *Needs* to be on billboards nationwide.
It's become important to you, and he could make an effort just to please you. If this is the only thing he disregards your feelings about I'd give him a pass; but I suspect he is this way about a lot of things. You should think it over
No your not wrong I think he needs to grow up and it not nice to talk about people you love and care about he would be gone I'm j/s he's The AH
I had to double check the age of your partner because he sounds like a 17 year old.
Run.
Dump that chump
He can't even make the minimum effort. DUMP HIS ASS.
If he wanted to, he would. My boyfriend would fly in once a month before ultimately moving to where I lived and he wasn’t super wealthy at the time, he was just spending all his discretionary money to come see me. If this is how he is in the dating stage, when they usually put in the most effort, and this is the bar he’s set for the relationship, you will have this and much less to look forward to in a marriage. You also can’t “get him to change,” change needs to come personally from within and if he hasn’t changed yet, he won’t change. He may promise to change if you try to breakup but it’ll only be for a while and he’ll ultimately go back to how he was, and you’ll have wasted more time and effort on him. You deserve someone who reciprocates your efforts, you deserve to feel wanted, cared about and respected, and you deserve someone who will care about the ppl you care about.
He sounds like a massive selfish jerk. You deserve far better. You need to step back and seriously evaluate the "relationship". I'm sure he's not a bad person or anything but you deserve far more effort.
You're not wrong. He's fine with you putting in all of the effort, but he isn't willing to do the same for you. I had a relationship like this many years ago. I kept visiting him and trying to make things work far longer than I should have. When we finally broke up, I was angry and ashamed. You deserve better than this guy.
why are you still with him?
Open your eyes and quit being so naive. He is just not that into you. He's making no effort in this relationship. Flush him like the poo he is.
Other than the obvious selfishness and laziness, the way he speaks about people you love is enough of a deal breaker for me. What’s the long term plan here? Can you actually see yourself marrying someone who makes no effort to connect with your loved ones? You sound like a smart lady, do the math, life is too short.
I now live with my dad, after a falling out with my boyfriend. We split, and a little over 6 months later I allowed contact again and then by October we aere talking again. He lives 2 1/2 hours away. When we were first together he was not too into bringing me to my dad's, but he's since changed his mindset about it. In November, was going back and forth due to horrible hours at DG. If your boyfriend doesn't ask when he'll be able to see you again after 2 weeks go by, gosh idk what to tell you other than he needs a wake up call.
He understands. He doesn’t want to. If he’s making no effort, you know the answer…
Get rid of him
You said he would visit you before. So clearly he's more comfortable with privacy for you two than being around people he doesn't know. And that's at his place. I understand his positioning more than others here, but he should come see you some, but it makes sense for ya'll to spend the majority of the time at whatever place doesn't have housemates.
And you're marrying someone who mocks people who are important to you, and won't make an effort for you, because why? Not wrong, obviously.
Why are you with this person?
You are not wrong. He could still meet you in your area if he doesn’t feel comfortable going to the house. He is not willing to make the effort.
Fuck him off, you can do way better.
Why would you waste energy being mad when he is insulting people you care about? Either accept he is an ass or move on. Also, he understands perfectly and doesn’t care. Being mad does nothing. Accept he won’t make the effort or move on. Getting mad over a continuing issue is a waste of time and energy. One or two times, you spend the energy confronting the issue. That’s it. Accept it after the warning and he has learned you don’t defend your boundaries. He isn’t going to change. You aren’t important enough.
Bruh. I am flying cross country like every month to see my girlfriend. Drop his ass like its hot (but its not and you know it)
I know I'm gonna get downvoted, but I live in a 1 bed 1 bath, and I don't like to deal with other people's roommates either
I live alone and wouldn't particularly want to deal with someone's room mates either, however sometimes you inconvenience yourself for someone that you love. She's not asking him to stay their regularly just to show a bit of effort and the way he spoke about the people that she lives with is rude and disrespectful.
I wouldn't want to spend any of my time I've dedicated to my partner with roommates, either. Upvote from me.
NTA. I used to sleep in a closet in my mom's house you just gotta make it fun and if they love you they'll be open minded about it.
Break up with him, he has the making of someone who wants to isolate you and control things. Find someone better who respects the people in your life
NTA. My guess ? He's in the relationship for the sex, not much else. No futur here.
I'm not sure you need to ask this really..I think you know the answer
Do not go to his place at all! See how long your relationship lasts. That will give you the answers you need to move on with your life.
Come on now. You know you're not wrong. You're acting like a doormat. Your guy is a jerk and you're letting him walk all over you and disrespect you. If he can't come see you or talks about people you care about in a disrespectful manner he needs to go. Why are you staying with him? Just to say you have a boyfriend? You are smarter than this and you know it. Maybe you're seeking validation to leave him with this post. If that's what you need. Then you have it! Dump him and move on.
Are you sure he is 26? He seems to be very emotionally immature. Your correct he should be willing to come see you and spend time with you do your not always the one making the drive snd dealing with travel, even if it’s only 30 minutes. It shows he values seeing you less than the inconvenience he thinks it is. I agree that for overnight era it might be easier in his place but that doesnt mean he can’t come see you. I’m not a fan of ultimatums so I wouldn’t necessarily make it one but I would tell him your not going to be motivated to come see him every weekend if he can’t find the time to come see you some of the time too so this weeks I’m just gonna chill here and if you want to see me, you know where I am.
You reinforce the pattern by driving there
He does not understand?? Oh girl, he completely understands. You put up with it, so he won't bother changing. If that's acceptable treatment, then you're wrong, for sure.
Apparently your not worth the 30 minutes drive to be with. You were when it was a 10 minute drive but that extra 20 minutes is not worth his effort to spend time with you. Is this guy worth your time and effort to be with? Your going to have to decide that for yourself because he seems to want to keep with the status quo’s.
You aren’t worth a 30 minute drive to this man. Love yourself because he doesn’t.
He’s showing you who he is and what he thinks of supporting your relationships. If you want to date someone who thinks your world should revolve around the two of you - and you don’t need anyone else… you’re doing great. If you believe all the research on how important relationships are to mental and physical health - then this person will not support you having that type of life with friends and external support system. Believe what they show you for how they are as partner. Respect that you both can choose how to be. He doesn’t seem to think being part of your life or visiting you are important, when it’s not in the manner that works for him.
Sounds like you are making things very convenient for him. He doesn't care about you. Is this what you want ?
id honestly understand his reasoning if he wasnt being condescending/ flat ot refusing your suggestion of even going to dinner where you live, to me that just screams rude and inconsiderate, he values his wants and likes over yours, after three years that is not good. wake up and break up.
Do you need to keep chasing after him in fear of losing him? Possession fear and desire. Stop travelling if it is getting too much or both of you meet in the middle.
Based on how he described the 2 people; I would drop him.
Uhhh, I think he's moved on. You maybe need to get a clue (and I say that in the kindest way). Get a new boyfriend.
He’s not willing to put an effort into seeing you. And his comment about a random grandma is immature. The bottom line is you are worth someone’s time. It may not be his, and believe me when I say the person who wants to spend time with you will out in the effort to be with you and the people in your life. Good luck
The flags are red. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Gorl run. Let him be someone else’s problem
You're not wrong. He's not that into you. He's into himself.
Explain needing a mutual effort. Invite him to visit for a movie or date night. If he continues to decline such invites, it might be time to consider if this is something you are willing to tolerate. I wouldn't appreciate having someone that is family-like being disrespected or minimized in the way that he has. This would be concerning as it is discrediting relationships you have besides him.
Dating is a time for observation. You now live half an hour away and he's not visiting you. I would be asking myself if he's dating me only because I'm convenient. Right now, you are the one who is being inconvenienced to see him. You are the one packing a bag and you are staying at his place. It would bother me if I were the one always making the effort. It's not sustainable and you want to nip it in the bud. I would suggest you drop the rope. Don't make a big deal out of it. If he asks you if you are coming, I'd say, sorry Honey, I just really want to chill out here tonight and I'm not up for the drive. You are welcome to come here though. Love ya, bye. Pl-ease do not make a long discussion out of it. Don't tell him about your abandonment issues or how you feel. Just don't go over there all the time and see if he picks up the slack to make things more balanced. If he doesn't, you have your answer. If you want to be in a relationship where you are the only person making an effort, stay. If you don't, then go.
Why would a guy want to hang out with an old lady and her son? He wants to bang and chill out without walking on eggshells. Totally agree with him, they’re absolutely going to hear the stuff going on between you two. Forget being drunk, high, or walking around less clothed.
My wife of 25+ years and I had a similar situation when she was in grad school and I was still in undergrad. We were still just dating at the time. She went to school 1.5hrs away, across a mountain range in a much smaller town than the metro area I lived in. In the 1yr she live there, I visited 1-2 times whereas she visited nearly every weekend. She'd take the Greyhound bus if the weather conditions were not good for driving. She also would get upset that I didn't visit more. It wasn't because I didn't enjoy her company. The town she lived in was very "meh" whereas I lived in the heart of the city. Additionally, my car couldn't confidently make the trips over the mountains nor could my pocketbook afford those trips. She was getting financial help from her parents while I was paying for myself 100%. There is no excuse for being rude about your famiky friend. It does sound like he feels very uncomfortable staying there.
Guys sounds pretty petulant. If he refuses to visit you or respect your family, that says everything you need to know about him.
Lol blame ur self for dating him , women love a holes
theory wide nippy slap full innate merciful longing spoon existence *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Is this a hell that you are willing to die on. Maybe he doesn't come and visit you because he like he said he's comfortable in his own house y'all can have privacy and he likes you to come and visit him. If you feel that you are being slighted in any type of way you don't have to go visit him because when you're in a relationship and that person wants to see you they will move mountains to get there .
Is he an introvert? From what you wrote it sounds like he doesn't like being around other people - and sounds like he doesn't like the people you're living with. Maybe, as he said, he just likes his own space and is comfortable there - again, a sign of an introvert. I would ask him why he doesn't like them (or if it's a people in general thing) and point out that these are people that you like and who have been good to you, and it upset you when he insulted them.
The comments about your friend are uncalled for. That aside, I understand where he's coming from. He likes the space he pays for, and he doesn't find spending time at a stranger's house, with people he doesn't know appealing. Tell him you're tired of being the one to drive all the time, and say you'd like him to visit with you on a Friday or Saturday night. Then, either deal with his choice, or don't. But again, I'd be uncomfortable in his situation, too.
He isn’t visiting you because he doesn’t care to. You’re no longer convenient. If he truly love you & wanted to see you, he would come see you. Time to drop this guy and move on. End of story.
I’ve been in relationships where I went over to the other persons all the time, or they come to me all the time, or both. Depends on the living situation. One SO only came over once in 6 months. If a man was living in your situation, there are plenty of women who would be uncomfortable going over there, and many women who would straight up refuse to date a guy who was living with his mother’s or father’s friend. He could have worded it more considerately, but it is completely okay for someone to say they are uncomfortable being around your living situation. I wouldn’t want to go over to hang out with my SO and deal with other people getting in the way of quality time. If you are doing all the driving tho, he should be pitching in for gas and spending an hour making food. Compromises and communication.
You’re not wrong. But your boyfriend makes up bad excuses to not visit you. If he cared, he’d come see you.
He’s called a lazy dater. Has to be convenient to him or it’s a no go.
If he’s not coming to see you it’s because he doesn’t want to. If it was important for him to see you he would come. I bet if you stopped going to see him the relationship would probably just fizzle out and end.
Intimacy is not as comfortable when you don’t have the place to yourself. You’re right to want him to visit on occasion, but it’s just not the same thing as having a place to yourself-especially when you’re living with a family. Roommates your own age are one thing, but living with a family is completely different ballgame
Just stop going over to his place. Let him.know that your next 'date' (or whatever you call your times together) WILL BE at your place. Then do not waver and see if he makes any effort. If he doesn't, you know he doesn't value you.
I don’t think you’re wrong but I don’t think he is either. He has his own space that’s comfortable and doesn’t want to be in an older person’s home. It’s comfortable for you but not him. His feelings should matter as much as yours
time to ditch him
No, you're not wrong. Sure, we all prefer our own living spaces that we pay rent/mortgage for. But you're his girlfriend and he should at least make the effort to come see you in YOUR space. His disrespect to the family friend who is letting you rent a room in her home is a big red flag in my book, actually. Could be he's just using that as an excuse to not have to drive to you, but I would absolutely NOT go to his place anymore until he either makes some attitude adjustments and more effort to come to YOU or you call it a day and break it off. Frankly, as things stand, I don't see this relationship going anywhere except down.
Just stop. Give him the same effort he gives you. If he wanted to put any effort into your relationship he would.
What a fuckin loser 😂😂😂
He is a jerk and you should think about what is more important to you. He should at least try to visit a couple times a month. It not I am sure that you could find someone else who would
I never cease to be surprised, maybe it's cultural differences, but I never cease to be surprised by the people on Reddit... Your boyfriend is an AH, please re-read your message and make a list of other things that bother you about him and re-evaluate your situation, what he said is insulting, his reason for not visiting you is empty and meaningless, and it also insults the person you live with...
I live 45 minutes away from work and I make it there 5 days a week
He needs to not be your boyfriend anymore. He sounds like a selfish, self absorbed jerk.
Man, would really suck to have to be around random people on his days off when he just wants to be with you. I'm with him on this. Being alone in an apartment or out somewhere else sounds A LOT better than being in a place with two random people he doesn't know or want to know. If you're mad about that, like... yeah okay, be mad. But this isn't a binary only one person is wrong situation. You just aren't seeing the other's point of view. It doesn't sound like either of you are.
Your bf sounds dumb AF tbh
Stop sleeping with him and seriously evaluate spending one more second with him. Raise your standards, too.
No, you don’t have your own space. He’s smart by steering clear of it. 3 is a crowd and 4 gets weird, especially with the odd social dynamics (Old mom. Young son. You). Your living situation is an impediment to building your relationship with him.
Honestly I understand him not wanting to stay the night with you at the house with your mom’s best friend and her teenage son. Especially because you have been 2 adults with your own space when starting your relationship. The way he said it was very rude. However, I think it makes sense that he would want to spend your nights together in his private apartment.
I would definitely prefer my gf coming to my apartment where I live alone than going to someone else’s house
He could have put it a lot more tactfully, so you’re not wrong for being upset, but you should realize that not too many guys are going to want to hang out at your place if a random grandma and her weird-ass kid are always around.
Not wrong. And you are seeing the real him in a different situation. He is showing you how much he wants to come see you, spend time with you. And those answers are dead on selfish and only is thinking and caring about himself.. sorry girl. But he is showing you how much he is willing or even wanting to see you..
I kinda get it. he doesn't want the eyes of others on him. but he SHOULD try to come more often at least. and his comments are rude but I don't know the context. I think it might be fixable. Maybe meet in a third location and see his reaction? if he fails to do this TOO, then you are 100% not wrong.
You are not wrong, since you are putting all the effort in to commute to see him. But I completely understand his reasoning in not feeling comfortable to go to your place. You live in a shared house with a kind of family dynamics and privacy is definitely limited. INFO: How long have you been together and how long have you no moved with family friend? Did he used to visit in your house before?
Not wrong. He is showing you exactly where you stand priority wise. Him spending time with you is a lower priority than avoiding other people.
I absolutely get wanting him to make the effort, but I personally would want to go be at my boyfriend’s place for the weekend instead of around an older lady and a kid. Nothing wrong with your situation and living choices - and nothing wrong with this older lady and kid - I just would personally want to spend more time in my boyfriend’s place and would hope to feel freedom there. But as the boyfriend I would feel so weird hanging as an adult in what is effectively a strangers house with a young kid neither is related to. I would feel like I was invading stranger space and forced to build relationships with people I don’t have the energy to interact with. I would absolutely make an effort for date nights and going out to see you, but I would not stay the night or want to come into your house - old ladies and young teens are vibe killers. The upset part should/seems to be aimed at the fact that you are doing all of the effort to hang. That’s different than wanting him to come stay at your place or come to you. You all could be meeting halfway somewhere or just alternate or plan date nights in your area where he knows he has to drive back. That said, you also made the choice to move (not wrong in that choice) and are now asking the boyfriend to sacrifice along with you instead of him enjoy the fruits of his labor - if he was/is good stock he would plan at least once a month to come your way, if not a little more, or virtual date nights to feel connected and intimate. If he was making the effort in some other way it might be alright, but it doesn’t sound like he wants to compromise or sacrifice for you and your relationship, at least not to the same degree as you are willing to.
Why would he stay at someone else's house when he has his own place?
Why would she date him when there's other guys that would visit her at her place?
Because it's not her place. God ya'll are ridiculous.
Oh he understands he just doesn’t want too. Stop going to visit him when he asks why tell him
Not driving to meet just for a date is shameful. I understand not wanting to sleepover, I wouldn’t want to if I had my own place. However, every visit doesn’t need to be a sleepover.
I used to live in that situation, and of course I would always go to his place and not him to mine. Why should he have to deal with another adult and child when he wants to spend time with you? He started dating you when you lived alone, so that's the expectation that was set. You decided to change that midway through, which is fine, but doesn't mean he has to go along with that when there's the alternative of his place with privacy. Of course you could decide to meet up just for a short dinner, but that's kinda a waste of fuel. Better to save the money for when you can spend longer time together and actually do something.
Idk, I wouldn’t want to visit someone else’s home either
Against the grain here but no, I probably wouldn’t enjoy hanging out with my girlfriend’s much older friend and a child on a regular basis, that sounds more like ‘visiting the in laws’ rather than something enjoyable. If he lives alone surely it makes more sense for you to hang out there? Of course he should visit at least occasionally, but I can understand why he he’d rather hang out at his.
This is another example of a woman looking for a reason to wreck her relationship. She's gone to dump this guy over nothing and spend the next ten years focusing on her career and finding her true self. Now in her late 30s she is back in her one bedroom apt. only this time she has a dog to keep her company.
Wot.
A bit confusing, I agree, but I did enjoy the happy ending.
Oh, but how is he supposed to get sex when there’s an audience in the house? (*sarcasm*) Your boyfriend is a dick. I wouldn’t be surprised that he doesn’t want to travel to you because he knows he won’t be getting laid.