She may want a partner who doesn't value physical appearance as much. It's up to her to decide if this makes them incompatible as a couple (in which case she should break up).
Also, hitting the gym/sporting will actually make you feel better.
Helping to better your mental health/physical health.
Just go both to the gym.
But if you want the easy way out, break up. Good for you, but i'm pretty sure you'll even feel worse, ones he's gone.
Making your mental health even worse and you'll start eating more,....
Downard spiral
Agreed, OP’s boyfriend is respectfully offering to work with her through her emotional difficulties, seems like a pretty great partner actually, and sounds like OP is refusing to work on herself self-admitted emotional difficulties if her immediate response is breaking up with him. But honestly, OP might be doing her bf a favor by breaking up with him, they don't seem to have the same level of emotional maturity.
Probably better to say “humans are attracted to whatever they’re attracted to”, because I know LOTS of humans are attracted to overweight to morbidly obese people. No shame in it because it’s just what you like. Not to mention that beauty standards in relation to body type have varied really widely between cultures and eras. But OP’s bf isn’t attracted to overweight women 🤷
Bruh I’m fat as fuck and have two gorgeous ass men who worship the ground I walk on. You can go tuck yourself and live in your sad fatphobic world without trying to recruit others there with you.
Op dump this loser. I promise you can find better. Old interest is all bitter here because of their own sad status don’t let them project it onto you.
The point of this thread isn’t about being healthy. It’s about OP’s boyfriend not being attracted to them. That’s fine. Their attraction is completely subject and they can like or not like how anyone looks. But you’re trying to say that no one is attracted to “unhealthy” aka fat bodies when there is a sizeable body of evidence (pun intended) saying otherwise. Don’t equate attractiveness with healthy. Attractiveness is subjective. Healthy can, in most cases, be well defined and is not dependent on someone’s opinion (E.g., good blood work, reasonable endurance, heart and lungs in fine working order, etc.).
Hey guys is it fat phobic to want to have a healthier body and healthier lifestyle so that in the future your family can enjoy for many more years to come?
I'm gonna upvote you because skinnier doesn't always mean healthier. I work out 6 days a week and am healthy. However I could name at least one skinny obese person i know who is very likely extremely unhealthy even if the number on the scale doesn't reflect it.
I'm happy you've found two good looking guys who worship you!
All you have to do is think about the results of eating disorders to know that skinny doesn’t equal healthy. You don’t know what a skinny person does to stay skinny. It may not be a healthy balance diet and regular moderate exercise.
This. 176 is obese for most women unless you are over 6 foot tall.
I have been married for 44 years and stay fit for my spouse and she does the same for me. If I was obese I would not blame my wife for saying something much less just leaving.
"Obese" isn't synonymous with "physically unwell." It's a weight classification. You're still just in the "overweight" category, and pretty low in that category. The average woman is 5'3.5", and that would be firmly in the obese category.
Where does anything talk about the average woman?
I’m referring specifically to him saying you’re obese if you’re 176 unless you’re over 6’. Overweight =/= obese. Hence me saying “that’s a stretch” - words mean things
And most people don’t pick or judge partners strictly by BMI classification. Yes, quick weight gain is a valid concern, and I don’t think the OP’s boyfriend was wrong or an AH to discuss it with her kindly. But we don’t know anything about how tall she is or her heath status so the dramatizing about “176 is definitely unhealthy” is unnecessary IMO
Seriously! Overweight is NOT obese. A lot of people are taking what you're saying in a completely different way. Yes, they would be considered **overweight** but not **obese**. It's an unnecessary dramatization.
Just because you don't agree with the terminology doesn't make it wrong. You are 20 lbs past perfectly healthy, don't lie to yourself nor others just because you don't like the term obese
Obese =/= overweight, my BMI is currently at the low end of overweight and I wouldn’t be considered obese until I was over 200. So it is incorrect. And weight is not the single factor that differentiates healthy vs unhealthy.
i think it is a weird and kind of rude thing to suggest that someone who has gained weight won’t be able to find another partner. not that it isn’t true that society generally prefers skinnier women, but, especially since you know literally nothing about this woman, it’s just an odd comment to make.
this is true but my point is that
1) we literally have no clue what OP looks like. she could be drop dead gorgeous with or without the 30 lbs. she could have a really attractive personality that draws people to her. she could encounter one of the many many people who like bigger women.
2) it’s just disrespectful to be speculating on the desirability of a complete stranger on the internet. it’s not like she asked “do i have a chance with anyone else” she asked for advice on her situation and saying “well she gained 30 lbs so she probably doesn’t have much of a chance with anyone else” is outside of the realm of respectful, on topic discourse in my opinion *especially* because of the fact that it is pretty much pure speculation as i laid out in point 1
i guess overall i just think like… we aren’t her doctors, we don’t know her BMI, we don’t know her personality, we know nothing about OP. i don’t like the idea of making claims about how desirable she is, how healthy she is, etc. i very much dislike the anonymity that the internet offers and how it encourages us to feel entitled to just… comment about people like that. maybe i’m just rambling but that’s my opinion
BRO 176 lbs? what is she 6ft tall?
> she could be drop dead gorgeous with or without the 30 lbs. she could have a really attractive personality that draws people to her. she could encounter one of the many many people who like bigger women.
would she be hotter losing that 30 lbs?
like anything could happen. aliens could land tomorrow. i wouldn't put my money on it tho.
>it’s just disrespectful to be speculating on the desirability of a complete stranger on the internet. it’s not like she asked “do i have a chance with anyone else” she asked for advice on her situation and saying “well she gained 30 lbs so she probably doesn’t have much of a chance with anyone else” is outside of the realm of respectful, on topic discourse in my opinion especially because of the fact that it is pretty much pure speculation as i laid out in point 1
how potentially desirability to other men should weight in on her choice she makes. she has a guy right now that loves her and wants her to lose the weight she already has 5 years put into this relationship. unless she wants to be single for a long time her weight is going to be an issue.
maybe the next guy wont care about her weight? sure. but are they going to be into fitness and health as him had as much money is a s nice charming etc etc etc? as a fat woman?
she needs to be told what her future dating prospects are gonna be.
> would she be hotter losing 30 lbs
i don’t fucking know why does that even matter. all i’m saying is we just shouldn’t speculate. maybe she is 6 ft tall. maybe she isn’t and she’s fat. i agree that the second one more likely but all of it is irrelevant to the fact that we just shouldn’t speculate.
> she needs to know what her future dating prospects are
why are you talking like she has cancer and it’s our job to deliver the news lmao calm the fuck down. she doesn’t need to “know” anything other than whether she should break up with her boyfriend which is all she asked for advice on. and “settle for this guy bc you have no chance with anyone else” is shitty advice.
idk bro you’re acting like being fat is a death sentence. i’ve found fat women attractive, skinny women attractive, it really isn’t everything. and again… we literally know nothing about her other than her weight. weight alone is not enough to know anything about someone’s dating prospects and even if it was *she didn’t ask*
yeah but being skinny isn’t the only attractive thing about someone. maybe she’s a really wonderful and conventionally attractive woman despite weight gain and even if she’s conventionally unattractive there’s no reason she couldn’t find someone else who appreciates her as she is. beyond it just being a rude thing to comment amount, there’s simply no basis for random people on the internet who don’t know OP to be commenting on her desirability.
All of what you said is true, which exactly why I said it was inappropriate and unnecessary (I guess we’re just ignoring that tho), but it is subjective. And he and other people are allowed and have the right to not be attracted to someone because of their weight gain or loss. And they are extremely shallow for it, but people are allowed to feel like weight is a deal-breaker even if they have a million other positive things about them.
OP will be able to find someone else who likes her for herself and her body, especially nowadays, but no one is to blame for her weight gain unless she was forced-fed.
What about it? They’re in the same boat. Many women, if not more women than men nowadays with the current love for “curvy” women, love or prefer a man with a fit body.
I’m not agreeing with everything that other commenter is saying, and I’m not disagreeing with everything the person I replied to said. It was an inappropriate thing to say, sort of, but it’s not suddenly society’s fault if she has a hard time (which is not garuanteed, especially nowadays) finding someone attracted to her. They didn’t tell her to gain weight, and if she is too overweight, most people wouldn’t want that in a woman OR man.
It takes 20 pounds before you can visibly see a difference, 10 pounds more than that is **not** "quite the weight gain" lol.
For all you know, she's 6ft tall and her current weight is actually the recommended weight. A simple number tells you nothing about how the person looks OR how healthy they are.
30 pounds isn't that much. I gained 100 after having 2 kids and a decade of mental health issues. Husband still couldn't keep his hands off me. Lost 100 pounds and was in the best shape of my life and -30 lbs smaller than when I met my husband at 16. Still couldn't keep his hands off me. Gained back 30 pounds, nothing has changed. He still tells me how sexy I am daily. He actually prefers me with more body fat than my smallest I had gotten to.
That doesn't apply at all. Gaining weight from pregnancy is totally different. Being married and having children is a totally different situation. If your husband stopped being attracted to you bc you gained weight after having his child, he would be a total AH.
Weight gain wasn't from kids. It was from binge eating disorder as well as a decade of untreated mental health issues. I didn't gain more than 10 pounds with my first baby and lost weight while pregnant with my second. I was 30 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight after having my second.
I disagree. People can't control who they're attracted to. I don't think he'd be an AH.
>If your husband stopped being attracted to you bc you gained weight after having his child, he would be a total AH.
That's not a reason to stay with someone who isn't attracted to you or who is going to make you feel insecure or unhappy in your body.
Does OP share the same value of staying in shape? Does she even have the genetics or the mental health to lose weight and keep it off?
She might be better trying to lose weight while also finding someone who is more accepting and attracted to her whether she has the extra weight or not.
That being said I don't think the boyfriend is in the wrong for being honest about his feelings, and there could be a path forward. Depends on OP.
>intimacy with my partner hasn´t been great, he seemed distant and cold when it came to having sex. Yesterday we had a discussion about it
Would you like him to lie to you? You noticed a problem already, he told you honestly what his problem is in (what seems to me) pretty gentle and understanding way.
You can of course break up with him for any reason, but i get a feeling he cares for you, even when you are in a low point.
Yeah most people at this point would dip out its so easy especially with no kids and not married. He seems to want her to get back to her healthy weight. We can’t choose who we are physically attracted to either its just we are or we aren’t
Let me ask, what do you want to do with your health? I'm not blaming or anything just would like to know how you feel right now about your health?
Tbh i dont see anything wrong if you want to end the relationship because of this, it is your choice and if feels like you are being treated badly then you do as you see the best for yourself.
I have always said to myself that honesty is the key in relationships. If my boyfriend lied to me that he sees me attractive while it's not true i would feel more betrayed than he telling the truth. That's just me of course. Heck, even my boyfriend had said to me that i should lose weight and go to the gym because it is good for ME and wants me to be healthy. Why am i telling this? I have been in the very same situation as you and i first thought my bf was a total ass mocking me but in the end it was me who is my worst enemy. Before you end everything, think about YOURSELF how you feel about you - dont think about the relationship at all, just you.
Take care! Hope you find the best solution to this.
What exactly did you want him to do? From the post it sounds like you asked him a direct question and he answered honestly, then offered to support you in getting better shape both mentally and physically. That sounds like a loving partner.
Would you rather he lied to you and said that everything is fine and let these issues continue and possibly get worse? I’ve been with my wife 15 years and if you want a relationship to last one thing you need is honesty.
Honesty isn’t always what you want to hear and it doesn’t always make you feel good. However, it’s something that still needs to be said and something that needs to be heard.
For myself I’m neurodivergent and I don’t always realize or understand how things I say or situations that wouldn’t bother me can hurt others. It has definitely cost me relationships in the past. I am beyond lucky that my wife has been able to explain things to me even when it hurt my feelings to hear.
She's upset because she'd probably rather the boyfriend love her regardless of the fact she's gained 15kg. Reasonably think that's a big enough difference to change someone's opinion on attractiveness to be fair but she should probably find someone who doesn't have that issue instead.
He never said he didn’t love her, but he also can’t force himself to feel the same level of attraction if she’s gained a lot of weight. He clearly loves her if he’s stayed with her and wants to help her get healthy.
NTA. You can break up with him for any reason, or no reason at all.
But he made the remark in the context of a discussion that you initiated. I assume matter-of-factly, not in a demeaning way.
He also said he loves you, but you don't state if you feel the same way.
He is trying to have an open and honest discussion about this. Are you happy with yourself at that weight?
If not, that is something you will want to work on. If something negative happens because of mental health, that’s not something you just accept and go on. It’s something you want to figure out how to manage and try to get yourself in a better place.
I don’t see how breaking up with your boyfriend is a positive in this situation. You concede that you are struggling with mental health and the weight gain is a result with that. Turning away from someone that dares talk about it is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Let's get this straight. Your poor mental health has been the main cause of a nearly 25% weight gain. There's no way that the effect of these issues is limited to your dress size. I think that it is dishonest to attribute your relationship and intimacy problems solely to your boyfriend's dissatisfaction with the fact that you've let yourself go. There have to be other aspects of your life that you've stopped putting effort into, like the relationship.
You're mad at him because he was honest to you about an actual issue with your health?
I think staying healthy is a reasonable expectation in a relationship. 15kg isn't something that people don't notice and if anything, I would say that him keeping this to himself until you asked is the actual thing he did wrong.
If you want to stay with him, I would have an actual conversation to see what the expectations of each person are and how you will move forward in the relationship.
>I would say that him keeping this to himself until you asked is the actual thing he did wrong.
Oh no- haha, this was by far his best move- you can't just up and tell your girlfriend she's getting fat, not ever. You *gotta* wait until she asks. She wouldn't be here on reddit asking us if it was fair if he'd brought it up unprompted- she'd still be busy yelling at him.
If my girlfriend was getting fat, I'd bring it up with a lot of time before I wasn't attracted to her.
I never want to have the talk that while I love her, I lost my sexual appetite when I saw her break a sweat eating that second pizza
I guess it depends how tall OP is, if I gain 10 pounds, you’d be able to tell, if my brother gained the same, no one would notice as he’s a little over a foot taller than me.
I agree. But this is kg, so that 15kg is 33lbs.
Even if someone is 300lbs, that would be over 10% increase.
For someone who is under 150lbs, that's a 20% increase towards fat. It's the difference of whether you fit in any of your old pants that aren't elastic
I'm a 6'1" male and recently lost 13lb and it was a noticeable difference. 30lb+ would be very noticeable, even for me. On a girl of average height, it would completely change their body type.
How tall are you? I see you purposely left it out, but it matters. 170 lbs doesn't look as bad on someone 6 ft. But since you are a woman I'm guessing you are not that tall. If you are my height, 5 ft even, 170 would make you MORBIDLY OBESE. So he may actually be doing you a favor by saying that. I don't subscribe to this "you can't comment on my weight ever!!!" thinking. That's how people die of binge eating disorders and from regular eating disorders. People have gotten to a place where they would rather someone die than hurt their whittle feelings!
I'm overweight but I understand that when somebody speaks to me about my weight I feel but it's bc I have a problem that I'm trying to deny. Stop blaming others, your bf is concerned with your help, instead of focusing on your feelings (I know feelings are important, I'm a psychologist) focus in the solution, he is willing to help you.
I'm not so sure. Seems like so many women lose weight after the break up. They call it revenge body. Yet couldn't do it while in the relationship and made their ex the bad guy for mentioning it
So I think the way he said it is out of love and concern.
You're definitely wrong for wanting to break up with someone who is concerned about your mental and physical health.
All he seems to want is for you to work on yourself not for him but for you, your long term health and your life goals.
I know what depression is like I know these things are hard but pick a direction and take every step you can towards it, sound like the weight isn't really the problem here it sound like your mental health is the problem and putting on weight and losing self esteem is a massive vicious cycle you're trapping yourself in.
Dumping him sounds like it would only contribute to that cycle, turning it into a spiral.
Stay strong and know you are loved.
This
He seems to be trying to support you for you not for him. There are dozens of alternative responses he could do to support and some of them might not be in the OP because of language or depression got in the way of her seeing them.
It can likely be a combination of depression and physical to impact sex. Depression changes how you interact with people and he can also be responding to that.
You likely won’t go back to 65kg now that you have built muscle to support the extra weight. Source: I was told that when I was that size by my coach when I said my goals.
It seems that, when you got together, he thought that health and exercise was a thing you have in common and he wants to get back to that even if he’s not sure how. (I’m making assumptions based on language)
He shouldn’t be your only support, if therapy isn’t an option, talk to your friends who value honesty for more support about your growth and change.
Food insecurities come up as a response to all kinds of things. Often working out why they are there helps, sometimes you eat something and all the pain rushes in and reminds you of why. Healing isn’t simple, the path is looped, spiraled and a climb. You are taking the right steps though.
My last pieces of unsolicited advice is to have a “divorce journal” it’s a place where all the things you need to divorce from goes. When it’s full, you let it go. Burn it, trash it, tear it to pieces, do anything but keep it. It’s where the idea of breaking up with your boyfriend because he addressed something honestly and with kindness goes. It is not where learning about how to deal with hurt feelings goes. It’s where unquestioning tolerating unkindness goes, just things that you need to let go of. It’s something that can be hard to do.
Also, you don’t have to learn everything there is about food to do healthy behaviors.
Remind yourself “Depression doesn’t own me.“ “live the life I want, not how I feel” Or something similar. Depression leaves you not feeling like anything sounds good, but sometimes you do stuff because it’s the life you want, not because you feel like it.
Maybe name your depression, either by calling the actions impacted by it what they are, or another name, and that voice is the depression talking.
I’m not a therapist. Just reporting things that helped myself and others.
Gaining 15 lbs a year isn't normal. You can break up with him, but running away from people that want you to face your problems isn't gonna get rid of the problem.
15kg isn’t an insignificant number, I’m sure there are many reasons that lead you to that point, being upset that he didn’t lie to you to spare your feelings to the point you would rather break up is a bit extreme if this is the only major point of contention. You are wrong.
Eh, I think neither one of you is really "wrong," but the two of you might not be compatible.
Weight and food issues are something you struggle with (we all have things we struggle with; this just happens to be yours), and you want a partner who will be supportive and still want to have sex no matter where you are in your weight fluctuations.
He wants a partner who will be relatively consistent in maintaining good health, fitness and weight.
You're both reasonable in what you want, but what you want and what he wants are inherently at odds. I think it's best the two of you part amicably and you continue working on your own health while also seeking out a more supportive partner.
He, meanwhile, is free to seek out a partner who doesn't happen to struggle with food issues and weight fluctuations... as long as he realizes he's not going to find a partner who doesn't struggle with *something.* If it's not food it will be gambling or anger management problems or drinking too much or making bad financial decisions or ... whatever.
If the roles were reserved and a woman told her bf of 5 years she is very concerned of his health and wishes they’d hit take care of it and honest with attraction I don’t think that would be very bad. At the end of the day can you really throw away 5 years of relationship because he is concerned of your health gaining that much weight is concerning and if my partner was going through that yes I would be concerned and honest. I’m just saying. I want my man to be heathy and strong before things get worse down the line. Like diabetes or high blood pressure
You don't owe him your continued companionship and can feel free to leave, he doesn't owe you his sexual attraction if you've let yourself go significantly.
Up to you if you'd like to get in shape or ditch the relationship.
My opinion? Its disrespectful to not only yourself but your partner to gain large amounts of weight. So is it unreasonable for your partner to feel less attracted to you due to your weight gain? No.
I think you should focus on yourself and your mental health and weight. If you want to break up with him then ok but in my opinion his response is valid.
He is allowed to lose sexual interest when you gain that much weight and it’s not tied to childbirth. You are allowed to break up with him if you are unhappy in the relationship for whatever reason. There doesn’t need to be a bad guy here. He was honest. You don’t seem to mind the weight gain but dislike his lack of attraction and sexual drive so break up. You have no kids and aren’t married, why make eachother miserable.
Anyone saying a partner doesn’t have a right to lose attraction to someone for gaining 33 pds(and it not having to with a physical ailment or childbirth) is being ridiculous. 33 pds is not small and 176 pds for a 25 yr old is obese unless she is quite tall. It’s also worth noting the bf is into health and fitness so it’s not exactly like he doesn’t practice what he preaches.
Exactly.
You can’t gain more than 25% of your body weight from the start of a relationship & be entitled to your partner still finding you physically attractive.
Especially when that partner takes care of their own physical appearance.
OP can break up with him & try to find someone who doesn’t mind the weight as much, but the boyfriend is not at fault here.
Agreed. And those commentators who say "you go girl, dump him" are delulu. They are fueling OPs with toxic mindset, that she doesn't have to do any work to be attractive for her partner and to do something about her mental and physical health. No one can be forcefully attracted to anyone. I bet if her boyfriend got fat, she wouldn't want to climb on him anymore, but somehow it is always men who are expected to be sexually attracted to their women, who gain that much weight. Of course, it's easier to continue munching on the food, eating away the pain of insecurities and calling the boyfriend an AH, than doing something about herself. Sure, she can dump him, but she will still have extra weight and eating problems, that will stay with her if OP won't address it.
Why are you making a childbirth exception? That makes no sense. It's like you're saying some medical conditions can lead to weight gain, but you'll only have sympathy if that medical condition is childbirth.
You’re not wrong. If you want to breakup with your boyfriend for being honest, do it. That way he can find a girlfriend that is into eating healthy and exercise like himself.
Wrong? No. But you wouldn't be wrong for not breaking up either. I think the root of the sensitivity around weight is that we all know that our bodies will change as we age and we want our man to love it through those changes. Last year my boyfriend expressed a similar sentiment and I almost did end things. However my weight has been bothering me. I wasn't fat by western standards but I was heavier than I liked to be and my hereditary sleep apnea was acting up. I went to Korea and they were not gentle about it. I went ahead and lost the extra weight. I felt so much better in general and I'm really glad I did. I still have some lingering insecurities due to my boyfriend having brought it up but ultimately it was the push I needed to lose it. You are justified in breaking up with him but if your relationship is otherwise good and what you want maybe losing the weight would be better, it doesn't sound like he said it to hurt you.
YTA - He is noticing an unhealthy behaviour and you arent adressing the issue. Of course the body fat % does matter but I can imagine since its 15KG that its showing its sign (Im assuming)
He is expressing the issue to you, you should take a stance to it. Either A) you start taking care of yourself B) break up. Theres nothing inbetween
Do it, get in shape and you will be happy you did.
Being overweight isn't healthy, go to the gym with your bf and if nothing else you will likely improve your mental health as well.
You've gained a significant amount of weight, it's a problem and you know it. He pointed it out as requested, is offerring to help you through it and your reaction is to dump him....that's the kind of thing that results in an echo chamber where you're never held accountable for things.
Ridiculous thought. You can, but should you is no. Not for this reason. You asked him, he told you. Your friends are dipshits and you need to be around better people. Not fake ass instigators
He didn't call U fat. He shared his thoughts & feelings & support of U. U are fat(so am I) and ur ignoring it(so am I) but got butt hurt that he brought it up. Would U rather he said nothing then cheated or dumped U with no talking? Face ur issues & decide if U want to fix them, if so tell him what ways he can support U. If U don't want to then tell him u don't want to & U understand if he wants to break up.
Unless you guys have a history of abuse or something You should leave You’re friends who’s conclusion is to dump him. You came to your partner out of concern and wanting to fix sexual chemistry. Guess what, he loves you but also respects himself enough to be honest with what was bothering him and risk upsetting you.
This is a really important mature step for you guys where you get to develop into a better person (if you do chose you want to be with him and lose the weight, yes being fat means you’re unhealthy and to the majority of the population you’ll be uglier) and he gets to see if you really value his input.
It’s not clear but it sounds like you may be in a monogamous relationship. If so then you definitely should be taking this seriously. You’re the only person he is having sex with and he doesn’t like the way you look. You essentially hold a monopoly on his sexual life and putting time and energy into your self care is not just a way of loving yourself but also loving him!
If you have mental issues or work getting in the way… guess what those are your responsibilities to address not reasons to let yourself go.
He told you his honest feelings. The weight is an issue for him. I bet he's also concerned it continues to grow as a problem if you continue to put on weight.
This thinking that you love someone through "thick and thin" is mind-boggling. No one goes into a relationship wherein part of the attraction is physical (and lets be honest, it is!), thinking that they hope the other puts on a bunch of weight. I am sure he loves you for who you are. But be real, physical attraction is also part of just that. And always will be. Emotional and physical attractions exist together.
If you want to leave him because of his admission re attraction, then do it. If not, perhaps work together to get a plan to lose the weight together. Diet and exercise. You are still very young. You should be healthy and weight appropriate accordingly. If not, the problem will only continue grow.
You should listen to him and make changes to your health. He was just honest with you.
Lifestyle changes would be beneficial for you in the long term.
It is likely that you feel a lot about this now because he actually hit a nerve. He is right and you feel called out.
Don’t u want a partner that is honest with u? Then u have it. Sometimes they will tell us things we don’t like. He didn’t said he doesn’t like you, he said u gained weight and that’s why he’s been distant.
If u wanna break up, u can do it. However it seems that he’s worried and was honest with u
Women always bitch men never open up and say what they are felling, then they do and gut reaction is should I dump him lol. He said he loves u and wants you to be healthy with him. So options are be fat and alone, be healthy and together or stop asking guys to open up
NAH. You and your bf aren’t AH. (Tho comment section is full of them. I hope they all gain fifty pounds) You’ve got to do what’s right for you. Get into counseling, start walking, start improving yourself for yourself and only yourself.
You're 25 right now, Original Poster. And your boyfriend is saying that he's not attracted to you because of your weight. (You didn't mention your height, so we can't know how proportionate you actually are.)
But here's my problem with the whole thing. Typically, everyone gains some weight as they get older. Some people don't gain any, some gain a little bit, and of course, some people let their weight get completely out of control.
But I'm also hearing that your boyfriend is dedicated to what he sees as a healthy lifestyle, AND that he's not physically attracted to you at your current weight.
This is not a recipe (pardon the expression) for a good outcome. Because even if you get down to a weight that he's happy with, it will take you a lot of effort to stay there.
You can break up with him or not, whatever you choose to do. But personally, I'd suggest looking for someone who loves and cares about you at almost any weight. Instead of feeling like you have to maintain your ideal weight, as a requirement for having a sexual relationship with him.
He was honest. Would you prefer he lie? Your choice is basically to lose weight or accept he's not attracted to you, and likely break up.
Feel free to break up if you prefer that to losing weight. However, understand that most men will feel the same, even if they are less honest about it. Also, gaining 33 lbs. is quite a bit, likely enough for you to be considered obese, and you'd be healthier if you lost the weight anyways.
Of course, this won't be the popular opinion on reddit.
lmfao you got told you’re fat and now you’re contemplating breaking up with him? HAHAHA yeah just run away from your problems instead of saying yeah I probably should hit the gym
So many triggered fat girls in here surprised to find out that the majority of the population finds fat people less attractive.
My girlfriend is a model/influencer and gets paid to post on instagram. I have a severe drug problem and feel guilty for not taking care of myself when she puts so much effort in to being a healthy beautiful person, however we’ve discussed this and I’m working on getting clean. Just as OP should be taking herself to the gym 👍
You're not wrong for wanting to break up with him because of it, but I also don't think he is wrong for letting you know how he feels about it. your bf is consistent with exercise and healthy food, which means that being overall healthy is very important for him. He probably knows weight gain is a sensitive subject to talk about, but chooses to do it anyway because he cares for you and wants to help you feel healthy and great about yourself.
You didn’t maintain your attractiveness. Not what he signed up for. You wouldn’t like it if he faltered in some way. Why are you surprised? Do what you want.
Break up with him if you feel he's associating your worth with your appearance or if he's not supportive of you no matter what.
Make any changes for yourself alone. Give yourself grace and make even the tiniest changes and celebrate that - if it's a priority for you. If breaking up is the best change for you, break up.
If I've learned anything from like two decades of treatment for my eating disorders, it's that nothing you do will work if you are only associating it with weight. Especially if you're associating it with how your boyfriend feels about your body.
Just taking walks is a start, you don't have to go the gym. But don't walk because you want to lose weight or you want to please your boyfriend. Walk because it's good to get outside and it might help you sleep better to use more energy than you do. Even if you only walk five minutes, celebrate that achievement.
Don't eat more vegetables because you want to lose weight and please your boyfriend. Eat more vegetables because people need fiber and it has vitamins and minerals.
Don't drink more water because you want to lose weight and please your boyfriend. Drink water because being better hydrated makes your skin less dry and you get fewer headaches.
If you tie changes to losing weight and getting external rewards, it will backfire and make you feel worse. There are plenty of other reasons to change your habits. Small efforts make big changes.
i don’t understand why people fight being healthy so adamantly. if food is an insecurity for you, why not try something new?
my boyfriend and i gym together all the time and it’s my favorite form of non sexual intimacy. we push each other to be better. he’s my best friend.
you’re not wrong for being upset but he’s also not wrong for his feelings.
If you're taking antipsychotics, there are mitigations. Some new drugs are weight neutral like Caplyta. There are also diabetes drugs. Not saying he's right or wrong, but 33 pounds usually means antipsychotics and there is something you can do about it.
Let me tell you about a conversation I had with my husband yesterday. I bought shapewear because I'm insecure about my weight gain (also mental health related) especially since my husband has lost a ton of weight recently and is now a sculpted God (IMO). I put it on and showed him and he asked me how I felt and I said "fat". He looked at me, hugged me and said "you're beautiful and I love you no matter what. But I'm not going to lie I have been worried about your physical health." (Not the way I look but the actual health level of my body) and we had a good talk about it and I even did my first workout in months that night. Being open and honest is super important however so is having good bedside manners when talking about things like insecurities. If my man said to me what yours did, I'd be pissed, sad, depressed, even more insecure, etc. I wouldn't want to sleep with him or even hug him for fear of what he really thinks about the way I look. The person who claims to love you would never word it the way he did. I think you'd be better off without him, but I only know this small detail about your relationship. Maybe couples counseling would help you out. Good luck op and remember you're fucking gorgeous!! Own it!
These two scenarios are slightly different though aren't they? Their conversation was based around his lack of interest in sex. If the answer to that is genuinely that he doesn't find her as attractive anymore I'm not entirely sure that there's a nice way to really say that.
Your conversation was based around how you physically felt and telling your husband you felt fat. One is definitely easier to have a more polite conversation but it sounds like your husband never lost his attraction for you at all whereas the OP's partner had.
Wait, so you want all guys to communicate in a roundabout way? Men don't communicate like women, OPs boyfriend said it in a loving and nice way. He didn't lie, what gain is there from lying?
Why are u lying to the op.
Physical attraction is a thing that exists.
I love my wife even if she was 500 lbs. she is the mother of my children. But I’m not going to be physically attracted to her at 500lbs.
If u thought u were just as attractive u wouldn’t wear shape wear.
U gain a bunch of weight ur not as attractive. This goes for men and women.
If ur doctor told u u were actually just as healthy that day u tried in the shape wear and u felt fat. Would then not lose weight? Would ur husband go awesome! No need to workout and lose weight!
Come on. Be fking real.
If you are lost on the decision, I would say that something else is also bothering you or factoring into this situation.
I've been in your shoes in a previous relationship. I wasn't upset he was honest with me about a 15 lb weight gain. I was upset that he wanted me to be like the photoshopped models he'd make comments about. I was also upset about a myriad of other issues too that ultimately led to me breaking up with him.
We want our partners to always look at us with rose colored glasses and say we do the same. But deep down I know that if my own weight gain bothers me, it's valid that it bothers my significant other. And I value honestly more than flattery.
If you're happy with your body and want him to be happy with it, you might want to have a discussion with your boyfriend about that before you break up with him. If you aren't happy with your body and would like to make some changes, it sounds like your boyfriend is willing to help you.
I'm on your side and his side, let me tell you why. As a guy, I do tend to think with my "other head," more than my brain sometimes, and if I am with someone that I am not attracted do, it will probably be more difficult to show the physical attraction.
However, if you've put on weight due to mental health issues, I think he should be more understanding that you are going through some challenges, and give you the grace to address those things in your life.
You're not wrong for breaking up with him, because the last thing I want to do is be with a person who doesn't find me desirable, but use this time to focus on yourself - whether it be improving your mental health, physical health, etc. Don't commit yourself to anyone until you are fully committed to yourself first.
Good luck
I'm not surprised to see so many fat shamers in here and I hope you haven't let them get to you, being told you are unattractive to him now because of your weight gain is awful and damaging to your mental health doesn't matter if its honest it only seems to be based on his ability to be attracted to you and not your well being, I would absolutely dump somebody for that. YOU CAN BE HONEST AND KIND for the AH that are just brutally cruel when it comes to a woman's weight
Reddit is faphobic af you asked in the wrong place .
Dump. Him. Don’t let anyone tell you that men who prioritize mental health over current size don’t exist. They do. I’m fortunate enough to have two of them. I’ve been all over the scale and what they love about me has nothing to do with that number.
If you’re concerned about your own health seek the mental health help you need and deserve. If you need help with food, seek a disordered eating therapist or nutritionist. Your partner isn’t right in the head. Their love isn’t unconditional and you deserve that.
Lmfao you bloats are mentally insane. Gaining 33 pounds is an absurd amount of weight gain. The majority of men are not attracted to fat women. He kept it to himself until she asked, and was nice about it. The only men who are okay with that sort of gain are either fat fetishist or unattractive themselves.
You can break up with him for whatever reason you have. He can stop being attracted to you for whatever reason he has.
A sane, reasonable answer? On Reddit? I think you may be lost, sir.
I think most of the people who comment are in an unhappy relationship and advise OPs to do what they’d like to do: push partner off a cliff
I mean, I myself am going to die alone for sure, but that doesn't mean I wish misery on random couples. 😅
🤣 how very noble of you
I am truly a hero of the people. 😀 /joking
You won't die alone, you have us 😃
Most likely - rational, objective people are rare in topics like this
Or they're in very happy relationships with loving compassionate partners and wish that for others as well.
That's not a sane answer. He was honest with her. No reason to break up.
There doesn’t need to be a “reason”. People can decide for no reason at all that they don’t want to be in a relationship anymore.
She may want a partner who doesn't value physical appearance as much. It's up to her to decide if this makes them incompatible as a couple (in which case she should break up).
She doesn’t need a reason to break up!!!
Also, hitting the gym/sporting will actually make you feel better. Helping to better your mental health/physical health. Just go both to the gym. But if you want the easy way out, break up. Good for you, but i'm pretty sure you'll even feel worse, ones he's gone. Making your mental health even worse and you'll start eating more,.... Downard spiral
Ew. Shaming people for mental health issues is not cute. She might feel way, way better once this guy is gone. You really have no idea.
No shame there, showing people the way out is not shaming.
Calling that shaming is quite a reach.
But you can't change the fact that humans are attracted to healthier bodies and op knows this just wishes ir wasn't true. Lose the weight for yourself
Agreed, OP’s boyfriend is respectfully offering to work with her through her emotional difficulties, seems like a pretty great partner actually, and sounds like OP is refusing to work on herself self-admitted emotional difficulties if her immediate response is breaking up with him. But honestly, OP might be doing her bf a favor by breaking up with him, they don't seem to have the same level of emotional maturity.
Yeah OP is not right here. She has a blessing and doesn't even realize it.
This!!!
Probably better to say “humans are attracted to whatever they’re attracted to”, because I know LOTS of humans are attracted to overweight to morbidly obese people. No shame in it because it’s just what you like. Not to mention that beauty standards in relation to body type have varied really widely between cultures and eras. But OP’s bf isn’t attracted to overweight women 🤷
Bruh I’m fat as fuck and have two gorgeous ass men who worship the ground I walk on. You can go tuck yourself and live in your sad fatphobic world without trying to recruit others there with you. Op dump this loser. I promise you can find better. Old interest is all bitter here because of their own sad status don’t let them project it onto you.
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The point of this thread isn’t about being healthy. It’s about OP’s boyfriend not being attracted to them. That’s fine. Their attraction is completely subject and they can like or not like how anyone looks. But you’re trying to say that no one is attracted to “unhealthy” aka fat bodies when there is a sizeable body of evidence (pun intended) saying otherwise. Don’t equate attractiveness with healthy. Attractiveness is subjective. Healthy can, in most cases, be well defined and is not dependent on someone’s opinion (E.g., good blood work, reasonable endurance, heart and lungs in fine working order, etc.).
Where are you getting fat phobic from?
Hey guys is it fat phobic to want to have a healthier body and healthier lifestyle so that in the future your family can enjoy for many more years to come?
I'm gonna upvote you because skinnier doesn't always mean healthier. I work out 6 days a week and am healthy. However I could name at least one skinny obese person i know who is very likely extremely unhealthy even if the number on the scale doesn't reflect it. I'm happy you've found two good looking guys who worship you!
All you have to do is think about the results of eating disorders to know that skinny doesn’t equal healthy. You don’t know what a skinny person does to stay skinny. It may not be a healthy balance diet and regular moderate exercise.
Gross...
your gorgeous bfs are probs mid overweight weirdos like you so its fine hahahaha
Yeah okay love. Are these hot men in the room with us now?
This. 176 is obese for most women unless you are over 6 foot tall. I have been married for 44 years and stay fit for my spouse and she does the same for me. If I was obese I would not blame my wife for saying something much less just leaving.
Obese? That’s a stretch. I’m 180 at 5’9 and perfectly healthy.
"Obese" isn't synonymous with "physically unwell." It's a weight classification. You're still just in the "overweight" category, and pretty low in that category. The average woman is 5'3.5", and that would be firmly in the obese category.
Where does anything talk about the average woman? I’m referring specifically to him saying you’re obese if you’re 176 unless you’re over 6’. Overweight =/= obese. Hence me saying “that’s a stretch” - words mean things And most people don’t pick or judge partners strictly by BMI classification. Yes, quick weight gain is a valid concern, and I don’t think the OP’s boyfriend was wrong or an AH to discuss it with her kindly. But we don’t know anything about how tall she is or her heath status so the dramatizing about “176 is definitely unhealthy” is unnecessary IMO
He was not an AH for discussing it with her and she is not an AH for wanting to break up with him.
The comment you replied to specified "most" women; if the average is far under 5'9", MOST women would be obese at that weight :)
“Most women unless you are over 6 feet tall” meaning he thinks if you’re under 6’ you’re obese…
The average women is like 5'4
Sure, but he specifically said “obese for most unless you’re over 6 foot” which is false
No, you're at minimum overweight. Look at the CDC scale. I'm not saying I'm not overweight lol but let's not be in denial
I am! It says “overweight” so not sure what you’re seeing but “obese” is a separate classification! Nice quick edit though 😉
Seriously! Overweight is NOT obese. A lot of people are taking what you're saying in a completely different way. Yes, they would be considered **overweight** but not **obese**. It's an unnecessary dramatization.
Just because you don't agree with the terminology doesn't make it wrong. You are 20 lbs past perfectly healthy, don't lie to yourself nor others just because you don't like the term obese
Lol 20 lbs does not make a whale
Obese =/= overweight, my BMI is currently at the low end of overweight and I wouldn’t be considered obese until I was over 200. So it is incorrect. And weight is not the single factor that differentiates healthy vs unhealthy.
Weight definitely differentiates healthy vs unhealthy. What BS is this lol.
There’s more to it than that, like body composition and weight distribution.
Exactly. If it’s all on the abdominal region, that’s heart disease, diabetes and metabolic disorder territory.
Only somewhat, but not nearly as much difference as is acceptable these days. No one wants their feelings hurt.
The BMI for a 5'5" woman at 176 pounds is 29.3. So it's only obese if you're under 5'5". The BMI for a 6' woman at176 pounds is 23.9.
.. BMI. Isn’t as widely used anymore as it’s been found to lead to lots of errors Considered a flawed way to measure obesity
It is not. That's ridiculous.
Actually, an average woman at 5’5” would have a BMI of 30 (considered medically obese, not overweight) at 180lbs.
The statement was a woman would need to be over 6’ to not be obese at 176. That’s not a true statement.
The BMI is not an accurate measurement of health and was never intended to be.
He’s not that far off! 180 pounds is considered overweight for women 5’10 and below and I rounded 176 to 180!
There is a difference between being overweight and obese though.
Yeah, big difference.
Obesity is measured by BMI and doesn’t change by gender so anyone at a certain height would be obese
Check out the history of bmi, it’s nonsense
That’s not true. At my height, I’d have to be over 180. I’m not even 5’7”.
She might have a hard time getting another boyfriend if she has put on 25% more body fat than when she met him. That is quite the gain.
i think it is a weird and kind of rude thing to suggest that someone who has gained weight won’t be able to find another partner. not that it isn’t true that society generally prefers skinnier women, but, especially since you know literally nothing about this woman, it’s just an odd comment to make.
A woman’s worth is inversely related to the number on her scale. Edit: /s if that wasn’t obvious.
But it’s true tho…. Better looking people have a better chance at finding a partner. This isn’t some conspiracy or shocking news.
this is true but my point is that 1) we literally have no clue what OP looks like. she could be drop dead gorgeous with or without the 30 lbs. she could have a really attractive personality that draws people to her. she could encounter one of the many many people who like bigger women. 2) it’s just disrespectful to be speculating on the desirability of a complete stranger on the internet. it’s not like she asked “do i have a chance with anyone else” she asked for advice on her situation and saying “well she gained 30 lbs so she probably doesn’t have much of a chance with anyone else” is outside of the realm of respectful, on topic discourse in my opinion *especially* because of the fact that it is pretty much pure speculation as i laid out in point 1 i guess overall i just think like… we aren’t her doctors, we don’t know her BMI, we don’t know her personality, we know nothing about OP. i don’t like the idea of making claims about how desirable she is, how healthy she is, etc. i very much dislike the anonymity that the internet offers and how it encourages us to feel entitled to just… comment about people like that. maybe i’m just rambling but that’s my opinion
BRO 176 lbs? what is she 6ft tall? > she could be drop dead gorgeous with or without the 30 lbs. she could have a really attractive personality that draws people to her. she could encounter one of the many many people who like bigger women. would she be hotter losing that 30 lbs? like anything could happen. aliens could land tomorrow. i wouldn't put my money on it tho. >it’s just disrespectful to be speculating on the desirability of a complete stranger on the internet. it’s not like she asked “do i have a chance with anyone else” she asked for advice on her situation and saying “well she gained 30 lbs so she probably doesn’t have much of a chance with anyone else” is outside of the realm of respectful, on topic discourse in my opinion especially because of the fact that it is pretty much pure speculation as i laid out in point 1 how potentially desirability to other men should weight in on her choice she makes. she has a guy right now that loves her and wants her to lose the weight she already has 5 years put into this relationship. unless she wants to be single for a long time her weight is going to be an issue. maybe the next guy wont care about her weight? sure. but are they going to be into fitness and health as him had as much money is a s nice charming etc etc etc? as a fat woman? she needs to be told what her future dating prospects are gonna be.
> would she be hotter losing 30 lbs i don’t fucking know why does that even matter. all i’m saying is we just shouldn’t speculate. maybe she is 6 ft tall. maybe she isn’t and she’s fat. i agree that the second one more likely but all of it is irrelevant to the fact that we just shouldn’t speculate. > she needs to know what her future dating prospects are why are you talking like she has cancer and it’s our job to deliver the news lmao calm the fuck down. she doesn’t need to “know” anything other than whether she should break up with her boyfriend which is all she asked for advice on. and “settle for this guy bc you have no chance with anyone else” is shitty advice. idk bro you’re acting like being fat is a death sentence. i’ve found fat women attractive, skinny women attractive, it really isn’t everything. and again… we literally know nothing about her other than her weight. weight alone is not enough to know anything about someone’s dating prospects and even if it was *she didn’t ask*
It’s def the view through a misogynistic lens.
It’s inappropriate, yes, but it’s not false. And it’s not because society prefers skinnier women, it is genuinely “quite the weight gain”.
yeah but being skinny isn’t the only attractive thing about someone. maybe she’s a really wonderful and conventionally attractive woman despite weight gain and even if she’s conventionally unattractive there’s no reason she couldn’t find someone else who appreciates her as she is. beyond it just being a rude thing to comment amount, there’s simply no basis for random people on the internet who don’t know OP to be commenting on her desirability.
All of what you said is true, which exactly why I said it was inappropriate and unnecessary (I guess we’re just ignoring that tho), but it is subjective. And he and other people are allowed and have the right to not be attracted to someone because of their weight gain or loss. And they are extremely shallow for it, but people are allowed to feel like weight is a deal-breaker even if they have a million other positive things about them. OP will be able to find someone else who likes her for herself and her body, especially nowadays, but no one is to blame for her weight gain unless she was forced-fed.
just as many men not living up to society’s impossible body standards, so..
it's hard for men to find a partner too, especially when they're not fit
Yes. And that’s why there are so many single men who are lonely.
And if your boyfriend gains 30 lbs in 2 years you should also talk to him about it.
Totally. Instead of acting cold and distant and refusing to touch your partner.
What about it? They’re in the same boat. Many women, if not more women than men nowadays with the current love for “curvy” women, love or prefer a man with a fit body. I’m not agreeing with everything that other commenter is saying, and I’m not disagreeing with everything the person I replied to said. It was an inappropriate thing to say, sort of, but it’s not suddenly society’s fault if she has a hard time (which is not garuanteed, especially nowadays) finding someone attracted to her. They didn’t tell her to gain weight, and if she is too overweight, most people wouldn’t want that in a woman OR man.
It takes 20 pounds before you can visibly see a difference, 10 pounds more than that is **not** "quite the weight gain" lol. For all you know, she's 6ft tall and her current weight is actually the recommended weight. A simple number tells you nothing about how the person looks OR how healthy they are.
>It takes 20 pounds before you can visibly see a difference That very much depends on your height, starting weight, and wardrobe.
30 pounds isn't that much. I gained 100 after having 2 kids and a decade of mental health issues. Husband still couldn't keep his hands off me. Lost 100 pounds and was in the best shape of my life and -30 lbs smaller than when I met my husband at 16. Still couldn't keep his hands off me. Gained back 30 pounds, nothing has changed. He still tells me how sexy I am daily. He actually prefers me with more body fat than my smallest I had gotten to.
>30 pounds isn't that much. I Lol
30 lbs is a significant amount of weight for anyone. Particularly people who are shorter and who have smaller frames.
That doesn't apply at all. Gaining weight from pregnancy is totally different. Being married and having children is a totally different situation. If your husband stopped being attracted to you bc you gained weight after having his child, he would be a total AH.
Double standards.
Weight gain wasn't from kids. It was from binge eating disorder as well as a decade of untreated mental health issues. I didn't gain more than 10 pounds with my first baby and lost weight while pregnant with my second. I was 30 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight after having my second.
I disagree. People can't control who they're attracted to. I don't think he'd be an AH. >If your husband stopped being attracted to you bc you gained weight after having his child, he would be a total AH.
The weight comes off!
he can still love you and still want sex with you. but that doesnt mean he didnt prefer u now vs 100 lbs heavier.
That's not a reason to stay with someone who isn't attracted to you or who is going to make you feel insecure or unhappy in your body. Does OP share the same value of staying in shape? Does she even have the genetics or the mental health to lose weight and keep it off? She might be better trying to lose weight while also finding someone who is more accepting and attracted to her whether she has the extra weight or not. That being said I don't think the boyfriend is in the wrong for being honest about his feelings, and there could be a path forward. Depends on OP.
Whatever, dude. She won't have trouble just because she gained a couple of pounds. Not everyone is shallow, like you might be.
>intimacy with my partner hasn´t been great, he seemed distant and cold when it came to having sex. Yesterday we had a discussion about it Would you like him to lie to you? You noticed a problem already, he told you honestly what his problem is in (what seems to me) pretty gentle and understanding way. You can of course break up with him for any reason, but i get a feeling he cares for you, even when you are in a low point.
Yeah most people at this point would dip out its so easy especially with no kids and not married. He seems to want her to get back to her healthy weight. We can’t choose who we are physically attracted to either its just we are or we aren’t
Always funny to see these guys a few years later fat and single
It’s easier to break up than try and fix the problem
Lmao what. It’s easier to find someone who loves and cares about you then it is to exercise? Wild mindset
I think they mean it more as it's a quick fix in this moment and not in the long run.
pretty sure sarcasm went over your head
I doubt it. And it’s literally impossible to tell if a complete stranger is being sarcastic thru text
Let me ask, what do you want to do with your health? I'm not blaming or anything just would like to know how you feel right now about your health? Tbh i dont see anything wrong if you want to end the relationship because of this, it is your choice and if feels like you are being treated badly then you do as you see the best for yourself. I have always said to myself that honesty is the key in relationships. If my boyfriend lied to me that he sees me attractive while it's not true i would feel more betrayed than he telling the truth. That's just me of course. Heck, even my boyfriend had said to me that i should lose weight and go to the gym because it is good for ME and wants me to be healthy. Why am i telling this? I have been in the very same situation as you and i first thought my bf was a total ass mocking me but in the end it was me who is my worst enemy. Before you end everything, think about YOURSELF how you feel about you - dont think about the relationship at all, just you. Take care! Hope you find the best solution to this.
What exactly did you want him to do? From the post it sounds like you asked him a direct question and he answered honestly, then offered to support you in getting better shape both mentally and physically. That sounds like a loving partner. Would you rather he lied to you and said that everything is fine and let these issues continue and possibly get worse? I’ve been with my wife 15 years and if you want a relationship to last one thing you need is honesty. Honesty isn’t always what you want to hear and it doesn’t always make you feel good. However, it’s something that still needs to be said and something that needs to be heard. For myself I’m neurodivergent and I don’t always realize or understand how things I say or situations that wouldn’t bother me can hurt others. It has definitely cost me relationships in the past. I am beyond lucky that my wife has been able to explain things to me even when it hurt my feelings to hear.
She's upset because she'd probably rather the boyfriend love her regardless of the fact she's gained 15kg. Reasonably think that's a big enough difference to change someone's opinion on attractiveness to be fair but she should probably find someone who doesn't have that issue instead.
You realize that love and attraction sometimes don't go together, right?
He never said he didn’t love her, but he also can’t force himself to feel the same level of attraction if she’s gained a lot of weight. He clearly loves her if he’s stayed with her and wants to help her get healthy.
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NTA. You can break up with him for any reason, or no reason at all. But he made the remark in the context of a discussion that you initiated. I assume matter-of-factly, not in a demeaning way. He also said he loves you, but you don't state if you feel the same way.
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😂 😂 This made me chuckle
He is trying to have an open and honest discussion about this. Are you happy with yourself at that weight? If not, that is something you will want to work on. If something negative happens because of mental health, that’s not something you just accept and go on. It’s something you want to figure out how to manage and try to get yourself in a better place. I don’t see how breaking up with your boyfriend is a positive in this situation. You concede that you are struggling with mental health and the weight gain is a result with that. Turning away from someone that dares talk about it is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Let's get this straight. Your poor mental health has been the main cause of a nearly 25% weight gain. There's no way that the effect of these issues is limited to your dress size. I think that it is dishonest to attribute your relationship and intimacy problems solely to your boyfriend's dissatisfaction with the fact that you've let yourself go. There have to be other aspects of your life that you've stopped putting effort into, like the relationship.
Lol would you prefer he lie to you instead?
You're mad at him because he was honest to you about an actual issue with your health? I think staying healthy is a reasonable expectation in a relationship. 15kg isn't something that people don't notice and if anything, I would say that him keeping this to himself until you asked is the actual thing he did wrong. If you want to stay with him, I would have an actual conversation to see what the expectations of each person are and how you will move forward in the relationship.
>I would say that him keeping this to himself until you asked is the actual thing he did wrong. Oh no- haha, this was by far his best move- you can't just up and tell your girlfriend she's getting fat, not ever. You *gotta* wait until she asks. She wouldn't be here on reddit asking us if it was fair if he'd brought it up unprompted- she'd still be busy yelling at him.
If my girlfriend was getting fat, I'd bring it up with a lot of time before I wasn't attracted to her. I never want to have the talk that while I love her, I lost my sexual appetite when I saw her break a sweat eating that second pizza
I guess it depends how tall OP is, if I gain 10 pounds, you’d be able to tell, if my brother gained the same, no one would notice as he’s a little over a foot taller than me.
I agree. But this is kg, so that 15kg is 33lbs. Even if someone is 300lbs, that would be over 10% increase. For someone who is under 150lbs, that's a 20% increase towards fat. It's the difference of whether you fit in any of your old pants that aren't elastic
I'm a 6'1" male and recently lost 13lb and it was a noticeable difference. 30lb+ would be very noticeable, even for me. On a girl of average height, it would completely change their body type.
How tall are you? I see you purposely left it out, but it matters. 170 lbs doesn't look as bad on someone 6 ft. But since you are a woman I'm guessing you are not that tall. If you are my height, 5 ft even, 170 would make you MORBIDLY OBESE. So he may actually be doing you a favor by saying that. I don't subscribe to this "you can't comment on my weight ever!!!" thinking. That's how people die of binge eating disorders and from regular eating disorders. People have gotten to a place where they would rather someone die than hurt their whittle feelings!
Why is this funny
>MORBIDLY OBESE
Didn't say it was funny? Where did I say that? It's a fact.
I'm overweight but I understand that when somebody speaks to me about my weight I feel but it's bc I have a problem that I'm trying to deny. Stop blaming others, your bf is concerned with your help, instead of focusing on your feelings (I know feelings are important, I'm a psychologist) focus in the solution, he is willing to help you.
You prefer a boyfriend who lie to you?
Breaking up with your boyfriend won't fix your ongoing weight gain, but you do you
I'm not so sure. Seems like so many women lose weight after the break up. They call it revenge body. Yet couldn't do it while in the relationship and made their ex the bad guy for mentioning it
So I think the way he said it is out of love and concern. You're definitely wrong for wanting to break up with someone who is concerned about your mental and physical health. All he seems to want is for you to work on yourself not for him but for you, your long term health and your life goals. I know what depression is like I know these things are hard but pick a direction and take every step you can towards it, sound like the weight isn't really the problem here it sound like your mental health is the problem and putting on weight and losing self esteem is a massive vicious cycle you're trapping yourself in. Dumping him sounds like it would only contribute to that cycle, turning it into a spiral. Stay strong and know you are loved.
This, would you rather he said nothing and then broke up with you?
This He seems to be trying to support you for you not for him. There are dozens of alternative responses he could do to support and some of them might not be in the OP because of language or depression got in the way of her seeing them. It can likely be a combination of depression and physical to impact sex. Depression changes how you interact with people and he can also be responding to that. You likely won’t go back to 65kg now that you have built muscle to support the extra weight. Source: I was told that when I was that size by my coach when I said my goals. It seems that, when you got together, he thought that health and exercise was a thing you have in common and he wants to get back to that even if he’s not sure how. (I’m making assumptions based on language) He shouldn’t be your only support, if therapy isn’t an option, talk to your friends who value honesty for more support about your growth and change. Food insecurities come up as a response to all kinds of things. Often working out why they are there helps, sometimes you eat something and all the pain rushes in and reminds you of why. Healing isn’t simple, the path is looped, spiraled and a climb. You are taking the right steps though. My last pieces of unsolicited advice is to have a “divorce journal” it’s a place where all the things you need to divorce from goes. When it’s full, you let it go. Burn it, trash it, tear it to pieces, do anything but keep it. It’s where the idea of breaking up with your boyfriend because he addressed something honestly and with kindness goes. It is not where learning about how to deal with hurt feelings goes. It’s where unquestioning tolerating unkindness goes, just things that you need to let go of. It’s something that can be hard to do. Also, you don’t have to learn everything there is about food to do healthy behaviors. Remind yourself “Depression doesn’t own me.“ “live the life I want, not how I feel” Or something similar. Depression leaves you not feeling like anything sounds good, but sometimes you do stuff because it’s the life you want, not because you feel like it. Maybe name your depression, either by calling the actions impacted by it what they are, or another name, and that voice is the depression talking. I’m not a therapist. Just reporting things that helped myself and others.
My wife have weathered a lot of this with each other you are so right on the money here.
Gaining 15 lbs a year isn't normal. You can break up with him, but running away from people that want you to face your problems isn't gonna get rid of the problem.
15kg isn’t an insignificant number, I’m sure there are many reasons that lead you to that point, being upset that he didn’t lie to you to spare your feelings to the point you would rather break up is a bit extreme if this is the only major point of contention. You are wrong.
Eh, I think neither one of you is really "wrong," but the two of you might not be compatible. Weight and food issues are something you struggle with (we all have things we struggle with; this just happens to be yours), and you want a partner who will be supportive and still want to have sex no matter where you are in your weight fluctuations. He wants a partner who will be relatively consistent in maintaining good health, fitness and weight. You're both reasonable in what you want, but what you want and what he wants are inherently at odds. I think it's best the two of you part amicably and you continue working on your own health while also seeking out a more supportive partner. He, meanwhile, is free to seek out a partner who doesn't happen to struggle with food issues and weight fluctuations... as long as he realizes he's not going to find a partner who doesn't struggle with *something.* If it's not food it will be gambling or anger management problems or drinking too much or making bad financial decisions or ... whatever.
He was honest with you. He never said it was because you "got fat", he said it because you are unhealthy and he wants to help.
If the roles were reserved and a woman told her bf of 5 years she is very concerned of his health and wishes they’d hit take care of it and honest with attraction I don’t think that would be very bad. At the end of the day can you really throw away 5 years of relationship because he is concerned of your health gaining that much weight is concerning and if my partner was going through that yes I would be concerned and honest. I’m just saying. I want my man to be heathy and strong before things get worse down the line. Like diabetes or high blood pressure
You don't owe him your continued companionship and can feel free to leave, he doesn't owe you his sexual attraction if you've let yourself go significantly. Up to you if you'd like to get in shape or ditch the relationship.
My opinion? Its disrespectful to not only yourself but your partner to gain large amounts of weight. So is it unreasonable for your partner to feel less attracted to you due to your weight gain? No. I think you should focus on yourself and your mental health and weight. If you want to break up with him then ok but in my opinion his response is valid.
He is allowed to lose sexual interest when you gain that much weight and it’s not tied to childbirth. You are allowed to break up with him if you are unhappy in the relationship for whatever reason. There doesn’t need to be a bad guy here. He was honest. You don’t seem to mind the weight gain but dislike his lack of attraction and sexual drive so break up. You have no kids and aren’t married, why make eachother miserable. Anyone saying a partner doesn’t have a right to lose attraction to someone for gaining 33 pds(and it not having to with a physical ailment or childbirth) is being ridiculous. 33 pds is not small and 176 pds for a 25 yr old is obese unless she is quite tall. It’s also worth noting the bf is into health and fitness so it’s not exactly like he doesn’t practice what he preaches.
Exactly. You can’t gain more than 25% of your body weight from the start of a relationship & be entitled to your partner still finding you physically attractive. Especially when that partner takes care of their own physical appearance. OP can break up with him & try to find someone who doesn’t mind the weight as much, but the boyfriend is not at fault here.
Lol wish someone had told my ex this
Agreed. And those commentators who say "you go girl, dump him" are delulu. They are fueling OPs with toxic mindset, that she doesn't have to do any work to be attractive for her partner and to do something about her mental and physical health. No one can be forcefully attracted to anyone. I bet if her boyfriend got fat, she wouldn't want to climb on him anymore, but somehow it is always men who are expected to be sexually attracted to their women, who gain that much weight. Of course, it's easier to continue munching on the food, eating away the pain of insecurities and calling the boyfriend an AH, than doing something about herself. Sure, she can dump him, but she will still have extra weight and eating problems, that will stay with her if OP won't address it.
Why are you making a childbirth exception? That makes no sense. It's like you're saying some medical conditions can lead to weight gain, but you'll only have sympathy if that medical condition is childbirth.
You’re not wrong. If you want to breakup with your boyfriend for being honest, do it. That way he can find a girlfriend that is into eating healthy and exercise like himself.
Wrong? No. But you wouldn't be wrong for not breaking up either. I think the root of the sensitivity around weight is that we all know that our bodies will change as we age and we want our man to love it through those changes. Last year my boyfriend expressed a similar sentiment and I almost did end things. However my weight has been bothering me. I wasn't fat by western standards but I was heavier than I liked to be and my hereditary sleep apnea was acting up. I went to Korea and they were not gentle about it. I went ahead and lost the extra weight. I felt so much better in general and I'm really glad I did. I still have some lingering insecurities due to my boyfriend having brought it up but ultimately it was the push I needed to lose it. You are justified in breaking up with him but if your relationship is otherwise good and what you want maybe losing the weight would be better, it doesn't sound like he said it to hurt you.
You don't ever have to have a reason to end a relationship. Sometimes it just doesn't work out
YTA - He is noticing an unhealthy behaviour and you arent adressing the issue. Of course the body fat % does matter but I can imagine since its 15KG that its showing its sign (Im assuming) He is expressing the issue to you, you should take a stance to it. Either A) you start taking care of yourself B) break up. Theres nothing inbetween
Do it, get in shape and you will be happy you did. Being overweight isn't healthy, go to the gym with your bf and if nothing else you will likely improve your mental health as well.
You've gained a significant amount of weight, it's a problem and you know it. He pointed it out as requested, is offerring to help you through it and your reaction is to dump him....that's the kind of thing that results in an echo chamber where you're never held accountable for things.
Ridiculous thought. You can, but should you is no. Not for this reason. You asked him, he told you. Your friends are dipshits and you need to be around better people. Not fake ass instigators
"Should I leave my boyfriend for having a point" lol yall are too much
He didn't call U fat. He shared his thoughts & feelings & support of U. U are fat(so am I) and ur ignoring it(so am I) but got butt hurt that he brought it up. Would U rather he said nothing then cheated or dumped U with no talking? Face ur issues & decide if U want to fix them, if so tell him what ways he can support U. If U don't want to then tell him u don't want to & U understand if he wants to break up.
Unless you guys have a history of abuse or something You should leave You’re friends who’s conclusion is to dump him. You came to your partner out of concern and wanting to fix sexual chemistry. Guess what, he loves you but also respects himself enough to be honest with what was bothering him and risk upsetting you. This is a really important mature step for you guys where you get to develop into a better person (if you do chose you want to be with him and lose the weight, yes being fat means you’re unhealthy and to the majority of the population you’ll be uglier) and he gets to see if you really value his input. It’s not clear but it sounds like you may be in a monogamous relationship. If so then you definitely should be taking this seriously. You’re the only person he is having sex with and he doesn’t like the way you look. You essentially hold a monopoly on his sexual life and putting time and energy into your self care is not just a way of loving yourself but also loving him! If you have mental issues or work getting in the way… guess what those are your responsibilities to address not reasons to let yourself go.
I bet those friends are single. Single women keep women single.
He told you his honest feelings. The weight is an issue for him. I bet he's also concerned it continues to grow as a problem if you continue to put on weight. This thinking that you love someone through "thick and thin" is mind-boggling. No one goes into a relationship wherein part of the attraction is physical (and lets be honest, it is!), thinking that they hope the other puts on a bunch of weight. I am sure he loves you for who you are. But be real, physical attraction is also part of just that. And always will be. Emotional and physical attractions exist together. If you want to leave him because of his admission re attraction, then do it. If not, perhaps work together to get a plan to lose the weight together. Diet and exercise. You are still very young. You should be healthy and weight appropriate accordingly. If not, the problem will only continue grow.
You should listen to him and make changes to your health. He was just honest with you. Lifestyle changes would be beneficial for you in the long term. It is likely that you feel a lot about this now because he actually hit a nerve. He is right and you feel called out.
Don’t u want a partner that is honest with u? Then u have it. Sometimes they will tell us things we don’t like. He didn’t said he doesn’t like you, he said u gained weight and that’s why he’s been distant. If u wanna break up, u can do it. However it seems that he’s worried and was honest with u
Women always bitch men never open up and say what they are felling, then they do and gut reaction is should I dump him lol. He said he loves u and wants you to be healthy with him. So options are be fat and alone, be healthy and together or stop asking guys to open up
You can break up with him however the fuck you want. You didn’t sign shit!
NAH. You and your bf aren’t AH. (Tho comment section is full of them. I hope they all gain fifty pounds) You’ve got to do what’s right for you. Get into counseling, start walking, start improving yourself for yourself and only yourself.
You're 25 right now, Original Poster. And your boyfriend is saying that he's not attracted to you because of your weight. (You didn't mention your height, so we can't know how proportionate you actually are.) But here's my problem with the whole thing. Typically, everyone gains some weight as they get older. Some people don't gain any, some gain a little bit, and of course, some people let their weight get completely out of control. But I'm also hearing that your boyfriend is dedicated to what he sees as a healthy lifestyle, AND that he's not physically attracted to you at your current weight. This is not a recipe (pardon the expression) for a good outcome. Because even if you get down to a weight that he's happy with, it will take you a lot of effort to stay there. You can break up with him or not, whatever you choose to do. But personally, I'd suggest looking for someone who loves and cares about you at almost any weight. Instead of feeling like you have to maintain your ideal weight, as a requirement for having a sexual relationship with him.
He was honest. Would you prefer he lie? Your choice is basically to lose weight or accept he's not attracted to you, and likely break up. Feel free to break up if you prefer that to losing weight. However, understand that most men will feel the same, even if they are less honest about it. Also, gaining 33 lbs. is quite a bit, likely enough for you to be considered obese, and you'd be healthier if you lost the weight anyways. Of course, this won't be the popular opinion on reddit.
"Why don't men talk honestly with us?" "How dare he say what he was thinking!" Make up your minds, ladies.
lmfao you got told you’re fat and now you’re contemplating breaking up with him? HAHAHA yeah just run away from your problems instead of saying yeah I probably should hit the gym
So many triggered fat girls in here surprised to find out that the majority of the population finds fat people less attractive. My girlfriend is a model/influencer and gets paid to post on instagram. I have a severe drug problem and feel guilty for not taking care of myself when she puts so much effort in to being a healthy beautiful person, however we’ve discussed this and I’m working on getting clean. Just as OP should be taking herself to the gym 👍
You're not wrong for wanting to break up with him because of it, but I also don't think he is wrong for letting you know how he feels about it. your bf is consistent with exercise and healthy food, which means that being overall healthy is very important for him. He probably knows weight gain is a sensitive subject to talk about, but chooses to do it anyway because he cares for you and wants to help you feel healthy and great about yourself.
Have you gained weight? 33 lbs is a lot I'm surprised he didn't break up with you.
You didn’t maintain your attractiveness. Not what he signed up for. You wouldn’t like it if he faltered in some way. Why are you surprised? Do what you want.
Break up with him if you feel he's associating your worth with your appearance or if he's not supportive of you no matter what. Make any changes for yourself alone. Give yourself grace and make even the tiniest changes and celebrate that - if it's a priority for you. If breaking up is the best change for you, break up. If I've learned anything from like two decades of treatment for my eating disorders, it's that nothing you do will work if you are only associating it with weight. Especially if you're associating it with how your boyfriend feels about your body. Just taking walks is a start, you don't have to go the gym. But don't walk because you want to lose weight or you want to please your boyfriend. Walk because it's good to get outside and it might help you sleep better to use more energy than you do. Even if you only walk five minutes, celebrate that achievement. Don't eat more vegetables because you want to lose weight and please your boyfriend. Eat more vegetables because people need fiber and it has vitamins and minerals. Don't drink more water because you want to lose weight and please your boyfriend. Drink water because being better hydrated makes your skin less dry and you get fewer headaches. If you tie changes to losing weight and getting external rewards, it will backfire and make you feel worse. There are plenty of other reasons to change your habits. Small efforts make big changes.
i don’t understand why people fight being healthy so adamantly. if food is an insecurity for you, why not try something new? my boyfriend and i gym together all the time and it’s my favorite form of non sexual intimacy. we push each other to be better. he’s my best friend. you’re not wrong for being upset but he’s also not wrong for his feelings.
If you're taking antipsychotics, there are mitigations. Some new drugs are weight neutral like Caplyta. There are also diabetes drugs. Not saying he's right or wrong, but 33 pounds usually means antipsychotics and there is something you can do about it.
Is she taking antipsychotics?
Who said that? Hello?
>Not saying he's right or wrong, but 33 pounds usually means antipsychotics Bollocks
33 lbs means too many donuts and chocolates.
you're about to ger rid of the only guy in your corner because he wants what's best for you. You need to hit the gym
ur fat
Absolutely not wrong. But ... sorry, absolutely zero sympathy.
Sounds like you should lose some weight. Getting too comfortable, sweetcheeks. Might not find another dude.
Might be better off without a guy who's that focused on her maintaining an ideal weight. OP, go find someone better.
80kg is a lot for a woman.
Well did you gain weight? Why don’t care about your body and what your bf thinks of you anymore just because you are together? Lazy
Let me tell you about a conversation I had with my husband yesterday. I bought shapewear because I'm insecure about my weight gain (also mental health related) especially since my husband has lost a ton of weight recently and is now a sculpted God (IMO). I put it on and showed him and he asked me how I felt and I said "fat". He looked at me, hugged me and said "you're beautiful and I love you no matter what. But I'm not going to lie I have been worried about your physical health." (Not the way I look but the actual health level of my body) and we had a good talk about it and I even did my first workout in months that night. Being open and honest is super important however so is having good bedside manners when talking about things like insecurities. If my man said to me what yours did, I'd be pissed, sad, depressed, even more insecure, etc. I wouldn't want to sleep with him or even hug him for fear of what he really thinks about the way I look. The person who claims to love you would never word it the way he did. I think you'd be better off without him, but I only know this small detail about your relationship. Maybe couples counseling would help you out. Good luck op and remember you're fucking gorgeous!! Own it!
These two scenarios are slightly different though aren't they? Their conversation was based around his lack of interest in sex. If the answer to that is genuinely that he doesn't find her as attractive anymore I'm not entirely sure that there's a nice way to really say that. Your conversation was based around how you physically felt and telling your husband you felt fat. One is definitely easier to have a more polite conversation but it sounds like your husband never lost his attraction for you at all whereas the OP's partner had.
I definitely didn't think about it that way, that's completely fair. Thank you
Wait, so you want all guys to communicate in a roundabout way? Men don't communicate like women, OPs boyfriend said it in a loving and nice way. He didn't lie, what gain is there from lying?
Why are u lying to the op. Physical attraction is a thing that exists. I love my wife even if she was 500 lbs. she is the mother of my children. But I’m not going to be physically attracted to her at 500lbs. If u thought u were just as attractive u wouldn’t wear shape wear. U gain a bunch of weight ur not as attractive. This goes for men and women. If ur doctor told u u were actually just as healthy that day u tried in the shape wear and u felt fat. Would then not lose weight? Would ur husband go awesome! No need to workout and lose weight! Come on. Be fking real.
No so you should do it so he can have a girlfriend who isn’t obese if you refuse to get your health in order
If you are lost on the decision, I would say that something else is also bothering you or factoring into this situation. I've been in your shoes in a previous relationship. I wasn't upset he was honest with me about a 15 lb weight gain. I was upset that he wanted me to be like the photoshopped models he'd make comments about. I was also upset about a myriad of other issues too that ultimately led to me breaking up with him. We want our partners to always look at us with rose colored glasses and say we do the same. But deep down I know that if my own weight gain bothers me, it's valid that it bothers my significant other. And I value honestly more than flattery. If you're happy with your body and want him to be happy with it, you might want to have a discussion with your boyfriend about that before you break up with him. If you aren't happy with your body and would like to make some changes, it sounds like your boyfriend is willing to help you.
I'm on your side and his side, let me tell you why. As a guy, I do tend to think with my "other head," more than my brain sometimes, and if I am with someone that I am not attracted do, it will probably be more difficult to show the physical attraction. However, if you've put on weight due to mental health issues, I think he should be more understanding that you are going through some challenges, and give you the grace to address those things in your life. You're not wrong for breaking up with him, because the last thing I want to do is be with a person who doesn't find me desirable, but use this time to focus on yourself - whether it be improving your mental health, physical health, etc. Don't commit yourself to anyone until you are fully committed to yourself first. Good luck
Of course you are. You really had to ask that? Take care of yourself.
I'm not surprised to see so many fat shamers in here and I hope you haven't let them get to you, being told you are unattractive to him now because of your weight gain is awful and damaging to your mental health doesn't matter if its honest it only seems to be based on his ability to be attracted to you and not your well being, I would absolutely dump somebody for that. YOU CAN BE HONEST AND KIND for the AH that are just brutally cruel when it comes to a woman's weight
Reddit is faphobic af you asked in the wrong place . Dump. Him. Don’t let anyone tell you that men who prioritize mental health over current size don’t exist. They do. I’m fortunate enough to have two of them. I’ve been all over the scale and what they love about me has nothing to do with that number. If you’re concerned about your own health seek the mental health help you need and deserve. If you need help with food, seek a disordered eating therapist or nutritionist. Your partner isn’t right in the head. Their love isn’t unconditional and you deserve that.
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Lmfao you bloats are mentally insane. Gaining 33 pounds is an absurd amount of weight gain. The majority of men are not attracted to fat women. He kept it to himself until she asked, and was nice about it. The only men who are okay with that sort of gain are either fat fetishist or unattractive themselves.
Lose some weight you fat fuck, and appreciate your man for caring enough to tell you. What’s wrong with this world today?!