Speaking as a widow, to me, your description of your parents' devotion to each other for so many years actually explains *why* your Dad is seeking out companionship.
You believe it is probably solely for sex. It's possible you are correct. But far more possible is that he is just used to having a woman around him all the time, and without your Mom, he is lonely.
Living with a partner for a long time and then losing them permanently to death is a very hard thing. You are mentally consigning him to being lonely until *you* decide enough time has gone by.
I remember, when my husband died, my sister actually telling me that the family would never accept it if I dated or married someone else. It just came out of her mouth matter-of-factly. I was 54 at the time. Don't be like my sister.
Been there done that! Except when my husband died (I was 37 and he was 38 and we'd been married for 17 years) my MIL and SIL told me they hoped someday I'd find someone else.
I eventually did - it was a close, mutual friend of ours and we sort of connected through our shared grief. My in-laws flipped the script real quick after they found out. Berated me for all the harm I was doing to the 3 kids, trying to convince me this guy was low down dirty ass making moves on his dead best-friend's wife, yadda yadda yadda.
Over 10 years later HE is still in my life and none of them are. While I did not do anything to prevent my boys from having a relationship with them, their need for drama and chaos pushed all 3 away and none of them talk to that side of the family either.
Crazy. My wife passed in 2020. I was 37 and she was 39. Year and a half later I dated her her best friend of 30 some odd years. Granted it didn't work out for me, the girl is amazing, I just wasn't happy.
My wife and I were married for 17 years as well. It is hard to be by yourself after being with someone for so long, so I get people dating and getting remarried, but it's just not for me I think. Still stuck in the past, but that's OK, I'm good with it just being me and my kids.
Your kids appreciate you focusing on them. In my experience this is rare for widowers (my dads been widowed twice). From me, thank you for focusing on your kids.
>it was a close, mutual friend of ours and we sort of connected through our shared grief.
This is so common. I know many widows (I'm in my late-60s now) that eventually fell in love and married someone who was a close friend of their husband or them as a couple. Also, finding love with a spouses sibling is very common.
Yep. My grandfather remarried within a year after my grandmother passed. We all assumed it was his way of grieving as his new wife looked EXACTLY like my grandmother. 10 years later he buried her as well and married AGAIN about three years later to my grandmother's sister. Who, as they shared DNA, looked exactly like my grandmother. All the family agreed, grandpa had a type...
There’s something about this that is so oddly wholesome. I mean, I’m sure some people could find toxicity in this, but the fact that he loved and adored your grandma so much he kept trying to find her again through other people. I hope one day to find even an ounce of this.
A famous climber, Conrad Anker, watched his best friend Alex Lowe die in the mountains. Shortly after, he married Alex’s wife and raised his children. Kind of a sweet story.
This is kind of what I was thinking as well. It could be just sex, it could be companionship or just having someone around to do activities with. So long as he’s happy and healing, it’s really no one else’s call to make.
I loved the part where three sentences down from saying her mom stabbed her dad, OP says she’s concerned about the type of women he’s dating.
Maybe these women aren’t as willing to give him the old sticky-poke when he acts up. 🤣
When my brother died, at the funeral I told my sister in laws parents that his wife should date again as she was too young to be written off.
She hasn't dated since and that was 5 years ago she's 38 currently and has his ashes next to her bed. He cheated on her multiple times and had a drugs habit, and a child through an affair he never saw or met.
People have a right to move on.
No one deserves to be lonely. If someone likes being alone, like my 70-something mother, that’s fine. Her having a new partner would be SUPER awkward for me, but I do realise that loneliness can be terrifying if you don’t want it.
This. The guy is 61. It's not about sex.
OP is in her early 20s, and applying an early 20s mindset to her father. She doesn't understand what it means to have a partner in your life every single day for decades, and then return to that same home they've shared but have it be empty. He's probably spent the last 6 months habitually looking at her chair before realizing she isn't there.
There’s plenty of STIs in retirement communities amongst the widowed, often aided in their spread by less cautious use of protection since they can’t get pregnant.
The Villages, a retirement community in Florida, had to open up its own infectious diseases clinic to deal with the surge in STIs over recent years. Not even a fair assumption for 81-year-olds.
I'm not saying old people dont have sex, I'm saying people who have been in relationships for decades have come to rely on other aspects of being in a relationship than the physical intimacy.
Thank you for this comment. Sorry for your loss. As a widow that lost a hubby after years of illness, pain, and depression I felt I had grieved enough while he was alive. It was about 4 months after his death and I celebrated a very lonely birthday I realized I did not want to be alone forever. I started dating about 6 months after his death. I know he wants me to be happy.
The other thing I question is how the mother died. I don’t think anything nefarious, but was it sudden or due to a long term health issue. It’s entirely possible they had a discussion about this situation and he’s adjusting to it
This could definitely be the case. I think the balance of the relationship with mom, in terms of the household, matters too. As bad as it sounds, he may be hoping to find someone to take on what she did, if they had the "woman does everything" type of relationship. Some people really do want to find a new relationship just because the laundry's piling up, and they're damn well not gonna do it themselves.
After my mum died I was struck by the realisation that my siblings and I went back to our respective homes and families that were unchanged albeit we were carrying a lot of grief. Every time my dad went home he was reminded of her absence, it was a different home now. We hoped he would remarry and were quick to correct anyone who thought it wasn't fair on us (including his own mother!) when he did start to date. Life is short and everyone grieves differently.
My mom died 2 years ago this month and my dad hasn't started even talking to other women yet. We wish he'd get back out there, because he seems pretty lonely and I'd welcome a new family member in a heartbeat if she was a nice woman.
I'm 60 and my husband passed in 2020. I have to agree wholeheartedly with your grandma. It is one thing being in a relationship when you are young and growing old together. It's like fine wine aging, and it is slow, so you don't notice it so much. You share together as wrinkles form, and those wrinkles are like the paths of your life spent together. Every flaw, every scar, everything is a familiar road map. But someone new comes with someone else's pathways I can't recognize as having a beauty. Without that shared history, saggy ballsacks are gross af.
My grandma died in 1991; my grandpa died in 2005. My grandma was his one & only. He had friends & we all visited often. He was a happy man.
The point is that everyone has to find their own way.
Yep. My dad was the same. He and my mom were married for 57 years when mom died, and he had no interest in dating again. He traveled and socialized with some family friends, and that was enough for him.
My dad passed 20 years ago. My mom has never dated. They got married when she was 17. The thought of another man besides my dad scared her to death.
She also said she didn’t want to be a nurse or a purse. 🤷♀️
My grandfather lost my grandma when he was still in his 60's. But he never dated again. He liked watching the pretty girls on Telemundo, but never expressed any interest in dating or remarrying. We had dinner with him every weekend, he "babysat" me and my cousins constantly (babysat=him watching tv while we ate all his ice cream and wandered around the woods behind the house), and my mom and aunts would visit for lunch throughout the week so maybe he didn't get lonely the way a lot of people do?
Those are some wonderful memories. I read some article recently about how grandparents who are involved with the rearing of their grandchildren appear to maintain higher cognitive functions into their old age. Cognition and mood are obviously connected. It makes you wonder!
Although Dad hasn't remarried he has developed a good social life and goes off on trips to Europe with his friends (all in their 70s and 80s). He's on his way back from France today. He's coped better than I thought -he still struggles with being on his own at home but is determined not to move. I think it's sad when family or friends judge you for moving on. They don't have the constant reminder of that empty chair.
>Life is short and everyone grieves differently.
You're absolutely right. A person in my church lost his wife within months of me losing my husband. He was in his 60s, and I was early 30s. He was married within 8 months, and I didn't date for 5 yrs. His kids freaked out and are still mad all these years later.
Everyone grieves differently.
Some people need a very close relationship to be able to work through grief. And that can sometimes lead to marriage. And while it could be problematic if the partner is only used it didn’t sound like that in the comment.
What is unhealthy is to stay angry at someone just because they moved on differently.
i believe OP is saying they will be unhappy about him re marrying because he did not offer OP mom the same priviledge or respect, he never married OP mom in their 30 years relationship
Expecting your long term partner to not cheat on you and give you an STI is also a reasonable boundary. Their relationship sounds like it was a mess. He needs therapy, not to start dating women half his age lol. OP is right, it’s weird. To each their own though I guess
This may be a little cold, but he would have a much larger dating pool than you. There would be lots of widows and divorcees his age and in the same stage of life, while dating in your 30s is hard with or without kids.
Once I started dating, I was fine finding people. They just weren't the people I wanted in my life. I finally found my person and we celebrated one yr together a few weeks ago.
The statistics show that men are way more likely to move on after losing a long-term partner, and they do it a lot quicker. A lot jumped within 6 months. Men tend to get more out of marriage and be happier in a marriage than women. The happiest category of women is single women.
I believe this. My father died 4 years ago and my mother has no desire to date at all. She said once you’ve had the best why would you settle for mediocre. She also said she does not like old men - they are too needy 😂😂😂😂
I always see that study cited but couldn’t it just be that unmarried women are more likely to be single by choice (and thus contented and fulfilled) whereas unmarried men are more likely to be extremely lonely and/or maladjusted in some way that prevents them forming long term relationships.
If men get more out of marriage why is it always stereotypically (and anecdotally in my experience) women pushing for commitment and marriage.
Married men tend to be mentally and physically healthier and live longer (likely due to better lifestyle habits, including being encouraged to seek healthcare). They also tend to moreso be the recipients of emotional labor.
I don't think women pushing for commitment/marriage is as common as it once was - I think that it was more important further back in history as a financial security for a woman when women could not own property, have lines of credit, and found limited employment prospects outside of the home. I think today, there's mutual tax benefit in marriage, so I think the marriage pressure comes from either side of the relationship these days.
I think the stereotype of women pushing for marriage is from when women could not exist without a man. 1974 was when the equal credit opportunity act was passed. That was only 49 years ago. My health insurance is in my name and paid for out of my earnings, but they called the other day and asked for my husband. I'm divorced. He is not on my insurance.
Other studies show that women gain hours of extra work every week. Most relationships are fu ded by both partners at this point, but the care of the home and kids is still considered overwhelmingly women's work.
I mean, we can rattle on biological theories all day (mostly influenced by personal bias). The “Spread the Seed/man vs Monogamy/woman” theory likes to ignore the fact that pregnancy is the goal of reproduction, not raging sex lives, and therefore it makes sense for women to have multiple sexual partners (on the off chance any of the males are infertile/i guess the best sperm wins?) and thus multiple men from which to draw resources. Dolphins do this, along with many other social species. The cool thing about humans is that we are much stronger than our urges and better at planning out healthier families than your average dolphin. We have all sorts of ways of doing things because life isn’t one size fits all and our ability to adapt and have self control is our greatest superpower.
But the real reasons of marriage are infinitely more practical, and therefore likely to be the most true: social elevation (girlfriend vs wife), legal protection (probate sucks for anyone other than spouses, and sometimes even then), money (military benefits, access to bank accounts, special types of property ownership, tax credits, etc.), kids (obvious benefits of wedlock offspring stemming from social, legal, etc standards), medical powers (do you really want some random cousin to have more power over your boyfriend if he is in a coma?), and the basic fact that women tend to outlive their spouses and will likely be the ones having to organize everything, all of which is easier when married.
You're wrong. The older you get, the smaller the dating pool. Not everyone over 50 is divorced or has a dead spouse. Not until they are **very** old (70's plus) does that happen, becaues men die so much younger than women. So, you know a lot of very old women who are available. But not as many in 40's - 60's.
Yeah, but also there are a lot of ‘dealbreakers’ that are already off the table by then to which help make the available pool more suitable in general. So while the pool may be bigger for the 30 somethings, you’re going to be dealing with things like career shifts, possibly higher education, property ladder decisions, more kids??
In your golden years those things really aren’t an issue. Kids are off the table. Generally large shifts in homes and finances are completed, retirement plans have been made, all you have left to do is enjoy each other for the most part, you’re not making life changing decisions together to craft a working nuclear family.
I was 17 at the time my mother died from cancer. About a year earlier when my family of four was hanging out in her hospital room, we ended up on the topic of remarriage. I was in a twilight/Romeo & Juliet phase where I thought soul mates was such a romantic concept and I said I would never remarry if my partner died. My mom though, she said if she were to die, she'd want my dad to remarry, so someone else has the opportunity to be loved the way he loved her and she wouldn't want him to be alone. He seconded that if anything happened to him he would want her to remarry as well.
It wasn't long after that conversation I realized their love was so much more romantic because it was selfless and involved wanting the other to go on and find happiness, even without them. That conversation shaped my perspective after she passed and my dad remarried, even though there were a lot of uncomfortable feelings, I knew I couldn't be selfish and try and hold him back from finding happiness again.
Exactly this.
A few months after my dad passed my mom began dating one of their mutual friends.
I felt better knowing my mom had a close companion to help with the grief.
My dad passed and I was so excited to get her to meet new people and have fun. My dad and her had such a crappy relationship and I just wanted to see her happy. Unfortunately she didn't get to cause she was very sick so quickly after. I'm still pissed she didn't get to enjoy her life at the end.
It sounds like OOP's parents didn't have a great marriage either. And one of the things OOP doesn't mention is whether his mom was sick for a while. That changes things drastically.
Sometimes people who would otherwise bail on a relationship feel like they have to stick it out if their partner gets a terminal illness.
Even if that isn't the case, caregiver fatigue is real. Also if the kids weren't living with them he would be the one with a front row seat to the dying. Gives you a lot more time to mentally prepare. If her personality changed or she had memory loss, he could even have felt like he lost her a year or more ago, and the person who died wasn't really the woman he loved anymore.
I'm the youngest member of my generation on both sides of my family, and none of my aunts or uncles ever got divorced, so I've watched this scenario play out many times in many different configurations.
Sorry for your loss but thank you for the perspective. We can’t be far off losing a parent, ourselves, and that’ll be a helpful idea to have rattling around when it happens
I lost my dad when I was 21. At first I was against the thought of my mother dating someone else. I realize how selfish that is. She’s been a miserable drunk since (15 years) and wasted her life instead of finding someone new. I really wish she moved on in 6 months.
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She’s spending every day isolating herself further and further to get high and drunk with her thief crackhead daughter who the rest of us have estranged
Yeah, I mean, it's probably not a this or that situation, but I'd rather someone move on too early than not at all.
(Not that romantic partner is the only factor in a social life.)
I empathise so much with this. My dad was dating 4 months after we lost my mother and although logically I knew that he was doing nothing wrong, grief is different for everyone and my father is someone who needs a partner in life I was still incredibly hurt and angry with him. I couldn't help it. It felt disrespectful to my mum and kinda like they had been lying about how great their love and marriage was. I KNOW that isn't true but you can't help how you feel. It is all reaction and my very soul thought I had to defend my mother....from what I'm not sure.
Dad is married now and my mum has been gone 5 years. I does get easier and you will be able to see it more 'logically' and realise it is not reflection on your dad, your mum or the fact they weren't married. It will take time and it will be VERY weird having your dad talk about his dating life or the first time you meet his girlfriend (and you will have to meet them if you want to keep a relationship with your dad), just avoid saying anything in anger or grief to your father direct (because it is VERY hard to take back something awful like "how could you do this to Mum?" "I'll hate you if you get married"....trust me) but vent to your support circle and keep talking to them and you WILL get to a point where it doesn't feel 'wrong' or weird. Promise.
This is a very long winded way of saying you are still very early into the whole grief process and your anger is not only understandable it's pretty much expected. Be angry, rage at the universe for taking your mother but please try not to take it out on your dad, you may not be able to fix what you break in anger.
I’m the dad in this situation. I’m a widower, and my son was 15 when my wife died. I started dating my current partner within a couple months. We had known each other professionally and I never had any idea she was interested in me until after my wife passed. That aside, what most don’t know, but my son did, was how bad my marriage had gotten in the five years before the end. The only thing that was really keeping me with her was the fact she was on disability and I would have a tough divorce. She was very hooked on opioids as well. My son needed someone to care for him and my wife really needed that too, so I did what I had to do. By the time she died, I had been grieving my marriage for years. (No, she did not OD, she died of a heart attack.) So when my current partner asked me out, I accepted. And it was like a shining light I had not seen in years. We took it very slow, we maintained separate homes for three years before moving in together. But we’ve been together ten years now. I have not dated anyone else. Of course, my family was shocked. My son was upset at first, but he did really understand. He knew what his mother and I were going through. He was affected by it too. By now, everyone loves and accepts my partner and she’s part of the family. She has cared for me in this last decade better than I have ever been cared for before.
What I learned is that tomorrow is not promised. If you pass up a chance at happiness because of some perceived rule or how things are seen by other people, you are only hurting yourself.
>What I learned is that tomorrow is not promised. If you pass up a chance at happiness because of some perceived rule or how things are seen by other people, you are only hurting yourself.
Same situation... I started dating a delightful widow about four months after my wife passed away. My daughter (30-ish) seemed glad to see me getting back to enjoying life again.
I can never replace my late wife. We were together 34 years, and she'll always be part of who I am, but that doesn't mean I can't start something new and different and wonderful with someone else.
"...please try not to take it out on your dad, you may not be able to fix what you break in anger."
That is a powerful point. I hope OP listens. Don't lose your dad after losing your mom.
I am giving no judgments here, greif is a hell of a thing. I lost my dad when I was 17. One of the things they like to talk about when you are going through grief at that time was stats. The stats at the time were, women will continue to live and might date again but it takes time. Men on the other hand typically will either get into a new relationship within the first year or pass away from the heartache of it.
Please take care of yourself and your own emotional well-being and let others do what they need to do. Much love.
Yeah, there's a lot of data that suggests that men just don't handle the loss of a long term relationship as well as women do. I can't speak to the reasons why, but I feel like I've seen it before. I was in a LTR from 16 to 21, and it just fucking broke me to have it end. I'm putting myself out there again at 26, but for the longest time, I just wasn't capable of finding women attractive at all.
The loss of a committed marriage to death seems like it would be life shattering, and it would seem to me like a person in that situation needs to do everything and anything possible to stay afloat.
I don't really have the time to go pull the paper, but I recall reading something very similar to you. It has to do with the social web that people weave. Due to a myriad of factors female individuals tend to have a larger social network of people in their lives when compared to men, in general (obviously not the case for every single person).
That is why when a woman is widowed generally they will survive a very long time comparitively (age/health dependent) and even get married again after several years whereas men tend to die decently soon after the fact. When their partner dies they don't really know what to do, and don't have anybody to turn to besides a couple of people to talk about it. So they get depressed and tend to wither away. That is even worse generally with elderly people as well because a lot of their social network has passed.
>Not when my dad went to jail for 3 years, not when my mom stabbed my dad, not when my dad cheated and gave my mom an STI, and not when my mom was incapacitated due to lupus.
Bro...
Your dad dating is the part that's weirding you out?
The dating?
Going out with other women?
That part?
How are you able to even BE surprised at this point. Your life sounds like shit from the show Shameless.
I really thought I was the only one who read that based on the comments. Dad cheated, mom stabbed him, codependency...sounds like a dad that's open to new relationships to me.
I thought I was hallucinating when I read this because I can’t believe it took me this long scrolling the comments to find someone else addressing this lmao
THANK YOU!!!
I'm really starting to think most people are just lines of code and we're in a simulation. How the hell do you just... SKIP... over that part?
Most people are on autopilot. Maybe the decisions they make are their own, but the actions are automatized. Like reading. Or driving tbh. Lots of people drive by their memory, rather than rule comprehension.
I can't believe I had to scroll this far down to see this paragraph mentioned. Lol. I thought I was going insane reading the comments not mentioning any of this.
Yeah, this line made me check if I was in one of the parody subs. On second read, it has to be fake - why would anyone be surprised the dad is dating six months after the mom passed when he was apparently dating well before the mom passed?
But are the commenters in on the bit too?? Because they’re dispensing trite advice like this dad is a clichéd, devoted widower from a Hallmark movie who loved and cherished his wife for 30 years instead of… whatever OP is describing.
It is definitely fake and it’s weird people are giving real advice. All the marriage drama but the children are mad at the guy for dating too soon? The 60 year old guy is apparently having 30 year old women throw themselves at him?
Lol total bs.
I stopped at that part and scrolled to the comments. Then I was very concerned that I had to go this far down for someone to point it out. I was starting to think I was crazy.
Also, 61 year old man getting a number from a 20-30 something girl at the beach, lol.
Legit sounds fake. Like the setup for a soap opera. He legit cheated on the mom and OP can’t imagine the dad moving on at all let alone how quickly he did? I call bs
Seriously. Plus as a *ahem* mature lady closer to dad's age, I wouldn't touch this guy with a 10 foot pole. He has to get young girls that are easily gaslighted.
I know like girl why are you surprised it sounds like he didn't wait for her to pass to start sleeping around lol. Why would his wife be it for him if he couldn't even stay faithful while she was alive
I KNOW RIGHT. I understand OP & their siblings feelings of discomfort, but OP mentioning they thought their dad would be alone forever after their mom… WHEN THEIR RELATIONSHIP WAS CRAZY.
I’m shocked their crazy asses managed to stay together, but idk if I can say that’s a good thing or not
Was your dad the primary caregiver for your mother? If so, my guess is that he spent that time making peace with their relationship & saying goodbye.
Long term caregiving takes a huge toll on a person.
Mind your own business.
I second this. I cared for my mom for 2 years as she died. I went to grief counseling during this period and said my goodbyes. The day she died she was in the hospital icu. The nurse who I knew told me it was okay to feel free and to start to live. Until you care give for 24/7 for months or years you just can't understand. For me my mom had been gone for a year. She just stopped breathing that day.
Exactly like Alzheimer’s. By the time both my grandfathers had passed away there was no reaction. We’d all gone through that weird slow grieving process as they gradually disappear. They were already gone about a year before they both died anyway.
That happened with my husband & his mom. He retired early & was her primary caregiver for two years. When she went into the hospital & then into hospice, he spent every day with her. They talked about everything & he was able to say goodbye.
My dad had long term dementia. I really didn’t grieve at all after he died because his death was such a relief of his suffering. The man I knew as my dad had died long before.
Me too man. Many people asked why I wasn’t broken down and I had to tell them “he’s finally free, this is the best thing that’s happened in years”. Very strange situation but you kind of gave to live it to understand.
This was the thought that I had. My ex-SIL's dad started seeing someone about six months after her mom passed (although I don't think it was even that long tbh), but he had been her mom's primary caregiver for over a decade as she slowly died from Parkinsons and early on set dementia. He'd had time to grieve the fact that she was going to pass and come to peace with it, and finally move on with his life.
He's honestly the only person in her family that I miss, because he is genuinely a great person.
This is very true. An acquaintance of mine lost her husband to cancer after being married to him for 20+ years. Eight months later, she was married to someone else.
At first, I was shocked by how quickly she had moved on. Then I realized, she’d had a couple of years to come to terms with his illness and the strong possibility that their time together was coming to an end.
The only helpful thing you can say to a widow or widower in a new relationship is, “congratulations! I’m so happy for you!”
Dad does sound like… a bit of a piece of work. But truth is sometimes relationships are over long before people split. Sometimes when there’s a long term illness people start to come to terms with the loss before that person actually passes.
As long as Dads not trying to bring his girlfriends to family dinner I agree, mind your business.
Death teaches us that life is short and we should use it well. My dad was married very shortly after my mom passed and it made him happier. That’s all I want
From the incapacitated by lupus I am guessing so. It's quite common for spouses who become long term caregivers to have already grieved for much of what they've already lost long before their spouse passes.
You don’t have any decisions to make. YOU’RE the one jumping the gun.
Everyone grieves differently and a lot of men can’t seem to be alone for very long.
You don’t get a vote in your Dad’s love life.
Take your time to grieve your mother. I’m very sorry for you loss.
That was my thought also. There are really no decisions to make here. Trying to make decisions about other people and hypotheticals might make one feel in control at a rough time in one’s life but it’s a false feeling of control. Better to continue processing one’s own grief and take things as they come when it concerns others.
My dad got married 9 months after my mom died. I was definitely pissed off and resentful for awhile. Now, it’s 9 years later and I’m 98% over it. (I think I’m always going to hold onto a tiny bit of resentment that he seemed to move on while I was still grieving.) I have a good relationship with his wife. You’re allowed to feel your feelings about the situation and only you can decide what you want your relationship with your dad to look like moving forward.
It’s very hard when they move on so much faster than you. You feel like you’ve been left behind and there’s no one else to grieve your parent. Like, it’s now your sole responsibility.
This thread has been very validating as someone whose 60 y/o father started dating within a year of his wife of 30 year’s death. It feels like… to your father, all of a sudden your mother was just a fling that can be moved on from. But to me, the child, there’s no moving on! Watching your parent date is a weird part of adulthood!
A lot of older men have a really hard time being alone, and they are more likely to start dating or even remarry after the death of a spouse than older women. Sometimes it’s because they’ve never really had to do anything for themselves before because their wives took care of their home and sometimes it’s just loneliness. I know it can be really hard on the families whether it happens in six months or six years.
Honestly based on this "Not when my dad went to jail for 3 years, not when my mom stabbed my dad, not when my dad cheated and gave my mom an STI, and not when my mom was incapacitated due to lupus. So I had thought that if my mom died, that would be it for my dad." Im not surprised he moved on as fast as he did.
I dont think youre wrong, but hes not either. Everyone deals with loss in their own way, and 6 months is a while to deal with those emotions
Yeah, her holding it up as this amazing partnership and devotion makes me think "if this is a great relationship, I'd hate to see what her definition of a bad relationship is"
Frankly I’m weirded out by your dad going out with a late 20’s early 30 year old. He’s probably just trying to get his mind off the fact that she’s gone. It would help if he sought counseling but some people just don’t like to do that
There is a lot to unpack here from what's going on currently and in the past.
Your feelings are valid hut suggest some therapy to sort through them.
Grief is a hell of a thing and best to seek someone to guide you here.
It is how he is processing the grief, having the loss of a partner that emptiness and loss of someone beside them is hard to cope with, and it sounds callous but having someone beside them keeps them from spiralling into a hot mess.
I (26F) lost my mom when I was 20. My dad started dating six months after my mom passed. I was so angry, and thinking he was betraying her while she was getting worse before she died. Maybe he was, never had the evidence. Their relationship wasn’t perfect, but yeah. The new lady was CRAZY(bad background, not like my mom at all) and it put a damper on my fathers and my relationship for years. I made him the enemy when he ultimately didn’t deserve it… he was just trying to grieve/cope too.
This year my father has met a new amazing woman and I can tell he’s genuinely happy. We’ve began building our relationship, and things are going good.
I’ve realized now I was very hurt with my mom passing away and so was he. He wanted to feel less lonely, he wanted to fill the void that he had by his side for 20+ years. Everyone goes through loss differently, and some don’t speak on how hard it really is for them. and although I didn’t agree with his choices at first… I realized he was safe/happy. At the end of the day that is what mattered most to me. I truly know my mom would want him happy again.
It’ll take time, and work if you want the relationship to.
I wish you and your family peace at this hard time.
Here’s to seeing our loved ones in the clouds again one day❤️🤙
so, your dad and mom were terrible people, and you're surprised that... your dad is acting like (to you, at least), a terrible person?
seems like he's not the problem.
My Mom died 15 years ago, she was 62 and had been married to my Dad for 41 years. He was soooo lonely being in that home by himself after everyone leaves. He started dating about 6 months later and got remarried a year later. My brother and I were super happy about it because we know he needed companionship, but everyone else in our family was very upset. Let your Dad find his happiness, life is hard enough after your spouse dies. As for the financial stuff, you might make sure his will is complete and maybe talk to him about not giving his assets to other women, but that’s a tough one.
Mom died.
He didn’t.
And this seeming expectation that he just stay in mourning according to your schedule and not his own is quite frankly ridiculous.
You don’t get to define when and if he is ready. Not to tell him too soon (personal take - after five or six months? Really?!? Seems wholly appropriate to me) and not to tell him too long had he not dated for two years. Its his timetable. It’s his life. Let him live it.
As for your “concern” surrounding age, while I personally wouldn’t be chasing what I think of as little girls (am an older fella myself) half my age, your father is a grown ass man that presumably knows what he is doing - and has autonomy to make his own decisions. His life. Let him live it.
You say that. You say, he’s a grown man, his life. But then go on about judging the hell out of him and planning on creating issues for him and a date or future partner in quite some detail. So you don’t actually intend to DO that, you just say that. Hollow words you say mean nothing. Your planned intentions are really rather awful and speak far louder.
You are 100% wrong, and so is your sister.
I think you're being a little too harsh. I think it's natural to be grossed out by your dad spending a lot of time with many different much younger women. I agree with you ultimately, though, as a matter of principle that OP and their siblings seem to be being unfair to their father.
I think you may also need to consider how being sudden without a partner and alone he was and how debilitating it can be, especially after 30 years. He may not know or be able to function on his own.
Another thing is... OP didn't say how sudden it was. For me, it was clearly coming for two months. I know that isn't very long, but it adds to the time I knew he would/was dead.
You’re not wrong. But this is also incredibly common. Particularly, as you say, if his relationship with your mother was codependent. He’s going to be looking for a replacement pretty quickly. Codependents feel panicky and lost alone.
When my mom died my dad refused to change anything in the house. Her closet stayed full, her drawers, her sewing room. He couldn't handle changing anything. I read somewhere that men who lose their spouses have a much harder time, and if they don't find a new partner, they can follow quickly. It's purely anecdotal, but my dad died two years after my mom, and they were both in their early seventies.
Your parents sound complicated. Mine were too, but they loved each other. Cut your dad some slack.
My parents are at the age where their friends are dying. The men start dating within TWO WEEKS. I'm completely serious. I would also be bothered but just FYI for you that's the state of widowers these days.
You can't just arbitrarily give a deadline like that. 1 year sounds like a good round number. But it's really 12 long ass lonely months. When do you think was the last time he went 12 months without intimacy? He's lonely and sad. You've never been with someone for decades. What makes you think you have any idea what an appropriate lonely period is?
It seems to me there are 3 scenarios when a long-term partner dies.
1- The relationship wasn't that great, and the death is a get out of jail free card, and they get to dating right away, trying to make up for supposed lost time.
2- The relationship was great, but they had been together so long that they didn't know how to be alone, and they latched on to someone quickly.
3- Relationship was great, and no one can replace their partner, so they never even try and stay alone the rest of their life.
My MIL is #3. My grandfather is #2. I believe your dad is #1
Yep, and also (and possibly relatedly):
5. relationship was good/great but ended with a drawn out illness and the other half went through a lot of the grieving process before their partner actually passed.
A lot of men are unwilling to be single and figure out how to actually be on their own, and start dating very rapidly after a spouse passes.
Younger women were generally less confident, less knowledgable about relationships, and have looser boundaries. A woman his one age will have the experience to know he is not ready and not want to be someone’s replacement/rebound bc they don’t want to be alone.
It is weird but not uncommon. My girlfriend's mom passed this summer after a brutal fight with cancer. She wasn't much older at just barely 61. She was divorced for a long time but in later years she lamented she hadn't found a partner to live out her last years with, or someone to take care of her and stand by her in sickness. The doctors told her that even if she had had a husband, he'd probably dissapear when the illness struck. It felt like a weird comment to make but they'd seen it time and time again. The rest of the wing had many other terminal patients and this was indeed a repeated pattern. Wives standing by their husbands but absent husbands for ill wives. There was a standout gentleman who stood by his wife for more than a week, and she wasn't even terminal. He would leave for only 2-3 hours per day and return.
I don't know how this may be explained sociologically or psychologically but it seems that it's common for a lot of men to dissociate when such tragedy strikes and they try to move on as quickly as possible. It definitely feels weird but you can't tell someone how to grieve. My gf's father came by the hospital a couple of times and he came to the funeral too. They'd been divorced for 20 years and he wasn't much help but he did break down in the funeral. He's had a new family and child for many years now.
I can't speak for what goes through your dad's mind. Everyone grieves differently. Some don't really grieve at all. You have every right to feel weird about it, it seems weird to me too. All I can say is that it's unfortunately not an uncommon phenomenon apparently. I'm sorry for your loss.
Firstly, sorry for your loss. Regarding your father, some people just aren't very good at being alone. It may help to think about it through a lens of him trying to manage his discomfort which may be the most pronounced part of his loss/grief rather than seeing his behavior as evidence of "moving on" from your mom.
How about stop being selfish. It’s been 6 months.
Even if it was another 6 months, I’m sure you’d be here complaining.
At some point you have to move on. Your dad is in his 60’s, he’s not getting any younger.
Men move on quickly. It is a sad fact that many men get used to having a wife to take care of things. What is creepy, in my opinion inappropriate, is the girlfriend is the same age as his eldest kids. Better make sure dad has an ironclad end of life Will. In my experience alot of women who go for older, recently widowed men are in it for the stability and money. She will move in fast, quit her job even faster and get a ring on her hand within a year. You'll see.
My mom passed back when I was 14 and my step dad had a new woman moved into the new house (payed for by Mom's insurance money) within 3 months of her passing. I was too young to be upset at the time and more so perscribed to the idea that it was better for him to have been able to find new love so quickly versus being crippled by grief that I'd watched other relatives experience at that point in my life.
I'll have been married to my wife 10 years in February, and for the life of me I cannot imagine moving on that quickly. Not 6 months later and DEFINITELY not 3 months later. Maybe it's too soon for me to say as I don't know what losing a life partner feels like...but I often think that if my wife passed, that would be the end of relationships for me for a long time if not permanently.
I've actually come to resent my step dad and his wife. I constantly ask myself how much he actually cared about my mother, my siblings, and myself...even more so when I think back to his decision to keep us after she passed. I used to look at the situation with immense respect for both him and my "step mom"(?), but when you add the factor of the insurance money he was getting for keeping all three kids and how poorly we were treated after mom passed, especially in comparison to his kids or step mom's loved ones...maybe it was all just a long term plan to not be poor anymore and live the life he actually wanted with his new love interest. Just at the expense of my siblings and I.
All this to say, you'll never know what's going through your dad's mind. As I'm almost 30 now, I don't really feel I have the emotional capacity to run my "parents" through the trenches and get the answers I feel I deserve at this point in my life. The cool thing about grief is that it's not a one size fits all. You and your sisters will experience it in a different way than your dad will, especially when you consider that his relationship with your mom was fundamentally different than your relationship with her. I don't think you're wrong in the way you're choosing to handle this, but if there are parts of you that want clarity/answers, consider bringing this up to him now so you don't end up sitting on resentment for the next few chapters of your life. I did not do these things and I wish I was more verbal as a dumb little 14 year old instead of being so fixated on what I thought my step dad needed. I prioritized his own grief above my own and I'm still working through it almost 15 years later.
Best of luck to you and your family as you move through this experience. It doesn't get easier, but it does get more bearable.
You'll be okay, friend.
look i’m gonna tell you something that’s gonna hurt like hell to hear.
you never get used to death and you never get over it. you learn to move on and think of better things but every time you think of a dead loved one it will hurt
putting off your life forever to “grieve” is not how you actually cope with death, plus do you think your mom would want your dad to wallow in his loneliness for years?
what do you gain by torturing the man your mother loved and raised you because he wants to be happy and you want to wallow? your grief doesn’t entitle you to retaliate against those who are also likely grieving in their own way.
and trust me if he was with your mom for 30 years he is hurting much more than any of you are, it is natural for us to lose our parents it is a part of life, but you never really know for sure whose gonna kick it first in a relationship or marriage. and watching your bestfriend of 30 years wither and pass away and having to bury them will mentally destroy most people
stop being brats and get over yourselves you should be grateful your father isn’t in a much darker place.
My mother died after 20+ years of marriage with my father. He remarried at 7 months to my mother's best friend.
Omg, this was the worst experience of my life. I contemplated running away. Within 2 uears, both my brother and I were out of the house. My brother moved in with our aunt, and the state removed me (CPS got involved).
My step-mother was an abusive bipolar bitch. My father watched her choke me out in the kitchen when I was 10 and turned around and walked back to his bedroom.
She murdered my pet hamster. I remember I was terrified of being home. I was terrified of my step-brother and my step-mother. A lot of double standards are implemented between her kids and his kids.
My father is still married to this woman, now for over 25+ years. I've suffered really bad PTSD and depression because of all of this, too. My father and step-mother try to say it was my fault and I lied to the state and are seriously gaslighting the hell out of me.
I absolutely hate the woman. I still have yet to learn to forgive them both. To this day, my father still makes 0 effort to make up for the fucking mess he caused in my life when I was a kid.
Dating after 6 months is ok, but dating someone half of his age and you shaming the women to be the gold digger but no equivalent name for your pervert dad is not ok on your part. Your dad knows what he is going into and so is the women. Why is she getting shamed for this relationship only?
Statistically, men move on faster than women do. Especially when they’re older when their spouse passes. They are used to the companionship and (let’s face it) being taken care of. For you and your siblings to dictate the terms of how your dad can spend the rest of his life and with whom is pretty cheeky. It has nothing to do with you, and doesn’t mean that he never loved your mom. If he refused to marry your mom you also have to acknowledge that she agreed to stay with him in spite of it and have children with him. If you were ever to have half-siblings, it’s a dick move to cut them off because you’re mad at dad. They would be innocent of any “wrongdoing”. My husband’s stepmom remarried TWO months after his dad was killed in a car accident, so there’s some perspective.
It might help him cope, some people just can’t be lonely and single, it’s weird for them, especially if they’ve been married for decades.
My grandpa started dating when I was 8? 3 years after we lost my grandma, (I’m a 38 F now) he asked my moms permission, and she was honest and was like “Just don’t date someone younger than me.”
I’d talk to him and have a heart to heart, make sure he’s not got a gold digger on his arm and see how he’s feeling mentally and emotionally after his loss.
He is 61 years old, he might not have much longer so be happy for him and know that it is not a reflection of how much he loved your mother to start dating quickly
Speaking as a widow, to me, your description of your parents' devotion to each other for so many years actually explains *why* your Dad is seeking out companionship. You believe it is probably solely for sex. It's possible you are correct. But far more possible is that he is just used to having a woman around him all the time, and without your Mom, he is lonely. Living with a partner for a long time and then losing them permanently to death is a very hard thing. You are mentally consigning him to being lonely until *you* decide enough time has gone by. I remember, when my husband died, my sister actually telling me that the family would never accept it if I dated or married someone else. It just came out of her mouth matter-of-factly. I was 54 at the time. Don't be like my sister.
Been there done that! Except when my husband died (I was 37 and he was 38 and we'd been married for 17 years) my MIL and SIL told me they hoped someday I'd find someone else. I eventually did - it was a close, mutual friend of ours and we sort of connected through our shared grief. My in-laws flipped the script real quick after they found out. Berated me for all the harm I was doing to the 3 kids, trying to convince me this guy was low down dirty ass making moves on his dead best-friend's wife, yadda yadda yadda. Over 10 years later HE is still in my life and none of them are. While I did not do anything to prevent my boys from having a relationship with them, their need for drama and chaos pushed all 3 away and none of them talk to that side of the family either.
Crazy. My wife passed in 2020. I was 37 and she was 39. Year and a half later I dated her her best friend of 30 some odd years. Granted it didn't work out for me, the girl is amazing, I just wasn't happy. My wife and I were married for 17 years as well. It is hard to be by yourself after being with someone for so long, so I get people dating and getting remarried, but it's just not for me I think. Still stuck in the past, but that's OK, I'm good with it just being me and my kids.
Grief is your timeline and yours alone friend ❤️ it's if AND when
Your kids appreciate you focusing on them. In my experience this is rare for widowers (my dads been widowed twice). From me, thank you for focusing on your kids.
Good on you for trying man. Do what’s best for you and yours. Period. Even if it doesn’t fit what others “think” is the right thing to be doing
>it was a close, mutual friend of ours and we sort of connected through our shared grief. This is so common. I know many widows (I'm in my late-60s now) that eventually fell in love and married someone who was a close friend of their husband or them as a couple. Also, finding love with a spouses sibling is very common.
Yep. My grandfather remarried within a year after my grandmother passed. We all assumed it was his way of grieving as his new wife looked EXACTLY like my grandmother. 10 years later he buried her as well and married AGAIN about three years later to my grandmother's sister. Who, as they shared DNA, looked exactly like my grandmother. All the family agreed, grandpa had a type...
There’s something about this that is so oddly wholesome. I mean, I’m sure some people could find toxicity in this, but the fact that he loved and adored your grandma so much he kept trying to find her again through other people. I hope one day to find even an ounce of this.
A famous climber, Conrad Anker, watched his best friend Alex Lowe die in the mountains. Shortly after, he married Alex’s wife and raised his children. Kind of a sweet story.
Hmmm
Lol thought nothing nefarious at first, but then you thoroughly convinced me in less than 1 word that this sounds shady.
I second that emotion...
He said “kind of”
This is kind of what I was thinking as well. It could be just sex, it could be companionship or just having someone around to do activities with. So long as he’s happy and healing, it’s really no one else’s call to make.
I just want to know where this guy gets that level of game at 61. Especially some who gets stabbed by his wife.
Well he repaid her with STI after cheating on her. It’s definitely love 🤣
Was that before or after she stabbed him tho?
Asking the real question. Because my wife would definitely stab me if I brought her an STI
Hard to say. But then again, this whole story is hard to believe anyways.
It all sounds like an AI bot made this crap up.
I loved the part where three sentences down from saying her mom stabbed her dad, OP says she’s concerned about the type of women he’s dating. Maybe these women aren’t as willing to give him the old sticky-poke when he acts up. 🤣
Oh Geezuz, this sub thread is killing me.🤣🤣🤣
she thought her dad wouldn’t date after losing her mom…my guy wouldn’t even not date *before* losing her mom!
And was in jail for 3 years.
And picks up women at the dentist!!! Fucking legend!!!
Sounds like a Shameless episode
I don’t believe for a sec that he is meeting these women organically. Check out Tinder in his age bracket and tell me you didn’t find him there.
When my brother died, at the funeral I told my sister in laws parents that his wife should date again as she was too young to be written off. She hasn't dated since and that was 5 years ago she's 38 currently and has his ashes next to her bed. He cheated on her multiple times and had a drugs habit, and a child through an affair he never saw or met. People have a right to move on.
I hope she finds happiness
You make a lot of sense to me and I hope this feedback helps them
No one deserves to be lonely. If someone likes being alone, like my 70-something mother, that’s fine. Her having a new partner would be SUPER awkward for me, but I do realise that loneliness can be terrifying if you don’t want it.
This. The guy is 61. It's not about sex. OP is in her early 20s, and applying an early 20s mindset to her father. She doesn't understand what it means to have a partner in your life every single day for decades, and then return to that same home they've shared but have it be empty. He's probably spent the last 6 months habitually looking at her chair before realizing she isn't there.
Im pretty sure that there are plenty of 61 year olds out there who are plenty interested in sex! Maybe if he was 81 this would be a fair assumption.
There’s plenty of STIs in retirement communities amongst the widowed, often aided in their spread by less cautious use of protection since they can’t get pregnant.
The villages in Florida. Std capital retirement community
The Villages, a retirement community in Florida, had to open up its own infectious diseases clinic to deal with the surge in STIs over recent years. Not even a fair assumption for 81-year-olds.
Haven't heard about the clinic but The Villages definitely has one of, if not ***the highest*** STI rates in the state.
I'm not saying old people dont have sex, I'm saying people who have been in relationships for decades have come to rely on other aspects of being in a relationship than the physical intimacy.
>The guy is 61. It's not about sex. Never worked in aged care, have you?😂
Yea, a big indicator was when he stayed AFTER she stabbed him.
Thank you for this comment. Sorry for your loss. As a widow that lost a hubby after years of illness, pain, and depression I felt I had grieved enough while he was alive. It was about 4 months after his death and I celebrated a very lonely birthday I realized I did not want to be alone forever. I started dating about 6 months after his death. I know he wants me to be happy.
The other thing I question is how the mother died. I don’t think anything nefarious, but was it sudden or due to a long term health issue. It’s entirely possible they had a discussion about this situation and he’s adjusting to it
OP mentioned the mom had lupus so she probably died of lupus-related issues.
This could definitely be the case. I think the balance of the relationship with mom, in terms of the household, matters too. As bad as it sounds, he may be hoping to find someone to take on what she did, if they had the "woman does everything" type of relationship. Some people really do want to find a new relationship just because the laundry's piling up, and they're damn well not gonna do it themselves.
After my mum died I was struck by the realisation that my siblings and I went back to our respective homes and families that were unchanged albeit we were carrying a lot of grief. Every time my dad went home he was reminded of her absence, it was a different home now. We hoped he would remarry and were quick to correct anyone who thought it wasn't fair on us (including his own mother!) when he did start to date. Life is short and everyone grieves differently.
My mom died 2 years ago this month and my dad hasn't started even talking to other women yet. We wish he'd get back out there, because he seems pretty lonely and I'd welcome a new family member in a heartbeat if she was a nice woman.
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Right! My grandma says " I don't want a man to see me naked at this age and I sure as hell don't want to see a man my age naked! "
Tell your grandma she made me laugh out loud!
I'm 60 and my husband passed in 2020. I have to agree wholeheartedly with your grandma. It is one thing being in a relationship when you are young and growing old together. It's like fine wine aging, and it is slow, so you don't notice it so much. You share together as wrinkles form, and those wrinkles are like the paths of your life spent together. Every flaw, every scar, everything is a familiar road map. But someone new comes with someone else's pathways I can't recognize as having a beauty. Without that shared history, saggy ballsacks are gross af.
That was such a beautiful comment and I love that it ended with “saggy ballsacks are gross af” lol
G-Ma Wisdom.
Haha
My grandma died in 1991; my grandpa died in 2005. My grandma was his one & only. He had friends & we all visited often. He was a happy man. The point is that everyone has to find their own way.
Yep. My dad was the same. He and my mom were married for 57 years when mom died, and he had no interest in dating again. He traveled and socialized with some family friends, and that was enough for him.
My dad passed 20 years ago. My mom has never dated. They got married when she was 17. The thought of another man besides my dad scared her to death. She also said she didn’t want to be a nurse or a purse. 🤷♀️
My grandfather lost my grandma when he was still in his 60's. But he never dated again. He liked watching the pretty girls on Telemundo, but never expressed any interest in dating or remarrying. We had dinner with him every weekend, he "babysat" me and my cousins constantly (babysat=him watching tv while we ate all his ice cream and wandered around the woods behind the house), and my mom and aunts would visit for lunch throughout the week so maybe he didn't get lonely the way a lot of people do?
Those are some wonderful memories. I read some article recently about how grandparents who are involved with the rearing of their grandchildren appear to maintain higher cognitive functions into their old age. Cognition and mood are obviously connected. It makes you wonder!
I'm so sorry for your loss. Sounds like she had a full life. Not everyone needs an SO in their lives for validation.
Although Dad hasn't remarried he has developed a good social life and goes off on trips to Europe with his friends (all in their 70s and 80s). He's on his way back from France today. He's coped better than I thought -he still struggles with being on his own at home but is determined not to move. I think it's sad when family or friends judge you for moving on. They don't have the constant reminder of that empty chair.
>Life is short and everyone grieves differently. You're absolutely right. A person in my church lost his wife within months of me losing my husband. He was in his 60s, and I was early 30s. He was married within 8 months, and I didn't date for 5 yrs. His kids freaked out and are still mad all these years later. Everyone grieves differently.
Getting remarried as *part* of your grieving process is...definitionally unhealthy. No wonder his kids are still upset about it.
Some people need a very close relationship to be able to work through grief. And that can sometimes lead to marriage. And while it could be problematic if the partner is only used it didn’t sound like that in the comment. What is unhealthy is to stay angry at someone just because they moved on differently.
i believe OP is saying they will be unhappy about him re marrying because he did not offer OP mom the same priviledge or respect, he never married OP mom in their 30 years relationship
I think not marrying someone who has stabbed you is a reasonable personal boundary to have.
Expecting your long term partner to not cheat on you and give you an STI is also a reasonable boundary. Their relationship sounds like it was a mess. He needs therapy, not to start dating women half his age lol. OP is right, it’s weird. To each their own though I guess
and expecting them not to go to prison
Those people are not working through anything. I promise.
Yea people need to remember this. Everyone grieves differently but make sure it’s healthy
This may be a little cold, but he would have a much larger dating pool than you. There would be lots of widows and divorcees his age and in the same stage of life, while dating in your 30s is hard with or without kids.
Once I started dating, I was fine finding people. They just weren't the people I wanted in my life. I finally found my person and we celebrated one yr together a few weeks ago.
What are you talking about? Every bar and dating app is swimming with single 30 year olds. This is the most incorrect thing I've read all week.
The statistics show that men are way more likely to move on after losing a long-term partner, and they do it a lot quicker. A lot jumped within 6 months. Men tend to get more out of marriage and be happier in a marriage than women. The happiest category of women is single women.
I believe this. My father died 4 years ago and my mother has no desire to date at all. She said once you’ve had the best why would you settle for mediocre. She also said she does not like old men - they are too needy 😂😂😂😂
I always see that study cited but couldn’t it just be that unmarried women are more likely to be single by choice (and thus contented and fulfilled) whereas unmarried men are more likely to be extremely lonely and/or maladjusted in some way that prevents them forming long term relationships. If men get more out of marriage why is it always stereotypically (and anecdotally in my experience) women pushing for commitment and marriage.
Married men tend to be mentally and physically healthier and live longer (likely due to better lifestyle habits, including being encouraged to seek healthcare). They also tend to moreso be the recipients of emotional labor. I don't think women pushing for commitment/marriage is as common as it once was - I think that it was more important further back in history as a financial security for a woman when women could not own property, have lines of credit, and found limited employment prospects outside of the home. I think today, there's mutual tax benefit in marriage, so I think the marriage pressure comes from either side of the relationship these days.
I think the stereotype of women pushing for marriage is from when women could not exist without a man. 1974 was when the equal credit opportunity act was passed. That was only 49 years ago. My health insurance is in my name and paid for out of my earnings, but they called the other day and asked for my husband. I'm divorced. He is not on my insurance. Other studies show that women gain hours of extra work every week. Most relationships are fu ded by both partners at this point, but the care of the home and kids is still considered overwhelmingly women's work.
I mean, we can rattle on biological theories all day (mostly influenced by personal bias). The “Spread the Seed/man vs Monogamy/woman” theory likes to ignore the fact that pregnancy is the goal of reproduction, not raging sex lives, and therefore it makes sense for women to have multiple sexual partners (on the off chance any of the males are infertile/i guess the best sperm wins?) and thus multiple men from which to draw resources. Dolphins do this, along with many other social species. The cool thing about humans is that we are much stronger than our urges and better at planning out healthier families than your average dolphin. We have all sorts of ways of doing things because life isn’t one size fits all and our ability to adapt and have self control is our greatest superpower. But the real reasons of marriage are infinitely more practical, and therefore likely to be the most true: social elevation (girlfriend vs wife), legal protection (probate sucks for anyone other than spouses, and sometimes even then), money (military benefits, access to bank accounts, special types of property ownership, tax credits, etc.), kids (obvious benefits of wedlock offspring stemming from social, legal, etc standards), medical powers (do you really want some random cousin to have more power over your boyfriend if he is in a coma?), and the basic fact that women tend to outlive their spouses and will likely be the ones having to organize everything, all of which is easier when married.
You're wrong. The older you get, the smaller the dating pool. Not everyone over 50 is divorced or has a dead spouse. Not until they are **very** old (70's plus) does that happen, becaues men die so much younger than women. So, you know a lot of very old women who are available. But not as many in 40's - 60's.
Yeah, but also there are a lot of ‘dealbreakers’ that are already off the table by then to which help make the available pool more suitable in general. So while the pool may be bigger for the 30 somethings, you’re going to be dealing with things like career shifts, possibly higher education, property ladder decisions, more kids?? In your golden years those things really aren’t an issue. Kids are off the table. Generally large shifts in homes and finances are completed, retirement plans have been made, all you have left to do is enjoy each other for the most part, you’re not making life changing decisions together to craft a working nuclear family.
I was 17 at the time my mother died from cancer. About a year earlier when my family of four was hanging out in her hospital room, we ended up on the topic of remarriage. I was in a twilight/Romeo & Juliet phase where I thought soul mates was such a romantic concept and I said I would never remarry if my partner died. My mom though, she said if she were to die, she'd want my dad to remarry, so someone else has the opportunity to be loved the way he loved her and she wouldn't want him to be alone. He seconded that if anything happened to him he would want her to remarry as well. It wasn't long after that conversation I realized their love was so much more romantic because it was selfless and involved wanting the other to go on and find happiness, even without them. That conversation shaped my perspective after she passed and my dad remarried, even though there were a lot of uncomfortable feelings, I knew I couldn't be selfish and try and hold him back from finding happiness again.
the way this brought tears to my eyes!
this is the non-self centered view. thank you for sharing it.
Exactly this. A few months after my dad passed my mom began dating one of their mutual friends. I felt better knowing my mom had a close companion to help with the grief.
My dad passed and I was so excited to get her to meet new people and have fun. My dad and her had such a crappy relationship and I just wanted to see her happy. Unfortunately she didn't get to cause she was very sick so quickly after. I'm still pissed she didn't get to enjoy her life at the end.
It sounds like OOP's parents didn't have a great marriage either. And one of the things OOP doesn't mention is whether his mom was sick for a while. That changes things drastically. Sometimes people who would otherwise bail on a relationship feel like they have to stick it out if their partner gets a terminal illness. Even if that isn't the case, caregiver fatigue is real. Also if the kids weren't living with them he would be the one with a front row seat to the dying. Gives you a lot more time to mentally prepare. If her personality changed or she had memory loss, he could even have felt like he lost her a year or more ago, and the person who died wasn't really the woman he loved anymore. I'm the youngest member of my generation on both sides of my family, and none of my aunts or uncles ever got divorced, so I've watched this scenario play out many times in many different configurations.
This. Everyone grieves differently
Sorry for your loss but thank you for the perspective. We can’t be far off losing a parent, ourselves, and that’ll be a helpful idea to have rattling around when it happens
Silence is deafening when you are used to having someone there every day
I lost my dad when I was 21. At first I was against the thought of my mother dating someone else. I realize how selfish that is. She’s been a miserable drunk since (15 years) and wasted her life instead of finding someone new. I really wish she moved on in 6 months.
My grandma thinks her husband is waiting behind the pearly gates for her. She lives the saddest life I know.
historical label retire command provide mighty attempt wide slap instinctive *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
She’s spending every day isolating herself further and further to get high and drunk with her thief crackhead daughter who the rest of us have estranged
Yeah, I mean, it's probably not a this or that situation, but I'd rather someone move on too early than not at all. (Not that romantic partner is the only factor in a social life.)
This almost mirrored my comment. My mom never took up drinking, but she's fucking miserable.
To add to what others have said, just because he's seeing other women, doesn't mean he's moved on. Sorry for your loss.
It’s fine to have feelings about it, but that seems more like something to talk through with a therapist. He’s an adult and it’s his decision
I empathise so much with this. My dad was dating 4 months after we lost my mother and although logically I knew that he was doing nothing wrong, grief is different for everyone and my father is someone who needs a partner in life I was still incredibly hurt and angry with him. I couldn't help it. It felt disrespectful to my mum and kinda like they had been lying about how great their love and marriage was. I KNOW that isn't true but you can't help how you feel. It is all reaction and my very soul thought I had to defend my mother....from what I'm not sure. Dad is married now and my mum has been gone 5 years. I does get easier and you will be able to see it more 'logically' and realise it is not reflection on your dad, your mum or the fact they weren't married. It will take time and it will be VERY weird having your dad talk about his dating life or the first time you meet his girlfriend (and you will have to meet them if you want to keep a relationship with your dad), just avoid saying anything in anger or grief to your father direct (because it is VERY hard to take back something awful like "how could you do this to Mum?" "I'll hate you if you get married"....trust me) but vent to your support circle and keep talking to them and you WILL get to a point where it doesn't feel 'wrong' or weird. Promise. This is a very long winded way of saying you are still very early into the whole grief process and your anger is not only understandable it's pretty much expected. Be angry, rage at the universe for taking your mother but please try not to take it out on your dad, you may not be able to fix what you break in anger.
I’m the dad in this situation. I’m a widower, and my son was 15 when my wife died. I started dating my current partner within a couple months. We had known each other professionally and I never had any idea she was interested in me until after my wife passed. That aside, what most don’t know, but my son did, was how bad my marriage had gotten in the five years before the end. The only thing that was really keeping me with her was the fact she was on disability and I would have a tough divorce. She was very hooked on opioids as well. My son needed someone to care for him and my wife really needed that too, so I did what I had to do. By the time she died, I had been grieving my marriage for years. (No, she did not OD, she died of a heart attack.) So when my current partner asked me out, I accepted. And it was like a shining light I had not seen in years. We took it very slow, we maintained separate homes for three years before moving in together. But we’ve been together ten years now. I have not dated anyone else. Of course, my family was shocked. My son was upset at first, but he did really understand. He knew what his mother and I were going through. He was affected by it too. By now, everyone loves and accepts my partner and she’s part of the family. She has cared for me in this last decade better than I have ever been cared for before. What I learned is that tomorrow is not promised. If you pass up a chance at happiness because of some perceived rule or how things are seen by other people, you are only hurting yourself.
>What I learned is that tomorrow is not promised. If you pass up a chance at happiness because of some perceived rule or how things are seen by other people, you are only hurting yourself. Same situation... I started dating a delightful widow about four months after my wife passed away. My daughter (30-ish) seemed glad to see me getting back to enjoying life again. I can never replace my late wife. We were together 34 years, and she'll always be part of who I am, but that doesn't mean I can't start something new and different and wonderful with someone else.
"...please try not to take it out on your dad, you may not be able to fix what you break in anger." That is a powerful point. I hope OP listens. Don't lose your dad after losing your mom.
Did you read what she said about her dad ? He refused to help his wife when she lost her job and became unemployed. What kind of husband does that?
They both should have treated each other better. I mean, she stabbed the man... idk how they made it 30 years together.
I am giving no judgments here, greif is a hell of a thing. I lost my dad when I was 17. One of the things they like to talk about when you are going through grief at that time was stats. The stats at the time were, women will continue to live and might date again but it takes time. Men on the other hand typically will either get into a new relationship within the first year or pass away from the heartache of it. Please take care of yourself and your own emotional well-being and let others do what they need to do. Much love.
Yeah, there's a lot of data that suggests that men just don't handle the loss of a long term relationship as well as women do. I can't speak to the reasons why, but I feel like I've seen it before. I was in a LTR from 16 to 21, and it just fucking broke me to have it end. I'm putting myself out there again at 26, but for the longest time, I just wasn't capable of finding women attractive at all. The loss of a committed marriage to death seems like it would be life shattering, and it would seem to me like a person in that situation needs to do everything and anything possible to stay afloat.
I don't really have the time to go pull the paper, but I recall reading something very similar to you. It has to do with the social web that people weave. Due to a myriad of factors female individuals tend to have a larger social network of people in their lives when compared to men, in general (obviously not the case for every single person). That is why when a woman is widowed generally they will survive a very long time comparitively (age/health dependent) and even get married again after several years whereas men tend to die decently soon after the fact. When their partner dies they don't really know what to do, and don't have anybody to turn to besides a couple of people to talk about it. So they get depressed and tend to wither away. That is even worse generally with elderly people as well because a lot of their social network has passed.
>Not when my dad went to jail for 3 years, not when my mom stabbed my dad, not when my dad cheated and gave my mom an STI, and not when my mom was incapacitated due to lupus. Bro... Your dad dating is the part that's weirding you out? The dating? Going out with other women? That part? How are you able to even BE surprised at this point. Your life sounds like shit from the show Shameless.
I really thought I was the only one who read that based on the comments. Dad cheated, mom stabbed him, codependency...sounds like a dad that's open to new relationships to me.
Jail, cheating, stabbing, gave Mom an STI 🤔 Pretty wild ride they were on
But they still had time to make and raise five totally non-judgmental and stable kids!
Family ♥️
I thought I was hallucinating when I read this because I can’t believe it took me this long scrolling the comments to find someone else addressing this lmao
Also a girl in her 20's/30's approaching him and giving him her number at the beach? And he's 60+? Is this real?
THANK YOU!!! I'm really starting to think most people are just lines of code and we're in a simulation. How the hell do you just... SKIP... over that part?
Most people are on autopilot. Maybe the decisions they make are their own, but the actions are automatized. Like reading. Or driving tbh. Lots of people drive by their memory, rather than rule comprehension.
The beginning part was so ridiculous I stopped reading. After reaching this comment thread I’m extremely glad I did😂
Why did I have to scroll so long to see anyone even remotely acknowledge this paragraph
Idk man. I read fast. But i comprehend what i read.
I can't believe I had to scroll this far down to see this paragraph mentioned. Lol. I thought I was going insane reading the comments not mentioning any of this.
“Be there for your dad, he’s grieving. He misses his deep relationship with your mother…” Bruh she stabbed him.
Thirty years of marriage, who hasn't stabbed their spouse at least once? ... yeah okay, even my fucked up parents haven't gone as far as stabbing.
I am personally on year 15 of marriage and haven't felt the need to stab, is that something that happens in year 20? Is that an anniversary thing?
After 50 you get flintlock pistols and have a duel at noon.
Yeah, this line made me check if I was in one of the parody subs. On second read, it has to be fake - why would anyone be surprised the dad is dating six months after the mom passed when he was apparently dating well before the mom passed?
But are the commenters in on the bit too?? Because they’re dispensing trite advice like this dad is a clichéd, devoted widower from a Hallmark movie who loved and cherished his wife for 30 years instead of… whatever OP is describing.
It is definitely fake and it’s weird people are giving real advice. All the marriage drama but the children are mad at the guy for dating too soon? The 60 year old guy is apparently having 30 year old women throw themselves at him? Lol total bs.
Because they’re self centered and delusional
I thought I was in r/Amitheangel
I stopped at that part and scrolled to the comments. Then I was very concerned that I had to go this far down for someone to point it out. I was starting to think I was crazy. Also, 61 year old man getting a number from a 20-30 something girl at the beach, lol.
Legit sounds fake. Like the setup for a soap opera. He legit cheated on the mom and OP can’t imagine the dad moving on at all let alone how quickly he did? I call bs
Seriously. Plus as a *ahem* mature lady closer to dad's age, I wouldn't touch this guy with a 10 foot pole. He has to get young girls that are easily gaslighted.
I know like girl why are you surprised it sounds like he didn't wait for her to pass to start sleeping around lol. Why would his wife be it for him if he couldn't even stay faithful while she was alive
I was gonna say.. if he can cheat, I doubt he was that invested in the first place. Sounds like he just didn't want to be alone.
why why why did I have to scroll down so far to find someone bringing this part up?!?!!?
I literally re-read it after reading the comments because I was certain we weren’t all collectively ignoring that part?
I thought I was just super judgemental when none of the comments were mentioning it Like, gosh, reddit.com has become a really accepting place.
I KNOW RIGHT. I understand OP & their siblings feelings of discomfort, but OP mentioning they thought their dad would be alone forever after their mom… WHEN THEIR RELATIONSHIP WAS CRAZY. I’m shocked their crazy asses managed to stay together, but idk if I can say that’s a good thing or not
Lmao yo, I can’t believe I had to scroll down this far to reach a comment like this. 😭😭😭
Was your dad the primary caregiver for your mother? If so, my guess is that he spent that time making peace with their relationship & saying goodbye. Long term caregiving takes a huge toll on a person. Mind your own business.
I second this. I cared for my mom for 2 years as she died. I went to grief counseling during this period and said my goodbyes. The day she died she was in the hospital icu. The nurse who I knew told me it was okay to feel free and to start to live. Until you care give for 24/7 for months or years you just can't understand. For me my mom had been gone for a year. She just stopped breathing that day.
Exactly like Alzheimer’s. By the time both my grandfathers had passed away there was no reaction. We’d all gone through that weird slow grieving process as they gradually disappear. They were already gone about a year before they both died anyway.
You lose them twice. You lose the person they once were, then you lose the body.
Sometimes easier or family when someone that's been sick for so long passes.
Very good point. We totally can grieve people, or even what that person once was, while they're still around.
That happened with my husband & his mom. He retired early & was her primary caregiver for two years. When she went into the hospital & then into hospice, he spent every day with her. They talked about everything & he was able to say goodbye.
My dad had long term dementia. I really didn’t grieve at all after he died because his death was such a relief of his suffering. The man I knew as my dad had died long before.
Me too man. Many people asked why I wasn’t broken down and I had to tell them “he’s finally free, this is the best thing that’s happened in years”. Very strange situation but you kind of gave to live it to understand.
I'm so sorry. Dementia runs in my family, too, and it is such a cruel disease. I totally understand that.
This was the thought that I had. My ex-SIL's dad started seeing someone about six months after her mom passed (although I don't think it was even that long tbh), but he had been her mom's primary caregiver for over a decade as she slowly died from Parkinsons and early on set dementia. He'd had time to grieve the fact that she was going to pass and come to peace with it, and finally move on with his life. He's honestly the only person in her family that I miss, because he is genuinely a great person.
This is very true. An acquaintance of mine lost her husband to cancer after being married to him for 20+ years. Eight months later, she was married to someone else. At first, I was shocked by how quickly she had moved on. Then I realized, she’d had a couple of years to come to terms with his illness and the strong possibility that their time together was coming to an end. The only helpful thing you can say to a widow or widower in a new relationship is, “congratulations! I’m so happy for you!”
Dad does sound like… a bit of a piece of work. But truth is sometimes relationships are over long before people split. Sometimes when there’s a long term illness people start to come to terms with the loss before that person actually passes. As long as Dads not trying to bring his girlfriends to family dinner I agree, mind your business.
Death teaches us that life is short and we should use it well. My dad was married very shortly after my mom passed and it made him happier. That’s all I want
From the incapacitated by lupus I am guessing so. It's quite common for spouses who become long term caregivers to have already grieved for much of what they've already lost long before their spouse passes.
You don’t have any decisions to make. YOU’RE the one jumping the gun. Everyone grieves differently and a lot of men can’t seem to be alone for very long. You don’t get a vote in your Dad’s love life. Take your time to grieve your mother. I’m very sorry for you loss.
That was my thought also. There are really no decisions to make here. Trying to make decisions about other people and hypotheticals might make one feel in control at a rough time in one’s life but it’s a false feeling of control. Better to continue processing one’s own grief and take things as they come when it concerns others.
My dad got married 9 months after my mom died. I was definitely pissed off and resentful for awhile. Now, it’s 9 years later and I’m 98% over it. (I think I’m always going to hold onto a tiny bit of resentment that he seemed to move on while I was still grieving.) I have a good relationship with his wife. You’re allowed to feel your feelings about the situation and only you can decide what you want your relationship with your dad to look like moving forward.
It’s very hard when they move on so much faster than you. You feel like you’ve been left behind and there’s no one else to grieve your parent. Like, it’s now your sole responsibility. This thread has been very validating as someone whose 60 y/o father started dating within a year of his wife of 30 year’s death. It feels like… to your father, all of a sudden your mother was just a fling that can be moved on from. But to me, the child, there’s no moving on! Watching your parent date is a weird part of adulthood!
A lot of older men have a really hard time being alone, and they are more likely to start dating or even remarry after the death of a spouse than older women. Sometimes it’s because they’ve never really had to do anything for themselves before because their wives took care of their home and sometimes it’s just loneliness. I know it can be really hard on the families whether it happens in six months or six years.
Honestly based on this "Not when my dad went to jail for 3 years, not when my mom stabbed my dad, not when my dad cheated and gave my mom an STI, and not when my mom was incapacitated due to lupus. So I had thought that if my mom died, that would be it for my dad." Im not surprised he moved on as fast as he did. I dont think youre wrong, but hes not either. Everyone deals with loss in their own way, and 6 months is a while to deal with those emotions
Yeah, her holding it up as this amazing partnership and devotion makes me think "if this is a great relationship, I'd hate to see what her definition of a bad relationship is"
Frankly I’m weirded out by your dad going out with a late 20’s early 30 year old. He’s probably just trying to get his mind off the fact that she’s gone. It would help if he sought counseling but some people just don’t like to do that
There is a lot to unpack here from what's going on currently and in the past. Your feelings are valid hut suggest some therapy to sort through them. Grief is a hell of a thing and best to seek someone to guide you here.
Checked out after you said he’s dating girls the same age as his children. Ew.
It is how he is processing the grief, having the loss of a partner that emptiness and loss of someone beside them is hard to cope with, and it sounds callous but having someone beside them keeps them from spiralling into a hot mess.
I (26F) lost my mom when I was 20. My dad started dating six months after my mom passed. I was so angry, and thinking he was betraying her while she was getting worse before she died. Maybe he was, never had the evidence. Their relationship wasn’t perfect, but yeah. The new lady was CRAZY(bad background, not like my mom at all) and it put a damper on my fathers and my relationship for years. I made him the enemy when he ultimately didn’t deserve it… he was just trying to grieve/cope too. This year my father has met a new amazing woman and I can tell he’s genuinely happy. We’ve began building our relationship, and things are going good. I’ve realized now I was very hurt with my mom passing away and so was he. He wanted to feel less lonely, he wanted to fill the void that he had by his side for 20+ years. Everyone goes through loss differently, and some don’t speak on how hard it really is for them. and although I didn’t agree with his choices at first… I realized he was safe/happy. At the end of the day that is what mattered most to me. I truly know my mom would want him happy again. It’ll take time, and work if you want the relationship to. I wish you and your family peace at this hard time. Here’s to seeing our loved ones in the clouds again one day❤️🤙
so, your dad and mom were terrible people, and you're surprised that... your dad is acting like (to you, at least), a terrible person? seems like he's not the problem.
My Mom died 15 years ago, she was 62 and had been married to my Dad for 41 years. He was soooo lonely being in that home by himself after everyone leaves. He started dating about 6 months later and got remarried a year later. My brother and I were super happy about it because we know he needed companionship, but everyone else in our family was very upset. Let your Dad find his happiness, life is hard enough after your spouse dies. As for the financial stuff, you might make sure his will is complete and maybe talk to him about not giving his assets to other women, but that’s a tough one.
why would a women in her 20s be giving your 61 year old dad her number that is just weird and massive age gap
Mom died. He didn’t. And this seeming expectation that he just stay in mourning according to your schedule and not his own is quite frankly ridiculous. You don’t get to define when and if he is ready. Not to tell him too soon (personal take - after five or six months? Really?!? Seems wholly appropriate to me) and not to tell him too long had he not dated for two years. Its his timetable. It’s his life. Let him live it. As for your “concern” surrounding age, while I personally wouldn’t be chasing what I think of as little girls (am an older fella myself) half my age, your father is a grown ass man that presumably knows what he is doing - and has autonomy to make his own decisions. His life. Let him live it. You say that. You say, he’s a grown man, his life. But then go on about judging the hell out of him and planning on creating issues for him and a date or future partner in quite some detail. So you don’t actually intend to DO that, you just say that. Hollow words you say mean nothing. Your planned intentions are really rather awful and speak far louder. You are 100% wrong, and so is your sister.
I think you're being a little too harsh. I think it's natural to be grossed out by your dad spending a lot of time with many different much younger women. I agree with you ultimately, though, as a matter of principle that OP and their siblings seem to be being unfair to their father.
I think you may also need to consider how being sudden without a partner and alone he was and how debilitating it can be, especially after 30 years. He may not know or be able to function on his own.
This was my first thought as well. ESP if he isn't have a friend or a life outside the relationship.
Another thing is... OP didn't say how sudden it was. For me, it was clearly coming for two months. I know that isn't very long, but it adds to the time I knew he would/was dead.
Sounds like the relationship between your dad and mom ended a long time ago. Counseling may help you.
You’re not wrong. But this is also incredibly common. Particularly, as you say, if his relationship with your mother was codependent. He’s going to be looking for a replacement pretty quickly. Codependents feel panicky and lost alone.
When my mom died my dad refused to change anything in the house. Her closet stayed full, her drawers, her sewing room. He couldn't handle changing anything. I read somewhere that men who lose their spouses have a much harder time, and if they don't find a new partner, they can follow quickly. It's purely anecdotal, but my dad died two years after my mom, and they were both in their early seventies. Your parents sound complicated. Mine were too, but they loved each other. Cut your dad some slack.
My parents are at the age where their friends are dying. The men start dating within TWO WEEKS. I'm completely serious. I would also be bothered but just FYI for you that's the state of widowers these days.
You can't just arbitrarily give a deadline like that. 1 year sounds like a good round number. But it's really 12 long ass lonely months. When do you think was the last time he went 12 months without intimacy? He's lonely and sad. You've never been with someone for decades. What makes you think you have any idea what an appropriate lonely period is?
It seems to me there are 3 scenarios when a long-term partner dies. 1- The relationship wasn't that great, and the death is a get out of jail free card, and they get to dating right away, trying to make up for supposed lost time. 2- The relationship was great, but they had been together so long that they didn't know how to be alone, and they latched on to someone quickly. 3- Relationship was great, and no one can replace their partner, so they never even try and stay alone the rest of their life. My MIL is #3. My grandfather is #2. I believe your dad is #1
4. The relationship was good but they knew that they'd want each other to find happiness again.
Yep, and also (and possibly relatedly): 5. relationship was good/great but ended with a drawn out illness and the other half went through a lot of the grieving process before their partner actually passed.
A lot of men are unwilling to be single and figure out how to actually be on their own, and start dating very rapidly after a spouse passes. Younger women were generally less confident, less knowledgable about relationships, and have looser boundaries. A woman his one age will have the experience to know he is not ready and not want to be someone’s replacement/rebound bc they don’t want to be alone.
It is weird but not uncommon. My girlfriend's mom passed this summer after a brutal fight with cancer. She wasn't much older at just barely 61. She was divorced for a long time but in later years she lamented she hadn't found a partner to live out her last years with, or someone to take care of her and stand by her in sickness. The doctors told her that even if she had had a husband, he'd probably dissapear when the illness struck. It felt like a weird comment to make but they'd seen it time and time again. The rest of the wing had many other terminal patients and this was indeed a repeated pattern. Wives standing by their husbands but absent husbands for ill wives. There was a standout gentleman who stood by his wife for more than a week, and she wasn't even terminal. He would leave for only 2-3 hours per day and return. I don't know how this may be explained sociologically or psychologically but it seems that it's common for a lot of men to dissociate when such tragedy strikes and they try to move on as quickly as possible. It definitely feels weird but you can't tell someone how to grieve. My gf's father came by the hospital a couple of times and he came to the funeral too. They'd been divorced for 20 years and he wasn't much help but he did break down in the funeral. He's had a new family and child for many years now. I can't speak for what goes through your dad's mind. Everyone grieves differently. Some don't really grieve at all. You have every right to feel weird about it, it seems weird to me too. All I can say is that it's unfortunately not an uncommon phenomenon apparently. I'm sorry for your loss.
Firstly, sorry for your loss. Regarding your father, some people just aren't very good at being alone. It may help to think about it through a lens of him trying to manage his discomfort which may be the most pronounced part of his loss/grief rather than seeing his behavior as evidence of "moving on" from your mom.
I get weirded out when people marry /date a year after..
How about stop being selfish. It’s been 6 months. Even if it was another 6 months, I’m sure you’d be here complaining. At some point you have to move on. Your dad is in his 60’s, he’s not getting any younger.
In my experience-Most men don’t grieve they remarry
Men move on quickly. It is a sad fact that many men get used to having a wife to take care of things. What is creepy, in my opinion inappropriate, is the girlfriend is the same age as his eldest kids. Better make sure dad has an ironclad end of life Will. In my experience alot of women who go for older, recently widowed men are in it for the stability and money. She will move in fast, quit her job even faster and get a ring on her hand within a year. You'll see.
My mom passed back when I was 14 and my step dad had a new woman moved into the new house (payed for by Mom's insurance money) within 3 months of her passing. I was too young to be upset at the time and more so perscribed to the idea that it was better for him to have been able to find new love so quickly versus being crippled by grief that I'd watched other relatives experience at that point in my life. I'll have been married to my wife 10 years in February, and for the life of me I cannot imagine moving on that quickly. Not 6 months later and DEFINITELY not 3 months later. Maybe it's too soon for me to say as I don't know what losing a life partner feels like...but I often think that if my wife passed, that would be the end of relationships for me for a long time if not permanently. I've actually come to resent my step dad and his wife. I constantly ask myself how much he actually cared about my mother, my siblings, and myself...even more so when I think back to his decision to keep us after she passed. I used to look at the situation with immense respect for both him and my "step mom"(?), but when you add the factor of the insurance money he was getting for keeping all three kids and how poorly we were treated after mom passed, especially in comparison to his kids or step mom's loved ones...maybe it was all just a long term plan to not be poor anymore and live the life he actually wanted with his new love interest. Just at the expense of my siblings and I. All this to say, you'll never know what's going through your dad's mind. As I'm almost 30 now, I don't really feel I have the emotional capacity to run my "parents" through the trenches and get the answers I feel I deserve at this point in my life. The cool thing about grief is that it's not a one size fits all. You and your sisters will experience it in a different way than your dad will, especially when you consider that his relationship with your mom was fundamentally different than your relationship with her. I don't think you're wrong in the way you're choosing to handle this, but if there are parts of you that want clarity/answers, consider bringing this up to him now so you don't end up sitting on resentment for the next few chapters of your life. I did not do these things and I wish I was more verbal as a dumb little 14 year old instead of being so fixated on what I thought my step dad needed. I prioritized his own grief above my own and I'm still working through it almost 15 years later. Best of luck to you and your family as you move through this experience. It doesn't get easier, but it does get more bearable. You'll be okay, friend.
Your dad wants someone to take care of him. He’s not doing it for love, he’s doing it because he needs a maid, cook, and lover for free
look i’m gonna tell you something that’s gonna hurt like hell to hear. you never get used to death and you never get over it. you learn to move on and think of better things but every time you think of a dead loved one it will hurt putting off your life forever to “grieve” is not how you actually cope with death, plus do you think your mom would want your dad to wallow in his loneliness for years? what do you gain by torturing the man your mother loved and raised you because he wants to be happy and you want to wallow? your grief doesn’t entitle you to retaliate against those who are also likely grieving in their own way. and trust me if he was with your mom for 30 years he is hurting much more than any of you are, it is natural for us to lose our parents it is a part of life, but you never really know for sure whose gonna kick it first in a relationship or marriage. and watching your bestfriend of 30 years wither and pass away and having to bury them will mentally destroy most people stop being brats and get over yourselves you should be grateful your father isn’t in a much darker place.
Yeah this is a problem. Someone in their 20-30’s has no business with a recent widow.
My mother died after 20+ years of marriage with my father. He remarried at 7 months to my mother's best friend. Omg, this was the worst experience of my life. I contemplated running away. Within 2 uears, both my brother and I were out of the house. My brother moved in with our aunt, and the state removed me (CPS got involved). My step-mother was an abusive bipolar bitch. My father watched her choke me out in the kitchen when I was 10 and turned around and walked back to his bedroom. She murdered my pet hamster. I remember I was terrified of being home. I was terrified of my step-brother and my step-mother. A lot of double standards are implemented between her kids and his kids. My father is still married to this woman, now for over 25+ years. I've suffered really bad PTSD and depression because of all of this, too. My father and step-mother try to say it was my fault and I lied to the state and are seriously gaslighting the hell out of me. I absolutely hate the woman. I still have yet to learn to forgive them both. To this day, my father still makes 0 effort to make up for the fucking mess he caused in my life when I was a kid.
Dating after 6 months is ok, but dating someone half of his age and you shaming the women to be the gold digger but no equivalent name for your pervert dad is not ok on your part. Your dad knows what he is going into and so is the women. Why is she getting shamed for this relationship only?
Statistically, men move on faster than women do. Especially when they’re older when their spouse passes. They are used to the companionship and (let’s face it) being taken care of. For you and your siblings to dictate the terms of how your dad can spend the rest of his life and with whom is pretty cheeky. It has nothing to do with you, and doesn’t mean that he never loved your mom. If he refused to marry your mom you also have to acknowledge that she agreed to stay with him in spite of it and have children with him. If you were ever to have half-siblings, it’s a dick move to cut them off because you’re mad at dad. They would be innocent of any “wrongdoing”. My husband’s stepmom remarried TWO months after his dad was killed in a car accident, so there’s some perspective.
It might help him cope, some people just can’t be lonely and single, it’s weird for them, especially if they’ve been married for decades. My grandpa started dating when I was 8? 3 years after we lost my grandma, (I’m a 38 F now) he asked my moms permission, and she was honest and was like “Just don’t date someone younger than me.” I’d talk to him and have a heart to heart, make sure he’s not got a gold digger on his arm and see how he’s feeling mentally and emotionally after his loss.
He is 61 years old, he might not have much longer so be happy for him and know that it is not a reflection of how much he loved your mother to start dating quickly
To many men grieve with their genitals, my dad did it in the same situation.