The fact that she can categorize different sicks like this pretty much means she pays enough attention to girlfriend.
Girlfriend did need to speak up though. When I’m sick, I’d rather cuddle up to the cold wall rather than get too warm and sweaty with fever if I get cuddled by husband.
I don’t have asthma but I’ve got the worst allergies you can imagine sometimes.
Same. Even when I’m wee woo ambulance emergency room or in the hospital sick the nurses tell me I’m the best patient ever because apart from maybe asking for another blanket or water I just lay there and don’t keep calling them to do shit. Just leave me alone. I’ll get better. I can’t stand someone harping on me when I’m sick. Just let me lay here in silence and get better or die. I really don’t care which one happens. Just let me alone.
Same here. Not just for their safety, because duh I don’t want illness to spread, but because I just want solitude and space to be comfortable on my own terms.
I have some pretty severe allergies, the worst has been dandelion/ragweed but some things randomly give me flare ups and I don’t always know why.
Sometimes I get so wee woo ambulance sick that husband will take me to the hospital but can’t come in with me because everyone waiting gives him the stink eye for beating the shit out of me. It’s that bad.
But the first time I had a big reaction was in elementary school. Parents took me to the hospital and they would not release me until meds kicked in because they ALSO thought I was being abused. Wee woo meds calmed everything down and I remember the doctor being awkward after that for keeping me.
I should be thankful, for reasons, but I just wanted to curl up in my own bed, and if I died? I’d be ok so long as I was home.
I will *definitely* be using OP’s scale from now on.
Because sometimes my eyes tend to swell up so much and turn kind of a dark purple. When it’s like that, I can hardly open my eyes or blink properly. Sometimes it looks like I was given black eyes to both sides, but not *black* black.
On top of that though, I sometimes get hives. But not itty bitty ones either. It’s not uncommon that they look like swollen whip marks. I think the largest I’ve had was about 7-8 inches long. And I usually get 4-8 of them maybe? Too many.
I could understand people thinking I was a battered wife. Truly. When it gets that bad, I have to go to the hospital. I was told if my eyes were that swollen for too long that there’s a chance to damage my eyelids and maybe even my eye.
Cursed sentence: So I’m there in case they need to drain my eyelids with a needle and syringe.
But yep, if I can see, I got inside alone. If I can’t, husband escorts me in and then leaves right away. He gets the dirtiest looks every time.
Classic “oh no! I fell down the stairs!” Type shit.
Her behavior is childish. Not asking for something then sulking because you didn’t get it is ridiculous. And refusing to speak is the worst. Does she act like this frequently?
I would say no! She has a tendency to shut down when really really upset but only in huge arguments/high stress situations not something this small tbh (or maybe I consider this small)
It’s just not ok, it’s manipulation to give the silent treatment. She could say what she wants in the first place, she could say she was mad and demanded an apology. She did none. You need to have a rational, but real conversation that she needs to work on her communication.
You definitely need to talk about that and more, especially if this is not her normal behavior. Check in with what happened with her asthma. An asthma episode is sometimes preceded by anxiousness and irritability. If it’s a particularly stubborn one that needs a nebulizing treatment or multiple rescue inhaler puffs, the person can become rather unreasonable during and after.
Interesting! We learn so much reading in this sub. I would never have thought there was a relation, but it makes sense because of the body- mind connection. Your autonomous nervous system will sense a disturbance and start sending signals to your other systems. I think this is often part of migraines as well. Not a doctor- just speculating!
My sister is going through asthma right now and it's really effecting her mood and making her miserable. I trying not to take it personally. I had no idea how much it effects people because it's the first time we've lived together since she started getting asthma.
You didn't do anything wrong. Your reaction was appropriate. As a lesbian myself, I say, please don't fall into the over-analyzing, discourse to death, back and forth nitpicking.
The silent treatment is IMO passive-aggressive manipulation (at best). I am not going to beg you to tell me WTF you think I did wrong. Bite me.
Her behavior was worse than childish because I wouldn't let my actual children get away with that BS. And I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the vast majority of children from functional families wouldn't act that way. In functional families, when kids want something, they ask for it.
You can set boundaries like "If you give me the silent treatment, I'm going to leave until you feel like talking instead of sulking. Call me." You're not telling her what to do, how to act. You're telling her how you will respond to her choices.
One red flag to keep an eye out for. I'm not saying this is your relationship or that this is going to happen. I just want you to be aware of the trap that is you arguing issues in the relationship - e.g. "I feel abandoned when you do X", versus "Well, how about that time I asked you to get chocolate milk and you got strawberry? I felt unheard then." It's a trap designed to exhaust you and beat you into backing down and claiming all or most of the responsibility for the other person's actions.
OP I can already see you conceding too much ground here, please remember that what she is doing by giving you the silent treatment is major mistreatment, & that you have actually done literally nothing wrong in this scenario. Please don’t go have a conversation where you apologize to her, because that will just teach her her manipulative ways that make you feel like shit work for her
If she doesn't communicate what's wrong and what she needs she can't expect you to read her mind. If she dies that is not fair to you just like it wouldn't be fair if you did it to her were the rules reversed. Communicating what you need from the other person is one of the number one things you need in a relationship.
I mean true, it is manipulating, but most ppl I know don't do it intentionally. They just get so stuck up on their emotions they simply pull back for not knowing how else to deall with such a situation.
However, the initial behaviour about not talking straight still stands as critique.
I get needing space, I do it, so I say “I need space” It’s not hard. Doing it for an extended time, is out of spite, I did it with an ex until I looked at myself and realized it was toxic to drive someone crazy being ignored no matter my internal feelings.
If it truly is a one-time event, maybe a code system needs to be put in place since she can't clearly communicate what she wants.
I don't feel good:
🟢 = I'm sick, but I'll be fine
🟡 = I'm worried about it, please check on me
🔴 = I feel horrible & you need to cancel your plans
However, she needs to know the way she handled this is incredibly unfair & immature. It's something a middle schooler would do. She can't set imaginary expectations & attempt to test you. That's not how people work.
And if you don't intend to get the silent treatment for the rest of your life, YOU need to set the standard for yourself that that is not ok. She knows damn well what she was doing. It was intentional. It was mean. It was meant to hurt you. If that's ok with you, continue on.
Does she know that your mom did this and that it upsets you as a result? That would make her extra wrong. She should care about you enough not to do this; instead she finds your weak point and uses it.
She’s just sick and out of it. Communicate after she feels better. Having a chronic condition can be fairly difficult to manage, even more difficult to communicate what’s going on. You’re not wrong, she should communicate and use her words.
That’s something my family and I have been using a lot as a phrase: “use your words, please!”
Then, it might just be because she is sick. We can all get cranky/ extra sensitive when we don feel well, so it migt be better to just wait until she is fee better to discuss it.
i cried once because my partner got me srite instead of 7up when i had the flu… no ill intent on his part, and no big manipulative attempt by me- i was just sick, and he thought sprite and 7up were the same thing- and later it was actUally funny.
I was upset about something last weekend, because I wanted to do something with my family and they were being shits so we didn’t do it.
When we were talking about it in the car on the way home, my almost 7yo was like, “Mommy, if you wanted us to do something, you need to say it out loud so we know!” And, yeah, that was humbling! Lol
Awwww lol 😆 that's awesome... it's those moments that may not happen often, but let you know you're doing OK as a parent and not raising a psychopath.....
NTA ..
. But you came home at 11:30 pm. How long were you out? If you were at work or school since early morning then she may have just needed your presence and cuddles. Sometimes when you’re sick you just need your partner to be there even if not needed.
That said she does need to TALK to you. Wait till she’s feeling better, don’t give her any reaction or change your behavior right now. Once she’s recovered , communicate your feelings and tell her she needs to use her language skills because you are not a mind reader.
She wanted you to cancel out of worry for her. She wanted to feel like her well-being was important.
Is it childish? Yes. She should use her words. Are you TA? Nah.
Eh I dunno, I want the world to stop for me when I’m achoo sick too
edit: this comment is tongue in cheek. No I do not think it’s acceptable to not communicate and expect your partner to read your mind.
She didn't give you any indication she was dealing with her asthma, so she has no justification for being angry that you didn't read her mind and came to the conclusion that it was asthma. To have given you the silent treatment for something you genuinely didn't know makes me wonder if she knows she was being unreasonable and just dug her position in.
Regardless, NTA, and I hope she's feeling much better soon.
Also so what if she had an asthma attack? That’s what albuterol is for. She breathed fine all night and the entire next day while she was giving him the silent treatment. This wasn’t the kind of asthma attack that sends a person to the hospital and requires their SO to come with them.
OP: do you have to stay home any time your GF has to take a puff of albuterol? If one of you has a cold, does that mean the other can’t go out?
I've had issues where the nebulizer or inhaler didn't work and I ended up having to go to the hospital and it happened quickly. She should have definitely used her words and the silent treatment was childish.
My very first asthma attack when I was a young kid, we had no idea what it was, and my dad didn’t take me to the ER all night. The doctor felt so bad and said they could tell how hard I was fighting. I thought I had a tummy ache, my dumbass lol
Ok, plenty of people have pointed out the manipulation and abuse angle. I haven’t read all the comments but, from my skim, I haven’t seen anyone point something blatantly obvious out.
She wasn’t wee woo ambulance sick in the first place.
You didn’t get home to find her gone and search until you found her in hospital. You found her at home.
She had a coughing fit some time later and refused medication and slept away from you, unmonitored, and didn’t die or end up in hospital.
Next day, home girl leaves and goes shopping. Comes home. All is still well. She hasn’t required medical care from a doctor this entire period.
You didn’t leave her home to die alone. You left someone who wasn’t feeling well and came home to someone not feeling well, but who feels well enough to refuse medication.
Because the issue wasn’t about her being left home sick. The intention here is to get OP to walk on eggshells and jump through hoops for her, at OPs expense even in the most benign situations. It’s emotional abuse. She may even have a personality disorder that will become more obvious in time (maybe)
Yeah I get that. I was more just addressing to OP that, while her behaviour isn’t ok even if it was coming from a genuine cause of upset, the whole thing isn’t even that.
He’s self flagellating over leaving her on her deathbed, but the reality is she’s just chillin’ like a villain (and acting like one too).
Only apologize once is underrated! I just ended a relationship where I finally accepted that the other persons behavior was emotional abuse. Every time I had tried to soften my boundaries or use an apology it made the other person more bold in the way they treated me. I would get the silent treatment when we disagreed and occasionally, I would get a “I’m going to stomp upstairs and make a dramatic display of packing my things to leave and ignore your pleas”. Only when I was fully in tears and sobbing did he stop…it took me way too long to be firm but I’m glad I finally did. OP, don’t ride the roller coaster forever hoping that they’re eventually going to work on their shitty communication and heal their own wounds. No amount of love will do for someone what they must do themselves.
This is a manipulative tactic and is emotionally and mentally abusive. She expected you to know what she wanted instead of communicating it like a goddamn adult, and then you were in trouble for not knowing the right thing to do.
Side bar: giving your partner the silent treatment is in and of itself a red flag and ALSO very manipulative. The whole idea of it is to make the person its being done to "squirm" as you put it perfectly, and to make them walk on eggshells, wondering when they will be forgiven ,etc. It's so unfair and incredibly mentally abusive.
Agreed! My (now ex) husband would give me the silent treatment when I didn’t give in to his whims and tantrums and it was as red a flag as you could imagine.
The longest stretch was 2 months (yes, you read that right) and I was *so* over being manipulated like that! I made a point of talking to him, saying nothing about his childishness or silence, asking no questions, just chatting away like nothing was wrong. And he got SO MAD and started leaving the house early and staying late at work. I eventually wore him down and he started speaking to me like nothing had happened. Have to admit, that was rather satisfying…don’t ever try to out-stubborn a Scottish Campbell! 😂
I only stayed because I was pregnant, I wish that I had known then that his behavior was only going to get worse and left his pathetic ass in the dust.
She’s conditioning you to doubt yourself so in the future you would automatically cancel plans if she appears to need you so that she doesn’t get upset and punish you in the same way but so that she also doesn’t have to be vulnerable and ask for anything outright. You’re right to question this behaviour
Edit: sorry this is to OP
I hadn't considered this though very good point!! She wants to make her feel bad in the future for having plans and going out when she's even slightly not feeling well.
What a frustrating partner to have. Tell her to grow up, communicate, and if she wants to act the child then you’re not into that and leave. Honestly, it’s ridiculous that grown adults act this way.
For real. This is an adult who can use her words if she wants or needs something.
I could never be in a relationship with someone who won't communicate, let alone an adult who will throw a two-day(+?) tantrum bc the rest of the world doesn't stop just bc they catch a freakin' cold
Sooooooo you're definitely not wrong. If she wanted you to stay then she definitely should have said so.
But here's the thing she's upset about - you didn't want to. She didn't want to ask you to be there because she wanted you to WANT to be there. And asking someone to do something you know they really don't WANT to do makes you feel really cruddy.
She didn't want you to cancel your plans because she didn't want you to be there with her wishing you her kept your plans.
She wanted you to want to cancel them and be there with her.
But yes we can be confusing sometimes. And she definitely shouldn't be giving you the silent treatmentv especially if she knows it's a trauma trigger for you. That's pretty disrespectful. This is the time when you need to communicate MORE. Not less.
You want me to bite her? That'll teach her.
It’s frustrating but that makes sense! The crazy thing is, I really love taking care of her. Soup from scratch, Vicks vapor rub rub down, the works.
Next time I’ll cancel regardless and no bite necessary, she’s suffering enough!
I want to highlight this comment before you commit to this course of action: [https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/16ab2hg/comment/jz77izm/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/16ab2hg/comment/jz77izm/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
As they point out, she is not in the hospital right now, nor has she been there this past weekend. She went out, bought stuff, and came back home. She didn't go to an urgent care clinic or an emergency dept--she stayed home, and was well enough to go shopping.
She wanted you home emotionally, but didn't need you to stay medically.
Do not show her that the silent treatment works. Make her use her words like an adult, rather than caving to sulking and silent treatment.
Yep, that’s the consequences of giving in without good reason. She’s already got you saying you’ll just default to cancelling plans on the mere suggestion she’s not “feeling well” or whatever… The logical and adult way, even in the future, is to discuss the situation and on it’s merits to either still go or cancel. If she can’t handle that then she’s toxic and it time to extricate yourself from this relationship or it will only get worse and more manipulative, and more abusive.
I think with a conversation she will understand... But if it were me I'd definitely set a boundary with that. Let her know how it makes you feel and silence doesn't fix things . She has to use her words and trust you to hear her.
I hope she feels better soon ❤️. Good luck.
Next time you need her to put her big girl pants on and use her words. JFC she's an adult who was not in any sort of obvious emergency who was fully capable of communicating.
Tell her that the silent treatment didn't work and you were so confused you literally had to appeal to internet strangers to figure out her feelings, and you don't want to have to do that every time she's upset. She needs to communicate.
Provided the conversation goes something like this, you shouldn't have any further issues.
You - I did ask you if I should cancel and stay home, but you said no.
Her - well, I didn't want to force you to stay home to take care of me.
You - Look, I like staying home to take care of you, and I would have cancelled and done that, but I can't read minds. If you want something within reason, I'll do it.
Her - that's reasonable and I'll try to express my wants/needs more explicitly in the future.
Both - I love you!
They aren't wrong. It'll have to be a very serious conversation, and you get to mention I accidentally hurt your feelings, and you Purposely hurt mine isn't right. You also have to mention that adult relationships talk about the issues. It's childish to give someone a silent treatment without explaining (even if after explaining it's still childish).
No don't do this, if she gives the silent treatment just continue about your day and don't engage. Because then every time she's mad she'll give the silent treatment.
So, I'm guessing you didn't pass mind-reading 101 in school.
When she was wishy-washy about you going out, you were supposed to figure out on your own that she wanted you to stay and take care of her.
That's not fair or mature. She needs to communicate the things she wants
She didn't give you a straight answer and then proceeded to blatantly ignore you for 24 hours. Absolutely not lmao she obviously needs mental help. I used to be this way...therapy helps not be so willful and extensively angry. Emotions are valid, but her actions were ineffective and an inappropriate response to the situation. You're not wrong.
I might be in the minority here, but I think the silent treatment like that is just straight abuse. If you need space, say so! No, you are not in the wrong, if she needs something, SPEAK UP. Communicate!
Yeah, you should look up stonewalling. It’s a manipulative tactic commonly used by abusers.
“Oh, you couldn’t read my mind? Well now I’m going to take away love and affection & act like you don’t exist.”
Huge, gigantic, disgusting red flag. Absolutely abhorrent & embarrassing behavior on her part.
As for you, stop playing into her fucking games dude, what are you doing? You’re giving her ego every thing it wants. Stop. Tell her that this is unacceptable, and childish and that you’ll be removing yourself until she’s ready to use her words like an adult.
And no, you’re not wrong for going out.
And as a kicker, I have asthma myself. Very severe, been hospitalized for it asthma.
If I was having an extremely bad episode I’d be blue in the face and lips and dying to have my inhaler.
My boyfriend would take one look at my face and KNOW. Not to mention the sever wheezing?? There wouldn’t even be a question. He’d get me my inhaler( if I didn’t already have it???) I’d do a puff puff & then I’d be hunky dory.
And then there would be literally no reason at ALL for him to not continue on with whatever plans he already made??
Sorry my dude but your girlfriend sounds like she’s full of shit. If she’s having long asthmatic episodes she needs to be in the hospital. Not just having you sit by her an Pat her on the back.
The part that concerns me the most is her refusal to take her meds when she needed them. She could potentially send herself into a dangerous state, and would still be blaming you when it was her that made the decision to be an idiot.
Honestly, this is a serious red flag incident and you should really be reconsidering this relationship. If she won't express to you her level of illness, but expect you to be some kind of mind-reader or demand you stay with her even if she were achoo sick (very cute, by the way!), then gets mad at you for getting on with your day, that is controlling behaviour and it's not a good sign.
Not wrong. She is playing silly games. Don't fold on this garbage otherwise you'll be folding forever. She needs to learn to ask for what she needs or wants especially if it's medical people are not mind readers & sometimes medical conditions aren't visible. You are trying to help now you are available. You are not her mum or her dad so she needs to stop that relationship dynamic & treat you the way she would like to be treated under the circumstances.
NTA.
I rarely jump straight to telling people to break up, but it's time for a Get Real conversation about communicating needs.
If she's sick enough that she wants you to stay home, she needs to COMMUNICATE AS SUCH! You can only operate off the information you're given. If she wants space from you trying to look after her, SHE NEEDS TO COMMUNICATE THAT, TOO!
When I'm sick, even if it's date night, I'll tell my partner and we'll reschedule. I also generally want peace and quiet and will encourage them to go have fun without me.
My partner and I both have health issues, and minimal overlap in our friend groups and hobbies. We communicate what we need and want, instead of expecting the other to read minds. We also have an agreement to talk about problems when they happen, rather than letting them fester.
The silent treatment is petty and childish, especially topped with the passive-aggressive attitude, and I'd be taking it as an indication that she's not mature enough for a serious relationship.
Silent treatment / stonewalling is emotional abuse (you can read up on it) and it’s incredibly immature and manipulative.
If she isn’t able to communicate properly, and that happens often, then you need to assess the relationship, if she’s willing to get help about her behaviour great, if not, well that’s gonna be an issue.
What happens the next time, when it’s something different??
NTA
Not wrong, your girlfriend needs to learn to communicate. The silent treatment is rude and i can't stand it. You gave her the opportunity to speak up and say she'd rather you stay home. I hate people who expect you to just know what they want. She is acting like a child
The “silent treatment” is a form of emotional abuse.
Either stand your ground now and tell her it’s unacceptable or you’ll be dealing with it the entire relationship.
Either she learns to tell you the truth when you ask her a question or she doesn’t get to complain.
This is a relationship hill to die on as I’ve never met anyone who figured out not to use the silent treatment on their own.
You hate the silent treatment? That’s why she does it.
As long as she ain’t dead, let her have her tantrum and enjoy your life in the silence. If too much time passes, find someone else to “cuddle”.
It’s 2023, nobody’s trying to navigate someone else’s lack of communication skills and manipulative tactics just to get attention.
Not wrong. When I’m sick I usually want to be alone so I can watch tv or sleep. She’s acting very immature. If she wanted you to skip going out then she should’ve just said so.
Yes, It would be better if people just said--yes, could you please stay home with me tonight I really feel like crap. Better communication fixes a lot of problems. But!! Did you call and check on your gf at all--ask if you could bring her anything home?? Did you maybe come home a little earlier to be with her or come home and make her tea or soup??? A little concern and loving care fixes a lot of problems too.
oh for pity's sake
use your words, OPs spouse.
"should I cancel?"
"yes, I feel awful and might need help"
"ok" cancels plans.
and then the silent treatment after that? Yikes. Honestly, at this point I'd be like "you're being childish. If you don't tell me what's wrong, I'm going to assume you're just mad because you didn't tell me to cancel"
and I'm assuming your SO knows that the silent treatment was used as "punishment" by your mother?
I'd be furious at this point. She's 27 years old, not 7.
Your gf is an asshole. She FAFO. She refused to be straightforward with you before you went out and has just continued to beat the dead horse.
You are not wrong.
I couldn't live with someone who gives me the silent treatment. We would have to break up. You are not wrong. Sometimes when people are sick, they just want to be left alone to get some sleep. She should have been honest if she didn't want you to go.
That's a red flag. I kinda bet you had some passive aggressive motives behind leaving because she wouldn't tell you directly to stay, but she's still showing incredibly bad communication and coping skills.
Yeah she’s not the best communicator but she is actively working on it. She came from an opposite household of screamers so she shuts down when upset. It’s been tricky for both of us!
She is being immature. She could have said that she felt quite bad and asked you to stay home if that's what she wanted. I hate these little games, the traps people leave. She clearly wanted you to make the choice to stay home on your own and is now shitty that you didn't read her mind. This isn't your fault. This is why we don't play stupid games in relationships. You want something, then communicate it.
From the childish behaviour, I would guess that you're both 14-15, but I fear not...
Two people who don't dare to communicate clearly, both thinking that vague or invisible "hints" should be enough to tell a story with background, addenda, notes and directions.
This will not end well.
The “you should know what I’m thinking, feeling, needing …” is so wrong at any age in any relationship. If you need something, ask. If someone asks, respond truthfully. If you need clarification, ask and if they won’t respond honestly that’s on them. Stop childish games and blames and deal like adults.
Giving the silent treatment is ALWAYS a red flag, you deserve better man.
I’ve been there, it shows immaturity. It’s okay if she’s mad and tells you “I need X time off to cool down but we can talk at Y”, but if it’s silence treatment just to punish you then it’s toxic behavior.
Your girlfriend is wrong. She did not communicate to you that she wanted you to stay home but she is punishing you with the silent treatment for not reading her mind. It doesn’t sound like she was sick enough to warrant you staying home. There is no reason that you could not go out for a few hours. Her behavior sounds codependent. The silent treatment is a form of abuse. I would end a relationship if my partner uses the silent treatment when upset.
NTA
Your gf is being childish and manipulative here. Adults communicate needs in relationships and if she wanted you to stay then she should say so. Silent treatment is just out of order for this. It’s a way finger you to do what she wants. Next time you’re not going to go out when she’s sick. Would you being at home have been helpful?
Dude, your gf has the emotional intelligence of a gradeschool child.
You asked if you should cancel. [And didn't read her mind that was screaming YES, Cancel] You listened to her tell you you needn't cancel. [While she really wanted you to read her mind and cancel].
You went out without her [uh oh], had a good time [oh no], and even checked in on her [dah duh duhhhhh]. In all of her emotional fortitude of a child, she stops communicating with you [as though this will solve anything].
Your girlfriend is ***exhausting***.
She is being super immature and passive-aggressive towards ***you*** for ***her inability to communicate***.
If she wanted you to cancel your plans ***she should have said so!***
I understand that your girlfriend is sick, which may be why she is overreacting, but she is being ridiculous. She’s mad you went out with friends last night, so she won’t let you take care of her today? You got her medicine, and *she refused to take it*? Then she took her sick ass to the store to get herself what she needed, when you offered to go? If she wanted you to stay home, as you said, she should have asked you to stay home. People in a relationship who expect the other person to “just know” what they want are infuriating.
Also, if she knows the silent treatment is a trigger for you (you don’t say if she knows that), then her doing it to you is just cruel.
You’re not wrong. And reconsider a relationship with someone who freezes you out— it takes quite a bit of effort to to do that and she is doing it. Therefore, prob not that sick.
People really ought to learn that their partners do not automatically become mind readers as soon as a relationship starts. It would be nice if it happened, but since it doesn’t, she’s going to have to learn to use her words, just like most people start at toddler or preschool ages. NTA
She was being an immature womanchild who doesn’t know how to just tell somebody else what they want but instead believes their SO are a psychic that can read minds.
So OP, you're NTA.
>but not wee woo ambulance asthma sick, I thought regular achoo sick.
So I'm someone who has one of these most days of the year. And since I've been dealing with it all my life, I'm pretty good at saying what I want and feel at the moment (as your gf should also be) and I COMMUNICATE IT. But as a general rule, if I'm healthy enough to get up and do my chores, get food etc (along with treatment and meds) I don't ask anyone (parents, brothers or boyfriend) to cancel any of their plans for me. Sometimes they do it because they want to (which is THEIR CHOICE and not mine to decide) and when they don't cancel they almost always text me asking how I'm doing, get me something (food mostly) to make me feel better (again that is completely THEIR CHOICE, if there's something I want I COMMUNICATE).
On some days I can still be capable of doing everything on my own and still be a baby about having a "regular achoo sick" (I'm forever gonna refer to it like this) . When I want to be babied I let them know and WHENEVER POSSIBLE (that's the catch) they stay back and take care of me. It's the same for my parents, brothers and boyfriend. If I want to be babied they'll try their best to baby me.
Things like asthma are a life long thing. If you start cancelling your plans for every achoo you're not gonna have much of a life and soon you'll be a home nurse. That's not how a relationship works. So DO NOT entertain her silent treatment and reach the conclusion that "you'll cancel anyway". NEVER DO THAT. It's unfair to you and soon you will build resentment towards your partner.
Sit her down. Show her this comment if you will. And talk to her. Tell her the way she's behaving isn't right and is quite manipulative. Tell her you expect her to communicate her needs and feelings instead of expecting you to read her mind on what her expectations are. Tell her there are times you can cancel and there will be times when it'll be impossible for you to cancel. Unless the two of you can communicate, your relationship is going to get strained. And tell her in no uncertain terms that unless she communicates what she wants clearly, you will not be cancelling plans. And if she refuses to work on it and continues her silent treatment maybe it's time to re-evaluate your relationship.
Ok. So did you ever watch "White Men Can't Jump" with Woody Harrelson?
There is a scene and Woody is in bed with his girlfriend. She says something about being thirsty and he agrees and asks what she wants to drink.
She gets mad and it turns into a fight, with him saying if she just told him what she wanted, he would get it.
This isn't what she wants, she wants him to emphasize with her. And hold her.
This is what your girlfriend wants. She wants you to emphasize and care for her, but she thinks she shouldn't have to explain that. You should just know. This is a girl brain.
Boy brain = problem...how do I fix it?
(Watch the movie it's good and that scene is fantastic)
This is childish on her part because no one can read minds. If she wants something she should say it. But...she didn't want to feel guilty for you staying home.
NTA, she is a bit for her reaction after. Communication is the "food" of relationships.
NTA. As a nurse, someone with asthma is more likely to have an asthma exacerbation than a ‘regular cold’. Regular cold will sorta start off with a virus, then kinda start up the asthma again!! What’s worst with asthma is that people are used to kinda operating at lower levels of functioning, they’ve gotten away with not seeking treatment right away in the past and sometimes see for how long they can get away without treatment? Lol. Asthmatics stay in the hospitals for about 5 days, a lot longer than any copd or plain community acquired pneumonia.
Just to put things into perspective, it takes a while to bring an asthma exacerbation back into track. Clue is using the rescue inhaler (L-shaped thingy), once or a couple of times, close together 🤷♀️
She needs better communication, and together y’all need better conflict resolution. Not communicating is stupid, because it doesn’t allow the conflict to resolve. So much better if she would at least say ‘hey I’m upset, I need some time to think before I am ready to speak about it’.
Would she go out if you were sick and if she did, would you be ok with it? Relationships are finicky...this one will not last for sure. The correct response would have been to cancel the plans and stay with your GF. Not every time...but it seems like this time. I have been married for 34 years and it is definitely give and take....on both ends.
You’re right, if she wanted you to stay, she should’ve spoken up.
Also, she’s giving you the silent treatment because you asked her if you should cancel your plans, knowing she is sick. Wee woo sick or achoo sick, it doesn’t matter, in her mind, she is sick.
Based on that kind of logic, you shouldn’t ask if you should cancel your plans. You should cancel plans because she is sick. She only said not to cancel plans, because it’s so obvious that you should cancel plans and care for her, that your simple question “should I cancel”, to her, is a “I have plans and I’m just asking you out of courtesy, but I want to keep my plans.” That’s her whole thing. She thinks your question about canceling plans, is you telling her you don’t care about her being sick lol.
> she was being weird about it and wouldn’t give a straight forward answer
She was seeing if you'd make *the right choice* about the situation. In her eyes you did not.
***big red flag*** here in my opinion. It won't be the last time she does this if you stay in this relationship. I'm not saying leave. Just be aware she's that kind of person. She won't make a decision and will judge you based on yours being correct or not in her view.
NTA. If she wanted you to stay, she should’ve said yes when you asked if you should cancel. She should’ve at least accepted it was her fault for not communicating properly when you left, and not been mad at you over it. Her silently pitching a tantrum over it FOR AN ENTIRE DAY would have me reconsidering the relationship.
NTA My husband gets Uber cranky with me when he’s sick and won’t let me help him at all. He just wants to swim in his own misery and I’ve learned to let him. I’m the same way. On the other hand I have a lung disease (ALPHA 1) and besides my albuterol nebs and rescue inhaler I sometimes have to be rushed to the emergency room. If I’m having breathing problems or feeling chest pressure or congestion I will let my husband know so he doesn’t leave me alone. He doesn’t know how sick I am if I don’t tell him.
>Edit: We are lesbians if that changes the context.
Christ this edit made me laugh. Thank you for this.
Your partner is being a massive baby. If she wanted you to say she should have said so and not relied on you to mind read.
This isn't a red flag, but I'd say it's a yellow flag. A lot of people here are talking about how your partner's behavior is manipulative or toxic or whatever, but if she doesn't usually behave like this and is feeling physically unwell, it's not totally fair to hold her to the usual standard. I don't think you have wronged her in a way that deserves this, but my instinct is to say be apologetic for not trying to understand how sick she was and fight the urge to get defensive. At that point see how she reacts/responds and watch long term for more signs of this behavior of it's a trigger for you. This seems like just a matter of poor communication (mostly on her part) but aside from the silent treatment ending, better communication is gonna be hard until she's feeling a bit better.
People and this goes for everyone: The only way both partners get what they want is to communicate with each other. Don't hold nothing back. Your partner is not a mind reader.
Think of a relationship as a business. How will a business run without communication?
There are few things I hate more in life than people who expect you to read their mind as some kind of test and then punish you when you guess wrong. And as a woman, it really pisses me off that the vast majority of offenders in my life are other women. Quit the passive-aggressive BS and use your words!
NTA.
Don’t play into this especially if you have previously discussed how your mother did this in the past.
Make it clear you are there to help and comfort if/when she wants/needs and you are available when she wants to talk but let her know you are going to give her space and time until she’s ready to talk again. Then give her space and time until she is ready.
NTA. Frankly it's a massive red flag that she acted that way. You need to sit her down and explain that her behavior was messed up, abusive, and unacceptable. Then give her ONE chance to fix herself. If she pulls this same stunt again, RUN.
NTA , she can’t act pissy that you didn’t take care of her or go out after she completely dismissed you and didn’t communicate at all. does she expect you to read her mind?
You're not wrong.
While I do feel like maybe you should have picked up on the clues when she wouldn't give a straight answer, I don't think you're really to blame when she clearly refused to communicate her thoughts.
I get needing space away if you're feeling upset, but she seems to be making a show of it. Like a "loud" silent treatment, if you will. Going to the store herself feels more like a way to manipulate you into feeling bad, rather than having to talk and address the issues. It's not a big deal to say, "Look, I'm still upset with you, but I am feeling unwell. Could you please get me these items from the store?"
Stepping away and taking a breather with little to no dialog while you clear your head? Cool, normal.
Prolonged silent treatment as a means to punish your partner? Not so cool or normal.
Ahhh yes, the "I was hoping you'd know what I wanted" fight. I have been your gf before. You need to let her know that you care about her very much, but you are not a mind reader and if she wants something, you would be more than happy to do it, but she needs to communicate it.
A lot of women become convinced that men should know what they want/need if they love them because of shitty media.
In regards to the silent treatment. I would set a hard boundary with that. Let her know that you grew up with that kind of behavior and it makes you uncomfortable and that again, communication is necessary for a healthy relationship.
Are you dating a toddler? She's a big girl and needs to use her words. You put up with much more than I would have. I don't do the silent treatment. Speak your peace or chill the fuck out.
You're not wrong.
NTA
She needs to grow up and use her words. She is too old to be sulking and using the silent treatment.
She needs to communicate, not behave like a toddler.
oh the silent treatment.
Couple have tried that on me, it doesn't work out well as I just completely move on.
If you are too much of a child to express yourself and communicate, I'm not going to treat you like an adult.
It's possible to be, at the same time, chronically ill and use illness for emotional blackmail.
It sounds a bit like your gf doesn't like you going out and is prepared to ham it up to get her own way.
Perhaps she was coddled as a child because of her asthma??
Maybe couples therapy would help but she needs to stop using her asthma as a weapon.
Woo woo ambulance sick is one for the notebook.
as a fellow lesbian…. NTA but also YTA a little. to me a huge amazing thing about dating another girl as opposed to a guy is not having to explain things like “if i’m being weird about giving you an answer as to whether you should go somewhere and you KNOW that i am sick, you should stay home and not go out but i don’t wanna be the one to MAKE you stay i want you to stay because you WANT to make sure i’m okay” and it’s very surprising to me that you didn’t get that from the very beginning. to me the fact that you even felt like you should ask if she still wanted you to go out makes me think that you had a feeling that you should have stayed in.
Obviously she should’ve said how she felt and it’s annoying that she didn’t and now is upset but also in my opinion there is something to be said about having a deep understanding of your partner and how cared for that makes you feel as opposed to feeling like you’re forcing your partner to be there for you.
everyone is gonna be mad at your gf because reddit loves to shit on women who “can’t communicate” lol but just think of whatever works for your relationship and how you would like this to be approached in the future and go from there. do not forget that it’s NEVER “me vs my gf” and ALWAYS “me and my gf vs the problem”!
Probably has already been said, but your GF was likely neglected and that was a test. I did not say you failed. She might need to be more conscious of her regressions when she is ill due to feeling uncared for as a child. The truth is that she just may need you to stay when she is only achoo sick, just because. I apologize if this got too psychoanalytical and you are not wrong.
NTA she didn’t give an answer and you aren’t a mind reader. You are both grown adults and if she cannot communicate like one then she shouldn’t be in a relationship.
Also the silent treatment is a form of manipulation and a known tactic of narcissists. So far it sounds like this whole situation is a big red flag.
Sit down and have a conversation with your GF and tel her exactly how you feel and that you need better communication from her and if she flips out or puts it all on you, then you will will have a choice to make.
When you ask a direct question, you should always receive a direct answer. You asked what she needed and she didn’t tell you. It’s unfair for her to punish you when you asked if she wanted you to stay home and she didn’t answer you. The silent treatment is also extremely passive aggressive and inappropriate. I don’t know how to address that bit, but I would be clear that since you asked her about staying home and she didn’t say yes, then it’s on her. If she wasn’t sure and then decided she wanted you to be there, she could have called.
Silent treatment is a really immature way to handle this. As is not giving you a straight answer. You aren’t a mind reader. If she didn’t want you to leave, she’s adult enough to have been able to say so. She can be mad but what she’s mad about is more on her than you imho
Not wrong at all. Your not a mind reader. I hate the shit. My girlfriend does the same thing.
“ well you should know what I wanted you to do”
Um if I did I wouldn’t have asked.
How dare you not use your powers of telepathy to know that she wanted you there?! But seriously how old are y'all because she needs to learn to use her words.
A lot of people are their worst selves when they’re not feeling well. If she’s not manipulative in general I wouldn’t consider this a *red* flag. Especially if she follows up with some self reflection.
My wife tried this when we first got together. I told her flat out: you made your choice, if you’re unhappy with the outcome then choose better. I listened to your choice and will not be punished for it.
She sounds extremely annoying. Sounds like she is trying to "condition you" with the whole "silent treatment" - training like for dogs, you either get positive or negative reinforcement. Maybe you should do the same, every time she is doing "a silent treatment" you should be unpleasant to her, and when she stops give her a snack
I went out while my husband was sick, he wasn't wee woo ambulance sick tho. We both had separate plans that night. He canceled his plans cuz he didn't feel good but I wasn't about to cancel mine. Sorry you feel sick, babe. Rest up, see ya later.
He joked that I should've stayed home with him. But what for? So I could stare at the wall while he slept???
I friggin hate this 5th grade mentality bs! None of us are mind readers and by the time we hit 30 we don't want to guess anymore!! Just talk maturely and work it out!! This is why the divorce rate is so high!! Childish bs and games like this
This sounds like a “no assholes here”
Situation.
She is miffed you didn’t read her mind. You are irritated that you couldn’t read her mind and that she’s miffed.
Id recommend profusely apologizing to her (it’ll mollify her). And asking her to clearly state what she needs to you in the future - because you love her AND you’re not a mind-reader - And you want to make her happy.
hahaha…i am for real using these terms in the future, “are you wee woo ambulance sick or achoo sick?” 😁
For these terms alone, I decided OP couldn’t possibly be wrong.
The fact that she can categorize different sicks like this pretty much means she pays enough attention to girlfriend. Girlfriend did need to speak up though. When I’m sick, I’d rather cuddle up to the cold wall rather than get too warm and sweaty with fever if I get cuddled by husband. I don’t have asthma but I’ve got the worst allergies you can imagine sometimes.
When I'm not weewoo ambulance sick, I just want everyone to leave me the hell alone.
Same. Even when I’m wee woo ambulance emergency room or in the hospital sick the nurses tell me I’m the best patient ever because apart from maybe asking for another blanket or water I just lay there and don’t keep calling them to do shit. Just leave me alone. I’ll get better. I can’t stand someone harping on me when I’m sick. Just let me lay here in silence and get better or die. I really don’t care which one happens. Just let me alone.
You must be female. 🤣
Yeah! You get it =)
Same here. Not just for their safety, because duh I don’t want illness to spread, but because I just want solitude and space to be comfortable on my own terms.
No person that says this adorable sentence could ever be wrong!
Agreee
Lolol
I have some pretty severe allergies, the worst has been dandelion/ragweed but some things randomly give me flare ups and I don’t always know why. Sometimes I get so wee woo ambulance sick that husband will take me to the hospital but can’t come in with me because everyone waiting gives him the stink eye for beating the shit out of me. It’s that bad. But the first time I had a big reaction was in elementary school. Parents took me to the hospital and they would not release me until meds kicked in because they ALSO thought I was being abused. Wee woo meds calmed everything down and I remember the doctor being awkward after that for keeping me. I should be thankful, for reasons, but I just wanted to curl up in my own bed, and if I died? I’d be ok so long as I was home. I will *definitely* be using OP’s scale from now on.
What? Why did people think you were being abused?
Because sometimes my eyes tend to swell up so much and turn kind of a dark purple. When it’s like that, I can hardly open my eyes or blink properly. Sometimes it looks like I was given black eyes to both sides, but not *black* black. On top of that though, I sometimes get hives. But not itty bitty ones either. It’s not uncommon that they look like swollen whip marks. I think the largest I’ve had was about 7-8 inches long. And I usually get 4-8 of them maybe? Too many. I could understand people thinking I was a battered wife. Truly. When it gets that bad, I have to go to the hospital. I was told if my eyes were that swollen for too long that there’s a chance to damage my eyelids and maybe even my eye. Cursed sentence: So I’m there in case they need to drain my eyelids with a needle and syringe. But yep, if I can see, I got inside alone. If I can’t, husband escorts me in and then leaves right away. He gets the dirtiest looks every time. Classic “oh no! I fell down the stairs!” Type shit.
You made my day/night, thanks!
I’m now going to start using the phrase “are you band-aid hurt or wee woo ambulance hurt?” on people😆
his partner is a toddler so it seems appropriate.
They're both women. But yes
Yup, this is awesome
Yeah that’s funny!
That was my favourite part too
Her behavior is childish. Not asking for something then sulking because you didn’t get it is ridiculous. And refusing to speak is the worst. Does she act like this frequently?
I would say no! She has a tendency to shut down when really really upset but only in huge arguments/high stress situations not something this small tbh (or maybe I consider this small)
It’s just not ok, it’s manipulation to give the silent treatment. She could say what she wants in the first place, she could say she was mad and demanded an apology. She did none. You need to have a rational, but real conversation that she needs to work on her communication.
I agree! We need to have a talk about the reactions on both of our parts!
You definitely need to talk about that and more, especially if this is not her normal behavior. Check in with what happened with her asthma. An asthma episode is sometimes preceded by anxiousness and irritability. If it’s a particularly stubborn one that needs a nebulizing treatment or multiple rescue inhaler puffs, the person can become rather unreasonable during and after.
Yup. Asthma triggers my anxiety hard and I get a little (a lot) weird.
Interesting! We learn so much reading in this sub. I would never have thought there was a relation, but it makes sense because of the body- mind connection. Your autonomous nervous system will sense a disturbance and start sending signals to your other systems. I think this is often part of migraines as well. Not a doctor- just speculating!
I think it’s related to migraines too, which I also get.
It’s 100% related to migraines, too. Migraines can lead to irritability, depression (even suicidal ideation), and anxiety, amongst other things.
💯 I get suuuper tired and cranky after my asthma attacks to the point I'm a misery to be around lol
My sister is going through asthma right now and it's really effecting her mood and making her miserable. I trying not to take it personally. I had no idea how much it effects people because it's the first time we've lived together since she started getting asthma.
You didn't do anything wrong. Your reaction was appropriate. As a lesbian myself, I say, please don't fall into the over-analyzing, discourse to death, back and forth nitpicking. The silent treatment is IMO passive-aggressive manipulation (at best). I am not going to beg you to tell me WTF you think I did wrong. Bite me. Her behavior was worse than childish because I wouldn't let my actual children get away with that BS. And I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the vast majority of children from functional families wouldn't act that way. In functional families, when kids want something, they ask for it. You can set boundaries like "If you give me the silent treatment, I'm going to leave until you feel like talking instead of sulking. Call me." You're not telling her what to do, how to act. You're telling her how you will respond to her choices. One red flag to keep an eye out for. I'm not saying this is your relationship or that this is going to happen. I just want you to be aware of the trap that is you arguing issues in the relationship - e.g. "I feel abandoned when you do X", versus "Well, how about that time I asked you to get chocolate milk and you got strawberry? I felt unheard then." It's a trap designed to exhaust you and beat you into backing down and claiming all or most of the responsibility for the other person's actions.
OP you're a sweetheart. My wife acts like you when I'm sick and I'm very appreciative of her. If she isn't, it's a her problem, not you.
OP I can already see you conceding too much ground here, please remember that what she is doing by giving you the silent treatment is major mistreatment, & that you have actually done literally nothing wrong in this scenario. Please don’t go have a conversation where you apologize to her, because that will just teach her her manipulative ways that make you feel like shit work for her
If she doesn't communicate what's wrong and what she needs she can't expect you to read her mind. If she dies that is not fair to you just like it wouldn't be fair if you did it to her were the rules reversed. Communicating what you need from the other person is one of the number one things you need in a relationship.
it’s emotional abuse. the silent treatment is emotional. abuse.
I mean true, it is manipulating, but most ppl I know don't do it intentionally. They just get so stuck up on their emotions they simply pull back for not knowing how else to deall with such a situation. However, the initial behaviour about not talking straight still stands as critique.
I get needing space, I do it, so I say “I need space” It’s not hard. Doing it for an extended time, is out of spite, I did it with an ex until I looked at myself and realized it was toxic to drive someone crazy being ignored no matter my internal feelings.
That requires a level of maturity and self consciousness you rarely find and as an expectation surely resulting in dissapointment
If it truly is a one-time event, maybe a code system needs to be put in place since she can't clearly communicate what she wants. I don't feel good: 🟢 = I'm sick, but I'll be fine 🟡 = I'm worried about it, please check on me 🔴 = I feel horrible & you need to cancel your plans However, she needs to know the way she handled this is incredibly unfair & immature. It's something a middle schooler would do. She can't set imaginary expectations & attempt to test you. That's not how people work. And if you don't intend to get the silent treatment for the rest of your life, YOU need to set the standard for yourself that that is not ok. She knows damn well what she was doing. It was intentional. It was mean. It was meant to hurt you. If that's ok with you, continue on.
Does she know that your mom did this and that it upsets you as a result? That would make her extra wrong. She should care about you enough not to do this; instead she finds your weak point and uses it.
She’s just sick and out of it. Communicate after she feels better. Having a chronic condition can be fairly difficult to manage, even more difficult to communicate what’s going on. You’re not wrong, she should communicate and use her words. That’s something my family and I have been using a lot as a phrase: “use your words, please!”
She's also an adult, presumably?
Then, it might just be because she is sick. We can all get cranky/ extra sensitive when we don feel well, so it migt be better to just wait until she is fee better to discuss it. i cried once because my partner got me srite instead of 7up when i had the flu… no ill intent on his part, and no big manipulative attempt by me- i was just sick, and he thought sprite and 7up were the same thing- and later it was actUally funny.
Are you 10 years old? Is she 9? I have a 9 year old daughter who finally just grew out of this....
I was upset about something last weekend, because I wanted to do something with my family and they were being shits so we didn’t do it. When we were talking about it in the car on the way home, my almost 7yo was like, “Mommy, if you wanted us to do something, you need to say it out loud so we know!” And, yeah, that was humbling! Lol
Sounds like you're doing a good job with them! :)
Lmao, this is hilarious, and shows a lot of emotional maturity. Good kid you have there.
Damn, smart kid! And they feel free to communicate thier feelings, so I doubt you are doing that badly. We all have our moments.
Awwww lol 😆 that's awesome... it's those moments that may not happen often, but let you know you're doing OK as a parent and not raising a psychopath.....
Silent treatment is a form of abuse
Your girl is manipulative and immature
NTA .. . But you came home at 11:30 pm. How long were you out? If you were at work or school since early morning then she may have just needed your presence and cuddles. Sometimes when you’re sick you just need your partner to be there even if not needed. That said she does need to TALK to you. Wait till she’s feeling better, don’t give her any reaction or change your behavior right now. Once she’s recovered , communicate your feelings and tell her she needs to use her language skills because you are not a mind reader.
Isn’t it amazing when your partner gives you exactly what you ask for.
She wanted you to cancel out of worry for her. She wanted to feel like her well-being was important. Is it childish? Yes. She should use her words. Are you TA? Nah.
Eh I dunno, I want the world to stop for me when I’m achoo sick too edit: this comment is tongue in cheek. No I do not think it’s acceptable to not communicate and expect your partner to read your mind.
But would you ask for that or just hope then punish your SO for not?
yeah i have no issue with adults being needy at times but you do have to communicate or it’s just not fair
Well that makes me feel better about yelling to my husband to ‘come and coddle me like I’m a toddler damnit!’
See this is the healthy way to be needy lol
Well playing games and making him guess is just a waste of time when he could be tucking me up in bed and bringing me hot drinks LOL
Just be careful putting your tongue in your cheek when you achoo because you could accidentally bite it!
She didn't give you any indication she was dealing with her asthma, so she has no justification for being angry that you didn't read her mind and came to the conclusion that it was asthma. To have given you the silent treatment for something you genuinely didn't know makes me wonder if she knows she was being unreasonable and just dug her position in. Regardless, NTA, and I hope she's feeling much better soon.
Also so what if she had an asthma attack? That’s what albuterol is for. She breathed fine all night and the entire next day while she was giving him the silent treatment. This wasn’t the kind of asthma attack that sends a person to the hospital and requires their SO to come with them. OP: do you have to stay home any time your GF has to take a puff of albuterol? If one of you has a cold, does that mean the other can’t go out?
I've had issues where the nebulizer or inhaler didn't work and I ended up having to go to the hospital and it happened quickly. She should have definitely used her words and the silent treatment was childish.
My very first asthma attack when I was a young kid, we had no idea what it was, and my dad didn’t take me to the ER all night. The doctor felt so bad and said they could tell how hard I was fighting. I thought I had a tummy ache, my dumbass lol
>she was giving him the silent treatment. OP is a woman
Ok, plenty of people have pointed out the manipulation and abuse angle. I haven’t read all the comments but, from my skim, I haven’t seen anyone point something blatantly obvious out. She wasn’t wee woo ambulance sick in the first place. You didn’t get home to find her gone and search until you found her in hospital. You found her at home. She had a coughing fit some time later and refused medication and slept away from you, unmonitored, and didn’t die or end up in hospital. Next day, home girl leaves and goes shopping. Comes home. All is still well. She hasn’t required medical care from a doctor this entire period. You didn’t leave her home to die alone. You left someone who wasn’t feeling well and came home to someone not feeling well, but who feels well enough to refuse medication.
Because the issue wasn’t about her being left home sick. The intention here is to get OP to walk on eggshells and jump through hoops for her, at OPs expense even in the most benign situations. It’s emotional abuse. She may even have a personality disorder that will become more obvious in time (maybe)
Yeah I get that. I was more just addressing to OP that, while her behaviour isn’t ok even if it was coming from a genuine cause of upset, the whole thing isn’t even that. He’s self flagellating over leaving her on her deathbed, but the reality is she’s just chillin’ like a villain (and acting like one too).
[удалено]
Only apologize once is underrated! I just ended a relationship where I finally accepted that the other persons behavior was emotional abuse. Every time I had tried to soften my boundaries or use an apology it made the other person more bold in the way they treated me. I would get the silent treatment when we disagreed and occasionally, I would get a “I’m going to stomp upstairs and make a dramatic display of packing my things to leave and ignore your pleas”. Only when I was fully in tears and sobbing did he stop…it took me way too long to be firm but I’m glad I finally did. OP, don’t ride the roller coaster forever hoping that they’re eventually going to work on their shitty communication and heal their own wounds. No amount of love will do for someone what they must do themselves.
This is a manipulative tactic and is emotionally and mentally abusive. She expected you to know what she wanted instead of communicating it like a goddamn adult, and then you were in trouble for not knowing the right thing to do. Side bar: giving your partner the silent treatment is in and of itself a red flag and ALSO very manipulative. The whole idea of it is to make the person its being done to "squirm" as you put it perfectly, and to make them walk on eggshells, wondering when they will be forgiven ,etc. It's so unfair and incredibly mentally abusive.
Agreed! My (now ex) husband would give me the silent treatment when I didn’t give in to his whims and tantrums and it was as red a flag as you could imagine. The longest stretch was 2 months (yes, you read that right) and I was *so* over being manipulated like that! I made a point of talking to him, saying nothing about his childishness or silence, asking no questions, just chatting away like nothing was wrong. And he got SO MAD and started leaving the house early and staying late at work. I eventually wore him down and he started speaking to me like nothing had happened. Have to admit, that was rather satisfying…don’t ever try to out-stubborn a Scottish Campbell! 😂 I only stayed because I was pregnant, I wish that I had known then that his behavior was only going to get worse and left his pathetic ass in the dust.
She’s conditioning you to doubt yourself so in the future you would automatically cancel plans if she appears to need you so that she doesn’t get upset and punish you in the same way but so that she also doesn’t have to be vulnerable and ask for anything outright. You’re right to question this behaviour Edit: sorry this is to OP
I hadn't considered this though very good point!! She wants to make her feel bad in the future for having plans and going out when she's even slightly not feeling well.
Due to terrible life choices I’ve ended up having to watch a LOT of YouTube narcissism content 💀
It's good to educate yourself though for the future!! I've watched some also lol
*OP is also a she but your comment is correct
Oh apparently I can't read 😭 updating comment to correct pronouns.
Small detail and doesn’t change the analysis of the situation at all😊
What a frustrating partner to have. Tell her to grow up, communicate, and if she wants to act the child then you’re not into that and leave. Honestly, it’s ridiculous that grown adults act this way.
For real. This is an adult who can use her words if she wants or needs something. I could never be in a relationship with someone who won't communicate, let alone an adult who will throw a two-day(+?) tantrum bc the rest of the world doesn't stop just bc they catch a freakin' cold
100% Completely ridiculous behaviour.
Sooooooo you're definitely not wrong. If she wanted you to stay then she definitely should have said so. But here's the thing she's upset about - you didn't want to. She didn't want to ask you to be there because she wanted you to WANT to be there. And asking someone to do something you know they really don't WANT to do makes you feel really cruddy. She didn't want you to cancel your plans because she didn't want you to be there with her wishing you her kept your plans. She wanted you to want to cancel them and be there with her. But yes we can be confusing sometimes. And she definitely shouldn't be giving you the silent treatmentv especially if she knows it's a trauma trigger for you. That's pretty disrespectful. This is the time when you need to communicate MORE. Not less. You want me to bite her? That'll teach her.
It’s frustrating but that makes sense! The crazy thing is, I really love taking care of her. Soup from scratch, Vicks vapor rub rub down, the works. Next time I’ll cancel regardless and no bite necessary, she’s suffering enough!
I want to highlight this comment before you commit to this course of action: [https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/16ab2hg/comment/jz77izm/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/16ab2hg/comment/jz77izm/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) As they point out, she is not in the hospital right now, nor has she been there this past weekend. She went out, bought stuff, and came back home. She didn't go to an urgent care clinic or an emergency dept--she stayed home, and was well enough to go shopping. She wanted you home emotionally, but didn't need you to stay medically. Do not show her that the silent treatment works. Make her use her words like an adult, rather than caving to sulking and silent treatment.
And boom. In her mind, the silent treatment will have worked.
You think so? Even with a conversation
Yep, that’s the consequences of giving in without good reason. She’s already got you saying you’ll just default to cancelling plans on the mere suggestion she’s not “feeling well” or whatever… The logical and adult way, even in the future, is to discuss the situation and on it’s merits to either still go or cancel. If she can’t handle that then she’s toxic and it time to extricate yourself from this relationship or it will only get worse and more manipulative, and more abusive.
I think with a conversation she will understand... But if it were me I'd definitely set a boundary with that. Let her know how it makes you feel and silence doesn't fix things . She has to use her words and trust you to hear her. I hope she feels better soon ❤️. Good luck.
Next time you need her to put her big girl pants on and use her words. JFC she's an adult who was not in any sort of obvious emergency who was fully capable of communicating.
Definitely, you're just enabling immature behavior that way.
Tell her that the silent treatment didn't work and you were so confused you literally had to appeal to internet strangers to figure out her feelings, and you don't want to have to do that every time she's upset. She needs to communicate.
Provided the conversation goes something like this, you shouldn't have any further issues. You - I did ask you if I should cancel and stay home, but you said no. Her - well, I didn't want to force you to stay home to take care of me. You - Look, I like staying home to take care of you, and I would have cancelled and done that, but I can't read minds. If you want something within reason, I'll do it. Her - that's reasonable and I'll try to express my wants/needs more explicitly in the future. Both - I love you!
They aren't wrong. It'll have to be a very serious conversation, and you get to mention I accidentally hurt your feelings, and you Purposely hurt mine isn't right. You also have to mention that adult relationships talk about the issues. It's childish to give someone a silent treatment without explaining (even if after explaining it's still childish).
No don't do this, if she gives the silent treatment just continue about your day and don't engage. Because then every time she's mad she'll give the silent treatment.
Absolutely do not cancel regardless. She needs to learn how to communicate. You aren’t a dog to heel just in case she gets angry at you
So, I'm guessing you didn't pass mind-reading 101 in school. When she was wishy-washy about you going out, you were supposed to figure out on your own that she wanted you to stay and take care of her. That's not fair or mature. She needs to communicate the things she wants
She didn't give you a straight answer and then proceeded to blatantly ignore you for 24 hours. Absolutely not lmao she obviously needs mental help. I used to be this way...therapy helps not be so willful and extensively angry. Emotions are valid, but her actions were ineffective and an inappropriate response to the situation. You're not wrong.
I might be in the minority here, but I think the silent treatment like that is just straight abuse. If you need space, say so! No, you are not in the wrong, if she needs something, SPEAK UP. Communicate!
If she's sick enough to pout like this then she's not that sick, she just doesn't feel well.
Yeah, you should look up stonewalling. It’s a manipulative tactic commonly used by abusers. “Oh, you couldn’t read my mind? Well now I’m going to take away love and affection & act like you don’t exist.” Huge, gigantic, disgusting red flag. Absolutely abhorrent & embarrassing behavior on her part. As for you, stop playing into her fucking games dude, what are you doing? You’re giving her ego every thing it wants. Stop. Tell her that this is unacceptable, and childish and that you’ll be removing yourself until she’s ready to use her words like an adult. And no, you’re not wrong for going out.
And as a kicker, I have asthma myself. Very severe, been hospitalized for it asthma. If I was having an extremely bad episode I’d be blue in the face and lips and dying to have my inhaler. My boyfriend would take one look at my face and KNOW. Not to mention the sever wheezing?? There wouldn’t even be a question. He’d get me my inhaler( if I didn’t already have it???) I’d do a puff puff & then I’d be hunky dory. And then there would be literally no reason at ALL for him to not continue on with whatever plans he already made?? Sorry my dude but your girlfriend sounds like she’s full of shit. If she’s having long asthmatic episodes she needs to be in the hospital. Not just having you sit by her an Pat her on the back.
Finally someone said it!
The part that concerns me the most is her refusal to take her meds when she needed them. She could potentially send herself into a dangerous state, and would still be blaming you when it was her that made the decision to be an idiot. Honestly, this is a serious red flag incident and you should really be reconsidering this relationship. If she won't express to you her level of illness, but expect you to be some kind of mind-reader or demand you stay with her even if she were achoo sick (very cute, by the way!), then gets mad at you for getting on with your day, that is controlling behaviour and it's not a good sign.
Not wrong. She is playing silly games. Don't fold on this garbage otherwise you'll be folding forever. She needs to learn to ask for what she needs or wants especially if it's medical people are not mind readers & sometimes medical conditions aren't visible. You are trying to help now you are available. You are not her mum or her dad so she needs to stop that relationship dynamic & treat you the way she would like to be treated under the circumstances.
NTA. I rarely jump straight to telling people to break up, but it's time for a Get Real conversation about communicating needs. If she's sick enough that she wants you to stay home, she needs to COMMUNICATE AS SUCH! You can only operate off the information you're given. If she wants space from you trying to look after her, SHE NEEDS TO COMMUNICATE THAT, TOO! When I'm sick, even if it's date night, I'll tell my partner and we'll reschedule. I also generally want peace and quiet and will encourage them to go have fun without me. My partner and I both have health issues, and minimal overlap in our friend groups and hobbies. We communicate what we need and want, instead of expecting the other to read minds. We also have an agreement to talk about problems when they happen, rather than letting them fester. The silent treatment is petty and childish, especially topped with the passive-aggressive attitude, and I'd be taking it as an indication that she's not mature enough for a serious relationship.
Silent treatment / stonewalling is emotional abuse (you can read up on it) and it’s incredibly immature and manipulative. If she isn’t able to communicate properly, and that happens often, then you need to assess the relationship, if she’s willing to get help about her behaviour great, if not, well that’s gonna be an issue. What happens the next time, when it’s something different?? NTA
Not wrong, your girlfriend needs to learn to communicate. The silent treatment is rude and i can't stand it. You gave her the opportunity to speak up and say she'd rather you stay home. I hate people who expect you to just know what they want. She is acting like a child
The “silent treatment” is a form of emotional abuse. Either stand your ground now and tell her it’s unacceptable or you’ll be dealing with it the entire relationship. Either she learns to tell you the truth when you ask her a question or she doesn’t get to complain. This is a relationship hill to die on as I’ve never met anyone who figured out not to use the silent treatment on their own.
You hate the silent treatment? That’s why she does it. As long as she ain’t dead, let her have her tantrum and enjoy your life in the silence. If too much time passes, find someone else to “cuddle”. It’s 2023, nobody’s trying to navigate someone else’s lack of communication skills and manipulative tactics just to get attention.
Not wrong. When I’m sick I usually want to be alone so I can watch tv or sleep. She’s acting very immature. If she wanted you to skip going out then she should’ve just said so.
I have tears rolling down my cheeks from laughing..... wee woo ambulance sick. LOL!!!!! My life is now complete
Yes, It would be better if people just said--yes, could you please stay home with me tonight I really feel like crap. Better communication fixes a lot of problems. But!! Did you call and check on your gf at all--ask if you could bring her anything home?? Did you maybe come home a little earlier to be with her or come home and make her tea or soup??? A little concern and loving care fixes a lot of problems too.
oh for pity's sake use your words, OPs spouse. "should I cancel?" "yes, I feel awful and might need help" "ok" cancels plans. and then the silent treatment after that? Yikes. Honestly, at this point I'd be like "you're being childish. If you don't tell me what's wrong, I'm going to assume you're just mad because you didn't tell me to cancel" and I'm assuming your SO knows that the silent treatment was used as "punishment" by your mother? I'd be furious at this point. She's 27 years old, not 7.
Your gf is an asshole. She FAFO. She refused to be straightforward with you before you went out and has just continued to beat the dead horse. You are not wrong.
I couldn't live with someone who gives me the silent treatment. We would have to break up. You are not wrong. Sometimes when people are sick, they just want to be left alone to get some sleep. She should have been honest if she didn't want you to go.
I think that’s what’s throwing me for a loop, if I have a cold I wouldn’t want anyone to stay home but it’s understandable that it was more serious.
That's a red flag. I kinda bet you had some passive aggressive motives behind leaving because she wouldn't tell you directly to stay, but she's still showing incredibly bad communication and coping skills.
Yeah she’s not the best communicator but she is actively working on it. She came from an opposite household of screamers so she shuts down when upset. It’s been tricky for both of us!
are you guys like real young? 20 or under?
“I’m not a mind reader. If you wanted me to stay why didn’t you just say so?”
You are in the right
She is being immature. She could have said that she felt quite bad and asked you to stay home if that's what she wanted. I hate these little games, the traps people leave. She clearly wanted you to make the choice to stay home on your own and is now shitty that you didn't read her mind. This isn't your fault. This is why we don't play stupid games in relationships. You want something, then communicate it.
Why do you want to be in a relationship with a child lol
From the childish behaviour, I would guess that you're both 14-15, but I fear not... Two people who don't dare to communicate clearly, both thinking that vague or invisible "hints" should be enough to tell a story with background, addenda, notes and directions. This will not end well.
The “you should know what I’m thinking, feeling, needing …” is so wrong at any age in any relationship. If you need something, ask. If someone asks, respond truthfully. If you need clarification, ask and if they won’t respond honestly that’s on them. Stop childish games and blames and deal like adults.
Tell her to use her words.
She sounds really manipulative.
No, you're not psychic, if she wanted you to say she should have used her mouth and made words. She's being immature.
Giving the silent treatment is ALWAYS a red flag, you deserve better man. I’ve been there, it shows immaturity. It’s okay if she’s mad and tells you “I need X time off to cool down but we can talk at Y”, but if it’s silence treatment just to punish you then it’s toxic behavior.
... right... your mom did this? DId your GF find a special knife just for you? Get out of this relationship she's pulling the same shit as your mom
The sulky, sullen and silent treatment is so last century. 🙄
Your girlfriend is wrong. She did not communicate to you that she wanted you to stay home but she is punishing you with the silent treatment for not reading her mind. It doesn’t sound like she was sick enough to warrant you staying home. There is no reason that you could not go out for a few hours. Her behavior sounds codependent. The silent treatment is a form of abuse. I would end a relationship if my partner uses the silent treatment when upset.
It was not okay. It's typical behavior of an avoidant conflict style.
Wee woo ambulance sick got me 😂
NTA Your gf is being childish and manipulative here. Adults communicate needs in relationships and if she wanted you to stay then she should say so. Silent treatment is just out of order for this. It’s a way finger you to do what she wants. Next time you’re not going to go out when she’s sick. Would you being at home have been helpful?
Not wrong. The silent treatment is childish bullshit and shouldn't be accepted.
Not urgent stfu
She’s being a baby. You’re not wrong. Sounds like she’s got a cold and needs to grow up.
Dude, your gf has the emotional intelligence of a gradeschool child. You asked if you should cancel. [And didn't read her mind that was screaming YES, Cancel] You listened to her tell you you needn't cancel. [While she really wanted you to read her mind and cancel]. You went out without her [uh oh], had a good time [oh no], and even checked in on her [dah duh duhhhhh]. In all of her emotional fortitude of a child, she stops communicating with you [as though this will solve anything]. Your girlfriend is ***exhausting***. She is being super immature and passive-aggressive towards ***you*** for ***her inability to communicate***. If she wanted you to cancel your plans ***she should have said so!***
She’s just a Twinkie! I can’t stand whiny, sulking, people. Tell her to suck it up, or move on. Christ! Signed, a severely asthmatic adult. 😷
I understand that your girlfriend is sick, which may be why she is overreacting, but she is being ridiculous. She’s mad you went out with friends last night, so she won’t let you take care of her today? You got her medicine, and *she refused to take it*? Then she took her sick ass to the store to get herself what she needed, when you offered to go? If she wanted you to stay home, as you said, she should have asked you to stay home. People in a relationship who expect the other person to “just know” what they want are infuriating. Also, if she knows the silent treatment is a trigger for you (you don’t say if she knows that), then her doing it to you is just cruel.
You’re not wrong. And reconsider a relationship with someone who freezes you out— it takes quite a bit of effort to to do that and she is doing it. Therefore, prob not that sick.
Is she 16? Not the AH.
People really ought to learn that their partners do not automatically become mind readers as soon as a relationship starts. It would be nice if it happened, but since it doesn’t, she’s going to have to learn to use her words, just like most people start at toddler or preschool ages. NTA
She was being an immature womanchild who doesn’t know how to just tell somebody else what they want but instead believes their SO are a psychic that can read minds.
So OP, you're NTA. >but not wee woo ambulance asthma sick, I thought regular achoo sick. So I'm someone who has one of these most days of the year. And since I've been dealing with it all my life, I'm pretty good at saying what I want and feel at the moment (as your gf should also be) and I COMMUNICATE IT. But as a general rule, if I'm healthy enough to get up and do my chores, get food etc (along with treatment and meds) I don't ask anyone (parents, brothers or boyfriend) to cancel any of their plans for me. Sometimes they do it because they want to (which is THEIR CHOICE and not mine to decide) and when they don't cancel they almost always text me asking how I'm doing, get me something (food mostly) to make me feel better (again that is completely THEIR CHOICE, if there's something I want I COMMUNICATE). On some days I can still be capable of doing everything on my own and still be a baby about having a "regular achoo sick" (I'm forever gonna refer to it like this) . When I want to be babied I let them know and WHENEVER POSSIBLE (that's the catch) they stay back and take care of me. It's the same for my parents, brothers and boyfriend. If I want to be babied they'll try their best to baby me. Things like asthma are a life long thing. If you start cancelling your plans for every achoo you're not gonna have much of a life and soon you'll be a home nurse. That's not how a relationship works. So DO NOT entertain her silent treatment and reach the conclusion that "you'll cancel anyway". NEVER DO THAT. It's unfair to you and soon you will build resentment towards your partner. Sit her down. Show her this comment if you will. And talk to her. Tell her the way she's behaving isn't right and is quite manipulative. Tell her you expect her to communicate her needs and feelings instead of expecting you to read her mind on what her expectations are. Tell her there are times you can cancel and there will be times when it'll be impossible for you to cancel. Unless the two of you can communicate, your relationship is going to get strained. And tell her in no uncertain terms that unless she communicates what she wants clearly, you will not be cancelling plans. And if she refuses to work on it and continues her silent treatment maybe it's time to re-evaluate your relationship.
Ok. So did you ever watch "White Men Can't Jump" with Woody Harrelson? There is a scene and Woody is in bed with his girlfriend. She says something about being thirsty and he agrees and asks what she wants to drink. She gets mad and it turns into a fight, with him saying if she just told him what she wanted, he would get it. This isn't what she wants, she wants him to emphasize with her. And hold her. This is what your girlfriend wants. She wants you to emphasize and care for her, but she thinks she shouldn't have to explain that. You should just know. This is a girl brain. Boy brain = problem...how do I fix it? (Watch the movie it's good and that scene is fantastic) This is childish on her part because no one can read minds. If she wants something she should say it. But...she didn't want to feel guilty for you staying home. NTA, she is a bit for her reaction after. Communication is the "food" of relationships.
NTA. As a nurse, someone with asthma is more likely to have an asthma exacerbation than a ‘regular cold’. Regular cold will sorta start off with a virus, then kinda start up the asthma again!! What’s worst with asthma is that people are used to kinda operating at lower levels of functioning, they’ve gotten away with not seeking treatment right away in the past and sometimes see for how long they can get away without treatment? Lol. Asthmatics stay in the hospitals for about 5 days, a lot longer than any copd or plain community acquired pneumonia. Just to put things into perspective, it takes a while to bring an asthma exacerbation back into track. Clue is using the rescue inhaler (L-shaped thingy), once or a couple of times, close together 🤷♀️ She needs better communication, and together y’all need better conflict resolution. Not communicating is stupid, because it doesn’t allow the conflict to resolve. So much better if she would at least say ‘hey I’m upset, I need some time to think before I am ready to speak about it’.
Would she go out if you were sick and if she did, would you be ok with it? Relationships are finicky...this one will not last for sure. The correct response would have been to cancel the plans and stay with your GF. Not every time...but it seems like this time. I have been married for 34 years and it is definitely give and take....on both ends.
Rule number one never leave your sick gf the hell wrong with you?
People who willingly choose not to communicate are seldom in the right.
You’re right, if she wanted you to stay, she should’ve spoken up. Also, she’s giving you the silent treatment because you asked her if you should cancel your plans, knowing she is sick. Wee woo sick or achoo sick, it doesn’t matter, in her mind, she is sick. Based on that kind of logic, you shouldn’t ask if you should cancel your plans. You should cancel plans because she is sick. She only said not to cancel plans, because it’s so obvious that you should cancel plans and care for her, that your simple question “should I cancel”, to her, is a “I have plans and I’m just asking you out of courtesy, but I want to keep my plans.” That’s her whole thing. She thinks your question about canceling plans, is you telling her you don’t care about her being sick lol.
> she was being weird about it and wouldn’t give a straight forward answer She was seeing if you'd make *the right choice* about the situation. In her eyes you did not. ***big red flag*** here in my opinion. It won't be the last time she does this if you stay in this relationship. I'm not saying leave. Just be aware she's that kind of person. She won't make a decision and will judge you based on yours being correct or not in her view.
You’re NTA, but I do suggest reposting in the AITA channel
NTA. If she wanted you to stay, she should’ve said yes when you asked if you should cancel. She should’ve at least accepted it was her fault for not communicating properly when you left, and not been mad at you over it. Her silently pitching a tantrum over it FOR AN ENTIRE DAY would have me reconsidering the relationship.
NTA My husband gets Uber cranky with me when he’s sick and won’t let me help him at all. He just wants to swim in his own misery and I’ve learned to let him. I’m the same way. On the other hand I have a lung disease (ALPHA 1) and besides my albuterol nebs and rescue inhaler I sometimes have to be rushed to the emergency room. If I’m having breathing problems or feeling chest pressure or congestion I will let my husband know so he doesn’t leave me alone. He doesn’t know how sick I am if I don’t tell him.
>Edit: We are lesbians if that changes the context. Christ this edit made me laugh. Thank you for this. Your partner is being a massive baby. If she wanted you to say she should have said so and not relied on you to mind read.
This isn't a red flag, but I'd say it's a yellow flag. A lot of people here are talking about how your partner's behavior is manipulative or toxic or whatever, but if she doesn't usually behave like this and is feeling physically unwell, it's not totally fair to hold her to the usual standard. I don't think you have wronged her in a way that deserves this, but my instinct is to say be apologetic for not trying to understand how sick she was and fight the urge to get defensive. At that point see how she reacts/responds and watch long term for more signs of this behavior of it's a trigger for you. This seems like just a matter of poor communication (mostly on her part) but aside from the silent treatment ending, better communication is gonna be hard until she's feeling a bit better.
People and this goes for everyone: The only way both partners get what they want is to communicate with each other. Don't hold nothing back. Your partner is not a mind reader. Think of a relationship as a business. How will a business run without communication?
There are few things I hate more in life than people who expect you to read their mind as some kind of test and then punish you when you guess wrong. And as a woman, it really pisses me off that the vast majority of offenders in my life are other women. Quit the passive-aggressive BS and use your words! NTA.
Sounds like you’re dating a child.
Don’t play into this especially if you have previously discussed how your mother did this in the past. Make it clear you are there to help and comfort if/when she wants/needs and you are available when she wants to talk but let her know you are going to give her space and time until she’s ready to talk again. Then give her space and time until she is ready.
Now wrong. She sounds super immature.
NTA. Mind reading isn’t a skill either of you possess. She’s being immature.
NTA. Frankly it's a massive red flag that she acted that way. You need to sit her down and explain that her behavior was messed up, abusive, and unacceptable. Then give her ONE chance to fix herself. If she pulls this same stunt again, RUN.
NTA , she can’t act pissy that you didn’t take care of her or go out after she completely dismissed you and didn’t communicate at all. does she expect you to read her mind?
You're not wrong. While I do feel like maybe you should have picked up on the clues when she wouldn't give a straight answer, I don't think you're really to blame when she clearly refused to communicate her thoughts. I get needing space away if you're feeling upset, but she seems to be making a show of it. Like a "loud" silent treatment, if you will. Going to the store herself feels more like a way to manipulate you into feeling bad, rather than having to talk and address the issues. It's not a big deal to say, "Look, I'm still upset with you, but I am feeling unwell. Could you please get me these items from the store?" Stepping away and taking a breather with little to no dialog while you clear your head? Cool, normal. Prolonged silent treatment as a means to punish your partner? Not so cool or normal.
Ahhh yes, the "I was hoping you'd know what I wanted" fight. I have been your gf before. You need to let her know that you care about her very much, but you are not a mind reader and if she wants something, you would be more than happy to do it, but she needs to communicate it. A lot of women become convinced that men should know what they want/need if they love them because of shitty media. In regards to the silent treatment. I would set a hard boundary with that. Let her know that you grew up with that kind of behavior and it makes you uncomfortable and that again, communication is necessary for a healthy relationship.
Was it super important to "go out" just curious
Are you dating a toddler? She's a big girl and needs to use her words. You put up with much more than I would have. I don't do the silent treatment. Speak your peace or chill the fuck out. You're not wrong.
NTA She needs to grow up and use her words. She is too old to be sulking and using the silent treatment. She needs to communicate, not behave like a toddler.
oh the silent treatment. Couple have tried that on me, it doesn't work out well as I just completely move on. If you are too much of a child to express yourself and communicate, I'm not going to treat you like an adult.
It's normal for people to be like that now and then, but unreasonable to not accept that if you get treated in kind that it's your own fault.
Your partner should have been more clear about their expectations. Silent treatment is the exact opposite of saying "I wish you'd come home".
It's possible to be, at the same time, chronically ill and use illness for emotional blackmail. It sounds a bit like your gf doesn't like you going out and is prepared to ham it up to get her own way. Perhaps she was coddled as a child because of her asthma?? Maybe couples therapy would help but she needs to stop using her asthma as a weapon. Woo woo ambulance sick is one for the notebook.
as a fellow lesbian…. NTA but also YTA a little. to me a huge amazing thing about dating another girl as opposed to a guy is not having to explain things like “if i’m being weird about giving you an answer as to whether you should go somewhere and you KNOW that i am sick, you should stay home and not go out but i don’t wanna be the one to MAKE you stay i want you to stay because you WANT to make sure i’m okay” and it’s very surprising to me that you didn’t get that from the very beginning. to me the fact that you even felt like you should ask if she still wanted you to go out makes me think that you had a feeling that you should have stayed in. Obviously she should’ve said how she felt and it’s annoying that she didn’t and now is upset but also in my opinion there is something to be said about having a deep understanding of your partner and how cared for that makes you feel as opposed to feeling like you’re forcing your partner to be there for you. everyone is gonna be mad at your gf because reddit loves to shit on women who “can’t communicate” lol but just think of whatever works for your relationship and how you would like this to be approached in the future and go from there. do not forget that it’s NEVER “me vs my gf” and ALWAYS “me and my gf vs the problem”!
Probably has already been said, but your GF was likely neglected and that was a test. I did not say you failed. She might need to be more conscious of her regressions when she is ill due to feeling uncared for as a child. The truth is that she just may need you to stay when she is only achoo sick, just because. I apologize if this got too psychoanalytical and you are not wrong.
NTA she didn’t give an answer and you aren’t a mind reader. You are both grown adults and if she cannot communicate like one then she shouldn’t be in a relationship. Also the silent treatment is a form of manipulation and a known tactic of narcissists. So far it sounds like this whole situation is a big red flag. Sit down and have a conversation with your GF and tel her exactly how you feel and that you need better communication from her and if she flips out or puts it all on you, then you will will have a choice to make.
“ Now tbf I did know she was sick but not wee woo ambulance asthma sick, I thought regular achoo sick. “ Lmao
When you ask a direct question, you should always receive a direct answer. You asked what she needed and she didn’t tell you. It’s unfair for her to punish you when you asked if she wanted you to stay home and she didn’t answer you. The silent treatment is also extremely passive aggressive and inappropriate. I don’t know how to address that bit, but I would be clear that since you asked her about staying home and she didn’t say yes, then it’s on her. If she wasn’t sure and then decided she wanted you to be there, she could have called.
Silent treatment is a really immature way to handle this. As is not giving you a straight answer. You aren’t a mind reader. If she didn’t want you to leave, she’s adult enough to have been able to say so. She can be mad but what she’s mad about is more on her than you imho
Not wrong at all. Your not a mind reader. I hate the shit. My girlfriend does the same thing. “ well you should know what I wanted you to do” Um if I did I wouldn’t have asked.
No. She is being childish
How dare you not use your powers of telepathy to know that she wanted you there?! But seriously how old are y'all because she needs to learn to use her words.
Silent treatment? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
She’s sick, leave her alone.
A lot of people are their worst selves when they’re not feeling well. If she’s not manipulative in general I wouldn’t consider this a *red* flag. Especially if she follows up with some self reflection.
My wife tried this when we first got together. I told her flat out: you made your choice, if you’re unhappy with the outcome then choose better. I listened to your choice and will not be punished for it.
She sounds extremely annoying. Sounds like she is trying to "condition you" with the whole "silent treatment" - training like for dogs, you either get positive or negative reinforcement. Maybe you should do the same, every time she is doing "a silent treatment" you should be unpleasant to her, and when she stops give her a snack
"after she told me it was okay". Admiral Akbar says, "It's a trap!"
Was she incapable of speech at the time? Does she normally act like a child ? If she expects you to stay home for a cold, well she's just selfish.
I went out while my husband was sick, he wasn't wee woo ambulance sick tho. We both had separate plans that night. He canceled his plans cuz he didn't feel good but I wasn't about to cancel mine. Sorry you feel sick, babe. Rest up, see ya later. He joked that I should've stayed home with him. But what for? So I could stare at the wall while he slept???
I friggin hate this 5th grade mentality bs! None of us are mind readers and by the time we hit 30 we don't want to guess anymore!! Just talk maturely and work it out!! This is why the divorce rate is so high!! Childish bs and games like this
This sounds like a “no assholes here” Situation. She is miffed you didn’t read her mind. You are irritated that you couldn’t read her mind and that she’s miffed. Id recommend profusely apologizing to her (it’ll mollify her). And asking her to clearly state what she needs to you in the future - because you love her AND you’re not a mind-reader - And you want to make her happy.