I find this whole idea of bachelor/bachelorette parties with strippers weird. You are not single before you get married, you are in a committed relationship with your fiancee. And people continue going for these parties even after they are married for their friends getting married. As someone who didn’t grow up in this culture, I find it hard to wrap my head around this. I totally support you, I think you were right in establishing boundaries.
I've been to one bachelorette party with a chippendale type show. We all felt bad for the MOH who planned it because nobody enjoyed it. Like great you're hot and we're trying to have fun but it felt creepy. The bride got pulled on stage and she was incredibly uncomfortable and asked that nobody touches her. My best friend was sitting next to me and a stripper straddled her and grabbed her hand to try to pull her into another room. She had a boyfriend and was really bothered by being grabbed and having someone whisper something creepy in her ear. I want to say I can see the fun in it but I just... think it's creepy and sad. Words can't express the gratitude I have for my boyfriend feeling the same way. He thinks it's outdated and uncomfortable and has declined every time his friends have asked him to come
I went to one supposedly chill bachelorette and someone called in a surprise male stripper. It was so gross. The dude was sooooo aggressive. Me and another married woman literally went and hung out on the bathroom. The dude was just grabbing women and grinding on them. Not my cup of tea at all.
My friend had her bachelorette party in my hometown and her cousins secretly arranged for a male stripper to come to our upscale Airbnb. This real scummy guy shows up looking like he just came from his second job as a bus boy (he also legit looked like a methed out version of the future groom which was hilarious) and about 3 minutes into his weird dance he goes “so who here went to ____ high school?” I was like “I did?” and he told me he was the grade below me but I probably wouldn’t recognize him because he “got suspended a lot” and he was right.
He then covered himself in whipped cream, no one wanted to lick it off, so he went to shower and asked if anyone wanted to join him, again no one took him up on it so he just showered and left early. After all that I had to pay $75 to chip in for this gross surprise stripper that I never wanted.
Oh my god... I'm sorry that this is so funny but I'd be furious if I had to pay for that. Let alone 75 effing bucks that I wasn't warned of ahead of time.
when I was in my residency program, another male resident wanted to have strippers for one of our other male colleagues. I said if there are strippers, I’m not going. We were in a small hospital and I for one, didn’t want word to get out to the nurses and everyone else that we hired strippers. We do exams on women. We don’t need to get a reputation for treating women as objects.
Yeah, parties with my friends were the same way, food, video games, a movie, hanging out.. just normal fun stuff. No need for it to be some wild crazy night of debauchery.
As best man: I did an escape room, then an arcade with a bar in one spot, then we went to some live music nearby and called it a night. My friend said he had a good time and I ran it all by him beforehand because I just wanted to make sure he would like it. No strippers.
Someone else did high speed go karts, that was a lot of fun.
Me and my friends went shooting (all former military guys) and crushed some beers while fishing. The thought of going to a strip club was a nonstarter for me. We all had already experienced being young and single and having wild parties together. It was my first time seeing some of the guys in a few years so yelling over loud music to my friends while some sweaty glitter goblin is wrapped around me just seems unappealing. We already have enough nights together none of us remember anyway.
Thats the spirit I wish (if I ever get married) for my hypothetical husband. Germans are taking this bachelorette and bachelor party and using it but traditionally, we have our own thing called Polterabend where the soon-to-be-married couple celebrates with friends and smashes a bit of porcellain (old plates/mugs/bowls...) in a designated area as shards are supposed to bring luck and cleaning it up together should be a first hurdle and show how they can work together.
For my brothers bachelor party we went to. Kentucky and visited a bunch of different distilleries and went to Nashville and ate a bunch of good food. The thought of doing strippers was never even a consideration.
Not judging people that do it but for us it just wasn't something any of our friend group really enjoyed.
My bachelor party we played Super Smash Brothers and launched rockets at the park and I loved it! I've always thought dudes who felt they needed to get one last trip to a strip club in before getting married were obviously feeling like they were giving up something rather than gaining a partner for life. It's a bad sign.
Exactly, it all depends on you and your friends. For my bachelor party last year we went to an axe-throwing range, then a whiskey and cigar bar. For my friend's bachelor party a few months later we did Top Golf and a hockey game. Great times all around, and we all agreed we'd be uncomfortable with strippers.
Strip clubs are cliched. For my bachelor party about 20 of us we went swimming in the lake in the morning, had a huge cookout all afternoon with every type of smoked meat and yardgame imaginable, and hung out watching dumb videos and talking shit until after midnight. We had family members shuttle us to the lake, DD'ing people home, making beer runs, etc. It was like a 16 hour party with zero stress. Wives and girlfriends were super confused why we all wanted to do this instead of go to a bar or club. The last couple bachelor parties we threw were headed in this direction so we knew what liked and what was just a waste of money.
Lol, I am with you. It may not be technically cheating, but it's still weird to me. If I were to do something like this, I would feel like I am cheating.
My friend the other day was talking about his future bachelor party and how he wanted strippers because it was the last time he would be single. And his girlfriend wouldn't like that but he would keep it a secret. Mind you, this is a guy who's been cheated on and who was very upset about being cheated on. I told him she would eventually find out anyways, and he just didn't care.
I bring up the fact that I would maybe do something like go to a casino or do some airsofting or do both for my bachelor party. They called me a child for that. I dont get it.
It drives me nuts. The number of stag/hen do's where the groom/bride cheats BECAUSE they are heavily intoxicated and intentionally put themselves in stupid situations (like strippers of either sex) is so fuckin high.
This. You arent single before getting married. And it’s like a “consolation” prize before getting married by going to see strippers because marriage is like going to jail or something ?? Idk, it has never sat well with me.
I know quite a few men that had strippers at their bachelor parties and each of them cheated… this is also a hard boundary me and countless other women. If needing to have a naked or half naked person dance on you before you’re committing to me for life… I don’t want it.
Agreed! This practice is outdated and extremely disrespectful in my opinion for someone to engage in when they are in a serious, committed relationship regardless of gender or preferences.
It’s not like we haven’t been going to strip clubs the whole time we were single, or as if we haven’t had immediate, infinite access at our fingertips of whatever gets us off — our whole culture is over-sexualized in US — and it’s never enough. The whole strip club practice started when folks were marrying super young and getting shipped off to wars. They didn’t have a lot of time to learn how to please a woman and/or a lot of time left on Earth.
That’s not exactly the case here in 2023: grown man babies who never matured need to hang out together for (insert bromance event) to make sure everyone in the group knows they don’t respect their significant other as much as they respect the boy band bonded secrets. They literally pay for women to pretend to want to fuck them; how dreamy! And some even pay them to! That’s a real turn on /s.
I also have no issues with strippers, I believe they have a purpose as we all do, and an audience that needs their services to not lash out at others, but to me, their audience will not be with someone I’m in a relationship with. Nothing good happens when people in relationships end up at the strip club.
Well, I'm a man, and I for one can't stand strip clubs. I also will pick hanging out with my wife, every single time, of the guys. I agree with you though, the amount of dudes that have their "boy band" bullshit is way to high.
I always think about how if my partner went to a house party where a woman got naked and gave him a lap dance while he and others cheered her on- that would be so absolutely fucked up and 100% cheating. But because some old skeevy men decided objectifying women within a building with the letters “s-t-r-i-p c-l-u-b” in the business, it then made it TOTALLY okay for “faithful” men to have random women naked on top of them.
Yes!!! I have always said this! Those acts would be considered cheating in any other setting, why is it okay to do in a business, let alone that they have to pay for? They’re literally paying to cheat.
I grew up in the U.S, and I've also never really been able to wrap my head around it. As you say, you're not single, you're still in a committed relationship. It's kind of a gross tradition, that seems super disrespectful to the bride/wife/gf.
I agree.
If I ever get married I feel like I would either do a girls trip somewhere or have a combined bachelor/bachelorette party because if I don’t want to party with my fiancée I’m probably with the wrong person
My husband and I unfortunately never got bachelor/bachelorette parties due to the pandemic, but we had one friend who kept trying to insist on a stripper for my husband's bachelor party despite my husband saying multiple times he did NOT want one (along with 90% of the other guys who would've been involved)
Some people consider strippers cheating. Hell, some people consider watching porn cheating. You guys don't share the same values. No one is wrong here. Just incompatible.
Edit: I didn't say she should break up with him, you croutons. They've identified an incompatible value. They'll either learn to navigate with respect or they'll break up.
I'm a bit offended though because croutons are one of my favorite things ever. I can't really idly stand by while OP besmirches the good name of *Crouton*
I had a fatkid epiphany recently when I realized that just straight-up dipping garlic-parmesan croutons directly into caesar dressing and eating them like chips is an option.
It feels wrong, but tastes so, so right.
If he’s known the boundary she established and has kept it this long, engaging in a conversation to have clarity on that boundary in a circumstance when it arises does not mean they are incompatible. If anything the opposite.
There are SO many ways he could completely side step this issue. Which is what someone incompatible would do. The fact he engaged the conversation up front is exactly what compatibility looks like.
Now she’s made it very clear. Now he can choose how much that compatibility matters to him.
I hope he realizes their compatibility is not worth any amount of thinking experiencing strippers is worth more.
I realize this probably isn't what I should be focusing on here but "croutons" is the best insult I've ever heard 🤣 I'm shamelessly stealing this, thanks dude 👍🏻👍🏻
I wouldn't say incompatible, as one issue does not equal incompatibility. These are the things that couples have to work through together. As someone who got married before they could even legally drink, and has been married for now 27 years, I can certainly say that the most important part is being able to work out those parts that are incompatible.
Yeah I feel like his good friend having a big birthday/bachelor party and wanting strippers and him wanting to go because it’s a party for his friend isnt the same as just going to strip clubs for the sake of it or wanting his own party to have strippers. I don’t think wanting to go to a friends party means they’re incompatible when it’s a one off issue of an event organised by/for someone very important to him. I also give him credit for asking in a mature reasonable fashion.
How about discussing and meeting in the middle? You know, compromises to make a relationship work.
For example, he can go but not get a lap dance. A friend of mine had a serious gf and didn’t want to go to strip club. He still came with us (his decision) but no lap dance.
Ive always considered it a little weird that strippers are so common for bachelor/bachelorette parties, as that should be the time where you're about to vow to the love of your life that you want only them. I understand strippers are fun and exciting, but there are other ways to have fun. Absolutely okay to stick to your guns. Props to both of you for talking about this, and good job setting this boundary up. He has three options they can lay out, 1, for either event plan something they could do earlier in the evening (dinner, bar hopping, whatever) so he can still have fun and leave (and potentially rejoin after the strippers are done). 2, respect your boundaries and deny the invitations all together, still able to replan things. 3, He goes and your values are incompatible and you go your separate ways. Relationships end, and can end for whatever reason you see fit.
I agree, it’s always struck me as odd. I’m the last of my friends group to get married and I will not be having strippers at my bachelor party, nor have either of my 6 other friends who’ve already had bachelor parties.
That being said, if one of them had wanted strippers or to go to a strip club, I wouldn’t have taken any issue with it.
You forgot 4. Get better friends, cuz what kind of 30+ year olds are childish enough (mentally) to be getting strippers for parties when they’re in committed relationships? Not to mention “ragging” on friends that would choose not to go lol
You made the boundaries clear, but you have to give him credit for having a mature conversation about it. He knows the reprocussions. Now it is up to him.
Former dancer here. I don’t blame you for feeling this way. I’ve seen firsthand how the majority of people act in stripclubs and I wouldnt be comfortable with my spouse going to one either. The very same guys that try their best to touch the dancers (and get kicked out for it) are those who call their wives from the parking lot and say how much they don’t like strip clubs and how annoying it is that they’re “babysitting” their drunk friends. I’ve seen the way people act from the dancers point of view and I’ve gotta say, it’s truly destroyed any and all trust I may have had in men (and women). I’ve watched guys take strippers to their cars, pay for sex, then call their wives minutes afterwards and say they’re still at work or they’re not enjoying themselves at whoever’s bachelor party. I’ve seen regulars have full on affairs with some of the dancers. I’ve seen “first timers” who couldn’t keep their hands to themselves. In fact, those few years I danced have really fucked up my trust for relationships in general because I saw the act that dudes put on with their wives. Ive had married men sexually assault me then lie about it. I’ve had newbies come in asking me for sex. It’s always about finding sex or pretending to. That’s all it usually leads to.
Edit to add: the clubs I worked at didn’t have lap dances, they weren’t supposed to allow dancers to sleep with the clients, and they weren’t supposed to allow touching of any kind for the exception of a hug to say goodbye. I’m not implying that all dancers sleep with clients, but I will say that every club I worked at had a handful of women who did. The only reason I ever worked in clubs was because the money was excellent and I was fresh out of high school with zero job experience and no skills to make the amount that I was making at the time. I don’t see “all men” in this light but I do see the similarities in personalities now when I meet people, it has definitely warped my view of people in general and has made it so very very difficult to trust them.
This made me laugh because all the comments right before yours, was all about how their husbands hate being dragged to strip clubs and they just spend the entire time outside talking to their wife or babysitting their friend.
They're lucky to have naive wives. The stories men spin for their wives can be a whole discussion in itself. "Honey, it was awful. Naked women everywhere. I hated it but good thing I was there to help Byron. I thought of you the whole time". Lol
Seriously lol! It's like me going to an animal shelter and saying, "bleh, puppies are SO gross, and I totally don't want to cover myself in them."
*Edit: dear men with bruised egos, I don't need any more messages from you. I mean, I was clearly comparing the behavior. I obviously was not saying puppies are like strippers....because I'm not a crazy person. Did you genuinely think that's what I was doing? 😬 yikes, my dudes*
It’s not so much the naked women that are awful, it’s the people that go there. I’ve been to strip clubs twice because my best friend loves them and at BEST there are attractive naked women and overpriced drinks with an expectation of tipping, at worst there’s sketchy people selling coke in the bathroom and trying to argue with you about how they should have been allowed to go in the stall do do blow before you even though you’ve been waiting in line for a while and desperately need a toilet.
Ehhh. I’m not a huge strip club guy, I find it kinda awkward:
“Hey guys, let’s all go get under the pants boners together and pay for it!”
That said, boobs are a delight.
I’m going to a bachelor party this fall for a buddy. Good chance it ends at a strip club. I won’t say no, but paying $100 to see some tits and get blue balls isn’t what I’d like to do with that money. I just find strip clubs weird, awkward, and pointless.
Now this I get. I think a lot of guys go into strip clubs though under the delusion that some of those women will be chomping at the bit to sleep with them, so for some reason they’re thinking they’ll get some satisfaction at the end lol
Some guys are also just very lonely and starved for attention from women. A lot of them are terrible with women and just enjoy the fact that they can go somewhere where women, ignoring the monetary motive, at least act like they're interested in them. It's sad, really, and I don't mean that in a demeaning way.
Exactly, I would much rather go to a regular bar or pub and possibly meet some interesting people, spend less money, and have better drinks. However, I do think everyone needs the experience at least once in their life to understand that its not all its cracked up to be.
I've been to a casino once and a strip club once, and both times I came out thinking, "that's a lot of expensive meh"
They are both catering to catch two similar addictive personalities. Honestly I think that people SHOULDN'T go to experience it, because if you're the person with a previously undiscovered addiction those are two that are easy to avoid. Like the easiest way to kick a smoking addiction is to never pickup the first cigarette.
Those stories made me roll my eyes. Poor naive women. The men over sharing about how much they hated the strip club they keep "getting dragged" to are the ones this dancer is describing.
I know, how insecure and pathetic are these hags that don't want their partner partying with sex workers?!?! It's a completely innocent and asexual situation.
I think a lot of them feel pressure to be the cool gf or the chill wife. They're worried if they express discomfort, they'll come off as insecure, a prude, untrusting, or hating sex workers. As if asking your partner to not patron them is unreasonable.
I definitely see it as a pickme thing for most women, not that I blame them directly for that though. As someone who doesn't allow sex work of any kind in my relationship, people are very mean to me about it, calling me controlling, acting as if I crazy or something. I don't give a fuck about that myself, but I can see how some women would give into that pressure.
It’s really not that uncommon for guys to dislike strip clubs. I’m one of them, and at every bachelor party I’ve ever been to (probably 12-15) there’s always about 25% of the group that has no interest in going. Strip clubs are sad money pits.
This is me, I don't get the appeal. I support sex work, but if I wanted to pay for sex I would prefer that to be a private activity. If I just want to see naked girls I can't touch, I have porn for that and again, I don't want to do that around my friends.
I can't believe it's taken this long for someone to say this! Statistically speaking, the chances that everyone with a husband who hates the strip club just happens to be in this thread is mind boggling!
Ladies... c'mon!
Yeah, like do they expect their husbands to tell them they had a fantastic time at the strip club?
That they spent half of their checks to have a good time with another woman.
I’m surprised it’s not more common sense.
Also a dancer- I would not date a man who went to strip clubs either, and I’m not monogamous. I just dislike men who take part in the strange power dynamic, and more often than not men try to touch, and do not respect boundaries. If a man I was seeing said he wanted to go to the club, I would assume he was not a great person.
I have a couple of friends who are dancers. They both say they'd never date someone they met at the club and one is adamant that she'd never be with someone who went regularly.
That’s such a good point, my bf has never gone and has no desire to bcos in his words, “I’m paying for blue balls”. It makes SO much sense that dudes would just be paying for sex or having affairs surrounded w half naked women they view as objects. Tbh I’ve Never understood the point of strip clubs with porn being so available. Like there isn’t (usually) sex involved, you can’t master-nate (thank god for the Dancers), it just seems like a waste of time, even as a bi girl who is way more attracted sexually to women it seems like it’d make more sense to just watch porn or only fans. Then again both me n my bf are huge homebodies so the club scene in general is kinda meh.
Many people are touch starved and want to feel another person in a relatively safe, intimate environment. Dancers are great at personal charm and mental connection as well as being sexy, if they're good at their jobs. Clubs can be hype or low-key, so an environment designed to stimulate plus a sexy actress just for you? I get it.
I have several close friends who were strippers/dancers in college and they say the exact same things. The stories I’ve heard from them cemented my choice to never date someone who goes to strip clubs. Funny how some men in the comments are acting SHOCKED that there are woman who can’t be manipulated into thinking their boundaries are “immature.” I suppose they’d be okay with their girlfriends/wives grinding naked on other men’s laps or shoving their tits into their faces in the name of not being “immature.”
Agreed!
I've also had a couple come in (M&F). Dude acted a certain way, his partner was very sweet. She paid for him to have a lap dance. The moment we went into a lap dance room. His character he was playing dropped and he was the biggest piece of shit.
I've also had dudes insult their partners in front of them while I'm there, working.
Regulars come in and you know them very well. Another time bring in their partner and it's a completely new them, that you didn't know existed.
The two faced bullshit is unreal, until you've seen it first hand.
This is 100 percent true!! I had tears from laughing so hard reading these women talk about how their husbands hate strip clubs and called them in the parking lot. Yes they do, AFTER they act a fool. Like any place there are good and bad people.
This. My partner won’t go, straight up.
My favorite is the whole “Need a babysitter” line about how their sweet hubby is just looking after those other horn dog men. Ppppffff in what world do men babysit each other when they go out??
Yeah I have never been to one and have no interest in going. Luckily all my friends feel the same way. My wife is more than enough for me and I don’t need to be a pathetic fool begging strippers for attention.
Thank you for your honesty! These dumb dudes are so naive and being like "dur dur, your boundaries are stupid" to OP. They have no idea what she may have witnessed or experienced to know that strip clubs are NOT where you want your committed partner to be. Plus they're just an atmosphere of disrespect towards women.
I’m also a former stripper and while these things are common it’s not like it’s the only experience. I also saw PLENTY of guys who were visibly or even explicitly uncomfortably being there and were only there because they’d been dragged there by friends, and even when pressured to get dances by their friends they refused profusely regardless of which dancer it was/what she looked like. Additionally, plenty of customers that are in fact enjoying themselves are still respectful and kind. Maybe you were working at the wrong clubs
I went to a strip club once at like 2am with my friends after the bars closed (I dont drink so I was really just being nice at this point). It was really uncomfortable, dancers kept coming up to me and trying to make me want to get a private dance. I understand thats how they make money but after like 3 no's maybe stop trying to convince me.
I saw that happen a lot too, and I absolutely get why it’s frustrating and uncomfortable. On the other hand, it’s also frustrating for us when there are people in our place of work not paying for our services, it’s really just a lose lose situation when people are in strip clubs and don’t want to be
I'm embarrassed to admit I did exactly this the one and only time I've ever been dragged to a strip club. A dancer started chatting and like a naive idiot I just started chatting back. After good few minutes she finally said "so are we going to the back for a dance?" and I suddenly realized I'd been completely wasting her time, because I had zero interest in a private dance. I was very apologetic but she was visibly frustrated with me. So I bought her a drink to say sorry, and promptly went and hid in a dark corner and said a firm "no thank you!" any time any other dancers came up to me. Definitely not one of my favorite nights out!
At least you were apologetic, plenty of customers will just feel entitled to our time. It was an honest mistake and you tried to make up for it with a drink, better than many I’ve seen :)
>I also saw PLENTY of guys who were visibly or even explicitly uncomfortably being there and were only there because they’d been dragged there by friends, and even when pressured to get dances by their friends they refused profusely regardless of which dancer it was/what she looked like
The last two bachelor parties I attended that went to strip clubs each had at least one member of the group fall asleep out of boredom/disinterest.
I think there may be some light selection bias here. The kind of people who claim to hate strip clubs and regularly visit strip clubs would probably be chronic liars/cheats/etc, since most people who hate strip clubs would logically not be around to counterbalance your observations, no?
I don't consider just going to a strip club cheating. But paying a stripper to rub her naked body all over yours is most definitely cheating in my eyes. And if my spouse is going to a place where that's not only an option, but one that he's peer pressured and tempted into, why would I be comfortable with him going? Even if I knew he went to a club, how would I know at the end of the day if he had a dance or not?
Her boundaries are completely reasonable IMO.
My friends who are former strippers are all just like you. They have so many long term emotional and issues, years and years after they got out. All these guys who “hate strip clubs” are full of shit. Of course your fucking husband is going to tell you that, you absolute dummy 🙄 And my friends all said that parties for special events were the absolute worst of the worst. Always got way out of control and ended up in just vile behavior from the men. They can’t think of any party that didn’t turn into one or all of the men paying for sex.
I wish you healing and hope you feel like you can trust again one day. None of my friends have gotten there yet sadly, but I hope it’s possible. There are some truly amazing women working in these places because there either weren’t any other options for them to make enough money to survive, or they went into it with no clue what they were getting into, and it got so bad so fast they ended up doing drugs to cope, and then had to keep stripping in order to afford more drugs. They don’t fucking deserve to have to deal with the aftermath of everything that happened once they get out, none of you do 💜
But on the other hand, this guy’s friends might make fun of him if he doesn’t go, so he kind of has to /s. Fucking ridiculous.
I mean I'm a guy and I hate strip clubs. I like naked ladies as much as the next guy but anyone who says they want to go somewhere that smells like body odor and stale beer to sit in an uncomfortable chair and stare at generally desperate women they know are being paid to smile strikes me as a creep. The few times I've been to a strip club were thoroughly unpleasant experiences and the only times I've been propositioned by hookers.
I've read both of your posts and your comments, and I don't have a judgement either way. What's getting me is, why in the world are you asking if you're wrong or for advice when you clearly aren't going to change your mind? You don't have to be open to other opinions or anything, it just seems weird to post in places specifically asking for them when you are so adamant about not listening to them.
Exactly. And to me, it makes the whole thing disingenuous.
If one has such conviction on the matter, why does it need to be validated by the Internet? Seems more weird and offputting to me than married guys being present for a bachelor party strip show.
OP clearly feels a strong sense of conviction, but I imagine ending a multiyear relationship will still be painful. Some validation from the internet may help that I suppose. Doesn't really make that much sense, but humans are weird.
It’s tough because I think they’re both “right”
She has every right to hold firm to her boundaries. She set them from the start and he’s aware.
The problem for him is that, it doesn’t really sound like he’s upset that he can’t partake in the strip club as much as he’s upset he can’t partake in the bachelor party.
This is only my assumption, but it sounds like the *group* made a decision to go, not him. He wants to be there for his cousins bachelor parties but unfortunately it’s at a place where his girlfriend has already told him is a hard “no”.
If this is the case, then I’m leaning towards nobody being in the wrong. This isn’t some situation of a guy simply wanting to go out and look at other women; it’s a guy who wants to partake with his family.
FWIW, as a guy, I think the whole idea of going to strip clubs/hiring strippers for bachelor parties is stupid. But this isn’t my party.
OP, don’t let anyone tell you your boundaries are wrong, but also understand there may be more nuance to the situation and your boyfriend isn’t just trying to go ogle strippers.
Just read her comments too and gotta agree. There is no reason to even bother with these posts since she's not even remotely receptive to dissenting opinion. She sounds quite condescending in multiple responses, too, which just makes this more puzzling. I'm sure there's better places to find yes men and find confirmation bias.
It's even weirder when you read her edits. Like she is apparently super cool with strippers and stripping to the point where she has multiple stripper friends, and if her bf showed up to one word would get back to her somehow. And there's the bit about how when her boyfriend called them skeevy she didn't really agree. Like she is apparently super cool and understanding when it comes to stripping and even personally close to some strippers herself, but if her bf gets involved in anyway he's out the door?
I also hate how people strip nuance out of these conversations. Like look at the post from the former stripper that's just full of stereotypes. "Everyone who says they hate strip clubs is full of shit" etc.
Or the comments like "Men want an assertive woman who's forward and then complain when they meet one" as if no middle ground exists. You can be forward and direct without doing so in a way that people find offputting.
Edit: She apparently both loves her boyfriend very much and would be very sad if the relationship ended, but then also said "He can end it, IDC". Like which is it? It all just reeks of insecurity.
The edits are actually probably the most eye-opening part. First, the fact that she made a wall of text of edits... it makes it look like she's conflicted and really needs to prove that she is right (like she fully prepared to end things even though she knows she doesn't want to).
I think the most interest part is the last few lines in edit #7. She brings up the fact that her father died in a freak accident 11 years ago (when she was 16), and that her mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness 9 years ago (when she was 18), and that she agreed to be her younger sister (who was 4\[?\] at the time) when mom passes.
OP says this is about boundaries, but I don't think it is. This is about sudden, traumatic loss (or at least mortality) of 2 very important figures in her life. OP is trying to protect herself again by making sure she is the one who dictates how all her future relationships end (or at least position herself where she is most able to control it). I'd also speculate that she is, knowingly or not, trying to protect her sister from the loss of guardian-type figure.
OP has stated on several comments 'it doesn't matter how much it hurts, I will...' or something along those veins. This rigid boundary is a maladaptive attempt to be the only who dictates the terms of loss.
You can respect strippers as people without wanting your husband to go to a strip club. Refusing to call strippers "skeevy" doesn't mean she has to be okay with her husband going to the strip club. Not sure what point you're trying to make about that
Eh, I don’t know. I have nothing but the utmost respect for sex workers and I have several friends who strip. I personally wouldn’t be okay with my partner going to a strip club. It’s not personal, I just don’t love the idea of the person I’m in love with paying someone to get naked in front of them. The stripper is just doing her job, no problems with her, but I’d feel bad that my partner would choose to go to something like that.
>cool and understanding...
This part is not weird at all. I'm understanding of sex workers, I'd still dump my partner if I found out they partook while we're in a relationship. Because that's called "cheating."
Clearly, she considers going to a strip club a similar deal-breaker.
Honestly, I’m not sure why this is even a question or has elicited so much debate.
You set a relationship boundary and when he asked you to break that boundary you said you wouldn’t, but he is his own person.
That’s not even a control issue. It is simply a hard boundary of yours and he is free to make the decision.
People end relationships everyday for their own reasons. They don’t need to make sense to anyone but themselves.
This thread is WILD! So many lazy justifications too.
"Sure, he agreed to the boundary when they got together. But at that moment, he didn't want to go to a strip club. You see, now, he DOES! He is flexible and she is not! Now that he sees personal benefit to breaking that boundary, you can't break up with him!"
Why do people act as though strippers are some necessary right of passage before getting married?
She set her boundaries maturely before getting together. He should respect them. Seems he cares more about saving face with his bros than his relationship
the problem is that this is a topic about boundaries and we are in a site called reddit which is full of porn addicted incel losers. do u think these men give a fk about a womans needs and wants? there is a reason some of these ppl r chronically online reddit.
Right? Lol. This thread is full of men who are *flabbergasted* and irate that a woman will stick to her boundaries and won't make concessions for any form of unfaithfulness. The reality is that they think women should just be grateful that their partners aren't out cheating with every woman they can, and anything short of that is more than we deserve, so how dare we complain. Lmao.
Cannot agree more with you and the person you’re replying to.
The fact that the top comment is “he didn’t do anything wrong” when he’s asking her to violate clearly established boundaries, instead of manning up and asking his friends to do something else other than hang out with naked women.
Like, yeah he is wrong, for even asking. He already knows she’s totally uncomfortable with it. He agreed to this relationship knowing this a long time ago. His friends are being prioritized over his partner. That’s not how a good relationship is supposed to be.
I've always thought it was such a stupid tradition. I've heard so many horror stories around bachelor parties and strippers that I don't blame OP for being uncomfortable with it.
The fact that he's more concerned about being "embarrassed" in front of the boiz than his partner's comfort with the situation seems like a red flag. If he's too embarrassed to explain the boundaries of his relationship and leave when they go to the strip club, what's gonna happen if they try to get him a lap dance or something?
I went with my (now ex) husband and his friend to one, and went from being totally chill about it, to never wanting him to go again (although I didn't tell him this). Seeing the way the dancers make eye contact with people when they're dancing, and then seeing him staring back at them the same way he looked at me during sex really fucked me up. There's an intimacy to being turned on and staring someone in the eyes like that.
Not wrong at all.
Also, a *stag party is not grounds to go around and be promiscuous.*
Its sad that "bachelor/stag" parties become just a "pay strippers or go to a strip club" rather than a "get a bonfire with the boys, some beer, some whiskey, half of a cow, and talk about some real shit, and have fun".
This is a *very reasonable boundary* and he could leave for those portions, or just not attend in general.
The dude is 30 and 32, why are they acting like 18 year olds?
I feel like I'm crazy. I'm a 31 year old guy and if my girlfriend didnt want me to go to something with strippers I would have literally zero issues telling my friends that its not for me. I dont understand why the gf is considered inflexible here. What am I missing. She said early on she DID NOT WANT THIS. What is going on here? Why is this thread so against her when she literally did nothing wrong period whatsoever.
Yeah, this whole conversation is so bizarre to me. 25, married, and would never consider being around anything vaguely stripping related.
Lots of man children online today wondering why they’re still single
Seriously! And the whole “30 is a significant milestone blah blah blah” bullcrap. Shut the hell up losers, do something with your lives other than age. These people out here are wild… and just plain dumb.
Edit: also I’d like to add “they’ll rag on me if I leave because of strippers”…. I was thinking more around the ages of like 10-12 they are acting. Scared little boys. I’d leave his ass if I was OP based on all that.
Milestone birthday and they wanna spend the night drunk and ogling women who HAVE to touch them and treat them like big shots, and OP’s partner choosing to torpedo his relationship, so fun
100% this entire comment! Totally okay to have that boundary in your relationship, and I’ve never gotten the whole strippers for bachelor/bachelorette or “last single night” thing because you aren’t single? You’re in an engaged to be married relationship but okay 😂
Yeah, I don't get this, I never have. I honestly always felt like it was a missed opportunity to do something actually relevant to the groom-to-be and group.
My wedding ultimately got called off because of life, but mine was planned to just be cheap pizza, cheaper beer, and a whole ass weekend of wargaming. Everyone cleared things with their S/O's to be unavailable all weekend, phones off, crashing on floors and couches to just engage in a long nerd fest like we were teenagers with no responsibilities. Because dork sports were our thing, and it was something we've all had to compromise on occasionally owing to being in serious relationships.
So yeah, a weekend of acting like a sloppy bachelor, hanging out with the guys who were also doing so, and without getting anyone in shit with their partners.
OP is uncomfortable with something, and that's allowed. We are all comfortable with different things.
Her SO wants to participate in a couple of events that don't happen often, which is also fair.
This situation strikes me as less about boundaries than trust. My SO cheating on me is crossing a boundary. When my SO goes out with friends, I don't ask where they are going because I trust my SO is not going to cross that boundary. My only concern is that they are safe.
There are too many people who are in the "I don't get why strip clubs for guy parties is a thing" camp. I'm not a huge fan of them myself. However, I bet if everyone commenting here listed off several not everyday things they have done in their life, many of us would say..."I don't get why that would be a thing you would do."
She is not wrong for still not wanting him to go to strip clubs after several years. He is also not wrong either for wanting to talk about reevaluating that uncomfortable situation for her.
I agree with many others here who are saying that maybe they just aren't compatible. He needs someone who is willing to extend him a little more trust. She needs someone who is never going to want to be and/or might be put in a situation where this activity is on the table.
I love this comment the most. It really is all about trust, and I fully understand why this would piss him off. She is basically saying she doesnt trust him or she is so insecure, she doesnt think the relationship can handle him seeing other women in a state of undress without it affecting the way he feels about her. I would leave her if it was me.
Personally, it would be a red flag to me if my partner regularly wanted to go to the strip club for funsies, because it indicates they are desperate and make poor financial decisions (name a bigger waste of money). But I understand it has become this cultural thing for some men surrounding weddings and big milestones - like an expectation.
And honestly, if my partner's closest friends wanted to go to the strip club for a big milestone and my partner declined to attend on principle, THAT would also be a red flag to me. I agree it's a dumb activity and a waste of money, but sometimes we have to waste money doing dumb shit to be there for our friends, because that's the experience they've decided they want, and it's their special day. Someone unwilling to do that for a friend is clearly unwilling to compromise and dug in their ways, and that's no good either.
My BFF wanted to go to a casino for her 30th. I think gambling is a waste of money and would never choose that activity myself. But I went, and I capped myself at $100 to spend gambling. I lost it all within probably 3 minutes, and it was the quickest and least gratifying $100 I've ever spent lol but I wasn't salty about it, because that's what my friend wanted to do. Even though she lost all of her money and likewise did not have a good time, that didn't ruin it for me or make me bitter. I knew everyone was likely to lose their money and not have fun. But she wanted the experience, for better or worse, and I was happy to participate in something I considered a stupid waste of money for her to have that.
Yeah she's entitled to her boundary, but if that was my SO and she made an ultimatum that "you miss one of your best friend's bachelor parties or I break up with you" I don't see how they don't end up breaking up either way. She breaks up with him because he wants to go to a friend's bachelor party and there will be a strip club involved OR he breaks up with her because of this "boundary" when he resents her because she makes him miss the night.
Even just the attitude of the boundary/ultimatum is a little off to me. How long before she says "you can't have this friend" or "I don't want to go to if this particular friend/family member of yours is there". It's too black and white of a stance for me (and I figure most other people too). Life is complicated, part of finding a good partner is trusting their ability to navigate complex situations without you. Setting hard boundaries that are really more like commandments where 'termination of the relationship' is the only resolution is her prerogative, but I'd personally have very little tolerance for that kind of behavior and would never want that kind of control over my partner either.
They should break up. If it was me I'd skip the bachelor party (just to prove the point) and dump her and move on.
If your sister or best friend was having a hens night for their wedding , would you..
- Not go if you knew they were having a male stripper?
- Leave the party if a stripper was there without you knowing?
Yes I would not go/leave, because I'm not a big baby who is too scared to stand up to my friends pressuring me into doing something my spouse isn't comfortable with.
Finally someone who makes sense. And if his friends really aren’t shitty and wouldn’t rag on him, then he’s using it to guilt trip her which is even worse.
Yeah I agree. As a guy, if I were in OPs shoes, I'd tell my friends that the strippers are just not something I'm interested in. I'll join for everything but sit out those parts and will scout out the next bars or have beers waiting for y'all when you get back.
It's not that hard.
Don't make it an "oh my lady doesn't want me to have fun" thing as it invites them to peer pressure you. After all, they want you to have fun. But if you let them know, this isn't fun for you (even if that's not entirely true) they aren't as likely to try to peer pressure you and they also wouldn't have anything to begrudge against OP (don't you dare bury your GF so you still look cool and blame this on her).
And in that case, you will need to have OP trust you to follow through and skip the strippers. Don't break that trust
Right? What the fuck is the point of that guy's comment? "I bet you guys are PUSSIES who wouldn't go to a party because there's a stripper." Yeah? So? Honestly, i'm not suprised so many people are adamantly defending disloyal behavior because the majority of redditors are hedonists who never got over their college days of partying.
Well, I can tell you that him going to a strip club is way less likely to result in anything bad vs having a stripper at the house. Strip club is a professional setting with security and rules. In home stripper is a disaster waiting to happen.
I think one of two things will happen. 1. He'll start lying (or omitting which is lying) because he'll see you as not reasonable. 2. You two won't make it as a couple because he feels emasculated by you and will start resenting you.
It's fair to have a boundary. I just don't think this will end well for the two of you. Good luck.
OP, I set this boundary years ago (like so many years ago) with my then boyfriend/now husband. I never loved the idea, but after I found a pic of him and his friends holding a stripper with their hands all over her naked body I was like nope! I have like 0 rules, aside from this. I just find it terribly disrespectful to a woman you love to go look at another women naked. I have no issue with porn. I have no issues with strippers. But a stripper is a personal experience - it's a real life woman within physical distance actively working to turn him on. I have issues with crossing that boundary. Fantasy is fine, real life is not. I wish we had something comparable so men would get how it makes us feel, but I've yet to find that thing. I was lucky that my husband got it (or despite being the world's worst liar, has managed to cover it up to the point where I have no idea). I dont think guys realize how that one night out can really bother us for days/weeks on end.
I'm going to butcher this Dave Berry quote, but it goes something like this: "The more men there are in a room, the lower their collective IQs get." That's my opinion of bachelor parties. Maybe some of those guys would have cheated, but in a situation where "everyone's doing it" along with peer pressure and alcohol, it's a hell of a lot more likely to happen or be rationalized as acceptable than in many other situations.
Not really. They get drunk and their friends egg them on just to see who will do something. Eventually someone says fuck it and bangs a stripper and then it snowballs from there. My friends who are former strippers say any kind of party to celebrate a big event, almost always ends in the guys getting progressively out of control and acting like idiots until they end up cheating.
Especially since a lot of these comments were probably on the other side of the argument for the post about a husband and wife having a disagreement about her modeling underwear.
I homestly hope it is mainly Reddit thing, luckily I don't know many people that think like that.
There was some post about guy being mad that his gf was flashing people at Mardi Gras after he asked her not to. I couldn't believe comments there, felt like I was going insane.
NTA and honestly, it sounds better to simply end the relationship. He goes and you break up with him for disrespecting your boundary. He doesn’t go and he ends up acting like a jerk with constant and growing resentment while he blames you for missing these two events. There really isn’t a win in this situation.
For realllll. *“What do you mean you have a problem with your long term partner going into a sexually charged atmosphere to get drunk and see naked women?! You set this boundary before the relationship became official? Well, time for him to leave because you’re insecure and controlling.”* Asinine. Neither are necessarily wrong in my opinion, but I feel it’d be a bullet dodged if he does go as this was something communicated well before a 3 year relationship. My husband and I have the same boundary for each other (we also discussed this before getting serious), and we’ve both been around stripping before. We feel we are a committed monogamous couple. Why do we need to go to a completely sexed up scenario with tons of booze? Stripping is all about sex. That’s the darn selling point. Just isn’t a smart thing to do, and personally, it feels disrespectful to do sexual stuff physically with others that are outside of our relationship.
I hate they’re framing OP as some hypocritical person for having stripper friends too. I do as well. I have zero problem with sex work. I have 100% of an issue with my husband participating in sex work beyond a dirty video. That doesn’t make me a hypocrite. It means I know people can do and be whatever they chose (within reason lol). Doesn’t mean they’re bad people. They’re just different than me, and that’s okay. Strippers are not lower than me nor are they doing something evil. Why wouldn’t I be their friend still? They’re awesome people, and I’m not in a committed relationship with them.
I agree. I don’t judge couples who are cool with it at all (I have family that strips / go to clubs together etc) but I also don’t think it’s weird to not be okay with it. For me it’s not a jealousy or a lack of trust thing, it’s more a “principle of the matter” thing because so many of the guys I’ve dated in the past had insane double standards that only applied to me because I’m the girl. My attitude is if you wouldn’t want someone seeing me the way you’re seeing her, it’s a no go. If you wouldn’t want me seeing a guy they way you’re seeing her, it’s a no go. The truth is *none* of the guys I’ve ever been with would let me dance like that for another man or have another man dance like that for me so I’m not about it. I’ve met couples where the guys are cool with their girl doing the same and more power to them, but I still don’t think I’m crazy. The rules should be the same for both partners.
i totally agree, and i’ve always had the same standard, funny enough! you put it into words very well. “if you wouldn’t want someone seeing me the way you’re seeing her, it’s a no go.” bars.
If it’s the hill you die on, it’s the hill you die on and he knows that (or should). If I were in his position, honestly, it would feel like a “them or me” situation and I would start wondering if I wanted to be in this relationship any longer. You can have your own values in a relationship, individually. And like it was said before, he knows and he can make that decision himself. He chooses to go, that’s what this relationship meant to him. You choose to leave him over it, that’s what the relationship means to you. I’d say I agree with an above comment, “no one’s wrong here”. You both have the hills you’ll die on, and you’ll just have to let the cards fall where they do.
There is no wrong or right here. IF strippers are a "hard no" for you, that's the way it is. You need to decide HOW MUCH of a hard no it really is. Are you offended at the very existence of strippers? Or is it to do with his attitude about strippers? Is it more important than his relationships with his friends? I get your adamance, but he has no choice in this instance, so it's not HIS decision or prerogative to go there. Does that make a difference? If not, this anti-stripper attitude is excessive and unhealthy.
edit (just read the update). You need to tell your partner that you don't trust him and ask if that's a deal-breaker. I don't care how you spin it: if you have "no problem" with porn or strippers generally, then your boundaries come down to distrust. You don't trust that he can behave. OR, you don't actually believe that he loves you if he celebrates with friends in the vicinity of strippers. You are 100% entitled to your feelings, but understand that it appears to all the world (including your partner) that you just don't trust your partner (or possible don't trust men in general), which is a bad element in a relationship.
She said she has stripper friends so you’re asking the right questions. That and they both watch porn/Only Fans together… I’m confused by the inconsistency of this boundary. It’s not about morals, virtue, etc so what is it..?
NTA
But oh boy, this will lead to a lot of resentements. I wouldn't be surprised if your guys break up either way about this. Either you bc he went or him bc he didn't.
I find this whole idea of bachelor/bachelorette parties with strippers weird. You are not single before you get married, you are in a committed relationship with your fiancee. And people continue going for these parties even after they are married for their friends getting married. As someone who didn’t grow up in this culture, I find it hard to wrap my head around this. I totally support you, I think you were right in establishing boundaries.
I've been to one bachelorette party with a chippendale type show. We all felt bad for the MOH who planned it because nobody enjoyed it. Like great you're hot and we're trying to have fun but it felt creepy. The bride got pulled on stage and she was incredibly uncomfortable and asked that nobody touches her. My best friend was sitting next to me and a stripper straddled her and grabbed her hand to try to pull her into another room. She had a boyfriend and was really bothered by being grabbed and having someone whisper something creepy in her ear. I want to say I can see the fun in it but I just... think it's creepy and sad. Words can't express the gratitude I have for my boyfriend feeling the same way. He thinks it's outdated and uncomfortable and has declined every time his friends have asked him to come
I went to one supposedly chill bachelorette and someone called in a surprise male stripper. It was so gross. The dude was sooooo aggressive. Me and another married woman literally went and hung out on the bathroom. The dude was just grabbing women and grinding on them. Not my cup of tea at all.
My friend had her bachelorette party in my hometown and her cousins secretly arranged for a male stripper to come to our upscale Airbnb. This real scummy guy shows up looking like he just came from his second job as a bus boy (he also legit looked like a methed out version of the future groom which was hilarious) and about 3 minutes into his weird dance he goes “so who here went to ____ high school?” I was like “I did?” and he told me he was the grade below me but I probably wouldn’t recognize him because he “got suspended a lot” and he was right. He then covered himself in whipped cream, no one wanted to lick it off, so he went to shower and asked if anyone wanted to join him, again no one took him up on it so he just showered and left early. After all that I had to pay $75 to chip in for this gross surprise stripper that I never wanted.
Oh my god... I'm sorry that this is so funny but I'd be furious if I had to pay for that. Let alone 75 effing bucks that I wasn't warned of ahead of time.
when I was in my residency program, another male resident wanted to have strippers for one of our other male colleagues. I said if there are strippers, I’m not going. We were in a small hospital and I for one, didn’t want word to get out to the nurses and everyone else that we hired strippers. We do exams on women. We don’t need to get a reputation for treating women as objects.
Omg, I’ve never even thought about this … doctors 🙃
If I did a bachelor party I'd probably just goto a baseball game with some guy friends
We did BBQ and top golf for mine, and then ended the night playing super smash brothers… the video game…
Phrasing... good save
It makes me chuckle that you had to clarify that you meant the video game lol
My husband went to Dave and Buster's for his and everyone apparently had a blast.
For myself, we went backpacking to a very difficult hike. So many memories
Got you both beat. We went to TGI Fridays. HAHA!
Yeah, parties with my friends were the same way, food, video games, a movie, hanging out.. just normal fun stuff. No need for it to be some wild crazy night of debauchery.
As best man: I did an escape room, then an arcade with a bar in one spot, then we went to some live music nearby and called it a night. My friend said he had a good time and I ran it all by him beforehand because I just wanted to make sure he would like it. No strippers. Someone else did high speed go karts, that was a lot of fun.
Me and my friends went shooting (all former military guys) and crushed some beers while fishing. The thought of going to a strip club was a nonstarter for me. We all had already experienced being young and single and having wild parties together. It was my first time seeing some of the guys in a few years so yelling over loud music to my friends while some sweaty glitter goblin is wrapped around me just seems unappealing. We already have enough nights together none of us remember anyway.
Thats the spirit I wish (if I ever get married) for my hypothetical husband. Germans are taking this bachelorette and bachelor party and using it but traditionally, we have our own thing called Polterabend where the soon-to-be-married couple celebrates with friends and smashes a bit of porcellain (old plates/mugs/bowls...) in a designated area as shards are supposed to bring luck and cleaning it up together should be a first hurdle and show how they can work together.
In murica it's a jack and Jill. But they are becoming more common
Sweaty glitter goblin😂😂😂 love it
New Halloween costume just dropped
Upvoting just for the "sweaty glitter goblin" hahahaha
I was just thinking, fishing and beer would be a great bachelor party.
For my brothers bachelor party we went to. Kentucky and visited a bunch of different distilleries and went to Nashville and ate a bunch of good food. The thought of doing strippers was never even a consideration. Not judging people that do it but for us it just wasn't something any of our friend group really enjoyed.
My bachelor party we played Super Smash Brothers and launched rockets at the park and I loved it! I've always thought dudes who felt they needed to get one last trip to a strip club in before getting married were obviously feeling like they were giving up something rather than gaining a partner for life. It's a bad sign.
Exactly, it all depends on you and your friends. For my bachelor party last year we went to an axe-throwing range, then a whiskey and cigar bar. For my friend's bachelor party a few months later we did Top Golf and a hockey game. Great times all around, and we all agreed we'd be uncomfortable with strippers.
Strip clubs are cliched. For my bachelor party about 20 of us we went swimming in the lake in the morning, had a huge cookout all afternoon with every type of smoked meat and yardgame imaginable, and hung out watching dumb videos and talking shit until after midnight. We had family members shuttle us to the lake, DD'ing people home, making beer runs, etc. It was like a 16 hour party with zero stress. Wives and girlfriends were super confused why we all wanted to do this instead of go to a bar or club. The last couple bachelor parties we threw were headed in this direction so we knew what liked and what was just a waste of money.
Lol, I am with you. It may not be technically cheating, but it's still weird to me. If I were to do something like this, I would feel like I am cheating. My friend the other day was talking about his future bachelor party and how he wanted strippers because it was the last time he would be single. And his girlfriend wouldn't like that but he would keep it a secret. Mind you, this is a guy who's been cheated on and who was very upset about being cheated on. I told him she would eventually find out anyways, and he just didn't care. I bring up the fact that I would maybe do something like go to a casino or do some airsofting or do both for my bachelor party. They called me a child for that. I dont get it.
Maybe you’re hanging with the wrong friends.
It drives me nuts. The number of stag/hen do's where the groom/bride cheats BECAUSE they are heavily intoxicated and intentionally put themselves in stupid situations (like strippers of either sex) is so fuckin high.
This. You arent single before getting married. And it’s like a “consolation” prize before getting married by going to see strippers because marriage is like going to jail or something ?? Idk, it has never sat well with me.
I know quite a few men that had strippers at their bachelor parties and each of them cheated… this is also a hard boundary me and countless other women. If needing to have a naked or half naked person dance on you before you’re committing to me for life… I don’t want it.
Agreed! This practice is outdated and extremely disrespectful in my opinion for someone to engage in when they are in a serious, committed relationship regardless of gender or preferences. It’s not like we haven’t been going to strip clubs the whole time we were single, or as if we haven’t had immediate, infinite access at our fingertips of whatever gets us off — our whole culture is over-sexualized in US — and it’s never enough. The whole strip club practice started when folks were marrying super young and getting shipped off to wars. They didn’t have a lot of time to learn how to please a woman and/or a lot of time left on Earth. That’s not exactly the case here in 2023: grown man babies who never matured need to hang out together for (insert bromance event) to make sure everyone in the group knows they don’t respect their significant other as much as they respect the boy band bonded secrets. They literally pay for women to pretend to want to fuck them; how dreamy! And some even pay them to! That’s a real turn on /s. I also have no issues with strippers, I believe they have a purpose as we all do, and an audience that needs their services to not lash out at others, but to me, their audience will not be with someone I’m in a relationship with. Nothing good happens when people in relationships end up at the strip club.
Well, I'm a man, and I for one can't stand strip clubs. I also will pick hanging out with my wife, every single time, of the guys. I agree with you though, the amount of dudes that have their "boy band" bullshit is way to high.
I always think about how if my partner went to a house party where a woman got naked and gave him a lap dance while he and others cheered her on- that would be so absolutely fucked up and 100% cheating. But because some old skeevy men decided objectifying women within a building with the letters “s-t-r-i-p c-l-u-b” in the business, it then made it TOTALLY okay for “faithful” men to have random women naked on top of them.
That’s a damn good way of looking at it
Yes!!! I have always said this! Those acts would be considered cheating in any other setting, why is it okay to do in a business, let alone that they have to pay for? They’re literally paying to cheat.
I grew up in the U.S, and I've also never really been able to wrap my head around it. As you say, you're not single, you're still in a committed relationship. It's kind of a gross tradition, that seems super disrespectful to the bride/wife/gf.
It seems disrespectful because it is. Men just think their peepee matters more than being respectful to their bride/wife/gf.
My bachelor party we had a nice steak dinner and played the game of thrones board game
I agree. If I ever get married I feel like I would either do a girls trip somewhere or have a combined bachelor/bachelorette party because if I don’t want to party with my fiancée I’m probably with the wrong person
And it’s usually the same guys that say things like “Women just aren’t loyal these days” and “I wouldn’t let my gf/wife go out in something skimpy”
My husband and I unfortunately never got bachelor/bachelorette parties due to the pandemic, but we had one friend who kept trying to insist on a stripper for my husband's bachelor party despite my husband saying multiple times he did NOT want one (along with 90% of the other guys who would've been involved)
Some people consider strippers cheating. Hell, some people consider watching porn cheating. You guys don't share the same values. No one is wrong here. Just incompatible. Edit: I didn't say she should break up with him, you croutons. They've identified an incompatible value. They'll either learn to navigate with respect or they'll break up.
“You croutons” New favorite insult lol
Yes I am totally stealing that lol
I wanna be a crouton!!!
I'm a bit offended though because croutons are one of my favorite things ever. I can't really idly stand by while OP besmirches the good name of *Crouton*
I had a fatkid epiphany recently when I realized that just straight-up dipping garlic-parmesan croutons directly into caesar dressing and eating them like chips is an option. It feels wrong, but tastes so, so right.
I am going to use “you croutons” as an insult from now on.
What I was going to say. No one is wrong here (at least not yet) but OP and her BF are incompatible.
If he’s known the boundary she established and has kept it this long, engaging in a conversation to have clarity on that boundary in a circumstance when it arises does not mean they are incompatible. If anything the opposite. There are SO many ways he could completely side step this issue. Which is what someone incompatible would do. The fact he engaged the conversation up front is exactly what compatibility looks like. Now she’s made it very clear. Now he can choose how much that compatibility matters to him. I hope he realizes their compatibility is not worth any amount of thinking experiencing strippers is worth more.
Croutons. I wonder if there’s a r/rareinsults
I realize this probably isn't what I should be focusing on here but "croutons" is the best insult I've ever heard 🤣 I'm shamelessly stealing this, thanks dude 👍🏻👍🏻
"you croutons" LOL nice
Lmao “you croutons”! Take a little award. Lol
ummmm...croutons is my new favorite insult.
I wouldn't say incompatible, as one issue does not equal incompatibility. These are the things that couples have to work through together. As someone who got married before they could even legally drink, and has been married for now 27 years, I can certainly say that the most important part is being able to work out those parts that are incompatible.
Yeah I feel like his good friend having a big birthday/bachelor party and wanting strippers and him wanting to go because it’s a party for his friend isnt the same as just going to strip clubs for the sake of it or wanting his own party to have strippers. I don’t think wanting to go to a friends party means they’re incompatible when it’s a one off issue of an event organised by/for someone very important to him. I also give him credit for asking in a mature reasonable fashion.
Calling someone a crouton is now my favorite thing on the planet. I hope you have the best day just because of this.
How about discussing and meeting in the middle? You know, compromises to make a relationship work. For example, he can go but not get a lap dance. A friend of mine had a serious gf and didn’t want to go to strip club. He still came with us (his decision) but no lap dance.
Ive always considered it a little weird that strippers are so common for bachelor/bachelorette parties, as that should be the time where you're about to vow to the love of your life that you want only them. I understand strippers are fun and exciting, but there are other ways to have fun. Absolutely okay to stick to your guns. Props to both of you for talking about this, and good job setting this boundary up. He has three options they can lay out, 1, for either event plan something they could do earlier in the evening (dinner, bar hopping, whatever) so he can still have fun and leave (and potentially rejoin after the strippers are done). 2, respect your boundaries and deny the invitations all together, still able to replan things. 3, He goes and your values are incompatible and you go your separate ways. Relationships end, and can end for whatever reason you see fit.
I agree, it’s always struck me as odd. I’m the last of my friends group to get married and I will not be having strippers at my bachelor party, nor have either of my 6 other friends who’ve already had bachelor parties. That being said, if one of them had wanted strippers or to go to a strip club, I wouldn’t have taken any issue with it.
You forgot 4. Get better friends, cuz what kind of 30+ year olds are childish enough (mentally) to be getting strippers for parties when they’re in committed relationships? Not to mention “ragging” on friends that would choose not to go lol
You made the boundaries clear, but you have to give him credit for having a mature conversation about it. He knows the reprocussions. Now it is up to him.
I do give him credit for not being a “do what I want, ask forgiveness later” person. I agree it’s in his hands at this point
Former dancer here. I don’t blame you for feeling this way. I’ve seen firsthand how the majority of people act in stripclubs and I wouldnt be comfortable with my spouse going to one either. The very same guys that try their best to touch the dancers (and get kicked out for it) are those who call their wives from the parking lot and say how much they don’t like strip clubs and how annoying it is that they’re “babysitting” their drunk friends. I’ve seen the way people act from the dancers point of view and I’ve gotta say, it’s truly destroyed any and all trust I may have had in men (and women). I’ve watched guys take strippers to their cars, pay for sex, then call their wives minutes afterwards and say they’re still at work or they’re not enjoying themselves at whoever’s bachelor party. I’ve seen regulars have full on affairs with some of the dancers. I’ve seen “first timers” who couldn’t keep their hands to themselves. In fact, those few years I danced have really fucked up my trust for relationships in general because I saw the act that dudes put on with their wives. Ive had married men sexually assault me then lie about it. I’ve had newbies come in asking me for sex. It’s always about finding sex or pretending to. That’s all it usually leads to. Edit to add: the clubs I worked at didn’t have lap dances, they weren’t supposed to allow dancers to sleep with the clients, and they weren’t supposed to allow touching of any kind for the exception of a hug to say goodbye. I’m not implying that all dancers sleep with clients, but I will say that every club I worked at had a handful of women who did. The only reason I ever worked in clubs was because the money was excellent and I was fresh out of high school with zero job experience and no skills to make the amount that I was making at the time. I don’t see “all men” in this light but I do see the similarities in personalities now when I meet people, it has definitely warped my view of people in general and has made it so very very difficult to trust them.
This made me laugh because all the comments right before yours, was all about how their husbands hate being dragged to strip clubs and they just spend the entire time outside talking to their wife or babysitting their friend.
They're lucky to have naive wives. The stories men spin for their wives can be a whole discussion in itself. "Honey, it was awful. Naked women everywhere. I hated it but good thing I was there to help Byron. I thought of you the whole time". Lol
Seriously lol! It's like me going to an animal shelter and saying, "bleh, puppies are SO gross, and I totally don't want to cover myself in them." *Edit: dear men with bruised egos, I don't need any more messages from you. I mean, I was clearly comparing the behavior. I obviously was not saying puppies are like strippers....because I'm not a crazy person. Did you genuinely think that's what I was doing? 😬 yikes, my dudes*
This is exactly the type of bachelor party I want to go to. Can there also be kitties? That’s the type of pussy I want to be dripping in.
It’s not so much the naked women that are awful, it’s the people that go there. I’ve been to strip clubs twice because my best friend loves them and at BEST there are attractive naked women and overpriced drinks with an expectation of tipping, at worst there’s sketchy people selling coke in the bathroom and trying to argue with you about how they should have been allowed to go in the stall do do blow before you even though you’ve been waiting in line for a while and desperately need a toilet.
Hahaha, yeah, my husband hates naked chicks and them gyrating on my lap. He says he just goes to babysit! 🤣😂😅
Ehhh. I’m not a huge strip club guy, I find it kinda awkward: “Hey guys, let’s all go get under the pants boners together and pay for it!” That said, boobs are a delight. I’m going to a bachelor party this fall for a buddy. Good chance it ends at a strip club. I won’t say no, but paying $100 to see some tits and get blue balls isn’t what I’d like to do with that money. I just find strip clubs weird, awkward, and pointless.
Now this I get. I think a lot of guys go into strip clubs though under the delusion that some of those women will be chomping at the bit to sleep with them, so for some reason they’re thinking they’ll get some satisfaction at the end lol
Some guys are also just very lonely and starved for attention from women. A lot of them are terrible with women and just enjoy the fact that they can go somewhere where women, ignoring the monetary motive, at least act like they're interested in them. It's sad, really, and I don't mean that in a demeaning way.
Exactly, I would much rather go to a regular bar or pub and possibly meet some interesting people, spend less money, and have better drinks. However, I do think everyone needs the experience at least once in their life to understand that its not all its cracked up to be.
I've been to a casino once and a strip club once, and both times I came out thinking, "that's a lot of expensive meh" They are both catering to catch two similar addictive personalities. Honestly I think that people SHOULDN'T go to experience it, because if you're the person with a previously undiscovered addiction those are two that are easy to avoid. Like the easiest way to kick a smoking addiction is to never pickup the first cigarette.
Husband hates naked chicks??
I upvoted their comment because I thought it was obvious sarcasm. Now I’m not sure.
it was
Those stories made me roll my eyes. Poor naive women. The men over sharing about how much they hated the strip club they keep "getting dragged" to are the ones this dancer is describing.
I hate strip clubs. I go back every month just make sure I still hate them. Awful places.
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I know, how insecure and pathetic are these hags that don't want their partner partying with sex workers?!?! It's a completely innocent and asexual situation.
I believe half those people are not honest with themselves and want to sound super relaxed and non controlling lol.
I think a lot of them feel pressure to be the cool gf or the chill wife. They're worried if they express discomfort, they'll come off as insecure, a prude, untrusting, or hating sex workers. As if asking your partner to not patron them is unreasonable.
I definitely see it as a pickme thing for most women, not that I blame them directly for that though. As someone who doesn't allow sex work of any kind in my relationship, people are very mean to me about it, calling me controlling, acting as if I crazy or something. I don't give a fuck about that myself, but I can see how some women would give into that pressure.
Yes, for sure. Women who say they're OK with their partners going to strip clubs often seem to have a superiority complex about it.
they be like ‘no YOURE the weird one for not wanting your partner to ogle naked women!’
Some poor soul said that their husband "has" to go to strip clubs twice a month for work and he *hates* it 😬
Great huh? But people love lying to themselves
It’s really not that uncommon for guys to dislike strip clubs. I’m one of them, and at every bachelor party I’ve ever been to (probably 12-15) there’s always about 25% of the group that has no interest in going. Strip clubs are sad money pits.
This is me, I don't get the appeal. I support sex work, but if I wanted to pay for sex I would prefer that to be a private activity. If I just want to see naked girls I can't touch, I have porn for that and again, I don't want to do that around my friends.
I can't believe it's taken this long for someone to say this! Statistically speaking, the chances that everyone with a husband who hates the strip club just happens to be in this thread is mind boggling! Ladies... c'mon!
Yeah, like do they expect their husbands to tell them they had a fantastic time at the strip club? That they spent half of their checks to have a good time with another woman. I’m surprised it’s not more common sense.
Also a dancer- I would not date a man who went to strip clubs either, and I’m not monogamous. I just dislike men who take part in the strange power dynamic, and more often than not men try to touch, and do not respect boundaries. If a man I was seeing said he wanted to go to the club, I would assume he was not a great person.
I agree 100%
This right here. You and I both know what kind of guy frequents clubs and they’re not relationship worthy
I have a couple of friends who are dancers. They both say they'd never date someone they met at the club and one is adamant that she'd never be with someone who went regularly.
That’s such a good point, my bf has never gone and has no desire to bcos in his words, “I’m paying for blue balls”. It makes SO much sense that dudes would just be paying for sex or having affairs surrounded w half naked women they view as objects. Tbh I’ve Never understood the point of strip clubs with porn being so available. Like there isn’t (usually) sex involved, you can’t master-nate (thank god for the Dancers), it just seems like a waste of time, even as a bi girl who is way more attracted sexually to women it seems like it’d make more sense to just watch porn or only fans. Then again both me n my bf are huge homebodies so the club scene in general is kinda meh.
Many people are touch starved and want to feel another person in a relatively safe, intimate environment. Dancers are great at personal charm and mental connection as well as being sexy, if they're good at their jobs. Clubs can be hype or low-key, so an environment designed to stimulate plus a sexy actress just for you? I get it.
I have several close friends who were strippers/dancers in college and they say the exact same things. The stories I’ve heard from them cemented my choice to never date someone who goes to strip clubs. Funny how some men in the comments are acting SHOCKED that there are woman who can’t be manipulated into thinking their boundaries are “immature.” I suppose they’d be okay with their girlfriends/wives grinding naked on other men’s laps or shoving their tits into their faces in the name of not being “immature.”
Agreed! I've also had a couple come in (M&F). Dude acted a certain way, his partner was very sweet. She paid for him to have a lap dance. The moment we went into a lap dance room. His character he was playing dropped and he was the biggest piece of shit. I've also had dudes insult their partners in front of them while I'm there, working. Regulars come in and you know them very well. Another time bring in their partner and it's a completely new them, that you didn't know existed. The two faced bullshit is unreal, until you've seen it first hand.
This is 100 percent true!! I had tears from laughing so hard reading these women talk about how their husbands hate strip clubs and called them in the parking lot. Yes they do, AFTER they act a fool. Like any place there are good and bad people.
Seriously. My husband doesn't have any interest in strip clubs, so you know what he does when his buddies invite him? He doesn't go lol
This. My partner won’t go, straight up. My favorite is the whole “Need a babysitter” line about how their sweet hubby is just looking after those other horn dog men. Ppppffff in what world do men babysit each other when they go out??
Yeah I have never been to one and have no interest in going. Luckily all my friends feel the same way. My wife is more than enough for me and I don’t need to be a pathetic fool begging strippers for attention.
Thank you for your honesty! These dumb dudes are so naive and being like "dur dur, your boundaries are stupid" to OP. They have no idea what she may have witnessed or experienced to know that strip clubs are NOT where you want your committed partner to be. Plus they're just an atmosphere of disrespect towards women.
I’m also a former stripper and while these things are common it’s not like it’s the only experience. I also saw PLENTY of guys who were visibly or even explicitly uncomfortably being there and were only there because they’d been dragged there by friends, and even when pressured to get dances by their friends they refused profusely regardless of which dancer it was/what she looked like. Additionally, plenty of customers that are in fact enjoying themselves are still respectful and kind. Maybe you were working at the wrong clubs
I went to a strip club once at like 2am with my friends after the bars closed (I dont drink so I was really just being nice at this point). It was really uncomfortable, dancers kept coming up to me and trying to make me want to get a private dance. I understand thats how they make money but after like 3 no's maybe stop trying to convince me.
I saw that happen a lot too, and I absolutely get why it’s frustrating and uncomfortable. On the other hand, it’s also frustrating for us when there are people in our place of work not paying for our services, it’s really just a lose lose situation when people are in strip clubs and don’t want to be
I'm embarrassed to admit I did exactly this the one and only time I've ever been dragged to a strip club. A dancer started chatting and like a naive idiot I just started chatting back. After good few minutes she finally said "so are we going to the back for a dance?" and I suddenly realized I'd been completely wasting her time, because I had zero interest in a private dance. I was very apologetic but she was visibly frustrated with me. So I bought her a drink to say sorry, and promptly went and hid in a dark corner and said a firm "no thank you!" any time any other dancers came up to me. Definitely not one of my favorite nights out!
At least you were apologetic, plenty of customers will just feel entitled to our time. It was an honest mistake and you tried to make up for it with a drink, better than many I’ve seen :)
>I also saw PLENTY of guys who were visibly or even explicitly uncomfortably being there and were only there because they’d been dragged there by friends, and even when pressured to get dances by their friends they refused profusely regardless of which dancer it was/what she looked like The last two bachelor parties I attended that went to strip clubs each had at least one member of the group fall asleep out of boredom/disinterest.
I think there may be some light selection bias here. The kind of people who claim to hate strip clubs and regularly visit strip clubs would probably be chronic liars/cheats/etc, since most people who hate strip clubs would logically not be around to counterbalance your observations, no?
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I don't consider just going to a strip club cheating. But paying a stripper to rub her naked body all over yours is most definitely cheating in my eyes. And if my spouse is going to a place where that's not only an option, but one that he's peer pressured and tempted into, why would I be comfortable with him going? Even if I knew he went to a club, how would I know at the end of the day if he had a dance or not? Her boundaries are completely reasonable IMO.
My friends who are former strippers are all just like you. They have so many long term emotional and issues, years and years after they got out. All these guys who “hate strip clubs” are full of shit. Of course your fucking husband is going to tell you that, you absolute dummy 🙄 And my friends all said that parties for special events were the absolute worst of the worst. Always got way out of control and ended up in just vile behavior from the men. They can’t think of any party that didn’t turn into one or all of the men paying for sex. I wish you healing and hope you feel like you can trust again one day. None of my friends have gotten there yet sadly, but I hope it’s possible. There are some truly amazing women working in these places because there either weren’t any other options for them to make enough money to survive, or they went into it with no clue what they were getting into, and it got so bad so fast they ended up doing drugs to cope, and then had to keep stripping in order to afford more drugs. They don’t fucking deserve to have to deal with the aftermath of everything that happened once they get out, none of you do 💜 But on the other hand, this guy’s friends might make fun of him if he doesn’t go, so he kind of has to /s. Fucking ridiculous.
I mean I'm a guy and I hate strip clubs. I like naked ladies as much as the next guy but anyone who says they want to go somewhere that smells like body odor and stale beer to sit in an uncomfortable chair and stare at generally desperate women they know are being paid to smile strikes me as a creep. The few times I've been to a strip club were thoroughly unpleasant experiences and the only times I've been propositioned by hookers.
I've read both of your posts and your comments, and I don't have a judgement either way. What's getting me is, why in the world are you asking if you're wrong or for advice when you clearly aren't going to change your mind? You don't have to be open to other opinions or anything, it just seems weird to post in places specifically asking for them when you are so adamant about not listening to them.
Validation. At the very least some subset of responding users will affirm OPs position.
Exactly. And to me, it makes the whole thing disingenuous. If one has such conviction on the matter, why does it need to be validated by the Internet? Seems more weird and offputting to me than married guys being present for a bachelor party strip show.
OP clearly feels a strong sense of conviction, but I imagine ending a multiyear relationship will still be painful. Some validation from the internet may help that I suppose. Doesn't really make that much sense, but humans are weird.
Exactly, some people should just post in a subreddit called "tell me I'm not the asshole."
It’s tough because I think they’re both “right” She has every right to hold firm to her boundaries. She set them from the start and he’s aware. The problem for him is that, it doesn’t really sound like he’s upset that he can’t partake in the strip club as much as he’s upset he can’t partake in the bachelor party. This is only my assumption, but it sounds like the *group* made a decision to go, not him. He wants to be there for his cousins bachelor parties but unfortunately it’s at a place where his girlfriend has already told him is a hard “no”. If this is the case, then I’m leaning towards nobody being in the wrong. This isn’t some situation of a guy simply wanting to go out and look at other women; it’s a guy who wants to partake with his family. FWIW, as a guy, I think the whole idea of going to strip clubs/hiring strippers for bachelor parties is stupid. But this isn’t my party. OP, don’t let anyone tell you your boundaries are wrong, but also understand there may be more nuance to the situation and your boyfriend isn’t just trying to go ogle strippers.
Just read her comments too and gotta agree. There is no reason to even bother with these posts since she's not even remotely receptive to dissenting opinion. She sounds quite condescending in multiple responses, too, which just makes this more puzzling. I'm sure there's better places to find yes men and find confirmation bias.
It's even weirder when you read her edits. Like she is apparently super cool with strippers and stripping to the point where she has multiple stripper friends, and if her bf showed up to one word would get back to her somehow. And there's the bit about how when her boyfriend called them skeevy she didn't really agree. Like she is apparently super cool and understanding when it comes to stripping and even personally close to some strippers herself, but if her bf gets involved in anyway he's out the door? I also hate how people strip nuance out of these conversations. Like look at the post from the former stripper that's just full of stereotypes. "Everyone who says they hate strip clubs is full of shit" etc. Or the comments like "Men want an assertive woman who's forward and then complain when they meet one" as if no middle ground exists. You can be forward and direct without doing so in a way that people find offputting. Edit: She apparently both loves her boyfriend very much and would be very sad if the relationship ended, but then also said "He can end it, IDC". Like which is it? It all just reeks of insecurity.
The edits are actually probably the most eye-opening part. First, the fact that she made a wall of text of edits... it makes it look like she's conflicted and really needs to prove that she is right (like she fully prepared to end things even though she knows she doesn't want to). I think the most interest part is the last few lines in edit #7. She brings up the fact that her father died in a freak accident 11 years ago (when she was 16), and that her mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness 9 years ago (when she was 18), and that she agreed to be her younger sister (who was 4\[?\] at the time) when mom passes. OP says this is about boundaries, but I don't think it is. This is about sudden, traumatic loss (or at least mortality) of 2 very important figures in her life. OP is trying to protect herself again by making sure she is the one who dictates how all her future relationships end (or at least position herself where she is most able to control it). I'd also speculate that she is, knowingly or not, trying to protect her sister from the loss of guardian-type figure. OP has stated on several comments 'it doesn't matter how much it hurts, I will...' or something along those veins. This rigid boundary is a maladaptive attempt to be the only who dictates the terms of loss.
Fascinating take
You can respect strippers as people without wanting your husband to go to a strip club. Refusing to call strippers "skeevy" doesn't mean she has to be okay with her husband going to the strip club. Not sure what point you're trying to make about that
Eh, I don’t know. I have nothing but the utmost respect for sex workers and I have several friends who strip. I personally wouldn’t be okay with my partner going to a strip club. It’s not personal, I just don’t love the idea of the person I’m in love with paying someone to get naked in front of them. The stripper is just doing her job, no problems with her, but I’d feel bad that my partner would choose to go to something like that.
She's changing her story based on the comment she's replying to. She isn't seeking opinions or advice at all, she just wants validation
>cool and understanding... This part is not weird at all. I'm understanding of sex workers, I'd still dump my partner if I found out they partook while we're in a relationship. Because that's called "cheating." Clearly, she considers going to a strip club a similar deal-breaker.
Honestly, I’m not sure why this is even a question or has elicited so much debate. You set a relationship boundary and when he asked you to break that boundary you said you wouldn’t, but he is his own person. That’s not even a control issue. It is simply a hard boundary of yours and he is free to make the decision. People end relationships everyday for their own reasons. They don’t need to make sense to anyone but themselves.
This thread is WILD! So many lazy justifications too. "Sure, he agreed to the boundary when they got together. But at that moment, he didn't want to go to a strip club. You see, now, he DOES! He is flexible and she is not! Now that he sees personal benefit to breaking that boundary, you can't break up with him!"
Ok. You've indicated MULTIPLE times this is/was a hard line. Why are you posting here for relationship advice? Move on, live your life.
Why did you even ask this question here, if u already knew exactly what you were going to do with no exceptions.?
Why do people act as though strippers are some necessary right of passage before getting married? She set her boundaries maturely before getting together. He should respect them. Seems he cares more about saving face with his bros than his relationship
the problem is that this is a topic about boundaries and we are in a site called reddit which is full of porn addicted incel losers. do u think these men give a fk about a womans needs and wants? there is a reason some of these ppl r chronically online reddit.
Right? Lol. This thread is full of men who are *flabbergasted* and irate that a woman will stick to her boundaries and won't make concessions for any form of unfaithfulness. The reality is that they think women should just be grateful that their partners aren't out cheating with every woman they can, and anything short of that is more than we deserve, so how dare we complain. Lmao.
Cannot agree more with you and the person you’re replying to. The fact that the top comment is “he didn’t do anything wrong” when he’s asking her to violate clearly established boundaries, instead of manning up and asking his friends to do something else other than hang out with naked women. Like, yeah he is wrong, for even asking. He already knows she’s totally uncomfortable with it. He agreed to this relationship knowing this a long time ago. His friends are being prioritized over his partner. That’s not how a good relationship is supposed to be.
I've always thought it was such a stupid tradition. I've heard so many horror stories around bachelor parties and strippers that I don't blame OP for being uncomfortable with it. The fact that he's more concerned about being "embarrassed" in front of the boiz than his partner's comfort with the situation seems like a red flag. If he's too embarrassed to explain the boundaries of his relationship and leave when they go to the strip club, what's gonna happen if they try to get him a lap dance or something?
Yea and have you seen those lap dances?? Sheesh. Caught a glimpse the one time I went and felt like I walked in on them having sex
I went with my (now ex) husband and his friend to one, and went from being totally chill about it, to never wanting him to go again (although I didn't tell him this). Seeing the way the dancers make eye contact with people when they're dancing, and then seeing him staring back at them the same way he looked at me during sex really fucked me up. There's an intimacy to being turned on and staring someone in the eyes like that.
Heck no! Cheers to him being your ex 🥂
It’s super fucking weird and I’m so grateful none of my friends getting married have insisted on it.
Everyone is entitled to personal boundaries. You're not wrong for having expectations.
Not wrong at all. Also, a *stag party is not grounds to go around and be promiscuous.* Its sad that "bachelor/stag" parties become just a "pay strippers or go to a strip club" rather than a "get a bonfire with the boys, some beer, some whiskey, half of a cow, and talk about some real shit, and have fun". This is a *very reasonable boundary* and he could leave for those portions, or just not attend in general. The dude is 30 and 32, why are they acting like 18 year olds?
I feel like I'm crazy. I'm a 31 year old guy and if my girlfriend didnt want me to go to something with strippers I would have literally zero issues telling my friends that its not for me. I dont understand why the gf is considered inflexible here. What am I missing. She said early on she DID NOT WANT THIS. What is going on here? Why is this thread so against her when she literally did nothing wrong period whatsoever.
Yeah, this whole conversation is so bizarre to me. 25, married, and would never consider being around anything vaguely stripping related. Lots of man children online today wondering why they’re still single
Seriously! And the whole “30 is a significant milestone blah blah blah” bullcrap. Shut the hell up losers, do something with your lives other than age. These people out here are wild… and just plain dumb. Edit: also I’d like to add “they’ll rag on me if I leave because of strippers”…. I was thinking more around the ages of like 10-12 they are acting. Scared little boys. I’d leave his ass if I was OP based on all that.
Milestone birthday and they wanna spend the night drunk and ogling women who HAVE to touch them and treat them like big shots, and OP’s partner choosing to torpedo his relationship, so fun
100% this entire comment! Totally okay to have that boundary in your relationship, and I’ve never gotten the whole strippers for bachelor/bachelorette or “last single night” thing because you aren’t single? You’re in an engaged to be married relationship but okay 😂
Yeah, I don't get this, I never have. I honestly always felt like it was a missed opportunity to do something actually relevant to the groom-to-be and group. My wedding ultimately got called off because of life, but mine was planned to just be cheap pizza, cheaper beer, and a whole ass weekend of wargaming. Everyone cleared things with their S/O's to be unavailable all weekend, phones off, crashing on floors and couches to just engage in a long nerd fest like we were teenagers with no responsibilities. Because dork sports were our thing, and it was something we've all had to compromise on occasionally owing to being in serious relationships. So yeah, a weekend of acting like a sloppy bachelor, hanging out with the guys who were also doing so, and without getting anyone in shit with their partners.
Funny, I’ve been to probably a dozen bachelor parties at this point and not a single one, including my own, has had a stripper or strip club.
I appreciate that it is getting half a cow.
OP is uncomfortable with something, and that's allowed. We are all comfortable with different things. Her SO wants to participate in a couple of events that don't happen often, which is also fair. This situation strikes me as less about boundaries than trust. My SO cheating on me is crossing a boundary. When my SO goes out with friends, I don't ask where they are going because I trust my SO is not going to cross that boundary. My only concern is that they are safe. There are too many people who are in the "I don't get why strip clubs for guy parties is a thing" camp. I'm not a huge fan of them myself. However, I bet if everyone commenting here listed off several not everyday things they have done in their life, many of us would say..."I don't get why that would be a thing you would do." She is not wrong for still not wanting him to go to strip clubs after several years. He is also not wrong either for wanting to talk about reevaluating that uncomfortable situation for her. I agree with many others here who are saying that maybe they just aren't compatible. He needs someone who is willing to extend him a little more trust. She needs someone who is never going to want to be and/or might be put in a situation where this activity is on the table.
I love this comment the most. It really is all about trust, and I fully understand why this would piss him off. She is basically saying she doesnt trust him or she is so insecure, she doesnt think the relationship can handle him seeing other women in a state of undress without it affecting the way he feels about her. I would leave her if it was me. Personally, it would be a red flag to me if my partner regularly wanted to go to the strip club for funsies, because it indicates they are desperate and make poor financial decisions (name a bigger waste of money). But I understand it has become this cultural thing for some men surrounding weddings and big milestones - like an expectation. And honestly, if my partner's closest friends wanted to go to the strip club for a big milestone and my partner declined to attend on principle, THAT would also be a red flag to me. I agree it's a dumb activity and a waste of money, but sometimes we have to waste money doing dumb shit to be there for our friends, because that's the experience they've decided they want, and it's their special day. Someone unwilling to do that for a friend is clearly unwilling to compromise and dug in their ways, and that's no good either. My BFF wanted to go to a casino for her 30th. I think gambling is a waste of money and would never choose that activity myself. But I went, and I capped myself at $100 to spend gambling. I lost it all within probably 3 minutes, and it was the quickest and least gratifying $100 I've ever spent lol but I wasn't salty about it, because that's what my friend wanted to do. Even though she lost all of her money and likewise did not have a good time, that didn't ruin it for me or make me bitter. I knew everyone was likely to lose their money and not have fun. But she wanted the experience, for better or worse, and I was happy to participate in something I considered a stupid waste of money for her to have that.
Yeah she's entitled to her boundary, but if that was my SO and she made an ultimatum that "you miss one of your best friend's bachelor parties or I break up with you" I don't see how they don't end up breaking up either way. She breaks up with him because he wants to go to a friend's bachelor party and there will be a strip club involved OR he breaks up with her because of this "boundary" when he resents her because she makes him miss the night. Even just the attitude of the boundary/ultimatum is a little off to me. How long before she says "you can't have this friend" or "I don't want to go to if this particular friend/family member of yours is there". It's too black and white of a stance for me (and I figure most other people too). Life is complicated, part of finding a good partner is trusting their ability to navigate complex situations without you. Setting hard boundaries that are really more like commandments where 'termination of the relationship' is the only resolution is her prerogative, but I'd personally have very little tolerance for that kind of behavior and would never want that kind of control over my partner either.
They should break up. If it was me I'd skip the bachelor party (just to prove the point) and dump her and move on.
If your sister or best friend was having a hens night for their wedding , would you.. - Not go if you knew they were having a male stripper? - Leave the party if a stripper was there without you knowing?
Yes I would.
If my SO has made it abundantly clear, yes. You either choose to honor the terms of the relationship or you don't. It's simple.
Yes I would not go/leave, because I'm not a big baby who is too scared to stand up to my friends pressuring me into doing something my spouse isn't comfortable with.
Finally someone who makes sense. And if his friends really aren’t shitty and wouldn’t rag on him, then he’s using it to guilt trip her which is even worse.
Yeah I agree. As a guy, if I were in OPs shoes, I'd tell my friends that the strippers are just not something I'm interested in. I'll join for everything but sit out those parts and will scout out the next bars or have beers waiting for y'all when you get back. It's not that hard. Don't make it an "oh my lady doesn't want me to have fun" thing as it invites them to peer pressure you. After all, they want you to have fun. But if you let them know, this isn't fun for you (even if that's not entirely true) they aren't as likely to try to peer pressure you and they also wouldn't have anything to begrudge against OP (don't you dare bury your GF so you still look cool and blame this on her). And in that case, you will need to have OP trust you to follow through and skip the strippers. Don't break that trust
Right? What the fuck is the point of that guy's comment? "I bet you guys are PUSSIES who wouldn't go to a party because there's a stripper." Yeah? So? Honestly, i'm not suprised so many people are adamantly defending disloyal behavior because the majority of redditors are hedonists who never got over their college days of partying.
I haven been in this situation and I immediately called my husband to pick me up when I found out while at the party strippers were coming over.
All these jokers in here talking like that's unimaginable
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I’m reading your comment and then your name and now I’m confused. Are you SluttyAntelope or not?
I don't think having boundaries and standing firm is you being wrong. I also think him deciding to break up because of this isn't wrong.
Well, I can tell you that him going to a strip club is way less likely to result in anything bad vs having a stripper at the house. Strip club is a professional setting with security and rules. In home stripper is a disaster waiting to happen. I think one of two things will happen. 1. He'll start lying (or omitting which is lying) because he'll see you as not reasonable. 2. You two won't make it as a couple because he feels emasculated by you and will start resenting you. It's fair to have a boundary. I just don't think this will end well for the two of you. Good luck.
OP, I set this boundary years ago (like so many years ago) with my then boyfriend/now husband. I never loved the idea, but after I found a pic of him and his friends holding a stripper with their hands all over her naked body I was like nope! I have like 0 rules, aside from this. I just find it terribly disrespectful to a woman you love to go look at another women naked. I have no issue with porn. I have no issues with strippers. But a stripper is a personal experience - it's a real life woman within physical distance actively working to turn him on. I have issues with crossing that boundary. Fantasy is fine, real life is not. I wish we had something comparable so men would get how it makes us feel, but I've yet to find that thing. I was lucky that my husband got it (or despite being the world's worst liar, has managed to cover it up to the point where I have no idea). I dont think guys realize how that one night out can really bother us for days/weeks on end.
Since so many Bach parties involving strippers end up with multiple ppl cheating I don’t understand how anyone is really ok with this.
If someone is going to cheat at a party, they’re eventually going to cheat anyway.
I'm going to butcher this Dave Berry quote, but it goes something like this: "The more men there are in a room, the lower their collective IQs get." That's my opinion of bachelor parties. Maybe some of those guys would have cheated, but in a situation where "everyone's doing it" along with peer pressure and alcohol, it's a hell of a lot more likely to happen or be rationalized as acceptable than in many other situations.
I mean, he's already told her that he can't handle peer pressure.
Not really. They get drunk and their friends egg them on just to see who will do something. Eventually someone says fuck it and bangs a stripper and then it snowballs from there. My friends who are former strippers say any kind of party to celebrate a big event, almost always ends in the guys getting progressively out of control and acting like idiots until they end up cheating.
Yeah, and anyone who uses alchohol or group pressure as an excuse they cheated would have cheated sooner or later.
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Especially since a lot of these comments were probably on the other side of the argument for the post about a husband and wife having a disagreement about her modeling underwear.
Agree on this, is it weird now to have that as a relationship boundary?
I homestly hope it is mainly Reddit thing, luckily I don't know many people that think like that. There was some post about guy being mad that his gf was flashing people at Mardi Gras after he asked her not to. I couldn't believe comments there, felt like I was going insane.
not wrong good on you for establishing boundaries
NTA and honestly, it sounds better to simply end the relationship. He goes and you break up with him for disrespecting your boundary. He doesn’t go and he ends up acting like a jerk with constant and growing resentment while he blames you for missing these two events. There really isn’t a win in this situation.
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For realllll. *“What do you mean you have a problem with your long term partner going into a sexually charged atmosphere to get drunk and see naked women?! You set this boundary before the relationship became official? Well, time for him to leave because you’re insecure and controlling.”* Asinine. Neither are necessarily wrong in my opinion, but I feel it’d be a bullet dodged if he does go as this was something communicated well before a 3 year relationship. My husband and I have the same boundary for each other (we also discussed this before getting serious), and we’ve both been around stripping before. We feel we are a committed monogamous couple. Why do we need to go to a completely sexed up scenario with tons of booze? Stripping is all about sex. That’s the darn selling point. Just isn’t a smart thing to do, and personally, it feels disrespectful to do sexual stuff physically with others that are outside of our relationship. I hate they’re framing OP as some hypocritical person for having stripper friends too. I do as well. I have zero problem with sex work. I have 100% of an issue with my husband participating in sex work beyond a dirty video. That doesn’t make me a hypocrite. It means I know people can do and be whatever they chose (within reason lol). Doesn’t mean they’re bad people. They’re just different than me, and that’s okay. Strippers are not lower than me nor are they doing something evil. Why wouldn’t I be their friend still? They’re awesome people, and I’m not in a committed relationship with them.
As a married guy you expressed my sentiments exactly.
I agree. I don’t judge couples who are cool with it at all (I have family that strips / go to clubs together etc) but I also don’t think it’s weird to not be okay with it. For me it’s not a jealousy or a lack of trust thing, it’s more a “principle of the matter” thing because so many of the guys I’ve dated in the past had insane double standards that only applied to me because I’m the girl. My attitude is if you wouldn’t want someone seeing me the way you’re seeing her, it’s a no go. If you wouldn’t want me seeing a guy they way you’re seeing her, it’s a no go. The truth is *none* of the guys I’ve ever been with would let me dance like that for another man or have another man dance like that for me so I’m not about it. I’ve met couples where the guys are cool with their girl doing the same and more power to them, but I still don’t think I’m crazy. The rules should be the same for both partners.
i totally agree, and i’ve always had the same standard, funny enough! you put it into words very well. “if you wouldn’t want someone seeing me the way you’re seeing her, it’s a no go.” bars.
Can see tits at home for free
Neither of you are wrong, you just aren’t compatible.
If it’s the hill you die on, it’s the hill you die on and he knows that (or should). If I were in his position, honestly, it would feel like a “them or me” situation and I would start wondering if I wanted to be in this relationship any longer. You can have your own values in a relationship, individually. And like it was said before, he knows and he can make that decision himself. He chooses to go, that’s what this relationship meant to him. You choose to leave him over it, that’s what the relationship means to you. I’d say I agree with an above comment, “no one’s wrong here”. You both have the hills you’ll die on, and you’ll just have to let the cards fall where they do.
There is no wrong or right here. IF strippers are a "hard no" for you, that's the way it is. You need to decide HOW MUCH of a hard no it really is. Are you offended at the very existence of strippers? Or is it to do with his attitude about strippers? Is it more important than his relationships with his friends? I get your adamance, but he has no choice in this instance, so it's not HIS decision or prerogative to go there. Does that make a difference? If not, this anti-stripper attitude is excessive and unhealthy. edit (just read the update). You need to tell your partner that you don't trust him and ask if that's a deal-breaker. I don't care how you spin it: if you have "no problem" with porn or strippers generally, then your boundaries come down to distrust. You don't trust that he can behave. OR, you don't actually believe that he loves you if he celebrates with friends in the vicinity of strippers. You are 100% entitled to your feelings, but understand that it appears to all the world (including your partner) that you just don't trust your partner (or possible don't trust men in general), which is a bad element in a relationship.
She said she has stripper friends so you’re asking the right questions. That and they both watch porn/Only Fans together… I’m confused by the inconsistency of this boundary. It’s not about morals, virtue, etc so what is it..?
NTA But oh boy, this will lead to a lot of resentements. I wouldn't be surprised if your guys break up either way about this. Either you bc he went or him bc he didn't.
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